College of William & Mary Law School William & Mary Law School Scholarship Repository

Student Newspaper (Amicus, Advocate...) Archives and Law School History

1994 The eekW ly World: Ambulance Chaser (Vol. 4, Issue 1)

Repository Citation "The eW ekly World: Ambulance Chaser (Vol. 4, Issue 1)" (1994). Student Newspaper (Amicus, Advocate...). 401. https://scholarship.law.wm.edu/newspapers/401

Copyright c 1994 by the authors. This article is brought to you by the William & Mary Law School Scholarship Repository. https://scholarship.law.wm.edu/newspapers John and George Secret Lovers, page 2

The Weekly World A"'g~1~"c;e Cb~ser

VOLUME IV, ISSUE ONE FRIDAY, APRIL 1, 1994 EIGHT PAGES, 75 CENTS Student withdraws after flashing financial aid officer

By HANNA "SCOOP" officer and displayed that he couldn't be located. and threatened to tell the NRA assured, until his advocate MORRIS FORD wore nothing but a Magic Neighbors claim that that she was the sponsor of pointed out that telling the Former third-year student Marker drawing of Justice following the administration the so-called "Bang Bang , Nannygoat, "I love you" to ·lam Notta Crook resigned Scalia on his genitalia. (See, of the LSA T, Crook ate the Snip Snip" law eva.House Bill coerce intimacy did not under pressure last week after The Amicus Curiae, Zombie and commented, 1 088) which threatened those constitute lying under the the Judicial Council found him December 14, 1993, "Here "Tastes like chicken." who used a gun in the Honor Code. The criminal guilty of indecent exposure to · comes Da Judge!"). Crook should know. In commission of a felony with chargewasdroppedfollowing a state employee eva Code § Crook's difficulties with the order to ensure a high score bobbittization. The risk of the publication of photos of 123.54). law began a long time on the . LSAT, Crook having 2,000,000 letters Crook and the goat having Director of ago, however. His apparently sacrificed over written in fractured English breakfast the day after the Financial Aid initial run in with two dozen live chickens, six delivered to her home alleged incident and the goat's Edward P. the law was on goats, and a small child apparently convinced surprise recantment of her Irish accused January 11, known only as "Chuck." This Jackson that Crook should be testimony, "He's a Crook of '199'1, when he spawned the case of Florida admitted under a hardship baaaaaaaaaad man." falsifying his was accused v. Church ofHialeah in which program-he had been denied Crook's first encounterwith financial aid of ·crossing the High Court decided in a Charfie'sAngelstrading card the Honor Code at school was application. international favorofthe Church of Hialeah anthology on his· fourth the celebrated "Eivisnapping• C r o o k borders with with the dictum that, "Well, birthday. incident which occurred indicated on intent to enslave we think it's O.K., except for Prior to attending his first shortly before first semester the form that via Puffer fish this C_huck thing." day of class, Crook had exams. Crook defended his he was •a toxin" in the third degree Crook's plan backfired another unfortunate run in with theft of the Elvis lamp by bisexual, 0fa Code§ 1456.65). however. When the test the authorities. He ran afoul saying! "I was only borrowin~ quadriplegic, Inuit \\...._ It seems Crook had scores returned Crook of an obscure 1891 Virginia it. • However, this defense Indian with ~ traveled to Haiti with discovered that the Zombie law that forbids non­ was forestalled by the criminal Tourette's syndrome." When the intent to purchase a so­ had scored in the 0.33 consensual genital contact enforcement of yet another Irish confronted Crook with called "Zombie" to take the percentile (12 out of 180). with a hooved ungulate of the the lie, Crook opened his LSAT for him. Charges were Upon receiving these scores, opposite sex. eva. Code §0.1). See SHADY, page 8 trench coat to the financial aid dropped when the Zombie Crook contacted Liz Jackson Crook's expulsion seemed Scratch-'n'-win Law Review c.ompetition retroactive By MARTIN SUBCHECK Several modifications were sug­ book; he stated. test as an attemative. Law Review As a result of complaints from both gested prior to the decision to abolish Others suggested a St. Patrick's members praised the creativity of the students and faculty, the William and the competition. One depraved stu­ day drink-off competition. The last 36 suggestions, claiming they are tired of Mary Law Review write-on competi­ dent suggested having the competi­ standing receive invitations. Chris reading third-rate, first-year garbage. tion has been abolished retroactively, tion over Christmas break. "I don't Leibig said, "Coot." Those who have to be replaced with a random lottery likespendingtimewith myfamily,and an aversion to strong drink suggested See SUBCHEK, page 5 drawing. it would give me more time to blue a good old-fashioned pie eating ·con- "We figure we'll get just as quali­ fied a staff,· said Law Review Editor­ Kaplan Captures Control of Curriculum in Career Coup In-Chief Tom Martinchek. ·we are trying to change.our image with the student body. They think we all got Law School to begin job training for 3Ls here on our merits, and so do we. But . By UN M. PLOYED which to gain a competitive edge on Elvis on black velvet. (Oh yes, there who wants to give up Spring Break or The complaints of Marshall-Wythe other law schools,· said Dean Robert will be a basket weaving class.) In Beach Week?" . students regarding the dearth of elec­ Kaplan of OCPP. "Now we can tell our order to accommodate these new First year law professors welcome tive classes and the tightening job students, 'If you aren't happy with the· additions to the curriculum, the law the change, complaining of low atten­ market have not gone unheeded. law, or just can't find a job in the legal school will be suspending Legal Skills. dance in classes just prior to the com­ Starting next year, students will be field, maybe you should consider auto "Something had to go; said Dean K. petition deadline. One professor con­ able to take a variety of vocational repair, or word processing or even "We surveyed to find out which class tended that he had to severely repri­ and technical classes aimed at in­ truck driving.'" was the most time consuming and the mand poor1y prepared students. "How creasing the number of classes avail­ The course selection has some­ least rewarding." could these bright young students be able to students as well as improving thing for everyone. For the artistically wasting their time and their youth on the marketability of the students. inclined, there will be courses on how See TRADE, page 8 such a worthless enterprise?" ·we fett we needed some way in to write publishable poetry, or paint ~2~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~======~Friday,Apni1,1994THEANEu~eC~ER THE AMBULANCE CHASER* Marshall-Wythe School of Law "Dedicated to the incomplete and subjective reporting of student news and opinion"

The Wicked Witch: Leeanne Morris Snow White: Shelley Evans Prince Charming: Paula Hannaford Year of the Queer: Gay life at M -W The Poisoned Apple: Debbi Holmes By "DIVA" DESIMONE face of adversity, however, the receptive Marcus. Com­ The Dwarfs: Well, girls, chalk up an­ Owen quickly found some plaining that the Elvis Shrine Dopey: Ted Atkinson other year in Billyburg and chicken ... oops, I mean, a was too hetero-centric, Danny Grumpy: Walter Benzija you know what that means-­ boyfriend . . . on the main convinced Marcus to provide Sneezy: Ellie Bordeaux it's time for Diva's queer re­ campus. Despite the display space in the student lounge Bashful: John Crouch Sleepy: Stephen Thomas King view of the 1993-94 year at Peter created with his beau at for a Judy Garland shrine, Homey: Tom Martinchek Marshall-Wythe! It's bitchy, the PSF Date Auction, he still complete with faux ruby slip­ Doc: Jeremy Phillips it's catty, and it's about the carries a burning torch for fel­ pers. "Elvis was quite a queer people, places, and events low classmate and SBA-hunk, icon," Reed explained, "with • The Ambulance Chaser is a newspaper parody produced by the staff of the. Amicus Curiae, not to be taken seriously. that make M-W so much fun Peter Schiron (1 L). his gyrating hips and all, but for us queer folk. Of course, the highlight of Judy will provide a truly queer­ TOP TEN REASONS QUEER BOYS CHOOSE M-W Who said Billyburg was the year for Diva was the long­ positive message to all the boring? With this year's overdue formation of the young gay admittees visiting 10. Only 2 1/2 short hours away from all the great gay bumpercropofqueer1Lsand LGLAatM-W. lt'sabouttime! the law school. She's the nightclubs in D.C. other recent upperclass "con­ Diva loves political activism, greatest!" 9. Who needs the D.C. club scene anyway?? It can't verts," this year at M-W has but schlepping over to the The ever-P.C. Reed, spot­ compete with the Oar House in Norfolk just after one been the most fun a boy can main campus to join the 18- ted in the library by veteran of those big Navy aircraft earners returns to home have this side of the Castro. and 19-year-old twinkies in M-W queer Clay Batchelor port after six long months at sea ! (Gays in the So in the words of our god­ the undergraduate gay stu­ (2L) during the first week of Military??--Diva never realized there were straight dess, Bette Davis, fasten your dent groups was growing re­ classes, sporting full rainbow men in the Navy!!). seatbelts, girls, it's gonna be a//ytired. Let's face it, they're regalia and glowing from last 8. Couldn't get into Greenwich Village's esteemed law a bumpy ride ! pretty and fun to cart along on year's March on Washington, school (NYU), and, alas, there's no law school in San Peter Owen (1 L) was the road-trips for dancing in Rich­ recently drew President Tim Francisco's Castro District. talk of the town after Fall From mond/Norfolk, but Diva gets Sullivan's ire, threatening to 7. It's always fun offering our female law student friends Grace where he reached leg­ depressed spending too much stage a queer kiss-in at a valuable boyfriend advice. end status by brazenly grab­ time with boys who were born Board of Visitors' meeting 6. No need in Billyburg to keep up the relentless perfect bing Tim Sing he I (2L), newly back in an era when she was unless Sullivan agreed to grooming and stylish dress demanded in urban queer appointed Lesbian and Gay still lovesick for Peter Brady. change the name ofthe school communities. · Law Association (LGLA) liai­ The administration at M­ to William & Mary and Will­ 5. All the cute-but-closeted frat boys on the main campus son to the straight M-W com­ W has proven very queer­ iam & William and Mary & (can you say ... Sigma Alpha Hair-Salon?). munity, and dragging the un­ friendly, warmly embracing Mary. 4. It's more fun engaging in flagrant public displays of suspecting young Republican the LGLA folks by hosting not For you leather/S&M fe­ homosexual affection in Billyburg, where you stand a onto the dance floor. If only one but two catered luncheon tish fans, Diva cannot neglect good chance of offending a Pat Robertson or Oliver Ollie could've been on cam­ meetings within the span of a mentioning the most blatant North follower, than in NYC or San Fran or LA, where pus to see that! couple months. After these~ display of sado-masochism no one gives a second look. Owen wasted no time ond luncheon drew a record this year. San Francisco­ 3. Nothing beats flustering the straight boys on the flaunting his sexual orienta­ crowd of LGLA members, bound queer Law Review auction block at the PSF Dinner Date Auction by tion after arriving at M-W, Acting Dean Paul Marcus Editor Tom Martinchek (3L) bidding against their female admirers. venting his frustration at the won the "God, They're Every­ fueled his fantasies at the 2. Playing "guess who's the queer" during the first week lack of a gay law students where!" Award for his seem­ expense of poor unsuspect­ of classes as a 1L is much more challenging at M-W group to the poor unsuspect­ ingly innocent remark, "My, ing 1L males, forcing them to than at those less repressed, big-city schools. ing students staffing the how this group is growing!" spend their Spring Break not 1. Only M-W has that sexy stud-muffin that we al/want­ SERCH table during activi­ LGLA president Danny chasing women on the -John Brownlee! ties day. Demonstrating his Reed ( 1L) won important con­ beaches of Daytona, but read­ remarkable resilience in the cessions immediately from ing and writing about a queer topi~the Colorado Supreme Court's overturning of anti­ John Marshall: M-W's first gay student gay Amendment Two. By DAN E. REID Wythe and Marshall were competing explanations. Marshall, once firmly Diva heard from reliable Although the Lesbian and more than just teacher and Traditionalists continue to embarked on his route towards sources that over Spring Gay Law StudentsAssociation pupil. In a note apparently assert that Wythe's nephew, greatness, began to find the Break, Martinchek was seen (LGLA) has only just executed after a minor spat, George Wythe Sweeney, was old man's attentions cloying holed-up in the Law Review established itself at the law Wythe begs for Marshall's the culprit. However, they and embarrassing. To avoid office, poring over back is­ school, LGLA has recently forgiveness. "Each night now feel that Sweeney was a career-ending scandal, sues of Dungeon Master discovered that their culture without you is an agony," part of a love triangle that Marshall eliminated the magazine while awaiting the and goals are deeply rooted stated Wythe "I hunger for went awry. problem, arranging the 1 L write-on submissions. inM-W'shistory. Lastweeka your touch.· Later Wythe left his estate to evidence so that Sweeney Martinchek's antics were soon team of archaeologists made correspondence Sweeney in an effort to would take the blame. followed by his unsuccessful an amazing find--they . demonstrates that the two console the young man when While not embracing either attempt at the PSF Date Au~ unearthed a stack of love were ultimately reconciled. Wythe choose to concentrate theory, LGLA officers have tion to bid on Law Review letters exchanged between This new evidence has led his amorous efforts on expressed no surprise at the Executive Editor Charles John Marshall and George scholars to revise the theories Marshall. Sweeney discovery. President Danny Griffith (3L). Known by the Wythe. explaining Wythe's murder. apparently did not take Reed (1 L) explained that it M-W queer community as the Wythe, a renowned greek Where scholars once believed rejection well. However other was only natural for the pair to cutest La'w Review editor, scholar, apparently had more that a greedy nephew offed scholars believe that Marshall tum to one another. "Where, Griffith noted that Martinchek affinity for that society than Wythe in orderto get his hands was the one who doused but with each other, could they previously realized. The on Wythe's estate, theorists Wythe's strawberries with have found such impressive See DIVA, page 8 letters make it clear that the are now tom between two arsenic. It is thought that head . . . I mean heads.· Friday, April 1, 1994 THE AMBuLANCE CHASER 3 M-W professor gives birth to hideous alien child By URSULA F. OXENHURT noticed Rod 's ties flashing like bea­ study it more closely. Government Horrified by this possibility, the The delivery . was routine and cons into space. officials agree that extensive interro­ Smalones say they just want to raise mother and child are doing fine. But NASA officials have taken an avid gation will be necessary. Schitz's the child normally. "How dare you try shocked doctors are calling the birth interest in baby Smalone. They have faction feels that medical study culmi­ to deny us the chance to introduce our of the baby boy a miracle--he's like classified the event as a non-hostile nating in dissection is necessary to · baby to hate speech, environmental nothing you've ever seen be­ visitation. Some experts theo­ truly understand the threat posed by crime and Elvis?" sobbed the fore! That the Smalone rize that an alien culture the creature. Smalones. baby would be a very has chosen this mecha­ special child is a fact nism to learn about our no one ever doubted. species while simulta­ God speaks at law school But just how unusual neously introducing their By HOLIER THAN THOU and through Adam all have broken the was a surprise even race to us. The With little fanfare, God arrived at Law. I don't care what your sexual to the happy parents. Smalones have ex­ the law school last Friday. Having orientation is. You're all original Now, afterweeksof pressed their pleasure already exhausted all potential criminals." prevarication and at being chosen as the speakers on the Atlantic seaboard, The heavy-lidded audience stirred concealment, .... instrument of this the school decided to invite His uncomfortably in their seats, rustling the secret is \ I\_ cultural ex- Holiness as a last resort. brown bags and gnashing teeth on out. Ahigh­ -. change. The presentation was sponsored peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. ranking I Unfortu­ by the Federalist Society, SERCH, One inquisitive student asked if CIA agent nately, other the Mary and William Feminist God would letthe audience knowwhich and close scientists be­ Society, the Christian Law Fellowship, among them are condemned to eternal fa m i I y '-· · lieve the Action for Better Living (ABLE), the damnation. "Res ipsa loquitur,· was friend birth is a Student Bar Association (SBA), and God'sonly response. Another student leaked harbinger the Law School Speakers Forum. The asked God to perform some miracles. the first of doom. session was billed as a brown-bag He visited humor upon the faculty and picture of P. Schitz, affair. made the temperature throughout the mother -:-'--- an expert "I am not dead," said God, "despite entire law school 72 degress and child to ~ · from this reports to the contrary." Apparently permanently. the Ambu­ camp, ex- he has been vacationing somewhere At the sight of these miracles, a lance Chaser plains that the on the Black Sea for the last century. group of protesting Atheist law late last aliens have ob­ God claimed that individuals such students caused a disturbance in the week. The viously far out- as Nietzsche, Paine and the French rearoftheclassroom. One prominent child is a stripped us in tech­ philosophers have unfairly prejudiced atheist scoffed at God's presence. slightly built, pale-skinned creature nological achievement, and could de­ the world against Him. He arrived to "He ought to just go back where he with a high, sloping forehead and poly­ stroy us all on a whim. They are proclaim the truth, mumbling came from. Why can't He understand ester-like skin which periodically turns capable of manipulating our natural something about having framed the that He doesn't exist?" khaki. According to the Smalones, world in ways beyond our comprehen­ Ten Commandments. "Lawyers, law students and the child has demonstrated an un­ sion, asserts Schitz. God took this opportunity to lash journalists have as much hope of usual affinity for toner cartridges. As an example, Schitz points to out at the Supreme -Court. "Who passing through the gates of heaven When questioned about the ap­ the bizarre climactic conditions that cares about the intent of the original as does a camel through the eye of a parently alien child ! Professor Smolla afflicted the 'bur~ this winter--unusual framers ofthe Establishment Clause? needle," proclaimed an an!;)ry ~od, admitted that he felt confused, hon­ bouts of extremely cold weather alter­ They weren't God. I'm God . Why reminiscent of his Old Testament days ored,jealous, proud and frightened all nating with unseasonably warm peri­ doesn't Scalia ask about my original (before being picked up on waivers by at the same time. "This must be how ods. Schitz also lays the responsibil­ intention? After all, I created it all.· the Christians.) "Their greatest crime Joseph felt,~ commented Smolla. ity for the strange temperature condi­ One professor accused the is that they claim to know what is right, Smolla's "Mary" has no recollec­ tions in the law school at the feet (if almighty of overstepping the bounds what is just, what is good, equitable, tion ofthe conception. However, since they have feet) of the aliens. Schitz of authority. "It seems that God fair. There was a time when God was learning that she was pregnant, she feels that both environmental adjust­ believes he has the power to infringe the only judge oftruth. Now everyone has stopped nipping the cooking sherry ments were attempts to make the upon the majoritarian process." has a claim on truth." and is now clear-minded enough to fetus more comfortable. In an impassioned response, God In a final embittered plea, God formulate her own theory. Malone Schitz's adherents have initiated a went on to proclaim all humans speculates that aliens may have movement to remove the child from depraved. "My Law was the first Law; See GOD, page 8 homed in on- the couple when they the Smalones' custody in order to and the first Law was broken by Adam; Richard Williamson r--~;~0;;~---~ Timothy Sullivan : r--;=~:~---~

I The future Dean hopeful first 1 I Back in his days of working_ Professor Timothy Sullivan, i Hair today, gone tomorrow!! 1 gained public noteriety when 1 I for NORML, Collins was fa­ many years before he went on I Judging from his excited I he composed his immortal Fifth 1 l mous for his long and lustrous to become Mayor of Palm 1 expression, young Neal has I Symphony. More recently, he 1 I mane. He still resents that his Springs, became famous for I just learned that one day his I has been brought up on Honor 1 I transfer to M-W caused his recording "I Got You Babe" I voice may change! 1 Code charges for attempting 1 1tresses to fall out. with ex-wife, Cher. 1 Prof. Devins still exhibits the I to bribe the Dean search 1 1 Because of his overuse of Who would have thought 1 same dork.y grin he had at I committee. 1 I psychedelic drugs, he often that this debonair, man-about- I Georgetown. You can see it I In the years before he took 1 1flashes back in class-zoning Williamsburg, GQ kind of guy- 1 today whenever someone 1 up jogging, Prof. Williamson 1 1 out and muttering "OK .. -who later went on to dine with 1 quotes the· Equality Principle. 1 walked around the law school I 1 .[pause] ... OK ... [pause] ... OK." Margaret Thatcher and Prince 1 Devins is best known for an 1 hallways in a judge's robe, 1 1 - Rumor has it that Collins Charles--owned stuffed 1 exploit in which he and his 1 telling _ cornered Contracts 1 1still lives with his mother, but animals and a tie you could 1 buddies sacrificed a friend in 1 students, "I pardon you." 1 I no mother would let her son go land a plane on? 1 their drunken effort to moon a 1 I out in public looking like that. bus load of law review geeks. ·------·I ·------· ·------·I ·------·1 THE AMBuLANCE CHASER 4 Friday, April1 , 1994

GHOST ABUSED: York, England, magistrates made Yin Yin Man pay $1 ,075 Ireland's occupied counties, which benefit greatly from unrest, economists for throwing hot water at trick-or-treater David Cooper, 8, burning his face, warned. The foreign-funded security industry is the region's largest employer. chest and back. Unaware of Halloween, Man assumed Cooper was a ghost. Fortunately, however, huge smuggling empires would mostly survive a return (London Times). to peace. While the "Troubles· produce some violence, the area is still far safer PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN THE WRONG CENTURY: William Gray was than the U.S. (Spectator). convicted of raping a Cincinnati woman who faints whenever sex is mentioned. GIVING THEM THE FINGER: Joel Gonzalez of Bridgeport used a homemade She said he learned of her condition, then whispered "sex" to her and molested paper cutter to remove his "trigger finger" and send it to a legislative committee her while she was unconscious. At the trial, she passed out four times while studying gun control. He will not let surgeons reattach it. (USA Today). describing the assault, and also whenever lawyers tried to find euphemisms or FROSTED FLAKE DIET: Eating only frosted flakes and eggs, Joey Buttafuoco spelled "s-e-x." (USA Today). lost 30 pounds in his four months in jail. He's training for a boxing match with· BLOODY CLUMPS: A Norwich, England, court made hunt-saboteur Timothy Geraldo Rivera. (USA Today). Nickerson pay $375 for flinging bloody clumps of fox fur at 2-year-old twins. SATAN, GOD AWAIT REMATCH: To demonstrate how God will treat Satan (London Times). on the Day of Jubilo, Rev. Anthony Dearinger of Hillsboro, Ill. picked up an 8- ONE LONESOME COWPOKE: Wyoming's Supreme Court rejected Richard year-old boy and threw him. (USA Today) Osborne's suit against a video shop where he rented "Belle ofthe Ball," staning RASPBERRY AWARDS: Indecent Proposal took Worst Picture and Worst Busty Belle (rhymes with Muscarelle). When she only appeared for eight Screenplay awards, with Woody Harrelson as Worst Supporting Actor. (Wash­ minutes, his frustration escalated into an asthma attack. (USA Today). ington Post). HELPING SPOTTED OWLS: Gag Foods yanked Spotted Owl Helper and GLIB TOAD: "Imperious, arrogant, glib toad," "spineless cabbage," "chief Road kill Helper off the market to settle a trademark suit. (USA Today). goonda of the state," "retardate worm" and "disgraceful reptile" are NEGLIGENT DOG: A California appeals court reversed a verdict that found unparliamentary expressions, the Indian parliament's secretariat decreed. no negligence where a dog ran into a bicycle. (Trial). (Washington Post). SEX BUSINESS IS BIASED: Four barmaids in New Port Richey, Fla. , sued UNDYING LOYALTY: Mary Bratcher of Artesia, N.M., ran over her dog, a nightclub that laid off all its females when it went gay, and Chicago's Savino Brownie, with a pickup truck and buried him in a field. The next day he Latuga sued Hooters for not hiring him as a Hooters girt. (Reason). appeared on the front porch, missing an eye. Bratcher renamed him "Lazarus." CENSORED FOR OMISSION: A Calcutta High Court banned the Guiness (USA Today). Book of World Records and ordered all copies in India seized because it fails ORDERLY RETREAT: A lady robbed a bank in Bernalillo, N.M., then went to credit Saloo and Neeva Chadhury with driving across six continents. next door and ate a burger before fleeing. She is still loose. (USA Today). (London Times). WELL-EQUIPPED VEHICLE: A man in Alamogordo, N.M. bought a truck at CONSTRUCTIVE FISH: Seaweed is legally a fish, said a New Jersey appeals a police auction and found 20 pounds of methamphetamines in the dashboard. court. (National Law Journal). (USA Today). KITSCH IDOL PURGED: Consistory Court Judge Coningsby, Q.C., Chancel­ lor of the Diocese of York, ruled that a four-foot statue ofthe Virgin is too kitschy Marshall-Wythe proudly presents to remain in a church in Cottingham, England. (London Times). SOCIETY KILLS 16, CLOGS DRAIN: Englishman Dennis Nilsen killed 16 ..lfl-\1~ TIV\IAIL ()It= ~II)~~ §Mt()LIA~~ people, but only one of them was ever reported missing. Nilsen was caught Follow the life and times of Professor Rodney A. Smolla (Arthur B. Hansen only because their remains clogged his drains. He chided "society" for being Professor of Law) as he wrestles with the fundamental questions of life: so concerned for his victims after they were dead, when it had done nothing "Why am I here?" "Am I loved?" "Whose name can I drop today?" for them while they were still alive. (Spectator). Following a particularly heavy lunch, Professor Smolla dr~ams his ego CELLULOID TYKES KILL AGAIN: L.A. teen Christopher Golly killed his is on trial. If he defends himself successfully his ego gains immortality. If father in a routine dispute over driving privileges, then called 911 , killed a he fails, he will only be remembered for his neckwear. policeman and killed himself. His last words: "Beavis and Butthead made me • Seel Rodney A. Smolla as he is defended by Arthu·r B. Hansen in do it. Heh heh heh." (Village Voice). Courtroom 21! KISS OF OBLIVION: Tabetha Dougan of Ohio, is accused of spitting • Hearl The charges levelled against Rodney A. Smolla, so-called First tranquilizers into men's mouths wh ile kissing, then stealing their cars and Amendment Libertarian, for his efforts in banning Mort< and Mindy and jewelry. (USA Today). · Baywatch from the airwaves! PEACE TH REATENS IRELAND: Peace would be an economic disaster for • Smell! The tension as you come to the gripping conclusion of the Trial 0 1 Collect them all! This week: Blast from the Past! ...___f T_h_e_ce_n_tu_ry_------~ More clip 'n' save Marshall-Wythe trad ing cards

I

Squealin' Neal Sully Harvey Wallbanger Dick Friday, April 1, 1994 THE AMBuLANCE CHASeR ======5 Ask Bob's Big Boy Dear Big Boy: certain SBA President guilty IN ALL OF HISTORY CAN onds, Mr. Big Boy must dis­ portrait of Gov. Godwin is a Don't you think there's of telling a fib to Financial Aid YOU NAME ONE MAN agree and suggest that Pro­ mystery, similar to the strange something ethically ques­ (a department begging to be MORE GOOFY THAN fessor Sepinuck is certainly abduction of the Velvis from tionable about the NCAA lied to and, at times, beaten SEPINUCK? not the goofiest man in his­ the lunch lounge a few weeks basketball poolandtheSBA about the head and neck with -Ollie Ollie Ochsenfree tory. That distinction still rests, ago. Mr. Heller, Suggestion election pool that's going wooden sticks), at least four Dear Ollie: albeit precipitously, with Fred Box Answer Man Extra­ around now? of its members knowingly and You are obviously refer­ Jacob. ordinaire, was reluctant to dis­ I can't quite put my fin­ happily threw down five dol­ ring to the good professor's cuss the removal of the por­ ger on what part of the lars in order to enter a vast enormously embarrassing Dear Bob: trait, but told me when pressed Honor Code is implicated and complex illegal gambling question to U.S. Senate Can­ What in the hell hap­ that we may not see his return as of yet, but when I do, the scheme involving 160 plus didate and one-time liar to pened to the pictur~ of for a long time. In the mean­ Judicial Council will never members of the law school Congress (he told them he former Governor Mills time, Mr. Big Boy offers some be the same! community, including staff, "had no roommates} Oliver Godwin that used to be on other inanimate figures you -All Tore Up professors, and a certain un­ North last week. the second floor of the li­ may look to for comfort, such Dear Tom: named advice columnist While the rambling, brary? I need his comfort­ as the bust of Blackstone, the Under Virginia law, it is (who, by the way, is no longer spleen-venting professor ing looks if I am expected to painting of Wythe, or one of illegal to purchase an entry in sitting in good shape to see at managed to lose any rem­ make it through the day. the several hand puppets Pro­ a game of chance where least part of the ill-gotten nants of respect and authority -Father Figureless fessor Collins keeps behind money would constitute the booty). One can only assume he may have once held among Dear Figureless: his desk for when he "feels winnings. As such, the NCAA that the Honor Code amend­ his students in those few sec-- The disappearance of the silly.· pool is illegal under Virginia ments being brought to a vote law, and is certainly as ethi­ will contain some hidden loop­ claim thatthey achieved any­ on them. The latter system cally questionable as, say, hole regarding charges stem­ SUB-CHEK, from page 1 thing, or that they are in fact would resemble the NBAdraft lying to a loan department ming from betting that the better than anyone else. lottery. The student with the official about the number of College of Char1eston or other Another spirited student The administration gave lowest GPA would get 180 roo mates one has. As for the puddin'-head basketball suggested survival-of-the-fit­ full support to the Law Re­ balls in the tumbler while the SBA election pool, Mr. Big teams will reign victorious in test competition resembling view decision. ·we neecf student with the highest would Boy has not heard of this be­ Char1otte. the American Gladiators for­ something novel to attract At­ only get one ball. fore, but would be willing to mat. "While it was a nice tention to the law school. We In addition to the write-on investigate further, provided Dear Mr. Boy: suggestion, it still suffers from can't just rely on our Legal competition changes, the odds are attractive. Isn't it ironic that profes­ one inherent weakness; said Skills program for notoriety Martinchek has abolished the As to your point about the sorSepinuckwrapped him­ Martinchek. "New law review anymore; said Acting Dean editorial board and decreed Judicial Council, I wouldn't self in the flag of contracts, members would still be cho­ Paul Marcus. Details ofthe that he will stay on as Editor­ worry about a charge ever attempted to create a sen according to their relative lottery have not yet been de­ In-Chief in perpetuity. being brought, due to the in­ shadow Legal Skills gov­ merits. We wanted a compe­ cided upon. Some favor a Martinchek has decreed violable Glass House Doc­ ernment, only to stand upon tition as arbitrary in form as scratch-and-win approach, that he shall henceforth be ttine. Nlr. Big Boy finds it the very Constitution he vio­ the present write-on competi­ while others suggest drawing addressed with a straight(?) ironic that while the Judicial lated in order to run for tion is in substance." Under ping-pong balls with the stu­ arm salute and the words Council was able to find a Sales professor of the year? the new system, no one can dents' social security numbers "Seig Heil, Martinsubcheck."

..- -

Cheerleader and Basketball Homecoming Queen Beatrice Falls was escorted throughout the festivities of the evening by SCA president Trotter Hardy

Elmer The Trottster THE AMBulANcE CHASER 6. Friday,April 1, 1994

Night life in Williamsburg. Ha, ha, But, you say, what's so gosh dam of ca ution: you must be at least as tall lucky winners! ha, ha, ha, ho, ho, ho, huh, huh, huh!! ! special about this place? Lots of joints as the sign outside the room indicates So, come on in to The Do Me So sorry. Just a little seizure there. have good wet drinks and titillating or it's off to the stockade with you. Tavern and get a taste of how Tommy Kind of like the reaction one would get food choices. Well, my friends, as Family rates are available and Fri­ Jefferson must have kicked back and after glancing at Shannon Doherty's they say in Jersey, ask me another day is wet hoop skirt night with honest beat off those colonial blues. (of 9026578933 fame) pale, pimply question and I'll blow your friggin' butt in Playboy. Not a pretty site folks. head off you rotten S.O.B. Music for Morons But I digress. That's right, it's the atmosphere, Anyway. back to this critic's in­ the ambiance that makes Do Me the Milli Vanilli do the Beatles trepid search for something to do in place to come. Kind of like its earlier Filling the part of George this bastion of what is old, stale and predecessor, Gambols, plenty of fun Various Artists, Beatles' conveniently located on Scotland St. games and surprises.await the stimu­ Documentary Soundtrack Harrison might seem like a Recently, this lucky critic discov­ lated tavern goer. Coinciding with a new daunting task, but Jones ered something new, exciting, and My _personal favorite is the little documentary on the Beatles is this successfully recruited John Oates oh, dare I say, on the edge of what is replica stockade in which one is bound, new release of contemporary artists to play guitar and sing back-up historical and pristine. Tucked away blindfolded and beaten about his ex­ covering old Beatles' tunes. vocals. Initially Oates felt this in a little back alley on DOG Street posed glutes by a colonial maid Producer Quincy Jones has role would require a great stretch, has opened the soon-to-be-famous adorned in a black leather frock who assembled a virtual supergroup but when Jones informed him that Ye Olde Do Me Tavern. implores you to sing, Ml have been a consisting of some of the finest he would not play that major a role The Moo Me" is true to its colonial bad little Minute Man .. . . I will please musical talent ever to jam at one in the production, Oates felt much origins. The beer and other lovely Mommy." Ah, thattune still ech­ session. better. refreshments are served in elongated oes in my mind. Speaking of the Jones has enlisted the pop duo Finally, to •play" Ringo, Jones and rather thick cylindrical glasses, bizarre, after seeing The Piano re­ Milli Vanilli to handle the vocal snagged the hot talent of Andrew hand blown by the various glass smith cently, did you notice that you never chores. Vanilli does the voices on Ridgely. Ridgely, besides being wenches. One drawback, however, is see Harvey Keitel and Rod Smolla Paul's songs, while Milli sings the the creative force behind Wham!, that the glasses often become damn together in the same room? part of John. Jones felt that the duo, a group often referred to as the near dripping wet making a good grip Hmmmmm. after working together for several '80s Beatles, played drums on all and handling a major obstacle. For those with an adventurous years, could best capture the their hits. The food is an equal delight; the spirit, a good urologist and insurance, harmonies that made the Beatles The result of this mad famous. One listen to MHey Jude" experiment must be heard to be oysters and clams on the half shell there is a little room upstairs called believed. Old classics like "Love offer both a culinary and visual treat. "The Stable." After paying a small proves how right he was as Vanilli Me oo· and •Help• are given a The tasteful sprigs of parsley sur­ additional pence to George MJ oey B." gives the song an added depth and fresh twist without destroying the rounding the clam were a charming Washington , one is invited to saddle emotion that McCartney could never integrity of the originals. touch with credit going to a new chef up and gallop your way to an exhila- attain. ------I ------I I Elmer J. Schaefer 1 Isham Trotter Hardy I ------1I Elmer J., the last in a long line of Fudds hasn't had a 1 What's this? Rhythm guitar strokin', beard sportin', . raise in twenty years. Consequently, he can only afford to Birkenstock wearin', Dead followin', granola crunch in' shop at the Salvation Army. He also accepted clothes from Trotter Hardy back in 1964 when he was the Ultimate Fred Lederer, but alas, only after Fred thinks they're no White Bread Establishment Boy. SCA President?! longer fashionable. This photo, taken during the mid­ Prom Committee?! Dance date to the Homecoming seventies when the jackets Prof. Schaefer currently wears Queen?! were actually in style, captures the Corporations professor Maybe a meltdown at Surry caused this dramatic on the phone with NASA, negotiating the sale of his change in appearance and personality. But he can't glasses to be used in a proposed land-based observatory. completely hide his true colors-he's still a world class In his Partnership and Agency course Elmer rivets economics/computer geek at heart. students to their seats with tales of how obscure principles All we can say about the last 30 years is what a long, of law were responsible for the inexplicable failure of strange trip ifs been. Schaefer & Lederer, a menswear boutique. But having graduated from college at the tender age of 14, Elmer is used to being the odd man out. I I I I I I I I ·------~ ·------~------~ THE AMBuLANCE CHASER 7 Fnday,Apnl1, 1994 M-W takes mud wrestling crown in dirty final round By MAD BILLIGAN the title by defeating preseason 4-0 regular season, Dirtier, Slimier pumped up pre-game by viewing a The results are in and the coveted favonte and M-W nval Dirtier, Slimier, had to be satisfied with second place. video tape of their earlier surprise crown can now be conferred. The co­ Slipperier in an exciting final round. Clay "Eligible" Batchelor and defeat of #1-ranked Our Lady, in last ed naked mud wrestling championship Despite the choice of medium, Jello partner Kenya Pamsh "The Thoughe season's Lawyer Roping Rodeo. The has drawn to a conclusion. And the bounced, wobbled, and wiggled their led the Gntty Grapplers to third by motivational technique apparently final standings are: way to victory in ten short minutes. 2L defeating Mu Delta and Sigma Epsilon worked--Butt Crack vanquished UNC's Michael "See My" Cox started for Xi. But the Grapplers lost the chance Tim "Flip The" Bird and Jennie "Look 1. We Prefer Jello Jello against Jennifer"l'm A" Hoh, but to advance when they fell to Dirtier, At That" Johnson in a startling upset. 2. Dirtier, Slimier, Slippener when Cox couldn't seem to find a way Slimier in a match so mud-filled 3. Gntty Grapplers to hang on, partner Amy Rollins "In the players couldn't be 4. Butt Crack The Hay• took the tag. Hoh hit the distinguished. 5. Ugly, Nasty Creatures mud hard so partner Cart "Can't Get Butt Crack also fell to We E" Neff came in for the second round. Prefer Jello, .but not until after Once again, M-W students have However, Rollins brought home the they walloped defending wumped the undergrads, displaying gold for the Jello duo by finishing Neff champions Ugly, Nasty amazing ability to get down and dirty off with her patented "flying butt Creatures. BC's Joan "Candy" when it counts. We Prefer Jello took scissors· move. After an impressive Kane and Patnck "Wanna· Pettit Registration Bulletin Supplement This bulletin contains updated meaningless facts. pants can expect to be di­ course and schedule information 897 Ultra Tax vorced, alcoholic and burned for the 1994-95 academic year. It is Fall (12), Mr. Donaldson out by the end of the semester. meant to supplement the course An advanced course focusing on 388 Textile Law listing and schedule information re­ provisions of the tax code that the Spnng (3), Mr. Lederer ceived in hanging files last week. student could never ever possibly This course focuses on cor­ Students are encouraged to speak understand, and shouldn't even try. porate textile law, pnmanly Li nda to the professors regarding any in­ The course will be taught from the utilizing the professor's ward­ formation about the listed courses. professor's memory, and will cover robe as a starting point. Top­ 321 Law and Anecdotes the history, structure, and current tax ics include products liability and Spring (3), Mr. Smorcus code sections with alarming intncacy the "Inflammable Polymers• A study of the functions of the and detail. Nobel Pnze in Economics claim, polyester pants and the constitutional and cnminallaw sys­ recommended, but not required. National Environmental Pro­ tems as developed from conversa­ 345 Criminal Procedure Ill tection Act, and lime-green tions with judges, big media law­ Fall (2), Mr. Marcus sport coats as expression un­ yers, and attorneys-general. Spe­ A survey of all the major constitu­ der the First Amendment. cial emphasis is placed on lunch tional requirements of criminal law, 527 Topics in Admin. Law: with Supreme Court Justices and taught with the television show·cops· Search Committees famous fathers-in-law. as a background. Students will watch Fall (1), Mr. Williamson 456 Insurgency Law back-t

GOD, from page 3 DIVA, from page 2 SHADY, from page 1 TRADE, from page 1 wondered what moron would design claimed to want to use the date as little-known Virginia law, Code Sedion "Now our students have the com­ classrooms without windows. "It's all a occasion to examine his "bluebook 232-19.03. The "Defacement of petitive edge needed for a more conspiracy by human beings against form." overrated rockabilly performers who competitive job market,· Kaplan con­ humanity. They build these little tombs in Finally, how can Diva review died obesely of massive drug tinued. "Besides, nowwe can adver­ which to rot away the best years of God­ the year at M-W without mention­ overdoses on their own crappers" bill tise on daytime television with all the given life.· ing the spectacle at th~ "Defining has extremely severe consequences other technical schools. The facade Several faculty members were Family" symposium last week? for its infraction. The charges were has been removed. Let's treat the conspicuously absent from the speech, First of all, Diva must extend kudos dropped, however, after it was law honestly. It has become just muttering something about "the usurper in to Judy Conti (3L), the gay discovered that the law only applies another trade.· 119." When asked why he did not care to community's best friend at M-W, to the actual performer's corpse and Constitutional law professors dis­ attend the speaker's forum, one first-year for standing up to the evil Herb not to his likeness. · played some concern over the cur­ student said, "Oh, that guy just thinks he's Titus, former dean of Pat Having dodged so many Honor riculum changes, fearing that they God. Besides, I've got Legal Skills to Robertson's Regent Law School Code bullets, the system finally caught might be follow in the footsteps of catch up on." during the Q&A session. Spurred up to Crook on the fatefuJ day he Legal Skills, replaced by classes in on by a queer cheering section exposed himself to the financial aid masonry or plumbing. chanting "Go Girt!" from the upper officer. The Judicial Council decreed "Constitutional law just doesn't r---L:::a::---~ reaches of Commonwealth AuditO:. that Crook had violated the Honor have the practical applications of rium, Judy delivered a relentless Code and sentenced him to three other classes. We treat it too much Sorry, Linda! She-Cat Butler fight-fire-with-fire tirade against days community service helping give like a real academic class. Many of Titus, invoking her closely held re- · tourists directions to pancake houses the students even confess enjoying struck gold with this look long ligious beliefs to rebuke the Evil and "a severe tongue lashing." the subject, • said one constitutional before you hit the scene! Still, One's bigoted spin on the Bible. However, Acting Dean Paul law professor. can anyone not ask, after While Barney Frank could not Marcus felt that this was not a sufficient On the plus side, Kaplan said, looking at the inviting eyes and attend as planned, Beatrice Dohrn penalty and imposed a penalty of his "The new curriculum has already pouting lips of this innocent ofthe Lambda Legal Defense Fund own. Crook was to be fined $2,214 elicited a response from prospective deftly handled the mean and nasty and receive eight lashes across the employers seeking summer interns. lass from Chattanooga, -how­ attacks from scores of young thighs with a wet rattan cane as wielded Several east coast breweries have How!?-could she have gotten "fundies· trucked up from Regent by Marshal Wythe's resident martial requested summer beer can inspec­ stuck with a zero like Rod Law School, most of whom seemed arts master, Fred "The Dragon• tors,· .said Dean Kaplan. Smolla? to sport that happening look-a mix­ Lederer. Crook resigned from school "What we want to emphasize to ture of Hitler Youth and Little House before the punishment could be the community at large is that law­ on the Prairie. imposed however, leaving Fred yers can also be productive mem­ M-W queers have bigger and Lederer to comment, "Damn! We bers of society. We look at these .. ______. ____ .. better plans to "recruit" new mem-. could have done it in Courtroom 21 changes in the curriculum as an bers and infiltrate other law school and filmed it with 14 cameras, attempt to rehabilitate law students prepared a transcript of his agonized corrupted by the law school experi­ -Ly-nd-a - u-tle-r -- organizations next year. Don't be --- -~ surprised if next year's Federalist howls in only 22 picoseconds, and ence. 8 Society sponsors a panel entitled made a client E case out of him!" Now, when they leave here, they J "J. Edgar Hoover and Justice There are many lessons to be will have a trade that gives to the Just look at the sexual 1 Scalia: Drag Queens and Latent learned from the case of Crook. The community rather than takes,· as­ 1 Homophiles?" We are every­ one most ofthe law school community serted the Dean K. at a ceremonial tension emanating from this l where!! Ta-ta girts! Until next has taken to heart, however, seems ground breaking for the new wood­ 1973 photo of William and I year ... to be "Don't go to law school." working shop. Mary math major lynda Butler. Back when the Lusty Marcia I I Simplex Dictum By Jeff Regner Brady look_was in, young I lynda used to paint those I eyebrows on and prowl the I __c;:::f\ o . o . streets for yet another hunk of I supple boy-flesh. Purrrr! I ,'s, ·t Q,., I I e..f(;r,.,o.l;ve I Jde,se I I .. ______..I

Natural Law By Jack Mackerel SO, KiDS. .. WH'f PID 'iOO I · Donaldson joined I r:wa: roCf awt LAWt'ffl5? I our faculty after being I turned down for the I I role of 007. I · He later learned I I Everything Anyone I 1 Could Possibly Know 1 1 About Taxes, Trusts, 1 I & Estates. The infi- I I nitewisdomturnedhis I hair white. .a .. ------