A Bellyful of Words Vol. II
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BELLBELLYY BABATURETURE PRESENTS AA BellyfulBellyful WordsWords Design by Allure Graphix 1 | A Bellyful of Words Vol. II Last time I had to introduce two friends, Bimbo Introduction and Kingsley, I infused myself into the whole introduction process. Standing between them, I said: 'Kingsley meet Bimbo, Bimbo meet Me, Me s I write this, I am siing in meet Kingsley, Kingsley meet Me, Me meet Bimbo', an old guest house in the then I went ahead to shake their hands as they ancient city Ibadan . A shook each her's hands. From where I am siing, I can see the lovely view old rusted and worn The only issue we had was that we didn't know out roofing sheets. They make a very who was introducing who at the end. picturesque view but all that is running through my head is “Who Okay, I think I am talking about the wrong type invented the word 'Introduction'?” introduction here. This is what happens when I have to do introductions. Introductions are I know that this is supposed to be an supposed to whet people's appetites but that is introductory ne but believe me, I sheer wickedness. Why whet a person's appetite don't know what to say. What does when the person would still go for the full course? one say in introductions? Ladies and Gentlemen? Boys and All these complaints are because I hate Girls? Bla, bla, bla… introductions. Nonetheless, I have to write like a civilized person and civilized people do I don't like introductions, I mean introductions, right? real introductions, because I always feel le out. You get to introduce two So here it goes: people and they shake hands and all you do is stand and stare at them In this volume, you would read and you should as they think something wise to laugh . If you wouldn't laugh, then don't read. say to each her, especially when But how would you know if you would laugh if the introduction is between people you don't read? the opposite sex. I have since devised a means n be le out and The end. one that would make it a bit; well , somewhat more enteaining. This is good. I am geing beer at writing introductions. 2 | A Bellyful of Words Vol. II Introduction Menu The trip to Neverland SM Posts #1 Domestic Accident M Dialogue: Rat Biznes Director’s Cut: Pig No. 3 H stands for Humour & Horror Spot the Differences SM Posts #2 E Thursday Keke Napep Love Dear Old Bachelor That Awkward Moment When… N Poetry SM Posts #3 When I was 9: Sex Message from our partners When Trees Danced U SM Posts #4 All that I miss 3 | A Bellyful of Words Vol. II THE TRIP TO NEVERLAND SETTING: A sunny day; very sunny actually in any major city where Okada has been banned, inside a rickety bus with a lots of 'Jesus is Lord', 'No weapon fashioned against me shall prosper' and 'National Union of Road Transport Workers' stickers. The type of bus that goes: “Grrh, Grrh, Grah, Kpoa…” before starting up and would surely die at every holdup because shifting to gear one is difficult. Driver Murmuring: Make dis yeye boy load dis No! Go driving school, No! Mstchw! Yeye bus shap-shap nah, abi im tink say I wan sleep for man! Who be that ejiot wey dey shout driva for back dia, here…plus I go still go, come back. Ehen make im dey no go allow pesin drive im tin jeje. All dese police pipu sef, roger efvirytime; dia papa haf nyash. One day I go just kolet mony shap-shap, if he like make im no make clear one of dem. I hope say dat yeye boy remember the shange, settle efvirybody. Useless boy, Mstchw! I no numba wey dis police pipu gave am, if im like make im even know wetin im dey do for me sef, afta he go say gave dem hundred naira, na from im money I go comot am. make I balanced am two tahsand. Mstchw! Fulrish Chai! bifor this motor go entered gear one again. Ah! E don Ejiot! Dis yeye bus beta respected im sef o! Which kain enter, thank God o! Dat bastard no won overtake, he jas nonsense be dis nah? Dat fulrish mechanic go jas dey dey blow horn anyhow; fulrish man. Ah! Na woman sef; chop my money anyhow. God go ponish him. Today Mstchw! Fulrish woman. Ooh my…who be dat one again radiator, tomoro choke-chain, next tomoro brake-pad. nah? She tink say I go stop for here so dat area boys go catch me; nonsensical! Abi she no sabi bus-stop? Who be Ehen! Thank God say e don started. Make this fulrish dat yeye girl wey dey abuse me; her fada for dia. Make I boy close dat door nah, abi I go told am efvirytin? Kai! even see the yeye pesin. See as she be; Tolotolo-Mstchw! if I fit jas go then come back one more time. Ah! Ah! Winch! Dem no go allowed pesin see road. Eh! Eh! See this yeye driver, he no go comot im akpala motor Jezzzuuus! Ah! Ah! Yeeh! Godddd, O Jezus! Aaargh I don bifor I jam am. Buy beta motor, die o! Aaahh! 4 | A Bellyful of Words Vol. II Conductor Murmuring: Where all these yeye pasenjaz nah? Na when bus don redy to move na im dem go dey come.See how dat mumu old man dey look me as if na me dey bring pasenjaz come. Thank God say e don full. Why pipu no dey hia simpu engrish, hold shange dem no go gree, abi them forbid dem to carry change. Make this yeye bus move na; foolish old man; to comot mony to repair im bus na Passenger Murmuring: This yeye bus should full na… wahala. I no go take nonsense from am if he no gree every time one chance left, one nyash left, let people pay me my complete mony today o! Thank God say e come na. This conductor had better look for change o! Where is the driver nah? Which kain don dey move. See mumu man o! He no go carry dat nonsense be dis? Where dat yeye driver? Make im start im jaguda motor comot for road the bus make pesin comot here. The yeye boy thinks I have forgotten about my change abi? Oh my God! Who be dis one wey dey mash me anyhow nah? This madam should adjust na! Ajus go wia? Wia you see space na? Conductor give me my change before the bus moves o! Where is the driver for crying out loud, this delay is uncalled for. Which kain yeye bus I enter sef? This one that your bus is hard to start, I hope it won't quench on the way o! Me, I no go gree o! Abeg madam, open dat window small. Conductor give me my change na, I have been telling you to give me my change for long now. Settle dem make we dey go. Its overwhelming, the high rate of madness in our police force, what a disgrace! You see how dat one eye dey; na Igbo he chop, all of . Why dis yeye woman dey wahala me nah, abi I de dem, foolish son of a thousand fathers. Conductor I wan vomit shange? If she like make she shout driver tire drop. Driver! Driver! Wia una dey carry me go? Won't na she sabi. dey hear for evening, how she go say you let the young woman alight? This barbaric act of make we stop for her, abi here nah bus-stop? …If misanthrope that you transport personnel's display those agbero come catch us, she go just waka dey go would only amount to you heaping a lot of imprecative words on yourselves. Driver! Driver! Drop me nah! See her thing; she lucky say nah driver she dey abuse, if this foolish old man. Driver you no go look your front? to say na me ehn? Why this one dey shout nah? Face front o! Watch out! Oh my God! Jesus! Jezus! Chai! Yekpa! Jezus! Jezussss! Nooo! Yeeeh! Blood of Jesus. My God! Yeeeh! Aaahh! My head o! Jezussss! Aahhh! Aaargggh! Aaah. 5 | A Bellyful of Words Vol. II SM Posts #1 When asked how he learnt to face obstacles squarely and Now I wonder if he was referring to succeed, the studious young man smiled and answered: people that smile while drinking Alomo “When I was young, my mother never removed the bones from biers. her fish when cooking; so eang was like walking through a field That is a real wonder. of landmine. Each me I swallowed, could be compared to a step taken in the field” ***** ***** From childhood, most Nigerians if not We pray that we all get to that point in our life when we would all, believe in geng paid for working get up, look up, act strong and then say: '...Ehm! ...what point again?' hard. Remember how your mum made you . eat all your food before your meat and Old Age is coming. how you sll do it today? ***** That's good pay for a job well done. Some funny phrases people use when arguing are: “...I know what I'm saying” ***** And I would think: “Of course you do, only that what you are Did you hear about the playboy that saying is BS” caught the bouquet during the Another popular one is: “...Let us tell ourselves the truth” And I would think: “Your truth or mine?” wedding? And yet another is: “...Can I say something?’ He proposed to four girls that night.