BELLBELLYY BABATURETURE
PRESENTS
AA BellyfulBellyful WordsWords
Design by Allure Graphix 1 | A Bellyful of Words Vol. II
Last time I had to introduce two friends, Bimbo Introduction and Kingsley, I infused myself into the whole introduction process. Standing between them, I said: 'Kingsley meet Bimbo, Bimbo meet Me, Me s I write this, I am si ing in meet Kingsley, Kingsley meet Me, Me meet Bimbo', an old guest house in the then I went ahead to shake their hands as they ancient city Ibadan . A shook each her's hands. From where I am si ing, I can see the lovely view old rusted and worn The only issue we had was that we didn't know out roofing sheets. They make a very who was introducing who at the end. picturesque view but all that is running through my head is “Who Okay, I think I am talking about the wrong type invented the word 'Introduction'?” introduction here. This is what happens when I have to do introductions. Introductions are I know that this is supposed to be an supposed to whet people's appetites but that is introductory n e but believe me, I sheer wickedness. Why whet a person's appetite don't know what to say. What does when the person would still go for the full course? one say in introductions? Ladies and Gentlemen? Boys and All these complaints are because I hate Girls? Bla, bla, bla… introductions. Nonetheless, I have to write like a civilized person and civilized people do I don't like introductions, I mean introductions, right? real introductions, because I always feel le out. You get to introduce two So here it goes: people and they shake hands and all you do is stand and stare at them In this volume, you would read and you should as they think something wise to laugh . If you wouldn't laugh, then don't read. say to each her, especially when But how would you know if you would laugh if the introduction is between people you don't read? the opposite sex. I have since devised a means n be le out and The end. one that would make it a bit; well , somewhat more ente aining. This is good. I am ge ing be er at writing introductions. 2 | A Bellyful of Words Vol. II Introduction
Menu
The trip to Neverland
SM Posts #1
Domestic Accident M Dialogue: Rat Biznes Director’s Cut: Pig No. 3
H stands for Humour & Horror
Spot the Differences
SM Posts #2 E Thursday Keke Napep Love
Dear Old Bachelor
That Awkward Moment When… N Poetry SM Posts #3
When I was 9: Sex
Message from our partners
When Trees Danced U SM Posts #4 All that I miss 3 | A Bellyful of Words Vol. II THE TRIP TO NEVERLAND SETTING: A sunny day; very sunny actually in any major city where Okada has been banned, inside a rickety bus with a lots of 'Jesus is Lord', 'No weapon fashioned against me shall prosper' and 'National Union of Road Transport Workers' stickers. The type of bus that goes: “Grrh, Grrh, Grah, Kpoa…” before starting up and would surely die at every holdup because shifting to gear one is difficult.
Driver Murmuring: Make dis yeye boy load dis No! Go driving school, No! Mstchw! Yeye bus shap-shap nah, abi im tink say I wan sleep for man! Who be that ejiot wey dey shout driva for back dia, here…plus I go still go, come back. Ehen make im dey no go allow pesin drive im tin jeje. All dese police pipu sef, roger efvirytime; dia papa haf nyash. One day I go just kolet mony shap-shap, if he like make im no make clear one of dem. I hope say dat yeye boy remember the shange, settle efvirybody. Useless boy, Mstchw! I no numba wey dis police pipu gave am, if im like make im even know wetin im dey do for me sef, afta he go say gave dem hundred naira, na from im money I go comot am. make I balanced am two tahsand. Mstchw! Fulrish Chai! bifor this motor go entered gear one again. Ah! E don Ejiot! Dis yeye bus beta respected im sef o! Which kain enter, thank God o! Dat bastard no won overtake, he jas nonsense be dis nah? Dat fulrish mechanic go jas dey dey blow horn anyhow; fulrish man. Ah! Na woman sef; chop my money anyhow. God go ponish him. Today Mstchw! Fulrish woman. Ooh my…who be dat one again radiator, tomoro choke-chain, next tomoro brake-pad. nah? She tink say I go stop for here so dat area boys go catch me; nonsensical! Abi she no sabi bus-stop? Who be Ehen! Thank God say e don started. Make this fulrish dat yeye girl wey dey abuse me; her fada for dia. Make I boy close dat door nah, abi I go told am efvirytin? Kai! even see the yeye pesin. See as she be; Tolotolo-Mstchw! if I fit jas go then come back one more time. Ah! Ah! Winch! Dem no go allowed pesin see road. Eh! Eh! See this yeye driver, he no go comot im akpala motor Jezzzuuus! Ah! Ah! Yeeh! Godddd, O Jezus! Aaargh I don bifor I jam am. Buy beta motor, die o! Aaahh! 4 | A Bellyful of Words Vol. II
Conductor Murmuring: Where all these yeye pasenjaz nah? Na when bus don redy to move na im dem go dey come.See how dat mumu old man dey look me as if na me dey bring pasenjaz come. Thank God say e don full. Why pipu no dey hia simpu engrish, hold shange dem no go gree, abi them forbid dem to carry change. Make this yeye bus move na; foolish old man; to comot mony to repair im bus na Passenger Murmuring: This yeye bus should full na… wahala. I no go take nonsense from am if he no gree every time one chance left, one nyash left, let people pay me my complete mony today o! Thank God say e come na. This conductor had better look for change o! Where is the driver nah? Which kain don dey move. See mumu man o! He no go carry dat nonsense be dis? Where dat yeye driver? Make im start im jaguda motor comot for road the bus make pesin comot here. The yeye boy thinks I have forgotten about my change abi? Oh my God! Who be dis one wey dey mash me anyhow nah? This madam should adjust na! Ajus go wia? Wia you see space na? Conductor give me my change before the bus moves o! Where is the driver for crying out loud, this delay is uncalled for. Which kain yeye bus I enter sef? This one that your bus is hard to start, I hope it won't quench on the way o! Me, I no go gree o! Abeg madam, open dat window small. Conductor give me my change na, I have been telling you to give me my change for long now. Settle dem make we dey go. Its overwhelming, the high rate of madness in our police force, what a disgrace! You see how dat one eye dey; na Igbo he chop, all of . Why dis yeye woman dey wahala me nah, abi I de dem, foolish son of a thousand fathers. Conductor I wan vomit shange? If she like make she shout driver tire drop. Driver! Driver! Wia una dey carry me go? Won't na she sabi. dey hear for evening, how she go say you let the young woman alight? This barbaric act of make we stop for her, abi here nah bus-stop? …If misanthrope that you transport personnel's display those agbero come catch us, she go just waka dey go would only amount to you heaping a lot of imprecative words on yourselves. Driver! Driver! Drop me nah! See her thing; she lucky say nah driver she dey abuse, if this foolish old man. Driver you no go look your front? to say na me ehn? Why this one dey shout nah? Face front o! Watch out! Oh my God! Jesus! Jezus! Chai! Yekpa! Jezus! Jezussss! Nooo! Yeeeh! Blood of Jesus. My God! Yeeeh! Aaahh! My head o! Jezussss! Aahhh! Aaargggh! Aaah. 5 | A Bellyful of Words Vol. II SM Posts #1 When asked how he learnt to face obstacles squarely and Now I wonder if he was referring to succeed, the studious young man smiled and answered: people that smile while drinking Alomo “When I was young, my mother never removed the bones from bi ers. her fish when cooking; so ea ng was like walking through a field That is a real wonder. of landmine. Each me I swallowed, could be compared to a step taken in the field” ***** ***** From childhood, most Nigerians if not We pray that we all get to that point in our life when we would all, believe in ge ng paid for working get up, look up, act strong and then say: '...Ehm! ...what point again?' hard. . Remember how your mum made you . eat all your food before your meat and Old Age is coming. how you s ll do it today? ***** That's good pay for a job well done. Some funny phrases people use when arguing are: “...I know what I'm saying” ***** And I would think: “Of course you do, only that what you are Did you hear about the playboy that saying is BS” caught the bouquet during the Another popular one is: “...Let us tell ourselves the truth” And I would think: “Your truth or mine?” wedding? And yet another is: “...Can I say something?’ He proposed to four girls that night. And I would think: “Isn't this an argument, why are you asking for permission?” ***** ***** Three reasons why I avoid arguments: My new neighbours are girls; sisters I think. 1. I always lose. Not cos I am dumb or One is like Dolly Parton; with an Igbo accent and the other is like something but whenever I get into one Superman; broad shoulders, very big chests, ny legs and small and I am marshalling my first point and waists. selec ng the right words and It's a good thing it isn't in our culture to bake pies for new strategizing on the best way to deliver neighbours. my point...I forget my other points. I would be like '…Ehm! So, well...Ehm! ****** Exactly' The priest that took us philosophy in school would start and end 2.Wait sef! What was I even going to each lecture with the poem: say? "Wonders are many on earth, but the greatest of these is man...” 3. ? 6 | A Bellyful of Words Vol. II
DOMESTIC ACCIDENT Tuka! Tuka! Came the sound of the community borehole As I wheeled my barrow, whistling to myself, a tone. I always came here for two reasons: To fetch water and to meet with maids who came alone. When I first saw her, I thought she smiled at me, I smiled back and approached slowly, as I would a kingly throne. When I greeted, she really did smile, Then I knew I was in the zone. If I could spin a few nice yarns, get a name and a number, Nothing would spoil this, not even a curse from our popular village crone. She was nice indeed, and her smile bright; And her voice; a seductive drone. After she fetched her water and had given me her number, I had to help her lift her pail to her head, I was prone. If only the neck of her blouse didn't sag, Revealing to me those beautiful cones, She wouldn't have caught me staring, before my arms went weak; Killing my chances to score and leaving us soaked to our bones. 7 | A Bellyful of Words Vol. II
Because I want to believe that this is some scam or something and Dialogue: RAT BIZNES I am sure I am not hallucina ng or anything or else Mode would Moderator: This is the transcript of a dialogue not be here with his mouth open. between 'Me' and 'Jerry'. Note that it is not between Jerry: Why is it hard to believe? Haven't any of you guys seen Dr. “Me” as in the real “Me” but rather the imaginary “Me” Dooli le or Stuart Li le? I know you have seen Dooli le because I and as for Jerry…wait, who is Jerry? I think, Ehm! In- was in that cupboard, over there, the day when you were short just read it. watching it. The only annoying thing is how they had to keep NB: I also said a few things, so should it s ll be called a adding the name 'li le'; to emphasize how small, members of my dialogue? race are. Well, that aside, so I am talking, what's the big deal? Moderator: Oh-My-Gosh! They have a race and it even knows Me: This is so disgus ng. I wonder what to do with it. about movies. Jerry: Come on man; gimme a break. Jerry: Gerout! First of all I am not “It”. I've got a name. Jerry! J-E- R-R-Y. Pronounced as Jerry! Try pronouncing it. Moderator: Oh-My-Gosh! J-E-R-R-Y. Jerry! Me: Shut up there. Don't you feel foolish pronouncing it? Jerry: Boy! What is wrong with that dude? He is impossible, I wonder how you cope with him. Me: Just leave him be. Okay, now, if you can make me really understand what is happening, I just might let you go. Jerry: Fair enough. Well, I can't remember the whole story but it has been part of our history and you know how those things can be so boring, but I can remember my great-great-great-great- grand uncle telling me that there… Me: Hey! Hey! Hold your horses or whatever you guys hold. What do you mean by great-great…how many 'greats' are you even talking about and you expect me to believe? You have to try harder. Me: Give you a…My God! Did you Jerry: Come on! Why would I want to lie? Moreover he is only just speak to me? two human years old and I am what? Three human months or so. Jerry: Duh! Can't you see my lips moving or at least my We don't keep dates like you guys and the wood my mum had put whiskers twitching? Me: Shit! This is weird. Super weird! teeth marks on to represent my exact age was chewed off by a Jerry: Yeah! Yeah! Tell me about it. dri er. Moderator: Oh-My-Gosh! Is that thing talking? Me: Darn! Two years? And you guys call him great-great…? Jerry: Get a grip you rat hater Me: Mehn! You are really, as in seriously talking. Jerry: Yeah! That's how old he is. Two human years and within Geez! How come? How are you doing it? How is this even that me he has been mul plying. I guess this should explain the possible? reason why you humans say a person has giving birth like rats Jerry: Hmm! Humans! Okay, if I tell you, would you let me go? when the person gives birth to lots of children with li le space in- Me: Hey! Hey! Hold your horses… between births. Me: Wow! What would you guys now do in ten years' me? Jerry: Horses? Gosh! You guys are crazy. Jerry: Lemme see. In ten human years' me; well, I would be dead Moderator: Oh-My-Gosh! It said 'GOSH'! by then. Me: Why do you even calling it human years? Me: Sorry! Sorry! Heck, I can't believe I am apologizing. Jerry: Seriously? Are you really asking me that? See, just answer this simple ques on: You are really 8 | A Bellyful of Words Vol. II
Me: Yap! I don't have water in my mouth. Jerry: Funny! I know it sounds offensive to you. Me: No, it doesn't. Jerry: Come on! Who are you fooling? I know it annoys you but you know, you shouldn't complain. Me: Why is that? Jerry: Gosh! You are really asking me why? That's the problem with you guys; you feel so superior. To you humans, it's no problem to associate other animals with stupid things like- Ehm! What the hell is “Donkey's years”? You see, just imagine that one. Moderator: Oh-My-Gosh! It said 'GOSH' again! Me: There is nothing wrong with saying such; it's just a way of saying… Jerry: Whatever! What about “Scape-goat” or “Black Sheep” or “Cock 'n' Bull story” or “Church rat” “Under dog”? Ehn! Tell me, Me: Mehn! This is something else tell me. Jerry: Yeah! It is. The thing about it is that it is Me: Ehm! Well… somehow ingrained into every animal; that we are Moderator: Yeah! That's true. There is “Bullshit”, “Crocodile not meant to speak to your kind and because of that tears”, “Mosquito legs”, Ehm! “Kangaroo jus ce”, “Horse's most of my kind find it hard to believe that you can mouth”, “Christmas goat” Ehm! … hear us and we; that is your kind and mine, don't Me & Jerry: Shut up, you monkey banana even try to find out if it is true or not. I would say that Me: See, just wait a minute. I shouldn't be arguing with you, my kind would even be more surprised than yours if especially about who is supreme here, remember I have power they find out that your kind can hear my kind over you. speaking. Jerry: Yeah! Yeah! Me: Mehn! This is really some shii. So all animals Me: Let's start again. How is it possible that you can speak, can talk? and that I can hear you? Jerry: Jeez! How did you get through school? Of Jerry: I am not talking and it's not me you are hearing. I am course, isn't that what I implied? fcuking with your mind. Mind Fcuk! I'm using this simple but Me: Dogs, Cats, Tiger, Whales, Cobras, Hippo's, sophis cated contrap on which involves a person or persons… Goats?
Me: Don't mess with me… Jerry: Yeah! That's what I said and have been
Jerry: Okay! Okay! All animals can talk; every one of us, so saying. that should help you realize you are not as special as you would Moderator: What about insects? Yeah, insects? like to think. We have been talking right from the me your Me: Ehen! Can they talk also? kind got kicked out of Eden. Once your kind le , we got the Jerry: They too… boot too. Your suffering and dying made it possible for us to Me: Darn! I wish I can hear a he-goat talk, you suffer and die too. From what I heard, there was some sort of know like when it's chasing women, as in its female Animal's Assembly where animals got together to air their kind, and it's going about sniffing their bu s, I grievances. They called it “AA” and not the useless “Alcoholics wonder what it they could be saying. Maybe singing Anonymous” you guys have come up with. So, at the mee ng, love songs. I wonder what mad dogs are saying when the assembly all agreed to give you guys the “Silent Treatment”. they are chasing people or what lizards are saying as They called it the “ST” and that's all there is to it. they nod or… 9 | A Bellyful of Words Vol. II
Moderator: Well, what I would like to hear would be those bloody mosquitoes, when they come dancing and singing in ones ears or you know the roaches; those filthy things are everywhere. Yuck! Jerry: Hehe! By the way, the roaches are happy with the big pot you le open. I was passing by when I saw a group of them swimming in your soup. They used the big spoon you le on the pot as their diving board. Those guys are so hilarious. They are the best at partying, well; a er the bees, so I heard. Me: You saw them? You heard them? My soup? Jerry: Your kitchen is messed up you know and partying roaches are very loud. I was just going to get a snack for the missus, you know, she just put to bed, a few human minutes ago. Moderator: Oh-My-Gosh! You are married. Jerry: …and a proud father of eleven 'ratsters'… You get what I mean? Ratsters-Youngsters. Hehe! Moderator: So you are a man, as in male? Jerry: S u r e , I g o t c o j o n e s i f t h a t ' s what you mean. Hehe! Moderator: Can I see them? Jerry: What? Can you what? Moderator: Can I see your ballz? Just chill; I'll raise the basket gently, just turn over and I will have a quick look. Me: Hey! Hey! What are you doing? Come on now Mode, be careful now. Moderator: Aarrgghh! It has teeth. It bit me. Aaahhh!! Get it off my finger. Aaaghh! Me: You le ng it escape. No! Noooooooo! Jerry: So long bozo and you bloody faggot, what did you want to see my ballz for? You should be put away. 17 years! Me: I will kill you. Kiiiiiillllllll Yoooouuuu…. Jerry: Hahahahahaha! I would be back. Catch me if you can… 10 | A Bellyful of Words Vol. II
Director's cut: Pig No. 3 You know the story about the three little pigs? Well; this was how it was meant to end:
... and the big bad wolf got to the 3rd house And he huffed and puffed And puffed and huffed And blew with all his might But the house won't just fall apart Ha! Ha! “Welcome to the 21st century dawg” said Pig No.3 11 | A Bellyful of Words Vol. II
H stands for Humour and Horror
It's two o'clock on a Thursday morning. It just stopped raining outside, there is no light and my small, one bedroom, bachelour's pad is hot. I have decided that I want to rant a little. See me o! Me that hates ranting wants to rant. I truly do not know where I am going to reach with this. I am starting off by thinking to myself that I would like to compare what it means or feels like to write humour and horror and any other genre that can come to mind as I rant. Five minutes earlier, I was having beautiful ideas, you know; points I wanted to marshal out for my comparison but somehow I can't seem to remember those points. It feels weird, really weird. It sometimes makes me feel And the yeye boy had this very serious as if I have a short-termed memory. Not only that; it look on his face like he didn't know sometimes makes me feel that I might just be exhibiting what a sperm was and he really wanted one of the early signs of Alzheimer. Not long ago, I to hear me tell him. was reading up on Alzheimer, trying to find out the The way I started answering was signs and symptoms and compare them to what I even bad. I started with the experience but for the life of me, right now, I can't terrible, political way of seem to remember what I read about it. answering questions that I wonder what causes this kind of forgetfulness. I politicians use when they want to know being in an awkward situation could cause it. evade questions about missing This reminds me of what happened on Tuesday. I was monies. supposed to teach some students (JS1 and 2) about “You see…Ehm! A sperm…” I opened sex; as in Sex Education. Well, not sex education the manual that I was using to teach per say, I was supposed to talk about HIV them to see if it was defined in it so prevention and all those reproductive and health I could simply read it out but nope, related issues. I was ready for the class, I think there was no definition. I was doing well, demonstrating and clowning to make them understand. Everything was going fine “A sperm…Ehm! A sperm…a sperm is till when I got to the signs of puberty in boys. also known as a spermatozoa” At that point, I think all the sperm I mentioned the hair sprouting thing. I had just cells in my humble nut sac were all mentioned the production of sperms when this chubby, gathering together to hear what I not-innocent-looking, excited boy, flaunting the rules would say. My bloody mind that travels by not raising his hands asked me out of the blues: so far imagining things that do not “What is a sperm?” A simple question but walahi; I was stuck. It felt as help, started creating a scenario where if they had all stopped breathing just to hear what I my sperm cells were holding a protest was going to say. It felt as if I had also stopped against me for not defining them. They breathing too just to hear what I was going to say. I must have felt betrayed. With how stuttered. Imagine; Me! Not knowing how to explain what close we were, I had forgotten how to a sperm is. define them. 12 | A Bellyful of Words Vol. II
v“Sperm is that…it is the stuff…when a man 'scratching' noises coming from my releases a sperm he could get a woman pregnant. cooking shelf, where I have the pots and A man releases sperm…sperm production marks the all those bachelor cooking utensils. I beginning of puberty in boys…” quickly put on the flash on my phone; Right now, I can't even remember how I managed to God Bless BB apps. I got up and tried to answer the question but I remember that I cleared my trace the noise. throat, I guess the same way the NSCDC, my-oga-at- I was a bit surprised when I saw a rat the-top guy did before he said “…That's all” then quickly jumped to the next sign of puberty in boys; dart into one corner to hide behind some Wet dreams, and the same boy with all seriousness, pot cover. I said in my mind: 'Do you without raising up his hands to allow me prepare think that the pot cover would save you? myself asked: “What is a wet dream?” The good Is that your Captain Rat's shield?' I thing is that I got him when I started talking about told you; sometimes my imagination puberty signs in girls. The young man averted his eyes when I mentioned that their breasts grow bigger thinks on its own. To worsen things, and their nipples become sensitive. this was the same period when there was I don't know why or how we forget things sometimes. talk about a Lassa fever outbreak and my Before I forget, lemme get back to my original rant. mind started summersaulting. I started I think it is somewhat easy writing erotica. That imagining that the rat could hear me might even be the easiest genre to write because it think and if it did, it would come out is nearly easy to think about it. All you need to of hiding, shouting: “How dare you do is see one or two Hollywood movies then read disturb me? Do you know who I am? Do you some Mills and Boon novel. Do they still exist what I am can do to you?” sef? As compared to erotica, I think it is much harder to write about romance. I am talking real romance and not the typical man-always-gets- woman type of romance. Science fiction can be a hard nut to crack. I think to write science fiction, one has to be ready to be super- imaginative. Sometimes, I think my imaginations runaway and leave me behind. Sometimes I think my imaginations get lost in their own imaginations. Those times could be really terrible. I want to give you an example, but remember, I forget a lot. It isn't easy to write humour. I realize how hard it is to create humour whenever I read something I wrote and think to be funny while writing it only to find out that it feels lame on the second read. I remember how I was going to write about that joke that went viral about people gently shooing off mosquitoes when it lands on their balls instead of smacking themselves and then comparing it to what happened to me the other night. I was sleeping on my own that night o! Nude. There was heat nah and no light sef! When something woke me up. I listened, only to hear some 13 | A Bellyful of Words Vol. II
Thankfully, as quickly as the thoughts came; I am talking about reading a book and because so did they disappear. of the book becoming afraid of the dark, Only then did I remember that I was armed with becoming scared and never wanting to talk to only my phone. I looked around, grabbed a strangers or too scared to eat in a mama-put. shoe. Realized that I might need to squash it I think fear is easy to sell but hard to buy. to the ground, so I wore the shoe, then on Does that even make sense? Nowadays, what second thoughts, wore the second one then got mostly passes as horror is actually gore, another one handy. All the while, my schlong violence and sick-humour. In other words, was dancing to the movement of the hunt. I feel horror has to involve a bit of the I managed to push the pot cover aside but it supernatural. So, a story where a serial wasn't there. I pushed down some pots but I killer decides to add his victim's still didn't see it. I threw down the plates intestines to his noodles wouldn't really and spoons and other things but walahi; the fit as horror to me. rat was gone. I ended up tearing the whole Well, what do I know? It's Ehm! Fifteen place apart and rearranging them. While minutes past two and I should go to bed. No rearranging them, I was trying to understand why Oyinbo people in their movies would one to tell meto sleep tight and hope the scatter and break things whenever they are bed-bugs do not bite. Whoever started angry. that talk sef? Why would they even agree to sleep in a bed-bug infested bed in the Oya! Back to my main rant again. first place? I think writing horror is the hardest. As much Before I go, I just remembered that so far as it isn't easy to make people laugh, it is there have been only two books that have still doable. But making people scared, like really struck fear into me. Yea, two books really, really scared might be a hard job. From but I can't remember their names. the reader's point of view, Damn this memory! 14 | A Bellyful of Words Vol. II
SPOT THE DIFFERENCES
Calabar girls”& “Any other girl” Na wetin boys carry for mind
“Afro” & “Dada” Na madmen understand am pass “Kro-Kro”&“Eczema” Depends on the part of your body e dey
“Witch” & “Winch” Na who get power pass, if you doubt, come “Rose flower”& “Any other flower” meeting come ask yourself Nah too much Mills & Boon cos am
“Love” & “Lust” “Ashawo” & “Call-girl” Easy to understand wen the babe carry belle Nah the need to sound polite
“Shawarma” & “Meatpie” “A dude” & “An old woman” Be say e no get how babe wan pronounce Starts with wetin dem dey sag 'meatpie' make e sound sexy
“Midget” & “Dwarf” “Fuck” & “Fork” Be say one sound funky, while the latter Be say some people still dey pronounce one as sound like generational curse 'ferk'
15 | A Bellyful of Words Vol. II SM Posts #2 I don't like the way wrestlers and roman cs ***** in movies make ripping off clothes look According to Bovi, a tribal slap is that slap easy. which leaves a 'slapee's' face imprinted Just the other day, I was dressed in this cool with the 'slapper's' palms and fingers- na ve a re and I had to take a leak so bad. causing temporary tribal marks. I was fumbling with the rope and it ***** wouldn't come loose. Some people can be so insensi ve to the Mehn! I tried to rip that trouser and all I did plight of women. It is downright terrible I was break a nail. must say. ***** Just recently I no ced that female Neurosurgeons, Spaceship builders, bou ques have mannequins that are tall, Sub-marine pilots...I think these people are all great and I respect slim, chubby, blondes, brune es, bald, them. with or without hips, busty, etc. Now, when I see the shapes and sizes of some people's head, I tend to But they do not have flat chested respect barbers too. mannequins. ***** Let's talk about gender inequality. ***** Deep down I think we s ll don't pick up money we see lying on the ground, on the On days like this when the sun is so, so road, because we are scared of turning to terrible; I feel vampires who are trying to Yam. 'Daywalk' are stupid and have crack-filled, ***** blood-fuddled brains. Boredom is coun ng the number of white ***** squares on the ceiling board in the room. Have you experienced that unholy moment Super boredom is coun ng the number of when the priest/pastor is preaching about mes the blades of the fan spins'. being like a child for you to enter heaven Extreme super boredom is sleeping in the and there is a child disturbing and middle of all these coun ng. distrac ng everyone and happens to be ***** b e y o n d t h e c o n t r o l o f h i s / h e r Can man ever be sa sfied? I think the word mom/dad/si er and then the child struts 'sa sfied' was created to be used along with your way and you look at the child and in words like 'Not' and 'Isn't' your mind you say "If you can read my ***** mind, you would shut the fuck up and You think life is hard, that it isn't fair. What fucking sit in one place" would you now say to a fat, albino, midget ***** with tribal marks? 16 | A Bellyful of Words Vol. II THURSDAY
Today, as I walked down the street. some mes people think they are twins I met with Thursday Mondays rubs off very well on Tuesday, Si ng on the branch of a gmelina tree. that people are afraid of Tuesday some mes. He sat with his arms folded across his As for Wednesday, he might not have anything chest special, And his legs swinging back and forth. but he is much be er than me. Thursday sat without a smile on his face. His name is longer for one thing It made such a sore sight And then he is the middle man. So, I had to stop to ask Kids born in the middle are loved by everyone, “Why the long face, my dear Thursday?” or rather, they just have things going be er for He slumped his shoulders and sighed them, deeply than for the next kid like me. “Do you know what it means to be me? Then there is Friday. My dear Thursday asked. Where does one even begin with him? Do you know what it means He is super wild, To be so unimportant and drab He is super crazy and fun to be with. To be boring and slow Friday is the guy every girl wants, To not be appreciated or taken note He is the guy that makes all the guys come off?” around, When I opened my mouth to speak He is also the guy that people thank God Thursday wouldn't let me about. He con nued- he had a lot to say I I don't have to say much about Saturday perceived. because he is the number one favourite of all “I am different from my brothers. people, I am not in any way like Sunday. He comes around and they never get enough Sunday is in a league of his own, of him outstanding and exceedingly So you see; my brothers are all cool remarkable. They have things going well for them He has this glorious feel about him, But what about me that makes people put on a good Boring old Thursday behavior. The guy who's blocking people from seeing Some mes I think it's because of Friday Monday, The guy that is fed the swears meant for but even without Monday, Monday I know Sunday could handle himself very The guy that people show their ugly old well. pictures to Meanwhile, Monday is bold and daring. Then formally call it a throwback. He has a way of making people respect It's really terrible being me him. Some mes, I look at myself I don't know how he does it, And I wish I could be any other day… but his name alone speaks volumes. Any day but Thursday” Tuesday and Mondays are very close. 17 | A Bellyful of Words Vol. II
KEKE NAPEP LOVE
In August last year, I was in Owerri, the capital of the Eastern heartland of Nigeria, the clean & green land. It has been like 6-7 months since I had gone that way and nothing much seemed to have changed. The air still smelt the same, people still rushed up and down Douglas Street…buying, selling, hawking, loading. Others; minding their business but unlike the 6-7 months before then, the rain fell nearly nonstop, only when the weather man went for tea break which is 1 hour tops, and that was if we were lucky and also, the hold-up is killing. I was caught up in traffic, again. So I jumped outta the bus I was in, walked down a little, the rain then had reduced to a drizzle.
I walked for like 5 minutes. I was going to control - a weird name for a bus stop - before it started to
drizzle again, so I hopped into a Keke Napep; about the same time a girl did too. There was still a
hold-up. 18 | A Bellyful of Words Vol. II
His silence was my cue, the one I was supposed to follow and start I was almost soaked but I noticed that the delivering the punch-lines that was going to leave her fascinated girl didn't have any drop of water on her; that there were still sensible guys who really knew how to lead and her umbrella matched her dress. While I carry on a good conversation with a girl, so I closed my eyes and was wondering when the road would clear took in two quick shallow breathes; the deep ones I knew to leave up a bit or what in Mike Jones's name was for later just in case she blew me off. I looked at her and she had causing the hold-up, her phone rang. She her head angled to the left, resting with her eyes closed. At that let it ring for a while before answering it moment she couldn't have looked any more beautiful. No doubt I and when she did, she barked into it knew I was in love, I knew I had to advance and make a move, but before ending the call. then, just as if the Keke Napep understood me, it reared to life. The traffic seemed to have eased up and the Keke Napep started For the whole of ten minutes or so, moving again, when I turned back to her, she had opened her eyes nothing changed, we were still stuck in and thus I had lost focus again. traffic and the drizzle was picking up, I tried to gather my train of thoughts but the Keke Napep's then I stole a look - well more than one - breaking and starting because of the way the traffic moved wasn't at her without her knowing it. Affirmed, helping. All I needed was a word or a statement. The first word or she was a hot - statement, whatever it was, that was going to come out of my bootyful/boobriful/beautiful - girl, and mouth was supposed to set me on the right part. I knew I needed to all of a sudden some crazy lights started settle for something simple and not asking her where she was going off in my head. The Keke Napep going or paying an unnecessary compliment to her; that one transformed in my mind into a romantic wasn't going to work I told myself. Just as I decided that I was just horse-driven cart with the driver as our going to say hi, my phone rang and once again broke my train of rider. The blinds were pulled because of thoughts. It couldn't have been more annoying that it was some idiotic boy calling me. Idiotic because it was a boy calling me and the rain making it somewhat dark and then because the call was unnecessary; but mostly because it was a romantic and to top it, the rain was boy. starting to build a serenading sound on the roof of the Keke Napep; it just While the Keke Napep moved and stopped, the rain continued its couldn't get any more romantic. business and I tried not to show I was angry because of the call, but with time, I calmed down. The anger seemed to clear my head. I have never really been one to take up Never before in my entire life had I seen a better reason to be chances, I am more of the type that would angry and here I was coming up with an enigmatic approach to let things go and say: well, it wasn't meant introduce myself. for me, then regret it later, but something in me knew I didn't want to let this I decided that I was going to start with “Hi” as I had earlier opportunity pass me up. I opened my planned but unlike earlier, when I didn't know what to say after mouth to say something, anything and “Hi” or how I was going to react if she didn't say anything, not even “Hello” or a “Hi” back; now I was sure. I was going to say then the Keke Napep guy sighed out “Hi” to her and wait a few seconds for her reply. If she replied, it loudly and started complaining about would mean a great start but if she didn't I decided I wasn't going how bad the traffic was and how terrible to panic, I was simply going to tell her “Statistics” and when she government was. He took all of five turned to look at me, that is if she wasn't looking at me already minutes or so to rant but when we, the girl after responding to my “Hi”, I would smile. 19 | A Bellyful of Words Vol. II
I was pretty sure she was going to ask me what I meant by “Statistics” or simply ask “What?” or at least she was going to put up the “What are you saying?” look and when she did I wasn't going to spare her. I was going to start by telling her that: “Nigeria has a population of one hundred and sixty million people” and when she would be wondering why I would be telling her or reminding her whatever the case may be, I wouldn't skip a beat but go ahead to tell her that: “Imo state has a population of five million, and Owerri, its capital has a population of over a million”. At that point, I knew she was going to be transfixed, maybe wondering if I was okay but still wondering what else I was going to say. Then, I was going to surprise her by saying that :“…Some report has it that there are over a thousand Keke Napep's in Owerri since the advent of the “No Okada” policy” and while she would be ruminating on it, I wasn't going to bother about the Keke Napep guy listening in on my introduction and wanting to add anything or counter me. By this time, I was sure I would have caught all of her attention as she would want to know the point I was trying to make.
With a big smile on, my brightest, I was going to tell her that: “Now that just the two of us are riding together in this Keke Napep, we were riding with - I tried to multiply the number of Keke Napep's I had said existed by four people each but the maths felt complex, so I quickly pushed the thought away before it caught up with me - a whole lot of people, and the chances of us ever meeting again in Owerri or better still, just the two of us riding together in any Keke Napep was one in a three-quarters of five million chances, and I wouldn't want to passup this chance; so let me introduce myself. I'm KC!” I was smiling to myself already, I knew it was going to work, all I had to do was say “Hi”. I sat straight, looking forward because I couldn't afford to look at her and in my least shaky voice, I managed to say “Hi” and she said “Hello”. My smile then was the broadest ever. I tried not to tear up as I turned to look at her and tell her “Statistics” but she was holding her phone to her ear and was repeatedly saying “Hello, hello, I can't hear you”. At that point, my heart beat was superfast. She was talking to someone, it had to be another idiot, another useless peron that didn't know the right time to call, but I knew all hope wasn't lost, all I had to do was wait for her to be through with her call. I was going to wait for her to say “Bye-bye” or “Take care” or “Later” or “Alright bye”. I was listening in on her conversation, I didn't understand it, but I listened all the same and started sensing when she was rounding up. Just as she said bye and I was saying hi - about to say hi - she said “I would stop here”. Those were the worst four words ever. I watched her pay the Keke Napep guy and leave with her umbrella and all I could say was “Hi”. The Keke Napep guy turned to me and asked me “What?” I can't repeat what I told him, but I walked under the rain the rest of the way. Thank God, Control wasn't far off. 20 | A Bellyful of Words Vol. II
What is a poem without rhymes? Granted, good poems need not rhyme. But then, what is a poem with abstract lines? Probably a tool to befuddle non poetic minds Then again, what is a poem with very few lines? If not the trial of a 'not-a-poet' at poetry. 21 | A Bellyful of Words Vol. II SM Posts #3 Did you hear about the 7 year old who was praying for his ***** 88 years old grandfather? Hollywood is growing on us and I am not The boy prayed for long life and prosperity. even talking about ta oos. 'If only I was Hugh Hefner' the grandfather cut in. I was in a bus the other day where the ***** Rogue: All poli cians are terrible. They all preach money conductor was exchanging words with some and prac ce corrup on. chic when ou a the blues this Igbo dude Poli cian: Not all poli cians are like that. I am not like that. looks at the conductor and says: 'Nigga'm Rogue: Of course you would say so. So what do you preach biko chill' and believe in? And some Yoruba woman gasped and said: Poli cian: I preach peace and I believe in reconcilia on. 'Hoe My God! He used the Hen Word' Rogue: How do you mean? Give me an example. It was poking fathe c I tell you. Poli cian: Take the gun off my head then we can come to an agreement. You see; 'Peace and Reconcilia on' ***** ***** I walked past this girl who had 'I Love Pom' wri en on her Last week as I sat at work and thought about shirt. how hard life was. Somehow, I don't know It took me a while to figure out that the 'M' wasn't an 'RN' how, I came to the conclusion that the world so I have concluded that she is a decent girl. would be a be er place if all young women However, I don't think she felt the same way about me. She went about shirtless. probably felt I was staring at her ts. I lost my job last week too. The reasons they ***** She said she needed a man that was daring so I walk up to gave then were: Daydreaming at work, not a police sta on and started peeing on their wall. turning in work on me and sexually She asked me if I was crazy and I told her I needed a harassing women with my stares. woman who could help me out when I am in trouble. This world is s ll a terrible place… Now she is an 'Ex' ***** ***** Have you experienced that crazy moment Me: Is she your twin sister? when you are with a friend, ea ng something She: Yes! very spicy and gis ng and cracking jokes and Me: Are you serious? laughing all crazy and then some food goes She: Yes, very serious. the wrong way and he/she is choking and Me: Nawa o! Why you come ugly na? you think he/she is laughing and you are That's how the fight started laughing and pounding the table enjoying yourself? 22 | A Bellyful of Words Vol. II My Dear Old Bachelor
Dear Dr. Belly,
I am a young man of 42 years. I own a mul na onal company, I am healthy, I am secured- in short I have nearly all that I want.
My only problem is that I am not yet married.
As it stands, no weekend goes by without me witnessing the wedding of a friend, rela ve or an acquaintance. I get so many invites from my colleagues, partners and workers and it hurts because I am finding it hard to get the right person for myself.
To crown it all, my mother isn't making things any easy for me and the pressure she is moun ng on me is weighing me down.
It's not that I do not want to get married but I want to marry the right person. I have made a resolu on to get married this year. Please, how do I find my missing rib before I do something I would regret for life? Yours sincerely, Old Bachelor
My Dear Old Bachelor,
I read your le er twice and I have been pondering on how best to help you locate your missing rib.
So far I have come up with different ideas and I am pre y sure that they would help you not to do anything irra onal and of course, keep your resolu on.
Talking about ra onal, first thing I would like you to do is to take a seat if you are reading this le er standing, then get a piece of paper. Or you can get the paper first.
Now, I want you to deeply; try to recall all the people you have met or have in one way or the other come in contact with throughout your life and then write down all the names of the people you suspect might have stolen your missing rib. Quiz yourself as you draw the list because it is crucial. 23 | A Bellyful of Words Vol. II
Once this is done, I want you to file an official police report as regards your missing rib. You would be amazed about the kind of things that turn up missing in police sta ons, but make sure you have a proof of ownership to verify that the rib when found, is actually yours. Next, it would be nice if you can print hand bills and place them at strategic loca ons all over the countries you operate. It would be best to even create billboards and off course, a ach a reward for the finder(s). You can go on na onal TV if you wouldn't mind the cameras; I hear it works in searching for missing things. Now while doing all these, don't forget to check your closet and under the bed and your dirty clothes bin because weird things turn up there too. If none of these things work, you might need to consult a seer or any young voodoo instructor so that whosoever has your missing rib wouldn't rest ll it is returned in five folds. I don't usually suggest these but as a man, I know it wouldn't be comfortable missing a rib. I believe that if you do all these, you would definitely find your missing rib. Lastly I would advise you to insure your other ribs so you don't get to go through all these again. Regards Dr. Belly 24 | A Bellyful of Words Vol. II THAT AWKWARD MOMENT WHEN… Have you had any experience where the views you normally hold suddenly goes down the drain? I mean, a situation where you see yourself believing or doing that which you have repeatedly told yourself you wouldn't believe or do. It isn't a pretty experience. It is a very awkward moment. Lemme give you the gist. I respect women a lot. I even believe that they are more intelligent than men, but as much as I believe that, I have come to the conclusion that when it comes to the matter of the heart and body, that is, man- woman relationship, most women tend to act in a way that betrays their 'wisdom'. Last week, my girlfriend came around. She had us watching some Nollywood flick. I normally wouldn't do this but when one has been in a relationship for a long time and the woman just seems to be the 'one', there are a lot of things we would do for 'love'. In the flick we were seeing, there was this pretty chic, I think she is popular. She got involved with some dude like that, a very broke-ass son of a woman. What this popular actress did was to change the dude's world. She got him a nice job, a car for his birthday and even went as far as making a down payment for a house. With all these, one would expect that she would be the bossy type, maybe make her man wash her panties, not as if there is anything wrong with that, but you get the drift. Well, she wasn't. She cooked for him, doted on him; she was even faithful to him and all that. It only felt right that they should get married and they did. It was a beautiful wedding. They showed the whole thing, you would think the movie was just about the wedding. You all know how some Nollywood directors would be trying to waste time on tape so that they could use up 1 hour, 30 minutes then have a reasonable excuse to make a part two. Well, the couple really had it going well for themselves. It felt like they were living in their own heaven made on earth. Nothing was supposed to have gone wrong but the dude did go wrong. He got involved with his secretary and was foolish enough to invite her home. As the director would have it, the good wife walked in and caught him red handed; in the very act of going-down-low. The part that annoyed me was his response: 25 | A Bellyful of Words Vol. II
'Oh My God…I can explain…It is not what you think' Those are three popular stupid sentences which do not make any sense to me. I was angry with the whole script. I didn't see any reason why they had to add that part, but then it was just a movie, a cool one at that. Heck! There wasn't anything he could explain and 'It was what it was'. To worsen it all, he blasphemed and called God's name in vain, if you are the type that is moved by such things. To blow off any chances of us having to watch any Nollywood movie again, together, I brought up an argument about how terrible the flick was and trust babes, my girlfriend I mean, she was quick to say that it was what made the movie interesting; however, she agreed that she wouldn't listen to the man if she were the woman. Well, all that was last week. So, yesterday, I went to my girlfriend's house. Her peeps are cool like that. They probably think we just kneel down and pray when we are together or whatever but that doesn't matter. They know I am a good boy, they never fail to tell me, they know I am a good influence on their girl, they never fail to remind and I know that I should feel good but deep down it is somewhat scary. The only thing they ain't doing is calling me 'In-law' yet. My girl has got just one sibling, a brother who is a playful dude between 7 to 8 years. There is one helluva big age gap between two of them. So it is just the two of them, her peeps and the house maid. I have never really understood why they needed a house maid, but they had one. Sorry for drifting. So, I went visiting. I should have called earlier but the service on my phone was terrible. When I got there, the gate-man let me in. The front door was unlocked and my young friend was playing superman with his toys in the living room. He said everyone had gone out and I was finding it awkward. I had concluded that it was the maid's duty to keep an eye on him. I sat down, watched TV a little bit, started a chat with him, felt bored within six minutes of sitting down and so when out of the blue he asked me if I wanted to play hide and seek, I didn't think twice. I agreed. He started out first. I closed my eyes counted to twenty, after which I fooled around, pretending that I wasn't seeing him and then I acted startled when I found him crouching behind my seat. Then it was my turn and foolishly, I was enjoying it. I should have hidden behind a curtain in the living room or behind a door or something, but I was enjoying myself. I made sure he closed his eyes and counted aloud. I had been in all the rooms in the house except the master bedroom and for a second or two I thought about going into the master bedroom to hide. When my young friend was shouting '15, 16' or thereabouts, I screamed at him to make sure he had his eyes closed then I jumped into my girl's room. There were a hundred and one places I could have hidden but I decided to hide her mammoth-sized wardrobe. When I say mammoth, I am not exaggerating in anyway. It was filled with so many clothes, bags, shoes and all what not and it was as dark as hell when I pulled it close. I listened as my young friend started his search, I heard him call my name and I couldn't help giggling. He even came into the room and I could see him through the crack where the wardrobe doors met but all he did was circle around the room then leave. It was funny and also fun. 26 | A Bellyful of Words Vol. II I think had stayed there all of five minutes when I noticed some movement from underneath the bed. I looked closely through the crack and what I saw was the maid, crawling out from under the bed; butt naked and all. She grabbed some clothes and ran out of the room. I later heard the bathroom door adjacent to the room close with a bang. It was really awkward. I knew the maid slept in the same room as my girl but I have never heard anything about her sleeping naked underneath the bed. I made a mental note to tell my girl about it. I was about coming out then when I heard my young friend walk into the room again, so I put on my game face and tried to peek at him to see where he would search this time, but this time he came in with my girl and my grin grew wider. He was asking for help. I wanted to see how both of them would find me. As quickly as the excitement I had grew, so did the shock I got when their mum; my girls mum walked in, asking what was wrong. The terrible thing was that I was about to jump out and shout TADA! Scare or surprise my girl and her brother, but their mum's presence changed things. There was no way I could explain hiding in the wardrobe, in the girl's room for that matter. I was so confused, I couldn't think and the longer I stayed inside the wardrobe, the more complex I knew I was making things look. Believe me, if praying could have helped at that time, I could have prayed and just as if God was hearing my thoughts, the mum asked my young friend if he was sure that I was around as he claimed as she turned to leave the room and I was about to shed tears of joy when the unexpected happened. My girl asked her mum for her phone. She said the service on hers was down.I thought she wanted to try to call my number, so I had to put it on vibration. I tried to pull it out of my tight jeans, but it wouldn't budge and I couldn't twist much lest I make too much noise. You know, when a man is unlucky, even the smallest element like skin-tight-penciled jeans would try to spoil a man's shine. In between struggling to get my phone out and not getting caught, I heard the four words which ought to have brought me relief: “CALL YOUR DAD FIRST” Maybe they had already discussed about calling him, I didn't know then, I don't still know now, but she did and just before her dad's phone rang, I heard someone; him, say 'JESUS CHRIST' not too far from me. Her dad's phone rang in the wardrobe. I was confused, I thought it was mine, I struggled to get mine out again and mistakenly played the porn clip I had downloaded to explain to my girl what a transsexual woman looked like - I swear, it was just to explain to her. We sometimes argue about irrelevant things - and the clip was very loud; very, very loud. Lots of Oohs and Aahs and the Oohyes and the likes. My girl's mum opened the wardrobe and I came out. So did her naked husband, with his phone still ringing in the hands he was managing to use to cover himself and my young friend was like 'Yaay! Uncle, I have seen you. It is my turn to hide' This is exactly what one should describe as an awkward moment and not those Facebook statuses definitions of awkward moments and to top it off, just as if we had rehearsed and planed it, we went on to say: 'Oh My God…I can explain…It is not what you think' We said it repeatedly. Damn! 27 | A Bellyful of Words Vol. II WHEN I WAS 9: SEX As much as I try not to regret it, I sometimes, vil was spelt out, she asked where she sometimes, regret missing the innocence I had as a nine heard the word from and my kid sister year old. Innocence which can't be bought or ever narrated the story of how a gotten back, ever! friend/classmate related a story she had When I was nine, I never bothered about why we had heard and wondered what abortion to castrate our dogs or our goats - my house used to be meant. a small animal farm back then, still is - it just felt as if Sometimes, I ask myself, why was I so it was the right thing to do. I remember even asking innocent? Believe me I was. Then again I pops one day why we didn't castrate our cocks too, as wonder, how is it that kids, even nine year in cockerels' o! Can't remember the reply he gave to olds of today know a lot about sex and I me, but I remember that he laughed. have come to the conclusion that it's At nine, sex was something very taboo-ish to talk somehow - not even somehow - generally about…heck what am I even saying? At nine, I never and easily be linked to 'screens”. I am spoke about sex; I didn't even know what sex was. talking about TV screens, Mobile phone When we saw dogs in the street going at it, we would screens, computer screens, name it. rush and drive nails into the ground owing to some sort I wouldn't lie by saying that I was the type of believe that as long as the nails remained in the of kid that loved watching “speak-out” - ground, the dogs would remain stuck and somehow it the old and nearly forgotten debate worked, no matter how hard they tried to break apart program or any of such dorky ish - but at and never in my nine year old mind did I know that it least unlike kids nowadays, even nine year was the way they rolled. olds, I wouldn't find myself fully There are so many ques ons I never knew to ask my parents engrossed in a movie, be it a foreign flick or at least my mum when I was nine. I didn't ask her where or a Nigerian one except there were lots of babies came from or why our neigbour's tummy was big or shooting or it was a cartoon, but then why my 'shame' - that was what I was brought up to call my again, recently again; I was flipping privies - was different from Kemi's own or why Obinna had through the channels on TV when my beards on his – I called hair growing on the body except the neigbour's daughter told me to hold on head; beards, actually I called them bia-bia. Those ques ons then go back, and when I did, she was just didn't form in my mind. I didn't even hear friends or like: “Ah! I have watched that film, it's classmates talk about it thus arousing some sort of curiosity, interesting” and was going to give me the so this in itself came as a surprise when one day, recently, full gist if I hadn't told her not to worry, when my kid sister asked my mum in a very innocent that I'd rather watch it myself. way, what abortion was. It was some Nigerian flick and I wouldn't have I stopped dead in my tracks wondering what could minded watching it, but seeing lots of skimpily have brought the topic and when my mum answered dressed girls and then ge ng to the part where her explaining as nicely as she could, giving as little a couple wanted to indulge in details as possible but making sure that the e 28 | A Bellyful of Words Vol. II some heavy petting as I believe Nollywood has school, two boys who they claimed were caught thankfully not yet advanced to full frontal sex - or am watching “Blue film” in one of the boy's house as it I wrong? - I made to change the channel, but what did was close to the school and beat them silly. All for I hear next? “Wait! The man that the yeye woman is watching a boring movie that I felt only showed a kissing is her boyfriend o! Her husband would soon blue screen the whole time. come and catch them.” Now, when I look back to when I was nine, I When I was nine, I didn't even know how to put on the TV realize I was very naïve. I begin to wonder when I not to talk of flipping through channels and then knowing lost my innocence. I know it's somewhat different who was kissing who. I was so innocent; I didn't even now with nine year olds as it was with my pops know what they call “Blue-film” otherwise called porn. So when he was nine and the way it would be with my it amazed me when one day, in primary school, when the kid when he/she would be nine, and all in all, all I headmaster and other teachers brought before the whole can say is that I miss when my mind was a virgin. 29 | A Bellyful of Words Vol. II Message from our Partners
This year… Coming to your screens soon Lotus Animations
Presents The Three Idiots
An Animated Comedy Series 30 | A Bellyful of Words Vol. II SM Posts #4 Posi ve thinking is when your gear s ck doesn't ***** enter reverse. Talk about 'Forward Ever, Backward If you reason am ehn you go see say pidgin be Never' as e get. ***** For example, you want to ask a friend abt an Be nice to that tree outside, you would die and leave injury he had on his leg and he wants to tell you it behind that it is healing. ***** This is how we say it in pidgin: What did the ninja say to the cowboy a er their 'How that your leg?' fight? 'E don dey go small small' "All my years of training, I wasn't taught the gun Person wey no hear pidgin go wonder which leg slinging style?" and where e dey go. ***** ***** For the ladies. I can hardly stay angry at some Igbo people. Once I start ge ng angry and the person says 'Does size really ma er…?' 'Sohlee' I burst out into laughter. ***** This is one ques on that many guys worry about. I find it really amusing when I hear people, in Not knowing whether it ma ers or knowing how to ask a lady the size that suits her. reply to a ques on or while making a How does one even tell which is a medium size? statement say: 'I do not know what to say ...' and then goes ahead to explain what he/she So, I want to ask again. has in mind. ***** 'Does size really ma er You think Ebola is a joke? You would know how When it comes to buying a ring for a lady?' serious it is when your neighbour knocks, no ***** bangs on your door with both fists around 3am Love is a terrible thing. It makes you fall. to ask for salt, then she licks a teaspoonful. 31 | A Bellyful of Words Vol. II
When Trees Danced I once read a book that said; “Once, trees could sing and dance…”
Thomas said the book was the wishful thinking of a dunce
So I walked up to a tree
And asked if it could dance for me
It looked upon my expectant face
And shook its nearly naked branches in my face 32 | A Bellyful of Words Vol. II ALL THAT I MISS DOING Mehn! I miss it all. Oga dropping off his worker and expecting her This is 2015 already and I can count the number of to invite him in, then it would go to the scene of a times I wrote anything serious in 2014 on one hand. runs girl telling her man the koko with the man smiling sheepishly and then again it would go to the scene of a father or an uncle dropping off his Kai! What is happening to me? I am lost, missing out but still, I find time to ask questions. daughter or niece, but I don't think my mind has ever accepted that scene. What happened to the 'I would start a new category and post something once a week on my Kai! I miss stopping in the middle of running blog'? small errands to watching a male Ewu pursuing Sha! I don't think I made that promise to myself or a female Mmeeh! You see, the male goat is an to you. Ntor! Ewu and the female is an Mmeeh! Only an Ewu But still I miss blogging. I miss Blogaria. would go about smelling the ass of a goat and There are so many things I miss walahi. only an Mmeeh! would go around bleating and running up and down when an Ewu is smelling a I miss those long showers where I would be talking goat's ass. Simple Logic. to myself in different voices as I create stories whilst laughing at how stupid I sound, just before I I miss the conversations I think animals have start wondering why some people sing only in the when I see them. Like when we got home some shower or why some people can't shower without Sundays' ago and found out that the big chicken singing. There has to be a connection between the we had been fattening had been killed and eaten water hitting the body, either from the shower by our dogs not because they were hungry but stick, stand or from your 'make-do' shower can and because they thought it was fun and they were the need to sing. trying to connect with their wild side. I miss those conversations mehn! Like when Kachman had to beat the dogs silly. Homeboy must have forgotten that they were dogs. I think I imagined him saying: “Get up, fight like a man. Next time, pick a cock your size” Lol! I wonder how the dogs would have responded if they could talk. I miss those imaginations mehn! I also miss those nights I stay up late and some mumu idea for a post wouldn't let me sleep and I would toss I miss going for long walks and crea ng characters for and toss and toss on the bed or on the floor, only for me to get up, put on my pc, open the word processor the people I see. Like when I see a jeep parked in one then remember that I wanted to check something in a quiet area and I walk past and I see a man and a babe, movie, then watch movies all through the night and not write a thing. Kai! Those nights were the shii… my mind would start playing the scene of an 33 | A Bellyful of Words Vol. II
Ehen! Talking about smiling, I miss my smile jaree. One time, the flashbulb of a camera blew because my smile was too bright. My smile is cool, am I correct or yes? I miss writing about my praises joor!
I miss Weezy F. Baby. Kai! I dunno why I used to like him. I hardly heard what he said or understood him but I liked him and I enjoy how he twisted my mind with the things he said which I never did understand, but I miss how he gingered me to write.
I miss those times when I spend hours on my pc working on a story, writing and cancelling and
Nna mehn! I miss those times when I would read editing and writing some more and then coming a blog post and I would be like 'What the hell? down with severe back aches that would cause Like seriously? Like shii? Like…' And I would me to sleep on the floor so as to straighten my swear that I wouldn't write again and then I back and then wish the pain would just go but I wouldn't truly write and then I wouldn't wouldn't cry, at least not physically because I remember what blew my mind away and I would know I would do it all over again. start to write again and I would wonder what got to me in the first place. I miss those twists mehn! I miss wondering why people especially writers I miss those times when I would see a fine girl abi should I just call them bloggers use words like and I would be thinking of the coolest line to say 'muse' and 'rant'. What's amusing about a muse? to her so that I would get into a cool conversation I also think that only mad people rant and I am with her so that I would be able to write about a not fortunate enough. girl I met whom I had a good conversation with. Kai! Pesin mumu wella before o! Well, I just miss writing and the fun it holds. The Talking about mumu, I miss those times when I pleasure, the sense of accomplishment, the sense plan to write mumu posts for my blog like the of having the power to be creative. difference between mumu and stupid and in my I really miss it all. mind I would go on and on arguing for and against which one is better before I would realise Since, I am talking about the things I miss, I should just that only a stupid mumu would have to think of tell you that I miss those classic ways my other mind such or want to write such, then I would smile tells me I employ to end my posts so I wouldn't be slyly to myself and people would think I was applying any classic finish to this post. I would just end smiling at them. the post as abruptly as possible because I thi… 34 | A Bellyful of Words Vol. II
W a t c h O u t VOLuME III COMInG sOOn 35 | A Bellyful of Words Vol. II CREDITS
Do you ever get the feeling that a simple thank you would never do? That you have to
acknowledge everyone and add a personal touch to the 'thank-you', you are saying to
everyone?Well, I don't.He he! So I would just go on ahead and lay it out. Thank you Jesus; for being steadfast, faithful and all that you are Allure Graphix; for the design Mamina & Pops; for everything big and small Kachman & Dinma; for being yourselves Emy, Mimi, & Omoh; for the love, the talk and the friendship Forcados, Stechy, Kemmy, Anani & Faith; for being true friends Nural'din, Spiky, Odafe & Lekan; for teaching me how to jonze Facebook and Wordpress; for the platform you created 'Me'; for being 'Myself' when 'I' needed to be and for every other thing. Photos: Okayafrica.com;Csdiinternational.org;Dailypost.ng;Thehindu.com;Baggagereclaim.c o.uk;Drtechniko.com;Mirrorme.com;Wittyworriedandwold.wordpress.com;Nineringcirc us.com;Daviddjrodger.wordpress.com;Pininterest.com;Oboi.kards.qip.ru;Kids.nobleann droyal.com;Pixgood.com;Fineartamerica.com;Funnyjunk.com;Almightydad.com;rom ancemeetslife.com;abujade.wordpress.com