A $ Nonsense Antholoy ~' E must be a fool indeed who cannot at H times play the fool; and be who doer not 4.1. enjoy nonsense must be lacking in sense. WILLIAM J. ROLFE. L 1

Collected y 1~lt T. Carol n Wells

New York Charles Scribner's Sons 190 .3 COPYRIGHT, 1902, HY CHARLES SCRIBNER'S SONS

PUBLISHED, OCTOBER, 1902

CONTENTS PAGE INTRODUCTION xv JABBERWOCKY Lewis Carroll . 3 MORS IABROCHII . . . Anonymous 4 THE NYUM-NYUM Anonymous 6 UFFIA Harriet R. White 10 SPIRK TROLL-DERISIVE . James Whitcomb Riley . 10 THE WHANGO TREE 1840 12 SING FOR THE GARISH EYE ...... W. S. Gilbert 13 THE CRUISE OF THE "P. C." . . . . Anonymous 13 To MARIE . . . . . Anonymous . . . . 14 LUNAR STANZAS . . . Henry Coggswell Knight 15 NONSENSE . Anonymous, 1617 16 SONNET FOUND IN A DE- SERTED MADHOUSE . Anonymous 18 THE OCEAN WANDERER . Anonymous 18 SHE'S ALL MY FANCY PAINTED HIM . Lewis Carroll . 20 MY RECOLLECTEST THOUGHTS . . . . Charles E. Carryl . 21 FATHER WILLIAM Anonymous 22 IN THE GLOAMING . . James C. Bayles . 23 BALLAD OF BEDLAM . Punch 24 'T Is SWEET To ROAM . Anonymous 25 HYMN TO THE SUNRISE . Anonymous 25 THE MOON IS UP . . . Anonymous 26 vii

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PAGE PAGE 'T IS MIDNIGHT . . Anonymous 26 SUPERIOR NONSENSE UPRISING SEE THE FITFUL VERSES Anonymous 47 LARK . . Anonymous 27 WHEN MOONLIKE ORE LIKE THE Thackeray TO THUNDER- THE HAZURE SEAS W. M. " 49 ING TONE OF Bishop Corbet 27 LINES BY A PERSON MY DREAM Anonymous 28 QUALITY Alexander Pope 50 MY HOME Anonymous 51 Anonymous 29 FRANGIPANNI . IN IMMEMORIAM LOVER Anonymous 53 Cuthbert Bede 29 LINES BY A FOND THE HIGHER PANTHEISM FORCING A WAY . . Anonymous 54 IN A NUTSHELL . . Anonymous 55 A . C. Swinburne . 30 THY HEART DARWINITY " LU- Herman Merivale 3 1 A LOVE-SONG BY A SONG OF THE SCREW . . Anonymous Anonymous 33 NATIC . 55 MOORLANDS OF THE NOT Anonymous 36 THE PARTERRE E. H . Palmer . 56 Planché METAPHYSICS Oliver Herford 36 TO MOLLIDUSTA 57 ABSTROSOPHY . C. Swinburne 57 Gelett Burgess 37 JOHN JONES A. ABSTEMIA Gelett Burgess 38 THE OWL AND THE PUSSY- PSYCHOLOPHON Edward Lear . " 59 Gelett Burgess 39 CAT TIMON OF ARCHIMEDES Charles Battell Loomis 39 A BALLADE OF THE NUR- ALONE . . John Twig 6o Anonymous 40 SERIE LINES BY A MEDIUM EN- Anonymous . . . , 4 1 A BALLAD OF HIGH TRANSCENDENTALISM . Anonymous 62 From the Times of India 4 1 DEAVOR . INDIFFERENCE Anonymous 42 THE LUGUBRIOUS WHING- QUATRAIN . James Whitcomb Riley 63 Anonymous 43 WHANG COSSIMBAZAR Barry Pain . 64 Henry S. Leigh 43 OH! WEARY MOTHER THE PERSONIFIED SENTI- SWISS AIR Bret Harte . 64 MENTAL . . Owen Seaman 65 Bret Harte . . . " 44 THE BULBUL A CLASSIC ODE Anonymous 65 Charles Battell Loomis 45 BALLAD . WHERE AVALANCHES OH, MY GERALDINE F. C. Burnand 66 WAIL , Anonymous " 45 BUZ, QUOTH THE BLUE BLUE 66 MOONSHINE . Francis G. Stokes 46 FLY Ben Jonson . NONSENSE Thomas Moore 47 A SONG ON KING WIL- viii LIAM III Anonymous 67 IX

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PAGE PAGE THERE WAS A MONKEY 112 Anonymous, 1626 67 GENERAL JOHN W. S. Gilbert THE GUINEA PIG . . Anonymous W. M. Thackeray 68 LITTLE BILLEE THREE CHILDREN . . London, 1 66z 69 THE WRECK OF THE IF Anonymous . . . 70 JULIE PLANTE " William H. Drummond 116 A RIDDLE Anonymous . 118 70 THE SHIPWRECK E. H. Palmer THREE JOVIAL HUNTSMEN Anonymous . . . 120 70 A SAILORS YARN J. J. Roche THREE ACRES OF LAND Anonymous 71 THE WALLOPING WIN- MASTER AND MAN . 123 Anonymous 72 DOW-BLIND . . Charles E. Carryl HYDER IDDLE Anonymous 73 THE ROLLICKING MASTO- KING ARTHUR , Anonymous . . . 73 DON Arthur Macy . 125 IN THE DUMPS . Anonymous . . . 74 THE SILVER QUESTION Oliver Herford 127 TWEEDLE-DUM AND TWEE- THE SINGULAR SANGFROID DLE-DEE Anonymous . . . 74 OF BABY BUNTING Guy Wetmore Carryl MARTIN TO HIS MAN . . From Deuteromelia 74 FAITHLESS NELLY GRAY . Thomas Hood THE YONGHY-BONGHY-BO Edward Lear . . 76 THE ELDERLY GENTLE- THE POBBLE WHO HAS NO MAN . . George Canning . 134 TOES . . . Edward Lear . 81 MALUM OPUS James Appleton Morgan 135 THE JUMBLIES . AESTIVATION Edward Lear . 83 O. W. Holmes 136 INCIDENTS IN THE LIFE OF A HOLIDAY TASK Gilbert Abbott a Becket 137 MY UNCLE ABLY . . Edward Lear . 86 PUER EX JERSEY Anonymous 138 LINES TO A YOUNG LADY Edward Lear . 88 THE LITTLE PEACH Anonymous 138 WAYS AND MEANS . Lewis Carroll . go MONSIEUR MCGINTE Anonymous 139 THE WALRUS AND THE CAR- YE LAYE OF YE WOOD- PENTER Lewis Carroll . 93 PECKORE . Henry A. Beers 1 39 THE HUNTING OF THE COLLUSION BETWEEN A SNARK Lewis Carroll . 97 ALEGAITER AND A SYLVIE AND BRUNO Lewis Carroll . 1O1 WATER-SNAIK J. W. Morris 143 GENTLE ALICE BROWN W. S. Gilbert 102 ODD TO A KROKIS Anonymous 146 THE STORY OF PRINCE AGIB W. S. Gilbert 107 SOME VERSES TO SNAIX Anonymous 147 FERDINANDO AND ELVIRA, OR A GREAT MAN Oliver Goldsmith . 148 THE GENTLE PIEMAN . W. S. Gilbert AN ELEGY . Oliver Goldsmith . 149 [x [ xi ]

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PAGE PAGE PARSON GRAY . . Oliver Goldsmith . . . 150 Oliver Herford THE HEN . . 197 AN ELEGY ON THE DEATH THE COW Oliver Herford 198 OF A MAD DOG Oliver Goldsmith . . . 151 THE CHIMPANZEE . Oliver Herford 199 THE WONDERFUL OLD THE HIPPOPOTAMUS Oliver Herford 1 99 MAN Anonymous 1 51 THE PLATYPUS Oliver Herford 1 99 A CHRONICLE Anonymous 155 SOME GEESE Oliver Herford 200 ON THE OXFORD CARRIER John Milton 157 THE FLAMINGO Lewis Gaylord Clark 201 NEPHELIDIA . A. C. Swinburne 158 KINDNESS TO ANIMALS J. Ashby-Sterry 203 MARTIN LUTHER AT SAGE COUNSEL A. T. Quiller-Couch 204 POTSDAM Barry Pain 16o OF BAITING THE LION Owen Seaman 205 COMPANIONS . C. S. Calverley 163 THE FROG Hilaire Belloc 207 THE COCK AND THE BULL C. S. Calverley 165 THE YAK Hilaire Belloc 207 LOVERS AND A REFLEC- THE PYTHON Hilaire Belloc 208 TION C. S. Calverley 170 THE BISON . Hilaire Belloc 209 AN IMITATION OF WORD8- THE PANTHER Anonymous 209 WORTH Catharine M. Fanshawe . 1 73 THE MONKEY'S GLUE Goldwin Goldsmith . 210 THE FAMOUS BALLAD OF THERE WAS A FROG Christ Church MS . 211 THE JUBILEE CUP Arthur T. Quiller-Couch 1 75 THE BLOATED BIGGABOON H. Cholmondeley-Pennell 211 A SONG OF IMPOSSIBILI- WILD FLOWERS Peter Newell 212 TIES W. M. Praed 183 TIMID HORTENSE . Peter Newell 212 TRUST IN WOMEN Anonymous 186 HER POLKA DOTS . Peter Newell . 212 HERE IS THE TALE Anthony C. Deane x88 HER DAIRY Peter Newell 213 THE AULD WIFE . C. S. Calverley 192 TURVEY TOP Anonymous 213 NOT I R. L. Stevenson 194 WHAT THE PRINCE OF I MINNIE AND WINNIE Lord Tennyson 194 DREAMT . . H. Cholmondeley-Pennell 215 THE MAYOR OF SCUTTLE- THE DINKEY-BIRD Eugene Field . 218 TON Mary Mapes Dodge . 1 95 THE MAN IN THE MOON James Whitcomb Riley . 220 THE PURPLE COW Gelett Burgess 196 THE STORY OF THE WILD THE INVISIBLE BRIDGE Gelett Burgess 196 HUNTSMAN Dr. Heinrich Hoffman 222 THE LAZY ROOF Gelett Burgess 197 THE STORY OF PYRAMID MY FEET . Gelett Burgess 1 97 THOTHMES . . Anonymous 224 [ xii ] [ xiii ]

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PAGE PAGE Anonymous 252 THE STORY OF CRUEL THE SEA GIRL H. W. Longfellow PSAMTEK Anonymous 225 THERE WAS A LITTLE 253 . Newton Mackintosh . THE CUMBERBUNCE Paul West . 226 FIN DE SIECLE 253 . Anonymous THE AHKOND OF SWAT Edward Lear 230 MARY JANE 253 TENDER-HEARTEDNESS Col. D. Streamer . 253 A THRENODY . George Thomas Lanigan 233 SAMUEL . D. Streamer . DIRGE OF THE MOOLLA IMPETUOUS Col 254 MISFORTUNES NEVER OF KOTAL George Thomas Lanigan 235 SINGLY . D. Streamer . 254 RUSSIAN AND TURK Anonymous 238 COME Col ELIZA Col. D. Streamer . 254 LINES TO MISS FLORENCE AUNT SUSAN Anonymou s 254 HUNTINGDON Anonymous 239 AND MARY Anonymous COBBE'S PROPHECIES . 1614 241 BABY 255 SUNBEAM . Anonymous AN UNSUSPECTED FACT . Edward Cannon 242 THE 255 WILLIE Anonymous THE SORROWS OF WER- LITTLE 255 AMES Anonymous 256 THER . W. M. Thackeray 242 MARY MUDDLED METAPHORS . Tom Hood, Jr. 256 NONSENSE VERSES . . Charles Lamb . 243 VILLON'S STRAIGHT TIP THE NOBLE TUCK-MAN . Jean Ingelow . 244 TO ALL CROSS COVES . W. E. Henley 257 THE PESSIMIST Ben King . 245 THE HUMAN THE MODERN HIAWATHA Anonymous 246 ODE TO HEART Laman Blanchard 258 ON THE ROAD . Tudor Jenks 247 LIMERICKS Edward Lear 26o UNCLE SIMON AND UNCLE Anonymous 262 JIM Artemus Ward 247 Cosmo Monkhouse 263 POOR DEAR GRANDPAPA D' Arcy W. Thompson . 247 Planché Walter Parke . 264 THE SEA-SERPENT 248 George du Maurier 265 MELANCHOLIA . . Anonymous 248 Robert J. Burdette 266 THE MONKEY'S WEDDING Anonymous 248 Gelett Burgess 266 MR . FINNEY'S TURNIP Anonymous 250 Bruce Porter . z67 THE SUN . J. Davis 251 Newton Mackintosh . 267 THE AUTUMN LEAVES Anonymous . . 251 Anonymous 267 IN THE NIGHT . . Anonymous 251 Anonymous 268 POOR BROTHER Anonymous 251 Anonymous 268 THE BOY Eugene Field . 252 XiV [ XV

INTRODUCTION

ON a topographical map of Literature Non- sense would be represented by a small and sparsely settled country, neglected by the average tourist, but affording keen delight to the few enlightened travellers who sojourn within its borders . It is a field which has been neglected by anthologists and essayists ; one of its few seri- ous recognitions being in a certain " Treatise of Figurative Language," which says : " Nonsense ; shall we dignify that with a place on our list? Assuredly will vote for doing so every one who hath at all duly noticed what admirable and wise uses it can be, and often is, put to, though never before in rhetoric has it been so highly honored. How deeply does clever or quaint nonsense abide in the memory, and for how many a decade - from earliest youth to age's most venerable years." And yet Hazlitt's " Studies in Jocular Litera- ture " mentions six divisions of the jest, and omits Nonsense ! Perhaps, partly because of such neglect, the work of the best nonsense writers is less widely known than it might be.

A Nonsense Anthology Introduction

But a more probable reason is that the majority Derby ; and John Ruskin placed Lear's name at of the reading world does not appreciate or enjoy the head of his list of the best hundred authors. real nonsense, and this, again, is consequent upon " Don't tell me," said William Pitt, "of a man's their inability to discriminate between nonsense of being able to talk sense ; every one can talk sense. integral merit and simple chaff. Can he talk nonsense ? " Ajest's prosperity lies in the ear The sense of nonsense enables us not only to Of him that hears it. Never in the tongue discern pure nonsense, but to consider intelligently Of him that makes it, nonsense of various degrees of purity. Absence and a sense of nonsense is as distinct a part of of sense is not necessarily nonsense, any more than our mentality as a sense of humor, being by no absence of justice is injustice. means identical therewith . Etymologically speaking, nonsense may be either It is a fad at present for a man to relate a non- words without meaning, or words conveying absurd sensical story, and then, if his hearer does not or ridiculous ideas. It is the second definition laugh, say gravely : " You have no sense of humor. which expresses the great mass of nonsense litera- That is a test story, and only a true humorist ture, but there is a small proportion of written laughs at it." Now, the hearer may have an ex- nonsense which comes under the head of language quisite sense of humor, but he may be lacking in without meaning. a sense of nonsense, and so the story gives him Again, there are verses composed entirely of no pleasure. De Quincey said, " None but a man meaningless words, which are not nonsense litera- of extraordinary talent can write first-rate non- ture, because they are written with some other sense." Only a short study ofthe subject is required intent. to convince us that De Quincey was right ; and The nursery rhyme, of which there are almost he might have added, none but a man of extraor- as many versions as there are nurseries, dinary taste can appreciate first-rate nonsense. As Eena, meena, mona, mi, an instance of this, we may remember that Edward Bassalona, bona, stri, Lear, " the parent of modern nonsense-writers," Hare, ware, frown, whack, was a talented author and artist, and a prime favor- Halico balico, we, wi, wo, wack, ite of such men as Tennyson and the Earlsxx of is not strictly a nonsense verse, because it was in- [ xxi

A Nonsense Anthology Introduction

vented and used non- for "counting out," and the But of far greater interest and merit than arbitrary words simply take Here, again, the place of the num- sense of words, is nonsense of ideas. bers 1<, 2, 3, etc . distinguish between nonsense and no sense. Also, the we nonsense verses with which students Ideas conveying no sense are often intensely funny, of Latin composition our are sometimes taught to and this type is seen in some of the best of begin their efforts, where words are used with no nonsense literature. relative meaning, simply to familiarize the pupil A perfect specimen is the bit of evidence read with the mechanical values of quantity and metre, by the White Rabbit at the Trial of the Knave of are not nonsense. It is only nonsense for non- Hearts.' One charm of these verses is the serious sense' sake that is now under our consideration . air of legal directness which pervades their am- Doubtless the best and best-known example of biguity, and another is the precision with which the versified words without meaning is " Jabberwocky." metrical accent coincides exactly with the natural Although (notwithstanding Lewis Carroll's expla- emphasis. They are marked, too, by the liquid nations) the coined words are absolutely without euphony that always distinguishes Lewis Carroll's meaning, the rhythm is perfect and the poetic poetry. quality decidedly apparent, and the poem appeals A different type is found in verses that refer to to the nonsense lover as a work of pure genius. objects in terms the opposite of true, thereby sug- Bayard Taylor is said to have recited "Jabber- gesting ludicrous incongruity, and there is also the wocky " aloud for his own delectation until he was nonsense verse that uses word effects which have forced to stop by uncontrollable laughter. To us been confiscated by the poets and tacitly given who know our Alice it would seem unnecessary to over to them . quote this poem, but it is a fact that among the A refrain of nonsense words is a favorite diver- general reading community the appreciators of sion of many otherwise serious poets. , Lewis Carroll are surprisingly few. An editor of a ho, and a hey nonino, a leading literary review, when asked recently if With a hey, and he had read " Alice in Wonderland," replied, is one of Shakespeare's many musical nonsense " No, but I mean to. It is by the author of ' As refrains. in a Looking-Glass,' is it not?" 1 "She's all my Fancy painted him," page 2o. ] xxii [ [ xxiii ] A Nonsense Anthology Introduction

Burns gives us or ridiculous idea, and treats it with elaborate seri- ousness . The greatest masters of this art are un- Ken ye ought o' Captain Grose ? Igo and ago, doubtedly Edward Lear and Lewis Carroll. These If he 's 'mang his freens or foes ? Englishmen were men of genius, deep thinkers, Iram, coram, dago. and hard workers. Is he slain by Highlan' bodies ? Lear was an artist draughtsman, his subjects Igo and ago ; mainly ornithological and zoological. Lewis And eaten like a weather haggis ? being Iram, coram, dago. Carroll (Charles L. Dodgson) was an expert in mathematics and a lecturer on that science in Another very old refrain runs thus Christ Church, Oxford. Rorum, coram, sunt di-vorum, Both these men numbered among their friends Harum, scarum, divo; many of the greatest Englishmen of the day. Tag-rag, merry-derry, periwig and hat-band, Tennyson was a warm friend and admirer of each, Hie, hoc, horum, genitivo . as was also John Ruskin. Lear's first nonsense verses, published in An old ballad written before the Reformation 1846, has for a refrain are written in the form of the well-known stanza Sing go trix, beginning Trim go trix, There was an old man of Tobago . Under the greenwood tree. This type of stanza, known as the "Limerick," a gentleman who speaks with authority to While a celebrated political ballad is known by its is said by nonsense chorus, have flourished in the reign of William IV. This of several he remembers as current at his Lilliburlero bullin a-la. is one public school in 18 34 : Mother Goose rhymes abound in these non- man at St. Kitts sense refrains, There was a young and they are often fine examples of Who was very much troubled with fits ; onomatopoeia . The eclipse of the moon By far the most meritorious and most interesting Threw him into a swoon, When he tumbled and broke into bits. kind of nonsense is that which embodies an absurd [ xxiv ] [ xxv ]

A Nonsense A nthology Introduction

Lear distinctly asserts that this form of verse was Although like Lear's in some respects, Lewis not invented by him, but was suggested by a friend Carroll's nonsense is perhaps of a more refined as a useful model for amusing rhymes. It proved type. There is less of the grotesque and more so in his case, for he published no less than two poetic imagery. But though Carroll was more of hundred and twelve of these " Limericks." a poet than Lear, both had the true sense of non- In regard to his verses, Lear asserted that " non- sense. Both assumed the most absurd conditions, sense, pure and absolute," was his aim through- and proceeded to detail their consequences with out ; and remarked, further, that to have been the a simple seriousness that convulses appreciative means of administering innocent mirth to thou- readers, and we find ourselves uncertain whether sands was surely a just excuse for satisfaction. it is the manner or the matter that is more He pursued his aim with scrupulous consistency, amusing. and his absurd conceits are fantastic and ridiculous, Lewis Carroll was a man of intellect and edu- but never cheaply or vulgarly funny. cation ; his funniest sayings are often based Twenty-five years after his first book came out, on profound knowledge or deep thought. Like Lear published other books of nonsense verse and Lear, he never spoiled his quaint fancies by prose, with pictures which are irresistibly mirth- over-exaggerating their quaintness or their fanci- provoking. Lear's nonsense songs, while retain- fulness, and his ridiculous plots are as carefully ing all the ludicrous merriment of his Limericks, conceived, constructed, and elaborated as though have an added quality of poetic harmony . They they embodied the soundest facts. No funny are distinctly singable, and many of them have detail is ever allowed to become too funny ; and it been set to music by talented composers. Perhaps is in this judicious economy of extravagance that the best-known songs are " The Owl and the his genius is shown. As he remarks in one of his Pussy-Cat " and " The Daddy-Long-Legs and the own poems Fly." Lear himself composed airs for " The Pelican Then, fourthly, there are epithets Chorus " and " The Yonghy-Bonghy That suit with any word - Bo," which Reading Sauce were arranged for As well as Harvey's the piano by Professor Pomè, of With fish, or flesh, or bird. San Remo, Italy. xxvi

A Nonsense Anthology Introduction

Such epithets, like pepper, to suit their needs, and Lear and Carroll Give zest to of words what you write ; happy in their inventions ofthis kind. And, ifyou strew them sparely, are especially They whet the appetite ; Lear gives us such gems as scroobious, meloobi- But if you lay them on too thick, ous, ombliferous, borascible, slobaciously, himmel- spoil You the matter quite ! tanious, flumpetty, and mumbian ; while the best found in of Lewis Carroll's coined words are those Both Lear and Carroll suffered from the undis- " Jabberwocky." cerning critics who persisted in seeing in their Another of the great Nonsensists is W. S. nonsense a hidden meaning, a cynical, political, or Gilbert . Unlike Lear or Carroll, his work is not other intent, veiled under the apparent foolery. characterized by absurd words or phrases ; he pre- Lear takes occasion to deny this in the preface fers a still wider scope, and invents a ridiculous to one of his books, and asserts not only that his plot. The " Bab Ballads," as well as Mr. Gilbert's rhymes and pictures have no symbolical meaning, comic opera librettos, hinge upon schemes of ludi- but that he "took more care than might be sup- crous impossibility, which are treated as the most posed to make the subjects incapable of such natural proceedings in the world. The best known misinterpretation ." of the " Bab Ballads " is no doubt " The Yarn of Likewise, " Jabberwocky " was declared by one the ' Nancy Bell,"' which was long since set to critic to be a translation from the German, and music and is still a popular song. In addition by others its originality was doubted. The truth to his talent for nonsense, Mr. Gilbert possesses a is, that it was written by Lewis Carroll at an even- wonderful rhyming facility, and juggles cleverly ing party ; it was quite impromptu, and no ulterior with difficult and unusual metres. meaning was intended. " The Hunting of the In regard to his "Bab Ballads," Mr. Gilbert Snark " was also regarded by some as an allegory, gravely says that " they are not, as a rule, founded or, perhaps, a burlesque on a celebrated case, in on fact," and, remembering their gory and often which the Snark was used as a personification of cannibalistic tendencies, we are grateful for this popularity, but Lewis Carroll protested that the assurance . An instance of Gilbert's appreciation poem had no meaning at all. of other people's nonsense is his parody of Lear's A favorite trick of the Nonsensists is the coining verse [ xxviii xxix ]

A Nonsense Anthology Introduction

There was an old man in a tree The Doctor is also responsible for Who was horribly bored by a bee ; When they said, " Does it buzz ? " ifa man who turnips cries, He replied, " yes, it does 1 Cry not when his father dies, It's a regular brute of a bee ! " 'T is a proof that he would rather Have a turnip than a father. The parody attributed to Gilbert is " A called indeed, among our best writers there are Nonsense Rhyme in Blank Verse " : And few who have not dropped into nonsense or semi- There was an old man of St. Bees, nonsense at one time or another. Who was stung in the arm by a wasp ; A familiar bit of nonsense prose is by S. Foote, When they asked, " Does it hurt ? " is said that Charles Macklin used to recite it He replied, " No, it doesn't, and it But I thought all the while 't was a Hornet ! " with great gusto " She went into the garden to cut a cabbage-leaf to make Thackeray wrote spirited nonsense, but much of an apple-pie, and at the same time a great she-bear coming it had an under-meaning, political or otherwise, up the street, pops its head into the shop. ' What, no married the barber, which bars it from the field of sheer nonsense. soap?' so he died. She imprudently the Pickaninnies, the Joblilies, the The sense of nonsense is no and there were present respecter of per- and the Grand Panjandrum himself with the little sons ; even staid old Gayrulies, Dr. Johnson possessed it, round button on top, and they all fell to playing catch-as- though his nonsense verses are marked by credible catch-can till the gunpowder ran out at the heels of their fact and irrefutable logic. Witness these two boots." examples An old nonsense verse attributed to an Oxford As with my hat upon my head student, is the well known I walked along the Strand, A centipede was happy quite, I there did meet another man Until a frog in fun With his hat in his hand. Said, " Pray, which leg comes after which ?" This raised her mind to such a pitch, The tender infant, meek and mild, She lay distracted in the ditch Fell down upon the stone i Considering how to run. The nurse took up the squealing child, But still the child squealed on. So far as we know, Kipling has never printed [ xxx ] xxxi ]

A Nonsense Anthology Introduction anything which can be called nonsense verse, but often equal to Lewis Carroll's, it is rarely it is doubtless only a question delicacy of time when that nonsense. branch shall be added to his sheer versatility . His " Just proof that good nonsense is by no means So " stories are capital As a nonsense prose, and the achievement, attention is called to a recent following rhyme an .easy proves him guilty of at least one inaugurated by the London Academy. Limerick competition Nonsense rhymes similar to those quoted from There was a small boy of Quebec, The Lark were asked for, and though many were Who was buried in snow to his neck ; received, it is stated that no brilliant results were When they said, Are " you friz ? " them. He replied, " Yes, I is - among awarded to this weak and But we don't call this cold in Quebec." The prize was uninteresting specimen Among living authors, one who has written a If half the road was made of jam, great amount of good nonsense is Mr. Gelett Bur- The other half of bread, gess, late editor of The Lark. How very nice my walks would be," According to Mr. Burgess' own statement, the The greedy infant said. test of nonsense is its quotability, and his work These two were also offered by competitors stands this test admirably, for what absurd rhyme I love to stand upon my head ever attained such popularity as his " Purple And think of things sublime Cow " ? This was first printed in The Lark, Until my mother interrupts a paper published in San Francisco for two years, And says it's dinner-time. the only periodical of any merit that has ever made A lobster wooed a lady crab, intelligent nonsense its special feature. And kissed her lovely face. " Upon my sole," the crabbess cried, Another of the most talented nonsense writers of " I wish you'd mind your plaice !" to-day is Mr. Oliver Herford . It is a pity, however, to reproduce his verse without his illustrations, for as Let us, then, give Nonsense its place among the nonsense these are as admirable as the text. But divisions of Humor, and though we cannot reduce the greater part of Mr. Herford's work belongs to it to an exact science, let us acknowledge it as a the realm of pure fancy, and though of a whimsical fine art. [ xxxii ] [ c ] ( xxxiii ] A NONSENSE ANTHOLOGY A Nonsense Anthology

WAS brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe ; All mimsy were the borogoves, TAnd the mome raths outgrabe. " Beware the Jabberwock, my son The jaws that bite, the claws that catch Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun The frumious Bandersnatch ! " He took his vorpal sword in hand Long time the manxome foe he sought. So rested he by the Tumtum tree, And stood awhile in thought.

And as in uffish thought he stood, The Jabberwock with eyes of flame, Came whiffling through the tulgey wood, And burbled as it came

One, two! One, two! And through, and through The vorpal blade went snicker-snack He left it dead, and with its head He went galumphing back.

Nonsense A Anthology A Nonsense Anthology " And hast thou slain the Jabberwock ? gladio juvenis succingitur : hostis Come to my arms, my beamish boy! Vorpali Oh, Manxumus ad medium quaeritur usque diem frabjous day! Callooh ! callay ! " plurima mente prementi, He chortled Jamque via fesso, sed in his joy. Tumtumiae frondis suaserat umbra moram. 'T was brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe ; Consilia interdum stetit egnial mene revolvens ; All mimsy were the borogoves At gravis in densa fronde susuffrus 2 erat, And the mome raths outgrabe. Spiculaque 3 ex oculis jacientis flammea, tulseam 4 Lewis Carroll. Per silvam venit burbur Iabrochii Vorpali, semel atque iterum collectus in ictum, Persnicuit gladis persnacuitque puer MORS IABROCHII Deinde galumphatus, spernens informe Cadaver, Horrendum monstri'rettulit ipse caput. OESPER 1erat : tunclubriciles2ultravia circum Victor Iabrochii, spoliis insignis opimis, Urgebant gyros gimbiculosque tophi ; Rursus in amplexus, o radiose, meos C O frabiose dies! CALLO clamateque CALLA Moestenui visa borogovides ire meatu ; Et profugi gemitus exgrabuere rathx. Vix potuit laetus chorticulare pater.

O fuge Iabrochium, sanguis meus ! 3 Ille recurvis Coesper erat : tunc lubriciles ultravia circum Unguibus, estque avidis dentibus ille minax. Urgebant gyros gimbiculosque tophi ; Ububaefuge cautus avis vim, gnate ! Neque Moestenui visa borogovides ire meatu ; unquam Et profugi gemitus exgrabuere rathae. Faederpax contra to frumiosus eat Anonymous.

1 Coesper from Coena and "vesper. 2 lubriciles from 1egnia : "muffish"=segnis ; . . . "uffrsh"=egnis. This lubricus and graciles. See the Commen- better solution. tary in Humpty Dumpty's square, is a conjectural analogy, but I can suggest no which will also explain 2 susuffrus : " whiffling " : : susuffrus : "whistling ." ultravia, and - if it requires explanation- moestenui. $ Sanguis meur: cf. Verg. AEn. 6. 836, 3 spicula :see the picture. 4 burbur : apparently a labial variation of murmur, " Projice tela manu, sanguis meus ! " stronger but more dissonant.

A Nonsense Anthology A Nonsense Anthology

They gave him porter in a tub, THE NYUM-NYUM But, " Give me more! " he cried ; And then he drew a heavy sigh, laid him down, and died. HE Nyum-Nyum chortled by the sea, And And sipped the wavelets green T He wondered how the sky could be He died, and in the Nyum-Nyum's cave So very nice and clean ; A cry of mourning rose ; The Nyum-Nyum sobbed a gentle sob, He wondered if the chambermaid And slily blew his nose. Had swept the dust away, And if the scrumptious Jabberwock Had mopped it up that day. The Nyum-Nyum's love, we need not state, Was overwhelmed and sad ; And then in sadness to his love She said, " Oh, take the corpse away, The Nyum-Nyum weeping said, Or you will drive me mad! " I know no reason why the sea Should not be white or red. The Nyum-Nyum in his supple arms I know no reason why the sea Took up the gruesome weight, Should not be red, I say ; And, with a cry of bitter fear, And why the slithy Bandersnatch He threw it at his mate. Has not been round to-day. he wept, and tore his hair, He swore he'd call at two o'clock, And then And threw it in the sea, And now it's half-past four. And loudly sobbed with streaming eyes " Stay," said the Nyum-Nyum's love, "I think That such a thing could be. I hear him at the door."

In twenty minutes in there came The ox, that mumbled in his stall, A creature black as ink, Perspired and gently sighed, Which put its feet upon a chair And then, in sympathy, it fell And called for beer to drink. Upon its back and died . [6J [ 7 ]

TheThe hen that sat upon her eggs, mourners came and gathered up With high ambition fired, The bits that lay about ; ButArose in simple majesty, w the massacre had been, And, with a cluck, expired. The could not quite make out.

The jubejube bird, that carolled there One said there was a mystery Sat down upon a post, Connected with the deaths ; And with a reverential caw, But others thought the silent ones Gave up its little ghost. Perhaps had lost their breaths.

And ere its kind and loving life The doctor soon arrived, and viewed Eternally had ceased, The corpses as they lay ; The donkey, in the ancient barn He could not give them life again, In agony deceased. So he was heard to say.

The raven, perched upon the elm, But, oh! it was a horrid sight ; Gave forth a scraping note, It made the blood run cold, And ere the sound had died away, To see the bodies carried off Had cut its tuneful throat. And covered up with mould.

The Nyum-Nyum's love was sorrowful ; The Toves across the briny sea And, after she had cried, Wept buckets-full of tears ; She, with a brand-new carving-knife, They were relations of the dead, Committed suicide. And had been friends for years.

"Alas! " the Nyum-Nyum said, « alas! The Jabberwock upon the hill With thee I will not part," Gave forth a gloomy wail, And straightway seized a rolling-pin When in his airy seat he sat, And drove it through his heart. And told theCawful9 tale. 18 1 1

A Nonsense Anthology f Nonsense -Anthology

And who can wonder that it made The quavering shriek of the Fliupthecreek That loving creature cry ? Was fitfully wafted afar For he Wunks as she powdered her had done the dreadful work To the Queen of the And caused the things to die. cheek With the pulverized rays of a star. That Jabberwock was passing bad - That Jabberwock was wrong, And with this verdict I conclude The Gool closed his ear on the voice of the One portion of my song. Grig, Anonymous. And his heart it grew heavy as lead As he marked the Baldekin adjusting his wig UFFIA On the opposite side of his head ; air it grew chill as the Gryxabodill HEN sporgles And the spanned the floreate mead Raised his dank, dripping fins to the skies And cogwogs gleet upon the lea, with the Plunk for the use of her bill AT Uffia Bopped To plead to meet her love To pick the tears out of his eyes. Who smeeged upon the equat sea. Dately she walked aglost the sand ; The ghost of the Zhack flitted by in a trance ; The boreal wind seet in her face ; And the Squidjum hid under a tub The moggling waves yalped at her feet ; As he heard the loud hooves of the Hooken Pangwangling was her pace. advance Harriet R. White. With a rub-a-dub-dub-a-dub dub And the Crankadox cried as he laid down and died, SPIRK TROLL-DERISIVE " My fate there is none to bewail ! " While the Queen of the Wunks drifted over the HE Crankadox leaned o'er the edge of the moon, tide T With a long piece of crape to her tail. And wistfully gazed on the sea James Whitromb Riley. Where the Gryxabodill madly whistled a tune To the air of '1 Ti-fol-de-ding-dee ." * By permission of the author ; from " Spirk and Wunk Rhymes," copyright, x891, 1898 . SING FOR THE GARISH EYE HE woggly bird sat on the whango tree, ING for the garish eye, Nooping the rinkum corn, When moonless brandlings cling And graper and graper, alas! grew he, Let the froddering crooner cry, T" And cursed the day he was born. the braddled sapster sing. T SAnd His crute was clum and his voice was rum, and never again, As curiously For never thus sang he, Will the tottering beechlings play, "Oh, would I'd been rammed and eternally bratticed wrackers are singing aloud, clammed For And the throngers croon in May Ere I perched on this whango tree ." W. S. Gilbert, Now the whango tree had a bubbly thorn, As sharp as a nootie's bill, And it stuck in the woggly bird's umptum lorn And weepadge, the smart did thrill. THE CRUISE OF THE " P. C." He fumbled and cursed, but that was n't the worst, For he could n't at all get free, the swiffling waves they went, And CROSS he cried, " I am gammed, and injustibly The gumly bark yoked to and fro : nammed The jupple crew on pleasure bent, On the luggardly whango tree." AGalored, " This is a go! " And there he sits still, with no worm in his bill, poo's'l stood the Gom, Nor Beside the no guggledom in his nest ; He chirked and murgled in his glee ; He is hungry and bare, and gobliddered with care, him, in a grue jipon, And While near his grabbles give him no rest ; The Bard was quite at sea. He is weary and sore and his tugmut is soar, And nothing to nob has he, " Gollop ! Golloy ! Thou scrumjous Bard! As he chirps, " I am blammed and corruptibly Take pen (thy stylo) and endite jammed, A pome, my brain needs kurgling hard, In this cuggerdom whango tree."1840.[ 12 And I will feast tonight ." [ 13 ] A Nonsense Anthology A Nonsense Anthology

That wansome Bard he took his pen, L'ENVOI A flirgly look around he guv ; He once, he squoffled squirled, and then It is pilly-po-doodle and aligobung He wrote what's writ above. When the lollypop covers the ground, Anonymous. yet the poldiddle perishes punketty-pung When the heart jimmy-Goggles around. cart, If the soul cannot snoop at the giggle-some Seeking surcease in gluggety-glug, heart, It is useless to say to the pulsating TO MARIE " Panky-doodle ker-chuggetty-chug ! " John Bennett . W HEN thebreeze from the bluebottle's blus- tering blim Twirls the toads in a tooroomaloo, LUNAR STANZAS And the whiskery whine of the wheedlesome whim with their Drowns the roll of the rattatattoo, IGHT saw the crew like pedlers Then I dream in the shade of the shally-go-shee, packs And the voice of the bally-molay N Altho' it were too dear to pay for eggs ; on their backs Brings the smell of stale poppy-cods blummered Walk crank along with coffin in blee While in their arms they bow their weary legs. From the willy-wad over the way. And yet 't was strange, and scarce can one suppose That a brown buzzard-fly should steal and wear Ah, the shuddering shoo and the blinketty-blanks His white jean breeches and black woollen hose, . When the yungalung falls from the bough But thence that flies have souls is very clear In the blast of a hurricane's hicketty-hanks On the hills of the hocketty-how! But, Holy Father ! what shall save the soul, shoes? Give the rigamarole to the clangery-whang, When cobblers ask three dollars for their If they care for such fiddlededee When cooks their biscuits with a shot-tower roll, ; their But the thingumbob kiss of the whangery-bang And farmers rake their hay-cocks with Keeps the higgledy-piggle for me. hoes.

Yet, 't were profuse to see for pendant light, I grant that Rainbowes being lull'd asleep, A tea-pot dangle in a lady's ear ; Snorst like a woodknife in a Lady' eyes ; And 't were indelicate, although she might Which makes her grieve to see a pudding creep, Swallow two whales and yet the moon shine For Creeping puddings only please the wise. clear. But what to Not that a hard-row'd herring should presume me are woven clouds, or what, Cateskin purse ; If dames from spiders To swing a tyth pig in a learn to warp their looms ? hailstons which did fall at Rome, If coal-black ghosts turn soldiers for For fear the the State, By lesning of the fault should make it worse. With wooden eyes, and lightning-rods for plumes? Foror 't is most certain Winter woolsacks grow ! too, too shocking ! barbarous, savage taste ! From geese to swans if men could keep them so, To eat one's mother ere itself was born ! Till that the sheep shorn Planets gave the hint To gripe the tall town-steeple by the waste, To pickle pancakes in Geneva print. And scoop it out to be his drinking-horn . there were that did suppose the skie No more : no Some men more ! I'm sick and dead and gone ; Was made of Carbonado'd Antidotes ; Boxed in a coffin, stifled six feet deep ; opinion is, a Whale's left eye, Thorns, fat and But my fearless, prick my skin and bone, Need not be coyned all King Harry groates. And revel o'er me, like a soulless sheep. Henry Knight, Coggswell 1815 The reason's plain, for Charon's Westerne barge Running a tilt at the Subjunctive mood, Beckoned to Bednal Green, and gave him charge NONSENSE To fasten padlockes with Antartic food. OH that my Lungs could bleat like butter'd The End will be the Mill ponds must be laded, Pease ; Country dance ; But To fish for white pots in a bleating of my lungs bath Caught the wrong and were upbraded itch, So they that suffered Shall be made friends in a left-handed trance. And are as manmangy as the Irish Seas z6zq. That offer wary windmills to the Rich. ] Anonymous, s 17

Nonsense Anthology A Nonsense Anthology

Oh 1, who can feel the crimson ecstasy SONNET FOUND IN A DESERTED with bickering jar the Glorious Vhat soothes MAD HOUSE Tree ? O'er the high rock the foam of gladness throws, H that my soul a marrow-hone might seize While star-beams lull Vesuvius to repose For the old egg of my desire is broken, Girds the white spray, and in the blue lagoon, ? O Spilled is the pearly white and spilled the Weeps like a walrus o'er the waning moon yolk, and 'Who can declare ? - not thou, pervading boy As the mild melancholy contents grease Whom pibrochs pierce not, crystals cannot cloy ; - My path the shorn lamb baas like bumblebees . Not thou soft Architect of silvery gleams, Time's trashy purse is as a taken token Whose soul would simmer in Hesperian streams, bliss, Or like a thrilling recitation, spoken Th' exhaustless fire -the bosom's azure - By mournful mouths filled full of mirth and cheese . That hurtles, life-like, o'er a scene like this ; Defies the distant agony of Day- And yet, why should I clasp the earthful urn? And sweeps o'er hetacombs - away! away Or find the frittered fig that felt the fast ? Say shall Destruction's lava load the gale, Or choose to chase the cheese around the churn ? The furnace quiver and the mountain quail? Or swallow any pill from out the past ? Say shall the son of Sympathy pretend Ah, no Love, not while your hot kisses burn His cedar fragrance with our Chief's to blend ? Like a potato riding on the blast. There, where the gnarled monuments of sand Anonymous. Howl their dark whirlwinds to the levin brand ; 'Conclusive tenderness ; fraternal grog, Tidy conjunction ; adamantine bog, ; Thundering quince, THE OCEAN WANDERER Impetuous arrant toadstool Repentant dog-star, inessential Prince, Expound . Pre-Adamite eventful gun, RIGHT breaks the warrior o'er the ocean Crush retribution, currant-jelly, pun, wave Oh! eligible Darkness, fender, sting, Through realms that 15 rove not, clouds that Heav'n-born Insanity, courageous thing. cannot save, Intending, bending, scouring, piercing all, Sinks in the sunshine ; dazzles o'er the tomb Death like pomatum, tea, and crabs must fall. And mocks the mutiny of Memory's gloom. Anonymous. 18 ] A Nonsense Anthology A Nonsense Anthology

j gave her one, they gave him two, SHE'S ALL MY FANCY PAINTED you gave us three or more ; They all returned from him to you, HIM Though they were mine before.

HE's all my fancy painted him, If I or she should chance to be (I make no idle boast) ; Involved in this affair, If he or you had lost a S limb, He trusts to you to set them free, Which would have suffered most ? Exactly as we were .

He said that you had been to her, My notion was that you had been And seen me here before (Before she had this fit) But, in another character An obstacle that came between She was the same of yore. Him, and ourselves, and it.

best, There was not one that spoke to us, Don't let him know she liked them Of all that thronged the street ; For this must ever be So he sadly got into a 'bus, A secret, kept from all the rest, And pattered with his feet. Between yourself and me. Lewis Carroll

They told me you had been to her, And mentioned me to him ; MY RECOLLECTEST THOUGHTS She gave me a good character, But said I could not swim. Y recollectest thoughts are those Which I remember yet ; He sent them And bearing on, as you'd suppose, word I had not gone M forget. (We know it to be true) ; The things I don't Goblin," By permission of the author ;from " Davy and the If she should push the matter on, Ticknor copyright, 1884, 1885, by The Century Co . ; 1885, by What would become of you? Co . [20] 21 ] A A Nonsense Anthology Nonsense Anthology But my resemblest thoughts are less very true," said the wretched old man, Alike than they should be ; Very true, cc Every word that you tell me is true ; A state of things, as you'll confess, by my having my kerosene can You very seldom mid it's caused see. Painted red where it ought to be blue." And yet the mostest thought I love the young man Is what no one believes- You are old, Father William," That I'm the said, sole survivor of freeze, The famous Forty Thieves " And your teeth are beginning to our favorite daughter has wheels in her head, Charles E. Carryl. And the chickens are eating your knees." You are right," said the old man, " I cannot deny, That my troubles are many and great, July, ut I'll butter my ears on the Fourth of FATHER WILLIAM And then I 'll be able to skate." Anonymous. OU are old, Father William," the young Y man said, "And your nose has a look of surprise ; THE GLOAMING Your eyes have turned round to the back of your IN head, And you live upon cucumber HE twilight twiles in the vernal vale, pies." awe, " I know it, I know it," the old man replied, In adumbration of azure T listlessly list in my swallow-tail " And it comes from employing a quack, And I Who said if I laughed when To the limpet licking his limber jaw. the crocodile died daffodil, I should never have pains in my back." And it's O for the sound of the For the dry distillings of prawn and prout, When hope hops high and a heather hill You are old, Father William," the young man Is a dear delight and a darksome doubt. said, the bosky brae " And your The snagwap sits in legs always get in your way ; to the gumplet in accents sweet ; You use too much mortar in mixing And sings your bread, The gibwink has n't a word to say, And you try to drink timothy hay." fair keeweet. ] 22 But[ pensively smiles at the [ 231

A Nonsense Anthology A Nonsense Anthology

And it's O for the jungles Then, lady, wake! My brigantine of Boorabul. to be free ; For the jingling jungles to jangle in, Pants, neighs, and prances With a moony maze of mellado mull, Till the creation I am thine, some rich desert fly with me. And a protoplasm for next of kin. To Punch. O, sweet is the note of the shagreen shard And mellow the mew of the mastodon, When the soboliferous Somminard SWEET TO ROAM Is scenting the shadows at set of sun. 'T IS And it's O for the timorous tamarind IS sweet to roam when morning's light In the murky meadows of Mariboo, Resounds across the deep ; For the suave sirocco of Sazerkind, And the crystal song of the woodbine And the pimpernell pellets of Pangipoo. brightright J C. Balesy . Hushes the rocks to sleep, And the blood-red moon in the blaze of noon Is bathed in a crumbling dew, . And jittering shout, BALLAD OF BEDLAM To-whit rto-whit,Anonymous. t1whoo ' OH, lady, wake! the azure moon Is rippling in the verdant skies, HYMN TO THE SUNRISE The owl is warbling his soft tune, croon Awaiting but thy snowy eyes. HE dreamy crags with raucous voices The joys of future years are past, the zephyr's heliotrope career ; Anonymous. Across To-morrow's hopes have fled away ; I sit contentedly upon the moon Still let the sphere. us love, and e'en at last TAnd watch the sunlight trickle round We shall be happy yesterday. rocks The shiny trill of jagged, feathered The early beam of rosy nightI hear with glee as swift I fly away ; Drives off the ebon morn afar And over waves of subtle, woolly flocks CrashesWhile through the murmur of the light the breaking day The huntsman winds his mad guitar. [ 25 [ + ]

A Nonsense Anthology Nonsense Anthology

THE MOON IS UP UPRISING SEE THE FITFUL LARK HE moon is up, the moon is up! The larks begin to fly, fitful lark T And, like a drowsy buttercup, PRISING see the Unfold his pinion to the stream ; Dark Phoebus skims the sky, bark The elephant, with The pensive watch-dog's mellow cheerful voice, U like a dream : Sings blithely on the spray ; O'ershades yon cottage The bats and beetles The playful duck and warbling bee all rejoice, to tree! Then let me, too, be gay. Hop gayly on, from tree I would I were a How calmly could my spirit rest porcupine, bell so blue, And wore a peacock's tail ; Beneath yon primrose To-morrow, if the And watch those airy oxen drest moon but shine, hue Perchance I 'll be a whale. In every tint of pearling Then let me, like As on they hurl the gladsome plough, the cauliflower, each brow Be merry while I may, While fairy zephyrs deck Anonymous. And, ere there comes a sunny hour To cloud my heart, be gay Anonymous. LIKE TO THE THUNDERING 'T IS MIDNIGHT TONE

'T IS midnight, and the setting sun IKE to the thundering tone of unspoke Is slowly rising in the west ; speeches, The rapid rivers slowly run, Or like a lobster clad in logic breeches, The frog is on his downy nest. gray fur of a crimson cat, The Or like the pensive goat and sportive cow, Or like the mooncalf in a slipshod hat ; Hilarious, leap from bough to bough. E'en such is he who never was begotten Anonymous . Until his children were both dead and rotten. [ 27 ] [z6] A Nonsense Anthology A Nonsense Anthology Like to the fiery tombstone of a cabbage, Or like a crab-louse with its bag and baggage, MY HOME Or like the four square circle of a ring, Or like to hey ding, ding-a, ding-a, ding ; deep, E'en such is he who home is on the rolling spake, and yet, no doubt, my time a-feeding sheep ; Spake to small purpose, when I spend his tongue was out. YAnd when the waves on high are running, M gun and go a-gunning. Like to a fair, I take my fresh, fading, wither'd rose, shoot wild ducks down deep snake-holes, Or like to rhyming verse I that runs in prose, And drink gin-sling from two-quart bowls. Or like the stumbles of a tinder-box, Anonymous. Or like a man that 's sound yet sickness mocks ; Pen such is he who died and yet did laugh To see these lines writ for his epitaph . Bishop Corbet in 17th century . IN IMMEMORIAM

E seek to know, and knowing seek ; We seek, we know, and every sense Is trembling with the great intense, MY DREAM AndWvibrating to what we speak.

DREAMED a dream next Tuesday week, too oft ; Beneath the We ask too much, we seek apple-trees ; enough and should no more ; I thought my eyes were We know big pork-pies, And yet we skim through Fancy's lore, And my nose was Stilton cheese. And look to earth and not aloft. The clock struck twenty minutes to six, When a frog sat on my knee ; I asked him to lend me eighteenpence, Sea! whose ancient ripples lie But he borrowed a shilling of me. On red-ribbed sands where seaweeds shone ; Anonynous. O moon! whose golden sickle's gone, O voices all ! like you I die Cutbbert Bede. [ 28 [ 291 Anihology A Nonsense Anthology Nonsense

parallels all things are ; yet many of these are askew ; THE HIGHER I am not you. PANTHEISM IN A You are certainly I ; but certainly NUTSHELL not, One, whom we see not, is ; and one, who is ONE, we see ; who is not, we see ; but one, whom we take it, see not, is ; Fiddle, we know, is diddle ; and diddle, we Surely, this not is dee. is that ; but that is as- d. C. Swinburne. suredly this.

What, and wherefore, and whence : for under is over and under ; DARWINITY If thunder could be without lightning, lightning could be without thunder. OWER to thine elbow, thou newest of Doubt is faith in the sciences, main ; but faith, on the decay ; whole, is doubt ; All the old landmarks are ripe for P but shadows, and so are alliances, We cannot believe by proof ; but could we believe Wars are without ? Darwin the great is the man of the day .

Why, and whither, and how ? for barley and rye All other 'ologies want an apology ; are not clover ; Bread 's a mistake - Science offers a stone ; but Anthropobiology- Neither are straight lines curves ; yet over is under Nothing is true and over. Darwin the great understands it alone.

teacher is, One and two are not one ; but one and nothing is Mighty the great evolutionist two ; Licking Morphology clean into shape ; Professor or Preacher is, Truth can hardly be false, if falsehood cannot be Lord ! what an ape the true. Ever to doubt his descent from an ape. 0301

Man 's an Anthropoid - he cannot help that, you know - First evoluted from Pongos of old ; He's but a branch of the catarrhine cat, you know - MOVING form or rigid mass, Monkey I mean-that's an ape with a cold. A Under whate'er conditions Along successive screws must pass Fast dying out are man's later Appearances, Between each two positions. Cataclysmitic Geologies gone ; It turns around and slides along - my song. Now of Creation completed the clearance is, This is the burden of Darwin alone you must anchor upon. The pitch of screw, if multiplied Primitive Life-Organisms were chemical, By angle of rotation, Busting spontaneous under the sea ; Will give the distance it must glide Purely subaqueous, panaquademical, In motion of translation. Was the original Crystal of Me. Infinite pitch means pure translation, And zero pitch means pure rotation. I'm the Apostle of mighty Darwinity, Stands for Divinity - sounds much the same - Two motions on two given screws, Apo-theistico-Pan-Asininity With amplitudes at pleasure, Only can doubt whence the lot of us came. Into a third screw-motion fuse ; Whose amplitude we measure Down on your knees, Superstition and Flunkey- By parallelogram construction dom (A very obvious deduction .) Won't you accept such plain doctrines instead ? What is so simple as primitive Monkeydom Its axis cuts the nodal line Born in the sea with a cold in its bead? Which to both screws is normal, And generates a form divine, Herman Merivale. Whose name, in language formal, Is "surface-ruled of third degree." Cylindroid is the name for me. [32 ] [31 [33] fl Nonsense flnthology ,1 Nonsense ~4nthology

Rotation round a given line And hence we always can contrive Is like a force along . One screw reciprocal to five. If to say couple you incline, You're clearly in the wrong ;- Screws -two, three, four or five, combined 'T is obvious, upon reflection, (No question here of six), A line is not a mere direction. Yield other screws which are confined Within one screw complex. So couples with translations too Thus we obtain the clearest notion In all respects agree ; Of freedom and constraint of motion. And thus there centres in the screw A wondrous harmony In complex III., three several screws Of Kinematics and of Statics, - At every point you find, The sweetest thing in mathematics. Or if you one direction choose, One screw is to your mind ; The forces on one given And complexes of order III. screw, be. With motion on a second, Their own reciprocals may In general some work will do, you arrive, Whose magnitude is reckoned In IV., wherever By angle, force, You find of screws a cone, and what we call V. The coefficient virtual. On every line in complex There is precisely one ; rich, Rotation now to force At each point of this complex convert, given pitch. And force into rotation ; A plane of screws have Unchanged the work, we can assert, discourse In spite of transformation . But time would fail me to And if two screws no work can claim, Of Order and Degree ; Reciprocal will be their name. Of Impulse, Energy and Force, And Reciprocity. Five numbers will a screw define, All these and more, for motions small, A screwing motion, six ; Have been discussed by Dr. Ball. For four will give the axial line, 14nonymoul, One more the pitch will fix ; f 34 [ 351

fl Nonsense ,Ynthology e? Nonsense fInthology

But the night was dark and they missed their mark, MOORLANDS OF THE NOT And, driven well-nigh to distraction, They lost their ways in a murky maze abstraction . CROSS the moorlands of the Not Of utter abstruse We chase the gruesome When ; And hunt the Isness of the What Then they took a boat and were soon afloat Through forests of the Then . On a sea of Speculation, Into the Inner Consciousness ' But the sea grew rough, and their boat, though tough, We track the crafty Where ; Was split into an Equation. We spear the Ego tough, and beard The Selfhood in his lair. As they floundered about in the waves of doubt Rose a fearful Hypothesis, With lassos of the brain we catch Who gibbered with glee as they sank in the sea, The Isness of the Was ; And the last they saw was this And in the copses of the Whence We hear the think bees buzz. rock-bound reef of Unbelief We climb the On a slippery Whichbark tree There sat the wild Negation ; To watch the Thusness roll ; sank once more and were washed ashore And pause Then they betimes in gnostic rimes At the Point of Interrogation. To woo the Over Soul. Oliver Herford.

Anoaymou.r . ABSTROSOPHY METAPHYSICS fitful past HY and Wherefore F echoes from the set out one day Could rise to mental view, W To hunt for a wild Negation. I /V They Would all their fancied radiance last agreed to meet at a cool retreat from the blast, On the Point of Or would some odors Interrogation . by Time, accrue? By permission of Untouched the author i from ~~ The Bashful Earthquake," copyright, 1898 . By permission of the author ; from "The Burgess Nonsense Book," copyright, 19ol . [ 36 ] [37] ,4 Nonsense f4nthology ,4 Nonsense 4nthology

Is present pain a future bliss, Or is it something worse ? For instance, take a case like this PSYCHOLOPHON Is fancied kick a real kiss, Supposed to be Translated from the Old Parsee Or rather the reverse ? WINE then the rays Is plenitude of passion palled Round her soft Theban tissues By poverty of scorn ? All will be as She says, Does Fiction mend where TWhen that dead past reissues. Fact has mauled ? Has Death its wisest victims called Matters not what not- where, When idiots are born ? Hark, to the moon's dim cluster! Gelett Burgess. How was her heavy hair Lithe as a feather duster Matters not when nor whence ; Flittertigibbet ! ABSTEMIA Sounds make the song, not sense, In Mystic often Thus I inhibit Argot Confounded with Farrago Gelett Burgess.

F ought that stumbles in my speech TIMON OF ARCHIMEDES t I Or stutters in my pen, Or, claiming tribute, each to each, S one who cleaves the circumambient air Rise, not to fall again, Seeking in azure what it lacks in space, Let something lowlier far, for me, A And sees a young and finely chiselled face Through evanescent shades - Filled with foretastes of wisdom yet more rare ; Than which my spirit might not be Touching and yet untouched -unmeasured grace! Nourished in fitful ecstasy A breathing credo and a living prayer- Not less to know but more to see Yet of the earth, still earthy ; debonair Where that great Bliss pervades. The while in heaven it seeketh for a place . Gelett Burgess. By permission of the author ; from "The Burgess Nonsense * By permission of the Book," copyright, rgor . author ; from "The Burgess Nonsense Book, copyright, r9ol . t By permission of R. H . Russell ; from '° Just Rhymes," copy- right, x899 . fag] [39~ !1 Nonsense 4nthology ,1 Nonsense 4nthology

So thy dear eyes and thy kind lips but say- Ere from his cerements Timon seems to flit LINES BY A MEDIUM " What of the reaper grim with sickle keen ? " And then the sunlight ushers in new day MIGHT not, if I could ; And for our tasks our bodies seem more fit - should not, if I might ; Might I 11 of the night, unfleeing, sight unseen." Yet if I should I would, Charles Battell Loomis . And, shoulding, I should quite!

I must not, yet I may ; ALONE I can, and still I must ; But ah ! I cannot - nay, LONE! Alone To must I may not, just I sit in the solitudes of the moonshades, A Soul-hungering in the moonshade solitudes I shall, although I will, sit I - But be it understood, My heart-lifts beaten down in the wild wind-path. if I may, can, shall-still Oppressed, and scourged and beaten down are my I might, could, would, or should heart-lifts . Anmymour. I fix my gaze on the eye-star, and the eye-star flings its dart upon me. I wonder why my soul is lost in wonder why I am, And why the eye-star mocks me, TRANSCENDENTALISM Why the wild wind beats down my heart-lifts ; Why I am stricken here in the moonshade solitudes. schools, Oh ! why am I what I am, T is told, in Buddhi-theosophic And why am I There are rules, anything ? mundane labor irks Am I not as wild as the wind and r By observing which, when more crazy quiescence Why do I sit in the moonshade, while the One can simulate eye- evanescence star mocks me while I ask what I am ? By a timely Why? Why? From his Active Mortal Essence, Works.) 1lnonymow. (Or his 41 C 401 [ 7

11 Nonsense 1Inthology 11 Nonsense 4nthology

The particular procedure leaves research In the lurch, HEART-FOAM But, apparently, this matter-moulded form Is a kind of outer plaster, Which a well-instructed to be wafted away Master OH ! this black Aceldama of sorrow, Can remove without disaster h rom dust of an earthy to-day When he's warm. Where the Makes the earth of a dusty to-morrow . W S. Gilbert. And to such as mourn an Indian Solar Clime At its prime 'T were a thesis most immeasurably fit, So expansively elastic, And so plausibly fantastic, COSSIMBAZAR That one gets enthusiastic For a bit. OME fleetly, come fleetly, my hookabadar, From the Times of India. For the sound of the tam-tam is heard from C afar. " Banoolah ! Banoolah ! " The Brahmins are nigh, And the depths of the jungle re-echo their cry. Pestonjee Bomanjee ! INDIFFERENCE Smite the guitar ; Join in the chorus, my hookabadar. N loopy links the canker crawls, Tads twiddle in their 'polian glee, monsoon, I Yet sinks my heart as water falls Heed not the blast of the deadly . that gleams in the moon. The loon that laughs, the babe that bawls, Nor the blue Brahmaputra The wedding wear, the Stick to thy music, and oh, let the sound funeral palls, or two round. Are neither here nor there to me. Be heard with distinctness a mile Of life the mingled wine and brine _7amsetjee, _7eejeebhoy I sit and sip pipslipsily . Sweep the guitar. hookabadar. 14nonymous. Join in the chorus, my [ 42 [431

fl Nonsense -4nthology Nonsense 1lnthology

Art thou a Buddhist, or dost thou indeed * Put faith in the monstrous Mohammedan creed ? A CLASSIC ODE Art thou a Ghebir - a blinded Parsee ? Not that it matters an limpid stream of Tyrus, now I hear atom to me. OH, Armageddon's host, Cursetjee Bomanjee The pulsing wings of more clear- Twang the guitar Clear as a colcothar and yet those of which the Parsees Join in the chorus, my hookabadar. (Twin orbs, like boast ;) Henry S. Leigh. Down in thy pebbled deeps in early spring time THE The dimpled naiads sport, as in the PERSONIFIED When Ocidelus with untiring wing SENTIMENTAL Drave teams of prancing tigers, 'mid the chime

AFFECTION'S charm no longer gilds Of all the bells of Phicol. Scarcely one The idol of the shrine ; Peristome veils its beauties now, but then - But cold Oblivion seeks to fill nascent diamonds, sparkling in the sun, Regret's Like ambrosial wine. Or sainfoin, circinate, or moss in marshy fen . Though Friendship's offering buried lies 'Neath cold Aversion's snow, Loud as the blasts of Tubal, loud and strong, Regard and Faith will ever bloom Sweet as the songs of Sappho, aye more sweet ; Perpetually below. Long as the spear of Arnon, twice as long, What time he hurled it at King Pharaoh's feet. I see thee whirl in marble halls, Cbarles Battell Loomis . In Pleasure's giddy train ; Remorse is never on that brow, WAIL Nor Sorrow's mark of pain. WHERE AVALANCHES Deceit has marked thee for her own ; green Distress Inconstancy the HERE avalanches wail, and same ; pallid beak of loveliness And Ruin wildly sheds its Sweeps o'er the gleam melancholy Sulphur holds her sway Athwart thy path of shame. Where W of conscience tremble and obey ; Bret Harte And cliffs * By . from " Just Rhymes," copy- permission of Houghton, Mifflin & Co ., * By permission of R. H. Russell i of Bret authorized publishers Harte's works. right, x899 . 1441 [45] f1 Nonsense ~4nthology 1I Nonsense Inthology And where Tartarean rattlesnakes expire ; Twisting like tendrils of a hero's pyre ? NONSENSE No! dancing in the meteor's hall See, of power, Genius ponders o'er Affection's tower OOD reader, if you e'er have seen, A form of thund'ring When Phoebus hastens to his pillow, import soars on high, G Hark ! 't is the gore of infant melody The mermaids with their tresses green No more shall verdant Innocence amuse Dancing upon the western billow ; The lips that have seen at twilight dim, death-fraught Indignation glues ; - If you Tempests shall teach When the lone spirit's vesper hymn the trackless tide of thought, That undiminish'd senselessness is Floats wild along the winding shore, Freedom naught ; shall glare ; and oh ! ye links The fairy train their ringlets weave The Poet's divine, along the spangled green ; - heart shall quiver in the brine. Glancing If you have seen all this, and more, Awnymouf . God bless me! what a deal you 've seen Thomas Maore. BLUE MOONSHINE SUPERIOR NONSENSE VERSES INGLED aye with fragrant yearnings, M Throbbing in the mellow glow, E comes with herald clouds of dust ; Glint the silvery spirit-burnings, Ecstatic frenzies rend his breast ; Pearly blandishments of woe. H A moment, and he graced the earth Now, seek him at the eagle's nest. Aye ! forever and forever, Whilst the love-lorn censers sweep, Hark ! see'st thou not the torrent's flash Whilst the jasper winds dissever shooting o'er the mountain height ? Amber-like Far the crystal deep, Hear'st not the billow's solemn roar, That echoes through the vaults of night ? Shall the soul's delirious slumber, Sea-green vengeance of a kiss, Teach Anon the murky cloud is riven, despairing crags to number lightnings leap in sportive play, Blue The infinities of bliss. And through the clanging doors of heaven, Francif G. Stoker. In calm effulgence bursts the day . E46 ] C 47 1

fl Nonsense -4nthology 11 Nonsense 11 nthology

Hope, peering from her fleecy car, But deeper shadows gather o'er Smiles welcome to the coming spring, The vales that sever night and morn ; And birds with blithesome songs of praise And darkness folds with brooding wing Make every grove and valley ring. The rustling fields of waving corn. What though on pinions of the blast Then issuing from his bosky lair The sea-gulls sweep with leaden flight ? The crafty tiger crouches low, What though the watery caverns deep Or thunders from the frozen north Gleam ghostly on the wandering sight ? The white bear lapped in Arctic snow. Is there no music in the trees Thus shift the scenes till high aloft To charm thee with its frolic mirth ? The young moon sets her crescent horn, Must Care's wan phantom still beguile And in gray evening's emerald sea And chain thee to the stubborn earth ? The beauteous Star of Love is born. Anonymous. Lo! Fancy from her magic realm Pours Boreal gleams adown the pole. The tidal currents lift and swell - WHEN MOONLIKE ORE THE Dead currents of the ocean's soul. HAZURE SEAS Yet never may their mystic streams Breathe whispers of the mournful past, HEN moonlike ore the hazure seas Or Pallas wake her sounding lyre In soft effulgence swells, Mid Ether's columned temples vast. When silver jews and balmy breaze Bend down the Lily's bells ; Grave History walks again the earth When calm and deap, the rosy sleap As erst it did in days of eld, Has lapt your soal in dreems, When seated on the golden throne R Hangeline ! R lady mine! Her hand a jewelled sceptre held. Dost thou remember Jeames ? The Delphian oracle is dumb, I mark thee in the Marble all, Dread Cumae wafts no words of fate, Where England's loveliest shine- To fright the eager souls that press I say the fairest of them hall Through sullen Lethe's iron gate. Is Lady Hangeline. [48 ] [4] [49] A Nonsense Anthology A Nonsense Anthology My soul, in desolate eclipse, Cynthia, tune harmonious numbers ; With recollection teems the lyre ; And then I hask, Fair Discretion, tune with weeping lips, ever-waking slumbers ; Dost thou remember Jeames Soothe my ? Bright Apollo, lend thy choir. Away! I may not tell thee hall Gloomy Pluto, king of terrors, This soughring heart endures- Armed in adamantine chains, There is a lonely sperrit-call the crystal mirrors, That Lead me to Sorrow never cures ; Watering soft Elysian plains. There is a little, little Star, That still above me beams ; Mournful Cypress, verdant willow, It is the Star of Hope - but ar Gilding my Aurelia's brows, Dost thou remember Jeames ? Morpheus, hovering o'er my pillow, W. M. Thaekeray . Hear me pay my dying vows. Melancholy, smooth Mwander, Swiftly purling in a round, LINES BY A PERSON OF QUALITY On thy margin lovers wander With thy flowery chaplets crowned. LUTTERING spread thy purple pinions, Gentle Cupid, o'er my heart, Thus when Philomela, drooping, F I a slave in thy dominions, Softly seeks her silent mate, Nature must give way to'art. So the bird of Juno stooping ; resigns to fate. Mild Arcadians, Melody ever blooming, fl1exander Pope. Nightly nodding o'er your flocks, See my weary days consuming, All beneath yon flowery rocks. FRANGIPANNI Thus the Cyprian goddess weeping, NTWINE those ringlets! Ev'ry dainty clasp Mourned Adonis, darling youth That shines like twisted sunlight in my eye Him the boar, in silence creeping, U the coiling of the jewelled asp Gored with Is but unrelenting tooth. That smiles to see men die. [5c1 C 5 1 1

.,? Nonsense ~Inthology ,1 Nonsense 4nthology

Oh, cobra-curled ! Fierce-fanged fair one! Draw Night's curtain o'er the landscape of thy hair! LINES BY A FOND LOVER I yield ! I kneel! I own, 1 bless thy law That dooms me to despair. lalt OVELY maid,ng,with rapture swelli I mark the crimson Should these pages meet thine eye, ruby of thy lips, dispelling ; - I feel the witching weirdness Clouds of absence soft of thy breath Vacant memory heaves a sigh. I droop ! I sink into my soul's eclipse, - I fall in love with death! As the rose, with fragrance weeping, Trembles to the tuneful wave, And yet, vouchsafe a moment! I would gaze So my heart shall twine unsleeping, Once more into those sweetly-murderous eyes, Till it canopies the grave. Soft glimmering athwart the pearly haze That smites to dusk the skies. Though another's smile 's requited, Envious fate my doom should be ; Hast thou no pity ? Must I darkly tread Joy forever disunited, The unknown paths that lead me wide from Think, ah ! think, at times on me! thee ? Hast thou no garland for this aching head Oft, amid the spicy gloaming, That soon so low must be ? Where the brakes their songs instil, Fond affection silent roaming, No sound ? No sigh ? No smile ? Is all forgot? Loves to linger by the rill - Then spin my shroud out of that golden skein consoling, Thou callst thy tresses ! I shall stay thee not - There, when echo's voice My struggles were but vain ! Hears the nightingale complain, Gentle sighs my lips controlling, beauty's chain. But shall I see thee far beyond the sun, Bind my soul in When the new dawn lights Empyrean scenes ? recesses, What matters now ? I know Oft in slumber's deep the poem 's done, thy mirror'd image see ; And wonder what the dickens it all I means Fancy mocks the vain caresses 14nonymou.r . I would lavish like a bee [ 5 3 1 ,1 Nonsense 4nthology f4 Nonsense ~4nthology

But how vain is glittering sadness! For memory scanning all the past, Hark, I hear distraction's knell ! Relaxes her firm bonds at last, Torture gilds my heart with madness And gives to candor all the grace Now forever fare thee well The heart can in its temple trace. .Aonymous, dnonymou .r.

FORCING A WAY THY HEART HY heart is like some icy lake, OW many strive to force a way On whose cold brink I stand ; Where none can go save those who pay, Oh, buckle on my spirit's skate, H To verdant plains of soft delight TAnd lead, thou living saint, the way The homage of the silent night, To where the ice is thin - When countless stars from pole to pole That it may break beneath my feet Around the earth unceasing roll And let a lover in In roseate shadow's silvery hue, Anonymou.r. Shine forth and gild the morning dew .

And must we really part for good, But meet again here where we 've stood ? A LOVE-SONG BY A LUNATIC No more delightful trysting-place, in the sky, We've watched sweet Nature's smiling face. HERE's not a spider glowworm in the sea, No more the landscape's lovely brow, There 's not a that soars on high, Exchange our mutual breathing vow . There's not a crab TBut bids me dream, dear maid, of thee Then should the twilight draw around No loving interchange of sound. When watery Phoebus ploughs the main, Less for renown than innate love, When fiery Luna gilds the lea, window-pane, These to my wish must recreant prove ; As flies run up the dear love, to thee Nor whilst an impulse here remain, So fly my thoughts, Can ever hope the soul to gain ; Anonymous . [ 54 1 [55] fl Nonsense fInthology fl Nonsense dnthology

THE PARTERRE TO MOLLIDUSTA HEN gooseberries grow on the stem of a DON'T know any greatest treat daisy, As sit him in a gay parterre, W And plum-puddings roll on the tide to And sniff one up the perfume sweet the shore, Of every roses buttoning there. And julep is made from the curls of a jazey, Oh, then, Mollidusta, I 'll love thee no more. It only want my charming miss Who make to blush the self red rose ; When steamboats no more on the Thames shall Oh ! I have envy of to kiss be going, The end's tip of her splendid nose. And a cast-iron bridge reach Vauxhall from the Nore, Oh ! I have envy of to be And the Grand junction waterworks cease to be What grass 'heath her pantoflie push, flowing, And too much happy seemeth me Oh, then, Mollidusta, I 'll love thee no more. The margaret which her vestige crush. Plantbc.

But I will meet her nose at nose, And take occasion for her hairs, JONES And indicate her all my woes, JOHN That she in fine agree my prayers . ..4t the Piano

THE ENVOY OVE me and leave me ; what love bids re- I don't know any greatest treat trieve me? can June's fist grasp May? As sit him in a gay parterre, L Leave me and love me ; hopes eyed once With Madame who is too more sweet above me like spring's sprouts, decay ; Than every roses buttoning there. Fall as the snow falls, when summer leaves grow storm's play E. H. Palmer. false-cards packed for [56 ] [57] .d Nonsense 4nthology .4 Nonsense f4nthology

VI Nay, say Decay's self be but last May's elf, wing Old times left perish, new time to cherish ; life shifted, eye sheathed - just shifts its tune ; Cnangeling in April's crib rocked, who lets 'scape As, when the day dies, half afraid, eyes the growth rills locked fast since frost breathed - of the moon ; ) Skin cast (think! adder-like, now bloom bursts Love me and save me, take me or waive me ; bladder-like, - bloom frost bequeathed ? death takes one so soon I. C. Swinburne.

Ah, how can fear sit and hear as love hears it grief's heart's cracked grate's screech ? Chance lets the gate sway that opens on hate's way and shews on shame's beach THE OWL AND THE PUSSY-CAT Crouched like an imp sly change watch sweet love's shrimps lie, a toothful in each. Pussy-Cat went to sea IV HE Owl and the In a beautiful pea-green boat Cime feels his tooth slip on husks wet from Truth's T They took some honey, and plenty of money lip, which drops them and grins- Wrapped up in a five-pound note. Shells where no throb stirs of life left in lobsters The Owl looked up to the stars above, since joy thrilled their fins- And sang to a small guitar, Hues of the pawn's tail or comb that makes dawn "Oh, lovely Pussy, oh, Pussy, my love, stale, so red for our sins What a beautiful Pussy you are, v You are, You are! Leaves love last year smelt now feel dead love's What a beautiful Pussy you are! " tears melt - flies caught in time's mesh Salt are the dews in which new time breeds new Pussy said to the Owl, , You elegant fowl, sin, brews blood and stews flesh ; How charmingly sweet you sing Next year may see dead more germs than this let us be married ; too long we have tarried weeded and reared Oh, them afresh. But what shall we do for a ring ? " [ 581 [591

fl Nonsense Rnthology fl Nonsense ~4nthology

They sailed away for a year and a day, doth she warble not ? Is she afraid To Why the land where the bong-tree grows ; Of the hound that howls, or the moaning mole ? And there in the wood a Piggy-wig stood, it be on an errand she hath delayed ? With Can a ring at the end of his nose, Hush thee, hush thee, dear little soul His nose, His nose, nightingale sings to the nodding nettle With a ring at the The end of his nose. In the gloom o' the gloaming athwart the glade The zephyr sighs soft on Popocatapetl, "Dear Pig, are you willing to sell for one shilling And Auster is taking it cool in the shade Your ring? " Said the Piggy, « I will." Sing, hey, for a gutta serenade 1 So they took it away and were married next day Not mine to stir up a storied pole, By the Turkey who lives on the hill. No noses snip with a bluggy blade - They dined on mince and slices of quince, Hush thee, hush thee, dear little soul Which they ate with a runcible spoon ; And hand in hand, on the edge of the sand, Shall I bribe with a store of minted metal ? They danced by the light of the moon, With Everton toffee thee persuade ? The moon, That thou in a kettle thyself shouldst settle, The moon, When grandly and gaudily all arrayed ! They danced by the light of the moon. Thy flounces'ill foul and fangles fade. roll Edward Lear. Come out, and Algernon Charles'ill Thee safe and snug in Plutonian plaid - Hush thee, hush thee, dear little soul!

ENVOI A BALLADE OF THE NURSERIE When nap is none and raiment frayed, And winter crowns the puddered poll, HE hid herself in the soiree kettle A kettle sings ane soote ballade - Out of her Ma's way, Hush thee, hush thee, dear little soul. wise, wee maid ! 7obn Twig. S Wan was her lip as the lily's petal, Sad was the smile that over it played. [6o] 6t ] ,4 Nonsense l4nthology Nonsense flnthology

Art thou not greater who art less ? A BALLAD OF HIGH Ah me! ah me! ENDEAVOR (Sweet Venus, mother ! Low love fulfilled of low success ? H Night ! blind germ of days to be, (Ah me! ah me! Ah me! ah me Hey diddle dee !~ A (Sweet Venus, mother! .dnonymous . What wail of smitten strings hear we ? (Ah me! ah me Hey diddle dee l) THE LUGUBRIOUS WHING- WHANG Ravished by clouds our Lady Moon, Ah me! ah me! OUT on the margin of moonshine land, (Sweet Venus, mother!) Tickle me, love, in these lonesome ribs, Sinks swooning in a lady-swoon Out where the whing-whang loves to stand, (Ah me! ah me Writing his name with his tail on the sand, Dum diddle dee I) And wiping it out with his oogerish hand ; Tickle me, love, in these lonesome ribs. What profits it to rise i' the dark ? Ah Is it the gibber of gungs and keeks ? me! ah me lonesome ribs, (Sweet Venus, mother Tickle me, love, in these If love but over-soar Or what is the sound the whing-whang seeks, its mark creeks, (Ah me! ah me Crouching low by the winding holding his breath for weeks and weeks ? Hey diddle dee I~ And Tickle me, love, in these lonesome ribs.

What boots to fall again forlorn ? Aroint him the wraithest of wraithly things Ah me! ah me! Tickle me, love, in these lonesome ribs, (Sweet Venus, mother 'T is a fair whing-whangess with phosphor rings, Scorned by the grinning hound of scorn, And bridal jewels of fangs and stings, Childhood," (Ah me! ah me * By permission of the author ; from " Rhymes of Dum diddle dee f) copyright, x8go, x898 . [ba] [ 63]

,1 Nonsense 4nthology 11 Nonsense 4nthology

And she sits and as sadly and softly sings Then laugh, ha, ha, ha, As the mildewed whir of her own dead wings ; And ring, ting, ling, ling, Tickle me, dear ; tickle me here ; And sing, fal, la, la, Tickle me, love, in these lonesome ribs. La, la, le. [Repeat.] James Whitcomb Riley. Bret Harte.

OH! WEARY MOTHER THE BULBUL

HE lilies lie in my lady's bower, HE bulbul hummeth like a book (Oh! weary mother, drive the cows to Upon the pooh-pooh tree, T roost ; And now and then he takes a look They faintly droop for a ; T At you and me, little hour My lady's head droops like a flower. At me and you. Kuchi She took the porcelain in her hand, Kuchoo ! (Oh ! weary mother, drive the cows to roost ;) Owen Seaman. She poured ; I drank at her command ; Drank deep, and now-you understand BALLAD (Oh ! weary mother, drive the roost cows to .) With an .4ncient Refrain Barry Pain. STOODENT A has gone and spent, O With a hey-lililu and a how-low-lan SWISS AIR * All his money to a Cent, the birk and the broom blooms bonny . 'M a gay tra, la, la, And With my fal, lal, la, la, His Creditors he could not pay, And my bright- With a hey-lililu and a how-low-lan, And my light - And Prison proved a shock to A, Tra, la, le. [Repeat.] And the birk and the broom blooms bonny. * By permission of Houghton, Mifflin & Co ., authorized publithers .dnonymous . of Bret Harte's works. * By permission of John Lane ; from "The Battle of the Bays." [ 64] [sl [65] .,4 Nonsense 4nthology Nonsense e4nthology

A SONG ON KING WILLIAM III

H, my Geraldine, S I walked by myself, O No flow'r was ever seen so toodle um. And talked to myself, You are my lum ti toodle lay, A Myself said unto me, Pretty, pretty queen, Look to thyself, Is rum ti Geraldine and something teen, Take care of thyself, More sweet than tiddle lum in May. For nobody cares for thee. Like the star so bright That somethings all the night, I answered myself, My Geraldine And said to myself, You're fair as the rum ti lum ti sheen, In the self-same repartee, Hark ! there is what -ho ! Look to thyself, From something-um, you know, Or not look to thyself, Dear, what I mean. The selfsame thing will be. Oh! rum! turn!! turn!!! my Geraldine . dnonymou.r. F. C. Burnand.

THERE WAS A MONKEY BUZ, QUOTH THE BLUE FLY HERE was a monkey climbed up a tree, UZ, quoth the blue fly, When he fell down, then down fell he. Hum, quoth the bee, Buz and hum they cry, B There was a crow sat on a stone, And so do we was none. In his ear, in his nose, thus, do you see ? When he was gone, then there He ate the dormouse, else it was he . There was an old wife did eat an apple, Ben 7onson had eat a couple. in'~ The Masque of Oberon ." When she had eat two, she [ 6 7 1

fl Nonsense f4nthology 1 11 Nonsense 4nthology There was a horse going to the mill, He often squeaked, and sometimes vi'lent, When he went on, he stood not still. And when he squeaked he ne'er was silent Though ne'er instructed by a cat, There was a butcher cut his thumb, He knew a mouse was not a rat. When it did bleed, then blood did come. One day, as I am certified, There was a lackey ran a race, When he ran fast, he ran He took a whim, and fairly died ; apace. And as I'm told by men of sense, There was a cobbler clouting shoon, He never has been living since When they were mended, they were done. Anonymous.

There was a chandler making candle, When he them strip, he did them handle.

There was a navy went into Spain, THREE CHILDREN When it returned, it came again. Anonymous, 2626. ` rrHREE children sliding on the ice Upon a summer's day, As it fell out they all fell in, The rest they ran away. THE GUINEA PIG Now, had these children been at home, HERE was a little Guinea-pig, Or sliding on dry ground, Who, being little, was not big ; Ten thousand pounds to one penny He always walked upon his feet, They had not all been drowned. TAnd never fasted when he eat. You parents all that children have, When from a place he ran away, And you too that have none, He never at that place did stay ; If you would have them safe abroad And while he ran, as I am told, Pray keep them safe at home. He ne'er stood still for young or old.' London, 2662. [68] [ 69 fL Nonsense fInthology fI Nonsense .Inthology

One said it was a ship, IF The other said Nay ; The third said it was a house F all the land were apple-pie, With the chimney blown away. And all the sea were ink ; I And all the trees were bread and cheese, And all the night they hunted, What should we do for drink? And nothing could they find ; flnonymour . But the moon a-gliding, A-gliding with the wind .

A RIDDLE One said it was the moon, The other said Nay ; HE man in the wilderness asked of me The third said it was a cheese, How many strawberries grew in the sea. And half o't cut away. I answered him as I thought good, r4nanymous . AsTmany as red herrings grow in the wood. dnanymous .

THREE ACRES OF LAND THREE JOVIAL HUNTSMEN acres of land, HERE were three jovial huntsmen, MY father left me three As I have heard them say, Sing ivy, sing ivy ; My father left me three acres of land, And they would go a-hunting and ivy TAll on a summer's day. Sing holly, go whistle,

All the day they hunted, I ploughed it with a ram's horn, And nothing could they find Sing ivy, sing ivy ; But a ship a-sailing, And sowed it all over with one peppercorn, A-sailing with the wind. Sing holly, go whistle, and ivy ~ 70 1 -4 Nonsense Inthology 1I Nonsense ~4nthology

I harrowed it with a bramble bush, Sing ivy, sing ivy ; HYDER IDDLE And reaped it with my little penknife, Sing holly, go whistle, and ivy YDER iddle diddle dell, A yard of pudding is not an ell ; I got the mice to carry it to the barn, Not forgetting tweedle-dye, Sing ivy, sing ivy ; AHtailor's goose will never fly. ,Inonymous. And thrashed it with a goose's quill, Sing holly, go whistle, and ivy

I got the cat to carry it to the mill, Sing ivy, sing ivy ; The miller he swore he would have her paw, KING ARTHUR And the cat she swore she would scratch his face, Sing holly, go whistle, and ivy 1lnonymous . WHEN good King Arthur ruled the land, He was a goodly king He stole three pecks of barley meal, To make a bag-pudding .

MASTER AND MAN A bag-pudding the king did make, And stuffed it well with plums ; And in it put great lumps of fat, ASTER I have, and I am his man, As big as my two thumbs. Gallop a dreary dun ; Master I have, and I am his man, AndMI'll get a wife as fast as I can ; The king and queen did eat thereof, With a heighly gaily gamberally, And noblemen beside ; Higgledy piggledy, niggledy, niggledy, And what they could not eat that night, The queen next morning fried. Gallop a dreary dun. 1lnonymour . 14nonymous. [ 7 3] f1 Nonsense flnthology ,I Nonsense fInthology

Fill thou the cup, and I the can ; IN THE DUMPS Thou hast well drunken, man Who's the fool now? WE're all in the dumps, For diamonds are trumps ; /V The kittens are gone to St. Paul's I see a sheep shearing corn, The babies are bit, Fie ! man, fie The moon's in a fit, I see a sheep shearing corn, And the houses are built without walls. Who's the fool now? Anonymous. I see a sheep shearing corn, And a cuckoo blow his horn ; Thou hast well drunken, man TWEEDLE-DUM AND Who's the fool now ? TWEEDLE-DEE WEEDLE-DUM and Tweedle-dee I see a man in the moon, Resolved to have a battle, Fie ! man, fie see a man in the moon, For Tweedle-dum said Tweedle-dee I THad spoiled his nice new rattle. Who's the fool now ? Just then flew by a monstrous crow, I see a man in the moon, As big as a tar-barrel, Clouting of St. Peter's shoon, Which frightened both the heroes so Thou hast well drunken, man They quite forgot their quarrel. Who's the fool now? AnonymouJ. I see a hare chase a hound, MARTIN TO HIS MAN Fie ! man, fie I see a hare chase a hound, ARTIN said to his man, Who 's the fool now ? Fie ! man, fie ! I see a bare chase a hound, M Oh, Martin said to his man, Twenty mile above the ground ; Who's the fool now ? Thou hast well drunken, man : Martin said to his man, Who 's the fool now ? [ 74] [75] ,1 Nonsense .Inthology ,l Nonsense 4nthology

I see a goose ring a hog, These were all his worldly goods Fie ! man, fie In the middle of the woods, I see a goose ring a hog, These were all the worldly goods Who's the fool now? Of the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo, I see a goose ring a hog, Of the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo. And a snail that bit a dog ; Thou hast well drunken, man Who's the fool now ? Once, among the Bong-trees walking I see a mouse catch the cat, Where the early pumpkins blow, Fie ! man, fie ! To a little heap of stones I see a mouse catch the cat, Came the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo . Who 's the fool now ? There he heard a Lady talking, I see a mouse catch the cat, To some milk-white Hens of Dorking, - And the cheese to eat the rat ; 11'T is the Lady Jingly Jones Thou hast well drunken, man On that little heap of stones Who's the fool now ? Sits the Lady Jingly Jones ! " Said the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo, From Deuteromelia printed in the reign of .7ames I. Said the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo.

« Lady Jingly ! Lady Jingly THE YONGHY-BONGHY-BO Sitting where the pumpkins blow, Will you come and be my wife Said the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo, " I am tired of living singly, - the Coast of Coromandel On this coast so wild and shingly,- ON Where the early pumpkins blow, I 'm a-weary of my life ; In the middle of the woods If you'll come and be my wife, Lived the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo. Quite serene would be my life! " Two old chairs, and half a candle, Said the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo, One old jug without a handle, - Said the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo. C 76 J C 771

11 Nonsense 4nthology Nonsense Anthology

iv ~ Keep, oh, keep your chairs and candle, ~~ On this Coast of Coromandel And your jug without a handle - Shrimps and watercresses grow, I can merely be your friend Prawns are plentiful and cheap," Should my Jones more Dorkings send, Said the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo. I will give you three, my friend ! " You shall have my chairs and candle, Mr. Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo And my jug without a handle! Mr. Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo Gaze upon the rolling deep (Fish is plentiful and cheap ) : vii As the sea, my love is deep ! " Said the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo, "Though you've such a tiny body, head so large doth grow,- Said the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo. And your Though your hat may blow away, v Mr. Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo Though you're such a Hoddy Doddy, Lady Jingly answered sadly, Yet I wish that I could modi- And her tears bean to flow fy the words I needs must say '1 Your proposal comes too late, Will you please to go away? Mr. Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo ! That is all I have to say, I would be your wife most gladly! " Mr. Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo ! Here she twirled her fingersg madly,) Mr. Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo ! " ( « But in England I e a mate! Yes ! you 've asked me far too late, viii For in England I've a mate, Mr. Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo ! Down the slippery slopes of Myrtle, Mr. Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo ! Where the early pumpkins blow, To the calm and silent sea VI Fled the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo. " Mr. Jones (his name is Handel, - There, beyond the Bay of Gurtle, Handel Jones, Esquire & Co.) Lay a large and lively Turtle. Dorking fowls delights to send, « You're the Cove," he said, « for me Mr. Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo On your back beyond the sea, shall carry me! " [ 78 1 Turtle, you [791

-4 Nonsense 4nthology ,4 Nonsense I nthology

Said the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo, Said the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo. THE POBBLE WHO HAS NO TOES

IX HE Pobble who has no toes Through the silent roaring ocean Had once as many as we ; Did the Turtle swiftly go ; T When they said, 1' Some day you may lose Holding fast upon his shell them all," Rode the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo. He replied, « Fish fiddle de-dee ! " With a sad primxval motion And his Aunt Jobiska made him drink Toward the sunset isles of Boshen Lavender water tinged with pink ; Still the Turtle bore him well, For she said, " The World in general knows Holding fast upon his shell. There 's nothing so good for a Pobble's toes ! " "Lady Jingly Jones, farewell ! " Sang the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo, who has no toes Sang The Pobble the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo . Swam across the Bristol Channel ; But before he set out he wrapped his nose x In a piece of scarlet flannel. Jobiska said, 1' No harm From the Coast of Coromandel For his Aunt Did that Lady never go, ~ : Can come to his toes if his nose is warm ; that heap " And its perfectly known that a Pobble s toes On of stones she mourns he minds his nose. For the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo . Are safe-provided On that Coast of Coromandel, In his jug without a handle The Pobble swam fast and well, Still she weeps, and daily moans ; And when boats or ships came near him, On the little heap of stones He tinkledy-binkledy-winkled a bell To her Dorking Hens she moans, So that all the world could hear him. For the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo, And all the Sailors and Admirals cried, For the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo. When they saw him nearing the farther side, Edward Lear. " He has gone to fish for his Aunt Jobiska's Runcible Cat with crimson whiskers!" [80] E 81 ] Nonsense 4nthology Nonsense f4nthology

But before he touched the shore- The shore of the Bristol Channel, THE JUMBLIES A sea-green Porpoise carried away His wrapper of scarlet flannel. And when he came to observe his feet, HEY went to sea in a sieve, they did ; Formerly garnished with toes so neat, In a sieve they went to sea forlorn T His face at once became In spite of all their friends could say, On perceiving that all his toes were gone On a winter's morn, on a stormy day, In a sieve they went to sea. And nobody ever knew, And when the sieve turned round and round, From that dark day to the present, And every one cried, « You 'll all be drowned ! " Whoso had taken the Pobble's toes, They called aloud, '1 Our sieve ain't big ; In a manner so far from pleasant. But we don't care a button, we don't care a fig Whether the shrimps or crawfish gray, In a sieve we 'll go to sea! " Or crafty mermaids stole them away, Far and few, far and few, Nobody knew ; and nobody knows Are the lands where the Jumblies live ; How the Pobble was robbed of his twice five toes Their heads are green and their hands are blue ; And they went to sea in a W'he Pobble who has no toes sieve. Was placed in a friendly Bark, And they rowed him back and carried him up To his Aunt Jobiska's Park. They sailed away in a sieve, they did, And she made him a feast at his earnest wish, In a sieve they sailed so fast, Of eggs and buttercups fried with fish ; With only a beautiful pea-green veil And she said, 11 It's a fact the whole world knows, Tied with a ribbon by way of a sail, That Pobbles are happier without their toes." To a small tobacco-pipe mast. And every one said who saw them Edward Lear. go, " Oh ! won't they soon be upset, you know ? For the sky is dark and the voyage is long, And, happen what may, it 's extremely wrong In a sieve to sail so fast." [ 8 z ] [ 8 3]

11 Nonsense 4nthology f1 Nonsense flnthology

Far and few, far and few, And all night long, in the moonlight pale, Are the lands where the Jumblies live ; We sail away with a pea-green sail Their heads are green and their hands are In the shade of the mountains brown." blue ; Far and few, far and few, And they went to sea in a sieve. Are the lands where the Jumblies live ; Their heads are green, and their hands are blue ; And they went to sea in a sieve. The water it soon came in, it did ; The water it soon came in v wrapped their feet So, to keep them dry, they They sailed to the Western Sea, they did, - In a pinky paper all folded neat ; To a land all covered with trees ; And they fastened it down with a pin. they jar ; And bought an owl and a useful cart, And they passed the night in a crockery And a pound of rice, and a cranberry-tart, And each of them said, '~ How wise we are! long, And a hive of silvery bees ; Though the sky be dark, and the voyage be And they bought a pig, and some green rash or wrong, jackdaws, Yet we never can think we were And a lovely monkey with lollipop paws, While round in our sieve we spin ." And forty bottles of ring-bo-ree, Far and few, far and few, ; And no end of Stilton cheese. Are the lands where the Jumblies live Far and few, far and few, and their hands are Their heads are green Are the lands where the Jumblies live ; blue ; Their heads are green, and their hands are And they went to sea in a sieve. blue ; And they went to sea in a IV sieve. VI And all night long they sailed away ; And when the sun went down, And in twenty years they all came back, - They whistled and warbled a moony song In twenty years or more ; To the echoing sound of a coppery gong, And every one said, « How tall they 've grown In the shade of the mountains brown. For they 've been to the Lakes, and the Torrible O Timballoo ! How happy we are Zone, When we live in a sieve and a crockery-jar! And the hills of the Chankly Bore." [ 8+ 1 [ 85] !I Nonsense Inthology f1 Nonsense 14nthology drank their health, and gave them a feast And they There Of dumplings made of beautiful yeast ; on golden sunsets glazing Every evening found him gazing, And every one said, 1' If we only live, We, too, will go to sea in a sieve, Singing, « Orb! you're quite amazing To the hills of the Chankly Bore." How I wonder what you are ! " Far and few, far and few, Are the lands where the Jumblies live ; Their heads are green, and their hands are Like the ancient Medes and Persians, blue ; Always by his own exertions And they went to sea in a sieve. He subsisted on those hills ; Edward Lear. Whiles, by teaching children spelling, Or at times by merely yelling, Or at intervals by selling " Propter's Nicodemus Pills."

INCIDENTS IN THE LIFE OF IV MY UNCLE ARLY Later, in his morning rambles, He perceived the moving brambles Something square and white disclose : - my aged Uncle Arly, 'T was a First-class Railway-Ticket ; OHSitting! on a heap of barley But on stooping down to pick it Through the silent hours of night, Off the ground, a pea-green cricket Close beside a leafy thicket ; Settled on my uncle's nose. his nose there was a cricket, On V In his hat a Railway-Ticket, (But his shoes were far too tight.) Never, nevermore, oh ! never Did that cricket leave him ever,- Dawn or evening, day or night ; Clinging as a constant treasure, Long ago, in youth, he squander'd All his goods away, and wander'd Chirping with a cheerious measure, To the Timskoop-hills afar. Wholly to my uncle's pleasure, [86] (Though his shoes were far too tight.) [87] fl Nonsense 4nthology .l Nonsense f4nthology

vi He has ears, and two eyes, and ten fingers, Leastways if you reckon two thumbs ; So for three and forty winters, Long ago he was one of the singers, Till his shoes were worn to splinters But now he is one of the dumbs. All those hills he wander'd o'er, - Sometimes silent, sometimes yelling ; He sits in a beautiful parlour, Till he came to Borley-Melling, With hundreds of books on the wall ; Near his old ancestral dwelling, He drinks a great deal of Marsala, (But his shoes were far too tight.) But never gets tipsy at all.

He has many friends, laymen and clerical, On a little heap of barley Old Foss is the name of his cat : Died my aged Uncle Arly, His body is perfectly spherical, And they buried him one night He weareth a runcible hat. Close beside the leafy thicket ; There, his hat and Railway-Ticket ; When he walks in a waterproof white, There, his ever faithful cricket ; him (But his shoes were far too tight.) The children run after so! Calling out, « He's come out in his night- Edward Lear. Gown, that crazy old Englishman, oh! "

LINES TO A YOUNG LADY He weeps by the side of the ocean, He weeps on the top of the hill ; OW pleasant to know Mr. Lear! " He purchases pancakes and lotion, Who has written such volumes of stuff And chocolate shrimps from the mill. H Some think him ill-tempered and queer, But a few think him pleasant enough . He reads but he cannot speak Spanish, He cannot abide ginger-beer His mind is concrete and fastidious, Ere the days of his pilgrimage vanish, His nose is remarkably big ; How pleasant to know Mr. Lear. His visage is more or less hideous, Edward Lear. His beard it resembles a wig. [88] [89]

fl Nonsense ~4nthology ,1 Nonsense 4nthology

His accents mild took up the tale ; He said, '1 I go my ways WAYS AND MEANS And when I find a mountain-rill I set it in a blaze ; And thence they make a stuff they call I 'LL tell thee everything I can ; Rowland's Macassar Oil- There 's little to relate. Yet twopence-halfpenny is all I saw an aged aged man, They give me for my toil." A-sitting on a gate. « Who are you, aged man ? " I said, how is it you " But I was thinking of a way « And live? To feed oneself on batter, His answer trickled through my head water through a sieve. And so go on from day to day Like Getting a little fatter. I shook him well from side to side, He said, " I look for butterflies Until his face was blue ; That sleep among the wheat « Come, tell me how you live," I cried, I make them into mutton-pies, « And what it is you do! " And sell them in the street. I sell them unto men," he said, He said, 'c I hunt for haddock's eyes 11 Who sail on stormy seas ; Among the heather bright, And that 's the way I get my bread - And work them into waistcoat-buttons A trifle, if you please." In the silent night. And these I do not sell for gold But I was thinking of a plan Or coin of silvery shine, To dye one's whiskers green, But for a copper halfpenny And always use so large a fan And that will purchase nine. That they could not be seen. So, having no reply to give « I sometimes dig for buttered rolls, To what the old man said, Or set limed twigs for crabs ; I cried, « Come, tell me how you live! '' I sometimes search the grassy knolls And thumped him on the head. For wheels of Hansom cabs. Ego] 9i

fl Nonsense flnthology ,1 Nonsense Inthology

And that 's the way " (he gave a wink) Who snorted like a buffalo - « By which I get my wealth That summer evening, long ago, And very gladly will I drink A-sitting on a gate. Your Honor's noble health." Lewis Carrell.

I heard him then, for I had just Completed my design To keep the Menai Bridge from rust THE WALRUS AND THE By boiling it in wine. CARPENTER I thanked him much for telling me The way he got his wealth, But chiefly for his wish that he HE sun was shining on the sea, Might drink my noble health. Shining with all his might He did his very best to make TThe billows smooth and bright - And now if e'er by chance I put And this was odd, because it was My fingers into glue, The middle of the night. Or madly squeeze a right-hand foot Into a left-hand shoe, The moon was shining sulkily, Or if I drop upon my toe Because she thought the sun A very heavy weight, Had got no business to be there I weep, for it reminds me so After the day was done - Of that old man I used to know - « It's very rude of him," she said, «Whose look was mild, whose speech was slow, , To come and spoil the fun ! " Whose hair was whiter than the snow, Whose face was very like a crow, The sea was wet as wet could be, With eyes, like cinders, all aglow, The sands were dry as dry. Who seemed distracted with his woe, You could not see a cloud, because Who rocked his body to and fro, No cloud was in the sky And muttered mumblingly, and low, No birds were flying overhead- As if his mouth were full of dough, There were no birds to fly. [9 2 ] [ 93 1

,4 Nonsense f4nthology Nonsense 1lnthology Their shoes were clean and neat - The Walrus and the Carpenter And this was odd, because, you know, Were walking close at hand ; They had n't any feet. They wept like anything to see Such quantities of sand Four other Oysters followed them, " If this were only cleared away," And yet another four ; They said, « it would be grand ! " And thick and fast they came at last, And more, and more, and more - " If seven maids with seven mops All hopping through the frothy waves, Swept it for half a year, And scrambling to the shore. Do you suppose," the Walrus said, 11 That they could get it clear ? " The Walrus and the Carpenter "I doubt it," said the Carpenter, Walked on a mile or so, And shed a bitter tear. And then they rested on a rock Conveniently low « O Oysters come and walk with us! " And all the little Oysters stood The Walrus did beseech . And waited in a row. 16 A pleasant walk, a pleasant talk, Along the briny beach The time has come," the Walrus said, We cannot do with more than four, « To talk of many things To give a hand to each." Of shoes - and ships - and sealing-wax - Of cabbages - and kings - The eldest Oyster looked at him, And why the sea is boiling hot - But not a word he said : And whether pigs have wings." The eldest Oyster winked his eye, And shook his heavy head - « But wait a bit," the Oysters cried, Meaning to say he did not choose 11 Before we have our chat ; To leave the oyster-bed . For some of us are out of breath, And all of us are fat ! " But four young Oysters hurried up, 14 No hurry ! " said the Carpenter. All eager for the treat They thanked him much for that. Their coats were brushed, their faces washed, [9s] [94]

11 Nonsense ~Inthology fl Nonsense .Inthology

" A loaf of bread," the Walrus said, Those of the largest size, "Is what we chiefly need : Holding his pocket-handkerchief Pepper and vinegar besides Before his streaming eyes. Are very good indeed - Now if you're ready, Oysters dear, " O Oysters," said the Carpenter, We can begin to feed." "You've had a pleasant run Shall we be trotting home again ? " " But not on us ! " the Oysters cried, But answer came there none- Turning a little blue. And this was scarcely odd, because " After such kindness that would be They 'd eaten every one. A dismal thing to do ! " Lesvis Carroll. "The night is fine," the Walrus said, " Do you admire the view ? " THE HUNTING OF THE SNARK "It was so kind of you to come And you are very nice ! " E have sailed many months, we have sailed many weeks, The Carpenter said nothing but W " Cut us another slice (Four weeks to the month you may I wish you were not quite so deaf- mark, I've had to ask you twice ! " But never as yet ('t is your Captain who speaks) Have we caught the least glimpse of a Snark

" It seems a shame," the Walrus said, " We have sailed many weeks, we have saile,' "To play them such a trick, many days, After we've brought them out so far, (Seven days to the week I allow), And made them trot so quick! " But a Snark, on the which we might lovingly gaze, The Carpenter said nothing but We have never beheld until now " The butter 's spread too thick ! " I " Come, listen, my men, while I tell you again " I weep for you," the Walrus said ; The five unmistakable marks 111 deeply sympathize." By which you may know, wheresoever you go, With sobs and tears he sorted out The warranted genuine Snarks. [96] [7] [ 97 1

fl Nonsense 14nthology !1 Nonsense 4nthology

c' Let us take them in order. The first is the taste, They roused him with muffins-they roused him Which is meagre and hollow, but crisp with ice - Like a coat that is rather too tight in the waist, They roused him with mustard and cress With a flavour of Will-o-the-wisp . They roused him with jam and judicious advice - They set him conundrums to guess. " Its habit of getting up late you 'll agree That it carries too far, when I say That it frequently breakfasts at five-o'clock tea, When at length he sat up and was able to speak, And dines on the following day. His sad story he offered to tell ; And the Bellman cried, "Silence! Not even a " its in taking a jest. shriek! « The third is slowness And excitedly tingled his bell. Should you happen to venture on one, It will sigh like a thing that is greatly distressed ; And it always looks grave at a pun. "My father and mother were honest, though poor- " «The fourth is its fondness for bathing-machines, "Skip all that !" cried the Bellman in haste, Which it constantly carries about, "If it once becomes dark, there's no chance of a And believes that they add to the beauty of scenes - Snark, A sentiment open to doubt. We have hardly a minute to waste! "

« The fifth is ambition. It next will be right "I skip forty years," said the Baker, in tears, To describe each particular batch ; And proceed without further remark Distinguishing those that have feathers, and bite, To the day when you took me aboard of your ship From those that have whiskers, and scratch. To help you in hunting the Snark. « For, although common Snarks do no manner of harm, You may seek it with thimbles-and seek it with Yet I feel it my duty to say care ; Some are Boojums-" The Bellman broke off You may hunt it with forks and hope; in alarm, You may threaten its life with a railway-share ; For the Baker had fainted away. You may charm it with smiles and soap --, [98j [99]

f1 Nonsense 1Inthology .d Nonsense 14nthology

" I said it in Hebrew - I said it in Dutch - "Its flavor when cooked is more exquisite far I said it in German and Greek ; Than mutton or oysters or eggs But I wholly forgot (and it vexes me much) (Some think it keeps best in an ivory jar, That English is what you speak ! " And some, in mahogany kegs :)

"The thing can be done," said the Butcher, " I ~' You boil it in sawdust ; you salt it in glue think You condense it with locusts and tape ; The thing must be done, I am sure. Still keeping one principal object in view The thing shall be done! Bring me paper and ink, To preserve its symmetrical shape." The best there is time to procure." The Butcher would gladly have talked till next day, But he felt that the Lesson must end, So engrossed was the Butcher, he heeded them not, And he wept with delight in attempting to say As he wrote with a pen in each hand, He considered the Beaver his friend. And explained all the while in a popular style Lervi.r Carroll. Which the Beaver could well understand.

"Taking Three as the subject to reason about - SYLVIE AND BRUNO A convenient number to state- We add Seven and Ten and then multiply out T T E thought he saw a Banker's clerk By One Thousand diminished by Eight. ~~-/1 Descending from the 'bus ; H He looked again, and found it was " The result we proceed to divide, as you see, A Hippopotamus. By Nine Hundred and Ninety and Two ; "If this should stay to dine," he said, Then subtract Seventeen, and the answer must be " There won't be much for us! " Exactly and perfectly true. He thought he saw an Albatross That fluttered round the lamp "As to temper, the Jubjub 's a desperate bird, He looked again, and found it was Since it lives in perpetual passion A Penny-Postage-Stamp. Its taste in costume is entirely absurd " You 'd best be getting home," he said ; It is ages ahead of the fashion. " The nights are very damp! " 100 101 A Nonsense Anthology A Nonsense Anthology

He thought he saw a Coach-and-Four As Alice was a-sitting at her window-sill one day, That stood beside his bed A beautiful young gentleman he chanced to pass He looked again, and found it was that way ; A Bear without a Head. She cast her eyes upon him, and he looked so good ~' Poor thing," he said, '1 poor silly thing and true, It's waiting to be fed!" That she thought, "I could be happy with a gentle- man like you! " He thought he saw a Kangaroo That worked a coffee-mill And every morning passed her house that cream He looked again, and found it was of gentlemen, A Vegetable-Pill . She knew she might expect him at a quarter unto cc Were I to swallow this," he said, ten, « I should be very ill ! " A sorter in the Custom-house, it was his daily road The Custom-house was fifteen minutes' walk from He thought he saw a Rattlesnake her abode.) That questioned him in Greek He looked again, and found it was But Alice was a pious girl, who knew it was n't The Middle of Next Week. wise ~' The one thing I regret," he said, To look at strange young sorters with expressive 11 Is that it cannot speak ! " purple eyes ; Lewi.r Carroll. So she sought the village priest to whom her family confessed, The priest by whom their little sins were carefully GENTLE ALICE BROWN assessed.

T was a robber's daughter, and her name was « Oh, holy father," Alice said, "'t would grieve Alice Brown. you, would it not ? I Her father was the terror of a small Italian To discover that I was a most disreputable lot town ; Of all unhappy sinners I'm the most unhappy Her mother was a foolish, weak, but amiable old one!" thing ; The padre said, c' Whatever have you been and But it is n't of her parents that I 'm going for to sing. gone and done ? " 1 102 [ 103

l4 Nonsense 4nthology /1 Nonsense 4nthology

c' I have helped mamma to steal a little kiddy « A pleasant-looking gentleman, with pretty purple from its dad, eyes, I've assisted dear papa in cutting up a little lad . I've noticed at my window, as I've sat a-catching I 've planned a little burglary and forged a little flies ; check, He passes by it every day as certain as can be - And slain a little baby for the coral on its neck! " I blush to say I've winked at him and he has winked at me!" The worthy pastor heaved a sigh, and dropped a silent tear - « For shame," said Father Paul, « my erring And said, "You must n't judge yourself too heavily, daughter! On my word my dear- This is the most distressing news that I have ever It 's wrong to murder babies, little corals for to heard. fleece ; Why, naughty girl, your excellent papa has pledged But sins like these one expiates at half-a-crown your hand apiece. To a promising young robber, the lieutenant of his band " Girls will be girls - you're very young, and flighty in your mind ; Old heads upon young shoulders we must not ex- « This dreadful piece of news will pain your worthy pect to find parents so ! We must n't be too hard upon these little girlish They are the most remunerative customers I know; tricks - For many many years they've kept starvation from Let 's see - five crimes at half-a-crown - exactly my doors, twelve-and-six ." I never knew so criminal a family as yours

'c Oh, father," little Alice cried, "your kindness " The common country folk in this insipid neigh- makes me weep, borhood You do these little things for me so singularly Have nothing to confess, they're so ridiculously cheap -- good ; Your thoughtful liberality I never can forget ; And if you marry any one respectable at all, But O there is another crime I have n't mentioned Why, you'll reform, and what will then become yet of Father Paul?" 1 1041 Io5

B Nonsense fInthology 1I Nonsense fInthology

The worthy priest, he up and drew his cowl upon And pretty little Alice grew more settled in her his crown, mind, And started off in haste to tell the news to Robber She nevermore was guilty of a weakness of the Brown ; kind, To tell him how his daughter, who now was for Until at length good Robber Brown bestowed her marriage fit, pretty hand Had winked upon a sorter, who reciprocated it. On the promising young robber, the lieutenant of his band . Good Robber Brown, he muffed up his anger W. S. Gilhert. pretty well, He said, C' I have a notion, and that notion I will tell ; I will nab this gay young sorter, terrify him into THE STORY OF PRINCE AGIB fits, And get my gentle wife to chop him into little bits. TRIKE the concertina's melancholy string! "I've studied human nature, and I know a thing Blow the spirit-stirring harp like any thing! or two, r S Let the piano's martial blast Though a girl may fondly love a living gent, as Rouse the Echoes of the Past, many do- f For of Agib, Prince of Tartary, I sing! A feeling of disgust upon her senses there will fall When she looks upon his body chopped particularly Of Agib, who amid Tartaric scenes, small." Wrote a lot of ballet-music in his teens His gentle spirit rolls He traced that gallant sorter to a still suburban In the melody of souls - square ; Which is pretty, but I don't know what it means He watched his opportunity and seized him un- aware ; Of Agib, who could readily, at sight, He took a life-preserver and he hit him on the Strum a march upon the loud Theodolite : head, He would diligently play And Mrs. Brown dissected him before she went to On the Zoetrope all day, bed. And blow the gay Pantechnicon all night. i o6 ] 107 1

1I Nonsense 4nthology .d Nonsense 4nthology

One winter -I am shaky in my dates- He gave them money, more than they could Came two starving minstrels to his gates, count, Oh, Allah be obeyed, Scent, from a most ingenious little fount, How infernally they played More beer, in little kegs, I remember that they called themselves the" Oiiaits." Many dozen hard-boiled eggs, And goodies to a fabulous amount. Oh! that day of sorrow, misery, and rage, I shall carry to the Catacombs of Age, Now follows the dim horror of my tale, Photographically lined And I feel I'm growing gradually pale, On the tablet of my mind, For, even at this day, When a yesterday has faded from its page Though its sting has passed away, When I venture to remember it, I quail Alas! Prince Agib went and asked them in! Gave them beer, and eggs, and sweets, and scents. The elder of the brothers gave a squeal, and tin. All-overish it made me for to feel And when (as snobs would say " Oh Prince," he says, says he, They " put it all away," « If a Prince indeed you be, He requested them to tune up and begin. I've a mystery I 'm going to reveal

Though its icy horror chill you to the core, '1 Oh, listen, if you 'd shun a horrid death, I will tell you what I never told before, To what the gent who's speaking to you, saith The consequences true No I Oiiaits' in truth are we, Of that awful interview, As you fancy that we be, For I listened at the key-hole in the door For (ter-remble) I am Aleck-this is Beth!"

They played him a sonata-let me see! Said Agib, " Oh ! accursed of your kind, ~~ Medulla oblongata " - key of G. I have heard that you are men of evil mind ! " Then they began to sing Beth gave a dreadful shriek - That extremely lovely thing, But before he'd time to speak " Scherzando ! ma non troppo, ppp." I was mercilessly collared from behind. I o8 ..1

,1 Nonsense 4nthology j Nonsense Inthology

In number ten or twelve or even more, " Tell me whither I may hie me, tell me, dear They fastened me, full length upon the floor. one, that I may know- On my face extended flat ~ ' Is it up the highest Andes ? down a horrible I was walloped with a cat volcano ? " For listening at the key-hole of the door. Oh ! the horror of that agonizing thrill ! But she said, " It is n't polar bears, or hot vol- (I can feel the place in frosty weather still). canic grottoes, For a week from ten to four Only find out who it is that writes those lovely I was fastened to the floor, cracker mottoes." While a mercenary wopped me with a will! They branded me, and broke me on a wheel, Seven weary years I wandered-Patagonia, China, And they left me in an hospital to heal ; Norway, And, upon my solemn word, Till at last I sank exhausted, at a pastrycook his I have never never heard doorway . What those Tartars bad determined to reveal. But that day of sorrow, misery, and rage, i And he chirped and sang and skipped about, and I shall carry to the Catacombs of Age, laughed with laughter hearty, Photographically lined He was wonderfully active for so very stout a On the tablet of my mind, party. When a yesterday has faded from its page ! W. S. Gilbert, And I said, " Oh, gentle pieman, why so very, very merry ? FERDINANDO AND ELVIRA, OR Is it purity of conscience, or your one-and-seven sherry ? " THE GENTLE PIEMAN

OVE .you ? " said I, then I sighed, and * then " Then I polish all the silver which a supper-table I gazed upon her sweetly- lacquers ; For I think I do this sort of thing particu- Then I write the pretty mottoes which you find larly neatly - inside the crackers ." IIo] I III

.R Nonsense zYnthology 14 Nonsense 14nthology

"Found at last! " I madly shouted. " Gentle From the ranks, one day, cried Private James, pieman, you astound me!" 'c Oh ! Major-General John, Then I waved the turtle soup enthusiastically I 've doubts of our respective names, round me. My mournful mind upon. And I shouted and I danced until he'd quite a crowd around him, « A glimmering thought occurs to me, And I rushed away, exclaiming, ~~ I have found (Its source I can't unearth, him! I have found him! " But I 've a kind of notion we W. S. Gilbert. Were cruelly changed at birth.

" I 've a strange idea, each other's names GENERAL JOHN That we have each got on. Such things have been," said Private James. HE bravest names for fire and flames, « They have! " sneered General John. And all that mortal durst, T Were General John and Private James, Of the Sixty-seventy-first. " My General John, I swear upon My oath I think it is so - " General John was a soldier tried, « Pish ! " proudly sneered his General John, A chief of warlike dons ; And he also said « Ho ! ho ! " A haughty stride and a withering pride Were Major-General John. '~ My General John ! my General John! A sneer would play on his martial phiz, My General John! " quoth he, Superior birth to show ; « This aristocratical sneer upon " Pish ! " was a favorite word of his, Your face I blush to see. And he often said '1 Ho ! ho! " Full-Private James described might be, 6' No truly great or generous cove As a man of mournful mind ; ! Deserving of them names No characteristic trait had he Would sneer at a fixed idea that's drove Of any distinctive kind . In the mind of a Private James! " IIz ] % 1 1 II3 Nonsense lInthology 11 Nonsense Inthology

Said General John, « Upon your claims Says gorging Jack to guzzling Jimmy, No need your breath to waste ; I am extremely hungaree." If this is a joke, Full-Private James, To gorging Jack says guzzling Jimmy, It's a joke of doubtful taste. " We've nothing left, us must eat we."

~~ But being a man of doubtless worth, Says gorging Jack to guzzling Jimmy, If you feel certain quite El With one another we shouldn't agree That we were probably changed at birth, There's little Bill, he's young and tender, I'll venture to say you're right." We're old and tough, so let's eat he."

So General John as Private James ~~ O Billy! we're going to kill and eat you, Fell in, parade upon ; So undo the button of your chemie." And Private James, by change of names, When Bill received this information, Was Major-General John. He used his pocket-handkerchie. W. S. Gilbert 4' First let me say my catechism, Which my poor mother taught to me." " Make haste! make haste! " says guzzling Jimmy, LITTLE BILLEE While Jack pulled out his snicker-snee.

Then Bill went up to the main-top-gallant-mast, HERE were three sailors of Bristol City And down he fell on his bended knee, Who took a boat and went to sea, He scarce had come to the Twelfth Commandment. But first with beef and captain's biscuits, When up he jumps - 11 There's land I see! " TAnd pickled pork they loaded she. 'Jerusalem and Jack, and guzzling Jimmy, Madagascar, There was gorging And North and South Amerikee, And the youngest he was little Billee. There's the far the Equator, British flag a-riding at anchor, Now when they'd got as as With Admiral Napier, K.C.B." They'd nothing left but one split pea. 1 '51 [ 114 ] 1 1I Nonsense Inthology fI Nonsense f4nthology

So when they got aboard of the Admiral's, De win' she blow from nor'-eas'-wes', - He hanged fat Jack and flogged Jimmee, De sout' win' she blow too, But as for little Bill, he made him W'en Rosie cry, '1 Mon cher captinne, The captain of a Seventy-three . Mon cher, w'at I shall do ? " Den de captinne Crow de big ankerre, W. M. Thackeray. But still de scow she dreef, De crew he can't pass on de shore, Becos he los' hees skeef.

THE WRECK OF THE , JULIE De night was dark lak wan black cat, De wave run high an' fas', PLANTE " *` W'en de captinne tak' de Rosie girl An' tie her to de mas'. Den he also tak' de life preserve, ON wan dark night on Lac St. Pierre, An' jomp off on de lak', De win' she blow, blow, blow, An' say, 1' Good-by, ma Rosie dear, An' de crew of de wood scow "Julie Plante " I go down for your sak'." Got scar't an' run below - For de win' she blow lak hurricane ; Nex' morning very early Bimeby she blow some more, 'Bout ha'f-pas' two - t'ree - four - An' de scow bus' up on Lac St. Pierre De captinne - scow - an' de poor Rosie Wan arpent from de shore. Was corpses on de shore. For de win' she blow lak' hurricane, De captinne walk on de fronte deck, Bimeby she blow some more, An' walk de hin' deck too - An' de scow, bus' up on Lac St. Pierre, He call de crew from up de hole, Wan arpent from de shore. He call de cook also. De cook she's name was Rosie, MORAL She come from Montreal, Was chambre maid on lumber barge, Now all good wood scow sailor man On de Grande Lachine Canal. Tak' warning by dat storm An' go an' marry some nice French girl * By permission of G. P. Putnam's Sons i from 11 The Habitant," copyright, i8g7, An' live on wan beeg farm. f4 Nonsense 4nthology fl Nonsense l4nthology

De win' can blow lak' hurricane right An' s'pose she blow some more, And across the tiller head The horse it ran apace, You can't get drown on Lac St. Pierre Whereon a So long you stay on shore. traveller hitched and sped Along the jib and vanished William H. Drummond. To heave the trysail brace.

THE SHIPWRECK What ship could live in such a sea ? What vessel bear the shock ? '~ Ho! starboard port PON the poop the captain stands, your helm-a-lee ! may Ho! reef the maintop-gallant-tree, U As starboard as be ; With many a running And pipes on deck the topsail hands block!" To reef the topsail-gallant strands Across the briny sea. And right upon the Scilly Isles The ship had run aground ; Ho! splice the anchor under-weigh! " When lo! the stalwart Captain Giles The captain loudly cried ; Mounts up upon the gaff and smiles, Ho ! lubbers brave, belay ! belay And slews the compass round. For we must luff for Falmouth Bay Before to-morrow's tide." "Saved ! saved ! " with joy the sailors cry, The good ship was a racing yawl, And scandalize the skiff ; A spare-rigged schooner sloop, As taut and hoisted high and dry Athwart the bows the taffrails all They see the ship unstoppered lie In grummets gay appeared to fall, Upon the sea-girt cliff. To deck the mainsail poop. And since that day in Falmouth Bay, But ere they made the Foreland Light, As herring-fishers trawl, And Deal was left behind, The younkers hear the boatswains say The wind it blew great gales that night, How Captain Giles that awful day And blew the doughty captain tight, Preserved the sinking yawl. Full three sheets in the wind. E. H. Palmsr. 1 118 1

fl Nonsense rInthology 11 Nonsense 4nthology

"' Oh, if the quadrant's lost a hand, ! And the sextant falls so low, A SAILOR'S YARN Its our body and bones to Davy Jones This night are bound to go. .Ar narrated by the second mate to one of the marines. I

HIS is the tale that was told to me, " 1 Oh, fly aloft to the garboard-strake, By a battered and shattered son of the sea And reef the spanker boom, TTo me and my messmate, Silas Green, Bend a stubbing sail on the martingale When I was a guileless young marine. To give her weather room.

6 11 'T was the good ship Gyacutus,' Oh, boatswain, down in the for'ard hold All in the China seas ; What water do you find ? ' With the wind a lee, and the capstan free, 4 Four foot and a half by the royal gaff To catch the summer breeze. And rather more behind.'

'T was Captain Porgie on the deck To the mate in the mizzen hatch, "" Oh, sailors, collar your marline spikes While the boatswain bold, in the for'ard hold, And each belaying pin ; Was winding his larboard watch . Come, stir your stumps to spike the pumps, Or more will be coming in.' 11 1 Oh, how does our good ship head to-night ? How heads our gallant craft ?' 111 They stirred their stumps, they spiked the pumps I Oh, she heads to the E. S. W. by N. They spliced the mizzen brace ; And the binnacle lies abaft .' Aloft and slow they worked, but, oh The water gained apace. '1 1 Oh, what does the quadrant indicate ? And how does the sextant stand ?' They bored a hole below her line I 11 Oh, the sextant 's down to the freezing point the water out, And the quadrant's lost a hand.' To let But more and more with awful roar * By permission of Houghton, Mifflin & Co . i from " Ballads of Blue Water," copyright, 1895 . The water in did spout. 121 120

Nonsense anthology 4 Nonsense ~4nthology

11 Then up spoke the cook of our gallant ship And he was a lubber brave - THE WALLOPING WINDOW- ' I 've several wives in various ports, BLIND And my life I'd like to save.' CAPITAL ship for an ocean trip - "Then up spoke the captain of marines, Was the " Walloping Window-blind " Who dearly loved his prog : No gale that blew dismayed her crew ' It's awful to die, and it's worse to be dry, Or troubled the captain's mind. And I move we pipes to grog.' The man at the wheel was taught to feel Contempt for the wildest blow, " Oh, then 't was the gallant second-mate And it often appeared, when the weather had As stopped them sailors' jaw, cleared, 'T was the second-mate whose hand had weight That he'd been in his bunk below. In laying down the law. The boatswain's mate was very sedate, "He took Yet fond of amusement, too ; the anchor on his back, watch, And leapt into the main ; And he played hop-scotch with the starboard tickled the crew. Through foam and spray he clove his way, While the captain And sunk, and rose again. And the gunner we had was apparently mad, For he sat on the after rail, "Through foam and spray a league away And fired salutes with the captain's boots, The anchor stout he bore, In the teeth of the booming gale. Till, safe at last, I made it fast, commodore's hat And warped the The captain sat in a ship ashore." And dined in a royal way On toasted pigs and pickles and figs This is the tale that was told to me, bread each day. By that And gummery modest and truthful son of the sea. the cook was Dutch and behaved as such And I envy the life of a second But mate, For the food that he gave the crew Though captains curse him and sailors hate ; Was a number of tons of hot-cross buns For he ain't like some of the swabs I've seen, Chopped up with sugar and glue. As would go and lie to a poor marine. * By permission of the author ; from " Davy and the Goblins" 7. J. Rorbe. copyright, 1884, 1885, by the Century Co . i 1885, by Ticknor & Co. 1 123

,4 Nonsense 4nthology 11 Nonsense 4nthology

And we all felt ill as mariners will, On a diet that's cheap and rude ; And we shivered and shook as we dipped the cook THE ROLLICKING MASTODON In a tub of his gluesome food. Then nautical pride we laid aside, ROLLICKING Mastodon lived in Spain, And we cast the vessel ashore A In the trunk of a Tranquil Tree. his jocular vein On the Gulliby Isles, where the Poohpooh smiles, His face was plain, but And the Anagazanders roar. Was a burst of the wildest glee. His voice was strong and his laugh so long many a mile, Composed of sand was that That people came favored land, to pay a guinea a day And trimmed with cinnamon straws ; And offered For the fractional part of a smile. And pink and blue was the pleasing hue Of the Tickletoeteaser's claws. The Rollicking Mastodon's laugh was wide- And we sat on the edge of a sandy ledge a matter of family pride ; And shot Indeed, 't was at the whistling bee ; oh! so proud of his jocular vein And the Binnacle-bats And wore water-proof hats Was the Rollicking Mastodon over in Spain. As they danced in the sounding sea. The Rollicking Mastodon said one day, On rubagub bark, from dawn to dark ` « I feel that I need some air, We fed, till we all had grown For a little ozone 's a tonic for bones, Uncommonly shrunk, -when a Chinese junk As well as a gloss for the hair." Came by from the torriby zone. So he skipped along and warbled a song She was stubby and square, but we did n't much car In his own triumphulant way . And we cheerily skip was light put to sea ; 1 His smile was bright and his And we left the crew of the junk to chew As he chirruped his roundelay . The bark of the rubagub tree. The Rollicking Mastodon tripped along, Charles E. Carry4 And sang what Mastodons call a song ; But every note of it seemed to pain The Rollicking Mastodon over in Spain. By permission of Lothrop Publishing Company ; from "Wide Awake," copyright. 1 1241

fl finthology Nonsense 4nthology Nonsense

A Little Peetookle came over the hill, THE SILVER QUESTION Dressed up in a bollitant coat ; And he said, " You need some harroway seed, HE Sun appeared so smug and bright, And a little advice for your throat." One day, that I made bold The Mastodon smiled and said, « My child, T To ask him what he did each night There 's a chance for your taste to grow. With all his surplus gold. If you polish your mind, you 'll certainly find How little, how little you know." He flushed uncomfortably red, And would not meet my eye. The Little Peetookle, his teeth he ground c' I travel round the world," he said, At the Mastodon's singular sense of sound ; « And travelling rates are high." For he felt it a sort of a musical stain With frigid glance I pierced him through. On the Rollicking Mastodon over in Spain. He squirmed and changed his tune. Said he : 1' 1 will be frank with you Alas! and alas ! has it come to this pass ? " I lend it to the Moon. Said the Little Peetookle. "Dear me It certainly seems your horrible screams Poor thing! You know she's growing old Intended for music must be! " And has n't any folk. The Mastodon stopped, his ditty he dropped, She suffers terribly from cold, And murmured, « Good morning, my dear! And half the time she's broke." I never will sing to a sensitive thing That shatters a song with a sneer!" That evening on the beach I lay Behind a lonely dune, The Rollicking Mastodon bade him « adieu." And as she rose above the bay Of course 't was a sensible thing to do ; I buttonholed the Moon. For Little Peetookle is spared the strain 11 Tell me about that gold," said I. Of the Rollicking Mastodon over in Spain. I saw her features fall. r4rtbur Macy. « You see, it 's useless to deny ; The Sun has told me all." *' By permission of the author ; from the °' Century Magazine," Copyright, igoi . r I27 1 12 6 ] L

" Sir! " she exclaimed, " how can you try An honest Moon this way ? THE SINGULAR SANGFROID OF As for the gold, I put it by Against a rainy day." BABY BUNTING

I smiled and shook my head. " All right, ARTHOLOMEW Benjamin Bunting If you must know," said she, Had only three passions in life, " I change it into silver bright B And one of the trio was hunting, Wherewith to tip the Sea. The others his babe and his wife . And always, so rigid his habits, until two, " He is so faithful and so good, He frolicked at home A most deserving case ; And then started hunting for rabbits, the dew. If he should leave, I fear it would And hunted till fall of Be hard to fill his place." Belinda Bellonia Bunting, Thus widowed for half of the day, When asked if they accepted tips, Her duty maternal confronting, The waves became so rough ; With baby would patiently play. I thought of those at sea in ships, When thus was her energy wasted, And felt I 'd said enough. A patented food she'd dispense. (She had bought it the day that they pasted For if one virtue I have learned, The posters all over her fence.) 'T is tact ; so I forbore To press the matter, though I burned But Bonaparte Buckingham Bunting, To ask one question more. The infant thus blindly adored, Replied to her worship by grunting, bored. I hate a scene, and do not wish Which showed he was brutally To 'T was little he cared for the troubles be mixed up in gales, sands, But, oh, I longed to ask the Of life. Like a crab on the Fish little mouth he blew bubbles, Whence came their silver scales From his sweet And threatened the air with his hands. Oliver Herfora. ' By permission of Harper & Brothers i from " Mother Goose for Grown-ups," copyright, igoo. 1 128 ] [91 C 129

.4 Nonsense ~4nthology .I Nonsense fInthology

Bartholomew Benjamin Bunting And colics ? He constantly has 'em One night, as his wife let him in, 10 So long as his food is the best, Produced as the fruit of his hunting But he'll swallow with never a spasm A cottontail's velvety skin, What ostriches couldn't digest. Which, seeing young Bonaparte wriggle, Guy Wetmore Carryl. He gave him without a demur, And the babe with an aqueous giggle He swallowed the whole of the fur

Belinda Bellonia Bunting FAITHLESS NELLY GRAY Behaved like a consummate loon Her offspring in frenzy confronting EN BATTLE was a soldier bold, She screamed herself mottled maroon And used to war's alarms She felt of his vertebrx spinal, a cannon-ball took off his legs, Expecting But he'd surely succumb, BSo he laid down his arms! And gave him one vigorous, final, Hard prod in the pit of his turn . Now, as they bore him off the field, shoot, But Bonaparte Buckingham Bunting, Said he, " Let others At first but For here I leave my second leg, a trifle perplexed, " By a change in his manner of grunting And the Forty-second Foot! Soon showed he was horribly vexed . He displayed not a sign of repentance The army surgeons made him limbs But spoke, in a dignified tone, Said he, 1' They're only pegs ; The only consecutive sentence But there's as wooden members quite, He uttered. 'T was : « Lemme alone." As represent my legs ! "

The Moral : The parent that uses Now Ben he loved a pretty maid, Precaution his folly regrets Her name was Nelly Gray ; An infant gets all that he chooses, So he went to pay her his devours An infant chews all that he gets. When he'd devoured his pay! 1 30 1 E 1 3 1 1

11 Nonsen .), fInthology fl Nonsense fInthology But when he called on Nelly Gray, quite a scoff; " Oh, false and fickle Nelly Gray ; She made him I know why you refuse And when she saw his wooden legs, them Though I've no feet -some other man Began to take off! Is standing in my shoes !

~~ O Nelly Gray! O Nelly Gray! Is this your love so warm ? "I wish I ne'er had seen your face ; The love that loves a scarlet coat, But now a long farewell Should be more uniform! " For you will be my death - alas ! You will not be my Nell ! "

Said she, 111 loved a soldier once, For he was blithe and brave ; Now, when he went from Nelly Gray, man His heart so heavy got- But I will never have a And life With both legs in the grave was such a burden grown, It made him take a knot

"Before you had those timber toes, Your love I did allow, So round his melancholy neck 3ut then you know, you stand upon A rope he did entwine, Another footing now! " And, for his second time in life Enlisted in the Line !

« O Nelly Gray! O Nelly Gray For all your jeering speeches, One end he tied around a beam, At duty's call I left my legs And then removed his pegs, In Badajos's breaches ! " And as his legs were off,-of course, He soon was off his legs

cc cc Why, then," said she, you've lost the feet And there he hung till he was dead Of legs in war's alarms, As any nail in town, - And now you cannot wear your shoes For though distress had cut him up, of arms ! " Upon your feats It could not cut him down [ 132 [ 1 331 Nonsense -4nthology ,1 Nonsense 1lnthology

A dozen men sat on his corpse, His head being thicker than common, o'er-balanced To find out why he died - the rest of his fat ; And they buried Ben in four cross-roads, And in plumped this son of a woman to follow his With a stake in his inside wig, cane, and hat . Thomas Hood. George Canning .

THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN

the side of a murmuring stream an elderly BY gentleman sat. MALUM OPUS On the top of his head was a wig, and a-top of his wig was his hat. ROPE ripam fluvii solus A senex silently sat ; wind it blew high and blew strong, as the Super capitum ecce his wig, elderly gentleman sat ; PEt wig super, ecce his hat. And bore from his head in a trice, and plunged in the river his hat. Blew Zephyrus alte, acerbus, The gentleman then took his cane which lay by Dum elderly gentleman sat ; his side as he sat ; Et a capite took up quite torve And he dropped in the river his wig, in attempting Et in rivum projecit his hat. to get out his hat. Tune soft maledixit the old man, His breast it grew cold with despair, and full in his Tunc stooped from the bank where he sat eye madness sat ; Et cuni scipio poked in the water, So he flung in the river his cane to swim with his Conatus servare his hat . wig, and his hat. Cool reflection at last came across while this Blew Zephyrus alte, acerbus, elderly gentleman sat ; The moment it saw him at that ; So he thought he would follow the stream and look Et whisked his novum scratch wig for his cane, wig, and hat. In flumen, along with his hat. [ 134 [ 135 Nonsense 4nthology fl Nonsense Inthology

Ab imo pectore damnavit Me wretched ! Let me curr to quercine shades In cceruleus eye dolor sat ; Effund your albid hausts, lactiferous maids Tunc despairingly threw in his cane Oh, might I vole to some umbrageous chump, Nare cum his wig and his hat. Depart, - be off, - excede, - evade, -erump ! O. if! Holmsr. L'ENvo1 Contra bonos mores, don't swear West wicked you know (verbum sat), Si this tale habet no other moral A HOLIDAY TASK Mehercle! You're gratus to that Air - 7ullien' .c Polka .7amer 1lppleton Morgan . UI nunc dancere vult modo Wants to dance in the fashion, oh ! .XSTIVATION Discere debet -ought to know, Kickere floor cum heel et toe N candent ire the solar splendor flames ; One, two three, Hop with me, The foles, languescent, pend from arid rames ; His humid front the Give, anheling, wipes, Whirligig, twirligig, rapide. AndI dreams of erring on ventiferous ripes. Polkam jungere, Virgo, vis, Polka, Miss ? How dulce to vive occult to mortal eyes, Will you join the Dorm on the herb with none to Liberius - most willingly. supervise, us try Carp the suave berries from the crescent vine, Sic agimus - then let And bibe the flow from longicaudate kine. Nunc vide Skip with me, To me also, no verdurous visions come Whirlabout, roundabout, celere. Save you exiguous pool's confervascum, - No concave vast repeats the tender Turn la=va cito, turn dextra hue left, and then t' other way ; That laves my milk-jug with celestial blue. First to the Aspice retro in vultu, By permission of Houghton, Mifflin & Co ., authorized publishers . You look at her, and she looks at you. C 13 6 1 [ 1 37 1

fl Nonsense flnthology .I Nonsense ~Inthology

Das palmam, Signes dures pour les deux, Change hands ma'am Petit Jean et sa sceur Sue, Celere-run away, just in sham. Et la peche d'une verdante hue, Gilbert 14bbott a Becket. Qui fleurit, qui fleurit, Attendez a mon narration triste PUER EX JERSEY 1lnonymour. UER ex Jersey lens ad school ; Vidit in meadow, MONSIEUR McGINTE PInfestum mule.

Ille approaches ONSIEUR McGinte allait en bas jusqu'au O magnus sorrow! fond du mer, Puer it skyward. Its ne font pas encore trouve Funus ad morrow. Je crois qu'il est certainement mouille. Monsieur McGinte, je le repete, allait jusqu'au MORAL fond du mer, Qui vidit a thing Habille dans sa meilleure costume. Non ei well-known, Inonymms. Est bene for him Relinqui id alone. Anonymous . YE LAYE OF YE WOODPECKORE THE LITTLE PEACH

T THE petite peche dans un orchard fleurit, Picus Erythrocephalus Attendez a mon narration triste U Une petite peche verdante fleurit. WHITHER goest thou, pale student UGrace a chaleur de soleil, et moisture de miste. O Within the wood so fur? Il fleurit, il fleurit, Art on the chokesome cherry bent? Attendez a mon narration triste Dost seek the chestnut burr ? [ 1 3 8 ] 1 39

fl Nonsense flnthology 11 Nonsense 4nthology

Pale Student. What though a score of acorns drop And squirrels' fur be red 1 O it is not for the mellow chestnut 'T is not so ruddy as thy top - That I so far am come, So scarlet as thy head. Nor yet for puckery cherries, but For Cypripedium. O rarely blooms the Cypripe- dium upon its stalk ; And like a torch it shines to me A blossom hangs the choke-cherry Adown the dark wood-walk. And eke the chestnut burr, And thou a silly fowl must be, Thou O joy to pluck it from the ground, red-head wood-pecker. To view the purple sac, To touch the sessile stigma's round- Picus Erythrocephalus And shall I then turn back ? Turn back, turn back, thou pale student, Erythrocephalus Nor in the forest go ; Picus There lurks beneath his bosky tent O black and shining is the log The deadly mosquito, k That feeds the sumptuous weed, Nor stone is found nor bedded log Where foot may well proceed. And there the wooden-chuck doth tread, And from the oak-tree's top Midmost it glimmers in the mire The red, red squirrels on thy head Like Jack o' Lanthorn's spark, The frequent acorn drop. Lighting, with phosphorescent fire, The green umbrageous dark. Pale Student. The wooden-chuck is next of kin There while thy thirsty glances drink Unto the wood-pecker The fair and baneful plant, I fear not thine ill-boding din, Thy shoon within the ooze shall sink And why should I fear her ? And eke thine either pant. F 140 ] IV .4' Nonsense .4nihology fl Nonsense -4nthology

Pale Student. The wood-peck turned to whet her beak, The student heard her drum, Give o'er, give o'er, thou wood-peckore ; he went to seek The bark upon the As through the wood tree, The Cypripedium. Thou, at thy will, mayst peck and bore But peck and bore not me. Alas! and for that pale student The evening bell did ring, Full two long hours I've searched about the Freshmen went And 't And down the walk would in sooth be rum, the prayer-meeting ; If I should now go back without Unto The Cypripedidm. Upon the fence loud rose the song, tea was o'er - Picus Erythrocephalus The weak, weak Ha! who is he that sneaks along Farewell ! Farewell ! But this I tell Into South Middle's door ? To thee, thou pale student, Ere dews have fell, thou'lt rue it well The mud was on his shoon, and O That woodward thou didst went The briar was in his thumb, His staff was in his hand but no - Then whilst thou blows the drooping nose No Cypripedium. Henry fl . Beers. And wip'st the pensive eye - There where the sad symplocarpusfa-tidus grows, Then think -O think of I COLLUSION BETWEEN A ALE- Loud flouted there that student Wight GAITER AND A WATER-SNAIK Solche warnynge for to hear ; ~~ I scorn, old hen, thy threats of might, HERE is a niland on a river lying, And eke thine ill grammere. Which runs into Gautimaly, a warm country, Lying near the Tropicks, covered with sand ; " Go peck the lice (or green or red) THear and their a symptum of a Wilow, That swarm the bass-wood tree, of its umberagious limbs & branches But Hanging wag no more thine addled head Over the clear streme meandering far below. Nor clack thy tongue at me." This was thq home of the now silent Alegaiter, 1 42 [ 1 431 A ,1 Nonsense Znthology .4 Nonsense llnthology

When not in his other element confined Before the Alegaiter well could ope Here he wood set upon his eggs asleep His eye (in other words perceive his danger) With i ey observant of flis and other passing The Snaik had enveloped his body just 1q Objects : a while it kept a going on so Times with 11 foalds voluminous and vast" (from Fereles of danger was the happy Alegaiter ! Milton) But a ]as ! in a nevil our he was fourced to And had tore off several scails in the confusion, Wake! that dreme of Blis was two sweet for him. Besides squeazing him awfully into his stomoc . i morning the sun arose with unusool splender just then, by a fortinate turn in his affairs, Whitch allso did our Alegaiter, coming from the He ceazed into his mouth the careless tale water, Of the unreflecting water-snaik ! Grown desperate His scails a flinging of the rais of the son back, He, finding that his tale was fast squesed To the fountain-head which tha originly sprung Terrible while they roaled all over the iland. from, But having not had nothing to eat for some time, he It was a well-conduckted Affair ; no noise Was slepy and gap'd, in a short time, widely. Disturbed the harmony of the seen, ecsept Unfoalding soon a welth of perl-white teth, Onct when a Willow was snaped into by the roaling. The rais of the son soon shet his sinister ey Eeach of the combatence hadn't a minit for holering. Because of their mutool splendor and warmth. So the conflick was naterally tremenjous The evil Our (which I sed) was now come ; But soon by grate force the tail was bit complete- Evidently a good chans for a water-snaik Ly of ; but the eggzeration was too much Of the large specie, which soon appeared For his delicate Constitootion ; he felt a compres- Into the horison, near the bank where reposed sion Calmly in slepe the Alegaiter before spoken of. Onto his chest and generally over his body ; About 6o feet was his Length (not the 'gaiter) When he ecspressed his breathing, it was with And he was aperiently a well-proportioned snaik. Grate difficulty that he felt inspired again onct more. When he was all ashore he glared upon Of course this state must suffer a revolootion . The iland with approval, but was soon So the alegaiter give but one yel, and egspired. Astonished with the view and lost to wonder" The water-snaik realed hisself off, & survay'd (from Wats) For say io minits, the condition of (For jest then he began to see the Alegaiter) His fo : then wondering what made his tail hurt, Being a nateral enemy of his'n, he worked hisself He slowly went off for to cool. Into a fury, also a ni position. 7. W. Morrif. C 144 1 [1451

.l Nonsense 4nthology Nonsense Inthotogy

ODD TO A KROKIS SOME VERSES TO SNAIX

ELESTIAL apoley which Didest inspire. RODIGGUS reptile! long and skaly kuss ! the souls of burns and pop with sackred fir. You are the dadrattedest biggest thing I ever S Kast thy Mantil over me When i shal sing. Seed that cud tv itself into a double bo- the praiz Of A sweat flower who grows in spring Not,P and cum all strate again in a Which has of late kome under the Fokis. Minnit or so, without winkin or seemin of My eyes. It is called a krokis. To experience any particular pane Sweat lovly prety littil sweat Thing. In the diafram. you bloometh before The lairicks on High sing. thy lefs are neithir Red Nor yelly. Stoopenjus inseck ! marvelous annimile but just betwixt the two you hardy felly. You are no doubt seven thousand yeres Old, and hav a considerable of a Family sneekin round thru the tall i fear youl yet be Nippit with the frost. Gras in Africa, a eetin up little greezy As Maney a one has known to there kost. Niggers, and wishin they was biggir. you should have not kome out in such a hurrey. As this is only the Month of Febrywurrey. I wonder how big yu was when yu and you may expick yet Much bad wethir. Was a inphant about 2 fete long. I when all your blads will krunkil up like Burnt Expec yu was a purty good size, and leather. Lived on phrogs, and lizzerds, and polly- alas. alas. theres Men which tries to rime. Wogs and sutch things. who have like you kome out befor there time. The Moril of My peese depend upon it. You are havin' a nice time now, ennyhow- is good so here i End my odd or sonit. Don't have nothing to do but lay oph. Jnonymous, And ete kats and rabbits, and stic Out yure tung and twist yur tale. I wonder if yu ever swollered a man Without takin oph his butes . If there was Brass buttins on his kote, I spose [ 1 47 1

.1 Nonsense 1lnthology fl Nonsense Inthology

Yu had ter swaller a lot of buttin- His bounty in exalted strain Wholes, and a shu-hamer to nock Each bard might well display The soals oph of the boots and drive in Since none implor'd relief in vain The tax, so that they would n't kut yure - That went reliev'd away . Inside. I wunder if vittles taste Good all the way down . I expec so - And hark! I hear the tuneful throng ; At leest, fur 6 or 7 fete. His obsequies forbid. He still shall live, shall live as long You are so mighty long, I shud thynk -As ever dead man did . If your tale was kold, yure hed Woodent no it till the next day, Oliver Gold mith. But it 's hard to tell : snaix is snaix. 14nanymow. AN ELEGY

A GREAT MAN On the Glory of her Sex, Mrs. Mary Blaize

E muses, pour the pitying tear OOD people all, with one accord, For Pollio snatch'd away : Lament for Madam Blaize, G y For had he liv'd another year! Who never wanted a good word - - He had not dy'd to-day . From those who spoke her praise.

O, were he born to bless mankind, The needy seldom pass'd her door, In virtuous times of yore, And always found her kind ; Heroes themselves had fallen behind! She freely lent to all the poor - Whene'er he went before. Who left a pledge behind.

How sad the groves and plains appear, She strove the neighborhood to please And sympathetic sheep With manners wondrous winning ; Even pitying hills would drop a tear! And never follow'd wicked ways -If hills could learn to weep. Unless when she was sinning. E 1 48 1 [ 1 '+9 1 fI Nonsense lInthology fl Nonsense Inthology

At church, in silks and satins new, 'Gainst all the vices of the age With hoop of monstrous size, He manfully did battle ; She never slumber'd in her pew - His chickens were a biped breed, But when she shut her eyes. And quadruped his cattle. Her love was sought, I do aver, No clock more punctually went, By twenty beaux and more ; He ne'er delayed a minute- The King himself has follow'd her- Nor ever empty was his purse, When she has walk'd before. When he had money in it. But now, her wealth and finery fled, His piety was ne'er denied ; Her hangers-on cut short all ; His truths hit saint and sinner ; The doctors found, when she was dead- At morn he always breakfasted ; Her last disorder mortal. He always dined at dinner. grieved, Let us lament, in He ne'er by any luck was sorrow sore, By any care perplexed- For Kent Street well may say, when he preached, That had she No filcher he, though lived a twelvemonth more - He always " took " a text. She had not died to-day. Oliver Goldsmith. As faithful characters he drew As mortal ever saw ; But ah ! poor parson ! when he died, PARSON GRAY His breath he could not draw Oliver Goldsmith, QUIET home had Parson Gray, Secluded in a vale ; His daughters all were feminine, AN ELEGY ON THE DEATH OF AAnd all his sons were male. A MAD DOG How faithfully did Parson Gray OOD people all, of every sort, The bread of life dispense- Give ear unto my song ; Well « posted " in theology, G And if you find it wondrous short, - And post and rail his fence. It cannot hold you long. 150 1 L I5I

.4 Nonsense f4nthology R Nonsense 4nthology

In Islington there was a man, But soon a wonder came to light, Of whom the world might say That showed the rogues they lied ; That still a godly race he ran,- The man recovered of the bite, Whene'er he went to pray. The dog it was that died. Olivtr Goldrmitb. A kind and gentle heart he had, To comfort friends and foes ; The naked every day he clad, - THE WONDERFUL OLD MAN When he put on his clothes. HERE was an old man And in that town a dog was found, Who lived on a common As many dogs there be, And, if fame speaks true, Both mongrel, puppy, whelp, and hound, THe was born of a woman. And curs of low degree. Perhaps you will laugh, But for truth I 've been told infant The dog and man at first He once was an were friends ; Tho' age made him old. But when a pique began, The dog, to gain some private ends, Whene'er he was hungry Went mad, and bit the man. He longed for some meat ; And if he could get it Around from all the neighboring streets, 'T was said he would eat. The wondering neighbors ran, When thirsty he'd drink And swore the dog had lost his wits If you gave him a pot, To bite so good a man. And what he drank mostly Ran down his throat.

The wound it seemed both sore and sad He seldom or never To every Christian eye ; Could see without light, And while they swore the dog was mad And yet I 've been told he They swore the man would die. Could hear in the night. [1531

fl Nonsense f4nthology ,1 Nonsense 4nthology

He has oft been awake At last he fell sick, In the daytime, 't is said, As old chronicles tell, And has fallen asleep And then, as folks say, As he lay in his bed. He was not very well. But what was as strange 'T is reported his tongue In so weak a condition, Always moved when he talk'd, As he could not give fees And he stirred both his arms He could get no physician. And his legs when he walk'd ; And his gait was so odd What wonder he died Had you seen him you 'd burst, Yet 't is said that his death For one leg or t' other Was occasioned at last Would always be first. By the loss of his breath. But peace to his bones Which in ashes now moulder. His face was the drollest Had he lived a day longer That ever was seen, He 'd have been a day older. For if 't was not washed 1lnonymou.r. It seldom was clean ; His teeth he expos'd when He happened to grin, And his mouth stood across A CHRONICLE 'Twixt his nose and his chin. NCE-but no matter when When this whimsical chap There lived - no matter where - Had a river to pass, O A man, whose name -but then If he could n't get over I need not that declare. He stayed where he was. 'T is said he ne'er ventured He - well, he had been born, To quit the dry ground, And so he was alive ; Yet so great was his luck His age - I details scorn - He never was drowned . Was somethingty and five. [ 1 541 [ 1 551

fl Nonsense 4nthology .1 Nonsense 4nthology

He lived - how many years From dark oblivion's blow, I truly can't decide ; Some record of his lot But this one fact appears But, ah ! I do not know He lived - until he died. Who - where - when - why - or what.

MORAL « He died," I have averred, But cannot prove 't was so, In this brief pedigree But that he was interred, A moral we should find - At any rate, I know. But what it ought to be Has quite escaped my mind dfonymoxr. I fancy he 'd a son, I hear he had a wife Perhaps he 'd more than one, I know not, on my life! ON THE OXFORD CARRIER

But whether he was rich, ERE lieth one, who did most truly prove Or whether he was poor, That he could never die while he could Or neither- both - or which, H move ; I cannot say, I'm sure. So hung his destiny never to rot While he might still jog on and keep his trot ; I can't recall his name, Made of sphere metal, never to decay Until his revolution was at stay. Or what he used to do a crime But then - well, such Time numbers motion, yet (without is fame ! motion number'd out his time, 'T will so serve me and you. 'Gainst old truth And like an engine moved with wheel and weight, His principles being ceased, he ended straight. And that is why I thus, Rest, that gives all men life, gave him his death, About this unknown man And too much breathing put him out of breath ; Would fain create a fuss, Nor were it contradiction to affirm, To rescue, if I can. Too long -vacation hasten'd on his term. [ 156 [ 1 57] fl Nonsense fInthology ,1 Nonsense 4nthology

Merely to drive the time away he sicken'd, Are they looks of our lovers that lustrously lean Fainted, and died, nor would with ale be quicken'd ; from a marvel of mystic miraculous moon- 't Nay," quoth he, on his swooning bed outstretch'd, shine, 'c If I may n't carry, sure I 'll ne'er be fetch'd, These that we feel in the blood of our blushes But vow, though the cross doctors all stood hearers, that thicken and threaten with sobs from For one carrier put down to make six bearers." the throat ? Ease was his chief disease ; and to judge right, Thicken and thrill as a theatre thronged at appeal He died for heaviness that his cart went light of an actor's appalled agitation, His leisure told him that his time was come, Fainter with fear of the fires of the future than And lack of load made his life burdensome. pale with the promise of pride in the past ; That even to his last breath (there be that say't), Flushed with the famishing fulness of fever that As he were press'd to death, he cried, "More reddens with radiance of rathe recreation, weight ; " Gaunt as the ghastliest of glimpses that gleam But, had his doings lasted as they were, through the gloom of the gloaming when He had been an immortal carrier. ghosts go aghast ? Obedient to the moon he spent his date Nay, for the nick of the tick of the time is a trem- In course reciprocal, and had his fate ulous touch on the temples of terror, Link'd to the mutual flowing of the seas, Strained as the sinews yet strenuous with strife of Yet (strange to think his wane was his increase the dead who is dumb as the dust-heaps of His letters are deliver'd all, and gone, death Only remains the superscription . Surely no soul is it, sweet as the spasm of erotic john Milton. emotional exquisite error, Bathed in the balms of beatified bliss, beatific itself by beatitude's breath . Surely no spirit or sense of a soul that was soft to NEPHELIDIA the spirit and soul of our senses Sweetens the stress of suspiring suspicion that sobs ROM the depth of the dreamy decline of the in the semblance and sound of a sigh ; dawn through a notable nimbus of Only this oracle opens Olympian, in mystical F nebulous noonshine, moods and triangular tenses - Pallid and pink as the palm of the flag-flower that Life is the lust of a lamp for the light that is dark flickers with fear of the flies as they float, till the dawn of the day when we die. I58 J [ 1 59 ]

,I Nonsense 1Inthology 14 Nonsense ~4nthology

Mild is the mirk and monotonous music of mem- Shall the sea-storm declare it, or paint it, or smell ory melodiously mute as it may be, it ? Whiie the hope in the heart of a hero is bruised Shall the price of a slave be its treasure to by the breach of men's rapiers resigned to keep ? the rod ; When the night has grown near with the gems on Made meek as a mother whose bosom-beats bound her bosom, with the bliss-bringing bulk of a balm- When the white of mine eyes is the whiteness breathing baby, of snow, As they grope through the grave-yards of creeds, When the cabman-in liquor-drives a blue roan, under skies growing green at a groan for a kicker, the grimness of God . Into the land of the dear long ago. Blank is the book of his bounty beholden of old and its binding is blacker than bluer will come to me, fall Out of blue into black is the scheme of the skies, Ah ! - Ah, again! - You and their dews are the wine of the blood- on me - shed of things ; . You are so heavy, and I am so flat. Till the darkling desire of delight shall be And I ? I shall not be at home when you call on free me, as a fawn that is freed from the fangs that pursue her, But stray down the wind like a gentleman's Till the heart-beats of hell shall be hushed by hat a hymn from the hunt that has harried the I shall list to the stars when the music is purple, kernel of kings. Be drawn through a pipe, and exhaled into r4 C. Swinburne, rings ; in " The Heptalogia." Turn to sparks, and then straightway get stuck in the gateway That stands between speech and unspeakable MARTIN LUTHER AT POTSDAM things.

HAT lightning shall light it? What thun- As I mentioned before, by what light is it lighted ? der shall tell it ? Oh ! Is it fourpence, or piebald, or gray ? W In. the height of the height, in the depth Is it a mayor that a mother has knighted, of the deep ? Or is it a horse of the sun and the day ? [ r6o ] [ 11 ] [ I6I

Z Nonsense ~Inthology ~` 14 Nonsense 4nthology

Is it a pony? If so, who will change it ? I've tried with no meaning-to make 'em amends, O golfer, be quiet, and mark where it scuds, Sir - And think of its paces- of owners and races- And find that this kind's still more easy to write. Relinquish the links for the study of studs. The title has nothing to do with the verses, But think of the millions-the laborers who Not understood? Take me hence! Take me In busy employment find deepest enjoyment, yonder! And yet, like my title, have nothing to do Take me away to the land of my rest - Barry Pain. There where the Ganges and other gees wander, And uncles and antelopes act for the best, And all things are mixed and run into each other In a violet twilight of virtues and sins, COMPANIONS With the church-spires below you and no one to show you Where the curate leaves off and the pew-rent KNOW not of what we ponder'd begins ! Or made pretence to talk, As, her hand within mine, we wander'd In the black night through the rank grass the Tow'rd the pool by the limetree walk, snakes peer- While the dew fell in showers from the po.asmp The cobs and the cobras are partial to grass - flowers And a boy wanders out with a knowledge of And the blush-rose bent on her stalk. Shakespeare That's not often found in a boy of his class, I cannot recall her figure And a girl wanders out without any knowledge, Was it regal as ,Juno's own ? And a bird wanders out, and a cow wanders out, Or only a trifle bigger Likewise one wether, and they wander together - Than the elves who surround the throne There's a good deal of wandering lying about. Of the Faery Queen, and are seen, I weep, By mortals in dreams alone ? But it's all for the best ; I 've been told by my friends, Sir, What her eyes were like, I know not That in verses I'd written the meaning was Perhaps they were blurred with tears ; slight ; And perhaps in your skies there glow not [ 162 ] [ 16 31

11 Nonsense Inthology 11 Nonsense 1Inthology

(On the contrary) clearer spheres. Was I haply the lady's suitor? No ! as to her eyes I am just as wise Or her uncle ? I can't make out - As you or the cat, my dears. Ask your governess, dears, or tutor. For myself, I'm in hopeless doubt Her teeth, I presume, were 1' pearly " As to why we were there, and who on earth we But which was she, brunette or blonde ? were, Her hair, was it quaintly curly, And what this is all about. Or as straight as a beadle's wand ? C. S. Calverley. That I failed to remark ; - it was rather dark And shadowy round the pond .

Then the hand that reposed so snugly In mine-was it plump or spare? THE COCK AND THE BULL Was the countenance fair or ugly ? Nay, children, you have me there! My eyes were p'raps blurr'd ; and besides, I'd heard OU see this pebble-stone ? It's a thing I That it's horribly rude to stare. bought Y Of a bit of a chit of a boy i' the mid o' the And I-was I brusque and surly? day - Or oppressively bland and fond ? I like to dock the smaller parts-o-speech, Was I partial to rising early ? As we curtail the already cur-tailed cur Or why did we twain abscond, (You catch the paronomasia, play 'po' words ?) All breakfastless too, from the public view Did, rather, i' the pre-Landseerian days. To prowl by a misty pond ? Well, to my muttons. I purchased the concern, And clapt it i' my poke, having given for same By way o' chop, swop, barter or exchange- What passed, what was felt or spoken- '1 Chop " was my snickering dandiprat's own term - Whether anything passed at all - One shilling and fourpence, current coin o' the And whether the heart was broken realm. That beat under that sheltering shawl- O-n-e one and f-o-u-r four (If shawl she had on, which I doubt) -has gone. Pence, one and fourpence-you are with me, Yes, gone from me past recall. sir?- C 164

11 Nonsense Inthology 11 Nonsense 1lnthology

What hour it skills not : ten or eleven o' the clock, And so forth ; and, complete with hat and gloves, One day (and what a roaring day it was One on and one a-dangle i' my hand, (moo shop or sight-see - bar a spit o' rain And ombrifuge (Lord love you ! ) cas o' rain, In February, eighteen sixty nine, I flopped forth, 'sbuddikins ! on my own ten toes, Alexandrina Victoria, Fidei, (I do assure you there be ten of them) Hm - hm - how runs the jargon ? being on the And went clump-clumping up hill and down dale throne. To find myself o' the sudden i' front o' the boy. Put case I had n't 'em on me, could I ha' bought This sort-o'-kind-o'-what-you-might-call-toy, all the facts, succinctly put, Such, sir, are This pebble-thing, o' the boy-thing ? Q E . D . The basis or substratum - what you will - That's proven without aid for mumping Pope, Of the impending eighty thousand lines. Sleek porporate or bloated cardinal. " Not much in 'em either," quoth perhaps simple (Is n't it, old Fatchops ? You're in Euclid now.) Hodge. So, having the shilling - having i' fact a lot - But there's a superstructure. Wait a bit. And pence and halfpence, ever so many o' them, I purchased, as I think I said before, (lapis, lapidis, di, dem, de- Mark first the rationale of the thing The pebble Hear logic rivel and levigate the deed. What nouns 'crease short i' the genitive, Fat- That shilling -and for matter o' that, the pence - chops, eh ? ) I had o' course upo' me -wi' me say - O the boy, a bare-legg'd beggarly son of a gun, one-and-fourpence . Here we are again. (Mecum 's the Latin, make a note o' that) For When I popp'd pen i' stand, scratched ear, wiped Now Law steps in, biwigged, voluminousjaw'd ; snout, Investigates and re-investigates . (Let everybody wipe his own himself) Was the transaction illegal ? Law shakes head. Sniff'd-tch !-at snuffbox ; tumbled up, he-heed, Perpend, sir, all the bearings of the case. Haw-haw'd (not he-haw'd, that's another guess thing) Then fumbled at, and stumbled out of, door, At first the coin was mine, the chattel his. I shoved the timber ope wi' my omoplat ; But now (by virtue of the said exchange all the coin, And in vestibulo, i' the lobby to-wit, And barter) vice versa (Iacobi Facciolati's rendering, sir,) Rer juris operationem, vests till ding o' doom ; Donned galligaskins, antigropeloes, I' the boy and his assigns [ 166 ] [ 167 ]

11 Nonsense 4nthology .d Nonsense dnthology

In scecula s~eculo-o-o-orum ; The scum o' the Kennel, cream o' the filth-heap - (I think I hear the Abate mouth out that.) Faugh ! To have and hold the same to him and them . . . Aie, aie, aie, aie ! OTOTOTOTOTOL, Confer some idiot on Conveyancing. ('Stead which we blurt out, Hoighty toighty now) - Whereas the pebble and every part thereof, And the baker and candlestick maker, and Jack And all that appertaineth thereunto, and Gill, .uodcunque pertinet ad em rem, Blear'd Goody this and queasy Gaffer that, (I fancy, sir, my Latin's rather pat) Ask the Schoolmaster, Take Schoolmaster first. Or shall, will, may, might, can, could, would, or He saw a gentleman purchase of a lad should, A stone, and pay for it rite on the square, Subaudi cetera-clap we to the close And carry it off per saltum, jauntily For what's the good of law in such a case o' the Propria quce maribus, gentleman's property now kind (Agreeable to the law explained above). Is mine to all intents and purposes. In proprium usum, for his private ends, This settled, I resume the thread o' the tale. The boy he chucked a brown i' the air, and bit I' the face the shilling ; heaved a thumping stone At a lean hen that ran cluck-clucking by, Now for a touch o' the vendor's quality. (And hit her, dead as nail i' post o' door,) He says a gen'lman bought a pebble of him, Then abiit - What's the Ciceronian phrase ? (This pebble i' sooth, sir, which I hold i' my Excessit, evasit, erupit - off slogs boy ; hand) - Off like bird, avi similis - (you observed And paid for 't, like a gen'lman, on the nail. The dative ? Pretty i' the Mantuan ! ) - Aglice " Did I o'ercharge him a ha'penny ? Devil a bit. Off in three flea skips . Hactenus, so far, Fiddlepin's end ! Get out, you blazing ass! So good, tam bene. Bene, satis, male,- Gabble o' the goose. Don't bugaboo-baby me Where was I with my trope 'bout one in a quag ? Go double or quits ? Yah ! tittup ! what 's the I did once hitch the Syntax into verse odds ? " yorbum personale, a verb personal, -There's the transaction viewed in the vendor's Concordat - ay, 11 agrees," old Fatchops-cum light. Nominativo, with its nominative, Genere, i' point of gender, nume~o, Next ask that dumpled hag, stood snuffling by, O' number, et persona, and person. Ut, With her three frowsy blowsy brats o' babes, Instance : Sol ruit, down flops sun, et and, [168] [ 169 ]

fl Nonsense 4nthology ~1 Nonsense 4nthology

Montes umbrantur, out flounce mountains. Pah Thro' the rare red heather we danced together Excuse me, sir, I think I 'm going mad. (O love my Willie,) and smelt for flowers I must mention again it was glorious weather, You see the trick on't, though, and can yourself Rhymes are so scarce in this world of ours Continue the discourse ad libitum. It takes up about eighty thousand lines, By rises that flushed with their purple favors, 1, thing imagination boggles at ; Thro' becks that brattled o'er grasses sheen, And might, odds-bobs, sir ! in judicious hands We walked or waded, we two young shavers, Extend from here to Mesopotamy. Thanking our stars we were both so green. C. S. Calverley. We journeyed in parallels, I and Willie, In fortunate parallels ! Butterflies, Hid in weltering shadows of daffodilly LOVERS AND A REFLECTION Or marjoram, kept making peacock eyes

Song-birds darted about, some inky N moss-prankt dells which the sunbeams flatter coal, some snowy (I weep) as ; (And heaven As curds I it knoweth what that may Or rosy as pinks, or as roses pinky- mean ; They reek of no eerie To-come, those birds Meaning, however, is no great matter) Where woods are a-tremble with words a-tween ; But they skim over bents which the mill-stream washes, Thro' God's own heather we wormed together, Or hang in the lift 'neath a white cloud's hem ; I and my Willie (O love my love) : They need no parasols, no goloshes ; I need hardly remark it was glorious weather, And good Mrs. Trimmer she feedeth them . And flatter-bats wavered alow, above Then we thrid God's cowslips (as erst his heather), Boats were curtseying, rising, bowing, That endowed the wan grass with their golden (Boats in that climate are so polite,) blooms ; And sands were a ribbon of green endowing, And snapt-(it was perfectly charming weather) And O the sun-dazzle on bark and bight Our fingers at Fate and her goddess-glooms 170 1 1 7 1

A Nonsense Anthology Nonsense Anthology

And Willie 'gan sing -(Oh, his notes were flute ; Wafts fluttered them out to the white-winged sea - AN IMITATION OF WORDSWORTH Something made up of rhymes that have done much duty, HERE is a river clear and fair, Rhymes (better to put it) of " ancientry " 'T is neither broad nor narrow ; It winds a little here and there - Bowers of flowers encountered showers ItTwinds about like any bare ; In William's carol-(O love my Willie And then it takes as straight a course Then he bade sorrow borrow from blithe to- As on the turnpike road a horse, morrow Or through the air an arrow. I quite forget what - say a daffodilly.

A nest in a hollow, " with buds to follow," The trees that grow upon the shore, I think occurred next in his nimble strain ; Have grown a hundred years or more ; And clay that was " kneaden " of course in Eden - So long there is no knowing. A rhyme most novel I do maintain Old Daniel Dobson does not know When first these trees began to grow ; Mists, bones, the singer himself, love-stories, But still they grew, and grew, and grew, And all least furlable things got furled ; As if they 'd nothing else to do, Not with any design to conceal their glories, But ever to be growing. But simply and solely to rhyme with world.

O if billows and pillows and hours and flowers, The impulses of air and sky And all the brave rhymes of an elder day, Have rear'd their stately heads so high, Could be furled together, this genial weather, And clothed their boughs with green ; And carted or carried on wafts away, Their leaves the dews of evening quaff,- Nor ever again trotted out -ah me And when the wind blows loud and keen, How much fewer volumes of verse there'd be. I 've seen the jolly timbers laugh, And shake their sides with merry glee- C. S. Calverley. Wagging their heads in mockery. [ 172 ] [ 1 73] A Nonsense Anilzology A Nonsense Anthology

Fix'd are their feet ;n solid earth, Where winds can never blow ; But visitings of deeper birth THE FAMOUS BALLAD OF THE Have reach'd their roots below. For they have gain'd the river's brink, JUBILEE CUP And of the living waters drink. OU may lift me up in your arms, lad, and There's little Will, a five years child - turn my face to the sun, He is my youngest boy Y For a last look back at the dear old track To look on eyes so fair and wild, where the Jubilee cup was won ; It is a very joy : - And draw your chair to my side, lad - no, thank He bath conversed with sun and shower, ye, I feel no pain - And dwelt with every idle flower, For I 'm going out with the tide, lad ; but I 'll tell As fresh and gay as them. you the tale again. He loiters with the briar rose,- The blue-belles are his play-fellows, I'm seventy-nine or nearly, and my head it has That dance upon their slender stem. long turned gray, But it all comes back as clearly as though it was And I have said, my little Will, yesterday - Why should not he continue still The dust, and the bookies shouting around the A thing of Nature's rearing ? clerk of the scales, A thing beyond the world's control- And the clerk of the course, and the nobs in force, " living vegetable soul, - and 'Is 'Ighness the Pr**ce of W*les. No human sorrow fearing. wind'ard (but none of It were a 'T was a nine-hole thresh to blessed sight to see us cared for that, That child become a Willow-tree, the service tee, and a His brother With a straight run home to trees among. finish along the flat, He'd be four times as tall as me, barred, and And " Stiff ? " ah, well you may say it ! Spot live three times as long. at five stone ten Catharine M. Faushawe. But at two and a bisque I'd ha' run the risk ; for I was a greenhorn then. [ 174 [ 175 1

Nonsense Anthology A Nonsense Anthology

So we stripped to the B . Race signal, the old red Smooth-bored, clean run, from her fiddle head with swallowtail - its dainty ear half-cock, There was young Ben Bolt and the Portland Colt ;ti Hard-bit, pur sang, from her overhang to the heel and Aston Villa, and Yale ; of her off hind sock. And W. G., and Steinitz, Leander and The Saint, And the G*rm*n Emp*r*r's Meteor, a-looking as me as I worked her fresh as ~- t Sir Robert he walked beside paint ; down to the mark ; " There's money on this, my lad," said he, " and John Roberts (scratch), and Safety Match, The most of 'em 's running dark ; Lascar, and Lorna Doone, But ease the sheet if you're bunkered, and pack Oom Paul (a bye), and Romany Rye, and me upon the scrummages tight, Wooden Spoon ; And use your slide at the distance, and we'll drink And some of us cut for partners, and some of us to your health to-night ! " strung for baulk, And some of us tossed for stations -But there, But I bent and tightened my stretcher. Said I to what use to talk ? myself, said I - "John Jones, this here is the Jubilee Cup, and die." Three-quarter-back you have to do or on the Kingsclere crack was And the words were n't hardly spoken when the station enough for me, With umpire shouted " Play ! " a fresh jackyarder blowing and the Vicarage off from the Gasworks End with goal a-lee And we all kicked a " Yoicks ! " and a " Gone Away ! " And I leaned and patted her centre-bit and eased the quid in her cheek, thought of nothing, as the clay flew With a " Soh my lass! " and a " Woa you brute! " And at first I - for she could do all but speak. by in lumps, But stuck to the old Ruy Lopez, and wondered who'd call for trumps, She was geared a thought too high perhaps ; she And luffed her close to the cushion, and watched was trained a trifle fine ; each one as it broke, But she had the grand reach forward ! I never saw And in triple file up the Rowley Mile we went like such a line a trail of smoke. 12 1 76 L a [ 177 ]

A Nonsense Anthology A Nonsense Anthology

The Lascar made the running but he did n't And the Portland Colt had shot his bolt, and Yale amount to much, was bumped at the Doves, For old Oom Paul was quick on the ball, and And The Lascar resigned to Steinitz, stalemated in headed it back to touch ; fifteen moves. And the whole first flight led off with the right as The Saint took up the pace, It was bellows to mend with Roberts - starred And drove it clean to the putting green and three for a penalty kick trumped it there with an ace. But he chalked his cue and gave 'em the butt, and Oom Paul marked the trick- fourteen John Roberts had given a miss in baulk, but Villa ' Offside -No Ball -and at all! Mark cleared with a punt ; Cock! and two for his nob ! " W. And keeping her service hard and low the Meteor When G. ran clean through his lee and beat forged to the front ; him twice with a lob. With Romany Rye to windward at dormy and two to play, He yorked him twice on a crumbling pitch and And Yale close up - but a Jubilee Cup is n't run wiped his eye with a brace, for every day. But his guy-rope split with the strain of it and he dropped back out of the race ; We laid our course for the Warner -I tell you And I drew a bead on the Meteor's lead, and the pace was hot ! challenging none too soon, And again off Tattenham Corner a blanket covered Bent over and patted her garboard strake, and the lot . called upon Wooden Spoon. Check side! Check side ! now steer her wide ! and barely an inch of room, With The She was all of a shiver forward, the spoondrift thick Lascar s tail over our lee rail and brush- her ing Leander's boom. on flanks, But I'd brought her an easy gambit, and nursed her over the banks ; We were running as strong as ever - eight knots I She answered her helm -the darling! and woke - but it could n't last ; up now with a rush, For the spray and the bails were flying, the whole While the Meteor's jock, he sat like a rock-he field tailing fast ; ! knew we rode for his brush ! [ 1 7 8 ] [ 1 79]

A Nonsense Anthology A Nonsense Anthology

There was no one else left in it. The Saint was It was tack and tack to the Lepe and back - a fair using his whip, ding-dong to the Ridge, And Safety Match, with a lofting catch, was And he led by his forward canvas yet as we shot pocketed deep at slip ; 'neath Hammersmith Bridge. And young Ben Bolt with his niblick took miss at Leander's lunge, He led by his forward canvas -he led from his But topped the net with the ricochet, and Steinitz strongest suit - threw up the sponge. But along we went on a roaring scent, and at Fawley I gained a foot. But none of the lot could stop the rot - nay, don't He fisted off with his jigger, and gave me his wash ask me to stop - too late The villa had called for lemons, Oom Paul had Deuce - Vantage - Check ! By neck and neck taken his drop, we rounded into the straight. And both were kicking the referee. Poor fellow he done his best ; I could hear the " Conquering 'Ero " a-crashing on But, being in doubt, he'd ruled them out - which Godfrey's band, he always did when pressed. And my hopes fell sudden to zero, just there, with the race in hand - So, inch by inch, I tightened the winch, and In sight of the Turf's Blue Ribbon, in sight of the chucked the sandbags out - umpire's tape, I heard the nursery cannons pop, I heard the As I felt the tack of her spinnaker c-rack ! as I bookies shout heard the steam escape " The Meteor wins! " " No, Wooden Spoon! " Leg Before ! " " Check! " " Vantage! " " Had I lost at that awful juncture my presence of " Last Lap ! " " Pass Nap ! " At his saddle-flap I mind ? . . . but no ! and wore. put up the helm I leaned and felt for the puncture, and plugged it there with my toe . . . You may overlap at the saddle-flap, and yet be Hand over hand by the Members' Stand I lifted loo'd on the tape and eased her up, And it all depends upon changing ends, how a Shot-clean and fair-to the crossbar there, and seven-year-old will shape ; landed the -jubilee Cup! 180 ] 181

A Nonsense Ynthology A Nonsense Anthology

" The odd by a head, and leg before," so the Judge And there when the dews are weeping, and the he gave the word echoes murmur " Peace! " And the umpire shouted " Over! " but I neither And the salt, salt tide comes creeping and covers spoke nor stirred . the popping-crease ; They crowded round : for there on the ground I lay in a dead-cold swoon, In the hour when the ducks deposit their eggs with Pitched neck and crop on the turf atop of my a boasted force, beautiful Wooden Spoon. They'll look and whisper " How was it?" and you'll take them over the course, Her dewlap tire was punctured, her bearings all red And your voice will break as you try to speak of hot ; the glorious first of June, She 'd a lolling tongue, and her bowsprit sprung, When the Jubilee Cup, with John Jones up, was and her running gear in a knot ; won upon Wooden Spoon. And amid the sobs of her backers, Sir Robert Arthur I Quiller-Coueh. loosened her girth And led her away to the knacker's. She had raced her last on earth A SONG OF IMPOSSIBILITIES But I mind me well of the tear that fell from the eye of our noble Pr*nce, And the things he said as he tucked me in bed - LADY, I loved you all last year, and I 've lain there ever since ; How honestly and well- Tho' it all gets mixed up queerly that happened Alas! would weary you to hear, before my spill, - And torture me to tell ; But I draw my thousand yearly : it'll pay for the I raved beneath the midnight sky, doctor's bill. I sang beneath the limes - Orlando in my lunacy, And Petrarch in my rhymes . I'm going out with the tide, lad-you'll dig me But all is over! When the sun a numble grave, Dries up the boundless main, And whiles you will bring your bride, lad, and your When black is white, false-hearted one, sons, if sons you have, I may be yours again [ 182 ] [ 1 8 3 ]

A Nonsense Anthology A Nonsense Anthology

When passion's early hopes and fears When bankrupts study the Gazette, Are not derided things ; Or colleges Tom Thumb ; When truth is found in falling tears, When little fishes learn to speak, Or faith in golden rings ; Or poets not to feign ; When the dark Fates that rule our way When Dr. Geldart construes Greek, Instruct me where they hide I may be yours again One woman that would ne'er betray, One friend that never lied ; When Pole and Thornton honor cheques, When summer shines without a cloud, Or Mr. Const a rogue ; And bliss without a pain ; When Jericho 's in Middlesex, When worth is noticed in a crowd, Or minuets in vogue ; I may be yours again When Highgate goes to Devonport, Or fashion to Guildhall ; When science pours the light of day When argument is heard at Court, Upon the lords of lands ; Or Mr. Wynn at all ; When Huskisson is heard to say When Sydney Smith forgets to jest, That Lethbridge understands ; Or farmers to complain ; When wrinkles work their way in youth, When kings that are are not the best, Or Eldon 's in a hurry ; I may be yours again When lawyers represent the truth, Or Mr. Sumner Surrey ; When peers from telling money shrink, When aldermen taste eloquence Or monks from telling lies ; Or bricklayers champagne ; When hydrogen begins to sink, When common law is common sense, Or Grecian scrip to rise ; I may be yours again ! When German poets cease to dream, Americans to guess ; When learned judges play the beau, When Freedom sheds her holy beam ()r learned pigs the tabor ; On Negroes, and the Press ; hen traveller Bankes beats Cicero, When there is any fear of Rome, Or Mr. Bishop Weber ; Or any hope of Spain ; When sinking funds discharge a debt, When Ireland is a happy home, Or female hands a bomb ; I may be yours again! 184 ] ['g5

A Nonsense Anthology A Nonsense Anthology When you can cancel what has been, and town, Or alter what must When box bear paper in every land be, And thistles bear berries in every place, Or bring once more that vanished scene, Those And pikes have naturally feathers in their crown, withered joys to me ; bass, When you can tune And bulls of the sea sing a good the broken lute, And men be the ships fishes trace, Or deck the blighted wreath, incipience, Or rear the garden's And in women be found no richest fruit, Then put them in trust and confidence. Upon a blasted heath ; When you can lure the wolf at bay When whitings do walk forests to chase harts, Back to his shattered chain, herrings their horns in forests boldly blow, To-day And may then be yesterday - And marmsets mourn in moors and lakes, I may be yours again 1 And gurnards shoot rooks out of a crossbow, W. M. Praed. And goslings hunt the wolf to overthrow, And sprats bear spears in armes of defence, Then put women in trust and confidence. When swine be cunning in all points of music, TRUST IN WOMEN And asses be doctors of every science, And cats do heal men by practising of physic, And buzzards to scripture give any credence, When these things following be done to our intent, Then put women in trust and confident. And merchants buy with horn, instead of groats and pence, And pyes be made poets for their eloquence, HEN W nettlese in winter bring forth roses Then put women in trust and confidence. And all manner of thorn trees bear figs When sparrows build churches on a height, naturally, And wrens carry sacks unto the mill, And geese bear pearls in every mead, And curlews carry timber houses to dight, And laurel bear cherries abundantly, And fomalls bear butter to market to sell, And oaks bear dates very plenteously, And woodcocks bear woodknives cranes to kill, And kisks give of honey superfluence, ~~ And greenfinches to goslings do obedience, Then put women in trust and confidence. : Then put women in trust and confidence. [ 186 ] ( ; [ 187 A Nonsense Anthology A Nonsense Anthology

When crows take salmon in woods and parks, And twice he pulled his sister's hair, and thrice he And be take with swifts and snails, smote her side ; And camels in the air take swallows and larks, ~~ Ha' done, ha' done with your impudent fun - And mice move mountains by wagging of their ha' done with your games ! " she cried ; tails, " You have made mud-pies of a marvellous size - And shipmen take a ride instead of sails, finger and face are black, And when wives to their husbands do no offence, You have trodden the Way of the Mire and Clay Then put women in trust and confidence. - now up and wash you, Jack we reach our home, there waiteth When antelopes Or else, or ever surmount eagles in flight, an angry dame - And swans be swifter than hawks of the tower, the weight of her blow -the And wrens Well you know set gos-hawks by force and might, supperless open shame And muskets make verjuice of crabbes sour, will, on yonder hill-wash, if you And ships Wash, if you sail on dry land, silt give flower, will, at the spring, - And apes in Westminster give judgment and dirt, to your certain hurt, and an sentence, Or keep your imminent walloping! " Then put women in trust and confidence. dnonymous.

wash - you must scrub - you must HERE IS THE TALE " You must scrape ! " growled Jack, " you must traffic AFTER RUDYARD KIPLING with cans and pails, Nor keep the spoil of the good brown soil in the Here is the tale - andyou must make the most of it rim of your finger-nails Here is the rhyme - ah, listen and attend! The morning path you must tread to your bath- Backwards -forwards - read it all and boast of it you must wash ere the night descends, Ifyou are anything the wiser at the end l And all for the cause of conventional laws and the soapmakers' dividends Vow Jack looked up- it was time to sup, But if 't is sooth that our meal in truth depends on and the bucket was yet to fill, our washing, Jill, And Jack looked round for a space and By the sacred right of our appetite - haste -- haste frowned, then beckoned his sister Jill, to the top of the hill ! " [Iss] C 189 7

A Nonsense Anthology A Nonsense Anthology you ready, and are you steady ? Gird up They have trodden the Way of the Mire and Clay, Now, are they have toiled and travelled far, your petticoats ! Go ! " They have climbed to the brow of the hill-top now, And Jill she ran like a winging bolt, a bolt from where the bubbling fountains are, They have the bow released, taken the bucket and filled it up-yea, of the lightning gleam, with filled it up to the brim ; But Jack like a stream But Jack its pathway duly greased ; he sneered at his sister Jill, and Jill she front of Jill like a summer- jeered at him He ran down hill in lightning flash - 14 What, blown already! " Jack cried out (and his tripped on a stone, or slipped, and was a biting mirth!) Till he suddenly fell to the earth with a crash. " You boast indeed of your wonderful speed - but Then straight did rise on his wondering eyes the what is the boasting worth ? fair, Now, if you can run as the constellations antelope runs, and if and the Pleiades, the Greater and Lesser you can turn like a hare, Arcturus Come, Bear, race me, Jill, to the foot of the hill-and a comet's train he saw, as he prove your boasting The swirling rain of fair ! " swiftly fell - And Jill came tumbling after him with a loud yell " Race? What is a race " triumphant (and a mocking face had have won, you have won, the race is done Jill as she spake the word) " You " Unless And as for the wager laid - for a prize the runner tries ? The truth with a broken crown - the indeed ye heard, You have fallen down half-crown debt is paid ! " For I can run as the antelope runs, and I can turn like a hare : - taken Jack to the room at the back The first one down wins half-a-crown -and I will They have race you there ! " where the family medicines are, with a broken head in a halo of "Yea, if for the lesson that you will learn (the And he lies in bed lesson of humbled pride) vinegar ; Jill had laughed her fill as her The price you fix at two-and-six, it shall not be While, in that brother fell to earth, denied ; hath Come, take your stand She had felt the sting of a walloping-she at my right hand, for here mirth is the mark we toe paid the price of her E Igo 191

A Nonsense Anthology J Nonsense Anthology

Here is the tale - and now you have the whole of it, The farmer's daughter hath ripe red lips ; Here is the story -urell and wisely planned, (Butter and eggs and a pound of cheese Beauty -Duty - these make up the soul of it - If you try to approach her, away she skips But, ah, my little readers, will you mark and under- Over tables and chairs with apparent ease. stand ? Athony C. Deane. The farmer's daughter hath soft brown hair ; (Butter and eggs and a pound of cheese) And I met with a ballad, I can't say where, Which wholly consisted of lines like these. THE AULD WIFE She sat with her hands 'neath her dimpled cheeks, (Butter and eggs and a pound of cheese) HE auld wife sat at her ivied door, And spake not a word . While a lady speaks (Butter and eggs and a pound of cheese) There is hope, but she did n't even sneeze. T A thing she had frequently done before ; And her spectacles lay on her aproned knees . She sat with her hands 'neath her crimson cheeks ; (Butter and eggs and a pound of cheese) The piper he piped on the hill-top high, She gave up mending her father's breeks, (Butter and eggs and a pound of cheese) And let the cat roll in her best chemise. Till the cow said " I die " and the goose asked " Why ;" She sat with her hands 'neath her burning cheeks And the dog said nothing, but searched for fleas. (Butter and eggs and a pound ofcheese), And gazed at the piper for thirteen weeks ; The farmer he strode through the square farmyard ; Then she followed him out o'er the misty leas. (Butter and eggs and a pound of'cheese) His last brew of ale was a trifle hard, Her sheep followed her as their tails did them The connection of which with the plot one sees. (Butter and eggs and a pound ofcheese); And this song is considered a perfect gem, The farmer's daughter hath frank blue eyes, And as to the meaning, it's what you please. (Butter and eggs and a pound of cheese) She hears the rooks caw in the windy skies, Charles S. Calverley. As she sits at her lattice and shells her peas. [ 192 [ 193 1 A Nonsense Anthology A Nonsense Anthology

Pink was the shell within, NOT I Silver without ; Sounds of the great sea Wandered about. OME like drink In a pint pot, Sleep little ladies S Some like to think, Wake not soon! Some not. Echo on echo Dies to the moon. Strong Dutch cheese, Old Kentucky Rye, Two bright stars Some like these ; Peep'd into the shell, Not I. What are they dreaming of ? Who can tell ? Some like Poe, Started a green linnet And others like Scott ; Some Out of the croft ; like Mrs. Stowe, Wake, little ladies, Some not. The sun is aloft Lord Tennylon. Some like to laugh, Some like to cry, Some like to chaff; THE MAYOR OF SCUTTLETON Not I. R . L. Stevenson. HE Mayor of Scuttleton burned his nose Trying to warm his copper toes ; He lost his money and spoiled his will TBy signing his name with an icicle quill ; MINNIE AND WINNIE He went bareheaded, and held his breath, And frightened his grandame most to death ; INNIE and Winnie He loaded a shovel and tried to shoot, "-A- Slept in a shell. And killed the calf in the leg of his boot ; Sleep, little ladies From "Rhymes and jingles," copyright, 1874, 19oz, Charles And they slept well. Scribner's Sons . [ 194 [ 1 95 1 A Nonsense Anthology A Nonsense Anthology

He melted a snowbird and formed the habit Of dancing jigs with a sad Welsh rabbit ; ROOF* He lived on taffy and taxed the town ; THE LAZY And read his newspaper upside down ; Then he sighed and hung his hat on a feather, THE Roof it has a Lazy Time And bade the townspeople come together ; l A-lying in the Sun ; But the worst of it all was, nobody knew The Walls they have to Hold Him Up ; What the Mayor of Scuttleton next would do. They do Not Have Much Fun Gelett Burgess. Mary Mopes Dodge.

MY FEET* THE PURPLE COW* MY feet, they haul me Round the House, NEVER saw a Purple Cow, They Hoist me up the Stairs ; I never hope to see one ; I only have to Steer them and But I can tell you, anyhow, They Ride me Everywheres . Gelett Burgess. I'd rather see than be one. Gelett Burgess. THE HEN t

THE INVISIBLE BRIDGE* LAS ! my Child, where is the Pen That can do Justice to the Hen ? 'D Never Dare to Walk across A Like Royalty, She goes her way, A Bridge I Could Not See ; Laying foundations every day, For Quite afraid of Falling off, Though not for Public Buildings, yet I fear that I Should Be For Custard, Cake and Omelette. Gelett Burgess. * By permission of Gelett Burgess ; from " The Burgess Nonsense Book," copyright, 19ol . By permission of Gelett Burgess i from The Herford from "More Animals," copy- ~~ Burgess Nonsense f By permission of Oliver g Book," copyright, 19oi . right, 1901 . 1 96 [ 1 97]

A Nonsense Anthology A Nonsense Anthology

Or if too Old for such a use They have their Fling at some Abuse, THE CHIMPANZEE As when to Censure Plays Unfit HILDREN, behold the Chimpanzee Upon the Stage they make a Hit, He sits on the ancestral tree Or at elections Seal the Fate From which we sprang in ages gone. Of an Obnoxious Candidate. I 'm glad we sprang : had we held on, No wonder, Child, we prize the Hen, We might, for aught that I can say, Whose Egg is Mightier than the Pen. Be horrid Chimpanzees to-day. Oliver Herford. Oliver Herford_ THE HIPPOPOTAMUS H, say, what is this fearful, wild, Incorrigible cuss? " THE COW « This creature (don't say ' cuss,' my child ; 'T is slang -this creature fierce is styled The Hippopotamus. HE Cow is too well known, I fear, His curious name derives its source Tl To need an introduction here. From two Greek words : hippos- a horse, If She should vanish from earth's face Potamos -river. See ? It would be hard to fill her place ; The river's plain enough, of course ; For with the Cow would disappear But why they called that thing a horse, So much that every one holds Dear. That's what is Greek to me." Oh, think of all the Boots and Shoes, Oliver Herford. Milk Punches, Gladstone Bags and Stews, And Things too numerous to count, THE PLATYPUS Of which, my child, she is the Fount. Y child, the Duck-billed Platypus Let's hope, at least, the Fount may last for us Until our Generation's past. M A sad example sets From him we learn how Indecision Oliver Herford: Of character provokes Derision. By permission of Oliver Herford i from " More Animals," copy . * By permission of Oliver Herford i from " A Child's Primer of right, rgoi . Natural History," copyright, 1899 . 1 98 [ 199 A Nonsense Anthology A Nonsense Anthology

This vacillating Thing, you see, Could not decide which he would be, THE FLAMINGO * Fish, Flesh or Fowl, and chose all three. The scientists were sorely vexed Inspired by reading a chorus ofspirits To classify him ; so perplexed in a German play Their brains, that they, with Rage at bay, VOICE . Called him a horrid name one day, - FIRST A name that baffles, frights and shocks us, tell me have you ever seen a red, long- Ornithorhynchus Paradoxus. OH ! leg'd Flamingo ? Oliver Herford. Oh! tell me have you ever yet seen him the water in go ?

SECOND VOICE. SOME GEESE Oh! yes at Bowling-Green I've seen a red long- leg'd Flamingo, V-ER-Y child who has the use Oh! yes at Bowling-Green I've there seen him Of his sen-ses knows a goose. the water in go. E See them un-der-neath the tree Gath-er round the goose-girl's knee, FIRST VOICE. While she reads them by the hour did you ever see a bird so funny From the works of Scho-pen-hau-er. Oh! tell me stand-o comes and gets upon How pa-tient-ly When forth he from the water the geese at-tend ? But do they re-al-ly com-pre-heed the land-o What Scho-pen-hau-er's driv-ing at ? SECOND VOICE . Oh, not at all ; but what of that ? Nei-they do I ; nei-ther does she ; No! in my life I ne'er did see a bird so funny And, for that mat-ter, nor does he. stand-o from the water comes and gets upon Oliver Herford. When forth he the land-o. By permission of Oliver Herford i from " A Child's Primer of Natural History," copyright, x899 . By permission of D. Appleton & Co. 201 [ 200] [

; Nonsense -Inthology A Nonsense Anthology

F'IiisT VOICE. ANIMALS He has a leg some three feet long, or near it, so KINDNESS TO they say, Sir. Stiff upon one alone he stands, t' other he stows PEAK gently to the herring and kindly to the away, Sir. calf, Be blithesome with the bunny, at barnacles SECOND VOICE. S don't laugh Give nuts unto the monkey, and buns unto the bear, And what an ugly head he 's got ! I wonder that Ne'er hint at currant jelly if you chance to see a he 'd wear it. hare But rather more I wonder that his long, thin neck Oh, little girls, pray hide your combs when tortoises can bear it. draw nigh, And never in the hearing of a pigeon whisper Pie FIRST VOICE. But givethe stranded jelly-fish a shove into the sea,- always kind to animals wherever you may be! And think, this length of neck and legs (no doubt Be they have their uses) not game of sparrows, nor faces at the Are members of a little frame, much smaller than Oh, make a goose's ! ram, And ne'er allude to mint sauce when calling on a lamb. BOTH. Don't beard the thoughtful oyster, don't dare the Oh ! isn't he a curious bird, that red, long-leg'd cod to crimp, Flamingo ? Don't cheat the pike, or ever try to pot the playful A water bird, a gawky bird, a sing'lar bird, by shrimp . jingo Tread lightly on the turning worm, don't bruise Lezois Gaylord Clark. the butterfly, Don't ridicule the wry-neck, nor sneer at salmon- fry ; Oh, ne'er delight to make dogs fight, nor bantams disagree, - Be always kind to animals wherever you may be! [202] 203 1

A Nonsense Anthology A Nonsense Anthology Be lenient with lobsters, and ever kind to crabs, The polar bear will make a rug And be not disrespectful to cuttle-fish or dabs ; Almost as white as snow ; Chase not the Cochin-China, chaff not the ox obese, he gets you in his hug, And But if babble not of feather-beds in company with He rarely lets you go. geese. And Polar ice looks very nice, Be tender with the tadpole, and let the limpet thrive, With all the colors of a pris-sum ; Be merciful to mussels, don't skin your eels alive ; But, if you'll follow my advice, When talking to a turtle don't mention calipee- Stay home and learn your catechissum . Be always kind to animals wherever you may be. ,(, T. Quiller-Couch. ,: Ashhy-Sterry. OF BAITING THE LION SAGE COUNSEL EMEMBERING his taste for blood You'd better bait him with a cow ; HE lion is the beast to fight, 1 \ Persuade the brute to chew the cud He leaps along the plain, Her tail suspended from a bough ; And if you run with all your might, It thrills the lion through and through He runs with all his mane. To hear the milky creature moo. I'm glad I'm not a Hottentot, But if I were, Having arranged this simple ruse, with outward cal-lum a neighboring tree ; I 'd either faint Yourself you climb upon the spot the spot you choose Or hie me up a leafy pal-lum See to it that . Commands the coming tragedy ; The chamois is the Take up a smallish Maxim gun, beast to hunt ; bun . He's fleeter than the wind, A search-light, whisky, and a And when the chamois is in front, to have your bike The It's safer, too, hunter is behind. Standing immediately below, The Tyrolese make famous cheese In case your piece should fail to strike, And hunt the chamois o'er the chaz-zums ; ineffective blow ; I'd Or deal an choose the former if you please, " In Cap and Bells," copy- For * By permission of John Lane ; from precipices give one spaz-zums. right, 1899 . [ 204] [ Za57 A Nonsense Anthology A Nonsense Anthology

The Lion moves with perfect grace, But cannot go the scorcher's pace. THE FROG

Keep open ear for subtle signs ; E kind and tender to the Frog, Thus, when the cow profusely moans, And do not call him names, That means to say, the Lion dines . B As " Slimy-Skin," or " Polly-wog," The crunching sound, of course, is bones Or likewise, " Uncle James," Silence resumes her ancient reign - Or "Gape-a-grin," or " Toad-gone-wrong,' This shows the cow is out of pain. Or " Billy-Bandy-knees ; " is justly sensitive But when The Frog a fat and torpid hum To epithets like these. Escapes the eater's unctuous nose, Turn up the light and let it come No animal will more repay Full on his innocent repose ; A treatment kind and fair, Then pour your shot between his eyes, At least, so lonely people say And go on pouring till he dies. Who keep a frog (and, by the way, They are extremely rare). Play, even so, discretion's part ; Hilaire Bellot. Descend with stealth ; bring on your gun ; Then lay your hand above his heart To see i£ he is really done ; THE YAK Don't skin him till you know he's dead Or you may perish in his stead ! S a friend to the children commend me the yak, will find it exactly the thing Years hence, You at home, when talk is tall, It will carry and fetch, you can ride on its You 'll set the gun-room wide agape, A back, Describing how with just a small Or lead it about with a string. Pea-rifle, going after ape You met a Lion unaware, A Tartar who dwells on the plains of Thibet And felled him flying through the air. (A desolate region of snow) pet, Omen Seaman. Has for centuries made it a nursery And surely the Tartar should know [ zo6 ] [ 207 ] Nonsense Anthology A Nonsense Anthology Then tell your papa where the Yak can be got, And if he is awfully rich, He will buy you THE BISON the creature-or else he (I cannot be will not, positive which) . HE Bison is vain, and (I write it with pain) Hilaire Bell,,. The Door-mat you see on his head Is not, as some learned professors maintain, The opulent growth of a genius' brain ; But is sewn on with needle and thread. Hilaire Belloc. THE PYTHON THE PANTHER PYTHON I should not advise, A It needs a doctor kind to the panther! for when thou went for its eyes, And has the measles yearly. young, 1BE In thy country far over the sea, ate up thy papa and mamma, However, if you feel inclined 'T was a panther To get And had several mouthfuls of thee ! one (to improve your mind, And not from fashion Allow merely), Be kind to the badger! for who shall decide no music near its cage ; And when The depths of his badgerly soul ? it flies into a rage when flashes the lamp Chastise And think of the tapir it most severely. O'er the fast and the free-flowing bowl.

I had an Aunt in Yucatan Be kind to the camel ! nor let word of thine Who bought a Python Ever put up his bactrian back ; from a man with her bag, And kept it for a pet. And cherish the she-kangaroo She Nor venture to give her the sack. died because she never knew These simple little rules and few ; - kind to the for how canst thou hope The snake is Be ostrich! living yet. To have such a stomach as it ? your bridal shall come, Hilaire Belloc. And when the proud day of [ 2o8 Do give the poor birdie a bit. j ~I4] [zo9~ A Nonsense Anthology A Nonsense ~Ynthology

Be kind to the walrus ! nor ever forget To have it on Tuesday to tea ; But butter the crumpets on only one side, THERE WAS A FROG Save such as are eaten by thee. Be kind to the bison ! and let the jackal HERE was a frog swum in the lake, In the light of thy love have a share ; The crab came crawling by And coax the ichneumon to grow a new tail, " Wilt thou," coth the frog, " be my make ? " And have lots of larks in its lair. TCoth the crab, " No, not L" " My skin is sooth and dappled fine, Be kind to the bustard ! that genial bird, I can leap far and nigh. And humor its wishes and ways ; Thy shell is hard : so is not mine." And when the poor elephant suffers from bile, Coth the crab, " No, not L" Then tenderly lace up his stays " Tell me," then spake the crab, " therefore, Anonymous. Or else I thee defy Give me thy claw, I ask no more ." THE MONKEY'S GLUE Coth the frog, " That will I." The crab bit off the frog's fore-feet ; HEN the monkey in his madness The frog then he must die. Took the glue to mend his voice, To woo a crab it is not meet 'T was the crawfish showed his sadness If any do, it is not I. That the bluebird could rejoice. From Christ Church MS., I. ,S¢9" Then the perspicacious parrot Sought to save the suicide By administering carrot, But the monkey merely died. THE BLOATED BIGGABOON So the crawfish and the parrot Sauntered HE bloated Biggaboon slowly toward the sea, haughty, he would not repose While the bluebird stole the Was so carrot In a house, or a hall, or ces choses, And returned the glue to me. TBut he slept his high sleep in his clothes- Goldwia Goldrmith. 'Neath the moon. 211

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The bloated Biggaboon Pour'd contempt upon waistcoat and skirt, HER DAIRY Holding swallow-tails even as dirt - So he pufl''d himself out in his shirt, MILKWEED, and a buttercup, and cow- Like a b'loon. slip," said sweet Mary, H. Cholmondeley-Pennell. " Are growing in my garden-plot, and this I call my dairy." WILD FLOWERS Peter Newell. what are you afraid, my child ? " inquired OF the kindly teacher. TURVEY TOP "Oh, sir! the flowers, they are wild," replied the timid creature. ~1 WAS after a supper of Norfolk brawn That. into a doze I chanced to drop, Peter Newell. 9 11 And thence awoke in the gray of dawn, In the wonder-land of Turvey Top. TIMID HORTENSE * had seen, OW, A land so strange I never if the fish will only bite, we'll have some And could not choose but look and laugh - N royal fun ." the great includes, A land where the small "And do fish bite ? The horrid things the whole is less than the half! Indeed, 1'11 not catch one!" And Peter Newell. A land where the circles were not lines Round central points, as schoolmen show, HER POLKA DOTS* And the parallels met whenever they chose, And went playing at touch-and-go! HE played upon her music-box a fancy air by chance, square S There - except that every round was And straightway all her polka-dots began a And save that all the squares were rounds - lively dance. No surface had limits anywhere, Peter Newell. So they never could beat the bounds. * By permission of Harper & Brothers from "Pictures and ; Harper & Brothers ; from " Pictures and Rhymes," copyright, tgoo . * By permission of 212 Rhymes," copyright, rgoo . 2i3 Nonsense Anthology ,I Nonsense Anthology

In their gardens, fruit before blossom came, "books that are no books," And the They read in trees diminished as they grew ; Their classics-chess-boards neatly bound ; And you never went out to walk a mile, greatest authors who never wrote, 'T was the Those their mile that walked to you. And their deepest the least profound. were the folks of that wonder-land, The people Now, such there are not tall or short, A curious people, as you will own ; Heavy or light, or stout or thin, none of the race abroad, And their But are there lives begin where they should leave off, Are no specimens elsewhere known? Or leave off where they should begin. Well, I think that he whose views of life Are crooked, wrong, perverse, and odd, There childhood, with naught of childish glee, jaundiced eyes Looks on the Who looks upon all with world with thoughtful brow ; and believes it God, 'T is only the aged who laugh and crow, Sees himself And cry, " We have done with it now ! " Who sneers at the good, and makes the ill, Curses a world he cannot mend ; A singular race ! what lives they spent Who measures life by the rule of wrong Got up before they went to bed And abuses its aim and end, And never a man said what he meant, man who stays when he ought to move, Or a woman meant what she said. The And only goes when he ought to stop - Is strangely like the folk in my dream, They blended colours that will not blend, And would flourish in Turvey Top. All hideous contrasts voted sweet ; Anonymous. In yellow and red their Quakers dress'd, And considered it rather neat. WHAT THE PRINCE OF I DREAMT They did n't believe in the wise and good, DREAMT it! such a funny thing Said the best were worst, the wisest fools ; And now it's taken wing ; And 't was only to have their teachers taught I s'pose no man before or since That they founded national schools. such a funny thing ? zt4 Dreamt 1 1 [ 21 5] A Nonsense Anthology A Nonsense Anthology

It had a Dragon ; with a tail ; It had a pig - a stately pig ; A tail both long and slim, With curly tail and quaint And ev'ry day he wagg'd at it - And the Great Mogul had hold of that How good it was of him 1 Till he was like to faint.

And so to him the tailest So twenty thousand Chinamen, Of all three-tailed Bashaws, With three tails each at least, Suggested that for reasons Came up to help the Great Mogul, The waggling should pause ; And took him round the waist.

And held his tail - which, parting, his hands ; Reversed that Bashaw, which And so, the tail slipp'd through Reversed that Dragon, who reversed And so it came to pass, Himself into a ditch. That twenty thousand Chinamen Sat down upon the grass.

It had a monkey - in a trap - Suspended by the tail It had a Khan - a Tartar Khan - Oh ! but that monkey look'd distress'd, With tail superb, I wis ; And his countenance was pale. And that fell graceful down a back Which was considered his. And he had danced and dangled there ; Till he grew very mad Wherefore all sorts of boys that were For his tail it was a handsome tail Accursed, swung by it ; And the trap had pinched it -bad. Till he grew savage in his mind And vex'd, above a bit The trapper sat below, and grinn'd ; His victim's wrath wax'd hot tail, as one He bit his tail in two -and And so he swept his fell- from a dream ; And killed him on the spot. Awak'ning And those abominable ones Flew off into the stream. L 217 Nonsense Anthology A Nonsense Anthology

Likewise they bobbled up and down, Big red sugar-plums are clinging Like many apples there ; To the cliffs beside that sea Till they subsided - and became Where the Dinkey-Bird is singing Amongst the things that were. In the Amfalula-tree .

And so it had a moral too, So when children shout and scamper That would be bad to lose ; And make merry all the day, ~~ Whoever takes a Tail in hand When there's naught to put a damper Should mind his p's and queues." To the ardor of their play ; I dreamt it ! - such a funny thing When I hear their laughter ringing, And now it's taken wing ; Then I'm sure as sure can be I s'pose no man before or since That the Dinkey-Bird is singing Dreamt such a funny thing ? In the Amfalula-tree. H. Cholmondeley-Pennell. For the Dinkey-Bird's bravuras THE DINKEY-BIRD And staccatos are so sweet- His roulades, appogiaturas, N an ocean, 'way out yonder And robustos so complete, (As all sapient people know), That the youth of every nation - Is the land of Wonder-Wander, Be they near or far away - Whither children love to go ; Have especial delectation It 's their playing, romping, swinging, In that gladsome roundelay . That give great joy to me While the Dinkey-Bird goes singing grow bright and brighter, In the Their eyes Amfalula-tree Their lungs begin to crow, There the gum-drops grow like cherries, Their hearts get light and lighter, And taffy's thick as peas, - And their cheeks are all aglow ; Caramels you pick like berries For an echo cometh bringing When, and where, and how you please The news to all and me. the Dinkey-Bird is singing * From " Poems of Childhood," copyright, 1892, by Mary French That Field; r 894 by Eugene Field. In the Amfalula-tree. [218] 1 219]

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I'm sure you'd like to go there And his eyes are so weak that they water and run To see your feathered friend - he dares to dream even he looks at the sun, - And so many If goodies grow there, So he jes' dreams of stars, as the doctors advise - You would like to comprehend! My! Speed, little dreams, your winging Eyes To that land across the sea But isn't he wise - Where the Dickey-Bird is singing To jes' dream of stars, as the doctors advise ? In the /dmfalula-7ree ! Eugene Field. " And the Man in the Moon has a boil on his ear - THE MAN IN THE MOON Whee Whing ! AID the Raggedy Man on a hot afternoon, What a singular thing Cc dear,- My! I know ! but these facts are authentic, my S Sakes! There's a boil on his ear ; and a corn on his chin,- What a lot o' mistakes He calls it a dimple, -but dimples stick in, - Some little folks makes on the Man in the Moon ! Yet it might be a dimple turned over, you know! But people that's been up to see him like Me, Whang ! And calls on him frequent and intimutly, Ho! Might drop a few hints that would interest you Why certainly so! - Clean It might be a dimple turned over, you know ! Through ! If you wanted 'em to- Some actual facts that might interest you " And the Man in the Moon has a rheumatic knee, Gee! " O the Man in the Moon has a crick in his back ; Whizz Whee ! What a pity that is heels Whimm ! And his toes have worked round where his Ain't you sorry for him ? ought to be. And a mole on goes South, his nose that is purple and black ; So whenever he wants to go North he crumbs all round * By permission of the author ; from , Rhymes of Childhood," And comes back with the porridge copyright, 1 8go, 1898 . his mouth, 220 [ 221~

Nonsense -,4nthology 11 Nonsense A nthology nose, and said, He put his spectacles upon his And he brushes them off with a Japanese fan, hares and kill them Whing ! " Now I will shoot the Whann dead." in leaves and grass, What a marvellous The hare sits snug man see the green man pass. What a very remarkably marvellous man! And laugl?s to Now as the sun grew very hot, gun had got, " And the Man in the Moon," sighed the Raggedy And he a heavy lay down underneath a tree Man, He see. "Gits ! And went to sleep as you may So And, while he slept like any top, The little bare came, hop, hop, hop, - Sullonesome, you know! then Up there by Took gun and spectacles, and himself since creation began again. That when I call on him and Softly on tiptoe went off then come away, wakes, and sees her place He grabs me and holds me and begs me to stay,- The green man The spectacles upon her face. Till-well, if it was n't for _7immy-cum-_7im, hunter's heart, Dadd ! She pointed the gun at the Who jumped up at once with a start. Limb and runs away. I 'd go pardners He cries, and screams, with him people, help ! I pray." Jes' jump my bob here and be pardners with him ! " " Help me, good At last he stumbled at the well, Jamen Wbitcomb Riley. Head over ears, and in he fell. stopped short, took aim, and hark ! The hare mark THE STORY Bang went the gun ! - she missed her OF THE WILD up The poor man's wife was drinking HUNTSMAN in her coffee-cup ; Her coffee ; The gun shot cup and saucer through HIS is the Wild Huntsman that shoots the she, " what shall I do ? hares ; " Oh dear ! " cried T close by the cottage there, With the grass-green coat he always wears ; Hiding hare. Was the hare's own child, the little With game-bag, powder-horn and gun, he quickly arose, He 's going When he heard the shot out to have some fun. upon his toes, He finds it hard without And while he stood a pair and burned his nose ; Of spectacles, to shoot the hare. The coffee fell [222] 22 3 ]

!1 Nonsense Anthology A Nonsense Anthology

" Oh dear," he cried, " what burns me so ? " Till, uttering one fearful yell, And held up the spoon with his little toe. He stumbled at the base and fell Anubis was at his side, Dr. Heinrieh Hoffman. Where And, by the god of death, he died. The wife of Thothmes learned his tale THE STORY OF PYRAMID First from the " Memphis Evening Mail," THOTHMES And called her son, and told their woe ; " Alas! " said she, " I told him so HOTHMES, who loved a pyramid, Oh, think upon these awful things And dreamed of wonders that it hid, And mount not on the graves of kings Took up again one afternoon, A pyramid is strange to see, HisTlongest staff, his sandal shoon, Though only at its base you be." His evening meal, his pilgrim flask, Anonymous. And set himself at length the task, Scorning the smaller and the small, To climb the highest one of all. THE STORY OF CRUEL PSAMTEK The sun was very hot indeed, ERE is cruel Psamtek, see. Yet Thothmes never slacked his speed Such a wicked boy was he! Until upon the topmost stone Chased the ibis round about, He lightly sat him down alone PluckedH its longest feathers out, To make himself some pleasant cheer Stamped upon the sacred scarab And turned to take his flask of beer, Like an unbelieving Arab, For he was weary and athirst. Put the dog and cat to pain, Forth from the neck the stopper burst Making them to howl again. And rudely waked the sleeping dead. Only think what he would do - In terror guilty Thothmes fled Tease the awful Apis too As rose majestic, wroth and slow, Basking by the sacred Nile The Pharaoh's Ka of long ago. Lay the trusting crocodile ; " Help ! help ! " he cried, " or I am lost Cruel Psamtek crept around him, Oh ! save me from old Pharaoh's ghost ! " Laughed to think how he had found him, [224] [ I5 1 [ 22 5 1

r

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With his pincers seized his tail, But as I sauntered by the tide Made the holy one to wail ; I saw a something at my side, Till a priest of Isis came, A something green, and blue, and pink, Called the wicked boy by name, And brown, and purple, too, I think. Shut him in a pyramid, I would not say how large it was ; Where his punishment was hid. I would not venture that, because - But the crocodile the while It took me rather by surprise, Bore the pincers up the Nile - And I have not the best of eyes. Here the scribe who taught him letters, And respect for all his betters, Gave him many a heavy task, Should you compare it to a cat, Horrid medicines from a flask, I'd say it was as large as that ; While on bread and water, too, Or should you ask me if the thing Bitter penance must he do. Was smaller than a sparrow's wing, should be apt to think you knew, The I Crocodile is blythe and gay, And simply answer, " Very true! " With friends and family at play, And cries, " O blessed Land of Nile, Where sacred is the crocodile, Well, as I looked upon the thing, Where no ill deed unpunished goes, murmured, " Please, sir, can I sing ? " And It man himself rewards our foes ! " And then I knew its name at once Anonymous. It plainly was a Cumberbunce. THE CUMBERBUNCE You are amazed that I could tell STROLLED beside the shining sea, The creature's name so quickly ? Well, I was as lonely as could be ; I knew it was not a paper-doll, No one to cheer me in my walk A pencil or a parasol, But stones and sand, which cannot talk - A tennis-racket or a cheese, Sand and stones and bits of shell, And, as it was not one of these, Which never have a thing to tell . And I am not a perfect dunce - By permission of Life Publishing Co . ; from "Life," copyright. It had to be a Cumberbunce! 1 226 ] [ 22] A Nonsense Anthology A Nonsense Anthology

With pleading voice and tearful eye I never sang a single song, It seemed as though about to cry. I never hummed a note. It looked so pitiful and sad There is in me no melody, It made me feel extremely bad. No music in my throat. My heart was softened to the thing That asked me if it, please, could sing. "So that is why I do not sing Its little hand I longed to shake, Of sharks, or whales, or anything! " But, oh, it had no hand to take I looked in innocent surprise, I bent and drew the creature near, My wonder showing in my eyes. And whispered in its pale blue ear, " Then why, O, Cumberbunce," I cried, -What! Sing, my Cumberbunce ? You can! " Did you come walking at my side Sing on, sing loudly, little man ! " And ask me if you, please, might sing, When you could not warble anything? " The Cumberbunce, without ado, " I did not ask permission, sir, Gazed sadly on the ocean blue, I really did not, I aver. And, lifting up its little head, You, sir, misunderstood me, quite. In tones of awful longing, said I did not ask you if I might. Had you correctly understood, " Oh, I would sing of mackerel skies, You 'd know I asked you if I could. And why the sea is wet, So, as I cannot sing a song, Of jelly-fish and conger-eels, Your answer, it is plain, was wrong. And things that I forget. The fact I could not sing I knew, And I would hum a plaintive tune But wanted your opinion, too." Of why the waves are hot As water boiling on a stove, A voice came softly o'er the lea . Excepting that they're not " Farewell! my mate is calling me! " I saw the creature disappear, " And I would sing of hooks and eyes, Its voice, in parting, smote my ear- And why the sea is slant, " I thought all people understood And gayly tips the little ships, The difference 'twixt ' might' and' could'! " Excepting that I can't Paul Wert. 228 22 9

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Do his people like him extremely well ? Or do they, whenever they can, rebel, or Plot, THE AHKOND OF SWAT At the Ahkond of Swat? HO, or why, or which, or what, Is the Ahkond of Swat ? If he catches them tnen, either old or young, Does he have them chopped in pieces or hung, Is he tall or short, or dark or fair ? or Shot, Does he sit on a stool or sofa or chair, or Squat, The Ahkond of Swat? The Ahkond of Swat ? Do his people prig in the lanes or park ? Is he wise or foolish, young or old ? Or even at times, when days are dark, Garotte? Does he drink his soup and his coffee cold, or Hot, Oh, the Ahkond of Swat ? The Ahkond of Swat ? own dominion ? Does he sing or whistle, jabber or talk, Does he study the wants of his And when riding Or does n't he care for public opinion a Jot, abroad does he gallop or walk, Ahkond of Swat ? or Trot, The The Ahkond of Swat ? To amuse his mind do his people show him Does he wear a turban, a fez or a hat ? Pictures, or any one's last new poem, or What, Does he sleep on a mattress, a bed or a mat, For the Ahkond of Swat ? or a Cot, The Ahkond of Swat ? At night if he suddenly screams and wakes, Do they bring him only a few small cakes, When he writes a copy in round-hand size, or a Lot, Does he cross his and finish his is is For the Ahkond of Swat ? with a Dot, The Ahkond of Swat ? Does he live on turnips, tea or tripe, Can he write a letter concisely clear, Does he like his shawl to be marked with a stripe Without a speck or a smudge or smear or Blot, or a Dot, The Ahkond of Swat? The Ahkond of Swat? [ 230 [ 231

A Nonsense Anthology A Nonsense Anthology

Does he like to lie on his back in a boat Does he like new cream, and hate mince-pies ? Like the lady who lived in that isle remote, When he looks at the sun does he wink his eyes, Shalott. or Not, The Ahkond of Swat ? The Ahkond of Swat ?

Is he quiet, or always making a fuss ? Does he teach his subjects to roast and bake ? Is his steward a Swiss a Does he sail about on an inland lake, or Swede or a Russ, Yacht, or a in a Scot, The Ahkond of Swat ? The Ahkond of Swat ? nobody knows I wot Does he like to sit Some one, or by the calm blue wave ? Who or which or why or what Or to sleep and snore in a dark green cave, Is the Ahkond of Swat! or a Grott, The Ahkond of Swat ? Edward Lear.

Does he drink small beer from a silver jug ? Or a bowl ? or a glass? or a cup? or a mug? or a Pot, A THRENODY The Ahkond of Swat?

HAT, what, what, Does he beat his wife with a gold-topped pipe, the news from Swat ? When she lets the gooseberries grow too ripe, W What's Sad news, or Rot, news, ? Bad The Ahkond of Swat Comes by the cable led Through the Indian Ocean's bed, Does he wear a white tie when he dines with his Through the Persian Gulf, the Red friends, Sea and the Med- And tie it neat in a bow with ends, or a Knot, iterranean - he 's dead ; The Ahkond of Swat ? The Ahkoond is dead! [ 232 [ 233 A Nonsense Anthology A Nonsense Anthology

For the Ahkoond I mourn, He sees with larger, other eyes, Who wouldn't? Athwart all earthly mysteries - He strove to disregard the message stern, He knows what's Swat. But he Ahkood n't. Dead, dead, dead ; (Sorrow Let Swat bury the great Ahkoond Swats !) With a noise of mourning and of lamentation Swats wha hae wi' Ahkoond bled, Let Swat bury the great Ahkoond Swats whom he hath often led of the Swattish Onward With the noise of the mourning to a gory bed, nation Or to Victory, is at length As the case might Fallen be) Its tower of strength, Sorrow Swats is dimmed ere it had nooned ; Tears shed, Its sun Dead lies the great Ahkoond, Tears shed like water, great Ahkoond of Swat Your great Ahkoond The is dead Is not ! That Swats the matter George ?bomas Lanigan.

Mourn, city of Swat Your great Ahkoond is not, DIRGE OF THE MOOLLA But lain 'mid worms to rot. OF KOTAL His mortal part alone, his soul was caught (Because he was a good Ahkoond) Rival of the Ikboond of Swat Up to the bosom of Mahound. Though earthly walls his frame surround (Forever hallowed be the ground ! ) And sceptics mock the lowly mound LAS, unhappy land ; ill-fated spot And say " He's now of no Ahkoond ! " Kotal-though where or what His soul is in the skies - A On earth Kotal is, the bard has forgot ; The azure skies that bend above his loved Further than this indeed he knoweth not Metropolis of Swat. It borders upon Swat ! [ 234 [ 235 A Nonsense Anthology A Nonsense Anthology

And fled the presence of these mortal big bugs o' the field ? When sorrows come, they come not single spies, Kotal's proud citadel- But in battal- Was Bastioned, and demi-luned, Ions : the gloom that lay on Swat now lies down with shot and shell Upon Kotal, Beaten By the guns of the Akhoond ? On sad Kotal, whose people ululate despairing caught, as For Or were wails their loved Moolla late. burghers pale of Swat Put away his little turban, The Cried in panic, '1 Moolla ad Portas " ? And his narghileh embrowned, -Or what? The lord of Kotal -rural urban- each in the cabinet his mark 'S gone unto his last Or made Akhoond, Kotalese Gortschakoff, Swattish Bismarck ? 'S gone to meet his rival Swattan, they explain and render hazier 'S gone, indeed, but Did not forgotten. The policies of Central Asia ? Did they with speeches from the throne, Wars dynastic, His rival, but in what ? Ententes cordiales, Wherein did the deceased Akhoond of Swat Between Swat and Kotal ; Kotal's lamented Moolla late, Holy alliances, As it were, emulate ? And other appliances Was it in the tented field Of statesmen with morals and consciences With crash of sword on shield, plastic While backward meaner champions reeled Come by much more than their own ? And loud the tom-tom pealed ? Made they mots, as 11 There to-day are Did they barter gash for scar No more Himalayehs," With the Persian scimetar Or, if you prefer it, « There to-day are Or the Afghanistee tulwar, No more Himalaya " ? While loud the tom-tom pealed - Or, said the Akhoond, 11 Sah, While loud the tom-tom pealed, L'Etat de Swat c'est moi" ? And the jimjam squealed, Khabu, did there come great fear And champions less well heeled On thy Khabuldozed Ameer Their war-horses wheeled Ali Shere ? 236 [ 237 1 11 Nonsense 4nthology of Nonsense Anthology

Or did the Khan of far Getfinpravadi- Kashgar Kligekoladji Tremble at the menace hot Grivino Of the Moolla of Kotal, Blivido- "1 will extirpate thee, pal Jenikodosk ! Of my foe the Akhoond of Swat" ? Who knows So they stood like brave men long and well ; Of Moolla and Akhoond And they called each other their proper names, aught more than I did? where they fell Namely, in life they rivals were, or foes, Till the lockjaw seized them, and both by the Irdesholmmes And in their deaths not very much divided ? They buried them If any one knows it, Kalatalustchuk Let him disclose it Mischtaribusiclup- George Thomas Lanigan, Bulgari- Dulbary- Sagharimsing . Anonymous. RUSSIAN AND TURK

HERE was a Russian came over the sea, LINES TO MISS FLORENCE Just when the war was growing hot ; And his name it was Tjalikavakaree- HUNTINGDON TKarindobrolikanahudarot- Shibkadirova Ivarditztova WEET maiden of Passamaquoddy, Sanilik Shall we seek for communion of souls Danerik Where the deep Mississippi meanders, V aragobhot . SOr the distant Saskatchewan rolls ?

A Turk was standing upon the shore- Ah no, -for in Maine I will find thee Right where the terrible Russian crossed, A sweetly sequestrated nook, And he cried : "Bismillah ! I'm Ab-El Kor- Where the far-winding Skoodoowabskooksis Bazarou-Kilgonautosgobross- Conjoins with the Skoodoowabskook. 238 ( 2 39] A Nonsense Anthology A Nonsense Anthology

There wander two beautiful rivers, You shall quaff the most sparkling of water, With many a winding and crook ; Drawn forth from a silvery brook The one is the Skoodoowabskooksis, Which flows to the Skoodoowabskooksis, The other- the Skoodoowabskook. And then to the Skoodoowabskook ! at the banquet, Ah, And you shall preside sweetest of haunts ! though unmentioned And I will wait on thee as cook ; In geography, atlas, or book, of the Skoodoowabskooksis, How fair is the And we'll talk Skoodoowabskooksis, And sing of the Skoodoowabskook ! When joining the Skoodoowabskook Let others sing loudly of Saco, Our cot shall be close by the waters Of Quoddy, and Tattamagouche, Within that sequestrated nook - Of Kennebeccasis, and Quaco, Reflected in Skoodoowabskooksis Of Merigonishe, and Buctouche, And mirrored in Skoodoowabskook. Of Nashwaak, and Magaguadavique, Or Memmerimammericook, - You shall sleep to the music of leaflets, There's none like the Skoodoowabskooksis, By zephyrs in wantonness shook, Excepting the Skoodoowabskook And dream of the Skoodoowabskooksis, Anonymous. And, perhaps, of the Skoodoowabskook. COME'S PROPHECIES When awaked by the hens and the roosters, Each morn, you shall joyously look On the junction of HEN the day and the night do meete Skoodoowabskooksis streete With the soft gliding Skoodoowabskook. And the houses are even with the And the fire and the water agree, And blinde men have power to see Your food shall be fish from the waters, When the Wolf and the Lambe lie down togither, Drawn forth on the point of a hook, And the blasted trees will not wither From murmuring Skoodoowabskooksis, When the flood and the ebbe run one way, Or wandering Skoodoowabskook And the Swine and the Moone are at a stay ; [+0] Z Nonsense Ynthology A Nonsense Anthology

When Age and Youth are all one, Charlotte was a married lady, And the Miller creepes through the Mill-stone : And a moral man was Werther, When the Ram butts the Butcher on the head, And for all the wealth of Indies, And the living are buried with the dead . Would do nothing for to hurt her. When the Cobler doth worke without his ends, And the Cutpurse and the Hangman are friends So he sigh'd and pined and ogled, Strange things will then be to see, And his passion boil'd and bubbled, But I think it will never be Till he blew his silly brains out, And no more was by it troubled.

Charlotte, having seen his body AN UNSUSPECTED FACT Borne before her on a shutter, Like a well-conducted person, Went on cutting bread and butter. F down his throat a man should choose In fun, to jump or slide, W. M. Thackeray. He 'd scrape his shoes against his teeth, Nor dirt his own inside. NONSENSE VERSES But if his teeth were lost and gone, And not a stump to scrape upon, LAZY-BONES, lazy-bones, wake up and peep He'd see at once how very pat in the cupboard, your mother's His tongue lay The cat's there by way of mat, asleep. And he would wipe his feet on that ! snoring, forgetting her ills ; Edward There you sit Cannon. Who is to give her her Bolus and Pills ? Twenty fine Angels must come into town, All for to help you to make your new gown THE SORROWS OF WERTHER Dainty aerial Spinsters and Singers ; Are n't you ashamed to employ such white fingers ? ERTHER had a love for Charlotte Delicate hands, unaccustom'd to reels, Such as words could never utter ; To set 'em working a poor body's wheels ? W Would you know how first he met her? Why they came down is to me all a riddle, She was cutting bread and butter. And left Hallelujah broke off in the middle [ 2 42 [ 243

A Nonsense Anthology A Nonsense Anthology

Jove's Court, and the Presence angelical, cut - Then doth tuck-man smile. " Them there To eke out the work of a lazy young slut. (Ho, and Hi, and futile Hum) Angel-duck, Angel-duck, winged and silly, Jellies three and sixpence air, Pouring a watering-pot over a lily, Use of spoons an equal sum ." Gardener gratuitous, careless of pelf, Leave her to water her lily herself, Three are rich . Sweet task 't is o'er, Or to neglect it to death if she chuse it " Tuckman, you 're a brick," they cry, Remember the loss is her own if she lose it. Wildly then shake hands all four Charles Lamb . (Hum and Ho, the end is Hi) . Jean Ingelow .

THE NOBLE TUCK--MAN

MERICUS, as he did wend THE PESSIMIST With A. J. Mortimer, his chum, The two were greeted by a friend, AAnd how are you, boys, Hi, Ho, Hum?" OTHING to do but work, N Nothing to eat but food, He spread a note so crisp, so neat Nothing to wear but clothes (Ho, and Hi, and tender Hum), To keep one from going nude. 11 If you of this a fifth can eat I'll give you the remainder. Come! " Nothing to breathe but air, Quick as a flash 't is gone ; To the tuck-shop three repair, Nowhere to fall but off, (Ho, and Hum, and pensive Hi), Nowhere to stand but on. One looks on to see all's fair, Two call out for hot mince-pie. Nothing to comb but hair, Nowhere to sleep but in bed, Thirteen tarts, a few Bath buns Nothing to weep but tears, (Hi, and Hum, and gorgeous Ho), Nothing to bury but dead. Lobster cakes (the butter'd ones), * By permission of Forbes & Co. i from °' Ben King's Versa," All at once they cry, " No go." copyright, 1894, 1898 . [ 244] [245] .44 Nonsense Anthology A Nonsense Anthology Nothing to sing but songs, Ah, well, alas! alack ON THE ROAD Nowhere to go but out, Nowhere to come but back. AID Folly to Wisdom, " Pray, where are we going?" Nothing to see but sights, S Said Wisdom to Folly, Nothing to quench but thirst, ~~ There's no way of knowing ." 1 Nothing to have but what we've got ; Said Folly to Wisdom, Thus thro' life we are cursed. ,, Then what shall we do? " Folly, Nothing to strike but a gait ; Said Wisdom to "I thought to ask you ." Everything moves that goes. Tudor Jenks. Nothing at all but common sense Can ever withstand these woes. UNCLE JIM Ben King. UNCLE SIMON AND T TNCLE Simon he Clum up a tree THE MODERN HIAWATHA To see what he could see When presentlee Uncle Jim E killed the noble Mudjokivis. Clum up beside of him Of the skin he made him mittens, And squatted down by he. Made them with the fur side inside, Artemus Ward. MadeH them with the skin side outside. He, to get the warm side inside, Put the inside skin side outside ; POOR DEAR GRANDPAPA He, to get the cold side outside, HAT is the matter with Grandpapa ? Put the warm side fur side inside. W What can the matter be? That's why he put the fur side inside, He's broken his leg in trying to spell Why he put the skin side outside, Tommy without a T. Why he turned them inside outside. D' Arcy W. Tbompson. Anonymous. By permission of the author . C 2 46 ] [ 2 47] A Z Nonsense Anthology Nonsense Anthology

The bridesmaid stuck on some court plaster, THE SEA-SERPENT It stuck so fast it couldn't stick faster, Surely 't was a sad disaster, LL bones but yours will rattle when I say But it soon got well. I'm the sea-serpent from America . Mayhap you've heard that I 've been round What do you think the bride was dressed in ? A the world ; White gauze veil and a green glass breast-pin, I guess I'm round it now, Mister, twice curled. Red kid shoes - she was quite interesting, Of all the monsters through the deep that splash, She was quite a belle. I'm " number one " to all immortal smash. The bridegroom swell'd with a blue shirt collar, When I lie down and would my length unroll, Black silk stock that cost a dollar, There ar' n't half room enough 'twixt pole and Large false whiskers the fashion to follow ; pole. He cut a monstrous swell. In short, I grow so long that I've a notion ? I must be measured soon for a new ocean. What do you think they had for supper Planebi. Black-eyed peas and bread and butter, Ducks in the duck-house all in a flutter, Pickled oysters too. MELANCHOLIA Chestnuts raw and boil'd and roasted, and onions toasted, a Apples sliced AM peevish student, I ; Music in the corner posted, My star is gone from yonder sky. Waiting for the cue. I think it went so high at first That it just went and gone and burst. What do you think was the tune they danced to ? Anonymour. " The drunken Sailor" - sometimes " Jim Crow," Tails in the way - and some got pinched, too, long. THE MONKEY'S WEDDING 'Cause they were too What do you think they had for a fiddle ? middle, HE monkey married the Baboon's An old Banjo with a hole in the sister, of a riddle, Smacked his lips and then he kissed her, A Tambourine made out And that's the end of my song. He kissed so hard he raised a blister. Anonymow, T She set up a yell F 14F [ 2 49] A Nonsense Anthology A Nonsense Anthology

THE SUN MR. FINNEY'S TURNIP HE Sun, yon glorious orb of day, Ninety-four million miles away, R. FINNEY had a turnip Will keep revolving in its orbit M And it grew and it grew ; TTill heat and motion reabsorb it. And it grew behind the barn, J Davis. And that turnip did no harm. THE AUTUMN LEAVES There it grew and it grew Till it could grow no longer ; THE Autumn leaves are falling, Then his daughter Lizzie picked it l Are falling here and there. And put it in the cellar. They're falling through the atmosphere And also through the air. . There it lay and it lay Anonymous Till it began to rot ; And his daughter Susie took it IN THE NIGHT And put it in the pot. HE night was growing old As she trudged through snow and sleet ; And they boiled it and boiled it T As long as they were able, Her nose was long and cold, And her shoes were full of feet. And then his daughters took it Anonymous . And put it on the table.

Mr. Finney and his wife POOR BROTHER They sat down to sup ; And they ate and they ate j T OW very sad it is to think And they ate that turnip up. Our poor benighted brother have his head upon one end, Anonymous. Should His feet upon the other. Anonymous. 250 .] Cz51] Nonsense Anthology A Nonsense Anthology

THE BOY Her mother heard the noise, And she thought it was the boys OWN through the snow-drifts in the street A-playing at a combat in the attic ; With blustering joy he steers ; But when she climbed the stair, D His rubber boots are full of feet And found Jemima there, And his tippet full of ears. She took and she did spank her most emphatic. Eugene Field. H. W. Longfellow .

THE SEA FIN DE SIECLE EHOLD the wonders of the mighty deep, HE sorry world is sighing now ; Where crabs and lobsters learn to creep, La Grippe is at the door ; B And little fishes learn to swim, T And many folks are dying now And clumsy sailors tumble in. Who never died before. Anonymous. Newton Mackintosh. THERE WAS A LITTLE GIRL MARY JANE HERE was a little girl, ARY JANE was a farmer's daughter, And she had a little curl M Mary Jane did what she oughter. Right in the middle of her forehead. She fell in love -but all in vain ; WhenT she was good poor Jane! Oh, poor Mary ! oh, She was very, very good, Anonymous. And when she was bad she was horrid. One day she went upstairs, TENDER-HEARTEDNESS When her parents, unawares, ITTLE Willie, in the best of sashes, In the kitchen were occupied with meals Fell in the fire and was burned to ashes. And she stood upon her head By and by the room grew chilly, In her little trundle-bed, ButLno one liked to poke up Willie. And then began hooraying with her heels. Col. D. Streamer . *From" Sharps for and Flats," copyright, igoo, by Julia Sutherland permission of R. H . Russell ; from " Ruthless Rhymes Field. * By Heartless Homes," copyright, rgor . [ 252 [253]

A Nonsense Anthology A Nonsense Anthology

IMPETUOUS SAMUEL BABY AND MARY AM had spirits naught could check, And to-day, at S breakfast, he ABY sat on the window-seat ; Broke his baby sister's neck, pushed Baby into the street ; he Mary So sha'n't have jam for tea Baby's brains were dashed out in the " arev," Col. D. Streamer . AndB mother held up her forefinger at Mary. MISFORTUNES NEVER COME Anonymous. SINGLY AKING toast at the fireside, THE SUNBEAM Nurse fell in the grate and died ; M And, what makes it ten times worse, All the toast was burned with Nurse. DINED with a friend in the East, one day, Col. D. Streamer. Who had no window-sashes ; A sunbeam through the window came AUNT ELIZA And burnt his wife to ashes. N the drinking-well " John, sweep your mistress away," said he, bring fresh wine for my friend and me." (Which the plumber built her) ~~ And Aunt Eliza fell, - Anonymous. IWe must buy a filter. Col. D. Streamer . SUSAN LITTLE WILLIE USAN poisoned her grandmother's tea ; Grandmamma died in agonee. ITTLE Willie hung his sister, Susan's papa was greatly vexed, She was dead before we missed her. S up to tricks And he said to Susan, " My dear, what next ?" L " Willie's always Anonymous, Ain't he cute? He's only six! " * By permission of R. H. Russell from " Ruthless Rhymes for Anonymoui. Heartless Homes," copyright, rgor . [ 255 a [ 2S4

A Nonsense Anthology A Nonsense Anthology

I never strove a metaphor MARY AMES To every bosom home to bring But-just as it had reached the door- ITY now poor Mary Ames, It went and cut a pigeon's wing Blinded by her brother James ; Red-hot nails in her eyes he poked,- Tom Hood, Jr. IPnever saw Mary more provoked . Anonymous. VILLON'S STRAIGHT TIP TO MUDDLED METAPHORS ALL CROSS COVES By a Moore-ose Melodist " ' Tout aux tavernes et aux hells " ever thus from childhood's hour, OH, I've seen my fondest hopes recede UPPOSE you screeve ? or go cheapjack ? I never loved a tree or flower the broads ? or fig a nag ? That did n't trump its partner's Or fake lead. Or thimble-rig ? or knap a yack ? SOr pitch a snide ? or smash a rag ? I never nursed a dear gazelle, nose and lag ? To glad me with its dappled hide, Suppose you duff ? or Or get the straight, and land your pot ? But when it came to know me well, the multy swag? It fell upon the buttered side. How do you melt Booze and the blowens cop the lot. I never taught a cockatoo To whistle comic songs profound, Fiddle, or fence, or mace, or mack ; But, just when " Jolly Dogs " it knew, Or moskeneer, or flash the drag ; It failed for ninepence in the pound. Dead-lurk a crib, or do a crack ; Pad with a slang, or chuck a fag ; I never reared a walrus cub Bonnet, or tout, or mump and gag ; In my aquarium to plunge, Rattle the tats, or mark the spot ; But, when it learned to love its tub, You cannot bag a single stag ; It placidly threw up the sponge Booze and the blowens cop the lot. C 256 J [ _7 J [ 257 1 A Nonsense Anthology Nonsense Anthology Suppose you try a different tack, And on the square you flash your flag? Man never is, but always to be bless'd ; At penny-a-lining make your The tenth transmitter of a foolish face, whack, Aaron's serpent, Or with the mummers mug and gag? Like swallows up the rest, For nix, for nix the dibbs you bag And makes a sunshine in the shady place. At any graft, no matter what, For man the hermit sigh'd, till woman smiled, Your merry goblins soon stravag waft a feather or to drown a fly, Booze and the blowens To cop the lot. (In wit a man, simplicity a child, With silent finger pointing to the sky. THE MORAL But fools rush in where angels fear to tread, It's up the spout and Charley Wag Far out amid the melancholy main ; With wipes and tickers and what not a vulture on Imaus bred, Until the squeezer As when nips your scrag, Dies of a rose in aromatic pain. Booze and the blowens cop the lot. Laman Blanehard. W. E. Henley,

ODE TO THE HUMAN HEART

BLIND Thamyris, and blind Maeonides, Pursue the triumph and partake the gale 1~J Drop tears as fast as the Arabian trees, To point a moral or adorn a tale.

Full many a gem of purest ray serene, Thoughts that do often lie too deep for tears, Like angels' visits, few and far between, Deck the long vista of departed years. 258 [ ] [259] A Nonsense Anthology A Nonsense Anthology

THERE was an old man of Thermopylx, Who never did anything properly ; But they said : " If you choose LIMERICKS To boil eggs in your shoes, You cannot remain in Thermopyhe." HERE was an old person of Ware Who rode on the back of a bear ; THERE was an Old Man who said, " Hush! When they said, " Does it trot ? " I perceive a young bird in this bush ! " T He said : " Certainly not, When they said, " Is it small ? " It's a Moppsikon Floppsikon bear." He replied, , Not at all ; It is four times as big as the bush! "

THERE was an old person of Wick, THERE was an Old Man who supposed Who said, " Tick-a-Tick, Tick-a-Tick, That the street door was partially closed ; Chickabee, Chickabaw," But some very large Rats And he said nothing more, Ate his coats and his hats, This laconic old person of Wick. While that futile Old Gentleman dozed.

THERE THERE was an old person of Woking, was an Old Man of Leghorn, Whose mind was perverse and provoking ; The smallest that ever was born ; He sate on a rail, But quickly snapt up he With his head in a pail, Was once by a Puppy, That illusive old person of Woking. Who devoured that Old Man of Leghorn.

THERE was an Old Man of Kamschatka THERE was once a man with a beard Who possessed a remarkably fat Cur ; Who said, " It is just as I feared ! - His gait and his waddle Two Owls and a Hen, Were held as a model Four Larks and a Wren To all the fat dogs in Kamschatka. Have all built their nests in my beard." Edward Lear. [ 26o ] [261] A Nonsense Anthology A Nonsense Anthology THERE was an old man who said, " Do Tell me how I'm to add two and two? [From books printed for the benefit of the New York I'm not very sure Fair in aid of the Sanitary Commission, 1864] That it does n't make four- But I fear that is almost too few." HERE was a gay damsel of Lynn, Whose waist was so charmingly thin, The dressmaker needed THERE once was a man who said, " How T A microscope-she did- Shall I manage to carry my cow ? To fit this slim person of Lynn . For if I should ask it To get in my basket, 'T would make such a terrible row." THERE was a young lady of Milton, Anonymous . Who was highly disgusted with Stilton ; When offered a bite, She said, " Not a mite ! " That suggestive young lady of Milton.

was an old man of Lyme THERE HERE once was a dear lady of Eden, married three wives at a time ; Who on apples was quite fond of feedin' ; Who asked, " Why a third? " She gave one to Adam, When T He replied, "One's absurd Who said, " Thank you, Madam," a crime." And then both skedaddled from Eden. And bigamy, sir, is

of Benin, THERE a young of Wales, THERE once was a person was lady to be seen in ; Who wore her back hair in two tails ; Who wore clothes not fit When told that he shouldn't, And a hat on her head ! " striped black and red, He replied, "Gumscrumrudent That was meanin'. And studded with ten-penny nails. A word of inscrutable [ 262 ] [ 26 3 ]

A Nonsense Anthology 4 Nonsense Anthology

THERE once was a girl of New York Whose body was lighter than cork ; VERS NONSENSIQUES She had to be fed six For weeks upon lead, POTSDAM, les totaux absteneurs, Before she went out for a walk. Comme tant d'autres titotalleurs, Cormo Monklaide. I Sont gloutons, omnivores, Nasorubicolores, Grands manchons, et terribles duffeurs. Un vieux duc (le meilleur des epoux) Demandait (en lui tatant le pouls) HERE was a young man who was bitten A sa vielle duchesse By twenty-two cats and a kitten ; (Q.u'un vieux catarrhe oppresse) : -_ Sighed he, " It is clear " Et ton the, t'a-t-il ote to toux ? " T My finish is near ; No matter ; I'll die like a Briton ! " Il naquit pres de Choisy-le-Roi ; Le Latin lui causait de 1'effroi ; Et les Mathematiques THERE was a princess of Bengal, Lui donnaient des coliques, Whose mouth was exceedingly small ; Et le Grec 1'enrhumait. Ce fut moi. Said she, " It would be More easy for me Il etait un gendarme, a Nanteuil, To do without eating at all! " Qui n'avait qu'une dent et qu'un aeil ; Mais cet oeil solitaire Etait plein de mystere ; d'importance et d'orgueil . THERE was an old stupid who wrote Cette dent, The verses above that we quote ; " Cassez-vous, cassez-vous, cassez-vous, His want of all sense O mer, sur vos froids gris calloux ! " Was something immense, Ainsi traduisit Laure Which made him a person of note . Au profit d'Isadore Parke. (Bon jeune homme, at son futur epoux.) [ 265 fl Nonsense Anthology .d Nonsense dnihology

Un marin naufrage (de Doncastre) Pour priere, au milieu du desastre Repetait a genoux WAS an indigent Hen, Ces mots simples et doux : - Who picked up a corn now and then ; "Scintillez, scintillez, petit astre ! " H She had but one leg George du Maurier. On which she could peg, And behind her left ear was a wen. Bruce Porter. HERE was a young man of Cohoes, Wore tar on the end of his nose ; When asked why he done it, T He said for the fun it Afforded the men of Cohoes. LEOPATRA, who thought they maligned her, Robert J. Burdette . Resolved to reform and be kinder ; " If, when pettish," she said, " I should knock off your head, Won't you give me some gentle reminder?" 'D rather have habits than clothes, For that's where my intellect shows. Newton Maclintosb. And as for my hair, Do you think I should care To comb it at night with my toes?

I WISH that my Room had a Floor; HEN that Seint George hadde sleyne ye draggon, I don't so much care for a Door, W But this walking around He sate him down furninst a flaggon ; Without touching the ground And, wit ye well, Is getting to be quite a bore ! Within a spell Gelett Burgess. He had a bien plaisaunt jag on. By permission of the author. Auonymoss. [ 266 ] [ 267 .A Nonsense Anthology

HERE was a young lady of Niger Who smiled as she rode on a Tiger ; They came back from the ride T With the lady inside, And the smile on the face of the Tiger. Anonymous .

HERE was a young maid who said, "Why Can't I look in my ear with my eye? If I give my mind to it, T I'm sure I can do it, You never can tell till you try." Anonymous .

INDEX: OF TITLES

ABSTEMIA . , . Gelett Burgess 53 Abstrosophy . . . . . Gelett Burgess . . 37 1Estivation ...... O. W. Holmes . . 136 Ahkond of Swat, The . . Edward Lear . . 230 Alone ...... 40 As with my Hat upon my Head ...... Dr. 7ohnson . . . xxx Auld Wife, The . . . . C. S. Calverley . . 192 Aunt Eliza ...... Col. D. Streamer . . 254 Autumn Leaves, The ...... 251

BABY AND MARY . 255 Ballade of the Nurserie . . _7ohn Twig . . . 6o Ballad of Bedlam ...... 24 Ballad of High Endeavor, A ...... 62 Ballad with an Ancient Refrain ...... 65 Bison, The ...... Hilaire Belloc . . 209 Bloated Biggaboon, The . . H. Cholmondeley-Pennell211 Blue Moonshine . . . . . Francis G. Stokes . . 46 Boy, The ...... Eugene Field . . . 252 Bulbul, The . . Owen Seaman . . 65 Buz, quoth the Blue Fly . . Ben 7onson . . . 66

CENTIPEDE, A xxxi Chimpanzee, The . . . . Oliver Herford 199 Chronicle, A 155 Classic Ode, A . . . . . Charles Batten Loomis 45 Cobbe's Prophecies 241 Cock and the Bull, The . . C. S. Calverley 165 Collusion between a Alegaiter and a Water-Snaik . . 7. lf! Morris . 143 Companions ...... C. S. Calverley 163 [2717

A Nonsense Anthology Index of Titles

Cossimbazar ...... Henry S. Leigh 43 Hyder iddle diddle dell ...... 73 Cow, The ...... 01iver Herford 198 Sunrise Cruise of the " P. C.", The . 13 Hymn to the ...... " z5 Cumberbunce, The . . . Paul West . 2z6 IF ...... 70 If Half the Road ...... xxxiii DARWINITY . . Herman Merivale 31 If a Man who Turnips Cries . Dr. 7ohnson . . . xxxi Dinkey-Bird, The . . . . Eugene Field . 218 I Love to Stand ...... xxxiii Dirge of the Moolla of Kotal George 2'. Lanigan 235 Imitation of Wordsworth . . Catharine M. Fanshawe 173 Impetuous Samuel . . . Col. D. Streamer . . 254 ELDERLY GENTLEMAN, THE . George Canning 1 34 Incidents in the Life of my Elegy on the Death of a Mad Uncle Arly . . . . Edward Lear . . 86 Dog ...... 01i

A Nonsense Anfhology Index of Titles

LIMERICKS - Continued LIMERICKS -Continued There was a small boy of There once was a man who Quebec . . . . . Rudyard Kipling . . xxxii said " How " ...... z63 There was a young lady of There once was an old man Milton ...... 262 of Lyme . . . . Cosmo Monkhouse , z63 There was a young lady of There once was a person of Niger ...... x68 Benin . . . . . Cosmo Monkhouse . . 263 There was a young "lady of There was a dear lady of Wales ...... z6z Fden ...... z6z There was a young maid There was a gay damsel of who said " Why " ...... z68 Lynn ...... z6z There was a young man at There was an old man in a St. Kitts ...... xxv tree ...... Edward Lear . , xxx There was a young man of There was an Old Man of Cohoes . . . . . Robert _7. Burdette . 266 Kamsehatka . . . Edward Lear . , %61 There was a young man There was an Old Man of who was bitten . . Walter Parke . . 264 Leghorn . . . . Edward Lear . , z61 Vers Nonsensiques . . . George du Maurier . z65 There was an old man of St. When that Seint George Bees ...... AV. S. Gilbert . . . xxx hadde sleyne ye dragon ...... 267 There was an old man of Lines by a Fond Lover ...... 53 Thermopylw . . . Edward Lear . . 261 Lines by a Medium ...... 41 There was an old man who Lines by a Person of Quality . Alexander Pope . . 5o said II Do" ...... 263 Lines to Miss Florence Hunt- There was an Old Man whu ingdon ...... 239 said ,, Hush" . . . Edward Lear . . z61 Lines to a Young Lady . . Edward Lear . . 88 There was an Old Man who Little Billee . . . . . W. M. Thackeray . 114 supposed . . . . Edward Lear . , z61 Little Peach, The ...... 138 There was an old person of Little Willie ...... 255 Ware . . . . . Edward Lear . . 26o Lobster wooed a Lady Crab, 'A ...... xxxxiii There was an old person of Lovers and a Reflection . . C. S. Calverley . . 170 Wick . . . . . Edward Lear . . 26o Love Song by a Lunatic ...... SS There was an old person of Lugubrious Whing-Whang, Woking . . . . Edward Lear . . z6o The ...... ames IV. Riley . . 63 There was an old stupid Lunar Stanzas . . . . . H. C. Knight . . . 15 who wrote . . . . Walter Parke . . . 264 There vas once a man with MALUM OPUS ...... Appleton Morgan . 135 a beard . . . . . Edward Lear . . . 26o Man in the Moon, The . . .`amen W. Riley . . zzo There was a princess of Martin Luther at Potsdam . Barry Pain . . . 16o Bengal . . . . . Walter Parke . x64 [775] [ 774

A Nonsense Anthology Index of Titles

Martin to his Man ...... 74 PANTHER, THE . 256 209 Mary Ames . Parson Gray . . . . . Oliver Goldsmith 150 Mary Jane 253 Parterre, The . . . . . E. H. Palmer and Man 56 Master 72 Personified Sentimental, The . Bret Harte 44 Mayor of Scuttleton, The . Mary Mapes Dodge 1 95 Pessimist, The . . . . . Ben King Melancholia . 248 245 Platypus, The . . . . . Oliver Herford 1 99 Metaphysics Oliver Herford 36 Pobble who has no Toes, The Edavard Lear 81 Minnie and Winnie Lord Tennyson 194 Poor Brother ...... 251 Misfortunes . Col. D. Streamer . 254 Poor Dear Grandpapa . . D'Arcy li! Thompson 247 Mr. Finney's Turnip 250 Psyeholophon . . . . . Gelett Burgess 246 39 Modern Hiawatha, The Puer ex Jersey ...... 138 Monkey's Glue, The . Goldwin Goldsmith 210 Purple Cow, The . . . . Gelett Burgess . . . 196 Monkey's Wedding The . 248 Python, The . . . . . Hilaire Belloc . . 2o8 Monsieur McGinté 139 Moon is up, The z6 of the Not Moorlands 36 RIDDLE, A . 70 Mors Iabrochii 4 Metaphors Tom" Hood, . yr. 256 Rollicking Mastodon, The . Arthur Macy . . . 1z5 Muddled Russian and Turk . . My Dream 28 ...... z38 Burgess My Feet . Gelett 197 SAGE COUNSEL . A. T. kuiller-Couch . 204 My Home 29 Sailor's Yarn, A Yames yeffrey Roche . 120 My Recollectest Thoughts Charles E. Carryl 21 Sea, The . 252 NEPHELIDIA A. C. Savinburne 158 Sea-Serpent, The . . . . Planche. 248 Noble Tuckman, The . lean Ingelow . 244 She's All my Fancy Painted Nonsense 16 Him ...... Leavis Carroll 20 Nonsense `Chomas Moore 47 She Went into the Garden S. Foote xxxi Nonsense Verses Charles Lamb . 242 Shipwreck, The E. H. Palmer II8 Not I R. L. Stevenson 194 Silver Question, The Oliver Herford 127 Nyum-Nyum, The ...... 6 Sing for the Garish Eye W. S. Gilbert . 13 Singular Sangfroid of Baby OCEAN WANDERER, THE . 18 Bunting, The . Guy W. Carryl 129 Odd to a Krokis ...... 146 Some Geese Oliver Herford 200 Ode to the Human Heart . . Laman Blanchard . -258 Some Verses to Snaix 147 Of Baiting the Lion . . . Ozven Seaman 2o6 Song of Impossibilities lVilliam M. Praed 183 Oh, my Geraldine . . . . F. C. Burnand 66 Song of the Screw, The . . . . 33 Oh, Weary Mother . . . Barry Pain 64 Song on King William III...... 67 On the Oxford Carrier . . . john Milton 157 Sonnet Found in a Deserted On the Road . . . . . Tudor 7enks 247 Madhouse ...... IS Owl and the Pussy-Cat, Tile . Edward Lear . 59 Sorrows of Werther, The . . AV. M. Thacktray . 242 2 76 [ 277 ]

A Nonsense Anthology Index of Titles Spirk Troll-Derisive Yames W. Riley 1o WALLOPING Story of Cruel Psamtek, The zz5 WINDOW-BLIND, Story of Prince Agib, The W S . Gilbert . 107 THE Charles E. Carryl . 123 Walrus and the Carpenter, The Story of Pyramid Thothmes 224 Lewis Carroll . . 93 Means Story of the Wild Huntsman . Heinrich Hoffman . 222 Ways and Lewis Carroll . . go Whango Tree, The Sun, The .7. Dawis 251 What the Prince of I Dreamt H. Cholmondeley-Pennell Sunbeam, The 255 215 When Moonlike ore the Superior Nonsense Verses 47 Hazure Seas W. M. Thackeray Susan . 254 49 Where Avalanches Wail . Swiss Air Bret "Harte .. 64 45 Wild Flowers Sylvie and Bruno Lewis Carroll 101 Peter Newell . 212 Wonderful Old Man, The 1 53 TENDER-HEARTEDNESS Col. D. Streamer . 253 Wreck of the <

UFFIA . Harriet R. White 10 Uncle Simon and Uncle Jim . drtemus Ward 247 Unsuspected Fact, An . . Edward Cannon . 24z Uprising See the Fitful Lark . 27

VILLON'S STRAIGHT TIP . W. E. Henley . 257 r ;z 78 [ 279

INDEX OF AUTHORS

A BECKET, GILBERT ABBOTT A Holiday Task ...... 137 ASHBY-STERRY, J. Kindness to Animals ...... 2o3

BAYLES, JAMES C. In the Gloaming ...... 23 BEDE, CUTHBERT In Immemoriam ...... 29 BEERS, HENRY A. Ye Laye of ye Woodpeckore ...... 139 BELLOC, HILAIRE The Bison ...... 209 The Frog ...... 207 The Python ...... 2o8 The Yak ...... 207 BLANCHARD, LAMAN Ode to the Human Heart ...... 259 BURDETTE, ROBERT J. Limerick ...... 266 - BURGESS, GELETT Abstemia ...... 38 Abstrosophy ...... 37 The Invisible Bridge ...... 196 The Lazy Roof ...... 197 Limericks ...... 266 My Feet ...... 197 Psycholophon ...... 39 The Purple Cow ...... 196 BURNAND, F. C. Oh, my Geraldine ...... 66 C 28 3

A Nonsense Anthology Index of Authors

BURNS, ROBERT DRUMMOND, W. H. Ken ye Aught o' Captain Grose ? . 73 Wreck of the "Julie Plante," The . . . . 116 DU MAURIER, GEORGE CALVERLEY, CHARLES S. Vers Nonsensiques . . . . . z65 The Auld Wife . 192 The Cock and the Bull . 165 FANSHAWE, CATHARINE M. Companions 163 Imitation of Wordsworth ...... 173 Lovers and a Reflection . 170 FIELD, EUGENE ...... 252 CANNING, GEORGE The Boy . . . . Dinkey Bird ...... 218 The Elderly Gentleman . 134 The CANNON, EDWARD FOOTE, S. . xxxi An Unsuspected Fact 242 Farrago of Nonsense ...... CARROLL, LEWIS W. S. The Hunting of the Snark 97 GILBERT, Ferdinando and Elvira ...... 1 1o Jabberwocky 3 . 112 She's All my Fancy Painted Him 20 General John ...... 1o2 Sylvie and Bruno . 101 Gentle Alice Brown ...... Sing for the Garish Eye ...... 13 The Walrus and the Carpenter 93 Agib ...... 107 Ways and Means go The Story of Prince of St . Bees . . . . xxx CARRYL, CHARLES E. There was an Old Man My Recollectest Thoughts . 21 GOLDSMITH, GOLDWIN . . 210 The Walloping Window-Blind 123 The Monkey's Glue ...... CARRYL, GUY WETMORE GOLDSMITH, OLIVER Mad Dog . . . . 151 The Singular Sangfroid of Baby Bunting . 129 Elegy on the Death of a Blaize ...... CHOLMONDELEY-PENNELL, H. Elegy on Madam . 149 The Bloated Biggaboon ...... 211 A Great Man ...... " " " " " 148 What the Prince of I Dreamt ...... 215 Parson Gray . . . . . " " " " . " 150 CLARK, LEWIS GAYLORD The Flamingo ...... 201 HARTE, BRET CORSET, BISHOP The Personified Sentimental " " 44 64 Like to the Thundering Tone ...... 27 Swiss Air . . . . . " " HENLEY, W. E. Villon's Straight Tip . . . . . " " " 257 DAVIS, J. HERFORD, OLIVER The Sun ...... 251 The Chimpanzee ...... " " " " 199 DEANE, ANTHONY C. The Cow . . . . . " " " . " " " 198 Here is the Tale ...... 188 The Hen . . . . . " " " 197 DODGE, MARY MAPES The Hippopotamus ...... " " " 19g The Mayor of Scuttleton ...... 195 Metaphysics . . . . . " " " " . . 36 L 284 7 C 285

Index of Authors A Nonsense Anthology LEAR, EDWARD-Continued HERFORD, OLIVER-Continued The Jumblies ...... 83 The Platypus ...... 199 Limericks ...... z6o-2,63 The Silver Question ...... 127 Lines to a Young Lady . Some Geese ...... zoo The Owl and the Pussy-Cat . . . . 59 HOFFMAN, HEINRICH The Pobble ...... 8 The Story of the Wild Huntsman . . . . . 222 There was an Old Man in a Tree . . . . . xxx ...... HOLMES, OLIVER WENDELL The Yonghy-Bonghy-B6 76 Astivation ...... 136 LEICH, HENRY S. HOOD, THOMAS Cossimbazar ...... 43 Faithless Nelly Gray ...... 131 LONGFELLOW, H. W. HOOD, THOMAS, JR. There was a Little Girl ...... 252 Muddled Metaphors ...... 256 LOOMIS, CHARLES BATTELL A Classic Ode ...... 45 INGELOW, JEAN Timon of Archimedes ...... 39 The Noble Tuckman 244 MACKINTOSH, NEWTON JENKS, TUDOR Fin de Siecle ...... 253 On the Road ...... 247 Limerick ...... 267 JOHNSON, SAMUEL MACY, ARTHUR As with my Hat ...... xxx The Rollicking Mastodon ...... 125 If a Man who Turnips Cries ...... xxxr MERIVALE, HERMAN The Tender Infant ...... xxx Darwinity ...... 31 JONSON, BEN MILTON, JOHN Buz, quoth the Blue Fly ...... 66 On the Oxford Carrier ...... 157 MONKHOUSE, COSMO KING, BEN Limericks ...... 263-264 The Pessimist ...... 245 MOORE, THOMAS KIPLING, RUDYARD Nonsense ...... 47 Limerick ...... xxxii MORGAN, JAMES APPLETON KNIGHT, HENRY C. Malum Opus ...... 135 Lunar Stanzas ...... x5 MORRIS, J. W. LAMB, CHARLES Collusion between a Alegaiter and a Water-Snaik 143 Nonsense Verses ...... 243 LANIGAN, GEORGE T. NEWELL, PETER Dirge ofthe Moolla of Kotal ...... Her Dairy ...... 213 235 . . . . azz A Threnody ...... 233 Her Polka Dots ...... LEAR, EDWARD Timid Hortense ...... 21s . azz The Ahkond of Swat . . . . . 230 Wild Flowers ...... Incidents in the Life of my Uncle Arly . . . 86 [z8 7] [ 286 ]

A Nonsense Anthology Index of Authors

PAIN, BARRY STREAMER, COL. D. - Continued Martin Luther at Potsdam ...... r6o Misfortunes ...... 254 Oh, Weary Mother ...... 64 Tender-Heartedness ...... 253 PALMER, E. H. SWINBURNE, A. C. The Parterre ...... 56 The Higher Pantheism ...... 30 The Shipwreck ...... 118 John Jones ...... 57 PARKE, WALTER Nephelidia ...... 158 Limericks ...... 264 PLANCHE TENNYSON, LORD 194 The Sea-Serpent ...... 248 Minnie and Winnie ...... M. To Mollidusta ...... 57 THACKERAY, W. POPE, ALEXANDER Little Billee ...... 114 Lines by a Person of Quality ...... 50 The Sorrows of Werther ...... 242 PORTER, BRUCE When Moonlike ore the Hazure Seas . . . . 49 Limerick ...... z67 THOMPSON, D'ARCY W. PRAED, W. M. Poor Dear Grandpapa ...... 247 TWIG, JOHN Song of Impossibilities ...... 183 Ballade of the Nurserie ...... 6o QUILLER-COUCH, A. T. WARD, ARTEMUS The Famous Ballad of the Jubilee Cup 175 Sage Counsel ...... zoo . Uncle Simon and Uncle Jim ...... 247 WEST, PAUL RILEY, JAMES W. The Cumberbunce ...... 2z6 WHITE, HARRIET R. The Lugubrious Whing-Whang . . . . . 63 Uffia ...... 10 The Man in the Moon ...... 220 Spirk Troll-Derisive ...... 10 ROCHE, JAMES JEFFREY A Sailor's Yarn ...... rzo

SEAMAN, OWEN The Bulbul ...... 65 Of Baiting the Lion ...... 205 STEVENSON, R. L. Not I ...... 194 STOKES, FRANCIS G. Blue Moonshine ...... 46 STREAMER, COL. D. Aunt Eliza ...... 254 Impetuous Samuel ...... 254 z88 [ 28 9]