The Krewe du Vieux Presents PURPLE PROSE, YELLOW JOURNALISM Le Monde de Merde AND THE LUST FOR GREEN Vol. 18, No. 1 February 7, 2009 Priceless Krewe du Vieux Releases Its “Stimulus Package” Named As Cruise Director – The whole damn thing nearly went down this year. The hot reality shows of the last twelve months were “American Idle” and “Survivor – Detroit”, while “Nightmare on Wall Street” dominated the silvery screen. The S&M 500 reached painful new lows, the stock xxx- change went totally limp (though bondage remained tight), and the Federal Re-Serve Soup Kitchen helped financial executives re- tain their golden parachutes while laying golden showers on the American public. Moose hunting came darn close to becom- trashed as well, while alleged mayor C. Ray The Krewe du Vieux’s seventeen sub- ing the new national pastime. But Joe the Nagin danced to a new musical genre known krewes will each present their own stimu- Dumber Plumber couldn’t unclog the voter as clusterfunk. lated, simulated, marinated, consummated, pipeline for Sen. John the Gone Pecan, and Meanwhile, two lonely cranes flew over- investigated, instigated, implicated, inti- defeated Republicans were left to console head in the sky…. mated, but never imitated interpretations of themselves with forty ounces and a drug As the economic ejaculation trickled down the theme. Subkrewes include the Krewe of mule. Illinois conclusively demonstrated that the legs of American taxpayers, Krewe du C.R.U.D.E., Krewe of Space Age Love, Krewe it is the new , with Gov. Vieux decided it was time for overnight deliv- of Underwear, Seeds of Decline, Krewe of Blowdryovich taking corruption, crudity and ery of a new Stimulus Package. This sex-based Mama Roux, Krewe of L.E.W.D., Krewe of hair style to poofy new heights. initiative was the climax of numerous bale-outs; Drips and Discharges, Krewe of K.A.O.S., Despite all the crises, American voters de- the Krewe gave in to its sub-primal urges, Knights of Mondu, T.O.K.I.N., Krewe Rue cided resoundingly to stay the course, elect- shaved its wetlands, and decided to go down Bourbon, Krewe de C.R.A.P.S., Krewe of ing yet another president whose ears stick right along with Uncle Sam and Fannie Mae. PAN, Mystic Krewe of Spermes, Mystic way out from his head. However, there were Drill, baby, drill! Krewe of Comatose, Mystic Krewe of Inane, hopes that the new guy had a little more go- The bears, bulls, brokers, bankers, flank- and Krewe du Mishigas. ing on between those ears, as well as some ers, wankers, spankers, yankers, news an- Also marching will be many of the city’s inaugural balls. Yes we came! chors, supertankers, sub-cruisers, sea cruis- top brass bands. Showcasing the local brass Titillation was not lacking on the local scene ers, bruisers, boozers, oozers, and floozies band talent is one of the few Krewe du Vieux either. of the Krewe will embark on their 12,000 step traditions not currently being considered for Holy Cao, Yatman, Dollar Bill Jefferson lost! recovery program through the French Quar- a federal bailout. Could it have anything to do with the fact ter and the Marigny on Saturday, February 7 The Krewe du Vieux is a non-profit organi- that his entire family, all his friends and even at 6:30 PM. Whipped into an FDICK frenzy, zation dedicated to the historical and tradi- his mailman are under indictment? Derrick the Krewe will form into a Merrill Lynch mob, tional concept of a Mardi Gras parade as a Shepherd also got Fed to the wolves, and a show its Bare Sterns, squeeze the Lehman venue for individual creative expression and jury decided that Vince Marinello had tou- Brothers, participate in an American Interna- satirical comment. It is unique among all pee for his crime. tional Group grope, Spank One (and prob- Mardi Gras parades because it alone carries The Southern Scrap Yacht Club held its first ably more), and declare moral bankruptcy. on the old Carnival traditions, by using deco- annual Industrial Canal regatta during Hurri- Parade-goers are advised to watch their rated, hand or mule-drawn floats with satiri- cane Gustav, putting on a real bang-up event. assets. cal themes, accompanied by costumed rev- Local culture was also saluted with the open- Serving as cruise director will be King Frankie elers dancing to the sounds of jazzy street ing of the Incestarium. However, it looks like Ford, who likes to see legs and definitely musicians. We believe in exposing the world our wetland dreams won’t come true for at knows how to pack a stimulus. Gretna’s only to the true nature of Mardi Gras — and in least another year. Grammy winner, noted ivory tickler and exposing ourselves to the world. Louisiana legislators brilliantly overturned crooner, seller of almost as many records as the voter-approved Stelly tax plan, immedi- there are dollars in the federal debt, King Krewe du Vieux Doo MUSIC/LOCATION/TICKET INFO ON PAGE 3 ately putting a nearly $400 million hole in the Frankie will be the Last One to Cry as he state budget and Gov. Bobby “Bubba” spreads a fortune in cups, beads and good Krewe du Vieux 2009 is dedicated to the memory Jindal’s rising star. The city’s budget was will along the parade itinerary. of Chris Mayeaux, late co-captain of LEWD. – 1 – King Frankie Just Keeps On Cruisin’ Only in New Orleans do the stories begin “Thank god my manager wasn’t driving an like this: “When I was still just a toddler, my Edsel,” says the king. family would bring me into bars, and I would His Italian father was not pleased by the immediately go straight to the jukebox and name change, nor by this rockin’ bluesin’ sit on the floor next to it. They would have to music his son was playing. “I paid for all bring me my food next to the jukebox.” those singing lessons, and now he’s sing- When King Frankie Ford was born, he ing this crap” was the old man’s take on it. didn’t let out a wail, he broke into a song. But that tune changed one other tune later. Our musical monarch began taking dance “It was Monday after Labor Day in 1958, lessons about three days after he took his and I got a call to get down to the studio,” first step, by which point he was already sing- says the emperor of the ivories. “Huey ‘Pi- ing up a storm. He made his on-stage debut ano’ Smith and the Clowns were there, and at age five; the microphone wouldn’t go Huey taught me ‘’. The musical down far enough to reach him, so he had to tracks had already been laid down, so I just stand on a chair. cut the vocals. made the de- The first song he sang? “Pistol Packing cision to put it out in my name.” Momma” – hardly a surprise, for King Frankie “Sea Cruise” was released in February 1959, is truly a pistol! and didn’t exactly go straight to number one. Voice lessons with a classically-trained But then it got some airplay on a major Nash- teacher began at age eight, and by the time ville radio station, and two week’s later, King he was twelve, our prodigious potentate was Frankie was on American Bandstand, where winning singing contests not just in New all those present who were actually alive Orleans but also statewide. This led to a trip agreed it had a beat and you could dance to to New York City and an appearance on the it. famed Ted Mack Amateur Hour show. The song quickly became a major hit, and Quarter,” he continues, “the mid-60s to the He turned pro shortly thereafter, playing in Frankie made five more appearances on Mr. mid-70s. Everyone dressed up, and it was bands at joints all over the New Orleans area. Clark’s show. truly the place to be.” One such gig, in the infamous Alibi Lounge This led to gigs at major venues worldwide, Times change, and places, and people. But on Airline Highway (presumably before Jimmy from the Hollywood Bowl to London’s Royal even though the venues may be different, Swaggert ever heard of the area) led to swap- Albert Hall. “I was going so fast I didn’t have King Frankie is still making joyous music and ping phone numbers on napkins with a tal- time to get frightened,” our melodic monarch loving life. ent scout. remembers. “I just went to the next show and “I’ve lived at the same house with the same Two weeks later, King Frankie got a call to played.” phone number for 41 years,” says the king. show up at the legendary Cosimo’s record- Now that Frankie was making more money “I’m never going to retire – why would I? I ing studio. Along with producer than his dad, the old man started liking this play about fifty gigs a year; they always take extraordinaire Cosimo Matassa, Johnny modern music a little better. He also man- good care of me, so it’s like having a week- Vincent of Ace Records and the man who aged the king’s treasure, so that his earn- end job. There’s really only two things you would become Frankie’s first manager, Joe ings went into the bank instead of into the could say to upset me: ‘You used to date my Corona, were waiting. Frankie banged out bars. grandmother’ or ‘You’re under arrest!’” two songs on the house piano, and they told King Frankie was now one of the brightest Not surprisingly, he also does four or five him to start recording. stars in the firmament of great New Orleans cruises a year. Unlike many less fortunate “I was 17 years old, and I was in awe of all musicians, sea cruising the world. Then came musicians of his era, he owns the rights to all the great musicians there,” recalls our sing- two doses of reality: first, he got drafted and his materials. So, after selling more than 138 ing sovereign. “But we recorded ‘Cheatin’ went into the army. Second, he said goodbye million copies of “Sea Cruise” alone, after Woman’ and ‘Last One to Cry’.” to Uncle Sam in 1965 – just in time for the being the only Grammy winner from Gretna, You know you’re a lucky guy when your British Invasion, which basically put the New Frankie Ford is now King of Krewe du Vieux. first recording is released on Friday the 13th Orleans sound out of business. “It’s gonna be fun,” enthuses our emperor. – and still goes on to be a regional hit. These Ironically, this may have been the best thing “I’ve been going to the French Quarter for early efforts also got him a gig in Philadel- that happened to the French Quarter since Mardi Gras since I was a child. And believe phia, where they thought he was black until Bienville dropped by: all the big names came me, I’m not above or below anything! he showed up, playing with luminaries like home and started playing Bourbon Street (re- “You’re not getting out of this alive,” he the Dells, the Isley Brothers and Little An- member, this was before it was home to little exclaims, “so settle down and enjoy what thony and the Imperials. This also landed more than drunk tourists, big-ass beers and you have!” him on Dick Clark’s daytime show. some 423 miles of neon). We’re not sure about the settling down part For those who aren’t familiar with His King Frankie was smart enough to adapt to – after all, we had to catch the King between Merry Majesty, King Frankie is more Italian the new musical realities. “If you live hand to excursions to London and the Caribbean – than the average pope. However, the musi- mouth, you’d better be ambidextrous,” of- but we are quite confident that His Majesty cal powers that be decided that an unpro- fers the observant oligarch. “I could play just (accompanied by the beauteous Queen Bar- nounceable last name (“a couple Zs and a from reading the material, so people would bara) and his minions will all enjoy Krewe du bunch of vowels”) was not the ticket to star- bring me sheet music and I would play it. I Vieux 2009 to the max. So come join all the dom, so a suitable stage moniker had to be could do cabaret, Broadway, you name it. sub-krewes on their sea cruise, as King found. “That was the golden age of the French Frankie Ford rules the waves!

– 2 – K.A.O.S. Introduces the New Voodoo Economics Corrections and ST. LOUIS SAVINGS AND CEMETERY #2 – tributing them to those with fewer beads. Clarifications The late 1970s were a time of economic tur- (Note: An as yet undetermined percentage • In last year’s Monde de Merde, we referred to moil, an energy crisis, and increasing unem- of all beads collected will be retained by C. as Mayor of New Orleans. We ployment. Sound familiar? K.A.O.S. members, and will be unavailable regret the error. Out of the desert appeared an iconic cow- for re-distribution, in order to cover various • City Hall’s address is not Perdido Street but boy actor who had honed his thespian skills overhead costs, processing fees, and bro- actually Fogedo Street. Ask someone who speaks appearing opposite a monkey. He promised kerage commissions.) Portuguese… to right the nation’s economy by providing • Appointment of Sidney Torres IV as head • We also referred to a mushroom in Oregon as tax cuts to the wealthy. In the 1980 Republi- of a new Trash for Cash program. “the largest living thing on earth.” This honor turns can presidential primary campaign, George • Distribution of American HEXpress cards, out to belong to Sarah Palin’s mouth. Interestingly, H.W. Bush derisively termed Ronald designed to boost spending at botánicas, neither of these organisms is connected to a brain. Reagan’s economic plan of tax cuts for the herb markets and live chicken dealers. • It was stated that the new Blackwater parade rich “Voodoo Economics.” • Unveiling of a new health stimulus plan, security guards would undergo “2 weeks of mule The cowboy succeeded in casting a spell “Pills for Ills,” featuring the distribution of acclimation”. It actually took most of a month for the over the American public, however, and the pills to cure any Depression. mules to acclimate to the Blackwater dudes. Reagan Revolution ushered in nearly a de- • Promotion of “Cranes in the Hair,” the lat- • The theme of the Krewe of Space Age Love cade of greed, arrogance, neglect, and hy- est, cutting edge recovery-based hairstyle. was omitted. pocrisy that was unmatched until recent • Promotion throughout the Gulf South, and • Another article implied that Gov. Jindal times. eventually the nation, of the “Ray Nagin Spe- supported money laundering. We have since Twenty-eight years later, the apple of cial” in order to boost business at local ho- learned that he prefers money dry cleaning. Poppy’s eye, George W. Bush (another faux tels and restaurants. cowboy) presided over an even larger distri- • IRA will now stand for “Involuntary Re- • The Vitter’s Family Values Meal menu stated bution of government resources to the rich tirement Abolition.” This program is a “de- that “no illegal aliens were harmed”. Sadly, our and powerful. If Reaganomics started with a ferred” retirement plan whereby productive favorite herb dealer, Jorge, has not been heard trickle, little Bush’s plan featured a fire hose seniors will be encouraged, if not required, from since May. spewing forth government money at an un- to work well into their 70s, 80s, or even 90s, precedented rate. The Bush plan was the ul- should they live so long. After all, flipping Krewe du Vieux Doo timate reward to the disciples of burgers at McDonald’s is a much more stimu- Reaganomics: greed was better than ever, and lating activity than shuffleboard. Saturday, February 7 was generously underwritten by the govern- Members of the Krewe of K.A.O.S., assisted Doors open 9:00 PM • Music starts 9:30 PM ment. by their own personal Loas, will be present Studio at Colton Because it seems unlikely that the failed at the 2009 Krewe du Vieux parade in order to 2300 St. Claude Avenue solutions of the 1980s will help our economic help educate everyone about the various between Mandeville and Spain Streets fortunes in the twenty-first century, the Krewe components of the New Voodoo Economics. featuring in order of appearance of K.A.O.S. has turned to a traditional New They will be distributing gris gris pouches, Orleans source for a solution. The result is a ju-jus, voodoo spells, potions, and voodoo Brass Band Jam distinctively New Orleans-based recovery dolls all intended to get our economy back Eric Lindell & Company plan — New Voodoo Economics. on track. Bring your chickens, snakes, black The new K.A.O.S. plan includes the follow- cats, and animal sacrifices, and K.A.O.S. will with special guests ing elements: help you get your mojo working once again. Zydepunks •To reduce dependence on foreign oil, cap- ³³³ turing the hot air given off by endless plan- ning meetings and using it to power turbines OPENING SOON!!! TICKETS $25 that will generate electricity. Available from • Exporting hurricanes to the rest of the na- The Ed Blakely Salon Louisiana Music Factory tion, so they too can enjoy the benefits of a 210 Decatur Street recovery economy (the “Drywall Stimulus “Cranes in the Hair” Up in Smoke Plan”). 4507 Magazine Street • Increasing tourist spending in New Or- Miss Claudia’s Vintage Clothing & Costumes leans by way of an expedited schedule for The latest Asian-inspired, 4204 Magazine Street Mardi Gras. Mardi Gras will now take place recovery-based coiffures. every other week, throughout the year. Ad- Studio at Colton 2300 St. Claude Avenue ditionally, Jazz Fest will begin on the Friday Soon, you will see them everywhere. after each Ash Wednesday. ³³³ A portion of the proceeds from the • Redistribution of Bead Wealth. K.A.O.S. The Ed Blakely Salon — members will be liberating excessive accu- 2009 Krewe du Vieux Doo will be donated to Where the Hairstyles are All Fluff mulations of beads hoarded by some of the the Studio at Colton. 2009 Krewe du Vieux paradegoers and dis- – 3 – Financial News New Investment Spanking Firm Promises Explosive Growth Spurt BALL STREET – Newly formed investment superfood provider, when people buy this since the end of the savings and moan crisis. spanking firm, Drips & Discharges Inc., has they go on to buy all sorts of other goodies Interviewed on Cox television, Cram-her em- gotten a jump on the market by creating a to go along with it”); XTC (“this company is phatically urged investors to reenter the mar- new binge fund. Its initial pubic offering cre- in it to win it, they never stop moving and ket and provide a much needed spurt of ated a tremendous surge of interest, swelling shaking”); COC and PUSY (“consistent mar- growth. “The whole thing is going up, up, the firm’s assets considerably. ket leaders when the economy is going up, and you don’t want to have come into Lead Anal-yst Jim Cram-her told Ann Cuny down”); LSD (“it’s making a comeback, or at this on the backside,” he advised. today on the Tomorrow show that many least a flashback”); TNA (“a good company When asked about what he sees on the people are turning to the new binge fund to to play with if you’re looking to put your horizon, Cram-her said that an infusion of cold cover their assets during these troubling money where the cock is”); and SHRM (“an- cash was needed to properly penetrate the times. He went on to list a number of invest- other cummodity leader that keeps popping market. He noted that the only city that is ment spanking firms that are eager to know up due to all the bullshit we have to deal immune to the current recession seems to be what the veteran anal-yst is packing in his with”). New Orleans, but he was quick to add that briefs. Cram-her went on to confirm that the Drips some of the local politicians needed some re- “Golden Sacs, Chased Bank, Capital Cum, & Discharges binge fund will cover the issued reality checks, including Derrick Whip-me Bank, Hardcock Trust, First Spank spread by selecting only cocks with a strong “Shep” Shepherd, “Dollar” Bill Jefferson, & Trust, Wachallovaya, Layme Brothers, growth potential and cunningly stroking the Troy “Three-Time Loser” Carter, Jackie Bare Breast Sturns, Fist and Sacman are all market. Now that the bottom of the market “Younger than McCain” Clarkson, and eager to know what cocks will make up the has been fully explored, Drips is expecting Veronica “Trashy” White. “These officials binge fund so they can adjust their portfo- strong, hard growth. “We’ll even bring Big need to be shipped out of New Orleans to lios,” Cramher told Cuny, “But why tell them George out of the pole vault if we need addi- prevent a serious depression,” he concluded. when I can tell you, the lay traders who stay tional resources,” added Cram-her. Investors can track the Drips binge fund home playing with their cocks every day.” In response to Drips’ initial pubic offering, portfolio by watching the tickler for these According to Cram-her, cocks to watch in a flaccid S&M 500 perked up considerably. symbols: DND, THC, XTC, COC, PSY, LSD, the binge fund include THC (“an agricultural In fact, the overnight rise was the largest TNA, DP, SHRM, TOE and TIT.

Underwear Goes Down With Uncle Sam WASHINGTON, DC (District of China) – In a rabid display of pubescent patriotism, Sarah Palin’s campaign wardrobe, North Da- Faced with an insurmountable pile of debt the Krewe of Underwear announced that it kota, and this Krewe of Underwear.” (among other piles), including trillions of would go down along with Uncle Sam. Said The local impact of the Chinese takeover dollars owed to the People’s Republic of one Underwearian, “We’ve been wearing red was felt immediately. For example, patrons at China, the government an- for years, we have a serious problem with Kong-Paul’s restaurant were puzzled to dis- nounced today that the entire country has population growth, and our eyes are slits half cover menu items such as Mandarin Alliga- gone into foreclosure. Keys to the Capitol the time anyway. Being owned by the Chi- tor, Sweet and Sour Catfish, and Moo Goo were handed over to the Chinese ambassa- nese and forced into sexual servitude was bet- Gai Panne. The Hornets’ Honeybees cheer- dor, Fat Wang, and all the monuments were ter than a lot of other offers we’ve received.” leaders were replaced by a squad of ten-year immediately coated with red lead-based paint. Rumors swirled that the Chinese had of- old gymnasts, the French Quarter has been Chinese bureaucrats poured into the capi- fered the Underwearians a very attractive renamed “Glorious Debt of the American tol in rickshaws pulled by out-of-work Big bale-out package. While the Krewe declined People Square” (dubbed “In the Red Square” Three automaker employees, while work be- to discuss exactly how many bales were in- for short), and the LSU athletic teams will gan on damming up the Potomac River. “No volved, one member did comment that “all now be known as the Fighting Pandas. real reason,” replied the ambassador when those farmers over there grow a lot more than On the plus side, spokesman Dong prom- asked about dam, “it’s just what we do.” just rice and water chestnuts.” Several 55- ised a “Great Wall of New Orleans” levee Ambassador Wang also noted that the gallon drums of Kama Sutra oil were also re- system to protect the city from hurricanes, stimulus checks received by millions of ported to be part of the deal. storm surge, rampaging B-movie swamp crea- Americans in summer 2008 were actually A Chinese government spokesman con- tures, and marauding Puritans. Furthermore, drawn straight from China’s official state-run firmed that his country had taken over both the Superdome will be renovated to look like bank, WonTon Savings and Loin. “And most the Krewe of Underwear and the United a giant pagoda. of you turned right around and bought things States. Speaking from Hong Kong, Long Indeed, the China-Underwear connection made in our country,” he chuckled. “I guess Dong stated, “In truth, America did not have is apparently so strong that the Chinese plan that’s just how the fortune cookie crumbles.” many assets left that were not owned by to replace new President Obama with an On Great Wall Street, news of the foreclo- someone else. The Brits took back their origi- Asian-Underwearian leader. The U.S. subsid- sure immediately caused the newly renamed nal colonies, the Germans copped that famous iary will henceforth be led by President Mao Jones Industrial average to fall by 669 ugly American attitude, the Russians grabbed Yomama. points. Said one trader, “This whole thing is the nuclear weapons, and the Swiss claimed Think this is all a bunch of nonsense? Don’t just a big bamboo-zle.” all the cheese. About all that was left was Tibet on it. – 4 – Krewe of Spermes Excited to Trickle Down VIAGRA FALLS – Long a stiff advocate for The NASDIQ Index surged and the Endowed to diversify. Now I say disseminate. Unload.” Trickle Down economic theories, the Krewe Jones Averages swelled in response. Foreign While investors prepared for an orgy with of Spermes is preparing for a massive release activities in Asian markets and the rapid ex- fresh young capital, Main Street walkers of liquidity Saturday night. pansion of Pacific rim jobs kept overnight wondered if they are getting screwed. Some “This is the money shot,” said economic trading active. Newcummers including Japa- are already turned off by the limp job market. advisor Milkin Friedman. “No more pussying nese consortium Suki Fuki Unlimited and “I am taking an early withdrawal and going around waiting for interest rates to rise, we’re Chinese affiliate Qu Ni Ling U.S. scored big back to storing my assets in my mattress,” flooding the market.” and hoped to rollover their investments sev- Spilly Robinson said. “At least this way I A krewe of extremely personal sperm bank- eral more times before they reached maturity. have the wet spot markets covered.” ers will hit the streets to seduce citizens back Bondage traders whipped Wall Street into “I finally got into a 4on1(K),” complained into robust cummodity exchange. a frenzy, promising a return to the obscene Eric Shon. “But the mutual fun dried up.” “It’s like priming the pump with millions of wealth of Throbbing Barons like the Mellons, As the dollar shriveled up worldwide, even tiny corporate raiders,” Friedman huffed rhap- Cockafellers and Scroosevelts. Argentine banks refused to accept IOFUs sodically. “They’re going to go door to door, Cumsumer Advocate and Pubic Citizen from the American Treasury, and Chinese in- and even to the back door, finding the deci- President Rolph Nadar is skeptical of the re- vestors repossessed various unnatural re- sion-makers and laying the foundation for covery efforts. sources throughout the United States. Am- some inside-her trading.” “Anyone who’s ever been on the rebound bassador Suk Mai Wang said, “I can’t wait The prospect of loose, sloppy credit can tell you coming from behind is dirty busi- bring my funny business partner to your spurred hot and heavy early action by major ness,” he whined. “Sometimes you get shitty country. Watch your daughter in donkey firms (and not-so-firms) including Organ results. Now you’re really in a hole. There’s show.” Stanley, Layman Bros., Titibank, CityGrope, no point in pulling out your investment now. No one-trick ponies, the Spermes sperm AIG-Spot, SpankOne, Goldman Suchs, and You just have to ride it out.” bankers will walk the streets of the Marigny others. Some on-top executives rushed to Former Fed Chairman Alan Greenspank said and French Quarter at 6:30 PM on Saturday, exercise boner options when they heard the he had changed his mind about markets, par- February 7. Loose assets and discharged news, and blowjob futures rose dramatically. ticularly meat markets. “I used to tell people credit will abound.

Whanker Bankers Snip Tips into Top Shape Schmekel is Worth a Few Shekels — Call WHANKERAGE, AK – The infamous invest- gelty expression on his face at being late. Today for a Free Estimate.” ment- and sperm-banking institution, Some years ago, Schmeckel convinced Shekel The partners are probing the field of cos- Schmeckel and Shekel’s Foreskins and Fore- that two heads were better than one, and from metic surgery as well. Since Jewish men are closures, LLC (Limited Liability Circumci- then on business just kept on cumming. Since better known for their financial endowments sions) has announced its corporate sponsor- the recent erection of Baruch Obama, they than their physical gifts, Abrahams, Isaacs ship of the Krewe du Mishigas. “This is a predict that the circumcision business will and Jacobs everywhere have flocked to great opportunity to expose ourselves to the continue to swell. Schmeckel for help in enhancing their penile community,” said CEO Dick Schmeckel at a Schmeckel and Shekel dispelled rumors that profile. “Their deficit needs our stimulus,” joint press conference with Mishigas mem- they were involved in a Ponzi scheme. “Rob said Schmeckel. “They are just a few shekels ber Hairy Weiner following their meeting in Peter to pay Paul?” said Shekel incredulously. away from the best-skinned, more-skin fore- the S&S-F&F LLC offices on the tip-top floor “That’s not even in our bible! Unlike that skin removement improvement.” of the Shill Center. schmuck whose name we won’t mention, we As far as circumcisions go, the two men Previously a Gentile from Gentilly known haven’t Made Off with anyone’s family jew- have different styles. “I’m a traditionalist,” as Johnson, Schmeckel is now the world’s els. We just take the tip off. That putz cas- Schmeckel says, picking his teeth with a sil- foremost expert in Jewish ritual circumcision. trated half the Jews in the US. He’s not a ver scalpel. “Personally I prefer a Mogen Years ago, Schmeckel brought together his mohel, he’s a boil on the tuchus of the finan- clamp but I have been known to use a talents as a banker with his newfound skills cial industry.” Ronco.” Shekel is more flexible, focusing on as a circumciser, or mohel (pronounced With the foreclosure business growing the individual penis, not the tool. “I’m a pe- “moil,” although those from da Parish might faster than a Brooklyn boy’s schmeckel at nis professional, an organ artist,” he declared. say “merl”). “Some people thought I was the sight of a hot, blonde shiksa, S&S-F&F, “It’s all in the wrist.” nuts,” he said, “but it was a stroke of genius. LLC offers a full range of financial and phal- When asked about how banking and Why not meat two needs at once? There’s lic services. Recent stimulus innovations in- wanking work together, they heartily agree, no shortage of foreclosures these days. And clude a fancy-schmancy advertising cam- “We both take a bit off the top. Whether it’s Jewish law dictates that boys be circumcised paign offering foreskin and foreclosure a shekel or a schmekel, if you do it early when they are eight days old. My slogan is, alternatives. Signboards scattered around the enough they don’t miss it at all.” ‘If it’s not a snip-off it’s a rip-off!’” office read, “Don’t Let Some Schmuck Fore- Schmeckel and Shekel and the Krewe du The two were joined by Schmeckel’s busi- close You,” “Let our Professionals Stimulate Mishigas invite the public to bone up on Jew- ness partner, Rich Shekel, adorned in his in- your Deficit and Snip your Inflation.” There ish ritual and prepare to have a ball at the vestment-quality gold chains, with a slightly is even a Shavings and Moan program: “Your Krewe du Vieux parade on February 7. – 5 – ing provide the unwashed with housing. Be- Roofs will replace blue roofs! After all, no one Seeds of Decline Watch sides, the government is over-regulating the can afford the rent anyway.” Fanny Mae Go Down financial industry. Look what they are doing When asked how all of this will be paid for, to poor Bernard Madoff! And furthermore, Fanny Mae just stared as a milky substance AUDUBON PARK PLACE – Fanny Mae, charity is for suckers, and the poor will al- dripped from the corners of her luscious red Washington hostess and past Queen of Car- ways be with us.” lips, and with a swallow replied, “We have a nival, was arrested today at the New Orleans He then hastily excused himself, muttering number of plans for financing these wonder- BO Railroad terminal for solicitation. Miss “Miss Scarlet is waiting for me in the conser- ful projects. Each and every street will have Mae, who has seduced and abandoned thou- vatory as she is every Tuesday afternoon.” crime cameras, provided and maintained by sands of homeowners to their miserable fate, In his last conversation with Miss Mae, our See No Evil Security Service, and we will had returned to New Orleans in search of her Freddie Mac apparently stated that he was continue to collect on them, whether they missing cousin, Freddie Mac, and claimed that through with the monopoly world, and all he work or not. We will eliminate the Free Park- her only solicitation was for people to become wanted was to put his two hands on a Whop- ing square, and there will be no more ‘Just part of the new New Orleans monopoly. per. Too late he realized that the Booger King Visiting’ at the Jail. If you land there, Marlin Her dear friend Mr. Galatoine Monopoly, on Canal ain’t dere no more, and after passing Gizman will collect room and board. We will retired CEO of Parker Brother’s Mortgage and the Golden Arches, Mr. Mac discovered Bour- of course double the charges for landing on Lust Company and the richest guy in any bon Street. More than a month ago he told his both utilities. As we all know, we are getting boardgame room, had Miss Mae released cousin, “My life was lonely until I met Marvin less than half the service we were getting immediately. The mustachioed gazzilionaire Gardens, and now I have meat between my before, and this might just bring things al- managed to whip out his “Get Out of Jail Free” buns every day.” He has not returned any most back to the new normal.” card (among other things), and brought to phone calls or been heard from since. When queried about politics, Mr. Mo- an end potentially the greatest embarrass- Miss Mae says that she and Mr. Monopoly nopoly replied, “With Clarence Death-Ray ment this city has seen since Eddie “Pass have “big plans for New Orleans – you won’t Nagin, who worries? And my dear friend The Hat” Jordan took over the DA’s Office. even recognize it with all the cranes in the sky. Fanny Mae will be a major factor in our suc- In her earlier go-around in New Orleans, I have just won $10 in a beauty contest, and cess. After all, every time she goes down, Miss Mae received mistress degrees in math- as soon as I pass go and collect that $200, we she also bends over, and together with ematics and business administration from will be erecting hotels everywhere! We already Freddie, there is something there for every- Twoloin University. She was later employed started by knocking down Magnolia Avenue, one. We have great things to look forward to by the Barely Legal Mortgage Company, be- and we are ready to convert any group of four in this city! And besides, folks, it’s only coming renowned for her ability to raise the low to middle income houses to hotels. Red money – Monopoly money.” moist interest out of any loan. Moving to Washington, she soon became the toast of local society, and her chest was admired by T.O.K.I.N. Gets a Bale-Out CARP. “This is not just a pipe dream. It ap- the entire community. HIGH STREET – A high intensity investigation pears that T.O.K.I.N. and Rep. Blarney share Mentored by her dear friend David Vitter, by the Totally Orgasmic Krewe of Intergalactic an agenda,” said Ms. Hemplant. Miss Mae was often seen with such mag- Ne’er-do-wells (T.O.K.I.N.) has unearthed a pre- Ms. Hemplant noted that the government’s nates of the financial community as Smith viously underground bale-out plan. previous TARP program, which covered local Barney Franks, N. Ron Hubbard, Arthur T.O.K.I.N. spokesHEAD Mary Jane roofs in blue, was a huge boondoggle for a Andersen, Deloitte Douche, Ernst Jung, and Hemplant noted that recent headlines have select few. “The current TARP program appears Price Waterworks, and had especially wild been filled with news of the Troubled Asset to be following the same pattern of distributing times with the CitiGroup and the Lehman Relief Program (TARP) bail-out plan. Appar- unbelievable amounts of cash to corporations Brothers, among others. While this party- ently the purpose of this program is to stimu- with no accountability,” she said. “We think hearty crew did little for local homeowners, late the economy by providing investment the CARP program will bring immediate relief to they managed to maintain a steady profit for bankers with enormous infusions of cash, the average person, while also providing long- the owners of the motels along Airline High- which they then use to reward themselves term stimulation for the economy as well as the way. The brash broad stated, “No sub-prime with behemoth bonuses, prodigious perks imagination. Not to mention the appetite — we for me any more, from now on it is USDA and golden parachutes. expect this program will also be a big hit with prime only!” Representative Frank Blarney, chair of the the snack food industry.” This reporter met with Mr. Monopoly’s long- Joint Committee on Sustainable Agriculture Rep. Blarney added, “We felt it was time for time friend and associate from Parker Brothers, and Herbal Enhancement, announced the a New Deal, if not a new dealer. When we Colonel Mustard, in the library of his St. Charles new policy, known as the Cannabis Assets came out with TARP, people thought we must mansion. Mustard stated that “I have known Redistribution Program (CARP). Noting that be smoking something; now with CARP, we Mr. Monopoly since we both served under cannabis is among the top three cash crops really are.” General Motors during the Bailout Wars.” in 30 states, with a monetary value of billions According to Rep. Blarney, the aforemen- Tightly gripping a candlestick, Col. Mus- of dollars, Rep. Blarney declared at the pro- tioned golden parachutes will be confiscated tard, who was Rex in ‘69, denied ever having gram rollout that his plan has a high potential for use as an aerial delivery system for the any personal knowledge of Fanny Mae, to revive spirits as well as the economy. “It’s bale-out. The public is invited to view the pro- though he insisted that “her intentions are a real home-grown solution,” he added. totype Golden Parachute System (GPS) at the as honest as her breast augmentation. She The Ne’er-do-wells, after holding a meet- Krewe du Vieux parade on February 7 as the came here to look for her cousin Freddie Mac, ing in a smoke-filled congressional hearing Totally Orgasmic Krewe of Intergalactic Ne’er- and has no plans to become involved in help- room, hashed out an agreement to support do-wells celebrate their bale-out bounty. – 6 – Comatose Extends the Guard the October Revolution of 2017. Riley is cur- NEW ORLEANS, 2050 – President Bobby as the human Hand Grenade over at the Tropi- rently employed in a work release program as Jindal and Louisiana Governor Bobby “Jun- cal Isle.” a security guard at the George W. Bush comic ior” Jindal today announced that the Louisi- “We have taken over operations at the Sew- book library in where Nagin oversees ana Irrational Guard’s tour of duty in New Or- erage and Waterboarding Board and crime is the Executive Privilege Department. leans has been extended for the 45th down to a trickle!” boasted Sergeant Pepper. Headquartered at the once-swank Holiday consecutive year, declaring the Comatose 69th Their decades of service have had a posi- Inn, the Guardsmen recently relocated to the Brigade fit for service. Mayor Bobby “Baby” tive effect on the city and the soldiers. Many Charity Hospital Condos in a desolate part Jindal III declared that the city would be lost Guardsmen have become quite sophisticated. of downtown. Cat food buffets and food without these old soldiers. The average age “The food here is the best,” according to stamp parties provide endless entertainment of these moth-eaten military men and women Captain Crunch, quartermaster and food critic for all in the area. Overpopulated jails are no is 80 but they show no signs of slowing down. for the Guard. Porn star Major Motion and longer a problem. Deconsecrated churches “New Orleans enjoys the benefits of mar- his girlfriend Corporal Delights rate the city have been converted to prisons and career tial law,” explained the Mayor. “These creaky “XXX.” They have made several adult films criminals are now sent directly to Congress. conscripts are the best thing since slave la- using the city’s crime cameras while also pro- Originally 350 strong, the force now con- bor!” Major Loss, spokesman for the Coma- tecting Bourbon Street from rabid Pentecos- sists of 35 elite troops. Dynamic, daring and tose Brigade, thanked the officials gathered tal preachers. demented social programs have been the at the annual Curry Conclave downtown. The original mission of the Unnatural Guard hallmark of their tenure. Last year’s Gun “Senility has really improved morale in the was to supplement the now-defunct New Giveback Program backfired and reignited turf 69th,” said General Malaise. The mood was Orleans Police Department. Criminals and lib- and trash wars all over the parish. Their past festive as the camouflaged troops pushed erals were taking over the city. success with running taco trucks and selling their walkers about the crowd. Many of the Former Police Superintendent Riley was di- used Glock handguns helped them purchase wizened warriors were eager to express their agnosed as fully delusional when he kept the last Humvee in existence. Thanks to time- enthusiasm. repeating “Crime is down!” to everyone. travel technology, Comatose will pimp their “We just love it here!” said Private Dancer. Former Mayor Ray Nagin was also diagnosed ride in the special edition stretch Hummer. “I finally get to practice while I patrol in my as delusional for not firing Superintendent Privates on Parade will march in lock-step Hummer.” Riley and for pretending to be the mayor. Both precision, Cocked and Loaded, through the “I like to spank people,” reported Corporal were committed to the Cranes in the Sky Asy- streets of the French Quarter. Show some re- Punishment, fondling his paddle. “The night lum in , established by ex-Recovery spect and salute these old fuckers as they life is terrific here and I can work extra hours Czar Ed Blakely following his overthrow in pass by in the 2009 Krewe du Vieux parade.

Mama Roux Says To Invest in Stocks and Bondage Royals decree: Chains we can believe in! CRAWL STREET – From deep in the Mama • We will not gag on our duties. Lame duck VP Lame Dick Chainey loudly Roux chambers, Queen DomINAtrix and King • We will maintain discipline. complained, “America will suffer if big banks pRick came out with this joint statement: “In From the dungeonous pathways under the and businesses go down.” Later his sharp these troubling times for stocks and bond- U.S. Capitol (and with only a little Bush left) cries pierced the hallowed halls, “No more, ages, when many find themselves strapped, President-Elect OhMama could be heard mak- no more…” we say suck it up – you will be bound to like it! ing this point, “We’ve got hard choices ahead VP-Elect Riden’ Biden spurted that the new “Obedient Subjects, with one hand we must but the ballout of Genital Motors will pen- package was “literally moving through the get behind Nasdick, Spank of America, and etrate and plug the downward cycle of the House like an Amtrak train through a tun- Semens. On the other hand we must make an economy.” nel.” example of Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, put Financial giant B.J. Morgan issued this “Chains, chains, chains, that’s all I ever hear them on the whipping posts, and give them a statement through Deep Throat: “Getting the about, my friends,” groaned Senator John good flogging. This will keep sub[missive] big one from the Federal Reserve Spank McPain, suffering from a humiliating defeat. prime loans out of arrears. wasn’t too bad, it’s just one of the high, hard Sources also divulged they heard muffled, “These are tough times, indeed, but we will facts. If each side bends over just a little, it faraway tones of Gov. Sarah wailin’. bring about chains we can believe in!” doesn’t hurt so much.” Said King pRick with great authority, “We And hence, the dominion laid out their royal Incoming Head of State Hillary Cliton was will witness rising hard assets as packages splatform: heard insisting “International trade cannot get stimulated. We will grease the wheels up • We will whip inflation. be blown off in a hard economy – we must front but especially on the rear end.” • We will beat stag(film)flation. push the boundaries; when the blowing gets “There have been many bad boys, but now • We will tie up good investments. tough, the rest must take it.” Husband we have things tied up.” asserted Queen • We will harness and control bad assets. SlickWeeWillie, who for years has invested DomINAtrix with rod of King pRick in hand. • We will cuff it up, and get Initial Pubic in the foreign cigar industry, summed it up “It’s a hard position to be in but just like the Offerings posted again. with a simple “Smokin’!” royal rod, the economy will rise again.” – 7 – Collapsed Rogues Appetize Profiteering Sharks City Introduces WALLEYE STREET – As the world’s “I was swimming in debt, so I had to turn to New Stuporcollider economy flounders, maritime money manag- the Codfather for some quick cash. Now I’m CITY HOLE – In its latest attempt to do some- ers have begun snapping up liquid assets squidnapping on his orders,” he lamented as thing – anything – that looks like economic from troubled land-based firms, creating a fin- he puffed on some cheap reefer in a sleazy development, the Nagin administration an- ancial feeding frenzy on the bankrupt-sea. sand bar. “It’s really crappie.” nounced today that it had erected a scien- “When Lehman Brothers sank, we saw our Some observers felt that the financial ship- tific marvel called a Stuporcollider. opportunity,” said Toni the Tiger Shark, CEO wreck was no accident. “I think they did this Combining principles of advanced quan- of Smith Barnacle, from her perch at the top on porpoise, or maybe even just for the hali- tum physics with New Orleans public school of the food chain. “By gobbling up these but,” carped a crabby Jamie Tilapia, a federal science, the Stuporcollider spins citizens guppies, we’ll increase our net profits two- diving regulator. “Now they’re singing a dif- around at incredible speeds, then crashes fold. It’s grrrreat!” ferent tuna. How could you just squander them together. They are then spit out at the Land dwellers have demanded an explana- away so many net assets?” black hole known as City Hall, where they tion as to why their institutions are reeling. As this oceanic orgy surges to a climax, the wait for hours to get nothing done. “Essentially, they got greedy and swal- firm Dorsal & Co. is looking to devour the “This achievement will go down in the anals lowed this whole subprime mortgage thing New Orleans market. On February 7, they will of New Orleans history as the greatest eco- hook, line and sinker,” said analyst Maury take to the streets and gutters of the city. nomic development tool since the casino,” Mako of Goldfish Sacks. “They took a spin “We’re trying to drum up some fresh meat, proclaimed city Director of Miscommunica- on the whale of fortune and lost. They didn’t er, clients,” one of the partners said, picking tion Beyond Quiet. “This should plug a few expect land speculators to go underwater, his rows of teeth. “Representative Ca-ong* holes in the budget, not to mention in Jackie and now they’re in the red, fishing for any has promised us lots of TARPON funds, so if Clarkson.” capital they can get – from loan sharks, even you need cash, we’ve got it. Of course, it While the unveiling of the Stuporcollider prawn brokers.” may cost you an arm and a leg….” caught most New Orleanians by surprise, One anonymous former mortgage trader Quiet revealed that alleged Mayor Ray Nagin *Vietnamese for shark confirmed the dark underbelly of the crisis. had actually been in Switzerland for most of the past two years studying the original supercollider. “He thought the Swiss machine was cheesy and had a lot of holes in it. They may be good at chocolate, but New Orleans AT THE KREWE DU VIEUX PARADE... is the Chocolate City, and he just knew we could cum out on top of them.” Bored bureaucrats at City Hole had no re- action, since most of them were asleep. How- ever, officials with the new pubic-privates partnership, the Horizontal Initiative, were thrilled. “The Stuporcollider is the climax of our attempts to stimulate the New Orleans economy,” cried a Horizontal spokeswoman ecstatically. “Not even the Orgasmatron can beat this off!” Average citizens were less impressed. “This ranks with building the jazz park and selling the airport,” said Joe the Plunger, emphasiz- ing the word rank. “If they really want to make some money, they should start selling Ray Nagin Countdown Clocks.” Things We Miss About George W. Bush ...WHERE INAPPROPRIATE IS THE NEW APPROPRIATE

– 8 – C.O.A. STATEMENT LEWD Stages Inaugural Balls Le Monde de Merde is offered WASHINGTON PARISH – Unable to score Mae,” Bama continued. “It’s a new step cho- tickets to the official ball following the inau- reographed especially for the balls, with a lot by the Krewe du Vieux in the guration of President Barack N. Roll Obama, of bending over. We think most observers true spirit of Carnival as a venue despite using every trick they know, the Lewd will find it very stimulating.” Ensemble of Wacked Degenerates (LEWD) Music for the balls will be blues, while re- for satire and political comment. is presenting its own Inaugural Balls at home freshments will include nuts, pasties, fur pies, The views herein may not reflect in Louisiana. and creamsickles. “We just couldn’t penetrate capitol society LEWD members will party in their very best those of Krewe leaders or all or get through the Oval Orifice,” admitted formal attire, including balled gowns and Krewe members. They are designed LEWD spokesman Al A. Bama, a 69th cousin fuxedos. “You’ll also see our tails,” promised of the new president, “but fortunately, we Bama, “as we go by in a flash.” to entertain and provoke thought. know a thing or two about big balls.” LEWD’s balls will be held on the night of Besides, ain’t none of us got LEWD will erect its own platform for its in- Saturday, February 7, in conjugal conjunc- augural balls. “Who needs Capitol Hill when tion with the Krewe du Vieux parade. Those nothin’ worth suing for and we we have our twin peaks, and many sets of wishing to attend will be asked to submit to have the 401k statement to prove it. them?” queried Mr. Bama, who added that full body searches, and other security mea- the edifice would be a monument to Wash- surements may be taken. ington, Lincoln and good taste. All material ©2009 “The first screw job, sorry, I mean dance The Krewe of LEWD marches this year in by the Krewe du Vieux. will be performed by Uncle Sam and Fannie honor of fallen co-captain Chris Mayeaux.

– 9 – C.R.U.D.E Gives in to Sub-Primal Urges HARVEY TUNNEL OF LOVE – The Krewe of denied this group a permit to simply ‘crap Despite the initial setbacks, interest in join- C.R.U.D.E. announced today that as a result outside their cave’ as they requested. They’ll ing the group has been strong, forcing them of the worsening world financial crisis, it is have to hook up to city services like every- to become selective about whom they accept. launching a movement to return society to one else. Even if it does take several epochs.” “We let ex-Congressman Bill Jefferson have its most basic roots. A spokesman for the Further difficulties arose in the form of op- some space in the cave,” Oog said, “but we group, wishing to be known only as Oog, position from local Creationists, led by the had to get rid of him when we found out he’d stated that “the lack of money got us into Rev. Fried Norms. “We believe that the world hidden 90,000 clams in his food storage pit.” this mess, so we want to go back to a time is only 5000 years old, so CRUDE cannot When asked how the group learned of the before money. We’re going all the way back possibly return to a 10,000 year old lifestyle,” clams, which turned out to have been stolen to the Pleistocene. We intend to party like its complained Rev. Norms. “Not only that, we from the Clan of the Dark and Moody,” Oog 9999 BC.” also believe the government bailout is going said, “Like many of his other activities, this Oog foresaw some difficulties in achieving to work.” one just smelled bad.” this goal, specifically citing “a distinct lack of Oog, who insisted that his group now be One positive aspect of the group’s prehis- caves in southern Louisiana for us to live in.” known as the “Clan of the Caved Bear Mar- toric lifestyle, according to spokes-hominid Until it can find an appropriate spread, the ket,” also noted that they were experiencing Oog, has been the simplification of the dat- group temporarily has occupied the Harvey difficulties in pursuing traditional lifestyle ing scene for the group’s younger members. Canal Tunnel and decorated it with cave choices like hunting and gathering. “Have “We’ve done away with complicated mating paintings. “Everything was looking great until you tried to hunt mega-fauna in Louisiana rituals like internet chat rooms, speed dating, that idiot Fred Radtke spray-painted over our lately?” Oog asked. “The closest thing we and Sex in the City marathons,” said Oog. “If traditional hunting scene,” Oog lamented. could find to a mastodon was an elephant at you see someone you like, you simply walk He added that the Krewe has been in nego- Audubon Zoo. Not only would they not let over, clobber them in the head, and drag them tiation with Brad Pitt to finance the construc- us hunt it, but they revoked our Zoo mem- back to your cave by their hair. I believe the tion of a permanent cave in the Lower Ninth berships! Now we’re reduced to eating crick- young people call it ‘going clubbing.’” Ward. “Cavemen were the original environ- ets at the Insectarium. We may have to go on The Clan formerly known as the Krewe of mentalists,” he pointed out. “They didn’t a Quest for Fire Ants. They have a nice nutty C.R.U.D.E. is expected to engage in tribal ritu- even have fossils, let alone fossil fuels.” flavor that kicks it up a notch. Otherwise, we’ll als and give in to Sub-Primal urges in a primi- However, a spokesman for the LA Dept. of all be standing in line at the primordial soup tive display of prehistoric proportions on the Health and Hospitals announced: “We’ve kitchen.” night of February 7.

Space Age Love Shaves the Wetlands pipes around here.” HELL BEACH, LA – In a press conference at Knobby Dick Cypress Tree. Funds will also be raised by converting the Phucks Unlimited headquarters, the It is rumored that Senator D. Rid-Her and abandoned oil platforms into remote, roman- Krewe of Space Age Love announced today Governor Bob-me Sin-all are adamantly op- tic guest houses. “There should be no end that it has launched a movement to Shave posed to any sex act cumming from the newly to the pumping action,” proclaimed a KSAL the Wetlands. In support of this initiative and re-selected Senator in support of her wetlands. member, “and all those sticky substances can to help provide protection for Louisiana’s “We are not procreationists,” moaned Gov. help overcome subsidence.” Lower parishes and all creatures that are big Sin-all, “and we condom these acts.” Additional promotions will include Space and small, Louisiana Senator Venus da In re-butt-all, Senator da Landrieu has en- Age Love’s Golden Oysters, Dick Raisers, Landrieu has proposed the Trojan-Landrieu listed long time contortionists XXX-Gover- Trojan Motions, and Bump-her Stickers. Nev- act of 2009. nor Head-wind Head-wards, the You-He-Be ertheless, a krewe representative warned, Sen. da Landrieu declared “We will shave Long Foundation and the New Poor-Leans “Please be careful when shaving the wet- the Bush policies of the past and protect our Petty Council. Mayor See-Ray Fakin could lands, as not everyone has the finely honed exposed wetlands from all future surges. The not be located to determine whether or not skills of a Space Age Lover!” canals must be filled, and all those soft, musty he favored the Act. To honor the beautiful Venus da Landrieu, marshes must be treated with tender, loving To finance the Trojan-Landrieu Act, Sen. the Wetlands Guardian and Champion of care. This is true on the East Spank as well as da Landrieu has proposed the Wetlands Wild- Stimulus, a statue will be erected on a par- the West Spank.” Life Fun. Sexcise taxes will be imposed on ticularly moist wetland. The location is at the Under the protection of the Trojan- the greedy oil companies Phillips 69, intersection of two canals and is known for Landrieu Act, LaDouche Parish, New I-Bonia ShaveronSexaco, Vulva-Line, Muff-y Oil, BP its firm foundation. Parish, St. Hairy Parish, Tear-A-Bone Parish, (Big Prick), SexxonMobile, Wear-A-Thong To provide an initial spurt for the Wetland and Sperm-Million Parish soon expect to have and Smell Oil. Fun, Senator da Landrieu has declared Sat- moist and happy wetlands. The first to be It has also been proposed to use profits urday, February 7th “Shave the Wetlands shaved will be St. Hairy Parish. from swamp grass sales to augment the Wet- Day”. Space Age Love will feel her way Conservationists were deeply gratified by lands Fun. “People around here will eat pretty through the French Quarter with her Krewe provisions of the Trojan-Landrieu Act that much anything,” commented Sen. da du Vieux sisters celebrating and handling our also envelope the Swamp Beaver, the Water Landrieu, “and whatever they don’t eat, they loyal New Orleanians on the way to a climax Cock-a-sin, the Great White Her-On, and the will certainly smoke. And we have plenty of at the Krewe du Vieux Doo and Gumbo Party. – 10 – Rue Bourbon Delivers Good Vibrations FED SEX/KINKY’S – Every morning a truck livered until the customer comes.” of our female drivers are among our busiest – full of packages and goodies, all neatly Still, while Daniels was certainly an eager they’re really whipped at the end of the day.” wrapped in plain brown paper, awaits Ray beaver, there remained questions about men Daniels spoke up. “Yeah, when one of my Beauregard Daniels. who might want RBD to manage their loads. coworkers, Rachel Bailey Dawson, pulls up This trusty driver for Rue Bourbon Deliv- Were women hired as package handlers or to a loading dock to deliver her box, you’ve ery knows that if he doesn’t go the whole was it just males who serviced the custom- never seen a bunch of guys so eager to have route, then many of his faithful clientele will ers? their packages handled.” be forced to take matters into their own Ms. Dylan cleared this up. “Oh, no. We Dylan confirmed Daniels’ assessment. “Oh, hands. have many women drivers. I’m certain that yeah, Rachel is really delivering good vibra- “There’s nothing sadder than a frustrated every man will find at least one of our drivers tions. And really, that’s what Rue Bourbon customer. Particularly when I know, with to his licking…er…liking. Ripe Breasts, Delivery is all about.” RBD’s policy of delivering good vibrations, Round Butts, Ripped Backs, Rope Bondage, RBDelivery will be spreading the love I can leave them completely satisfied,” Ray Red Brazilians, Raw Blowjobs, Really Beauti- through the Marigny and French Quarter on said, firing up the truck and pulling out so he ful, Raunchy and Bashful, RBDelivery has Saturday, February 7 in the Krewe du Vieux could leave his load in the hands of his many women drivers for every man’s desire. Some parade. See if you can handle it. admiring customers. RBDelivery has had the “Good Vibrations” policy for several years, but few at the com- pany have approached its implementation with the zeal of Daniels. Regional manager Renata Beth Dylan was effusive in her praise of the dedicated deliveryman. “Ray really knows the meaning of handle with care. He will go to any length, try any combination of techniques, toys, tongues, talking, to satisfy the ladies on his route. Once there was an office manager who needed a serious tongue-lashing combined with a 12-inch vibrator, several varieties of suction cups and an assortment of jams and jellies before she could…“ At this point Daniels interrupted the story “Come on Renata, I just do what a man has to do to get the job done.” “Oh, now Ray, I’m going to let the pussy out of the sack…er.. the cat out of the bag.” Leaning in, she added, “You know he’s got a Really Big…” Daniels protested, “Whoa now! You don’t want to tell the reporter everything. Unless you want me spreading your Ravishingly Beautiful Derriere…I mean spreading the word about your cute butt.” Ms. Dylan was briefly embarrassed, but composed herself and continued. “See, RBDelivery figured that if we can’t provide economic stimulus to our customers, we can stimulate them in other ways. We offer half price delivery on all sex toys, porn and lube, because we figured so long as your 401k is going down you ought to be getting down. The head of Customer Servicing puts it this way: ‘If the stock market tanked at least you should be getting your crank yanked.’” Daniels added “He also says that ‘if your assets aren’t liquid at least someone should be getting you wet.’ So we made the commit- ment that the package hasn’t really been de- – 11 – Pubic Service Announcement Hi-Def Jam is Coming in February The FCC (Federal Censorship Commission) reminds you that all analog television broad- casts will cease on February 17, 2009, and will be replaced with highfidelity digital trans- missions. All intelligent life will cease shortly thereafter, and be replaced with lard-bot- tomed, small-brained hominids incapable of critical thinking or an original idea. Since this date is shortly after the inaugura- tion of our first African-American President, the major television networks have agreed to broadcast only urban and rap music videos the week before the changeover. These will be interspersed with FCC (Foolish Congres- sional Concept) instructions on how to sur- vive the transition. “Our intention is to not only remind viewers of this transition, but also to acclimate them to the reality of having an ethnic Commander- in-Chief,” said newly-appointed FCC (Free Com- IT’S AN OFFICIAL “W” THROW mentary Correctors) chairman and urban music mogel Russell Simmons. His brother, Richard Simmons, queen of New Orleans fitness, an- nounced that the name of this week-long pro- gramming will be ”Rabbit Ears Hip-Hop Into the Future”. To assist viewers not familiar with the nu- The End of Satire? ances of these art forms, the FCC (Fucking PARADIS, LA – Following November’s his- islators, scandalous senators and Conversation Chillers) will provide transla- toric presidential election, the National Union concupiscent congressmen throughout the tions in the following languages: Geek, of Topical Satirists (NUTS) reported that land. And states from Alaska to Illinois run Preppy, Hockeymom, Surfer, Uptown, Hick, many of its members appeared to be going the gubernatorial gamut from goofy to Biker, and Yat. Due to lack of demand, there through withdrawal, showing signs of de- greedy,” she said. will be no translations into Banker, Broker or pression and anxiety. There were reports of Our reporter noted that in New Orleans, Car Talk. strange behavior like hanging around the people stopped laughing at presidential an- White House press room hoping for one last tics somewhere around August 29, 2005. She Bush press conference. opined that the Obama administration might NUTS convened an emergency meeting to yet provide some opportunities for parody. address the future of satire in the age of “With Hillary Clinton in the Cabinet, there’s Obama. “George Bush provided us with so always the possibility that Bill will oblige with much material, it’s almost like he was writing some carnal capers and shady shenanigans,” our stuff for us,” said one lachrymose she said. lampooner. “The Obama administration is Other NUTS held out hope that some of the going to be much more of a challenge. more colorful members of the new adminis- Monde de Merde reporter Margaret Orr- tration might provide satirical fodder. In par- Gasm attended the meeting as a representa- ticular, Rahm “Das” Emanuel, Bob “Not Bill” tive of the New Orleans Satirists, Hedonists Gates and Vice President Joey “The Mouth” and Ironic Twits (NOSHIT). She encouraged Biden offered faint glimmers of opporutnity the morose mockers to think locally. “While in wait. Nevertheless, “I Miss George” VISIT THE other states and cities may not have the bumper stickers and “Sarah 2012” pins were bounty of buffoonery that we have in New flying off the sales tables, and many lament- KdV WEBSITE: Orleans, there are crooked councilmen, ing lampooners were convinced that this was www.kreweduvieux.org(y) addled aldermen, moronic mayors, loony leg- indeed the end of satire as we know it.

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