The Krewe du Vieux Presents PURPLE PROSE, YELLOW JOURNALISM Le Monde de Merde AND THE LUST FOR GREEN Vol. 18, No. 1 February 7, 2009 Priceless Krewe du Vieux Releases Its “Stimulus Package” Frankie Ford Named As Cruise Director NEW ORLEANS – The whole damn thing nearly went down this year. The hot reality shows of the last twelve months were “American Idle” and “Survivor – Detroit”, while “Nightmare on Wall Street” dominated the silvery screen. The S&M 500 reached painful new lows, the stock xxx- change went totally limp (though bondage remained tight), and the Federal Re-Serve Soup Kitchen helped financial executives re- tain their golden parachutes while laying golden showers on the American public. Moose hunting came darn close to becom- trashed as well, while alleged mayor C. Ray The Krewe du Vieux’s seventeen sub- ing the new national pastime. But Joe the Nagin danced to a new musical genre known krewes will each present their own stimu- Dumber Plumber couldn’t unclog the voter as clusterfunk. lated, simulated, marinated, consummated, pipeline for Sen. John the Gone Pecan, and Meanwhile, two lonely cranes flew over- investigated, instigated, implicated, inti- defeated Republicans were left to console head in the sky…. mated, but never imitated interpretations of themselves with forty ounces and a drug As the economic ejaculation trickled down the theme. Subkrewes include the Krewe of mule. Illinois conclusively demonstrated that the legs of American taxpayers, Krewe du C.R.U.D.E., Krewe of Space Age Love, Krewe it is the new Louisiana, with Gov. Vieux decided it was time for overnight deliv- of Underwear, Seeds of Decline, Krewe of Blowdryovich taking corruption, crudity and ery of a new Stimulus Package. This sex-based Mama Roux, Krewe of L.E.W.D., Krewe of hair style to poofy new heights. initiative was the climax of numerous bale-outs; Drips and Discharges, Krewe of K.A.O.S., Despite all the crises, American voters de- the Krewe gave in to its sub-primal urges, Knights of Mondu, T.O.K.I.N., Krewe Rue cided resoundingly to stay the course, elect- shaved its wetlands, and decided to go down Bourbon, Krewe de C.R.A.P.S., Krewe of ing yet another president whose ears stick right along with Uncle Sam and Fannie Mae. PAN, Mystic Krewe of Spermes, Mystic way out from his head. However, there were Drill, baby, drill! Krewe of Comatose, Mystic Krewe of Inane, hopes that the new guy had a little more go- The bears, bulls, brokers, bankers, flank- and Krewe du Mishigas. ing on between those ears, as well as some ers, wankers, spankers, yankers, news an- Also marching will be many of the city’s inaugural balls. Yes we came! chors, supertankers, sub-cruisers, sea cruis- top brass bands. Showcasing the local brass Titillation was not lacking on the local scene ers, bruisers, boozers, oozers, and floozies band talent is one of the few Krewe du Vieux either. of the Krewe will embark on their 12,000 step traditions not currently being considered for Holy Cao, Yatman, Dollar Bill Jefferson lost! recovery program through the French Quar- a federal bailout. Could it have anything to do with the fact ter and the Marigny on Saturday, February 7 The Krewe du Vieux is a non-profit organi- that his entire family, all his friends and even at 6:30 PM. Whipped into an FDICK frenzy, zation dedicated to the historical and tradi- his mailman are under indictment? Derrick the Krewe will form into a Merrill Lynch mob, tional concept of a Mardi Gras parade as a Shepherd also got Fed to the wolves, and a show its Bare Sterns, squeeze the Lehman venue for individual creative expression and jury decided that Vince Marinello had tou- Brothers, participate in an American Interna- satirical comment. It is unique among all pee for his crime. tional Group grope, Spank One (and prob- Mardi Gras parades because it alone carries The Southern Scrap Yacht Club held its first ably more), and declare moral bankruptcy. on the old Carnival traditions, by using deco- annual Industrial Canal regatta during Hurri- Parade-goers are advised to watch their rated, hand or mule-drawn floats with satiri- cane Gustav, putting on a real bang-up event. assets. cal themes, accompanied by costumed rev- Local culture was also saluted with the open- Serving as cruise director will be King Frankie elers dancing to the sounds of jazzy street ing of the Incestarium. However, it looks like Ford, who likes to see legs and definitely musicians. We believe in exposing the world our wetland dreams won’t come true for at knows how to pack a stimulus. Gretna’s only to the true nature of Mardi Gras — and in least another year. Grammy winner, noted ivory tickler and exposing ourselves to the world. Louisiana legislators brilliantly overturned crooner, seller of almost as many records as the voter-approved Stelly tax plan, immedi- there are dollars in the federal debt, King Krewe du Vieux Doo MUSIC/LOCATION/TICKET INFO ON PAGE 3 ately putting a nearly $400 million hole in the Frankie will be the Last One to Cry as he state budget and Gov. Bobby “Bubba” spreads a fortune in cups, beads and good Krewe du Vieux 2009 is dedicated to the memory Jindal’s rising star. The city’s budget was will along the parade itinerary. of Chris Mayeaux, late co-captain of LEWD. – 1 – King Frankie Just Keeps On Cruisin’ Only in New Orleans do the stories begin “Thank god my manager wasn’t driving an like this: “When I was still just a toddler, my Edsel,” says the king. family would bring me into bars, and I would His Italian father was not pleased by the immediately go straight to the jukebox and name change, nor by this rockin’ bluesin’ sit on the floor next to it. They would have to music his son was playing. “I paid for all bring me my food next to the jukebox.” those singing lessons, and now he’s sing- When King Frankie Ford was born, he ing this crap” was the old man’s take on it. didn’t let out a wail, he broke into a song. But that tune changed one other tune later. Our musical monarch began taking dance “It was Monday after Labor Day in 1958, lessons about three days after he took his and I got a call to get down to the studio,” first step, by which point he was already sing- says the emperor of the ivories. “Huey ‘Pi- ing up a storm. He made his on-stage debut ano’ Smith and the Clowns were there, and at age five; the microphone wouldn’t go Huey taught me ‘Sea Cruise’. The musical down far enough to reach him, so he had to tracks had already been laid down, so I just stand on a chair. cut the vocals. Johnny Vincent made the de- The first song he sang? “Pistol Packing cision to put it out in my name.” Momma” – hardly a surprise, for King Frankie “Sea Cruise” was released in February 1959, is truly a pistol! and didn’t exactly go straight to number one. Voice lessons with a classically-trained But then it got some airplay on a major Nash- teacher began at age eight, and by the time ville radio station, and two week’s later, King he was twelve, our prodigious potentate was Frankie was on American Bandstand, where winning singing contests not just in New all those present who were actually alive Orleans but also statewide. This led to a trip agreed it had a beat and you could dance to to New York City and an appearance on the it. famed Ted Mack Amateur Hour show. The song quickly became a major hit, and Quarter,” he continues, “the mid-60s to the He turned pro shortly thereafter, playing in Frankie made five more appearances on Mr. mid-70s. Everyone dressed up, and it was bands at joints all over the New Orleans area. Clark’s show. truly the place to be.” One such gig, in the infamous Alibi Lounge This led to gigs at major venues worldwide, Times change, and places, and people. But on Airline Highway (presumably before Jimmy from the Hollywood Bowl to London’s Royal even though the venues may be different, Swaggert ever heard of the area) led to swap- Albert Hall. “I was going so fast I didn’t have King Frankie is still making joyous music and ping phone numbers on napkins with a tal- time to get frightened,” our melodic monarch loving life. ent scout. remembers. “I just went to the next show and “I’ve lived at the same house with the same Two weeks later, King Frankie got a call to played.” phone number for 41 years,” says the king. show up at the legendary Cosimo’s record- Now that Frankie was making more money “I’m never going to retire – why would I? I ing studio. Along with producer than his dad, the old man started liking this play about fifty gigs a year; they always take extraordinaire Cosimo Matassa, Johnny modern music a little better. He also man- good care of me, so it’s like having a week- Vincent of Ace Records and the man who aged the king’s treasure, so that his earn- end job. There’s really only two things you would become Frankie’s first manager, Joe ings went into the bank instead of into the could say to upset me: ‘You used to date my Corona, were waiting.