PAGE 18 THE RETRIEVER WEEKLY FEATURES November 3, 1998 John Carpenter Helms an Anemic Bunch of Vampires

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hen a movie is called Jolm Carpe111er~· Vampires (*112 out of four) ...not scary'' W arcn 't words that should be assoc1ated with it But that's not the only gripe - Carpenter is a name associated with cut­ ting-edge cinema. as in the intense scares of Halloween. The Thing and The Prince of Darknc>.\s or the offbeat action of They Live and l:.~w·ape From New York. Unfortunately, the only thing that is culling edge about Vam­ pire.\ is the level of boredom the movie is able to reach. With an anemic plot and not­ quite-kosher special effects. Vampires has barely enough substance to slake the thirst of even the least discerning genre fan. The film is at first concerned with a group of roaming vampire slayers. led by James Woods of all people. Like some sort of holy A-Team (they even have their own souped­ up van). the bunch invade and wipe out a nest of vampires in a New Mexico shack. Their method is amusingly innovative: The blood­ suckers arc reeled out with harpoons so they can narc up in the sun like match sticks. To commemorate their victory, the loutish band decorates a motel room with hookers and parties the night away. Their celebration is short-lived, however, as a master vampire TriStar Pictures named Valek (Thomas Ian Griffith) ambushes A Crossbow to Bear: In John Carpenter's Vampires, James Woods, center, plays a Vatican-employed bloodsucker slayer. and single-handedly destroys most of the team. Woods' Jack Crow and buddy Montoya middle of the movie, but I can't remember actioner Blade was derived from a comic such as its generally condescending attitude (Daniel Baldwin) escape with their lives, most of it, because I often found a twitching book, and Vampires from a novel, yet the lat­ towards women (Crow slaps them around for along with a woman named Katrina (Sheryl hair in tbe comer of the frame mort interest­ ter seems more steeped in campy cheesiness the fun of it) and an overplayed contempt for Lee). Although she has been bitten, Montoya ing than what was happening on screen. than the former, a more deliberate superhero religion (Crow teases Guiteau incessantly and Crow decide to keep Katrina for her psy­ Vampires finally starts to pick up about 90 flick. Woods' Jack Crow spouts glib off-the­ about whether his vow of celibacy has made chic link to the master vampire. minutes into the mix, as Crow, Guiteau, and cuff one-liners and strolls away from explod­ him prone to "getting woodies''). The rest of the movie centers around the Montoya assault an abandoned prison turned ing buildings with that oh-so-cool stride. And It can be argued that maybe I wanted too boys' hunt for Valek, a freaky Marilyn vampire nest. Only then docs the film begin his motive for killing vampires? Take a wild much from this movie. If not scary and gory, Manson-type who's on a mission that dates to even resemble a Carpenter flick. But it's guess. (Hint: A killed his I wanted tense, relentless and exhausting. back 600 years. Along the way they pick up too little, too late. We get the inevitable final when be was just a ___.) John Carpenters Vampires is none of these. a priest named Guiteau (Tim Guinee), a char­ confrontation, but it seems tacked on and At least Blade had decent action and slick I can only recommended it for the bardcore acter who serves pretty much the same pur­ rather anticlimactic. (Come on, we're deal­ stylishness. Vampires lacks even cheap thrills Carpenter fan. For the rest of you looking pose as the jittery Corporal Upham in Sav­ ing with the master vampire here!) to mask its gossamer-thin plot. To make up for a good scare, beware: Vampires is a film ing Private Ryan. Some stuff happens in the Interestingly, last summer's vampire for this, the movie resorts to other "shocks," with no teeth. Chucky's a Rocky Horror Puppet Show

JAMIE PECK weds: bicker, argue, kiss and make up. But Retriel't!r Weeki\' SwO· Writer when they squabble over who's going to do the dishes. watch out. Hey, even faux people Everybody's favorite homicidal plaything have to work through their problems. takes a wicked wife in the horror sequel Bride Director Ronny Yu keeps the mayhem ojChucky (*1/z), and their unholy matrimony nashy and stages an inventive scene or two, is something old. nothing nev... The burning but not even visual flair can make up for the question on the minds of most moviegoers. fact that these creepy Kewpies are neither however. has nothing to do with nuptial spe· scary nor menacing. When one of them cities or even hO\\ the rno' ie stacks up. but charges. it's nothing a good for\\ ard punt rather v.. hethcr or not the duo gets dO\\ n and couldn't take care of. And when a climactic dirty on their blood-soaked honeymoon. The chase scene ts needed. one of the dim-bulb ans\\er is a sick-and-t\1. isted yes, and vie\\-· protagonists must pick Chucky up so the de­ ers arc treated to a shadov.. y glimpse of some monic toy can force his hostage to run at gun­ hot-enough-to-melt-rubber (or at least singe point. ThrO\\ in some silly casualties and a it) intercourse. Guess they're anatomically ridiculous ending (\\ill Son of Chucky be correct. next'?) and this is a bizarrely bad 89-minutcs Chucky (again vo1ced by Brad Dourif), of at the movies. course, is the star of the Child:~ Play series. As is the thing to do in post-Scream slasher a ''My Buddy"-lypc doll possessed by the cinema. Don Mancini's screenplay slathers spirit of a slain serial killer. In Bride. the plot Universal Pictures on the in-jokes and genre-parody. But little f'li Zubow~ki (heh) picks up with his girlfriend Tiffany Hello, Dolly: Jennifer Tilly provides the of the humor succeeds. proving self-reference ,... A look at the (Jennifer Tilly) resurrecting Chucky's re­ voice for Tiffany, the titular terror in the can be completely worthless when it lacks mains (he was blown up at the end of Child:v horror sequel Bride of Chucky. bite. To be fair. though, most of Bride of jujitsu club, above, Play 3) with the help of a black arts manual plays out as Tiff and the Chuckster stalk a Chucky is on auto-pilot. so it's not quite right called Voodoo for Dummies. Silly mortal. young couple (Nick Stabile and Kathenne to single out one misfired aspect of the film. and other student Before long. she·s also been reduced to shm­ Heigl) with conjugal plans of their own.lead­ Similarly shaky. the acting is ranges from high figurine status, and the plastic mcarna­ ing them towards a New Jersey grave where screeching camp to boring bland. the effects organizations at tions of these one-time lunatic lovebirds hit a magical. soul-transferring amulet allegedly aren't that special and the story is one btg the road to scope out some potential nev.. lies in waiL Along the way. our murderous groaner. Here's to hoping Chucky and his UMBC. human bodies. Barbie and Ken go through post-marriage entire clan - past, present and future - rest The rest of this rocky horror puppet show motions similar to any given pair of newly- in peace.