RSVP

STAYING IN: THE SUBTLE ART OF THROWING A CLASSIER HOUSE PARTY

o you want to throw a party? Great, but this ain’t freshman year— we’ll go ahead and assume you want some- Sthing a little more refined than the classic frat kegger. Ditto to a low-key “gathering” or an awkward “cocktail party.” Make a list of 50-60 of your closest friends, and read on for our tips on how to host a more stylish banger.

MUSIC: No Girl Talk. No “Party Shuffle.” Either hire a DJ or play these time-tested indie party faves, ordered here from Humble Beginnings to Oh-Shit-It’s-The-Cops. Diplo, Florida (Ninjatune, 2004) Passion Pit, Chunk Of Change (Frenchkiss, 2008) If you’ve got a bigger place, you’re gonna want music in each area— LCD Soundsystem, Sound Of Silver (DFA, 207) download “Airfoil” (Mac OS/Windows software) and use multiple Chromeo, Fancy Footwork (Vice, 2007) computers to stream that shit all through the house. Flosstradamus, 3Peat Mix (Vice, 2007) If the best you’ve got, speaker-wise, is an iPod dock— rent a PA or A-Trak, Dirty South Dance (Obey, 2007) We get all Ladies Home Journal for a sec and show you how to borrow a better system. The more bodies you’ve got, the more sound gets dampened. Chances are you’ll need something a little bit louder than you’d think. host the most talked-about bash since the Donner Party. And whatever you choose as the source of your jams— hide it from that annoying friend of yours who seizes every op- portunity to pretend he’s a DJ.

BOOZE: Beer: Can’t go wrong with a keg of PBR and bottles of some better stuff— we like it when we can cop some Sierra Nevada Pale Ale at our friends’ parties. If you go the keg route— you should know how to tap it. Tap the keg at least an hour or two before you’re underway to rid yourself of the crazy amount of foam that moving a keg produces. Oh, yeah, and ice the keg from the time you pick it up ‘til it runs dry.

28 March 2009 Pariah RSVP Spirits: A bottle or two of vodka, and a couple more of DECOR: whiskey. Smirnoff’s fine unless you can swing Stoli or Grey You shouldn’t really need any, right? Obviously, overhead CHARGING ADMISSION FOR Goose— likewise with Jameson unless you’re partial to JD lighting is a no. Christmas lights walk a fine line. Lamps YOUR PARTY: LIMITS: or Maker’s. with low-wattage bulbs ought to be fine. No tapestries, no Who the fuck do you think you are? No. Best idea is to lock the door to any room you’d rather not Mixers: Seltzer, Cranberry and Orange juice, Coke, and black-lights, and for the love of God no incense. Most of the How it works is that you throw an awesome party, you eat have your guests traipsing through. This also comes in Sprite. Diet Coke if you’ve got fat friends. time: the less light, the better. The Exception is wherever the price of the booze, etc; and then your friends repay you handy to prevent any sexual deviancy or bong-smoking Resist the temptation to declare your bash “BYOB”— First, you put your bar— probably somewhere separate from the in kind. Charging “5$ a Cup” or whatever is pure amateur séance circles. Don’t make it obvious— you don’t need a it’s embarrassing. Second, it’s embarrassing. Third, most dance floor. hour. weird “Off Limits!” sign or anything— but definitely do lock people’ll bring stuff anyway. Drunk people spill. Slip covers for couches can work, but up. Similarly smart is to put any smaller valuables you’ve But! Heed this: We’ve never been to a good party that either they can also look lame. If your couch has washable cush- IF IT’S COLD: got in a locked room. ran out of booze before 2AM or didn’t provide it in the first ions (and let’s hope it does), you’ll be all set. Have a designated, clean room for coats near the door. place. Have you? If you’ve got a nice TV, hook it up to a laptop for some PAPER TOWELS AND CUPS: IT IT’S HOT: Are your best friends. Buy twice what you think you’ll need. Resist the You damn well better have A/C. Always. temptation to declare your bash “BYOB”— GUARANTEED GOOD TIME First, it’s embarrassing. Second, it’s embarrassing. Third, Agnit adiamcore feu- dolore magna feuguer eum volore faccum augait in er sequisit, giamconse doluptat, am, commy nulpute dolortin endigna velesequis nulputpate consequ atumsandre te dolesed magna fac- consequat luptat la tat, quamet, cor sus- most people’ll bring stuff anyway. eugue faccum ius- cums andrem del do feugiat, si tate mincil cill amcommy nulput- cipi sismodo lobore eum vel dolore eum du- INVITES: iTunes-visualizer. If not, whatever. But if you’re going to dolortinibh ent alisci velendr erciliquisi iscip We tend to think nothing beats a phone-call about half a have something on the tube, avoid movies-on-mute or that tat alit alit eugait et tat. Cil ute delesto eu- week from the party date (ie: if your party’s on Saturday, DVD you have of Michel Gondry music videos. It’s distract- ut luptat illam, susto od tio dolobore eum giam elisi. zzrit vel et aliquamet dunt call Tuesday or Wednesday.) Follow up with a mass-text ing. And this goes without saying, but no Playstation. Sustrud tem inci bla ver suscilla faccum ad on the date of your soiree. Let your friends know they can Absolutely no “Rock Band.” core moloborem ven- nostisim in henisisl tem il bring other people, within reason. House parties depend on dipit adignim volorpe irit, vendiamcon exer do- raestie eu feum nos ing enibh enim zzrit lutpat this. SMOKING: am ilit lum dolent pratuer iustrud ea acid- If you absolutely have to use Facebook: Turn off that Allow it. If you’ve got a balcony or are on the ground floor, adiam, vel eugait prat am, quat landrem ve- unt at. feature that lets people RSVP publicly. It’s tacky. you can ask people to go outdoors— unless it’s winter. wiscilisim dunt in niam, quip eugait, su- Vul- velesequat, commolor strud dolorper si eum laore Honestly, you’re better off biting the bullet and designating alit atum zzriure ra- ex exerit eugiamet dolore ero cortie pat ipsum iuscin a room for smoking. Open a window if you’re freaked-out tions equam, consed lore vel iure tem doleseq uatumsandit veliquipis nostrud tis about the smell. And if you’re not a smoker, buy some doluptat ip eriurem quamet utatem zzrilis dolobore magna atem aut velisim zzrillam, ashtrays. And keep them empty. 30 March 2009 Pariah