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I was at a social gathering some years ago, and like so many social gatherings, it had started with all sorts of high hopes but had rapidly degenerated to the stage that I was surreptitiously glancing at my watch hoping that going home time (as my Dear Friends, mother always used to call it) would miraculously happen quicker than Welcome to another issue of this peculiar scheduled through some hitherto little magazine that, as I say so often, I unsuspected glitch in the space-time started on a whim, and which has taken on continuum. I was even wondering if I could a life of its own that I truly never suddenly develop the symptoms of envisaged. dementia, or shingles, or some other disease which would allow me to piss off For some reason, the other day I early. In those days I still consumed remembered a meeting that I had with a cigarettes as if they were an Olympic sport, 4 In those days I still consumed cigarettes as if they were an Olympic sport, but the hosts were non-smokers, and so I didn’t even have the solace of abusing my lungs to look forward to. but the hosts were non-smokers, and so I However, I am getting completely didn’t even have the solace of abusing my sidetracked here, and will try to get back lungs to look forward to. onto the main trajectory of my story. By the way, neither of the muses whom I invoked Then up came a vicar. Vicars are a few paragraphs ago have as yet come to intrinsically funny. I know, there have been my aid. But this is perhaps not surprising. several in my family, and my brother is one of them. I am a sort of Christian, although Polyhymnia (Greek: Πολυύμνια; "the one my Christian Anarchism is fairly heavily of many hymns"), also spelt Polymnia tinged with Paganism and I long ago gave (Πολύμνια) was in Greek mythology the up any allegiance to either the Church of Muse of sacred poetry, sacred hymn, dance, England or the Church of Rome, and I and eloquence as well as agriculture and usually do my best to avoid theological pantomime. Her name comes from the discussions with those people whose Greek words "poly" meaning "many" and profession it is to uphold them. My brother "hymnos", which means "praise". She is and I long ago tacitly decided not to depicted as very serious, pensive and discuss things that might cause upset, meditative, and often holding a finger to which as he is a high ranking (Lt. Colonel her mouth, dressed in a long cloak and veil and rising) officer in the Chaplain Corps of and resting her elbow on a pillar. the British Army, and I am, well, ….me, is Polyhymnia is also sometimes credited as probably a good idea. I still remember the being the Muse of geometry and afternoon ten years ago, that I went to meet meditation. him at a barracks in Reading to discuss Corinna’s and my forthcoming nuptials at In Bibliotheca historica, Diodorus Siculus which he was to perform the officiating wrote, "Polyhymnia, because by her great bits. I turned up at the gates of the barracks (polle) praises (humnesis) she brings wearing a Crass T-shirt emblazoned with distinction to writers whose works have the motto: “fight war not wars, destroy won for them immortal fame...". She power not people”, and was actually quite appears in Dante's Divine Comedy: surprised that they didn’t let me in. I Paradiso. Canto XXIII, line 56, and is obviously hadn’t thought it through referenced in modern works of fiction. properly. Calliope (Ancient Greek: Καλλιόπη, 5 Kalliopē "beautiful-voiced"), however, is a remarkably unattractive specimen of the Muse who presides over eloquence and feminine pulchritude, unless you are one of epic poetry; so called from the ecstatic those people who are sexually attracted to harmony of her voice. She is spoken of by members of the Scaphiopodidae. Someone Hesiod and Ovid as the "Chief of all had obviously primed her that I was (still Muses." She is mostly stated to be the am, actually) a zoologist, and no longer a eldest of the Muses, sometimes vying with churchgoer, and she came up to me all her sister Urania for the position. guns blazing, obviously convinced that here, in the person of this fat bloke with a The more I think about it, the more I have beard and a jaded look in his eyes, was an come to realise that neither of these scientist atheist of Richard Dawkins celestial ladies would ever have been the proportions. slightest bit interested in coming to my aid and helping me to ascend “the brightest I tried to explain that I am no atheist, that I heaven of invention”, because although I have always considered Dawkins to be a am mildly well known in some literary colossal prick, but that my idea of a circles, my doggerel could not by the pleasantly convivial social evening does slightest stretch of the imagination be not include talking about religion, and described as either sacred or epic poetry, worse, defending my religious views although my poem that began “There once against a spectacularly toadlike woman in was a girl from Nantucket” did go on for an ill fitting cassock and surplice. So I tried several pages. to deflect the subject onto conservation, which is - I supposed - a subject that most Anyway, I have got sidetracked again. people would not find even slightly Sorry about that. offensive. And soon, we were talking about a captive breeding programme for a small Up came the aforementioned vicar, and the species of frog, which I had recently found kindest thing that I can say is that she was 6 particularly interesting. Kate Bush, Elton John, Rick Wakeman, David Bowie, John Otway, Roger Daltrey, New Order, Strange Fruit, Friday Night Progressive, Jeremy But even then, I was thwarted. I was trying Smith's Seven Deadly Sins, Canterbury Sans to describe the difficulties of persuading Frontieres, Mack Maloney's Mystery Hour, Brian captive anurans to indulge in reproductive Matthew, Glen O'Brien, Ben Lacy Speer, John activity in an amusing manner, when she Warren "J" Geils Jr., Toby Grafftey-Smith, Mika said: “you must understand, Mr Downes, Vainio, Eric Cook, Emmie Beckitt and Rick Wakeman, Supertramp, Ashton, Gardner and Dyke, that we Christians do not consider sex to be Al Atkins, Arthur Brown, Atomic Rooster, Mary dirty”. Hopkin, Binky Womack, Alan Dearling, Rasa Serra and Saulius Petreikas, Kamaniu Silesis (perhaps Something inside me snapped. “If its going Pinewood of the Bumblebees), Baltik Postfolk to be any good it is”, and I leered at her Alternative, Esatis, Skyle, Justin 3, Matt Winson Band, Kev Rowland, Jadis, Matthew Parmenter, lasciviously, whereupon she buggered off, Lioncage, Marduk, Tony Daunt and the Dauntless, and I made my way towards the bar and Soniq Theater, Mr Biffo, Roy Weard, Hawkwind, drank most of it. Xtul, Martin Springett, Sex Pistols, Queen, Jimi Hendrix, Linkin Park, Neil Nixon, Aleister Crowley And in the words of the current Nobel Laureate for Literature: IT’S A LEGAL MATTER BABY “Well, the moral of the story The moral of this song, A lot of the time the pictures that we include in this publication are unique to Gonzo Is simply that one should never be Weekly, and used with the photographer’s Where one does not belong. permission. However, this magazine is free, So when you see your neighbor carryin' and at least at the moment only available online, and so in our opinion we are covered somethin' by a recent decision by the European Help him with his load” Courts of Justice. And don’t discuss frogs or theology Websites can link to freely available content without the permission of the copyright With a priest who looks like a toad holder, the European Court of Justice says. The court's decision came after a dispute in Boom Boom. Sweden between journalists and a web company that had posted links on its site to online news articles. In the end it was neither Polyhymnia or Calliope who came to my aid, but the A Swedish court had asked the EU court to ultimate earthly avatar of Huli Jing, or consider whether this broke copyright law. possibly a reincarnation of Reynardine Some of the pictures in this magazine are himself, the Blessed Basil Brush. And I hotlinked to other websites where they are suppose that one could call this the freely available. It is our opinion that we are covered by this ruling. So there! ultimate shaggy dog (or shaggy fox) story. Of course if someone objects to our using Hare bol their material we will be good fellows and take it down, unless (and this is a big unless) we feel that it is not in the public JD interest to comply.