Life Month Packet 2001 Family and Consumer Sciences Human Development and Family Science www.hec.ohio-state.edu/famlife

FLM-FS-4-01

Fact Sheet

The Wicked Stepmother Myth Nancy K. Recker, M.A., Family and Consumer Sciences Agent, Allen County, Assistant Professor, Ohio State University Extension, The Ohio State University

As we move into the twenty-first century, it is stepchildren and the stepchildren should (and predicted that the will be the family will) love her back. Hence, mothering should of the future. Today, one of every four children is come naturally and easily to a stepmother. In a . Even though more and more re- reality, establishing relationships takes time and search is being conducted on the stepfamily, it won’t happen overnight; for some , there is little evidence which suggests the myth love never does happen. Still, many stepmothers of the wicked stepmother is changing. Stepmoth- are surprised and troubled when they don’t feel ers in our culture are surrounded by myths. immediate love for their stepchildren. These myths make it difficult for the stepmother to “blend” into a new family and succeed in her Effects of These Myths new role. The two most prevalent myths are the on Stepmothers evil stepmother and instant love. Stepmothers have the most difficult role in the stepfamily and research has shown that step- Myth 1: The Evil Stepmother have the most negative image of any There are over 900 stories written about evil family member. They were perceived as being or wicked stepmothers. They are particularly less affectionate, good, fair, kind, loving, happy, common in fairy tales, which suggest that step- and likeable and more cruel, hateful, unfair, and mothers are comparable to wild animals and su- unloving. Stepmothers report these myths make pernatural beings that treat children wickedly. In it more difficult for them to be good stepparents the past, the stepmother’s role was to replace the and have caused them a lot of stress in adjusting ’s biological who had died. Many of to stepfamily life. What can be done to change these bad examples are seen in such stories as these images? “” and “” where children are portrayed as victims who hate their step- The Ground Rules mothers. Here are some points to help stepmothers and deal with some of the problems Myth 2: Instant Love these myths present. The myth of instant love claims that remar- ¥ Prepare for the stepmother role. Gathering riage creates an instant family where stepmoth- information about their new family before the ers should (and will) automatically love their can help stepmothers with relation-

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ships, family dynamics, and avoid problems of the family. When couples have the support later on. and love of one another, they can function at ¥ Stepmothers should begin their new roles as the most favorable levels to help the rest of the they intend to live them. From day one, step- stepfamily members. mothers should insist on courtesy and respect. ¥ It’s not unreasonable if stepmothers don’t It’s hard to make positive changes if these love their stepchildren or vice versa. things don’t happen at the beginning of a rela- Stepmothers shouldn’t feel guilty if they don’t tionship with children and other family mem- immediately feel love and affection for their bers. stepchildren. It takes time to build relation- ¥ Stepmothers are not and will never be the ships. Family members should treat each other children’s mother. Stepmothers occupy a role with respect and fairness, remembering that it that once belonged to someone else. Negativ- is possible to be caring and nurturing, even if ity is usually directed toward the new person, there are not great feelings of mutual love. so stepmothers should try to not take these ¥ Develop a working relationship with the negative feelings personally. These negative stepchildren’s mother. Stepmothers can ben- feelings would be projected upon anyone who efit from talking to and sharing with the other took the absent mother’s place. But children mother. The two mothers don’t have to like should be assured that a stepmother plays a each other, but it is helpful if they can work different role although she may have some together for the welfare of the children. “mothering” responsibilities. The stepmother/stepchild relationship is one ¥ There are no ideal role models for this job. of the most difficult family relationships to de- Every stepmother situation is unique and there velop and maintain. Families need to communi- is no “normal” way of doing things. Myths, cate and work together to dispel the myth of the fairy tales, and negative statistics about wicked stepmother so their family relationships stepmoms should be ignored. The stepmother can begin to grow. role should be based on what’s comfortable for her, the children, and the family as a References and Resources whole. Clurman, R. (1997). Parenting the other chick’s ¥ Stepmothers will always share their hus- eggs. National Press Publication. band with his children for the rest of their Dalton, M. (1993). The Myths and Misconcep- married life. A strong bond may exist be- tions of the Stepmother Identity. Family Rela- tween a and his children from a prior tions, 42, 93-98. marriage. Jealousy can be avoided if step- Keenan, B.M. (1992). When you marry a man mothers realize and accept this early in the with children. Pocket Books. relationship. Lofas, J., with D. Sova. (1985). Stepparenting. ¥ The marriage should be the priority. If the Kensington Books. couple doesn’t work on their marriage, noth- Norwood, P., & Wingender, T. (1999). The en- ing the stepmother does will work. A united lightened stepmother. New York: Avon Books. front—the husband and —must come first Stepfamily Association of America before relationships can be built with the rest www.stepfam.org

“The stepmother/stepchild relationship is one of the most difficult family relationships to develop and maintain.”