Cold Open: Ever had to eat a human being? No? Well, than there’s one thing you don’t have in common with some of the character’s from today’s tale. The . Just under 90 mid-19th century settlers looking to make new lives for themselves in central . They left late from headed West, not taking off until mid-May— if you’ve ever played the old video game you know that’s a no-no. You pick April - not May! Always April! I know the Donner Party took the , not the Oregon Trail - but May’s still too late! I had to play a free online game of the old Oregon Trail because of this episode. Still pretty fun. It holds up. Lynze got lost, Penny got sick, Monroe died - sorry Monroe - but the rest of us made it West. Why? Because we left in April! It greatly reduced our odds of getting stuck in a mountain snow storm and having to eat each other to survive.

After leaving a full month late, the Donner Party lost another full month heading West on the California Trail taking a new route across the Desert called Hasting’s Cutoff, which was supposed to shave a few hundred miles off their journey. And it did shave off some miles. It also added about a month because of treacherous conditions, no wagon road at all in places, and a terribly long stretch of waterless salt flats of Northern that nearly killed all of their supply animals. And then, after all that, things got real ugly.

The Donner Party made it to the last big mountain range of the trip, the Sierra Nevadas, a few weeks too late and they got stuck in one of the heaviest Winter snow falls in the mountain range’s recorded history. Blizzard after blizzard hit the settlers and after being snowed in at a rickety, quickly built camp of shitty cabins and shittier tents, their rations long depleted, the travelers made a few desperate escape attempts that failed miserably. And then some of them made the more desperate decision to eat their dead. And a few even made the even more desperate decision to kill fellow party members in order to eat the them.

Life was hard in the mid-19th century, the journey West especially hard, and it was hardest on the Donner Party - more so then on any other group of pioneers who helped settle what is now the American west of the Continental Divide. And we dig deep on this “Go West Young Man But Don’t Eat Anyone”, cannibalistic chapter of Timesuck.

PAUSE TIMESUCK INTRO

I. Welcome A. Happy Monday! Happy Monday Timesuckers! Happy 4th of July if you’re listening on the 4th! Kind of patriotic episode. Americans doing what they needed to do to make it West and expand our nation. Work can wait - time for Timesuck. Time for brain candy. Time for self-improvement without straining your noodle, while being entertained. (Russel Crowe in Gladiator) “Are you not entertained!?!” So relax. Calm the fuck down! And, enjoy yourself.

I’m Dan Cummins aka the Mother Sucker, the Master Sucker, Master Dan the man Cummins the 4th, Prophet of Nimrod, and Bojangles long lost 5th testicle, and lots of other shit you weird, wonderful meat sacks send in. And, you, are listening to Timesuck.

Welcome to the Cult of the Curious! Hail Nimrod! Hail slash Begone slash man I think you’re very sexy Lucifina!

B. Pre-roll: Timesuck is brought to you today by Chikatilo’s Wrasslin Academy! Chikatilo’s Wrasslin’ Academy - making Soft Men Hard!

At Chikatilo’s Wrasslin’ Academy, students of all ages, but mostly students younger than 18, are instructed in all manner of Chikatilo pelvic thrust-based wrasslin’ techniques!

And through Timesuck, you can now purchase a limited edition Chikatilo Wrasslin’ Academy summer camp kit. Only 500 have been made and when they’re gone, they are gone!

It’s finally here! The most ridiculous and awesome Timesuck gear ever created by Danger Brain. Each kit contains a grey Chikatilo Wrasslin’ Academy shirt made out of 250% flaccid penis skin. From what animal you ponder? My fabric contact won’t tell me. It may be more illegal than ever this time. But it’s so soft yo won’t even care what it came from! You’ll be too happy wearing probably some kind of mammal - definitely some flaccid penis skin.

Also, you get a black, drawstring Making Soft Men Hard camp backpack. We’ve taken it that far. And then farther! You also get a black and white always limp camp water bottle. It’s the limpest water bottle on the market. I’ve never seen one that looks like it does. What is big deal!?!

Finally - you get an official Chikatilo Summer Camp wrist band. Why a wrist band? Because you don’t want to hurt yourself jerking so much soft shame cock! Use for safety and easy clean up.

This is a limited offer super fucked up product that part of me can’t believe has actually been made. Only $45 for all of that. Link to the store at Timesuck podcast dot com in the episode description.

C. Amerigas Pre Roll! Okay. While the Wrasslin summer pack is real, Timesuck is not actually brought to you by Chikatilo’s Wrasslin’ Academy.

Timesuck IS brought to you today by Amerigas!

M-80s! Bottle Rockets! Giant fireworks you’d see at a professional 4th of July event that are probably not legal for home use! Not Sparklers! These are what I think of when I think of Amerigas.

Grass fed ground beef! Golden Retrievers! Diesel Engines! Not tofu. Not electric bicycles. These remind me of Amerigas.

America in gaseous form.

Get your grill on this summer with AmeriGas Propane Exchange, and do it on the new, free, American-made WEBER grill you’ve won thanks to Timesuck. You don’t have much time!

Register to win this grill at MyTimeSuckGrill.com before the 4th of July or go fuck yourself and move to China! You heard me. Either way a flag, do some grilling, or shove it in your ass, and burn your social security number you communist fuck.

That was way too aggressive. Begone Lucifina!

But seriously, go to MyTimeSuckGrill.com before the 4th of July enter your name and email address, and pray to Nimrod you win!

And pick up some Amerigas right now for the grill you already own. You pick up propane tanks at your local Home Depot, Dollar General Store, I saw one at a truck stop just West of Missoula on my way to Yellowstone this past week. Get it at so many stores nationwide.

The winner will be announced on Friday, July 6th! Link in episode description.

D. Reviews and Ratings: Thanks as always for the reviews and ratings. Continually spreading the suck! I’m blessed. Thanks for helping to build this community. Every solid rating and review you leave helps us so much.

E. Tour dates: The Flat Earth Tour coming to Orlando next week! I’ll be at the Improv, July 12-14th - the Orlando Improv. I believe there are a few tickets left to the live podcast on the 15th with Tom and Dan from A Mediocre Time.

And then I head down to SoCal!

Comedy Store in La Jolla, California July 20-22nd. Another great club. Great, old-school, no fucking around, this is how standup should be seen club.

Dayton, Ohio Funnybone July 27-28th.

In August, I’ll be at Side Splitters in Tampa the 2nd - 5th, the Palm Beach Improv the 10th 0 12th, Zanies in Chicago right across the street from Second City the 15th-18th, and then at the Denver Comedy Works the 23rd -25th, where I will be doing another live Timesuck on Sunday the 26th.

More tour dates and some more live podcasts coming up. Portland, Oregon Denver, Colorado, Tacoma, Washington, Tampa and Palm Beach, Florida, Hollywood and Huntington Beach, California So much more at www.dancummins.tv.

Now let’s go 19th century. Let’s get cannibalistic. Let’s suck on the poor Donner Party who were already sucked on way too hard. Thank you Space Lizards for voting in this fascinating topic! Hail Nimrod!

PAUSE TIMESUCK INTERLUDE

II. Intro - Life in America in the mid-19th century: In the mid-nineteenth century, life in America was better than it had ever been before for the average American, unless you were a slave, but, absolutely terrible compared to now. If you were a slave, it was, you know, as terrible as ever.

I’m sure that goes without saying but I feel compelled to acknowledge that.

In 1842, Massachusetts became the first state to pass laws limiting how many hours a child laborer could be forced to work. The new laws limited a child under the age of twelve's workday to a maximum of 10 hours.

Haha! Good news little Billy! You ONLY have to work ten hours a day now. No more double-shifts in the coal mine for you lil’ buddy! That’s incredible to me. And this limit was ONLY legalized in Massachusetts. New Jersey? “Back to work lil’ Billy! Lazy, little brat has tears in his eyes after only working 14 hours in a slaughterhouse today! God kids are getting soft nowadays. Fucking kids, man! When I was eight I worked 27 hours a day, nine days a week, and I never cried once. Couldn’t afford to waste the water and dehydrate myself! Too much work to be done!”

The first telegraph is sent between Baltimore and Washington D.C. on May 24th, 1844. No more wagon carried letters! At least not for that one route. If you had to send a message to anyplace other than Baltimore or D.C. from anyplace other than Baltimore or D.C., a horse or boat or is probably taking it. The railroads were just picking up steam - pun intended!

The rules for what would morph into modern day baseball are defined in 1845. I know that has no real bearing on today’s tale, but I found it interesting.

Cities are growing rapidly - the nation’s population nearly quadrupled between 1814 and 1860, to over 31 million, swelled by an influx of immigrants. Ireland’s Great Potato Famine beginning in 1845 sends over thousands upon thousands of immigrants to Eastern American shores, turning New York City into the nation’s largest metropolis. Industrialization is booming.

And, with all the recent immigrants, jobs are starting to become scarce in certain cities. The good land is getting gobbled up, especially if you came to America to farm and not to work in a city. The gold rush a few years later would bring a lot of people looking for fame and fortune, but, even prior to the gold rush, a lot of Americans just saw endless opportunity in heading West. You could build a new life for yourself. You could start over.

I’ve always believed that we humans live largely on hope - if future possibilities seem hopeful, life is good. If the future looks grim and you just can’t see a way to either improve your life or maintain the good life you have, feelings of doom and gloom set in. Give someone hope for a better tomorrow, and they can overcame a whole bunch of shit.

A. Life in 1846: The Donner Party would head West from Missouri in the Spring of 1846. So, what the Hell was going on, specifically, in 1846 in America?

B. Taking the Oregon Territory: Well, in 1846, the times they were a’changing. Big time! On January 5th , 1846 - The United States House of Representatives changes its policy toward sharing the Oregon Territory with the United Kingdom. They decided to no longer share it. Decided it belonged only to America. I either forgot about that or never knew that was a thing.

Various trappers from various nations had been living on a regular basis in the land that now encompasses Oregon, Washington, , and parts of and since at least the 1830s. Lewis and Clark had originally explored the area for the US government between 1804 and 1806. Lewis and Clark! They are a Suck for another day for sure.

Previous to 1846, the UK and the US had shared control of the land since the treaty of 1818 was signed. The treaty covered a lot of land that had nothing to do with the Northwest. Basically, it was a treaty that resolved a number of North American territorial boundary issues between the United Kingdom and the United States. A “who gets what”deal to divide up a lot of land already being lived on by American Indians who have no idea their land A) doesn’t belong to them anymore and B) is being governed by a people they’ve never met.

While claiming the Oregon territory for itself, The United States, one congressman asserted, had “the right of our to spread over our whole continent.” Good ol’ manifest destiny! A belief that American expansion in the West was both inevitable and justified. “Hey Indians! Get ready for a reckoning! God wants us to take your shit and if you ain’t cool with that - fuck you and everything you stand for!”

This decision to get pushy with the UK could’ve easily lead to war with the British.

Through their Hudson Bay Company at the mouth of the Columbia River, they had a reasonable claim to the disputed territory of modern-day Washington at least. In contrast, the only part of the Oregon Territory the U.S. could legitimately claim by settlement was the area below the Columbia River. Above the river, there were only eight recently arrived Americans in 1845. Eight! Eight very brave or very stupid people.

I don’t have that explorer DNA man. Go into a new world, meet people from cultures that could be extremely hostile. Walk out into unmapped land - no idea what dangers you may encounter. Fuck that! You find out. If it’s safe - report back to me. I’m the dude who only swims in the ocean - and only for a few seconds at at time - if there are a lots of other people around and farther out in the water - if the shark is gonna get someone, I rationalize that it’s gonna get one of them. And even then, I’ve only done that a few times because they still make me nervous. Especially since, thanks to that Timesucker update a few weeks ago, they do in fact sometimes bite your ween off.

Despite virtually no American presence, expansionistic 11th President James Polk coveted Oregon Territory up to the 49th parallel (the modern-day border with Canada). Polk was also on the verge of war with Mexico in his drive to take that nation’s northern provinces, and he had no desire to fight the British and Mexicans at the same time.

So, even though some of his fellow Democrats in the Congress pushed him to be even more aggressive, demanding that Americans control the territory all the way up to the 54th parallel, approximately where Edmonton, Alberta, is today, he compromised with the British, and agreed to accept the 49th parallel as a border. The Hudson Bay Company already had decided to relocate its principal trading post from the Columbia River area to Vancouver Island, leaving the British with little interest in maintaining their claim to area.

I’m glad we didn’t take it up the 54th parallel. I’d have to travel so much farther to fund decent poutine. And, if we had it, Vancouver would just feel like another Seattle. Seattle’s great, but, we don’t need two of them. And, we have Portland, so, in a way, we DO already have two of them. Easy, Portland Suckers - I know, I know - you’re not Seattle, junior. I love you. Seattle and Portland will always hold special places in my heart.

This new boundary not only gave the U.S. more territory than it had any legitimate claim to, but it also left Polk free to pursue his next objective: a war with Mexico for control of the Southwest.

C. War with Mexico to Take California: And the US wouldn’t waste much time in kicking off that war.

The Mexican-American War, also known as the Mexican war, broke out a few months later. The first US conflict fought primarily on foreign soil, it was last until 1848. Prior to this war, Mexico claimed what is now present day Arizona, , Utah, New Mexico, and portions of present day Texas in addition to California.

On May 8, 1846, the first major conflict of the Mexican War occurs north of the Rio Grande River at Palo Alto, Texas when United States troops under the command of Major General and soon to be 12th President Zachary Taylor routed a larger Mexican force.

Zachary had been ordered by President Polk to seize disputed Texas land settled by Mexicans. War is declared by the United States against Mexico on May 13th. This is just a little over a decade after the battle of the Alamo fought for control of Texas that we talked about in the Texas Rangers Suck.

Texas had itself barely gained independence from Mexico, back in 1836.

Who remembered, by the way, that President Polk had so much to do with the conquering of what we now know as the American West Coast? I’ll be honest, I literally couldn’t of named one thing Polk did prior to this week. Actually, if you asked me to name as many presidents as I could a week ago, I don’t think I would’ve even remembered he was a President.

Polk only served one term - 1845 to 1849, but man, he got a lot of shit done. His vice president was George M Dallas. Never heard of him. Dallas, Texas, might be named after him but maybe not. The founder of Dallas, John Neely Bryan, founded the town if 1841 when Dallas was just a senator. And his reason for the name is lost to history. And I don’t think George ever set foot in Texas.

Polk - born in Pineville, North Carolina, the former congressman from Tennessee who lived in Nashville, didn’t serve two terms because he declined to attempt re-election. He was in poor health by the end of his Presidency, and died of cholera less than three months of leaving office in 1849 at the age of 53. But he’d get us SO MUCH land before he died.

D. California declares independence from Mexico: On June 10, 1846 - The Republic of California declares independence from Mexico. Four days later, the bear flag of the Republic of California is raised at Sonoma and the US army heads South to New Mexico.

So, a whole bunch of Americans are looking to get in on settling these new territories in 1846 - git in while the gittin’s good! Grab the best pieces of land, get prime downtown location when the new towns are being built. And there was so much land to be had. Millions of acres, untouched by Western settlers.

E. Why Head West?: And they were able to get land cheap ever since Congress passed the Distribution-Preemption Act in 1841, which recognized squatters' rights and allowed settlers to claim 160 acres of land in the new territory. After residing on the property for 14 months, a claimant could purchase the property at $1.25 an acre. Buck twenty-five an ACRE. Even if it’s waterfront property. That’s around $35 dollars an acre in today’s dollars. Not gonna find decent land that cheap East of the Mississippi in 1847. The average value of land in settled America at that time was already over $10 an acre.

That alone makes me understand the drive to head West. Imagine if you’re living in Boston or Philadelphia - you and your kids, even the ones who should be in grade school, are working 12-14 hours a day for next-to-nothing in some shithole factory making whatever shithole factories make, sleeping in some slum apartment with 37 members of your immediate family.

BUT - if you can make it west you could possibly grow some crops and sell them. You could possible have a little store of your own, built with your own hands. You could have over 100 acres to yourself. Well, you can have it to yourself along with the 19 kids you and your wife or wives kick out to actually work the land. But still. And you get to live there for FREE. If it takes you a few years to save up the $1.25 an acre, so be it. Buy it a little at a time. Whatever. You don’t have much to lose - your life is shit already.

So the government was practically giving land away in the West because there was almost no one out there - remember, in 1845, there was still only eight American citizens in what is now Washington State. If they were gonna hold their newly claimed territory, they desperately needed to populate it with American citizens.

So people started heading West for new opportunities. Little Billy won’t have to work 12 hours a day instead of going to 4th grade. Nope. Now - little Billy can work 12 hours a day on his pappy’s farm and still not go to school. Hooray!

After the Lewis and Clark expedition, the Pacific Fur Company was the next to head West, in 1810. Company employees, through a lot of trial and error, figured out the beginnings of what would become the Oregon Trail. Due to the War of 1812 with Britain, much of what they discovered would be put on pause for about a decade.

And then missionaries looking to convert American Indians to Christianity and former trappers looking to live out in the wilderness on their own began showing up in the Oregon territory around 1824.

And then by the early , early pioneers began following fur trapper routes and the Oregon Trail was truly established, ending at either Oregon City - now a suburb of Portland, or Fort Astoria, in present day Astoria, Oregon on the Oregon Coast near the mouth of the Columbia River where Goonies was filmed! “But right now, they got to do what's right for them. Because it's their time. Their time! Up there! Down here, it's our time. It's our time down here!”

A major stop on the trail before Oregon City was , Idaho, near Pocatello, established in 1837 by the Hudson Bay Company. My maternal grandfather’s last name is Hall, and, because his grandparent were homesteaders in central Idaho, I always thought there was a good chance I was related to the Halls of Fort Hall. Nope! The Fort was named after some dude named Henry Hall, a partner of the Boston firm Tucker & Williams & Henry Hall who had a stake in the the trading company. Damn it!

By 1843, traffic really picked up along this trail in what was later dubbed the Great Migration of 1843. Somewhere between 700 and 1000 Americans headed West that Spring.

These settlers had it extra rough because the wagon trail wasn’t quite finished. They would have to disassemble their wagons near present day The Dalles, Oregon because there still wasn’t a consistent road, and by “road” I mean a flat area of dirt wide enough to fit a wagon, the made it all the way to Oregon City and the Willamette Valley. By 1846, the Barlow road was completed, and you could now take a wagon clear from Missouri to Oregon, about 2,000 miles of trail.

F. How long did the Oregon Trail Journey Take? And how long did this journey take? Between 4-6 months. The Great Emigration of 1843 left Elm Grove, Missouri, just outside of Independence, just outside of Kansas City, on May 22nd, 1843, and made it to the end of the trail five months later.

And what a journey it was.

Emigrants had to sell their homes, businesses and any possessions they couldn’t take with them. They also had to purchase hundreds of pounds of supplies including: flour, sugar, bacon, coffee, salt, rifles and ammunition.

Thick slabs of smoked bacon would keep as long as it was protected form the hot temperatures. One way to preserve bacon was to pack it inside a barrel of bran. Also, eggs could be protected by packing them in barrels of corn meal – as the eggs were used up, the meal was used to make bread. Coffee was another important staple.

They need a covered wagon sturdy enough to withstand the elements yet small and light enough for a team of oxen or mules to pull day after day, week after week, month after month.

Some nice wagons had a rudimentary bed inside. Other pioneers slept under blankets in a tent or under the wagon itself. Sleeping bags and blow up mattresses didn’t exist yet. And sadly, a lot of pioneers died in their sleep, most likely of broken hearts, and definitely because they weren’t sleeping on Leesa Motherfucking mattresses!

Yes! Today’s Timesuck is brought to you, by Leesa Mattress.

G. Leesa Mattress Midroll: Celebrate the Fourth of July in style with a premium foam mattress, designed, assembled and manufactured right here in the US of A.

Leesa leveraged 30 plus years of experience and hundreds of hours of testing to develop the perfect mattress for all body shapes and sleeping styles. It’s the best. After a week in the Yellowstone, I may actually have sex with my Leesa mattress. That’s how happy I am to see it again. For the record - Leesa does not advocate fucking their mattresses. At all. That’s my thing. They do heavily endorse getting your Z’s on it.

Leesa’s mission is to provide a better night's sleep for everybody - Through their One-Ten program, they donate one mattress for every ten they sell— I know you Timesuckers know that now, BUT, do you know they’ve donated more than 26,000 mattresses and counting? Badass! Leesa strives to leave the world better than they found it, but that doesn't stop with mattress donations - Together with the Arbor Day Foundation, Leesa plants one tree for every mattress they sell and are committed to planting 1 million trees by 2025 Personal

They’re a great company and truly a great product. I had a lumbar micro-disectomy after crushing a disc when I was twenty-eight and a bad mattress jacks up my back and gives me the gift of sciatica. Not fun! No Me llamo. Never have this problem with Leesa. For real. It’s wonderful. So take advantage of the sale. The Leesa July 4th Mattress Sale won’t last long! - Get $160 off a Leesa mattress at leesa.com/timesuck today - That’s L-E-E-S-A dot com slash TIMESUCK for $160 off - Leesa: a better place to sleep.

If only the Donner Party had a chance to fill their wagons with Leesa Mattresses, they probably would’ve made better decisions thanks to better rest, and not had to eat each other.

And where were the beds they did have? Again, in their wagons if they even have had one.

Most of these wagons were about six feet wide and twelve feet long. They were usually made of seasoned hardwood and covered with a large, oiled canvas stretched over wood frames. In addition to food supplies, the wagons were laden with water barrels, tar buckets and extra wheels and axles.

Families who owned cattle would bring them along to kick start their new ranch out West, and, to eat along the way. Nothing like making you dinner walk along the trail beside you. Some families also brought along a milk cow or two - bring your own milk, butter, and cheese factory along for the journey. It’s not like you were gonna hit up a travel center or find a 7-11. Not gonna be able to grab a late night ham and cheese hot pocket if you get hungry before bed.

No matter how you prepared, the journey was still dangerous.

H. Death on the trail: About 1 in 10 of the roughly 400,000 settlers who head West on the trail didn’t make it. Most died of diseases such as dysentery, cholera, smallpox or flu, or in accidents caused by inexperience, exhaustion and carelessness. It was also not uncommon for people to be crushed beneath wagon wheels or accidentally shot to death, and many people drowned during perilous river crossings.

Travelers often left warning messages to those journeying behind them if there was an outbreak of disease, bad water or hostile American Indians nearby. As more and more settlers headed west, the Oregon Trail became a well-beaten path and an abandoned junkyard of surrendered possessions. It also became a graveyard for tens of thousands of pioneer men, women and children and countless livestock.

I. Examples of Death on the Trail: Let’s talk to about how some of these people died before we dig into how the Donner’s travelled, and, you know, also died.

1. Indians: Historians record about 360 emigrant deaths at the hands of American Indians from 1840 to 1860 in various skirmishes.

In August 1854, Shoshone Indians ambushed and killed 18 of the 20 members of the Ward Family emigrant party, attacking them on the Oregon Trail in western Idaho. Only two young boys survived. The killings led the US military to abandon several of the forts they'd built along the trail, in favor of using military escorts for emigrant wagon trains.

The next year, a US Army party set out to get revenge, and eventually killed or arrested over a dozen tribesmen, many of whom had nothing to do with the killings.

Tough luck for those dudes. “Look, I know you had nothing to do with killing that family. BUT, you do LOOK kind of like the dudes who killed that family, so, we’re gonna have to cut you donw. Someone’s gonna pay today, and, it ain’t gonna be us.”

2. Triskett Gang: A few settlers were killed by bank robbers.

Using a new branch of the Oregon Trail to flee eastward, a gold- robbing gang led by brothers Henry and Jack Triskett arrived in the mining town of Sailors' Diggins, OR, in August 1852. Later called Waldo, and now a ghost town, Sailors' Diggins was one of the biggest cities in the Territory. It was also a drunk, violent, and lawless town. The Triskett Gang headed right for a saloon, and after a long day of drinking, one of the men randomly pulled a gun and shot a passerby dead.

Utter carnage ensued, as the Triskett Gang shot 17 more people dead - including several women and a child.

Seventeen! Holy shit. What a way to die if you had just barely made it to Oregon. Five, six months of horrific travel. You already lost grandma to being too old for a wagon train. Little Billy had just passed away from cholera, and then you get shot up by some drunk bank-robbing assholes. What a bunch of bullshit.

3. Cholera: And cholera, man, that was the big one.

One of the biggest dangers facing travelers on the Oregon Trail, cholera was a water-borne disease that could cause death within a day, even in the hardiest of souls. Shit. Sometimes, if you were already weakened from the hardships of travel, you could catch some cholera at breakfast and be dead by lunch.

Trail stories are full of cholera deaths, with the most taking place on the , in and Wyoming. Because most of the river was brackish, wagon trains would camp at the fresh streams draining in and out of the River.

These streams were prone to cholera, as they were used by hordes of travelers for bathing and camping, and had no natural filtration. Thousands died agonizing deaths due to Platte River cholera, and most were dumped in unmarked, forgotten graves.

And how does cholera, a disease that’s been all but eliminated in the United States since 1911 thanks to modern sewage and water treatment, kill you? Basically, you shit yourself to death. Seriously. Cholera-related diarrhea can hit very quickly after the bacteria enters your system, and you can shit out a quart of pale, milky-white cholera fluid an hour. And this butthole-vomiting is made even worse by the constant face mouth-vomiting you are also doing. You can vomit, both from face and butthole, non- stop, for hours. Vomiting, dry-heaving, abdominal muscles in cramping agony as you dehydrate. All of this can lead to severe dehydration within hours. It’s like a viscous hangover that kills you.

And then it gets worse.

As dehydration sets in your electrolyte levels are quickly thrown off, and electrolyte imbalance can lead to muscle cramps brought on by the rapid loss of sodium, chloride, and potassium. Ever been woken up in the middle of the night by a horrific calf muscle cramp? Now imagine both calfs, and hamstrings, and lats, etc all cramping like that - the worst cramps you’ve ever had - as you start to thrown up blood because you’ve torn your esophagus lining from continual, violent vomiting. AND, in some cases, you’ve also quite literally shit off your butthole.

Pioneers would shit so hard for so long their anus would dislodge from their digestive track. There are numerous records of people hearing a popping sound, like a champagne bottle losing it’s cork, as someone’s butthole was violently shot off of their colon. It was common enough to earn the nickname - McGill’s Pop, after one unfortunate settler, Donavan McGill had his Pop both heard and witnessed by a large group of other wagon train travelers. “Careful with the water Abe - I don’t want to her McGill’s Pop later this afternoon and know you’re not long for this world.”

Kidding about McGill’s Pop. To my knowledge, you can’t actually shit your own butthole off. But with cholera, I bet it felt like you were about to.

Following the diarrhea and the vomiting and the dehydration and massive cramping came severe hypovolemic shock, which can cause death in a matter of minutes. You can also experience seizures, an altered state of consciousness, and fall into a coma before death. Terrible, terrible way to go.

And speaking of an altered state of consciousness, check out this particular trail death. 4. Fragile Mental States: Long, hard journeys on the trail often left pioneers in fragile mental states which could lead to mental breakdowns. One tragic example involved westward traveler Elizabeth Markham. One day, while traveling along the Snake River somewhere around Idaho, Markham declared to her husband Samuel and five children that she was not proceeding any farther. She was done. No mas! Her husband was forced to take the wagons and children and leave her behind, though he later sent their teenage son John back to retrieve her.

And then shit got real dark.

Elizabeth returned on her own, and told Samuel that she had beaten John to death with a rock. You know, as mothers do when they’ve had enough wagon-training and their son tries to get them to do more wagon-training. Fair is fair.

Samuel raced back to rescue his son John, and promptly realized his wife had set fire to the family's supply wagon. He found her standing in the firelight with a demented expression while other pioneers put the fire out.

Accounts differ as to what happened to John, with some saying he was never harmed, and others that he was beaten but lived, and others that he died.

Amazingly, Samuel and Elizabeth Markham, along with the children, continued on to Oregon. They had another child, Edwin, who became an acclaimed poet.

Uh…. who knows about this account. It’s out there but I don’t know if I believe it. Maybe this one is a little urban legend-ish. However, a poet named Edwin Markham really was born in Oregon City in 1852. From 1923 - 1931, he’d be poet laureate or Oregon. And, his parents did divorce shortly after his birth. BUT - his biography doesn’t include his mom beating his older brother to death with a rock, which I think would be likely to show up. Or would it? I guess that would be a really inappropriate thing to add to a biography.

“Tonight we honor Edwin Markham! A man who’s poem, ‘Lincoln, A Man of the People’ was selected to be read at the dedication of the Lincoln Memorial. A man who wrote letters to and received letters from correspondents such as Franklin Delano Roosevelt, Aleister Crowley, Jack London, Ambrose Bierce. He was a teacher, and artist, an American of renown, and, also, years before he was born, his mother beat his older brother to death with a rock while traveling along the Oregon Trail. After this terrible death-beating, and subsequent burning of the family wagon, his father and mother were able to work things out for a time, which resulted in Edwin’s birth.”

5. Travel Mishaps:

a) Drowning: There were also, as I said, a fair amount of random trail mishaps. Western historian John Unruh recorded one such death in plain terms: "One inebriated 1853 emigrant misjudged rain-swollen Buffalo Creek, drove his wagon in, and was never seen again."

That is a fucking hilarious death to me.

(Concerned pioneer) “Uh, hey John - you’ve had a lot of whisky today buddy. Why don’t you sleep it off, try again tomorrow.”

(Drowned Settler) “I’m good! Ain’t no damn river keeping John Whistler from crossing it - whiskey or no!”

(Concerned pioneer) “Uh. Alright, John. Think maybe you want to try the shallow area about 50 yards below the deep pool you’re driving towards.”

(Drowned Settler) “Don’t boss me McThule! If any man can cross a river wherever and whenever he pleases, it’s John Mc….(drowning sounds)”

b) Firearm accidents: There were also a number of firearm accidents. Fear of American Indian attacks led to settlers to load up with a staggering amount of firepower.

One 1846 Oregon Trail expedition diary describes their 72- wagon train as carrying 260 pistols and rifles, nearly a full-ton of lead, and over a thousand pounds of gun powder. Which would be great for a trained militia. However, many of the travelers had little or no training and experience with firearms, leading to countless people who either shot themselves or others by accident.

J. But People Died anyway: Now, to be fair - a lot of people who didn’t head West also died horrible deaths and died of them often in mid-nineteenth century America. The life expectancy was roughly thirty-seven.

Think about the Doc Holliday and Billy the Kid Sucks we’ve done. How many people died of tuberculosis in those tales? It felt like every third person at least died of consumption. It was killing everyone. And that was just one of many incurable diseases back then. Not counting all the heart attacks and random accidents that doctors and EMTs can save people from today that they couldn’t back then. We’re still decades away from penicillin.

It’s hard to say just exactly how shitty life was in general back then because there aren’t good records of who died of what and how often, because, although a census did exist, following through with registration and record-keeping was left to local governments. And since most towns were pretty newly formed, they had better shit to do and more pressing matters to deal with than keeping track of who died of what.

So - THAT gives us some solid context of the journey West in the mid-19th century. Now, let’s look directly at the journey of the Donner Party, and hop into a Timesuck Timeline.

PAUSE TIMESUCK TIMELINE INTRO

III. Timesuck Timeline

A. May 12th, 1846: May 12th, 1846 - the Donner Party begins their journey. A group of nine wagons containing 32 members of the Reed and Donner families and their employees head out from Independence, Missouri.

B. Donner Party: The leader of the party is , a 60 year old pervert who brought two ten year old girls he intended to marry once he made it across the Continental Divide and away from America’s rigid 19th century morality laws. When things got rough later, Donner would eat one of his intended brides in the mountains and marry the other. They’d have a child together, a woman who would marry and become Susan Parton, great, great, great grandmother of Country singer Dolly Parton.

And that is a crock of horse shit.

George Donner was a 60 year old moderately successful farmer who had been born in North Carolina, then lived in Kentucky, Indiana, Texas, and Illinois.

With him were his 44-year-old wife Tamsen and their three daughters and also George’s two daughters from a previous marriage. George's fifty-six year old younger brother Jacob also joined the party with his wife Elizabeth two teenaged stepsons and five children all under nine. And a variety of employees they’d hired to help them on the journey.

This shit is so crazy to me. I cannot imagine wanting to head West in a wagon at the age of 56 or 60. I can’t imagine it now at 41! No way. Maybe at 30. For sure at 21. But Hell no to 60. Farming must not have been going all that well for George. He and his brother must have really needed the money.

Apparently - they really didn’t though. They just possessed adventurous spirits. Sure, they hoped to make more money. But, mostly, they really believed in that whole manifest destiny thing. They really thought it was their duty - their fate - to expand America.

No way I could do it.

I finished up research on this episode the day after getting back from a week-long vacation in Yellowstone National Park. I spent six nights in a tent with my wife Lynze, two dogs, Penny and Ginger, and two kids Kyler and Monroe. We got hailed on a few times, the temperature dropped into the 30s a few nights because we camped at around 7800 feet elevation, and, while I had a great time - I was ready to be done when it was over. We actually had two more nights reserved and just bailed. I didn’t catch any fish, we saw lots of critters and geyers - fuck it - let’s get back to our real beds that aren’t surrounded by mosquitos. Lynze literally got bit over 50 times btw. Seriously. Queen of the Suck got eaten alive.

We slept on air mattresses. I was able to refill using power from my F150 that we were able to charge our phones off of - the kids watched a few movies off an iPad - we used quick-start fire-starting bricks and pre-cut kindling to get the fire going, charcoal lighter fluid if the wood got damp. I have a two-burner Coleman campfire propane grill for cooking. We had LED headlamps to see with. We were 150 feet from a heated bathroom. We were a ten minute drive from warm showers. But we didn’t have wifi. Didn’t have cell coverage. Didn’t have a heater. And didn’t sleep in a bed in an RV or a camper.

And what we did is now considered “roughing it”.

And, at 41 years old, by the end, I thought, “there’s no fucking way I’m spending another full week in a tent. My back and hips ached from crashing on the air mattress. I’d lay in bed when I woke up to go to the bathroom at 4AM because I didn’t want to walk 150 feet through the cold to take a piss in a heated bathroom. I made a decision that, if we go on a big trip again, we’re getting a camper or an RV with running water, a heater, and a bed.

And that was just one week. One! In a National Park campground where there was a supply store a half-mile walk away. If I really wanted to, I could’ve walked over and threw a hot pocked in the microwave or had a little microwaveable burrito or pizza or Lunchable or pre-made sandwich or any of a number of candies or pastries within minutes, anytime between 7AM and 9:30PM.

And here’s George and Jacob Donner, taking their families, essentially, on the worst fucking camping trip imaginable - one that is supposed to last for around five months - and their doing it at the ages of 60 and 56. And Jacob, at 56, also has two teenagers and five kids under the age of nine. What a nightmare. I love my two kids but I also love having my sperm tubes tied up so I can never have another one.

And these guys have no battery powered lights. No Coleman propane grills. No pre-cut kindling. No cooler full of cold beer and beef. They sure as shit don’t have an F-150 or air mattresses. And, unlike me, who was in one place the whole time - they have to set up camp and break it down every damn day. That’s hard work.

Fuck the past. Man it would be hard to not throw yourself off a damn cliff if you ended up getting sent back to the 1800s. It just sounds so incredibly shitty.

C. Reed Party: Along with the Donners were the Reeds. The head of the Reeds clan was James F. Reed, a 45-year-old native of present-day Northern Ireland who’d settled in Illinois in 1831. He’s worked as a store clerk, a miner, various other odd jobs and even fought alongside future President Abraham Lincoln - his name rings a bell - in the Blackhawk War, a brief set of skirmishes with American Indians that lasted a few months, took place in the Illinois and Michigan territories, and took the lives of 77 settlers and soldiers and over a thousand American Indians. Lincoln didn’t actually fight in these skirmishes, but he did serve in the military while they occurred.

James was accompanied by his wife Margret, a thirteen year old step-daughter Virginia, three kids under nine, daughter Martha Jane and Sarah Keyes, Margret's 70-year-old mother, who was in the advanced stages of consumption and died on May 28. First death of the Donner party trip. She was buried by the side of the trail.

That one probably didn’t sting too bad for James. He was probably looking forward to the five-ish month trip with his family but not looking forward to spending that much time in the wagon with his mother-in-law. If anything, here early death was a good omen for him.

In addition to leaving financial worries behind, Reed hoped that California's climate would help Margret, who had long suffered from ill health. The Reeds hired three men to drive the ox teams, another as a handyman, and the handyman’s sister came along as the cook.

And these families started their big journey dangerously late into the season. A month late. They were the last major pioneer train of 1846. And their late start would partly sow the seeds of their gruesome doom.

D. May 20th, 1846: Within a week of leaving Independence, the Reeds and Donners joined up with a group of 50 wagons carrying a variety of other families nominally led by William H. Russell.

Several other families would join in along the way. Like, Levinah Murphy, a 37 year old widow who had 7 kids. Her oldest two kids had families of their own and also came along. Can you imagine that? Truly. Can you even imagine? Thirty-seven and your the matriarch of numerous branches of the family tree. And you have no spouse to help you. Relying on your son-in-laws and kids to help set up and break down camp every day for months on end.

Again - life was comparatively terrible in the 1800s.

Travel on the California Trail followed a tight schedule. Emigrants needed to head west late enough in the spring for there to be grass available for their pack animals, but also early enough so they could cross the treacherous western mountain passes before winter. The sweet spot for a departure was usually sometime in mid to late-April. Just like in the Oregon Trail game! I’d say I can’t believe they started so late but honestly, it sounds like something I’d do. “We’ll be fine! So what if we hit a little snow. Little snow never killed anybody. Worst case, we hole up in a cabin and eat each other. We’ll be fine!”

And yes, even though I’ve been speaking about the Oregon trail until now, because we have more data available regarding that Westward trail, the Donner Party were NOT heading to Oregon. They were heading to California.

As early as 1841, pioneers were deviating South off of the Oregon trail and heading to North-central California along new trails. It wouldn’t be until 1844 that anyone would make it to California with their actual wagons. According to historians, crossing the treacherous Sierra Nevada mountain range with wagons was quote, “a motherfucker.” I’m paraphrasing.

The Stevens-Murphy party had finally proved that wagons could successfully negotiate the rugged Sierra Nevadas in 1844, although the company barely averted disaster after almost becoming snowbound before reaching the safety of the San Joaquin Valley.

By 1845, the trail was an established migration route. And where did this trail go? Well, it started in Missouri and initially was part of the Oregon Trail following the Platte “you might shit yourself to death with cholera” River.

And then, at Ft. Bridger, it cut off from the Oregon Trail. Ft. Bridger was a supply station run by and Pierre Louis. Jim Bridger was a famous frontiersman, mountaineer, trapper, army scout, guide and a possible topic for a future Suck. If you watched the Revenant movie, where DiCaprio gets attacked by a bear and then is left for dead by come men on an expedition with him, the teen who lives DiCaprio behind is called “Bridger” because that character is the young Jim Bridger really did leave a man named Hugh Glass behind after volunteering to stay behind with him. Little bonus trivia there Timesuckers.

And was located on Black Forks of the Green River in Southwestern Wyoming one-hundred and fifteen miles from , Utah.

At this point, you could travel Northwest to Ft. Hall, following the Oregon Trail. OR, you could head West towards the area around present day Salt Lake City. Jim Bridger is the first American white explorer who had been to the Salt Lake area around 1825. More bonus trivia! , the early Mormon, would found the city the following year in 1847. Army surveyors had surveyed in 1843 and 1845. So, it was just barely getting going in 1846.

While there would be more choices later, in 1846, the California Trail split off into three forks from Fort Bridger - the southern route to the Spanish Trail and on to southern California, Hensley's Salt Lake Cutoff, and the soon to be discredited around the south end of the Great Salt Lake and across the salt flats.

Hastings Cutoff would take you North of Salt Lake City over the Sierra Nevada mountains to the San Francisco Bay. But - Hastings Hastings had not traveled any part of his proposed shortcut until early 1846 on a trip from California to Fort Bridger. Only about 75 wagons had used this route prior to the Donner Party. It wasn’t some well-worn, easy to see trail like the much more established Oregon trail was. It wasn’t as established as the Spanish Trail or Hensley’s Cutoff. And, by 1850, most of this new trail would be abandoned by later pioneers getting in on the upcoming gold rush. It wasn’t used anymore because it wasn’t a very good trail good.

Parts of the Hastings Cutoff trail would be incorporated into the getting early Mormon settlers to Salt Lake City, but the trail West of Salt Lake was shit.

And why did the Donner Party take it? Probably because they weren’t very smart. And why weren’t they very smart? Because they hadn’t enrolled in the Great Courses Plus!

E. The Great Courses Plus Midroll!

Timesuck is brought to you today by The Great Courses Plus and The Great Courses Plus has an awesome 31 minute lecture about the Oregon Trail. Taught by Professor Patrick N. Allitt Part of the American West: History, Myth, and Legacy Course. Professor Allitt is a historian who teaches at Emory University in Atlanta who’s written several great books.

I learned from Allitt that part of the appeal of the Willamette Valley in Oregon was that it didn’t have an environment conducive to malaria, like the Mississippi Valley. I had no idea that in the 1840s, people were getting malaria in Mississippi. Or anywhere in the US. I DO get the appeal of less malaria. I feel less is always better when it comes to NOT getting malaria.

It’s a great presentation that can give you what I can’t - lots of maps and pictures of what we’re talking about today.

More information! Deeper dives! That’s what the Great Courses Plus is all about. So much brain candy. It’s made for Timesuck listeners! The Great Courses Plus gives you unlimited access to learn from award-winning experts about virtually anything that interests you - thousands of lectures to enjoy on a variety of topics, like human behavior, the universe, even chess and photography.

Watch and listen to them anytime, anywhere, with The Great Courses Plus App. Another fascinating course I like is called Forensic History: Crimes, Frauds and Scandals - Forensic History explores some of the most fascinating investigations throughout history, using modern tools of forensic science to help solve the mysteries that puzzled detectives – Jack the Ripper, the Black Dahlia, the Tylenol Murders, and more. With the serial killers and crimes we’ve talked about, Forensic History is a great addition for your growing mind. Nice backdrop to the advancements that lead to the capture of the Golden State Killer, for one thing.

And right now, you can get a special, limited time offer - Go to The-Great-Courses –PLUS –dot -com –slash – Timesuck to get a FREE MONTH of unlimited access to all of their lectures - That’s The-Great-Courses –PLUS –dot -com –slash – Timesuck to start your free one month trial today! - thegreatcoursesplus.com/Timesuck

Link in today’s episode description OR just push the Great Courses Plus button on the Timesuck app.

But seriously - why did the Donner Party take the Hastings Cutoff? A brand new trail far more unknown than the rest of the California trail? Because they started late and were desperate for a shortcut. More on that in a bit.

F. June 16th: By June 16, the company had traveled 450 miles, with 200 miles to go before Fort Laramie, Wyoming. Fort Laramie is 210 miles North of Denver and less than 50 miles West of the Nebraska border.

They had been delayed by rain and a rising river, but Tamsen Donner wrote to a friend in Springfield, "indeed, if I do not experience something far worse than I have yet done, I shall say the trouble is all in getting started.” Young Virginia Reed, James’ 13 year old stepdaughter, recalled years later that, during the first part of the trip, she was "perfectly happy.” She doesn’t mention wanting to eat any other members of the party at this point. No talk at all of who looked tastiest. No mention of wanting to load up on BBQ sauce at the next stop because one of the Reed kids looked, “ripe for roasting”. No one in the party had said anything, at this point, from what I can gather, like, “Hey James, if you had to guess which one one of your kids would make the best pot roast, who would it be?”

G. July 20th, 1846: On July 20th at the Little Sandy River, most of the wagon train, opted to follow the established trail via Fort Hall in present-day Idaho that would skip present-day Utah and drop down through Northern Nevada and cross the Sierra Nevadas a little further North of where the Donner Party would cross. And months later, when they found out what happened to the Donners, they must have been beyond happy with this choice. They made it West just fine.

A smaller group opted to head for Fort Bridger with George Donner as their leader. The Reed family also opted for Ft. Bridger. This group would come to be known as the Donner Party. And, unfortunately, no one in this party had any real pioneering skills. And they would definitely NOT be happy with their choice a few months later.

H. July 28th, 1846: On July 28th, 1846, the Donner Party makes it to Fort Bridger.

Right before the Donner Party arrived, , creator of the Hastings Cutoff, had left leading 40 wagons to head back over his new cutoff. He’d left some guide books at Fort Bridger explaining that his route was a smooth trip, devoid of rugged country and hostile American Americans, and that it would shorten the remaining journey by 350 miles. Water would be easy to find along the way, although a couple of days crossing a 30–40-mile dry lake bed would be necessary.

Easy Peasy, right? James Reed thought so.

James Reed was very impressed with the information Hastings had left behind and he strongly advocated for the Hastings Cutoff. And he convinced George Donner to take the cutoff, which he may not have done had he read a warning left for him and the Donner Party by Journalist .

Bryant - who would later become an early mayor of San Francisco, the man Bryant Street is named after - had reached a portion of the Hastings Cutoff a week ahead of the Donner Party and was concerned that it would be difficult for the wagons in the Donner group, especially with so many women and children. He left letters warning several members of the group not to take the shortcut at Ft Bridger, and, for some reason, possibly just simple forgetfulness, Jim Bridger never gave the letters to the Donner Party.

Bryant would later testify that he felt Bridger deliberately concealed the letters. Why he would conceal them is not clear. I can only imagine how sick Bryant felt when he heard what happened to the group he tried to warn.

I. July 31, 1846: On July 31, 1846, the party left Fort Bridger after four days of rest and wagon repairs, eleven days behind the leading Harlan-Young group. Donner hired a replacement driver, and the company was joined by a few additional members camped around the Fort.

The party turned south to follow the Hastings Cutoff. Within days, they found the terrain to be much more difficult than described. They had to lock the wheels of their wagons to prevent them from rolling down steep inclines.

Several years of traffic on the main Oregon Trail had left an easy and obvious path, whereas the Cutoff was more difficult to find. Hastings wrote directions and left letters stuck to trees.

J. August 6th, 1846: On August 6, the party found a letter from Hastings advising them to stop until he could show them an alternative route to that taken by the Harlan-Young Party he was leading. Basically, his letter was like, “Um, yeah, I kind of fucked up when I told you guys to come down my new trail. LOL! I guess I didn’t notice how it’s actually not good at all for wagons. FML. Sorry about that. But - I found a new shortcut. OMG! It’s gonna be fine. YOLO!”

James Reed and two other men rode ahead to get Hastings. They encountered exceedingly difficult canyons where boulders had to be moved and walls cut off precariously to a river below, a route likely to break wagons.

Hastings had offered in his letter to guide the Donner Party around the more difficult areas, but he rode back only part way, indicating the general direction to follow. He left another note, saying as much. “OMG guys. Remember when I said I would come back to lead you? Well, change of plans! LOL! ROTFL! Turns out I have my hands full with the party I’m already leading and we’re worried about not making it across the mountains in time and dying and stuff sooooooo, you know, just follow the instructions in my notes and all should be good. LOL! YOLO! Thumbs up emoticon. Fist emoticon! ”

Hastings instructions had been to avoid a portion of his trail that went through Weber [We - burr] Canyon. So, the group had a choice: turn back and rejoin the traditional trail, follow the tracks left by the Party Hastings was leading through the difficult terrain of Weber [We - burr] Canyon, or forge their own trail in the direction that Hastings had recommended. They decided to pick the new route Hastings recommended.

And it was a terrible decision. There was literally no trail at all now to follow.

Their progress slowed to about a mile and a half a day because all the able-bodied men were required to clear brush, fell trees, and heave rocks to make room for the wagons. Man. Ugh. Having to build your own road as you travelled. Worst way to travel. Stupid wagons. If only the pioneers could’ve used monster trucks everything would’ve been so much easier.

They slowly made it through the Wasatch [Wah-Satch] Mountains, a 160 mile long range you can see from Salt Lake City, and, on August 20th, they could see the great Salt Lake. They were over a month behind schedule now. Not good. And then it took almost another two weeks to get down from the mountains with all their wagons. Ugh.

Food supplies were already beginning to run out for some of the families. Morale was plummeting.

K. August 25th: On August 25th, after losing a wagon party member to consumption, they group found another letter from Hastings. He said there two tough days ahead with no grass or water for the cattle. He was like, “FML bros. There’s no way you make it to California alive now, IMHO. JK! Two more rough days and things get way better. Hopefully. There is a decent chance now a lot of you will die. OMG TMI! JK! LOL! YOLO!”

The Donner Party rested and then set off 36 hours later. They were pot-committed now. Too far from Ft Bridger to turn back. They had to press on despite terrible conditions.

L. August 39th: By August 30th, they made it to the , a large dry lake North of the Great Salt Lake noted for miles and miles of salt flats.

Things looked really bad. And then things got even worse than they looked.

In the heat of the day, the moisture underneath the salt crust they travelled on rose to the surface and turned the soil to a gummy mass. The wheels of their wagons sank into it, in some cases up to the hubs. The days were blisteringly hot and the nights frigid. Several of the group saw visions of lakes and wagon trains, and believed that they had finally overtaken Hastings. After three days, the water was gone, and some of the party removed their oxen from the wagons to press ahead to find more. Some of the animals were so weakened they were left yoked to the wagons and abandoned. Nine of Reed's ten oxen broke free, crazed with thirst, and bolted off into the desert. Many other families' cattle and horses had also gone missing.

The rigors of the journey resulted in irreparable damage to some of the wagons, but no human lives had been lost. Instead of the promised two days journey over 40 miles, the journey across the 80 miles of Great Salt Lake Desert had taken six.

Man. What a nightmare! I’ve driven through the salt flats and it’s beyond barren. And, I’ve seen the desert mirages they saw. What a cruel trick - to think you see water up ahead. Or, water and Hastings and his wagon party. Nope. Just a mirage.

Desert mirages, by the way, occur because light bends to move through warmer, less dense air. In the desert, refraction-caused illusions are known as inferior mirages. “Superior” and “inferior” refer to where the mirage takes place. Superior means it's above the horizon, while inferior means it's below. This is why inferior desert mirages usually show up as water-like images on the ground. In the desert, the air is at its hottest near the surface, and it cools as it rises. This is why the light refracts downward, causing the eye to see sky-like (or water-like) colors below the horizon. Stupid fucking science making poor pioneers so very thirsty!

None of the party had any remaining faith in the Hastings Cutoff as they recovered at the springs on the other side of the desert. They spent several days trying to recover cattle, retrieve the wagons left in the desert, and transfer their food and supplies to other wagons.

They send two party members ahead on horseback to try and reach Sutter’s Fort near present-day Sacramento to gather supplies and bring them back to the wagon train. Sutter’s Fort had been built in 1839 with the permission of the Mexican Government and is the first non-American Indian settlement of central California. It was originally called New Switzerland by it’s founder, . John would soon build a saw mill, called Sutter’s Mill, big fucking nuggets of gold would be found, and the of 1849 would be on like Donkey Kong - the 49ers! Another possible Suck someday.

M. Mid-September: The remaining serviceable wagons were pulled by mongrel teams of cows, oxen, and mules. It was the middle of September, and two young men who went in search of missing oxen reported that another 40-mile long stretch of desert lay ahead. Fuck. I’m guessing several men punched their wagons upon hearing that. “AARRGHH!?! FUCK!?! SO SICK OF THE DESERT!?!” N. September 26th, 1846: Despite their hatred of Hastings by this point, they had no choice but to follow his tracks, which were now weeks old and hard to see in places. On September 26, two months after embarking on the cutoff, the Donner Party arrived at the , not terribly far from present day Elko, Nevada delayed by over a month.

So now, with their late start and losing a month thanks to the short cut, they’re a good two months behind where they should be and dangerously low on supplies when they rejoin the California Trail.

Well before they would get stuck in a Winter storm, shit had already gotten real bad for the Donner party. And then there is a murder.

Along the Humboldt, the group met Paiute [pahy-oot] American Indians, who joined them for a couple of days and then stole or shot several oxen and horses. “Not cool, you guys! We really needed those horses and oxens! Man! I thought you guys were our friends!”

By now, it was well into October, and the Donner families has split off from the Reeds and others to make better time. Two wagons in lagging-behind remaining group became tangled, and a man named John Snyder angrily beat the ox of James Reed's hired teamster Milt Elliott. When Reed intervened, Snyder turned the whip on him. Awwwww shit! “You getting the whip, Reed! How you like that? How you like that whip, Reed? You like it? You like that ol’ whip??” Reed did NOT like the whip. Reed retaliated by fatally plunging a knife under Snyder's collarbone. Never bring a whip to a knife fight.

That evening, the witnesses gathered to discuss what was to be done. United States laws were not applicable west of the Continental Divide - it was, for a little while longer, actually still Mexican territory they were in. Wagon trains often dispensed their own justice. How crazy is that? They were in lawless territory. No courts. No police. Just the law of the trail! And some people thought it should be legal to stab someone to death if they whip you. I don’t know. I feel like, you whip a grown man in a lawless land, you get whatever you get.

Some said Reed acted in self-defense, others said he took things way too far and murdered Snyder and should be hanged. A comprise was reached - he was banished from the group, which actually worked out well for him, since he was then able to ride ahead to Sutter’s Fort and not have to eat anyone.

So, now, one of the leaders of the party has been banished for killing a man, and Winter is approaching. Grass was becoming scarce, and the animals were steadily weakening. To relieve the load of the animals, everyone was expected to walk. And worst of all, no more notes from Hastings. Maybe they just got lost. “Hey guys! If you’re reading this, congrats - you’re still alive! LOL! Bad news. If you’re reading this after Labor Day, probably not for long! ROFL! JK! But really, you need to hurry if you don’t want to have to eat each other in some cabins. TTYL! YOLO!”

O. October 7th: On October 7th, a seventy-year old Belgian man known as Mr. Hardkoop can’t handle the walking and his feet become swollen and start to split open in places. If you’re not a podiatrist, just know that this is not what you want your feet to do, ideally. Ideally, you want not swollen, not cracked open feet. Ol’ Hardkoop sits down by a stream, unable to walk farther, and maybe gets up again, maybe not. The wagon train decides to leave him behind and he’s never seen again.

P. October 11, 1846: A few days later, on October 11th, Paiute [pahy- oot] Indians kill 21 of the Donner Party's oxen. Shortly thereafter they steal another 18 oxen and wound several others. More than 100 of the party's cattle are now gone. Fuuuuuuck! “Damn it you guys! REALLY NOT COOL! We are DEFINITELY not friends now! You guys have RUINED that. We really wanted to keep those oxen. Now we’re gonna have to eat each other. Great. We’re eating each other now. THANKS guys.”

Q. October 13, 1846: Then, on October 13th, another murder occurs, which is bad. Ideally, you have no murders on a wagon train. It’s not helpful. Almost all his cattle dead, a German emigrant named Wolfinger stops to take apart his wagon and reduce his load for the rest of the trip. Two men, Joseph Reinhardt and Augustus Spitzer, stay behind to help but return without him, saying that he has been killed by American Indians. Reinhardt will later, before dying horrifically, confess to having killed Wolfinger.

R. October 16, 1846: The Donner Party arrives at the on October 16th, a river that flows right through Reno, Nevada today, and this river will lead them into the Sierra Nevada. Everyone’s walking and almost all of the rations everyone have brought are gone. By this point, according to one historian, "To the bedraggled, half-starved members of the Donner Party, it must have seemed that the worst of their problems had passed. They had already endured more than many emigrants ever did.”

If only that were true. They hadn’t seen even close to the worst yet. Things would get SO MUCH WORSE.

S. October 20th: It was now October 20th and the Donner Party had been told that the pass would not be snowed in until the middle of November. Faced with one last push over mountains that were described as much worse than the Wasatch, the ragtag company had to decide whether to forge ahead or rest their remaining cattle a bit. They decided to let the cattle rest up for a bit.

T. October 25, 1846: The Party gets a bit of good news on October 25th. The emigrants' food is almost depleted when one of the two men they’d sent to Sutter’s Fort, Charles Stanton, returns from Sutter's Fort near present day Sacramento. He brings seven mules loaded with provisions and two Miwok [mee-wok] Indian guides (Luis and Salvador), plus the news that the pass through the Sierras should be open for another month. Another party member, William McCutchen, who had accompanied him to California, is ill and remains at Sutter's Fort.

But the good times don’t last long.

U. October 30, 1846: On October 30th, 1846, the group prepared to celebrate Halloween. It was great. The kids dressed up as less- hungry, less-depressed, less terrified children pretending they don’t actually need treats for their very survival. Everyone cries a lot. No one gets candy. So much fun.

No.

On October 30th, a man named William Foster accidentally shoots his brother-in-law William Pike, who dies a short time later, while handing him a rifle. Whoops.

And then, as a terrible omen of things to come, snow falls during his burial in Truckee Canyon a little north of Lake Tahoe. It’s come weeks earlier while they are still weeks away from making it to the West side of the mountains.

As snow continues to fall on Halloween and then during the first week of November, one family, the Breens, makes it up to Truckee Lake (now known as Donner Lake), and camps near a cabin that had been built two years earlier by another group of pioneers.

They’re now 6,000 feet above sea level and Winter has begun.

This is really bad. Weather can get rough so fast once you’re a mile or more above sea level.

The fam and I camped at Bridge Bay on Yellowstone Lake, just over 7700 feet in elevation, and shit can get cold in a hurry that high in the mountains. And the weather can change so fast. We almost got snowed on the last day of June. The temperature dropped to 36 degrees overnight and we got hailed on. It would hail hard for an hour and then suddenly stop and be sunny ten minutes later. And this is at the end of June. In October? Forget it. It can pound snow on you in September at that altitude that far up the continent. When that snow started to fall on the Donner Party in October, some of them had to have known they were fucked.

Two other families, the Eddys and Kesebergs, attempt to make it over what is now known as Donner’s Pass, but they find 5–10-foot drifts of snow. Five to ten FEET of snow. No fucking way you get a wagon through that. or a horse. Or yourself without modern snow gear. Any sign of a trail has been buried until Spring and they turned back for Truckee Lake knowing that if they didn’t, they’d freeze to death where they stood. Within a day, all the families were camped there except for the Donners, who were five miles below them—half a day's journey. The Donners would remain a half-mile down for the remainder of the Hellish Winter.

Over the next few days, several more attempts were made to breach the pass with their wagons and animals, but all efforts failed.

V. Winter Camp: Sixty members and associates of the Breen, Graves, Reed, Murphy, Keseberg, and Eddy families set up for the winter at Truckee Lake. Three widely separated cabins of pine logs served as their homes, with dirt floors and poorly constructed flat, leaky roofs.

The families used canvas or oxhide to patch the faulty roofs. The cabins had no windows or doors, only large holes to allow entry. Of the 60 at Truckee Lake, 19 were men over 18, 12 were women, and 29 were children, 6 of whom were toddlers or younger. Farther down the trail, close to Alder Creek, the Donner families hastily constructed tents to house 21 people. The Alder Camp. Another place atrocities would occur.

W. November 4th: On November 4th, it began to snow nonstop—the beginning of a storm that lasted 8 days. This is after finding those five to ten feet snow drifts. I’m guessing most of the pioneers just started crying often and a lot at this point.

By the time the party made camp, very little food remained from the supplies that Stanton had brought back from Sutter's Fort. The oxen began to die and their carcasses were frozen and stacked. Truckee Lake was not yet frozen, but the pioneers didn’t know how to catch the lake trout.

I get that. I was on a boat with new fishing poles and just about every lure you can buy and me and two other experienced fisherman struck out all day at Lake Yellowstone. Fucking stingy Cutthroats.

One man managed to kill a black bear, but that was it. I came way too close to a black bear this past Friday in Yellowstone. Like an asshole, I got out of my truck against Lynze and the kid’s better judgement to get a closer look at a black bear off the side of the road. I took a few pics, took some video, then jogged back to my truck. And when I got back, a spotted a second black bear in my driver’s side rear view mirror. Son of a bitch was standing exactly where I had been about five seconds earlier. I had my back to him as he was on the other side of the road. If he would’ve been a Grizzly I could have easily won a Darwin award. Fuck Idiots of the Internet, I would’ve been the Idiot of the year.

Desperation grows in camp and some people reason that individuals might succeed in navigating the pass where the wagons could not. After traveling over 2,000 miles - they are less than a 150 miles from Sutter’s Fort. Today, you can drive on I-80 from Donner’s Pass to Sacramento, and it’s only ninety-three miles via the freeway.

X. November 12: On November 12th, it stops snowing and a small party tried to reach the summit on foot, but the deep powder is too difficult to get through and they return that same evening. Over the next week, two more attempts were made by other small parties - both quickly failing.

Y. November 21st: On November 21, a large party of about 22 people do make it through the pass but get stuck a mile and-a-half on the other side and give up and head back.

Life at the Winter Camp at Truckee Lake, now Donner Lake, is beyond miserable.

The cabins are cramped and filthy, and it snowed so much that people were unable to go outdoors for days. Diets soon consisted of oxhide, strips of which were boiled to make a "disagreeable" glue-like jelly. Ox and horse bones were boiled repeatedly to make soup, and they became so brittle that they would crumble upon chewing. Sometimes they were softened by being charred and eaten. Bit by bit, the one family’s children picked apart the oxhide rug that lay in front of their fireplace, roasted it in the fire, and ate it.

Holy shit you know you’re hungry when you decide to eat a rug. That is a level of hunger I have never felt and hope I never do feel. Wow. How would a rug even provide you with any nutrition? Why not just eat dirt at that point. Just start eating the wood of the cabin. Cut off your hair and eat it. Just eat anything that isn’t so sharp or poisonous it will kill you.

Families start to catch and eat mice that stray into their cabins. Many become too weak to get out of bed. Occasionally someone would be able to make the full-day trek to see the Donners, who stuck in their own camp. News came that Jacob Donner and three hired men have died. One of them is the man who confessed on his deathbed that he had murdered Wolfinger. George Donner's hand, injured days earlier while repairing his wagon, has become infected.

Z. December 16th: On December 16th, seventeen of the most able- bodied pioneers, some children, leave camp on snowshoes they’d constructed from ox-hide and whatever else they could gather. Their group would later become known as The Forlorn Hope, so, you know shit is not going to go well for them.

A few members of the party are now actively dying from malnutrition which is what happens when you think you can live on boiled rug! I’m not totally familiar with the whole food pyramid, but, I do know that boiled rug is FOR SURE not on it. The group is more desperate than ever. Each member of the snow shoe party is able to scrape up six days worth of starvation rations, which are the worst kind of rations.

“And here’s your daily ration.”

“What? This is one saltine cracker and half a blueberry.”

“Oh, I’m sorry. I forgot to explain. This is your STARVATION ration, which means, you can eat it, but, you’ll still starve.”

The members of the party were malnourished and unaccustomed to camping in snow 12 feet deep and, by the third day, most were snowblind, which is a temporary dimming of sight caused by the glare of reflected sunlight on snow. Never had it but I’ve heard of it. So now they’re starving, freezing, and they can’t see. Awesome. But they press on.

AA.December 21st: On December 21st, a man named Stanton remained behind, saying that he would follow the rest shortly. His remains were found in that location the following year, so…. turns out he was a LIAR! He wasn’t planning on following anyone!

Around Christmas time, the Forlorn Hope group becomes lost and confused. They’ve exhausted their rations. After two more days without food, one member, Patrick Dolan proposed that one of them should volunteer to die in order to feed the others. Some suggested a duel, while another account describes an attempt to create a lottery to choose a member to sacrifice.

A duel! Fight to not be eaten in the snow! Crazy times.

Turns out they don’t need a duel or a lottery. A blizzard hits and two men die.

As the blizzard progress, Patrick Dolan loses his fucking mind, strips off his clothes, and runs into the woods. He returns a short time later and is dead within a few hours, which is exactly why you’re not supposed to get naked and crazy in the woods.

And then, the first guy to advocate cannibalism ironically becomes the first meal of human flesh.

Possibly because 12-year-old Lemuel Murphy was near death himself, some members the group began to eat flesh from Dolan's body. Lemuel's sister tries to feed him a bit of Patrick, but it’s too late. He dies anyway. Three of the snowshoers refuse to eat him, including the two American Indians. The next morning, the group strips the muscle and organs from the bodies of four dead men and dries it to store for the days ahead, taking care to ensure that nobody would have to eat his or her relatives.

God, man. Drying out human meat to eat later! So gross. For pioneers, drying usually involved salting slices of meat, then laying the meat slices out for 2 weeks before then placing in brine for a further 3 weeks. After which the slices were dried with a cloth and hung in a cool dry place away from flies. I doubt the snowshoers had brine. Guessing they maybe brought some salt to salt any meat from any game they killed. And now they had to dress out a human like you would a deer. How terrible would that job be? Cutting the meat off of human bones. Roasting it over a campfire later. Or, was anyone so hungry they ate it raw? How chewy would that be? Imagine, right now, if you’re sitting in an office somewhere, or around other people in traffic, slicing once of them up, roasting them, and eating them. That’s what these poor bastards had to do.

PAUSE IDIOTS OF THE INTERNET

IV. Idiots of the Idiot

A. From the Donner Party Part 8 - Ric Burns Documentary on the Donnor Party.

1. Okay. The first two comments aren’t idiotic. I just thought they were funny.

User Bryan Foreman posted: Keseberg was gnawing on a leg bone when they found him. He had a huge belly and couldn't stop belching. His first words to the search party were, "What took you so long?" Then, he asked them if they brought any steak sauce with them.

Haha! This one just made me laugh. Thanks Bryan. I like the notes of him having a huge belly and how he couldn’t stop burping. Really paint a picture. Not just eating a leg, either - “gnawing” on it. That’s a great adjective choice. Gnawing paints a totally different picture than eating, or chewing. With gnawing, I picture chunks of food in his beard. He’s wild eyed. Attacking the leg with his mouth almost randomly. Scraping the bones with his teeth. Like a fucking animal.

User Hecho68 had another one I liked, posting:

2. Hecho68 says: The Green Family had a stash of lemon pepper, A-1sauce, and cattlemen's Illinois smokey BBQ sauce. that's why they had no problem eating the flesh off their party. especially the ribs. I want my baby back baby back baby back baby back baby back ribs.”

Haha. Again. I love the details. No lazy writing here. Not just bbq sauce, Cattleman’s Illinois Smokey BBQ sauce. And not just pepper. Lemon Pepper. Really makes the family seem like their cannibal connoisseurs. They’re not just eating human flesh - they’re really enjoying it. Savoring every bite. Cooking it with some pride. I picture the dad wearing some kind of Family Grill master bbq bib. Maybe it says, “Stand back everybody! I’m busy grilling somebody.”

In the next video we get some dumb shit.

B. Part 9 of Donner Party documentary

1. LBoy926 posts, “didn’t mean to thumb that down”.

Alright. Then just click the thumb down button again and erase your thumbs down L Boy. It’s okay. We all make mistakes. Most of us just try and correct them instead of just explaining to strangers why we did something they don’t care about.

2. User Carla Thompson leaves about ten comments in a row. She has a lot to say about the Donners, none of it intelligent. Here’s some of it:

“it is morlly wrong tro kill people for food... but keep in mind some of these people went insane may not have been thinking logically or rationally to realize it is immoral.”

Thanks for that clarification Captain obvious. “It is bad to eat people. However, if you are starving and not thinking straight - maybe not as bad to eat people compared to other people eating situations.” Brilliant!

Carla also adds:

“I wouldn't call the plight of the donner party a fairy tale by any means... that was just horrendous what happened.”

I don’t think anyone has literally ever thought of their trip as a fairy tale, Carla. Why would you ever need to say that? That goes without saying is the understatement of the year. No one in the video comments alluded to the Donner Party’s trip West being anything other than horrendous.

“Look, everyone, it’s no fairy tale getting eaten. Someone had to say it.”

And then Carla leaves several posts about how it was not good what settlers did to American Indians, however, the American Indians gave settlers STDs, so, you know - kind of even.

We took your land and killed a lot of your people and ruined your culture BUT, you did give us a rash on our weens. So, kind of even. Carla says:

“their knowledge as well as the natives were limited when it came to diseases. its unfortunate these things happne, but they do when two cultures come in contact with each other. i sympathicize with natives but i also sympathcize with the plight of settlers... Their lives were not easy and at worst treacherous at every turn on the oregon trail. they also gave settlers some nasty lifr threatening veneral diseases.”

This odd post does bring up something interesting - syphilis, that nasty disease that ravaged London in the Jack the Ripper episode, is thought to have been brought back to Europe by Columbus. It first showed up in Europe in 1495. Curious timing.

However, what is overlooked here is consent. Did the natives give STDs do the early explorers. Or, were STDS taken from them when native women were raped? Not sure a lot of those native women were just happy to bed the early explorers.

Finally, the user Mad Hatter posts, expectedly, insanity: “Once you eat human flesh, you lose your soul.”

I love it when people post nonsense as fact. “You know you actually lose your soul when you eat someone, right? Yeah - the scientists figured it out. The second you take a bite of anyone, the soul can be seen slipping right on down to Hell. We’ve known that since the Mike Tyson/Evander Holyfield fight on June 28th, 1997. If you watch the replay, you can see Tyson’s soul leave his body right after taking a bite of Holyfield’s ear.”

PAUSE IDIOTS OF THE INTERNET

V. Timeline Continued:

Back to the Donner Timeline! Just in time for Christmas!

A. December 25th: The holidays were going a little better for those still camped at Donner Lake.

Margret Reed, wife of banished James Reed, had managed to save enough food for a Christmas pot of soup, to the delight of her children, but by January they were facing starvation and considered eating the ox-hides that served as their roof. Margret Reed, Virginia, Milt Elliott, and the servant girl Eliza Williams attempted to walk out, reasoning that it would be better to try to bring food back than sit and watch the children starve. They were gone for four days in the snow before they had to turn back.

B. January 1847: The new year doesn’t treat the snowshoeing party very well. The snowshoers kept moving, and after a few days, they’d eaten all the meat they’d taken from the four dead men. They began to take apart their snowshoes to eat the oxhide webbing and discussed killing the two Miwok [mee-wok] American Indians along with them - the only two living members of the snowshoers who had declined to eat human flesh btw - but then another party member died during the night. Luis and Salvador, the Miwoks [mee-wok], split off in fear for their lives.

Two other members take off to hunt the next day, and when they return with deer meat, the man who died the night before has already been cut apart for food.

C. January 10th: On January 10th, the few remaining snowshoers come across Salvador and Luis, who had not eaten for about nine days and were close to death. A man named William Foster shot the pair, believing that their flesh was the group's last hope of avoiding imminent death from starvation.

They would be the only two members of the Donner Party who would definitely be murdered in order to be eaten. The rest are believed to have died naturally. Although others could’ve easily been murdered and no one confessed to it.

D. January 12th: On January 12, the group stumbled into a Miwok camp looking so deteriorated that they scared the shit out of the camp's inhabitants who initially fled. Then, the Miwoks gave them what they had to eat: acorns, grass, and pine nuts. I’m guessing they didn’t mention to anyone in the camp that they’d eaten some of their fellow tribe members.

“Man, these are good pine nuts! Hot damn! Wish I had some more Salvador to go with…. Oh. This is awkward…”

After a few days, one of the seven remaining members of the Forlorn Hope party, William Eddy, continued on with the help of a Miwok to a ranch in a small farming community at the edge of the Sacramento Valley. A hurriedly assembled rescue party found the other six survivors on January 17. Their journey from Truckee Lake had taken 33 days and they’d eaten several people in order to do it.

E. February 18th: The following month, on February 18th, seven members of a rescue party organized by William Eddy make it to Donner’s Lake.

When they arrived, one Donner Party member named Mrs. Murphy appeared from a hole in the snow - the cabins had been completely buried - stared at them and asked, "Are you men from California, or do you come from heaven?” That’s when you know you’ve lost your mind. When you don’t know if people are from California or Heaven.

The relief party doled out food in small portions, concerned that it might kill the emaciated people they were rescuing if they overate.

Sodden oxhide roofs had begun to rot and the smell was overpowering. Thirteen people were dead and their bodies had been loosely buried in snow near the cabin roofs.

Three of the rescue party trekked to the Donners and brought back four gaunt children and three adults.

The infection in George Donner's hand had spread to his arm that was so gangrenous he couldn’t move. Twenty-three people were chosen to go with the rescue party, including the wife of James Reed, Margaret, leaving twenty-one in the cabins at Truckee slash Donner Lake and twelve at Alder Creek where the Donners were.

Two died on the way to Sutter’s Fort. On the way, they ran into a second rescue group heading to Donner’s Pass, this one led by the previously banished James Reed. Margaret collapsed into the snow and wept upon hearing his voice.

F. March 1st: On March 1st, the second rescue party made it to the Winter Camp on Donner’s Lake.

Incredibly, no one had died during the interim between the departure of the first relief party and the arrival of the second relief party.

Unfortunately, this was mostly because they started eating those who had died before the first rescuers reached the camp.

The first two members of the relief party to reach the Donner camp a little ways past the lake saw one survivor carrying a human leg. When they made their presence known, he threw it into a hole in the snow that contained the mostly dismembered body of Jacob Donner.

“Hey! I know this looks bad. Damn, um, foxes, I mean wolves, I mean fox-wolves keep eating our dead. So I was just taking back a leg from one of them and putting it with the rest of the body until we can give him a proper burial!”

“Uh-huh. So, how do you explain the specks of leg meat in your beard.”

“(awkward laugh followed by mumbling)”

Inside the tent, Elizabeth Donner refused to eat, although her children were being nourished by the organs of their father. Damn man. And these kids would live! Live with the memory of eating Pa. The rescuers discovered that three other bodies had already been consumed. In the other tent, George’s infection had reached his shoulder. His wife, Tamsen, was still well at this point but insisted on remaining with her husband.

The second relief party evacuated 17 members. All but three were kids. They got caught in a blizzard on the way back and one child froze to death. One of the Donner girls feet were badly burned because they’d become so frostbitten she didn’t realize she’d fallen asleep with them in the fire. The relief party ended up splitting up in the blizzard and in the chaos that would follow, two additional children would end up being eaten - their mutilated remains found later in the snow.

Damn it! How much does that suck? The rescue party rescues you from a camp where people are being eaten and you just end up getting eaten anyway when the rescue party gets stuck in a blizzard.

G. March 14th: A third rescue party reached the camps on March 14th. George and Tamsen are still alive but George is still too sick to travel and Tamsen still refuses to leave her husband. Four children are rescued by this third rescue party. H. April 10th: On April 10th, a fourth rescue party arrives to find George Donner dead. Tamsen is not in the tent with him.

On their way back to Truckee Lake, the rescuers find the last living member of the Donner Party, a man named Lewis Keseberg - and he tells them what happened to Tamsen. I’ll give you a hint - she gets eaten!

Lewis Keseberg was born in Germany on 22nd May, 1814. He was married on 22nd June, 1842, and two years later emigrated to the United States. And a few years after that, joined the Donner Party with his wife and two young children.

And according to Lewis, Tamsen Donner had arrived at his cabin on her way over the pass, soaked and visibly upset. Lewis said that he put a blanket around her and told her to start out in the morning, but she died during the night.

Yeah, no.

The salvage party were suspicious of Keseberg's story, and found a pot full of human flesh in the cabin along with George Donner's pistols, jewelry, and $250 in gold. They threatened to lynch him and then he confessed that he had cached $273 of the Donners' money at Tamsen's suggestion, so that it could one day benefit her children. And then she did die in the night, and, once she was dead, he decided to eat her.

And, apparently, they bought his story. She could’ve easily died naturally. Or, he could’ve killed her and eaten her. Who knows.

I. April 29, 1847: On April 29, 1847, Keseberg was the last member of the Donner Party to arrive at Sutter's Fort. And later on, no shit, he would open a restaurant in Sacramento.

Eighty-six settlers followed George Donner across the Great Salt Lake Desert across Hasting’s Cutoff. Out of the 87 members of the Donner Party, only 48 made it to California. It was the worst disaster in US wagon trail history.

And that takes is out of today’s Timesuck Timeline.

PAUSE TIMESUCK TIMELINE OUTRO

VI. Aftermath: The story of the Donner Party disaster reached all the way back to New York City by the summer of 1847. Accounts of the cannibalism were greatly sensationalized and the story ran across the nation.

Incredibly, that dude who was banished? James Reed - the guy who stabbed the dude who whipped him - he never lost a single family member. Except for his mother-in-law at the start of course. Other than that, all the Reeds made it West. The remaining Donner children - both George and Jacob’s children - were orphaned. The Donners lost all their adult family members and four of the children died.

That Party’s animals fared even worst. Only three mules made it West. All the Oxen, horses, and other animals died.

Various family’s had brought their dogs out West as well, and all died. Many were eaten. The Reeds adopted two of the Donner children. Many of the widows who made it remarried quickly. Women were in short supply out West.

The youngest of the Donner children, three year old Eliza, would publish an account of what happened that winter in 1911.

One young traveler, Nancy Graves, was nine years old during the winter of 1846–1847. She refused to acknowledge her involvement even when contacted by historians interested in recording the most accurate versions of the episode. She reportedly was unable to recover from her role in the cannibalism of her brother and mother.

Lewis Keseberg brought a defamation suit against several members of the relief party who accused him of murdering Tamsen Donner. The court awarded him $1 in damages, but also made him pay court costs. An 1847 story printed in the California Star described Keseberg's actions in ghoulish terms and his near-lynching by the salvage party, reporting that he preferred eating human flesh over the cattle and horses that had become exposed in the spring thaw. Historian Charles McGlashan amassed enough material to indict Keseberg for the murder of Tamsen Donner, but after interviewing Keseberg he concluded that no murder occurred.

As Keseberg grew older, he became a hermit and kept to himself. Guessing business wasn’t too good at his restaurant. He’d become a social pariah and was routinely threatened. He told McGlashan, "I often think that the Almighty has singled me out, among all the men on the face of the earth, in order to see how much hardship, suffering, and misery a human being can bear!”

There’s now a memorial where the camp was trapped for the Winter, the Donner Memorial State Park. The top of the 22 foot tall pedestal indicates how deep the snow was when the rescue parties arrived. Twenty-two feet. What a fucking nightmare! Amazing that anyone made it out alive. I don’t even understand how they were rescued. Of those who died in the Donner Party, 34 died that Winter.

And what did we learn this episode - outside of some history? Well, that some people won’t eat another person just to save themselves, and others will. Which kind of person are you? Would you eat a human being to survive? Or, would you rather die?

I think I’d do it. If someone was already dead, especially someone I didn’t know well, I think I could. If it was just my immediate family, I don’t think I could. I couldn’t eat my kids or Lynze. Or my parents or grandparents or sister, nieces, that kind of stuff. I feel like I have a few cousins I could eat. I could eat a few of my neighbors. There’s some people at the gym I could eat. Strangers for sure.

For some reason, I picture myself ideally eating a ginger. Why is that? Maybe because with poultry I prefer white meat and they have the fairest skin. But, I think our meat would be more like beef, right? Yeah. For sure. So, I guess the person’s color doesn’t matter. Someone lean - that’s my preference. And muscular. I picture them having more steak. Like, Serena Williams looks tasty. Is that weird to say? Tom Hardy looks like he’d make a good steak. Is that weird? I’m gonna stop now.

Who would you eat? Discuss amongst yourselves. It’s time for Top Five Takeaways.

PAUSE TOP FIVE TAKEAWAYS

VII. Top Five Takeaways

1. Number one. The Donner Party ended up getting stuck in the Sierra Nevadas mainly for two reasons. They left a month later than they should have and they took Hastings Cutoff which turned out to be the opposite of shortcut. Hastings’ route alone cost them 18 days.

2. Number two. Bad luck regarding weather also doomed the Donners! There was a total of 10 major storm periods during the winter of 1846-47 beginning Oct. 16, 1846, and ending in early April 1847. And they created over twenty feet of snow in places.

3. Number three. James Reed was able to help organize rescue parties to save his family because he made it to Sutter’s Fort because he stabbed a dude who whipped him, proving that sometimes, it really pays to stab someone.

4. Number four. Of the 87 members of the Donner party, only 48 survived to reach California, many of them having eaten the dead for survival.

5. Number five - new info! Future President Abraham Lincoln damn near ended up in the Donner Party. Seriously.

While working as a lawyer in Springfield, Illinois, Abraham Lincoln continued his friendship with James Reed. Remember that they had first met many years before, when they were messmates in the Blackhawk War.

When Reed’s businesses began to fail due to a national economic downturn, Lincoln counseled his friend, and just before the wagon caravan departed for the far West, Lincoln helped Reed through bankruptcy proceedings. Reed was able to stash away a considerable amount of cash that he later used to purchase land in California.

Many years after the Donner Party tragedy, one of Reed’s daughters revealed that Lincoln seriously considered joining the caravan but ultimately didn't go due to opposition from his wife. Instead, Lincoln entered politics. Kind of worked out for him.

PAUSE TOP FIVE TAKEAWAYS OUTRO

VIII.Closing Announcements:

The Donner Party - sucked! A better fate than being eaten. Think about them whenever you have a bad travel experience going forward. It might not be going well, but, is it going Donner Party bad? Have you had to eat a fellow traveler? No? Then it could be much worse.

A. Thanks! Big thanks to the Timesuck Team! Harmony Vellekamp, Jesse Dobner, Reverend Doctor Joe! Yes, Joe - not Josh. More on that down the road. We’ll give Joe a proper introduction. Thanks to Alex Dugan, the Bit Elixir Team, Danger Brain, Erik Radaker, and Queen of the Suck Lynze Cummins.

HUGE thanks to OG Bojangles Research team members the Lillie Twins. Pointed me in all the right directions for today’s Suck!

B. Want to meet some fellow Timsuckers! Head to the private Facebook Group while we still work towards our own messageboard on the website and app. Timesucker private facebook - provide link in episode description

C. Next week we head South. Pancho Villa gets sucked! Who’s Pancho? A famed Mexican revolutionary and guerilla leader. Villa killed more than 30 Americans in a pair of attacks in 1916. Whoops! That drew the deployment of a U.S. military expedition into Mexico, but Villa eluded capture during an 11-month manhunt. And then he was pardoned by Mexican President Adolfo de la Huerta in 1920, and Villa retired to live a quiet life at his ranch. Which he did. Until he was murdered. And there’s so much more to his story! And we tell it next week. I don’t know shit about Pancho Villa and I’m excited to learn his tale.

And now it’s time for Timesucker Updates!

PAUSE TIMESUCKER UPDATES INTRO

IX. Timesucker Updates

A. First up! A plea for help that I just couldn’t ignore from Timesucker and Space Lizard, Jamie Brice.

Hey Dan the man of many titles, including but not limited to Reverend Dr Suckmaster General and Suck Dungeonmaster, and quite possibly my spirit animal, I am writing to ask you to do the unthinkable. I hate myself already and I haven’t even asked yet. I’m only doing this because you are in the very unique position of being quite possibly the only one who can help. My lady and I are huge fans and Space Lizards. I’ve been a fan of your stand-up for years but didn’t know about the Suck until a few months ago, courtesy of my gal. Anyway, she and I have recently gotten together after years of never thinking it would happen. There were so many obstacles that it seems insane to me that it’s actually happening. Well it was happening until a very recent and very stupid argument stemming from deep-rooted insecurities and untreated mental issues I have been struggling with for years. Speaking of which, thank you for the compassion you show people like me on the Suck. It means more than you know. My lady never misses an episode, so if you can find it in your heart, would you consider delivering a message to her via the Suck? We have tickets to see you in Dayton on 7/28, 10:00 show. If we don’t patch things up I’ll be going alone and I probably won’t be in a laughing mood so it’s really in your best interest to help me out. ;) So, in the off-chance that you might actually do what I’m asking, and I know it’s a big ask, this is the message: Pam, if you’re listening, Jim is sorry for being an asshole whackadoodle. Let’s go back to Narnia. “You can’t go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the ending.”- CS Lewis End message. I know. We’re the literal worst. Her name is actually Mallory and I’m Jamie, but yea we call ourselves Jim and Pam. Obviously big Office fans, too. I know doing this would risk making you look like Delilah or something, but it would mean the world to me and just might salvage a relationship. Our future children would owe you their lives! Thank you for being out there and suck as long and hard as you can. Stay curious. A fan for life, Jamie Brice

Well, Jamie Jim - I hope you and Mallory Pam are talking. If not, I hope this gets you talking. Give him a call Mallory Pam! Not many guys would reach out like this. Sounds like you two have a lot of history, and you don’t want to throw that away without really giving it a chance.

I don’t the details of your relationship, or what Jamie Jim did to upset you, but it sure sounds like he loves you, and love doesn’t always come easy. Good luck you two. See one of you, or both of you, in Dayton.

B. Fellow Much Mouth Melissa Fry wrote in.

Dear Master of Suck, I bow to your greatness. I, like you, also suffer from mush-mouth as well as pronouncing many words wrong! I have picked up your habit of looking up pronunciations, especially local news stations to pronounce cities, and it has saved me so much teasing! I just wanted you to know that you are not alone and that I appreciate you!! You spread knowledge about so much more than just what you present from your research! I love your podcast so much, it makes my week! Keep sucking your suck forever! Much love and HAIL NIMROD!

Melissa Fry

Love you fellow mush mouth! Glad to know you’re out there. Glad to know you care.

C. And now a sort of Idiots of the Idiot update from The Great Courses Plus Digital Marketing Manager and Timesucker Julie Stoltz.

Julie and I have been writing back and forth, and this morning she shared some craziness underneath a Great Courses Plus Facebook Post. Unreal.

https://www.facebook.com/TheGreatCourses/posts/ 1722943834408694

Hooooo-leeee-shiiiit.

Thanks for sharing Julie. Thanks for the reminder that we have to get smarter! There are too many idiots out there!

PAUSE TIMESUCKER UPDATES OUTRO

X. Goodbye A. That’s all for this week, Timesuckers. Enjoy your 4th of July. Grill up some meat! Just don’t let it be human meat. And keep on suckin’!

https://www.ranker.com/list/oregon-trail-deaths/mike-rothschild https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lewis_and_Clark_Expedition#Aftermath https://americasbesthistory.com/abhtimeline1840.html https://www.history.com/this-day-in-history/house-resolves-to-stop- sharing-oregon https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Oregon_Territory https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Treaty_of_1818 https://www.history.com/topics/mexican-american-war https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/George_M._Dallas https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/James_K._Polk#Post- presidency,_death_and_interments https://www.history.com/topics/mexican-american-war https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Oregon_Trail http://usda.mannlib.cornell.edu/usda/AgCensusImages/1954/02/01/988/ Table-02.pdf https://www.officialdata.org/1847-dollars-in-2016?amount=1.25 https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fort_Hall https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fort_Astoria https://www.history.com/topics/oregon-trail http://www.thepeoplehistory.com/1840to1849.html https://www.oregontrailcenter.org/HistoricalTrails/Supplies.htm https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Edwin_Markham https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/cholera/symptoms- causes/syc-20355287 https://www.ranker.com/list/oregon-trail-deaths/mike-rothschild http://overlandtrails.lib.byu.edu/essay_ctrail.php https://www.blm.gov/sites/blm.gov/files/learn_interp_nhotic_kidstrail.pdf https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jim_Bridger https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fort_Bridger https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Salt_Lake_City#History https://sites.google.com/a/gufsd.org/edwards-donnerparty/george- donner-life-story https://www.mnn.com/earth-matters/climate-weather/photos/famous- mirages-play-tricks-eyes/desert-mirage https://www.mnn.com/earth-matters/climate-weather/photos/famous- mirages-play-tricks-eyes/desert-mirage