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Cold Open: Ever had to eat a human being? No? Well, than there’s one thing you don’t have in common with some of the character’s from today’s tale. The Donner Party. Just under 90 mid-19th century settlers looking to make new lives for themselves in central California. They left late from Missouri headed West, not taking off until mid-May— if you’ve ever played the old Oregon Trail video game you know that’s a no-no. You pick April - not May! Always April! I know the Donner Party took the California trail, not the Oregon Trail - but May’s still too late! I had to play a free online game of the old Oregon Trail because of this episode. Still pretty fun. It holds up. Lynze got lost, Penny got sick, Monroe died - sorry Monroe - but the rest of us made it West. Why? Because we left in April! It greatly reduced our odds of getting stuck in a mountain snow storm and having to eat each other to survive. After leaving a full month late, the Donner Party lost another full month heading West on the California Trail taking a new route across the Great Salt Lake Desert called Hasting’s Cutoff, which was supposed to shave a few hundred miles off their journey. And it did shave off some miles. It also added about a month because of treacherous conditions, no wagon road at all in places, and a terribly long stretch of waterless salt flats of Northern Utah that nearly killed all of their supply animals. And then, after all that, things got real ugly. The Donner Party made it to the last big mountain range of the trip, the Sierra Nevadas, a few weeks too late and they got stuck in one of the heaviest Winter snow falls in the mountain range’s recorded history. Blizzard after blizzard hit the settlers and after being snowed in at a rickety, quickly built camp of shitty cabins and shittier tents, their rations long depleted, the travelers made a few desperate escape attempts that failed miserably. And then some of them made the more desperate decision to eat their dead. And a few even made the even more desperate decision to kill fellow party members in order to eat the them. Life was hard in the mid-19th century, the journey West especially hard, and it was hardest on the Donner Party - more so then on any other group of pioneers who helped settle what is now the American west of the Continental Divide. And we dig deep on this “Go West Young Man But Don’t Eat Anyone”, cannibalistic chapter of Timesuck. PAUSE TIMESUCK INTRO I. Welcome A. Happy Monday! Happy Monday Timesuckers! Happy 4th of July if you’re listening on the 4th! Kind of patriotic episode. Americans doing what they needed to do to make it West and expand our nation. Work can wait - time for Timesuck. Time for brain candy. Time for self-improvement without straining your noodle, while being entertained. (Russel Crowe in Gladiator) “Are you not entertained!?!” So relax. Calm the fuck down! And, enjoy yourself. I’m Dan Cummins aka the Mother Sucker, the Master Sucker, Master Dan the man Cummins the 4th, Prophet of Nimrod, and Bojangles long lost 5th testicle, and lots of other shit you weird, wonderful meat sacks send in. And, you, are listening to Timesuck. Welcome to the Cult of the Curious! Hail Nimrod! Hail slash Begone slash man I think you’re very sexy Lucifina! B. Pre-roll: Timesuck is brought to you today by Chikatilo’s Wrasslin Academy! Chikatilo’s Wrasslin’ Academy - making Soft Men Hard! At Chikatilo’s Wrasslin’ Academy, students of all ages, but mostly students younger than 18, are instructed in all manner of Chikatilo pelvic thrust-based wrasslin’ techniques! And through Timesuck, you can now purchase a limited edition Chikatilo Wrasslin’ Academy summer camp kit. Only 500 have been made and when they’re gone, they are gone! It’s finally here! The most ridiculous and awesome Timesuck gear ever created by Danger Brain. Each kit contains a grey Chikatilo Wrasslin’ Academy shirt made out of 250% flaccid penis skin. From what animal you ponder? My fabric contact won’t tell me. It may be more illegal than ever this time. But it’s so soft yo won’t even care what it came from! You’ll be too happy wearing probably some kind of mammal - definitely some flaccid penis skin. Also, you get a black, drawstring Making Soft Men Hard camp backpack. We’ve taken it that far. And then farther! You also get a black and white always limp camp water bottle. It’s the limpest water bottle on the market. I’ve never seen one that looks like it does. What is big deal!?! Finally - you get an official Chikatilo Summer Camp wrist band. Why a wrist band? Because you don’t want to hurt yourself jerking so much soft shame cock! Use for safety and easy clean up. This is a limited offer super fucked up product that part of me can’t believe has actually been made. Only $45 for all of that. Link to the store at Timesuck podcast dot com in the episode description. C. Amerigas Pre Roll! Okay. While the Wrasslin summer pack is real, Timesuck is not actually brought to you by Chikatilo’s Wrasslin’ Academy. Timesuck IS brought to you today by Amerigas! M-80s! Bottle Rockets! Giant fireworks you’d see at a professional 4th of July event that are probably not legal for home use! Not Sparklers! These are what I think of when I think of Amerigas. Grass fed ground beef! Golden Retrievers! Diesel Engines! Not tofu. Not electric bicycles. These remind me of Amerigas. America in gaseous form. Get your grill on this summer with AmeriGas Propane Exchange, and do it on the new, free, American-made WEBER grill you’ve won thanks to Timesuck. You don’t have much time! Register to win this grill at MyTimeSuckGrill.com before the 4th of July or go fuck yourself and move to China! You heard me. Either way a flag, do some grilling, or shove it in your ass, and burn your social security number you communist fuck. That was way too aggressive. Begone Lucifina! But seriously, go to MyTimeSuckGrill.com before the 4th of July enter your name and email address, and pray to Nimrod you win! And pick up some Amerigas right now for the grill you already own. You pick up propane tanks at your local Home Depot, Dollar General Store, I saw one at a truck stop just West of Missoula on my way to Yellowstone this past week. Get it at so many stores nationwide. The winner will be announced on Friday, July 6th! Link in episode description. D. Reviews and Ratings: Thanks as always for the reviews and ratings. Continually spreading the suck! I’m blessed. Thanks for helping to build this community. Every solid rating and review you leave helps us so much. E. Tour dates: The Flat Earth Tour coming to Orlando next week! I’ll be at the Improv, July 12-14th - the Orlando Improv. I believe there are a few tickets left to the live podcast on the 15th with Tom and Dan from A Mediocre Time. And then I head down to SoCal! Comedy Store in La Jolla, California July 20-22nd. Another great club. Great, old-school, no fucking around, this is how standup should be seen club. Dayton, Ohio Funnybone July 27-28th. In August, I’ll be at Side Splitters in Tampa the 2nd - 5th, the Palm Beach Improv the 10th 0 12th, Zanies in Chicago right across the street from Second City the 15th-18th, and then at the Denver Comedy Works the 23rd -25th, where I will be doing another live Timesuck on Sunday the 26th. More tour dates and some more live podcasts coming up. Portland, Oregon Denver, Colorado, Tacoma, Washington, Tampa and Palm Beach, Florida, Hollywood and Huntington Beach, California So much more at www.dancummins.tv. Now let’s go 19th century. Let’s get cannibalistic. Let’s suck on the poor Donner Party who were already sucked on way too hard. Thank you Space Lizards for voting in this fascinating topic! Hail Nimrod! PAUSE TIMESUCK INTERLUDE II. Intro - Life in America in the mid-19th century: In the mid-nineteenth century, life in America was better than it had ever been before for the average American, unless you were a slave, but, absolutely terrible compared to now. If you were a slave, it was, you know, as terrible as ever. I’m sure that goes without saying but I feel compelled to acknowledge that. In 1842, Massachusetts became the first state to pass laws limiting how many hours a child laborer could be forced to work. The new laws limited a child under the age of twelve's workday to a maximum of 10 hours. Haha! Good news little Billy! You ONLY have to work ten hours a day now. No more double-shifts in the coal mine for you lil’ buddy! That’s incredible to me. And this limit was ONLY legalized in Massachusetts. New Jersey? “Back to work lil’ Billy! Lazy, little brat has tears in his eyes after only working 14 hours in a slaughterhouse today! God kids are getting soft nowadays. Fucking kids, man! When I was eight I worked 27 hours a day, nine days a week, and I never cried once.
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