Read Ebook {PDF EPUB} A Christian Journey A Continuation of Long Road to Love by Darlene Bogle Rising Up Whole. I've risen up and out of the ex- movement and have shaken off one lie at a time while embracing my innate wholeness and truth. Wednesday, June 27, 2007. Apology Accepted. As former leaders of ex-gay ministries, we apologize to those individuals and families who believed our message that there is something inherently wrong with being gay, lesbian, bisexual, or . Some who heard our message were compelled to try to change an integral part of themselves, bringing harm to themselves and their families. Although we acted in good faith, we have since witnessed the isolation, shame, fear, and loss of faith that this message creates. We apologize for our part in the message of broken truth we spoke on behalf of Exodus and other organizations. We call on other former ex-gay leaders to join the healing and reconciliation process by adding their names to this apology. We encourage current leaders of ex-gay programs to have the courage to evaluate the fruit of their programs. We ask them to consider the long- term effects of their ministry. — Darlene Bogle — Michael Bussee — Jeremy Marks. Today I witnessed and accepted this unprecedented apology from three former ex-gay leaders. Darlene Bogle was the founder and director of Paraklete Ministries, an Exodus referral in Hayward . She was also the assisting pastor of the Foursquare church where the ministry was based. As an Exodus leader, she traveled the country, speaking and appearing on many national television shows. Michael Bussee was one of the originators of the ex-gay movement. In the mid-1970s, he co-founded the Ex-gay Intervention Team (EXIT) and later hosted an unprecedented conference of ex-gay ministries at which a handful of ministry leaders, along with approximately 60 delegates, voted to form a loose coalition called EXODUS. Jeremy Marks is a British evangelical Christian who founded an ex-gay ministry called Courage UK in 1988. He eventually became the President of Exodus International Europe and served on the board of Exodus International. All three of them are now living out and proud, and all have concluded that while they always had the best interests of those who struggled with unwanted homosexuality at heart, they have never personally witnessed anyone change their orientation. Jeremy Marks took steps to transform his change ministry into one of support and love for GLBT Christians. Today they made history by gathering in Los Angeles at the GLBT center for a press conference where they issued the above statement after telling their stories. It’s the first time that former leaders have publicly come together to apologize for their part in the ex-gay movement. Peterson, Eric, Dan Gonzales and I received and accepted the apology on behalf of former ex-gays who feel that their ex-gay experiences caused more harm then good. As we stood next to the former leaders, we witnessed them each sign the apology. They turned and presented it to our group, and we accepted the letter. What I didn’t count on was the emotion I felt when I reached out to accept the letter. Sometimes these kind of symbolic gestures can feel staged, but it made an emotional impact on me and I felt myself tearing up as we shook hands and hugged Darlene, Michael and Jeremy. It was moving and healing to hear an apology for the harm and damaging messages that I received. I hope the healing will continue as other former ex-gays read this apology. My hope is also that other former ex-gay leaders will start to step forward as well. Thank you, Darlene, Michael, and Jeremy. Sign Up for The Ex-Gay Survivor’s Conference. Time is running short to register for The Ex-Gay Survivor’s Conference to be held June 29-July 1, 2007, in Irvine, California. Why hold a conference of former ex-gays? As the conference web site states: Creating a communal space for ex-gay survivors to tell their stories allows us to share what led us into an ex-gay lifestyle and ways we have been able to recover from it. Workshop facilitators and speakers include: Christine Bakke, ex-gay survivor and co-founder of Beyond Ex-Gay Darlene Bogle, former Exodus leader and author of A Christian Lesbian Journey: A Continuation of Long Road to Love Jim Burroway, founder of Box Turtle Bulletin Jason Cianciotto, research director for the National Gay and Lesbian Task Force Musicians Jason & deMarco Rev. Phil Lawson, United Methodist minister and veteran of the 1960’s civil rights movement Jeff Lutes, MS, LPC, executive director of Soulforce and licensed psychotherapist , Ph.D., ex-gay survivor, Doctor of Education in Sexology and musician who focuses on healthy sexuality and recovery from ex-gay experiences , ex-gay survivor and performance artist Rev. Nancy Wilson, moderator of Metropolitan Community Churches. Building Healthy Relationships after an Ex-Gay Experience Telling Our Stories Creatively: Writing, Blogging, Video, etc. What the Bible Says & Doesn’t Say About Homosexuality Courting Justice: Ex-Gays and the Law Mental Health Professionals Round Table: Best Practices from the Ex- gay Survivor’s Conference Impacting the Media: Successful Strategies for Sharing Your Story with Confidence. There will be a film forum hosted by directors, including: (Luane Beck & Kim Clark) (Lisa Darden) (Morgan Jon Fox) (Tom Murray) Me and God (Esteban Rael) I will be attending the conference as an audience member and supporter. I am eager to meet many former ex-gays, their families and friends, and the readers of XGW. We can look forward to a weekend of personal journeys of struggle and personal and spiritual renewal. For more information and to register, visit Beyond Ex-Gay. Addendum: Related Media Coverage. Ex-gay or just exploited? By Marla Jo Fisher, Orange County Register, June 17, 2007. Mike Airhart was the founding editor of Ex-Gay Watch, until he left in 2007. He has returned as a contributing writer. He has written periodically for Truth Wins Out, and volunteered for Men Can Stop Rape, Whitman-Walker Clinic, WaterFire Providence, and the Providence Equality Action Committee. His background includes expertise in journalism, business news, content syndication, human rights, sexual harassment issues, and liberation theology. Musings from Darlene. I've been thinking a lot in recent weeks of how I want to be remembered when I am no longer physically upon this earth. No, I don't plan on catching that train anytime soon, but someday it will be my turn ! I have long since abandoned my own obituary: Here lies a poet, Who couldn't spell. She got saved, escaping hell She lived, and loved, And had a ball; What killed her was trying to write it all! Having written several obituaries for others has given me the opportunity to consider not only what will be said about me, but who will remember what was said, and more importantly, how did I impact the lives of others? Was it as I intended. (not always the same thing as reality) And what of my self imposed tasks to accomplish? I am working on two books that are very important to complete and get published. God has gifted me with writing skills, and an awesome editor who journies with me through these projects. I feel an urgency to complete them. I have several trips in my future, to spend time with Becky and enjoy the USA, I might even have another book or two simmering in my heart. Those are all things that I DO. I'm learning to be a human being, not a human doing. I had lunch with a very special niece today and we talked for hours. She lost a sister through a tragedy 3 years ago. I asked how she was handling it, this far out! She said she was still angry. (This was a drug situation) She doesn't talk much because she has trust issues. She asked how I was dealing with my sisters recent death. I explained, for me talking to trusted and "safe" people, really helps. Thank You to my Church resources and friends. My niece has plenty of reason NOT to trust people, but I won't tell her story. This is mine. She said "Aunt Darlene, God has blessed you and given you a heart of compassion for others. You can be relied on to do what you say you will. You are kind and affect lots of lives. You stand up when you need too, and pray for everyone. That's how people will remember you" Wow. It's not my sermons. not my books. none of that is more important than love, and love makes a difference. My bucket list? To be a lover. When I was sixteen, I wrote a poem which I will share here. Yes. I still remember it. WHAT DO I WANT OUT OF LIFE, SAID I? I MUST DECIDE BEFORE I DIE. DO I WANT MONEY? FAME? TO BE WIDELY KNOWN OR TO BE REMEMBERED FOR THE LOVE I HAVE SHOWN? I WANT ONLY A FEW TO REMEMBER MY NAME, I DON'T WANT WEALTH, FORTUNE OR FAME I WANT TO BRING HAPPINESS TO SOMEONE EACH DAY MAYBE BY A SMILE, OR IN SOME OTHER WAY I WANT OUT OF LIFE, JUST WHAT I PUT IN; I DON'T WANT REWARDS GIVEN BY MEN MY REWARD IS THE FEELING INSIDE MY HEART; TO MAKE OTHERS HAPPY, IS JUST DOING MY PART IT WAS PUBLISHED IN THE NATIONAL POETRY BOOK FOR HIGH SCHOOL SENIORS. SO, I GUESS MY FEELING AT THIS AGE IS PRETTY MUCH THE SAME AS IT WAS BACK IN 1962. Except the money thing would be nice. LOL! So, I invest in people, and if I never travel to far off lands. I can watch other's video's. I'm still in process. Wait, is that a train I hear? In deep affection to anyone who reads this musing, or rambling! Darlene. Ex-Ex-Gay Pride. On a Tuesday evening nearly 14 years ago, John Paulk walked into a gay bar in Washington, D.C. At another time in his life, Paulk would have fit right in. But in 2000, Paulk's life as an openly gay man was far behind him. He was then one of the most prominent so-called ex-gays in the country, only two years removed from appearing on the cover of Newsweek , posing with his smiling wife for an article about gay . At 37, Paulk had spent the prior 13 years involved with Exodus International, one of the largest and most influential ex-gay organizations in the world. He married another ex-gay, Anne, and together they rose through the ranks, becoming leaders and eventually the faces of a movement that attracted thousands with its message that, if they tried hard enough, gay and lesbian people could become happy heterosexuals. "Change is possible" was their rallying cry. You just needed to surrender yourself to God. Look at us, they said to rooms of thousands. Look how happy we are. "We were all over the world. We had been on every show, People m agazine, GQ, Time, Newsweek , every newspaper. We wrote three books, toured Europe speaking," Paulk tells Newsweek . Today, Paulk is openly gay again, divorced and running a catering business in Portland, Oregon. But in the late 1990s and early 2000s, he was trying hard to keep the closet door closed, while preaching a message of ex-gay deliverance from within it. Exodus International was bigger than ever. It served as the umbrella organization for hundreds of ex-gay ministries spread across several countries, some of which performed "reparative" therapy, and all of which preached a message of "healing" the "developmental condition" of gayness through prayer. Far-right groups including the Family Research Council and the American Family Association pooled $600,000 to place ads promising the effectiveness of reparative therapy in The New York Times, USA Today, The Washington Post, The Wall Street Journal, the Los Angeles Times , and the Chicago Tribune . Anne and John Paulk smiled from full-page newspaper spreads. In front of the crowds and cameras, Paulk was the image of certainty. But backstage, he was faltering. More than that, he knew he was lying. "It's funny, for those of us that worked in it, behind closed doors, we knew we hadn't really changed," he says. "Our situations had changed—we had gotten married, and some of us had children, so our roles had changed. I was a husband and father; that was my identity. And the homosexuality had been tamped down. But you can only push it down for so long, and it would eke its way out every so often." When Paulk walked into that gay bar in 2000, someone recognized him and phoned Wayne Besen, a gay rights activist who now runs the nonprofit Truth Wins Out. Besen rushed over and snapped a picture. In the ensuing scandal, Paulk initially claimed he just went in to use the bathroom, and didn't know it was a gay bar. But really, he was aching just to be in a welcoming environment. "I went to a gay bar—not looking for sex, which is what people thought—but because I was missing my community. I was looking to sit in a place with people I felt comfortable with, and that was other gay people," Paulk says. Though he continued to take speaking engagements, by 2003, he was burned out. "I would be in hotel rooms, and I would be on my face sobbing and crying on the bed," he says. "I felt like a liar and a hypocrite. Having to go out and give hope to these people. I was in despair knowing that what I was telling them was not entirely honest. I couldn't do it anymore." Even in its earliest days, Exodus's philosophy—that same-sex attraction meant a person was "broken" and could be "fixed"—was undermined by the reality of its members' actions. Michael Bussee and Gary Cooper, two of the co-founders, left the movement in 1979 to be in a committed relationship with one another. (Bussee has spent the decades since actively fighting Exodus's message.) John Evans, one of the founders of Love in Action (LIA), an early ex-gay ministry that helped establish Exodus in 1974, left LIA after a friend committed suicide over his distress at being unable to change his . "They're destroying people's lives," Evans told The Wall Street Journal in 1993. "They're living in a fantasy world." (LIA has since changed its name to Restoration Path.) But there was a time, from the early 1980s all the way through the mid-2000s, when the ex-gay movement appeared to be flourishing. There were the aforementioned newspaper ads, and the big crowds at conferences and speaking events. The Exodus Global Alliance (the organization's international outreach arm) established ministries in 18 countries, and in 2006, President George W. Bush invited Alan Chambers, Exodus's president, and Randy Thomas, Exodus's director of membership, to the White House to lobby for Bush's constitutional ban on gay marriage. The rightward shift of American conservatism and debate over gay marriage brought fringe organizations like , which was closely connected to Exodus, into the news spotlight again and again. But all the far-right funding and rapid expansion did little more than prop up a withering institution. A series of scandals chipped away at the ex-gay movement's veneer of success. First came the photo of Paulk in the gay bar. Then in 2003, Michael Johnston, founder of "National Coming Out of Homosexuality Day," was found to have infected men he'd met online with HIV through unprotected sex. John Smid, who joined LIA in 1986 and eventually became its executive director, left the organization in 2008. Three years later, Smid wrote on his blog that he "never met a man who experienced a change from homosexual to heterosexual," and that reorientation is impossible, because being gay is intrinsic. Then it crumbled further. In 2012, psychologist Robert Spitzer—one of the leaders of the successful push in the 1970s for the American Psychiatric Association to declassify homosexuality as a disease—retracted a controversial study, published in 2003, often cited by the ex-gay community that had concluded some "highly motivated" individuals could change their sexual orientation. Spitzer wrote an apology to LGBT people who "wasted time and energy" on reparative therapy. By that time, policy within Exodus began to genuinely shift. "We renounced and forbid reparative therapy," in 2012, Chambers tells Newsweek . "And there was an enormous split inside Exodus. Many who were more fundamentalist in approach had already broken off and formed Restored Hope Network." Anne Paulk, John's ex-wife, was one of those who left. She currently serves as executive director of Restored Hope, whose website harkens back to the early days of Exodus, claiming that those with same-sex attraction are "broken" and can "become who they are" under the guidance of Jesus Christ. Despite the fact that Restored Hope's board is composed almost entirely of ex-Exodus members, the website makes no mention of the older organization. Anne Paulk did not respond to Newsweek 's questions on the subject, although she did email Newsweek a statement in which she declared "We, at Restored Hope, are happy to continue to care for those who are seeking help in aligning their life with classical Christian sexual ethics. Although some choose to return to homosexuality, others who have chosen to leave that same life and thrive. My life would be one example of the latter." The members of Exodus International who were on board with Chambers's decision to renounce conversion therapy remained until June 2013, when he shut down operations for good. According to Chambers, once he realized there would be no way to separate Exodus from its "sordid history," the only option was to shut the doors. On disbanding, Chambers issued a deeply apologetic press release, stating, "I am sorry for the pain and hurt many of you have experienced. I am sorry that some of you spent years working through the shame and guilt you felt when your attractions didn't change. I am sorry we promoted sexual orientation change efforts and reparative theories about sexual orientation that stigmatized parents." Today, Chambers says that Exodus's focus on conversion therapy was unplanned and spun out of control. "I never liked the term ex-gay," he says. "I never wanted to be an ex-gay. I just simply wanted Exodus to be an organization that helped people live in congruence with their own lives and goals." Other organizations, however, have filled the void left in Exodus's wake. The Restored Hope Network has taken up the mantle of conservative Christian conversion. And in October 2013, a newly formed group, Voice of the Voiceless, hosted its "First Annual Ex-Gay Awareness Dinner and Reception" that attracted about 60 Christian leaders and ex-gay individuals. Then there is Jews Offering New Alternatives for Healing (JONAH), formerly Jews Offering New Alternatives to Homosexuality, a nonprofit created in 1999 by two New Jersey parents who each had a gay son. In November 2012, the Southern Poverty Law Center (SPLC) sued JONAH and one of its counselors on behalf of four men who underwent conversion therapy in the late 2000s. The lawsuit alleged that JONAH violated New Jersey's Consumer Fraud Act and used invalid practices to try to "fix something that isn't broken." JONAH told Newsweek in an email that it "doesn't 'fix' anything." According to co-directors Elaine Berk and Arthur Goldberg, JONAH "refers individuals to independent counselors who employ frequently used techniques to help a person deal with painful issues in their life. These techniques are designed to help people feel better about themselves and to live a life consistent with their religious and personal values. The result is often a diminution of their unwanted same-sex attraction." The Superior Court of New Jersey rejected JONAH's motion to dismiss in the summer of 2013; Sam Wolfe, SPLC senior staff attorney, expects the case to go to trial in early 2014. Wolfe also notes that since the lawsuit got under way, a number of other individuals have approached SPLC with potential cases of their own. In the meanwhile, criticism directed towards JONAH has come from within the religious community, as well; when the lawsuit was filed, the Rabbinical Council of America (one of the most influential Orthodox Jewish organizations in the country) immediately distanced itself from JONAH, reaffirming that, based on the current scientific evidence, they did not endorse gay conversion therapy. (On the other hand, the Torah Declaration, a statement of support, has been signed by many prominent members of the Jewish religious right.) Lastly, there's the National Association for Research & Therapy of Homosexuality (NARTH), founded in 1992 by psychologist Joseph Nicolosi. NARTH considers itself the foremost secular proponent of conversion therapy; it counts hundreds of well-credentialed mental health professionals among its ranks and has issued a number of white papers on the subject. It too, however, has suffered in the public eye in recent years: In 2007, NARTH therapist Chris Austin was convicted of sexually assaulting a client, and sentenced to 10 years in prison; in 2010, NARTH board member George Rekers was found to have employed a male prostitute as a companion for a two-week European vacation; and in 2012 the Internal Revenue Service revoked NARTH's nonprofit status for not properly filing its paperwork. Paulk left Exodus in 2003. He cautions against "speaking for everybody," but says in his more than two decades of watching people undergo ex- gay therapy, the "large majority" of people he met "did not change one iota." Paulk remained silent for a decade, until he issued a formal apology last year. "I know that countless people were harmed by things I said and did in the past, " Paulk wrote in a statement. "I am truly, truly sorry for the pain I have caused." Today, Paulk strongly believes that no child or teen should be put through any type of "treatment" for their sexual orientation. On the other hand, he says adults should have the right to pursue any therapy they choose. "If I go see a therapist because I am uncomfortable with homosexual feelings or attractions and I do not feel that those are compatible with who I see myself to be, [I] should have the right to determine the course of [my] therapy," Paulk says. "However, I completely draw the line when it comes to minors." The tragedy that Paulk lives with to this day is that organizations like JONAH often specifically target minors, with summer camps and teen programs. "For 25 years I felt guilty and filled with self-loathing, trying to reject this part about myself. I'm culpable—I spread the message that my sexuality had changed, and I used my marriage as proof of that," Paulk says. That marriage ended recently. Anne and John now share joint custody of their three teenage sons. At 51, Paulk is living as an openly gay man for the first time since he entered the ex-gay ministry at the age of 24. Paulk said despite the fact that his decision to live a life true to himself was difficult and was accompanied by significant risk (not the least of which was breaking up his family), it was well worth it. During his 10-year silence, Paulk went to culinary school and opened a catering company in Portland. He says he is now "thriving." Paulk's story echoes those of many others whose lives were damaged by the shame, guilt, and self-loathing that marked their involvement with ex- gay therapy, and who overcame their past to eventually live life as their LGBT selves. In 2007, the website Beyond Ex-Gay was founded by Peterson Toscano and Christine Bakke, who both were part of Exodus. The site collects first-person narratives from "ex-ex-gays." Among them is Darlene Bogle, who was a leader in Exodus until 1990, when she fell in love with a woman who attended one of her ex-gay meetings. "There were a lot of people in leadership positions [in Exodus] who still felt that they were gay but could not admit it," Bogle tells Newsweek . "We learned to lie." Like many, Bogle wanted so badly to change her orientation that she convinced herself that if she just kept saying she was ex-gay, and didn't actually have any sexual relationships with women, then she actually was ex-gay. "But the things you do do not change who you are," she says. "Even if I was not sexual at all, I would still be a lesbian. I just wish more people had a grasp of that truth." Bogle, too, regrets the role she played with Exodus. "In just trying to help, I did immeasurable harm," she says. "It's like when children are molested, and they live with that for their entire lives. They're still being harmed, even though it happened years ago. I think it's a lot like what happens when people are involved in ex-gay ministry." Bogle and Paulk's beliefs are held widely by both public health officials and lawmakers. Today, state-level legislators across the country are beginning to push forward rules meant to protect minors from this potential damage. Both California and New Jersey have officially banned gay conversion therapy for minors. In Washington, a bill has already passed in the House by a 94–4 vote and awaits approval by the state Senate. A similar bill was introduced earlier this year in both houses of the New York state legislature, where it still awaits a vote. And lawmakers have announced they will be pushing anti-conversion-therapy laws in Florida, Massachusetts, Minnesota, Ohio and Pennsylvania. On an individual level, many ex-ex-gays are trying to repair the damage they believe they caused while complicit in ex-gay messaging. Bogle, for her part, has written two books about how being gay and being a Christian are not mutually exclusive. "I'm trying to go back, to try to bring healing to those who believed my lie," she says. "It'll take the rest of my life. I'll be 70 this year. I just hope God lets me live long enough to let me do it." Paulk, meanwhile, hopes his story encourages others to overcome their own fears and uncertainties. "It's difficult, but worth it at the end of the day because of the peace that comes with it. It's happy on the other side." Correction: An earlier version of this story incorrectly spelled Michael Johnston's name. Rising Up Whole. I've risen up and out of the ex-gay movement and have shaken off one lie at a time while embracing my innate wholeness and truth. Thursday, August 07, 2008. Twisted love. A week or so ago over at Beyond Ex-Gay (bXg) we received a feedback comment on our website from Anthony Falzarano (an ex-gay leader and the founder of the anti-gay PFOX organization, shown in a PFOX ad at right) addressed to Darlene Bogle. I forwarded the letter to Darlene. Yesterday I received this email from Darlene (shared with permission). You can read her story at Beyond Ex-Gay in which she writes about her journey out of Exodus. Part of her story is that her partner of twelve years, Des, passed away from breast cancer in 2005. Dear Christine! Thank you for sending the feedback email from Anthony Fazarano addressed to me at the bXg website! I was appalled when I read his words, which on the surface seem so compassionate. It was such a strong reminder of why I left Exodus and could never consider going back under their "umbrella of faith." How arrogant of Anthony to send such a condemning statement as to ask if God was sending me a message! God sends me messages all the time to remind me of His love and acceptance of me as a lesbian daughter! He has brought a wonderful Christian woman into my life immediately after losing Des. We walk together in faith and love and serve those in our community as a blessed lesbian couple. To say I am loved and missed (but not accepted) sounds great until he adds the j udgmental statement that suggests that Des got breast cancer and was taken away as some sort of punishment for our lesbianism! Apparently he feels that if you follow God, nothing bad will ever happen to you. Des and I had 12 years together and she was a special gift of God to me. I stood at her bedside the night she entered heaven, and saw her sweet smile as she met her Lord face to face. Would God give us 12 years together, then take her to heaven as a judgment? No, but through the life she lived, and that we shared, I came to know His love in deeper ways, and to be a more caring, compassionate and kind human being. I wouldn't change it for any experience. Serving God does not insulate you from death. I think we are all going to keep that appointment that was established by God before we were ever born. (Psalm 139) Anthony says he believes I belong to the Lord. I know that I am God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus unto good works! If Anthony believed that I was really the Lord's..he would not be trying to heap guilt and shame on me for the loving relationship I shared with Des, and continue to share with Becky. Then he pulls scripture out of context. Revelation Chapter 3 and Hebrews 12 talks about God chastising those whom He loves, and haven't we pulled this out to beat people into obedience of not the Scripture, but of what we want them to do to be acceptable? What a crock. Anthony believes God is calling me back? To what? The judgmental teachings of Exodus that say you have to change your orientation to be acceptable to God. Long ago I committed myself to acknowledge God in all my ways and allow Him to direct my path. How can I go where God isn't? To then offer a listening ear if I want to talk? That is the major malfunction of Exodus leaders. How can they listen when their mind is made up? Thank you Christine for being one of the survivors who showed me the harm that is done by just this type of thinking! I thank God for you because I see your face and pray to God that I will never be guilty of such rejection of a human soul again! I realized when I met you and Peterson, that I had been so busy talking---my mind was already made up and I had no room to listen with my heart! I would be happy to have Anthony's email be revealed for what it is, and my response published for the world to read. Anthony and Exodus have had over 15 years to tell me of their loving acceptance, and have not done so. I will not be responding to Anthony directly, but thanks for sending it on to me.