PROJECT SUBMISSION PACK
FILM: A Guide to Second Date Sex
DATE: August 2017
1. Submission Form p2-3
2. Information Pack p4-8
3. Sales Estimates p9
4. Script Report p10-11
5. Script p12-116
F I L M S U B M I S S I O N F O R M ! PROJECT A GUIDE TO SECOND DATE DATE: 29/06/2017 TITLE: SEX
APPLICANT DETAILS APPLICANT CONTACT DETAILS NAME: ADAM ROLSTON ADDRESS: APT 26 ROTHSCHILD HOUSE, 8 KEW BRIDGE ROAD, LONDON, POSITION: EXECUTIVE PRODUCER TW8 0HR COMPANY SHOOTING SCRIPT FILMS TEL: 07734380818 EMAIL: [email protected]
PROJECT DETAILS PRODUCER/S Adam Rolston (A Street Cat BUDGET: £1.1m and CREDITS Named Bob), Paul Raphael (Anita & Me) PRODUCTION Starfield Productions (UK) COMPANIES & Shooting Script Films (UK) WRITER: Rachel hirons NATIONALITY: GENRE: Romantic Comedy
NAME CREDITS (1 or 2) Approached Confirmed DIRECTOR Rachel Hirons Powder Room x CAST 1 Alexandra Roach The Iron Lady/ One Chance x CAST 2 George Mckay Captain Fantastic x CAST 3
CAST 4
SHOOTING SCHEDULE – Prep, Principal, Post, delivery SHORT SYNOPSIS / LOGLINE prep - Q3 2017 Six outfits, one hour of make-up, one push-up bra and principal - Q4 2017 eight cigs. She's ready. Six press ups, twenty minutes Post & Delivery - Q1/2 2017 cleaning, three beers and a pube trim. He's ready. Hear their thoughts and feel their pain as you witness the rawest most hilarious portrayal of male and female attitudes, anxieties and agonisingly familiar sex tricks as Ryan and Laura meet for their second date. A true story based on your sex life. Whether male, female, single, married or divorced, here is everything you need to know... and loads you don't. A Guide to Second Date Sex was first performed at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival and later transferred to the Soho Theatre in March 2013
FINANCE DETAILS
FINANCIER NATURE OF INVESTMENT AMOUNT £ % BUDGET Proposed Approached Confirmed Film Constellation Sales Agent MG 15% £150000 X
F I L M S U B M I S S I O N F O R M ! UK Tax Credit Cashflow 20% £220,000 X
Creative Media Equity £330,000 30% Finance X
% Premiere Stakeholder Corridor 1st Collection Agent TBC Proposed recoupment 2nd Sales Agent commissions, BOND Film Finances schedule expenses and MG for all financiers: 3rd Equity & Premiums AUDITOR NLP 4th Any deferments 5th Profit Share
SALES INFORMATION SALES AGENT: Film Constellation SALES ESTIMATES CONTACT: Fabien Westerhoff LOW: $1,370,000 TEL: MEDIUM: $2,175,000 EMAIL: [email protected] HIGH: $3,485,000
TERRITORY DISTRIBUTOR MG RIGHTS TBC
COPRODUCTIONS COUNTRY % SPEND DETAILS N/A
F E B 2 0 1 7 A GUIDE TO SECOND DATE SEX
S Y N O P S I S LAURA
Today was Laura’s wedding day... ‘was’, because it stopped being so six months ago when her fiancé professed to a last minute 'change of sexual orientation’… his term for what was actually a lifelong sexual preference of which seemingly everyone was aware except Laura. Funny thing, hindsight.
RYAN
Having walked in on his girlfriend and best friend together, Ryan was left heartbroken, betrayed and facing years of unanswered calls, a stream of ignored texts, habitual Facebook stalking and three failed attempts to talk to women he finds attractive. Throw in some habitual masturbation to rose-tinted memories of that time she went down on him in a cinema toilet, and you have a pretty accurate understanding of what Ryan’s life has since become.
THE FIRST DATE
Last week, Laura met Ryan in a bar and, due to their immediate commonalities (both drunk, both in a bar) the pair shared an impromptu, Tia Maria fuelled night that lasted longer than either could have predicted. Somehow, Ryan's attempts at jokes worked that night and actually made her laugh. Likewise, Laura’s drunken inability to walk in her heels / a straight line / ultimately at all, proved quite... charming. In fact, so unprecedentedly enjoyable did this date transpire to be, they ended the night exchanging numbers, shaking hands and declaring they would DEFINITELY meet again. Because that’s what drunk people do. F E B 2 0 1 7
THE SECOND DATE
And that’s how we got here: 7pm on Friday night, Laura squeezing herself into too-small jeans and a push- up bra that worked a treat when she was 17 while resolutely deciding against shaving her bush in order to appear ‘mysteriously aloof’ to a man whose face she can’t quite remember. At the same time, Ryan, following the ‘fool-proof’ wisdom of his womanising brother Dan, is using a shower-head to wash parts of himself no man has washed before, arranging novels that he studied for English GCSE on his bedside table (to appear ‘intellectual') and strategically positioning dumbells he has never lifted in the middle of his room.
Tonight is their one chance to impress. And the stakes are too high to disappoint. Tonight, Laura and Ryan are determined to be their best selves, by being anyone but themselves... Tonight is the make or break second date.
But this is not merely any couple on any second date: their palpable insecurities, familiar subtext-heavy conversations, countless high-stakes scenarios, missed connections and misjudged behaviours conflate to make this date one we all recognise from our own early experiences of any romantic relationship.
Played out in real time and within the confines of his house, Ryan and Laura put into motion the advice of countless guides, gurus, how to’s, buzz feed articles, conservative parents and promiscuous friends which conflate to make this date a propulsive, exciting and relatable ride that smashes through stereotypical ‘on- screen-fire-works sex’ and convenient, inevitable relationships, to depict an altogether more authentic, poignant and thoroughly modern comedy. Just when it seems our misguided couple have surmounted the trials and tribulations we are all familiar with, the shock appearance of Ryan’s ex-girlfriend – who happens to be a close work colleague of Laura – exposes the couple’s facades and fabrications. Only when forced to face the pathetic, sordid elements of their past and present are Ryan and Laura finally able to find the courage and freedom to be themselves, for better or for worse. F E B 2 0 1 7
A GUIDE TO SECOND DATE SEX
M E E T T H E C A S T
GEORGE MACKAY AS RYAN
ALEXANDRA ROACH AS LAURA GEORGE MACKAY
George MacKay is considered one of the UKs most exciting young acting talents, crafting a career across film, television and theatre.
George's film career began at the age of 10 years old, playing the role of ‘Cury’ in P J Hogan’s Peter Pan. He has since starred in a number of critically acclaimed productions; winning a ‘Best Actor’ Scottish BAFTA for Paul Wright’s For Those in Peril, ‘British Breakthrough' Award at Richard Attenborough Film Awards and nominated for a BAFTA ‘Rising Star’, 'Most Promising British Newcomer' BIFA and 'Young British Performer of The Year' at the Critics Circle Awards. He also received nominations for ‘Young British Performer of the Year’ at the London Critics’ Circle Awards, ‘Best Male Newcomer’ at the Jameson Empire Awards, was selected as one of the ten best European actors for the Berlinale 2014 Shooting Stars and a 2012 Screen International Star of Tomorrow.
George was recently seen in cinemas the Cannes ‘Un Certain Regard’ winner Captain Fantastic, starring alongside Viggo Mortensen, Kathryn Hahn and Steve Zahn. The film received its World Premiere at the 2016 Sundance Film Festival and was recently nominated for ‘Outstanding Performance by a Cast in a Motion Picture’ at this year’s SAG Awards.
In 2016, George shot Marrowbone - Sergio G Sanchez’s directorial debut after writing the acclaimed and award winning screenplay for ‘The Orphanage’ and gaining best original screenplay nominations for ‘The Impossible’ and ‘The End’ at the Goya Awards. George also recently wrapped on Amma Asante’s next film, Where Hands Touch, starring with Abbie Cornish, Amandla Stenberg, and Christopher Eccleston. As well as these productions, last year saw him return to the stage at The Old Vic in Matthew Warchus’ production of Pinter’s The Caretaker, starring alongside Timothy Spall and Daniel Mays.
In 2015 George lit up our screens in original Hulu miniseries 11.22.63, with a cast lead by James Franco, and executive produced by J.J. Abrams. He also led an episode of Sky Arts series Likely Stories; stared in BBC One’s The Outcast; and played the central role in Bypass, the latest film from Duane Hopkins ('Better Things').
The previous year, George had starred in BAFTA nominated Pride. The critically acclaimed film featured an array of British talent that includes Bill Nighy, Dominic West, Imelda Staunton and Paddy Considine to name a few.
Other film credits include Sunshine on Leith, How I Live Now, Private Peaceful (alongside Alexandra Roach and Jack O’Connell), Hunky Dory and Breakfast with Jonny Wilkinson. On TV he has been seen in Best of Men, The Old Curiousity Shop, the BBC's two-time nominated Tsunami: The Aftermath and Johnny and The Bomb. On stage George made his theatre debut in early 2014 in Ian McEwan’s The Cement Garden, as part of the second incarnation of The Vault Festival.
P A G E 2 ALEXANDRA ROACH
A regular on Welsh TV soap Pobol Y Cwm from the age of 11 to 18, Alexandra Roach graduated from RADA in 2010, and immediately found herself in high demand, landing roles in The IT Crowd, Being Human, New Tricks and The Suspicions Of Mr Whicher with Paddy Considine and Peter Capaldi.
It was 2011 that saw gave her big break, when she was cast as the Young Margaret Thatcher in Phyllida Lloyd’s The Iron Lady, with Meryl Streep. Later that year she was named as one of Screen International’s Stars of Tomorrow.
Following from The Iron Lady, Alexandra landed roles in a number more period dramas - Joe Wright’s Anna Karenina, and Private Peaceful, where she played the love interest in a romantic triangle with George MacKay and Jack O’Connell. More recently she returned to the genre in Testament of Youth, staring Alicia Vikander and Kit Harington.
But Alexandra has always loved comedy, and quickly returned to the light side - staring opposite James Cordon in One Chance, the 2013 cinematic biopic of Britain’s Got Talent winner Paul Potts. Alexandra then became a familiar face on our television screens, where she played leading comedic roles in Julia Davis’ hilarious Hunderby, Dennis Kelly’s Utopia, and Paul Abbot’s hit No Offence - where she continues to star.
In 2016 she was on screens in her first major studio blockbuster: Universal’s The Huntsman: Winter’s War.
P A G E 3 Title: A GUIDE TO SECOND DATE SEX Date: 19/01/2016 Cast: George MacKay + Female Cast TBC Director: Rachel Hirons Producers: Paul Raphael Nationality: UK Budget £950K
High Mid Low all Prices US$ $'000 USA 1,000 500 250 Canada 100 75 50
UK/Eire 400 300 200 France 200 120 70 Benelux 60 40 30 Germany / Austria 200 120 70 Switzerland 40 30 20 Italy 80 50 30 Spain 50 30 20 Scandinavia (excl. Finland) 60 40 30 CIS/Baltic States 50 30 20
Japan 100 60 40 Australia/New Zealand/Pacific 150 100 70 Airlines Ships 150 100 70
Greece / Cyprus 30 20 15 Portugal 30 20 15 South Africa 30 20 15 Israel 20 15 10 Turkey 20 15 10 Middle East 50 40 30
Czech/Slovak Republics 20 15 10 Hungary 20 15 10 Poland 30 20 15 Bulgaria 10 5 5 Romania 10 5 5 Former Yugoslavia 20 15 10
South Korea 60 40 30 China 30 25 15 Hong Kong 20 15 10 India Note 1 15 5 - Indonesia 20 15 10 Malaysia / Brunei 20 10 - Philippines Note 1 10 5 - Singapore Note 1 10 5 - Taiwan 20 15 10 Thailand 50 40 25
Pan Latin American Block 300 200 150
Total 3,485 2,175 1,370
These estimates are the property of Film Constellation Ltd. Unauthorized distribution or copying of this document, whether in whole or in part, is strictly forbidden.
Sales projections are only based on our current expectations, and do not constitute in any way an offer or guarantee of future sales.
Note 1 Unlikely sales due to thematic censorship
PROJECT COVERAGE FORM
TITLE: A GUIDE TO SECOND DATE SEX AUTHOR: Rachel Hirons SUB TO: Shelly Bancroft SUB BY: Adam Rolston FORM: Screenplay LENGTH: 104 pages BASED ON: Play LANGUAGE/S: English BUDGET: £1.1m GENRE: Romantic Comedy LOCATION: London, UK PERIOD: Contemporary READER: Simona Marchegiani DATE: 25 July 2017
ELEMENTS: DIRECTOR: Rachel Hirons; CAST CONFIRMED: Alexandra Roach, George Mckay; PRODUCERS: Adam Rolston, Paul Raphael
LOGLINE: A couple meet on a second date, and confused by all the different advice they receive, end up behaving awkwardly and having quick unsatisfying sex. It is only when they are themselves that they rediscover their initial connection.
COMMENT SUMMARY: The script is entertaining and offers an easy read. The main characters have authentic voices and are believable, and somewhat engaging. Many of the elements for a romantic comedy are included here, with a modern spin on sex and character role. Plenty of VO runs throughout, which is often used to convey characters’ internal thoughts while images provide information about the present or past. The structure is non-linear with flashbacks, which deliver information about the main characters’ first meeting/date and also their previous relationships. The plot runs throughout one day, mainly in the evening and in the house, therefore one location. Light humorous details are spread out.
Excellent (4) Good (3) Fair (2) Poor (1) PREMISE X STORYLINE X CHARACTERISATION X DIALOGUE X STRUCTURE X PACE X ORIGINALITY X AUDIENCE APPEAL X TOTAL 6 12
OVERALL SCORE: 18/32 = 56%
CHARACTERS: (list with brief details) RYAN (late 20s) – messy, unsecure and childish he is still not over his ex-girlfriend, Tufts, who left him a few years earlier for his best friend. Ryan struggles with his love life until he meets Laura
LAURA – beautiful but insecure, she follows everyone’s suggestions, especially a Vlogger, on how to date and keep a man. This leads her to ending up in a complete mess and feeling uncomfortable about her date. She split up from her boyfriend after he came out about being gay
DAN (early 30s) – Ryan’s friend and flatmate, he is rude and believes he is an expert on women and sex, even though he is not. Instead he comes across more like a jerk and gives Ryan numerous bad advice
ADAM (early 30s) – Ryan’s flatmate; he is awkward and nobody really knows much about him or even his real name. He is good at sneaking up on people while in the house and seems a romantic type
BETH (aka TUFTS) – Laura’s friend and colleague but also Ryan’s ex girlfriend, who cheated on him with his best friend
BIANCA – Laura’s friend
VAL (late 50s) – Laura’s mum
PREMISE: Two insecure and anxious people, on their second date, start the evening on the wrong foot
SYNOPSIS: (half a page to a page depending on how interesting) RYAN (late 20s) travels through a busy London back to his home. LAURA listens a VLOGGER on YouTube on how to keep a man, while getting ready for her date. She manages to end up in a mess after following the instructions: the clothes are too tight, she wears too much make up and overall she feels uncomfortable. Ryan also gets ready and talks to DAN (early 30s), he wants to impress Laura on their second date. It has been 2 years since he split up from Tufts. Both Ryan and Laura receive questionable advice from friends and family. Ryan gets his bedroom ready, and under Dan’s suggestion, decides to abolish the plan to go for a meal, but instead have sex with Laura. He puts Dan’s black bed sheets on the bed and retrieves some dumbbells, a Men’s Health magazine and old school textbooks to impress her. Laura arrives at Ryan’s house, uncomfortable with her tight clothes. Their encounter is awkward and Ryan insists they stay home, convinced this is what Laura wants. They realise ADAM (early 30s) is around and keeps popping up undetected.
As the evening is not going well, when on their own, they keep calling their friends asking for suggestions. Ryan is scared, and tries really hard to impress Laura, convinced she wants to have sex with him, even though she does not give out any signs. This second date is going very differently from their first meeting a week earlier, when they met in a club and they both really fancied each other. Laura is ready to leave when her friend Beth convinces her to have sex since it has been a long time for her. Laura and Ryan end up having a very awkward and quick sex then Laura decides to leave.
On her way to the bus stop, Ryan decides to walk with her and to be totally honest with her. He takes off the mask he has been wearing all night trying to impress her. He confesses about his break up and the two establish a connection again. Ryan convinces Laura to return home and they start their date from where they left it. As they are getting comfortable with each other, Ryan receives a visit from his ex, who begs him to go back together now that her boyfriend has left. Ryan is shocked and lies to Laura but soon the two women see each other and discover that Ryan’s ex is also Laura’s friend Beth. After arguing Laura leaves. Ryan decides that he does not want to be with Beth anymore and he asks her to leave and is very happy when Laura re-appears again in front of the house because she became lost with her map.
COMMENTS AND SUGGESTIONS: (a paragraph up to half a page depending on interest) The writer’s voice is distinctive though the story is not always original; for example some of the characters are familiar and have already been seen in other films. Here they do not necessarily offer something different.
The obstacles are weak and at times it is unclear what the visual on screen would be or how certain information would be visually delivered. It is also unclear why there is a montage of their life together at the end.
This story comes across as simple and not very complex and perhaps more as a film for TV for a niche, undemanding audience. Characters, tone and settings are very remindful of the TV Series Him and Her, which was deliberately low-key and felt at home on the small screen.
POTENTIAL: Consider A GUIDE TO SECOND DATE SEX
Written by
Rachel Hirons
Based on, the play 'A GUIDE TO SECOND DATE SEX' by Rachel Hirons
STARFIELD PRODUCTIONS LTD Paul Raphael [email protected] 07710 380612 NOTE: a ‘/’ symbol within dialogue indicates that another character interrupts and talks over remaining speech.
OPENING CREDITS APPEAR ON SCREEN THROUGHOUT THE FOLLOWING:
1EXT. WATERLOO STATION. EARLY EVENING. 1
Rush-hour crowds swarm in and out of the busy station - a mass of suits, shoulder bags and free newspapers.
FEMALE (V.O.) The human race is entirely dependent upon sex.
A bus, plastered with an ad depicting an underwear clad male and female model in a posed sexual act, pulls up. A swarm of commuters spill out - all couples, colleagues and groups of friends. We focus in on one man - RYAN, late twenties - as he stumbles into a GAGGLE of newspaper VENDORS.
FEMALE (V.O.) Our sex appeal determines our ability to attract a mate, and may be influenced, or indeed enhanced, by numerous factors.
2INT. WATERLOO STATION. SECONDS LATER. 2
A dishevelled RYAN joins a queue for the ticket barriers. Watching the line beside him move faster, RYAN manoeuvres across. As he does so, the queue he left picks up pace. He watches with annoyance as a MAN, previously behind him, strides through the barriers.
A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN in front of RYAN, pulling a large suitcase, ‘taps open’ the barriers. RYAN hurriedly taps in behind her. The barriers close, with the WOMAN on one side and her case and RYAN jammed on the other.
RYAN lifts her case over the barrier. She flashes him an appreciative smile and walks away. RYAN taps his oyster on the reader: an alert - ‘SEEK ASSISTANCE’. He tries again - ‘SEEK ASSISTANCE’. Annoyed, he pushes his way back through the queue toward a TRANSPORT OFFICER.
EXTREME CLOSE-UP:
A MYSTERY WOMAN’S blonde fringe and wide, seductive eyes as she applies a thick, slick layer of eyeliner. 2.
FEMALE (V.O.) Blonde hair and enlarged features on a woman, such as eyes and lips, all denote high levels of oestrogen which correspond to increased fertility, thus making them more attractive.
3INT. TUBE STATION. EARLY EVENING. 3
RYAN rushes down the left hand side of the escalator, the wall beside him littered with adverts for a dating app.
4INT. TUBE PLATFORM. SECONDS LATER. 4
RYAN reaches the platform just as the carriage doors close. He notices a bag jammed between a pair and, seizing his opportunity, RYAN hurriedly pulls the doors open.
FEMALE (V.O.) Muscles on a man are often deemed desirable, as this not only symbolises agility and strength, essential for a successful hunter- gatherer, but ensures he can provide for and protect any young.
The bag belongs to the same BEAUTIFUL WOMAN. They exchange a smile. RYAN slips inside the crammed carriage, the doors springing shut behind him. RYAN is squashed up against the glass window as the train pulls away.
5INT. TUBE CARRIAGE. MINUTES LATER. 5
The BEAUTIFUL WOMAN turns toward an ATTRACTIVE MAN, who confidently and playfully kisses and squeezes what is obviously his girlfriend. RYAN voyeurs curiously.
FEMALE (V.O.) Humans use kissing as a means to ascertain the compatibility of a partner's DNA. Pheromones exchanged in saliva offer valuable information pertaining to a person's fertility level and immune system. 3.
EXTREME CLOSE-UP
The MYSTERY WOMAN slowly smears bronze tanning lotion across her face and down her neck. It is incredibly seductive.
6INT. TUBE. EARLY EVENING. 6
Commuters - BEAUTIFUL WOMAN and ATTRACTIVE MAN included - pile out onto a platform. A rowdy mixed group of TEENAGERS, clearly at the beginning of a night out, shout, laugh, swear and swing from the handrails, garnering everyone’s attention.
FEMALE (V.O.) Women often rate a good sense of humour as more important than physical attractiveness.
One LAD stands beside RYAN, childishly mimicking his actions to the delight of the TEENAGED GIRLS. RYAN awkwardly shrinks, trying and failing to laugh it off.
FEMALE (V.O.) Not only does a good sense of humour showcase a male's ability to act competently in a crisis, but stimulates a woman's mind - her largest erogenous zone - more than any visual cue could.
Overcome with awkward embarrassment, RYAN turns to face the tube doors, getting in the way of a TIRED-LOOKING MAN en route. Needlessly manoeuvring around him, RYAN waits for the next stop.
EXTREME CLOSE-UP
The MYSTERY WOMAN scrapes her hair up on top of her head before releasing it, cascading over her back and shoulders.
7EXT. HIGH STREET. EARLY EVENING. 7
RYAN emerges from the tube station, rushing toward a bus at its stop. He waits as an ELDERLY WOMAN slowly struggles her way on board.
FEMALE (V.O.) A woman’s lips offer a subconscious representation of female genitalia. 4.
RYAN assists by holding out a hand. She takes it and smiles at him, red lipstick shakily applied all over her mouth and false teeth. RYAN tries hard to hide any judgement.
EXTREME CLOSE-UP
The MYSTERY WOMAN drags deep red lipstick across plump, pouted lips.
FEMALE (V.O.) When a woman is aroused, her genitals become deep red. Wearing red, glossy lipstick is an unconscious attempt to mimic this process.
8INT. BUS. EARLY EVENING. 8
RYAN touches his card on the reader: INSUFFICIENT FUNDS. He searches his pockets for change.
HARD CUT:
RYAN stands defeated on the curb as the bus departs, the ELDERLY WOMAN flashing him a wave through the window.
FEMALE (V.O.) During orgasm, a woman’s cheeks flush with colour.
EXTREME CLOSE-UP
A blusher brush glides across the MYSTERY WOMAN’s cheek.
FEMALE (V.O.) Wearing blusher is an instant way to replicate this action...
9INT. LAURA’S BEDROOM. EARLY EVENING. 9
A WOMAN sits with her back to us on her bed surrounded by make-up and toiletries, a mirror and laptop in front of her. The laptop plays a Youtube video by a BEAUTIFUL FEMALE VLOGGER, we instantly realise that she and the MYSTERIOUS WOMAN are one and the same. 5.
VLOGGER ... and encourage a prospective partner to fantasize about what she would look like in a post-coital state.
PULL BACK to reveal the face of the girl sat on the bed: wild tatty hair, a streaky, over-made-up face with smudges all over the place - she looks a mess. This is LAURA, glaring dumbly at the beautiful vlogger, blusher brush in hand awaiting her next instruction.
END OF CREDIT SEQUENCE.
VLOGGER (CONT’D) That’s it for this week guys/
LAURA WHAT?!
VLOGGER Remember to click ‘like’ and ‘subscribe’ for more tips on how to catch and keep the one you want. Chow for now.
The video ends and LAURA looks at her reflection, horrified at the state she has made of herself.
LAURA Fuck’s sake. (grabs a wet wipe and rubs it furiously on her face) Arrrrgh!
The room is decorated like that of a teenage girl, with 90's paraphernalia everywhere: posters of the Backstreet Boys, a topless Peter Andre, sexualised All Saints and Natalie Imbruglia; a blow-up chair, CD player, Where's Wally books, slap bracelets and a Furby are displayed. Unpacked boxes line the walls.
A knock at the door.
VAL (O.S.) Laura?
LAURA (annoyed) What? (a softer, revised tone) What’s up, mum? 6.
VAL, a ‘mumsy-looking’ woman in her late fifties enters holding a purple velvet jacket with shoulder pads.
LAURA (CONT’D) Me and Bianca have sorted what I’m wearing, I’m OK.
Ignoring LAURA’s remark, VAL holds up a beaded necklace by way of suggesting it and the jacket as an outfit.
LAURA (CONT’D) I’m OK. (LAURA and VAL stare at each other in stalemate) Put them down.
VAL lowers her hands slowly.
10INT. RYAN’S BEDROOM. SAME TIME. 10
RYAN enters with a cloud of steam from his en-suite bathroom, his towel wrapped around his upper torso, imitating how women traditionally wear them. Missy Elliots’ Work It plays from a speaker within the bathroom. RYAN sings along.
Every surface in the room is littered with miscellaneous knickknacks - a mess of dirty dishes and clothes. Kicking piles of clothes out of the way, he makes his way over to a drawer and makes to open it, pausing upon noticing an empty shirt coat-hanger hangs in front of hung trousers. RYAN rushes out of the bedroom.
11INT. LAURA’S BEDROOM. EVENING - CONTINUED. 11
LAURA stands in the formal purple jacket. VAL watches on with pride. LAURA strains to take it off.
VAL You said he was a smart dresser.
LAURA Yeah, some Victorian.
VAL Look, I know tonight’s important, especially after what’s happened... (she gestures to the stacked boxes)
LAURA Mum /please... 7.
VAL It’s been a while since somebody made you laugh. And you said he’s all clever, working for the internet.
LAURA He works in IT.
VAL Second dates are what makes or breaks a relationship.
LAURA That’s... Says who?
VAL Fella on the Youtubes. Just don’t go giving yourself away tonight, alright? Men like the chase. The less you give, the more they want.
LAURA throws the jacket onto the bed.
VAL (CONT’D) I don’t want you making the same mistakes I did. With your dad. Look at what happened there.
DAD (O.S.) I can hear you, Val.
VAL (quietly) Prick.
12INT. RYAN’S LIVING ROOM. EVENING. 12
DAN, early thirties, reclines in a La-Z-Boy chair, playing a game on a huge plasma screen. The rest of the room is comprised of a deck chair, a large bean bag, coffee table and book case containing a mess of random items.
DAN wears RYAN’s shirt, smart trousers and shiny shoes. RYAN barges in.
RYAN (urgent) Why are you wearing my shirt?
DAN (not looking) I needed a shirt. 8.
RYAN I need the shirt. Laura’s coming round.
DAN (still not looking) So you don’t need a shirt then. (sang jubilantly) Cos you’re gon-na be naked!
RYAN We’ve going for an Indian.
DAN (sang jubilantly, same melody) In the In-di-an naked!
RYAN (turning off the TV) Gimme my shirt!
DAN throws his controller and looks at RYAN.
DAN Why are - stop wearing your towel like a girl. I thought she was coming here?
RYAN She is, and we’re going for an Indian. We’re not just gonna sit in here, are we?
DAN No. Ryan, you’re gonna fuck her.
RYAN Not tonight. (beat, DAN looks confused) It’s a date, I wanna... impress her, not shag her.
DAN You impress her by shagging her.
RYAN No.
DAN She’s not travelling across town for an onion bhaji, is she? She’s coming for sex. 9.
A beat. RYAN considers this.
RYAN Well, she spelt it ‘Indian’.
DAN (shakes his head) They all do. She’s only hungry for one thing... (mimes a blow job)
RYAN I don’t think that’s why she’s coming.
DAN Cock.
RYAN No, I understood the... (he half-heartedly imitates the mime) I’m not seeing her just for sex, it’s more than... I want to know her, show her I like her.
DAN Well show her. Otherwise how’s she supposed to know you like her more than all the other women you don’t have sex with? (RYAN physically panics) Why don’t you ever have sex, Ryan?
RYAN I do have s- I have done sex.
DAN What, with Tufts?/ Great.
RYAN And Jess! Remember Jess? From college?
DAN (sarcastic) No, but it sounds current. (beat, shocked) Is that it? Two?
RYAN Well, I was in a relationship with - 10.
DAN Jesus! No wonder you’re still in love with her.
RYAN With who?
DAN Tufts!
RYAN I’m not in love with her.
DAN When’s the last time you texted her?
RYAN (sighs with impatience, thinks) I don’t- Friday. (DAN jolts in horror) I thought I saw her! What was I..? It was a week ago. There, I’ve not text her in a week. It’s finished.
DAN It was finished two years ago when she sat on someone else’s dick. She’s a cheating slag. Move on.
RYAN I know. I am. I like Laura, I want to be with Laura. That’s why I asked her for a date. For which I now have nothing to wear.
RYAN’s towel slackens and falls, revealing his nipples. He fumbles to gain his ‘dignity’.
DAN Ryan, if you genuinely like the girl, fuck her. Women like to play their game of cat and mouse - it’s a test. They want to be pursued. Keep her here, rave in her cave, pass the test. Then have all the pilau rice you want.
Worked-up with his new action plan, RYAN rushes out of the room. DAN smiles at himself and adjusts his shirt - a gentle triumph. 11.
13INT. LAURA’S BEDROOM. EVENING. 13
LAURA pulls on her too-tight jeans. As she wriggles and worms about to get them over her bum, we see her crotch dressed in tatty underwear, depicting a faint image of The Powerpuff Girls. Decorating the tops of her legs are two weeks worth of pubic growth. LAURA finally manages to pull the jeans up with effort. She is out of breath, red and sweating.
BIANCA (O.C.) Are you in?
LAURA picks up her phone from the bed. On the screen is her friend, BIANCA.
LAURA The top is too big, you can see my bra.
BIANCA Nice. You want him to see it.
LAURA I don’t.
BIANCA What time do you need an emergency call?
LAURA I won’t need an emergency call. (defeated admission) Beth’s already on it.
BIANCA OK. Have you weeded the garden?
LAURA No.
BIANCA Do it!
LAURA No, I’m not sleeping with him tonight! I need to show resistance.
BIANCA Fuck resistance!
LAURA He’ll think I’m easy. I’ll just be a fuck. 12.
BIANCA What century are you calling from?
LAURA I don’t even know if he’ll want to sleep with me. He might not even like me. He was pissed the last time he saw me. That being the only time he saw me. He might/ think
BIANCA Do the bracelet test.
LAURA What’s that?
BIANCA If you want to know how someone feels about you, you do the bracelet test.
LAURA Yeah, good. What is it?
BIANCA Sit near him, take off your bracelet, discreetly push it into his personal space and see what he does with it. Whatever he does with the bracelet, is a subconscious representation of what he wants to do to you. And that is a genuine, one hundred percent proven fact.
LAURA (sarcastic) It sounds solid.
BIANCA If he pushes it away, he wants to push you away. He doesn’t like you. If he picks it up... plays with it... he wants to bring you closer. If he ignores it... you catch the drift. If he puts it on, he wants to- LAURA BIANCA (CONT'D) (slight concern) Be inside you. Wear me? 13.
BIANCA (CONT’D) Be inside you. And that is a fact. I have done this with every man I know, and everyone of them that put the bracelet on, I fucked.
LAURA stares at BIANCA, the flawed logic clearly lost on her.
CUT TO:
14INT. RYAN’S EN-SUITE. SAME TIME. 14
RYAN stands over the toilet basin with a ‘mangina’ as he trims his pubes. The hairs fall onto the rim of the toilet seat.
DAN (O.S.) Oi! I’m off.
RYAN blows the stray hairs, dispersing them everywhere. He pulls up his jeans and rushes out.
15INT. RYAN’S LANDING. SECONDS LATER. 15
RYAN stands on the landing as DAN peers up from the stairs.
DAN (leaving) I’ll be at Inferno’s. If she doesn’t come, and I don’t mean sexually, cos that’s not happening, but if she doesn’t arrive, find me.
RYAN Wait. (in hushed tones) Are you going out with Adam?
DAN (leaning in as if to disclose important information - whispered) Who’s Adam?
RYAN Our house-mate.
DAN Thought his name was Abel? I’ve been calling him Abel. Anyway, no. Forgot he lived here to be honest. (opening the front door) (MORE) 14. DAN (CONT'D) I’ll let you use my silky sex sheets. One night, alright?
RYAN I’m not using your bed sheets.
But DAN has gone.
16INT. LAURA’S HALL. EVENING. 16
LAURA opens the door and steps out, ready to exit fast.
LAURA Bye.
VAL (O.S.) Wait! Wait! Let me see you.
LAURA nervously steps back inside.
VAL appears at the top of the stairs, jacket in hand. We see LAURA as VAL does - her jeans are tight to the point of disabling, her bra visible beneath her too-low, too-big tank top, her face weighed down with too much make-up and her skin tone orange with fake-tan.
VAL (CONT’D) You look... awful.
LAURA (on the verge of a panic attack) Yeah well I don’t know what I meant to do! I can’t get the bastard top to stay up and these jeans... Fuck it! I’m not going.
LAURA slams the door like a moody teenager.
VAL Calm down, of course you’re going.
VAL descends the stairs holding the velvet jacket. She puts it on the quivering LAURA.
VAL (CONT’D) Keep it buttoned up. (LAURA checks it out sceptically) Have you brushed your teeth?
LAURA Yes. 15.
VAL Have you got perfume on?
LAURA No.
VAL grabs a bottle from the window sill.
LAURA (CONT’D) I don’t want any perfume. I want him to smell my pheromones.
VAL sprays LAURA. LAURA tries (and fails) to dodge it.
VAL It’s ocean breeze.
LAURA It’s room spray.
VAL Well? It’s better than... ferrymons or whatever you’ve put on. Now, listen: make sure you’re safe. He could be a paedophile or ewt for all you know.
LAURA I’m twenty seven.
VAL You’re still my baby.
VAL forces a kiss on LAURA’S cheek. LAURA, galvanised, rushes out the door. VAL stands, helpless and redundant.
17INT. RYAN’S BEDROOM. EVENING. 17
RYAN stares accusingly at the black, silky sheets now on his bed. He grabs a can of Febreeze and sprays it over them. He pulls the duvet back, lies on it to sense where his bum rests, stands and squirts, specifically, that spot.
HARD CUT:
18INT. BUS. EVENING. 18
LAURA sits on a busy, jerky bus filled with advertisements depicting men and women in various states of undress. Her ‘overly done’ appearance stands out amongst the gaggles of tired, drab commuters. She checks her phone, open on Google Maps. A ‘blue line’ depicts the course of her journey. 16.
19INT. RYAN’S LIVING ROOM. EVENING. 19
RYAN arranges the chairs formally. He rifles through the bookshelf, retrieving a graduation photograph of himself and a Scrabble dictionary, placing both on the coffee table.
20INT. RYAN’S BEDROOM. EVENING. 20
RYAN enters with a lava lamp and a crumpled up copy of a Men’s Health magazine which he places on his bedside table.
He pulls dumbbells from beneath the bed into the middle of the floor. Further beneath the bed, he finds a large box of old school set texts: Macbeth, To Kill A Mocking Bird, The Complete Works of Jane Austen and Of Mice And Men. He piles them on a bedside table.
He sits on the bed. All is still and silent.
FLASHBACK:
21INT. INFERNOS NIGHTCLUB. NIGHT 21
LAURA pushes through the trendy twenty-somethings toward the bar. She stands, too close, beside a bored RYAN.
Behind the bar is a mirror. LAURA stares at her reflection pulling 'mirror faces' to get a sense of her make-up status. RYAN looks ahead, watching her reflection. Unaware of RYAN’s attention, LAURA waves to catch the BAR MAN’s attention. RYAN, mistakenly believing that LAURA is waving at him, waves back. LAURA gives an awkward smile to RYAN and turns to him.
LAURA Hi.
RYAN continues looking in the mirror then realises to turn.
RYAN Hi.
RYAN looks around, nervous and searching before returning.
LAURA Good night?
RYAN No, not really.
RYAN LAURA I thought I sa... Who are you here... 17.
RYAN LAURA What? What?
RYAN (CONT’D) No, what was it you said?
LAURA I said who are you here with?
RYAN My house-mate. He’s over there... 'dancing' to the 'music'. What about you?
LAURA Mate from work. Her boyfriend’s just broke up with her so, I’m taking her mind off it. She's outside, on the phone. Crying and begging him to take her back.
RYAN (sarcastically) Good job.
LAURA Thanks. What’s your name?
RYAN Ryan. / What’s yours?
LAURA No way! I had a rabbit called Ryan!
RYAN (unsure how to react) Cool. How is he?
LAURA He’s dead. He died.
RYAN Good. There can only be one of us.
LAURA laughs. RYAN looks proud of himself.
RYAN (CONT’D) What’s your name?
LAURA Laura. 18.
RYAN (doesn’t know what to say) It’s good. It’s a great name. I always said (mocking) If I had a daughter...
LAURA You’d call her Laura?
RYAN Well... No. I'd probably call her 'yet another in a long line of women that I cannot have'.
LAURA looks at RYAN with an expression of uncertainty.
RYAN (CONT’D) That was a joke. I wouldn’t- I don’t have a daughter so- and if I did I’m not... an incestuous paedophile.
LAURA’s phone illuminates. RYAN looks annoyed with himself.
LAURA (looking at her phone) You’re kidding?
BETH: I've left. Will call you tomorrow. x
LAURA (CONT’D) She’s gone. She always does this.
LAURA looks back to her phone to send a reply.
RYAN (plucking up courage) Err, I- Do you want a drink?
LAURA (stream of consciousness) Oh... I don't know, I should probably go after her. Then again she'll have gone to his house, so... and I was only out for her anyway. It's a night bus either way, but I do need to get back. (Suddenly positive) Right, OK.
LAURA looks at RYAN expectantly, RYAN looks bewildered.
RYAN Sorry, what was that? 19.
LAURA That was a yes. I’ll have a shot of Tia Maria, please.
RYAN gives her his most handsome and seductive smile.
BACK TO PRESENT:
INT. BUS. EVENING.
LAURA is daydreaming and smiling to herself. She glances down at the map on her phone. She has missed her stop. Panicked, she frantically rings the bell.
22INT. RYAN’S ROOM. EVENING. 22
RYAN sits on his bed. He checks his phone. 7:55pm becomes 7:56pm. On a shelf he notices a photograph of ‘TUFTS’, a beautiful girl with blonde hair. He jumps up and hides it inside a drawer.
23EXT. STREET. EVENING. 23
LAURA walks hurriedly down a main road, following the blue line on her phone. The too-tight jeans mean she is unable to separate her legs by more than a foot. It looks incredibly painful. LAURA walks off camera. We linger on the street.
LAURA (O.C.) Nope.
LAURA ‘runs’ back into frame and off in the other direction.
24INT. RYAN'S BEDROOM. EVENING. 24
RYAN enters the room and glances around it curiously in an attempt to see it through ‘fresh eyes’. He pulls the dumbbells out further so that they are visible from the moment you enter the room.
25EXT. STREET. EVENING. 25
LAURA walks down a residential street, phone in hand...
VOICE FROM PHONE Your destination is on the right.
LAURA looks to the house. She nervously walks up the path and stops at the door. 20.
Crouching in the doorway, she rummages through her bag retrieving various bits of make-up, frantically applying last minute lip gloss and blusher. She stands, throws her head forward and fluffs her hair.
LAURA (practicing) Hey, how you doing? Yeah, I just came from pilates. (to herself) Yes, good, tell him about pilates.
26INT. RYAN’S BEDROOM. EVENING. 26
RYAN walks direction-less around the room, full of nervous anticipation. He mindlessly trips over the dumbbells. He sits on the floor and cradles his stubbed toe. The doorbell rings.
RYAN immediately gets into a plank position, struggles his way through two press-ups and rushes out of the room.
27EXT. RYAN’S FRONT DOOR. EVENING. 27
LAURA stands nervously. Through the frosted glass on the front door we cam see a figure rushing down the stairs, slowing as they near the bottom.
RYAN opens the door. They pair smile at each other nervously.
RYAN Hi.
LAURA Hiya, I’m sorry I’m late, I was-
RYAN No, don’t be/ you’re not late-
LAURA (showing him the phone) Trying to follow these maps and I... can’t use these maps.
RYAN Nightmare.
LAURA It’s always like ‘head northeast’ and I don't know where that is so... 21.
RYAN Yeah.
LAURA Yeah...
They both look around, searching for something to say.
LAURA (CONT’D) I came from pilates.
RYAN Where?
LAURA (changing her mind and subject) No. Erm..
RYAN (moving aside) Shit, come- come in.
LAURA Thanks.
RYAN Sorry. I... wasn’t thinking.
LAURA steps in as RYAN closes the door, exhaling his nerves.
28INT. RYAN’S HALL. EVENING. 28
LAURA Ooh, very nice.
RYAN I’ll give you a tour if you like?
LAURA Sure. It’s Dan you live with, right?
RYAN Yeah. He’s out clubbing.
LAURA (instantly, demonic rasp) Clubbing!
RYAN is startled and totally confused. LAURA looks to him as if waiting for recognition. It doesn’t come... 22.
RYAN (nervous) OK, well, this is a hallway. In there's a kitchen.
RYAN gestures to the kitchen. LAURA, wincing in shame, looks around the door.
29INT. RYAN’S KITCHEN. EVENING. 29
LAURA (trying to redeem herself) This is indeed a kitchen.
30INT. RYAN’S HALLWAY. EVENING. 30
RYAN Yep, erm... Through there is the living room.
LAURA walks to the living room as RYAN ascends the stairs.
RYAN (CONT’D) Oh, er, follow me.
LAURA Oh, sorry.
LAURA quickly changes direction to follow RYAN up the stairs.
RYAN These are stairs /or broken escalato-.
LAURA Got it.
RYAN (reiterating his joke as she spoke over it) Or broken escalators.
RYAN looks proud of the joke. LAURA gives a placating laugh. 23.
31INT. LANDING. EVENING. 31
RYAN (pointing) Bathroom there, Dan's room there, that one's a cupboard, and (gestures for her to enter) this is the boudoir.
32INT. BEDROOM. EVENING. 32
LAURA enters, RYAN follows. LAURA scans the room and takes it all in. She coughs - clearly the room reeks of air freshener.
LAURA Wow, very nice. Very tidy.
RYAN Ahh well, not really. Still got a few plates from last night. (pointing) Cup over there.
LAURA Right. (noticing the en suite) And what's that? Is that a room?
LAURA walks towards the bathroom.
RYAN It's a toilet, yeah.
LAURA Wow! An en suite!
LAURA goes inside.
LAURA (O.S.) (CONT’D) I've always wanted one of these.
Pause. RYAN sits down on the bed.
33INT. EN SUITE. EVENING. 33
LAURA quickly checks out her reflection.
34INT. BEDROOM. NIGHT. 34
LAURA enters, RYAN is standing again. 24.
LAURA Have you got the biggest room then?
RYAN Yeah. The master bedroom. I’m the master. Ha. (awkward beat) Oh, do you wanna drink?
LAURA Yes. Sure.
RYAN Yep. OK, erm... We don’t have straight shots of Tia Maria. Surprisingly. But... (looks worried) I've got Kronenbourg? Erm, Pimms? Ribena? Milk?
LAURA Pimms is good.
RYAN Pimms is good. Alright then, I'll just go get it.
RYAN turns to leave the bedroom. LAURA follows. RYAN exits and closes the door behind him - in LAURA’s face. LAURA looks around, unsure of what to do.
LAURA Erm...
35INT. KITCHEN. EVENING. 35
RYAN frantically searches the cupboards. LAURA pokes her head in the kitchen and observes, for a moment, his search.
LAURA Do you need any help?
RYAN stops suddenly to look at her and appear composed.
RYAN Oh, erm... no, no, I’m fine.
The pair stare at each other expectantly, both unsure of what to do.
LAURA Well I’ll just... wait in the living room, then? 25.
RYAN OK.
LAURA exits. RYAN retrieves his phone and calls DAN.
36INT. RYAN’S LIVING ROOM. EVENING. 36
LAURA immediately squeezes her hands down the front and back of her jeans to offer her genitalia some temporary relief from the far-too-tight jeans. She groans in relief.
SPLIT SCREEN:
37INT. INFERNO’S ENTRANCE. NIGHT. 37
DAN’s phone rings, he answers.
DAN (amused) That didn’t take long.
RYAN (quietly, but panicked) Where’s the Pimms?
DAN Where’s the what?
A GROUP OF GIRLS stand at the desk getting their hands stamped. One GIRL, searching her bag, wears a very short dress revealing her bum beneath the hem line. DAN stares.
RYAN The Pimms, I thought we had Pimms, where is it?
DAN It’s in...the... cupboard.
RYAN It's not.
The GIRL bends down to search her bag further. Her bum is even more visible. DAN is completely engrossed.
RYAN (CONT’D) Hello?
The GIRL stands, pulls her dress down and releases DAN from his trance. 26.
RYAN (CONT’D) Bye then.
DAN Oi! Oi! Is she there or what?
RYAN Yes, obviously. I'm not drinking fucking Pimms by myself am I?
38INT. LIVING ROOM. EVENING. 38
LAURA paces the room, stopping at the graduation photograph. In it, RYAN holds a certificate for a first class honours degree whilst looking a lot younger and incredibly unattractive. She smiles...
FLASHBACK:
39INT. BAR. LAST FRIDAY NIGHT. 39
LAURA No, I got a 2:1. Which is basically a first but... It’s more like a 2:1. That’s the best degree to get, it’s a partier’s degree, it’s like ‘I could’ve got a first’ but I had a life’ you know? Why what did you get?
RYAN (beat, obviously a lie) Same, yeah. 2...2:1. Could’ve got a first but... I was... fucking... mad for it. Yeah.
BACK TO PRESENT:
40INT. KITCHEN. EVENING. 40
RYAN has got Ribena, Irn-Bru and a Capri-Sun out on the counter in front of him. He looks completely stressed.
SPLIT SCREEN CONTINUES:
DAN pays for his admission. The WOMAN behind the counter stamps his hand and smiles flirtatiously. 27.
DAN Fuck the Pimms. If you wanna get this girl, then there are five steps. I’m gonna tell you them, but you can’t tell anyone else, because I’m gonna write a book, OK?
RYAN Where is the Pimms?
DAN (counts on his fingers) Compliment her. Mirror her. Ask questions, teasingly put her down and then steer the conversation -
RYAN Conversations about sex, I know. You are aware this is a book?
DAN Alright and then fuck her. That’s six steps. New book.
RYAN opens up the same cupboard he has looked in three times and spots the Pimms.
RYAN I’ve found the Pimms. I found the Pimms!
DAN OK, you have got to calm down. You can't show fear, they smell fear.
RYAN That’s dogs.
DAN Whatever. And remember, every hole is a goal.
RYAN I've seen some of your 'goals' and -
DAN Not every goal is a victory, Ryan. Nobody ever said that.
RYAN Where are the glasses? Do we have any glasses? 28.
DAN There’s one in my room. (RYAN heads out) But I piss in it when I can't be arsed going to the toilet.
RYAN (turning back into the kitchen) Right, I've gotta go. I'll call you later.
41INT. BAR. EVENING. 41
DAN hangs up. Camera pulls back to reveal the GROUP OF WOMEN looking on in pity and disgust. The girl with the short dress, TALI, sneers at him.
TALI You’re a proper dick head.
42INT. LIVING ROOM. EVENING. 42
LAURA stands at a mirror fluffing her hair, removing smudges of eyeliner, pulling up her breasts and adjusting her genitals. RYAN enters with a can of Kronenbourg and a mug.
RYAN Ta-dar!
LAURA Hey! Wow.
LAURA takes the cup from RYAN'S hands.
RYAN Sorry about the cup. All of the glasses are... in shops.
LAURA takes a sip, she has no idea what it is.
RYAN (CONT’D) So how've you been anyway?
LAURA (trying to swallow the mystery liquid) Mm, yeah, good. Is this Irn-Bru? 29.
RYAN Pimms and Irn-Bru, yeah. All the celebs drink it. Meryl Streep's favourite.
LAURA And you only drink what Streep drinks...
RYAN Oh, nothing else. Just Kronenbourg and... Pimms and Irn-bru. It's all she'll have. You try giving her orange juice, water or something, she won't touch the shit.
LAURA giggles, then gasps in shock and horror.
RYAN turns. The camera pans revealing ADAM - early thirties, wearing a t-shirt with the words ‘I’m up here’ across his chest, is sitting in the deck chair, his feet soaking in a water filled kitchen bowl.
ADAM Hello.
LAURA Hey, I... didn’t know anyone was in here. Are you Dan?
RYAN No, that’s... Not Dan. Dan’s out. (to ADAM) Alright, mate?
ADAM Yep. Just got some dead skin forming at the soles there.
ADAM raises a foot from the tub, displaying the sole. LAURA tries to hide mild disgust. RYAN looks unimpressed.
ADAM (CONT’D) Got one of these. (shows them the pumice stone in his hand) Gonna hit up the heels with some chisel action once they’ve softened. Just gotta wait it out.
RYAN (in mortified disbelief) Cool. (MORE) 30. RYAN (CONT'D) (to LAURA) Do you... want to see the garden?
LAURA Sure.
HARD CUT:
43EXT. BACK GARDEN. NIGHT. 43
In almost complete darkness, we can just make out the outlines of their faces.
LAURA (sarcastic) Garden’s gorgeous.
The light comes back on as RYAN waves his arms about.
RYAN You’ve gotta keep moving. It’s a movement sensor.
LAURA Right.
LAURA joins in waving her arms about.
LAURA (CONT’D) Who’s that?
RYAN (stops waving in order to be ‘serious’) I don’t know.
LAURA (stops waving) What?
The light goes out. The light comes back on as RYAN kicks his legs out from side to side. LAURA does a subdued dance.
RYAN As in, he does live here. But I don’t know his name, that’s why I couldn’t introduce you.
LAURA Oh. Just ask him. 31.
RYAN I can’t, he’s been here like a month. I’ve been calling him Adam. Or Alex. Dan calls him Abel. But he responds to all of them.
LAURA I didn’t know he was there!
RYAN It’s always like that. He’s got like, no presence at all. I’m knackered.
The pair stop moving, the light goes out. We hear fumbling.
RYAN (CONT’D) Where’s it gone?
LAURA I don’t know, I’m moving.
Silence, absolute darkness.
LAURA (CONT’D) Are you still here?
RYAN (from a distance) Yeah, I’m over here. Do you think it’s like on a timer, or something?
Suddenly the light comes on. RYAN is stood against the shed at the bottom of the garden. ADAM stands barefoot in his kitchen bowl of water between them. The sudden appearance is like something from a horror film. LAURA and RYAN scream.
RYAN (CONT’D) Shit! How’d you get there without setting the light off?
ADAM (sparking a cigarette) Dunno. I didn’t know we had a light. It’s motion sensored, yeah?
RYAN It should be.
ADAM That’ll be why then. Anything like that doesn’t pick me up. (MORE) 32. ADAM (CONT'D) Can’t use an automatic flush, automatic doors. Most hand dryers. It’s a bastard.
ADAM raises his cigarette. Mid-action, the light goes out.
FADE IN:
44INT. RYAN’S LIVING ROOM. EVENING. 44
LAURA and RYAN stand in silence as rhythmic grating sounds fill the room. ADAM is fully engrossed in exfoliating his foot.
LAURA So... Are we going out then? Or...?
RYAN Well I was thinking we could stay in here for a bit.
LAURA Oh. I thought we said maybe a meal or...?
RYAN Well yeah, but then I thought we could watch a film or something.
LAURA Right. You don’t wanna.. go for a few drinks at a quiet bar?
RYAN (believing this is a test) Ha, I see. Well, we have drinks here don’t we? In fact I was just gonna go grab a beer, one sec.
RYAN exits the room. LAURA looks at the large bean bag chair and tries to sit down on it. Due to the lack of ‘give’ in her jeans, she is unable to bend her knees. After a few unsuccessful attempts, LAURA looks over to ADAM, ensuring he isn’t looking before throwing herself down onto the bean bag. She scrambles about, re-adjusting herself.
RYAN enters with a can.
RYAN (CONT’D) No, I meant upstairs.
LAURA Oh right, course. 33.
LAURA tries to stand, instantly realising she can’t.
LAURA (CONT’D) You go on, I’ll follow you up.
RYAN Sure.
RYAN hesitantly leaves. LAURA tries to stand, but every time she puts a hand down to prop herself up, it sinks into the beans. Giving up, LAURA rolls, horizontally, off the beanbag and onto the floor. Still unable to bend her legs, LAURA swings them in front of her before raising herself slowly with her arms. Once standing, she brushes herself down and exits with an exaggerated air of elegance.
ADAM stops filing his foot with the stone and lifts an electronic pedicure wheel. He switches it on, holds it against his foot and giggles with ticklishness.
45INT. RYAN’S BEDROOM. EVENING. 45
LAURA enters to find RYAN in paused motion, leaning over his weights on the floor. He resumes motion, having clearly been awaiting her entrance to carry this out.
RYAN (lifting the weights) Oh, left these out from earlier. I’ll put 'em back, ‘case you trip.
LAURA You lift weights?
RYAN struggles to get the weights back under the bed.
RYAN (strained) Everyday.
RYAN gets them under the bed, exhaling tension.
LAURA (amused) How many do you usually do?
RYAN (overly cool) Usually do about one hundred a day.
LAURA Wow! 34.
RYAN stands up, LAURA smiles.
RYAN (paranoid) What?
LAURA What?
RYAN You’re smiling. Cos you think I can’t do one hundred?
LAURA No, I just-
RYAN Look I’ll show you if you don’t believe me.
RYAN bends down and retrieves the weights again.
LAURA No, it’s fine. I don't need you to show me.
RYAN holds them, ready to go.
LAURA (CONT’D) I believe you, honestly.
RYAN completes a rep.
RYAN One.
LAURA OK.
RYAN begins another. LAURA stands redundant.
RYAN Two. (then another) Three. (struggling now) Four (he attempts a fifth, his arm trembles with strain) Five, just like that really.
RYAN puts the weights down. A pained silence fills the room. 35.
LAURA What are we watching then?
RYAN Err, don't know, whatever you want. I've got... (looks over at his DVD’s) ... All of the Pixar films?
LAURA Right.
RYAN OK, I've got Scarface, X-Men, Godfather - trilogy... Or there’s my laptop there, we could watch whatever, I’ve got Netflix.
LAURA Great.
RYAN Yeah, just pick whatever you want.
RYAN gestures to his laptop. LAURA walks over, sits on the bed and opens his laptop. RYAN swigs from his can. LAURA smiles at the screen.
LAURA You still watch Pokemon?
RYAN looks confused. A realisation...
RYAN Shit!
RYAN lunges towards LAURA, still watching the screen.
LAURA Oh, shit!
On the screen we see a violent sexual encounter between two Pokemon. RYAN grabs the laptop from LAURA and pushes random buttons.
RYAN No, no, that’s... No. Dan... did that. He took the laptop and - That... It wasn’t me.
LAURA (not convinced) OK. 36.
A pause. RYAN doesn’t know how to save himself.
RYAN Honestly I... think he just got carried away on Youtube, it would’ve come up on the side or something and he wondered why people were into it. Turns out he’s not into it, it was a bit weird. You know how it is.
Awkward silence.
LAURA So... Pikachu’s a slag. Who knew?
RYAN Yeah. Well I don’t know, I’ve not seen that, so - I’ll get Netflix.
RYAN taps at the keyboard.
LAURA Is it OK if I use your toilet a sec?
RYAN Yeah, sure. You know where it is.
LAURA walks into the en-suite, locking the door.
RYAN’s fake smile drops. A silent breakdown ensues. He drops onto the bed and bangs his fists against the mattress.
46INT. EN SUITE. EVENING. 46
LAURA puts her hands either side of the sink, stares at herself in the mirror and exhales. Retrieving her phone, she composes a text to ‘Beth’.
‘Emergency phone call desperately needed’
Hovering over the ‘send’ button, LAURA looks to her reflection.
LAURA (quietly, to herself) You gotta go, you...
FLASHBACK: 37.
47INT. INFERNOS LADIES TOILET. LAST FRIDAY. 47
LAURA stands looking at herself in the mirror in a pose that exactly replicates that of her in RYAN’s en suite.
LAURA (psyching herself up) You go, girl. You go.
48INT. INFERNO’S. LAST FRIDAY NIGHT. 48
LAURA enters from the toilet and looks across at RYAN retrieving and incredibly fancy cocktail from the bar, complete with sparklers and decorations. He carefully places it on a small table near-by.
Arranging the cocktail so that it has full impact, RYAN adjusts his hair, opens a button on his shirt, then another. Thinking again he fastens up one button.
LAURA, watching him fondly, laughs. RYAN notices her and is instantly embarrassed. He gestures towards the cocktail, at that moment the sparklers fizzle out. RYAN hangs his head in shame. LAURA walks toward him laughing, her arms outstretched to embrace him. They hug.
BACK TO PRESENT:
49INT. EN SUITE. EVENING. 49
LAURA opens her eyes and deletes her pending message.
50INT. RYAN’S BEDROOM. EVENING. 50
RYAN is crouched on the floor searching the DVD’s. He pulls out ‘A FISH CALLED WANDA’ and smiles to himself.
FLASHBACK:
51INT. A BAR. NIGHT. 51
LAURA and RYAN are sitting at a table, shouting above the load music, clearly intoxicated.
LAURA Did I ask what your name was?
RYAN Ryan. 38.
LAURA No way! I had a rabbit called Ryan!
RYAN feigns surprise as if hearing it for the first time.
FADE TO:
A later conversation. The bar now quiet, close to closing.
LAURA (CONT’D) He was behind the shed and then a cat jumped off the fence and went behind there too. I thought they were playing, so I left them for a bit, but apparently rabbits and cats don’t get on in real life.
RYAN As opposed to...?
LAURA My mind. And when I found him he was paralysed in fear. And dead. So I buried him under a tree.
RYAN (raising his glass) And may he rest in peace.
LAURA Well no, I didn't dig a deep enough hole so the foxes got to him.
RYAN Well, he died as he lived...
LAURA looks to RYAN, expecting something profound.
RYAN (CONT’D) Badly.
They laugh.
LAURA Oh god.
LAURA drinks through her straw as RYAN looks at her affectionately.
RYAN Well, if it makes you feel better I had a fish that died. 39.
LAURA What was fishy called?
RYAN Called Wanda.
LAURA pulls a disapproving face, clearly not getting the reference.
LAURA Wanda’s a shit name for a fish.
RYAN Yeah, but A Fish Called-
LAURA My fish were called Bubbles and Chickatita.
RYAN nods, placating.
BACK TO PRESENT:
LAURA enters to find RYAN with two DVD’s in his hands.
RYAN So, I’ve found A Fish Called Wanda... (no reaction from LAURA) Still nothing. Or Cruel Intentions, which might be more to your taste?
LAURA Than Pixar or Pokemon porn? I can’t imagine so. (smiling) Cruel Intentions.
RYAN A fine choice.
RYAN immediately starts loading the DVD up.
RYAN (CONT’D) (quietly, to himself) Nailed it.
LAURA sits on the edge of the bed and flicks her hair about in an attempt to look ‘seductive’. She sucks her stomach in to look flat and re-adjusts herself, tucking her muffin top into the waist band of her jeans before extending the arm upon which she is leaning further and further away from her body until she looks ‘splayed’. 40.
RYAN (CONT’D) Right, sorted.
RYAN turns to her. The position looks incredibly contrived.
RYAN (CONT’D) Comfy?
LAURA Mm-hmm.
RYAN Do you want a top-up before it starts?
LAURA I'm good, thanks. Still got plenty.
RYAN (gesturing to the pillows) Sit up there if you want, you’ll probably see it better.
RYAN glances at LAURA and the TV, highlighting the fact that her current position means she cannot see it at all.
LAURA OK.
LAURA perches half way up the bed, RYAN lies down.
RYAN Here, get on properly.
RYAN pats the bed.
LAURA and RYAN lie side by side in an awkward manner. A silence.
LAURA Have you seen this film before?
RYAN Yeah, ages ago. This is where that brother and sister get it on?
LAURA (embarrassed) Ha! Yeah.
RYAN Pretty sexy stuff. 41.
LAURA Well, you know this is the film where Ryan Phillipe and Reese Witherspoon met before they got married?
RYAN No way. Is that the actress who got stabbed? Reese...erm...
LAURA Witherspoon?
RYAN No, with a knife! Agghaha.
LAURA (pushing him playfully) You idiot.
RYAN Sorry.
LAURA takes her bracelet in hand, waiting for the right time.
LAURA puts the bracelet next to RYAN’s leg. RYAN stares at it curiously before picking it up. LAURA watches intently.
RYAN (CONT’D) Is this for me?
LAURA No, I just... casually took it off and... put it there.
RYAN Do you want it back?
LAURA No, you can have it for a bit, if you like? To do with what you like.
RYAN looks at her, completely bemused.
RYAN Am I supposed to do something with it?
LAURA Nope.
RYAN, cautiously and delicately (in order to prevent any further ‘weird’ conversation) slides it over the lava lamp. 42.
LAURA stares at the beads around the shaft of the lamp with understanding. RYAN notices her interest and looks confused. The pair look toward the TV. Silence ensues.
After a few moments, RYAN becomes twitchy. He raises both elbows to lean them on the bed head, his intention to wrap an arm around LAURA immediately obvious - to us and LAURA. RYAN tries to go for the full arm around but backs out. LAURA sits, expectantly. Finally, he musters the courage.
Our focus rests on LAURA as she debates what to do - depicted through rapid eye movement and an uncertain expression. Finally she snuggles into RYAN’s embrace.
A nervous cough from RYAN accentuates the deafening silence. RYAN squeezes LAURA’s arm and tips his foot so that it touches hers. We focus in on LAURA’s face...
FLASH:
Close-up of LAURA’s bushy crotch in faded Powerpuff pants.
FLASH:
VAL The more resistance you put up, the more they want you in the long run.
BACK TO PRESENT:
RYAN puts his other arm across LAURA, making her obviously uncomfortable and 'trapped'. LAURA looks across at the bracelet wrapped around the lava lamp with panic.
LAURA You know what? I've seen this film.
She wiggles free from his grip.
RYAN Oh, do you wanna choose another?
LAURA No, no I'm not really in a... filmy... sort of mood.
RYAN (seductive, nervous) I see. What mood are you in?
LAURA (serious, nervous) Well I... thought we were going out, so... 43.
RYAN Right. (beat) No.
LAURA looks annoyed. RYAN searches for an excuse.
RYAN (CONT’D) I... Actually I have agoraphobia.
LAURA glares at him, clearly on the verge of questioning him. She decides against it and let’s the tense, awkward silence punish him.
RYAN (CONT’D) I’ll get us a top-up.
RYAN awkwardly slips out of the room in a sequence that takes too long for comfort. Just as the door closes behind him, he returns...
RYAN (CONT’D) I need your cup.
Without a word or eye contact, LAURA passes him the cup.
Once again RYAN tip toes out of the room. LAURA grabs her phone and rushes into the en-suite.
52INT. KITCHEN. EVENING. 52
RYAN phones DAN while mixing Irn-Bru and Pimms into her mug.
SPLIT SCREEN
53INT. BAR. NIGHT. 53
DAN, now dirty dancing with TALI to ‘Get Low’, feels his phone vibrate, he answers.
DAN YO!
RYAN I’m losing her. I’m losing her. She’s trying to leave. I’ve left it too long, I’ve fucked up. I don’t know what I’m doing.
DAN (didn’t hear anything above the music) How’s it going? 44.
54INT. EN SUITE. NIGHT. 54
LAURA is freaking out and calls BETH. The phone rings out. LAURA sends BETH a text: Emergency call?! DESPERATELY neededX
55INT. BEDROOM. NIGHT. 55
LAURA nervously makes her way to the bedroom door and opens it. She can make out the sound of muffled conversation. She grabs her phone and calls BIANCA.
SPLIT SCREEN:
56INT. BIANCA’S LIVING ROOM. NIGHT. 56
BIANCA sits on a couch, surrounded by loose papers and a laptop open in front of her depicting spreadsheets. BIANCA is on Tinder, swiping YES to EVERY suggested match. Her phone rings - it’s LAURA - she answers.
BIANCA Loz!
LAURA Bink, I need an emergency phone call, now!
BIANCA OK... AHHH! There's a fucking emergency - everyone's... on fire. And dead! Not necessarily because of the fire because there’s other shit going on as well. Bring foam. Or sand. / Ahhhh!
LAURA Stop it, stop. That’s not how you do an emergency call.
BIANCA (offended) What? People are dying and on fire. What do you need?
LAURA Something more believable.
BIANCA OK, I’ve found a body. Just one. 45.
LAURA No!
BIANCA What’s happening?
LAURA He wants to have sex with me.
BIANCA Right.
LAURA I don’t know what to do.
BIANCA As in... you don’t know how to do sex with him?
LAURA I can’t have sex with him. It’s too soon, if I do it now there’s no resistance. I’ve not shaved. Bink, he wanks off to Pikachu.
BIANCA Pikachu’s pretty.
LAURA It’s a drawing of a cat. Thing. Also, he said he’s agoraphobic. That’s a lie. Or he is agoraphobic. I don’t know.
BIANCA Stop being scared and-
LAURA I am scared.
BIANCA Well you rang the right person. Help is at hand.
LAURA I don’t need help /I need-
BIANCA Anyone who masturbates with an electric toothbrush needs help. (awkward beat) Oh, sorry. Beth told me. Look, he’s just feeling pressured, he’s freaking out. Take charge. (MORE) 46. BIANCA (CONT'D) Men like it when they don’t have to take charge the whole time. Most of the time they don’t even know what they’re doing.
57INT. KITCHEN. NIGHT. 57
RYAN is pacing. SPLIT SCREEN:
DAN What are you doing?
RYAN Right now Dan, I'm talking to you while there is a girl, who thinks I have intermittent agoraphobia now, held hostage in my room. That's what I'm doing. I am... off piste.
DAN Have you complimented her?
RYAN YES! Probably, I don't know.
DAN Have you spoken about sex yet?
RYAN No.
DAN I can lead a horse to water, Ryan.
RYAN OK, OK! (Composes himself) So we compliment her, sex talk-
DAN Be dominant. Be forceful. Tell her to get in the bed. Tell her they're the bedroom rules. They like rules.
RYAN That’s... again, that’s dogs. 47.
DAN That one works for both. And right before you fuck her, you look her - dead in the eye - and you say ‘you might not like this, but by God you’ll remember it’.
RYAN What?! Why would anyone, ever say that?
DAN Because you do, you just do. I do. And it’s going in the book.
58INT. EN SUITE. NIGHT. 58
SPLIT SCREEN:
LAURA holds the phone and hurriedly applies red lipstick.
LAURA (whispered) Done.
BIANCA Now, now dip your tits in cold water. (LAURA looks dumbstruck) It plumps them up so they look bigger. But you have to keep doing it throughout the night. They'll shrink in heat.
LAURA This isn’t Fifty Shades of fucking Grey, Bink.
BIANCA No. This is more like one shade, of shit. Which is why I’m intervening. In the last six years you have fucked one guy and look what happened to him! Meanwhile, BrazilianBabe69 over here, is a 9.7 On HotorNot.
LAURA You’re not Brazilian. Let alone in the top 70. 48.
BIANCA You have been talking about this guy all week. All week. So give him a chance. If he’s fucking up, take control. Now draw the fanny on my face, dip my tits in the water and thank me later instead of acting like some... pandas.
Defeated, LAURA turns the cold tap on and inserts the plug.
59INT. KITCHEN. EVENING. 59
RYAN stands deflated. Out of the silence:
ADAM (O.C) I would like to make a contribution. If I may?
RYAN looks over to see ADAM leaning against the wall.
RYAN Sure.
ADAM Women like romance. They like to be courted, their men chivalrous, gentle and of fine taste.
RYAN I’m sure they do. But I don’t exactly have the time to suddenly become that right now.
ADAM (majestic) Oh, but you can. It’s a trick.
ADAM leans forward and hands RYAN a small metal case.
ADAM (CONT’D) Trust me.
RYAN looks at ADAM who, dressed in his slogan t-shirt, surf shorts and toe separators, is hardly Casanova.
60INT. RYAN’S BATHROOM. EVENING. 60
SPLIT SCREEN: 49.
BIANCA Now, if you’re lacking confidence, you need to imagine someone sexy.
LAURA (thinks) Taylor Hanson.
BIANCA No, a woman. Tay...? Seriously?
LAURA Shakira.
BIANCA Right. Now whenever you feel insecure, nervous... whatever, you think of Shakira and you think... 'what would she do right now?' And then you do that.
LAURA turns the tap off. She stares at the water.
BIANCA (CONT'D) Put them in.
LAURA lifts her top, lowers her bra and bends forward.
LAURA Fuck, this is freezing!
LAURA winces in discomfort and begins breathing heavily.
61INT. BEDROOM. NIGHT. 61
RYAN enters with drinks - his shirt unbuttoned to the navel. Muffled sounds emanate from the bathroom.
62INT. EN SUITE. NIGHT. 62
SPLIT SCREEN:
LAURA raises her chest out of the sink and gives a wiggle to shake off excess water. She pulls her bra and top back down.
LAURA Done.
BIANCA Right. Now do they seem bigger? 50.
LAURA Erm...
LAURA grabs her breasts to check. Removing her hands, she has made two wet handprints on her top.
LAURA (CONT’D) Fuck!
Knock on the bathroom door.
RYAN (O.S.) Are you alright in there?
LAURA panics and hangs up. SPLIT SCREEN ends.
LAURA Yes! Yes, I'm fine. Just one sec.
LAURA spots a razor, picks it up and looks at herself.
She unbuttons her jeans and pulls them to her ankles. She shaves her bikini line quickly before rinsing the razor. Looking back to her crotch, it is now speckled with blood.
LAURA (CONT’D) Shit!
LAURA blows on it heavily for a few breaths. Defeated, LAURA pulls up her jeans, dries the razor and carefully puts it back. She grabs the tube of toothpaste, squirts some in her mouth and composes herself.
63INT. BEDROOM. NIGHT. 63
LAURA is greeted by RYAN, lying on the bed smoking a cigar. LAURA stands with bright red lips and a wet t-shirt through which her nipples are clearly visible.
RYAN M’lady.
LAURA (startled) Hey.
RYAN How are you?
LAURA Fine. 51.
LAURA tries to subtly purse her lips and stick her chest out. RYAN takes a drag of his cigar.
RYAN Are you getting back in the bed or... what?
LAURA looks taken aback.
RYAN (CONT’D) These are the bedroom rules, do not break them.
LAURA smiles and sits on the bed. RYAN looks pleased with himself, this is actually working.
LAURA You smoke, then?
RYAN Only of an eve.
RYAN takes a toke. Nervous, he inhales the smoke and coughs.
LAURA (sarcastic) Looks good.
RYAN nods amongst the restrained coughs. LAURA turns to the film. A sex scene plays.
RYAN Ah. It's all sex, sex, sex these days isn't it? Sex, sex, sex...
LAURA This film was made in '99.
RYAN And in those days as well. Some things just never change.
LAURA puts her hand on RYAN’s leg. A beat. RYAN goes to kiss LAURA as she turns away to get her drink.
As she drinks, she winces, realising too late what just happened. RYAN looks mortified.
Silence ensues as LAURA lowers her cup and turns to RYAN.
RYAN (CONT’D) You smell really good. What is it? 52.
LAURA Ocean Breeze.
RYAN It’s good.
LAURA smiles coyly. RYAN leans in - the pair kiss. It becomes increasingly passionate as the pair intertwine their legs. RYAN puts his hand on LAURA's face.
RYAN (V.O.) OK! Start with the face and work your way down.
LAURA begins stroking down RYAN's chest.
RYAN (V.O.) This is happening. Don't get over excited. Stay calm. I am not calm.
LAURA (V.O.) What would Shakira do? Shakira, what would you do?
LAURA begins rolling her stomach, it starts off subtle and sexy enough but soon becomes intrusive.
LAURA (V.O.) (her voice over inspires her actions) Then you’d... do your chest jutting thing... Roll around in the mud. Get that leg over...
The kiss ends to give her routine the 'space' it obviously requires. The extra room causes LAURA to continue the performance in an increasingly intricate way.
LAURA (V.O.) Is this too much? What am I doing? How do I stop? I think this worked a lot better actually in the mud. Probably essential.
RYAN (V.O.) What is happening? Do I just watch?
LAURA eventually stops, slightly out of breath. RYAN puts his hand on Laura's breast.
LAURA (V.O.) Oh my god! 53.
RYAN (V.O.) Oh. My. God.
LAURA (V.O.) Take control. Take control.
LAURA straddles him and continues gyrating about.
RYAN (V.O.) I should've had a wank.
LAURA starts lifting his shirt.
RYAN (V.O.) Wow, she is so confident.
LAURA (V.O.) Where am I going with this?
RYAN (V.O.) How many guys has she had?
LAURA (V.O.) Right I'll start with his shirt, kiss for a bit and then I'll take off mine and that is the new plan.
RYAN (V.O.) You're gonna have to be good at this. All your best moves.
LAURA starts removing her shirt.
RYAN (V.O.) (CONT’D) Be dominant! You can't let her take off her own shirt.
RYAN tries to manoeuvre it so that he is in control. This move sends LAURA, now top over her eyes, toppling onto the bed, head first. LAURA sits back up and removes her own top.
LAURA (V.O.) You’re still wearing your shoes.
LAURA removes her shoes. RYAN un-belts his trousers. LAURA tries taking off her own trousers. She peels them down with effort. She stands on them with one leg in order to get the other leg out. This doesn’t happen. She tries the same tactic with the other leg - still unsuccessful.
LAURA (V.O.) This is the most awkward situation that has ever happened. 54.
RYAN Here, lie down.
LAURA, clearly humiliated, lies flat on the bed. RYAN grabs the legs of her jeans and pulls as hard as he can.
LAURA Ow! Thank you.
Now exposed, LAURA shuffles up to hide beneath the covers.
RYAN (V.O.) (staring at his feet) Socks on? Socks off? Socks on.
RYAN lies next to LAURA. An awkward beat.
LAURA I’ll just...
LAURA gestures beneath the cover. She slowly slinks beneath. We see the outline of her head rest at his crotch.
RYAN (V.O.) Yes! OK relax.... (LAURA's head slowly bobs up and down) Oh wow, this is... I can't wait to tell Dan about this. Who's the daddy now, Dan?! Gotta tell him about that porno as well, in case she asks him. Right just stop thinking, stop thinking. This is a result. (He lets out a pleasurable moan) Don't get too carried away now. I hope it's all clean down there. What if it's too clean? Can she taste soap? Can she breathe under there? Should I lift the cover? Give her some air? A little air hole? (Ryan 'wafts' the cover slightly) OK... God, she's good.
LAURA (V.O.) I can't breathe. Should I stop yet? I don't know how long I should do this for. Maybe a few more swirly ones and then I'll stop. (LAURA's head begins to swirl RYAN looks in ecstasy) They always work like a charm. 55.
LAURA emerges from the covers, directly facing RYAN.
RYAN (awkward) Thank you.
LAURA lies next to RYAN.
RYAN (V.O.) Am I meant to go down there? Is that what she's expecting?
RYAN’s eyes dart downwards.
LAURA (V.O.) Oh god, he’s gonna go down there.
RYAN (V.O.) Think that’s what she’s expecting.
RYAN starts shimmying down the bed, under the covers.
LAURA (V.O.) Nooooo!
RYAN'S head is moving around under the covers.
RYAN (V.O.) (O.C.) Oh god, where is it?
LAURA (V.O.) What is he doing?
RYAN (V.O.) (O.C) I can’t see shit. Ooh, it's here.
LAURA (V.O.) OK, just relax..
RYAN (V.O.) (O.C) What is going on here?
LAURA (V.O.) He seems fine.
RYAN (V.O.) (O.C.) Who the fuck designed this? Ooh, where's it gone?
LAURA (V.O.) Should I be doing something here? Maybe stroke his hair? Yeah, that's probably the right thing to do. 56.
LAURA begins stroking RYAN's hair beneath the covers.
RYAN (V.O.) (O.C.) (slowly) A, B, C, D, E, F, G... G is a hard one.
LAURA (V.O.) OK, get him back up. How do I end this? Wiggle him off? (she wiggles)
RYAN (V.O.)(O.C) Oh, she’s had enough. Probably ‘cause I fucked up the G.
RYAN emerges and leans over her. There is a pause.
RYAN (V.O.) You look her dead in the eye and you say...
RYAN (backing out) Hiya.
LAURA Hi.
RYAN (V.O.) Yeah that worked. Right here we go.
RYAN tries to insert himself.
LAURA Erm, Ryan?
RYAN Yeah?
LAURA Have you... got a condom?
RYAN Condom, yeah.
RYAN gets off the bed, finds his jeans, searches the pockets and pulls out his wallet. He retrieves a condom from inside. He tears open the packet and stares at the condom.
LAURA Is everything alright? 57.
RYAN Yeah fine, just, can never get these things the right way round.
LAURA smiles before looking to the ceiling with dread.
RYAN gets back on top of LAURA and fumbles beneath the covers trying to put the condom on. Finally...
RYAN (CONT’D) Right.
RYAN tries to begin.
LAURA Ow!
RYAN Shit, sorry!
LAURA No, it’s fine. It’s just... higher.
RYAN Oh sorry. Just a sec.
RYAN (V.O.) Don't go soft... Don’t you die ON ME! Fuck! Could just thumb it in?
He starts trying to re-insert himself.
LAURA (V.O.) Don’t thumb it in.
LAURA Are you OK there?
RYAN Yeah, fine. Just a sec.
RYAN starts wanking himself hard again. LAURA lies redundant.
LAURA Do you want a hand?
RYAN Nah, it'll be there in a sec.
RYAN (V.O.) (furiously masturbating) Come on.
RYAN'S phone rings loudly. LAURA looks at him expectantly. 58.
RYAN continues masturbating, now even more aggressively - his eyes clenched shut. The ringing continues. RYAN slows to a stop. He gives a defeated sigh and rolls off her.
The couple lie side-by-side in embarrassed silence.
RYAN (V.O.) I did really shit.
LAURA (V.O.) I want. To die.
RYAN (V.O.) Maybe I should apologise?
RYAN Sorry about that.
LAURA No, it’s fine.
RYAN I’m usually better.
LAURA As am I.
LAURA turns away and grabs her clothes from the floor. RYAN throws his phone in frustration to the other side of the room. It lands behind the TV. LAURA pretends not to notice.
RYAN I'm just nippin' to the loo
RYAN walks into the en-suite. He closes and locks the door.
LAURA (to herself) Fuck! Shakira, you wiggly bitch.
64INT. EN SUITE. NIGHT. 64
RYAN lies face down on the tiled floor. He closes his eyes, takes a huge intake a breath and holds it.
65INT. BEDROOM. NIGHT. 65
LAURA is lying face up on the floor, sweating and panting having pulled up her jeans. She sits up, pulls on her tank top, realises the wet marks are visible and wears it backwards. 59.
66INT. EN SUITE. NIGHT. 66
RYAN is red in the face. He finally exhales and pants.
67INT. BEDROOM. NIGHT. 67
LAURA is fully dressed with bag and shoes and ready to go. RYAN enters.
RYAN (in jest) Oh, are you off, then?
LAURA Well yeah, I was thinking I probably should stop by my mate’s house. Apparently there’s some sort of emergency, so...
RYAN Right, yeah. Errm... (defeated) I’ll walk you to the stop.
LAURA Oh, no, it’s fine, I know where I’m going.
RYAN and LAURA share a polite smile.
68INT. HALLWAY. NIGHT. 68
LAURA buttons her jacket as RYAN opens the front door.
LAURA (in an overly formal, polite manner) There we are, all done. Well, it was lovely seeing you again.
RYAN Yep, and you.
LAURA Thanks so much for the drinks and... everything.
RYAN No, no worries. No problem.
LAURA OK. Bye. 60.
RYAN and LAURA have an awkward hug which descends into patting each other on the back.
RYAN Bye.
LAURA walks down the path, turns to wave and walks left.
RYAN (CONT’D) Laura? Laura?
LAURA Yeah?
RYAN It’s that way.
LAURA Right.
RYAN Here, I’ll take you.
RYAN steps out of the house and closes the door behind him.
LAURA No, it’s- you have agoraphobia!
RYAN shakes his head in shame. The pair walk down the street together in silence. LAURA looks at his shoe-less feet.
FLASHBACK TO FIRST DATE:
69EXT. STREETS OF CAMDEN. NIGHT. 69
RYAN and LAURA exit a bar looking intoxicated. LAURA - who cannot walk in her heels - goes through various phases: stumbling, falling over, walking bare foot and eventually, getting a piggy back from RYAN.
LAURA Oh my God, is this how you see the world? Everyone looks tiny.
RYAN Yep.
LAURA You see it how I see it.
LAURA descends, forcing his head down next to hers. 61.
RYAN Wow. You’re a Borrower.
LAURA I’m not a Borrower. Am I?
RYAN Well, one of us is a freak.
LAURA I think it’s you.
RYAN Well I- here let’s ask this guy. (to a passer-by) Excuse me mate, which/ one of
PASSER-BY Fuck off.
LAURA giggles.
RYAN (joking) That was my dad.
BACK TO PRESENT:
70EXT. BUS STOP. NIGHT. 70
LAURA stares down the road looking for the bus. RYAN looks on the verge of speaking. Finally...
RYAN Laura?
LAURA (distracted) Mm? Yeah?
RYAN I’m sorry. About this. All of it.
LAURA All of what?
RYAN The whole thing, I've just, I haven't... Well, you're gonna go anyway, so I suppose it doesn't matter, I haven't ever really done this before. I don't mean that, I have done that. (MORE) 62. RYAN (CONT'D) I know it didn't look like it, but I have. (Beat) Never well, but...I haven't been with anyone in a while and I... fucked it. Again, not well. I don't know what I'm trying to say. I'm sorry I didn't take you out. I should have. I panicked. I don't know how to do this.
LAURA (amused) Neither do I, really.
RYAN No, you do. You obviously do. The confidence and all the dancing and-
LAURA That bit wasn’t strong.
RYAN It... I liked it.
LAURA Would've worked better with music.
RYAN See, I had music and I felt that was my downfall. So if you can imagine what I did without the music, I’d be grateful.
LAURA OK. So what, you don't usually take girls to your bedroom on a second date then?
RYAN I er, I don't usually have second dates, to be honest. I haven't found anyone that I like in a while. Or that likes me. Dan's been... he keeps trying to set me up on these dates with girls he knows or women he works with and/
LAURA Why do you need Dan’s help? You found me easy enough.
RYAN Well... I've just not really been that interested in it lately. 63.
LAURA Is this about an ex or... are you just not that into women?
RYAN Erm, I thought you aren't meant to talk about this stuff. Isn't that what they say? That if you talk about it... people die or something?
In the distance, RYAN can see the bus approaching.
LAURA I think it's fine. It's just getting to know someone isn't it? I don't know why you're not meant to.
RYAN (debating whether to mention the bus) Yeah, erm...
LAURA Or whatever, you don’t have to tell me. I’m not one of those girls who are like... (intensely) ‘Who is she, do you still love her, does she still love you, do you see her. Do you?’ (accidentally sincere) Do you?
RYAN makes his decision.
RYAN Yeah, I suppose, OK, well my ex just kinda got with my best mate, now ex best mate, when I was seeing her and, yeah.
LAURA WOW.
RYAN Yeah.
The bus comes closer...
FLASHBACK: 64.
71INT. RYAN’S LIVING ROOM. DAY. 71
RYAN enters. On the couch is RYAN’s EX, the blonde and beautiful TUFTS, having sex with another man, JAMES. TUFTS notices RYAN.
TUFTS Shit. Ryan! Why are you back?
RYAN Why are you having sex with James?
TUFTS Ryan, I’m so sorry. I was gonna tell you about this.
RYAN About what?
TUFTS About me and James and...
RYAN Right, so you are both..? Right.
TUFTS I just didn't want you to get upset. Honestly, I was gonna tell you like, over a weekend or something. I'm so sorry you- at least now you know and everything's out and...
TUFTS looks to JAMES for back-up. JAMES gives a slight nod.
RYAN Yes, that silver lining is blinding. (To JAMES) Shouldn’t you be climbing out of a window or something?
JAMES Why?
RYAN Because that's what you do. You run. Hide your shame, at least. Where are your pants? Put them on for a start.
JAMES I’m pretty hot in here. 65.
RYAN Yeah, the central heating's faulty. If you don't get the dial spot on, the temperature goes up and up. Anyway, fuck you.
72INT. RYAN’S LANDING. DAY. 72
RYAN is inside the airing cupboard as JAMES fiddles with the temperature dial and turns handles on pipes. He seems to know what he is doing.
JAMES OK, keep holding it down.
RYAN It feels like it’s trying to pop back up.
JAMES Yeah, it will do, just hold it. (JAMES calibrates the dial) Release it now.
A loud click sounds.
JAMES (CONT’D) That'll do it.
RYAN crawls out of the cupboard, tears streaming.
RYAN Thanks.
RYAN watches as JAMES and TUFTS leave. TUFTS turns and gives RYAN one last apologetic look, unable to find the words.
BACK TO PRESENT:
73EXT. BUS STOP. NIGHT. 73
LAURA has her hands clasped around mouth. The bus is letting people on and off beside her.
LAURA Oh my God. That's horrific. That's... Shit!
RYAN (trying to keep her distracted) Mmm. Temperature's fine though. 66.
LAURA How long were you with her for?
RYAN Two and a half years. It's all fine now, I mean, we don't hang out or anything but, like, I'm not mad. I’s say hi if I see either of them... that kinda thing. But yeah, I suppose it put me off.
LAURA Well, I can see why. Do you have... Shit, is this my bus?
RYAN (feigned surprise) Oh, what? Is it?
LAURA (walking to inspect the bus) I don’t know.
The bus pulls away. LAURA turns to RYAN.
LAURA (CONT’D) Errrm...
RYAN It’s alright. I’ll wait with you till the next one.
LAURA No you-
LAURA looks at RYAN who, in a t-shirt and no shoes, stands shivering in the street. He looks fragile. LAURA softens.
LAURA (CONT’D) It’s too cold to wait here.
RYAN shrugs. LAURA flashes him a soft, genuine smile.
74INT. HALLWAY. NIGHT. 74
RYAN takes and hangs up LAURA’s jacket with a sense of victory.
LAURA Have you dated anyone since? 67.
RYAN Mmm, a couple. Noth/ing serious.
LAURA And how did they go?
RYAN (sarcastic) They were very successful, yes. I'm dating all of them right now. Nightmares.
LAURA (excited) How?
FLASHBACK:
75INT. RESTAURANT. EVENING. 75
RYAN sits opposite a much older and highly-sexed WOMAN. A wedding ring is visible as she dips her fingers into wine and sucks them dry. Beneath the table she is rubbing her foot into RYAN's crotch. The restaurant is particularly busy and the table cloth incredibly short. RYAN looks mortified.
HARD CUT.
76INT. RESTAURANT BATHROOM. EVENING. 76
RYAN (into the phone) Dan! She's married... 'So'?!... No, no this is the opposite of what I need. She's sucking wine off her finger. (suddenly serious) I've said that! She doesn't care about what's practical.
FLASHBACK:
77INT. HOUSE PARTY. NIGHT. 77
RYAN sits on a couch in a NIKE t-shirt, with AMY - a young, hippy-looking woman.
AMY In the end we did like sixteen festivals last year. 68.
RYAN Are there sixteen festivals?
AMY There are thousands! All corporate sponsored now though.
RYAN (no idea what he is talking about) Yeah, fuck the... system. Of corporate sponsors. Bastards. (looks down at his shirt) Fuck you! Ya... Men in suits.
As RYAN shakes his head in faux disgust, DOM, a handsome and confident man, approaches.
DOM (to AMY) You are the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. Is this your boyfriend?
AMY No, we’re just talking.
DOM You wanna grab a drink?
AMY follows DOM into the kitchen. RYAN watches on, helpless.
BACK TO PRESENT:
78INT. KITCHEN. NIGHT. 78
LAURA is laughing as RYAN retrieves another can from the fridge.
RYAN What about you then?
LAURA (looking into her cup) Yeah, go on...
She places her cup on the side. RYAN grabs more Pimms and Irn Bru and mixes a drink, pouring WAY too much Pimms in. LAURA notices...
RYAN Sorry, that’s like double what you had. 69.
LAURA (inspired, same demonic rasp as earlier) Doubling!!
LAURA looks to him, encouraging him to pick up the reference... RYAN appears terrified.
RYAN (uncertain) Erm... yeah. I meant, what’s your story? You've gotta tell me about you if I'm telling you all this.
LAURA (realigning herself) There's nothing to tell, really. Me and my ex just... drifted apart.
RYAN Deep.
LAURA Well, no I mean...
RYAN No, say no more. A perfectly fair exchange of information.
LAURA Well - be specific, what do you wanna know?
LAURA's phone vibrates in her pocket. LAURA sees an incoming call from BETH. She ignores it.
RYAN You can answer, it’s fine.
LAURA No. It's alright. How come you started talking to me then?
RYAN Well - and as much as we both want me to give you a compliment here - you started talking to me.
LAURA I never!
FLASHBACK: 70.
79INT. CLUB. LAST FRIDAY NIGHT. 79
LAURA waves at the BARMAN. RYAN waves at LAURA. LAURA turns to RYAN...
LAURA Hi.
BACK TO PRESENT:
80INT. LIVING ROOM. NIGHT. 80
LAURA and RYAN enter. RYAN takes the bean bag leaving LAURA the LA-Z-BOY chair.
LAURA (in shocked realisation) That is true, I did.
RYAN Yeah, but now I look like a dick. And it wasn’t because I don't think you're beautiful, because I do. I really do. It’s more because, you're the sort of girl I had posters on my bedroom wall of, not the sort that actually dates me.
LAURA is immediately softened by this compliment.
LAURA And yet, here I am.
RYAN And that is your folly, madam.
RYAN's phone, now on silent behind the T.V upstairs, illuminates. Incoming call from ‘DON’T CALL OR TEXT!’
LAURA Ryan?
RYAN Laura?
LAURA Do you really do one hundred reps a day?
RYAN No. I also don't have agoraphobia. I just wanna make that clear. 71.
Big pause.
LAURA I used your razor. And I’m very sorry.
RYAN Oh, that’s OK. It’s not like I use it on my face. Anymore.
LAURA OK. But you have to ask the questions though, right? (she stands and paces) Me and my ex broke up five months ago... Go!
The ‘game’ of quick questions commences.
RYAN OK. Was it serious?
LAURA Yes.
RYAN How long were you together?
LAURA Six years.
RYAN Six years?! Did you live together?
LAURA Yes.
RYAN Are you married?
LAURA No.
RYAN Were you married?
LAURA Mmm, no.
RYAN Engaged?
LAURA Yes. 72.
RYAN And what happened?
LAURA No, you can’t ask that.
RYAN I have to guess?
LAURA Yes.
RYAN Did one of you cheat?
LAURA Nope.
RYAN Did...Oh God, he’s not dead, is he?
LAURA No!
RYAN I was gonna say this game is awful.
LAURA Fine, I'll just tell you. So, it started off, about a year ago, he told me he was bi-sexual. He went t-
RYAN And you were fine with that?
LAURA Well, yeah pretty much. I mean I was like 'do you still fancy me?' and he said yes, and then when I thought about it, I thought, I kinda fancy Jennifer Aniston. I imagine what she must smell like.
RYAN Coconut.
LAURA Yes! I always say pina colada!
RYAN I reckon she uses a lot of scented body lotions. 73.
LAURA Exactly! Anyway...
FLASHBACK:
81INT. LAURA AND MATTHEW'S BEDROOM. MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT. 81
LAURA lies awake and alone in bed. She sits up.
LAURA (V.O.) So it must have been like 3am or something, I was in bed and I woke up and he wasn’t there.
RYAN (V.O.) Shit!
LAURA (V.O.) But I could hear noises downstairs. So I got up and I went down.
INT. LAURA AND MATTHEW'S LIVING ROOM. MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT.
MATTHEW is pacing, nervously fiddling with ornaments.
The characters in the flashback are silent as LAURA narrates. When LAURA recalls speech the characters mouth along.
LAURA (V.O.) And he was in the living room fiddling about with ornaments.
RYAN (V.O.) Is that like code for...?
LAURA (V.O.) No, like actual ornaments, like a little dish and a wooden cat thing.
RYAN (V.O.) That’s weird.
LAURA (V.O.) I know. So I was like, ‘are you alright?’ and he was like ‘no’.
RYAN (V.O.) Course he’s not. He’s fiddling with ornaments at 3am.
LAURA (V.O.) I know, but it’s polite to ask. 74.
MATTHEW turns to face her. He is holding back tears.
LAURA (V.O.) And then he said ‘OK, so you know a few months back I told you I was bi- sexual?’
RYAN (V.O.) Which you did.
LAURA (V.O.) Which I did, so I said ‘yes’. And then he said ‘Well, I'm not. I'm gay. I'm gay. I'm sorry.’
RYAN (V.O.) And what did you say?
LAURA (V.O.) I told him I thought it was a ‘bold move for the marriage’ but it was OK because he ‘still fancied me’.
MATTHEW stares at her sorrowfully. The reality of the situation begins to dawn on LAURA.
LAURA (V.O.) But then he just stared at me and kept repeating ‘I’m gay’, ‘I’m gay’, ‘I’m gay’
BACK TO PRESENT:
82INT. BEDROOM. NIGHT. 82
RYAN And did you not see that coming?
LAURA Well, looking back now, I guess I can sort of see the signs, but-
RYAN Did his boyfriend give him away?
LAURA No. At the time I... That was such a dad joke.
RYAN I know, I'm sorry. So what, you just had to stop everything? I guess you would have. 75.
LAURA Well, we had a house together and everything so, at first I was like, 'we can still live here... we can be mates', and all of that but, it didn't really work out.
FLASHBACK:
83EXT. CAFE. DAY. 83
MATTHEW sits at a table with a coffee and off-camera LAURA.
LAURA (V.O.) I mean, I was fine but I think he found the whole thing difficult.
CUT TO:
Reveal LAURA at the other side of the table crying her eyes out, surrounded by tissues. MATTHEW looks on, concerned.
BACK TO PRESENT:
84INT. LIVING ROOM. NIGHT. 84
LAURA is seated.
LAURA We're still in the process of selling the house but, I'm back with my mum for now. If none of that happened then I would have been getting married next week.
RYAN So... You turned him gay? I’m joking. I was joking.
LAURA stands and play-punches RYAN repeatedly.
RYAN (CONT’D) Ay, don’t mess with me.
LAURA continues. RYAN stands and throws her onto the beanbag.
CUT-AWAY to RYAN'S phone flashing with incoming calls from DON’T CALL OR TEXT!
RYAN (CONT’D) Do you need to get to your mates? 76.
LAURA Nah, they’ll be fine.
RYAN Really? You wanna stay for a bit?
LAURA Yeah, if... that’s alright?
RYAN That’s amazing.
LAURA struggles to sit up, RYAN hoiks her up to standing. She walks across the room to investigate the bookshelf. RYAN looks at her bum, in awe of its voluptuousness. From the front, unseen by RYAN, LAURA’s walk is duck-like - bizarre, chest puffed out and bum awkwardly protruding with the intention of displaying it to the spectator. This is a trick she can only pull off from one angle.
LAURA So, is that your only ex then? No other women I have to fight off?
RYAN You’re gonna fight them?
LAURA Yeah, why not? That cheating one sounds like she needs a punch in the face.
RYAN Well...(mocking) I'm kind of a big deal. No. There haven’t been many.
LAURA (flirtatious) Right. And how many is not many?
RYAN looks about awkwardly.
LAURA (CONT’D) Are you just making up a number?
RYAN What? No, I’m just trying to remember...
LAURA You’re gonna lie! 77.
RYAN OK, how many have you had then? (beat) See, now you’re gonna lie.
Knock at the front door. RYAN looks at LAURA.
LAURA It's not gonna be for me.
RYAN No, it’s gonna be Dan. He’ll probably wanna speak to you. He’s been drinking, so... don’t believe what he says.
Another knock. RYAN looks at her - apprehensive.
LAURA Just go get him! I won't judge you. Honestly. I’ve already judged you.
The pair smile. RYAN exits, closing the door behind him. LAURA smiles to herself.
85INT. HALLWAY. NIGHT. 85
RYAN approaches the front door.
RYAN (shouted) Where are your keys?
RYAN opens the door. TUFTS, a beautiful brunette woman in her mid-twenties, wearing a seductive black dress, holds champagne and a gift.
TUFTS (warm, cheeky) You made me give them back. (beat, pleading) Please don’t shut the door, I just want you to hear me out.
RYAN (quietly, in disbelief) What are you doing here?
TUFTS I'm came to see you. I've called like nine times, you didn’t pick up. I understand why you didn’t, I just... Can I come in, please? 78.
RYAN No, I'm... on my way to bed.
TUFTS No, please I’ll be ten minu- five minutes. Max.
RYAN Don’t call/ me Max.
TUFTS (joining in) You Max. Yes, I remember. Can I talk to you?
TUFTS trembles in the cold night. RYAN glares at her. TUFTS takes the initiative and walks into the house. RYAN hurriedly shuts the door and guides her into the kitchen.
86INT. KITCHEN. NIGHT. 86
TUFTS stands in the centre of the room, wobbly on her feet. RYAN closes the door behind them.
TUFTS Where’s Dan?
RYAN Out.
TUFTS holds out a delicately wrapped present. Tears form in her eyes.
RYAN (CONT’D) Are you OK?
TUFTS (crying) No, I’ve... sorry, I’ve drank some wine. All the wine. But I needed to see you. James and I broke up.
RYAN (sarcastic) Aw! I loved you guys.
TUFTS (laughing through tears) You didn’t. 79.
RYAN (suddenly serious) No, that's right, your union destroyed my life and put me on anti-depressants for six months.
TUFTS I’m so sorry, Ryan. I shouldn’t ever have done that to you. I fucked up. Massively. I love you.
87INT. LIVING ROOM. NIGHT. 87
LAURA is fondly studying a photo of a baby contained within a snow-globe.
88INT. KITCHEN. NIGHT. 88
RYAN watches TUFTS as she stumbles around the room.
TUFTS I keep thinking about you. Hoping I’ll bump into you and, what I’d say. I know that sounds pathetic and I know I was a shit back then. But I'm not that person anymore. I would never do that. I'm... calmer now. I'm less selfish... I have brown hair. (RYAN looks bemused) I know you always had a thing for brunettes so...
RYAN OK, look, now is a really bad time.
TUFTS creases into a stream of tears. Her emotional outpouring disturbed by a noise from the next room.
TUFTS Is that Dan? I thought he was out.
RYAN He is. Just give me a sec.
RYAN leaves.
89INT. LIVING ROOM. NIGHT. 89
RYAN pokes his head around the door to find LAURA inspecting the snow-globe. 80.
LAURA Hey. Look, I found a baby Ryan.
RYAN Er, no. That came with the frame.
LAURA looks at him affectionately, believing this a lie.
RYAN (CONT’D) Genuinely. I don't know that baby.
LAURA Oh. Are you OK?
RYAN Yeah, erm, that's not Dan in there, it's... my Dad and.. he's in a pretty bad way.
LAURA Oh, should I go? I should go.
RYAN No, no. Don’t go now. He'll see you. Can you just wait here? I can get him to leave.
LAURA No! You don't have to do that-
RYAN No, it’s fine, it’s fine. I’ll just be... two minutes... OK?
RYAN exits, closing the door. LAURA stands, redundant.
90INT. RYAN’S KITCHEN. NIGHT. 90
TUFTS is sat on a chair, wiping her tear-stained face and composing herself. RYAN enters and watches her.
TUFTS (seductive) Hello.
RYAN Hello. Erm, listen, I'm really grateful for you coming over here and saying all this. Can I give you a ring tomorrow? When it's sunk in?
TUFTS You not gonna open your present? 81.
TUFTS looks to the gift wrapped on the counter.
RYAN I'll open it tomorrow.
TUFTS (standing to retrieve it) Do it now. You'll like it!
RYAN Please stop shouting.
A vulnerable TUFTS holds out the gift. RYAN grabs it and tears off the paper. It's a framed photo of TUFTS and RYAN at a party. Other people are in the background.
TUFTS Do you like it?
RYAN (studying it) Is that James?
TUFTS W - Yeah, I couldn’t find any other photos of us together. Look, Ryan.. (walking to him) I don’t know what else to do. What do you want me to do? Just tell me. Let me make it up to you and I will. Please just give me a chance. I won’t fuck it up this time. Ever. I promise you. Hey, we could watch The Godfather? Trilogy! (kneeling before him) You know today would’ve been our anniversary? I could... give you... your present?
RYAN stares at her - totally lost.
RYAN (apologetically) I promise I’ll call you tomorrow.
TUFTS nods in understanding and flops to the floor, defeated. RYAN looks about, exasperated as TUFTS tries to scramble to her feet.
RYAN (CONT’D) (putting his hand out) Here, come on.
TUFTS pulls herself up and stumbles into the hall. 82.
91INT. HALLWAY. NIGHT. 91
TUFTS Can I use your toilet a sec? Before I go?
RYAN No. (beat, TUFTS stares at him) It’s broken.
TUFTS Well, what about your toilet?
RYAN That’s also broken.
TUFTS looks at him disheartened. This is an obvious lie.
RYAN (CONT’D) It's the water level. There's something wrong with the water and the toilets won't fill- the toilets are broken. Honestly.
TUFTS How do you go to the toilet?
RYAN (searching for a clue) We use the sink. Or McDonald's. Depends on the number.
An uncertain-looking TUFTS makes her way into the kitchen.
92INT. KITCHEN. NIGHT. 92
TUFTS walks to the sink. She kicks off her heels and lowers her knickers to her ankles in a pathetic, vulnerable manner. RYAN looks on in horror as she pulls herself up. Staring RYAN dead in the eye, TUFTS urinates into the sink. The sound of her urine hitting the metal rings loud.
TUFTS I miss you.
RYAN gives a polite smile and looks away, mortified.
TUFTS (CONT’D) Look at me. Please. I never loved him. I only stayed because I hated myself for what I did to you and... 83.
Upstairs, a toilet flushing sounds out and ADAM descends the stairs.
TUFTS (CONT’D) I hated myself for it. That look on your face...
ADAM (to RYAN and TUFTS) Alright?
RYAN acknowledges him with a nod before looking back to TUFTS.
TUFTS I will never forget that look.
TUFTS shakes herself to ‘dry off’.
93INT. LIVING ROOM. NIGHT. 93
ADAM enters leaving the door open behind him.
ADAM (to LAURA) Alright?
ADAM continues through out of the back door. LAURA can now see into the hall.
94INT. KITCHEN. NIGHT. 94
Standing up, TUFTS steps out of her underwear and leaves them on the floor.
TUFTS You can keep them.
She picks up her bag and shoes and walks out of the kitchen. RYAN follows.
95INT. HALL. NIGHT. 95
LAURA looks out into the hall to see TUFTS exit the kitchen. RYAN approaches and puts an arm around her (to lead her out). LAURA looks confused and heartbroken, then sees TUFTS’ face as she leans in to kiss RYAN.
LAURA Beth!? 84.
BETH (TUFTS) Laura?!
LAURA (descending the stairs) What are you...? How... How did you know I was here?
BETH I didn’t. Why are you here? (to RYAN) Why is she here?
LAURA Do you know Ryan?
RYAN Do you two know each other?
BETH Yes.
RYAN I... are you two in this together? Is that what this is? What is this?
LAURA Oh my god. You're Ryan Ryan? (To BETH) He's Pissy Ryan? Oh my god!
BETH Are you two on a date?
RYAN Whoa, why am I Pissy Ryan?
BETH Nothing, you're not- why/ are you
RYAN (to LAURA) Why did you say Pissy Ryan and she say yes?
BETH It's... That night you got drunk and pissed the bed. Are you two-
RYAN What..? That night three years ago? That night, are you talking about? That happened one time, one time. 85.
BETH You pissed the bed loads of-
RYAN And one other time. Right? Ever since then it's been... dry nights. Dry nights Ryan, should be what you call me.
BETH Are you two on a date?
LAURA (beat, guilty) No. Not anymore.
BETH (to RYAN) This your way at getting back at me, is it?
RYAN No. I’m not- I don’t know what’s happening. (Beat) What’s happening?
LAURA Beth is... who I was out with on Friday. Is this your ex? Beth?
BETH I can’t believe this.
LAURA Beth, I didn't know this was Pissy Ry- Dry nights Ry- RYAN!
RYAN How do you know each other?
BETH storms off to the living room. LAURA rushes to follow.
LAURA Beth? Beth!
96INT. LIVING ROOM. NIGHT. 96
Both women stand in the living room. RYAN bursts in.
LAURA Beth, I didn't know. I wouldn't have come here if I knew who he was. You know I wouldn't. 86.
BETH No, it’s fine, it’s OK, I’m fine. Honestly I’m, you two carry on, I’ll get out of the way. Let you have your little sex party.
LAURA (angry, to RYAN) Why did you say it was your Dad?
RYAN (to LAURA) I didn't mean to lie, I didn't know what I was supposed to say.
BETH (sarcastic) Ha! This is going well then.
LAURA What you're supposed to say is- (calmer) Look, I should go.
BETH No, stay. (to RYAN) That what you want is it?
LAURA Beth, don’t.
BETH No, it’s OK. I’ll let him choose. Pick one.
LAURA I’m gonna go.
BETH Don’t go. Clearly you are who he wants. Now. (to RYAN) Unlike last week, when you were texting me. Asking if I was alright, saying goodnight, like you have done, pretty much every week for the last two years. Telling me you love me and miss me.
LAURA goes to walk away.
BETH (CONT’D) (reading from her phone) 'Just listened to 'Man Who Can't be Moved' made me think of you'. (MORE) 87. BETH (CONT’D) Here's another 'Missed you today, still can't find a girl that compares'.
The front door opens and drunken laughter sounds. They all look. A second later, a drunken DAN enters with TALI.
DAN Oi! Oooooii, Brethren! Ryan! This is Tali. And Tali teaches yoga! Tali this is Ryan.
TALI (studying people’s footwear) Is it shoes, or no shoes?
DAN (totally drunk) And this is Tufts. Ryan's ex, who cheated on him in this very room, interesting fact. That’s why we don’t have a couch anymore.
BETH My name is Beth.
DAN Yeah, but once, she shaved off all her pubes and they grew back in theses little tufts. I didn’t see it but, Ry said it was pretty grim.
BETH shoots RYAN a look of hatred.
TALI (incredibly polite) Hello.
DAN And... (looks at LAURA) Now this girl I have never met, but Ryan is trying to shag her.
An awkward silence falls upon the room.
DAN (CONT’D) And over there is Abel.
Everyone turns to see ADAM make his way through the room and out towards the hallway, his movements painfully slow.
DAN (CONT’D) Everyone, this is Tali. 88.
BETH How long has this been going on?
LAURA Nothing's been going on. We only met... last Friday.
BETH Last Friday? When you were out with me? To cheer me up? Thanks.
LAURA You left!
BETH I was upset.
DAN Do these two know each other?
RYAN Seems like it.
DAN (playful, silly tone) Say whaaaaat?!
BETH So, you took me out, let me go and pulled my ex? Good plan.
LAURA Why are you making out like this was planned? I didn't know he was your ex, and maybe we could have realised this earlier if you had actually bothered to ask me about this date tonight. If you had called me-
BETH Oh, yes! You mean earlier? When you sent me a message asking for an emergency phone call because - and I quote - it's desperately needed? And I'm not making this up - look.
BETH scrolls through her phone to find said message. She shows it to RYAN.
LAURA Put your bastard phone away! 89.
BETH slides her phone back into her pocket. ADAM enters carrying BETH's knickers.
ADAM Are these anyone’s?
BETH lunges, grabbing them from ADAM's hand. ADAM winks to RYAN and leaves. RYAN looks to LAURA - her face like thunder.
BETH steps into her knickers.
RYAN (to LAURA) That looks so much worse... and oddly, so much better than/ it really is.
LAURA I don’t believe this. Beth, I'm not gonna argue over this. I barely know the guy and clearly you two have a lot to go through so, I'm gonna go.
RYAN No, Laura, it honestly didn't-
LAURA Ryan! (Suddenly calm) I’m done with this, OK? I have wanted someone who wanted something else for years. And it doesn't work. OK?
LAURA exits. The camera stays on RYAN’s sorry face.
97INT. HALL. NIGHT. 97
LAURA grabs her things. A series of QUICK FLASHBACKS depicting her memories, now with revised understanding.
FLASHBACK:
98INT. BAR. LAST FRIDAY NIGHT. 98
LAURA Are you having a good night?
RYAN No, not really.
LAURA Right. 90.
RYAN I thought I saw...
FLASHBACK:
99EXT. BUS STOP. EARLIER THAT NIGHT. 99
RYAN ...my ex just kinda got with my best mate, now ex best mate, when I was seeing her...
BACK TO PRESENT:
LAURA Fuck’s sake.
100INT. LIVING ROOM. NIGHT. 100
BETH, RYAN and DAN stand in confusion, listening to TALI.
TALI Because I was always like, a raisin is a raisin, it's its own fruit. And then Dan said it's actually a shrivelled-up grape. And I was like: “What?!” Did you know this?
DAN smiles awkwardly.
RYAN Laura...
LAURA enters the living room.
LAURA (angry) At least I went out with you that night Beth, which is more than I can say for you when me and Matthew broke up. Where were you then?
BETH You knew he was gay. Everyone knew. You only stayed with him because you were scared. It was pathetic.
LAURA How was I/ scared? 91.
BETH Because you are. Too scared to have a real relationship because you're too scared of getting hurt. No wonder you tried to run off tonight. And now you're taking it out on me.
LAURA (realising) You're not my friend, Beth. You’re not a friend to anyone. And it's a shame someone like Ryan is gonna end up with someone like you.
LAURA walks out.
BETH Bye!
The front door slams. BETH slumps onto the chair and exhales in relief. RYAN looks towards the front door. Long pause.
ADAM Women are fucking crazy.
BETH (trying to appear calm and collected) Not all of us. She is. I’m not. Anymore. (to RYAN) Are you OK, bubba?
RYAN W- erm, yeah. Sure. All normal.
BETH Don’t worry about it.
RYAN About what?
BETH Being on a date with my mate.
RYAN I’m not. You’ve been seeing one of my mates for the last two years. I hardly/ gonna
BETH OK. We all know what happened, Ryan, but it's over now, OK? (MORE) 92. BETH (CONT'D) I'll get some champagne. (to TALI) Would you like champagne? It’s also made from grapes?
TALI (rolling a cigarette) No, I better not, I’m pregnant.
BETH stands and leaves without acknowledging TALI. RYAN slumps onto the bean bag, his head in his hands. BETH bangs around in the kitchen. A long, silent pause.
DAN (To Tali) What?!
BETH (O.S.) Ryan! Where are the flutes? Ryan! I can't find the champagne flutes.
RYAN looks at the photograph of a young RYAN, BETH and JAMES. He absentmindedly plonks it onto the bookshelf. It precariously wobbles on the edge. BETH appears in the doorway.
BETH (CONT’D) Babe? Where are the glasses?
Shoe-less, confident and relaxed, BETH looks ‘at home’.
RYAN We don’t have any.
BETH You have no glasses?
DAN (knowing) I’ll get you a glass if you want?
RYAN Don’t!
BETH Why?
RYAN We don’t have any glasses!
DAN Please let me give it to/ her. 93.
RYAN No!
BETH Babe, what is..? I don’t get this, you send me texts, you sent me flowers, you pretty much beg me to get back with you and now I’m here it’s like/ you don’t-
RYAN I sold my fucking couch, Beth! And now you’re back here like nothing happened and looking for glasses.
BETH What is the issue with these glasses?
The framed photo of RYAN and BETH falls from the bookshelf and smashes on the floor. RYAN glares it...
FLASHBACK:
101INT. BAR. LAST FRIDAY NIGHT. 101
A GANG OF ROWDY LADS mess around in a corner, their animated gesticulations causing a framed picture to fall from the wall and smash on the floor. RYAN and LAURA look over.
RYAN Takes me back to my uni days... utter carnage.
LAURA Come on, another...
RYAN Ok, goblin... erm, where are you from?
LAURA (demonic rasp) Dublin.
RYAN fights to hold back hysterical laughter.
RYAN OK, er, how did you leave the club earlier? 94.
LAURA (demonic rasp) Stumblin’.
RYAN and LAURA burst out laughing.
RYAN How do you find the current situation in Syria?
LAURA (thinks...same demonic rasp) Troublin’.
RYAN And... How... No, what was it like receiving the Nobel Peace Prize?
LAURA glares at RYAN, totally confused. RYAN leans in and whispers into her ear. LAURA jumps back, ready to continue.
LAURA (demonic rasp) Humblin’.
The pair fall about laughing.
RYAN Our greatest creation: the Dublin Goblin.
BACK TO PRESENT:
BETH collects the pieces of the broken frame. RYAN stands, suddenly sure of himself.
RYAN (CONT’D) You know, all those messages and calls I sent you... you didn’t reply to one. Not a single one.
BETH I know, look, babe if this is gonna work, you have to move on.
Those words resound. RYAN and DAN share a look.
RYAN Yeah, I have. From you. 95.
102EXT. RESIDENTIAL STREET. NIGHT. 102
LAURA walks with purpose following the blue dot. A text comes through from ‘MUM’
MUM See...? Told you it was real!!! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E7I QpvFuKzI
LAURA clicks the link and is taken to a Youtube video entitled ‘GENUINE Bigfoot/Sasquatch Sighting Captured On Film!!’ She quickly closes the tab.
103INT. RYAN’S LIVING ROOM. NIGHT. 103
BETH You’re not actually doing this? Are you actually doing this? One date with my mate and suddenly you’re the big man? I came here for you-
RYAN You came for yourself. Because James left you. Laura’s right.
BETH I’m n- Laura’s an idiot, Ryan.
RYAN Well she’s an idiot who doesn’t make me feel totally shit about myself all the time.
BETH Still an idiot though.
RYAN Come on. Please get out. Please leave.
RYAN walks to the hall. BETH follows him.
DAN (To TALI, drunk yet definitive) I will raise that child as my own.
TALI I’m not really pregnant. But thanks. 96.
104INT. HALLWAY. NIGHT. 104
RYAN stands at the door. ADAM sits on the stairs.
BETH Ryan, if you kick me out, you’ll never have me back. I promise you.
RYAN Deal.
RYAN opens the door, BETH steps out. LAURA walks by following the ‘blue dot’.
105EXT. RYAN’S HOUSE. NIGHT. 105
VOICE FROM LAURA’S PHONE Head southwest.
LAURA (angry, to BETH and RYAN) Where is southwest?!
BETH Fine. (she walks down the path) OK, you've made your choice, Pissy Ryan. I’m sure you and Miss I’d- rather-be-married-to-a-gay-guy will be very happy, you certainly fucking deserve each other.
BETH turns and gives LAURA a smug smile. LAURA inhales and punches BETH in the face. It's a rubbish punch.
BETH wails hysterically, totally disproportionate to what just happened. BETH doubles over ‘in pain'. LAURA looks victorious.
LAURA (to RYAN) She did deserve a punch in the face.
LAURA looks down at BETH, now crouched in a ball, and kicks her, gently toppling her over.
ADAM WOOHOO!
RYAN (smiling) Laura? 97.
LAURA Which way is south fucking Southwest? (She points) That way?
BETH stands and straightens herself out.
BETH Well, you can wave bye to your job.
LAURA You don’t have the authority to sack me, Beth.
BETH No, but Marion does and I’m/ gonna-
LAURA Marion hates you. She hates you.
BETH storms off up the street. RYAN, ADAM and LAURA watch.
LAURA (CONT’D) (shouted to BETH) Marion loves me! (to RYAN, making to leave) So it’s that way?
RYAN Laura. Wait. Laura, I'm so sorry for... all of that. I didn't mean to lie to you, she just turned up and I didn't know what I was supposed to do. It just came out of my mouth, I don't even know what... That just got so out of hand.
LAURA (disinterested) OK.
RYAN No, no, it's obviously not. I...
LAURA (referring to BETH leaving) What happened?
RYAN (referring to the night’s events) I don’t know! (realising what she means) Oh. I told her to leave. (MORE) 98. RYAN (CONT'D) (Beat) Laura, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean for any of this. I... Look I know this has got to be like, the worst date ever.
LAURA (laughs) I don't think this counts as a date anymore.
RYAN No?
LAURA shakes her head. RYAN looks deflated. LAURA shivers.
RYAN (CONT’D) Shit. Do you want... a jacket or-
LAURA No, I’m fine.
RYAN Look, I don't know which way south west is... It’s probably that way, but... will you come in? Please? Just for one minute. I know I/don’t
LAURA Do you love her, then?
RYAN No! No, honestly, no. I did, and then I thought I did but... Not anymore. No.
LAURA remains unconvinced.
RYAN (CONT’D) And so you know... those knickers-
LAURA Don’t.
RYAN (said FAST to get his point across) She just took them off, I didn't ask her to, nothing happened.
TALI and DAN approach the door and stand behind ADAM. 99.
RYAN (CONT’D) I'm telling you the truth. I don't love her. I... Please will you come inside, just let me explain?
ADAM Come inside, Laura!
TALI Yeah, come in!
RYAN Guys, please? Stop talking.
LAURA gives a slight laugh and walks towards the door.
RYAN (CONT’D) (moving everyone) She's coming in, she's coming in!!
DAN and TALI cheer as LAURA steps inside.
RYAN (CONT’D) Guys?
ADAM, DAN and TALI scuttle away. RYAN closes the door.
RYAN (CONT’D) Thank you. So much. Do you want a drink? I've got champagne. Genuinely. Still in a cup but the calibre of drinks has skyrocketed in here. Do you want one?
LAURA Yes, I’ll have one.
RYAN Great.
LAURA follows RYAN into the kitchen.
106INT. KITCHEN. NIGHT. 106
RYAN grabs the champagne and begins to unscrew the cork.
RYAN (gesturing) Cups are in there.
LAURA Okidoke. 100.
LAURA opens the cupboard and looks inside.
RYAN Now, you will notice I did give you the best cup earlier.
RYAN pops the cork. LAURA retrieves cups from the cupboard. One depicts a woman in a bikini (which would dissolve with heat), the other has 'I'm a TWAT' written across it.
RYAN (CONT’D) A fine choice, and we know whose is whose, yeah?
He pours champagne into the 'TWAT' mug and hands it to LAURA.
RYAN (CONT’D) I’m joking.
LAURA No, I’ll take it.
LAURA takes it. RYAN pours himself the other mug. LAURA raises her cup to him.
LAURA (CONT’D) To Streep.
RYAN Always to Streep.
They clink mugs and drink.
RYAN (CONT’D) (with a cheeky smile) How’s the champagne?
LAURA (demonic rasp) Bubblin!! (they laugh) THE GOBLIN!! I thought you’d forgot!!
RYAN I didn’t forget. (an affectionate smile) I’m glad you can’t read maps.
LAURA It’s just the first bit. 101.
RYAN I didn't want you leaving thinking I was... an even worse Ryan than Ryan the rabbit.
LAURA How do you know about my rabbit?
RYAN Because you kept going on about him. That’s all you spoke about. For hours. Genuinely.
LAURA Oh. I don’t know why, he was a shit rabbit.
RYAN Don’t say that now.
The pair laugh. They share a look and lean in for a kiss. Half way through the snog, LAURA yawns.
LAURA I’m so sorry./ I didn’t mean to.
RYAN That good, am I?/ Are you tired? (she nods) Is this a date again?
LAURA I don’t think we should ever date.
RYAN That would be ideal.
ADAM (O.C.) That’s sweet.
LAURA and RYAN turn to see ADAM leaning against the sink, watching on fondly whilst rolling a cigarette.
ADAM (CONT’D) (genuine) That’s some really nice stuff.
LAURA (to RYAN) Should we... go upstairs? 102.
107INT. LANDING. NIGHT. 107
LAURA and RYAN approach the top of the darkened staircase, holding in their laughter. Muffled sounds emanating from DAN’s room cause the couple to pause and listen intently.
DAN (O.S.) Now, you might not enjoy this, but my god you’ll remember it.
LAURA and RYAN glare at each other in amused disbelief.
TALI (O.S.) What is wrong with you?
DAN (O.S.) No, wait! It was a joke!
LAURA and RYAN giggle. A thud and smash sound out. LAURA looks to RYAN with an intrigued expression.
TALI (O.S.) Eurgh, what is that? Is that piss? You’re disgusting.
TALI’s footsteps thud across the room towards the door. Just in time, the pair scramble into RYAN’s room, out of sight.
108INT. RYAN’S BEDROOM. LATE NIGHT. 108
LAURA and RYAN sit side-by-side in bed. In front of RYAN is a plethora of condoms which he studies.
RYAN Right, we’ve got Banana, or it might just be yellow. One that makes everything burn?
LAURA Not that one.
RYAN Don't like them either, (he throws it on the floor) erm, ribbed or glow in the dark? I'd prefer if my cock doesn't glow, to be honest.
LAURA Any. Banana.
RYAN sweeps all other condom packets onto the floor. LAURA laughs. RYAN opens the packet and, again, studies it, unsure of which way around is correct. 103.
LAURA (CONT’D) I’ll do it.
LAURA disappears under the cover. She fits the condom on RYAN with her mouth, this takes a few seconds.
LAURA (O.C.) (CONT’D) No, it is just yellow.
LAURA comes back above the cover. RYAN gets on top of her. After some mandatory fumbling, he's in. RYAN begins thrusting hard on top of LAURA. After a few moments... LAURA pulls a face of strain, clearly tensing her pelvic muscles for all they are worth. As she does so, RYAN’s face tenses up and his movements come to a complete stop. A worried expression descends over his features.
LAURA looks at him, waiting. RYAN, maintaining no eye contact, begins to thrust, painfully slowly.
LAURA (CONT’D) Erm... Ryan?
RYAN (still thrusting) Yep?
LAURA Did you er, have you... finished?
RYAN Erm... yeah, but I can carry on, it’s fine.
Thrusting continues.
LAURA It’s fine. We can stop. Ryan. Stop.
Thrusting ceases. RYAN disengages and lies next to Laura. The pair lie next to each other.
RYAN Sorry about that.
LAURA No, it was... fine. It was much better than last time.
RYAN It was. So imagine next time. 104.
LAURA kisses RYAN's arm and snuggles in. He beams.
CUT TO:
109TIME LAPSE MONTAGE 109
Of RYAN and LAURA having sex throughout the course of their relationship.
The camera pans around them on the bed as we watch them having sex into the future: their sexual positions escalate from missionary to the increasingly challenging and impressive.
RYAN’s bedroom is redecorated to be more ‘feminine’ and LAURA’s possessions are littered around, denoting that she has moved in. We watch as:
LAURA wears an array of ‘sexy’ lingerie / they experiment with recording themselves and taking ‘sexy photos’.
The room changes as if the couple have moved house. The ‘neutral’ decor is far more conservative and mature. Slightly older now, LAURA dances for RYAN in her bridal lingerie / the couple dabble with BDSM in which they both look extremely uncomfortable / the pair have a threesome with ADAM.
The room changes again to include a child’s cot. The couple cease from having sex to feed, cuddle and tend to their crying child. As the child becomes a toddler, it has a permanent space sleeping in between the parents.
With the child now out of the room, RYAN and LAURA return to sporadic vanilla sex, interspersed with nights where they cuddle and fall asleep.
As the camera completes its journey to the other side of the bed, we see a darkened room in which a light emanates from a laptop. RYAN, once again, is watching hentai porn as LAURA sleeps next to him.
LAURA I know you’re watching Pikachu porn.
RYAN frantically minimises the tab.
RYAN I was checking my emails.
THE END.