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ANY RESEMBLANCE a Play in Two Acts

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ANY RESEMBLANCE a Play in Two Acts ANY RESEMBLANCE a play in two acts Any Resemblance 2. SYNOPSIS Stanley Curson, a small time Hollywood actor, has hit a rough patch: he’s broke, his wife has left him, and he is emotionally unable to file his side of the divorce papers. Out of the blue, he gets a recurring role on a TV show and is pulled into the strange orbit of Amy Star, a flirtatious and charismatic celebrity who is (in splashy media style) going through her own marital woes. In no time, Stanley becomes Amy’s mentor, confidante, therapist, father figure, and possible new boyfriend, placing him at serious odds with Amy’s movie star husband, Chad Finch. As his ex-wife’s cat provides a hilarious commentary, Stanley bounces from one crazy Hollywood situation to another until he is cast aside like a scene on the cutting room floor. He finally files those damn papers and gets on with a life that benefits mightily from a Hollywood education. Any Resemblance 3. CAST OF CHARACTERS Stanley Curson, a frequently unemployed actor, about 44, who wry, analytical, self-deprecating, and ready for a change. Chad Finch, a self-absorbed movie star who is not the sharpest tool in the shed. This actor also plays Friend, Someone (Scenes 15 and 50), Security 2, Matt, Tronson Pike, Umpire, and Tow Lot Guy. Officer Kawasaki is with the LAPD. He is very conservative, politically. He needn’t have Asian features. This actor also plays, Client, Manager AKA Jim, Mike, Batter, Man at Play, and the Minister, an older man who is itching for fight. Sergeant Doyle of the LAPD surveys the crime scene at Stanley’s home. His interpretation of the law is odd. The actor also plays Security 1, Director AKA John, Teammate 1, Waiter, Neighbor (an off stage voice in scene 59), Paparazzi 1, Cabbie, and The Hat, who is basically a hit man. Amy Star, about 22, a is beautiful, talented, and troubled TV star. You fall in love with her instantly, which is a blessing and a curse. The actor also plays Agent, Dale, and Terry (Scene 59). Jillane is a brassy TV star. Think Reba McEntire plus Roseanne. The actor also plays Doctor, Teammate 2, Heather, Jane, Another Woman at Play, Harriet, Marian (Stanley’s ex- wife), Officer, William, and Monica, a young woman from the San Fernando Valley who puts a question mark at the end of everything. Kitten is a regular mongrel cat who hates change and isn’t afraid to let it be known. The same actor plays Angela, Donna the 1st AD, Inez, Runner, Woman at Play, Paparazzi 2, and Sarah. Carol Brown is in her 30s and is a nosy neighbor. The same actor portrays JD, Newton, Beth, Autograph Seeker, Reporter AKA Paparazzi 3, Liz, and Joan. The ensemble should be prepared to portray theatre patron extras, TV crew extras, and softball extras, etc. TEASER She’s famous. He’s not. She loves him. Now what? Any Resemblance 4. ANY RESEMBLANCE ACT ONE 1. NARRATION (Lights up. The stage is bare though chairs and modular pieces are used to suggest locations. The lights change between some of the scenes, but mostly the actors simply transform the space.) (STANLEY CURSON addresses the audience. He is between 41 and 44, 5’10”, average looking.) STANLEY. In this story, I have changed the names to protect the innocent, as they used to say on Dragnet. I changed the names of some locations and TV shows, too. There’s one event that I made up and I will alert you to that later. How the media didn’t make a big deal out of this story I don’t know. I can only speculate that some of the people in this story are universally beloved and therefore have some kind of bad publicity immunity. Like the Beatles. We know the Beatles slept with a ton of girls, yet we’ve only ever heard one or two of them come forward and say anything because they were very happy to keep their mouths shut about the few pleasurable memorable hours they spent with a charismatic figure of near god-like status, the exception being a German woman who claimed Paul McCartney was the father of her daughter, and you can’t really blame her if she needed the money. Now it could also be that the media pleaded indifference to the story since I am one of the characters and I am not famous nor “loved by millions”. I am just a guy. And I spent time with “a national treasure,” “a rare talent,” and “the girl the world has a crush on.” It is summertime and it is beautiful in Southern California. When I work, it isn’t hard. I have friends and I get to play softball a lot. Naturally, I am miserable. For the past two months, I have been driving up and down Ventura Boulevard, past the Low Cost Legal Clinic, finding excuses not to take them these documents relating to my divorce. (Lights change.) 2. STANLEY’S CAR Any Resemblance 5. (Stanley drives.) STANLEY. Aw, geez, there’s no parking. (He turns the car around. Blackout.) 3. STANLEY’S CAR – ANOTHER DAY (Lights up. Stanley drives.) STANLEY. This traffic is insane. (He turns the car around. Blackout.) 4. STANLEY’S CAR – ANOTHER DAY (Lights up. Stanley drives.) STANLEY. The sun is in my eyes. (He turns the car around. Blackout.) 5. LEGAL CLINIC/NARRATION – ANOTHER DAY (Lights up left. ANGELA is 22, self-conscious, and apologetic.) ANGELA. I’m sorry, Mr. Curson, the clinic requires you to submit a copy of last year’s taxes. STANLEY. (Aside) I have developed a pattern of accidentally on purpose forgetting some document… ANGELA. …notarized settlement… STANLEY. (Aside) …so I could… ANGELA. …stop by next week. STANLEY. (Aside) Still, my excuses were getting weaker. (In scene) Angela, I was going to drop this off last week but you weren’t here. I don’t trust it to anyone else. ANGELA. I was at the dermatologist. STANLEY. (Aside) I then regaled Angela with the story of “My Battle with Childhood Acne,” which is not the best way to show how cool you are. (Lights change.) 6. STANLEY’S CAR (STANLEY gets out of the car. He has the divorce documents.) Any Resemblance 6. STANLEY. (Sadly) Well, this should only take a few minutes. (Happily) I don’t have any change. (Sadly) Shit! Time on the meter. (His cell phone rings.) 7. STANLEY’S CAR/AGENT’S OFFICE STANLEY. (Answering phone) Stanley Curson. (On another part of the stage, the AGENT appears, wearing a headset, her back to the audience.) AGENT. Stanley, you’ve got 2 episodes as Mr. Womack on Fish Out of Water. Can you be at wardrobe for a fitting in an hour? STANLEY. Can I? (He gets in the car and happily turns around as before. Blackout.) 8. NARRATION (Lights up and he stands.) STANLEY. Yes, I appear on television. You remember television. That is the thing you used to watch with your family and talk about with your friends at school the next day. At one time television was a great unifier, and we all had something in common. Now it’s the Tower of Babel, and you have to work hard to find the people who like the same things you do. Your friend says, (FRIEND enters.) FRIEND. My favorite show is Men and People. STANLEY. I haven’t heard of it or the channel it is on. FRIEND. We’re not friends anymore. (His former FRIEND exits.) STANLEY. On TV, whenever they need a guy to yell at the star, they call me. (Doorbell rings. Lights broaden.) 9. STANLEY’S HOME (STANLEY opens the door. CAROL BROWN, neighbor busybody, enters.) CAROL. Hi, Stan. Any Resemblance 7. STANLEY. Hi, Carol. CAROL. Hi, I hear you got a part on TV. STANLEY. Yes, Carol, I did. CAROL. Congratulations. Could you sign this petition for the neighborhood watch committee? STANLEY. Sure...I didn’t know we had a neighborhood watch. CAROL. This would start it. STANLEY. Who’s on the committee besides you? CAROL. What kind of part do you have? STANLEY. The same part I always have. (Kind of an aside) It doesn’t matter if I am a lawyer, a doctor, or a clerk in a magic shop. The lines are always the same. (Three quick transformations follow. Bell.) 10. CRIME SHOW (CAROL exits as CLIENT enters.) CLIENT. I am going to represent myself. STANLEY. (As attorney) That’s crazy. CLIENT. I am going to use your office. STANLEY. Get out of here. CLIENT. I have to do this. STANLEY. Why? (Bell.) 11. DOCTOR SHOW (CLIENT exits as DOCTOR enters.) DOCTOR. Doctor, you’ve got to listen to me. STANLEY. (As doctor) Get out of here. DOCTOR. We can save Tisha’s life if we decrease the dosage of phenophemital. STANLEY. That’s crazy. DOCTOR. Don’t you want to know why I want to save this girl’s life? STANLEY. Why? (Bell.) 12. ANOTHER SHOW (DOCTOR exits as STORE OWNER enters.) STANLEY. (As clerk) That’s crazy. STORE OWNER. You’re crazy. STANLEY. Get out of here! STORE OWNER. I will not get out of here. STANLEY. Why? Any Resemblance 8. STORE OWNER. (Talks for a page) Because this is my magic shop. And as ridiculous as it may seem, people need magic in their lives. That was good enough for my dad and… (STORE OWNER continues “dumb show” talking). STANLEY. (Aside) The line I have had most often is “Why?” Invariably, when I say, “Why?” the star talks for a page.
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