ANY RESEMBLANCE a play in two acts
Any Resemblance 2.
SYNOPSIS
Stanley Curson, a small time Hollywood actor, has hit a rough patch: he’s broke, his wife has left him, and he is emotionally unable to file his side of the divorce papers. Out of the blue, he gets a recurring role on a TV show and is pulled into the strange orbit of Amy Star, a flirtatious and charismatic celebrity who is (in splashy media style) going through her own marital woes. In no time, Stanley becomes Amy’s mentor, confidante, therapist, father figure, and possible new boyfriend, placing him at serious odds with Amy’s movie star husband, Chad Finch. As his ex-wife’s cat provides a hilarious commentary, Stanley bounces from one crazy Hollywood situation to another until he is cast aside like a scene on the cutting room floor. He finally files those damn papers and gets on with a life that benefits mightily from a Hollywood education.
Any Resemblance 3.
CAST OF CHARACTERS
Stanley Curson, a frequently unemployed actor, about 44, who wry, analytical, self-deprecating, and ready for a change.
Chad Finch, a self-absorbed movie star who is not the sharpest tool in the shed. This actor also plays Friend, Someone (Scenes 15 and 50), Security 2, Matt, Tronson Pike, Umpire, and Tow Lot Guy.
Officer Kawasaki is with the LAPD. He is very conservative, politically. He needn’t have Asian features. This actor also plays, Client, Manager AKA Jim, Mike, Batter, Man at Play, and the Minister, an older man who is itching for fight.
Sergeant Doyle of the LAPD surveys the crime scene at Stanley’s home. His interpretation of the law is odd. The actor also plays Security 1, Director AKA John, Teammate 1, Waiter, Neighbor (an off stage voice in scene 59), Paparazzi 1, Cabbie, and The Hat, who is basically a hit man.
Amy Star, about 22, a is beautiful, talented, and troubled TV star. You fall in love with her instantly, which is a blessing and a curse. The actor also plays Agent, Dale, and Terry (Scene 59).
Jillane is a brassy TV star. Think Reba McEntire plus Roseanne. The actor also plays Doctor, Teammate 2, Heather, Jane, Another Woman at Play, Harriet, Marian (Stanley’s ex- wife), Officer, William, and Monica, a young woman from the San Fernando Valley who puts a question mark at the end of everything.
Kitten is a regular mongrel cat who hates change and isn’t afraid to let it be known. The same actor plays Angela, Donna the 1st AD, Inez, Runner, Woman at Play, Paparazzi 2, and Sarah.
Carol Brown is in her 30s and is a nosy neighbor. The same actor portrays JD, Newton, Beth, Autograph Seeker, Reporter AKA Paparazzi 3, Liz, and Joan.
The ensemble should be prepared to portray theatre patron extras, TV crew extras, and softball extras, etc.
TEASER
She’s famous. He’s not. She loves him. Now what? Any Resemblance 4.
ANY RESEMBLANCE
ACT ONE
1. NARRATION
(Lights up. The stage is bare though chairs and modular pieces are used to suggest locations. The lights change between some of the scenes, but mostly the actors simply transform the space.)
(STANLEY CURSON addresses the audience. He is between 41 and 44, 5’10”, average looking.)
STANLEY. In this story, I have changed the names to protect the innocent, as they used to say on Dragnet. I changed the names of some locations and TV shows, too. There’s one event that I made up and I will alert you to that later.
How the media didn’t make a big deal out of this story I don’t know. I can only speculate that some of the people in this story are universally beloved and therefore have some kind of bad publicity immunity.
Like the Beatles. We know the Beatles slept with a ton of girls, yet we’ve only ever heard one or two of them come forward and say anything because they were very happy to keep their mouths shut about the few pleasurable memorable hours they spent with a charismatic figure of near god-like status, the exception being a German woman who claimed Paul McCartney was the father of her daughter, and you can’t really blame her if she needed the money.
Now it could also be that the media pleaded indifference to the story since I am one of the characters and I am not famous nor “loved by millions”. I am just a guy. And I spent time with “a national treasure,” “a rare talent,” and “the girl the world has a crush on.”
It is summertime and it is beautiful in Southern California. When I work, it isn’t hard. I have friends and I get to play softball a lot. Naturally, I am miserable. For the past two months, I have been driving up and down Ventura Boulevard, past the Low Cost Legal Clinic, finding excuses not to take them these documents relating to my divorce.
(Lights change.)
2. STANLEY’S CAR Any Resemblance 5.
(Stanley drives.)
STANLEY. Aw, geez, there’s no parking.
(He turns the car around. Blackout.)
3. STANLEY’S CAR – ANOTHER DAY
(Lights up. Stanley drives.)
STANLEY. This traffic is insane.
(He turns the car around. Blackout.)
4. STANLEY’S CAR – ANOTHER DAY
(Lights up. Stanley drives.)
STANLEY. The sun is in my eyes.
(He turns the car around. Blackout.)
5. LEGAL CLINIC/NARRATION – ANOTHER DAY
(Lights up left. ANGELA is 22, self-conscious, and apologetic.)
ANGELA. I’m sorry, Mr. Curson, the clinic requires you to submit a copy of last year’s taxes. STANLEY. (Aside) I have developed a pattern of accidentally on purpose forgetting some document… ANGELA. …notarized settlement… STANLEY. (Aside) …so I could… ANGELA. …stop by next week. STANLEY. (Aside) Still, my excuses were getting weaker. (In scene) Angela, I was going to drop this off last week but you weren’t here. I don’t trust it to anyone else. ANGELA. I was at the dermatologist. STANLEY. (Aside) I then regaled Angela with the story of “My Battle with Childhood Acne,” which is not the best way to show how cool you are.
(Lights change.)
6. STANLEY’S CAR
(STANLEY gets out of the car. He has the divorce documents.)
Any Resemblance 6.
STANLEY. (Sadly) Well, this should only take a few minutes. (Happily) I don’t have any change. (Sadly) Shit! Time on the meter.
(His cell phone rings.)
7. STANLEY’S CAR/AGENT’S OFFICE
STANLEY. (Answering phone) Stanley Curson.
(On another part of the stage, the AGENT appears, wearing a headset, her back to the audience.)
AGENT. Stanley, you’ve got 2 episodes as Mr. Womack on Fish Out of Water. Can you be at wardrobe for a fitting in an hour? STANLEY. Can I?
(He gets in the car and happily turns around as before. Blackout.)
8. NARRATION
(Lights up and he stands.)
STANLEY. Yes, I appear on television. You remember television. That is the thing you used to watch with your family and talk about with your friends at school the next day. At one time television was a great unifier, and we all had something in common. Now it’s the Tower of Babel, and you have to work hard to find the people who like the same things you do. Your friend says,
(FRIEND enters.)
FRIEND. My favorite show is Men and People. STANLEY. I haven’t heard of it or the channel it is on. FRIEND. We’re not friends anymore.
(His former FRIEND exits.)
STANLEY. On TV, whenever they need a guy to yell at the star, they call me.
(Doorbell rings. Lights broaden.)
9. STANLEY’S HOME
(STANLEY opens the door. CAROL BROWN, neighbor busybody, enters.)
CAROL. Hi, Stan. Any Resemblance 7.
STANLEY. Hi, Carol. CAROL. Hi, I hear you got a part on TV. STANLEY. Yes, Carol, I did. CAROL. Congratulations. Could you sign this petition for the neighborhood watch committee? STANLEY. Sure...I didn’t know we had a neighborhood watch. CAROL. This would start it. STANLEY. Who’s on the committee besides you? CAROL. What kind of part do you have? STANLEY. The same part I always have. (Kind of an aside) It doesn’t matter if I am a lawyer, a doctor, or a clerk in a magic shop. The lines are always the same.
(Three quick transformations follow. Bell.)
10. CRIME SHOW
(CAROL exits as CLIENT enters.)
CLIENT. I am going to represent myself. STANLEY. (As attorney) That’s crazy. CLIENT. I am going to use your office. STANLEY. Get out of here. CLIENT. I have to do this. STANLEY. Why?
(Bell.)
11. DOCTOR SHOW
(CLIENT exits as DOCTOR enters.)
DOCTOR. Doctor, you’ve got to listen to me. STANLEY. (As doctor) Get out of here. DOCTOR. We can save Tisha’s life if we decrease the dosage of phenophemital. STANLEY. That’s crazy. DOCTOR. Don’t you want to know why I want to save this girl’s life? STANLEY. Why?
(Bell.)
12. ANOTHER SHOW
(DOCTOR exits as STORE OWNER enters.)
STANLEY. (As clerk) That’s crazy. STORE OWNER. You’re crazy. STANLEY. Get out of here! STORE OWNER. I will not get out of here. STANLEY. Why? Any Resemblance 8.
STORE OWNER. (Talks for a page) Because this is my magic shop. And as ridiculous as it may seem, people need magic in their lives. That was good enough for my dad and…
(STORE OWNER continues “dumb show” talking).
STANLEY. (Aside) The line I have had most often is “Why?” Invariably, when I say, “Why?” the star talks for a page. STORE OWNER. …one of the fundamental differences between this country and Communist China.
(STORE OWNER exits.)
STANLEY. (Aside) So I often have my lines memorized before I get the script. I just don’t have them in the right order. It took me a long time to realize that when people ask—
13. STANLEY’S HOME – AS BEFORE
(STANLEY at the door with CAROL.)
CAROL. What kind of part? STANLEY. (Continuing the aside) They do not want to know what kind of part. They want to know: CAROL. Are you the lead? STANLEY. Because that would make me a star which would place me closer to God, and if I am not the lead-- CAROL. How many lines do you have? STANLEY. --because a lot of lines would place me close to the star, which would place them one step closer to God than they are now, and everyone wants to be closer to God. Just ask those women who slept with Paul McCartney.
(KITTEN enters. Yes, the cat is played by an adult woman. No Eartha Kitt cat ears. The essence of a cat, rather than its outer trappings, is required.)
KITTEN. Where is Mommy? CAROL. Marian left the cat? STANLEY. Yeah. CAROL. That’s too bad. KITTEN. I do not like change! STANLEY. (To CAROL) Oh, it’s okay. KITTEN. I hate you, Daddy.
(All exit but STANLEY as lights change.)
14. NARRATION
Any Resemblance 9.
STANLEY. Okay. As you have heard, I’ve landed a guest star role on Fish Out of Water, and Fish Out of Water was not the real name of the show. I will not tell you the real name of the show. You will figure it out and you will feel smart and I will protect the privacy of some innocent people. Here on the set of Fish Out of Water, the star was Jillane Johnson, a comedienne whose simple country ways make her a proverbial fish out of water in the big city.
15. NARRATION/SOUNDSTAGE FOR FISH OUT OF WATER
(JILLANE JOHNSON, 40, whose hair is dyed a very expensive shade of red, enters and poses.)
JILLANE. You couldn’t find a hole in the ground if it was your ass.
(JILLANE exits.)
STANLEY. In reality, Jillane was a shrewd businesswoman and politician. I think she should have spent more time learning her lines than wrestling with the producers and writers over the script, but she seemed to thrive on the negotiating. Acting was like doing the dishes to her: it was boring and was best left to someone who knows what they’re doing.
(AMY enters. She is 22-24, blonde, perky, and fun.)
STANLEY. Amy Star, who played Jillane’s sister, knew what she was doing. A quirky, naturally gifted woman with a lot of charisma.
(STANLEY overhears AMY’S phone conversation.)
AMY. (On phone) You thought we were on a break? We are married. We Are Married. This is crazy. I don’t understand why you are doing this. This cannot be happening, this cannot be happening...Chad, don’t do this...please don’t do this.
(SOMEONE dashes on and snaps her photo while she is weeping. The SOMEONE is chased off by DONNA, the first assistant director, as the lights change.)
16. NARRATION
(STANLEY watches AMY exits.)
STANLEY. Poor kid. Okay. On this particular episode of Fish Out of Water, I played the new boss of Jillane’s sister. Just so you know, prior to the read-through Any Resemblance 10.
on that Wednesday, I had never met Amy, Jillane, or any one else on the show. I only knew them from seeing them on TV, and, like everyone who appears on TV, I do not watch the TV shows I appear on, so it is more accurate to say I knew Amy and Jillane from those TV shows about TV shows where I learned, like the rest of America, that Amy had a tempestuous marriage with Chad Finch, the movie star.
(Transformation begins around “rest of America”. Lights broaden.)
17. SOUNDSTAGE FOR FISH OUT OF WATER
(The DIRECTOR AKA JOHN, AMY, STANLEY, JILLANE, and DONNA the 1st AD, et al. have gathered around a table for a read through.)
JILLANE. The scene doesn’t work. DIRECTOR. (Forced optimism) I think it can be better. Why don’t we leave it as is and move on? JILLANE. I think we should solve it now.
(JILLANE storms off.)
DIRECTOR. I’ll have to call Mike. DONNA. On a ten.
(The DIRECTOR gets on the phone.)
AMY. Thanks for doing the show. STANLEY. You’re welcome. I’m really glad to be here. (Aside) She stood just a little too close to me, which was intimidating in a good way. AMY. What should we do with our scene? I don’t have time to digest what Jillane says and then I have to start talking to you. STANLEY. I’ll give you a few seconds. It’s better when you go slower, anyway. AMY. That’s a great idea. STANLEY. (Aside) I kept reminding myself she was (a) an actor whose gifts included making you forget she was an actor and, (b) an actor who gave her greatest performances in life, but when she said, AMY. (A rewind) “That’s a great idea.” STANLEY. It seemed like she really meant it. AMY. I was just over-analyzing it. STANLEY. I never do that.
(The DIRECTOR gets off phone. JILLANE and others return casually, but tension in the air.)
DONNA. And we’re back. Any Resemblance 11.
DIRECTOR. Okay, they’re working on that scene of yours, Jillane. Any Resemblance 12.
JILLANE. Do I hafta do everything? I enter and say something funny. I get Sis back on track with some wisdom that’s homespun but funny. Then I do the crying jag and say something funny and exit. What’s so fucking difficult?
(She exits. Extremely cold silence.)
DIRECTOR. Duly noted. Let’s take it from after Jillane’s exit when Mr. Womack comes on.
(AMY goes to her place. She waits and does business of “figuring things out” before STANLEY enters.)
STANLEY. (As Mr. Womack) Hey, get out of here. AMY. (As Sister) I’m not leaving until you hire me. STANLEY. That’s crazy. DIRECTOR. Cut! Cut! Stan, where were you? Amy’s standing out there with nothing to do. You’ve got to enter quicker. Comedy is fast, you know?
(The scene transforms. All reconfigure for Scene 19.)
18. NARRATION
STANLEY. The show shot on Tuesday. I was glad because I play ball on Wednesday night.
19. MULTIPURPOSE ROOM
(The cast fills out the room as necessary.)
STANLEY. At dinnertime on Tuesday, the shoot day, the cast and crew have a catered meal in a multipurpose room. The wardrobe department sits with the wardrobe department. The cameramen sit with the other cameramen. The writers sit with the writers. What’s that remind you of? That’s right. High school. Except the food is a lot better than the stewed tomatoes you had in high school. (A side note) I never had stewed tomatoes before I entered high school. I haven’t had them since. (On point) The day players like me sit with each other like foreign exchange students who don’t have any friends.
(AMY enters with a tray of food.)
AMY. Mind if I join you? STANLEY. Well, you’ve been in People Magazine, and the law in California says you can only eat with other people who have appeared in People magazine, so, as long as you know you are breaking state law, yes. AMY. Thank you. Any Resemblance 13.
(She sits down and picks at a salad. STANLEY has something heavy, like turkey and lasagna.)
STANLEY. Also, just so you know, if you are seen sitting at the marching band table, you can get kicked off the cheer leading squad. AMY. I was in marching band! STANLEY. So was I, so your secret is safe with me. AMY. I played the flute. What did you play? STANLEY. The trombone. AMY. Really? STANLEY. I thought it was obvious. AMY. I wanted to say I am sorry John yelled at you. STANLEY. It’s okay, I’m used to it. Sometimes you talk like that to other people when something else is bothering you. AMY. He is under a lot of pressure. He really knows comedy. I’ve learned a lot from him. STANLEY. He can’t yell at the cameramen. He can’t yell at the producers. He can’t yell at the extras; they would interpret it as a display of affection. He can’t yell at Jillane. AMY. Oh, no. She can have him killed. STANLEY. Exactly. AMY. He could yell at me. STANLEY. He can’t yell at you. I’ll kill him. He has to yell at me. I’m the only one he can yell at. AMY. Anyway, I’m sorry. STANLEY. Thank you...I wanted to say...well, it’s a longer day for you than it is for me...I mean, I’m sorry, I don’t envy what you’re going through. AMY. Thanks, I kind of lost it a little when I got a phone call from my husband...we’re separating. Maybe you heard about it. STANLEY. I only get PBS at home, so I have no idea what you’re talking about. AMY. You’re the only one. STANLEY. I mean, of course I know what you’re talking about, and, I’m going through it, and I’m really sorry. AMY. You said that already. STANLEY. Before I was saying I was sorry about the pressure of the show. Now I’m saying I’m sorry about your divorce, and now I’m saying I’m sorry for saying I’m sorry, and now I’m going to eat my dinner, because my face will not form words if it is stuffed with food. AMY. The show’s fun to do. It’s everything else that’s...you know. (She takes some food off his plate. He looks at her.) Oh, I’m sorry. STANLEY. It’s okay. AMY. I’m not supposed to...just have to watch my weight...I’m sorry...I guess I’m a little more nervous about the show than I said I was. Any Resemblance 14.
STANLEY. Well, the good news is if you say one more “sorry,” your sorrys will cancel out my sorrys and we’ll be even.
(AMY laughs.)
STANLEY. (Aside) She laughed like I was a Comedy Genius. If you are a trombone player, you basically never get tired of cheerleaders laughing at your jokes. (She laughs again.) It was at that precise moment that I fell in love with her.
20. NARRATION
(STANLEY alone.)
STANLEY. We shot the show. The finest comedy minds in America craft the best stories and jokes conceivable, but the biggest laughs come when the stars blow their lines. It makes them seem human, which is another thing we want to see in our God---a human quality that reminds we are made in His image. If God had no human qualities, He would be impossible to relate to. This is why there are not so many acolytes of The Golden Calf anymore…I am not allowed to blow my lines. Ironically, it reminds the audience that I am human and not a cyborg especially created to be a foil for the star. But since my lines are always the same, I don't really have a problem blowing them. I just have to get them in the right order. Amy blew her lines at one point and I have to admit it: it was adorable. If I blow my lines, I will taken out behind the studio commissary and executed by firing squad. Yes, it’s legal in Hollywood.
Any Resemblance 15.
21. NARRATION/SOUNDSTAGE FOR FISH OUT OF WATER
(Here, the rest of the cast presents a dumb show curtain call. STANLEY far right, JILLANE far left.)
STANLEY. At the end of the taping there is a curtain call and the warm up guy introduces you in ascending order of the number of lines you have. You're all there in a line and then you take a bow together, like you one big happy sitcom family.
I tried to find her but she had been swept up in a sea of writer-producers. They all told her she was great. It seemed to upset her.
(Blue out.)
22. EXT. THIRD BASE DUGOUT ON A SOFTBALL DIAMOND
(Lights up. MATT begins speaking offstage. The rest of the team, including Jim the MANAGER, enters one at a time and sit on the back of the bench, feet on the seat, leaning against the dugout/clubhouse fence. Clearly, it has been a bad inning. STANLEY is probably the last one on, now costumed in a jersey and hat.)
MATT. (Offstage) I mean catch the fucking ball...if you can’t, then you don’t belong there...you got to stay there and take the hit ‘cause that is what that is what it is about. I mean, God. MANAGER. Okay, let’s get ‘em back. TEAMMATE 1. Who’s up? MANAGER. Matt, Blade, Julio.
(By now the entire team is on. MATT talks to everyone and no one. STANLEY knows the message is meant for him. MATT is already at Level 6 Rage.)
MATT. ...the throw was there--defense wins the game...you can’t—-(demonstrates poor catching method)--You can’t flick at it like--you got to stay in there and move and slap the tag on him...fucking catch the ball.
(From right to left, the players on the bench are STANLEY, MANAGER, others, and MATT. Everyone indulges MATT as he blows off steam.)
MANAGER. You’re thinking too much, Stan. STANLEY. Yeah. MATT. If you have the balls to stand in there then we got him. We got him. Fucking. Catch. The. Ball. MANAGER. Matt, you’re up. MATT. Who’s up? Any Resemblance 16.
MANAGER. Matt, Blade, Julio.
(MATT crosses directly down of STANLEY, not looking at him.)
MATT. I mean what are we doing here? TEAMMATE 2. Who’s up?
(All but STANLEY depart so the scene transforms to…)
23. STANLEY’S HOME/NARRATION
STANLEY. (Aside) That was me having fun.
(KITTEN enters.)
KITTEN. That was you making four errors in one inning. STANLEY. Yes, Kitten, I remember. KITTEN. I like Matt because he hates you.
(The scene transforms.)
24. STUDIO GUARD SHACK/STANLEY’S CAR
(SECURITY GUARD 2 checks STANLEY’s trunk while SECURITY GUARD 1 gets him his pass.)
SECURITY 1. Pop the trunk, please, sir. Can I see some ID? STANLEY. Yes. SECURITY 1. What are you doing on the show? STANLEY. I am playing a character named Mr. Womack. SECURITY 1. Welcome back to the lot, Mr. Curson. STANLEY. Thanks, I am glad to be here. SECURITY 1. You know where to go. STANLEY. Yes, thank you. SECURITY 1. Level 4 or above. STANLEY. What’s with all the security? My car didn’t get this much attention at the factory. SECURITY 1. Too many “deliverymen” who have video cameras.
25. OUTSIDE THE SOUNDSTAGE
(Outside the soundstage, JD, the production stage assistant, arrives on a bicycle.)
JD. Mr. Womack. STANLEY. Hi, JD. JD. Welcome back. STANLEY. Thanks, I am glad to be here. JD. Did you get the new script? STANLEY. (Looks at script) The Stanley Curson Show. Is that the right one? Any Resemblance 17.
(JD doesn’t get it. Then he does. The scene transforms.)
26. THE SOUNDSTAGE
(DONNA the 1st AD approaches. They are near craft services.)
DONNA. Welcome back, Mr. Womack. STANLEY. Thanks, I’m glad to be here, Donna. DONNA. You remembered. STANLEY. Well, my lines are always the same, so there is plenty of room in my brain. DONNA. Any trouble getting on the lot? STANLEY. I thought the strip search was excessive. DONNA. We’re gonna read the rewrite in about 10. Then we’ll rehearse in scene order. Me or JD will find you. The oatmeal is great. Welcome back.
(She exits. STANLEY gets a cup of coffee. The producer MIKE enters. You get the sense he is trying to cover up his nervousness with small talk.)
MIKE. Mr. Womack! Welcome back. STANLEY. Thanks, Mike, I am glad to be here. MIKE. We almost pushed this episode, but the network wanted another strong Amy B Story. STANLEY. Hey, the sooner we shoot it, the sooner I get paid and the sooner I go back on unemployment. MIKE. (Not listening) Did you get the most recent script? STANLEY. I think so. MIKE. We’ll make sure you have the most recent script. We had to rewrite it last night. You know, feed the lead. STANLEY. I understand. MIKE. Most of your lines are the same. STANLEY. I’m sure they are. MIKE. I’m hungry. STANLEY. The oatmeal comes highly recommended.
(JD enters.)
JD. Jillane is here. MIKE. Welcome back.
(JD and MIKE exit.)
STANLEY. Thanks, I am glad to be here.
(AMY enters talking on the phone.)
AMY. Do not tell me you love me. Do not tell me you love me. Okay, goodbye. Any Resemblance 18.
(She hangs up. She sees STANLEY and her eyes light up.)
AMY. Stan! STANLEY. Oh, hi, Amy. AMY. Everything okay? STANLEY. Yeah, I just wasn’t sure if you talking to me. AMY. Of course I’m talking to you.
(She kisses him and then stands too close to him. Other people on the set notice the kiss.)
AMY. I am glad you’re here. STANLEY. I am glad to be here. And I mean that. AMY. It’s been crazy. STANLEY. ‘Cause Jillane’s on the warpath? AMY. How’d you know that?
(JD returns. She checks her script against Stanley’s script.)
JD. Do you have the new script? STANLEY. Yes. JD. The producers want to be sure everyone has the new script. STANLEY. I have the new script. JD. Good morning, Amy. Do-- AMY. Yes, I have the new script. JD. Okay, just checking.
(JD exits.)
STANLEY. I just knew.
(She laughs and stands a little too close to him, maintaining some sort of body contact with him...like her hand on his arm.)
27. SOUNDSTAGE
(Action is continuous. AMY talks to STANLEY very intimately. In the following, italics = thoughts, possibly voice-overs.)
STANLEY. You must be really nearsighted. AMY. They fired John the director. STANLEY. You are standing too close to me. AMY. He was a jerk. STANLEY. Not that I’m complaining. AMY. He didn’t understand comedy. STANLEY. I am glad God invented nearsightedness. AMY. Jillane is ballistic. Any Resemblance 19.
STANLEY. I am having the most fantastic thoughts about you. AMY. (Tugs at her blouse) It makes me freak. STANLEY. You ought to eat something before we start. AMY. I’m fine. STANLEY. You can have some of mine, then. AMY. Okay.
(The scene transforms.)
28. SOUNDSTAGE – LATER
(MIKE, AMY, STANLEY, JILLANE, DONNA the 1st AD, et al., sit around the long table for a read through.)
STANLEY. (Aside) So read through begins and Jillane had the line... JILLANE. So I’m gonna get some career counseling, Mr. Womack. STANLEY. (As Mr. Womack) That’s crazy.
(JILLANE flips through pages.)
JILLANE. Okay, this is not what I have. (She throws her script across the room.)
STANLEY. (Aside) Once Jillane got the right script, things went smoothly...too smoothly...because you heard--
(Hysterical laughter from the cast and crew.)
STANLEY. I realize people wanted to keep Jillane happy but a line like-- JILLANE. You done me wrong. STANLEY. --cannot result in--
(Huge laughter.)
STANLEY. --unless it has been synthetically created by the threat of losing one’s job.
(Cast and crew applaud.)
STANLEY. But, for the time being, everyone was happy to praise the emperor’s new clothes.
DONNA. Thank you. We are on a ten, everybody.
(People disperse.)
AMY. (To STAN) Guess who I have to call.
(She exits. MIKE approaches.) Any Resemblance 20.
MIKE. Very funny, Mr. Womack. That’s just what I envisioned for that character. STANLEY. Thanks. I hope you don’t mind. People keep coming up to me and calling me Mr. Womack and I am just ad libbing answers as myself. MIKE. That’s funny.
(MIKE exits. NEWTON EXETER, who has attended the read through, approaches.)
NEWTON EXETER. Mr. Womack, that was very funny. Very funny. Newton Exeter. STANLEY. Thanks. Stanley Curson. (They shake hands.) NEWTON EXETER. Amy certainly likes you, Mr. Womack. STANLEY. What’s not to like? NEWTON EXETER. How long have you known Amy? STANLEY. Oh, let’s see. I guess it’s been a week. She should be getting tired of me any second now. NEWTON EXETER. Very funny. STANLEY. That’s just what this network needs.
(NEWTON’s phone rings. He waves goodbye and exits. Lights change.)
29. NARRATION
STANLEY. Later I learned Newton was in charge of new programming for the network. What can I say? I don’t read Variety. I read Civil War Anthology. The salient point is that I did not let it slip that I am not important....and I just want you to recognize that you just saw the height of the application of my Hollywood “power”.
(AMY enters as lights change.)
30. SOUNDSTAGE - LATER
AMY. How should I say, “Get out of here”? STANLEY. Don’t say it. AMY. Don’t say it? STANLEY. Yeah, because, it’s my line. AMY. Oh. (Laughs) I’ll trade you one of my lines. STANLEY. It’s a deal if you tell Jillane, the producers, and whoever’s directing now. AMY. No, thanks. STANLEY. (Aside) This woman has a lot of charisma.
31. MAKE UP TRAILER - LATER
(AMY is finishing up. HEATHER tends to AMY, who has her face in a magazine that has her on the cover.) Any Resemblance 21.
HEATHER. There. AMY. Heather! It’s perfect! What did you do? HEATHER. I didn’t do anything. You came in here this way. Are you trying to get me fired? (STANLEY enters. INEZ tends to him.)
INEZ. Hello, Mr. Womack. STANLEY. Hello, Inez. INEZ. How’s your week been? STANLEY. Taking my mind off my divorce. AMY. Okay, see you out there.
(She exits.)
INEZ. You shouldn’t joke about that. Amy’s getting a divorce. STANLEY. I wasn’t joking about her divorce. I was joking about my divorce. HEATHER. (Very dramatically) She had to get a restraining order.
(Transform to:)
32. SOUNDSTAGE – LATER
(We’re in the midst of the dumb show curtain call, duplicating the one in Scene 21. STANLEY is already in line. MIKE, acting as the warm- up comedian, introduces the cast.)
MIKE. Mr. Lump was played by Tronson Pike.
(TRONSON PIKE enters to applause. MIKE’s intros continue in dumb show.)
STANLEY. (Aside) Of course Amy got a big round of applause when she came out. It was little bigger than Jillane’s round of applause, but if people had booed Jillane and pissed on her, she would have heard it as abject adulation.
(People shake hands and say goodbye, in dumb show.)
STANLEY. I thanked Amy for a nice week. She kissed me on the cheek. What prompted me to say the next thing I said, I don't know, but I said it. In a way I am really glad I said it because it made my life very exciting for a little while. I said, (To Amy) “We'll have to get together some time.” (Back to aside) She smiled and laughed and was engulfed by the weekly tidal wave of producers. I went back to my dressing room and Any Resemblance 22.
got my briefcase and I went home to my apartment and my ex-wife's cat.
33. STANLEY’S HOME
(KITTEN hops on a chair or the couch.)
KITTEN. I hate you, Daddy. STANLEY. Kitten, please be quiet. KITTEN. You made Mommy go away. STANLEY. Mommy went away on her own. KITTEN. I threw up on the bed to spite you.
(Fade to blue.)
34. OFFICE/STANLEY’S HOME - SPLIT SCENE
(The phone rings. Lights up. MONICA tends to say everything as if it were a question. Not a Valley Girl, but pretty close.)
STANLEY. Hello. MONICA. Hello, can I speak to Stanley Curson? STANLEY. You are. MONICA. Hi, Stanley, this is Monica, Amy Star’s assistant. STANLEY. (Aside) Just a side note. As far as I could tell, “Amy Star's Assistant” was Monica's last name. In the time that I knew her, I never heard her use her last name, and I never saw it printed anywhere. (Aloud) Hello, Monica. MONICA. Amy can meet you for lunch on Friday. STANLEY. (Aside) I was stunned. Watch how I keep my cool. (Uncool) Wow? Really? That would be great. MONICA. You asked her out, right? STANLEY. Yes, I guess I did. MONICA. She has break from rehearsal at about one. We'll give you a drive on. Come to Stage 16. Do you know how to get here? STANLEY. Is it in the same place it was yesterday? MONICA. Excuse me? STANLEY. Yes, I know how to get there. I was on the show last night. MONICA. You were? STANLEY. I played the guy who yelled. MONICA. The guy who yelled? STANLEY. The guy who played her boss who yelled....The older guy who played her boss who yelled. MONICA. Mr. Womack? STANLEY. (Begrudgingly) Yes, I am Mr. Womack. MONICA. Could you hang on a second? Any Resemblance 23.
STANLEY. Yes. (Aside) On hold I listen to some deejays shoot their mouths off about Islam. The ripple of incredulity in Monica’s voice leads me to believe she and Amy had a conversation like this:
(Lights change.)
35. AMY’S DRESSING ROOM
MONICA. Amy? AMY. Yes. MONICA. Did you mean for me to call Stanley Curson? AMY. Yes, is he available? MONICA. He is the old guy that played Mr. Womack. AMY. Yes, I know. MONICA. Okay, I just wanted to be sure.
(Lights change.)
36. OFFICE/STANLEY’S HOME – AS BEFORE
STANLEY. (Aside) The DJs were doing a song parody called “Shake, Iraq, and Roll,” when Monica came back on the line. MONICA. Mr. Curson? STANLEY. Yes. MONICA. Amy has a break from rehearsal at about one. I'll get you a drive-on. You know where to come. STANLEY. Yes. MONICA. Okay, see you then.
(She hangs up. Lights change.)
37. STANLEY’S HOME
(STANLEY does a victory dance. KITTEN enters.)
KITTEN. You look like an idiot. STANLEY. I’ve got a date, Kitten. KITTEN. Get me some food. STANLEY. I thought you’d be happy for me. KITTEN. I’d be happy if you were dead. Then I could eat you.
(STANLEY gets cat food.)
STANLEY. Here you go. KITTEN. I hate this food. Get me different food. STANLEY. I will get you some different food. KITTEN. Put her in the book. Put her in the book! STANLEY. (Aside) Kitten is referring to the list I’ve kept of all the women I’ve been out with.
Any Resemblance 24.
(Three quick transformations follow. Bell.)
38. BAR – FLASHBACK
(STANLEY clinks glasses with beautiful BETH.)
BETH. Cheers, nice to meet you. STANLEY. Nice to meet you. BETH. Okay, I have to be honest with you. STANLEY. It’s not nice to meet me? BETH. I just broke up with someone a year ago and his name is Stan, too.
(Bell.)
39. STANLEY’S CAR - FLASHBACK
(STANLEY drives. Gorgeous DALE grabs his hand.)
DALE. Feel my stomach! I’m fat!
(Bell.)
40. RESTAURANT – FLASHBACK
(Lovely JANE and STANLEY are seated.)
JANE. We are married but we are separated but we live together but I date but he’s my manager. STANLEY. Check?
(Bell.)
41. STANLEY’S HOME - AS BEFORE
STANLEY. Amy and I haven’t been out, so it doesn’t count yet. KITTEN. You count everything! STANLEY. I do not. KITTEN. You counted the woman whose tire you changed! STANLEY. Yes, because she bent over and I could see her ass crack. KITTEN. Come on! STANLEY. That counts! KITTEN. Get me some other food.
(The scene transforms.)
42. GUARD SHACK/STANLEY’S CAR
(More security. STANLEY is searched.)
SECURITY 1. Sorry, Mr. Curson. Any Resemblance 25.
STANLEY. Level 4 or above? SECURITY 1. You have a drive on.
(The triumphant Fox movie fanfare plays to celebrate STANLEY’s new degree of status. The GUARDS kowtow in obeisance as he drives away. The scene transforms.)
43. OUTSIDE THE SOUNDSTAGE
(AMY scampers on.)
AMY. Hi! STANLEY. Hi. AMY. Let’s get out of here. Chad’s on the lot today and it would just like him to pop in at lunch. STANLEY. No one would even think to look for you in my car. AMY. I’ll drive.
44. AMY’S SUV
(AMY drives like a maniac and puts on make up. STANLEY hangs on for dear life.)
AMY. We have a really good script this week.
(Car horns honk angrily.)
AMY. Fuck you! But everyone is kind of on edge. STANLEY. And that is different...how.
(AMY points to a landmark.)
AMY. I am not religious or anything, but sometimes I go into that little church and pray. STANLEY. You can pray anywhere. Like, in a car. AMY. It is different because his crew and my crew have already been in two fights. It’s like. STANLEY. It’s like high school. AMY. Yeah, it’s like high school.
(Her tires squeal as she makes a crazy left turn and comes to an abrupt stop.)
AMY. You like sushi? STANLEY. This is a handicapped space.
(She puts a handicapped placard on the rear view mirror. Transform to…)
45. RESTAURANT
(A WAITER takes AMY and STANLEY’s order.)
Any Resemblance 26.
AMY. I just want the seaweed salad. What are you going to have? STANLEY. I think I want Sushi A. AMY. Get a California roll and the beef teriyaki, too. STANLEY. I will have sushi A, the California roll, and the beef teriyaki. WAITER. That’s a lot of food. STANLEY. I know.
(The WAITER exits.)
STANLEY. He thinks I don’t know it’s a lot of food. I know it’s a lot of food. AMY. Where were we? STANLEY. Learning. AMY. So I think Chad and I have learned all we could from each other, you know? STANLEY. I know. Does he drink? AMY. You mean drink? Or drink drink? STANLEY. I mean drink drink. AMY. No. (Laughs) If he drink drank he’d have killed me already. STANLEY. I drank. AMY. You mean drink drank? STANLEY. Yes. AMY. Did you hit her? STANLEY. No.
(Pause.)
STANLEY. I’m sorry. AMY. But I had affairs.
(The WAITER returns with all the food items. Awkward pause as it takes a while for him to put all the stuff on the table. The WAITER exits.)
STANLEY. Affairs plural? AMY. Yes. STANLEY. Still. AMY. My problem is sex. STANLEY. I don’t have that problem. AMY. I had an affair with John. STANLEY. The director of the show. AMY. Yes. STANLEY. That was dumb. AMY. I know. STANLEY. The director of a sitcom can’t do jack for you.
(She laughs. She continues dumb show talking. The WAITER returns, drops something off, and is aghast at something she says. He exits.)
Any Resemblance 27.
STANLEY. (Aside) I’m doing an aside now because I don’t want you to hear the specific sexual things she’s talking about, partly because they embarrass me, but also because if you have figured out who the real Amy is, then it would be ungentlemanly of me to repeat her preferences, which, I gotta admit, were pretty graphic for, well, I guess it was our first date. AMY. --ing his--- STANLEY. (Standing) But mostly because if the real Amy sees this play, she will know the play is about her and I will be in trouble. And I don’t want to be in trouble with her and her people.
46. RESTAURANT
(AMY joins the aside. They have a sort of aside duet.)
AMY. It is possible I never did those things and told you I did just to mess with you. STANLEY. I don’t think so. I think you told those things to me with the idea of “I don’t want to do those things again.” AMY. How did you know? STANLEY. I think you were setting the boundaries of what you would and would not do with me. AMY. That’s not what I mean. STANLEY. You mean, how did I know you didn’t want to do the things we didn’t do? AMY. How do you know I didn’t want to do the things we didn’t do? Maybe I said I didn’t want to do them so you would know what they were in the event that I really did want to do them. STANLEY. I don’t know. Do you want me to tell them the things that you said you did? AMY. That’s up to you. Can you live with the guilt of having revealed something so private?
47. RESTAURANT/NARRATION
(She teases him with a laugh and leaves the aside when AN AUTOGRAPH-SEEKER comes over. They sit down.)
STANLEY. She laughed at my jokes. She touched my hand. She smelled really good. She signed an autograph. I also signed an autograph since the autograph-seekers figured I must be someone. She ignored all her phone calls and her texts except one.
(The AUTOGRAPH-SEEKER exits.)
AMY. (On phone) You’re kidding. That’s crazy. Oh, honey, I’m so sorry. Okay, I’m on a date, can I call you later? Any Resemblance 28.
STANLEY. (Aside) When she said, AMY. (A rewind) “I’m on a date,” STANLEY. was the precise moment I fell in love with her. AMY. (Still on phone) Okay, okay, calm down. I love you, too. (Hangs up) That was Joan Dalrymple. She and Mickey are breaking up. STANLEY. Wow, your best friends. AMY. Well, Joanie and I are best friends. Mickey and Chad aren’t that close. STANLEY. She was great in that movie about the crazy girl. AMY. She’s really upset. STANLEY. You’re breaking up, and they’re breaking up, what are the chances?
AMY. Oh, it’s pretty predictable. They copy everything we do. We bought a couch, they bought a couch. The same couch. We got pregnant, they got pregnant. I got an abortion, you know. She’s great, though. Him, I don’t know...don’t get me wrong, he’s great on camera but...a lot of dumb people are...he doesn’t have much personality.
(Lights change.)
48. LEGAL CLINIC
(ANGELA and STANLEY.)
STANLEY. (On phone) Marian, it’s Stanley. I’m finishing up the paperwork now at the legal clinic. There’s some boxes of yours that I want out of the house, so come by and get them. Thanks.
(He hangs up.)
ANGELA. Okay, that should be everything, Mr. Curson. I’ll just make a copy of the marital settlement-- STANLEY. Oh, my God, I’ve got a game.
(He runs out.)
ANGELA. –agreement…and then—
(STANLEY takes stage, she exits, lights change.)
49. SOFTBALL FIELD/NARRATION
(Action in the following is in slow motion.)
STANLEY. We have an early game and we are short-handed and I play second base. The game is tied in the bottom of Any Resemblance 29.
the tenth. Their first two runners get on. Now all they need is a single and they win. The next batter does the worst thing he can do. He hits a hard ground ball to the third baseman, who fields it cleanly, steps on third and throws to me. Two outs.
(The RUNNER enters left and slides in slow motion.)
STANLEY. The next thing I know I am on my back and in the worst pain of my life. The runner has slid cleanly but I have hit the ground hard.
(STANLEY’S teammates, his MANAGER, and the UMPIRE gather around him. The RUNNER exits.)
STANLEY. It feels like I have been hit across the back by a two by four. Our manager says, MANAGER. Do you want to go to the outfield? STANLEY. “I DO NOT,” I say, partly because I am too proud, and partly because I know I can no longer run. (The team returns to position.) The next batter hits a fly ball to the outfield, where I would have been. The ball is caught by our manager, and the game ends in a tie. I must be a really good actor, because none of the guys ask if I am okay at the end of the game.
(The scene transforms.)
50. RESTAURANT
(AMY joins STANLEY at the table. She rubs his back. The WAITER pours water.)
STANLEY. When I got in the car, I started crying. AMY. Does it hurt? STANLEY. Yes. And I can’t believe I’m going to say this: don’t do that. AMY. I’m sorry. STANLEY. It’s okay. Nothing that a paste of pure Vicodin won’t cure. AMY. Wow. STANLEY. I am grateful in a way. Splitting up with Marian is really painful and I don’t know how to deal with it. At least this is a pain I can understand. AMY. I know what you mean. Before I married Chad, I dated this guy who would spank me, and it hurt, but I was really grateful.
(STANLEY does a spit take or the equivalent thereof. SOMEONE WITH A CAMERA bursts on and snaps off pix.)
STANLEY. Hey, hey, hey! You could ask!
Any Resemblance 30.
(The WAITER chases off the SOMEONE.)
AMY. Would you take me to a play? STANLEY. Sure. AMY. I am sick of doing TV. I like plays because it is somewhere between entertainment and education. Like when I had to go to traffic school and they showed the Michael Keaton film Clean and Sober instead of just repeating the legal blood-alcohol level in California. You know what I mean? STANLEY. Oh, yeah. I like going to a classic play and seeing the root of something that is in our culture. I don’t like seeing a popular play because by the time I see it, it has been absorbed by our culture, and I wonder what everyone was so excited about. AMY. You lost me. STANLEY. Well, it’s like when I saw Much Ado About Nothing in the park last summer. I thought, “There is something very, very familiar about Dogberry.” Then I realized I knew Dogberry as Deputy Sheriff Barney Fife. AMY. But Dogberry was played by Michael Keaton.
51. RESTAURANT
(They stand for an aside duet.)
STANLEY. I don’t think she understood what I was talking about. AMY. I didn’t. I don’t know who Barney Fife is and I don’t think anyone else does either. STANLEY. I thought so. AMY. It was nice of you not to mention it. STANLEY. You’re welcome. AMY. Did you have to mention the spanking thing? STANLEY. Don’t I get points for leaving out the other things? AMY. Okay, okay.
(They sit.)
52. INT. RESTAURANT - AS BEFORE
STANLEY. Okay. Some of my friends are in the story of Leopold and Loeb, the famous murderers. There is the all female version of Othello, where somehow Iaga is exonerated and she and Othello live happily ever after. And there's the Arthur Miller's After the Fall. AMY. None of that interests me. Let's see XYZ at the Famous Theater. STANLEY. (Aside) Now, I changed the name of the play and the theater or you will figure it out. Since, as we have already established, Hollywood is a lot like high school, I thought it was really stuck up of her to say, Any Resemblance 31.
AMY. (A rewind) None of that interests me.
(The scene transforms.)
53. ORCHESTRA SECTION/NARRATION
(AMY and STANLEY reset chairs. Entire cast enters and watches play with rapt attention as STANLEY narrates.)
STANLEY. Maybe she was more discriminating than me. Or maybe she looked at the time she invests in theatre as the money she'd invest in the stock market. I have to admire her for that. I just go, especially if my friends are in it.
We got to the Famous Theater to see the famous production of the famous play which had won the Most Serious Award. Well, it was a famous theater, it was a famous production, and it was a famous play. But there is no Most Serious Award. But everybody was acting like there was.
First of all, I know why the theater has to be subsidized. Because rich people, the ones who can afford the tickets, always get comps. You and I cannot get comps because we cannot afford to buy the tickets. I think Joseph Heller called that a Catch-22.
Amy had comps. You could hear the buzz of…
WOMAN. The artistic director got us comps. STANLEY. …and… MAN. We knew Bert when he wasn’t a star, STANLEY. …and my favorite… ANOTHER WOMAN. I used to have a subscription, but now I just call Lester on the board. STANLEY. Secondly, the audience was filled with famous people who were in the Famous Theater to see the famous production of the famous play. Add Matt Damon and subtract me and you’d have a Golden Globes show.
(The cast disperses and the scene transforms.)
54. AMY’S SUV - AFTER THE PLAY
(She drives kind of crazy; it is scary but also amusing.)
STANLEY. You know, I can drive next time. AMY. What did you think? STANLEY. I guess it was okay. AMY. I mean, what Billy was feeling...in the midst of all the poverty...It was very moving. Any Resemblance 32.
STANLEY. It didn’t make any sense to me. AMY. How can you say that? STANLEY. I didn’t believe it. AMY. You’ve got to be kidding me. Bert Delaney is the greatest interpreter of Muellar in America. STANLEY. Yeah, I read that in the program. But I was sitting with a lot of rich people watching other rich people pretend to be people who were poor. AMY. What’s wrong with that? STANLEY. There isn’t anything wrong with it. It just didn’t make any sense to me. I don’t need a rich guy telling me what it is like to be poor. I know. I am poor. AMY. I think you’re taking it too personally. STANLEY. Maybe. But I’m not the one who’s crying. AMY. I really liked it. STANLEY. Okay. AMY. I have been poor! So I related to it. STANLEY. Okay. I’m just saying I didn’t. And I am poor now. AMY. Whose fault is that?
(Pause. She stops the SUV.)
STANLEY. Well, good night. AMY. Yeah.
(He goes to kiss her on the cheek and she doesn’t move. He gets out and she drives away. Lights change.)
55. STANLEY’S HOME
(STANLEY enters. KITTEN awaits.)
KITTEN. I threw up, Daddy. STANLEY. Really, Kitten? What a surprise. KITTEN. What’s wrong, Daddy? STANLEY. I messed up. I shared my true feelings. What a dumb thing to do. KITTEN. I hate you, Daddy.
(She bounds off. Lights change.)
56. ENTERTAINMENT SHOW
(The set of an Entertainment Tonight-like TV show, staged in a special stage right to assist the designer in a set change. Also, STANLEY changes into softball attire at this time.)
REPORTER. XYZ received a standing ovation at the Famous Theater last night, though the stars in attendance nearly eclipsed the highly innovative production of Any Resemblance 33.
Muellar’s classic play. In attendance were Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson, Ellen DeGeneres and Portia DeRossi, and TV’s Amy Star. Estranged from Chad Finch, Amy was escorted by her father.
(Lights change.)
57. HOME PLATE
(While STANLEY the catcher speaks his thoughts, no one else reacts.)
(If an audience member is given a ball, STANLEY can encourage him/her to play the role of the pitcher and lob the ball on the stage. Otherwise, one of the actors has to get far downstage and toss it.)
(The BATTER and the UMPIRE act in slightly slow motion. This scene happens in an area isolated by lights to aid the set change.)
STANLEY. Nobody better mess with me tonight.
(The 1-1 pitch floats in. The UMPIRE signals “Ball 2” and STANLEY throws the ball back to the unseen pitcher.)
STANLEY. You know what? I wish someone would mess with me.
(The 2-1 pitch floats in. The BATTER takes it. The UMPIRE signals strike. Now it is 2-2. The BATTER, in dumb show, gives the UMPIRE shit. STANLEY throws the ball back.)
STANLEY. (To BATTER) Shut up, dumb fuck. You remind of my wife’s boyfriend. If I field your weak woman hit I am just going to throw it at you and say I thought it was kickball.
(The pitch floats in, the BATTER takes it, the UMPIRE calls, “Strike Three!” and the BATTER doesn’t like it. STANLEY rolls the ball to the mound. The BATTER moves menacingly toward the UMPIRE. Lights change abruptly.)
58. HOME PLATE
(Regular movement. Now we can hear the BATTER and the UMPIRE jawing, replete with manly swearing and threatening gestures. STANLEY gets in between them.)
STANLEY. Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.
Any Resemblance 34.
(Blackout.)
59. STANLEY’S HOME
(The phone rings in the dark. As lights come up, in a dazzling symbiosis of design and traffic management, everything that STANLEY created through space work is now actually there, surrounding him in amazing synchronization. STANLEY, still in his game attire, places the last of several white Stor-all ® boxes on outside the front door. KITTEN sits on the couch.)
KITTEN. Answer the phone, Daddy. STANLEY. Shut up, Kitten. KITTEN. Answer the phone, Daddy. STANLEY. Shut up, Kitten. KITTEN. Answer the phone, Daddy. STANLEY. You have to be quiet or there is going to be a war and it is a war you are going to lose. KITTEN. I hate you, Daddy.
(STANLEY answers the phone.)
STANLEY. Hello...hi, Amy...that’s okay, I think we just had different opinions about the play...I’ve already seen 4 more that were worse--is everything okay?
(Door bell. KITTEN runs off.)
STANLEY. Someone’s at the door. (He opens it. AMY is there.) You’re at the door. (Both hang up.) AMY. I have to talk to you. I need a big favor. STANLEY. Okay. AMY. (Noticing his attire) How’d you do? STANLEY. We won. There was a big altercation. AMY. Did you get in a fight? STANLEY. While the veil between war-making Stanley and peace-making Stanley is very thin, peace-making Stanley prevailed with the genius diplomatic jargon of “Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.”
(She sits and takes a deep breath and prepares to utter the request she has spent an hour composing. STANLEY is very concerned.)
STANLEY. Honey, what is it? AMY. Help me with my audition for XYZ. STANLEY. Is that it? AMY. What do you mean, is that it? This is very important to me. STANLEY. You make it sound like you’ve broken out of prison and can you hide out here for a while. Any Resemblance 35.
AMY. I am breaking out of prison. If I get this part, I can get away from Chad and just live and work in New York and I can quit working for Jillane. STANLEY. Yes, you should not be working at a dry-cleaners. You are meant for bigger things. I support you in your desire to quit the dry-cleaners. AMY. What are you talking about? I am talking about the fucking Jillane Johnson Show. STANLEY. You work on a TV show!? AMY. Yes! You know I work on a TV show! STANLEY. You don’t quit working on a TV show. You quit working at a dry-cleaners where the pay is lousy and boss is harassing you. AMY. I can’t stand it anymore.
(KITTEN enters. AMY pets her.)
KITTEN. Is this our new mommy? Is this our new mommy? STANLEY. Perhaps you did not hear me. Kitten, behave. KITTEN. Is this our new mommy? AMY. (Regarding the cat) It’s okay. STANLEY. You do not quit working on a TV show. Only one person in the history of entertainment has done that and lived to tell about it, and his name is David Caruso. And he is doomed to be himself.
(Door bell. KITTEN runs off. AMY helps herself to whatever is in the fridge.)
STANLEY. Why didn’t you tell me you had an audition for XYZ?
(STANLEY opens the door to reveal CAROL, the neighbor.)
STANLEY. Hi, Carol. CAROL. Hi, Stan. STANLEY. I’ve got company. CAROL. That’s what I wanted to talk to you about. I thought I saw Amy Star come in your house. AMY. Yes, you did. CAROL. Hi, I’m Carol Brown. AMY. Hi, Carol. CAROL. I didn’t know you two were friends. STANLEY. I don’t know why I didn’t mention it. AMY. Oh, yes, we’re very close. STANLEY. We’re working. CAROL. Well, welcome to our neighborhood. Any friend of Stanley’s is a friend of mine.
(CAROL exits. KITTEN enters.)
AMY. She seems nice. STANLEY. She is a human video surveillance system. Any Resemblance 36.
KITTEN. Daddy made Mommy go away. AMY. (To cat) I know, baby. STANLEY. Kitten, please.
(He claps his hands and KITTEN exits.)
STANLEY. Where were we? AMY. You were being really nice to me and you were helping me with my audition. STANLEY. Oh, that’s right, I was saying don’t quit your TV show. AMY. I need to have three characters. STANLEY. Don’t quit your TV show. AMY. They have to be funny. STANLEY. Promise me you won’t quit your TV show. AMY. I will not quit my TV show. STANLEY. They have to be funny but sustainable. AMY. (A voice) I could do the Tango Girl. STANLEY. That’s amazing. I swear to God you just grew an ass.
(KITTEN enters. Doorbell. KITTEN runs off. STANLEY opens the door. CAROL enters.)
CAROL. Stan— STANLEY. Carol, we are working here. CAROL. Oh, okay, I just wanted to give you my card. STANLEY. I already have your card. CAROL. Maybe Amy would like one of my cards. AMY. Sure, that would be great!
(KITTEN enters and gets on AMY.)
CAROL. You know, I am so on your side in this thing with Chad. AMY. Thanks. KITTEN. Please be my new mommy.
(STANLEY removes KITTEN.)
CAROL. If you want to sell Whitley Place, or if you want to buy something, give me a call. AMY. Thanks.
(STANLEY returns and opens the door, ushering CAROL out.)
STANLEY. Thank you, Carol. Good night.
(He closes the door.)
STANLEY. Okay, so you’ve got the Tango Girl. AMY. I am so nervous. Any Resemblance 37.
STANLEY. That’s okay. You can use it. You’ve got Tango Girl, and someone who is closer to yourself, so all you need is--
(AMY takes her clothes off.)
STANLEY. --okay, a stripper character...good idea. AMY. I can’t concentrate. STANLEY. Neither can I. AMY. It’s my B.O. STANLEY. Huh? AMY. When I get nervous, it’s like shit comes out my pores and I stink. I can’t help it. I’m sorry. Where is the shower? STANLEY. Over there some where.
(She exits. KITTEN enters. Doorbell rings. KITTEN exits. STANLEY answers the door.)
STANLEY. Carol, these interruptions are—
(But it is CHAD FINCH. He is about 30 and has everything going for him but humility.)
CHAD. Hi, I’m Chad Finch. STANLEY. I am Stanley Curson. CHAD. I need to talk to my wife. STANLEY. Now is not a good time. AMY. (Offstage) Stanley!
(AMY re-enters. You do the math.)
AMY. Where are the towels? STANLEY. In the linen closet in the hall. AMY. Thanks. Hi, Chad. CHAD. Hi.
(AMY exits. The guys look at each other.)
STANLEY. Now, this isn’t what it looks like. CHAD. I know what it is. STANLEY. I’m afraid you don’t. CHAD. She wanted to work on lines she got nervous and self- conscious about her body odor so she took off her clothes and got in your shower without even asking. STANLEY. Okay, you know what it is.
(KITTEN runs on and off.)
CHAD. You have a lot of cats. STANLEY. I have one cat. CHAD. Eventually, she’s going to sleep with you. STANLEY. Okay, I think it is time for you to leave. Any Resemblance 38.
CHAD. I need to talk to her. STANLEY. I don’t think that is a good idea.
(STANLEY opens the door. CHAD makes a move to go to the shower. STANLEY might put a hand up or CHAD pokes him on “I need to talk to her,” but, at any rate, STANLEY forces CHAD to exit. It isn’t pretty.)
STANLEY. Okay, okay, okay, okay. CHAD. (Offstage) Let go of me. STANLEY. (Offstage) Just calm down. CHAD. (Offstage) Just shut the fuck up, man! STANLEY. (Offstage) Okay, okay, okay, okay. CHAD. (Offstage) Ow! You hit me. STANLEY. (Offstage) I barely touched you. CHAD. (Offstage) Why did you hit me? STANLEY. (Offstage) I thought it would calm you down. CAROL. (Offstage) Hi, Chad, I’m Carol Brown.
(More shouting. KITTEN enters, goes outside for a second, and runs back on. AMY enters, wrapped in a bath towel. She shuts the door and locks it. She sits down and turns on the TV. KITTEN sits by her. There is more shouting and screaming offstage. CAROL and other NEIGHBORS besides Carol are watching.)
NEIGHBOR. (Offstage) Some guy is trying to kill Chad Finch!
(AMY watches TV. Someone tries to open the door. More shouting as lights fade to black.)
END OF ACT ONE
Any Resemblance 39.
ACT TWO
60. NARRATION
(A special comes up on STANLEY, who’s got a Ziplock bag of ice on his head. There’s mud on his clothes.)
STANLEY. (Aside) Well, I got my wish. I got into a fistfight. I thought it would feel good but I am ashamed and I am hurt, physically. I wanted a fight to take away pain, not add it.
(Cross fade to…)
61. STANLEY’S HOME
(General lights. SERGEANT DOYLE is with STANLEY. OFFICER KAWASAKI is with CHAD. They might be in the living room and the kitchen, respectively, but at the very least they are in the neutral corners of the living room.)
DOYLE. A lot of times when people want to fight they are upset about something else, Sir. STANLEY. Are you saying I wanted to fight? DOYLE. Not at all. I am just making a statement based on years of observation. STANLEY. I just wanted...I don’t know...it was trespassing, you know? DOYLE. How many punches did you throw, Sir? STANLEY. One. And it didn’t land. DOYLE. We’ve got witnesses that say otherwise.
(Bell.)
62. STANLEY’S HOME - FLASHBACK
(Use a special for these flashbacks. OFFICER KAWASAKI stands in the special with the witness, taking down the statement. TERRY, could be a man or woman.)
TERRY. Mr. Curson kept coming at him. I guess he didn’t see Chad Finch in Dream Commando. ‘Cause that’s where Chad Finch uses martial arts.
(Bell. Lights restore.)
Any Resemblance 40.
63. STANLEY’S HOME – AS BEFORE
STANLEY. Terry has Down’s syndrome. I didn’t “keep coming at him.” I threw one punch and I fell down. I tried to get up and I slipped in the mud. The sprinklers were on. (Indicating clothes) Look. This is proof I was on the ground for most of “the fight”. DOYLE. Let’s watch the language, Sir. STANLEY. What language? English? DOYLE. The language of sarcasm, Sir. It is a thin glaze of sugar on swear words. I don’t appreciate it. STANLEY. How come you’re not dirty? Did wardrobe have a duplicate outfit for you? CHAD. He’s being sarcastic with me. DOYLE. You are not an officer of the law, so he is within his rights. Did you use your martial arts on-- KAWASAKI. Mr. Curson. DOYLE. Mr. Curson. CHAD. No. That’s all done by stunt people.
(Bell. Lights change.)
64. STANLEY’S HOME - FLASHBACK
(HARRIET, an older woman, gives witness. HARRIET can also be HARRY, depending on the cast. Change the gender in Stanley’s speech accordingly.)
HARRIET. Mr. Finch was assaulted by the Curson gang.
(Bell. Lights restore.)
65. STANLEY’S HOME – AS BEFORE
STANLEY. I cannot believe Harriet would say that. I’ve known her for...why would she...I tried to resuscitate her husband...granted, I did not revive him, but... DOYLE. Do you have a gang, Sir? STANLEY. No. DOYLE. Did anyone join you in the attack on, uh... KAWASAKI. Mr. Finch. DOYLE. On Mr. Finch. STANLEY. No, unless you count the cat. DOYLE. The cat? STANLEY. Kitten bounded outside for a second. DOYLE. Okay, that could qualify as a gang. STANLEY. What?? DOYLE. Let’s give-- KAWASAKI. --Harriet-- DOYLE. --Harriet the benefit of the doubt here. If you are an elderly person with a fear of cats, a cat could constitute a gang. CHAD. Feral cats run in packs. Any Resemblance 41.
DOYLE. That’s right, Sir. STANLEY. Thanks for the info, Chad. DOYLE. Sir: language. STANLEY. I said it to him! DOYLE. Sarcasm is like loud music, Sir. It is only appreciated by the person making it. Now, do you have a gang of cats? STANLEY. I have a cat. While formidable, she does not constitute a gang. DOYLE. But you have a cat. STANLEY. Yes, Sergeant, I have a cat. DOYLE. Uh huh.
(Bell. Lights change.)
66. STANLEY’S HOME - FLASHBACK
(CAROL gives the police her statement.)
CAROL. Chad Finch and I were having a business discussion when he realized Stanley Curson had stolen his wife. I think Chad reacted instinctively, the way any heartbroken person would: by lashing out at the man who had wrecked his home.
(Bell. Lights restore.)
67. STANLEY’S HOME – AS BEFORE
DOYLE. So that’s what this is about? You stole his girl? STANLEY. I didn’t do anything. DOYLE. Can you blame him for the way he acted? STANLEY. I guess not. DOYLE. You ought to be glad it’s me who’s in charge and not Officer Kawasaki. I believe that affairs of the heart are complex and best solved in counseling. Officer Kawasaki is very conservative. He believes women are property. KAWASAKI. You have stolen this man’s property! DOYLE. That’s grand larceny! That’s a serious offence. STANLEY. He trespassed in my home. He punched me. I fell down. DOYLE. We’re not talking about what you did. We’re talking about what other people said you did.
(KITTEN bounds on with AMY.)
AMY. Are you guys almost done? Double Indemnity is on TMC. Then Stanley and I have work to do. Then I have to memorize lines. Then I have to work out. Then I have to go to work. CHAD. Amy, I still love you. Any Resemblance 42.
AMY. You don’t really love me. Stanley loves me. He wants to marry me.
(AMY leaves. KITTEN lingers.)
KITTEN. I like new Mommy.
(KITTEN hangs out.)
STANLEY. Marry you? DOYLE. (Sarcastically) So you didn’t break them up. In the future, don’t lie to me, Sir. STANLEY. Marry you? (Calling off to Amy) I realize this may be old-fashioned but I’d like to have sex before we get married. Maybe more than once, too.
(Doorbell.)
STANLEY. God, what is it this time, Carol?
(STANLEY opens the door. MARIAN, his for-all-intents- and-purposes ex-wife, enters.)
MARIAN. How soon you forget. STANLEY. Hello, Marian.
(KITTEN fucking freaks out!)
KITTEN. Old mommie, new mommie, old mommie, new mommie.
(KITTEN exits.)
KAWASAKI. I know that was one cat, but it was like six cats. DOYLE. (Making a note) Uh huh. MARIAN. I just thought I’d say hi. I’m here for those boxes. STANLEY. Right, the boxes.
(Awkward pause.)
STANLEY. This is Sergeant Doyle and Officer Kawasaki. This is Chad Finch. This is my soon to be ex-wife, Marian.
(Polite hellos all around.)
MARIAN. I’ve enjoyed your films. CHAD. Thanks. Sergeant, I’m gonna go talk to my wife. DOYLE. All right. Kawasaki, you’re on guard duty.
(CHAD walks across the room.)
Any Resemblance 43.
MARIAN. Why are Chad Finch and two police officers in our house? DOYLE. He and Chad had a fistfight because he stole Chad’s girl. KAWASAKI. Amy. DOYLE. Amy.
(KAWASAKI exits, following CHAD.)
MARIAN. (Laughs incredulously) You gotta be kidding me. DOYLE. Ma’am, I am sworn to serve and protect. I am not serving you nor protecting you by lying. MARIAN. Is this true? STANLEY. (Aside) At this point, I willfully tried to hurt Marian. (To Marian) Yes. I love her. I am in love with my much younger famous rich girlfriend and I want to marry her. DOYLE. There you go. It’s better when you are truthful. MARIAN. Are you going to live here? Or in her mansion?
(STANLEY gets another box.)
STANLEY. We haven’t decided yet. DOYLE. You two should get a new place. Marian’s memory is all over this place. Chad’s memory is all over Whitley Place.
(STANLEY and MARIAN look at DOYLE.)
STANLEY. Do you need help carrying the boxes? MARIAN. Yes. STANLEY. Maybe one of the neighbors will help you.
(STANLEY gives her the box and she exits. STANLEY closes the door on her.)
DOYLE. That was cruel. STANLEY. Cruel, yes, illegal, no. DOYLE. You and-- STANLEY. --Marian-- DOYLE. --should get counseling. STANLEY. The result of counseling is the perfunctory relationship you just saw displayed. DOYLE. I mean post-marital counseling. You’re going to be in each other’s lives for a long time.
(CHAD and KAWASAKI enter.)
CHAD. (To Kawasaki) You see what I have to put up with? I try to talk to her and she takes her clothes off. KAWASAKI. Uh huh. CHAD. That sends a confusing message. DOYLE. You and-- Any Resemblance 44.
KAWASAKI. --Amy-- DOYLE. --should get counseling, too.
(CHAD sits down.)
CHAD. Thanks for the suggestion. DOYLE. This vindictiveness is so petty and high school.
(KITTEN runs in and out.)
DOYLE. I’m not gonna take either of you in tonight because it seems like this is a misunderstanding which can best be cleared up with a huge fine. STANLEY. Great. DOYLE. Language. STANLEY. Sorry, Sergeant. DOYLE. I am citing you both for disturbing the peace.
(He gives each of them a citation.)
DOYLE. You need to take care of this by July 22nd. There’s a number on the back for you to call. KAWASAKI. Oh, you’re Chad Finch the movie star. CHAD. Yes. DOYLE. Have a good evening, gentlemen. I don’t want to get another call about you two. Let’s go help Marian--- KAWASAKI. --Marian. DOYLE. I know her name. Let’s go help her with those boxes.
(STANLEY opens the door for the cops. They exit.)
CAROL. (Offstage) You know, officers, this is a very safe neighborhood, and if you are interested---
(STANLEY closes the door. CHAD gestures for the citation.)
CHAD. Let me take care of that. STANLEY. That’s okay. CHAD. C’mon. It’s a $600 ticket. STANLEY. Okay, as long as you realize you’re admitting your guilt to me, not buying my friendship, and not expecting a quid pro quo. CHAD. Huh? STANLEY. As long as you’re not expecting something in return. CHAD. I’m not. STANLEY. Okay.
(He gives him the ticket.)
CHAD. Now I want something from you. Any Resemblance 45.
STANLEY. This is exactly what I’m saying! You want something in return for paying the ticket. CHAD. That isn’t so. The ticket is one thing. The thing I want is a separate issue. STANLEY. It seems like you are connecting them. CHAD. I am not. STANLEY. It seems like you are. CHAD. I’m not. STANLEY. You are. CHAD. Hey! You want me to pay for this thing or not? STANLEY. See? You are! CHAD. Yes, because you made me. STANLEY. All right, it is time for you to go. CHAD. I am not leaving without Amy. STANLEY. Let’s not get into this again. This is my home and you are not welcome here.
(He opens the door.)
MARIAN. (Offstage) Thank you, Officer. STANLEY. The police are still outside, you know. CHAD. I mean she agreed to go home with me. STANLEY. I thought you had a girlfriend. CHAD. My personal life is complex and none of your business. STANLEY. I don’t believe she said she’d go home with you. CHAD. Ask her yourself.
(STANLEY exits. CHAD looks around a bookshelf. He examines a CD. He pockets it. STANLEY returns.)
STANLEY. She’s gone. CHAD. What do you mean? STANLEY. She “left” using a “door” and took some of my “clothes.”
(CHAD goes off. We hear him call for AMY. KITTEN bounds on. CHAD returns. KITTEN exits. CHAD heads for the front door.)
CHAD. All right, she couldn’t have got very far. STANLEY. Yes, and she shouldn’t be driving in her condition. CHAD. What are you talking about? STANLEY. She’s very upset and shouldn’t drive. CHAD. You stupid fuck. She can’t drive. STANLEY. I know she can’t drive. I’ve been in that Ford Escape of hers. CHAD. I mean she can’t drive. STANLEY. You mean she doesn’t have a license. CHAD. I mean she doesn’t have a license. And I mean she can’t drive. She’s dyslexic. STANLEY. This would explain my terror earlier this week. Any Resemblance 46.
(CHAD dials his phone.)
CHAD. She might be going home. She might be going to her mother’s... STANLEY. If she can’t drive, how can she have an SUV?
(During this dialogue, they find their keys and put on coats, etc.)
CHAD. If you were a car dealer and Amy Star smiled and waved $30,000 at you, would you sell her a car? STANLEY. Of course not. I’d give her the car. CHAD. You see what I mean. STANLEY. Yes. CHAD. She doesn’t love you, you know. STANLEY. I was gonna say the same thing. CHAD. (As they leave) Let me ask you this. What does “on a break” mean to you?
(Blackout. The furniture in STANLEY’s place is miraculously struck.)
68. CHAD’S SPORTS CAR
(Lights isolate CHAD and facilitate strike.)
CHAD. (On phone) Mickey, it’s me…Aw, she hates me and has a new boyfriend, you know, same old, same old. Fuck her. I’m going over to Karla’s. Hey what’s the name of that guy who did that thing for you…Yeah, The Hat. Tell The Hat I want him to do a thing for me…No, not now, the guy isn’t home…Yeah, his name is Stanley Curson…5241 Bellingham…what do you mean The Hat doesn’t go to the Valley? Tell The Hat he’s gotta go to the Valley!
(Blackout.)
69. THE LITTLE CHURCH
(Loud PAPARAZZI down left. Lights up. The MINISTER, a robust older man, is between them and AMY, who kneels, back to audience, up right. STANLEY, center, looks upstage at AMY.)
(The critical set pieces here are the prayer box--or “God Can”--and a kneeling bench you’d see a bride and groom use.)
MINISTER. (Already losing patience) All right, all right. PAPARAZZI 1. Let us in, Father. MINISTER. I cannot do that, and it is Reverend. Any Resemblance 47.
(All the PAPARAZZI talk at once.)
MINISTER. All right, all right, there is a time for war and a time for peace, a time to reap and a time to sew, a time to talk and a time to SHUT UP. PAPARAZZI 2. You got to let us do our jobs, Reverend. MINISTER. My job trumps your job. PAPARAZZI 1. You’re denying me the opportunity to pray. MINISTER. That’s right, because you’re evil. (Reaction from the group) I am denying you the opportunity to prey on a woman seeking sanctuary.
(All the PAPRAZZI complain. STANLEY gets between the PAPARAZZI and the MINISTER.)
MINISTER. Try to go through me. I’ve been wanting to throw a justifiable punch for 40 years. STANLEY. Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.
(AMY turns around and sees STANLEY.)
PAPARAZZI 3. That man is fucking Amy Star. MINISTER. Oh. You just used the f bomb in church. I have it on good authority you are going to hell.
(He makes a scary noise and the mob recedes.)
MINISTER. Who are you, young man? STANLEY. I’m nobody, but thanks for saying I’m young.
(Transform to:)
70. THE LITTLE CHURCH - REVERSE ANGLE
(AMY downstage left kneeling. STANLEY is up of her. The MINISTER stands guard upstage right, keeping the PAPARAZZI at bay.)
AMY. How did you know I’d come here to pray? STANLEY. You should know by now that I listen to everything you say. AMY. We got married here. STANLEY. You did? I knew Joan and Mickey did but--- AMY. They copied us. STANLEY. They copied you. AMY. I am sad we have to get a divorce. STANLEY. I think if the church had a divorce ceremony, you had to get up in front of people and declare your relationship dead, there would be a lot less divorce. AMY. Really? STANLEY. Yeah. There would be a lot more murder, though. AMY. Do you think God hears our prayers? Any Resemblance 48.
STANLEY. Yes. I do not think billions of people over the course of centuries would have prayed if they knew it was a waste of time. I think God can hear a prayer even before it is spoken.
(She touches him.)
AMY. I didn’t know you were religious. STANLEY. I am now. AMY. If God knows what we’re praying, then why even say it? STANLEY. When you concentrate and say it, it is not really you speaking to God, it is God speaking to you, helping you figure out what to do. AMY. Did you just make that up? STANLEY. Is that the issue? AMY. No. (Reiterating her original rhetoric) Do you think God answers our prayers? STANLEY. Yes, but it is not always the answer you ask for. AMY. (Standing) I don’t think God can hear me. Would you drive me home? STANLEY. Yes. AMY. I don’t have my contacts in. STANLEY. Are you sure this is me? AMY. (Giggles) Shut up. I wrote out a prayer request. Maybe someone who is better at praying can pray for me.
(She hands the card to him. STANLEY has his back to the audience as he crosses to the box. AMY exits left. The PAPARAZZI rush in, shooting pix, making a mad dash for the box. The MINISTER defends the box adamantly, as if his punches are sanctioned by the Almighty.)
MINISTER. Come on now! Let’s go! STANLEY. Thanks, Reverend!
(STANLEY follows AMY out. Transform to:)
71. STANLEY’S CAR/NARRATION
(Four chairs are the car(s). AMY sleeps in the passenger seat. Entrances and exits as necessary in this story theater style section. There’s no break in the action from scene 71 through 74.)
STANLEY. I took her to Whitley Place, thinking it would less likely that we’d be followed in my old car. As a matter of fact, my old car brought down the property values in her neighborhood.
(He reaches in her purse and gets the Ford Escape key.)
STANLEY. Whitley Place, which has been handed down from movie star to movie star since the 20s, sits on it’s Any Resemblance 49.
own little mountain. I dropped her off on the street below. AMY. G’night.
(She exits drowsily.)
STANLEY. She went into a wooden door in the side of the mountain and took the Bat Elevator up to Whitley Place. I drove back to the little church, parked my old car, got in her SUV, all the while expecting the media to pounce on me like a flies on a shit wagon. One guy followed me. When he saw Amy wasn’t driving, he backed off. Somewhere, though, there’s an angry and I am sure entertaining picture of me driving the Ford.
I called a cab as I approached Whitley Place.
(Siren. OFFICER enters.)
STANLEY. I got a ticket for being on the phone while driving. OFFICER. Drive safely, Sir.
(The OFFICER exits. The CABBIE enters.)
72. THE CAB/NARRATION
(The Ford Escape becomes the cab.)
STANLEY. The cab arrived. CABBIE. You ain’t Miss Star. STANLEY. Sorry to disappoint you, but you’re giving me a lift.
(STANLEY gets in the backseat. The CABBIE drives.)
CABBIE. Miss Star can’t drive, you know. STANLEY. To make the world a safer place, I threw her car key down the mountain. (He throws the key out the window.) CABBIE. That’s 42 dollars. STANLEY. My car is gone. Who would steal a 12-year-old car? CABBIE. That sign says no parking 8 PM to 6 AM. STANLEY. So I had the cabbie take me to the tow lot. CABBIE. That’s 84 dollars. STANLEY. Where I received my third ticket of the evening.
(CABBIE exits. TOW LOT GUY appears. The cab becomes STANLEY’s car.)
73. TOW LOT Any Resemblance 50.
TOW LOT GUY. That’s $350, cash or credit card. STANLEY. It would be really great if I could take care of these tickets here. Bring that up with your superiors, won’t you, my good man. TOW LOT GUY. Sir, you want your car? STANLEY. Yes. TOW LOT GUY. That’s $350.
(The car becomes the bed in Stanley’s bedroom.)
74. STANLEY’S BEDROOM
STANLEY. It took me 30 minutes to get home because I drove 10 miles an hour the whole way. I got into bed and stayed there for three days, afraid I would get a ticket if I stepped outside, meaning I didn’t drop off the divorce documents. I wanted to listen to my CD of AM Gold of the ‘70s but I couldn’t find it.
(KITTEN enters and gets in the bed.)
STANLEY. Not now, Kitten.
(Blue out.)
75. STANLEY’S HOME/AMY’S OFFICE - SPLIT STAGE
(Lights restore. MONICA and STANLEY on the phone. AMY is near MONICA.)
MONICA. This is Monica, Amy Star’s assistant. STANLEY. Hello, Monica Amystarsassistant. MONICA. Amy wants to know if you can escort her to a birthday party on Monday. STANLEY. I will have to miss my game. MONICA. He will have to miss his game. AMY. I don’t want him to miss his game. MONICA. She doesn’t want you to miss your game. STANLEY. Please put Amy on. We’re playing a game of telephone on the telephone. MONICA. He wants to know if you can talk to him. We’re playing a game of tel--
(She hands the phone to AMY.)
AMY. I don’t want you to miss your game. STANLEY. The rest of the team will thank you. AMY. I would drive but I can’t find my keys. STANLEY. What time do you want me to pick you up? AMY. Five-thirty. STANLEY. Whose birthday party? AMY. My brother’s. Any Resemblance 51.
STANLEY. Is it formal? AMY. He’s eleven.
(The scene transforms.)
76. STANLEY’S CAR
STANLEY. Thanks for reminding me I’m so much older than you. AMY. You’re welcome. You sure you don’t want me to drive? STANLEY. I’m sure. AMY. You didn’t have to dress up. STANLEY. I didn’t. AMY. You’re wearing a tie. STANLEY. I always wear a tie. No one asks you to lift anything. AMY. (Pointing right) Turn left here.
(The scene transforms.)
77. OUTSIDE AMY’S FAMILY’S HOUSE
AMY. I bought them this house. You’d think they could mow the lawn.
(AMY and STANLEY get out of the car. SARAH, her mother, LIZ, her older sister, and WILLIAM, her younger brother, come out of the house to greet them.)
AMY. This is Stanley. This is my mother Sarah, and this is my sister, Liz, and this is Will. WILLIAM. It’s my birthday!
(Hello’s all around.)
SARAH. She must really like you. She hasn’t ever brought her Hollywood friends here before. LIZ. Have you been on any shows I’ve seen? STANLEY. I was on Fish Out of Water. LIZ. Don’t come on in here and lie. I have seen all the Fishes and you ain’t on one. AMY. It hasn’t aired yet.
(AMY goes upstage with WILLIAM and SARAH.)
STANLEY. I was on Bluefield. LIZ. Really? What kind of part did you have? STANLEY. The same kind of part I always have. LIX. Was you the star? STANLEY. No. I yell at the star. LIZ. Do you have Marty Bluefield’s phone number? STANLEY. Yes, but Los Angeles City Ordinance 172.3 precludes me from giving it to you. Any Resemblance 52.
LIZ. Is that for real? STANLEY. Yes.
(In the transition, AMY’s family and sings the last phrase of “Happy Birthday”.)
78. BACKYARD
(STANLEY plays catch with WILLIAM. The women chat upstage, but AMY notices the exchange between the ballplayers.)
STANLEY. You’ve got a good arm. What position do you play? WILLIAM. Catcher. STANLEY. That’s what I play! WILLIAM. Really? STANLEY. Yeah, I love it. WILLIAM. I don’t know what I’m doing. STANLEY. Don’t worry about it. I’m still learning, too. Now, you’re throwing with your arm only. Use your whole body. Get your feet involved.
(WILLIAM winds up and throws the ball over STANLEY’S head. A car alarm goes off.)
STANLEY. Good.
(Transform to:)
79. STANLEY’S CAR
STANLEY. That was fun. AMY. My family really likes you. STANLEY. Well, I like them. AMY. They liked Chad but they really like you. STANLEY. I knew I was superior to him in some way. AMY. Chad never threw a ball with William. I don’t think he knows how. STANLEY. He can throw a punch, though. AMY. Tell me about it. STANLEY. It is only seven. AMY. So? STANLEY. I didn’t think we’d be done by seven. When I heard “party,” I thought nine, ten o’clock. AMY. Kids don’t have that sort of attention span. STANLEY. I know, I’m just saying, I didn’t, I didn’t think it all the way through. AMY. He has school tomorrow. STANLEY. Are we arguing? AMY. No. You’re being an idiot.
(A sassy, saucy, irresistible laugh.) Any Resemblance 53.
STANLEY. I knew I must be at fault some how. Now I know. What do you want to do now? AMY. I don’t know. STANLEY. My friends are in that production of After the Fall. And Henry the 4th is at the Banshee. Oh, and a revival of The Dirty Dozen movie is at the Cinerama-- AMY. None of that interests me.
(Pause.)
STANLEY. I could still make my softball game. It is only about an hour and half long. Would you like to go to that? AMY. Sure. STANLEY. (Aside) It was at this precise moment that I fell in love with her.
(The scene transforms.)
80. STANLEY’S BEDROOM
(STANLEY changes into his uniform. AMY enters. He is embarrassed. If she notices he is embarrassed, she doesn’t show it. In fact, if she notices him, she doesn’t show it. She looks through his drawers or his closet.)
STANLEY. What are you doing? AMY. I can’t wear this to the game. STANLEY. Oh. I am sure I’ve got-- AMY. I want some jeans and a sweatshirt-- STANLEY. Okay, they’re in the top of the closet.
(He gets them for her. KITTEN enters.)
KITTEN. You are a beautiful witch. AMY. Aren’t you nice. KITTEN. I will serve you. AMY. Let’s talk about that later. STANLEY. Kitten, please. KITTEN. Pyewacket can fly!
(He chases KITTEN out.)
AMY. Close your eyes. STANLEY. Huh? AMY. Close your eyes. STANLEY. I’ve already seen you naked. AMY. This is different. STANLEY. Okay. AMY. Don’t peek. STANLEY. Okay. Any Resemblance 54.
(He closes his eyes while she changes.)
STANLEY. I’ve been away from the team for a while...I’ll probably only be the catcher every other inning...I’ll get to bat two or three times. AMY. Good. STANLEY. We bat the line up.
(As is her habit, AMY is too close to him. She is genuinely curious. She just doesn’t have any clothes on.)
AMY. What does that mean? STANLEY. (Knowing she is naked) That means we can bat more than the 10 guys in the field. AMY. That sounds nice. STANLEY. It is. AMY. These jeans don’t fit.
(She tries a second pair.)
STANLEY. Uh, sometimes we do a direct substitution, but not very often. AMY. What does that mean? STANLEY. Uh, it means, once you come of out the game, you can’t go back in. AMY. That seems mean. STANLEY. I’m not explaining it right. AMY. Okay, I’m done.
(He opens his eyes.)
STANLEY. Okay. I gotta get in my uniform. Close your eyes. AMY. Why? STANLEY. You do NOT want to see me naked. AMY. Okay.
(She closes her eyes. He puts on a different shirt.)
STANLEY. We only make a direct substitution if someone is late. Oh, well, we can have a courtesy runner. AMY. What does that mean? STANLEY. What does what mean? AMY. Courtesy runner. STANLEY. It is like a pinch runner but the original runner doesn’t have to come out of the game. AMY. Do I have to remember these dumb rules to enjoy the game? STANLEY. You’ll catch on. AMY. All you did was change shirts. STANLEY. You’re peeking! Any Resemblance 55.
AMY. So? STANLEY. We cannot have a relationship built on lies and deceit.
(She laughs. Transform to:)
81. STANLEY’S CAR
(STANLEY drives them to the game.)
STANLEY. I have to do this thing to get ready for the game. AMY. What, are you going to sacrifice a goat? STANLEY. No, nothing like that. AMY. Go for it.
(He turns on the radio/stereo. He enjoys “Bitch” by The Rolling Stones. Use from 1:11 to 1:45. To AMY, the music is a revelation.)
STANLEY. I'll probably only play catcher every other inning, maybe bat a couple of times. But, you know, I want to be mentally ready. AMY. What a great song. STANLEY. Yeah, I must have heard it a million times. AMY. Who does it? STANLEY. The Rolling Stones. AMY. What a great song. I mean, love is a bitch. STANLEY. Yeah. AMY. I mean, the lyrics are perfect. Sometimes I am sexy, but sometimes I’m so shy, I do have to be worked on. I don’t have a bark or bite. Wow.
(He shuts the music off.)
STANLEY. Yeah, I didn’t know those were the lyrics. AMY. Will there be a lot of people in the stands? STANLEY. Jim's dad might be there, but he is too old to sit in the bleachers. He brings a lawn chair. AMY. I just want someone to talk to. STANLEY. Someone will be there. AMY. How old is this car? STANLEY. Shut up.
(Transform to:)
82. THE SOFTBALL FIELD/NARRATION
(The team warms up. AMY sits in the stands. Jim the MANAGER might warm up with STANLEY, recalling how STANLEY threw with WILLIAM.)
STANLEY. (Aside) It is summertime and it is beautiful. It is still light at 730, and she is wearing sunglasses. Any Resemblance 56.
It is a little cool, so she wears one of my jackets, which is too big for her, which is adorable.
83. THE SOFTBALL FIELD
(The MANAGER has no idea who AMY is.)
MANAGER. Hey, Stan, who’s this? STANLEY. Uh, this is Amy. MANAGER. I’m Jim. AMY. Hi. MANAGER. You in the acting game, too? AMY. Kinda. MANAGER. Well, it’s a tough racket from what I hear, good luck. AMY. Thanks. STANLEY. Where’s Rick? MANAGER. He can’t make it. AMY. What do you think about the song “Bitch” by the Rolling Stones? MANAGER. Sorry, I like talk radio. AMY. Oh. MANAGER. But my dad has all their albums. AMY. Cool! MANAGER. Look, Stan, we’re short-handed, so I’m gonna pitch and you’re gonna play third.
(Bell. Quick cutaway to:)
84. THE SOFTBALL FIELD - FLASHBACK
(Recreate the picture of STANLEY, MATT, and the team on the bench from Act One.)
MATT. I mean now you’re just doggin’ it. Let’s get someone there who can fuckin’ knock the ball down.
(Bell. Cut back to:)
85. THE SOFTBALL FIELD/NARRATION
(AMY, STANLEY, MANAGER, and team as before.)
STANLEY. Okay. (Aside) I say “okay” because I want to play and I have never refused an assignment...but I haven’t played third base in this league in two years, and the last time I did, I played very badly.
(Bell.)
86. THE SOFTBALL FIELD - FLASHBACK
Any Resemblance 57.
(Again, recreate the picture of STANLEY, MATT, and the team on the bench from Act One.)
MATT. I mean what the fuck!
(Bell.)
87. THE SOFTBALL FIELD/NARRATION – AS BEFORE
(AMY is seated upstage in the stands.)
STANLEY. We don’t have much of a chance to warm up. I throw the ball to first maybe once. She sits in the stands, enjoying her anonymity. She waves to me, and I say aloud...dear God in heaven, please don’t let me screw up in front of this girl.
88. THE SOFTBALL FIELD - MONTAGE
(TEAMMATES and OPPONENTS move around STANLEY in slow motion as necessary.)
STANLEY. We are in the field first and the top of the first passed without incident. In the bottom of first, I get up with the based loaded. The pitcher was still trying to find the strike zone and I hit a great line drive single to right and get two RBIs.
The pressure is off.
STANLEY. Now, we take the field. Because of the way our manager is pitching or because of the way the wind is blowing, a lot of the right-handed hitters are hitting the ball off their hands down to me. A Lot.
I would like to be able to tell you that I field my position with aplomb, that I am the hero of the game.
So that’s what I’m going to tell you. Because that is what happens.
I field everything. I throw guys out at first. I start double plays. After every inning, the guys come off the field saying,
(MANAGER enters.)
MANAGER. Great play, Stan.
(MANAGER exits.) Any Resemblance 58.
STANLEY. It is as if I have paid both teams to participate in an elaborate ruse so it appears I have done The Impossible. At no point do I think about divorce, my car, or—
(KITTEN enters.)
--Kitten the vomiting cat.
(KITTEN exits.)
I don’t even think about Amy. Because when you’re playing ball, all you think about is playing ball.
(TEAMMATES enter and give STANLEY high fives.)
TEAMMATE 1. Stan the Man!
(MATT enters from the outfield.)
MATT. I don’t know who she is, but you have to bring her every time.
STANLEY. This is the first time Matt has actually spoken to me in two years. I get on base 3 times, I field most of the balls hit to me,
(A ball is tossed to him.)
STANLEY. I am awarded the game ball, and we win the game. Amy is delighted.
(AMY giggles and hugs him. Lights change.)
89. NARRATION
(STANLEY and AMY appear in his version of a romance novel cover.)
STANLEY. Some people say the 1958 NFL championship game between Green Bay and Baltimore was the greatest game every played. Some say it was that baseball playoff game, where Carlton Fisk hit that home run. Some people say the greatest game was when the US Hockey team beat the Soviets in 1980. All those people are wrong. Because I didn’t play in those games.
(Lights change.)
90. STANLEY’S CAR/NARRATION
STANLEY. (Aside) I drove her back to my place. Any Resemblance 59.
AMY. (On phone) Joan, Joan, listen, I’ve just seen the most fantastic thing. Stan played in this game and they won! Huh?
(She checks the review mirror and turns around for a second.)
I don’t think so. So what if he did? Anyway, Stan, he, huh--what’s it called when you hit the ball and ran and your team got two points? STANLEY. A home run. AMY. (On phone) He hit a home run! STANLEY. (Aside) Yes, I lied. Fuck you. AMY. I’ll talk to you tomorrow. (She hangs up.) STANLEY. I had achieved the impossible in front of her very eyes. I was the star. AMY. That was great! STANLEY. (Aside) I was 100% sure I was going to get laid.
(Transform to:)
91. STANLEY’S HOME
(They embrace.)
AMY. Let’s turn out the lights. STANLEY. I have already seen you naked. AMY. This is different.
(They go in for a kiss. There is a hacking noise off stage.)
STANLEY. Kitten!
(Amy giggles. Blue out.)
92. LEGAL CLINIC
(Lights restore. On another day, STANLEY the divorce documents to ANGELA.)
STANLEY. (On phone) Marian, I’m dropping everything off now. Yes, I’m sorry it took so long…I’ve been very active…professionally…You ought to get something in the mail... ANGELA. In a month. STANLEY. In a month. (Pause) Well, congratulations. (Pause) Why not? I’m paying for it. (Pause) No, you’re right, I wouldn’t come anyway. Okay, see you.
(He hangs up. ANGELA looks at him, then breaks the ice.) Any Resemblance 60.
ANGELA. Well, that takes care of everything, Mr. Curson. STANLEY. Thank you, Angela. You’ve been very helpful. ANGELA. You’re welcome. STANLEY. I hope I never see you again.
(Lights change.)
93. OUTSIDE STANLEY’S HOME
(STANLEY gets out his keys.)
KITTEN. (Inside the condo) Daddy, I am starving. STANLEY. Give me a second.
(THE HAT, so named because he wears one of those swinging fedoras, enters, carrying a baseball bat. He and STANLEY make eye contact. JD enters from the other side aboard the bicycle.)
JD. Mr. Womack! STANLEY. Hi, JD. JD. You live here? STANLEY. Yes. JD. Carol Brown just showed me a condo. We’re gonna be neighbors, Mr. Womack!
(THE HAT looks at a piece of paper.)
STANLEY. Great. JD. Who’s your friend? STANLEY. We, uh, just met. THE HAT. Sorry, Mr. Womack, I thought you were someone else.
(He exits. Transform to:)
94. STANLEY’S HOME/AMY’S OFFICE – SPLIT STAGE
(Phone rings. STANLEY answers.)
STANLEY. Stanley Curson.
(AMY hovers near MONICA on the other side of the stage.)
MONICA. Hi, Mr. Curson, this is Monica, Amy Star’s assistant. STANLEY. Hi, Monica Amystarsassistant. MONICA. (Doesn’t get it) Amy wanted me to call you so we can get your clothes to you. STANLEY. Monica, is your last name Amystarsassistant? MONICA. No. Any Resemblance 61.
STANLEY. Do you have a last name? MONICA. Yes. STANLEY. What is it? MONICA. I just go by Monica. STANLEY. Okay, do you realize you are genetically disposed to put a question mark at the end of all your statements? MONICA. Yes? STANLEY. Okay, then. MONICA. I am getting speech therapy? STANLEY. Good for you. I can get those clothes from Amy anytime. MONICA. She is going out of town, so she told me--what is your address? STANLEY. Did she get the part? MONICA. I’m-- STANLEY. Put her on. MONICA. --just doing--- STANLEY. Put her on. MONICA. --just doing my job, what she told me to do-- STANLEY. Put her on.
(AMY takes the phone.)
95. STANLEY’S HOME/AMY’S OFFICE
(In this last phone call, the actors are blocked agonizingly close to another, but they are clearly in separate spaces.)
AMY. Hello. STANLEY. Did you get the part? AMY. Yes. I’ll be in New York while the show is on hiatus. STANLEY. That’s great. I want to come to the opening. AMY. I don’t think that’s a good idea. STANLEY. Later in the run, then. AMY. I don’t think so. STANLEY. Why? AMY. You know, I think we should just forget about everything. STANLEY. That’s crazy. AMY. (Like she has nothing to do with it.) Yeah. (Pause.) Well, I don’t know what to say.
(KITTEN enters.)
STANLEY. Get out of here.
(KITTEN exits.)
AMY. If it makes any difference...everyone in my family was rooting for you. Any Resemblance 62.
(She exits. Lights change.)
Any Resemblance 63.
96. NARRATION
STANLEY. That is the scene I made up. I never spoke to Amy. I only ever spoke to Monica. If the real Amy sees this, I want to say...let’s say goodbye.
A few days later a production assistant dropped off a shopping bag containing the clothes that Amy had borrowed. I think it is funny that the clothes weren’t washed. I think it is also funny that I haven’t washed them yet. The bag also had a Fish Out of Water coffee mug and my AM Gold of the 70s CD.
(Lights change.)
97. ENTERTAINMENT SHOW
(REPORTER and JILLANE are on the set of the ET-like TV show, staged in the same special.)
REPORTER. Jillane, this will be the third season of Fish Out of Water. Will you replace Amy Star now that she’s a big hit on Broadway? JILLANE. We are going to accommodate her schedule, and include her in as many episodes as possible because our show is like a family, and Amy and Chad are a big part of that family. REPORTER. (To camera) My guest is Jillane Johnson. The book is Addiction is a Habit with Me. We’ll be right back.
(Lights change.)
98. THE DUGOUT
(The team sans STANLEY sits on the bench.)
UMPIRE. (Offstage) Strike three!
(STANLEY enters and sits on the bench. He is furious. Three is an uncomfortable pause. MATT inhales--)
STANLEY. Nobody fuckin’ mess with me.
(Sullen pause.)
MANAGER. Good thing your famous girlfriend wasn’t here. STANLEY. Thanks, we broke up. MANAGER. You’re the male version of May Pang. STANLEY. I know.
(Pause.)
Any Resemblance 64.
MATT. Who’s May Pang? MANAGER. Look it up when you get home.
(Pause.)
TEAMMATE 1. Who’s up?
99. LEGAL CLINIC
ANGELA. Hi, Mr. Curson. STANLEY. Did I leave my umbrella here? ANGELA. I don’t think so. It didn’t rain all summer. STANLEY. Oh. So how are you?
100. STANLEY’S HOME/JOAN’S HOME - SPLIT STAGE
(STANLEY looks at the prayer card that AMY filled out. He tears it up. His phone rings.)
STANLEY. Hello? JOAN. This is Joan Dalrymple. Can I speak to Stanley Curson? STANLEY. You are. JOAN. Stan, I’m friends with Amy Star. STANLEY. Oh, yes, she mentioned you.
(KITTEN enters and curls up next to him.)
JOAN. She gave me your number. STANLEY. She speaks very highly of you. JOAN. We have a lot in common. STANLEY. I hope so. JOAN. I am working on a new role. Can you help me? STANLEY. Yes...can you work at my place? JOAN. That’d be perfect. STANLEY. Great.
(Blackout.)
END OF ACT TWO