BOOK VIII: Conversion
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The Confessions by Saint Augustine Translation by Maria Boulding, OSB, New City Press, (1997) [Page numbers provided here correspond roughly to the hardback edition] BOOK VIII: Conversion Page 184 1, 1. In a spirit of thankfulness let me recall the mercies you lavished on me, O my God; to you let me confess them†1 May I be flooded with love for you until my very bones cry out, “Who is like you, O Lord?”†2 Let me offer you a sacrifice of praise, for you have snapped my bonds.†3 How you broke them I will relate, so that all your worshipers who hear my tale may exclaim, “Blessed be the Lord, blessed in heaven and on earth, for great and wonderful is his name.”†4 Your words were now firmly implanted in my heart of hearts, and I was besieged by you on every side.†5 Concerning your eternal life I was now quite certain, though I had but glimpsed it like a tantalizing reflection in a mirror;†6 this had been enough to take from me any lingering doubt concerning that imperishable substance from which every other substance derives its being. What I now longed for was not greater certainty about you, but a more steadfast abiding in you. In my daily life everything seemed to be teetering, and my heart needed to be cleansed of the old leaven.†7 I was attracted to the Way, which is our Savior himself, but the narrowness of the path daunted me and I still could not walk in it.†8 You inspired in me the idea that I ought to go to Simplicianus, and even I could see the sense of this. I regarded him as your good servant, a man from whom grace radiated.†9 Moreover I had heard how from his youth he had lived for you in complete dedication, and since he was an old man by now I assumed that after following your way of life for long years and with such noble zeal he must be rich in experience and deeply learned. And so indeed he was. I hoped, therefore, that if I could discuss my perplexities with him he would bring out from his storehouse†10 appropriate advice as to how a man in my condition might walk in your way. Page.185 2. Surveying the full assembly of the Church I observed that people's lifestyles varied. For my own part I was irked by the secular business I was conducting, for no longer was I fired by ambition, and prepared on that account to endure such heavy servitude in the hope of reputation and wealth, as had formerly been the case. Those prospects held no charm for me now that I was in love with your tender kindness and the beauty of your house;†11 but I was in tight bondage to a woman. The apostle did not forbid me to marry, although he did propose a better choice, earnestly wishing that everyone might live as he did himself;†12 but I was too weak for that and inclined to an easier course. For this reason alone I was vacillating, bored and listless amid my shriveled cares because I was forced to adapt myself to other aspects of conjugal life to which I had pledged and constrained myself, though they were little to my liking. From the lips of your Truth I had heard that there are eunuchs who have castrated themselves for love of the kingdom of heaven, but the saying continues, Let anyone accept this who can.†13 How foolish are they who know not God! So many good things before their eyes, yet Him Who Is they fail to see.†14 I was trapped in that foolishness no longer, for I had left it behind by hearkening to the concerted witness of your whole creation, and had discovered you, our creator, and your Word, who dwells with you and is with you the one sole God, through whom you have created all things.†15 But there are impious people of another type, who do recognize God yet have not glorified him as God, nor given him thanks.†16 Into that error too I had formerly blundered, but your right hand grasped me,†17 plucked me out of it and put me in a place where I could be healed, for you have told us that reverence for God—that is wisdom,†18 and warned us, Do not give yourself airs for wisdom, because those who believed themselves wise have sunk into folly.†19 I had found a precious pearl, worth buying at the cost of all I had;†20 but I went on hesitating. Conversation with Simplicianus Page 186 2, 3. Accordingly I made my way to Simplicianus. When Ambrose, then bishop, had been baptized, Simplicianus had stood as father to him, and Ambrose regarded him with affection as a father indeed. To him I described the winding paths of my wayward life. When I mentioned that I had read certain Platonist books, translated into Latin by Victorinus, who had formerly been a rhetorician in Rome but had, as I had heard, died a Christian, Simplicianus told me how fortunate I was not to have stumbled on the writings of other philosophers, works full of fallacies and dishonesty that smacked of the principles of this world,†21 whereas those Platonist writings conveyed in every possible way, albeit indirectly, the truth of God and his Word. Story of Victorinus' conversion He went on to reminisce about this Victorinus†22 with the object of inculcating in me that humility of Christ which is hidden from the sagacious but revealed to little ones.†23 He knew him intimately in Rome, and he told me a story about Victorinus which I will not pass over in silence, since it powerfully redounds to the praise of your grace and moves me to confession, this story of a deeply learned old man. Page 187 Thoroughly conversant with all the liberal arts, Victorinus had also read widely and with discrimination in philosophy and had taught many a noble senator; in recognition of his distinction as a teacher a statue had been erected to him in the Roman forum, which was a very high honor in the eyes of worldly people, and one he well deserved. Until this period of his life he had been a worshiper of idols and shared the abominable superstitions which at that time blew like an ill wind through almost the whole of the Roman nobility, who were agog for Pelusium†24 and for Anubis, dog-voiced god, and monstrous deities of many a hue, who warred in days gone by against Minerva, Neptune, Venus….†25 These gods Rome had once vanquished, but now worshiped, and the elderly Victorinus with his terrible thunders had habitually defended their cults; yet he was not ashamed to become a child of your Christ and be born as an infant from your font, bending his neck to the yoke of humility†26 and accepting on his docile brow the sign of the ignominious cross.†27 4. O Lord, Lord, who bade your heavens stoop, who touched the mountains and set them smoking,†28 by what means did you make your hidden way into that man's breast? The story as Simplicianus told it to me was this. Victorinus was in the habit of reading holy scripture and intensively studying all the Christian writings, which he subjected to close scrutiny; and he would say to Simplicianus, not openly but in private, intimate conversation, “I am already a Christian, you know.” But the other always replied, “I will not believe that, nor count you among Christians, until I see you in Christ's Church.” Victorinus would chaff him: “It's the walls that make Christians, then?” He would often talk like this, claiming that he was a Christian. Simplicianus often responded in the same way, and Victorinus would frequently repeat his joke about walls. Page.188 The fact was that he was sorely afraid of upsetting the proud demon-worshipers who were his friends, fearing that the weight of their resentment might come storming down on him from the peak of their Babylonian grandeur,†29 as though from lofty cedars on Lebanon not yet felled by the Lord.†30 But later he drank in courage from his avid reading and came to fear that he might be disowned by Christ before his holy angels if he feared to confess him before men and women.†31 In his own eyes he was guilty of a great crime in being ashamed of the holy mysteries instituted by your humble Word, while feeling no shame at the sacrilegious rites of proud demons, whose likeness he had been proud to assume himself. Accordingly he threw off the shamefacedness provoked by vanity and became modest in the face of truth: suddenly and without warning he said to Simplicianus, who told this tale, “Let us go to church: I want to become a Christian.” Hardly able to contain his joy, Simplicianus went with him. He was initiated into the first stage of the catechumenate,†32 and not long afterward he gave in his name, asking for rebirth in baptism.†33 Rome stood amazed, while the Church was jubilant. The proud looked on and fumed with anger; they ground their teeth in impotent fury;†34 but as for your servant, the Lord God was his hope, and he had no eyes for vanities or lying follies.†35 5. Eventually the time came for him to make his profession of faith.