Why, Charlie Brown, Why?”]

A PEANUTSTM SPECIAL IT’S A ROCKY HORROR CHRISTMAS, CHARLIE BROWN!

Written by Charles Schulz FOURTH DRAFT

PROP LIST: What audience members will need: White Packing Peanuts (round is best) A Small Bell A Peppermint Patty Sugar Packets (accept no Equal!) Party Noise-Makers (or baby rattle) A Flashlight Pine Needles Bubble Gum Cards (NOT Pokemon or Magic Cards!)

Additional Props: Box of Christmas Decorations First Prize Ribbon

GENERAL INFORMATION: Audience instructions are in boldface. Text in quotes is to be shouted. Text in parentheses is to be shouted in unison with the videotape.

Whenever Charlie Brown appears, or especially, is introduced the line “Blockhead” is appropriate. With more discretion, the line “Fussbudget” is appropriate to Lucy.

A Note about A & B The A & B call and response lines are similar to the front row/back row lines at RHPS. It works best to divide the guests into A’s and B’s before showing the X- mas special.

And now a word from Pee Wee Herman: “Today’s secret word is – Conky, if you please…thanks. The secret word is:

‘GOOD GRIEF!’”

Thanks Pee Wee. You all know what to do if you hear the secret word…SCREAM!!

A Word about “Rats!” The proper reaction to a character saying “Rats” was given to us by Mammy-Two Shoes (voice of Lilian Randolph) in the Tom and Jerry Cartoons. “Skirts” (figurative and literal) should be hiked up. Feet stomp around in a little dance. (You can do this sitting in your seat.) And screaming things like “EEEEE!” “A rat!” “Save me!” “Help” Shoo! Shoo!” Etc…

A Note about the “Charlie Browniest” The hazing of Virgins is an essential part of the Rocky Horror experience and “A Rocky Horror X-mas” is no different. Since any party has close to 75% Virgins, it is best to just grab one before starting the X-mas special and subject them to our joyous brand of light- hearted razzing.

A Note about Costumes Never make fun of someone for “dressing up” – especially if his or her costume is not exact. The point is that their heart is in it and that’s what it is all about.

One host, when his guest didn’t dress up, used black tape to give everyone a zigzag across their shirts ala Charlie Brown. (Of course he ruined a lot of shirts.)

An Invitation to Growth An important note here: Audience Participation is NOT fixed. If you feel a new line coming on, YELL IT! A big part of keeping the show fresh is creating new lines.

More importantly: for Rocky Horror Charlie Brown to live on and grow I hope you will keep this script and pass copies along to your friends.

Most importantly: Host your own Rocky Horror Christmas Charlie Brown Party!

EXT. EVENING Pan winter scene; [At opening bars of music, A-“Now is the winter of our discontent.” B-“Wrong show.” A-“Marley was dead; to begin with.” B-“Wrong show.” All-“It was a dark and stormy night”] move to a frozen pond where the PEANUTS GANG (minus Charlie Brown, Linus and Snoopy) is ice-skating. “Christmas Time is Here” continuously plays under the action.

Christmas time is here, Happiness (“and beer!”) Fun for all that children Call their favorite time of year.

CROSS FADE TO

[Chanting in unison, A-“Blockhead! Blockhead! Blockhead!” B-“Linus! Linus! Linus!”]

EXT. DOORSTEP CHARLIE BROWN and LINUS exit the house carrying ice skates and make their way to the lake.

Snowflakes in the air, [Throw PACKING PEANUTS.] Carols everywhere, [“Carol? Are you Carol?”] Olden times and ancient rhymes Of love and dreams to share.

They stop at a brick wall. [“Why’d your hair fall out, Charlie Brown?”]

CHARLIE BROWN I think there must be something wrong with me, Linus. [“Maybe it’s the chemo!”] But I’m not happy. I don’t feel the way I’m supposed to feel. [“Wake up!”]

They continue walking.

[“Why, Charlie Brown, why?”]

CHARLIE BROWN I just don’t understand Christmas, I guess. [“Explain it, Blockhead!”] I might be getting presents and sending Christmas cards and decorating trees and all that, but I’m still not happy. I always end up feeling depressed. [“Try Prozac”]

LINUS Charlie Brown, you’re the only person I know who can take a wonderful season like Christmas and turn it into a problem. Maybe Lucy’s right. Of all the Charlie Browns in the world, you’re the Charlie Browniest! [Point to the Charlie Browniest, “No he’s the Charlie Browniest!”]

They turn and walk toward the skating pond. The PEANUTS GANG are skating and singing.

(song cont’d) Sleigh bells in the air; [Ring BELLS] Beauty everywhere; Yuletide by the fireside And joyful memories there;

EXT. LAKE SNOOPY is skating solo. [“Show off!”] He grabs LUCY’s hand and skates off. More kids join hands to make a long tail.

[Rhythmically “Ev-ery Bo-dy Con-ga! Ev-ery Bo-dy Con-ga!”] SNOOPY cracks the whip and kids fly in all directions.

(song cont’d) Christmas time is here; Families drawing near; Oh that we could always see Such spirit through the year.

SNOOPY is left spinning [“Wipe out.”] and comes to a stop as LINUS and CHARLIE BROWN skate into the scene. SNOOPY charges in, grabs Linus’ blanket in his mouth and drags LINUS off. As they race past CHARLIE BROWN, he gets caught in the blanket and SNOOPY spins them both around. [Sing Devo – “When a good time turns around/You must whip it/You will never live it down/Unless you whip it!”]

CHARLIE BROWN is snapped off, spins on the ice and slides into a tree. [“Avalanche!”] A snow avalanche falls over him and title appears over the shot: [“It’s a Rocky Horror Christmas, Charlie Brown!”]

INT. CHARLIE BROWN’S HOUSE – DAY CHARLIE BROWN stands at the window watching the snowfall. [“Don’t just stand there. Do something!”] He crosses to a chair and puts on his coat.

EXT. FRONG DOOR. CHARLIE BROWN walks to his mailbox and looks around. [“Quit being paranoid!”] He looks inside.

CHARLIE BROWN Helloooo in there! [“Helloooo out there!”] Rats! [Mammy-Two Shoes AD-LIB.] Nobody sent me a Christmas card today.

Begins walking.

CHARLIE BROWN I almost wish there weren’t a holiday season. I know nobody likes me. Why do we have to have a holiday season to emphasize it? [“Because you’re a blockhead!”]

Approaches Violet who is reading a X-mas card.

CHARLIE BROWN Thanks for the Christmas card you sent me, Violet.

VIOLET I didn’t send you a Christmas card, Charlie Brown. [“Whatta bitch!”]

She walks away.

CHARLIE BROWN Don’t you know a sarcasm when you hear it? [“Snappy comeback, Charlie Brown!”]

CUT TO.

EXT. A DIRTY SNOW MAN CHARLIE BROWN comes to a large snowman.

[A-“What’ll we call ‘im?”] [B-“Sparky?”] [A-“Nah!”] [B-“Charlotte Braun?”]

[A-“No!”] [ALL-“Peppermint Patty!?!” Throw PATTY.]

PIG PEN appears from behind the snowman, patting the snow into place.

CHARLIE BROWN Pig Pen; you’re the only person I know who could raise a cloud of dust in a snowstorm.

CUT TO.

EXT. SNOOPY’S DOGHOUSE SNOOPY sits atop his doghouse munching on a pile of bones while he reads the newspaper. CHARLIE BROWN approaches and watches for a moment and exits.

[A-“Whatcha reading Snoopy? Is it Peanuts?”] [B-“No!”] [A-“Savage Love?”] [B-“No!”] [A-“The Personals?”] [ALL-“Old dog seeks bitch to much big bone.”]

CUT TO.

EXT. AN EMPTY LOT The PEANUTS GANG standing in the falling snow.

PATTY Try to get snowflakes on your tongue. It’s fun.

LINUS Mmm. Needs sugar. [Throw SUGAR PACKETS.]

LUCY It’s too early. I never eat December snowflakes. [“What do you think of Patty’s tits, Linus?”]

LINUS They sure look ripe to me.

CUT TO.

EXT. A WOODEN FENCE The PEANUTS GANG tries to knock a can off the wall with snowballs, with no success. [AD-LIB baseball related taunts. “A batter! Batter! Batter! Saw-wing batter!” Etc…] CHARLIE BROWN crosses through stops and watches. [“You throw like a girl!” “If it weren’t for gravity you couldn’t hit the ground!” “You couldn’t hit water if you fell out of a boat!” Etc…]

[Cheer on Linus.] LINUS puts a snowball in his blanket and snaps it like a sling toward the can. He knocks the can off the wall and proudly walks past the group. [“Cheater!”]

LUCY You think you’re so smart with that blanket. Whadda you going to do with it when you grow up?

LINUS Maybe I’ll make it into a (“prom dress.”)

As LUCY burns [“Fussbudget!”] CHARLIE BROWN walks over to Lucy’s psychiatric booth.

Cut to SCHROEDER and LUCY.

SCHROEDER I think you have a customer.

LUCY dashes over to the booth and clears away the snow. [“Lucy and the Blockhead are going to play doctor!”]

Sitting down, LUCY flips her sign from “The Doctor is Out” to “The Doctor is Real In.”

LUCY May I help you?

CHARLIE BROWN I’m in sad shape. [“Try exercise!”]

LUCY Wait a minute. Before you begin, I must ask that you pay in advance. Five cents, please.

[“Pocket Pool anyone?”] CHARLIE BROWN digs a nickel out of his pocket and drops it in the can with a “clink.”

LUCY Shaking the can. [Shake NOISE-MAKER or RATTLE.] Boy, what a sound. [“Shake your money maker, Lucy!”] How I love to hear that old money clink. That beautiful sound of cold hard cash. That beautiful beautiful sound. Nickels, nickels, nickels. That beautiful sound of clinking nickels. All right now, what seems to be your trouble? [“I can’t get laid!”]

CHARLIE BROWN I feel depressed. I know I should be happy, but I’m not.

LUCY Well, as they say on (“Oprah”), the mere fact that you realize that you need help indicates that you are not too far-gone. I think we’d better pinpoint your fears. If we can find out what you’re afraid of we can label it. Are you afraid of responsibility? (“Maybe you have commitment issues!”)

CHARLIE BROWN I don’t think that’s quite it.

LUCY How about cats? (“Do you find Lucy attractive?”)

CHARLIE BROWN Well, sort of, but I’m not sure.

LUCY Are you afraid of staircases? If you are, then you have climacaphobia. Maybe you have (“palace-aphobia”); this is the fear of (“castles.”) Or maybe gephyrobia, which is the fear of crossing bridges. Or maybe you have pantophobia. Do you think you have pantophobia?

CHARLIE BROWN What’s pantophobia?

LUCY (“The fear of pants!”)

CHARLIE BROWN THAT’S IT!

LUCY is blown off her seat. She gets up and approaches CHARLIE BROWN.

CHARLIE BROWN Actually, Lucy, my trouble is (“sex.”) I just don’t understand it. Instead of feeling happy, I feel sort of let down.

LUCY You need involvement. You need to get involved in some real Christmas project. How would you like to be the director of (“some Christmas porn?”)

CHARLIE BROWN Me? [“Do you know who’s the Charlie Browniest?”]

LUCY Sure, Charlie Brown. [Point to the Charlie Browniest. “No, he is!”] We need a director. You need involvement. We’ve got a shepherd, musicians, animals. Everyone you need. We’ve even got a Christmas Queen. [“Yay Linus!”]

CHARLIE BROWN But I don’t know anything about (“directing Christmas porn.”)

SNOOPY walks past LUCY and CHARLIE BROWN.

LUCY Don’t worry! I’ll be there to help you. I’ll meet you at the auditorium. Incidentally, I know how you feel about all this Christmas business; (“Does your drunk uncle ever touch you?”) It happens to me every year. (“Me too!”) I never get what I really want. I always get a lot of stupid toys or a bicycle or clothes or something like that.

CHARLIE BROWN What is it you want?

LUCY (“World Domination!”)

They both watch SNOOPY walk past carrying a box of X- mas lights and ornaments. [“It’s a Mystery, Charlie Brown.”] CHARLIE BROWN follows as SNOOPY begins decorating his doghouse. [AD-LIB “Snoopy’s been in the coke again!” “Do you have a permit?” Etc…]

CHARLIE BROWN What’s going on here? [“He always wanted to add a sun porch.”]

SNOOPY hands him a flyer.

CHARLIE BROWN What’s this? “Find the true meaning of Christmas. Win money, money, money! Spectacular super colossal neighborhood Christmas lights and display contest!” Lights and display contest! Oh no, my own dog, gone commercial! I can’t stand it! Oh! [“Fuck you Chex Mix!”]

CHARLIE BROWN throws the paper in the air and exits.

CUT TO.

EXT. A SNOW-COVERED SIDEWALK SALLY stand with a clipboard as CHARLIE BROWN approaches.

SALLY I’ve been looking for you, big brother. [“She Likes You, Charlie Brown”] Will you please write a letter to Santa Claus for me?

CHARLIE BROWN Well, I don’t have much time. I’m supposed to get down to the school auditorium and (“direct some Christmas porn.”)

SALLY You write it and I’ll tell you what I want to say.

CHARLIE BROWN Okay, shoot. [Point and shoot, “BANG!”]

SALLY Dear Santa Claus, how’ve you been? Did you have a nice summer? [“It was a Short Summer, Charlie Brown”] How is your wife? [“Did you get any?”] I have been extra good this year. So I have a long list of (“men”) that I want.

(AD-LIB list of male celebrities. “Johnny Depp, George Clooney, Brad Pitt” Etc…)

SALLY Please note the size and color of each (“male”), and send as many as possible. If it seems too complicated, make it easy on yourself. (“How much for a blow job?”) How about tens and twenties? [“Overpriced!”]

CHARLIE BROWN TENS AND TWENTIES!!! OH! EVEN MY BABY SISTER! [“Is a whore!’]

CHARLIE BROWN hands the clipboard back to SALLY and races away.

SALLY All I want is what I have coming to me. All I want is my fair share. [“And his share! And my share! And their share!”]

CUT TO.

INT. SCHOOL AUDITORIUM. [ALL DANCE Peanuts style!] The PEANUTS GANG dances on stage to jazz music. SCHROEDER on piano. PIG PEN plays an upright base, and SNOOPY plays guitar.

LUCY All right! Quiet everybody. Our director will be here any minute, and we’ll start rehearsal.

PATTY Director? What director?

LUCY (“The Blockhead!”)

VIOLET [Mirroring Violet.] Oh, no! We’re doomed. [“Fuck you!”]

PATTY This will be the worst Christmas play ever. [“You too, whoever you are!”]

LUCY Here he comes! Attention, everyone! Here’s our director!

General applause from the PEANUTS GANG

[Applaud (or) Boo with Snoopy.]

SNOOPY BOO!

CHARLIE BROWN looks at him.

CHARLIE BROWN Man’s best friend. [“He’s your dog, Charlie Brown.”]

CHARLIE BROWN walks over to the director’s chair and addresses the gang.

CHARLIE BROWN Well, it’s real good seeing you all here. [“Nice to be here, Chuck!”] As you know, we are going to put on (“some Christmas porn.”) (This is where we imitate Charlie Brown’s directions.) I’ll keep my directions simple. [As CB gives directions gesture like a flight attendant pointing out emergency exits.] If I point to the right, it means focus attention stage right. If I make a slashing motion across my throat, it means (“Off with his head!”). If I make a revolving motion with my hand it means, (“He’s crazy!”). If I spread my hands apart it means, (“Give me some room to breathe!”). It’s the spirit of the actors that counts – the interest that they show in their director. Am I right? I said, “Am I right?”

CUT TO.

The PEANUTS GANG is wildly dancing as before. [ALL DANCE (longest dance)]

CHARLIE BROWN Into megaphone. STOP THE MUSIC! [“Hey! What happened to the music?”]

CHARLIE BROWN cont’d All right, now. We’re going to do this (“porn”) and we’re going to do it right. Lucy, get those costumes and scripts and pass ‘em out. Now the script girl will be handing out your parts. [“Yay script girl!”]

INT. AUDITORIUM LUCY approaches FRIEDA with script and costume.

LUCY You’re the innkeeper’s wife. [“The whore!”]

FRIEDA Bouncing her curls in her hand. Did innkeepers’ wives have naturally curly hair? [“No, but whore’s do!”]

LUCY crosses to PIG PEN with script and costume.

LUCY Pig-Pen, you’re the innkeeper.

PIG PEN In spite of my outward appearance, I shall try to run a neat inn. [“Good luck.”]

LUCY crosses to SHERMY with script and costume.

LUCY Shermy, you’re a (“bastard.”)

SHERMY Every Christmas it’s the same. I always end up playing a (“bastard.”)

LUCY crosses to SNOOPY and hands him a script.

LUCY Snoopy, you’ll have to be all the (“celebrities”) in our play. (“Can you be Sheri Lewis?”)

SNOOPY Baaaaa!

LUCY (“How about Roseanne?”)

SNOOPY Mooooo!

LUCY (“How about Chaplin?”)

SNOOPY stands upright like a soldier and waddles around like a bird.

LUCY (“Yes, he’s even a good Chaplin.”)

SNOOPY dances around and tries to pick a fight with LUCY. [“How about Ali!”] He next threatens to bite her, [“How about Giuliani?”] before he perches on her head like a vulture.

LUCY No, no, no! [“Yes! Yes! Yes!”]

SNOOPY falls off her head.

LUCY Listen all of you. [Cup a hand to your ear. “Shhh! I’m trying to listen.”]

SNOOPY stands behind LUCY and imitates her as she speaks.

LUCY You’ve got to take direction. You’ve got to have respect for your director.

LUCY turns around and catches SNOOPY making fun of her.

LUCY I oughta slug you.

LUCY takes a swing but SNOOPY ducks and coming back up he licks LUCY. [Lick your neighbor! I dare you.]

LUCY UGH! I’ve been kissed by a dog! I’ve got dog germs! Get the hot water! Get some disinfectant! [“Can you do Lucille Ball?”]

SNOOPY Whaaaa!

LUCY Aaahhhh!

CHARLIE BROWN All right, all right. Script girl (“pull yourself together!”)

LUCY walks over to LINUS.

LUCY Linus, you’ve got to get rid of that stupid blanket.

She hands him a script and costume.

LUCY And here, memorize these lines.

LINUS I can’t memorize these lines. This is ridiculous! [“So’s your blanket!”]

LUCY Memorize it and be ready to recite when your cue comes.

LINUS I can’t memorize something like this so quickly. Why should I be put through such agony? [“But you love S&M.”] Give me one good reason why I should memorize this!

LUCY I’ll give you five good reasons. Making fist one finger at a time. [AD-LIB counting; i.e. “1 – 2 – 12 – 5 - 9!”]

LINUS Those are good reasons. Christmas is not only getting too commercial; it’s getting too dangerous. [“Get Met! It pays!”]

LUCY And get rid of that stupid blanket! What’s a (“Christmas Queen”) going to look like holding a stupid blanket like that? [“Royalty!” with a sassy finger snap.]

LINUS Well this is one (“Christmas Queen”) who’s going to keep his trusty blanket with him.

Drapes his blanket over his head.

LINUS See. You wouldn’t hit an innocent (“Queen”), would you? [“Innocent? HA!”]

CHARLIE BROWN tries to hold back his temper. LUCY approaches him.

LUCY Okay, Mister Director. The cast is set. Take over.

CHARLIE BROWN All right. Let’s have it quiet. Places, everybody. Schroeder set the mood for the first scene. [“Play it again, Charlie Brown!”]

SCHROEDER plays “Linus and Lucy” which sets the PEANUTS GANG off dancing again.

CHARLIE BROWN Cut! Cut! No, no, no. [Yes! Yes! Yes!”]

Walks over to FRIEDA and PIG PEN

[AD-LIB “What’s that smell?” “Pig Pen!” “Shame on you!” “How Rude!” Etc…]

CHARLIE BROWN Look, let’s rehearse the scene at the inn. Frieda, this is --

FREIDA We can’t go on. There’s too much dust. It’s taking the curl out of my naturally curly hair!

CHARLIE BROWN Don’t think of it as dust. Think of it as maybe the soil of some great, past civilization. Maybe the soil of ancient Babylon. (“Maybe it’s the soil of yo’ Mamma.”) He may be carrying the soil that was trod upon by Solomon. Or even Nebuchadnezzar!

PIG PEN Sort of makes you want to treat me with more respect, doesn’t it? [“Hell no!”]

FRIEDA You’re an absolute mess! Just look at yourself!

PIG PEN On the contrary, I didn’t think I looked that good. [Wolf whistles]

Cut to CHARLIE BROWN and LINUS.

CHARLIE BROWN Sally come here.

LINUS What do you want her for? [Imitate a porn soundtrack. “Bow Chick-a Bow-bow.”]

CHARLIE BROWN She’s going to be your wife. [“Sally gave Linus the clap.”]

LINUS Good Grief. [All yell.]

SALLY stands clapping her hands gleefully, surrounded by hearts. She walks over to LINUS and leans her head on his shoulder.

SALLY Isn’t he the cutest thing! He has the nicest sense of humor.

[“Yelling makes us hungry.”]

LUCY Lunch break! Lunch break!

CHARLIE BROWN Lunch break?

LUCY points to SNOOPY with his dog dish in his mouth. [“No tricks! No food!”] SNOOPY juggles the dish around like a soccer ball.

CHARLIE BROWN All right, now. There’s no time for foolishness. [Disappointed. “Aww.”] We’ve got to get on with our (“porn.”)

LUCY That’s right, what about my part? What about the Christmas Queen? [“Yay Linus!”] Hmmm? Are you going to let all this beauty go to waste? [“Uh…”] You do think I’m beautiful, don’t you Charlie Brown? [“Uh…”] You didn’t answer me right away. You had to think about it first, didn’t you? [“Uh…”] If you really thought I was beautiful you would have spoken right up.

LUCY cont’d I know when I’ve been insulted! [“What?”] I know when I’ve been insulted!

Exit LUCY

CHARLIE BROWN Good grief. [All yell.] All right let’s take it from the top again. Places. Action.

The PEANUTS GANG dances to “Linus and Lucy”.

LUCY snaps her fingers. [“Find the beat, Lucy!”]

LUCY Charlie Brown, isn’t this a great play?

CHARLIE BROWN throws his megaphone. [“What a Nightmare, Charlie Brown!”]

CHARLIE BROWN That does it! Now if we’re ever going to get this play off the ground we’ve got to have some co-operation. [“The wacky doctor’s game!”]

LUCY What’s the matter, Charlie Brown? Don’t you think it’s great?

CHARLIE BROWN It’s all wrong.

LUCY Look, Charlie, let’s face it. We all know that Christmas is a big commercial racket. It’s run by a big eastern syndicate, you know. [“Yeah, United Feature Syndicate!”]

CHARLIE BROWN Well this is one play that’s not gonna be commercial.

LUCY Look Charlie Brown, what do you want?

CHARLIE BROWN The proper mood. We need a Christmas tree.

LUCY Hey, perhaps a tree. A great, big, shiny aluminum Christmas tree. That’s it, Charlie Brown! You get the tree. I’ll handle this crowd. [“Dominatrix style!” Make a whip crack sound.]

CHARLIE BROWN Okay, I’ll take Linus with me. The rest of you practice your lines.

[In PEANUTS adult speak, “Wha wha whawhawha wha whaa.”]

LUCY Get the biggest aluminum tree you can find, Charlie Brown. Maybe paint it pink!

PATTY Yeah, do something right for a change, Charlie Brown. [“Who the hell ARE you?”]

FADE TO.

EXT. SCHOOL BACKDOOR-NIGHT CHARLIE BROWN and LINUS exit the school (FYI: It’s the same shot as the exit to lake at top of show, minus the skates.) CHARLIE BROWN stops at top of steps.

CHARLIE BROWN I don’t know Linus. I just don’t know. [A-“Blockhead! Blockhead! Blockhead!” B-“Rerun! Rerun! Rerun!”] Well, I guess we better concentrate on finding a nice tree.

They start toward town. (Same as the walk to the lake. But now there are searchlights.) [Ballyhoo FLASHLIGHTS on ceiling.]

LINUS I suggest we try those searchlights, Charlie Brown.

EXT. TREE LOT-NIGHT.

LINUS Knocking on a X-mas tree. [“Hey! Don’t knock the tree!”] This really brings Christmas close to a person.

CHARLIE BROWN Fantastic! [“Let’s have a look around!” AD-LIB “Oh! Ah!” “How about that one?” “I want the purple one!” Etc…]

Pan shot of various colorful trees. Zoom to tiny pine tree on a wooden stand.

LINUS Gee, do they still make wooden Christmas trees?

CHARLIE BROWN This little green one here seems to need a home.

LINUS I don’t know, Charlie Brown. Remember what Lucy said? [In a ghostly voice, “Get the pink tree!”] This doesn’t seem to fit the modern spirit.

CHARLIE BROWN I don’t care. We’ll decorate it, and it’ll be just right for our play.

CHARLIE BROWN picks up the tree [Throw PINE NEEDLES in the air.] and needles fall to the ground. CHARLIE BROWN smiles at LINUS [“There’s no time for love, Charlie Brown!”] and exits. LINUS follows.

CUT TO.

INT. SCHOOL AUDITORIUM SCHROEDER at the piano with LUCY leaning on it at the far end.

SCHROEDER This is the music I have selected for the Christmas play.

SCHROEDER plays “Fur Elise.”

LUCY What kind of Christmas music is that?

SCHROEDER Beethoven Christmas music. [“Hooray for Beethoven Christmas music!”]

LUCY What has Beethoven got to do with Christmas? Everyone talks about how great Beethoven was. Beethoven wasn’t so great.

SCHROEDER What do you mean, Beethoven wasn’t so great? [“He went deaf didn’t he?”]

LUCY He never got his picture on bubble gum cards did he? [Throw BUBBLE GUM CARDS.] Have you ever seen his picture on a bubble gum card? Huh? How can you say someone is great who’s never had his picture on bubble gum cards!

SCHROEDER Good Grief. [All yell.]

SCHROEDER begins playing some jazz. [“What kind of Christmas music is THAT?”] SNOOPY appears tapping his foot by the piano. [“Sing us a song you’re the piano man.”] As SNOOPY gets into the music [AD-LIB] he begins bobbing up and down until he finds himself dancing atop the piano. [“It’s Flash Beagle, Charlie Brown!”] [During Snoopy’s Russian Dance, “Hey! Hey! Hey!”] LUCY and SCHROEDER eventually notice and stare SNOOPY down. [“Who do you think you are?”] In his embarrassment, SNOOPY slinks off. SCHROEDER begins playing “Fur Elise” again.

LUCY Hey, by the way, can you play “Jingle Bells?”

[Sing along while,] SCHROEDER plays a classical arrangement of “Jingle Bells.”

LUCY No, no. I mean “Jingle Bells.” You know, deck them halls and all that stuff.

[Sing along Opera-style as,] SCHROEDER plays as if on an organ.

LUCY No, no! You don’t get it at all. I mean “Jingle Bells.” You know Santa Claus and Ho Ho Ho, mistletoe and presents to pretty girls. [“Nothing for you!”]

[Sing along “Batman smells” lyrics while ringing your BELL.] With one finger, SCHROEDER plays “Jingle Bells” on a toy piano. LUCY contemplates what she has heard.

LUCY THAT’S IT!

SCHROEDER is blown away from his piano. CHARLIE BROWN and LINUS return.

CHARLIE BROWN We’re back. [As Lucy and Schroeder look at the tree “The Horror. The Horror.”]

CHARLIE BROWN sets the tree on the piano and more needles fall off the tree. [Throw PINE NEEDLES in the air.] EVERYONE gathers around the piano to look at the tree.

VIOLET Boy are you stupid, Charlie Brown! [“You can’t win, Charlie Brown.”]

PATTY What kind of tree is that? [“Who the hell are you!”]

LUCY You were supposed to get a good tree. Can’t you even tell a good tree from a poor tree? [“It’s not even pink!”]

VIOLET I told you he’d goof it up. He’s not the kind you can depend on to do anything right! [“But he’s great in bed!”]

PATTY You’re hopeless, Charlie Brown. [“Who IS she?”]

FREIDA Completely hopeless.

CHARLIE BROWN Rats! [Mammy-Two Shoes AD-LIB.]

LUCY You’ve been dumb before Charlie Brown, but this time you really did it! [“Laugh, you evil pricks!”]

ALL laugh.

LUCY What a tree.

Half of the PEANUTS GANG walks away, except for SNOOPY, who continues to laugh, [“You too!”] then exits with the others. [“Very Funny, Charlie Brown.”] LINUS approaches CHARLIE BROWN.

CHARLIE BROWN I guess you were right, Linus. I shouldn’t have picked this little tree. Everything I do turns into a disaster. I guess I really don’t know what Christmas is all about.

CHARLIE BROWN cont’d ISN’T THERE ANYONE WHO KNOWS WHAT CHRISTMAS IS ALL ABOUT? [“Getting while the getting’s good!”]

LINUS Sure, Charlie Brown, I can tell you what Christmas is all about.

LINUS walks to center stage, dragging his blanket.

[The Charlie Browniest is brought in front of the TV and has to recite along with Linus. Everyone keep the flashlights on.]

LINUS Lights please. [Shine FLASHLIGHTS on the screen.]

Auditorium lights dim and a spotlight shines on LINUS.

LINUS [The Charlie Browniest reads along.] And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them; and they were sore afraid. And the angel said unto them, “Fear not; for, behold, I bring you tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Savior, which is Christ the Lord. And this shall be a sign unto you; ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes lying in a manger.” And suddenly there was the angel a Multitude of the heavenly host, praising God, and saying, “Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.” [“God bless us everyone!”]

Picks up his blanket and exits stage left. Approaches CHARLIE BROWN.

LINUS And that’s what Christmas is all about Charlie Brown. [“It’ll never sell.”]

[In the silence “Cricket, cricket, cricket.”] CHARLIE BROWN picks up the tree and walks out past the PEANUTS GANG. [A-“Bon Voyage Charlie Brown.” B-“And don’t come back!”] EVERYONE follows behind.

EXT. SCHOOL YARD-NIGHT CHARLIE BROWN begins the walk home. EVERYONE follows further back. CHARLIE BROWN stops and gazes up at the stars.

LINUS (VO) … for, behold, [“Can’t--Stop--Voices--In--Head. Must--Kill-- Santa!”] I bring you tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Savior, which is Christ the Lord. And this shall be a sign unto you… [“Star light. Star bright. First star I see tonight. Wish I may. Wish I might. Get laid this very night.”]

CHARLIE BROWN Linus is right. I won’t let all this commercialism ruin my Christmas. [“Sponsored by Regina vacuum cleaners!”]

He continues walking.

CHARLIE BROWN I’ll take this little tree home and decorate it, and I’ll show them it really will work in our play.

[A-“What’s with all the skipping?” B-“Maybe he’s the Christmas Queen!”] Fade out as CHARLIE BROWN walks into the distance.

[“Run Forrest, Run!”]

EXT. SNOOPY’S DOGHOUSE-NIGHT The doghouse is all light up with lights and has a first prize ribbon on it. CHARLIE BROWN approaches.

CHARLIE BROWN First Prize?! [“You sly dog.”] Oh, well, this commercial dog is not going to ruin my Christmas. [“Have a frosty A&W!”]

[AD-LIB – Beg CB not to put bulb on tree. “No, don’t do it!” Etc.] He takes an ornament from the doghouse and hangs it on the little tree. The tree slumps over from the weight of the bulb. [A-“You killed the tree!” B-“You bastard!”]

CHARLIE BROWN I’ve killed it! Augh! Everything I touch gets ruined!

CHARLIE BROWN exits, leaving the little tree.

The PEANUTS GANG enters and gathers around the tree. LINUS pulls up the droopy branch and wraps his blanket around the base of the tree.

LINUS I never thought it was such a bad little tree. [“Yes, you did!”] It’s not bad at all, really. [“Yes, it is!”] Maybe it just needs a little love.

[Decorate the Charlie Browniest and sing, “All you need is love! All together now! All you need is love! Everybody! All you need is love, love, love is all you need!”]

The PEANUTS GANG looks at the tree. Then as a mob they strip the doghouse, and decorate the tree, transforming it in to a beautiful Christmas tree.

LUCY Charlie Brown is a blockhead, but he did get a nice tree. [“Charlie Brown-noser”]

The PEANUTS GANG hums “Hark! The Herald!”

[Sing from “How the Grinch Stole Christmas” Fah who for-aze! Dah who dor-aze! Welcome Christmas, Come this way!

Fah who for-aze! Dah who dor-aze! Welcome Christmas, Christmas day!]

CHARLIE BROWN enters.

CHARLIE BROWN What’s going on here? [“It’s the fifth* annual Rocky Horror Christmas, and you weren’t invited!”]

He does a double take at the decorated tree.

ALL (“MERRY CHRISTMAS, CHARLIE BROWN!”)

CHARLIE BROWN smiles and joins in the festivities.

*Of course this varies!

ALL (Singing) [Sing along] Hark! The herald angels sing, “Glory to the new-born King! Peace on earth, and mercy mild; [Throw extra PACKING PEANUTS] God and sinners reconcil’d!” Joyful, all ye nations, rise, Join the triumph of the skies; With th’angelic host proclaim “Christ is born in Bethlehem!” Hark the herald angels sing. [Give yourself a hand!]

THE END

Alternate Linus Monologue The Alternate AP for Linus treats the school auditorium as a rock concert. You will need the additional prop of a beach ball (preferably painted to look like Charlie Brown’s head.) LINUS Sure, Charlie Brown, I can tell you what Christmas is all about.

LINUS walks to center stage, dragging his blanket. [“Ladies and gentle men, Freddie Mercury – The Christmas Queen!”]

LINUS Lights please. [Shine FLASHLIGHTS on the screen.]

Auditorium lights dim and a spotlight shines on LINUS.

[A-“Where the audience?] [B-“Shh! It’s a Stevie Wonder concert, don’t tell him.”] [A-“No, it’s a Mandy Moore concert after 7:30.”]

LINUS And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them; and they were sore afraid. [The BEACH BALL comes out and is bounced around the audience throughout the rest of the speech] And the angel said unto them, “Fear not; for, behold, I bring you tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Savior, which is Christ the Lord. And this shall be a sign unto you; ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes lying in a manger.” And suddenly there was the angel a Multitude of the heavenly host, praising God, and saying, “Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.” [Women yell “And women!”]