Why, Charlie Brown, Why?”]
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A PEANUTSTM SPECIAL IT’S A ROCKY HORROR CHRISTMAS, CHARLIE BROWN! Written by Charles Schulz FOURTH DRAFT PROP LIST: What audience members will need: White Packing Peanuts (round is best) A Small Bell A Peppermint Patty Sugar Packets (accept no Equal!) Party Noise-Makers (or baby rattle) A Flashlight Pine Needles Bubble Gum Cards (NOT Pokemon or Magic Cards!) Additional Props: Box of Christmas Decorations First Prize Ribbon GENERAL INFORMATION: Audience instructions are in boldface. Text in quotes is to be shouted. Text in parentheses is to be shouted in unison with the videotape. Whenever Charlie Brown appears, or especially, is introduced the line “Blockhead” is appropriate. With more discretion, the line “Fussbudget” is appropriate to Lucy. A Note about A & B The A & B call and response lines are similar to the front row/back row lines at RHPS. It works best to divide the guests into A’s and B’s before showing the X- mas special. 1 And now a word from Pee Wee Herman: “Today’s secret word is – Conky, if you please…thanks. The secret word is: ‘GOOD GRIEF!’” Thanks Pee Wee. You all know what to do if you hear the secret word…SCREAM!! A Word about “Rats!” The proper reaction to a character saying “Rats” was given to us by Mammy-Two Shoes (voice of Lilian Randolph) in the Tom and Jerry Cartoons. “Skirts” (figurative and literal) should be hiked up. Feet stomp around in a little dance. (You can do this sitting in your seat.) And screaming things like “EEEEE!” “A rat!” “Save me!” “Help” Shoo! Shoo!” Etc… A Note about the “Charlie Browniest” The hazing of Virgins is an essential part of the Rocky Horror experience and “A Rocky Horror X-mas” is no different. Since any party has close to 75% Virgins, it is best to just grab one before starting the X-mas special and subject them to our joyous brand of light- hearted razzing. A Note about Costumes Never make fun of someone for “dressing up” – especially if his or her costume is not exact. The point is that their heart is in it and that’s what it is all about. One host, when his guest didn’t dress up, used black tape to give everyone a zigzag across their shirts ala Charlie Brown. (Of course he ruined a lot of shirts.) An Invitation to Growth An important note here: Audience Participation is NOT fixed. If you feel a new line coming on, YELL IT! A big part of keeping the show fresh is creating new lines. More importantly: for Rocky Horror Charlie Brown to live on and grow I hope you will keep this script and pass copies along to your friends. Most importantly: Host your own Rocky Horror Christmas Charlie Brown Party! 2 EXT. EVENING Pan winter scene; [At opening bars of music, A-“Now is the winter of our discontent.” B-“Wrong show.” A-“Marley was dead; to begin with.” B-“Wrong show.” All-“It was a dark and stormy night”] move to a frozen pond where the PEANUTS GANG (minus Charlie Brown, Linus and Snoopy) is ice-skating. “Christmas Time is Here” continuously plays under the action. Christmas time is here, Happiness (“and beer!”) Fun for all that children Call their favorite time of year. CROSS FADE TO [Chanting in unison, A-“Blockhead! Blockhead! Blockhead!” B-“Linus! Linus! Linus!”] EXT. DOORSTEP CHARLIE BROWN and LINUS exit the house carrying ice skates and make their way to the lake. Snowflakes in the air, [Throw PACKING PEANUTS.] Carols everywhere, [“Carol? Are you Carol?”] Olden times and ancient rhymes Of love and dreams to share. They stop at a brick wall. [“Why’d your hair fall out, Charlie Brown?”] 3 CHARLIE BROWN I think there must be something wrong with me, Linus. [“Maybe it’s the chemo!”] But I’m not happy. I don’t feel the way I’m supposed to feel. [“Wake up!”] They continue walking. [“Why, Charlie Brown, why?”] CHARLIE BROWN I just don’t understand Christmas, I guess. [“Explain it, Blockhead!”] I might be getting presents and sending Christmas cards and decorating trees and all that, but I’m still not happy. I always end up feeling depressed. [“Try Prozac”] LINUS Charlie Brown, you’re the only person I know who can take a wonderful season like Christmas and turn it into a problem. Maybe Lucy’s right. Of all the Charlie Browns in the world, you’re the Charlie Browniest! [Point to the Charlie Browniest, “No he’s the Charlie Browniest!”] They turn and walk toward the skating pond. The PEANUTS GANG are skating and singing. (song cont’d) Sleigh bells in the air; [Ring BELLS] Beauty everywhere; Yuletide by the fireside And joyful memories there; EXT. LAKE SNOOPY is skating solo. [“Show off!”] He grabs LUCY’s hand and skates off. More kids join hands to make a long tail. 4 [Rhythmically “Ev-ery Bo-dy Con-ga! Ev-ery Bo-dy Con-ga!”] SNOOPY cracks the whip and kids fly in all directions. (song cont’d) Christmas time is here; Families drawing near; Oh that we could always see Such spirit through the year. SNOOPY is left spinning [“Wipe out.”] and comes to a stop as LINUS and CHARLIE BROWN skate into the scene. SNOOPY charges in, grabs Linus’ blanket in his mouth and drags LINUS off. As they race past CHARLIE BROWN, he gets caught in the blanket and SNOOPY spins them both around. [Sing Devo – “When a good time turns around/You must whip it/You will never live it down/Unless you whip it!”] CHARLIE BROWN is snapped off, spins on the ice and slides into a tree. [“Avalanche!”] A snow avalanche falls over him and title appears over the shot: [“It’s a Rocky Horror Christmas, Charlie Brown!”] INT. CHARLIE BROWN’S HOUSE – DAY CHARLIE BROWN stands at the window watching the snowfall. [“Don’t just stand there. Do something!”] He crosses to a chair and puts on his coat. EXT. FRONG DOOR. CHARLIE BROWN walks to his mailbox and looks around. [“Quit being paranoid!”] He looks inside. 5 CHARLIE BROWN Helloooo in there! [“Helloooo out there!”] Rats! [Mammy-Two Shoes AD-LIB.] Nobody sent me a Christmas card today. Begins walking. CHARLIE BROWN I almost wish there weren’t a holiday season. I know nobody likes me. Why do we have to have a holiday season to emphasize it? [“Because you’re a blockhead!”] Approaches Violet who is reading a X-mas card. CHARLIE BROWN Thanks for the Christmas card you sent me, Violet. VIOLET I didn’t send you a Christmas card, Charlie Brown. [“Whatta bitch!”] She walks away. CHARLIE BROWN Don’t you know a sarcasm when you hear it? [“Snappy comeback, Charlie Brown!”] CUT TO. EXT. A DIRTY SNOW MAN CHARLIE BROWN comes to a large snowman. [A-“What’ll we call ‘im?”] [B-“Sparky?”] [A-“Nah!”] [B-“Charlotte Braun?”] 6 [A-“No!”] [ALL-“Peppermint Patty!?!” Throw PATTY.] PIG PEN appears from behind the snowman, patting the snow into place. CHARLIE BROWN Pig Pen; you’re the only person I know who could raise a cloud of dust in a snowstorm. CUT TO. EXT. SNOOPY’S DOGHOUSE SNOOPY sits atop his doghouse munching on a pile of bones while he reads the newspaper. CHARLIE BROWN approaches and watches for a moment and exits. [A-“Whatcha reading Snoopy? Is it Peanuts?”] [B-“No!”] [A-“Savage Love?”] [B-“No!”] [A-“The Personals?”] [ALL-“Old dog seeks bitch to much big bone.”] CUT TO. EXT. AN EMPTY LOT The PEANUTS GANG standing in the falling snow. PATTY Try to get snowflakes on your tongue. It’s fun. LINUS Mmm. Needs sugar. [Throw SUGAR PACKETS.] 7 LUCY It’s too early. I never eat December snowflakes. [“What do you think of Patty’s tits, Linus?”] LINUS They sure look ripe to me. CUT TO. EXT. A WOODEN FENCE The PEANUTS GANG tries to knock a can off the wall with snowballs, with no success. [AD-LIB baseball related taunts. “A batter! Batter! Batter! Saw-wing batter!” Etc…] CHARLIE BROWN crosses through stops and watches. [“You throw like a girl!” “If it weren’t for gravity you couldn’t hit the ground!” “You couldn’t hit water if you fell out of a boat!” Etc…] [Cheer on Linus.] LINUS puts a snowball in his blanket and snaps it like a sling toward the can. He knocks the can off the wall and proudly walks past the group. [“Cheater!”] LUCY You think you’re so smart with that blanket. Whadda you going to do with it when you grow up? LINUS Maybe I’ll make it into a (“prom dress.”) As LUCY burns [“Fussbudget!”] CHARLIE BROWN walks over to Lucy’s psychiatric booth. Cut to SCHROEDER and LUCY. 8 SCHROEDER I think you have a customer. LUCY dashes over to the booth and clears away the snow. [“Lucy and the Blockhead are going to play doctor!”] Sitting down, LUCY flips her sign from “The Doctor is Out” to “The Doctor is Real In.” LUCY May I help you? CHARLIE BROWN I’m in sad shape. [“Try exercise!”] LUCY Wait a minute. Before you begin, I must ask that you pay in advance. Five cents, please. [“Pocket Pool anyone?”] CHARLIE BROWN digs a nickel out of his pocket and drops it in the can with a “clink.” LUCY Shaking the can. [Shake NOISE-MAKER or RATTLE.] Boy, what a sound. [“Shake your money maker, Lucy!”] How I love to hear that old money clink. That beautiful sound of cold hard cash.