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CHALLENGING MONONORMATIVE BIAS for a MULTITUDE of MONOGAMIES I

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CHALLENGING MONONORMATIVE BIAS for a MULTITUDE of MONOGAMIES I CHALLENGING MONONORMATIVE BIAS FOR A MULTITUDE OF MONOGAMIES i The Fluid and Blurred Boundaries of Love: Challenging Mononormative Bias in Counselling to Support a Multitude of Monogamies and Beyond Miranda E. Harvey A Capstone Research Project submitted in partial fulfillment of the requirements for the degree of Master of Counselling (MC) City University of Seattle Victoria BC, Canada site June 2, 2021 APPROVED BY Danelle Kabush, PhD, RCC, Capstone Supervisor, Master of Counselling Faculty Shelley Dewar, MA, RCC, Faculty Reader, Master of Counselling Faculty School of Health and Social Sciences CHALLENGING MONONORMATIVE BIAS FOR A MULTITUDE OF MONOGAMIES ii The Fluid and Blurred Boundaries of Love: Challenging Mononormative Bias in Counselling to Support a Multitude of Monogamies and Beyond APPROVED: ______________________________________________________________ (Faculty Advisor) __________________________________________________ (Principal of Canadian Programs) CHALLENGING MONONORMATIVE BIAS FOR A MULTITUDE OF MONOGAMIES iii Abstract Consensual non-monogamy, or romantic pluralism as I prefer to call it, is increasing in acceptance and visibility in Western society. In response, institutions like academia and helping professions like counselling are working to respond appropriately by challenging mononormative bias, the presumed superiority of monogamy and its associated scripts, for the sake of romantically plural individuals and families. However, the rising popularity of these relationship styles and factors like high divorce and infidelity rates among monogamous couples are influencing the expressions and practices of monogamy as well: the line between monogamy and romantic pluralism is blurring on the romantic spectrum and in everyday life. Unfortunately, the literature tends to dichotomise romantic pluralism and monogamy, leaving a gap in evidence- based guidance for meeting the needs of contemporary monogamous individuals and families. To help bridge this gap, challenging mononormative bias and complementary non-dualistic therapeutic approaches prepare counsellors in meeting the diverse needs of clients identifying anywhere along the romantic spectrum. CHALLENGING MONONORMATIVE BIAS FOR A MULTITUDE OF MONOGAMIES iv Acknowledgements I am grateful to live, learn, work, and play as an uninvited guest on the unceded and traditional territories of the Lək̓ ʷəŋən peoples, particularly the Songhees, Esquimalt and W̱ SÁNEĆ peoples. Without the graciousness of my hosts and their relatives, this paper would not have been possible. I also want to acknowledge Robert van Tol, whose phrase “fluid and blurred” graces my title, as a poignant way to describe the boundaries we impose between relationship styles (van Tol, 2017, pp. 277, 279, 280). CHALLENGING MONONORMATIVE BIAS FOR A MULTITUDE OF MONOGAMIES v Dedication To my family for protecting me, my friends for pondering with me, my romances for pushing me, my therapists for palliating me, and my faculty advisor and reader for helping polish my work: I am forever prostrated in gratitude. In particular, thank you to: Laura Hébert, editor – thank you for your precious friendship and invaluable feedback Dr. Danelle Kabush, faculty advisor – thank you for your contagious enthusiasm and critical eye Dr. Shelley Dewar, faculty reader – thank you for your professional wisdom and expertise CHALLENGING MONONORMATIVE BIAS FOR A MULTITUDE OF MONOGAMIES vi There is little one can say about love. It has to be lived, and it’s always in motion. ~ Jalāl ad-Dīn Muhammad Rūmī The fundamental human need for love, for connection, for passion, for transcendence will never change. The expressions, the forms, the institutions in which we will seek those fundamental human aspirations will continuously transform. ~ Esther Perel, “The Lies We Tell Ourselves About Monogamy and Relationships with Esther Perel and Lewis Howes” [YouTube.com] CHALLENGING MONONORMATIVE BIAS FOR A MULTITUDE OF MONOGAMIES vii Table of Contents Abstract...........................................................................................................................................iii Acknowledgments..........................................................................................................................iv Dedication........................................................................................................................................v Quotes.............................................................................................................................................vi Table of Contents...........................................................................................................................vii Chapter 1: Introduction....................................................................................................................1 Introduction..........................................................................................................................1 Background..........................................................................................................................2 Definition of Terms..............................................................................................................3 Relationship.............................................................................................................3 Adultery, Affair, Cheating, and Infidelity...............................................................4 Relationship Style....................................................................................................5 Romantic Pluralism..................................................................................................5 Polygamy.................................................................................................................6 Mononormativity.....................................................................................................7 Mononormative Bias................................................................................................7 Stability....................................................................................................................8 Compersion..............................................................................................................8 Purpose................................................................................................................................9 Thesis Statement..................................................................................................................9 Significance........................................................................................................................10 Scope..................................................................................................................................11 CHALLENGING MONONORMATIVE BIAS FOR A MULTITUDE OF MONOGAMIES viii Outline for the Remainder of the Paper.............................................................................11 Chapter 2: Literature Review.........................................................................................................12 History of Relationship Counselling..................................................................................12 Context...................................................................................................................12 Tradition.................................................................................................................13 Evolution................................................................................................................19 Relationship Assumptions and Constructs.........................................................................22 Casual Sex..............................................................................................................22 Trust.......................................................................................................................24 Jealousy..................................................................................................................26 Stability and Exclusivity........................................................................................28 The Romantic Spectrum....................................................................................................31 Monogamy.............................................................................................................32 Monogamish..........................................................................................................34 Consensual Nonmonogamy (CNM)......................................................................36 Open Relationships................................................................................................39 Polyamory..............................................................................................................42 Relationship Satisfaction and Romantic Pluralism............................................................46 The Problems with Mononormativity................................................................................48 Institutional Bias....................................................................................................48 Seeking Legitimacy...............................................................................................49 Forms of Mononormative Bias and the Ideas that Challenge Them.....................51 Chapter 3: Challenging Mononormative
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