0 The Paschal Season: Celebrating the CD Spring Holidays n the Christian/Jewish household, Easter, your only problem is to CO the spring holidays are an ever- remember not to eat meat at break• '+-« changing challenge. fast or lunch on the first two days so CO I that you're free to partake of the Jewish Passover, preceded by Purim seder. Unless, of course, one of those and Christian Easter, preceded by days falls on Thursday/Friday or on Lent and Holy Week, are both Tuesday/Wednesday, if you're determined by the lunar calendar, abstaining then too. Well, a perfectly but the Christian church made a C/) lovely, if unconventional, seder can deliberate and largely successful be made without meat. effort to sunder them by using a 0 different system, so in a mixed If seder night falls on Holy Thursday, marriage you'll seldom have the you're in luck, sort of There is a same spring schedule two certain piquancy in realizing years in a row. that many Christian churches now encourage their faithful to Ash Wednesday comes first celebrate some form of seder (March 21 at the latest), and on the Thursday before CD Lent begins. But then comes Easter, as a recognition that Purim. Isn't the celebration what Christians call the Last out of keeping with the Supper was evidently a spirit of the Christian Passover celebration. But CD season? On the other hand, \ recognize that this kind of Purim is a nice holiday for kids, "— combination of elements of the sending costumed children out to seder with a commemoration of bring sweets to the neighbors and the institution of the Eucharist may encouraging mild mayhem with make the Jewish partner uncomfort• noisemakers during the synagogue able, and talk out what you both service. want ahead of time.
Since the Catholic Church has When there's a seder designated for relaxed the rigor of fasting require• Good Friday, the situation can be ments to merely abstaining from emotionally sticky for the Christian meat on Wednesdays and Fridays, and having meat only once a day the rest of the week, Catholics should be able to work this out. A Christian abstainer might reckon days in the In This Issue Jewish manner, sunset to sunset, and therefore be able to abstain from The Fifth Question 3 meat on "Friday" —i.e., starting on Thursday evening—and still have Grandma's Gefilte Fish 5 flanken for Shabbat dinner. (As for Awaiting Resurrection 7 what canon law might say about this Dovetail on Television 8 adjustment. Dovetail adviser Eugene Letters to the Editor 11 Fisher suggests: don't ask, don't tell.) Holiday Calendar 2003 12 The real comphcations set in later Doing for Dovetail 13 on. When Passover falls well before
Volume 11, Number 4 March/April 2003 ^Dovetail
Mary Helene Rosenbaum is editor partner, who may feel uneasy about whole idea of Easter, often associated the celebratory atmosphere. It might with pogroms and slaughter in of the Dovetail Journal; Stanley be useful here to concentrate on the Europe, may make a Jewish partner Ned Rosenbaum is a director of reason this Friday is called "good," on edgy. the Dovetail Institute. Portions of this the close kinship between the holiday Once that's been worked out, article were adapted from their book. in which Jews celebrate their freeing recognize that the two holidays from bondage in Egypt and the one Celebrating Our Differences: have similar spirits—celebrate them that Christians believe marks their Living Two Faiths in One Marriage together as much as feels comfort• freeing from the bondage of sin. able to you both. (Shippensburg, PA: Ragged Edge Easter can fall as early as March 22 Press 1994; pb ed. 1999), available or as late as April 25. The range for We hope this issue of Dovetail helps at www.dovetailinstitute.org or the first or second nights of Passover you explore these issues. Reading (seder nights) is March 25 to April 800-530-1596. Copyright© 1999, about others' insights may support 25. The chief problem with Easter you to find a mode of celebration all rights reserved. Reprinted by and Passover coinciding is that the that suits the choices you have made permission. for your own family. ^
Many thanks to the following benefactors for recent especially generous gifts or low-interest loans:
Thomas and Jennifer Cafferty Dr. Sarah C. Rosenbaum Please remember us in Dr. Florence M. Smith your will and trusts.
Dovetail's website: www.dovetailinstitute.org. Online discussion group: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/interfaith.
Dovetail's mission is to provide a channel Dovetail (ISSN 1062-7359) is published Dovetail's Staff of communication for interfaith couples, their bimonthly (6 times per year) by: The Dovetail parents, and their children. No matter what Institute for Interfaith Family Resources, their specific choices regarding faith for their 775 Simon Greenwell Ln., Boston, KY 40107; home and children, the more interfaith tel 800-530-1596; fax 502-549-3543; Email [email protected]. Mary Helene Rosenbaum families can share their ideas, experiences, resources, and support, the more they can A one-year subscription is available for Editor make peace in their homes and communities. $29.95 from the above address. International Jewish and Christian perspectives can dovetail. subscriptions are $35.00. Single issues are available for $5.50 each. (Michigan residents Dr. Silvine Farnell Believing that there are no definitive answers to the questions facing interfaith families, Dovetail please add 6% sales tax on back issue orders.) Associate Editor strives to be open to all ideas and opinions. Dovetail welcomes article submissions Editorial content attempts to balance and respect (query or completed manuscript), letters the perspectives of both Jewish and Christian Joan C. Hawxhurst, M.A. to the editor, and comments or suggestions. partners in interfaith marriages, as well Send to M. H. Rosenbaum, Editor, at the Founding Editor as the diverse perspectives of parents and above address. children of interfaith couples. Inclusion in Dovetail does not imply endorsement. Copyright © 2003 by Dovetail accepts a thoughtful and constructive William D. Rosenbaum The Dovetail Institute for discussion of all related issues in the Letters to Design Consultant Interfaith Family Resources. the Editor section, and reserves the right to reply. All rights reserved.
March/April 2003 page 2 The Fifth Question by Nan Meyer
oth my husband and I have Difficult Days Nan Meyer, a retired journahst, is the interfaith marriages in our author of a user-friendly haggadah. Those days were not happy for me. families, going back three The Inter-Faith Family Seder Book: B I had left a career I loved to care for generations. He had a Jewish How to Celebrate a Jewish Passover my Alzheimer's-stricken mother-in- grandmother; I had a Christian Supper with Christian In-Laws & law. This lady hadn't liked me that grandfather. His Protestant father Non-Jewish Friends, which she much when she had her mind. Now and Catholic mother had to elope. originally wrote for her own family. as cruel as a naughty child, she was My parents were an atheist and an See page 19 for ordering informa• heaping anti-Semitic comments on Orthodox Jew, which is a really tion. me daily. Our daughter was looking mixed marriage. However, there seriously at a handsome young man, is also a straight, unbroken line of who wasn't Jewish. Oh no, not her Judaism in my family reaching back too, I thought. Both our sons were through the centuries. married to lovely, but non-Jewish, And every year at the Passover Seder spouses. So much of our religion is table, when the traditional Four home-oriented. Without a young Questions are asked by the youngest Jewish family, who would continue person present, this ritual reaffirms the traditions, make the Seder, when our connection with those who came I got old and tired? before us. In our immediate family, Even my Jewish niece was going after our daughter chanted the Four out with a young man who was very Questions in Hebrew, she would turn pleasant but Christian. That, I could to her much older brothers and understand. She had grown up demand, "When are you guys going without any religious training. to get me out of this?" And little Her father had died too young; sister's "Fifth Question," as we began her mother, angry at God, had to call it, was still being asked long fled Judaism. after her brothers married, and our daughter grew to be a beautiful Our daughter was our last child, our young woman. last hope for a link with the future. But I was home now; I had time. My Finally, there was a grandchild, a daughter's boyfriend was always glad clever tyke who could easily have to eat with us. (Truthfully, he was learned the Four Questions, but she always glad to eat.) I would start had a Christian mother who couldn't inviting him on Friday nights and teach her Hebrew. Besides, the child expose him to our Sabbath dinner had been baptized, and her parents traditions. I'd always lit Sabbath didn't want her confused. The candles. Now I became conscientious family's Judaism had survived with all the rest: the challah, saying imprisonment, pogroms, and the Kiddush, a dinner with a Jewish I admit my heart swelled Holocaust. Now, however, there flavor, served on a finely set table. as I heard his young voice weren't many of us left and Judaism And from sundown Friday to requires people. I worried, was sundown Saturday, I would insist singing the traditional everything Jewish going to end in on Sabbath peace, which I needed words. My father's this generation? That was my Fifth because my mother-in-law was now Question. grandson was our next generation, continuing the tradition.
March/April 2003 page 3 ^Dovetail
living with us. (She had never A New Day forgiven me when—twelve years Then one Friday evening, my niece HOW TO ORDER into our marriage—my husband and her new husband proudly converted to Judaism. It was of his DOVETAIL: produced a sonogram. They were own volition, which she disbelieved.) To place a credit card order for expecting. Wine and congratulations flowed. Then, shyly they said, "We've your own or a gift subscription To make the Sabbath dinner more festive, I often invited my niece and been talking. We have decided to to Dovetail, please call her boyfriend. My daughter's young raise our children Jewish. Will you 800-530-1596. To order by mail, man was from a dysfunctional teach us how to be a Jewish family?" send your check for $29.95, family. He was noticeably moved My husband and I were humbled. made payable to DI-IFR, to: when we included him in the More particularly, I was stunned. Sabbath blessing of the children. My niece hadn't been my target. DI-IFR And he loved the food. My nephew-in-law continued, 775 Simon Greenwell Ln. Time passed. Both my daughter and "We've been impressed with the Boston, KY 40107 my niece became engaged to their serenity of your home, especially young men. The two girls did much the Sabbath dinners. We want that Special Offer: Send S59.95 for of their planning and shopping for our home." And they do have a one-year membership in The together. My niece married in the a Jewish home. My niece makes the Dovetail Institute for Interfaith winter. My daughter planned a family's second Seder dinner. She Family Resources. This includes spring wedding. As a child, my niece and I alternate preparing Friday's a year's subscription to Dovetail, had played the violin. Thus when our Sabbath dinner. As soon as her son Reform temple had a program of could, he began chanting the blessing a 10% discount on conference Jewish music, I invited her to the for the wine. (Remarkably, he had a fees and tape or transcript costs, service. When we came to the speech problem in English, but and automatic inclusion on the Kaddish, I nudged her to stand and chants Hebrew flawlessly.) mailing list for free brochures whispered the explanation that she This last Passover he attempted to on interfaith topics. This sum could recite this prayer for her dead ask the Four Questions, so "getting also includes a $30 tax- father. Afterwards, I found her little sister out of it." I admit my weeping copiously. She hadn't known deductible donation to this non• heart swelled as I heard his young she could do anything for her dad. profit organization, and will help voice singing the traditional words. She began to accompany us to us continue in our work of non- My father's grandson was our next services. judgmental research and generation, continuing the tradition. I listened carefully; I said nothing. education in Jewish/Christian The two weddings came and went. My niece and her Christian groom After the Seder, this little boy came to marriage. were married by a judge in the local me and confessed, "I was only able to Thank you for your support. botanical garden. The interfaith learn the First Question in Hebrew, service planned for my daughter so I said it four times. I promise I'll and her groom became a Jewish know them all in Hebrew next year. ceremony because his side neglected Do you think it's all right with God?" to engage a minister. The Friday I told the child I was sure it was all night Sabbath dinners at our right... and in my heart I knew that house continued, occasionally things were going to be all right for with one or both young couples. all of us. P
March/April 2003 page 4 Blessings, Blushes, Bruises: Grandma's Gefilte Fish by Sandra Carpenter
eptember's searing heat of a Friday morning was special. In the Sandra Carpenter is a freelance Mississippi morning melts kitchen, wrapped up in a canvas writer whose credits include Bridal the tar beneath my feet. The apron. Grandma began, her flour- S Guide, Persimmon Hill, and columns walk along Bessemer Boulevard white hair falling about her face. reminds Grandma of the Devil Those long, black hairpins sprang in over 200 travel magazines and reaching up to grab at her shoes. from the wiry bun at the nape of her newspapers. She lives in Oceanside, One of the highlights of my young neck in any major effort. She'd never California. life is visiting Natchez, Mississippi, weighed more than 99 pounds, and the home of my father's parents. His at age 61 seemed so old to me in her dad was the son of an Episcopalian zippered, blue housedress, with the minister, his mother had been horseradish stain, only used for this Rebecca Marx from a Jewish family purpose. She armed herself with of Biloxi. The scandal, on both sides a wooden mallet. To me it seemed of this match, made in the last year too unwieldy, but she handled it like of the 19th century, had died down. Hercules, whacking the head of the Still, there were occasional cultural fish over and over. Long after she differences that made us all giggle. said it was dead the tail of that fish Or blush. Or bruise. twitched an uncomfortable number of times. This made me uneasy, but The one standing out in my mind Grandpa said nerve impulses made had to do with her gefilte fish. On the tail jump after it was a goner. He Thursday mornings I shopped with always had the answers. Grandma (she preferred Bubbe, but Grandpa said if he had to be a The Vital Things Grandfather then she was Grandma). Then the vital things started: the We walked to the store, a fascinating making of gefilte fish, the first course place with a large tank holding of her Sabbath meal, which Grandpa swimming fish. We studied them, graciously allowed—but in trade, then pointed to the preferred. Mr. Sunday was his day for pork roast. Katz "fished" him out with a net. It Even if you had nothing, like their wasn't always a successful operation: neighbors, the Kravitzes, you saved fish didn't wait to be caught, but all week to make it Shabbos. Across swam swiftly. Often, he caught the the narrow street, Dora Kravitz stood She had accepted the wrong fish. I enjoyed this immensely, at her kitchen window every Friday deciding Grandma was smart —she faith of her husband as morning, with the same sounds never got confused on her selection, coming from the metal chopper the tenets of 19th-century and stuck by her first choice. Finally banging a wooden bowl. This was our flawless fish caught, wrapped in marriage demanded, had done for hours, long enough to make layers of newspaper, he tied around five pounds of fish into something forsaken her heritage and string hanging from a metal cage that resembled mashed potatoes but near the ceiling. I wondered, how family, never to see them was really whitefish mixed with carp. did it get up there? The skin of the fish became pockets again, drummed out like holding the choppings along with We walked home triumphant, feeling an army deserter. Yet the vegetables, special spices, and herbs. clever about having gotten the right one for us. The fish was unwrapped heart's core was a Hebrew Mr. Kravitz told me he was supposed as the bathtub filled. He'd spend his to turn up for the meal looking like a one, no one could mistake last day in comfort, the least we bridegroom, after a serious bath. could do. that inner tradition.
March/April 2003 page 5 ^Dovetail
(remnding me that their fish had second, feisty son, so much like her, desert. Still, her matzoh balls so recently swum there.) No white while Gran's first-born, my Uncle were like feathers. Carrots, tablecloth? Then you used a clean David, had the reserved demeanor cabbage, spinach, and beets melted white bedsheet. If you ate coarse of the Episcopal minister he was in a savory soup. We had half-sour brown bread all week, you baked meant to be. Daddy adored her, yes, pickles and half-sour tomatoes— a golden loaf, and put it on a silver but she embarrassed him tonight, it garlicky, crunchy, delectable. Her plate if you had one. Best of all to was clear. special dessert was a combination Grandma, you put worries and of prunes, sweet potatoes, carrots, Then Grandpa's hand hit the lace- labors away, and your duty was butter, brown sugar, lemon juice, and draped table with a swat sending to celebrate the best life has to offer. golden raisins baked until honey soft. silver dishes an inch into the air, Grandma always forgave Grandpa his None was ever left over. Grandpa saw "Becca, enough already!" His tone trespasses on Friday night. At age 6, to that with licks of the huge serving unmistakable: he's hungry. But who could guess what that meant? spoon. She had accepted the faith of her Grandma wouldn't let him get away husband as the tenets of 19th- with it, picking up the cup of sweet Tea was the meal's crowning touch at century marriage demanded, had Kosher wine to chant the blessing. I the end. Everyone wanted a different forsaken her heritage and family, had a teaspoon of the wine, feeling kind, but I loved Sweetouchne Tea in never to see them again, drummed quite grown up. Serenely she a metal box painted red and gold out like an army deserter. Yet the completed her sing-song, hand with a lid swinging back on heavy heart's core was a Hebrew one, no reaching for mine. I rose to stand hinges. I had a teaspoon of cherry one could mistake that inner beside her and the faded yellow preserves in the bottom of my glass. tradition. shawl slid over my blonde hair. Grandma put a lump of sugar Abruptly, my father stood, taking her between her teeth, sipping tea Before the sun went down. Grandma arm and mine in a trinity of joined through it. Others drank tea from lit the candlesticks, the same ones her generations. Her sparkling brown cups, yet they had metal framed mother secretly gave for her wedding eyes met my youthful blue ones in an glasses with fancy, rose-carved present 40 years before. She put intent smile, and I realized my small handles, which also had been a golden silk shawl over her head, hand resting on her work-worn one clandestine wedding gifts from her waving her hands over the candle was cut from the same ancient cloth. family's rabbi, treasured always. A flames, gathering blessings for our noisy, arguing, loving family, who She'd taught the Head of her family. She half sang: "May our taught me that diversity could be Household, Grandpa, under great home be consecrated, O God, by Thy delicious. I'll always remember duress, to cut off the end of the loaf, light ." By then, Grandpa (who had that—with every taste of tea, break off a piece and pass it, hand to been the city's newspaper editor, and with every sniff of fish. ^ hand at the table. It wasn't ever should know better) would be tiring offered on a plate, but handed of the whole ritual and say, "Good about while Grandma softly sang bread, good meat. Good God, Let's her dedication. Now her Shabbos was eat!" My flustered mother, of the official. The gefilte fish was tasty, the staunch Methodist upbringing, horseradish was lethal, and the smirked, not knowing what else chicken soup was richly saffron, to do. full of huge drops of oil, perhaps Passing Them On the cholesterol that ended up killing them both with early heart attacks. Daddy sweltered in the Mississippi evening, and the heat of old conflicts. The only thing never mentioned, Saying nothing, he adopted the certainly never praised, was the intolerant expression of his dad. He chicken itself It had cooked from was his adored mother's favorite; the 7 a.m. to 7 p.m. and lay dry as a
March/April 2003 page 6 Awaiting Resurrection: A Poem by Adam Penna aura convinced me to spend last Easter [ in congestive dark, clutched her chest and died. Min church, Saint Luke's Episcopal to be There she was, facing what we all must face, exact. I had attended meetings there. ' peering over the inky precipice I knew the layout: dark stone walls, wooden into a canyon of unimaginable night, buttresses chained with chandeliers, stained glass ' calling her lover's name. She couldn't wait windows which depicted the trial, the death, for the echo to respond, so in she dove. and the resurrection of Christ, but allowed [ This is faith and love. But at Saint Luke's, for little light. It was a church conceived I watched the celebrant dip the wafer when religion could still promise relief ' into the wine, and I refused to jump from this world's woes or impose on the soul to believe. This His body, this His blood. the fear of eternal fire. The promise holds ' I envied the people snaked in the line credence now only to the very old which curled from the crossing to the porch, all and the very young. I wish I were one. ' coifed alike in the uniform of suppliance, I grew up without God. My parents said ribbons and bonnets and sports coats and ties, I should choose my own faith, but what choice did shuffling to devour the Eucharist. I have? My mother's a Jew. My father The choir's psalm swelled mournfuOy, the women was raised Roman Catholic in a family wept in ecstasy, the men stared dumbly whose ancestors constructed the churches, at their patent leather shoes, but I remained which still spot the Italian country side. with the unconfirmed in the pews, confused. His mother believed my brother and I I understand the need for redemption, were damned to hell. She'd come to steal us but we're not talking about quitting on odd Saturdays for five o'clock Mass, our bad habits, forgoing meat on Fridays, where we'd slump and slide into a back pew. losing those extra pounds for the bathing I remember feeling like a Russian spy suit season. Nor are we referring Hstening to the priest rail against sin, to the spiritual awakening alcoholics and watching my grandmother's bony fingers and drug addicts (and I am one of them) crawl like a spider over her rosary. claim visited when their lives were darkest. At the end of Mass, my grandmother would We're talking about the triumph over rise from her knees, return her crocheted hat death, the trip to which no one is a tourist. to her head, and march my brother and me Christ died, was crucified, limp on the cross. up to the grim-faced priest to be blessed. The women begged to embalm him with spice He'd genuflect and spritz holy water [ and ointment, and his wounds were dressed and washed, over our heads. It didn't burn, but later his body wrapped in cotton, clean and white. alone in our room, we'd pretend it did, ' Then the corpse was sealed in the sepulcher rolling around and trembling on the ground full with darkness. When my grandmother died, the way Kung Fu masters in death throes did \ I wrote her a poem. I don't remember on the Saturday Matinee Theater. what it said, only that her name was Rose Love and suffering I get. My trouble ' and the central image took full advantage begins with the resurrection. The heart, of that fact. I rolled the poem into that fearful raccoon, readily accepts [ a scroll. At the wake, I stared at her hands, what the mind roundly rejects. I cannot bluish, cold, wrapped in her rosary. easily reconcile the two, and my soul \ I slipped the poem under her fingers. turns from a world which discovers love She is buried with it, and I suppose and gentleness and nails it to a cross. ; my stay in the children's psychiatric unit Yet it requires little faith to prove at Mather Memorial Hospital this world's mean and brutish, even if love ; later that year could've been connected can be quantified: i.e., my grandmother to the fact that I couldn't remember uttered her husband's name before she rose one word of that poem, or that I hadn't.
March/April 2003 page? ^Dovetail
at her funeral, shed a single tear. There's something of grieving which makes you hope, I realize, that all of death's cliches are true: the bright light that doesn't burn, the tunnel Dovetail's Editorial of apparitions, God's voice calling you home. Advisory Board Even Dante's sinners humped with transgression and the weight of purgatorial fire
Rabbi Dr. Arthur Blecher seem appealing compared to nothingness. Licensed Professional Counselor, And yet everything we imagine death Washington, D.C. might relieve, it cannot if our senses after still persist, if we know, consider Nancy Nutting Cohen Founding Member, Twin Cities Interfaith and calculate. The dead instinctively see Support Group, Minneapolis, Mn. what we debate, i.e., that living
Dr. Eugene Fisher is frightful. This is why the shades, turned toward Director of Catholic-Jewish Relations, the toil of their eternity, shrank National Conference of Catholic Bishops' from Dante's solidity. It was a terrible Secretariat for Ecumenical and Inter- reminder of the days and ways of flesh, religious Affairs and a member of the International Vatican-Jewish Liaison the constant hunger, the infernal memory, Committee, Washington, D.C. the sexual desire, rejection, or regret of things lost and longed for. For the dead there Rev. Betty Gamble is one currency, and the soul, that piece Associate General Secretary, United Methodist General Commission on Christian Unity & of us which is part air and part dream, pays Interreligious Concerns with the sweat of infinity. However,
Rabbi Julie Greenberg whatever we intimate of the hereafter Director, Jewish Renewal Life is merely metaphor, a sense, shadows Center in Philadelphia, Pa. cast upon a dark cave's wall. Yet if just one I knew had come back from death, doubled Joan C. Hawxhurst Founding editor of Dovetail, president of over, huffing the news of the ages Dovetail Publishing, Inc., author of Bubbe on her breath, all of this dull questioning and Gram: My Two Grandmothers would be obsolete, and I'd recollect
Rev. John Wade Payne my soul, move the boulder of the sepulcher, Co-Author of Happily Intermarried: step out into the bright sunlight and rise. Authoritative Advice for a Joyous Jewish- Christian Marriage
Rev. Bernard Pietrzak Roman Catholic counselor to interfaith couples in the Chicago area, based at St. Adam Penna, a graduate of the Southampton College master Raymond Church, Mt. Prospect, 111. of fine arts in writing program, teaches writing and English Dr. Stanley Ned Rosenbaum at the State University of New York at Stony Brook, Dowling Adjunct Professor, Univ. of Ky.; Co-Author of Celebrating Our Differences: Living Two College, and Suffolk County Community College. His work Faiths in One Marriage has been published in magazines and literary journals, Oscar A. Rosenbloom including Abbey, Bellowing Ark, and Cimarron Review. Founding Member and Cantor of the Interfaith Community of Palo Alto, Ca. In 2002 he was the curator of the Guild Hall literary series. He lives with his wife on Shelter Island, New York.
Membership on Dovetail's Editorial Advisory Board does not necessarily imply endorsement of the articles and opinions expressed herein.
March/April 2003 page 8 Dovetail Represented on Television by Debi Tenner
want to tell you all about my harder than the rest of us, but he Debi Tenner is the mother of two and family's appearance on the CBS pulled through just fine. They set up I teaches the Sunday School class for Early Show. They wanted to show a camera in the balcony and taped older children in the New Haven, an interfaith family in the New York him in the choir right over the heads area that had children at home, and of the Hartford Symphony, Hartford Connecticut interfaith group. She to have an expert in the studio for Chorale, and most of the Children's currently works in the local public commentary. Mary suggested us to Choir. school system and has been a the producer. My first reaction when They took hours of shots of us at summer camp educator for the she called was, "Oh, that is so not home, set up lights and booms and me," but eventually we agreed to do Congregational Churches of stuff all over the house, and still it it, and Dovetail's longtime friend Connecticut She is a frequent boiled down to a few short sentences. Rev. Robert Brashear did the in- columnist for Dovetail's Parents' As a mother, I noticed no one was studio end. smiling—we really could have smiled Page. The CBS This Morning I was really pleased with how they more! We celebrate plenty and broadcast aired December 16,2002. represented our family and how happily at the holidays and have a they tied in the experts and Sheila lighthearted banter going about our Gordon's Interfaith Community two religions, but we were so tired in NYC. I was disappointed that that day, I think we just forgot to Dovetail was not mentioned at the smile. The producer chose to film end of the segment, as they prom• Steve sitting in front of the Christ• ised. I reminded the producer several mas tree and myself sitting in front times that it was very important to of the menorah. I thought it looked me, but it never came about, which great. (I also thought I am getting was a bit frustrating. I cannot even old, but I put that thought away for begin to think of where my family another day.) would be right now if I hadn't found On a funny note, because my Dovetail and all the other interfaith birthday and my father-in-law's families in my area! I saw that they usually fall in between Christmas linked Dovetail to the website, but and Hanukkah, every year we "wing feel a bit betrayed by the way they it" in terms of when we actually buy promised I could mention it and and put up our Christmas tree. Of explain its full meaning to my family, course this year my father-in-law had and then they cut it out. And they a huge 65th birthday party, and the didn't put the direct link at the end producer called me right on MY of the segment. birthday eve, so by Sunday morning The day the filming took place was a we still didn't have the tree up. The wild and crazy day, and they followed producer said, "I can't ask you to put us just about everywhere, including up your tree, but it would add such the University of Connecticut, where an effect to the video." I cannot even begin to Josh was singing with the Hartford So Steve (Jewish partner!) was up Symphony (and then an hour's drive think of where my family at 6 the morning of the video shoot, back to our house). Joshua's choir would be right now if I picking out our tree through the mates and the choir directors were all fence at Home Depot even before rooting for him, and it was amazing hadn't found Dovetail and the doors opened. He came flying how much the support helped. Being all the other interfaith through the front door with the tree a self-conscious 13, he found it a bit at exactly 7:15 a.m., and we had the families in my area!
March/April 2003 page 9 Dovetail
ornaments lined up on the couch and support on the list really helped and ready to toss on the tree. We us get through the doubting stage. called it the fastest Christmas tree in Many of our neighbors and friends the East, since it was up and glowing also watched at home, and eventually by 9 a.m. It was our 20th Christmas called to say good things, so we hope season together as a married couple, that the time invested will result in and in all the fuss this year, I forgot something positive. to get a good picture of it. But we One good thing: the segment seemed won't forget this tree for a long time to open discussions with our friends, to come, not to mention the great neighbors, and co-workers who had video of it. been silent before. Even if they aren't We were a bit bummed that, in in interfaith marriages, more and addition to leaving out Dovetail's more we've found that our silent name and web site despite their neighbors and friends respect us for promise, they called Joshua's choir what we have chosen to do and are a "school choir." Technically, it's out cheering us on to keep doing the of University of Hartford and is an right thing for us. We had two auditioned choir that he has worked different neighbors actually ring the quite hard for in the past six years. doorbell and come over for a visit His choir mates were watching, and just to discuss it with us, and share they come from all over the state of about some of their family members Connecticut, not just our hometown. who are intermarried. They asked questions about our family beliefs Josh opted not to let his friends at and traditions and admired our school in on his TV debut, and it determination to deal with them in aired close enough to vacation that depth instead of superficially. This the topic didn't come up at school. was an unanticipated gift. His younger sister, however, bragged to the entire school about her Even though I was initially reluctant, adventure on TV and made up for in the end I was glad we agreed to do Josh's silence. I may let the school it. We agreed as a family that we just have a copy of the video at some wanted to let other parents and kids point, since they do video morning know that we exist, and we manage announcements, and they like to just fine. We wanted to remind them highlight different kids and their that they too can get more con• achievements. Since Josh works on sciously involved in sorting out what the morning video team I think he everyone believes and in working out could put together something he is the conflicts that come up to make comfortable with about his Bar something good come from the Mitzvah, his choir, and the CBS process. Last, we wanted to remind interview. people to always respect each other's beliefs and traditions, inside and Thanks to the people who took time outside the family. to post support online on the Dovetail listserv. The first twenty- Keep the faith! ^ four hours after the show aired, we were hounded with doubts and worries. Finding the encouragement
March/April 2003 page 10 Letters to the Editor Reactions to Review of My Big Fat Greelc Wedding
he reviewer of My Big Fat Greek denigrated and dominated Jews and family speaks to Ian were said to me, T Weddinghas difficulty with two Jewish culture as well as other ethnic virtually verbatim, in Brooklyn. And things: what a "white" guy" or culture entities. while Cathie's mother, G-d rest her is, and the story itself soul, being a widow with three But Ms. Barenblat needs to get a children, could not afford to give us First, the story itself is pure old handle on her cultural upbringing a house, she did follow the unspoken fashioned fairy tale of Cinderella.... by osmosis as to exactly what her rule of Italian mothers: thou shalt Perhaps there are wooden or definition of a "white" culture is, not live farther than 15 minutes away cardboard characters in the movie, sociologically and historically. from thy eldest married daughter. but ask yourself, "What was Prince Hope Pracht Charming like at Cinderella's Hope Pracht is a longtime I have greatly enjoyed adding my breakfast table the next morning?!" friend of Dovetail wife's cultural heritage to my own and passing both along to our Second, Ms. Barenblat has difficulty daughter, Sarah, in turn (especially with ... how a minority culture deals the cooking!). Recently, we have with the "white" culture which she gotten together with a branch of defines as "people with no culture Cathie's family, the Porazzos, who or opinions." She assumes gentile are Jewish, thanks to Cathie's great culture is "white" (or bland like lan's verybody's got a right to their aunt Sarah, who also learned to cook parents), while assuming her culture E opinion, but as an Irish-German Italian but was not at all intimidated is not white by saying that "a Greek, Catholic who married an Italian girl about being Jewish, too, and raised Italian, or Jewish girl turns into her from Brooklyn, I found the movie her kids to love Italian culture and (ethnic) parents even if she marries a hilarious, right on target, and think be proud Jews. We have quite a good 'white' guy."... If she assumes Jewish that Rachel Barenblat took it entirely time at the holidays going from culture is "not white," she is falling too personally. Cathie's relatively raucous celebra• primarily into old non-Jewish tion to my own family's dignified prejudicial stereotypes even though There are cosmic differences between and orderly one. most Jews today are Caucasian a Christian-Jewish and an internal Europeans and some are the olive Christian, "ecumenical" marriage as skinned, Arab-like Semitic types in we would call it. For one thing, from Lighten up, Rachel. There is more the Middle East. a Protestant point of view the move than one model for a successful to Orthodoxy is not the radical intercultural marriage, which is what move, by any stretch, that a Jew this movie is about, not an interfaith Ms. Barenblat may not be familiar would make becoming a Christian. marriage. with the derogatory Jewish bias that It's more like changing from Reform born Jews use about other born Jews, to Conservative or modern Ortho• Gene Fisher calling that person "a white Jew," dox Judaism, so the premise on See the Dovetail Editorial Advisory which means a Jewish person overly which Barenblat bases her critique is Board list on page 8 for more about accommodating to gentile culture. simply not a valid one. Eugene Fisher. The bias here assumes that the dominating gentile culture is It's quite true that when I married "white" (i.e. Caucasian, Anglo Cathie 32 years ago I did not just Saxon, or European or whatever) marry her but her whole, extended that religiously, socially, or culturally family. Many of the lines the Greek
March/April 2003 page 11 ^Dovetail
Dates of the Spring Holidays in 2003
Shrove Tuesday/ Mardi Gras—March 2,2003. The last day before Lent, which signifies Jesus's difficult 40 days in the desert.
Ash Wednesday—March 5,2003. On the first day of Lent, Christians are encouraged to give up some comfort of life. Observance may include the placing of ashes on the forehead.
Purim—sundown March 17,2003. Marks the triumph of the Jewish people, including Queen Esther, over persecution. Children dress in costumes representing the Bible story and bring sweets like hamantaschen to their neighbors.
Palm Sunday—April 13, 2003. Marks the day Jesus rode into Jerusalem on a donkey as throngs of supporters waved palms.
Passover—sundown April 16 through sundown April 24,2003. Passover marks the exodus of the Jewish people, led by Moses, out of Egypt. The first and second nights of Passover are celebrated in the home with the Passover seder. By serving specific foods that represent the experiences of the Exodus, following a script of the Torah scripture, and asking and answer• ing the Four Questions, families recall the Passover's message of freedom. Acting out parts of the story and searching for the hidden afikomen make this an inclusive holiday for children.
Holy Thursday—April 17,2003. Marks the Last Supper of Jesus and the disciples. It is now widely believed to have been a Passover seder. The celebrations of Holy Thursday are usually a church service/mass. In 2003, Holy Thursday coincides with the second Passover seder, a common Jewish tradition in the diaspora.
Good Friday—April 18,2003. Marks the day of Jesus's death on the cross.
Easter—April 20,2003. For Christians, commemorates Jesus' resurrection from the dead to confirm the promise of everlast• ing life, and to grant the forgiveness of sins through the sacrifice of his bodily death. Easter is celebrated in a church service. In the household, chocolates and sweets are given, Easter eggs are hidden, and a family feast is enjoyed. Note that Easter this year overlaps with Passover, which means that families observing the Jewish rule against eating leavened products will have to come up with some alternatives to kuchen and other baked goods not kosher-for-Passover.
Orthodox Christian dates in 2003: Lent begins March 12; Holy Week begins April 20; Easter is April 27.
A Haggadah for Interfaith Families
The Inter-Faith Family Seder Book: How to Celebrate a Jewish Passover Supper with Christian In-Laws and Non-Jewish Friends by Nan Meyer (1998):
The title says it all. This is a delightful, easy-to-use haggadah that, while making the prayers, songs, and ritual accessible and comprehensible to the non-Jew, does not fall into the trap of "Christianizing" the seder. It has such practical pointers as suggesting white rather than purple grape juice for the children because purple stains, "and there may not be much time to get their holiday finery cleaned for Easter Sunday." Then there are sensitive interpretations, such as that for the ten plagues visited on the Egyptians: "When people do evil, they defy God's will and bring suffering upon themselves.... [but] we cannot rejoice over their pain." Finally, traditional songs like "Chad Gadya" are paired with a universalist English paraphrase of "Eliyahu ha-Navi" set to the tune of "I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing" (only the blessings are in Hebrew in this user-friendly ritual). We've taken advantage of the $10 special price for orders of 10 or more for our family seder. Review reprinted by permission from Dovetail 7:5.
Heritage $12.50 ea. for 1-8 copies; Or order by credit card (Direct Order for Multiple Copy $10 ea. for 10 or more copies. at amazon.com or Discount) POB 212, E. Amherst, NY 14051-0212. www.dovetailinstitute.org. Shipping & handling $2 or 10% to 7 copies, 5% for 10 or more. Fax 716-636-0645 Email [email protected]
March/April 2003 page 12 Doing for Dovetail
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