2 Varsity News 23.06.06 Parker’s Football The Backs’ Backside Zebra distress at Blanchett film set Thousands of fans returned to Parker’s Piece, the birth- that there was only one were quite a few of us who place of football, to watch Emily Stokes witness statement for the couldn’t believe what we England’s match against punching incident. But were seeing, so someone Sweden on Thursday THE RSPCA are carrying out shortly after the RSPCA were called the RSPCA then the evening. Despite the cold an animal welfare investiga- called in on the weekend of police . . . I was told it was a weather, around 8,000 tion following claims that a June 3, a 34 year old woman female and quite old, and it attended the event, which zebra was abused during the from Cambridge, who is was punched in the head was described by police as filming of The Golden Age, the believed to have been an quite hard a number of being “remarkably trouble follow-up to Elizabeth (1998). extra on the film, told the times. It was just unneces- free”. Other screens around Scenes for the film were shot Cambridge Evening News that sary.” the country had to be in St John’s College last several people had witnessed A police officer and a vet turned off during the game month, but the allegations the maltreatment of the went to visit the zebra and to enable police to break up focus on more recent filming zebra. She said that the its owner yesterday morning fighting, but only three at Ely Cathedral. The zebra zebra “had to walk past a line in Oxfordshire. If they arrests were made in was brought in for a section of people and we all had to suspect the living conditions Cambridge. The most seri- in which Sir Walter Raleigh, clap, and the scene was shot of the zebra and the other ous injury that the St. John played by Clive Owen, is over and over again about 20 animals under the owner’s Ambulance crew had to shown bringing back exotic times. The zebra was very care to be inadequate, the deal with was a man hit by animals from his travels for distressed, it was breathing investigation will continue. a flying beer can. the Queen, played by Cate heavily and its feet were clat- The RSPCA were satisfied Blanchett. tering all over the place.” that the other exotic A spokesperson from the The witness then claimed animals used in the film, Cyclist attacked RSPCA told Varsity that there that she saw the zebra including a marmoset, a had been two complaints punched in the head several cobra and several parrots, A cyclist was beaten and during the filming of The times. “It was horrible. There were treated well. thrown into the river in a Golden Age concerning the violent attack on treatment of the zebra. The Midsummer Common in first complaint, concerning Cambridge on Thursday the living conditions of the night. Witnesses observed zebra, was investigated and the man crawl out of the later dismissed after an river only to be punched RSPCA inspector found that again. The assailants, who “everything was fine. There had kicked the cyclist’s bike was plenty of bedding and into the river, fled into the water and the zebra was very fair before the police happy and comfortable.” arrived. The victim was Soon afterwards, however, treated for cuts and bruises. the RSPCA received a phone The attack has raised wider call in which a member of concerns about the pres- the public reported that the ence of the fair on zebra had been punched in Midsummer Common. the head during filming. By the time the RSPCA returned Revellers celebrating the beginning of May Week on the Backs last to the scene of the filming, Estate Shooting Saturday evening were treated to more than just a view of King’s Chapel however, the owner and and the Wren Library. Charlie Cavey, the ARU student more common- trainers had moved the ly known for busking in his bin on Bridge Street, was photographed by animals back to Oxfordshire. A man has been charged picnicker Mivy James, from Surrey on King’s Backs at about 7pm. Cavey, with attempted murder The RSPCA spokeswoman after a shooting on a who has been punting in the nude since 1998, would only be liable for told Varsity yesterday that she Cambridge housing estate. police investigation if a complaint were lodged against him. On this occa- suspected both complaints A 49 year-old man was shot sion though, the sight did not seem to have offended anyone. had come from the same in the chest with a hand- person. She also told Varsity Cate Blanchett, who stars as Elizabeth in The Golden Age gun in Thorpe Way, Abbey, after residents reported hearing eight gun shots at Applicants deterred by tuition fees rise Drug dealer jailed Pressured students turn to plagiarism around 6.20pm last Sunday. Eyewitnesses Target 10,000, a new campaign to improve disadvantaged A 34 year-old heroin addict, The Plagiarism Advisory Service has warned students who plagia- described a fight breaking students’ access to higher education, revealed yesterday that the Runu Miah, has been jailed for rise their work from the internet that new software will be much out between two men and rise in fees – to £3,000 a year – has taken its toll. A survey of over three years after being more successful at identifying copied material. This follows a recent the suspect, Ken Kew. more than 7,000 sixth-formers showed that ninety-five percent found in possession of 9.3 survey showing that nine percent of students have plagiarised other Covered in blood, Kew of them were ignorant about the financial support arrangements grams of heroin and more than people’s work on one occasion, and sixteen percent have copied tryed to escape before being available to them. Twenty-seven percent of the students surveyed, £500 in cash on Cherry Hinton work straight from the internet more than once. The problem is tackled by a passer-by and all of whom are predicted to get the equivalent of BBB or higher Road. Miah denied being primarily blamed on students not having enough time to complete held until police arrived. grades at A-level, said tuition fees made it less likely they would involved in a commercial drug work. The survey also found that male students are more likely to Resident Rosemary Piper, go to university. set-up. plagiarise than females. who was one of the first on the scene, said, “it was mayhem. A man was lying on the ground bleeding badly and my neighbour >>page 14 was using a cloth to stem The voice of the Cambridge Drinking Society the flow. The man was Jude obviously going into Ian Ellard, Secretary of the Queens’ Cherubs, speaks out for exclusivity shock.” Kew has been Townend charged with seven Slash your gown! Trample on avoiding the issue; no delay- people enjoy, not so that we rassed by noise and vomit! offences, including poses- the lawn! Mispronounce Latin ing the nub; no empty can ally ourselves with other They were instead delighted On sion of a fire-arm and Grace! Knock every single one rhetoric. When I, on Suicide appreciators, but so that we that such a bizarre, wonderful, attempted murder. The of those bizarre little knobbles Sunday 2005, drank the can distance ourselves with a time-honoured tradition as a ‘Crazy’ victim is recovering in off of King’s! For to be rid of Cherubs’ pint, knotted my tie sneer from the ignorant! Cambridge drinking society Papworth Hospital, and his drinking societies would be to and was thereby initiated into Exclusivity is only danger- had brought people together, Cambridge condition is said to be do exactly these things! Ye Cherubs, the Queens’ ous when it becomes people who might otherwise stable. Drinking societies are an Gentlemen’s Drinking Society, intimidating, but the majority never have met, to entertain absolutely vital and integral it was a beautiful day. I refer of drinking societies, out to them, and to entertain part of Cambridge University. not, of course, to the weather, dinner with another society, themselves. They represent a vital organ of but rather to that intangible, are not there to intimidate, That is the joy of the Listen the writhing, beautiful ethereal sense of quiet pride of but to enjoy themselves, to Drinking Society – food, fine student body. But why? Why a human being allowed to join meet people, make friends wine, and finer friends. have drinking societies a group. But the modern and conversation. When Ye Contrary to popular belief, You can hear become such an important, world is, with one hand, terri- Cherubs flew out to Barcelona drinking societies are more Varsity on the nay essential, aspect of fied of exclusivity, and with during Lent Term this year, than just booze and birds. In radio, on Cambridge life? What makes the other we stroke and the twelve American girls the words of chef Charlie them not an appendix, but a welcome it! ‘Elitism’ is a dirty with whom we sat down to Trotter, “all four elements Mondays at lung, or some skin? word, while at home we trawl dinner, in the shadow of the happen in equal measure - the 7pm It is best here, I think, to the Facebook, literally lip-lick- Sagrada Familia, were not cuisine, the wine, the service, offer no more than personal ing at an ‘appreciation society’ intimidated by identically- and the overall ambience. It CUR 1350 experience. No sweeping, for a band of whom no-one coloured ties, disgusted by taught me that dining could vapid generalisations; no has heard, and whom fewer loutish behaviour, or embar- happen at a spiritual level.” our policy The VARSITY IS DEDICATED TO BRINGING YOU THE MOST RELEVANT AND INTRIGUING NEWS AS AND WHEN IT HAPPENS. Week in THE OPINIONS EXPRESSED IN OUR CONTENT ARE THOSE OF THE INDIVIDUAL CONTRIBU- Weather TORS, AND NOT NECESSARILY OF VARSITY FRI SAT SUN MON TUE WED THUR PUBLICATIONS LIMITED. 23.06.06 News Varsity 3 Drunken ‘examiner’ seen with Tripos scripts • Students meet man apparently falsely posing as external examiner E JONES BEN highest first in Cambridge rather than a small sample Gabriel Byng ten years ago.” of borderline papers. “He then asked us if we Rainsbury commented A DRUNK man falsely claim- wanted to look at some that as “in the unlikely ing to be an external papers,” she continued. “We event of an errant examiner examiner for Physiology immediately said no, and I there are sufficient mecha- showed two New Hall reminded him that he was nisms to ensure appropriate students in a Cambridge bar acting irresponsibly and and consistent standards” it genuine exam scripts he had could get into serious trou- is unlikely that any papers just been marking on ble for doing what he was will need to be remarked. Wednesday June 15. doing. He ignored me and There were problems with They were able to note thrust two exam scripts exams elsewhere in the down the paper titles and under our noses.” University. Lottie some candidate numbers The external examiner, Oppenheim, a second year from the papers while the Richard Naftalin, was in English student, was not man told them how he was London on the day of the given important information “fiddling” grades on incident, and assured Varsity about her exam because she “abysmal” answers to give “it certainly wasn't me”. The was sitting it separately from everyone a 2.i. Physiology Department the rest of the year group. In But the Secretary of the refused to comment. a question about Chaucer Board of Examiners, Diane Cambridge University requiring a comparison Rainsbury, told Varsity it is exam papers are all blind between two different works unlikely that the incident double marked by two she assumed that she was will be investigated by the examiners including at least not able to use two Canter- university’s Registrary one “internal” academic bury Tales while students in Timothy Mead as the details working at Cambridge. Any the main exam hall were are “too vague”. Michael discrepancies in the marks told they could. Dixon, the Examinations given are then reconciled to She told Varsity “this was Officer, also commented that prevent inaccuracy and the really upsetting and has put the accusations “sound Chair of Examiners selects a me at a big disadvantage in bizarre” and “unlikely”. sample of borderline or comparison to the other The man was in Ta Bouche disputed essays and all fail- candidates.” In response to in the early afternoon when ures to send to “external” an official complaint, the he started talking to the two examiners, at universities exam board informed her students, despite never outside Cambridge. that the failure to notify her having met them before. Although only 29 students might be taken into account One of the students remem- sat Part II Physiology the when marking her paper, bered how “he repeatedly New Hall students estimated otherwise she will be issued told us that he achieved the that he had “over 45” scripts with a formal apology. Ta Bouche, the town centre bar where the encounter with the ‘examiner’ took place Drinking society disgraced Dismissal at Sidney Sussex E JONES BEN Eleanor Good

SPECULATION IS RIFE at Sidney Sussex College after a member of staff was dismissed in unusual circum- stances. Cambridgeshire Police have launched an investigation after the College authorities passed information to them about the dismissal. In an email sent to students at the end of May the Master, Professor Sandra Dawson, said a “deeply regret- table situation” had emerged within the last three weeks, leading to the dismissal of a member of College staff and confirming that information had Some members of the Robinson Rentals in the River Cam’s Mill Pond on the day of the incident been given to the police. On Wednesday, a police spokesperson According to the report, the thought that the incident with the told Varsity that they are “investigating Rachel Cooper children’s parents remonstrated canoe was an accident. an allegation of theft”, but that with the students but were met The Girl Fridays were quick to “inquiries are in their very early stages POLICE ARE looking into an alle- with abuse. The parents have disassociate themselves from the and as such we are unable to comment gation that members of the since made a complaint to the incident and an email from the further on the investigation.” No arrests Robinson College men’s drinking police. Guild warned students that group’s president warned have been made. society, the Rentals, upturned a the regional press have photo- members against talking to Varsity. Professor Dawson said that the “exis- canoe carrying three children in the graphs of the incident and that Another member of the society tence of this internal investigation limits Mill Pond on Suicide Sunday. soon “the identities of the individ- sent an email to the group saying our ability to divulge details of the A police spokesperson stressed uals involved will be clear that she “didn’t have a clue it had matter” and she regretted that specula- that no formal investigation is in enough”. Guild stressed that she happened and thought most of the tion within the College might have place but that WPC Carol Langton, would rather hear from those girls were the same”, adding that caused “alarm and feelings of exclusion the University Liaison Officer, is involved or who know anything Guild was not “too chuffed with amongst some students”. conducting inquiries into the inci- about this before she has the the girls at the moment”. She went on to describe the situation dent. photographs and urged students Email exchanges between the as “difficult”, adding that the “college In an email to students on not to be “squeamish” about Rentals indicated a level of intends to be as open as it can be about Wednesday, Senior Tutor Liz Guild coming to see her. bemusement at the incident, one the causes and consequences of this said she had received a report that The Rentals were identified by asked “did we do anything like unfortunate episode but cannot do so “a group of forty or so students, male their yellow ties - the society’s that?” The same member added before due legal process has taken its and female were partying on the emblem. Guild added, “I do not “If we did, it’s probably better to course”. banks of the Mill Pond. Some of presume that the Rentals are get Liz Guild onside, we don't Colin Britton, Domestic Bursar at them stripped off and jumped in.” At responsible, but I must act on the want to get banned from formal Sidney Sussex said “it is always very sad the same time, there were three information that I have been and the Party room. when you have any cases like this” but children in a canoe on the water. given.” A member of the Perhaps some sort of apologetic added, “we’re now co-operating fully Guild continued, “despite one of the Robinson women’s drinking soci- gift would be in order (swimming with the police”. children screaming that they could- ety, Girl Fridays, confirmed that lessons perhaps).” The Rentals’ He stressed that the student body could n’t swim, these students upset the they and the Rentals, had been President was unavailable for not be informed of any further details canoe, the children fell in.” present at the Mill Pond but she comment. while the investigation is ongoing. Sidney Sussex, Porters’ Lodge 4 Varsity News 23.06.06

On Campus Brain food for brainy students at Queens’ clubs emerging from the freez- DCBC ex-Captain ing waters were enraged to find in Disgrace their clothes vanished or redis- Jamie Munk Former Downing College tributed around the grounds of Captain of Boats, Matt Smith, the college. Eyewitnesses QUEENS’ COLLEGE has became the first captain to have provided accounts too graphic sought to tackle the inevitable bumped his own college on to print of lycra strap-marked stress of exam term with the Saturday, having absconded bodies seen careering down help of their own Michelin Star from his duties at Downing to Regent Street in search of shel- Chef. Hans Schweitzer, who row for the high-flying ter and modesty. The families started as the college’s Addenbrookes’ 1st VIII. The of the survivors have called for Executive Chef in 2004, has hospital boat caught the a full public enquiry. hoped to improve students’ Downing 4th VIII on the concentration by overhauling Saturday of bumps, ensuring Less than Saintly the Buttery menu. that the ex-captain was present New dishes have been intro- to see his former charges John’s Security duced to tempt students away awarded their spoons. Sources The St John’s May Ball secu- from unhealthy junk food. In close to Smith described him as rity guards were reported to place of pizzas and chips, Hans “utterly distraught”. have been particularly over- has served up Steamed Scottish zealous in their attempts to Salmon and a range of salads. Queens’ Executive Chef Hans Schweitzer, who masterminded the exam term diet Dinosaurs of the stop gate crashers this year. Where burgers were once the Astonished onlookers hall staple, Tabouleh with to study and perform well in breakfast, and replacing meat have continued to be served Revolution described how one guard Morrocan Vegetables and exams”. with fish twice a week. regularly, Hans’ innovations A metre and a half long “threw himself on a girl Grilled Lemon Pepper Chicken “I love fresh beautiful, The reception of Hans’s diet at have been appreciated. “The Tyrannosaurus Rex skull is emerging from the river like have been on offer as part of healthy food”, Schweitzer Queens’ has been mixed. While salads and the vegetarian now on display at the Sedgwick he was trying to stop an the new Exam Diet. told Varsity enthusiastically. Wendy, a PhD Orientalist, options have been really good”, Museum. “Of all the dinosaurs, assasination,” knocking her Schweitzer, who opened Healthier food, Schweitzer noticed “there have been nicer enthused third year philosopher T. rex most captures people’s to the ground and leaving Midsummer House Restaurant argues, boosts the immune things on offer”, others such as Andrew Grenfell. “I haven’t imaginations,” said Dr David her with substantial bruis- in 1988, is confident about the system and provides an second year engineer Nick eaten much outside meals and Norman, Director of the ing. Other reports remain difference made by the new ample supply of energy, ulti- Toves were surprised when it’s served me pretty well”. Museum, “I look forward to unconfimed. dietary regime. He argues, mately ensuring that his questioned about the diet. “Has Schweitzer hopes that the many people coming to enjoy “poor diet choices can lead to students feel good and work he changed the menu?” he Queens’ Tripos results will yield the beauty of our new beast.” Art about town increased stress levels, reduced more effectively. His “top asked Varsity. “I haven’t noticed positive feedback from his diet. The animal has been nick- concentration, tiredness and tips” for exam term eating any change.” “We’ll see how the exam named STAN after Stan Resident artist at Christ’s lowering the absorption of include replacing salt with Although some students results work out”, he told Varsi- Sacrison, the amateur palaeon- College, Vanessa essential vitamins and miner- soy sauce, swapping a ‘Full sceptically noted that chicken ty. “It would be great if we did tologist who originally Hodgkinson, has opened a als which can affect the ability English’ for a ‘Half English’ nuggets and other greasy dishes see a change though.” discovered the skeleton. threefold exhibtion, This being human, to provide an Emma left exposed inspiration for spiritual reflection for all. As well as English results delayed by lecturers’ strikes The traditional ritual of a display at the Fitzwilliam skinny-dipping in the Museum, she welcomes university without knowing three-year deal with the es for academics, and accuses Emmanuel College Fellows’ visitors into her studio in Amelia Worsley their result. It remains to be seen employers' group UCEA on pay employers of going back on their Swimming Pool after dinner on the Visual Arts Centre at whether union members will for academics. pledge. the final day of bumps was Christ’s College, and has ENGLISH FINALISTS will not accept the latest University and The UCU’s joint presidents, AUT deputy general secretary compromised this year by a put on an exhibit in the find out their degree classifica- Colleges Employers’ Dennis Hayes and Dr Steve Malcolm Keight said: mysterious clothing thief. window of 9 Portugal Place tion until July 28, but will Association’s pay deal in the Wharton, said: “It is our “Members' acceptance of this Bathers from assorted boat for all to view. graduate on time and with their upcoming ballot. members' magnificent solidarity year's deal should not be taken class marks, dispelling earlier The assessment boycott was during this dispute that has got to imply that the current pay fears that they would leave suspended on June 7, following us to this point, and universities levels are regarded as satisfacto- an offer made by the UCEA to must return monies docked ry. The effect of years of neglect Cross Campus DERRINGER MICHAEL increase pay by 13.1 percent from those members' salaries have not been resolved.” over three years, which who took part in the action.” The union's joint general members are about to vote on. But there is still unease secretaries, Sally Hunt and Paul Charitable punts of Applied Mathematics Dr A previous offer of 6 percent per amongst lecturers that the deal Mackney said: “No settlement help out in Oxford Frank Berkshire described it year had been rejected. The does not offer enough. Ron ever provides everything that as “an error they had not examining process has resumed, Haynes, Honorary Secretary of you want for members, but we Three students from Jesus thought possible”. but because it was at least four the Cambridge branch of AUT believe that this is the best that College, Oxford, embarked weeks behind schedule, the said that “no one has jumped for can be achieved within the upon a twenty-four hour Facebook being results date was pushed back. joy” amongst Cambridge current national negotiating punting trip to raise money The English Faculty is the members and they are treating environment. Members will see for the Multiple Scelerosis cyber-mean? only department significantly the deal with “caution”. He significant increases in their Resource Centre. The A student at Oxford has affected by the industrial action, added that if there is a national salaries over the next two years, students were not allowed to been threatened with legal with eighteen lecturers support- rejection of the deal, serious but we are acutely aware that moor, with one person punt- action after registering the ing the boycott. After action could be taken. this will still not make up the ing at all times, whilst domain name www.face- negotiations at the TUC in The AUT says that vice chan- ground lost over the past wearing police helmets and bookquizzes.com. Facebook London in early June, the cellors promised that at least a decades.” singing ‘Every Breath I Take’. accused the computer University and College Union third of the £3.5bn coming into Dr Lyne added, “The result of sciences student of ‘cyber (UCU), which was formed when the sector over the next three the ballot won't be known for a squatting’ and stated that the AUT and NATFHE unions years from top-up fees revenue few weeks. I haven't even had NUS not surprised the domain name could Cambridge’s English Faculty recently merged, agreed a new would be spent on pay increas- my ballot paper yet.” to discover students confuse visitors to the site. get into debt The precise rights of legal rights of cyber-squatters A survey by Lloyds TSB, were still unlcear at the time Hildabeast habitat soon to be invaded by men found that 22 percent of of going to press. students planning to attend happy to have this result.” change. The regulations stating university this year intend to Aberdeen students Joe Gosden Finalist Emily Wilkes said “I’m so that all staff must be female had live at home in an attempt to glad. It’s so old-fashioned at the resulted in a number of posts keep their debts down. The climb closer to God ON WEDNESDAY June 7 the moment and bad preparation for being funded without any NUS has expressed its “serious Two members of Aberdeen Governing Body of St Hilda’s the real world where you have contribution from the University, concern” over this with NUS University decided to College, Oxford voted to end the to interact with men. Being a placing a heavy financial burden President Kat Fletcher said: “It demonstrate their climbing college’s female-only status. The Hildabest is also a terrible chat- on the college. It was predicted is extremely worrying that prowess by scaling a church move leaves Cambridge as the up line.” that the college would have to be such a high proportion of tower in the city centre and only university in the country to But some girls were less spending £400,000 more than students are choosing to live leaving a traffic cone on top. offer female-only colleges. impressed with the announce- otherwise necessary on salaries at home as a result of fears Enraged local residents The decision was announced ment. MCR President Claire every year if the fellowship about debt. Sadly, however, as began a door to door by the college’s Principal, Lady Lynch was damning in her criti- remained solely female. debt levels soar, this comes as campaign to track down the English. She said: “This will be an cism of the decision, highlighting Lynch condemned the little surprise.” culprits, prompting the two exciting time for all of us; men the fact that the MCR had voted University and the Principal for into mounting an attempt to will have the chance to be admit- against male membership of the having “pushed the governing Imperial exams re-climb the tower two days ted to every part of the college, JCR and SCR in April by 81 body into a corner”, explaining Dozens of Maths and later and add a banner read- from JCR to Principal’s Office.” percent and 66 percent respec- “three colleges in Cambridge Computer Science finalists at ing “calm down dear, its Reactions from the student tively. She added “Lady English have managed to survive despite Imperial College, London, only a cone”. Whilst doing body have been mixed; there is leaving us next year and hopes laws on sex discrimination that were forced to sit a resched- so, they were spotted by a had been sustained campaigns to secure her legacy by putting prohibit funding single sex insti- uled exam at the weekend passing police car, and after by members of the JCR both for this through. Her successor as tutions”. after opening their papers to being surrounded, they and against allowing male principal will have to deal with Cambridge declined to find that both pages of the were eventually removed fellows and students. JCR the implementation of this. She comment on the implications of script were identical, with the after a stand-off lasting President Aibhe Menton told has hit and run on all of us.” decision of St Hilda’s for same set of questions. Director several hours. Varsity “The JCR was strongly in Finance had been one of the Newnham, New Hall and Lucy favour of the move. We are very main driving forces behind the Cavendish. St Hilda’s College, Oxford 23.06.06 News Varsity 5 Rub-a-dub dub, Ten Men in the Cam

annual “Queen’s Ergs” novice rowing NUSH Joe Gosden competition, and so understood how seriously the bumps were taken. The CHAKRA THE FIRST division of the May Bumps Ten Men had apparently gone down was delayed on Saturday evening by to the river the next day to apologise V the gentlemen of the Ten Men, a St to the owner of the piece of land on AR John’s College drinking society, First Post Corner where they had TY conducting their annual swim across finished their swim, but found that he the river Cam. wouldn’t dream of accepting the apol- The Ten Men, largely clad in bright ogy having found the entire display red speedos and swimming hats, posed particularly amusing. for a photograph before diving into the The Dean of St John’s College, Dr murky waters. They then produced Peter Linehan, confirmed that the their own, inflatable rowing boat for a “incident was due to an error of judge- brief paddle before eventually being ment on the part of the exhibitionists” removed from the river by stewards. and that to the best of his knowledge The start of the race had to be delayed hadn’t been conducted with any mali- whilst the swimmers were removed cious intent. CUCBC declined to from the water. Police were called to comment on the incident, Honorary help remove the Ten Men, but no Secretary Jude Lowson explaining that arrests were made and the officers of she had “been far too busy celebrating the law appeared to be more amused taking the headship” with the than concerned by the display of sport- Pembroke 1st Ladies VIII to have had ing prowess before them. any involvement in removing the Ten The Ten Men told Varsity that they Men from the river. wished to “apologise profusely” for the Despite the disruption, some of the disruption that they had caused and ever-stressed CUCBC marshals wanted to highlight the fact that delay- managed to maintain a sense of ing the bumps had not been the object humour, cycling up and down the of their swim. One of the Ten Men, bank to instruct waiting crews to who did not want to be named, “quicken up their catches a bit and explained that “it’s just a swim that head straight for them” if they saw the normally happens after the boats have Ten Men entering the river ahead of gone past, we’ve done it for 40 years”. them during the race. The first division He said that they had “just got the had been delayed the night before as timing of the swim wrong” so that well after the St Catherine’s VIII broke they had entered the river in front of a stretcher in the boat and fifteen the boats rather than after they had minutes extra time was given to allow gone past. Another member added for repairs to be carried out; time that that they had spent most of the time was also used by the Jesus crew to since the incident writing letters of plug a hole that they had found in the apology, including ones to CUCBC and bottom of their boat. the Master of St John’s College. He The bumps had also been disrupted said that several of the Ten Men were earlier in the week when the captain themselves oarsmen, including one of the pleasure cruiser the Georgina who had trained with the national had ploughed on down the Long squad and a former winner of the Reach into an incoming division. The St John’s Ten Men larking around in the Cam last Saturday during the last day of the May Bumps

Caius drilling drowns out protest Student speared in river E JONES BEN living close to the drilling wooden post, submerged injuries as “severe and unusu- complained on numerous Rachel Cooper under the water. al”, she should not have any occasions to the domestic Riach was rushed to lasting damage. bursar and tutors but until A LATE-NIGHT swim in the Addenbrooke’s after the post The Anglo-Saxon, Norse the second week of this term Cam last month left Clare went through her stomach. and Celtic student missed her had succeeded only in limit- College graduand, Amy Riach, She underwent emergency finals due to the accident. But ing drilling times. in intensive care. Entering the surgery throughout the night she will be able to graduate as Ian Heames, a Harvey water, she was impaled on and had a further operation normal; her mark will be Court resident commented, what she believes to be an old the following night. She was based on coursework. She is “the way in which the rent pump. then taken to the intensive now recovering well and look- situation has been handled, The accident took place on care unit and spent a further ing forward to going travelling and finally decided, is May 19 after a Music Society two weeks in hospital. later in the year. appalling.” His neighbour, dinner in the College. She and Surgeons treated the Riach, who has been swim- Mark Jobson, told Varsity her friends decided to go injuries to Riach’s internal ming in the Cam many times, “I’ve got a crane swinging down to the river and jumped organs, but she will have to warned students against the above my head, JCBs digging off the bank on the Clare undergo another operation danger of jumping into the below my room, and when backs. When Riach jumped in, over the summer. She told river. She believes that the the drilling started below, it she was speared by what was Varsity that although the object has now been removed felt like being surrounded on an either an old pump or a surgeons had described her from the water. all sides by a building site.” Difficulties in finishing on time have led the college to cancel some of the confer- ences booked for the summer vacation in the new freshers’ block, originally due for completion next month. Ian Herd, the domes- Gonville and Caius’ Harvey Court accommodation West Road tic bursar, asked students to understand “the need for the supply was temporarily cut college to complete this Gabriel Byng off when builders drilled work in time for its commit- through a water pipe ments during the vacation”. DRILLING RESTARTED this preventing toilets from The building is being used week in Gonville and Caius’ flushing for several hours for next year’s freshers first years accommodation during the day. alongside the 45 year-old block after a five-week Last week college authori- Harvey Court, so many respite, causing anger ties agreed a rebate giving a current first years will amongst students. Building 75 percent reduction to the remain in their present works beneath Harvey Court worst affected students on accommodation rather than began in February as the days of the drilling and the new development. One builders bored a tunnel 50 percent to others affected student who has been partic- through to Caius’ latest by it. Tor Garnett, the GCSU ularly badly affected by the construction next door on president, reported that the drilling, Stephen Kosmin, West Road, but ended after members of College Council said “we’ve had our work the Student Union took the looked “shocked and furi- disrupted all year but we The Cambridge students of ‘Team Flaps’ celebrating on their triumphant return from the Red Bull Paper issue to College Council. On ous” when the situation was don’t get to enjoy the bene- Wings International Tournament in Salzburg Austria.They finished in tenth place in the paper aeroplanes Wednesday, the water presented to them. Students fits.” competition out of a field of 9,500 entries. 6 Varsity News 23.06.06 Varsity 2005/6: news revisited Alethea Foster not guilty of attempted murder Brief Encounter with a Pretty Woman

ALETHEA FOSTER of Alethea Foster told officers was impressed by Ben’s grand Bromley, a 61 year-old that she had never meant to gesture, saying, “it takes a lot mother of two, was charged harm her husband’s mistress of courage and a certain with the attempted murder and that she could not poetic sensibility”. She added, of a Lucy Cavendish mature remember what had “I love the story itself – my History student, Julie happened. reservation is that it involves Simpson, 44, on October 3 In May, she was jailed for me”. last year at Lucy Cavendish causing grievous bodily Yesterday, Varsity asked Ben college. Foster, an award- harm, but cleared of whether their love story had winning podiatrist, stabbed attempted murder and of met with a happy ending. He Simpson, her husband’s ex- causing grievous bodily replied, “Nothing to report, lover, seventeen times when harm with intent. The judge unfortunately. Steph went on she learnt of their fifteen- sentenced Foster to 30 a long holiday after our meet- year affair but denied months and said she would IN MARCH, a love-struck silly like “fancy going to the ing (there would be a story in attempted murder. At serve half the sentence PhD Pharmacology student cinema together on our that for you if it wasn't all Parkside police station, before being released. from Wolfson college, Ben own’s, again?” If you would, pre-booked, of course), and Carrington, found a novel you can reach me at we've not managed to way of expressing his yes_it_was_me_at_the_cinem arrange anything else. Being a Papworth Hospital relocation amorous feelings for an [email protected] caring and sensitive soul I unknown Emma heartthrob. and even if you don’t email, I don't think she wanted to get IN NOVEMBER, Varsity report- transport. The heart is hooked After spotting the belle sitting wanted you to know… you involved in anything before ed that Papworth Hospital was up to a machine which keeps it a few seats from him at a made me smile.” she had to go back to the US. to relocate to a site near beating with warm oxygenated showing of Good Night, and Varsity tracked down the I guess my mass-mailing Addenbrooke’s. Replacing the blood flowing through it. The Good Luck at the Arts girl in question, an American gesture gave off the wrong old hospital will be a new 70- heart can be kept outside of the Picturehouse, he attempted to Beauty, Stephanie Safdi, who signals and has probably been acre facility next to the body longer, giving doctors seek her out by blanket soon appeared on the RAG interpreted as a bit overblown Cambridge Biomedical more time to examine the pigeon-holing students at ‘Web of Love’ in Emma bar. for someone who genuinely Campus. It has recently been heart for damage and to match Emmanuel college, which he One week on from their first was happy to settle for just a reported that doctors at the the organ with a recipient. saw her entering after the meeting, Varsity arranged for drink and a chat.” Despite this same hospital have performed Professor Bruce Rosengard, film. In the 752 flyers deliv- the couple to reunite in the tragic parting, Ben proved the UK's first successful beating who led the team carrying out ered, the Wolfson student same setting that originally that romance lives on, telling heart transplant on a 58 year- the transplant, said that “the wrote, “What I might have sparked the affair: the Arts Varsity that he doesn’t regret old recipient. The new next step will look at hearts said that night was something Picturehouse cinema. Steph his courtly whim. technique involves keeping a that are not good enough for donated heart warm and beat- transport currently – we hope ing throughout the procedure, we can render more hearts Emmanuel Dean supports civil partnerships rather than packing it in ice for usable”. having services for members of faith he claims to profess. The the College community who Bible teaches clearly that Fitzwilliam vase smasher off the hook requested them”. sexual relations outside of a His announcement gener- heterosexual marriage are ated a mixture of reactions against God's perfect plan for within the student communi- human relationships.” ty. Many people welcomed Stephen Burgess, a Christian the Dean’s decision as “a student at Emma, commended testament to the fact that Caddick’s willingness to reach Emma is a truly welcoming out to the gay community, but and inclusive community” argued that “the Church and the director of the should not bless what God Christian network Fusion, opposes”. He said, “to do Gabriel Smy, issued a state- otherwise would be betraying IN FEBRUARY, Varsity report- ment emphasizing tolerance Jesus, who went out and asso- ed the Dean of Emmanuel and acceptance. “Rather than ciated with prostitutes, but still College's decision to consider judging the actions of others, said to them ‘Go now and offering his blessing to same we hope that people experi- leave your life of sin’”. sex couples' civil partnerships. ence God’s love for them.” Reverend Caddick recently In defiance of the Church of However, others on the told Varsity that he has not yet England's ban on clergy offer- forum regarded his position received any requests for such ing such services, Rev Jeremy more critically. ‘Bethany R’ a blessing but that the reaction Caddick wrote to the Bishop of declared, “I think it’s really sad has been “overwhelmingly ON JANUARY 25, a visitor to 17th century had been in the but maintained it had been “a Ely telling him, “we would not that Jeremy has so publicly positive” and has received only the Fitzwilliam Museum, collection since 1948 and tragic accident”. wish to close the door to contradicted the truths of a one letter of objection. local resident Nicholas Flynn, were among the Fitzwilliam’s However, he was arrested 42, broke three priceless most recognisable exhibits. in June on suspicion of crim- Threat to youth mental service Chinese vases after tripping Although the museum refus- inal damage. Flynn appeared on his untied shoelaces. The es to value the shattered before Cambridge magistrates man crashed into the Qing pieces, several estimates, last month in relation to a IN FEBRUARY, cash-strapped py with the decision. It was dynasty vases, which were including that of the Indepen- separate incident. He is Cambridge health chiefs then referred to the Secretary displayed on a windowsill at dent, place the total damage at charged with assaulting announced their decision to of State for Health and a deci- the foot of a staircase. around £100,000. Timothy Stallard, and using slash youth mental health sion is pending. A Cambridge Onlookers said the man lay Following the accident, threatening and abusive services. The Therapeutic City and South among the vases’ fragments Flynn recounted his story on behaviour towards staff at Community, a two-year Cambridgeshire Primary Care for several minutes, before media outlets including Campkins Future Vision, in programme for young people Trust spokesperson told sitting up and pointing to the Richard and Judy and Toronto King’s Parade, Cambridge. with mental health problems Varsity that the PCT can loose shoelace exclaiming, State Radio. On Tuesday, Cambridgeshire will close. The decision to continue to make plans but “There it is! That's the He told Varsity that he had police declared that his bail close the service was referred cannot implement anything culprit!” The enamelled and immediately apologised to the was cancelled and no further to the local NHS Scrutiny permanent until the Secretary gilded artworks from the late museum for his costly slip, action would be taken. Committee who were unhap- of State’s decision is known.

Which floor of the UL has waiting patiently at lack of) did not might the trees. And a somewhat gonads had been irradiat- been the venue for some Robinson? We did consider strict standards of the exhibitionist couple getting ed.’ Our newshound made rather extra-curricular printing an exclusive ‘ball committee. Adding insult to a little bit too friendly on her excuses and left. activities this exam term? review’ but frankly thought injury, a lack of funds the banks of King’s lawn. Concerned librarians were better of it. Put it away. meant the only available The perturbed punters Well, it’s been another year forced to take action after Meanwhile, at another ball, trousers for another ball averted their eyes and of shocking exposes, scur- several revisers were which unfortunate crasher (paid for, this time) were sailed on by. rilous gossip, and titillating disturbed by some distinctly met his comeuppance purchased from that ultra- tidbits from everyone here non-studious sounds from whilst scaling a particularly classy formal-wear outlet, Lastly, which Cambridge at the Bishop. We have to the stacks. Work hard, play high wall, leaping Oxfam, and were several alumnus was overheard at go undercover for a few hard, as they say. triumphantly to the sizes too small. Ouch. a recent launch party months now for reasons of hallowed ball-ground only discussing one particularly national security, but we’ll Waiting in line for a May to notice an exceedingly Picture the scene: the nasty incident, which be keeping our eyes peeled A final sermon Ball can be exciting at the obvious tear in the crotch relaxing waters of the Cam, occurred when he was a over the summer months before our man’s best of times. But which region of his expensive tux, a soon-to-graduate group science student? ‘One for more shocking stories of student went a step too far exposing his gleaming of friends enjoying a relax- time,’ he informed our filth and wonder. Will we summer sabbatical when he accidentally bared white underwear below? ing evening punt, birds bemused undercover be back next term? Who all to shocked revelers Suffice to say, his dress (or chirping quietly in the reporter, ‘I discovered my knows. Bless you all. 23.06.06 Advertisement Varsity 7 MAYS14

is out now simply one of the most impressive “ collections of “ student writing it’s ever been my

pleasure to read

- Don Paterson a place of opportunity, “ ambition, “ possibility and challenge - Jeanette Winterson available from Borders, Heffer’s & Waterstones or direct from Varsity:

Send a cheque for £6.99 per copy payable to ‘Varsity Publications Ltd’ to: Mays 14, Varsity, 11-12 Trumpington Street, Cambridge CB2 1QA 8 Varsity Advertisement 23.06.06 Features 9 TEXT-TASTIC28.04.06 Varsity

Q. Which company answers 100,000 questions a month? A. The Cambridge-based ‘82ASK’. The founders talk to RACHEL DIVALL and answer all the questions she can throw at them 2ASK is the brainchild of those pub moments”. He and people at work who want incorrect. Apparently even the answered query. The majority logue of the Guinness Book of former city slickers Sarah Sarah were both financial answers to business queries. most difficult questions rarely of messages, however, can’t be Records. The company have 8McVittie and Thomas analysts at UBS and had Originally the company take longer than a couple of answered in this way and are increased by more than 25% Roberts. The two gave up their noticed that they were often refused to answer any ques- hours, and most questions are passed on to a group of each month over the past city jobs three years ago to asked by bosses to come up tions with a sexual undertone, answered in a matter of ‘textperts’. There are current- three years and are currently found the service, which aims with answers to demanding however they received an minutes, making the service ly 150 trained ‘textperts’ who trialling a subscription service to provide “immediate access questions at the last minute. unexpectedly high number of an ideal aid to pub quizzes - work from home via the where members pay £3 a to any information, at any They say the service is not questions from teenagers who research carried out for the Internet. Some have very week for an unlimited number time from any place”. Users designed to rival search used the service as a source of company revealed that at one broad general knowledge, but of questions. can text in any question from engines like Google, but rather anonymous advice. It was point, 83 per cent of questions others have more specific Whilst finishing off this arti- anywhere in the world and, if to provide “information on the decided it would be wrong not were arriving between 8 and areas of expertise. Each cle at some ungodly hour at all goes to plan, will receive an move”. Thomas says a notable to provide advice on subjects 10 pm on Mondays and ‘textpert’ has an assigned Varsity HQ, I texted the service answer within minutes. recent success was the busi- such as sexual health, but Tuesdays. mentor who reviews their to inquire what flavour of I texted the service to ask nessman who texted from Thomas says “it is very difficult Rid Hollands, 82ASK’s performance every month - pizza they thought I was the best way was to set up an China after his flight to Beijing because obviously from a text Business Development those who have done well are eating (pepperoni, Italian interview with founders Sarah was unexpectedly diverted, we’ve got no way of telling Manager, said one of the most given the first choice for the base). Scarily quickly the and Thomas, and an hour later asking for the numbers of the how old the person is.” difficult questions he can next month’s shifts. The correct reply arrived in my got a reply apologising for the three best hotels in the city he Questions where the subject remember was an enquiry company currently has the inbox, but sadly nobody delay and giving me an email had landed in. 82ASK were matter is illegal or inappropri- about the number of bricks British Quiz Champion on seemed to know why I was address. The next day I found able to reply in a matter of ate are not given answers, and there were in the average their books. eating it. It was completely myself in 82ASK’s Cambridge minutes and he wrote to in these cases neither are the detached house. 82ASK sent a Last month the top cate- disgusting. offices, learning about thank them on his return. questioners charged. reply immediately saying they gories for questions were Arts 82ASK are currently receiv- ‘textperts’, how many dimples Broadly speaking, the ques- Posing a question costs the were working on an answer, & Entertainment, Science & ing more than 20 applications there are in a golf ball, and tions 82ASK receive fall into price of a normal text message contacted some brick experts, Nature, and Sport. Football is a day to be a textpert, but why the company has been three categories: questions and the answer is £1, reverse- and two days later replied currently the most popular Thomas says Cambridge forced to change its policy from people wanting answers billed to your phone. The with the figure. individual subject, accounting students are in with a good about questions with sexual that will settle arguments or company is protected by its When a question arrives it is for five per cent of all shot, and that the working undertones. help with pub quizzes, people terms and conditions, which dealt with by a computer, enquiries. 82ASK have recent- hours seem to really suit the Thomas describes coming using the service as an alter- ensure they won’t be liable if which categorises it and tries ly finalised a deal giving them PhD timetable. Email up with the idea as “one of native Yellow Pages, and advice they send proves to be to match it to a previously access to the entire back cata- [email protected] to apply. Shame exams are finished: Great ways to spend a quid: Varsity trials the service, posing Tripos questions The most bizarre questions 82ASK received

LAW Q. Who is the loveliest of them all? Q: Legal positivists claim that the rule of law does not partake of any inheent moral A. According to askmen.com Adriana Lima (Brazilian supermodel) is most desirable significance. Are they correct in so claiming? woman in the world. According to FHM sexiest woman in world is Kelly Brook. A: This is contentious. 1 branch argues distinction between principles and rules. Others argue every legal rule is ethically relevant, since they affect freedom. Response Time: 4 minutes Q. When will I next know the love of a woman? A. National av. is sex 110 times a year. So statistically, you are fairly likely to have sex PHILOSOPHY within the next few days. (obv. doesn't work like that in prac) Q: Will my acting morally make my life better for me? A: If you have morals then your life will probably be more comfortable if you live by them. If Q. Which game starts with a squidge off? you have no morals you could find yourself in trouble. Response Time: 4 minutes Tiddlywinks starts with a Squidge off. All players shoot one wink from their baseline towards the pot. The player landing closest to the pot wins HISTORY Q: Why were there so many rebellions against the French Crown in the 17th century? Q. How many golf balls are on the moon? A: Causes of French revolution: a poor economic situation, a resentment of royal absolutism, an A. Apollo 14 (1971): Shepard, the first golfer on the Moon, took 3 balls. He left a ball aspiration for liberty and republicanism and other reasons. Response Time: 4 minutes behind for future golfers ENGLISH Q. If u tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, Q: In Shakespeare’s Rome, women are symbolically central but socially peripheral. what would happen? Do you agree? A. The cat would land on its feet. Cats can twist in middair to ensure that they land feet A: This is one valid interpretation: Shakespeare read Livy, Plutarch and Ovid and recreated a down. Toast only has mythical power to land butter-side down. Rome (and Elizabeth England) in which women were key ciphers but socially restricted. Response Time: 6 minutes Q. How many maltesers can u fit in the albert hall? A. Vol. of space occ. by 1 malteser approx. 0.12 cubic in. A-Hall, oval, 200ft length , 160ft HPS breadth, 140ft high, cubic ft = 3,518,584 so about 50.6bn m's Q: What is the difference, if any, between the history of technology and the history of science? Q. What is the funniest joke? A: Science is the reasoned investigation or study of nature aimed at making discoveries. A. 2 hunters in wood, 1 collapses. 999 call: 'My friend is dead! What can I do?' Reply: Technology is the use of knowledge so comes after science. Response Time: 4 minutes 'Let's make sure he's dead'. A gun is heard. Guy says 'OK, now what? 10 Varsity Features 23.06.06 The heroic hi-jinks Garden Party of Henry Hampshire This week, our dashing always just too late. hero, Henry Hampshire, Henry: Why didn’t you just SEEN Tuesday tries to get into a highly wear shoes? prestigious May Ball by Mike: That doesn’t matter venturing up the river with now. What were we just Illustration Abi Millar dark clothes and a snorkel. doing? Emerging from the river at Henry: You were just about Words James Allnutt 4.00pm a point he had long known to direct me to some oyster to be the Ball’s vulnerable cocktails served upside- spot, he makes his way down by fire-breathing forward to decadence and clowns. laughter. But alack! Here Mike: Oh, yes. Turn right comes beefy security rookie, at the top of the bank, over Mike Plum, looking red- the bridge, carry on and it’s faced. How will Hampshire on the left there. Alright? get out of this one? Have a good ball, son. Henry: Cheers. Mike: Oi! Mike: Laterz chief. Hold Henry: Erm…alright? on, it says here noone is Mike: Put your hands allowed to enter the ball behind your back, and hold except via the front gate, up your wristband. which I suppose means you Henry:I can’t really do probably can’t enter the ball that, can I? from the river. Which Mike: Ok, put your wrist- means you’ve broken the band behind your back, and rules, and you’re going to turn around. have to come with me. Henry: No I meant I can’t Henry: Damn. Where are because I’m afraid I don’t we going? have a wristband. Mike: To the top of the Mike: No wristband? bank and then out of the Henry: No. main gate where I will toss Mike: How on earth did you nonchalantly into the you manage to get into the gutter, followed, with a ball without a wristband? small hiatus, by your collec- Henry:I haven’t got into it tion of personal things. yet, I was just emerging Henry: But then you’ll be victorious from the river as entering into the ball from you turned up. I’m going to the river yourself, breaking get changed into the tuxedo the same security rules. You inside this waterproof bag, also have no ticket or and go and get a wristband tuxedo, which isn’t going to now. look good is it? You would Mike: Oh right. Well, on have to throw yourself out, your way, then. Can’t be and you’d never get paid. walking around a ball with- Looks like we’re pretty out a wristband. That’s just much in the same boat, so zany. to speak. Henry: Thanks, have a Mike: Shit. Man, this is so good night. annoying. All I wanted was Mike: Cheers, mate. And a nice quiet time tonight, you. Wait a minute, oi, take the cash and go back come back ‘ere. Why didn’t home to Worcester. And you go through the front now something like this gate like everyone else? happens. Henry: Ah. Right. Well, Henry:Well look, neither um, I wanted to come of us have a wristband, but through the river because you have a radio and I the ball looks so much have a tux, so if you could nicer from this angle, and I get one of your friends to do hate all that queue leave me a wristband some- banter and picture-taking. where in the ball, I could Mike:Yeah so do I. Most then make a mad dash to tiresome. that place, get the wrist- Henry:I bet you have to band and start dancing put up with that shit all the convincingly, and all would time being a security man! be well. Mike:Yes! Ha, ha, ha! Mike: Ok, but what about Hangabout, it’s because you me! I don’t want to get don’t have a ticket! thrown out! Please don’t let Henry:I do, I’m just going them throw me out! I’m to go and give it in now, sorry for everything! having come from a slightly Henry: Get a hold of your- different but perfectly legiti- self, you fat fool! You’ll mate route that you’re just have to swim down the unused to. Bye, now. river to leave the ball, go Mike: Just a second. Can I and find a tuxedo some- see the ticket, please? where. I promise I will then Henry: Right, yes. I’ll just come and let you in at the get it out of my back front. It’s not going to be pocket … or is it the other easy, but you’ve got your- one … no wait it’s in my self into this mess, after all. shoe, hold on. I always Here, put on these already keep my valuables in my wet clothes while I change shoe when I go swimming - into my tuxedo, leave your isn’t that strange? I mean security uniform here and what a funny place to keep collect it later. You’re going things in! to have to crash the ball to Mike: No I used to do that get it back and have any all the time, but then I chance of a normal life wore sandals a lot back in again. the day and I used to lose Mike: Ok. Look, I’m shak- so much money walking ing! Right, lets do it. Mike around the changing rooms to Dan, do you read me? that I had to stop going Dan? Hello mate, look I swimming in the end. Just need a wristband, right? got too expensive. Strangers Leave it in the corner next would alert me to the to the commission-free precious coins rolling inex- Bureau de Change. … orably towards the drain, Never mind what for! 23.06.06 Features Varsity 11 We’re all going on a summer holiday... So, in the immortal words of stereotypical hairdressers everywhere, “Going anywhere nice this summer?” Three months of freedom loom before us, so why not do something amazing, inspiring and truly memorable, whatever your budget? CATHERINE HALL suggests ways to escape the UL and make this summer the one you’ll always remember!

4 Go on 3 Do a conservation place- Tall Ships. Work on a tall 1 Go to Edinburgh Fringe ment. From raising and ship, learn all about sailing Festival. Support fellow 2 Go interrailing. With and celebrate the 50th ticket prices starting from releasing wild orang-utans Cambridge students, and in Malaysia to helping anniversary of the first Tall experience the best of £145, exploring Europe has Ships race from Torbay to never been cheaper! protect Brazilian rainforest, theatre, comedy and music give something back to Lisbon. Enjoy the thrill of at the Edinburgh Fringe Explore Eastern Europe the race, but don’t forget before it becomes totally nature whilst discovering a Festival, running August 6- new place. Forget your local your seasickness tablets! 28. touristified, hop over to Morocco, sample some fine Oxfam, for real charity cuisine and see Europe on a work head to Kenya to raise shoestring budget! Don’t lion cubs, to Australia for fancy the train? Take the some bat conservation or Sri bus instead with Eurolines. Lanka to save elephants.

5 Go around the world. Get a RTW plane ticket and the world is your oyster! In 60 days, experience Canada, 6 Do some work experience 7 Head to Cornwall. For and Hawaii, New Zealand abroad. Practise your tea- breath-taking views, surfing and Australia, Singapore making, pad out your CV and waterskiing in and Thailand. For the best and try out a new career for Newquay, midnight strolls taster of what the world has a week. From working on a on the beach, hiking on 8 Travel around North to offer, it’s possible to go fashion magazine in Bodmin Moor, partying in America. See the Grand around the world this Shanghai to doing PR in Penzance and getting away Canyon before they build a summer for under £3000 in Peru, work experience will on a tiny budget, Cornwall shopping mall on it, gamble total. Phileas Fogg eat your give you the chance to is the place to be this in Las Vegas, and count the heart out! immerse yourself in another summer. Think tiny fishing plastic surgery mistakes in culture, whilst being able to harbours, vast acres of moor LA. Hire a car and drive look pityingly at the land and hundreds of local around with friends or take ‘tourists’. pubs. Discover the best that an organised trek. England has to offer.

9 Have an unplanned Easyjet trip. Fancy an 10 Visit the Vatican. Why unplanned, inexpensive way not take a trip to the smallest 12 Do a language course. to discover Europe? Head to country in the world, with a Study at the Sorbonne, the airport armed with pass- population of only 932? Say become fluent in French port and backpack and pick hi to the Pope, marvel at the and live in Paris. a flight. Travelling has never Sistine Chapel, immerse Alternatively, take a TEFL been cheaper, so take yourself in culture. course and head somewhere advantage of those last further afield. Your supervi- minute deals and take an sor will love you, your unplanned trip to anywhere parents will be impressed that takes your fancy! 11 Do the biggest bungee and it can only help your jump in the world. Head to studies! South America and experi- ence 216 metres of free fall. Put your faith in a glorified rubber band and reach speeds of 120mph whilst Your quick checklist for the most important things to remember you plunge towards the before you jet off. Advice is from Tom Griffiths, founder of ground. Then bounce. www.gapyear.com and author of two books, Before You Go and The Virgin Traveller’s Handbook.

1. Buy insurance. 25% of young travellers travel uninsured or underin- 14 Do the Sucata Run. 15 Go to Benicassim. sured, putting both their health and their assets (and those of their parents) Got a rubbish car worth less Forget Glastonbury and V, at risk. Insurance costs on average 50 pence to £1 per day and could 13 Be a tourist in London. than £250? Sucata means for sunshine, great bands make the difference between bankruptcy or not. Imagine breaking your leg Arm yourself with a ‘rubbish’ in Portuguese, so and a festival atmosphere abroad. Without insurance that could mean a bill of £10,000. Could you camera, a guidebook and grab your old banger and be head to the Spanish pay that on your average student loan? experience the sights of part of a rally driving to Festival, running July 20- 2. Take a proper travel first aid kit, complete with clean needles. If you get London. Take a double- Portugal, leaving from 23. Pitch your tent, wash in into a situation where medical assistance is necessary, you need to be sure decker bus, picnic in Hyde Calais on August 25, and that the needles being used are sterilised. Also, if you are in a country the sea and dance all day where supplies are low, it’s not fair to be using up their meagre supplies. Park, catch a musical and ending in the most Western on the five stages. enjoy being a tourist. The part of Europe. Do some Bring your own. 3. Take a good backpack. Avoid serious back problems, by getting a Millennium Wheel is a fundraising and pray that comfortable, well-fitted backpack and practise packing it before you go. If must, and don’t forget the the car will make it! you can’t pack it quickly when at home, you’re not going to have a hope obligatory photo in front of when trying to cram everything before running to catch a bus whilst on the Buckingham Palace, before road. heading off to beat the 4. Arrange how you’re going to keep in touch with people at home. Set up queue at Madame Tussauds. an online travel diary or blog, buy a SIM card for your mobile for the coun- try you are travelling in, change your telephone company at home so calls to foreign countries are cheaper, and make sure you read all the small print if you buy a call card abroad! 5. Organise your money. Set up a bank account which doesn’t charge withdrawal fees and take travellers cheques in dollars for emergencies. 12 Varsity Advertisement 23.06.06 © 06AcnueAlrgt reserved. rights All Accenture 2006

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accenture.com/ukgraduates 23.06.06 Comment Varsity 13

WHAM BAM, THANK The undomestic goddess YOU SPAM Varsity has words with ‘Mrs Ama Ahmed’

Reflections on life, lust and laundry V: Many thanks for your email, I am very excited about the opportunity to receive $25 million, and am quite keen to Tess Riley get moving on this. I am a little wary though, as I have he end of Easter Term is FIONA interesting. Shall we go for a just watched a really good

very significant. For those SCOBLE drink?”, then realise, turn as episode of Watchdog in which Tgraduating, I imagine the pink as said pants, and have to someone was conned into primary feeling is panic. For make a rapid exit, ungracious- giving their bank details to everyone else, this can be a ly lugging washing behind someone who then went on time to reflect on how much you. to spend all their savings. you have learnt over the past The trip back to the Some people are just unbeliev- year. A significant realisation bedroom is a bit more of an able, aren't they?!?! for me at the end of my first effort; four floors up this time year was how (un)domesticat- and now that the clothes are AA: Thank you for your ed I had become. damp, the black bin bag is response to my email. I am I had not learnt to be ripping under the weight, your very happy hearing from you, successful at domestic tasks but bras are spilling out onto the This transaction is very simple to compensate for domesticity stairway just outside hall, and so long as you follow my with clever tricks. By my third you realise when you get back instructions. Immediately you term I owned enough socks to to your room that you have receive this mail, I want you last me a month and had accumulated three socks (not to contact our bank director found a purpose for my huge your own) and lost your here in the Cote d’Ivoire and tome of Chaucer – a fabulous favourite vest-top. discuss with him. With my clothes press. Luckily ripped Second years are much position as the foreign remit- jeans were ‘in’ so I had no more in the know about wash- tance manager with the bank, need to learn how to sew and I ing politics. Having spent a I will be giving you all guide- was told that that it’s good for year trying to avoid it, I now lines to follow it is 100% risk your immune system not to look forward to it. The tricks? free. wash up too much. Excellent. Embrace the crumpled look Now at the end of my and get your parents to bring V: I must say the Cote d'Ivoire second year I think I am clean sheets and underwear sounds amazing and beautiful. becoming a bit of an expert at when they come to visit. Instead of you coming to the art of knowing about Then, reassess your aims collect your share of the washing. I remain thwarted by and objectives. Why are you money from me, perhaps I the fact that however much doing your washing? If your could come and stay with you washing is done, however purpose is to get clean clothes and your family for a couple much Persil is used, the clothes you are inevitably in for disap- of weeks? I will have plenty of are destined to stay dirty but I pointment and will be left money to buy a flight once I now possess a valuable insight feeling a failure. Instead, see get my hands on this into the process. Like everyone washing as the opportunity to $12.5million (shared)! else, my ‘first time’ was memo- find your armchair again after rable. The washing machines – weeks of garment-burial. Have AA: Remember we have to of which there are five for an fun experimenting with differ- team up and pay the lawyer entire college – are four flights ent brands of softeners and who is going to get the paper- down, in the basement, all the rename yourself the Domestic work ready on your behalf for way across the other side of Goddess. Also, do not forget the authorising of the released college. Loaded with my black the exercise you are doing as of this funds directly to your bin-bag full of clothes, I set off. heavy lecture schedule. pound – the machine knows your washing while the fit you trundle to the washroom. account. please do contact the First lesson: never do wash- Lectures? better and the maintenance football captain is in there Doing regular washing is a bank then get back to me. ing on Saturdays – there is a Secondly, do not worry men now hate me. Fourthly, washing his team’s kit. You great excuse to chat to that scary aura of science lingering about separating colours from having removed items from the will inevitably strike up that lovely footballer you met. Just V: I have just tried calling the in the washroom that intimi- whites. Everything comes out machine you will end up in conversation you’ve been wait- keep granny pants out of the bank but there was no answer. dates those who cling to the the same colour as it went in the odd position of still having ing for, only to extract bright way and ensure you put on The phone rang and rang but hope that they are pursuing anyway, including those tooth- dirty clothes but they are now pink granny-pants from the some clean socks before you nobody picked up. How ‘The Arts’. This is related to the paste dribbles down your PJs. wet and smell faintly of flow- machine, wave them around go – you never know how unusual! Have I made a deluge of poor NatScis who (Don’t tell me it’s just me). ers. Like Glastonbury. But not. inadvertently as you try to much clothing you might be mistake? The tragedy is that I have no time to do washing Thirdly, do not try and use left- And the final and most make expressive gestures handling in the basement after spent all of my loose change during the week due to a over Euros and pretend it is a important lesson: never remove translating as “you are so all. on the phone call and am now literally penniless. I couldn't even afford a sandwich on my lunch break today and had to eat some cold pizza that was leftover. Also, peculiarly, I Gosh! Hasn’t time flown? searched for the bank using the popular search engine Google but it says the bank Emotional ramblings of a soon-to-be graduate doesn’t exist! This seems very perturbing. Is this a real bank? Rachel Willcock AA: As you can see my picture can tell you that I am m I heart-broken to leave puzzled when I notice in my diary that know it we are in the stately third party is over, rather than a will for it no more a kid for playing Cambridge? Like other finalists, I it is already week six, leading me to year, pulling too-young Freshers feels to continue. I was not crying because I games. Let us be serious in Arepeatedly hear this question question ‘what exactly have I been slightly sinister and stable friendships wanted to stay but because leaving, no this business why you want from well-meaning concerned family doing?’ I have been so wrapped up in have turned into a self-defining tribe. matter how ready you are, is very sad. the bank website to call the and friends. I have simply had to preparing for May Week that I cannot Work is so unbearable that thought of Being handed the piece of paper at wrong number and the person murmur in agreement to sympathetic possibly comprehend the following graduation seems pleasant rather than Senate house could never be a satisfac- what? ARE YOU TRYING TO clîches about how quickly time has week. Beyond this indifference, I have dreadful, information from the outside tory conclusion to everything that IMPLICATE ME OR FOLLOW passed. I agree to an extent, but this found myself taking on the tone of a world about careers and houses gradu- these three wonderful, exciting, INSTRUCTIONS? degree has seemed like an eternity.A philosophical sage, imparting gems of ally filters into our lives; the oyster anxious and magical three years have mere two years separates my first-year wisdom that ‘the time is right to be shell gradually prized open to let in the meant to me. Endings are never satis- V: I thought I’d get in touch from my graduating self; the former leaving’ and that ‘I am emotionally broad daylight. Whether the three fying. I have been leaving Cambridge as I hadn’t heard from you now seems entirely foreign to me. ready’ having ‘grown cynical about years of incubation have produced a in my mind for the last few months for a while. I emailed my Nine eight-week terms have transport- Cambridge.’ pearl or a stinking piece of shellfish is and will continue to do so long after bank details but so far ed me into an introspective world, so Three years prepares one for leaving up for all to see on a board outside next Thursday, as my new life filters haven’t received any news. engrossing and personality-shaping and can perhaps be viewed as micro- Senate House. into this one. The microcosm of When should I book my that it is hard to imagine my life cosm of mortality. First years are Accepting myself as a bitter and mortality is only a temporary one, for flights to come and meet outside Cambridge. So consumed by bewildered and optimistic children; twisted old third year whose ironic it is not our ‘real’ selves but our you? the present, I have had little chance to amazed by the novelty of the place dancing in Cindies is a mile away from Cambridge selves that die, and often reflect on the world post-next and open-minded about the alliances the sheer unadulterated glee of a these elderly third year ruins are ready V: I am living on the street Thursday and so continue to smile and formed, yet simultaneously experienc- fresher; I didn’t realize quite how false to go. As George Eliot commented in and had to sell my belong- shrug, unaffected by the fact that my ing the adolescent trauma of these platitudes were until I found Middlemarch; ‘Every limit is a begin- ings and family. I am sending university career is ending. image-shaping. Second year is a more myself in the Cheese tent at John’s ball ning as well as an ending.’ The this from one of those new Luckily the pace of Cambridge is so stable middle age, as we have college on Tuesday night sobbing violently beginning may be terrifying and the internet phones using 20p fast that it gives little opportunity to children and feel ready to pass on whilst dancing with my roommate to ending may be tragic but there is that an ice-cream man gave reflect on the significance of the pass- advice about the Cambridge world; still Robbie’s ‘Let me entertain you’. something affirming about once more me in exchange for song. ing time. Utterly alien for me to plan in touch with the younger generation Perhaps I have not grown up as becoming the bawling baby, wide-eyed When will I get my money? anything more than a few days in but safely distant from the third year much as I thought. However, the tears with wonder at all the world holds for Let me know as soon as advance during full term, I find myself when work ‘counts’. Then, before we were those of an awareness that the us. possible. 14 Varsity Comment 23.06.06

When I was When the neurotic get drunk... 21 They carry out a risk assessment Cherie Booth QC Jude Townend AHLHARDING RACHEL started May Week with one tourists. If the tourists did not main theory about pay for opportunity to take ICambridge: that not a day pictures of us riding a bike (is goes by without seeing a there something I’m missing wheelie suitcase, or a person here? Do we have a particu- talking to themselves. I chal- lar unusual way of pushing lenge you to disprove this. the pedals, or maybe it’s the The victor receives all of the novelty of the standard one early-edition cheese-and-ham trouser leg tucked into a sock pastry stained copies of The – as sensible as changing your Independent littering our shoes at a ball), our purpose house. in life would be lost. Cherie is a leading Silk specialising Ashamedly I’m among the Favourite tourist quote of the in public law, human rights and many Cambridge students week, American of course, as European Community law. who simply love reflecting on she looked up admiringly at Cambridge and its quirks; May Jim Garrahy’s Fudge Kitchen, Week provides perfect material “The history… it just looks… What were you doing in the for plenty of self-absorbed and so…so… good!” That almost year that you were 21? I was affected rambling about outrivals hearing an American only 20 when I graduated so I Cambridge’s ‘crazy’ eccentricity at the Accropolis one summer, was doing my Bar Final and -I mean, even its name is “omygod it’s so amazing how teaching Law part-time at the suitably misleading. When the it [the Parthenon] got here… Polytechnic of Central London opportunity for numerous (reflective pause)… like… the (now Westminster University). garden parties and four balls pyramids… who did that?!’’ came my way – all free of hair-straightened May Ball organised by a fluorescent geous queue of the week = May Week, as formulaic as How did you celebrate your course - I saw the potential indie headliner’s stipulated jacket clad non-drinking Jazz at John’s Garden Party. the last and admittedly in 21st birthday? My dad took me picking ground for succulently rider (one this year allegedly comp-sci who in his role as Demand for olives and paté June, but we love it. Yes, balls out for dinner at a fancy French pretentious eavesdroppings included four pairs of clean ‘safety officer’, I kid you not, led to a line which actually are over-priced and as ridicu- restaurant where I tasted snails and observations. Admittedly, grey socks with 5mm elasticat- motivates the crocodile of encircled the entire garden, lous as the lone for the first (and last) time and the whole not-paying-thing ed tops). My stint gave me students around a pub every blocking anyone from seeing white-feathered Ascot-style was promptly sick! did mean I found myself at time to formulate some new half an hour from 11am to the stage at all. Not that we hat at New Hall Garden Party one am Monday night on theories. 11pm. Safety guidelines could possibly be there to see last Sunday, but that we’re What were you afraid of? I cloakroom duty reading ‘A 1. Cambridge student include recommended female the bands of course. And can willing to pay out, participate, don’t think it crossed my mind Musical History of the Wesley ‘craziness’ is contrived. and male alcohol unit someone explain exactly why and above all organise them, is to be afraid of anything although Brothers’ – the only amuse- Spontaneity is not necessary; consumption levels and an it is necessary to queue five part of Cambridge’s beauty. had I realised at the time how ment Clare Choir common in fact the more pre-planned Excel spreadsheet plan of hours early for a ball when all And without self-indulgent few women there were at the room could offer me, other the better. For example, the action - with grid references of the guests hold a ticket? Last reflection on our absurdities, Bar in 1975 I might have been than the stream of sensible ‘craziness’ of the students who each pub, no doubt. Contrived year at Trinity, I witnessed VIP Cambridge’s uniqueness put off. girls coming into change their turned an equally ‘crazy’ craziness is why we love May guests, on entry, break into a wouldn’t exist at all. In fact, shoes while well-trained friend’s bedroom into a beach Balls. And why drinking soci- run for the champagne; I this week I didn’t even have What made you angry? boyfriends looked devotedly overnight, decorated with sun eties love socials and Suicide remain convinced that this to leave the house to prove Injustice. on. One lovelorn ballgoer parasols and sand, rested on Sunday – an entire year to was in desperation for kudos my original theory: my sister even asked for a needle and the fact that it had been pre-plan the ‘spontaneity’ of to form the first queue of the came to visit, wheelie suitcase Where had you travelled to? As thread to sew up his other planned for three months, bikini-clad girls wrestling in night, rather than lay their in tow, and we have my least- my mum was in the travel busi- half’s dress, and for a spare zip with three risk assessments paddling pools of jelly…crazy! hands on real champagne decisive, and most dithery ness I had been to France, and sewing machine if possi- and an organising committee 2. It is not fun if there is (admittedly a rarity in the Cambridge friend currently Spain, Italy and Romania. ble. That’s almost as complete with social secretary. not a queue. That way, even a May Ball circuit). staying with us, who can’t outrageous a request as your This week, an annual girly synchronised trip to the 3. Our intelligence is even make toast without a Which artists and/or musicians average little-known carefully Downing birthday pub crawl, loo can be fun. Most outra- defined by the stupidity of the running monologue. did you like? As a Liverpool girl I loved the Beatles. I also enjoyed Joni Mitchell and artists like James Taylor and Simon and Garfunkel. The charming madness of youth

How did you spend most of your free time? Reading. Love in a time of pseudo-intellectualism Who were your heroes? Dame Rose Heilbron the first woman Rupert Myers QC and second ever woman ife is about gleaning satisfaction come. We ought to remain as heady, we have somehow sustained. We so many brilliant and extraordinary High Court judge (who like me from our inevitable failures, not as greedy for the pursuits of spurious leave exhausted, hungry for new people is the reason this is all was a Liverpool girl), Robert about finding failure in our happiness, but we know that grow- challenges, and a little heartbroken worthwhile, and the reason it will Kennedy, Martin Luther King and L satisfaction. As another ‘year’ ends, ing up can often get in the way. – a part of us will forever be at be difficult to pack up and go. all those involved in the we stagger off into the blissful For this reason I say that University, forever thinking that The point of Varsity articles as I American Civil rights movement. obscurity of the real world and for University is about love, for what is Sainsburys is just too far to walk at have always seen them is that they many a little part of us dies, because love if not the meeting of two minds the moment, forever eager to give a platform upon which ordinary What did you treasure (eg. University is about love; love of without the impediments that we continue the conversation until people may strive to say extraordi- most prized possession)? ideas, of situations, of buildings, of will soon cultivate as we adopt dawn. nary things. I can’t really do the Nothing that I can remember. drinks, of friends, and that special ‘professional’ personae? Many will It is this love that will remind us latter half of that. I can ask you all sort of love we will look back upon leave this University joyful and of Cambridge, be it the bumps or to stop and think about just how What did you regret? Not being and call the charming madness of content, for others there have been survivors photos, be it in the people much you love the people you able to drive. I only passed my youth. My grandmother once told tragedies, but for all there has been we spend our lives with. It is the know, and how much your lives test at 29. me that we were all most open that overwhelming feeling of being love of numbers, shapes, organisms, have been changed by that amazing about ourselves at university – in love with a place, a time, a rules, and dreams which we will and mysterious facet of human What made you cry? Soppy perhaps the big wide world instills in person, a song, a fleeting moment of spend our lives forever indebted to. nature. For my part, I have loved movies and books still do. us all defences and barriers to perfection. These are the things Just as the bright side of failing is and adored it all, even the bits I honesty which prevent the magnani- which give birth to the smiles which what you did when you weren’t in really wouldn’t have said I did at the What do you know now which mous approach we have to strangers will form the wrinkles of our old the library, the joy of leaving is that time. Live boldly, escape the shadow you wish you had known then? we meet at May Balls, parties, even age. you were ever here. That you ever of your Cambridge days with even That you are not young for ever in the street. Perhaps as we become Passion has driven us through could walk confidently through the greater heights, try valiantly to be as and so you should grasp all your more serious we hide away our these three years. Not always gate at King’s without being stopped, honest and open as you are now, opportunities as they come. private lives, and create a duality of passion for work, but passion for that you were ever offered a Big and remember all the love in this Cally Squires existence which is difficult to over- the extraordinary way of life that Issue in poetic form, that you know time of pseudo-intellectualism.

Varsity has been Cambridge’s independent student Editors Chief News Editor Features Editor newspaper since 1947, and distributes 10,000 free copies to Varsity is published by Varsity Publications Ltd. and printed by Raj Bavishi & Rachel Divall [email protected] Rachel Cooper [email protected] Catherine every Cambridge college and ARU weekly. Varsity is proud to Hall [email protected] Lifestyle Editor Benj Ohad Seidler [email protected] Arts Editors Jon Swaine & Was Yaqoob Cambridge Evening News. All copyright is the exclusive prop- be the holder of numerous student media awards and a vast erty of Varsity Publications Ltd. [email protected] Web Editor Jon Hewer [email protected] number of alumni now working in international media. Varsity Associate Editor Jude Townend Front Page Design Tom Windley Photo Editor Ben Jones [email protected] also publishes BlueSci magazine, The Mays, and an online edition at www.varsity.co.uk, and broadcasts weekly on No part of this publication is to be reproduced, stored on a Business Manager Chris Adams [email protected] Production Manager Michael Derringer [email protected] Company CUR1350. retrieval system or submitted in any form or by any means, Secretary Patricia Dalby [email protected] Board of Directors: Dr. Michael Franklin (Chair), Prof. Peter without prior permission of the publisher. News Editors Gabriel Byng, Joe Gosden, Emily Stokes, Jamie Munk Interviews Editor Cally Squires Satire Editor James Allnutt Fashion Robinson, Mr Tim Harris, Ms Katy Long, Mr Tim Moreton, Editors Claire Jamieson & Kaz Leslie Lifestyle Columnist Jenny Stocks Theatre Editors Hermione Buckland-Hoby & Matilda James Mr Tom Wilkie, Mr Ifti Qurashi, Mr James Dacre (Varsoc © Varsity Publications Ltd, 2006. 11-12 Trumpington St.,Cambridge CB2 1QA Sub-editors Catherine Hall, Tom Parry-Jones, Rashid Jarvis Graphics Tom Kingsley, Tom Windley President), Mr Tom Walters, Ms Amy Goodwin, Mr Jon Swaine, Mr Jon Hewer, Mr Michael Derringer and Mr Tel: (01223) 353422 Fax: (01223) 352913 Christopher Wright 23.06.06 Editorial Varsity 13 RACHEL HARDING

May Week Mayhem There have been fun and frolics in abundance this week, but it seems that on a few occasions things have gone too far. May Week is certainly the time to let your hair down and do all the things you’ve been denying yourself during this hellish term. But antics shouldn’t include tipping small children out of canoes, or getting so drunk you start showing strangers other people’s exam scripts. Opinion about drinking societies is generally polarised; they are either loved or reviled. But whilst a personal choice about whether or not to drink yourself into obliv- ion, when your actions start endangering others, it’s hard to say why they could or should be justified, and easy to see why the stereotypical ‘Cambridge’ image of drunken rich kids prevails outside our own insulated environment. The Board of Examinations’ reaction to the allegations by two undergraduates that they were shown scripts in Ta Bouche has been unsatisfactory to say the least. In one of the few institutions where degrees are still almost entirely exam-based, being able to feel certain your papers are marked fairly is of paramount importance. Many students already feel that Cambridge’s assessment system leaves much to be desired and would like to see the introduction of more modular assessment and course- work. If the University wishes to defend itself against these calls for change, it is going to need to work hard to facilitate greater transparency and thus faith in the current system. Correspondence Worryingly, this incident is by no means the first time the adequacy of Cambridge’s exam system has been called into question - as reported by this paper earlier this year, email us: [email protected] there has been disquiet amongst the student body about or write to: Varsity, 11-12 Trumpington Street, Cambridge CB2 1QA the differing policies various faculties have with regards to exam feedback. Varsity believes that for the current system to remain legitimate it is absolutely imperative such luxuries come at a price Hughes Hall, Jesus and and heckled" before he students are given adequate feedback on their exam - a large amount of waste. I Sidney Sussex May Balls and opened his mouth and was performance and that they can have complete faith in the was appalled by the fact that Pembroke June Event, and no more so than any other standard of marking. at both these balls, all have been mostly successful speaker on a controversial A lack of openness is characteristic of many of the rubbish was destined for in maximising the amount of subject, and decidedly less so landfill despite the fact that waste recycled or sent for than some I can recall, after University’s actions. Last term four of CUSU’s Officers much of it could have been composting. Given he did so. raised concerns about the sufficiency of Cambridge’s either recycled (i.e. glass and Cambridgeshire’s lack of In the end his side won the student complaints procedure. At Cambridge we are cans) or sent for composting landfill space, future ball debate. blessed with unrivalled academic resources and opportu- (food, cardboard etc.). committees have a duty to Laurie Marks, nities, however it is a shame that on more basic issues of I am the founder of the minimise the amount of Queens' College trust and honesty the University still falls short. College Ball Sustainability waste that they send to such Meaningful dialogue between students and the University Project (CBSP). This year, we sites. They would do well to Mistaken Identities is to be welcomed rather than feared. offered both Clare and Caius, take our project seriously. In the chaos of exam term many may not have noticed along with all other May Hi, Balls, the opportunity to Matt Sims Oxford losing their last single-sex college. Students in our work with us to improve Robinson College I am curious if you are rival city have been divided by the announcement that their environmental and still looking for waiting staff St. Hilda’s is to go mixed, and the move certainly has ethical track record. This Them and U.S. for the Restaurant. I have implications for the future of Cambridge’s three all- Letter of included a service where we some customer service female colleges. There are compelling arguments on both offered to provide a waste Dear Sir, experience. I was working sides of the dispute, and certainly no decisions should be management team that as a waitress before. rushed - if we lose our all-female colleges they will almost the Week would deal with all aspects of If, as I assume, Ed Blain If a position for waitress certainly never reappear - but it is to be hoped that a ball’s rubbish, focussing ("What We Don't Know is available, please contact Oxford’s bold move will pave the way for an intelligent May Ball Waste particularly on recycling. Can't Hurt U.S.”, April 23) me. Dear Sir, Given that both balls were refers to the 'war on terror' I'll respond you, give my and thorough debate on this complex subject. evidently unable to carry this debate that also featured personal details and I could And lastly, we would like to say a huge thank you to I attended both Clare and out themselves it surprises George Galloway and Tony come for an interview. all the section editors and writers who have given up Caius May Balls this week me that they had the impu- Benn (I don't recall any Aneta countless hours of their May Week to produce this issue. and was impressed by the dence to ignore our other at which a U.S. official Poland Your contribution has been greatly appreciated. elegant décor, vibrant ents suggestions. spoke; correct me if I'm and indulgent food that Over the past five days, we wrong), the American Letters may be edited for abounded at both. However, have sent our teams to speaker was not "mocked space and clarity

returns on September 29th. Opportunities at Varsity

Thanks to all our 2005-6 section editors, The fireworks of May Week may still be ringing in your ears, but here at Varsity contributors, designers, sub-editors, proof- HQ we’re already preparing for our shiny new term of issues. We’re still on the readers, photographers, web team, the Board, lookout for people to be involved in our brand new editorial team - so if you have a passion for journalism in any form, get in touch - and remember experience is Pat, our advertisers and suppporters and not necessary.We’re particularly looking for sub-editors, news, arts and features writers, production managers, graphic designers, illustrators & cartoonists, everyone else. Best of luck to Emily, Adam and photographers and a satire section editor. We’re also looking for a new team to next years teams. work on and develop our website in time for its tenth anniversary in 2007. Get in touch and tell us how you want to get involved... From Chris, James, Jon, Amy, Rachel & Raj Contact [email protected] to apply or for further information 16 Varsity May Balls 23.06.06 23.06.06 May Balls Varsity 17 May Ball Reviews St John’s May Ball Emma Event - Manhattan Trinity Hall Event - Bazaar Robinson May Ball - Premiere

The forecasts had been checked, so it marquee confirmed Hot Chip as perfect between the Big Two. Certainly, in I imagine that preparing for an event than comedy in the Hall - although Robinson isn’t known for being a the grass with breakfasts and news- indoors and out so it always felt like came as little surprise. More remarkable, May Ball headliners. But this was only comparing that most emblematic of due to take place on the evening of it was the latter that was packed to ball of grand size, and with ticket papers. A second stage also featured there was more to discover. Great

perhaps, was how little the rain at St. the surface of a true depth of so many guilty ostentatious pleasures, tonight’s Suicide Sunday is a daunting task; the rafters. WILL SORBY prices fairly low for a full-scale ball, lighter acts, including stand-up attention to detail was paid, with no John’s actually mattered, and - as the things to see and do, from a funfair to marathon, Ride of the Valkyries-backed given the scenes of carnage around Outside, opportunities for castle- we arrived not really knowing what comedy and sketches from the space left unfilled by a background extent of their Ball’s quality became clear Fish hairstyling, punt rides to perfumery. fireworks display stunningly eclipsed town, the last-minute draping of ivy bouncing and foam baton gladiator to expect, pondering what would Medics’ Revue. singer, band or movie projection. - that its ingenious committee hadn’t A full description of the food and drink Trinity’s more modest, pan-pipe sound- and tweaking of tablecloths must fights enabled revellers to drunken- could make this ‘ball’ differ from The fireworks display was spectacu- We had a great night and both come up with some way of changing the on offer could fill this review on its own. tracked affair from the night before. seem equivalent to polishing the ly relive their childhoods. just an ‘event’. Upon arrival the lar and an unexpected treat, agreed that Robinson retained its weather. But, in handing out hundreds Highlights included ostrich burgers and John’s might lack the dubious Russian street lamps on the day of the Sack Complaints about food queues queue was entertained/scared by considering the low ticket prices. reputation as the leader of the of free umbrellas, they probably came as game sausages with mash, while deli- oligarch to really confirm a Chelsea-like of Rome. (Yep, that’s an anachro- may be the staple fare of reviews, but mobs of paparazzi reporters and Other ents included the ever-popu- lower-priced balls. If you’re looking close as could reasonably have been cious River Bar cocktails and White peerlessness; still, there is a distinct whiff nism. So’s most of May Week.) this was one of the areas where photographers drafted in for the lar dodgems, fairground swing boats for an affordable and fun way of expected of them in this respect. Russians worth £5 each in most bars in of the Man United about a Trinity coast- But as the squeals of jelly- “Manhattan” fell down. If you’re ‘Premiere’ theme, whilst appetites (oh, the bruises) and even classic seeing off the year with a group of Meteorological misfortune aside, their town were a clear, deserved success. Ice- ing on former glories that seems to have wrestlers echoed in the going to rely on crepes, hot dogs and were whetted and blood sugar levels Hollywood films playing in the friends, and you don’t mind not labour of love was an absolute triumph. lined punts were still brimming with been outstripped. One wonders how Pimm’s-heavy air, the ‘Manhattan’ a chocolate fountain (albeit with the A scantily-clad girl serving jelly beans The programme promised raised by bucket-loads of jelly beans auditorium. seeing a champagne-and-truffle- Between a champagne greeting after a beers and Smirnoff Ices by closing time. long the latter can maintain its status as Emma Event was given its moment novelty addition of white chocolate) to guests waiting in the queue was a “enchanting flavours and the sweet - every film star’s favourite snack. Robinson Ball was fairly small in bearing waitress at every corner, walk-through entry before 9.30pm, to Talk this week has compounded last the most sought-after ticket in town. in the disco lights and did a pretty to sustain guests, they’ve got to be taste of things to come at the Bazaar. aromas of the Bazaar”. The pervading The queue moved inside swiftly, size but still felt quite grand and then Robinson could be the ball for still-bountiful supplies by 6am’s year’s whispers of a clear gap developing Michael Derringer & Jon Swaine admirable job of entertaining the both good and readily available. It is Once inside, belly dancers and girls scent of the evening was hairspray, where guests were greeted with jazz well thought-out, with attractions you next year. Survivors’ Photo, there could be few troops. kind of comedic how long it takes to dressed in bra, knickers and sarongs emanating from the hugely popular and champagne as they strolled divided up into several areas both Chris Adams & Rachel Divall substantial complaints. There was luxury There’s been criticism in the past fold a tepid crepe when there’s a moved amongst the crowd: the Bazaar Toni and Guy Essensuals spot in the along the red carpet into a brilliant- at every turn, and smiling guests were of events that are neither “proper” queue of fifty people waiting. was certainly sensual. Parlour. As well as having your hair ly-decorated arena of never allowed to feel less than special. balls nor mash-ups along the lines of Drink, however, flowed freely. It Trinity Hall is not about stunning transformed, henna tattoos and entertainment. Which, surely, is what a May Ball is for. the King’s Affair, but ‘Manhattan’ might have been better to spread out spectacle, it's about having a good time massages were also on offer. The Queues for food and drink,

Probably the Ball’s major success, and JET PHOTOGRAPHIC proved that they can pull it off. the bars a bit more but the provision and the packed-out tents and crowded Parlour was always packed and the although long at first, swiftly short- the one from which all others seemed to Those wandering into the event of ready-mixed drinks and beer rooms were testament to the fact that queuing system became something of ened as guests dispersed to the JET PHOTOGRAPHIC flow, was its achievement of intimacy sheathed in taffeta via the Hogwartsy bottles created a fast turnover at the event remains as popular as ever. a free-for-all. Queues have been a various eateries positioned around and coherence in one of Cambridge’s underground tunnels and past boats Front Court. I don’t think that my Selwyn Jazz’s upbeat tunes set the fixture of Trinity Hall event and whilst the college. The range available was most sprawling colleges. Through bril- full of clinking ice and glass could memories of ‘Manhattan’ will stick tone for the evening in the appropri- guests were snaking their way over impressive, with the traditional hog- liant use of decoration and consistency of momentarily pretend they were at around much longer than the ately-named Rhythm Room which Trinity Hall bridge by 8pm, once roast and barbecue accompanied by quality in each court and across the the most decadent of Cambridge bouncy castle bruises, but then I’m later played host to Andy Cortes, an inside, the wait for food and drink was more unusual ball-fare including Backs, all distances between features balls. not sure Emma Event aimed to 18-year old singer signed up for a six bearable. risotto and lasagne, as well as the seemed to evaporate. Many guests were happy with create anything particularly epic. It’s album deal. There was an eclectic mix “Enchanting flavours” were provid- ever-gratifying chocolate fountain. The theme of Victorian innovation and drum’n’bass and a bouncy castle, not the event to hang your hopes on of music ranging from ‘salsa Afro- ed courtesy of the now ubiquitous ball Drinks were readily available and expansion was a masterstroke, from the and they almost certainly had a if you’re after the night of your life, Cubana’ to one of Cambridge’s and event fodder of pizza, curry and lasted throughout the night, with 20-foot banner of Queen Vic herself, better time. King Kong looked or indeed, the night of your May favourite bands, Sleepwalker. The steak sandwiches: food that was spirits, beers and wines as well as through the fairy-lit miniature Crystal benevolently over the scene in Front Week, but all the ingredients are main attraction was The Automatic, perfect for soaking up the freely-flow- smoothies and the omnipresent Palace to Joanne Moore’s astonishing, Court, but he was one of the only there for a good time at a fair price. making their second May Week ing alcohol, including Downhill Shark (mysteriously only ever avail- graphic novel of a programme. few visible nods to the theme. ‘Manhattan’ didn’t have a much of appearance having played Christ’s the Racers which slid down all too easily, able at May Balls) on standby in The musical Entertainments alone DJ Hype’s energetic set in the bar a life of its own, but it provided an previous evening. providing an effective defence against seemingly copious amounts. were so exciting and numerous as to was what did it for me. Others raved entertaining and beautiful setting to However, Foreign Beggars, winners the decidedly chilly weather. The main stage was packed all night leave a Glastonbury-like tinge of frustra- about The Research’s cute, quirky act out your own personal New York of ‘Best Group” at the Lyric Pad Hip With a relatively low-ticket price with a busy and eclectic tion at the impossibility of seeing and stripped-back ‘screamo-lounge- Minute. Hop awards 2005, were the musical and relaxed atmosphere, Trinity Hall programme, notably up-and- everything. A heaving main stage pop’, which we enjoyed a lot more James Dacre & Amy Goodwin highlight of the evening with a non- event was a chance to ditch the black coming young things Goodbooks patronising set that got everyone tie and inevitable pressure to enjoy an getting the crowd going early in the moving. Shlomo, a ball favourite, event for which you've paid an extor- night, and The Blues Experiment stunned the crowd with beatbox drum tionate sum, and just have fun. playing funky cover versions as the Pembroke Event - Excelsior Downing Spring Ball - Aetheria ‘n’ bass. Rachel Cooper & Ben Jones sun rose and revellers slumped on

We’re gonna make this a knight to substantial bites that would have To proclaim that Cambridge is rather were as much fun as two hacks with merely a nice literalisation of the remember... To the extent that title is graced, say, a Bishop’s palace. cold in March must be up there as a vindictive streak and friends in Aetheria theme, but a truly enjoyable fate you may have been excused for An early lead then to the thematic one of the most superfluous observa- neighbouring cars could hope for. experience to boot. New Hall Event - Shipwrecked Kings Affair - Cirque de la Lune worrying about this year’s Pembroke underdog, and further gains were to tions there is. Yet for ticket-holders of Aetheria, while undoubtedly A Ball is never going to be a Event. Excelsior, we mused on our follow with some straight-down-the- Downing’s 2006 Aetheria, there was impressive, was by no means perfect. humility hotspot. For one night, Over 700 people flocked to attend ered all the essentials, perhaps the best The basic format of super glorified mingle guests must pay extra. In any case, most were way, sounded more like a consultan- line fun in the shape of bouncy no getting around it – the night was The main issue, unfortunately, was it’s about opulence, entertain- the New Hall Garden party on value event of May week. arranged as a bratty ‘fuck you’ to the stultify- powerfully reassured of the brutal economic cy firm than the providers of fun we castles and jousts. The Casino was simply freezing. Such inhospitable the frankly arse-numbing cold. Such ment, and lashings of Suicide Sunday and the event did The music line up consisting of The ing grandeur of the majority of May Week realities of the world outside the college walls sought. Fortunately, however, it tran- overcrowded but very pleasant. A conditions – seemingly at odds with temperatures did go some way to decadence – and the organ- not disappoint. Food and drink Vapour Trail and The Vinyl Washers celebrations was left pretty much unmessed as they were fleeced by the smiling ostrich spired that this most mysterious of seat at one of the tables being unat- the inherently alfresco concept of a impeding upon our enjoyment of isers certainly succeeded was included in the price, was impressive, giving the crowd a fully with for the filthy mashup that was the King’s burger man. As he made off with his loot the themes was really rather black and tainable, we donated our chips to a Ball – pose a challenge to any Spring the outside entertainment and food in providing a Spring though not catering for satisfying afternoon of entertainment. Affair 2006. Where other balls invite you to entertainments continued - ranging from the white: chess. Chess? It worked better stressed-looking gambler and listened Ball organiser, yet Aetheria’s organis- queues, and often led to us actively Ball that will have left hugely differing tastes. For those not simply wishing to sit roam around endlessly in search whatever rampant but always fondly received misogy- than you might imagine, with the instead to the undeniable funk of a ers managed to put together a night shunning the exterior tents in favour all but the most hard- Drink was readily and soak up the atmosphere there was intensely special variety of hot dog, King’s ny of Punch and Judy to the dazzling display exception of truly terrible puns band playing the room. whose attractions were enticing of the indoor attractions, making for to-please revellers available, however plenty to do. Huge beach balls floated plays upon the winning combination of small of the Prometheus Fire Troupe. inlcuding a ‘Knight to remember’. In this end-game it is worth enough to make its attendees forget a somewhat repetitive night. The more than satisfied. alcohol did run out around the crowd and many groups hot rooms and loud, loud music. The affair’s theme meant that despite the The ball's opening moves consisted of mentioning that the night’s music that their body temperature had much-trumpeted LaserQuest turned Carly Farthing & close to the end. All began games on the lawns. The bouncy There was a gamut of excellent dub and ban on black tie people were ultimately able a well-presented Old Court with cham- was a slight disappointment, with sunk dangerously low. out to be a non-starter; removed, Dhara Thakerar in all though, the castle also proved source of much electro, the highlight being Ladytron’s frenet- to dress up in ridiculous clothes after all, and pagne and a giant chess set creating a an over-reliance on DJs from For the most part, attractions and apparently, due to failing safety event proved to amusement both for those partaking ic space-disco that helpfully soundtracked took much advantage of this privilege. At suitable sense of disproportion. Pembroke itself. Nevertheless, entertainment were huddled togeth- checks. The venue with the most be terrific value and spectating. some emotional tongue-wrestling. Meanwhile points it was difficult to distinguish the The garden areas of the College everyone I spoke to was full of er in one large cluster on the lawn potential – the Great Hall – was and deliv- The dress code was eclectic. Girls in the noble King’s tradition of getting wrecked wandering entertainers from the just incredi- were particularly noteworthy in this praise for the efforts of the organis- with the rest located indoors. The lacklustre, with not much to formal dresses rubbed shoulders with and grappling with your own limbs in an bly fashionable but both parties looked regard with some clever lighting and ing committee who should be lights that lit up the lawns and build- offer besides some ill- those in jeans and T-shirts. Others attempt to reach that ever elusive higher resplendent and helped to maintain the deca- setting out of pieces underlining the especially proud of their efforts to ings, however, ensured that the sheer thought-out made an effort and dressed up as vari- plane through the medium of drum and bass dent, non-commitally Victorian atmosphere. fact that Pembroke is particularly well make themselves visible and avail- sense of scale was not lost, and the fairground-style games ous characters to reflect the theme. continued, facilitated by mindblowing sets That said, it was obvious that everyone was endowed in the physical sense. able to party-goers. Excelsior may indoor attractions proved pretty vast that proved unpopular. What really marked this garden party from big names Shy FX and High Contrast. having a fantastic time. The music was The food and drink was also excel- not have been the Gary Kasparov of in themselves. In keeping with the For us, the night’s most out as an unmissable event was not the King’s front lawn, Great Hall and Chetwynd outstanding, the sheer range and volume of lently organised with the various May Week, but it most certainly Aetheria theme, attractions were memorable offering was food or unlimited Pimms but the Court served up an impressive array of vari- entertainments bewildering and impressive pawns of the Committee serving up avoided falling (Nigel) Short. grouped in different planetary zones, the mini- atmosphere which was unmistakably ety performances, as well as the usual meaty and despite the perennial rumours of a welcome range of nibbles and more Laura Allsop & Olaf Henricson-Bell with ‘Venus’ emerging as the Planetarium – New Hall. With the masses of treats and grudging provisions for vegetarians. Hoxtonite hegemony, the atmosphere was favourite chez Varsity. This cosy – and not people covering the lawns, If all this seems like so much pampering, distinctly unpretentious. For sheer fun value blissfully warm – fairy-lighted the event could be maybe it’s time to trot out the usual criticism the King’s Affair is unrivalled. enclave boasted manicures, hair- better described as ‘V levelled at the affair, that in terms of food, Adam Welch & Was Yaqoob styling, and (best of all) truly festival’ meets ‘Party ALEX

wonderful back massages. in the Park’ rather STEARNS On reflection, there seemed to than a typical JET PHOTOGRAPHIC have been veritable piles of every- Cambridge thing, with food staying plentiful garden party. enough for everyone to have dined This event was in paper-plated style at least once unpretentious through the evening. Of fun from start particular note were the to finish. One to moreish Thai curries, remember. decent bangers and mash, and the verita- Ruth Parkinson ble piles of Fairtrade

chocolate. The TOM KINGSLEY dodgems – a stroke of genius of the part of the organisers - 18 Varsity Advertisement 23.06.06

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Graduate Opportunities – Nottingham 23.06.06 Arts Varsity 21 Arts Theatre Music Visual Arts Classical The Marlowe’s Tales from Suicide Sunday’s The What do our finalist A round-up of May Week’s Ovid at Jesus Soul Treat reviewed Architects produce? classical happenings

>>page 23 >>page 25 >>page 22 >>page 24 So what happens next? Are you staying up a little while longer? Or planning to drop in some time over the Long Vacation? Jon Swaine pencils in the most exciting dates to Cambridge’s Summer Arts calendar

The Cambridge Film Festival The Hotbed Theatre Festival The Cambridge Fringe Festival

ere you bored by light is the premiere of he Hotbed New Writing Meanwhile in the romising over 350 events soul”, Solomon Burke (above). Cannes this year? Are Richard Linklater’s A Scanner Theatre Festival is a ten- duologues, Laurence Wilson - spread across 120 venues Fresh from performing for Wyou tired of tacky Darkly, a Philip K. Dick- Tday rejoinder to anyone described as “a brave new Pand 17 days, it is little Pope Benedict XVI, Grammy multi-millionaires competing authored, dark comic vision of who thought new theatre in voice in British theatre” by the surprise that the Cambridge winner and Rock ‘n’ Roll Hall over whose speedboat a future Californian dystopia Cambridge disappeared with Manchester Evening News - pres- Fringe Festival proudly claims of Fame member Burke will be entrance into Venice will in which Keanu Reeves is one us students during the ents Dark Tayle, a dark comedy to have become established as kicking off the festival at the make the most front pages, of many residents hired to spy summer. about parents, old age and the “unofficial warm-up to the Fringe Festival Gardens in while the festival’s films take on his neighbours. Hotbed, like the Cambridge people losing their way. Edinburgh Fringe”. Abington on Friday, July 21. a back seat? Other keenly anticipated Film Festival, runs between Amongst the ‘triologues’, Running between July 21 An exciting new element to If you were, and are, or premieres include the July 6 and July 16. Some of Steve Waters, whose last play and August 6, massive variety the Fringe this year is its even if you just occasionally acclaimed documentaries the UK’s best actors, directors was described as “urgent and is clearly the Fringe’s main mission to involve the nearby enjoy watching Paper Clips, on a and writers will essential viewing” aim. Its organisers “satellite villages interesting films, Tennessee Middle descend on the by the Times, is proudly boast of and towns” in the the Cambridge School class’ city to create and performing operating a policy festival, putting Film Festival is a “ learning about the perform over 20 06/07/05, his new of “no artistic “ on shows in halls must for your Holocaust, and pieces of new “ tale of middle- vetting” which, across the region. Summer diary. KEANU director Allan theatre at the PRESENTING class fear and whilst obviously a IT PROUDLY Clearly, the Celebrating its REEVES IS Sekula’s The Junction. MONOLOGUES, self-loathing. risk, could make BOASTS OF festival offers the 26th summer Lottery of the Sea, a The festival’s But most excit- for some interest- most eclectic, this year, the HIRED TO SPY five-year rumina- focal point is the DUOLOGUES ing seems the ing, innovative HAVING ‘NO potentially festival will be tion on the set of nine short series of work- and highly origi- surprising array unveiling 27 UK ON HIS ‘transnational plays specially AND... shops on July 15, nal shows. ARTISTIC of arts events to premieres, host- NEIGHBOURS moment’ and the commissioned for TRIOLOGUES aiming to develop The Festival is VETTING’ anyone around ing (actually implications of the festival. But the skills of young still inviting the town, while interesting) globalization for this is by no writers keen to applications for also presenting guests from communities. means its full pursue a career in shows to become the opportunity across the film But these are a extent: a series of the theatre. part of its lineup, of actually industry and screening” some mere surface scratch on a vast one-on-one performances,” AWriters’ Roundtable is “welcoming professionals,” becoming involved. major retrospectives, shorts, array of fascinating pictures guest performances, work- followed by a discussion of the semi-professionals and Anyone interested in pluck- fascinating documentaries and set to be shown. shops, staged readings and state of UK writing today, amateurs alike from across ing up the necessary courage children’s films between July Most of the action takes “networking events” are also while one-on-one writers’ the world”. for one of the Fringe’s Open 6 and July 16. place at the Arts Picturehouse promised. surgeries will be running Events in comedy, dance, Nights should check their The opening night’s cinema, whilst other events Tajinder Singh Hayer’s throughout the day. theatre, music and art are website for details. If you are premiere is the double are being held at Cineworld monologue In This House is set Which all sounds potential- promised, ranging from live already putting on a show and Cannes-prizewinning Volver and the Junction on Clifton to be a highlight of the festi- ly useful for any thesps blues bands at the want to make it part of the (above),the tale of a mother’s Way. Check the festival’s val. Following a catastrophic hanging around into July and “Cambridge International Cambridge Fringe Festival, spirit returning to her home website for announcements earthquake, a woman lies looking for a career headstart Bike Fest Party Weekend” on email your details to town to resolve her life’s and listings. trapped under the ruins of her on their home-bound peers. August 5 and August 6 to [email protected]. unfinished business, directed house. She reflects on those acclaimed “sharp and bitchy” by Pedro Almodovar and star- she has loved and wonders comedian Jo Caulfield. ring Penelope Cruz. whether she will ever see the But most hotly anticipated of Another set to be a high- www.cambridgefilmfestival.org.uk outside world again. www.hotbedfestival.co.uk all is the gig by “king of rock ‘n’ www.camfringe.com 22 Varsity Arts 23.06.06 Building something out of nothing Ever wondered what the work our architects produce actually looks like? 18 months after saving their department was from closure, this year’s finalists display their stunning projects at the Guildhall next week. Meg Charnley dicusses a year of blood, sweat and Stanley knives

rawling bleary eyed and of a 1960s multi-storey car park into booze-bruised from their beds, a high density housing scheme. Cthis week Cambridge’s archi- The students’ responses to the briefs tecture students have been are highly original – in some cases exchanging ball gowns and cham- completely crazy – yet so well consid- pagne glasses for overalls and claw ered that even the most extreme design hammers to undertake the annual solutions are proved completely plau- slog of exhibition preparations. sible. Drive-thru art gallery, anyone? While the rest of Cambridge’s Last year the architecture students undergraduate population sleeps off saved the department from closure in the Mayweek hangover, the architects, the most significant and successful wielding electric jigsaws and automat- student protest of recent years. It also ic drills, will be setting off to design and featured some bloody awful chanti- construct ambitious displays of their ng: ‘say “ooh”, say “ay”, year’s work with the manic expression architecture’s here to stay’ (we are, of the sleep- deprived and power tool evidently, designers, not poets). trigger-happy. This year, we’re proud to be perse- As the Architecture and History of vering with an exhibition that once Art Departments prepare for major seemed unlikely ever to materialise. building works, the studios have been As the only creative subject in emptied and the students squeezed Cambridge concerned with the visual out. This summer the construction of arts, architecture is essential in a new building in the garden of Scroop supporting art and design through- Terrace to accommodate more under- out the university. graduates will begin, while the existing This year’s exhibition promises to building will be renovated to receive be an interactive insight to why the the architectural research department discipline is so important in the currently housed in the Martin Centre. Cambridge curriculum. Despite fears that an alternative It will also prove why the Cambridge venue would not be found in time to school of Architecture has just been host the annual exhibition of student voted the best in the UK in the work, which is traditionally held in the Guardian’s annual poll (again), what it Department, the event has been relo- is the architecture students do with cated to the Guildhall at the last minute. (Clockwise from top left):That camping trip, work by Hikaru Nissanke, Jack Berk, various, George Rhys Jones & Mies van der Rohe their time, and perhaps most moving- Challenges of transportation and ly of all, why they’re always buying space restrictions have therefore pinned to the walls, promise some This years work ranges from the yellow spray paint. added to the usual trauma of arrang- interesting solutions. A massive micro to the macro, from the practi- ing an exhibition during the whirl of projector, literally wallpapered with “SINISTER GOINGS-ON cal to the preposterous. The Architecture exhibition runs on Satur- May Week social engagements and drawings, will cast images of the first Studio briefs included tent design, day and Sunday at the Guildhall. To general post exam languor. year’s projects onto the walls of the INVOLVING HELIUM built on a budget and then inhabited download a catalogue of the work on Furthermore, the scale of the exhi- building, a skyscraper has been trans- on an unfortunately damp camping display, visit: bition is necessarily curtailed this year, formed into an oversized table, and BALLOONS AND trip (lace is not, it turns out, as the whole department is confined to there are dark rumours of sinister LOTS OF STRING completely watertight), a school one room, yet the size restrictions, and goings on involving helium balloons extension cum urban masterplan (!), the incredible rule that nothing is to be and lots of string. ” and more prosaically, the conversion http://tinyurl.com/zkkrs Two days to change the world The King ##### Kirsty Dootson tells all about the Cinecam 48-hour Film Festival

llegitimate or abandoned chil- ing his mother, Elvis sets out on dren seeking their parents is a a collision course with the Itried and tested plot formula Sandows, sleeping with Malerie which is rarely successful. and setting in motion events Despite any hopeful beginnings, which pull the stability of family o you thought your (12 noon Friday June 18th – 12 and has retained that tranquil, typical student spoof into a well these films descend into saccha- life from beneath their feet. weekend was hardcore? noon Sunday June 16th). domestic feeling as furniture produced and thoroughly rine sentimentality. It would have been easy to SDid you don your chinos While one would expect and ornaments mingle with entertaining short. But while The King has this simply crank up the menace, and sip champagne in the these confines to produce banal fine art. Still makes a refreshing One team truly partook of basic premise, it remains dark taking The King from engaging sunshine, bathe in Jelly at a and poorly produced work, in change from the stuffy and the guerrilla spirit managing to and deeply unsettling,rooted in thriller to gory horror flick. But garden party or maybe just get fact past 48 hour films have impersonal environment of smuggle a camera and an the classic American thriller and this temptation is avoided. a little sun burnt during a gone on to win the annual typical museums. unsavoury amount of dead in theatrical tragedy. The film constantly produc- debauched Sunday afternoon Cinecam Film festival (with a The theme can be interpret- meat into the University It opens with Elvis (Gael ing questions to grapple with: is bacchanal? That is not hard- place at the Brighton Film ed as loosely as teams wish and Library while two other teams Garcia Bernal) being discharged Elvis a damaged child, or a core. school as their reward). while every film this year oddly both used the theme as from the Navy. Before the dangerous drifter, intent on This past weekend hardcore Certainly there is always room predictably featured a door key, an opportunity to indulge in opening credits have finished, destruction? Is his father took on a new meaning in the for improvement in the 48 each developed the theme surreal (and comic) dance he has bought a car, had sex concerned only with reputa- shape of twenty students forgo- hour films, but the challenge is beyond its most obvious mean- routines complete with small with a prostitute and traveled to tion, or a reformed Christian, ing garden parties, punts, pimms not to create a masterpiece but ing. One team used the theme dogs and cowboy outfits. The Texas. Once there he sets out to dealing with past sins? and most painfully – sleep, in simply to create something in to explore our use of material films will be screened tonight at find his father, the ballast in his Bernal proves he can portray order to write, shoot and edit a order to learn how to (and objects as a means of valuing 7.30pm in [Friday 23rd June] new aimless life. complex and challenging char- five minute short film for the often how not to) make a film. and interpreting experiences, Robinson Brickhouse theatre Now a Reverend, David acters with subtlety and Cinecam 48 Hour Guerrilla Film Many participants have never door keys literally ‘unlocking’ (entry free for Cinecam Sandow is the epitome of magnetism, whilst Pell James making challenge. As in the past, used cameras, editing equip- memories of the possibilities members) where the best film Christian righteousness. God (Malerie) is a revelation; at once the Challenge was a resounding ment or written scripts before, which they once connoted. will be awarded prizes from our has rewarded him with a faith- fragile and defiant, virginal yet success with five teams success- and the time limit forces them Team ‘What would Nima do’ kind sponsors Vue, the Arts ful flock , a beautiful house and radiating teenage desire. The fully completing their entries to leave behind excuses and played a cantabrigian pun stag- Picture house and Future- wife and two obedient children: King is an incisive film, beauti- (but three failing to do so). The simply get down to actually ing a mock war between Caius shorts. This year's Cinecam Paul, destined for Bible College, fully executed, which questions rules of the challenge stated that making films. and Kings College sparked by sponsored film - one of the and Malerie. religious conviction, family rela- teams had to create a film no Henry Moore, Barbara the theft of the key to the gate most controversial and chal- The return of his son makes tionships and how far the longer than five minutes, around Hepworth and Ben Nicholson of honour. An impressive use of lenging of the past few years, Sandow nervous; he warns notion of Christian forgiveness the theme of ‘Keys’ to be among others. Was formerly CGI and a staggering amount of will also be screened for the first Elvis off. Driven by a desire to can be stretched. completed in exactly 48 hours home of Jim and Helen Ede extras took the film beyond a time on Friday. see his father pay for abandon- Rachael Boston 23.06.06 Arts Varsity 23 Tall tales to tell & treasure LINFORD JOHN Hermione Buckland-Hoby sees the Marlowe Society’s Tales From Ovid at Jesus College

and the emphasis remained very much on seeing, rather than hearing; so many stories and so many metamorphos- BUCKLAND-HOBY ing characters is the production’s strength, but also meant following plots HERMIONE isn’t audience priority. The main attraction comes in watching the metamor- phoses in action; such a huge cast allows physical theatre to function, for once, effec- tively. The formation of Narcissus’ pool, the flowing and cleansing of various rivers and the transformation of Philomela and Procne into flying birds are imaginatively, and sometimes spectacularly realized by using the entire Stay out of the kitchen cast – at times the audience almost cooed with delight. Ellie Simons & Chris Adams get Too Darn Hot Physical story-telling also featured literally as Arachne oo Darn Hot saw the CU It was the big, glitzy chance to shine in some way. (Clementine Briance) and Musical Theatre ensemble numbers that were The orchestra was Minerva (Phoebe Dickerson) TSociety’s regular ‘Songs most enthusiastically extremely impressive under wove tapestries from the from the Shows’ events received, with crowd- the careful eyes of Musical characters on stage. At this blown up to a huge scale in pleasers like ‘Sit Down, Directors Richard Bates and point it didn’t matter that the the Corn Exchange for one You’re Rocking the Boat’, Chris Mundy, whilst Sarah strings became entangled: it night only, with a full from Guys and Dolls - enthu- Brocklehurst and Simon was an easily overlooked orchestra accompanying siastically led by James Evans provided hyper-cheesy malfunction for the pleasure twenty glammed-up Smoker - gaining positively inter-tune banter worthy of of the scene’s dynamism. performers for a concert of thrilled gasps of excitement any Eurovision host. The picnicking audience musical theatre show tunes when they were announced. While the chaos and too- he vast expanse of Jesus’ cast approached from the two enjoyed horror as well as spanning the last century, Other impressively darn-hot heat of May Week Chapel Court as a corners behind the audience humour - the rape of and featuring a mixture of polished numbers included a continued outside, it was Tsetting, and an epic and, later, the arrival of a furi- Philomela, compellingly acted solos, duets and big compa- breathtaking ‘Ballad of refreshing to step inside and twenty-four-strong cast are ous, bellowing Juno (Tess by Amy Gwilliam, was partic- ny numbers. Sweeney Todd’ and a beauti- relax with a tour of musical fitting attributes of Jeff James’ Banham) from far behind, ularly powerful. CUMTS was brave to break ful rendition of ‘Sunday’ theatre hits played out on production of Tales from Ovid, which saw audience members This blend of the comic and away from the May Week from Sunday in the Park with the big stage in a production whose overall sense was one jumping to move their cava the tragic, always spectacular tradition of outdoor, hastily- George. Solos and duets were as impressive as any visiting of spectacle on a grand scale. bottles out of the way. (and helped by exquisite prepared garden shows for led by a small section of the professional companies The size of the court was A declamatory Jupiter (Ed costumes by Lucy Minyo) this full-scale musical extrav- cast, all of whom were might offer. effectively exploited through Pulford) prepared us to made for a wonderfully aganza – but the risk extremely impressive. The CUMTS class of 2006 both a powerful, pageant- witness “how bodies are unconventional pre- certainly paid off, with a It was a shame more of the is certainly a talented one, style beginning, as the entire changed into other bodies”, Mayweek show. packed house filled with a cast were not given their and it seems certain we will mixed town & gown crowd own solos, but with plenty of be seeing some of them soon in a simply-staged but enjoy- ensemble pieces on show, on stages even bigger than able night of entertainment. everyone was given the the Corn Exchange. I wanna be like you-ou-ou Jessica Holland watches The Jungle Book Nice as (custard) pie

he ADC’s 2006 May as most of the large cast spent energy what she lacked in Matilda James reviews Footlights’ Niceties

Week production, a the entire play on set and in subtlety as an impish Mowgli, TOM

Tretelling of Rudyard character, draped over scaf- and Osh Jones was Keith KINGSLEY iously (and a little terrifyingly) Kipling’s The Jungle Book, folding, twining around poles, Richards-esque as a stoned true – Helen Cripps’ WormGirl promised Lynchean sexual sleeping under benches or monkey turned rock-star, viciously takes down the fantasia and dirty urban grit. cawing mournfully from singing ‘I want to be like you- ‘casual observer’ and his Although changes were perches (with huge, curly wigs ou-ou’ in a Pete Doherty ‘bigoted opinion’ that The Lion, made and certain ambiguities and panda eyes). drawl. The Witch & the Wardrobe is C.S. were hinted at, what we got While a few of the main cast Although at an hour long Lewis’ best work. God forbid. was a reassuringly straightfor- members were set on a ‘posh the story seemed slightly Other highlights are the ward version, ‘Bare and camp’ default switch, rushed, and a helicopter dron- cameo appearance of Tom Necessities’ and all, that was props go out to Lucy Buzzoni ing directly overhead mid-way Cruise and his alter ego visually splendid enough to be as the writhingly lascivious through the production Sebastian the white handker- well worth the ticket price snake Kaa trying to have sex drowned out some of the chief, who loves Katie Holmes without being pulse-racing with everyone (I think, dialogue (although it did add “as a joke” only to be hexed by enough to disturb your after- although how you’d have sex some unintended ‘Nam glam- Angelina Jolie, or Joe Thomas noon hangover as you laze with a snake beats me) and our), The Jungle Book is what a as the expat Prime Minister under the leaf-filtered June especially to Daniel Martin as May Week show should be: trying to escape the cold and sky in Emma’s pretty much a loveably rumpled, raggedy, all-singing, all-dancing, silly the rain and the whinging Eden-like gardens. Cockney Baloo; part-Fagin, and fun. With lots of puns through rigging elections from There was plenty to engage part-Jamie Oliver. Susanna about monkeys. the Costa del Sol. those short of attention span, Atherall made up for in The lack of narrative some- times allows scenes to meander off, post-punchline, into vagary – the Think Tank which just can’t think is a great imon Bird tells us that strange no-man's-land of Deep scene, but better without smiling is for the parlour, Mid Wicket; to a place where blankness being blamed on Scoronations and Easter a Taste the Difference sand- alcohol as it is in the final line. morning before 6am. So the wich can rightly be a fitting But there is a lot of strong ADC is playing a dangerous punishment for murder. material here, and it can only game allowing smiling, even To a Cambridge audience get slicker and funnier as the laughter with the Footlights' familiar with the actors and show slims down to fit the tour show this week. their styles, Niceties works like hour slots at the Fringe and on But if they’re going to break one of the better Smokers. tour. a rule, they may as well break One where all the sketches are As it is, Niceties is an impres- it properly - and they do. funny. The best moments here sive showcase for the original There are a lot of laughs. It is are those which set up a clear wit and extraordinary imagi- very funny. story, one which we know we nations of five confident Welcome to a world where recognise but not how the performers who will, no inuits write their wills as a Footlights’ tell it. So the blog doubt, impress in Edinburgh distasteful hobby; to the on a Narnia fansite rings hilar- and beyond. 23.06.06 Arts Varsity 24 Classic Midsummer Madness James Drinkwater sees two fine May Week concerts: CUOS’s Venus & Adonis and la Dirindina

ambridge May Week is not of clever paradoxes. Firstly, there is the known for groundbreaking irony of playing a character, the menda- Cconcerts. Perhaps it’s just that cious Dirindina herself, who in her humid indoor rehearsals and the mark- singing lesson is barely able to complete ing-up of dog-eared scores are not the her scales, but whose ‘speaking’ voice most sociable of summer activities, But is declaimed with the most refined last Saturday’s offering of the Opera melodic wit. Society (CUOS) of semi-staged operat- Then there is the conflict of internal ic interludes by John Blow and dramatic perception: the singing Domenico Scarlatti showed you can teacher, Don Carissimo, is unable to create a seasonable May Week musical distinguish between acting and ‘reality’ programme, not unduly demanding of as he eavesdrops upon Dirindina out-Triposed performers, which is still incompetently rehearsing the self- distinctive and inventive. immolation of Dido with her For this, full credit must go to the partner-in-jest, Liscione, played here by director, Clare Pike, with her musical- a male soprano. ly-sensitive and imaginative realization “ “A MUSICALLY IN SHORT, A WELL- SENSITIVE AND REHEARSED, IMAGINATIVE DYNAMIC AND REALISATION OF VISUALLY- TWO VERY APPEALING DIFFERENT PIECES ”PERFORMANCE ” In the context of a generic parody, as of the two very different pieces. The this was, the pseudo-castrato Calvin first was the Blow masque for the court Wells actually worked very well – the of Charles II, a very loose adaptation of comed enchanced by the fact that his the Ovidian Venus and Adonis meta- words were rarey intelligibly articulat- morphosis (no anemones in sight). This ed by his voice straining in a falsetto opened with the gently-flowing chore- reaching top A. ography of Arcadiblow_cover.jpgan As Carissimo, John Syfret could have shepherds and shepherdesses, repre- been a little more hypocritically offi- sentative of the way in which the cious as a singing teacher desperately audience’s attention was untiringly clinging to his talentless pupil only for stimulated – by dress, gesture, expres- (L to r):Cassandra Extavour, Chris Law and Lila Palmer in Venus & Adonis and Suzana Ograjensek and Calvin Wells in la Dirindina her affections. sion and use of space. Although the But it was Suzana Ograjensek as chorus singing was never pristine, of the physical shapeliness of the musi- Adonis was itself nicely judged – was always very clean. In short, a well- Dirindina who really flourished – shab- every performer was dramatically cal lines as she sported with the swains always gently submissive to the ideal- rehearsed, dynamic and bily-costumed, she best displayed that engaged – the band of jigging hunters and her minor cupids. Cassandra ism of mythical erotic love, sidestepping visually-appealing performance. precise art of utterly humiliating men enticing Adonis to ‘follow the noblest Extavour, ever-noble in her portrayal of the potential absurdity of mortal- La Dirindina, a little farce, may at first which farce requires. game’ particularly colourful. Venus, took best to the pathos of the goddess relations. Musically, there have seemed very slight as a post-inter- With well-judged poetic license in The casting of the three principals chromatic disjunctions of Blow’s could have been a little more interplay val attraction. Musically, it is no Blow, the translation, this was a delight was likewise excellent. As Cupid, Lila highly-charged writing for her reactions between continuo and singers (often and the plot is a trifling as could be from start to finish, and we departed Palmer confidently commanded the when Adonis has entered, mortally the singer playfully imitates the motifs imagined for cast of three singers. most thoroughly teased, squeezed breadth of the stage, with a good sense wounded in Act Three. Chris Law’s of the spinet) – but the two-part singing But the whole stands upon a couple and pleased! Swotting up for a cruel summer Thank You For Smoking ##### Ling Low suggests some holiday reading with a twist

ut down the Da Vinci SEASIDE RESORT leads to sexual encounters Code. Walk away from Liven up conversation over ice- which disenfranchise both Pthe airport WHSmith. creams on the pier by asking and make the roadtrip feel Here is a selection of fairly the pensioners if they’ve read like the longest ever written. obvious classics for holiday Brighton Rock. Graham Once you’ve appreciated reading that will (hopefully) Greene’s 1930s noir fiction Nabokov’s masterful handling provide some rapid disen- features mobsters, bottles of of ennui, you’ll be able to chantment from your vitriol, and a sweet girl called start puzzling out the little surroundings this summer, Rose. The novel is an insight enigmas which riddle the whatever they are. into the mind of vicious gang- novel. Perfect if your own went along to Jason moral dilemma. Nayler likeably leader Pinky, suspected of a roadtrip is starting to drag. Reitman’s latest expecting a smiles his way through public POOLSIDE murder which has him trapped IMichael Moore style institu- abuse, assaults with nicotine When Chuck Palahniuk’s short in a string of seedy machina- tion-buster: a damning patches and a trashing by an story Guts was released, there tions in the underside of the indictment of something big, investigative journalist. And were suggestions that it was the resort town. You’ll start seeing bad and corporate. But this is bizarrely comes out of the film most disgusting piece of fiction things in between the tourists. exactly the kind of preconcep- as almost admirable. ever written. But don’t be tion that Thank You For Smoking Children with cancer, political misled. When it comes to style, ROADTRIP plays on so cleverly. As the film corruption and baby seals at least, Palahniuk’s writing is Lolita, by Vladimir Nabokov, follows Nick Nayler, ‘Big (briefly) get bandied around as one of the cleanest around. is already beloved by many- Tobacco’s PR man, through his so many balls in the PR game. Palahniuk, the cult favourite see cinematic auteur Stanley winding arguments and various The jokes elicited as many gasps who penned Fight Club, cuts his Kubrick’s for one fan’s partic- promotional campaigns for as laughs. It’s good to see a cele- sentences with clarity, originali- Flies. This gripping tale tells ularly idiosyncratic cigarettes, it becomes increas- bration of unscrupulous ty and is visceral in a way which of what happens to a group intepretation. Nevertheless, ingly difficult to make firm truth-massaging, as opposed to feels new. Guts features in his of upper class British school- Nabokov’s classic is still worth moral judgments. the usual (fairly hypocritical) collection Haunted. Just how boys when they are stranded dragging out for further Nayler, spokesman for the bashing that the media hands swimming pools come into this on an island and left to their adulation. In prose that reads fictional Institute for Tobacco out to PR men. – you’ll find out. own devices. William like poetry, we follow Studies, defends his employers’ A perverse take on the stan- Golding’s classic work of Humbert Humbert, cultured carcinogenic products against dard Erin Brockovich-style tale BEACH fiction is a chilling page- European paedophile, and his doctors, cancer patients, anti- where the little guy with a cause If you’re lucky enough to be turner with political ideas. It obsession with his landlady’s smoking terrorists, a takes down amoral big business, on a deserted tropical beach certainly beats trying to re- young daughter. When cheese-loving Senator, and his Thank You For Smoking is honest, this summer, make sure enact bits of Lost on your Humbert and Lolita go on the own son. His dialogues with his hilarious and different. you’ve packed Lord of the own... run, the drive across America son clearly set up the film’s Anna Leach 23.06.06 Arts Varsity 25 Sunday’s treats HILL EDWARD for the Soul Jon Swaine works through the rooms at Simon Calder’s The Soul Treat, Sunday’s student music extravaganza at the Soul Tree O SW JON on the Dancefloor’ went down as well as

AINE those songs from his own, delicate oeuvre. A similar reworking of the Killers’ ‘Mr. Brightside’ greeted those making their way down to the Main Stage for Soul Tree Urban Talent Contest winner Arjun Coomaraswamy. Accompanied by a terrif- ic, beat-boxing partner and combining funk, soul and Spanish guitar as effectively as Craig David did before he started thinking he was R. Kelly, Arjun is a real talent. Which is more than could be said for the No Bookworms dreadful Free Love and the Good Plant, by far the evening’s lowest point. The nine- What’s it like to be hotly tipped by NME, piece stoner hodgepodge managed to signed to Columbia Records and head- combine the horrors of the Cranberries, the Levellers and Evanescence into one long, line at your college’s May Ball? Was drawn out, didgeridoo-backed set. Songs Yaqoob asks Leo von Bülow-Quirk of like ‘Law is law’ carried a distinct whiff of Glastonbury’s Green Fields site, somewhere Robinson College and GoodBooks far more likely to contain enough drugs to make music like this bearable. GoodBooks are: Max Cooke, out on tour straight away? No such problems upstairs, though, as vocals and guitar; Chris Porter , Well we’re playing Wireless Matilda and Tim of Elephant Juice offered vocals and bass; JP Duncan, festival on Sunday, then we’ll be their usual tapestry of sweet harmony and keyboards and Leo von Bülow- knuckling down for July to acoustic guitar to make for perpendicular Quirk on drums. record an album with Columbia neck-hairs all-round. They have consistent- - so a bigger tour will have to ly shown that theirs is a chemistry that What was it like to play your wait till the Autumn. deserves to continue beyond graduation. own ball in your last year? They should have been taking notes from Well, great, but also slightly And what influences will Simon Mastrantone, founder of Songs in strange, being on home ground. you be bringing to the Jeremy Warmsley headlining the Soul Treat. His new single is released on July 10 the Dark and another alumnus with a Er, but actually not that strange. album? record contract to wield upon his return to (all shout, some angrily) LOADS uicide Sunday’s Soul Treat marked the her away from Queens’ last year. But whilst town. Mastrantone’s wiry frame shook as he Presumably you haven’t - terrible question. XTC, Talking completion of Varsity cartoonist Simon her MySpace presents a set of songs prov- barked out his intriguing, quirky pop reper- dumped the pleasures of Heads, Pulp, Hot Chip, the SCalder’s extraordinary three-part cele- ing the interest well-founded, tonight there toire to an enthusiastic Penthouse audience. May Week in favour of Beatles (groans- implicit lack of bration of student music. The sheer scale of seemed something lacking. Beanland will Great things should be expected of his first sweaty practice rooms? cool), Pink Floyd, S-Club 7. the event was stunning - Calder presented probably face plenty more off nights like full-length album. Well I’ve had a bit of both really, around 50 acts across three stages for 10 these along her path to stardom, but an abil- As they can be of Churchill graduate, as soon as I finished last week I How would you describe hours, statistics testament to his mission ity to work through them combined with Transgressive Records signing and tonight’s had to go home and rehearse, your ‘sound’- assuming you statement of “proving wrong those who say her obvious natural talent will see her soar. headliner Jeremy Warmsley, who confi- then play at Robinson ball, and feel comfortable doing so? there is no Cambridge music scene.” Led by recent Pembroke graduate Joe dently proved himself worthy of all his now playing in London. And do you want to inspire Clearly, there is. But the question is, is it Swarbrick, glam-tinged indie dandies hype. An innovative set, including a great dancing, or pondering? any good? Tonight’s answer was over- Borderville were one of the night’s most reworked version of single ‘I Believe in the Has it been like a double life Well we want people to groove whelmingly affirmative. Early Main Stage pleasant surprises, having been (perhaps Way You Move’ provided an affecting yet for the past six months, as (groans, again) - oh god did I say highlights were sometime-vegan Pembroke surprisingly) more lacklustre in their debut eminently danceable blend of overdriven you got some media inter- that? Well we want people to sit pop-punks Los Bandidos, who manage gig at Calder’s Cambonanza earlier this term. guitar and effects-laden keyboards. est? and listen, but occasionally that rarest of skills - combining interesting Having (literally) blooded himself in the Warmsley has something different to offer, Yeah it was a bit - doing my move - I don’t feel sure about novelty with actually being good. Real hugely successful band from the Edinburgh- and that’s why he is doing so well. degree and rehearsing - both describing us as dance or prog - success is surely theirs for the taking as they wowing show Hedwig and the Angry Inch, As Monday dawned, some terrific DJ sets badly. The guys have been really it’s a bit rigid embark on a Spanish tour later this year. Swarbrick was one of tonight’s best front- from tri-generational student club-night patient, basically waiting for me Meanwhile in the Penthouse, Queens’ men, casually spitting suburban laments grandees Ronojoy Dam, Ned Beauman to finish my degree (Leo does Any last words for the Mary Bowers of Her Daddy Is A Guru over tight, driving instrumentation. and Jackson Boxer gave the crowds a Classics). people? cemented her reputation as one of A quick dash to the Penthouse offered fitting send-off. This jubilant end was a No, but edit out JP, he once Cambridge’s best songwriters. Hers are a some crowd-pleasing sing-alongs from testament to student talent in the town, and But now you get to tour? called himself the ‘cool one’ and worthy addition to Songs In The Dark’s Hamfatter, whose energetic double-bassist to Simon Calder’s efforts in squeezing it all Well its not quite a tour, we he’s wearing his mum’s tradition of simple tunes with a twist. The graduand James Traer will leave several under one roof. A great day. won’t be straying outside the sunglasses. labels of her predecessors will surely be keen Cambridge bands seeking replacements comfort zone of the South. to snap her up her once the degree is done. come October, followed by Irish troubador Not that Molly Beanland waited that Dan Terrins, whose acoustic soul cover of Presumably you’re heading long; a deal with Island was enough to lure the Arctic Monkeys’ ‘I Bet You Look Good www.tentspresent.co.uk www.myspace.com/goodbooks

PJ Harvey Thom Yorke Hot Chip Please Leave Quietly (DVD) ##### The Eraser ##### The Warning #####

way she sings (part sex dropped somewhat by 2003’s of those gorgeous crossover panther, part mournful wraith, rest-of-band compromise Hail Balearic club hits we used to part dictator addressing her To The Thief, these nine tracks get every summer, while troops) isn’t the way she talks are ‘proper songs’ nonetheless. ‘Colour’ is a sweet, wistful (more Dorset milkmaid). For Throughout, warm pianos thing, mourning “I'm every- once, the real Polly Jean! Sigh. mix deliciously with laptop- thing a girl could need/there's That’s in the brief behind- sliced beats and occasional nothing in this heart but me”. the-scenes interludes, which noodling guitars, while vocals As proved on Tuesday, ‘Over capture, as PJ herself puts it, tend more towards obtuse and Over’ is their populist the “ramshackleness, the refrains than developed verses. triumph. Its distorted bassline brokenness, the changeability” Still, Yorke easily manages to and nerdy sex chat do make for of touring. Most of the rest of describe how pissed off he a near-irritating beery romp, It could never happen. We is cut together from several gigs Followers of Radiohead’s remains. ‘Harrowdown Hill’ Suckers for the cutely rubbish but it does the trick. It might know that. PJ Harvey could on 2004’s Uh Huh Her tour. Thom Yorke could be forgiven reflects on David Kelly’s suicide couplet, John’s Ball headliners yet be matched by ‘No Fit have a meaningful romance Unfortunately the footage, for feeling deja vu on reading after the government’s 2003 Hot Chip aptly open The Warn- State,’ whose New Order synth with Truth or Beauty or directed by long-time collabo- some of his recent comments. Dodgy Dossier scandal, while ing with ‘Careful’s clumsy stabs combine surprisingly well Eternity or Death (or Nick rator Marie Mochnacz, is often Hugely successful album is the “lapdog” in ‘Skip Divided’ “Every year, exactly this time of with a bass that somehow can’t Cave), but not with a mere murky, and the sixteen songs followed by sell-out world tour, might just be PM-pointed. year”. Repeated over some help but recall the Spice Girls. mortal, lovelorn indie boy. To never stray too far from the is followed by “everything But his politics stop short of Squarepusher-like beats and A downside is the sad us, she must remain a mystery. album versions, although you messing up” and nearly causing rendering his music crass. This sampled kung fu shouts, the absence of co-vocalist Joe But to every mystery, there do get two decent new ones. a break-up. Is this 1999 again? is an intriguing set of great track perfectly sets the tone for Goddard, whose walrus-like are clues – and this DVD is full If you want to pretend that The Eraser suggests a differ- ideas, and essential if you’re this second set of middle-class drawl was usefully deployed of them. Look, there she is, you went to a PJ Harvey gig, ence. Yorke has allowed frustrated by those still urging white boy squashy funk. against Alexis Taylor’s reedy drunk on tequila; or making a this DVD is no good. But if you himself an outlet for experi- Yorke to make like it’s 1994 While the Prince enthusiasm semi-raps in Coming on Strong. dirty joke about “muffed-up want to pretend to yourself mentation, a pressure valve and write another guitar solo. of 2003’s Coming on Strong But it’s good stuff, and, with plucking”; or getting the giggles that you met her backstage easing tension around sessions If, however, you find your- hasn’t quite departed them, luck, will rightly establish Hot for no apparent reason during afterwards and made her your for the band’s seventh album. self amongst this latter group, there is less goofiness and more Chip as one of the best, most a performance of ‘Down By bride, this DVD is a start. Picking up the bleepy, steer well clear. sophistication here. Single ‘Boy enjoyable pop groups around. The Water’; or proving that the Ned Beauman Yorkean thread of 1999’s Kid A Jon Swaine From School’ sounds like one Jon Swaine 26 Varsity Lifestyle 23.06.06 PISTACHIO MACAROONS from class

The macaroon is a biscuit with a dubious reputation. Nora Hellmer deceived her husband for them in A Doll’s House, while Bingo Little’s entire reputation seems threatened by his sudden passion for them in “Jeeves in the Springtime”. They even killed Mrs Overall in “Acorn Antiques”. For it is a sweet whose pleasure is intensely private. The subtle crunch remains unheard, the silky filling untouched except by the silent feaster. They are treats for naughty children, sneaky, sweet and frivolous, hidden under library desks, enjoyed entirely alone. That said, these pistachio macaroons have produced some of the most extraordinary noises that I’ve ever heard from enraptured eaters.

For the macaroons: For the buttercream:

125g icing sugar 250g icing sugar 75g pistachios 55g pistachios 2 egg whites 125g very soft unsalted butter 25g caster sugar

Preheat the oven to 180°C (gas mark 4, 170°C fan oven). You will also need 2 lined baking sheets. Grind together the pistachios and icing sugar in a food processor until they are reduced to a fine powder (don’t worry if you have some small chunks). Whisk the egg whites until they form drooping peaks, then add the caster sugar and continue whisking until they are really stiff. Gently add them to the powdered nuts and sugar, then transfer the mixture to a piping bag fitted with a 1cm nozzle. I prefer to use disposable plastic piping bags which come with the point of the cone still intact, leaving you free to cut it off after you have filled the bag, as the mixture is quite runny. Pipe one inch rounds onto the baking sheets: there should be enough to make about 40 biscuits (20 macaroons). Let them settle for around 10 minutes, and then bake for 10-12 minutes until they are set (but not too crisp). Leave them to cool on their baking sheets. To make the filling, grind half the icing sugar and the nuts as before, and start to cream the remaining icing sugar and the butter togeth- er. Once the nutty powder is ready, add it to the mixture and continue creaming to form a smooth paste. When they are cool, carefully remove each biscuit from the baking sheets, and sandwich them together with the buttercream. Don’t eat them all at once… Helena Culliney

Cruising the runway

The Spring 2007 cruise collections this past month in New York presented a woman in movement. She travelled from Paris and Italy (in the cases of Chanel, Dior and Gucci), but she remained easygoing, grounded (in either wedges or flats) and confident. The point of the cruise collections (essentially the mid-season stock) is usual- ly to make wearable clothes that bridge the gap between seasons thematically and commercially. The New York shows really reigned in some difficult high fashion trends into the arena of very ‘real’ clothes. Volume, utilitarian details, shorter lengths for eveningwear and the banishment of the stiletto no longer seemed like an abstract fashion trend. Chanel Lagerfeld showed his collection in Grand Central Station (re-enforcing the idea of the woman on the go). In gladiatorial sandals, seemingly carelessly cut jeans and knee-length skirt suits, the Chanel women are not stopping for anything outside their very particular easy-chic schedule. A more sophisticated and thought- ful alternative to the flip-flop (that was deemed by so many to be appropriate footwear for balls this year – Dior which it wasn’t), the knee-high sandals looked modern and stepped on just the right side of a very harsh kind of beauty. Lighter looser evening looks were knee length and shrouded with various cardigans and shirts for the more sensible dresser. Dior After the blood-stained French revolution inspired show for Winter, Galliano came to New York quiet- ly but importantly, replacing the red paint with gold leaf that slithered down slinky dresses. Galliano’s most important statement lay in the tougher leather coats he matched with his eveningwear. Women want to stay warm at events like May Balls and perhaps they should look to more casual jackets to enhance the delicate quality of their eveningwear and shun those damsel-in-distress-meets-granny shawls. Gucci At Gucci, Frida Giannini was inspired by the French Riviera which meant a hint of ocean blue floral prints and floaty dresses, but employed in a much more laid-back way than Giannini’s chintzier 1940s tea time efforts that are so right for this summer. Toting their lives around in large bags, the Gucci girls wore Chanel dresses that did not declare ‘day’ or ‘night’ but tried to break down dress codes with versatile dresses that wear- ers should feel confident enough to define for themselves. Oscar De La Renta De La Renta anticipated the hype surrounding Sophia Coppola’s upcoming film on Marie Antoinette. And whereas there were a few anachronisms, De La Renta made the most important statement of the week with his knee length ball gowns. With cardigans, pockets and sturdy wedges in almost every look, De La Renta had his mind set not on Rococo silliness, but utilitarian details that would appeal to anyone with a soft but rational sensibility. Full length gowns seem as irrelevant now as mini-dresses did in Victorian times and it’s the women who embrace the present mood (as opposed to the present trend or dress code) that will seem timeless in years to come. De La Renta knows he needs a feminine edge and cleverly incorporates it into fashion’s new no- frills agenda. The cruise collections show that more fun-loving houses, such as Gucci and Oscar De La Renta, are learning to adjust to the more sombre mood with clear elegant visions. The ‘dolce vita’ ateliers are justifying their light spring frivolity with practical easygoing cuts and details, finding a balance between the strive for beauty and not ignoring the more solemn undertones demanded and dictated in today’s warrior society. benj ohad seidler

Oscar De La Renta Gucci

breezy Whether lying in with the windows open or clutching your laptop as Siobhan wears dresses by Reiss, shoes model’ you ride the Orient Express, DVDs will be Jon wears suit and shirt by Reiss, umbrella by Austin Reed, sunglasses by T Marc Jacobs released three shown this summer on a new easygoing unisex small screen near you. Photographed by Miguel Santa Clara, Modeled by Jon Lopez and Siobhan Kelly fragrances perfect for summer Catch up on the classics evenings. Grass, Rain and before they drown in Cotton recall the designer’s cinematic history - Ken childhood memories of the hot Russell’s Oscar winning months and the pockets of Women in Love will When traveling, be sure to pick up some divine cool we find while errupt that fiery summer china from a junk shop in Wales, an ex votos diptych from Mexico or a screen printed poster from Cuba, discovering the world outside Romance boiling inside folk art is bound to add a colourful zing to your room when the winter months loom. Don’ Cambridge. you. by tourist traps and ask to see back rooms for treasures that may seem meaningless to their vendors. And don’t be too ‘I’ll recreate my gap year’ about it, try to make the art look right in its western setting. 23.06.06 Lifestyle Varsity 27 ssroom to boardroom cambridge Liaisons

I love May Week, and late nights, and even the self-indulgence of day-long hangovers. However, I have never made it to a Wyverns Garden Party on Suicide Sunday, which is pretty poor show for a Magdalenite. In the first year, an extreme hangover and late night kept me away. In second year, a friend’s 21st and traffic on the M25 was the culprit. This year, to top it all off, I have had to celebrate my exams from the discomfort of my sickbed, after post-exam illness set in. If you had told me that I would have been spending days in bed during May Week, I would have hoped it would have been for a different reason… However, now it strikes me that my ill- fated Suicide Sunday may have been a blessing in disguise. Watching my friends catapult from one party to another, becoming more hung-over and exhausted after each one as I am sure I would have done, has taught me some valuable Cambridge lessons to share with you all, albeit that they come too late for me. Firstly, always be late to a party and leave early. A few hours at Trinity Ball, supported by friends, flat Coke and painkillers, were more magical and rewarding than could have been imagined. If you keep your time short, every- thing and everyone is still new and exciting, and you can leave on a high. Whether you spend your time dancing with friends, drinking your- self into a stupor or having an illicit liaison in some dark corner, keep it short and sweet. In the words of Kurt Cobain, “its better to burn out than fade away”. In addition, if you stay out of the limelight for a while, people notice that you are not there, and it is always nice be missed. You should see this as an extended form of playing hard to get, without even trying, especially if you have a current romantic target in sight. If people don’t know the reason for your absence, they may presume you have far better things to do, like go on an exotic holiday, or bring relief to pover- ty-stricken orphans in Africa, or save the world from an evil villain in the guise of your super- hero alter-ego. Lastly, always take time to chill out and watch the world go by. Cambridge is a electric place, and often life seems to be a constant eight-week cycle of sleep-eat-work-sport-alcohol (but don’t knock it ‘til you’ve tried it). Take a time-out once in a while just to centre yourself. Catch up on current events (Grace has been evicted from Big Brother and Britney is having marriage trou- bles), lose yourself in a classic novel (Doestoevsky’s Crime and Punishment is always a mood-enhancer) or catch up with friends (or ‘Friends’, if that fails). Remember, all you young, beautiful things, that if you don’t take care of yourself, nobody else will. Self-love is the one type of love that can never be unrequited. So next year, take a day off in May Week. Your social life will thank you in the long term. And more importantly, you will always look good in the photographs! Jenny stocks

sweaty (not in a good way) s, shoes model’s own Top hats don’t even look good on a Monopoly board, let alone eiss, umbrella by Austin Reed, sunglasses by Topshop worn for the most elegant evening of you life. A lesser a Clara, Modeled by Jon Lopez and Siobhan Kelly, Styled by Kaz Leslie and Claire Jamieson paper may promote adopting vintage styles but why not start fresh? Cambridge balls (through the ages apparently as they seemingly were unmissable in some folk art. Whether it’s an antique biscuit tin or piece of chipped ancient Greece) should be an n ex votos diptych from Mexico or a screen printed poster from Cuba, arena for modernity and l zing to your room when the winter months loom. Don’t be fooled progression. ck rooms for treasures that may seem meaningless to their vendors. ap year’ about it, try to make the art look right in its western setting. 28 Varsity Box Ads & Opportunities 23.06.06

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Please email your C.V to [email protected] or post it to Rupert Syme, Blythe Hall, 100 Blythe Road, London, W14 0HB. Interviews will be held in London during August and September. 30 Varsity Sport 23.06.06 Aufgeht’s Deutschland: The beautiful game A tale of efficiency and expectation - Adam Bracey on The World Cup so far... COURTESY You may ask why a feature stadia all befit the magnitude on the World Cup has any of this tournament; the place or relevance in a Germans have footballing OF CAMBRIDGE EVENING NEWS Cambridge student newspa- cathedrals to the south, with per, and you’d be quite right Bayern Munich’s new to do so. This year’s tourna- Allianz Arena in Bavaria, to ment in Germany doesn't, the west, Borussia unless I’m much mistaken, Dortmund’s Westfalen and feature any of the current the Arena auf Schalke in the Blues team. Though their Ruhr region, to the east with victory over Oxford was the Olympiastadion, and in heroic in its way, the World the north; Hamburg's AOL Cup Finals is best left to the Arena. Everything has gone professionals. Think according to plan so far, but Riquelme, think Ronaldinho, we didn't expect anything think Gerrard. Mugan, else. As for their football Threlfall and Dankis will be team, Klinsmann’s Germany enthralled onlookers, like the have reached the last 16 rest of us. Perhaps the only comfortably. The ususal justification I can offer is the brand of teutonic power play scene at Parker's Piece for has not been sacrificed, but England's opening group the Germans owe most to game against Paraguay. players who might have Thousands were there to played in different national watch the match on the big colours: Miroslav Klose, who screen. It was the same in declined the chance to play every major city up and for Poland, has scored four down the country. The goals already; Oliver prospect of England's foot- Neuville, born in ballers (more of whom later) Switzerland, scored the late Crowds gather on Parker’s Piece to watch England’s opener with Paraguay on the big screen provided by the BBC playing in a World Cup group goal against the Poles which fixture creates an excitement ensured German progression Holland did not travel to the performances have been great examples of team play. optimism, but perhaps that is equal to, if not greater than, to the knockout phase. Far East. Portugal, France ponderous and slightly No-one is talking about just as well. There is still the 2003 Rugby World Cup Although they remain and Argentina did not make flabby, rather like their Ronaldinho and Adriano, time for one or two Final and the final hours of unfancied, and, inevitably the last 16, and Spain and centre-forward, but expect except in tones of disap- Englishmen to be elevated to the Ashes. Football is the unpopular, German claims Italy made early exits to them to improve. To their pointment. Riquelme, Tevez, sainthood. country's sporting fixation; on the World Cup are far South Korea. The tourna- pain, they have so far been Saviola and Sorin, that pirat- The world’s biggest tour- the World Cup the game's more plausible now than ment and its viewers were eclipsed by the brilliance of ical figure on the nament demands the world’s greatest festival. Plus, it's three weeks ago. The hosts undoubtedly the losers by their deadly rivals Argentina, Argentinian left, have most exciting players. We May week and there really may go far. their failings. This time, only whose performance against enthralled us. And England? will all get to see more of isn't much sport going on at Perhaps the most pleasing the French appear in serious ‘S & M’ marked them as Few in the national set-up, Torres, Deco, Messi, Robben, the moment. aspect of this tournament danger of not progressing, as tournament favourites. The least of all the coach, have Totti, Kaka in later rounds, It seems only fair to begin has been the safe passage of their team of geriatrics 24-pass move that ended in enhanced their reputations. with the stakes even higher. with the hosts, our dear so many of the world’s labours in the tournament’s a goal by Esteban Cambiasso Three turgid performances The prospect is mouth- friends the Germans. The biggest names. In 2002, easiest group. Brazil’s two may go down as one of the have not engendered much watering. Don’t burst the bubble! About to enter the real world? Don’t panic!

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Send a cheque for £17 to cover p&p, payable to ‘Varsity Publications Ltd’ to Varsity, 11-12 Trumpington Street, Cambridge CB2 1QA 23.06.06 Sport Varsity 31 Cambridge subjected to a Lashing Tendulkar shines as Cambridge get set for the Varsity match

LASHINGS XI

342/5 (40 Overs) bt JONES BEN CAMBRIDGE 238/9 (40 Overs) by 104 runs Varsity’s big Big Brother Alex Nash Catch-up Cambridge lost to Lashings World XI by 104 runs on t’s that time of year again when Wednesday, but played well the TV show specifically and prospects for the Varsity Idesigned to interrupt revision match coming up on July 1 schedules is back. But because look good. you've all been beavering away for It is undoubtedly the most the first few weeks of this televisu- popular game in the Cambridge al wonder, we thought you might University cricket fixture list, appreciate a catch-up. Read in a and the exhibition put on by Geordie accent for full effect. Lashings on Wednesday was an Day 1 - and the housemates excellent indication of just why enter. There's Lea, who has the game attracts thousands Britain’s biggest breast implants. each year. The ground was Pete, who has Tourette’s buzzing several hours in Syndrome (“he says ‘wanker’ at advance, with cricket fans of all the end of each sentence” giggles ages milling contentedly Sachin Tendulkar dispatches yet another boundary for Lashings on his way to 155 runs from 199 balls our gurning host Davina). Dawn is around a blustery but beautiful an ‘exercise scientist'’ an occupa- Fenners. Much of the pre-game brought to mind a homoerotic Chris Cairns who decided that Tatenda Taibu and Chris Cairns Agarkar to all parts on his way tion I didn’t even know existed but excitement centered around incarnation of the Chuckle ones and twos were a waste of putting on 100 in around eight to an accomplished 80. In fact, am intrigued to know more about. the inclusion of Sachin Brothers. Their cricketing time, dealing in sixes to every overs, with Cairns reaching his the Cambridge batsmen batted Richard is a bald Canadian ‘sexual Tendulkar, apparently playing expertise also bore comparison corner of the ground. All the hundred of Savill who eventu- excellently all the way down terrorist’. George is a bit posh. to regain some kind of match to the children’s TV stars. while Tendulkar casually ally dismissed Taibu caught by with Bartholemew getting Glynn is an 18-year old Welsh life- fitness. In keeping with tradi- Opening the innings amassed a sublime 155 from a Jacklin. Lashings finally ended thirty-six and Matt Austin a guard. Nikki and Grace are blonde tion, Lashings batted first, and Tendulkar and Richardson mere 119 balls, playing every on 342 for 5 with Cairns classy fifty. 342 was, girls that don’t wear a lot. There this news was received with looked solid, despite Blues shot in the book while unbeaten on 112, bringing to inevitably, always going to be are a few more. You get the idea. delight by the crowd. Perhaps it captain Tom Savill getting the Cambridge could only watch an end the longest fielding a tall order, but the batsmen Tensions rise when Shahbaz is just me, but there seems to ball to fizz around Tendulkar’s the little master and listen to session in the Blues cricket used the game as valuable goes a bit psychotic and hides be an element of pre arranged nose in his first over. Lashings the commentators’ sycophan- calendar. experience and were both everybody’s food. Shahbaz cries a sado-masochism to Lashings’ progressed to fifty without tic, childlike drivel. When he Cambridge’s response was mature and professional. The lot in the diary room. Big Brother matches - a sense of resignation alarm when Kemp got one was finally dismissed by Ben an extremely encouraging one statistics will show that asks Shahbaz to leave the house. almost - and despite Cambridge through Richardson’s aged Jacklin, everyone at the in the run up to Varsity; Lashings won by just over a The Sun reveals that Shahbaz is digging out five wickets there forward defensive, shattering ground was aware that his Massey and Bartholemew hundred runs - and the crowd mentally unstable. was never any feeling that they the captain’s furniture in innings was an extremely fine looked composed at the will talk about Cairns and The housemates get enraged were in the hunt. emphatic style. one. However, doubts crease, adding 42 against Tendulkar. But those who by Dawn’s body odour. Much As a team, Lashings come Greg Blewett looked the surrounding his match fitness Courtney Walsh and Chris realise that nobody is really whispering and giggling. Big across like the Harlem least comfortable of the celes- will persist and Cambridge Lewis until Massey was supposed to beat Lashings, and Brother discovers Dawn has a Globetrotters of cricket, execut- tial batting contingent, making manfully chipped away at the bowled by first change Ajit focus on Cambridge’s all- secret code (not involving sweat) ing outlandish strokes all seventeen before he was batsman right to the death and Agarkar. Freddie Owen came round performance, will have to the outside world – frankly the around the ground, much to bowled by Celliers, bringing did themselves proud, despite in at three looking confident seen that there are signs of a most intelligent action to occur in the near-orgasmic delight of Phil Simmons to the crease. He moments of sloppiness. and aggressive in equal meas- good team peaking at the right the house since BB1’s Nasty Nick their travelling commentators, was dismissed by Celliers for Lashings were brutal towards ure, dispatching the likes of time for the game that really smuggled in a contraband pencil. whose persistently inane banter two, heralding the arrival of the end of their innings, Tendulkar, Hayward and matters. She gets kicked out. Bonnie is

evicted. Oh yes - Bonnie was c Mathmo (c) really dull and didn’t do a lot. You 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 Across Down didn’t miss much. Posh George 8 9 1. It’s tedious to make Eastern 2. Void I fed one into to be invali- Scribble pad also leaves because he realises string in tune (13) dated (9) ‘he doesn’t want to be famous’. 10 11 10. What the dark side think of the 3. He prophesied human destruc- Add your own witty response to light? (9) tion (5) that one. 11. Command for headless, 4. Came in as reed net failed (7) Two new housemates enter – confused Leftie (5) 5. Receding waters swept Debbie hurrah! Meet Sam, a cross-dress- 12 13 12. Hatred sparked when I’m away with Tim’s head (7) ing sensitive Scottish bloke and mixed with duo (5) 6. Bride’s possessions philoso- Aisleyne, who’s a blonde girl who 13. Replace article with interest pher put on tabletop (9) doesn’t wear a lot. Someone compounded (9) 7. Sounds like she’s a low point accuses Lea of ‘bullshitting’ or 14 15 16 17 14. Was last partner Edward? (7) (5) ‘backstabbing’ or some such 16. Gull in meadow, confused and 8. Mad to no longer be a rolling action. It might have been Lisa, unending (7) stone (13) but Sam gets the blame. Lea kicks 18 19 20 18. Compensation regarding robe 9. Unique place in blearier off. Her distressing breasts heave (7) surroundings (13) worryingly in the fit of rage that 20. Corrosive accountants is cut 15. Run to the East - simplifies follows. Lisa kicks off. Sam weeps. out (7) to that (9) Sam gets evicted. 21 22 23 21. Donkey faced queen; old king 17. Well-known that common- Excitement allegedly sweeps grabbed it for the pot! (9) sense with nothing added the nation as BB hides Wonka- 23. Main supply-line for a golden subdues lively riot (9) style golden tickets in Kit Kats. army? (5) The sentence: ten weeks in the 24 25 19. Ate quickly whilst mocked (7) 24. Nell looks back to the east to 20. Smoke of revolutionary origin house. Well, maybe. If you pass see her (5) (7) the psychological test and you’re 25. Fools trot foolishly at pouffe (9) 22. Make voles do puzzle (5) entertaining enough. And prefer- 26 26. Second rites in French 23. Sounds like our lad’s fire-rais- ably blonde. The winner is Suzie, displayed obscurity (13) ing (5) who actually bought her golden ticket off eBay for £4000. Suzie is Re-arrange the letters by the ‘golden housemate’ and has rotating the discs to to wear gold all the time and live create six separate six- Sudoku 5 4 in a gold room. Ingenious. HT letter words leading in to Housemates bitch about her a bit. the centre. Medium 4 6 9 7 I think they’re jealous of the gold- Email your answer to: 9 4 1 8 ness. Grace is evicted. She [email protected] throws water at Suzie. Much

PEENUD OETC © Adam Edelshain 1 8 9 booing from the crowd, who wait

EOAP

E S S UNE I Q 8 1 outside and jeer in the style of a OUX T RDKK M I public hanging on a weekly basis. 2 7 1 The show ends and Grace The object is to insert the presumably joins previous numbers in the boxes to satisfy only one condition: 5 8 7 6 evictees in intensive therapy.

UT each row, column and 3x3 3 4 7 There you go, all caught up. Go box must contain the digits and watch. Give up your life. You 1 through 9 exactly once. 7 6 5 know you want to. ©2006 Daily Sudoku Features Travel May Balls Arts Lifestyle

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We meet the founders of 82ASK Look no further for inspiration Glitz, glamour and rain... The alternative Suicide Sunday From classroom to boardroom << Page 9 << Page 11 << Pages 16 & 17 << Page 25 << Pages 26 & 27 Caius make it five in a row Pembroke crew burn boat as Women crowned head of the river EMOEBCLN-OYJTPHOTOGRAPHIC BUCKLAND-HOBY/JET HERMIONE

RHIAN JONES PEMBROKE WOMEN’S BOAT CLUB

IN CAMBRIDGE, the arrival of summer is inevitably accompanied by exams, revision and hours of endless procrastination in the library, but for rowers it also brings dreams of glory in May Bumps. For Pembroke Women’s 1st VIII, starting second on the river, our aim of gaining the Headship was clear, but only achievable with real commitment from the whole crew. A weekly training schedule of six water outings, two ergs, circuits and weights whilst still trying to make lectures, supervisions and revision was testing, but the lure of Headship was more than enough to maintain our drive and focus throughout the term. The first day of Bumps is always slightly surreal as you realise that the event you have worked towards all term has finally arrived. The tension and adrenaline are frankly addictive, even though I never feel that way at the time! It was essential to demon- strate our strength by a convincing bump on Jesus on the first day, but the respect demanded by the quality crews around us meant that we knew it would be by no means easy or straight- forward. In the event, that bump was the most exhilarating three minutes of rowing I have ever experienced, and the relief felt afterwards was immense. The tension of the following three days due to the need for strong performanc- Left: Pembroke celebrate gaining the Women’s headship by burning a boat in college; Right: Caius on their way to rowing over to hold the headship es in the row-overs made the whole experience draining, but at the same up to race were Jesus, but starting a rise of 9 places. Cauis III, Selwyn Selwyn managed to squeeze past time I didn’t want the week to end in tenth place, they couldn’t possi- III and Jesus IV all got blades with the two boats but First and Third because of the fun our crew was Caius men retain bly catch Caius in such a impressive performances on each weren’t as lucky as the Downing having in rowing so well together. headship for fifth year competitive division. St of the four days. boat drifted into their path and However, it was inevitable that Catharine’s, tipped to do well, did In the Women’s first division, one of the crew was thrown back- Saturday would arrive, and as we not disappoint; they moved up Jesus were caught by a blues- wards into the Cam. A re-row was crossed the finish line and rowed our from fourth to second. LMBC, stacked Pembroke on the first day. ordered as a result which saw victory lap in front of the crowds, I Olivia Day despite hitting Grassy Corner on They went on to successfully row Selwyn bumped by First and Third, swelled with pride. Parading the boat two consecutive days, dropped over on the next three days, to who went on to bump Christ’s and through town to college and then CAIUS ONCE again proved domi- only one place to end in third. finish head of the river. Jesus were Magdalene. Christ’s never recov- burning it in front of so many people nant at this year’s May Bumps, While the bumps charts show more worried by Emmanuel ered from what was a terrible first was one of the more surreal things I keeping LMBC and St Catharine’s that no crew in the first division behind them, who were overlap- day and will be getting spoons for have done but will no doubt remain at bay to row over on all four days achieved blades, they do highlight ping them half way through day their trouble, joining New Hall one of my most enduring Cambridge and finish head of the river in the the dramatic fall from grace of three, than about catching a who also dropped out of Division memories. Men’s first division for the fifth Trinity Hall, Robinson and Pembroke crew that created a 1 at the same time. In being able to add to and ultimate- consecutive year. They have now Magdalene, all of whom received healthy lead on Thursday, Friday Once again no crews in the first ly complete the work of previous held the ‘Double Headship’, for the spoons for their efforts. Only and Saturday. Emmanuel and division achieved blades, although crews from the past few years, this Lent and May bumps, for the last Pembroke II received blades in the Caius rowed over on all four days Trinity Hall and Downing both year’s Headship crew feels a great five years. top three divisions, illustrating the to remain third and fourth respec- showed form by going up three sense of achievement. This term’s With their supremacy over hugely competitive nature of the tively. places. Jesus II bumped on each of rowing has never been anything less neighbouring crews in little doubt, races over the four days. Lower down in the first division, the four days and now sit second than fantastic fun, and to become they never had to push too hard to Other notable performances Christ’s caught a nasty crab on the in Division 2. LMBC II also Head of the River 2006 is something keep the boats following them at include the dramatic rise of Corpus first day, and Downing boarded the impressed to win blades, along that I will always be incredibly proud bay. The only boat that had II who managed to climb from 2nd Christ’s boat, though thankfully with Queens II, Corpus, Darwin II, of. Bring on next year! matched them for pace in the build in division 5 to 10th in Division 4, no-one was hurt. Churchill and Newnham III and Jesus IV.

7 9 3 Back in Sept Hitori 4 4 4 5 7 2 6 Kakuro     Sudoku Easy Medium   Medium 3 4 3 2 6 5 3 7   Varsity will Fill the grid so that  8 6 2 3 6 7 4 2 4 1 each run of squares return in Shade in the adds up to the total in 7 3 1 9 5 squares so that no the box above or to the  Michaelmas. To number occurs more 3 7 3 2 6 6 5 left. Use only numbers 5 4 7 6 8 3 than once per row 1-9, and never use a  1 9 5 7 6 be involved or column. Shaded 5 1 3 7 1 6 2 number more than squares may not be once per run (a number     The object is to insert the  3 7 1 with the issue, horizontally or 7 2 5 3 1 6 2 may reoccur in the numbers in the boxes to vertically adjacent. same row in a separate satisfy only one condition: 7 Unshaded squares run).   each row, column and 3x3 see page 15 << must form a single 5 6 4 4 7 1 4 Solution and solving aids box must contain the digits continuous area. at www.dokakuro.com 1 through 9 exactly once. 6 3 9 ©2006 Gareth Moore ©2006 Gareth Moore ©2006 Daily Sudoku