SILVER NEMESIS By Kevin Clarke Mysterious Theatre 337 – Show 200801 Revision 6 By the usual suspects Transcription by Robert Warnock and Steven W Hill With additional work by Scott Alan Woodard

DUN DE DUN

GALAXY

GRAPE NUTS

A BLUE BALL OF TARDIS Oh no, the TARDIS is caught in a time bubble!

FACE His face is silver, he must be the silver nemesis. No, he's the Tin Man. GOOFY CARTOON LOGO Doctor Who - the cartoon! ‗SILVER NEMESIS‘ Doctor Who - the refreshing soft drink!

BY KEVIN CLARKE (Part one) Oh crap, this is more than one part?

A JEEP PULLS UP OUTSIDE OF A VILLA, AND (A-Team theme) THREE GUYS GET OUT.

A CAPTION READS, ‗SOUTH AMERICA, 22nd (Before caption) Where are we? When is this? NOVEMBER, 1988‘. (After caption) OK. Thanks.

THE JEEP DRIVES OFF.

INSIDE, THE CAMERA PANS ACROSS A TABLE THAT‘S COVERED IN WHAT APPEAR TO BE NAZI ARTIFACTS. Because Germans ONLY listen to Wagner.

WAGNER (WHAT ELSE?) PLAYS IN THE BACKGROUND. Kill the wabbit, kill the wabbit!

THE CAMERA STOPS ON KARL, WHO IS SITTING IN Doktor Jones? FRONT OF A BBC HOME COMPUTER, TYPING. That's like three words per minute. THE MONITOR READS ―LANDING LOCATION- WINDSOR-GRID REF 74W 32N-NOVEMBER 23 1988‖ THE MESSAGE FLASHES ON AND OFF SEVERAL I hate Illinois Nazis. TIMES, MAKING A BLEEPING SOUND.

OUTSIDE, DE FLORES STANDS ON A BALCONY NEXT TO A VICTROLA... A PARROT SQUAWKS.

WE SEE THE PARROT ON A BRANCH. You again! I'll teach you to steal my Froot Loops!

DE FLORES PICKS UP A HUGE BOW AND AIMS FOR THE POOR BIRD. The validium booooow! Not yet, not yet! WE SEE THE PARROT ON THE BRANCH AGAIN. Sorry.

Page 1 PHEW! KARL Herr De Flores. Herr De Flores.

DE FLORES LOOKS MAD. He's got too much hair growing out of his ears.

KARL WALKS UP PAST SOME PALM TREES.

KARL Wonderful news. The new Wagner recordings have arrived from Amazon.

THEY BOTH GO INDOORS THROUGH SEPARATE DOORS.

CAPTION, ‗WINDSOR, ENGLAND, 1638.‘ When things were rotten. LADY PEINFORTE. WITH RICHARD BY HER SIDE HAS A SMALLER BOW AND ARROW.

SHE LETS THE ARROW FLY. Boioioioioing.

IT LANDS NEAR SOME PIGEONS. Just like shooting pigeons on the ground. SHE TOO LOOKS MAD.

RICHARD Very good, my lady.

SHE WALKS AWAY.

INSIDE, A KETTLE BOILS ON A FIRE. NEARBY, A 'cuz soup is good food. BALDING MATHEMATICIAN MUMBLES TO Poker? I hardly knew her! HIMSELF.

MATHEMATICIAN Then go to—oh, yes. Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Shakespeare's past his prime.

LADY PEINFORTE WALKS DOWN A HALLWAY, WITH RICHARD FOLLOWING BEHIND. THEY ENTER THE ROOM WHERE THE MATHEMATICIAN IS WORKING.

LADY PEINFORTE How much longer?

RICHARD How come he's wearing a raccoon? He cannot hear you, my lady. Shall I…?

LADY PEINFORTE Leave him. I‘ll have time enough to punish his impertinence when he‘s finished. (whiny) But I wanted to do it NOOWWW!

LADY PEINFORTE AND RICHARD MOVE AWAY FROM THE TABLE.

LADY PEINFORTE GOES TO THE FIREPLACE, AND PICKS UP AN ARROW, HANDING IT TO RICHARD.

Page 2

LADY PEINFORTE Put these with the others.

RICHARD HESITATES.

LADY PEINFORTE Are you so feeble? The poison cannot harm unless the arrow‘s tip should break the skin. Let who will steal my (break the skin) Like THIS! gold.

RICHARD TAKES THE ARROW.

RICHARD And the silver arrow, my lady? Second place.

LADY PEINFORTE Leave that to me.

SHE PICKS UP THE AFOREMENTIONED ARROW

LADY PEINFORTE Are you sure the potion is well mixed? Shaken, not stirred.

RICHARD On my life, ma‘am. I guarantee it. Don't call me "ma'am" on the bridge.

LADY PEINFORTE Good. We await but the calculation. Perhaps the fee will speed matters Don't count it until we're gone. (Music cue) You are the weakest link, goodbye. BACK AT DE FLORES‘ HUMBLE ABODE.

DE FLORES WALKS INTO A ROOM WHERE A MAID IS SERVING SOME GUYS IN ARMY FATIGUES It's the Boys From Brazil. DRINKS. No, it's Brasil '66.

DE FLORES Gentlemen, I wonder if even you can fully appreciate what And that must be Sergio Mendes. this moment means. We are standing now at the turning point of history. The day of fulfillment of our mighty Gentlemen, do you like Wagner too? destiny is about to dawn. Fifty years ago I stood at the side of the Fuhrer himself when he order the first giant step to Now, let us hum. (Ride of the Valkyries) greatness. Just as now the moment approaches for the second and final one. It will be decisive, but his time... Hey, some of those guys aren't blonde! This time we must not fail.

DE FLORES REACHES OVER AND TAKES THE Ah, Zima. GLASS THAT THE MAID IS OFFERING HIM. More Kool-Aid please! OH YEAAAAAAAH! DE FLORES Gentlemen, I give you the Fourth Reich!

GUYS The Fourth Reich. Three, sir!

Page 3 THEY RAISE THEIR GLASSES, DRINK, AND THEN L‘chaim! SET THEM ON THE TABLE.

KARL Herr De Flores, the aircraft is ready.

DE FLORES We leave at once.

HE WALKS OVER TO A GLASS DISPLAY CASE.

THE ―ARMY‖ GUYS EXIT.

HE TAKES THE VALIDIUM BOW FROM THE CASE, Ooh he has one of the rare Hasbro "My First Compound" AND WALKS OUT WITH IT. KARL FOLLOWS. bow and arrow sets! There, finally! The validium boooooowwwwwwww! THEY WALK SOME MORE, AND KARL PICKS UP A METAL CASE.

HE CARRIES THE CASE OVER TO DE FLORES, AND It doesn't fit! SETS IT ON THE TABLE. DE FLORES PUTS THE Just jam it in there. BOW IN THE CASE AND KARL CLOSES IT. (closes case) Ow!

WE SEE AN ASTEROID WITH A JET MOVING Meat. Farting rock? THROUGH SPACE. Mmmmm. Flying cookie. Num-num-num-num-num. Too many plotlines! A FACE CAN BE SEEN PEERING OUT OF A TRANSLUCENT OPENING ON THE TOP OF IT.

BACK AT LADY PEINFORTE‗S

RICHARD My lady, there is but the final ingredient for the liquid (final ingredient) Rich chocolaty ovaltine? wanting. For that I was thinking…

MATHEMATICIAN My lady. Lady Peinforte, I‘ve finished. (Peinforte) where aaaaaare yoooooou?

LADY PEINFORTE You have the answer?

MATHEMATICIAN Yes, my lady. 42. 337. LADY PEINFORTE Quickly, then. Tell me! (stage whisper) That man is wearing a doilie. MATHEMATICIAN The comet, Nemesis, will circle the heavens once every 25 years.

LADY PEINFORTE It takes just THREE licks to get to the center of a tootsie Yes. roll pop.

MATHEMATICIAN

Page 4 I-It‘s trajectory however is decaying. This means… Yes, Chatterton, er, Chesterton. Hmmm?

LADY PEINFORTE When will it land?

MATHEMATICIAN Uh, i-i-i-it will circle ever closer, until finally it once again strikes the earth at the point from which it originally departed. In the meadow outside. Great! Now tell me where the WMDs are.

LADY PEINFORTE When!

MATHEMATICIAN When? Oh, yes. Yes of course, when. On the twenty-third He doesn't think it unusual that this comet departed from day of November, in the year of our lord nineteen hundred the meadow outside? and eighty-eight. (old guy voice) I even took into account the calendar DISSOLVE TO THE SHOT OF THE CAMERA change in the future. RAMMED UP THE BELL OF COURTNEY PINE‘S SAXAMAPHONE.

THE QUARTET INDULGES IN SOME HORRIBLE JAZZ NOODLING-THINGY WHILE THE CAMERA PANS ACROSS A BUNCH OF PEOPLE SITTING AT TACKY PICNIC TABLES WITH UMBRELLAS.

IT FINALLY STOPS ON THE DOCTOR AND ACE, WHO ARE SITTING AT A TABLE SANS UMBRELLA.

ACE I could listen to them all after noon. Whereas I've already had enough.

DOCTOR And so we shall.

ACE PICKS UP A COPY OF THE DAILY MIRROR WITH THE HEADLINE, ‗METEOR APPROACHES ENGLAND‘. Subtle. Very subtle. Not. ACE Have you seen this? Charlton‘s picked up three points.

DOCTOR This is my favourite kind of jazz, straight blowing. Whatever you say, Doc.

A BLEEPY SOUND IS HEARD. THE DOCTOR FUMBLES FOR HIS FOB WATCH.

ACE Oh no, not the fob watch! I hate people whose alarms go off during gigs.

DOCTOR Je-thu-yes... S-s-s-o a reminder.

Page 5 ACE Go on then. Even he thinks digital watches are a pretty neat idea. DOCTOR Well, obviously at this precise moment to remind us to remind us to change course for another destination.

ACE Where‘s that?

DOCTOR I‘ve forgotten. Oh, we‘ll have to go back and find out.

ACE Oh, Professor.

THE DOCTOR GROANS, AND THEY GET UP TO LEAVE, JUST AS THE NOODLING STOPS. THE CROWD APPLAUDS.

ACE WALKS UP TO COURTNEY.

ACE Excuse me, would you mind signing my tape? You gotta love a band that signs their bootlegs. COURTNEY No, not at all.

ACE Thanks very much.

COURTNEY Thank you.

HE BEGINS SOME GROOVY SNAPPING AS ACE ALL (Snap fingers) WALKS AWAY.

DOCTOR Don‘t you find it embarrassing asking for autographs?

ACE Not as embarrassing as forgetting what you set your alarm for. Oooh, BURN!

DOCTOR Well, I probably arranged it centuries ago. Can‘t be important.

AS THEY WALK OFF, THE END OF A SILVER GUN POINTS AT THEM FROM BEHIND A TREE.

SOME BULLETS FLY OUT.

ACE Doctor!

Page 6 DOCTOR Get down! Or run! Your pick!

THEY DIVE FOR COVER, HIDING NEAR A TINY TREE.

ACE Who are they?

DOCTOR I didn‘t see. Quick, the Tardis!

SOME MORE BULLETS FLY. Why do they aim at their feet?

THEY RUN ACROSS A BRIDGE AS SPARKS FLY, AND THEN DIVE INTO THE WATER.

TWO GUYS WITH HEADPHONES WALK ONTO THE It's Dan Murphy and Dan Murphy! BRIDGE AND LOOK INTO THE WATER. THEY SMILE AND THEN LEAVE. We are not Devo.

RUSHING WATER. THE DOCTOR AND ACE EVENTUALLY FLOAT PAST.

ACE I hope my tape‘s all right.

THEY EVENTUALLY GET OUT OF THE STREAM (IT TAKES A BIT OF TIME) AND THE DOCTOR SPITS OUT SOME WATER. Ha ha. That was the money shot. Now we know he doesn't swallow. DOCTOR And Ace obviously does. Welcome home.

ACE PULLS A FACE.

BACK AT LADY PEINFORTE‘S.

MATHEMATICIAN I shall build a flying machine. Hee, hee. Imagine that, my lady, human beings flying about like birds.

LADY PEINFORTE Bring the cups of potion. We leave at once.

RICHARD The final ingredient, my lady? Human blood? (my lady) Ancient Chinese secret.

MATHEMATICIAN "I'd love to change the world, but I don't know what to Why, I can change the world. Huh-hee-hee-hoo! do." I'd like to buy the world a Coke. HE GIGGLES LIKE A SCHOOL GIRL.

LADY PEINFORTE Ah, yes.

Page 7 BACK IN 1988, ACE PLAY‘S WITH BART SIMPSON‘S SLING SHOT. Ph-twang! Ph-twaaang!

DOCTOR Ace?!

ACE Yes?

DOCTOR Duck.

SHE DUCKS.

A DUCK WALKS OUT FROM BEHIND THE TARDIS. Chelveston! AND THE DOCTOR STICKS HIS HEAD OUT. Aflac.

DOCTOR No, duck. He's so daffy.

THEY BOTH LAUGH.

ACE Oh great, now I can play my tape. They DID have CDs in 1988, you know.

DOCTOR I‘m afraid not.

ACE Why not, it‘s my tape deck? You built it for me.

DOCTOR Yes, I know I built it for you. To replace the one that was destroyed by the Daleks, but-- The Daleks were really pissed when the 8-track was replaced by cassettes. And don't get me started about their ACE hatred for VHS. So? It‘s my tapedeck, and I want to play this.

DOCTOR This is more than just a tapedeck, and besides there‘s more to worry about than listening to your tape.

ACE Yeah. (PAUSE) So, who were they anyway? Who‘d want to kill us?

DOCTOR I‘m afraid there‘s an infinite number of possibilities, but what concerns me more is my alarm. I‘ve got to find out What concerns ME is how fast they dried off. where we‘re supposed to be.

ACE Can‘t you remember anything, Doctor? Nope! Not a thing.

DOCTOR I‘m afraid not. Obviously the arrangements were made in

Page 8 rather a hurry. They‘re very important. I‘ve given them a terminal rating.

ACE Sounds nice.

DOCTOR It means that some planet somewhere faces imminent destruction.

ACE Crikey. Oh, Earth, please let it be Earth, Earth, come on, Earth, I DOCTOR bet it's Earth, is it Earth? it's gotta be Earth… Earth… Quite.

HE FIDDLES WITH THE BOOMBOX FOR A BIT.. A PLANET APPEARS, BUT THE IMAGE IS UNRESOLVED AT FIRST. (continue)

DOCTOR That looks familiar.

AFTER A MOMENT IT BECOMES CLEARER

DOCTOR Earth! Yes! THE IMAGE HANGS THERE MOMENTARILY TO GET THE FULL DRAMATIC EFFECT, ENHANCED EVEN MORE BY A MUSICAL STING COURTESY OF KEFF.

BACK AT LADY PEINFORTE‗S, SHE AND RICHARD STAND IN FRONT OF WHAT IS APPARENTLY A COW‘S SKULL. Hecate! Hecate! Hecate!

LADY PEINFORTE Afraid? Well, you ARE kinda scary lookin. RICHARD Yes, my lady.

LADY PEINFORTE When I employed you, you led me to believe you were a hardened criminal.

RICHARD As my lady knows, before I entered your service, I was found guilty of a large number of offenses. Mostly parking tickets, but still!

LADY PEINFORTE Then have the courage of your convictions. Drink.

SHE STARTS TO DRINK FROM A SILVER GOBLET

Page 9 LADY PEINFORTE Drink!

THEY DRINK. Coulda had a V8. Chug! Chug! Chug! SOME COLOURED LIGHTS FLASH.

RICHARD What is happening, my lady? You're tasting colors, man.

LADY PEINFORTE We are leaving, Richard. (beat) Destiny beckons. (beat) We ride the back of time.

RICHARD We have invented LSD! No! No! No! Nooooo!

LADY PEINFORTE Come back, you fool! You‘ll break the aura! Don't break the circle! Don't cross the streams either! RICHARD I can‘t. Please, my lady, I must stay!

LADY PEINFORTE It is too late!

THEY BOTH SCREAM, AND ARE ENVELOPED IN A Bill Paxton and Helen Hunt in Twister. MULTI-COLOURED, FLIPPY-WHIPPY, TIMEY- Wibbly-wobbly, timey wimey! WIMEY, FOGGY-WOGGY THINGY. What an eccentric performance.

THEY APPEAR IN A RESTAURANT TO THE We thought we discovered the worst extras in the world ASTONISHMENT OF NONE OF THE PATRONS. in Destiny of the Daleks…we were wrong.

RICHARD Where are we, my lady?

LADY PEINFORTE Why, the very place we left, of course. My house in Windsor. Looks more like a waffle house.

BACK TO ACE AND THE DOCTOR.

ACE You mean the world‘s going to end, and you‘ve forgotten about it?

DOCTOR I‘ve been busy. I'll remember it tomorrow, I promise.

ACE How long have you known?

DOCTOR Well, in strictly linear terms, as a chronometer flies, I‘ve known since November the twenty-third 1638.

Page 10 THE ASTEROID MOVES TOWARDS EARTH.

THE TARDIS MATERIALISES IN SOME SORT OF STOREROOM. Kitty!

THE DOCTOR AND ACE GET OUT. Not too crowded in the dealer's room. THE DOCTOR PUTS HIS HAND ON SOMETHING AND YELPS.

ACE Look at all this stuff.

DOCTOR Yes, exactly what we‘ve got to do. Look at all this stuff. You take that aisle.

ACE What‘s it all for?

DOCTOR Prrrrrrresents.

ACE Nobody gets this many presents.

DOCTOR Well, if you were a lady who traveled…

ACE I am!

DOCTOR Yes, you‘re not always invited, but if you were, you get presents, and then you need somewhere to store them.

ACE Well, who does it all belong to? I mean, where are we??

DOCTOR Windsor.

ACE Windsor? We‘re in the castle?

THE DOCTOR HOLDS UP AN AFRICAN MASK.

DOCTOR This is new.

ACE (laugh) I thought it‘d be a lot posher than this.

DOCTOR It probably is, upstairs, but we‘re in the vault…and we‘re "Never gonna do it without your fez on" looking for a silver bow I want to borrow. Is he Akbar or Jeff?

Page 11

ACE We can‘t go nicking stuff in here!

DOCTOR It‘s only temporary.

ACE It‘s probably treason. I‘m too young to go to the Tower. Rapunzel!

DOCTOR Listen, Ace, do I have to remind you, that the safety of the world is at stake? Mmmmm. Steak.

ACE It might make a difference if you let me know what was going on, Professor, but I suppose there‘s no time.

DOCTOR Prrrrrrecisely.

THE LIGHTS BEGIN TO FLICKER. Last call. You don't have to go home but you can't stay here. DOCTOR Perhaps even less time than I thought. Please…let‘s hurry.

BACK IN THE RESTAURANT LADY PEINFORTE STROKES HER ARROW, WHICH IS NOW FLASHING.

LADY PEINFORTE Nemesis. She arrives. (hold arms out)

OUTSIDE A METEORITE STREAKS THROUGH THE SKY, AND LANDS ON THE GROUND ACCOMPANIED BY AN EXPLOSION. (a la Ace in Battlefield) Booooooooom!

BACK IN THE VAULT, THE DOCTOR CATCHES A STATUE AS IT FALLS FROM A PEDESTAL.

ACE Was that a bomb? It is a beum. DOCTOR That is not my dog. No, that was the return to Earth of a comet called Nemesis that has been in orbit for exactly 350 years.

ACE You‘re amazing, Professor. Being able to tell all that just from the noise. You're… choking… me… please… let go… DOCTOR It wasn‘t difficult really. It was me who launched into Well, at least he caught her there and not lower. space in the first place…This may qualify as the worst miscalculation since life crawled out of the seas on this sad planet.

Page 12 ACE Well, nobody‘s perfect. (beat) Hey is this the bow?

OUTSIDE, DE FLORES HOLDS THE BOW. Pump up the Wagner. HIS VAN PULLS UP AND STOPS. Torchwood's here!

INSIDE, THE GUYS ARE ASLEEP.

KARL We‘re almost in Windsor, Herr De Flores. Shall I let the De Flores's boring war stories put everyone to sleep. men walk around a little?

DE FLORES No, Karl, we must not keep history waiting. No more bathroom breaks!

HE CLOSES THE BOW‘S CASE.

BACK AT THE RESTAURANT LADY PEINFORTE AND RICHARD LOOK OUT THE WINDOW AS A POLICE CAR GOES PAST.

RICHARD My lady, what carriage is that?

LADY PEINFORTE Hurry, the rogues will have the Nemesis!

RICHARD I have not seen the like of it before. It's the new Vauxhall!

THE POLICE CAR STOPS. NEAR WHERE THE METEORITE LANDED.

BACK IN THE RESTAURANT.

RICHARD We must take care!

LADY PEINFORTE Fie!

SHE PICKS UP A CHAIR AND SMASHES THE WINDOW They hadn't invented the DOOR yet in 1638.

OUTSIDE, THREE COPPERS LOOK AT A FIRE. Quick, burn the evidence! DE FLORES‘ VAN PULLS UP.

DE FLORES Nemesis has come to Earth on that piece of ground. In the Just as if it were a meteorITE. new era, all this... Will be a shrine.

KARL The men are ready in two assault groups. I will remain with you. We await only your order.

Page 13

DE FLORES Oh, good. Let‘s drive to the best hotel, and, uh, refresh Best hotel? The Airtel? ourselves. I don't think I wanna know what he means by 'refresh KARL ourselves'. But, Herr, De Flores, there are only three policemen, we can take them now!

DE FLORES Young people. Always in such a hurry. Well, we were the same…Now, the statue is inside the meteor, which has just (the same) When I was your age, I walked to school traveled through space. Have you any idea how hot it will uphill both ways in ten feet of snow. be? How can we handle it? Since the British government is completely unaware of its power, I‘m sure we can rely on the police force to guard it safely until we are ready to collect it. I have every confidence in them. To the hotel. I hear the Marriott has a Starbucks in the lobby.

KARL SHIFTS GEARS

BACK IN THE VAULT, ACE IS WEARING JEFF‘S-OR POSSIBLY AKBAR‘S-FEZ.

DOCTOR The bow was in the case.

ACE (READING) This case contained the Bow of Nemesis, property of the Crown, which disappeared mysteriously in 1788. Legend has it that unless a place is kept for the bow in the castle, Plot point spelled out. the entire silver statue will return to destroy the world.

DOCTOR For once, legend is absolutely correct. It has just returned.

THE LIGHTS GO OUT

DOCTOR …Ugh, and now this.

ACE It‘s just the electricity. It does that sometimes, even in the 1980s. What I want to know is, how can a statue destroy (in the 1980s) It does that NOW. the world?

DOCTOR I‘ll tell you... 350 years ago.

ACE SETS DOWN THE FEZ TO HORRIBLE MUSIC.

BACK AT LADY PEINFORTE‘S, CANDLES FLICKER It's a candle in the wind - - sorry. TO THE SOUND OF THE TARDIS MATERIALISING.

THE DOCTOR AND ACE COME OUT GINGERLY. Dum dum dum DUM daaaaaaah- dumdumdumdum.

ACE SNEEZES.

Page 14

DOCTOR (WHISPERING) Shhhh. We don‘t know if anyone‘s home. GET OUT! GET OUUUUT!

ACE (WHISPERING) OK, Professor. So where are we now? Stairs.

DOCTOR Windsor, of course. Only a few hundred yards from the castle.

ACE And is it really 1638?

DOCTOR It certainly is, and furthermore-- Don‘t move.

ACE What?

DOCTOR Stay where you are.

HE WALKS OVER TO THE DEAD MATHEMATICIAN.

ACE What is it?

DOCTOR Something you really don‘t want to see.

HE COVERS THE MATHEMATICIAN WITH A BLANKET. Awww, he's chilly.

ACE Who does this house belong to anyway?

DOCTOR A lady. (a la Jerry Lewis) Laydeee!

ACE She‘s got funny ideas about home furnishings. She shops at Ikea.

DOCTOR Lady Peinforte is nothing, if not original, but I‘m afraid this poor man was employed for his useful, rather than his ornamental qualities.

HE PICKS UP A PARCHMENT FROM THE TABLE.

DOCTOR He‘s a scholar, and he‘s done remarkably well. In a matter of months since I was last here, he‘s calculated the exact time, and date when a comet called Nemesis will land on Now it's a comet? Make up your mind. this planet. The twenty-third of November. Why's it called Nemesis? Is he a Shriekback fan?

Page 15 Everybody happy as the dead come home. ACE 1988? Well, let's examine the lyrics to Nemesis by Shriekback, and how they relate to this episode. One line goes "We DOCTOR drink elixirs that we refine from the juices of the dying" And Lady Peinforte‘s rewarded him with her usual which is what they did to travel in time. Another line is generosity. "Call in the airstrike with a poison kiss", and Peinforte is firing poison arrows. I think there's a link. ACE So, the bow belonged to her?

DOCTOR Hmmm? No, no, not to her. To a statue of her. She made the statue from a silver metal that fell out of the sky into that meadow out there.

HE WALKS OVER AND LOOK‘S AT FENRIC‘S CHESS SET.

DOCTOR Hmmm, this game‘s going rather badly. Fenric disagrees.

HE STUDIES A CHESS PIECE

ACE Doctor…

DOCTOR Don‘t worry, there‘s no one here now. Apart from our late friend. Lady Peinforte‘s around, all right, in Windsor, but 350 years in the future.

BACK IN 1988, THE THREE COPS WALK AROUND THE SMOKING METEORITE. Looks like a rock to me, sergeant. Oh look. Rock. LADY PEINFORTE AND RICHARD WATCH FROM A DISTANCE

RICHARD What means yon fellow? Why speaks he to his hand? He wears clean clothes, he smells not of urine and whiskey, as do I? LADY PEINFORTE He summons guards. Oh, this cannot be!

RICHARD Why so upset, my lady?

LADY PEINFORTE Because, fool, they will protect the Nemesis, and we know not their strength and weapons.

RICHARD But, my lady, they know not what the comet is. Without the arrow, it is nothing. We must but watch, and wait our chance to seize it.

Page 16 LADY PEINFORTE Thou are not in all wise so useless, Richard.

RICHARD My lady is too kind.

LADY PEINFORTE We shall withdraw, and conceal ourselves. How not to be seen. Part two.

THEY WITHDRAW AND CONCEAL THEMSELVES.

THE COPS MUMBLE AND POINT TO THE Where's UNIT? Where Mr Bambera? METEORITE. Ccchhhhk! Hello, fascist pig here, hello?

THE SMOKE CLEARS AND THE FACE PEERS OUT. Freezer geezer!

BACK IN 1638.

ACE How can she get to 1988? Fenric. Oh, sorry.

DOCTOR She used the sliver arrow, of course, and she had some basic, rudimentary knowledge... of time travel.

HE WALKS A BIT

DOCTOR Black magic, mostly.

ACE She's a black magic woman. Black magic?

DOCTOR Hmm, and what you might call, a nose for secrets. (sniff) Follow my nose, it always knows! Oh,. dear.

ACE So, it wasn‘t just silver, this stuff that fell from the sky. No, it was "silver and gold, silver and gold…"

DOCTOR Unfortunately, Lady Peinforte discovered it was something rather more unusual. A living metal. Validium.

ACE A living metal?

DOCTOR Yes, with just one purpose…Destruction. OK, too many plot points.

ACE But if you launched it into space, how come it‘s capable of destruction?

DOCTOR Later, Ace.

Page 17

THE DOCTOR WALKS OUT, ACE FOLLOWS.

BACK IN 1988. THE COP CAR.

COP (OFF CAMERA) Don‘t bother trying again; it looks like the battery‘s dead.

A SILVER NOZZLE COMES OUT OF THE GROUND. R2? R2, where are you?

COP (IN RADIO) Hello. Hello.

MORE NOZZLES COME OUT OF THE GROUND.

WHITE SMOKE/POWDER COMES OUT OF THEM. Oops. Call the hazmat team.

CHECKING UNDER THE CAR BONNET, THE COP BEGINS TO COUGH, THEN FALLS OVER.

SMOKE FILLS THE AIR, THE COP IN THE CAR COUGHS, AND FALLS OUT THE OPEN DOOR.

THE THIRD COP COUGHS, AND FALLS OVER NEXT TO THE CAR.

HORRIBLE MUSIC PLAYS AS THE CAMERA ZOOMS Stock footage! OUT FROM A LONG SHOT OF WINDSOR CASTLE.

A GROUP OF TOURISTS WALK UP TO A Bad music! STAIRWAY.

ON CLOSE UP, WE CAN SEE NICK COURTNEY IN Nick Courtney! THE BACK OF THE GROUP. Hi, Nick!

THEIR GUIDE SPEAKS AS THEY TAKE PICTURES. A CASTLE GUARD WATCHES. Wouldn't there be more Japanese? THEY FINALLY MOVE OFF AS THE SOUND OF THE TARDIS MATERIALISING BEGINS.

THE DOCTOR AND ACE EXIT THE TARDIS.

ACE I‘ve been here before.

DOCTOR Deja vu?

ACE No, with the school.

DOCTOR Oh, very droll….I haven‘t been here since they were building the place. You remember the way around.

Page 18 ACE Not really, Windsor Castle‘s a big place.

DOCTOR Quite right. What we need‘s a guide. Come on.

THEY JOIN THE GROUP OF TOURISTS, AS THE Now we will visit the royal bowling alley. GUIDE DRONES ON.

AFTER A MOMENT, THE DOCTOR LOOKS BEHIND AND POINTS.

A SIGN READS. ‗NO ENTRY ROYAL APARTMENTS‖. Top secret! UNIT HQ! Torchwood secret hideaway!

THEY HEAD OFF IN THE DIRECTION OF THE SIGN, GOING THROUGH A DOORWAY.

THE GUIDE DRONES ON.

ACE OPENS A DOOR AND WALKS THROUGH.

ACE I really don‘t think we should be doing this.

THE DOCTOR COMES THROUGH THE DOORWAY

DOCTOR This way? What do you think?

ACE I don‘t know. I might be able to tell if I actually knew where we were going. We didn‘t actually cover the royal residential areas on the school trip.

A DOG BARKS.

THE QUEEN IS WALKING HER DOGS. Hello, Helen Mirren.

ACE There‘s someone coming.

DOCTOR Act as if you own the place.

ACE Do what?

DOCTOR It always works. We own the place.

ACE Doctor!

THE QUEEN MOVES CLOSER WITH HER DOGS. Granny Clampett and her smell hounds?

Page 19 DOCTOR Annoying. I can‘t place that woman for the life of me.

ACE Doctor!

SHE PULLS HIM OUT OF THE WAY.

THE QUEEN AND THE DOGS GO THROUGH THE DOORWAY.

DOCTOR It‘s all right, Ace. I know that woman from somewhere.

ACE PULLS HIM BACK WITH THE QUESTION MARK PART OF HIS UMBRELLA.

DOCTOR Uh. What?! Why didn‘t you say something?! (a la Brian Blessed) Whaaaattt!

ACE You wouldn‘t let me.

DOCTOR She‘s just the woman we need. Quick, after her.

THEY RUN.

DOCTOR Ah-ha! I have you now!

THEY RUN SOME MORE. GOING THROUGH A DOORWAY.

INSIDE THE BUILDING.

DOCTOR It would be very useful to have the armed forces and the police on our side, and can you suggest a better person to ask?

ACE Hang on!

DOCTOR There‘s no alternative.

JUST AS THE DOCTOR IS ABOUT TO KNOCK ON A DOOR, IT OPENS. THERE‘S A SECURITY GUARD ON THE OTHER SIDE. I knew you were there.

OUTSIDE, LADY PEINFORTE STICKS ARROWS IN THE GROUND. Die, ground, die!

RICHARD I am in a nightmare, or mad! Yes, both. It's called Silver Nemesis.

Page 20

LADY PEINFORTE This is no madness, ‗tis England.

RICHARD But the noise, lady. The foul air. Sorry, that was me.

SHE GESTURES FOR THE BOW

RICHARD Yes, my lady.

HE HANDS HER THE BOW.

RICHARD What will my lady do when you possess the Nemesis?

LADY PEINFORTE Why first, have revenge on that predictable, little man. He will soon arrive, Richard. Oh, yes. I expect him. This time (I expect him) I saw his name on today's call sheet. there will be a reckoning with the nameless Doctor, whose (nameless Doctor) Probably near the end. power is so secret. For I have found his secret out. In good time, I will speak it. I shall be his downfall. Secret powers? Nameless Doctor? Dr Doolittle!

BACK INSIDE.

DOCTOR I‘ve got to speak to her.

SECURITY GUARD Keep quiet; we‘ll have a doctor here soon.

DOCTOR But I am the Doctor!

SECURITY GUARD Don‘t get excited. How did you get in here?

DOCTOR I could tell you, but you won‘t believe me.

SECURITY GUARD Try me. Torchwooooooo….ooo…I mean, UNIT.

DOCTOR I traveled through time and space.

SECURITY GUARD Oh. Dear. Oh, dear.

DOCTOR Very well, then, let‘s forget about the armed forces.

ACE But the queen.

Page 21 SECURITY GUARD Are you a patient with him?

ACE Now you better listen to him, weasel-features, ‗cause he‘s the Doctor. WEASEL FEATURES. Huh.

SECURITY GUARD Oh, is he?

DOCTOR Listen, the fate of every living creature on this planet hangs in the balance.

SECURITY GUARD I don‘t believe you.

THE DOCTOR PUTS ON HIS SPECTACLES.

DOCTOR You will believe me. You will let us go. You will not move. (to ACE) You will move. These aren't the droids you're looking for.

THEY RUN AWAY.

ACE How did you do that?

DOCTOR It‘s easy once you know how. You have to make a spectacle of yourself. Easy for him.

SECURITY GUARD (OFF CAMERA) Hey!

DOCTOR The only trouble is, it doesn‘t last long.

THEY RUN AWAY, THE SECURITY GUARDS IN (Yakety Sax) PURSUIT.

BACK OUTSIDE THE METEORITE IS STILL SMOKING. THE TWO GUYS WITH HEADPHONES What's on your iPod, Larry? GET OUT OF THEIR CAR TO LOOK AT IT. A SHADOW PASSES OVER THEM, AND THEN LIGHTNING BOLTS ZAP THE HEADPHONES. Contact has been made.

BACK IN THE CASTLE THE DOCTOR AND ACE ARE STILL RUNNING. THE DOCTOR STOPS AND LOOKS AT A PAINTING.

DOCTOR Oh look, a van Dyck.

ACE Not now, Doctor.

Page 22

THEY RUN SOME MORE, BUMPING INTO A LOUD GROUP OF TOURISTS.

ACE Out the way! Coming through! Out the way!

THE SECURITY GUARDS GET STUCK WITHIN THE GROUP.

THE DOCTOR AND ACE STOP BY A RAILING.

ACE What now? Jump!

DOCTOR Back to the TARDIS. We‘re obviously not going to get any help here.

THEY RUN DOWN SOME STAIRS,

ACE STOPS TO LOOK AT ANOTHER PAINTING. It's not very often you stop for sightseeing while being chased. ACE Professor... that‘s me.

WE SEE THE PAINTING IS OF ACE LOOKING ALL POSH.

DOCTOR What? So, it is. My goodness, what a good likeness, ha ha. Victorian porn.

ACE How come I‘m hanging up here?

DOCTOR Well, it hasn‘t happened yet.

ACE But it‘s 200 years ago.

DOCTOR I know, we haven‘t done it yet. That‘s why you can‘t remember it.

ACE That doesn‘t make sense.

DOCTOR Well, it did to Louis Armstrong, but then he really understood time.

SECURITY GUARD (OFF CAMERA) There they are. It's not very often you stop while chasing to say "there they are." THE SECURITY GUARDS STOP AT THE TOP OF THE STAIRS.

Page 23

SECURITY GUARD Come on.

MORE RUNNING.

OUTSIDE, DE FLORES‘ VAN DRIVES UP TO THE STRAINS OF MORE KEFF HIDEOUSNESS.

THE ―ARMY‖ GUYS JUMP OUT THE BACK. KARL Here they aaaaare, YOUR! FIGHTING! FOURTH! CALMLY CLOSES THE DOOR AND WALKS OVER REICH! TO OPEN THE DOOR FOR DE FLORES, WHO GETS This is my rifle, this is my gun… OUT.

THE ―ARMY‖ GUYS RUN AROUND IN THE FIELD Everyone run around in random directions! Look busy, MOST EXCITINGLY. the boss is here!

THEY GO UP TO THE COPS AND TOUCH THEIR NECKS.

KARL Herr, De Flores, I don‘t understand how the police have already been overcome. Ze British and zeir brown liquors.

DE FLORES That is of no importance. All that matters is the Nemesis is safe.

KARL WALKS UP TO THE METEORITE AND PLACES THE BOW CASE ON IT AND OPENS IT.

THE BOW STROBES AND MAKES A RADIOPHONIC SOUND.

THE ―ARMY‖ GUYS JUMP BACK AS SOME ROCKS FALL OFF THE METEORITE.

WE SEE THE FACE AGAIN.

DE FLORES Your strength returns. Soon you will be completely restored. But where is the arrow? The arrow? (restored) and we will listen to Wagner together!

THE TARDIS MATERIALISES.

DE FLORES Where is it? Find it! Find it!

ACE AND THE DOCTOR RUN TOWARDS DE FLORES AND HIS MEN.

DOCTOR I do hope we‘re not too late.

THEY RUN SOME MORE.

Page 24 DOCTOR Umm, don‘t be afraid. We won‘t harm you.

KARL How did you get here? I searched that section; There was no one there.

DE FLORES Never mind, Karl. We‘ll see many signs and wonders in the days to come. Give me the Arrow of Nemesis.

DOCTOR Fortunately I haven‘t seen it since 1638, when it disappeared along with the good Lady Peinforte.

DE FLORES Rubbish! It sure is.

DE FLORES (TO ACE)_ You, where is the arrow?

ACE I don‘t know anything about it

DOCTOR She really doesn‘t. Allow me to explain, Ace. For validium Hey, don't turn your back on me, jackass. to become active, it must have a-a sufficient quantity, a critical mass. Now, the statue alone is no good without the bow.

DE FLORES I have the bow.

DOCTOR And the arrow. Now, if somebody put the bow and arrow into the statue‘s hands…

DE FLORES They have the power of life and death, not only over this Earth, but over any planet in existence. You seem remarkably well informed for someone who claims to know nothing. …Mr Bond.

DOCTOR I simply notice what is obvious. You apparently don‘t.

DE FLORES What do you mean?

DOCTOR See those policemen there? They‘ve been attacked by a technology more advanced and more terrible than you can imagine. HD-DVD.

KARL What technology?

Page 25

DOCTOR And you might also have observed the electricity supply being drained over the last few days.

ACE Like at the castle.

DOCTOR Yes.

DE FLORES Tell me where the arrow is. I want you to tell me where to find the arrow! The magic arrows? The BOZO magic arrows?

DOCTOR I‘m glad to say I can‘t.

DE FLORES Then we will shoot her. Shoot her now! Shoot her now!

THE ―ARMY‖ GUYS POINT THEIR GUNS AT ACE.

ACE.

ARMY GUYS.

ACE.

ACE Doctor…

A SPACESHIP FLIES OVERHEAD... VERY SLOWLY. Cylon ship? By your command. Please fasten your seat belts and return your tray tables to DE FLORES their upright positions. Wait.

ACE LOOKS ON.

DOCTOR Don‘t move.

THE SPACESHIP LANDS. Interesting. No shadow.

CLOSE UP ON THE DOCTOR.

SOME FIGURES CAN BE SEEN COMING OUT OF THE SHIP. They're coming out of the flying disco.

ACE They saved my life.

DOCTOR Don‘t thank them yet. You might live to regret it. (yet) They wouldn't hear you anyway over the loud incidental music. CYBERMEN WALK OUT OF THE SHIP.

Page 26

ACE What are they?

DOCTOR Cybermen!

CLOSE UP ON CYBERLEADER.

SHOT OF ―ARMY‖ GUYS.

SHOT OF DOCTOR.

CYBERLEADER So, Doctor, a new appearance. Otherwise our anticipation of your presence has proved entirely accurate. Oh, you bastards never recognized me before… it's the question marks, isn't it? AN "ARMY" GUY SHOOTS. Memo to self. Lose the question marks. A CYBERMAN SPARKS.

THE ARMY GUY SHOOTS SOME MORE.

THE CYBERMAN SPARKS SOME MORE. I dig fireworks. CYBERLEADER Eradicate them.

THE CYBERMAN SHOOTS. Delete! Delete! Oh wait, we're not saying that yet, are we? KARL DIES.

THE DOCTOR AND ACE HIT THE GROUND.

DE FLORES Take cover!

THE DOCTOR RUNS AND DIVES INTO THE PIT NEAR THE NEMESIS

ACE Doctor! HHAACE!

AN ―ARMY‖ GUY RUNS AROUND AMIDST THE FIRING.

THE CYBERMEN MARCH ON.

THERE ARE SEVERAL EXPLOSIONS NEAR A CAR WHERE THE "ARMY" GUYS ARE STANDING, Who's got the artillery?

THE CYBERMEN KEEP FIRING.

KARL AND DE FLORES HIDE BEHIND A CAR. Where'd the 1972 Ford Granada come from?

THE DOCTOR AND ACE SIT UP IN THE DIRT.

Page 27

ACE Doctor, we can‘t stay here.

DOCTOR We certainly can. That‘s what happened the last time. Only then, it was the Roundheads…and Lady Peinforte.

THERE‘S AN EXPLOSION OFF CAMERA.

LADY PEINFORTE LETS AN ARROW FLY.

IT HITS A CYBERMAN IN THE CHEST UNIT.

LADY PEINFORTE A hit. Avery palpable hit. Aw, come on, you didn't write that line.

SHE GRABS ANOTHER ARROW.

THE CYBERMAN YELLS, SPARKS, AND FALLS TO THE GROUND.

DE FLORES AND KARL WATCH.

AN ARROW LANDS NEAR THEM, AND DE FLORES PICKS IT UP. HE LOOKS AROUND A BIT.

THE CYBERMAN, DEAD, LIES IN THE GRASS.

DE FLORES STUDIES THE TIP OF THE ARROW. Mmm. Pointy.

LIKE FRANCISCO FRANCO, THE CYBERMAN IS STILL DEAD.

CYBERMEN MARCH FIRING THEIR WEAPONS.

EXPLOSION BY THE CAR. It's Mr Bean's car!

A SOLDIER FIRES HIS MACHINE GUN.

A CYBERMAN FIRES AND HITS A SOLDIER.

MORE GUNFIRE, BLASTER FIRE, EXPLOSIONS, AND GENERAL MAYHEM.

ANOTHER CYBERMAN IS STRUCK BY AN ARROW. HE FALLS TO THE GROUND. INSTANTLY DEAD.

LADY PEINFORTE See how my poison is as deadly as ever, Richard.

RICHARD (PRAYING) …and I shall look after the sick, which reminds me, I will return to Briggs his money. Stop hiding behind the giant marijuana plant.

LADY PEINFORTE

Page 28 Get up, fool. I tell thee, Richard, were there men of silver like these in our day, my life would have been quite different. Now I‘ll let them destroy each other, and then Why would Nick Briggs loan him money anyway? we‘ll take the Nemesis.

WE PAN ACROSS FIRING SOLDIERS STANDING LIKE DUCKS IN A GALLERY.

ONE SOLDIER FIRES HIS UZI.

THERE‘S MORE GUNFIRE AND EXPLOSIONS AND BLASTER FIRE. JUST POINTLESS, TWO-SIDED BATTLE FOOTAGE.

DOCTOR (LOOKING AT ARROW) Where did that come from?

ACE I didn‘t see.

DOCTOR A Cyberman killed with an arrow, well that‘s ludicrous! It sure is. Unless, of course!

HE PULLS THE ARROW OUT OF THE CYBERMAN‘S CHEST.

DOCTOR The head‘s made of gold.

ACE That‘s real gold?

DOCTOR Yes, the only substance to which they‘re vulnerable. It's STILL ludicrous.

ACE GRABS FOR THE ARROW. Uh, it's not like gold was worthless in 1638.

ACE Classy!

DOCTOR Ahh! Gold dipped in poison. Lady Peinforte‘s calling card.

THERE‘S ANOTHER EXPLOSION OFF CAMERA.

ACE I‘m really think we should be getting out of here, Doctor.

DOCTOR I really think you‘re right. Heh-heh!

KARL My lady, who is that little man?

LADY PEINFORTE

Page 29 Oh, glorious evil! It is he.

THE DOCTOR GRABS THE BOW FROM THE CASE AND CLOSES IT.

LADY PEINFORTE No!

SHE READIES AN ARROW.

THE DOCTOR AND ACE RACE FOR THE TARDIS.

THE ARROW HITS IT JUST AS IT DEMATERIALISES. Why didn't the arrow fall? To get to the other side. THERE‘S MORE GUNFIRE AND BLASTER FIRE.

A GUY FALLS OVER. Jazz hands!

SOLDIER BOY (weak) ah.

THE CAR SPARKS.

THE CYBERLEADER LOOKS AROUND.

DE FLORES We must retreat. It‘s our only chance.

KARL And leave the statue?

DE FLORES The statue alone is useless to them, and the bow is ours. Get it!

KARL RUNS OFF.

A CYBERMAN AIMS AT HIM.

HE GOES TOWARDS THE BOW; HE GRABS IT, AND THE CYBERMAN FIRES. (ala Cleese firing squad) How could you miss?

THERE ARE A BUNCH OF EXPLOSIONS.

CYBERLEADER Bring the bow at once.

CYBERMAN The Doctor and the female have escaped with it, Leader.

CYBERLEADER (POINTING TO DEAD CYBERMAN) And that one? (ala Teen Girl Squad) He looks burnt, or dead.

CYBERMAN Terminated by another human female using gold.

Page 30

CYBERLEADER This must be the Lady Peinforte. Payin' for it? Well, look at her, of COURSE she's payin' for it, nobody's THE CYBERMEN BEGIN TO WALK AWAY. gonna give it to her for free!

WE SEE A SHOT OF A STREET AND SOME SHOPS.

LADY PEINFORTE AND RICHARD WALK DOWN THE STREET.

RICHARD My lady, there are people here.

LADY PEINFORTE Of course there are people. This is Windsor. Come.

THEY WALK ON.

SHOT OF BUILDING.

INSIDE, THE CYBERMEN POINT THEIR GUNS AT THE NEMESIS.

CYBERMAN Cut the statue free and take it into the craft. Were they making a Ferrari cake?

BACK IN 1638.

ACE I don‘t like this place.

DOCTOR Just passing through, Ace.

ACE What happened to the body? He‘s gone.

DOCTOR Yes, and someone‘s moved the chess pieces.

THE DOCTOR RUMMAGES THRU SOME PAPERS ON THE TABLE, AND PICKS UP A SMALL PIECE OF PAPER.

DOCTOR Voila!

ACE Is that what we came here for?

DOCTOR Our friend the mathematician was a genius, but he needed a kittle help to get started. Like a TI-84 calculator.

HE PUTS THE PAPER ON THE FIRE.

Page 31

ACE STANDS AND WATCHES. CATCHING HER BREATH.

DOCTOR Cold?

ACE I really don‘t like this place. Can we make a move?

DOCTOR Yes.

HE GOES OVER TO THE CHESS SET AND MAKES A More chess. Sigh. MOVE.

HE THEN WALKS OVER, PUTS HIS ARM AROUND ACE, AND THEY LEAVE.

CLOSE UP ON CHESS SET.

BACK IN 1988, THE CYBERMEN CARRY A GIANT PIECE OF STYROFOAM. Be careful with the Ferrari cake!

LADY PEINFORTE AND RICHARD WALK DOWN THE STREET, AS TWO SKINHEADS TOTALLY CHECK THEM OUT. How many skinheads wear Polo shirts, anyway?

THE CYBERSHIP FLIES OVER SOME TREES.

BACK AT DE FLORES‘ VAN.

INSIDE, DE FLORES EMPTIES SOME GOLD DUST INTO HIS HAND.

KARL What is the gold dust for, Herr De Flores? Snorting.

DE FLORES Eventualities.

THE TARDIS MATERIALIZES ON A HILL. Last week, on All Creatures Great and Small.

THE DOCTOR AND ACE COME OUT OF IT

DOCTOR Validium was created as the ultimate defense for Gallifrey. Back in early times?

ACE Created by Omega?

DOCTOR Yes.

ACE

Page 32 And?

DOCTOR Rrrrasilon.

ACE And?

DOCTOR And none of it should have left Gallifrey. But, as always with these things, some of it did.

ACE So you had to try and stop Lady Peinforte--

DOCTOR --or anyone else-- From leaving the room.

THEY STROLL UP A PATH.

ACE From ever putting the three bits together. Massive new continuity, murmured away from camera and mics - now that's effective direction! DOCTOR Yes, so I launched the largest piece into space.

ACE But you got the sums wrong.

DOCTOR Look, we‘re almost there. The bow is acting like a beacon. Mmmm, beacon. ACE It would be a lot safer tracking them inside the Tardis.

DOCTOR Well, the Cybermen might find the Tardis. I mean, this way our validium leads us the their validium.

ACE Isn‘t that a bit old fashioned?

DOCTOR Well, I‘m an old fashioned guy. Does he know the microphone is still on?

THE CYBERSHIP FLIES ON. IT WOBBLES BACK AND FORTH, AND EVENTUALLY SETTLES INTO VIRTUAL GRASS.

LADY PEINFORTE AND RICHARD CONTINUE WALKING. THE TWO SKINHEADS STEP IN FRONT OF THEM.

SKINHEAD 1 Are you lookin‘ at me?

Page 33 LADY PEINFORTE Stand aside!

SKINHEAD 2 What are you, social workers?

RICHARD Out of my lady‘s way.

SKINHEAD 1 We wanna tell you our problem.

LADY PEINFORTE Will you be turned into rats?

SKINHEAD 2 We already ‗ave been.

SKINHEAD 1 Poor ones. That‘s our problem.

SKINHEAD 2 Money!

RICHARD Money, say you? Say me.

THE DOCTOR AND ACE WALK THROUGH A FIELD, (whistle Andy Griffith theme) CARRYING THE STROBING BOW, WHISTLING TUNELESSLY. What have we gotten ourselves into? Clap on. Clap off. Clap on. THERE‘S A CASTLE UP AHEAD.

THEY CONTINUE WALKING.

WE SEE THE CASTLE UP CLOSE. Camelot! Camelot! SOME ROCKS FALL OFF THE NEMESIS. Camelot!

THE CYBERMEN LOOK AROUND.

CYBERMAN The remaining validium approaches, leader.

CYBERLEADER As predicted. Activate communications unit. Why can't you just say RADIO?

CYBERMAN But the Doctor and Peinforte are still to be destroyed.

CYBERLEADER Our victory is inevitable. The Doctor will come for us, and Peinforte is a simple savage accompanied by a terrified peasant.

THE TWO SKINHEADS HANG UPSIDE DOWN FROM

Page 34 A TREE, TRYING TO ESCAPE.

SKINHEADS (muffled) Help! Help!!!

THEIR CLOTHES BURN ON A FIRE.

ACE FIDDLES WITH THE ANTENNA OF THE BOOMBOX, IT MAKES A STATICKY SOUND.

ACE What am I supposed to be listening for?

HORRIBLE SOUNDS ARE HEARD.

DOCTOR That. It's called Keff.

THE DOCTOR HOLDS HIS HAND UP, AND THE THEN PUSHES THE ANTENNA DOWN. HE FIDDLES WITH THE KNOBS.

DOCTOR Cybermen communicating.

ACE I don‘t like Cybermen.

DOCTOR You should see the ones they‘re communicating with. (rimshot)

ACE Reinforcements? "Reinforcements. Reinforcements." Either she likes Sparks or she's a Cheat Commandos fan. DOCTOR Yes, but if we could only jam their signal. Have you got a tape?

ACE Yeah.

SHE TAKES A TAPE FORM HER JACKET.

ACE You mean this thing transmits?

DOCTOR Of course it does. I built it.

HE FIDDLES WITH THE KNOBS SOME MORE.

BACK IN THE CRYPT.

CYBERLEADER Commence transmission.

Page 35 CYBERMAN Leader, I must repeat the objection of the transmission of incorrect information. Our cyber force does not yet hold all three units of validium.

CYBERLEADER You are outside your function.

THERE‘S A LOUD NOISE, AND A TRANSPARENT The killer chord. GLOBE STARTS FLASHING.

BACK ON THE HILL. THE DOCTOR AND ACE ARE LYING ON THE GRASS LISTENING TO JAZZ.

DOCTOR Are we having fun? No!

ACE Yeah.

BACK IN THE CRYPT.

CYBERMAN Interference. Origin unknown.

CYBERLEADER Open the monitor channel. (soft DJ voice) You're tuned in to The Monitor Channel.

THE CYBERMAN OPENS THE MONITOR CHANNEL. THEY HEAR JAZZ. Ahh. I KNOW this music. Straight blowing. THEY LOOK AROUND, CONFUSED. My favorite kind of jazz, leader!

BACK ON THE HILL...

ACE That‘ll keep them busy.

THE DOCTOR SIGHS. The blood's running to my head!

ACE Time to go.

DOCTOR Oh, I do love a jam session.

HE DOES A SOMERSAULT.

JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS IN THE VACUUM OF SPACE Space is awful echoey. NEAR THE MOON. In space no one can hear you straight blowing.

THE SKINHEADS ARE STILL HANGING FROM A TREE, AS THE DOCTOR AND ACE WALK IN THE DISTANCE. I see gay agenda.

THE DOCTOR RUNS UP AND REMOVES THE GAG

Page 36 FROM ONE OF THEM.

DOCTOR Who did this to you?

SKINHEAD 1 Social workers!

THE DOCTOR GESTURES TO ACE AS A HORRIBLE VERSION OF THE DOCTOR WHO THEME PLAYS.

BACK OUTSIDE THE CRYPT WE HEAR ROARING. RICHARD AND LADY PEINFORTE WALK ALONG.

RICHARD My lady? Curse that bean burrito!

LADY PEINFORTE Of course, I heard it. Am I deaf?

RICHARD It sounds like a bear, but worse!

LADY PEINFORTE See, we‘re near the Nemesis! Come. The bear will not Si? Is she Spanish? pursue us, such things happen only in the theater.

RICHARD What creatures are these?

HE SEES TWO LLAMAS GRAZING. Aiieeeee! La llamaaaaa! They're bigger than frogs… LADY PEINFORTE I know not.

RICHARD They will eat us. I beg you, my lady, return us to our own time. England now is full of terrors.

LADY PEINFORTE You‘re mad. Return without the Nemesis? Never. And without my knowledge, you cannot return at all. I tell thee, Richard, either you assist me and we gain it, or I leave thee here forever. Now come, I think they‘re peaceful. Oh, go back to the Keys of Marinus, you bint.

RICHARD What place? What place is this?

LADY PEINFORTE The piece of ground on which you stand? Why, I will tell thee. It is thy grave, Richard.

RICHARD What? Did she just give him grave wisdom?

LADY PEINFORTE

Page 37 I ordered you to be buried her when I planned my tomb. See, there‘s thy stone. If the dogs would not eat thee, I ordered you put out here to attend me in the next world as in this. There you see is my burial place, ands aptly the Talk about job security. silver creatures there do hold the Nemesis. We shall attack!

THEY BEGIN TO WALK.

A SIGNS SAYS. ‗STAY IN YOUR CAR! WHILE IN THE SAFARI PARK‘.

THE DOCTOR AND ACE COME OUT FROM BEHIND A TREE.

DOCTOR Just in time. Justin Richards. Dimensions in Time. LADY PEINFORTE AND RICHARD ENTER THE Time and the Rani. CRYPT. Time Crash. What? A SIGN READS, ‗DEATH IS BVT A DOOR‘ What?

INSIDE THE CRYPT. Death is BVVVVVVVVT a door.

RICHARD There‘s nothing here, my lady.

LADY PEINFORTE See the arrow. The statue‘s here, depend upon it.

OUTSIDE, THE CYBERMEN MILL ABOUT.

CYBERLEADER Now, our plan begins to operate. She will find that her crypt has weathered with age. The fact of her death will drive her insane. How conveeeeenient. BACK INSIDE, DEATH IS STILL BVT A DOOR.

RICHARD This is your tomb?

LADY PEINFORTE Rather fine, is it not? But where is the statue of Nemesis? (is it not?) It's actually a bit of a dump.

OUTSIDE WITH CYBERMEN.

LADY PEINFORTE (v.o.) Where is it?! Where?!

CYBERMAN Is this the human condition of madness, leader? No, this is just bad acting. Madness comes later.

CYBERLEADER It is. Kill them.

Page 38 THE CYBERMEN BEGIN TO MOVE.

LADY PEINFORTE (v.o.) It must be here! It must be!

BACK INSIDE.

RICHARD My lady.

LADY PEINFORTE It is here. The arrow tells me. How can this be?

RICHARD FIRES AN ARROW.

LADY PEINFORTE Where? Where is it?

OUTSIDE, THE CYBERMEN WALK TOWARDS THE ARROW, WHICH HAS LANDED IN THE GROUND. ONE CYBERMAN TOUCHES IT. THEY BACK AWAY. So now they can't even LOOK at gold.

RICHARD FIRES ANOTHER ARROW, WHICH STRIKES A CYBERMAN.

IN DE FLORES‘ VAN

DE FLORES ...and this was once the estate of the infamous Lady Peinforte, in the 17th century. Ve are lost, stop and ask for directions.

KARL Lady Peinforte? But, Herr De Flores, we‘ve seen a woman in 17th-century dress today. Firing arrows at us, and at the men of silver.

DE FLORES Shut up. Ass. THE DOCTOR AND ACE WATCH THE CYBERSHIP FROM THE TREES.

THE TWO GUYS WITH HEADPHONES ARE STANDING IN THE DOORWAY. We're not on the guest list, we'll never get past the ACE SNEEZES. bouncers.

THE GUYS LOOK.

THE DOCTOR RUSTLES SOME BRACHES WITH HIS UMBRELLA. AND MAKES A BIRD SOUND.

THE GUYS BEGIN TO WALK FORWARD, THEN RETURN.

THE DOCTOR SETS THE END OF HIS UMBRELLA

Page 39 DOWN.

DOCTOR I don‘t suppose you completely ignored my instructions, and secretly prepared any Nitro 9, have you? No, but I got some moonshine.

ACE What if I had?

DOCTOR Then naturally, you wouldn‘t do anything so insanely dangerous as to carry it around with you, would you?

ACE Of course not. I‘m a good girl. I do what I‘m told.

DOCTOR Excellent. Blow up that vehicle.

ACE, THRILLED GOES AWAY.

BACK WITH THE CYBERMEN

CYBERLEADER Destroy them. Destroy them!

THE CYBERMEN FIRE.

CYBERMAN We cannot sustain these losses, leader. We must withdraw. We can't sustain these DEVASTATING LOSSES! CYBERLEADER No, we must hold the statue, and take the arrow form them.

CYBERMAN If we are overcome the entire strategy will fail. The Cyberrace will cease to exist!

CYBERLEADER Your logic is correct. Their supply of gold is limited. Retreat! Run away! Run away!

THE CYBERMEN RUN AWAY.

BACK INSIDE.

LADY PEINFORTE Of course. Help me, Richard, it is in my tomb. Help me!

RICHARD COMES OVER TO HELP OPEN THE TOMB.

BACK OUTSIDE, THE DOCTOR COMES PUT OF HIDING.

DOCTOR

Page 40 Hello, I‘m the Doctor. I believe you want to kill me.

HE RUNS INTO THE TREES.

THE CYBERGUYS FOLLOW. Was it really better to have two guys protecting an open ACE WATCHES FROM THE TREES. door than to just LOCK THE DAMN DOOR?

THE GUYS ENTER THE WOODS. Yeah, tomorrow when I go to work I'm gonna leave the door wide open and hire two guys to stand guard. ACE RUNS OUT.

THE DOCTOR ‗HIDES‘.

ACE RUNS UP TO THE SHIP, AND THROWS HER BACKPACK IN, THEN RUNS OFF.

THE CYBERGUYS CONTINUE TO LOOK FOR THE DOCTOR.

ACE FALLS TO THE GROUND AND COVERS HER EARS.

THE SHIP EXPLODES.

ACE LOOKS ON SMILING.

THE SHIP CONTINUES TO EXPLODE.

DE FLORES AND KARL SEE IT AND DRIVE OFF. Vow, dat explosion was much bigger than ours, I am jealous. ACE SNEAKS BACK THROUGH THE WOODS AND Let's go check it out. Put on Kraftwerk, I'm tired of REJOINS THE DOCTOR. Wagner.

THE CYBERMEN MARCH FORWARD.

THE CYBER GUYS STAND WATCHING.

CYBERLEADER Betrayal. Kill them!

THE CYBERGUYS ARE KILLED.

ACE They killed them, just ‗cause I blew up the ship. Yup. (start quiet, get louder) Guilt. Guilt. Guilt. Guilt. GUILT. DOCTOR They were dead already. The Cybermen had transformed them. They were no longer human beings.

ACE Is that why the Cybermen saved my life, so they could do that to me too?

DOCTOR Probably. They were like people themselves before they

Page 41 turned into Cybermen. Quite a lot of human beings are trying to follow their example. Lumic.

BACK IN THE CRYPT, RICHARD REMOVES THE COVER FROM THE TOMB.

RICHARD My lady, where are your bones? That's a rather personal question.

LADY PEINFORTE What matter?

THE DOCTOR AND ACE WALK DOWN A HILL, AND STOP BY A FALLEN TREE.

DOCTOR Are we still jamming them? Ya, mon, we's be jamming!

ACE The tape‘s still running.

DOCTOR Good.

THEY MOVE OVER TO SIT BY THE TREE.

ACE TURNS THE SOUND UP.

DOCTOR Ahh, sweet.

HE PUNCHES SOME BUTTONS.

THE CYBERMAN STAND BY THE TREES.

DE FLORES AND KARL WALK UP TO THEM.

DE FLORES We want to talk to you. I don‘t know if you‘re familiar with Wagner‘s Ring des Nibelungen. Now we…we are the Supermen, but you…you are the Giants. They‘re (but you) are the Spidermen. wonderful creatures.

CYBERLEADER Of course, but why should we form an alliance with you?

DE FLORES Na na na na na na na na leader! We had a leader once. He predicted your coming. Now together, we shall fulfill his vision, and reign over this world.

CYBERLEADER Together. The Cyber race requires no help from humans.

KARL But a woman who is almost less than human now holds the (less than human) Ann Coulter?

Page 42 statue. "More human than human, more human than human" DE FLORES But she‘s armed with the most primitive toys.

CYBERLEADER You insult us! Apparently being insulted doesn't take emotions.

DE FLORES Of course not. Whatever your unfortunate vulnerability, doesn‘t affect us. We, er, can remove her for you.

CYBERLEADER We accept. Destroy the woman and her servant, and we will divide the planet into your slave groups, and ours.

DE FLORES Good.

CYBERLEADER But remember, betrayal will be fatal. We are invincible to your weapons. …Unless you have gold. Or say the word "gold". Or think of gold. DE FLORES NODS AT THEM

DE FLORES (TO KARL) Come.

THEY WALK AWAY.

THE CYBERLEADER GESTURES.

CYBERLEADER Once they have the arrow and the statue, destroy them.

ACE IS SITTING BY THE TREE LOOKING AT A BUBBLE THAT‘S BEING PROJECTED BY THE BOOMBOX.

THE DOCTOR WALKS UP. What's he doing?

DOCTOR Anything there?

ACE Why am I doing this?

DOCTOR That handful back there weren‘t the only Cybermen in the universe. We‘ve got to find out where the others are.

ACE Look, this is where the signal‘s being received, right?

DOCTOR Right.

Page 43

ACE But according to the scanner, there‘s nothing there.

DOCTOR Then the scanner‘s wrong.

HE STEPS ONTO THE TREE What's he doing now?

DOCTOR That lot were only the advanced party. Out there somewhere is the entire Cyber force, and they want the Nemesis more than anything else in space.

ACE How can you be so sure?

DOCTOR Because it‘s 1988. And Rick Astley is burning up the record charts!

ACE Huh. That makes sense.

DOCTOR Listen, Ace, the Nemesis generates destruction. It affects everything around it. I launched it into space, but unfortunately with an orbit that brings it back to Earth every 25 years. I mean, take the 20th century. IT appeared in 1913. Invention of stainless steel. ACE The eve of the first world war

DOCTOR 25 years later?

ACE 1938. Invention of nylon. DOCTOR Hitler annexes Austria.

ACE 1963? Invention of Tab cola.

DOCTOR Kennedy assassinated.

ACE 1988. This episode. THE DOCTOR NODS HIS HEAD.

DOCTOR Check the scanner again.

Page 44 SHE DOES.

DE FLORES AND KARL WALK THROUGH THE WOODS.

DE FLORES Unfortunately, Wagner must be rewritten. The Supermen must control the Giants. Only two illiterates stand between (control the Giants) The Patriots sure didn't. ourselves and the fuhrer‘s dream…Come.

THEY WALK ON

BACK AT THE CRYPT, LADY PEINFORTE GAZES AT THE NEMESIS.

LADY PEINFORTE How perfect you are. Immaculate beauty carved in absolute evil. Aw, thanks, you're sweet.

RICHARD But your bones, my lady, they should be buried. Or JUMPED! Heheh. LADY PEINFORTE What matter. They are dead, but I live, and soon I shall have the bow, and my Nemesis will be complete.

A BULLET STRIKES THE WALL, AND THEY DUCK.

LADY PEINFORTE We are attacked. Quickly, the arrows.

RICHARD We have but one left, my lady, and I don‘t think our arrows can stop these weapons anyway--

LADY PEINFORTE Nonsense! Make it count. They kill the silver creatures.

RICHARD See, lady we have no chance!

LADY PEINFORTE Nonsense!

LADY PEINFORTE They cannot take the Nemesis now. No, it is mine Not for nothing did I design my own tomb. Death is But a Door. I always knew I‘d cheat it. Here help me with the statue.

RICHARD We cannot lift it, my lady. We must fly. Flee! Flee fly flow!

KARL Put up your hands. Flying would be ostentatious.

LADY PEINFORTE

Page 45 Never!

RICHARD You want the statue, master. Here, take it! Take it! Are we REALLY not even to the end of episode 2 yet?

LADY PEINFORTE No! Leave us.

RICHARD And the arrow. See! Forgive me, my lady.

LADY PEINFORTE Unhand me now.

HE GRABS HER HAND AND THEY FLEE.

LADY PEINFORTE No.

KARL FIRES AT THEM AS THE ASCEND THE STAIRS.

DE FLORES No matter, Karl, no matter. They are of no importance. We have the statue, the arrow, and the bow. And I am as happy as a leetle girl.

THE STATUE WAKES UP.

KARL And the Cybermen? No, we don't have them.

DE FLORES Gold overcomes them. We have no such weakness.

THE STATUE MOVES AROUND SOME MORE, GRASPING THE ARROW AND HOLDING IT TO IT‘S BOSOM.

DE FLORES See how it prepares for life. Our first task must be to take control of the extraterrestrials.

THE CYBERLEADER COMES UP FROM BEHIND Behind you!

CYBERMEN Unfortunately, that will not be possible.

DE FLORES Keep away. I possess the entire statue of Nemesis. All power is mine. The life and death of everything in existence is in my hands! Aren't you scared?

CYBERLEADER Then, where is the bow? Beau Brummel? Beau Bridges? KARL AND DE FLORES TURN AROUND. DE

Page 46 FLORES OPENS THE CASE, TO FIND IT IS EMPTY. Oh noes!

BACK IN THE WOODS, ACE IS STILL STARING AT THE BUBBLE. Change the channel. Change it. Change it. Change it.

A CLOSE UP SHOWS NOTHING.

THE DOCTOR PONDERS.

FOR SOME REASON WE SEE A RED PLANET AND A Mars. STAR. Why?

THE DOCTOR LOOKS, AND SEES A LITTLE LIZARD CRAWL OUT OF A CRACK IN THE TREE. Geico can save you money.

DOCTOR Of course, it‘s so simple. They‘re shrouded.

HE CLIMBS DOWN. When you send a Nemesis into space, it cleans the cobwebs. Like scrubbing bubbles for the universe. ACE They‘re what?

DOCTOR Shrouded. They don‘t show up, but we must try and force them into revealing themselves. That could be considered sexual harassment.

HE PRESSES SOME BUTTONS AND KNOBS ON THE BOOMBOX.

DOCTOR Treble…Bass…Please let me be right. Are you listening? "Is there anybody OUT there."

HE FIDDLES SOME MORE.

DOCTOR Balance... Get the balance right.

SOME SHIPS APPEAR IN THE BUBBLE ACCOMPANIED BY ‗SCARY‘ MUSIC.

WE SEE A BUNCH OF SHIPS IN SPACE. The invisible enemy.

ACE What are they?

DOCTOR Cyber warships. Thousands of them, They were invisible. Thousands? I counted 21.

HE SWITCHES IT OFF. Turn it off, problem solved. ACE What can we do?

DOCTOR I think our best move is to go to the crypt, unarmed, with

Page 47 the bow.

ACE Professor, are you losing your marbles?

HE REACHES INTO HIS RIGHT JACKET POCKET AND PULLS OUT A HANDFUL OF MARBLES, WHICH HE DUMPS INTO HER HANDS. REALLY. NO, It's like we don't even need to be here, folks. I‘M NOT KIDDING, HE REALLY DOES THIS. THIS AIRED. ON THE BBC.

SHE LAUGHS.

DOCTOR We‘ve got to get the bow into the statue‘s hands in order to activate the validium.

ACE Is this the only way?

DOCTOR I believe in the direct approach.

ACE LOOKS UNCHARACTERISTICALLY SCARED.

DOCTOR You can always go back to the TARDIS. OK, See you later, don't let the Cybermen kill ya, kthanxbai! SHE GIVES HIM A GLARE, AND PICKS UP HER PACK.

ACE Are we going, or what?

BACK AT THE CASTLE, DE FLORES IS FIDDLING WITH A BAG OF GOLD DUST.

DE FLORES Surely … we, er … we can, uh, negotiate this … Uh, this Uh, what is my line again? misunderstanding?

CYBERLEADER Our understanding is perfect. You thought you had all three components of the statue, and naturally wished to destroy us.

DE FLORES You are completely mistaken. You are partially mistaken.

CYBERLEADER Si-lence.

THE STATUE MOVES.

CYBERLIEUTENANT Validium activity indicates proximity of the bow, Leader.

Page 48

CYBERLEADER Excellent. Kill them.

DE FLORES THROWS A HANDFUL OF GOLD DUST AT THE CYBERLEADER.

CYBERLEADER Aarrrrrrrggghhhhh! No emotion.

DE FLORES AND KARL MAKE THEIR ESCAPE BY STEPPING CASUALLY OUT OF THE DOOR. THE CYBERLIEUTENANT IS RIGHT BEHIND THEM He's getting away! Do nothing! WITH THE GUN…

OUTSIDE, THE MEN HAVE A LITTLE CHAT RATHER THAN RUN FOR THEIR LIVES.

KARL Herr De Flores!

DE FLORES Uh, Cyberleader said kill them, why isn't he killing them? You fool, they‘re going to kill us! He didn't say Simon Says?

KARL Your day is over.

DE FLORES You betray me? Have I taught you nothing?

KARL Everything. Which is why we now part company. I‘m afraid you fail to understand history in addition to Wagner.

DE FLORES I? "me mine, I me mine, I me mine"

KARL Supermen are all very well. But the giants are the master race.

THE CYBERLEADER EMERGES. KARL GESTURES TO DE FLORES.

KARL Here he is. Now make me one of you.

CYBERLEADER You show potential. Very well. Have them programmed at once. So he gets actual gold dust this time, and he's fine. Someone secretly replaced his gold dust with Folger's THEY RE-ENTER THE CASTLE. crystals.

CYBERLEADER We must complete the statue immediately. Locate the bow. Destroy the Doctor and his young friend. And make me some sammiches.

Page 49

ELSEWHERE, CLIMBING OUT OF A SMALL PIT (ADORNED WITH A RICKETY BIT OF FIBREGLASS SCENERY)...

RICHARD How is‘t with you, milady? Eh, I've had better.

LADY PEINFORTE I understand not.

RICHARD What‘s to understand?

LADY PEINFORTE Always I have treated you badly. I have done you no service, shown you no kindness, and yet you risk your life to save me. Why so? Urge to kill…falling. Falling.

RICHARD Should I not?

LADY PEINFORTE I do not live in the world of what should, but you are a good man, Richard. And I... am evil. Keff's on Ritalin here. RICHARD Milady, we have no more weapons.

LADY PEINFORTE Oh, you‘re wrong. I have one more yet that will not fail. My knowledge. I will have the statue of Nemesis. I live in Xanadu, with Gene Kelly and Olivia Newton John. MEANWHILE BACK AT THE DOCTORACE. If I don't get the Nemesis, I want a Red Ryder dual ACE carbide action range rifle with a compass in the stock! Doctor.

DOCTOR Ace?

ACE Look. Let‘s be honest, right? I never really bottled out of anything before, have I? But I‘m really, really scared, Doctor.

DOCTOR Oh, Ace. I‘m sorry, forgive me. Why don‘t you go back to the TARDIS. You‘ll be safe there, whatever happens.

ACE No chance, Doctor. No chance. Well, THAT feeling passed quickly. Damn teenagers. BACK WITH THE SILVERMEN.

CYBERLIEUTENANT

Page 50 The Cyberfleet are still not receiving our transmissions, They forgot to pay their licence fee. Leader.

CYBERLEADER Is there any pattern to the jamming signal?

HE PRESSES A CONTROL, AND THE SOUNDS OF CATERWAULING SAXOPHONE FILL THE CHAMBER.

CYBERLIEUTENANT It is meaningless! It sure is.

IT SURE IS. Unlike Wagner. Do you like Wagner? Ve do very much, I am listening to him now on my headphones. THE DOCTORACE APPROACHES THE CASTLE. THE SHOT IS REMINISCENT OF THE KNIGHTS IN HOLY GRAIL AS THEY GALLOP ACROSS THE FIELD.

ACE DOESN‘T NOTICE AS THE TAPE DECK REACHES AUTOSTOP.

INSIDE, A LIGHT CONVENIENTLY COMES ON AT THE CYBERMAN COMMUNICATIONS DEVICE.

CYBERLIEUTENANT Transmission channels to the Cyberfleet are clear again, Leader.

CYBERLEADER Excellent. Their arrival is imminent. (excellent) That stuff was awful.

DE FLORES You fool, without the bow the statue‘s power is nothing.

CYBERLEADER We will shortly obtain the bow.

DE FLORES From the Doctor? Don‘t delude yourself. He is no common adversary. Do you think he‘ll simply walk in here and hand it over?

THE DOCTOR WALKS IN THERE. a-HA HA HA HA HA! He's just walking in there and handing it over! DOCTOR Good afternoon.

CYBERLEADER Doctor!

DOCTOR Yes, here we are. I‘m sorry we couldn‘t have been here earlier but we got held up on the way. Um, I don‘t believe you‘ve met my friend Ace.

Page 51 CYBERLEADER Give me the bow.

DOCTOR Cyberleader moves pawn to discover check.

ACE Ace replies by neatly castling with the bow. UN-believable.

CYBERLEADER Give me the bow!

DOCTOR Doctor en passant behind Cyberleader. Doctor pats Cyberleader on bum!

CYBERLEADER Give me the bow!

DOCTOR Doctor supports combination gambit. Doctor spews more technobabble! CYBERLEADER Take the bow from him!

DOCTOR Middle game development with Cybermen.

CYBERLEADER Kill him!

DOCTOR End game. Illegal move, but – check mate! MORE chess? Sigh.

HE TOUCHES THE BOW TO THE STATUE, WHICH LIGHTS UP AND MOVES AROUND.

DOCTOR That seems to be in order. Run!

THE DOCTOR AND ACE EXIT.

DOCTOR The TARDIS!

ACE The statue?

DOCTOR Now it‘s awake, it‘ll follow the bow.

THE STATUE SLOWLY BREAKS OUT OF ITS COCOON. IT LOOKS RATHER LIKE LADY PEINFORTE.

CYBERLEADER WATCHES.

Page 52 THE STATUE RISES FROM ITS ―COFFIN‖ TO A HUGE ARRAY OF EXPLOSIONS AND SPARKS.

OUTSIDE, THE CLOUDS MOVE FUNNY.

A SCREAM IS HEARD ACROSS THE LAND. D‘OH!

EXPLOSIONS THROW FLAMES OUT OF THE UPPER WINDOW OF THE CASTLE.

NEARBY, LADY PEINFORTE STOPS.

LADY PEINFORTE Fear not, Richard. It is the Nemesis come alive. Or a woman plummeting from a great height.

RICHARD Alive?

LADY PEINFORTE Why, yes. (beat) Which means it is complete. (beat) And now, (beat) it shall be mine.

THE TARDIS IS SEEN DEMATERIALIZING.

RICHARD AND PEINFORTE STROLL LEISURELY ALONG A PATH. The hills are alive…

LADY PEINFORTE All power. All power past, present and future shall be mine. Why, I shall be mistress of all that is. Or what shall Now she's gone mad for no other reason than the be. Or whatever was. Yes. All! All!!! Cyberman said she would.

RICHARD Maybe she's having a woman's period. Milady, let us find some shelter. Thanks, Rimmer!

LADY PEINFORTE How dare you! I shall lead! And you follow! (mad Python singing) Doo doo d'doo doo!

BACK AT SHAKESPEARE‘S HOUSE. Why are they at the Brigadier's house?

ACE Hey, why are we here? What‘s going on, Professor? (a la dentist sketch) No, there's nothing going on.

DOCTOR Unfinished business. I don‘t want those to fall into the wrong hands... just yet.

ACE How‘s the game going?

DOCTOR Black‘s losing.

ACE What happens to these calculations?

Page 53 DOCTOR Bishop takes rook. Someone steals them.

ACE The same person who steals the bow? I mean, the same person who steals it in 1788?

DOCTOR How should I know, Ace? Questions, questions. Queen takes bishop.

ACE Who brought validium to earth in the first place?

DOCTOR But pawn takes Queen.

ACE What‘s really going on, Doctor? (fey) Tell us!

DOCTOR Checkmate. Black wins. Time to go. Take those gold coins, we may need them.

CHINA CRISIS IS SHOOTING A MUSIC VIDEO Hey, that guy's from China Crisis! NEARBY. No, it's Erik Estrada. MILADY AND RICHARD WATCH AS THE MUSICIAN GETS A RIDE FROM SOMEONE IN A FORD WHO PICKS UP POP STAR HITCHHIKERS.

THE CAR DRIVES AWAY.

LADY PEINFORTE We needs must walk, Richard. We have no carriage.

RICHARD We can avail ourselves of one of these steeds, Milady. I see the method. Sit you here and rest a while.

HE LEADS HER TO A BENCH SURROUNDED BY A STONE WALL.

HE TAKES A POSITION AT THE SIDE OF THE ROAD AND STICKS OUT HIS THUMB AND ARM AWKWARDLY. Aw cool, dude, you goin' to the renaissance faire too? THE FIRST CAR PASSES HIM WITHOUT SLOWING DOWN. Show some leg, dude. THE NEXT DOES THE SAME.

LADY PEINFORTE SINGS QUIETLY TO HERSELF. I THINK IT‘S ―HOW MUCH IS THAT DOGGY IN THE "How Much is That Doggy in the Window" WINDOW‖.

Page 54 AT CYBER CASTLE.

CYBERLEADER The Doctor must not lead the statue back to the rocket sleds. We will stop him. Rocket sleds? What the hell is he talking about?

CYBERLIEUTENANT NODS.

THE TARDIS HAS MATERIALIZED INSIDE THE HANGAR OR WHATEVER IT IS.

DOCTOR Ah. Now, the statue should be here any moment now. Everything depends on my final calculations. I can‘t get my figures wrong this time.

ACE It‘s okay, Professor, I promise not to interrupt you.

DOCTOR You are interrupting me.

ACE Sorry.

DOCTOR There‘s also another slight problem. The Cybermen could be here at any moment.

ACE Don‘t worry, Doctor. I‘ll look after you.

SHE BRANDISHES HER SLINGSHOT.

DOCTOR Aim at the chest panel. And I trust you remember my strict instructions never to cause any further explosions.

ACE I‘m a better person as a result, Doctor.

DOCTOR Good. We‘ll be ready for anything. You've got a little… booger there… got it. HE WIPES SNOT FROM HER NOSE.

ANOTHER CAR PASSES RICHARD.

LADY PEINFORTE All will be mine.

STILL ANOTHER CAR DOESN‘T SLOW.

WHAT LOOKS LIKE A LIMO OR JUST A BIG CADILLAC IS SEEN APPROACHING. LADY PEINFORTE STANDS AND TAKES A POSITION IN

Page 55 FRONT OF RICHARD, RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD, AND RAISES HER HAND.

INSIDE THE CAR.

MRS REMINGTON Uh, Cyril, honey? Uh, pull the automobile over. There‘s (honey?) Put the pedal to the metal and drive right over some people there who could use a lift. those two.

THE CAR STOPS BY THEM.

THE WINDOW ROLLS DOWN.

MRS REMINGTON Where are you folks headed?

RICHARD To Windsor, and it please you, ma‘am.

MRS REMINGTON It surely does, honey. Jump right in.

RICHARD LOOKS QUEASY, BUT HE GOES AND TAKES PEINFORTE‘S ARM. She wants us to jump in.

BACK AT CYBERHQ.

KARL GIVES THE CYBERLIEUTENANT A MILD PUSH, AND THE SILVER GIANT FALLS OVER. What the hell? What was that? KARL Herr Flores, your day is over.

DE FLORES Ha ha. You betray me, have I taught you nothing. Ha ha! Aw, why'd you take my headphones off, I was listening to KARL Wagner! We completely deceived them, Herr De Flores.

DE FLORES Even I thought for a moment we were finished. I am not afraid of death, only of failing in my duty. Or soiling my trousers.

THE DOCTOR CLIMBS OVER THE ROCKET ROCK WITH THE BOW IN HAND. JUST THEN, THE STATUE COMES SPINNING IN FROM THE FAR DOOR. Here she comes, spinning out of the turn…

ACE WATCHES FROM THE CORNER.

THE STATUE COMES TO REST ON THE ROCKET ROCK.

DOCTOR Now what? Ah yes, the bow, the bow. The bow is essential. You shall have the bow.

Page 56

THE STATUE TAKES THE BOW FROM THE DOCTOR.

OUTSIDE, THE CADILLAC DRIVES ON AT ABOUT 15 MPH.

MRS REMINGTON You must be parched from standin‘ in the sun. May I offer you a little refreshment?

RICHARD Thank you, no, madam.

MRS REMINGTON Oh. Are you folks, um, students? 40 year old students in fancy dress?

RICHARD Alas, I am but a servant and can not read or write.

MRS REMINGTON Oh.

RICHARD My mistress is of noble birth and has some Latin and a little Greek. …on the side.

MRS REMINGTON Well, you must be on vacation at this time.

RICHARD Go you far, ma‘am?

MRS REMINGTON Far? Oh, I just came over from London.

RICHARD Two days‘ ride. Yeah, at that speed.

MRS REMINGTON You'd think a Lincoln Town Car could do over 15. Well, no, heh, actually the traffic was pretty reasonable. I left about, let‘s see, um, forty minutes ago.

RICHARD Forty minutes?

MRS REMINGTON Folks from the South are nevuh in a hurry. As a matter of fact, I‘m here on a visit checkin‘ out my roots. I say I say.

RICHARD ‗Tis wise with crops this time of year, ma‘am.

MRS REMINGTON Oh.

Page 57 BACK AT THE HANGAR.

ACE APPROACHES THE STATUE.

NEMESIS I am beautiful, am I not? Welll… um… no.

ACE Yes. You‘re very beautiful.

NEMESIS It is only my present form. I have had others which would horrify you. I shall have those again. You are surprised I (horrify you) I once looked exactly like Ernest Borgnine. speak?

ACE I know you‘re living metal. (heavy metal head banging and gestures)

NEMESIS I am whatever I am made to be. This time, Lady Peinforte called me Nemesis, so I am Retribution.

THE WORDS HANG IN THE AIR. ACE LOOKS LIKE SHE‘S DIGESTING THE WORDS, WHEN SUDDENLY SHE BURSTS INTO A SMILE.

ACE Catch you later! I've now lost the will to live.

SHE DASHES OFF.

IN THE PIMP MOBILE.

MRS REMINGTON Well, my family came from around here. I traced them all the way back to the 1600s.

LADY PEINFORTE All things will soon be mine. Soon she'll shave her head and check into rehab.

MRS REMINGTON I guess they will, honey.

LADY PEINFORTE Time, past, present and future. Power invincible. Thanks for sharing.

REMINGTON LOOKS CONCERNED.

ACE RUNS TOWARD ANOTHER HANGAR DOOR.

THROUGH THE DOOR ENTER THE CYBERMEN, AND SHE SCREECHES TO A STOP AND REVERSES.

THE CYBERMEN FIRE, AND SPARKS FLY FROM THE WALL (THEIR APPARENT TARGET) AS ACE MAKES A MAD DASH FOR SAFETY.

Page 58 How to avoid getting shot by Cybermen? Hide behind SHE RUNS UP A STAIRCASE AS THE GUNS KEEP pipes or railings. They never miss those. FIRING BUT NO LONGER MAKE SPARKS. IT EVEN SOUNDS LIKE THE CYBERMEN HAVE ARTILLERY.

ACE LOADS THE SLINGSHOT WITH A GOLD COIN AND FIRES IT AT THE CYBERMAN WITH THE GUN.

THE POWERFUL CYBORG EXPLODES AND From a Raston Warrior Robot to a girl with a slingshot. COLLAPSES TO THE GROUND.

THE REST OF THE CYBERSQUAD COMES IN THROUGH THE BIG DOOR AND THEY SEE THEIR DEAD BUDDY.

CYBERLEADER Destroy the human female. Find and destroy her!

BACK IN THE CAR.

LADY PEINFORTE The secret of the heavens.

MRS REMINGTON Virginia is heaven, if ya ask me. My family owns a little (Virginia is heaven) Oh, shut up! land there. They used to own a little land around here, too. The Remingtons? Of Remington Grange.

LADY PEINFORTE And gypsies, tramps, and thieves again. I know them. Thieves and swindlers all.

MRS REMINGTON You study history?

LADY PEINFORTE Dorothea Remington did bribe away my cook.

MRS REMINGTON Oh. Well, now, let me see. Yes, there was a Dorothea…she died in sixteen…

LADY PEINFORTE Twenty-one. ‗Twas a slow poison.

MRS REMINGTON This is unbelievable.

LADY PEINFORTE Many found it so.

MRS REMINGTON Here I am drivin‘ around and I pick up someone who‘s researched my family tree.

LADY PEINFORTE I thought you were riding to Windsor! We ride to destiny.

Page 59

MRS REMINGTON PETA hates you. We surely do, honey. We surely do.

ACE IS CREEPING UP THE STAIRS.

A CYBERMAN IS THERE AND FIRES AT HER. NATURALLY, THE SHOTS HIT THE RAILING AND GIVE OFF SPARKS. SHE DUCKS.

FOR SOME REASON HE DOESN‘T FIRE AGAIN AS SHE COMES UP THE STEPS AGAIN, AND FIRES A Eat my shorts! COIN FROM HER SLINGSHOT.

BOOM!

CYBERMAN Aaaaarrgh!

ANOTHER CYBERMAN COMES FROM BEHIND HER And coming around the back turn it's ACE taking the AND BEGINS FIRING AS SHE RUNS AGAIN. inside! Here they come as she takes it into the back stretch… SHE COVERS A DISTANCE WHILE DUCKING, THEN TURNS RIGHT INTO ANOTHER ROOM.

BACK AT THE STATUE, THE DOCTOR IS MAKING CALCULATIONS.

ACE IS FINDING A HIDING PLACE IN A SMALL Watch out for Rutans. NARROW SPIRAL STAIRWAY.

SHE SITS DOWN AND DUMPS THE COINS OUT OF THE BAG TO RELOAD. Now is not a good time to count your money.

A CYBERMAN COMES CAUTIOUSLY AROUND THE CORNER.

SHE PLANTS A GOLD COIN RIGHT INTO ITS CHEST WITH THE SLINGSHOT.

CYBERMAN ArrrrghrghggggArrrghrghrr!

SHE PREPARES ANOTHER COIN.

THE NEXT CYBERMAN IS MORE CAREFUL, AND FIRES AT ACE BEFORE ENTERING THE STAIRWAY.

SPALL FLIES AT HER FROM THE WALL, AND SHE DASHES UP THE STAIRWAY.

BUT SHE HAS LEFT THE BAG OF COINS.

CAREFULLY SHE ATTEMPTS TO REACH DOWN AND RETRIEVE IT.

Page 60 THE CYBERMAN IS THERE, AND FIRES AGAIN AT HER, FORCING HER TO RETREAT WITHOUT THE BAG OF COINS.

DOWNSTAIRS WITH THE STATUE.

DOCTOR And now, we‘ll set the rockets for the correct projection. And then you‘ll be on course for the Cyberfleet.

ACE HAS MADE IT TO THE TOP OF THE STAIRS. IT IS AS HIGH AS SHE CAN GO – SHE IS ON THE CATWALK LEVEL. SHE LOOKS AROUND WITH A WORRIED LOOK ON HER FACE. Careful with that Steadicam, Barry. (it bumps) SHE BEGINS TO MAKE HER WAY DOWN THE I said be careful! CATWALK, YEAH, THE CATWALK, ALL THE WHILE LOOKING OVER HER SHOULDER. Ace is a model, you know what I mean, and she does her WAY DOWN BELOW IS THE TARDIS. little turn on the catwalk… on the catwalk, yeah…

WHEN SHE LOOKS UP, THE CYBERLEADER IS THERE IN FRONT OF HER.

CYBERLEADER Still!

ACE Why? You‘re gonna kill me anyway.

CYBERLEADER We detect only one more piece of gold.

ACE Correct. So who‘ll be next, and who‘ll be lucky?

SHE POINTS THE SLINGSHOT AT A CYBERSCOUT Episode break! ON THE OPPOSITE CATWALK, THEN THE LEADER IN FRONT OF HER, THEN BACK TO A THIRD CYBERMAN COMING UP BEHIND HER.

CYBERLEADER Kill her!

SHE LETS THE COIN FLY AT THE CYBERSCOUT, WHICH EXPLODES IN SPARKS. INSTANTLY SHE DUCKS DOWN AS THE CYBERLEADER AND THE OTHER CYBERMAN BOTH FIRE AT THE SAME TIME. THEIR SHOTS SAIL OVER HER HEAD AND Oh boy, are we stupid! HIT ONE ANOTHER.

CYBERMEN Aaararargghghgh!

THE CYBERMAN PLUMMETS FROM THE CATWALK AND CRASHES TO THE FLOOR FAR We're falling… we're falling…

Page 61 BELOW, NEXT TO THE TARDIS.

ACE MAKES A RUN FOR IT.

DOWN BY THE ROCKET ROCK, THE DOCTOR POKES IT WITH HIS BROLLY.

DOCTOR Ah. The rockets are now locked in to your destination. Now let‘s see how the Cyberfleet is progressing.

HE SWITCHES ON THE BOOMBOX, AND PRETENDS TO PUSH A BUNCH OF BUTTONS OR TYPE ON A Uh…okay. KEYBOARD OR SOMETHING.

THE SPHERICAL DISPLAY ABOVE THE BOX Flying monkeys! (cackle) COMES TO LIFE.

HE POINTS HIS UMBRELLA AT IT.

DOCTOR Right on course.

NEMESIS And I am to destroy the entire Cyberfleet? Oh what a giveaway.

DOCTOR Forever.

NEMESIS And then? Nemesis looks like she's ready to attend Last Day in Logan's Run. DOCTOR Reform.

NEMESIS You will need me in the future, then?

DOCTOR I hope not.

NEMESIS That is what you said before.

DOCTOR Enough.

NEMESIS And after this, will I have my freedom?

DOCTOR Not yet.

NEMESIS When?

Page 62 DOCTOR I told you when.

HE REACHES DOWN AND PULLS THE BOW OUT OF THE STATUE‘S GRASP.

DOCTOR Things are still imperfect. That's an understatement.

JUST THEN, ACE COMES RUNNING IN FROM OUTSIDE, AND TWO CYBERMEN WHO WERE APPROACHING THE DOCTOR TURN TO FACE HER. SHE SKIDS TO A HALT.

DOCTOR Stop!

EVERYONE STOPS.

DOCTOR Harm her in the slightest, and I will destroy this bow!

CYBERLIEUTENANT Give us the bow, Doctor.

DOCTOR No. Okay, how about the umbrella then?

CYBERLIEUTENANT We shall simply take it and kill you both.

DOCTOR Ah.

CYBERLIEUTENANT In any case, your threat was meaningless. How could you have destroyed the bow?

DOCTOR Well, actually, I would have arranged to have the bow neatly placed in front of the rocket sled. Okay, NOW I understand the rocket sled thing.

HE DOES SO AS HE SPEAKS.

DOCTOR Then I would have arranged for the rockets to test fire at a pre-arranged time. Heh. Oh, by the way, Ace, what is the time?

SHE LOOKS AT HER WATCH.

ACE Well… it‘s almost, erm…

HE HOOKS HER WITH HIS UMBRELLA HANDLE AND PULLS HER TOWARD HIM.

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JUST THEN, THE ROCKETS FIRE, AND THE CYBERMEN ARE ENGULFED IN FLAMES. Things that kill Cybermen: Gold. Fire. Cyberguns. Loose change. Stupidity. CYBERMEN Aarargghghrghrgrh!

UP ON THE CATWALK, THE CYBERLEADER PULLS THE COIN FROM HIS CHEST PLATE. SHUDDERING, HE STRUGGLES TO RISE. You shouldn't throw that away, it's worth something!

ACE Is that it, Doctor? Oh, no, not you again.

DE FLORES HAS WALKED UP.

DE FLORES The bow. We‘ve all succeeded in deceiving the Cybermen.

KARL PICKS UP THE BOW FROM THE FLOOR AND HANDS IT TO DE FLORES.

KARL They made the mistake of assuming all human beings to be weak. Corruptible. We, however, are loyal to the death. Which is why there are only two of us left.

DE FELORES GAZES DOWN AT THE STATUE.

DE FLORES Your long journey is over. You‘ll be worshipped forever.

THE STATUE DOES NOT MOVE OR MAKE A SOUND.

DE FLORES Doesn‘t she speak?

DOCTOR Not for the likes of you.

DE FLORES She will. Well, Doctor, we must part. And thank you for removing the Cybermen. And now, the Nemesis is finally mine.

BUT ONLY FOR A SECOND, AS HE IS SHOT IN THE BACK BY THE CYBERLEADER.

KARL ALSO GOES DOWN, HIT BY ANOTHER SHOT.

ACE I‘m sorry, Doctor. I thought I got him.

CYBERLEADER Give me the bow, or I will kill her.

Page 64 ACE GOES AND PICKS UP THE BOW. AND NOW, ENTERING STAGE LEFT, MADWOMAN LADY PEINFORTE.

LADY PEINFORTE All things. All power! Time! Space! The world! Things you find in Sears!

CYBERLEADER She is mad. She's had too many of Mrs Remington's mint juleps.

RICHARD Speak not of my lady so.

LADY PEINFORTE See. I am here. And you are here and we are all together, goo goo gajoob.

ACE What do you want?

LADY PEINFORTE My Nemesis. Nemesis allowed is not!

ACE You‘re too late. The Doctor‘s got it.

LADY PEINFORTE It is incomplete until it holds the bow. That may be given over to anyone. It will now be given to me.

CYBERLEADER No! To us!

LADY PEINFORTE You are nothing. Only the Doctor matters, and he is but a pawn in the game of my making.

ACE Listen, you old bag.

CYBERLEADER Enough! Stop humiliating the woman, geez!

ACE The Doctor‘s not just gonna give you the bow. Tell her, Doctor.

HE SIMPLY STARES. Wha - me? Sorry, miles away.

ACE Tell her!

HE SAYS NOTHING.

LADY PEINFORTE Doctor who? Have you never wondered where he came Nice title for a show. from? Who he is?

Page 65

ACE Nobody knows who the Doctor is. I do!

LADY PEINFORTE Except me.

THE DOCTOR LOOKS…WORRIED? CONSTIPATED? That's him! I've seen him on my telly vision!

ACE How?

LADY PEINFORTE The statue told me. The statue got me high.

ACE All right, so what does it matter? He‘s a Time Lord, I know that.

LADY PEINFORTE SMILES AND SHAKES HER HEAD.

LADY PEINFORTE Well, Doctor.

DOCTOR If I give you the bow?

LADY PEINFORTE Your power becomes mine, but your secrets remain your own.

HE CONSIDERS. Somebody say something.

DOCTOR It‘s all over, Ace. My battle. All my battles. I‘ve lost. I can only surrender.

HE TAKES THE BOW FROM HER.

LADY PEINFORTE Yes. Yes! No.

SHE HOLDS OUT HER HAND FOR THE BOW.

DOCTOR But not to you. The Cybermen will have the Nemesis. Is he the new Bachelor? HE TURNS AND HANDS THE BOW TO THE CYBERLEADER.

CYBERLEADER This is most rational, Doctor.

LADY PEINFORTE But I know your secrets.

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DOCTOR Very well, tell them.

LADY PEINFORTE I shall tell them of Gallifrey. Tell them of the old time. The time of chaos.

DOCTOR Be my guest.

LADY PEINFORTE Your secrets –

CYBERLEADER The secrets of the Time Lords mean nothing to us.

DOCTOR Exactly. Thank you for coming to the twentieth century and giving me assistance. Thank you for bringing the arrow. You may go now. Thank you for playing What's My Line?

LADY PEINFORTE Whuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut. She got a slow leak there?

DOCTOR You had the right game, but the wrong pawn. Check.

CYBERLEADER Enough, Doctor. Cancel the statue‘s destructive capability.

THE DOCTOR TAKES THE BOW BACK.

DOCTOR Thank you.

HE PLACES IT IN THE STATUE‘S HAND AGAIN.

DOCTOR Do you understand the Cyberleader‘s instructions?

NEMESIS Perfectly.

ACE Please don‘t surrender, Doctor.

HE SAYS NOTHING, AND PICKS UP THE BOOM BOX.

CYBERLEADER Prepare it for launching to liaise with our fleet. You have the position on this device. A new and final era begins, Doctor. Imagination, thought, freedom, pleasure…all will (pleasure) They all ended in episode 1. end. The earth will be transformed into our base planet. The new Mondas. Before I kill you, you may watch the (as he crushes tape) It's okay, I have another copy.

Page 67 arrival of our fleet. Launch the Nemesis!

ACE Let them kill me, Doctor. Don‘t surrender!

HE ACTIVATES THE ROCKET WITH THE TIP OF HIS UMBRELLA.

DOCTOR Stand back. It‘s ready for launching. She's ready for lunch?

LIKE A BOLT OUT OF THE BLUE, LADY Holy CRAP! PEINFORTE LETS OUT A HORRENDOUS SHRIEKING SCREAM. SHE WALKS QUICKLY OVER TO THE STATUE‘S ENCLOSURE AND GETS IN, LYING ON TOP OF THE STATUE. AS SHE Help me, I'm melting! CONTINUES TO SHRIEK, WRITHING AGAINST THE STATUE, THE TWO MERGE INTO ONE. FOR NO APPARENT REASON. Was that supposed to make sense?

THE ROCKET ROCK FIRES UP AND BEGINS TO MOVE. IT REACHES THE HANGAR DOOR AND LIFTS OFF INTO THE SKY.

NEARBY, THE DOTTY STEREOTYPED AMERICAN Isn't it cool how this all ties together? WOMAN IS TAKING PHOTOGRAPHS, AND WATCHES AS THE ROCKET HEADS OUT TO SPACE.

ACE Nice rocket technology, Doctor.

CYBERLEADER We will watch its progress. …on your boom box.

DOCTOR Certainly.

HE SWITCHES ON THE BOOM BOX.

THE NEMESIS HEADS OUT TOWARD THE MOON AND THE CYBERFLEET.

IT ZOOMS IN ON ONE SHIP AND APPEARS TO D'oh! IMPACT IT. THE SHIP EXPLODES, AND THE REST OF THE SHIPS BEGIN TO EXPLODE TOO.

CYBERLEADER This is impossible. You gave my instructions to the statue.

DOCTOR Yes, I gave your instructions to the Nemesis and it understood them. Understood them, and disobeyed them, and destroyed the Cyberfleet.

CYBERLEADER Then you will join them.

Page 68 Slowly. Very slowly. DOCTOR Worth it.

RICHARD MOVES INTO ACTION, PULLING THE STUCK ARROW OUT OF THE TARDIS DOOR, THEN PLUNGING THE GOLD TIP INTO THE Arrowed! CYBERLEADER‘S CHEST. Oh, THAT'S why the arrow didn't fall.

CYBERLEADER Aaarrgrhgrhhrhrghrrrhh! No emotions. HE ASPLODE.

DOCTOR That seems to be that. Thank you.

RICHARD It was nothing, Doctor. I wish I could‘ve saved my lady too, but she was one with your statue. How shall I live now? Stranded? A stranger in this time? A stranger in a strange land. Robert Heinlein, ladies and gentlemen. DOCTOR I know how you feel. However…

ACE We‘ll give you a lift.

DOCTOR Back to 1638?

RICHARD It‘s possible?

DOCTOR Anything‘s possible. Uh, can we go to 1637 instead, so I can, uh… THEY LINK ARMS.

AT THE COTTAGE IN 1638, ACE AND THE DOCTOR ARE SITTING NEAR A CHESS SET. Fenric!

ACE So you sent the Nemesis off into space to draw the Cybermen so you could finish them off.

DOCTOR I suppose I did. How clever of me.

ACE Just like you nailed the Daleks. He nailed the Daleks? What was that Dalek porn movie called again? SHE PROBABLY SHOULDN‘T HAVE POINTED OUT HOW SIMILAR THE TWO STORIES WERE, BUT THERE YOU GO. SHE MAKES A MOVE ON THE CHESSBOARD.

Page 69

DOCTOR As I said, Ace. Unfinished business. It's an unnaturally warm late November in England…

I GUESS HER MOVE WAS GOOD. HE TOPPLES ONE OF HIS PIECES.

SHE LIFTS HER RAY-BANS TO THE TOP OF HER HEAD.

ACE There‘s still one question you haven‘t answered. Just one?

RICHARD WALKS UP ACCOMPANIED BY A LUTE PLAYER.

RICHARD We have none of this jazz for of you speak, Doctor, but I think you will like this.

THEY START TO PLAY. Ah, my favorite kind of baroque. Straight luting.

THE DOCTOR SMILES AND WATCHES THEM.

ACE IS STILL LOOKING AT HIM.

ACE Professor? Doctor? Who are you? I'm Batman.

HE PUTS A FINGER TO HIS LIPS. Smell my finger.

THE DOCTOR – SYLVESTER MCCOY (ad lib time)

ACE – SOPHIE ALDRED

DE FLORES – ANTON DIFFRING

LADY PEINFORTE – FIONA WALKER

MRS REMINGTON – DOLORES GRAY

RICHARD – GERARD MURPHY

KARL – METIN YENAL

CYBER LEADER – DAVID BANKS

CYBER LIEUTENANT – MARK HARDY

CYBERMAN – BRIAN ORRELL

RON GRAINER KEFF MCCULLOCH DICK MILLS

GARY DOWNIE

Page 70 JUNE COLLINS JANE WELLESLEY LYNN GRANT JEREMY FRY

PERRY BRAHAN DAVE CHAPMAN JIM MCCARTHY

BRIAN JONES BARRY CHASTON ALAN JESSOP WILLIAM DUDMAN

HUGH PARSON BARBARA GAINSLEY JOHN CHARLES

IAN DOW JOHN NOTTAGE SCOTT TALBOTT

RICHARD CROFT DORKA NIERADZIK

ANDREW CARTMEL OLIVER ELMES CAL VIDEO

JOHN ASBRIDGE

JOHN NATHAN-TURNER

CHRIS CLOUGH

©BBC MCMLXXXVIII Best British Crap.

The end.

Right Side of Document ©2008 Steven W Hill

Contributors: Steven W Hill, Dennis Kytasaari, John Lavalie, Mike Olson, Robert Warnock, Rick Kellerman, Scott Alan Woodard, Dr Arnold T Blumberg, Stephanie Blumberg.

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