Silver Nemesis Mt337 200801
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SILVER NEMESIS By Kevin Clarke Mysterious Theatre 337 – Show 200801 Revision 6 By the usual suspects Transcription by Robert Warnock and Steven W Hill With additional work by Scott Alan Woodard DUN DE DUN GALAXY GRAPE NUTS A BLUE BALL OF TARDIS Oh no, the TARDIS is caught in a time bubble! FACE His face is silver, he must be the silver nemesis. No, he's the Tin Man. GOOFY CARTOON LOGO Doctor Who - the cartoon! ‗SILVER NEMESIS‘ Doctor Who - the refreshing soft drink! BY KEVIN CLARKE (Part one) Oh crap, this is more than one part? A JEEP PULLS UP OUTSIDE OF A VILLA, AND (A-Team theme) THREE GUYS GET OUT. A CAPTION READS, ‗SOUTH AMERICA, 22nd (Before caption) Where are we? When is this? NOVEMBER, 1988‘. (After caption) OK. Thanks. THE JEEP DRIVES OFF. INSIDE, THE CAMERA PANS ACROSS A TABLE THAT‘S COVERED IN WHAT APPEAR TO BE NAZI ARTIFACTS. Because Germans ONLY listen to Wagner. WAGNER (WHAT ELSE?) PLAYS IN THE BACKGROUND. Kill the wabbit, kill the wabbit! THE CAMERA STOPS ON KARL, WHO IS SITTING IN Doktor Jones? FRONT OF A BBC HOME COMPUTER, TYPING. That's like three words per minute. THE MONITOR READS ―LANDING LOCATION- WINDSOR-GRID REF 74W 32N-NOVEMBER 23 1988‖ THE MESSAGE FLASHES ON AND OFF SEVERAL I hate Illinois Nazis. TIMES, MAKING A BLEEPING SOUND. OUTSIDE, DE FLORES STANDS ON A BALCONY NEXT TO A VICTROLA... A PARROT SQUAWKS. WE SEE THE PARROT ON A BRANCH. You again! I'll teach you to steal my Froot Loops! DE FLORES PICKS UP A HUGE BOW AND AIMS FOR THE POOR BIRD. The validium booooow! Not yet, not yet! WE SEE THE PARROT ON THE BRANCH AGAIN. Sorry. Page 1 PHEW! KARL Herr De Flores. Herr De Flores. DE FLORES LOOKS MAD. He's got too much hair growing out of his ears. KARL WALKS UP PAST SOME PALM TREES. KARL Wonderful news. The new Wagner recordings have arrived from Amazon. THEY BOTH GO INDOORS THROUGH SEPARATE DOORS. CAPTION, ‗WINDSOR, ENGLAND, 1638.‘ When things were rotten. LADY PEINFORTE. WITH RICHARD BY HER SIDE HAS A SMALLER BOW AND ARROW. SHE LETS THE ARROW FLY. Boioioioioing. IT LANDS NEAR SOME PIGEONS. Just like shooting pigeons on the ground. SHE TOO LOOKS MAD. RICHARD Very good, my lady. SHE WALKS AWAY. INSIDE, A KETTLE BOILS ON A FIRE. NEARBY, A 'cuz soup is good food. BALDING MATHEMATICIAN MUMBLES TO Poker? I hardly knew her! HIMSELF. MATHEMATICIAN Then go to—oh, yes. Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Shakespeare's past his prime. LADY PEINFORTE WALKS DOWN A HALLWAY, WITH RICHARD FOLLOWING BEHIND. THEY ENTER THE ROOM WHERE THE MATHEMATICIAN IS WORKING. LADY PEINFORTE How much longer? RICHARD How come he's wearing a raccoon? He cannot hear you, my lady. Shall I…? LADY PEINFORTE Leave him. I‘ll have time enough to punish his impertinence when he‘s finished. (whiny) But I wanted to do it NOOWWW! LADY PEINFORTE AND RICHARD MOVE AWAY FROM THE TABLE. LADY PEINFORTE GOES TO THE FIREPLACE, AND PICKS UP AN ARROW, HANDING IT TO RICHARD. Page 2 LADY PEINFORTE Put these with the others. RICHARD HESITATES. LADY PEINFORTE Are you so feeble? The poison cannot harm unless the arrow‘s tip should break the skin. Let who will steal my (break the skin) Like THIS! gold. RICHARD TAKES THE ARROW. RICHARD And the silver arrow, my lady? Second place. LADY PEINFORTE Leave that to me. SHE PICKS UP THE AFOREMENTIONED ARROW LADY PEINFORTE Are you sure the potion is well mixed? Shaken, not stirred. RICHARD On my life, ma‘am. I guarantee it. Don't call me "ma'am" on the bridge. LADY PEINFORTE Good. We await but the calculation. Perhaps the fee will speed matters Don't count it until we're gone. (Music cue) You are the weakest link, goodbye. BACK AT DE FLORES‘ HUMBLE ABODE. DE FLORES WALKS INTO A ROOM WHERE A MAID IS SERVING SOME GUYS IN ARMY FATIGUES It's the Boys From Brazil. DRINKS. No, it's Brasil '66. DE FLORES Gentlemen, I wonder if even you can fully appreciate what And that must be Sergio Mendes. this moment means. We are standing now at the turning point of history. The day of fulfillment of our mighty Gentlemen, do you like Wagner too? destiny is about to dawn. Fifty years ago I stood at the side of the Fuhrer himself when he order the first giant step to Now, let us hum. (Ride of the Valkyries) greatness. Just as now the moment approaches for the second and final one. It will be decisive, but his time... Hey, some of those guys aren't blonde! This time we must not fail. DE FLORES REACHES OVER AND TAKES THE Ah, Zima. GLASS THAT THE MAID IS OFFERING HIM. More Kool-Aid please! OH YEAAAAAAAH! DE FLORES Gentlemen, I give you the Fourth Reich! GUYS The Fourth Reich. Three, sir! Page 3 THEY RAISE THEIR GLASSES, DRINK, AND THEN L‘chaim! SET THEM ON THE TABLE. KARL Herr De Flores, the aircraft is ready. DE FLORES We leave at once. HE WALKS OVER TO A GLASS DISPLAY CASE. THE ―ARMY‖ GUYS EXIT. HE TAKES THE VALIDIUM BOW FROM THE CASE, Ooh he has one of the rare Hasbro "My First Compound" AND WALKS OUT WITH IT. KARL FOLLOWS. bow and arrow sets! There, finally! The validium boooooowwwwwwww! THEY WALK SOME MORE, AND KARL PICKS UP A METAL CASE. HE CARRIES THE CASE OVER TO DE FLORES, AND It doesn't fit! SETS IT ON THE TABLE. DE FLORES PUTS THE Just jam it in there. BOW IN THE CASE AND KARL CLOSES IT. (closes case) Ow! WE SEE AN ASTEROID WITH A JET MOVING Meat. Farting rock? THROUGH SPACE. Mmmmm. Flying cookie. Num-num-num-num-num. Too many plotlines! A FACE CAN BE SEEN PEERING OUT OF A TRANSLUCENT OPENING ON THE TOP OF IT. BACK AT LADY PEINFORTE‗S RICHARD My lady, there is but the final ingredient for the liquid (final ingredient) Rich chocolaty ovaltine? wanting. For that I was thinking… MATHEMATICIAN My lady. Lady Peinforte, I‘ve finished. (Peinforte) where aaaaaare yoooooou? LADY PEINFORTE You have the answer? MATHEMATICIAN Yes, my lady. 42. 337. LADY PEINFORTE Quickly, then. Tell me! (stage whisper) That man is wearing a doilie. MATHEMATICIAN The comet, Nemesis, will circle the heavens once every 25 years. LADY PEINFORTE It takes just THREE licks to get to the center of a tootsie Yes. roll pop. MATHEMATICIAN Page 4 I-It‘s trajectory however is decaying. This means… Yes, Chatterton, er, Chesterton. Hmmm? LADY PEINFORTE When will it land? MATHEMATICIAN Uh, i-i-i-it will circle ever closer, until finally it once again strikes the earth at the point from which it originally departed. In the meadow outside. Great! Now tell me where the WMDs are. LADY PEINFORTE When! MATHEMATICIAN When? Oh, yes. Yes of course, when. On the twenty-third He doesn't think it unusual that this comet departed from day of November, in the year of our lord nineteen hundred the meadow outside? and eighty-eight. (old guy voice) I even took into account the calendar DISSOLVE TO THE SHOT OF THE CAMERA change in the future. RAMMED UP THE BELL OF COURTNEY PINE‘S SAXAMAPHONE. THE QUARTET INDULGES IN SOME HORRIBLE JAZZ NOODLING-THINGY WHILE THE CAMERA PANS ACROSS A BUNCH OF PEOPLE SITTING AT TACKY PICNIC TABLES WITH UMBRELLAS. IT FINALLY STOPS ON THE DOCTOR AND ACE, WHO ARE SITTING AT A TABLE SANS UMBRELLA. ACE I could listen to them all after noon. Whereas I've already had enough. DOCTOR And so we shall. ACE PICKS UP A COPY OF THE DAILY MIRROR WITH THE HEADLINE, ‗METEOR APPROACHES ENGLAND‘. Subtle. Very subtle. Not. ACE Have you seen this? Charlton‘s picked up three points. DOCTOR This is my favourite kind of jazz, straight blowing. Whatever you say, Doc. A BLEEPY SOUND IS HEARD. THE DOCTOR FUMBLES FOR HIS FOB WATCH. ACE Oh no, not the fob watch! I hate people whose alarms go off during gigs. DOCTOR Je-thu-yes... S-s-s-o a reminder. Page 5 ACE Go on then. Even he thinks digital watches are a pretty neat idea. DOCTOR Well, obviously at this precise moment to remind us to remind us to change course for another destination. ACE Where‘s that? DOCTOR I‘ve forgotten. Oh, we‘ll have to go back and find out. ACE Oh, Professor. THE DOCTOR GROANS, AND THEY GET UP TO LEAVE, JUST AS THE NOODLING STOPS. THE CROWD APPLAUDS. ACE WALKS UP TO COURTNEY. ACE Excuse me, would you mind signing my tape? You gotta love a band that signs their bootlegs. COURTNEY No, not at all. ACE Thanks very much. COURTNEY Thank you. HE BEGINS SOME GROOVY SNAPPING AS ACE ALL (Snap fingers) WALKS AWAY. DOCTOR Don‘t you find it embarrassing asking for autographs? ACE Not as embarrassing as forgetting what you set your alarm for. Oooh, BURN! DOCTOR Well, I probably arranged it centuries ago. Can‘t be important. AS THEY WALK OFF, THE END OF A SILVER GUN POINTS AT THEM FROM BEHIND A TREE. SOME BULLETS FLY OUT. ACE Doctor! Page 6 DOCTOR Get down! Or run! Your pick! THEY DIVE FOR COVER, HIDING NEAR A TINY TREE. ACE Who are they? DOCTOR I didn‘t see. Quick, the Tardis! SOME MORE BULLETS FLY. Why do they aim at their feet? THEY RUN ACROSS A BRIDGE AS SPARKS FLY, AND THEN DIVE INTO THE WATER. TWO GUYS WITH HEADPHONES WALK ONTO THE It's Dan Murphy and Dan Murphy! BRIDGE AND LOOK INTO THE WATER.