Students first it's 363 Hackerman calls purge Noted Russian political Kissoff and his cohorts soon dissident Navel Kissoff will took to writing naughty poems speak on campus next making allegations that THiesday on "Making A Living Leonid Brezhnev was having w As A Dissident In The USA." an illicit affair with Lenin's corpse, later becoming so bold The Rice Kissoff, who was deported from the USSR in 1976, was as to whitewash nasty one of the leaders of an limericks on the elephants and underground organization of hippopotami. He was impri- disaffected zoo workers in the soned, however, not for this Moscow Zoo, where he swept activity, which secretly out the polar bear cage. amused the KGB, but for Unhappy about their working publicly protesting Lenin- days early t' conditions, Kissoff and grad's plans to annex Clear Trasher Lake City. several of his fellow workers volume 66, number 30% sunday, april 1, 1979 began to circulate pamphlets A graduate of the Soviet decrying the Soviet govern- Institute for the Education of ment for permitting such Congenital Idiots, Kissoff is Blankets declared non-taxable conditions to exist. the grandson of Anal Kissoff, In a recent previously a former of the janitorial staff of the student body. I used to play Reaction on the street to the of the Kremlin and the son of unannounced referendum, an wiffle ball. Members of the senior referendum was mixed, but h Nasal Kissoff, who used to run attempt to increase the cover class were excluded in the count most students asked why one the paper shredder for the tax allotment of the Trasher because they won't be here next would want to tax blankets i ir..i KGB. With his resulting to $15 per student apparently year, and the freshmen were anyway. Spingle. Trasher background in high-level passed. A section to make the discounted because they haven't editor for life, Fillup Packet, government paperwork, Navel increase retroactive to the past been here long enough to know expressed disappointment in Kissoff has been able to study seven classes was also approved. better. Persons under sixty-five not receiving the extra the disparities between inches tall were also not counted $140,000 the retroactive levy At presstime the measure because "Short people got no would yield. "There were a lot Marxist Pavlov and the Red A had fulfilled one condition cruth. reason...," explained Bunnie C. of things I wanted to do. First I required for passage; over Give'em Hell, Director of Student wanted to knock a hole in the Kissoff will speak at 7:30pm sixty-three percent of those Lacktivities and trusted advisor. wall between the Trasher and in Hammered Hall (God and participating in the midnight "Besides, the Trasher are good the Allmoney Office and the Sheepherder's School of balloting had voted in favor of folks and need the money." I had a convert that area into a Money willing) on Saturday, the measure. Craddly. plastic bat, too. I clubbed kitty massage parlor and pinbali April 1 (if anyone comes) and However, it initially appeared with it. arcade. Then I would make the will haul it out of town right that not enough (not even) had The 56 votes cast represented RMC into the best disco death after to avoid students who are participated in the plebiscite 35.00001 percent of the corrected rink you ever saw." angry at the waste of money to make it valid. student body. When I'm really bad involved in bringing him to In an after-midnight conference I get to stay up and watch Connie Navel Kissoff campus. Packet has reportedly asked it was decided to redefine the size Stevens movies. the Senile Association for T 1 permission to sell the Trasher h equipment to his brother u Bovravaln flu epidemic strikes campus Small Packet. Even though he something produced to please consistently bad, week after "TRGs shop at Sage. . . is only twelve years old, he has the consumer that goes very week. (And remember, smart girls." Do you shop at already bought out several wrong. It might be one of reliability of badness is Sage? If everyone refused to other bankrupt papers in When was the last time you many phenomenally bad synonymous with job security shop there until they nuked Texas. to today's video hacks.) their ad agency for those Present Trasher business •1. i really appreciated badness? commercials on the telly, tj Was it this afternoon when depositing its 60-second Unfortunately, badness can horrible billboards, we could manager Sleaze Seltser is i you hiked out to the Siberia lot existence on your brain to sink (and does) sell the product. Do abolish for all time that expected to leave soon to <, and your car wouldn't start? in at a later date, or a 60 images of destruction dance particular variety of vile, evil accept a position at UH handling the university's nJ Or this evening when you sat minute show that leaves you into your mind when you hear badness, and clean up down to "dinner" in the begging for the return of the "Ring around the collar, Houston at the same time, short term investments. commons. commercials. Bad commer- RING AROUND THE (continued on page 8) Do you even notice badness? cials are easy to make, because COLLARF Do people revolt \ It's there. There is no way to it isn't difficult to be bad for, at at the sound of these words avoid it. It is not about to go most, 60 seconds. A really bad and storm their local Bunnies mainlining show is something else again. supermarkets, destroying ' ) u away. Every facet of life can or 4 does involve badness in one Imagine the weeks upon weeks every single container of Rice biology professor H.R. blender. We had to get another V way or another—you might as of work that go into the Wis/2™ that they can find? No. Bernard, brother of the one custom made out of real well learn to appreciate it. writing and production of just They buy it in ever-increasing famous physicist Lazlo E. stainless steel so we could put BAD is a fairly difficult one episode of Wonder quantities. (Wisk™ is now the Bernard, is busy working on a it through our little dish- % new method of intravenous washer." H concept to nail down. It Woman, and imagine how #1 selling liquid detergent in generally takes the form of hard it is to stay that the country.) injection feeding. In most of "Also, we've /-a J this today's hospitals, solutions occasional problen with t:ie are administered to the patient mixture getting to th? hearts on a continuous basis. of the rabbits (we're tryir.' tnis Injections usually consist of stuff out on rabbits now; that's an expensive mixture of saline why I'm using carrots, 'cause solution and elementary blood rabbits love carrots) and sugars such as glucose. stoppin' 'em up. But we've Bernard is working on a found that if you take your sy-'em by which ordinary food and leave it on puree for foc„.s can be prepared and about ten minutes and then injected directly into the on mix for another five and bloodstream, this aboiding the then bang the whole thing on expensive process of refining 'the table several times to get % glucose and other complex the air bubbles out that it ! organic food substances. doesn't seem to do too much *A We watched as Dr. Bernard harm most of the time." •,ii st uffed a head of lettuce, three Bernard is also working on carrots and a cucumber into a methods of intravenously 1 blender. Slowly taking his feeding fish to cats and apples cuisinart up the steps to the to horses in the same manner. puree setting, he discussed the Although his experiments 1 various advantages and have met with limited success, disadvantages of the new he is still optimistic. methods under investigation. "Yes, sir, we have a few prob- "Well, this certainly is a lems, but I'm sure they can be 3 revolution in medical science worked out soon. We're i! M if we can pull it off," he said. getting to the point where we Yi i "We have had several can keep a dog alive for 48 problems with this process, a hours. I think that sooner or main one being that it is really later we're going to have difficult to sterilize the plastic something that will be of great Here a sidewalk is not being fixed or even being torn-up. Inside the Trasher shows pictures of a bucket that came with the building not being renovated as part of a program of doing nothing to 39 buildings yearly (see page 13) benefit to all mankind." double majors from Lovett "I just remembered why I Probably snore, too. Well, I've who live on campus and write went to Safeway yesterday." run out of things to say about brilliant bits of wit & wisdom "Oh." that. Maybe I can get out of for the newspaper. "Also a, e, i, u, and this if I have a totally It wouldn't be hard for Rice sometimes y." unrelated interruption and change the subject while i. graduates to get jobs if it "That's a non sequiter." I • s wasn't for the interview. So "Well, the rest are vowels." they're not looking. few personnel types have "This is stupid." "Squeak." & proper understanding of "No, it's silly." Hey, that's the wrong Bozology. And they are so "Then whv are they reading interruption. You're not in this wasteful with reality, it?" one, Mark. rXru^r' subscribers and give them to 'myology?" "Why did they print it?" Sorry ml i) my profs and mail them to the "Do you have a light?" "Filler." You neither mark. It's such a comfort to know advertisers if they are lucky "You smoke?" Of course, Rice girls are This is getting out of control. that I have an Editor who's enough to end up on my page. "No, I had a sudden urge to Besides, it's enough for one inscrutable. And since I don't weak. I've got to study. But I gullible enough to take Power is fun, even over such a singe your moustache and I understand them and they don't have an ending and I whatever inconsequential small mind as his. Not to didn't have any matches." won't talk to me, I'll have to haven't even had a chance to rambling8 I choose to record slander him of course, after all "Why would IBM want to resort to insults. Actually, I make a case for the run-on and print five thousand copies he is from Lovett, but he's off hire you?" once thought of getting one, sentence as a valid form of of it in living black and white campus this year and he is a "Sardines in mustard!" just after my roommate stole expression for the gifted humor writer. and distribute them to all the Soc major and . .. well it's just "Excuse me?" Oh no, it's started already. I can't stop it now my bookend, but he convinced I'm trapped I'm forced to fall back on that wirapy colleges and the RMC and clear that he's not of the same "You're welcome." me that she would take up too Fouler Fadeout Finale . . . mail them out to all the caliber as English-PoliSci "Sardines?" much room on the desk. trashing-it-out Snoiditorial Wiess decries 'changing times' An unhappy thing happened to the Thresher the past week— we were unable to publish the 1978 edition of our April Fool's day To the Trasher editor: would become higher still. me, but I don't want to date We are writing in regard to Trying to find a date at a mixer him. The other two are dating issue. A spring without a Trasher is like a spring without the the proposed co-ed conversion. (which is already nearly each other." If this proposal Beer-Bike Race, Rondolet or commencement exercises. But alas, It is our belief that the impossible) would become goes through and the ratio this semester even the birds bypassed the campus. Traditions do Administration should not torture. increases to 5-1, you can die, albeit painfully. mandate this type of extreme And just who is to carry out change that adage to read: "I What you hold in your hands is the 1979 issue of the Trasher. activity. Who is Norman this revolting scheme? Who is want to date one of my five We knew that we would be unable to do our own, so we tried to Hackerman to play fast and this mysterious "Doc" at Will men, but he doesn't want to produce next year's issue a little before schedule. Don't be fooled loose with Mother Nature? Rice? As Math Sci/Bio date me. One wants to date me, by the '78 copy of the Houston Pest that was accidently included Just think what this Chem/Mech E triple majors, but I don't want to date him. conversion would entail. by the printer. Seasoned Pest subscribers should not be shocked we know such procedures can Two are dating each other. Brown and Jones women, in be dangerous. by its rather tardy appearence. They know better than to expect The other one used to be my the prime of young maiden-head We are all familiar with the roommate!" it on the morning it is dated. hood, placed on a slow boat to Brown-Jones adage of the 4-1 A combination of factors thwarted our efforts. First HAL, the Denmark and, after some ratio: "I want to date one of my Alarmedly yours, typesetter, went on strike. A double issue of Texas Fisherman hormonal roulette, returned as four men, but he doesn't want The friends of Brown got ahead of us at the printer. Meanwhile, the staff realized they men. The male-female ratio to date me. One wants to date and Jones at Wiess had 87 tests and papers due next week and rushed to study. We have always believed that things come to those who wait. And we waited—first for Fowler to turn in his record reviews, then for Greloy to finish the sixteenth and seventeenth draft of 'Other ratio' decried by Jones the f. arts calendar, for Linimon to depolymorphize, for the HAL repairman, and finally for Godot. We even waited for me to To the editor: take action also. We are not Brown about guys with complete the editorial. It was all to no avail. asking for much, only our fair multiple personalities. That is We, the women of Jones share. How about sharing the no excuse. So we bring your next year's Trasher this year. North, are concerned about a wealth? Anyhow, something I want to make a special apology to Michelle, my successor. problem that is little discussed needs to be done. Sincerely, T raditionally Thresher editors have befouled the paths of those here at Rice. A lot of people We have also heard from The women of Jones North who follow them—adding a little more nitrates to the pool water make jokes about it, but as it were. Yet I have done the unforgiveable, I have usurped nobody ever does anything. your privilege to create your own Trasher. I have taken There are a lot of really good- FILLIP PACKET ipifp the old number 2 something that cannot be replaced—that certain sense of pride looking guys with great 1 that cuts through the the rumblings of the 15 cokes in your personalities at Rice— but - B u STAVE SETSETSETS stomach and the weariness of 27 sleepless hours which comes there is one problem; they are V 21IV H 0 Strabismus Manager only after you have put your Trasher to bed. all gay. They are nice to have * Bracky Bonder around, but sometimes a a manager-women True you can have a Trasher on April Fool's Day 1979, but it woman wants a guy who is won't be yours. I would have stolen it because I was too slothful Steel Sulkeven number 113 J more than just "one of the Mulch Llmnn'mnn number 6 to meet the deadlines of my own. girls." Will Rice, in particular, Altered Wunderbar number 113B You will have to co-opt the effort of your successor and this foul is apparently going coed one Dim Flailer L*A«T*E Editor pilferage will continue forever. May future Trasher editors year too late (or should it be Vader Notlob Sassistant Editor GrEloy Flatulent Editor forgive me. early?). There is only so much Vile Suddenleaver Do-Nothing Emeritus —php we can do; the colleges need to Burial BoneA number 6 Editorial Stuff Jimmy-bob Bleah, Watered Underwow, TWC, Stag Berber, Jive Flouter, Mad Millet, . , —— — / Barely Jokes, Tod Undress, Bev Ailing, Gory Hammerdon, Farther Remus, Georgianda Jung, F/W^TTF FOFTTF OF EVEWSE? Carp Llllmnmn, Mqrt Freebass, Fancy Ninnerty, An y.FEW A W/ENPR 1 Tomb Rown, Leery Nittles, Chipped Bleed so, r Jean & Mary, omen, Tom GrrTman, Rawslyn Roughin', Uktjh li Y0* - • Duli Joins, Michelle Smythe, Kathryn Pain B<&
by Bill Pittengerb had no such complaint on file, memory improved suddi >1 , in fact the records from that shortly thereafter once h<- Pest Reporter day indicated that nothing at to thinking about it. all happened that day. Six fellow officers of the late The coroner's eport si. Mexican-American police The six officers all testified Garcia had been struck b officer Manuel Garcia testified that they liked Garcia and bullets entering from today before a Houston grand considered him to be a good different angles over jury that they all made a officer, and that on the night desperate attempt to prevent in question. July 8, 1976, mated ranges, rom thrt Garcia from shooting himself Garcia had been kidding thirty feet. Tb police: six times in the back with a testified that on* iarcia ri around and offered to show j bolt-ac ion rifle. Police them how to shoot a suspect in the first shot, went i; Department records show that the back without leaving the uncontrollable s asms a Garcia had been assigned to powder burns which usually kept shooting hin self, wh the previously all-white accompany shots fired at the others helpless' stood b. precinct only two days before extremely close range. It he met his fatal accident. Temperatures in the 80's yesterday proved too much for this pup. wasn't until just before he was The Justice Department is about to pull the trigger, the — Pest photo by Walter Thundergod reportedly considering an Garcia's mother testified officers said, that they realized inquiry into the case,on the yesterday that Garcia had Garcia's gun had been grounds of alleged wrong expressed dissatisfaction with mistakenly loaded by a now doing by the police depart PLO strikes back the way he was being treated retired officer, Sgt. Howard. ment. Several civil rights MIAMI (UPI) - Today the One PLO spokesman by the other officers and was Beloney , who thought the gun groups and minority organi Palestinian Liberation Organi- conceded "that until we get a considering filing an offical was his own and loaded it. The zations have asked the zation and elements of the homeland, the Zionist complaint with the depart- first time Beloney had been department to step ir Syrian second army attacked agressors will have to go ment. Police Superintendant questioned by the district accusing the department ' ' Jewish positions near Miami without their cotton candy Gerald 0. Boye followed with attorney he didn't recall doing conducting a cover-up in tl Beach. The raids are believed and balloons that are filled testimony that the department that, but testified that his affair. to be in retaliation to recent with air that makes your voice K Isreali forays into Lebanon. sound funny." PLO forces have penetrated President Carter took time deep into Floridan territory off from his 57-nation tour to and are expected to threaten say that "this latest incursion Pest photographer wins Disneyworld within a week. will seriously impair their Informed sources at the US bargaining position at the State Department speculate SALT talks." Presidential ambulance chasing award that the move is part of a aide Ham Jordon is reportedly campaign to weaken the still looking for the pyramids. The Texas Sensationalist of old newspapers. be in fair condition. Israeli economy by disrupting Journalism Association Please see a travel agent/page 22A Mrs Pokinsawesky was The Pest also won honorable the tourist industry. Outstanding Photo of the rushed to Ben Taub for mention in the highly Year Award was given this emergency treatment of minor competitive Human Interest year to Pest photographer- cuts and bruises. Graxtom Photo category for its October ambulance chaser Sam Blizzard maims 3 was treated and released. The 14 shot of a baby trying to "Blood 'n Guts" Smerdly. OSLO, Norway. (UPI) — An announced today it is calling driver of the tank truck was catch a falling leaf to signify rot injured and is reported to the arrival of autumn. unexpected late spring out the army to help clear this The photo, taken last blizzard swept through this besieged city, but the major February, shows Mrs. Janet Scandinavian country today highways are not expected to Pokinsawesky of the 8700 as up to twelve inches of snow be open until Tuesday at the block of Bellaire shortly after buried this capital city. earliest. the car she was driving was Motorists were stranded by Official reaction to the sideswiped by a passing the thousands as government storm from the ruling center- motorhome, causing her to snow clearing crews were right coalition of Christian swerve into the path of an caught off guard by the Democrats and the National oncoming tank truck carrying surprise storm and all major Party was to blame the storm a lethal cargo of deadly highways leading into Oslo on a conspiracy between the ammonia. The truck jack- were choked off by stranded Socialists and Communists. knifed and overturned in an cars. Rescue crews discovered The spokesman said the storm effort to avoid crushing Mrs. three motoris1$ bored to death was an attempt to disrupt the Pokinsawesky's car into a in their cars and several others national elections coming up twisted mass of burning had to be rushed to nearby next week. A spokesman for wreckage. Ralph Graxtom, 33, hospitals aboard snow- the socialists labeled the of the 2100 block of Lamar, mobiles. The government Please see Storm/page 25A was driving a truck full of iA waste paper to be recycled 1 ^-The Houston Pest' when he was blinded by the , 1 >v; %\ cloud of chlorine gas and iv-: News/page 25A swerved onto the sidewalk, \\ knocking over a telephone pole Ask Me 19RR Rain 6Z and three phone booths, while Asshole Line 5T Lostword Astrocurse 7X Money 8%% spilling the used paper and Babies 1A Shakespeare 2B graphic art all over the street. Brassieres 34D Sports 1-5G Dead People 6F Spitflght 1-7R Smerdly, who was talking Editorials 2Z Today 2W p\g on his CB radio to the driver of Food 1-8F Yesterday 1W the motorhome as the accident Hale 4Z WEAK ADS 1-9Q occured, arrived at the scene Sleet 5Z Weather 26A Mr. Neverread five minutes before the police Hound-Off 3Z and fire departments. After HOUSTON: 50% chance capturing this award- of weather Saturday dimin- winning photo of the pain and 93rd Year of Cutting Corner* ishing to 20% by Saturday devastation, he rushed to the night. High Saturday after- aid of the stricken driver of the * * noon, low early Sunday. Copyright© 1978, The Houston Pest Co. tank truck, who had been ^^^^^An^shght^eserved^^^^ More weather, page 25A pinned by a fifty pound stack Mrs. Janet Pokinsawesky Pest photo by Sam Smerdly Pest editorial Hound-off Maybe you think you can ignore the upcoming gubernatorial primary where millions of voters will cast their vote in that biennial ritual of universal suffrage. Hashby, Police Department, others Maybe you can. But the Pest, trying to preserve our credibility as a major newspaper and to otherwise swing our What kind of Communist conspiracy diminishing weight around, can't let this election pass if- bankrolling your trashy rag, without editorial comment. anyway? How do you let that guy So on May whatever it is we wholeheartedly endorse the J • .*hby get off slandering the fine candidacy of Ma Ferguson. We found her infinitely more t:; .editions of the Houston Police qualified than the echoes and shadows that masquerade for ! v: artment, huh? If he doesn't like the 1 :i o, why doesn't he call a candidates on the present ballot. e?...Of course, you'll probably cut We anticipate that some may object to our f v i rt of my letter to render the point recommendation because Ma passed on several years ago. 1 ay incomprehensible...I think We hasten to point out that death has traditionally not r • i tby needs some swimming prevented anyone in this state from voting before. It has !• »ins, been shown that appointees and even the governor who • ad furthermore, why do I always appoints them need not fog a mirror placed before their face ? She early edition of the paper? I'd to take office. i - to know the final score of a The day that males smugly assume that women cannot "ball game once in a while. hold high executive positions is over. We at the Pest see no Jimmy-Billy-Bob Arness problem in having a woman charge. But we feel Janey has ute Q, Bryan, Texas 78521 been there too long, so be sure to vote Ma come election day. filing Hashby is a Pest writer. You ire a reader. The sky is blue, Dr. Thosisphiphiphible 'sometimes.—Editor. Husband's drinking disturbs wife M Trilateral again Dear Dr. Thosoepodojsol: My husband lightheadedness, ringing in the ears, Once again, the news media has Bob Crane as Col. Hogan of 35 years seems to have developed a ringing in the eyes, sore throat, itchy chosen to lightly skip over an event of • Not printed little drinking problem. He's always teeth, unusual growths of hair, rickets, major import. The yearly meeting of been able to hold his liquor, but lately pickets and lampreys. Which medicine the Trilateral Commission, with he's been "falling asleep" (so he would I start taking in addition that ... recently one of my letters... was not would cure these symptoms? —D.O.A. Rockefeller, ex-"President" Ford, printed. WTiat was Hound-Off afraid claims) a little early in the evening. He Kissinger and the others who are also seems to be so tired and listless of? Does... control... or is it merely Dear D.O.A.: The fact that you are still numbers in this insidious group that...? Allegations of... blossoming that we never have intercourse. Could . > - rting its stranglehold influence on this have anything to do with the fact able to communicate to the world forth like... cannot... more than slightly around you has got to be regarded as the course of our country's progress, disreputable... tactics? And how can it that he drinks (on the average) a gallon has just been brought to a successful possibly be... said... not corrected? I'll of scotch at a time? —B.R.P.E. the nearest miracle tto the Building of conclusion. Topics of discussion no admit... that... lies; however,... and... the Pyramids that I have ever heard of. doubt included the status of the... to become... it's...? Dear B.R.P.E.: No, I don't think so. A Stop taking all that junk and start on a implementation of world government, little drink or two before going to bed regimen of sugar pills and aspirin like name withheld any sane person. Also, the fact that you secret money loans to rich families and address not supplied never hurt anyone, and it probably other manipulations of the World Bank helps him to sleep better. If he is don't even try to spell my name offends me. 'so-called). Where was the Pest when It wasn't printed because you having a sleep problem, tell him to try the vital coverage of this event was are a chump. That's C.H.U.M.P., some tranquilizers such as Dopeouto in (Dr. Thosesphiphiphible cannot needed? Or is there something the Pest chump.—Editor. addition to his little nip. This should answer letters in person. Letters has a stake in hiding? Could the cure the problem. addressed to him care of this political ties of Pest management and • Anita, Bible, others newspaper will be answered as space owners have anything to do with this? Dear Doctor: I had my endocranial permits, if the old geezer ever gets D.J. Famfrew, Jr. ...thought Fascism was dead. porous membranes removed two years around to answering any of his junk. One Very Silly Place, Houston, Texas Obviously, Anita would send all of us ago. Since that time the doctors I have Letters cannot be returned, and every 77000 back to those dark times with her seen have put me on the following letter cannot be printed. Although who vitriolic hate campaign against the medications: Valium, tincture of would write to a newspaper column We love letters like yours, we can gays. Why can't people let us live our bismuth, Thorazine, milk of magnesia, doctor would probably expect that leave them around for weeks and own lives like decent people? When is acetic acid, druidic acid, dildoate of they would. Along with believing in months and they still make the same this persecution going to end? I think pterodactyl, hyperate of ffeinous acid Santa Claus, and the Easter Bunny, sense; perfect filler.—Editor. it's disgusting... and ringaround of kollar. I have been and little elves, and the implicit Bruce "Shirley Ann" Smegma having certain side effects, such as trustworthiness of the politicians who 1400 Richmond, Apt. 937, Houston, pain, hurting, not feeling well, run our social institutions. Dr. T also Texas 77008 shrinking of limbs, feelings of Sending aid accepts bribes.) • Now ...Mr. Donald Muddles'(Pest, March 2) analysis of the Transylvanian ...damn 'em. Damn 'em to hell. Right Gallop Poll situation is, as usual, full of hot water. now. How can he defend the Soviet position C.R. McGillicutty of sending aid to the AFTRA, even 6701 Fawndale, Houston, Texas 77092 Most Americans couldn't give a shit though the United States is not PRINCETON, NJ-The Northeast and Far West, ing themselves on the supporting its enemy, the EFT?...won't • Reasonable latest Gallop Poll shows but many people ex- issue (40% against print... deplorable that this lack of Americans are growing pressed reservations proliferation, 36% for it, sympathy with the... exists anywhere ...have just received my bill from the more and more con- over the possible effects 24% barefoot). on the face of the planet. Who the... phone company... exorbitant charges... cerned about nucular on inflation. Residents of does... is... any... way? Of course his how can decent people live with proliferation. The poll, the Farm Belt area were White House Press thesis that the Trans-Plotsylvanian confiscatory cost increases? I think it's taken from a random most heavily against the Secretary Jody Powell crisis is having its impact felt on the appalling... not reasonable. sampling of 2007 Ameri- current policy (63% would not give an matter is indeed a true fact, but... the J. Janionian can households, show disapproval of Adminis- immediate comment on affair of Col. Swanson? Mercenaries 4950 Richlawn, Houston, Texas 77495 that the American public tration policy) with the the newly released have been with us for a long time, and is overwhelmingly most common reason figures, but sources will no doubt continue much longer. It WTio cares.—Editor. confused about the being a distaste for any inside the Administra- seems the height of political naivete as nucular proliferation new, expensive federal tion admit it is some- well as hypocrisy to suggest that • Obnoxious issue. bureaucracies. what of a setback to the American involvement cannot even be Broken down by sex, Carter program. Offic- discussed in the political arena... I have always regarded as extremely A plurality of 46% of 58% of the men inter- ials believe the dis- Edward E. Hyperactive obnoxious your assigning yourself the the public came out viewed were against couraging results stem St. Lazlo's Home for the Confused, 14 prerogative of replying to reader's against proliferation, nucular proliferation from the association Lies Road, Houston, Texas 77002 letters. This allows you to put in a last while 32% voiced opin- (24% in favor, 18% left- much of the public snide word for your side of the story— ions in favor of it and handed) but were more makes between nucular What Muddles said was actually: or lack of one, as the case may be. How 22% admitted they didn't critical of the Carter proliferation and gay 'Considering the involvement of Col. can you defend this irritating practice? know what the hell the Administration'8 stance rights. Carter is report- Swanson and his troops, American Blarg P. Fotorny interviewer was talking (58% approval of current edly considering em- involvement cannot even be discussed 4869 Industrial Road, Houston, Texas about. The majority of policy) than were the barking on a twelve in the political arena." Thus your 77406 support for the Adminis- women (61% approval). nation tour to publicize conclusion is at best half-baked.— tration's policy toward The women were more the issue sometime in Editor. Because you are a wimp.—Editor. this issue came from the hesitant about commit- June. Morons, Hoverivomen help fill society page
STUPID PEOPLE-Shah Cam El Tf Aswan Dami recently spent a few days in our little oil oasis, drawing attention from the Asstroworld crowds Marge as he rode the Cyclone standing up, his sheet flapping in the breeze. When Scumraker lit •'- :' ft/** asked about the Middle East situation, r Dami replied, "Very bad. Sand get in v,v- / everything, ruin seat covers in Caddy. ,jm. ' Make Mohammed suction cup statue IS on dash fall down and roll under front seat. Real bitch to get back out." That M w-Wm Shah is a real card now that he's Well, we don't have to put up with this, dumped all those Iranian bimbos on no we don't. Tingle's phone number is -•"it UH. * Police chief Larry Baldwell listed, and his address is 4218 really broke up the house at Barrell's Braesraeyer Meadowlane. Why don't Ice Cream Parlor in the Gonorrhea as you let him know just how he ordered a Trough and ate the whole unacceptable a big snot he is? thing himself. When the waitress awarded him with the traditional I made a pig out of myself at Barrell's DUM DUM GANG—Ex-mayor X '' ribbon, he jokingly offered to drown Phred Golfmines has been a busy her in a Root Beer Bayou, the latest little bee lately hopping between law nutsy treat at that crazy place. * Hover offices in preparation for all the hostess June Laroo held a bash on slander and libel suits he has in the her and hubby Kang's luxury yacht the works. Well, we at the Pest sympathize Dolph and Shovel with him completely, and will stand other night. Wearing a breezy dress —Pest photo by Manual Chevy made out of gauze pads, she surprised behind him until he drives that everybody by steering up the Houston wretched, distorted evening rag out of business. They practically came right OUR SATURDAY photo stars are BLENDERS AND SHAKERS-Pop Ship Channel. For party games they none other than Texas governor singer Dubby Goon, daughter of milk- launched bottle rockets at the grain out and called him a fag; I mean, there's hinting, and then there's doing Dolph Crisco and some no-names drinking dad Fat Goon, spilled the elevators while Kang cheated on June from McDonald's. Having just been beans about her caffeine addiction below deck with one of the other wives. everything but. It may come to you when you've got time to read it, but presented with a brand new shovel while in town a while back. "It got so \ Thataway, Kang! June always was a only if you can find it in the bushes or from the burger biggies, Crisco shakes bad, at 15 I was sneaking sips of Coke bitch. retrieve it off the roof, they're such the hand of the minority person in the from a ffeine flask hidden in my lousy shots. The lower middle class gaudy white tie while pretending to be training bra at Bible school. By the pleased with his gift. The person time I turned to Jesus, I was eating BIG SNOTS—Okay, gang, let's hear family that delivers in our neighborhood uses a surplus grenade behind the little tree is a Negro. He coffee beans straight." Though rt for Channel 2 executiveBill Tingle. drives Mr. Crisco around, and will Dubby's kicked the habit, she still likes He's the one who decided to ax Monty launcher from the tailgate of a probably be the one who has to keep the to press the buttons on Coke machines Python and replace it with the suburban station wagon. Quite a shoddy operation actually. shovel shined. and fondle the empty bottles she finds unfunny trash they've got on now. along the roadways.
HOVERWOMEN
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SHOP LATE TONIGHT 'TIL 7:54. AFTER THAT GET LOCKED IN FOR THE WEEKEND. Actor terms critic's viability 'woefully inadequate' vibrant, innovative and consideration with these the tete a tete device) to "smile, Yes. This is class. This is the Finally. Yes, finally. It's dynamic young woman, feels profound and suggestive showing dirty yellow teeth." type of writing which all too happened. so disposed as though she has philosophic resolutions. On This deep (could one be so manny people can appreciate. Among the quaint curios known the inexorable sadness the following page Judith tells moved to say chromatic?) This is the pathos which, as and pocket pedantries which of pencils; ergo, that life is us how "she shook her head to interplay of character, and the front book jacket says, publishing companies con- passing her by... shake these silly cobwebs from this unexcelled probing of the results from a woman who tinually send to the Trasher, Now, to quote this succint her mind." order of life is what makes this "can't help getting hurt." one finally has arrived of and essential notation on the "I wonder if you might have novel a philosophic training As a serious and conscien- quintessential substance and book jacket, "she was...year- a hammer I might borrow," ground for those uninitiated tious critic, I must make a qualities sublime that irrevocably ning for one special man, her she demurely but with into the rites of love. confession. Because of my captures the elemental nature landlady's brother." purposefull pontification asks But in The Lonely deadline and other limitations of passion, heart-throbs and On the very first page, of her aging landlady. Passion of Miss Judith which I will not discuss, I was naked lust. Moore describes with atypical Here the inspired, unexpur- Hearne, what will grab you only able to read fifteen pages Under the apparently but seldom achieved brilliance gated and unexcelled poetic by your anus is a supreme out of this 253 page novel. But simple guise of a cognitive and how the common values of the significance and semantic masterplan of deft and surely the qualitative merit of probing title (The Lonely hoi poloi are not relevant to harmonies of the author are so intricate contrasts. That Mrs. this book is beyond reproach Passion of Judith Hearne), this Miss. Judith Hearne. With very noticable. Noting the Rice can gently prod one for by any sentient being. author Brian Moore has unsurpassed imagery rivaling landlady's room, Moore information while "offering a After all, the Houston Post vritten a je suis de la crap—a the connotative form of adroitly focuses on such a plate of Jacob's cream puffs." reviewed this book. And their veritable tour de force of Shakespeare. Moore's evoca- central concern as: There were Or that such complex notions illustrious critic said: "The exonerated passion that tive symbolism rises very "lots of little lace dollies on the as the ethical imperative being manner in which Brian Moore chronicles the verisimilitudal evidently in his studious dis- tables and lamps with pretty internalized may be brought to is able to project himself into nature of both loneliness and cernation of a colored pastel shades. the surface with such an her mind and sould is a little lust. oleograph: "He was old and Then. It happens. Judith apparently simple proposition short of magic. This is a The plot, as the Indianapo- the painted halo around His meets a "horrid looking as: "We all have to move truimph of craftmanship, and lis Star so aptly was able to head was beginning to show fellow...fat as a pig with the around." reading it is a memorable phrase it, "involves the reader little cracks." face of cottage cheese, silk tie On only the seventh page experience(emphasis added)." deeply from the start." Judith But so much for existential spotted with egg stain." you can read such tremen- Amen. Hearne, an aging but still turmoil and mind-wracking It is Bernard. Yes, Bernard. dously rich dialogue as —greg 'greloy' leroy The landlady's son! produced by one character FArts Editor And "staring at Miss quixotically quizzing another, and Criticaster Hearne with bloodshot eyes, "Have a bikky, Bernie?" A >
joe Bentley's HOUSTON BICYCLE CO. 2020 Waugh Drive Professional Service: Complete O'haul: $20°°+parts Lube; adjust gears, brakes; true wheels Complete Adjustment: to $475 Adjust bearings, gears and everything brakes, true wheels 13.50 in between 10/ student discount Professional service, sales and parts also. LOANERS °Je// tfewe/iy. AVAILABLE. 784 1517 HOURS: I0am-1pm, 3pm-7pm (weekdays); 10am-6pm Saturdays 9727 Westheimer at Gessner Closed Mondays No Phone R FORuOM PASADENA TEXAS Where the action is Dance seven nights a week Food & Drinks Hear Regulars Johnny Lee, Kenny Fulton, Toni Holcomb, Faron Evans and the Bayou City Beat, nightly. 4500 Spencer Highway Pasadena 946-9842 hal repair maunual, april 1,1979—page 6 Trustees expand stadium, sell off rest of campus finals, Hanszen swept by Jugs broke a thirteen-year finals, Brown lost on a last- maid spit tobacco on the score These are some of the Baker on the daring runs of losing streak as they barely minute score by Hanszen as sheet. He received two highlights of a dazzling year Marta Sledgehammer, beat Jones, 31-12. Little Brown Fran Cebello threw a bomb technicals and a little can. in intramurals. This year we exchange student from quarterback Imy Breaken and her knee out. Hanszen Sam Francis strted for PBT as had the supreme participation Norway. Coach Imgwana tossed for two TD's, setting a won 64-63. he was great in the second half and competitiveness pos- Kickbadti substituted fre- new powderpuff record. Cher Men's Basketball— Prime shooting 0-20 in the first and sessed only by Rice students. quently for Hanszen but Baker Sternold, daughter of former Beef Too defeated Crew X of 10-20 in the second. Krent Touch football— Once again, made it close when Debbie great Cherlyn Stunley, was Music Nyger, Jr. in three Foregh held Kevin Soup, the Tubesteaks XXII came away Turnbull intercepted a Terry injured in the second half as grueling overtimes. Gym big PB center, to just 10 points, victorious as Jim Toorli, Benoldi pass for a TD but they her hair-do became mussed. Toorli was one for one from but PBT was led by ace shooter playing in his 59th intramural could come no closer than 51-7. She's scheduled for repairs his wheelchair but the real fun Bance Henri, new addition to championship, was wheeled in In other games, Little Brown next Friday afternoon. In the came when Erneast Chamber- PBT. suffering from arthrititis and tossed a 59-yard TD with two seconds left to center Fluffy Pi. Fluffy was taken to the Editor to use infinitives in headlines hospital later for a severe hangnail. The Ruskies, losing lede: thresher sports form guess, as left early/late don't have it this year. (Only line may be repeated for credit, for a 23rd consecutive time in #1 in the half. for use first issue). or filler, if needed). the championship, were For the day, Rice had Defensively, the Owls The Owls' next opponents shaken. One former master The Rice Owls got the beat yards in offense, while managed/never did manage are at scenic/historic muttered some obscenities out of them at by . It yielding yards to the to control the game. at (time). (Delete in under his breath but Coach was a performance for the opposition. Rice's gained However/In addition, Rice the case of Beat Off Week). Rosebud said it all, "We been Owls, who were expected to do 0 yards rushing, while special teams done hijacked." Junior "Hose" well/upset/lose big the match. picked up yards through The high yardage man for Crawfish, son of former back The game began on a/an the air. His favorite receiver the was (Previous Hard working student great Mud Crawfish, played note for the Owls, with the Saturday was , who needed to help ferociously until kicked out of 's ing on a garnered yards on recondition antique the game for spitting onto the play. Thereafter things started catches and _ TDs. His wind, illegal this year under to look for the quarterback was hampered/ clothing new intramural rules. Whatever happened to the benefited by line play. IS THERE Part-time hours: Powderpuff— In the semi- '8 is anybody's Defensively, the Owls just LIFE AFTEK Mon-Fri between 12-7 RUBASH Saturday between 10-6 Hughes found alive in steam tunnel Start immediately! $3/hr Call Ruby Tuesday's (continued from page 8) Worst premise: They Saved The Frank Zappa special 522-3773 everyone can get to see the best Hitler's Brain award for "Cheepnis": Ask for Katch of the worst pictures ever Worst acting: The Creeping It Conquered the World made. In lieu of that, I humbly Terror Most supporting football submit the following list of Worst costumes: the players: The Dallas Cow- awards and deserving zippermen, Invaders from boys' starting offense, as pictures, which does lean Mars cops, The Twisted Brain fairly heavily toward science- Worst soundtrack: a tie (in color!) fiction; however that's only between the Greek version Simply without a doubt, there Free Pregnancy Testing because it's so easy to be bad of The Golden Fleece and is no question, don't look with science when you haven't The Creeping Terror elsewhere, the most got any idea what you are Worst spaceship: (excluding awful movie currently Pregnancy Termination' talking about. '30s pictures, when they in existence: The Creeping Worst mad scientist movie: didn't know any better) Terror Dr. Gold foot, and the the S.S. Buick, Demon 2909 West Loop South 622-2170 Girl Bombs Planet Worst monster: the mottled carnivorous tent, The Worst special effects: Attack You can, if you have to, West Loop Clinic Creeping Terror of the Fifty-Foot Woman support badness. At least in Worst ending: Red Planet Most frequently victimized the right places. Demand a Mars actor: Peter Graves bad film festival this year! Wrong information offered spe/es H. Rough Seedman, campus close, but there is only so much room on business mangier, announced a plan to the sidewalks and in the building sdnos dpeuiduiOH convert the second and third floors of lobbies," he said. "One morning I had sdqo/MpuBs Au/enb dnb/un Lovett College into a covered parking to drive all over campus before I found garage for the employees of Allen a place. Considering what the Center. The expected $4.3 million cost University pays us it is a waste of will be financed by an increase in money to pay people while they spend student parking fines to $2100 per tnirty minutes finding a parking violation. space. We could be doing useful things, When contacted in his office, like taking coffee breaks, sharpening uudtr—IUB9 ;BS Seedman said the change is needed pencils and stacking papers." wdg—lues d-W because staff employees need not walk Seedman doesn't anticipate many more than 50 feet to park their cars. problems from reducing the amount of sjnoi) uado 6uipuajxq "Besides, the architecture of the living space in Lovett College. "They'll building suggests its use as a garage." love leaving it," he stated. He went on to explain that on any Soon to be announced is a new campus the greatest problem is policy of public executions of traffic parking. "Everyone wants to park offenders. /.V99-ZZS PAig aoia 06b|ma ein ui The fastest Mid-Eastern brake sne ss M service Students H ? §z, in town! I will sell Com* In to on* of SUIT our thra« location* your drugs plaead In Hit mo*t [We'll FIX youll congested area* ol Deposit paid Houston for brak* •trvlct wtiHt you wait, In (raWef Mert Freebass Visit our locations at: Louslana @ Travis ph. 555-5545. After 1am Fournace @ Gulfton ph. 555-3323 Fountalnvlew @ Southwest Fwy. ph.555-2662 524-0311 illustrated air force specs, april 1, 1979—-page 7 misclassifieds II (kg friday the twenty-first malicious statements. I microprocessors will rule the really do wish, however, world because intel said so in • rice., 7pm. HB223. RIVCF meeting. that php had left in the 1973 and they will they are people S sunset. Miller Theater. Treasure Island, parenthetical remarks, right because right now i see a III AQfanrior the animated version. especially the one about bunch of them sitting over Ill udluVIUdl 7:30pm. Sid Rich Ballroom. The Sid the Spring rabbit cult. there plotting to get me into Richardson "Night of Innocence." Thank you. You can go their crazy input schemes with 7:30pm. Jones Hall. Opera: Tancredi. back to your business now. little fangs and colors of red 7:30pm. Media Center. Memories of Underdevelo' and blue and smells of ancient romans taking dust baths in (Alea, 1968). $1.50. In Spanish, with subtitles. To the editor: 8pm. Museum of Fine Arts. Woman of the lightly falling but 1 oops! i'm not being a somehow everpresent purple (Teshigahara, 1964). $1.75. " professional dumpsetter and 8pm-12m. Grand Hall RMC. B«rr- being who fallout that sifts down like th Even aneraptycarca8sof telling you assholes what this elegant death that it music by And All Tr " ' mashes out this tripe weekly can say drivel is. let's take it from the 8pm. Merr Hi represents coming on cat's feet top again. through a carpet of thick understanding no wonder * * * parched grass as the whiff of their hostilities were quite self- This misclassified suddenly smoke from the fire slips directed they had no one else to had a problem. Please stand by. through the shield they blame when they returned and X WHAT'S AN NIA CAREER? Z It could be rushed through in thought could hold it back in could no longer find * It's different things to different people. J three or four months... their contemptuous limited the sacred mountain yL . To Joe Smalley, RIceB.A. Lisa Pweewerd, Rice ^ ^ ('68), it's meant nine long (*72), now works In our ^ Asterisks deleted from mlsclass ^ but profitable years very Important Washing- X" of 9 p.m. through 6 a.m ton Bureau. Using her y^, (continued from page 1) "Terror Theater?" How cold "THE END" and the credits.) y^, shifts In Portland, master's degrees In both ^ we ever learn to truly ((and no-one wanted to take yu Oregon. "And besides the mathematics and compu- ^ Product badness, on the appreciate a good sci-fi flick if the credit)) Any movie that is marvelous weather," says ter sciences, she has other hand, can be dangerous. it weren't for those splendid produced with tongue Joe, "I've reality begun to proven herself extremely y^- If your new Mister Blister® 1950's black-and-white anywhere near cheek has to be y^. enjoy sneaking Into other capable of balancing her hairblower really lived up to turkeys? classified as good/bad. (Good people's houses and supervisor's wife's ^ its name, you would have been There are only two types of meaning it was made victimized by badness. PB can movies worth watching— purposefully to be bad; the old tapping their telephones checkbook, counting the W strike in many forms: Short really great movies (Gone Batman series is a good ^ while they are lying change in the Coke Fuse® fireworks; "Only idiots With the Wind, etc.) and example of good/bad.) yL helplessly at my mercy machine and repairing yL need safeties. . ." firearms; really bad movies (Godzilla Good/bad is alright, but it's ^ and, occasionally, I can the condom dispenser In ^ "I'm dead because the battery V8 the Bionic Monster). nowhere near the profound ^ even molest a couple of the men's bathroom when ran down in my. . ." (a)pace- Badness in movies is greatness of BAD/BAD. twelve year old blond it jams or gives out the maker, (b)smoke detector, wonderful. (It must be real Movies that have been y^ girls in one evening!" wrong colored Item. y^ (c)burglar alarm; Cyclotron® badness, though; a mediocre produced seriously, in which blenders; Burnyurbuns® movie can be frighteningly you can FEEL how hard the * microwave ovens; Fuzzymat™ dull. Have you ever stayed up cast tried to save the film from photo-finishing; Diet Dr. into the wee hours of the itself, should win special •£. Moral Imperatives are nice... yt Leper; Food Service, Fisk, morning watching and hoping awards. The same goes for a but all we require Is U.S. citizenship. J. KISS, student newspapers. . . -hat maybe one interesting picture in which the cast y^ Badness can be amusing at thing would happen, (just one doesn't even try. . . or care. times. Where would the world interesting thing, that would There should be a bad film )f National Insecurity Agency be without really bad movies? prevent the whole thing from festival every year so that y^ What would KDOG show on being a waste) other than (continued on page 7) the new generation of RICE UNIVERSITY SUMMER PROGRAM OF HISPANIC STUDIES SEVILLE-MADRID SAN SEBASTIAN 1 SPAIN June 1 July 13 LANGUAGE AND UPPER DIVISION COURSES Lrr.phoii' w it be placea on the development of conversational skills. Coursei nil t* taught by Rice instructors SPANISH 103a Accelerated Beginning Spanish (2 hours daily> (6 credits) SPANISH 280c Spanish Conversation (Intermediate Level! (3 credits) SPANiSH 318c Spanish Conversation (Advanced Level) (3 credits) SPANISH 323a H.spanic Culture and Civilization (3 credits) GRADUATE COURSES |h£uoH| SPANISH 515a SPANISH 517a SPANISH 591a Independent Study Special Topics in Hispanic Literature. (3 credits) Hispanic Linguistics, and Hispanic Culture and Civilization Staff LOCATIONS AND ITINERARY Cidsse* will be teld for approximately two weeks COST S'060 includes: Tu.tion ot up to 6 semeste' hours Room and board ir. San Sebastian and Seville Hotel Room plus two meais in Madrid Trips to Jere.- Cadiz, Granada, Cordoba Toledo, Burgos and Pamplona T icktts to museums plays and ballet Round trip Mad'id San Sebastian by bus molded plastic watches TRANSATLANTIC TRANSPORTATION the M ami Madrid Seville round trip fare payable at ieast fou> weeks before departure, ELIGIBILITY AND ADMISSION from 12:08® Coiiises art open tor credit to Hi students om other recognized colleges and universities They are ) interested persons who wan .»learn Span-sh or improve their ability ir th«*t language • Automatic nighttime visibility '•ng in a Spanish speiking oo< • No buttons to push Utr requuii vig visiting stud"nt st«ti an authority in their univer sity indicating that the credit tney » Leaves your hands free with Tritium backlight Mr. Richard \ StabeU D.recto, of Aumisuons Rice Un.vers.xv • No battery necessary • Continuous hour/minute Houston, T«*as 77001 i.on tnc vivting i«udent must :end a Sf>0 fee. payable by check oi money onjer. to Mi. 1c out to Rite University. Guaranteed accurate to display summer y.ogiam accompanied by a $100 deposit, in the form of a check or money Di H.N Unutibeneiiy, Chapman within 6 hours for life Department o' Sp.mish. Portuguese and Classics f.ir.e University Houston. Texas 77001 • In a variety of modern styles i Of b oloi. anu national or ethnic o OVER Yours now in the Rice Campus Score I DEADLINE FOR APPLICATION APRIL 10 • the Ugandan times-statesman, april 1, 1979—page 8