volume 11 - issue 11 - tuesday, april 10, 2012 - uvm, burlington, vt uvm.edu/~watertwr - thewatertower.tumblr.com

by lauragreenwood A month ago, my lifelong consumption of meat end- ed. I’ve joined the 3.2% of Americans avoiding meat and am strangely ambivalent. After 18 years of practice, noth- ing has ever felt as foreign as vegetarianism. It may sound a bit melodramatic, but it is not until you remove something from your daily life that you realize how much of an impact it has. Strangely enough, the act of being a vegetarian has in itself been pretty easy, despite a few moments of tempta- by joshhegarty tion. The biggest question people ask me is why. Why have There’s so much to say you made this change? Is this for a diet? What message are about Trayvon Martin’s you trying to spread? You must really love animals. And death. I could make this thus far, I’ve struggled to form my arguments. about gun laws and self- Before college, I always knew I wanted to at least try defense and about how an being a vegetarian once. I was curious about what it would innocent child was killed, be like, but mostly I wanted to try as many new things as but then I’m just ignoring possible while in college. Fall semester came and passed the issue of race that some without meat leaving my life. Every dining location on people want to say doesn’t campus offers vegetarian options, and yet I chose meat. It exist in the first place. I wasn’t until the car ride back up with a friend from spring could make this all about break that we decided today was the day (well, really to- the fact that a child was morrow since we had just eaten turkey sandwiches). And slain with a gunshot to the just like that, I no longer ate meat. I quit cold-turkey (ha chest for being black in a ha) and haven’t touched it since. For other meat-eaters who neighborhood where being might want to give vegetarianism a kick, I say just go for it. black is suspicious, but then It was easiest to completely eliminate meat than take the I’m ignoring the absurd use weak man’s “gradual reduction” of meat products. On cam- of the self-defense law that pus now, I eat vegan chili, eggs, nuts, beans, salad, and any has kept Zimmerman from tween the two. Zimmerman claims By 7:30, police and paramed- vegetable in sight. That was March 11th. Thus far, we’ve being charged. that Martin attacked him and then he, ics had arrived and Martin was de- celebrated 3 week milestones over carrots and hummus. I guess I’ll start with the facts. fearing for his life, fired his handgun, clared dead. Zimmerman alleged Truthfully, the experience has made me feel detached On February 26th, Trayvon Martin, a weapon that he is licensed to carry. self-defense, citing bruises and bleed- from meat eaters and feel like I’m being pretentious. It’s as a 17-year-old boy, left the home of According to Martin’s girlfriend, Mar- ing from his nose and the back of his if I’ve just dropped my lifelong membership to the omni- his father’s girlfriend in a gated com- tin had called her because he was head. There is footage, however, of vore club. I’ve been welcomed by other veges, but I feel like munity in Sanford, Florida to go to a afraid of the man following him and him entering the Sanford police sta- a traitor to my previous diet. At a slope-side BBQ, I had to 7-11 where he bought tion after these events refuse a hamburger from happy-going, middle-aged man. Skittles and an iced said he was in pursuit where none of these signs Since when have I ever been a picky eater? And yet, there tea. On Martin’s way when zimmerman , of attack are visible. I was asking for American cheese between two burger back to her house, the police dispatcher told him that Despite all of this buns, easy on the burger grease. My modified grill cheesed around 7pm, George evidence, Zimmerman sucked, and I drooled as my friends scarfed down burg- Zimmerman saw him they ‘[did] not need [him] to do that.’ has yet to be arrested, al- ers. I’m not saying vegetarians are stuck-up, but it felt rude and decided to do after that, things became murkier. though it is looking more to not be able to accept the food that was offered and ask two things: call the and more like he will be instead for my own private meal. Vermont and UVM have police to report sus- in the near future. The made this feeling less prevalent though by always having picious behavior and follow Martin she heard the two share words when reason for this is Florida’s Stand Your vegetarian meals available. The vegetarian community will in order to make sure he didn’t com- suddenly there was a pushing sound Ground law, a self-defense law that embrace you, whether on campus in dorms like Slade and mit a crime. Recordings of the police and Martin’s phone went silent. Dur- allows a person all the same rights to the Greenhouse, or at vegetarian restaurants like New Eth- call show that Zimmerman described ing the confrontation, phone calls self-defense that you have if someone ics Café or Stone Soup. Martin as, “just walking around look- from members of the community invades your home, extended to any Being a vegetarian means paying more attention to ing about,” and looking like, “he’s on flooded the police and in some you public place. This style of law allows what you eat and why you eat it. And oh the lectures I’ve drugs or something.” After Martin no- can clearly hear the sound of scream- that if you are attacked in public and received since becoming a convert. In the past month, I’ve ticed that he was being observed and ing for help followed by a gunshot, can only reach safety by either fleeing been told about inbreeding in the fishing industry, how followed, he ran and when Zimmer- after which the screaming stops. Zim- or using lethal force, you’re allowed to meat sits in your stomach before digesting, that chocolate man said he was in pursuit the police merman claims that these screams are do either. The key difference is that in milk has protein, about “pink slime”, how good veal tastes, dispatcher told him that they “[did] his, while Martin’s parents recognize it a state without this style of law if you how great kale tastes, etc. etc. It’s as though everyone has an not need [him] to do that.” After this, as their son’s voice. Voice recognition choose to use force without first try- opinion about food, and vegetarianism is the excuse to dis- things become murkier. experts have analyzed the screams ing to escape, if it can be shown that pel any food facts you’ve ever learned. I’ve been told watch Within the next half hour, there and feel that they can confidently say you could have escaped, you can be this, try this, quit now, and why bother. I had no idea be- was some sort of confrontation be- it was not Zimmerman. charged with homicide. coming a vegetarian would be such a public effort. ... read the rest on page 3 ... read the rest on page 6

finger-pointing mock trial’s standout year spring horoscopes mountain goats in afghanistan by georgeloftus by lizcantrell by katjaritchie by bendonovan news ticker: Study shows percentage of students desiring to work in meat-packing inversely proportionate to maturity level +++ audentis fortuna iuvat +++ Buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo.g

My Dearest water tower, by bendonovan with julietcritsimilios I recently read and enjoyed the article in the March 27th edition of the water tower entitled “Some Two weeks ago, Staff Sergeant Robert of papering over cases of post-traumatic Choice Words”. While I agreed with the anti-pro-life sentiment of the piece, I did harbor some minor disagree- Awareness Months - While I support Women’s History Bales allegedly left his post outside Camp stress disorder (PTSD) and traumatic brain ments. First of all, I don’t believe simply renaming the pro-life position as anti-choice is enough. This reason- and Black History Month, and Sexual Violence Aware- Belamby in Afghanistan’s Kandahar Prov- injury (TBI) in order to send otherwise un- ing permits application of the same logic to the pro-choice position, changing it to anti-life. The author tries ness Month (which is this month, April), it’s important ince around 3 AM and walked to two fit soldiers on additional tours of duty; the ineffectively to refute this by stating that “Nobody (at least hopefully nobody) is anti-life.” Is this not exactly to remember that these issues and other issues affect us nearby villages. Dressed in traditional Af- New York Times reports that Bales himself how Republicans would defend their pro-life position (i.e. being pro-choice is clearly a cover for being anti-life, beyond singular months out of the year. While I wish ghan clothes over his Army fatigues and may have had a TBI that would render the because “Nobody (at least hopefully nobody) is anti-choice”)? As easy as it is to view Republicans as backwater these issues affected us for only 30-31 days out of 365, armed with a 9mm pistol and an M4 rifle, decision to send him back for a fourth tour inbreds, none of them are truly opposed to choice. This is where the reasoning in the article falls apart: it justi- that would be weird, and they don’t. Getting a month he reportedly went from house to house questionable. Sgt. Bales, and thousands like fies the similar but opposite reaction from Republicans against the pro-choice campaign. doesn’t excuse society for not being aware any other and murdered 17 people, including nine him, have been burning the candle on both What I believe is a more effective strategy is to enact a thorough analysis and dismantling of the pro-life time of year. That’s a cop out. children. After col- ends, and they’ve rhetoric. For the simplest example, the common bumper sticker “It’s not a choice, it’s a child” enacts a logical lecting some of the been doing it for paradox at the level of grammar (I have stolen and mangled the following argument from Lee Edelman and Chocolate Easter Bunnies - For not being around all bodies and burning years. And when his excellent book No Future, which I believe is available at the Bailey-Howe): the recurring form “it’s not... year. So cute, with the ears and the tails and the choco- them, he returned “how did an enough people are it is” works for the first half of the sentence (“it’s not a choice”), but in the second half it runs into the sticky late and the om nom nom. to base, laid down forced to do that, situation of referring to a child as “it” (“it’s a child”). While it seems simple to explain this by the fact that the his weapons, and otherwise for long enough, bumper sticker is meant to apply to both male and female children(/choices), what we are actually witnessing Catholic Lady Priests - The Pope recently took a long- told his superiors something is going in the example is the unraveling of the logic of pro-lifers. This bumper sticker slogan flat out ignores the civil ass trip to Mexico and Cuba and did some things, but what he’d done. normal person to give. rights-based argumentation and goes for the throat by attempting to imply that abortion is murder. If we refuse mostly he is just annoyed at all these ladies that want to Those are the That said, it TRAYVON-continued from pg 1 all attempts of the pro-lifers to circumvent the civil rights framework of the abortion debate, we can prevent it be priests. Not allowed, he says! Because of old tradi- basic facts of the would also be easy from devolving into the slippery slope of what constitutes a life (any second trimester fetus? any fertilized egg? But so far, I’ve left out how racially had no criminal history even though he tions and rules that make a lot of sense now since they incident, as the Pen- from ohio, to lay some of the charged this event and the reaction to it has been charged with domestic violence any sperm?). happened a lot of years ago. Or something. So just be tagon and the news blame at the feet What I was even more frustrated with, however, was the author’s assertion that “Ron Paul chooses to be a has been. Zimmerman is being painted as well as a violent resisting arrest in the quiet already, isn’t being a nun fun enough anyway!? media are reporting turn into a of the Afghans, as a monstrous xenophobe, who hunted past. And worst of all, even though Mar- whackadoodle”. A person’s intellectual orientation is not the fault of the person! Ron Paul was BORN a whacka- them. who for their part doodle, so we must avoid discriminating against him on that basis! down a child because of the color of his tin’s phone was on or near his person, no Some person in Kansas - The anonymous winner of Beyond the im- seem stunningly skin. And, for all anyone knows, that may attempt was made to contact someone to Sincerely (for the most part, anyway), the over-200-million-dollar mega millions jackpot is mediate who, what, mass-murderer?” apathetic about the Wes be what he is, but is there sufficient rea- identify the body. He was brought to the somewhere in Kansas, being rich and hiding from ev- and when, however, future of their own son to think that? People want to point morgue and labeled a John Doe until his Sometimes reading the water tower makes our readers want to get naked and fight the power. But most of eryone, but hopefully moving the fuck out of Kansas there remains a much broader question country, on a good day, and openly hostile to his description of Martin to the police father called the police the next morning the time, they just send emails. Send your thoughts on anything in this week’s issue to real soon because it doesn’t matter how much money that has not yet been, and may never be, to the American and international presence as evidence of racism, but it’s important to say that his son never came home the [email protected] you have, Kansas is pretty terrible. fully answered. in their country on bad days. Ten years af- to remember that the description of “a night before. A child was shot in the chest What the fuck happened? ter their country was invaded for harboring black guy” came after being asked what just a few blocks away from his father’s How did an otherwise normal person the Al Qaeda terrorists who planned 9/11, the suspicious person looked like. There house and police did not make the effort the water tower. from Norwood, Ohio, by pretty much all Afghans continue to be among the ranks are only two potential reasons that Zim- to find out if he had reason to be there be- uvm’s alternative newsmag accounts a good soldier and a stand-up guy of an incredibly violent insurgency with a merman found Martin suspicious in the cause he looked like a hood, because he al- uvm.edu/~watertwr for most of the last 38 years of his life, turn thoroughly medieval worldview and stag- first place, his dark skin or his hoodie. The legedly attacked a white man, because be- ______Editorial Staff with jamesaglio into a mass-murderer? What caused Bales, geringly brutal tactics. Even the worst ex- first is obviously racist; the second is also ing black, to the officers on the scene, was Editors-in-Chief a married father of two with no significant cesses of our soldiers still don’t hold a can- Megan Kelley an invalid reason to gun someone down. more important than being a dead child. Dan Suder history of violence or mental illness, to kill dle to the everyday tactics of the Taliban, Why exactly Zimmerman felt suspicious is I wish this didn’t have to be racially “I never intended to kill anyone… God knows this truth.” unarmed Afghan civilians in cold blood, in who routinely attack civilians and mete hard to pin down. But none of this is to charged. I wish we lived in a better society. News Editor the middle of the night, and then calmly out horrific punishments to those who James Aglio -Victor Bout, noted Russian arms dealer in reference to his newly acquired 25 year sentence. Bout, known best to the general public say that he isn’t racist. In fact, I believe that But white privilege makes white people walk back to base to confess his actions? run afoul of them. Efforts to build a stable, he is. When Martin started to run from do racist things without realizing it, while Around Town Editor for being the inspiration for the relatively not terrible movie Lord Of War featuring Academy Award winner Nicholas Cage, denies any What was the catalyst that made this ap- modern state that might drag the country, involvement in arms trafficking, despite being dubbed “international arms trafficking enemy number one.” him, Zimmerman’s voice drops on the po- still condemning racism. Barack Obama’s George Loftus parently decent guy go so bad? kicking and screaming, into the 21st cen- lice call and through some static he says commentary on this situation was this, “If Reflections Editor Some have speculated about possible tury have been hobbled by corruption, fa- something that sounds very much like, I had a son, he would look like Trayvon.” Liz Cantrell financial troubles or marital strife and naticism, and ambivalence on the part of “fucking coon.” Perhaps that isn’t what he It is a beautiful sentiment that ought to pointed to a 2002 misdemeanor assault its leaders, many of whom retain ties to the Fashion Editor “These also shall be unclean unto “By doing so, he [the pilot] miti- said. Maybe I’m just hearing what I want resonate with all of us. Although my skin Colby Nixon charge stemming from a fight with a se- opium trade and the Taliban. In such an to hear to justify the idea that Zimmerman is white and my hair is red, I’m a biracial curity guard outside a casino in Tacoma, environment, it’s often incredibly hard to Créatif Stuffé Editor you among the creeping things that gated what could have been an is a racist. But as strange as it may sound, person and I have cousins who looks like Josh Hegarty Washington as an example of past violent tell the good guys from the bad guys, and Zimmerman’s racism isn’t the main issue Trayvon Martin. None of us should have creep upon the earth; the weasel, absolute massive, massive fireball behavior. It might be convenient if we the mental toll that takes on troops on the here. Rather, it’s the way that the Sanford to feel fear from police or overzealous Tunes Editor could write Sgt. Bales off as a nutcase. But ground cannot be stressed enough. Sarah Moylan police handled the situation, clearly caring neighborhood watchmen. What happened and the mouse, and the tortoise af- and fire.” family-related stress is something soldiers It would also be uncomfortably easy to less about the dead black child than the to Martin is a tragedy that we as a nation Humor Editor have had to cope with since the beginning blame ourselves. After a decade of war, the white adult that shot him. have to learn from in order to stamp out Greg Jacobs ter his kind, and the ferret, and the -A one Bruce Nedelka referring to an incident last Friday of time, and one case of drunkenly punch- American public at large remains shock- Imagine for a second how this would the sense of fear that non-white citizens ______Staff Writers where an F-18 crashed into an apartment building in Virginia ing out a bouncer does not a pattern of sa- ingly disengaged from the reality of what’s Jamie Beckett chameleon, and the lizard, and the have played out if a black man chased have to feel from white men with author- Juliet Critsimilios Beach. The pilots were able to eject, but before doing so, as dism make. happening in Afghanistan. “America is not down and fatally shot a white child. Is there ity. Julien Darmoni snail, and the mole.” they were crashing, they managed to dump the fuel, effectively Simple answers do not seem forthcom- at war. The Marine Corps is at war. Ameri- any doubt that the black man would be in What’s my point? I don’t know. I be- Laura Dillon stopping the plane from acting as a giant bomb and probably ing—which means we’re on track for a very ca is at the mall,” goes a saying popular with jail? As horrible as it is that there would be lieve Zimmerman is guilty. I also believe Ben Donovan saving dozens of lives. uncomfortable round of soul-searching. returning veterans. It’s depressingly true. Phoebe Fooks -Leviticus 11:29-30 If there is one thing that the great book of a difference, the only way to deny the dif- he is full of remorse. I believe it is a great Laura Frangipane Leviticus has taught me, it’s that creeping things that creep are bad. This is the point at which people typically Few of us really have any idea what these ference is to deny that white privilege ex- wrong to Martin and his family that Zim- Jonathan Franqui So bad, in fact, that eleven verses later the sentiment is repeated, “I am the liquor.” start pointing fingers, an activity that can folks go through. We voted for the leaders ists. The police did not arrest Zimmerman merman has not been charged. Being Harli Frohmiller “And every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth shall be certainly seem attractive, if only to make that started the war, and we voted for the because a black child was killed. When found guilty in the court of public opin- Lindsay Gabel -Jim Lahey, character from Trailer Park Boys some sense out of such a mind-bogglingly leaders who’ve continued it, but outside of Laura Greenwood an abomination; it shall not be eaten.” Beware the weasels, people, pressed, the police chief stepped down ion is not enough. A child was shot in the Adri Kopp beware them. This one’s pretty self explanatory, I think. awful tragedy. a handful of military families, most Ameri- instead of making an arrest or trying to chest. And if the rights of Black Americans Patrick Leene It’d be easy, for instance, to point the cans have sacrificed absolutely nothing in justify the department’s behavior. When continue to be negligible in the eyes the Kerry Martin finger at the United States government, for seeing it to completion. Every day, soldiers Martin’s parents were told about what hap- law, then we live in a country that’s okay Dylan McCarthy sending so many thousands of men and return home to a society that too often g Cait O’Hara pened, police told them that Zimmerman with that. Sarah Perda women, many of them younger than us, doesn’t understand them and fails to de- Robin Tucker to fight for increasingly nebulous and ill- liver them help when it’s needed; an appall- ______Art Staff the water tower is UVM’s alternative newsmag and is a weekly student publication at the University of Vermont in Burlington, Vermont. defined goals in a country almost none of ing 18 veterans kill themselves every day, At a certain point, though, this is all ing corner of the world. More human life Art Editor Malcolm Valaitis them know the first thing about, and for fre- many while awaiting help from a Veteran’s just navel-gazing. All the finger-pointing wasted. More seeds of hatred sewn. More contact the wt. read the wt. join the wt. Our generation stands at a crossroads. To the right quently dropping the ball when it comes to Affairs Department that is notoriously slow in the world won’t bring those 17 dead Af- half-assed apologies. More war. Art Staff Letters to the Editor/General B/H Library - 1st Floor New writers and artists are the perilous cliffs of punditry and pessimism. To taking care of them when they return. Our and disorganized. This isn’t how it’s sup- ghans back, or the 1,800-odd dead Ameri- It’s time for some real, honest-to-god Rachel Bennett [email protected] Davis Center - 1st Floor Entrance are always welcome the left is the desolate wasteland of apathy and igno- soldiers in Afghanistan work long hours posed to be. Americans are supposed to be cans. It certainly won’t bring any more clar- soul-searching—about Afghanistan, about Collin Cappelle rance. We choose neither. Instead, we brave the trail Caney Demars Editors-in-Chief: Davis Center - Main St. Tunnel Weekly meetings for little pay, and many of them sustain in this together. We can only let so many of ity to the question of what the fuck we’re America, about where we go from here. I’d Carly MacConnell [email protected] L/L - Outside Alice’s Café Tuesdays at 7:30 pm of truth. With sincerity and humor, we strive to make debilitating injuries in combat, and many our own people down before we stop being still doing there. In the end, this will prob- be nice if it were as easy as pointing Lauryn Schrom Advertising: Old Mill Annex - Main Lobby Chittenden Bank Room you reexamine, investigate, question, learn, and maybe more come home with psychic wounds we worth defending. Slapping a yellow ribbon ably go down as one more depressing chap- fingers, but it isn’t. The really -im Brienne Toomey [email protected] Waterman - Main Lobby Davis Center - 4th Floor pee your pants along the way. We are the reason peo- can’t see. Alarmingly, Fort Lewis, the base on the bumper and calling it a day isn’t cut- ter in the book of an incredibly depressing portant questions—like why good ______Special Thanks To Williams - Inside Steps Or send us an email ple can’t wait for Tuesday. We are the water tower. Bales’ unit shipped out of, has been accused ting it. war in an abysmally, irredeemably depress- people go bad—never are. g UVM Art Department Digital Lab Online - uvm.edu/~watertwr with patrickleene by robintucker Undershirt: you probably have two or three, four if you’re lucky. You do not dare put this undershirt in the laundry basket until you are walking out the door to the washing machine (with the occasional exception of an extremely sweaty night at Rasp- ie’s or a rumble-tumble sesh that has stretched it out beyond repair... or both). Shirt: Remember in elementary school when you used to wear your favorite shirt three days in a row and it wasn’t gross or weird? And then in high school when you re- by julietcritsimilios alized that it was both of those things and you immediately began throwing your shirts We are bombarded with event invita- cally talented people from UVM, an awe- over the world that aim to end violence and whole way back, or for just a minute, have in the laundry when taking them off after one day’s use? And then in college when you tions on a daily basis, and our schedules some state legislator, and a speak out aren’t sexual violence by creating awareness, get- you ever been afraid? That fear, that ner- realized that the elementary-you knew what was up (kind of like how you used to wear are booked, so we decide which events are enough to entice you, I’ve got more. ting the community involved, and speaking vousness, that is what Take Back the Night dorky leggings and rompers (except back then they didn’t have a fancy name they were worth our time and energy to attend. Usu- H.O.P.E. Works (formerly the Wom- out about these issues and how to combat is about. Because these statistics, whether just clothes)) and that the college schedule of having the same classes every other day ally the events we choose will give us extra en’s Rape Crisis Center) is hosting the them. This is a world-wide event that hap- we know them or not, affect us. Because we was perfectly conducive to wearing the same shirt two days in a row. credit for a class, or have free food (double event. You know, they also hosted Mardi pens every year, uniting communities and all know someone who has been sexually Jeans: Yeah, contrary to what some may say, jeans never get dirty. Period. I myself whammy if you score both). Take Back the Gras, and you probably assaulted. They have worn the same pair of jeans every single day this year, and you don’t want to know Night doesn’t have free food, but you could went and had a great may never tell how many times they have been washed. But it’s okay, because jeans never get dirty. probably convince a teacher to give you time. Right? Well, if “take back the night is an event that aims to you, or you may Jackets: You may have a variety of cool fall-weather jackets that you get excited extra credit for coming. But that’s not why you can come drink for be the first per- about breaking out when you feel the first crisp autumn breeze in September, but the you should go. a parade, you can come raise awareness about son they come season for fashionably cold weather clothes does not last long (Winter 2011-2012 not You should go because every 5 min- to a rally and march to to right after it included). Once the real cold hits somewhere in October, you get pretty up close and utes in the United States, a rape is report- end violence within our sexual and happens, but personal with that one winter jacket that might as well be your skin for the next six ed. Reported. Think about how many are community. H.O.P.E. non-sexual violence through a sexual assault months. Effectively, because of what we saw about jeans, this means that at least the left unspoken about. Actually, don’t think, Works is an amazing and violence is outer layer of your outfit will be exactly the same everyday for over half of the school know: on college campuses alone, less than Burlington non-profit rally and a march” more common year. 5% of rapes are reported to law enforce- that seeks to end sexual that you think. Socks: I know, ew, right? Sock cleanliness is a little less lenient than that of shirts, ment officials. Nationally, for every 1,000 violence within our UVM does a lot nevertheless, each pair gains a few more uses once in college (kind of like spoons and college women on a campus, 35 rapes will community. They work with survivors of countries with a message that is important to increase awareness about these issues, Hyde-and-Freak (noun/phrase): The typical reaction of someone seeing Hyde Street for cups…). Sock cleanliness tends to vary more from person to person than shirts and happen every academic year. To put that in rape and violence, and do fantastic educa- and powerful. but there is obviously more to do. Because the first time. jeans. For example, I recently enlightened a friend with the (seeming) epiphany that perspective, there are 10, 459 undergradu- tion and outreach in schools all over Chit- Still not convinced? Think about ev- we’ve all been afraid, even for a brief mo- socks don’t have designated feet while shoes do (weird, right!). She quickly disagreed ate students at UVM. Sexual assault is the tenden County. They empower people re- erything that has happened on the UVM ment, and that fear comes from the real- however, claiming that her socks are definitely shaped each for a particular foot. Oh, I largest violent crime committed in Ameri- gardless of the time of day. They aim to take community this year. Think about what is ity that sexual assault and rape rhetoric is realized, dirty socks are shaped to the feet that you wore them on, but clean socks are ca. Sexual violence, gendered violence, and back the lives of people who have been vic- happening in political spheres right now. prevalent on our campus. all the same. She wasn’t convinced of the existence of the latter. domestic violence are prevalent in the Bur- tims of sexual abuse, and also raise aware- Think about the pervasive issues of rape, There are plenty more reasons why Shoes: Dirty shoes look better. Yay. lington community, and your community ness among other community members by and violence, and how they affect you. In you should come, but the truth is the event Hair: When I first got to college I used to take a shower every morning before at home. encouraging them to be allies and fellow 1998, 1 in 6 women reported being the vic- and its purpose should be enough. After breakfast. Ha! Then I would take a shower every morning before class. Then one day I Take Back the Night is an event that advocates. Supporting them for Mardi Gras tim of a rape or attempted rape; today, 1 in the march (when you go, because you will), just got out of bed, put on my trusty jeans and walked up to campus, and guess what? I aims to raise awareness about sexual and was easy, so supporting them now means 4 women report this same statistic. Are you you can do more. You can volunteer, you felt right at home with my halfway greasy hair and shirt from the day before. non-sexual violence through a rally and a more. uncomfortable with these statistics? You can take a class, you can work with orga- Sheets: Now, sheets are not clothing, but they do come into the laundry equa- march. It aims to “Take Back the Night” so Skeptical? Let’s look at Take Back the should be. nizations and places on and off-campus tion. Don’t sit there and tell me that you have never lied about how many times you’ve people can feel safe within their own com- Night’s history and it’s importance world- Maybe you’re still on the fence. And that aim to end sexual violence every day- washed your sheets this semester, or this year. Pillow cases are easy, you just pull ‘em munities. This year, on the steps of the Roy- wide. Take Back the Night has been hap- so I ask, personally, if you have ever been not just at a rally once a year. Those places, off and throw ‘em back on before you go to bed. Sheets though, that means remaking al Tyler Theatre on April 11th, at 5:30pm, pening in the U.S. since 1975. It was started afraid walking somewhere at night. If you’ve and they people that work for them, are your whole bed. Enough said. g there will be a rally for Take Back the Night. after a woman was murdered just a block been in a city far away from Burlington, or truly exceptional. At the end of the day (or The UVM Top Cats and Cat’s Meow will away from her home on her way back to her if you’ve been here, have you ever been ner- night), it matters that we come together as perform, and UVM Alumni and Vermont apartment one night. Her community ral- vous, or afraid? Walking from downtown a community and march together to show by georgeloftus State Representative Kesha Ram will be the lied together and marched against the hor- to your apartment after last call? Walk- that sexual violence, and violence in gen- She walks into class still wearing sunglasses. Her Why should you care, even slightly? Because it’s the ceive the funding they need to flourish, and has a chance keynote speaker. After the rally, there will ror of her murder and the importance of ing up College Street back to the dorms? eral, is not welcome here. I’ll be there. You hair is relatively straight and she’s wearing a light denim closest thing UVM has had to a Cinderella story since to be recognized on a national scale. During a more candid be a march downtown to City Hall, where speaking out against violence in all forms. Walking back alone, or with a group, or should be, too. g jean jacket over her dress. She looks good, but something beating Syracuse all those years ago. The program essen- conversation, Mary revealed one of the biggest boons was there will be a speak out. If those musi- Today, there are rallies and marches all with one other person, but still afraid? The seems off. The teacher is trying to set her on fire with her tially wasn’t taken seriously when she got here four years getting to know people in the SGA office who can help, eyes and when I look at the clock I realize why; she’s ten ago, and now UVM’s team is essentially first alternate for and more importantly who want to help. She acknowl- minutes late to a fifty minute class. Finally, she takes her Mock Trials Final Four equivalent. She helped turn the edged that it’s easy to feel marginalized or disregarded, but sunglasses off and I see her eyes: Mary is hungover as fuck. there are people in the SGA who genuinely care and will The Mary in question is Mary Kenah, a name most do everything they can to help. seniors might know from starting the University of Ver- “when i got here the She also said advertising is important. She said how mont 2012 facebook group before timelines ruined things. often she’d bump into juniors who had nothing to say other On top of being the founder of, to my knowledge, the larg- program barely than “I had no idea we even had a mock trial’”. If you want est collective of students graduating this year on the inter- existed. there were to get your club off the ground she recommends putting webs, Mary’s also the president of Mock Trial, and guess up fliers for events, doing shout-outs in class, always be by phoebefooks what? They had an absolutely banner fucking year. recruiting new people, and basically doing anything you “When I got here the program barely existed. There six people can to keep your club on the student body’s mind. When I’m sure you’ve heard as many varying things as I have drinks, juices, milkshakes, ice cream, and traditional Vietnam- were six people on the team, and they were dedicated, but talking to Mary, it became clear that the most important about the mysterious Taiwanese trend coined “bubble-tea”. ese sandwiches and cream cakes. Tapioca pearls, or “bubbles” we couldn’t convince anyone to join. SGA was ambivalent on the team, and they tool to getting things done was passion. That was the drive Those varying things might be anything from “it’s Asian”, “it as the menu calls them, can be added to any beverage. The em- towards us.” that pushed her into butting heads with SGA, that made has weird jelly balls in it”, “I don’t really know what it is”, “it’s ployee, although appearing like an another teenager who hates A lot can change in two years. She started the program were dedicated, her do heavy-duty recruiting, and ultimately what got her like nothing ever before”, “it’s delicious”, or “it’s gross.” Well their father, is actually quite friendly and willing to let custom- in September of her freshman year, and was president by club recognized on a national scale. Not bad for a club that my friends, as I write this, I am sitting in the Burlington Mall ers experiment with flavors and ingredients. My banana buzz the time she was a sophomore. This year they made it to but we couldn’t couldn’t even fill a table in the fishbowl three years ago. drinking a banana buzz bubble-tea at My H2O, our very own tea, consisting of chocolate, a fresh banana, coffee flavor, and national championships, beating out all the teams from This is Mary’s last year here at UVM, so it goes with- local bubble-tea shop. Have you ever seen that weird place in extra bubbles, tasted heavenly, like a blended banana split with Yale and taking out Harvard at Regionals (no, it’s not like convince anyone to join.” out saying that this was her last year doing mock trial. Af- the mall with all the Asian stuff, the mirrors, the green walls, a slight herbal nuance due to the tapioca pearls. Bubble-tea is Glee). ter all these years, what was her greatest accomplishment? the odd machinery, and the discontented angsty teenage em- a unique flavor. “We tried to do things differently. We got more peo- “Actually, that was at regionals, the meet where we ployee? Well, maybe the better question is have you ever been The only downfall I have encountered is that although My ple involved and built the program around solidarity, club into a successful entity that was acknowledged by qualified for nationals. I made somebody cry, and it was to the Burlington Mall? Not a lot goes on there, but the trip is H2O advertises free wi-fi, their employee couldn’t think of the around companionship. We also went to four invitation- SGA and awarded more funding than it had ever seen be- awesome. It was really… I’m not a mean person, but when worth it if you make it to My H2O. password and, from the dining area, I only had one bar of sig- als and personally I would’ve liked to have gone to more fore. I do mock trial I can be this very mean-spirited.... not Bubble tea is made over ice with milk, black tea, and tapi- nal strength anyway. Nonetheless, one’s experience drinking than that, but that’s opposed to only one the year before It’s important to know and support Mock Trial be- mean spirited… I don’t know. I got to yell at someone oca pearls—marble-sized chewy balls of cassava starch. It is bubble-tea should be spent reveling in this cultural phenom- [editor’s note: her junior year], basically any oppor- cause this is something that can happen to any program: when there were no consequences, make someone cry, sipped through a wide straw which the tapioca pearls can fit enon, not wasted away on the Internet. Bubble-tea is a tunity to compete.Whenever you’re not just sitting any small anti-deforestation club you’re in can totally get and on top of that it was a boy. I was like ‘suuuuck it’ in my through. Flavors can be added to bubble-tea and My H2O has nice change-up from the usual Church Street stop at Ben in a room hypothesizing about what could happen, turned around. Any competitive group like water-polo or head after it happened, it was very rewarding.”g all types you can think of—from cantaloupe to red bean. They and Jerry’s or Dobra Tea—in fact, it’s an exceptional fu- the better, you need to get out there.” club tennis has a fighting chance to get out there and re- collin cappelle also sell fruit smoothies, Myccino (blended slushies), espresso sion of the two. What more could one ask for? g words and art by rachelbennett by caito’hara Ladies, we’ve all been there: the dread- in your purse and BAM, walking instantly some of that pond scum feeling from your ed “Walk of Shame.” Oh boy. It’s never fun becomes easier. mouth and might just help to cut through stumbling back home in last night’s party Let’s face it; we know the real torment that fog clogging up your brain. by lizcantrell When kids are little, parents have a habit of telling them that the well-educated, quick-witted cat I am now, I would have ex- clothes. If you feel rough around the edges, of the Walk is makeup. What may have Beyond dress codes, there are sev- drawings by caney demars television is bad for their brains, and usually there is a constant plained to my parents that I was watching The O.C. because it was imagine how that translates to your appear- looked simply stunning the night before eral other ways to successfully handle the battle over what TV shows are appropriate. When I was in seventh incredibly educational, and watching an episode was like being in ance. Well, folks, I’m about to make your will most likely have shifted to give you the Walk. Caffeine is important. I don’t func- grade I started watching The O.C. (so damn good right?), and my class for forty-two minutes. Walks of Shame a hell of a lot less tion normally without it, but on a Aries: March 21-April 19 Virgo: August 23-Septem- parents soon decided that the show’s steamy drama was not appro- That’s right—I believe that one can learn important life lessons shameful. Through some trial and morning when you’re feeling more priate for my age, banning me from watching it. Oh, hell no, one and skills from watching television. Who needs to go to school Happy Birthday to all the Arieses out ber 22 error, I’ve come up with a few easy than a bit rough around the edges, a there. This year’s day of jubilee brings you This month brings you does not separate a girl from her soaps. when there are thousands of TV shows out there, waiting to teach ways to appear somewhat normal good cup o’ joe will do wonders for I began watching it in secret, hiding in my basement in the you about the world? So put down your books my friends, and a sweet surprise, most shocking news: you may, as you struggle towards home and your brain function. Try to aim for likely in the form of in fact, have royal blood in dark with the sound down low. I eventually got caught, and my start watching these goldmines of knowledge. that first cup of coffee. a good amount of caffeine, but bal- parents reamed me out for going against their rules. If I had been one of those photo your lineage. Will and Kate The absolute most important ance it with your water intake. The cakes. Whose pic is invite you to the court to thing, like really the absolute KEY, caffeine will wake you up, but coffee gonna be front and check out the new digs and is to think ahead. A bit of foresight also dehydrates you, which will just center? That’s for the pick yo’self out a castle or two. CSI will make everything that much make the pounding in your head How I Met Your Mother, Arrested Devel- stars to know and Do you want to be a forensic biologist or simpler come morning after. even worse. While food may not be you to find out (hint: opment crime scene investigator? This show is ba- First and foremost, dressing the first thing on your mind, break- We love to laugh at these silly sitcoms, rhymes with Ran Vo- Libra: September sically a step-by-step tutorial and is 100% considerations should be taken. fast sandwiches are both delicious gel). but while you’re splitting your sides at the accurate in portraying the life of forensics; Have no fear of skirts and heels, and a godsend when it comes to get- 23-October 22 hilarious jokes, look out for the moments if you want to face criminals head on, car- embrace them! But consider the ting your body back to a functioning Libras are tradi- of educational value. ry a gun, and break into people’s houses, potential impact they will have level. While I’m sure there are several Taurus: April 20-May 20 tionally indecisive, How I Met Your Mother has many es- don’t become a police officer—crime scene tomorrow. While I’m a huge advo- other fantastic spots, Henry Street For the next few weeks, beware the and this month is no sential things to teach our society, but most investigators do it all, and they do it better. cate of pants (skinny jeans = sexy), Deli makes some of the best sand- following words: “catapult”, “kangaroo”, different. Around the important is the Lemon Law. If you are on I understand the need to flaunt wiches I’ve had. Eggs, cheese and a and “curtains”. The stars foresee that 15th, you face a deci- a date and you’re not feeling it within the what you’ve got, and there’s no denying appearance of a crazed raccoon, and no pork roll nestled in the toasty center of an contact with these words will have dire sion involving Fruit first five minutes, you can just tell the other that skirts do that very well. If you want one needs to be subjected to that. Makeup English muffin; my go-to sandwich and my consequences for you. Roll-Ups and the person and split. Genius. to go bare legged, by all means—go for it! removal wipes. Do yourself, and all of us savior on so many occasions. meaning of life. Arrested Development may have been Weeds, Breaking Bad But consider throwing a pair of leggings in really, a favor and invest in some. Yes, I am Plan your route carefully. Be aware of cancelled, but the network soon realized These two shows have one clear mes- your bag; they’ll instantly add that put to- telling you that you’ll have to carry things where your exes and your friends live, and Gemini: May 21-June 20 they had taken away a piece of incred- sage: drug dealing is incredibly lucrative, gether element usually so consider whether So you want to get in shape for sum- Scorpio: October 23-November 21 ibly influential, intellectual programming. so if you want to make millions quit your lacking from the morning or not you want mer, eh? Instead of clocking in at the ol’ The weather’s been heating up like When you watch this show, you can learn day job and start growing/cooking! Being a after walk. them to see you Campus Rec, try a new sport that is sure Ryan Gosling’s bedroom, but you are that you’re not the only one who’s in love sexy MILF or a nerdy dad is strongly sug- Going back to the in your current to get your heart rate up and keep you just not ready to embrace the onset of with their cousin (it’s still wrong, though— gested, because then people will be less sus- heels, let’s think for a sec- condition. Cut fit, such as toe wrestling or underwater spring. Saddle up, Scorpio—this spring sorry, people), and you can even learn how picious of your shady ways. Have kids, deal ond. Do you really want through parts of hockey. is shaping up to be a hot one, so break to speak Korean. Anyong! drugs, live the American dream. to trudge home in those campus that peo- out the shorts and flippy floppies and 4 inch stilettos? I agree, ple only go to for STFU. heels are hot, but I’m just saying—comfort- around with you, but that’s a much better classes, avoid the DC and generally try to able shoes rock. Be they an absolutely ador- option than waking up as a hungover zom- remain as inconspicuous as possible. able pair of your favorite ballet flats or your bie complete with errant glitter the next There are several ways to avoid an ex- beat up old Converse, flat and comfy shoes day. With the ability to clean your face up, treme Walk of Shame, but planning ahead will be your best friend the next morning. your skin will thank you (translation: fewer is really the most vital. Consider the next The O.C., Skins Dexter, True Blood, and The Walking If you’re still insistent on wearing those breakouts), as will those you come across day walk and how exactly you look stum- Dead These two dramas have so many death daggers on your feet, let me clue you on your walk. bling across campus. Embrace your wild Sagittarius: November 22-December 21 lessons to offer, where do I even begin? These three shows contain some in to a little secret: collapsible flats. Yes, MINTS! No one likes morning mouth, side and have a blast, but do so with the of the most important survival lessons. Around the 24th, you should resist Seeing as the stars of The O.C. consist ladies, you can buy a pair of really cheap, and it’s highly unlikely that you’ll have ac- power to strut back home with your head the temptation to skip class. If you don’t, of two power couples, let’s talk relation- By watching Dexter, you can learn how foldable flats from your local drug store cess to a toothbrush. Altoids, Mentos, hon- held high. Rock on, ladies. Let’s go. g Cancer: June 21-July 22 to kill people cleanly and subtly: get a you’ll be sorry, because the stars predict ships. As Marissa demonstrates, the best (dancer friends swear by them). Throw ‘em estly whatever floats your boat will remove You get into an altercation involving that a certain love interest will have writ- way to react to an argument or conflict horse tranquilizer, cover everything in an iguana, someone from your class, and plastic, and be sure to don some gloves. ten a cute handwritten note for you, but in a relationship is to cry and run away. a pizza with green peppers. Sounds like a will feel rejected by your absence. Don’t talk it out, don’t be honest with Seriously, guys, don’t be sloppy and get tricky sitch; the stars predict you’ll handle it each other, just pout your pretty little caught murdering people, because every- with your usual Crabbie panache. thing you need to know is in this show. lips and run out the door. As you can see VEGETARIAN-continued from page 1 by the quality of her and Ryan’s relation- Ok, so maybe you don’t want to kill real ship, this strategy will have you and your people, but you want to know how to kill a vampire or a zombie? According to Leo: July 23-August 22 Aquarius: January 22-February 18 beau closer than ever! Oh, Leo. You’ve been party rocking The celestial skies see that you and The English know what’s up, and True Blood and The Walking Dead, it’s all This may be because vegetarianism unsure join an effort. gineered and more natural. about aim: to kill a vampire, get a stake or is so “trendy” these days. Fair warning if 2. I am not trying to lose weight, My best argument thus far for being a too hard recently and you need to check your roommates are considering get- the gritty, real vibe of Skins is a tribute yourself before you wreck yourself. Take ting an animal. They suggest a hedge- to this. The teens on this show demon- some silver bullets and aim for the heart. you’re becoming a vegetarian to follow the but rather gain knowledge. While being vegetarian is testing my will power. It’s been Zombies go down if you shoot ‘em in the trend—you won’t make it past your first an omnivore, my perception of food was fun to see if I can really follow through on a night off from swigging the liquor and hog. These lil’ guys are mild tempered, strate that the best way to celebrate life is sleep. cuddly fellows who like to nuzzle up to do drugs and party all the time with brain; just be careful they don’t nom on “I’m starved” meal. Your appetite for chick- limited by tunnel vision. Before eliminat- a daily mission; Lent restrictions and New you while you load your gun. en will return long before you’re a cool, rec- ing meat, I wouldn’t look twice at lentils or Year’s Eve Resolutions never worked for next to you and will create a nurturing your friends. Also, if you find random environment you’ve been needing. mushrooms in the woods when you are ognized trendsetter. legumes if I could just have chicken par- me. Within weeks, I always caved and went A month later, I’m still unsure as to mesan. I’m so much more willing now to about my normal routine. In college, I al- Capricorn: December 22-January 21 camping, definitely eat them because You’ve been stressed recently, so you’ll trip balls and have a great time. whether or not I’ll continue this diet for life. try new foods and appreciate them. Maybe ways wanted to disrupt my normal routine. It’s my failure to find a reason that makes that’s because I have no other choice, but Sure, moving to Vermont has done that, but take a week off from school and go There you have it. From reading this article, you have just it difficult to have this change feel perma- maybe it’s because vegetarianism is making becoming a vegetarian is a characteristic compete in The World Bog Snorkeling gained a whole school week’s worth of valuable knowledge! nent. Here’s what I’ve concluded thus far: me more adventurous. that has altered my identity. Will power is Championships in Wales. These tidbits are just some of the vital things you can learn 1. Meat is not unnatural. No matter 3. There are hundreds of PETA vid- a testament to our strength as humans and Pisces: February 19-March 20 from television, so don’t feel bad the next time you skip class how many times I’ve been told our bodies eos and Netflix documentaries about comes in the form of action or restriction. Mighty Fish, things have been going and bum on the couch. g aren’t equipped for the meat we eat, I will what we should eat. I don’t think I’ll ever It’s truly been an educational experience, your way recently, but the stars sense some never believe this. I ate meat, I survived, be horrified by the food industry (I mean, and even if I’m not a veg for life, I recom- negative vibes coming your way. Don’t fret, and I was healthy. Everyone is justified to come on, what really goes into mayonnaise mend it to other people taking a whack at just take arms with some papaya leaves and their opinions, but information from clubs or Oreos?), but I do support the necessity broadening their perspectives. g ward off the evil.g or extremists is not the best way to have the for a sustainable food system that is less en- hungarian overheard a conversation in b-town? man-catching was it hilarious? dumb? inspirational? someone on campus catch your eye? shit you need: stew tell the ear and we’ll print it. couldn’t get a name? - 1 big onion, minced uvm.edu/~watertwr/ear.html submit your love anonymously - 2 tbsp oil or butter uvm.edu/~watertwr/iwysb.html by ellieseitz - mixed cubed veggies: carrots, celery, peas, green beans, whatever - some sliced mushrooms, doesn’t really matter how many This past Christmas, my wonderful mother gave me a pretty awesome home- - ½ lemon, sliced A pair of post-cross’d lovers live their life; Your smile is your nicest accessory. 1st floor Bailey Howe made gift: a collection of my fave recipes, neatly packaged in a super-nerdy bind- - dill, parsley, tarragon, salt to taste whose misadventure ended in killer postcards You forgot what you were going to say and had a giggle- Girl 1: nice shoes! er. You can take your excess gratitude for most of the recipes I’ve shared with - ½ pound cubed pork or dark chicken meat Doth with their pen-pals bury their polish love fit. Girl 2: FOOTLOCKER, MOTHAHFUCKAH! you and send it to my mom in Ohio, if you so choose (do it, you dickheads, she - 1 cup cream I want to be the Morris to your Kapowski It was actually really cute. worked really hard on this). - 2-3 tbsp flour When: 8 days a week We should be debate partners sometime. Brennan’s Saturday Dinner Rush Anyways, I was recently paging through my yumyums binder, as I like to call - some lemon juice Where: Poland When: Wednesdays Respectable Young Lady 1: You know what we should do it, when I came across one of the several recipes written by my Hungarian grand- - 1 bouillon cube I saw: writeous lady Where: Citizen Debate and Advocacy tonight?!? Pauses... Get Drunk mother... in illegible handwriting... in Hungarian. So I called up the old G-ma and I am: literary lad I saw: The cutest girl in class. Respectable Young Lady 2: Well, I was going to go to Barnes said, “Yo Anyja. What’s this ‘legényfogó leves’ shiiiit you gave me a recipe for?” I am: Trying to learn to debate. and Noble to read and try and meet a mature guy.... But I (Hungarian is a beautiful language, is it not?). Then my grandmother responded shit you need to do I saw you playing pool guess we can get drunk instead. with the greatest thing I’ve ever heard: “Oh! This is Hungarian Man-Catching 1. Sauté the onions in oil or butter so focused and cool. I see you around from time to time Stew!” I shit you not. You looked so cute in that sweater Oh, what I wouldn’t do to make you mine. Fitness Center I now proudly possess the secret, ladies and dudes. According to my grand- 2. Add veggies, meat, herbs, salt, lemon The way you stroll, so nonchalant- Guy: You like a strap on? 3. Add 4 cups water and bouillon cube despite the change in the weather. mother, “All you need to do is whip this up, open your windows, and wait for the Your striking good looks Dude, I’ll do whatever you want! Girl: I like two strap ons. peens to arrive.” Her words exactly. With some of mine thrown in. I don’t even 4. Simmer for a few minutes have me avoiding my books. This is a little bit creepy, but I know you see me too care if you dumb bingbongs don’t cook this, I just wanted a public forum to talk 5. Thicken with cream mixed with flour So intent on the game, you never saw me staring So hit me up, I’m down for a little rendezvous. Patterson 3rd floor about how awesome my grandma is. Seriously though—this shit is delicious, and 6. Serve with a dollop of sour cream on each serving. Or not. and now you’ll never know what fun we could be sharing. And excuse me if I come off as an easy whore- Bro 1: (to Call Me Maybe playing): you guys are stupid. my grandma translated it into English for you all, so JUST COOK IT When: Monday afternoon But imagine, together, we’d have headbands galore. Bro 2: guilty! I love this song! ALREADY. g Where: At the pool table I want you so fucking bad. I saw: A handsome player When: Tues/ Thurs. In front of Bailey Howe I am: the cute girl by the fire Where: Psych Girl 1: Yeah I mean you looked like a fish but it was fine I saw: A sexy headband boy Girl 2: Really? catching some dinner with friends in the DC I am: Your headband lady Girl 1: Yeah everybody looked like monsters but once I just you were there as i walked out, right behind me accepted it, it was fine I stumbled, stuttered, and fumbled a little bit I hope you aren’t too cool or too old The way you looked at me really had me lit To read the wooder tower Ake’s place, sundays, 4:30 pm We exchanged a few glances, as i was befuddled Because as I watch the semester unfold Drunk girl: He just didn’t care! It’s like, great, I just got hit you were unbelievably cute, wish we could cuddle Ever nearer draws the hour by a car, now I’m dead, have fun dating a dead person. Sor- unfortunately, i turned and walked into wall When the Pres. of Nickelodeon speaks and you graduate ry, I’m being dramatic. instead of giving you my number, so you could call Then what the deuce will I do? Less drunk guy: So... you’re fine? When: Tuesday night Because thinking about it, at least, to date, Where: New World/B&Js in the DC I’ve never known UVM without you. Buell St. I saw: a cute girl with a killer smile I didn’t see it coming but you’ve come to be Intellectual: Admissions officers are the reason for the Ho- I am: a guy who missed out (also walked into a wall) The dino crunch to my mello-yellow locaust! Everything makes sense now!!!!! by colbynixon I’m kind of laid-back and a little bubbly So you step outside at approximately 8:07, headed to your 8:30 class. By the Layers are not a new concept—they’ve been used in baklava and seven layer Youre beautiful smile blows me away You’re a cool and crunchy fellow. Bailey/Howe lobby time you hit Pearl Street Bev (or whatever landmark happens to be 0.2 miles bars for years. All kidding aside, though, many outdoors people have promoted I see it almost everyday. Just don’t forget the 7 D’s, my dear Bro: Besides my Sperry’s, look how ‘Vermonty’ I look (un- from your house/apt/camper), you’re warming up. Damn, this isn’t good—a the idea of layering as a method for regulating your body temperature when the Your hot dreads and sexy sax And make sure to stay in touch zips Northface jacket). I’m wearing a vest! sweater (along with milk) was a poor choice for a blistering hot day such as this mercury decides to either rise or fall. Chances are, you won’t have a tauntaun make me wanna do more than chat. You’re an LNT master but you left a trace here (coming in at a balmy 56º). So how to combat this global warming phenom- available to keep you warm until you get the shelter built, à la Empire Strikes Hope you see this so you know I might VOEmP, I’ll miss you so much! Walkway to the Davis Center Tuesday enon? Layers. Lots of layers. Back, so you’ll have to get creative. Here are some of my favorites for layering: That I’m secretly lusting for you. So as your college career approaches the end Girl: Yeah? You had a date? Did you get a little handsy? Come visit sometime sexy sax player. It’s not that IWYSB Guy: I really don’t think this is the time or place to talk We can chat. I’m just saying thanks for being my friend about this. Besides a gentleman never asks and a lady never When: Almost err’ day And for all of the laughs that we’ve had. tells... Hold on, is that saying for weight or age? These suckers aren’t just for rain anymore. Weatherproof and fashionable, the rain jacket is a clas- Where: Music building When: on good days Girl: It’s for everything. Girls shouldn’t talk because it’s not sic go-to, especially on days when the cold winds are rising. I saw: A girl with hot dreads Where: in the mountains, around campus and on the their place... hahahahahahahaha, sexism jokes, huzzah! I am: Someone who loves you New Jersey Turnpike I saw: my TREK leader, prom date, ride home Brennan’s You’re blonde, I’m not. I am: not a biddie, I just like big sunglasses Girl: So he went to the doctor today. Got some anti-fungal You’re tan, I have potential. cream... for his penis. It keeps you warm without making your arms too warm (think North Face, You wear crimson lipstick, To the girl dressed in a top, black and white Columbia, etc, not three piece suit). Besides, vests are classy. and I thoroughly enjoy it. Or perhaps a sepia photograph Outside Mason I’ve seen you around for 1, 2, 3, 4 Etched onto my retinas in the light Freshman Bro 1: Dude, we NEVER leave our dorm... years now. The first time was in Harris. Though we’ve not met, I write the epitaph Freshman Bro 2: Yeah, I’ve never even been to the Marche... I think your boyfriend had a mustache. I approached Bailey-Howe from the Deathstar Then it was a class we had, Upon a concrete block, you ate your lunch Library, 3rd floor some reason to talk to you (you’re short, I’m tall) I took no heed, a quick glance from afar Girl 1: so my grandpa just called me and asked me how (you’re blonde). Today it was in the library (I’m not). Though I took a startle from your food’s crunch I was. And when I asked him he said, “Fantastic. I just You were at a table with a flowery laptop case Next, I realized, I was arrested smoked a lotta pot”. The refined development of your gaze For days when a rain jacket is just too aggressive, a windbreaker and I was in line at the printer. I think you smiled in my direction My male subjectivity was divested Outside Rowell will generally suffice. Because they are lightweight, these work great I was the only one it could faze Mild mannered gentleman: “Dude, I just have this perfect if you need to stash them somewhere. but I don’t think at me (you’re tan). You probably still have that mustached Hesitant emotional inertia booger I can’t wait to pick!” boyfriend but (I have potential) Perhaps a reunion by Minerva now you have this poem about you When: 2:30, Fri, 3/23 U Heights North 1 getting stuck in someone’s head too. Where: ‘tween Bailey and Davis Girl 1: What’s your favorite STD? (you’re blonde) I saw: a fine lady Girl 2: *awkward pause* (I’m not) I am: Bright blue sweater boy Girl 1: Well mine is chlamydia. Trust me, I know my STD’s. When: tuesday/11:30 Remember that scratchy, itchy stuff you used to wear under your Hal- Where: library Thursday exiting Terril loween costume every year? Well, it was so popular with turn of the I saw: blonde Surprised birthday girl: “Snowing? It’s birthday snow. I century explorers that there must be some sound reasoning behind it. It I am: not don’t get birthday sex, I get birthday snow...” makes a great mid range layer, and it’s not synthetic (for whatever good that does). g by kerrymartin On Sunday, March 11th, Sgt. Robert Bales broke into an Afghani home and massacred sixteen civilians. It was his fourth tour in Afghanistan, and in 2010 he sustained a traumatic brain injury but was later diagnosed fit to fight again. There were sixteen in all, nine of them children by katjaritchie When the eleven-year-old war broke the door of the building. Faces frozen in the fear with which we’ve instilled them, John Darnielle is a lyrical god. For those of you who The Sunset Tree album. If nothing else, just pay by carlymacconnell As the white madman filled them with bullets and killed them. don’t know whom I’m referring to, he’s the lead singer of attention to those lyrics. Seriously. Go. After America wept for 9/11’s disaster the Mountain Goats, who were founded by Darnielle in That said, there are still upcoming projects Somewhere amid these dusty tomes of alchemy We’ve fought fire with fire, massacre with massacre. Claremont, California in 1991, and have been providing for the Mountain Goats. Tallahassee, which in- I lose my heart, I lose my mind. I fragment Obama said sorry, it was just one sick bastard quirky acoustic lo-fi recordings full of pure poetry ever cludes “No Children”, came out on November Every day, yearning for the baptism Bred deep within the heart of American plaster. since. I worship this man. 5, 2002, and was Darnielle’s first-ever studio al- Of your touch, this holy water my reflection. Uncle Sam perpetrated this social condition, Granted, the Mountain Goats can be a little tedious to bum—before that, he’d been putting together cas- I haven’t slept in days; you say it’s folly, The supposition that Muslims are voodoo magicians. get into. Many of their early recordings sound quite similar sette and vinyl recordings from home. The album But I won’t rest ‘til I sate this hunger. The media maintains xenophobic superstition at first listen—fuzzy sound quality, lots of acoustic guitar, So Islamophobe recruits never fail on their mission. incorporates a more diverse set of instruments These words, my heart is racked with hunger; Some go further, itching to use the weapons they wield. and Darnielle’s voice more than a touch on the nasal side. played by various musical acts that Darnielle has But it’s all balanced out by the fact that the guy is a po- With all that I am I strive for you, for alchemy. Back on the field before his head injury healed. etic goddamn genius. Never before have I heard anyone or collaborated with over the years and, obviously, You tell me thoughts of love are folly, He knew his purpose, as his victims pleaded and kneeled, anything capable of stating such emotionally charged and is of a higher sound quality. Now, ten years later, Yet you leave out the verb; it’s just a fragment. To show that all war is hell the deal is sealed. powerfully relevant sentiments so simply and concisely. He aspiring producer Blade Barringer has taken to In these waters, I catch your reflection We cook our meals big but we like our wars bigger can basically encapsulate the meaning of life in one sen- the web via Kickstarter and compiled a bunch of obscure from Chicago called Daniel Albert, who musically goes As we meditate in our mutual baptism. And after four tours, your rank is gravedigger tence. It’s never how I would even begin to think of it, but indie artists to contribute to a cover album of Tallahas- by Bullfighter Jacket (?) is set to cover “No Children”. The The pins on his lapel, stepping-stones to hell it’s always fucking spot on. see. The album isn’t up until November 5th, but the track original piece, simply stated, is raw and fresh and full of Reborn in your eyes each time, my baptism So who are we to tell him “Let go of the trigger”? For instance, he ends “No Children”, an easier listen list and who’s-singing-what is out—plenty of time to get eloquent rage, on the backdrop of a piano and Darnielle Is a futile act, insatiable, born of hunger, that is wonderfully equal hooked on the original be- beating the shit out of an acoustic guitar. Bullfighter Jacket, For in your shadow I’m a sad reflection parts bitter and lyrical, fore going out and getting by comparison, sounds quietly psych-rock, with lots of Of my own true self. Can’t practice alchemy with “I am drowning/There “he can basically encap- the new versions. softly crooned falsetto, heavy on the reverb effects. With no want of gold; this sorry fragment, is no sign of land/You are Under the name Tal- On the other hand, the duo of brothers Lee and David Me of you, screams that I am naught but folly. coming down with me/ sulate the meaning of lahassee Turns Ten, the Ketch who call themselves Mooner sound pretty well suit- by katjaritchie Hand in unlovable hand.” project can be found on ed to cover “Southwood Plantation Road”, which is a quick Shall I, then, resign myself to flights of folly? Tumblr and Facebook. The and simple melody meant to be belted and ended abruptly. Forget my hallowed search for baptism— I like the feel of those words on my tongue, In “Going to Georgia”, a South Station. highly anticipated reunion life in one sentence.” list of cover bands proved Mooner is a little more straight-up rock, but they seem as Let what’s left of you and myself fragment. too obscure for me to rec- though they’ll have the right vibe to fit the part, and are Maybe it would feed this strident hunger It reminds me of going laden with all kinds of im- And I’m never still for long. plied post-relationship baggage, is summed up with “The ognize many artists, but actually not a bad listen overall. I’ll be anticipating the new This drive, this urge for alchemy you can expect an appearance from Kimya Dawson cover- album wondering how the hell anyone can do nasal acous- With me, unchanged, cleansed of your reflection. I watch the people as they hustle, most remarkable thing about you standing in the doorway, Like I do, is that it’s you, and that you’re standing in the doorway.” It ing “Game Shows Touch Our Lives” (another lyrical fave). tic Darnielle poetry better than John Darnielle himself,but Upon further extensive research (read: light Soundcloud admittedly, I’m pretty stoked to see how it works—and if If I close my eyes to my reflection, To terminals, gates, and loved ones, takes a little while to get habituated to the slightly off-kil- And wonder where they’ll lay their heads. ter-ness, but it’s well worth it. For some other good places perusal) on these hip motherfuckers covering the rest of nothing else, the track list is a whole mess of new indie shit Maybe I’ll see I’m only chasing folly the album, I found some pretty interesting contrasts from to explore for the next few months.g Hoping against hope that this alchemy As I state to myself in a whisper to start your Mountain Goats addiction, I’d recommend The place where this Greyhound is hurtling, those two songs, “Love Love Love”, and, hell, the entirety of the original Mountain Goats album. For example, a guy Will work. No river here for prayer or baptism, No Heaven’s manna to salve my hunger. (The alliteration rolls out smoothly, I’m no longer content to be your fragment. South Station) I know what to expect from Boston. When I leave my pen to rest, this fragment It will be loud and rude and the coffee will be cheap, Of a thought returns, its own reflection And I’ll want a cigarette and not get to have one, Burning, seething, with a hunger Because I forgot a new pack, That won’t be eased; it’s my own folly And because, for once, you’ll be waiting. That brought this end. No rest, no baptism, This isn’t my first time I’ve wound down these pine tree highways No calm for the girl who tries to live through alchemy. To feel my boots on the concrete, Sigh with joy at the corner of Beach and Atlantic, by joesiebert If it’s a fragment of a girl you want, then it’s your folly But I’ve never gone without tricking myself Two weeks ago, New York-based art- critical acclaim, Brown emerged as the Juice up in the party, you know we gettin’ expect. His vast wealth funds his enor- And your shame if my reflection doesn’t match. If baptism’s Into thinking you’ll be there to pull me together ist A-Trak released a new song. Although most promising new rapper circulating trippy.” And, after all, gettin’ trippy is the mous drug problem, which, for him, is not As useless as this hunger for you, I’ll become golden on my own; no need for alchemy. And pick up my bags. you may not recognize his name, A-Trak in the blogosphere. On XXX, Brown bal- aim of “Piss Test”. a problem at all. Now that I’m indifferent to being alone, has been making good music for close to ances anthemic drug raps like “Blunt After Juice lets A-Trak’s weird-ass beat loop Danny Brown enters after a second At last I’ll be seeing you 15 years now. He started as a DJ in the Blunt” and “Adderall Admiral” with satis- a few times before he takes to the mic and refrain of Juicy J’s heartfelt chorus, bring- When I get to South Station. mid-1990s and since then has expanded fying introspective hood narratives. begins chanting, “Fuck a PO, fuck a drug ing with him loads of raunchy sex and, of his work into electro house music and course, more drugs. En route to that final hip hop production, providing electronic- line mentioned earlier, Brown defiles the tinged beats and remixes for rappers such Jack and the Beanstalk fairy tale, asks the as Kid Sister and Lupe Fiasco. Most nota- listener to call him former NFL quarter- bly though, he produced 2010’s party hit, back Troy Aiken and French kisses some- with kerrymartin “Barbara Streisand” as one half of the elec- one else’s girlfriend with some MDMA We’re all hands, every working person is hands tronic duo, Duck Sauce. He also owns the under his tongue. Such is life for Danny On those long days, when the average Catamount gets batted between Every country’s labor, Kazakhstan’s and Japan’s. independent record label, Fool’s Gold. All Brown. And, to go along with the out- Old Mill, Bailey Howe, and the Grundle eight times, encountering the All your favorite bands that sell out to brands of this makes him, in many ways, a poor landish content, Brown delivers his lines intolerably pretentious professors and the accidentally hipster homeless, Everyone’s a victim but no one understands. man’s Diplo. with an erratic flow that complements the it’s in our nature to sit down, take a deep breath, and make sense of our The American Dream? An American Myth Anyway, his new song is, more or strangeness of the whole song. jumbled thoughts through lyrical genius. Now, for the first time, all you Made to look easy by Adam Smith. less, exactly what I expected. I mean, a After he finishes, it’s clear that Danny aspiring UVMCs can expose your hip-hop taste buds to the water tower He failed to see the avarice that would come with hip hop cut entitled “Piss Test” produced Brown has stolen the show. In Juice’s de- by rapping on a variety of topics. This week, we form a commune against That a fat paycheck is like drinking a fifth. by a electro DJ and featuring Juicy J and With that said, “drug-craving lunatic” test.” After a few repetitions of this un- fense though, Danny Brown is probably Capitalism. It’s the root of all evil, but I need some cash Danny Brown, two drug-craving lunatics, perfectly describes Juicy J. As part of the rhymed, yet sincere pair of lines, he jumps the only rapper weird enough to take full To buy a car, wear a suit, fill my weapons’ stash can only do one thing: reject urine testing legendary Memphis hip hop group Three into his verse, which he spends both advantage of A-Trak’s bizarre, party synth- Next week, we snitch on Drug Dealers. Send your flows to kmar- So we can bomb all our excess shit in a flash as a means to celebrate drugs. 6 Mafia, Juice has sustained a 20-year ca- counting his money and describing his drenched production. Regardless of who [email protected] by Thursday at 4:00 PM with the subject “My flow is And a new economy can be born from the ash. To be fair though, reducing Danny reer by glorifying his sex-filled, violence- current state of fucked-upness. Lines like outshines who though, “Piss Test” leaves too grimy, Ganges River” (or something to that effect). The week after Til then, we float around in supplies and demands Brown to a “drug-craving luna- plagued and drug-addled life. But that’s “You say no to drugs, that means more for me wondering why this is the first song to next, we write up The Cops (you can send me those raps too). Anybody, And try to show the world that we’ve got more than hands. tic” is perverse. Last year, after alright, because as Danny Brown puts it me,” and “Pockets fulla dirty money, body bring these rappers together. g PLEASE SUBMIT RAPS!!! by Marxist masturbator Kerry Martin releasing his album XXX, to in the last line of his verse, when “Uncle fulla drugs,” give you an idea of what to by gregjacobs by gregjacobs

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