3 j

ELECTRIC CAFE INTERVIEW VALENTINES DAY

Win Reactive John Hegley talks Send Us Your Classics CD Potatoes Messages

Andy Heeps: C&G Union a Joke'

DAVID ROBERTS a motion commending the actions of the OMC, but At a surprisingly vocal asking the C&CU meeting of the City &. Executive to produce reg- Guilds Officers and ular reports so that ICU Members Council (OMC) Executive can monitor last Monday, a year of per- their progress. Speaking to ceived inactivity and Felix Andy Heeps, ICU incompetence from the President, said that "it C&.G Union Executive final- would be unrealistic to ly came to a head with the expect great changes this presentation of a motion year... but by recognising of no-confidence in Vivake that they have a problem Bhalla, the C8JGU OMC have made the first President. However, as Mr step to improving C&GU". Bhalla was absent from the However, Mr Heeps meeting, and thus unable pointed out that it would to defend himself, C&GU be wrong to put all of the rules forbade the proposal blame for the problems in being put to a vote, and C&C this year on Mr instead the OMC passed a Bhalla; "Vivake has been motion to convene an made into some kind of Emergency Meeting on Heeps makes his point while Jon Lambert, scapegoat, but all he's Tuesday 10 February, Council Chair, looks on. Photo: Ivan Chan done wrong is not know- where the motion of no- ing when to give in". This confidence would be discussed, threatening to push for a motion of point was emphasised by Hannah with or without Mr Bhalla. no-confidence in the entire Guilds Pearson, CfkG Association Rep, This move has been welcomed Executive. Instead ICU Council, who sees last year's elections as by the ICU Executive, who were who met on Tuesday night, passed continues on page three

Boat Club Bus Found in Thames

ANDY OFORI the boat club captain, who was fate. The incidents are sympto- amongst those training at the time, matic of a six month spate of van- The IC Boat Club's minibus has could only describe the experience dalism in the Putney area; clothing, recently been placed into early as "very bizarre". personal belongings and outboard retirement, after being engines have all been The found bobbing in the stolen from several nearby Thames. Vandals broke boat clubs. The crime Students' into the vehicle in the early wave has even extended Newspaper hours of a winter's morn- to the theft of a 30ft trail- ing, released the hand er from one club. at Imperial brake, and pushed the bus The police have con- College into the River Thames. ducted an investigation The following day, dur- into the incident. New ing an early morning train- security measures have ing session, a team of been installed, and patrols in the area have been Issue rowers were astounded to discover their minibus had stepped up. The boat 1 106 joined them in the water. club's coach, Bill Mason, The drenched bus had to The drowned vehicle. Photo: Ian Channing described the act as a 6 be pushed back the "sick joke" but was heart- 500yds it had drifted downstream, The boat club's minibus is not ened by the fact that high levels of February and was placed outside the boat the only vehicle to fall foul of the security have limited attacks on the 1998 club, where it has taken up perma- hooligans, a number of other cars boathouse to this solitary event. nent residence. Jules Davenport, in the area have suffered a similar continues on page three NEWS 6 February 1998

NUS to Strike News in Brief...

ALOK JHA actions of the NUS will force a re- thinking of the Teaching and Higher as will Guy's. Speaking to the The NUS announced last week Education Bill, which proposes the FEES REPRIEVE Commons, Frank Dobson, the that its plans for a shutdown of idea of tuition fees and is currently Health Sectretary, said "We will Further and Higher Education being passed through the House of The new university tuition fees not countenance the closure of centres across the country has Lords. introduced by the government that great hospital which has been overwhelmingly supported Douglas Trainer, NUS presi- last year have once again been served the people of London for by a national ballot. dent, said that, "this is a fight we watered down. In an attempt to 875 years." On 4 March, over 130 universi- can win and we will defeat the ease the current higher education The closure of Bart's was first ties and colleges will close down. Government. The national shut- funding crisis, all new students are proposed in 1992 by the Student unions will be the centre of down will show our anger. Fees being asked to contribute £ 1000 a Tomlinson report, and the hospi- the campaign on the day, with over are killing access to Higher year towards their course costs. tal was due to close by 2001, with two million students taking part. Education, they will destroy our However, in the summer, the services transferred to the Royal Support will also come from other universities and colleges just as Department of Education agreed London. teaching and campus trade unions. they destroy would-be students' to make the charge means-test- Meanwhile, the merger of The day of protest follows what the dreams of higher education." ed, exempting students from Hammersmith (home of the NUS call a "carefully planned battle Government figures released poorer families from the charge. RPMS) and Charring Cross of attack against the Government's last December revealed a drop of Now, students are being offered Hospitals is to be accelerated, and plans to introduce fees" which has, 20,000 in the number of applica- an amnesty period, and will not is to include the transfer of Queen so far, included a day of protest tions to universities, showing the have to pay until January 1999. Charlotte's to the Hammersmith last November, a Week of Action in concern that many school leavers Diana Warwick, Chief Executive of site. Indeed, the report marks December, and a series of lobbies are feeling at the idea of having to the Committee of Chancellors and Hammersmith out to be devel- on parliament. pay for their higher education. Vice Chancellors (CVCP) who oped into an international centre The NUS claim that students Many universities are considering made the decision explained that of excellence, which therefore and their parents contribute various measures that will allow "Students will be invoiced when stands to benefit heavily from the enough to Higher Education, and students to pay less, such as begin- they arrive at university, and we extra £140 million promised for that business and industry should ning the courses in spring or reduc- expect most to pay immediately. the NHS in the capital. now be making a more 'formal' ing the total course length. But those students who experi- contribution. It is hoped that the ence real difficulty in meeting the full amount straight away will now PI CONSUMES have more time to pay. The student newspaper at University College London, Pi, has BARTS SAVED merged with its smaller brother Warning: Speakers The Week. Pi had been losing rev- St Bartholemew's hospital was enue in recent years and was granted a reprieve from the threat forced to rely heavily on UCL of closure on Tuesday, when the Union for support. In order to Unsound government accepted the recom- save funds, it has merged with the mendations of an independent union's 'what's on' newspaper. review of London's hospitals. The name has been retained, and TONY OFOR1 dent was then freed. Bart's will continue as a specialist the paper is now being published This was one success in a long centre for cancer and heart condi- weekly. On Thursday of last week a resi- line of attempts to con IC students tions, but will loose its A E role, dent of Bernard Sunley Hall was by a group claiming to be delivery mugged. While on his way to col- men. One hall warden described it lege, the student was stopped on as "a premeditated and organised Queen's Gate by two men who scam". Other students have also Election Update pulled up in a white van. The driver been accosted, and some have asked the student whether he even purchased the speakers, only NEWS TEAM Cherrington has yet to find a pro- wanted to buy some cheap hi-fi later to find that they are extremely poser. Felix Editor is being con- speakers. The student declined, poor quality. Papers for Sabbatical elections tested by two candidates, Alok Jha but the man persisted, so the stu- The scale of this fraudulent come down today. Anyone wish- and Ed Sexton, both of whom are dent explained that he had to go operation is not known for certain, ing to run for a position must be proposed and fully seconded. because he was late for college. but it would seem that more than signed up, along with a proposer Niall Darwin has signed up for The man offered him a lift and the one partnership is operating in the and twenty seconders, by 6pm Deputy President (Finance and student agreed, and got into the South Kensington area. The deliv- this evening. As Felix went to Services), but has yet to find his back of the van. Once inside the ery men target students and tend press, seven candidates had seconders. driver's accomplice, who had been to use various excuses to explain signed up. David Hellard and Jon In a change from the dates quiet until now, told the student to how they got hold of the merchan- Lambert are running for ICU printed in last week's Felix, hand over his money. Due to the dise. The audio name on the side President; both have been pro- Hustings are to be held on man's threatening behaviour the of the vehicle, along with the deliv- posed and are fully seconded. Monday 16 (ICU), Tuesday 17 student obliged, but the ordeal did ery registration form they often There are three candidates for (Charing Cross) and Wednesday not end there. After discovering brandish, serve to increase the Deputy President (Clubs and 18 (St. Mary's) February. Voting is which bank the student patronised, apparent authenticity of their con. Societies); Simon Cooper, Ben in all departments on Monday 23 the driver took him to a branch and College security are aware of the Janes and Adam Cherrington. At and Tuesday 24 February. forced him to withdraw £40 from a situation and the police have been the time of writing none of them cash dispensing machine. The stu- informed. had twenty seconders, and Adam 6 February 1998 NEWS

Shephard Fails to Excite Con Soc Flock

DAVID ROBERTS Moving on to attack Labour, the chance to register their feeling maximise quality and choice". She she responded to Peter on the issue. Highlighting her own feels that this would best be Rt Hon Gillian Shephard, Member Mandelson's case, she achieved by attaching funding to of Parliament for Norfolk South- description of claimed that the individual students, so that they west and former Minister for the Opposition people of bring funding with them to their Education and Employment, as "pathetic", Norfolk feel no university, thus increasing competi- addressed a Consoc meeting on claiming that desire to merge tion amongst HE institutions. More Wednesday. She spoke briefly on Labour them- with Hertford- importantly, Mrs Shephard empha- the task of the Conservative party selves are to shire or Essex in sised that a Conservative govern- in opposition, which she described blame for the m a potential new ment would not have abolished the as "asking the unanswerable", and trivialisation of mgm regional assem- maintenance grant, but would have her specialist area of Higher recent discussion flH bly for East moved to cap student numbers, Education. in the Commons, Anglia. with Mrs Shephard for one feeling Mrs Shephard began by outlin- as they are Moving on that any further increases in num- ing the reasons why she felt the attempting to by to the Higher bers would be detrimental. Her Tories had lost the last General pass Parliament Education concluding comments focused on Election, which she saw as prob- completely, by H debate, Mrs the need to increase the respect lems of elector tedium, splits over issuing press Shephard added given to Higher Education - partic- Europe, and the Party appearing releases to I that a compre- ularly the 'new' universities. out-dated. She anticipates a com- declare policy. hensive overhaul Speaking in their defence, she plete reform of Conservative Policy, Mrs Shepharc of the University pointed out that "in my day you led by William Hague and Peter system was nec- could get a degree in sport at Lilley's 'Listening to Britain' cam- Ministers either essary, consid- Oxford. It would have been called paign, to be launched next month. avoid questions, ering the mas- English or History or something, She emphasised that it is important or claim that the subject is 'under sive increases in student numbers but basically it would have been a not to get too heavily bogged down review'. Finally, she emphasised since the issue was last addressed degree in sport". by policy at this stage, citing Mrs that the process of devolution had in the sixties. The key is, according Thatcher, who had "travelled light" not been thoroughly thought out, to Ms Shephard, to ensure that during the seventies. and no English voter had ever had public money is fairly distributed "to

Watery Grave for Boat Eric Allsop: 'C&G Union Club Bedford is a Bunch of Arse' continued from front page of controversy. The facilitating continued from front page captain". grant was awarded by an IC sports Looking to the future, it is He went on to explain that this act fund known as the Harlington the root of the problem: "The can- realised that the problems of of wanton destruction came as a Trust, but almost immediately didates stand as individuals, not as CJkGU cannot be solved immedi- particular blow to the club from a afterwards the trust decided that it potential members... most are just ately, and go back far beyond this financial as well as a logistical point would no longer consider applica- after CV points and don't realise year - Eric Allsop, former ICU of view, but was certain that club tions for club minibuses. Frank the commitment involved". President, suggested that C&CU would "just get on". The bus, which Murray, the sports and leisure If the motion of no-confidence had been going downhill since he was estimated to be worth manager, justified the move, com- is passed (or if, as has been came to Imperial in 1989. £15,000, suffered irreparable dam- menting "it is essential the club gets rumoured, Mr Bhalla resigns) a However, Andy Heeps comment- age as a result of rust, ruined to regattas." He went on to temporary President will be elect- ed that whilst no overnight electrics and sodden upholstery. describe the sizeable amount of ed by the OMC, until the results of changes can be expected, he Jules Davenport stated "it looks equipment required for the meets the C&JGU elections are would like to see Guilds "taking the okay, but nothing works and every which are invariably held significant announced on 3 March. The newly first steps... reviewing their consti- now and again a bit more water distances away from college. elected President would then take- tution, sorting out their finances, runs out from somewhere." The The Boat Club is currently hiring over immediately. It is hoped that and building up a solid first step in minibus was officially declared a out buses through the union, which this move would provide the nec- the chain of the command". Mr write-off by insurers last week and brings them into line with other essary catalyst to begin the Heeps promised that only if such plans are now being made to pur- clubs and societies. Frank Murray process of renewal in Guilds. In the steps fail to be achieved will he chase a second-hand replacement. outlined plans for financing a words of Selina Vinayaga-Pavan, use his newly mandated powers to Felix has been informed that the replacement minibus, suggesting C&X. Publicity and Welfare Officer, take greater control of the running insurance company plan to reim- that a request to the Harlington "Exec is supposed to be a team, of C&X,. burse the Boat Club about £7,000. Fund could make up the balance and we have finally realised that to The Boat Club originally after the insurance pay-out. function properly we need that obtained the minibus under a cloud team - but every team needs a INCOMING 6 February 1998

Once More Unto the Letters to Felix, Polls, Dear Friends

"SORRY" SAY Anyone who has had the misfor- directed to such destructive ends. tune to come up against these cir- As a non-executive director of HOCKEY LADS cumstances please comment! Shell Transport and Trading and the Since the senior management Rector of Imperial College, we call Dear (Deidre), has had little to say on the subject. on you to clarify this conflict of Boar House Awash This letter comes from the sin- It is time the Great British Bulldog interests. with Dosh cere heart of all the members of was silenced. This is the last chance to sign!!! the men's I st hockey team. C.Chan You can sign on the Web by 111 It has come to our attention going to: that there seems to be some ani- www. EarthCorp.com/ensoc mosity towards the whole team OILY INTERESTS from other members of the hockey Suzanne Aigrain club. We were unaware that our Dear Felix ([email protected]) boyish jovialities were causing such 1 am writing as a member of the grief. We were shocked and sur- ICU Environmental Society. A lot of FELIX prised to be accused of being arro- people may have noticed that we WHAT DO DEP gant, although we'd like to point have been collecting signatures for out that this is due to high spirits a petition to Sir Ronald Oxburgh, REPS DO? GOOD Issue 1106 after good fortunes. Rector of the college, asking him to We'd like to apologise profuse- clarify his position on the close links QUESTION... ly for our actions, and we hope that between IC and the Oil industry. 6 February 1998 you can find it in your heart to for- Imperial's funding is increasing- Dear Jeremy, give us. We cannot, however, make ly coming from Oil companies with What is a Dep Rep? This is a any promises about our future con- a reputation for appalling environ- question which a lot of people duct. mental distruction, denial of Global have been asking me recently, Hope this goes some way Warming and links with assassina- whilst stumbling through the !.<-...> ;., :',i>;.-'.;i,Vi, "ivV? f'tMi, : towards bridging the vertiable tions. We would prefer to be fund- Presidential Suite, and so I'd like to Internal tel: 5807Z, fax: 48072. chasm that has developed. ed through companies associated set the record straight once and for hjireri.il irl is. lax 0171 504 K072 All our love and lairiness, with alternative energy forms and all. IC Men's 1st hockey team, ethical investments and through To cut out the nonsense, your 48086, external: 0171 504 8086. mainly Steve Morrell. state money. Dep Rep is your MP. Any problems Lh.i;\<\: h f/ciffs;..i;k Oil companies are investing a you have whilst you are at IC, small proportion of their budget whether you are an undergraduate, !:;'k )-:, >.-;-.'>;.:v; . :->:< ('; .; . ' BITCH ALERT into renewable sources of energy postgraduate, first year, final year, :'..'.:! " i 'I! but they are making no move to or EVEN A MEDIC, your Dep Rep's Dear Editor reduce overall oil consumption. On job is to... well, REPRESENT you. The Great British Bulldog is the contrary, they are planning So when you've got a problem alive in the guise of the Assistant continued expansion of fossil fuel with a lecturer, you should go and s: ' Accommodation Officer. consumption in the 21st century see your Dep Rep, who can sort I had heard rumours of the (eg. By investing huge amounts the problem out at staff-student Copyright (& Felix 1998. Photo- inferior treatment other students into exploration of new fields such meetings. And when you think the graphic copyrights remain with had received at the hands of this as the North Atlantic frontier), prices in the da Vinci's are far too oiifV;o«r,J,;:>!"!e;-'S- rude and boorish individual. whilst lobbing persistently to extortionate, then - tell your Dep 1 had not believed any of it, undermine international agree- Rep, who has a full vote on ICU until I was on the recieving end of ments to limit greenhouse emis- Council, and can therefore... REP- this woman's aggressive, hostile sions. RESENT you. Prince Consort Road, London, and overbearing manner. The Text of the petition is as Are we getting the general 071. My mistake was to ask for follows: idea? Now you may be asking who assistance in finding accommoda- To Sir Ronald Oxburgh, Rector of your dep rep is. Believe me, I often tion in the private sector. English is Imperial College: ask the same question. Contact Email: [email protected]. not my first language, like so many We the undersigned are con- your CCU (Constituent College other students at l.C. I had gone to cerned by the college's close finan- Union) President, and find out, and this office for advice, but was treat- cial links with the oil industry and then hassle them into doing their ed in a diminuative way. hence our association with the job properly. Most Dep Reps are . !f Subsequently my command of the environmental damage, exploita- very good at their jobs, but there English Language was questioned tion of third world resources, sup- are some who leave a lot to be Ne'AS Elinors. -\ndy Sinhaiav cino and also whether I had the ability pression of human rights and links desired. Take the power back, find Ed Sexton. to be studing in this institution. with the arms trade which arise out if you're being represented Phorogranhic Lcluor Kan Chan This incident happened a from that industry's activities. We properly and if not - change them. Icacures Erliror Jon Trui month ago, and to my knowledge do not wish our education and the Best wishes (oh, and a belated Music Editors: the situation is still going on. direction of our research to be happy new year, folks), ),>.:. < Jha Andy Heeps Film Editor: Chris Hickey ICU President Arts Editors: Danuta Pieter &. Deadline for letters is 6pm Tuesday. Letters may be edited for length, but will not be altered or corrected in any other way. Sr. :or: Jacob Letters may be signed or anonymous, but please show your swipe card when submitting them. Rig! serfs 6 February 1998 NOTICES EDITORIAL

THE Crigses! Editorial

TIME TO ABOLISH of the more conscientious ones, FELIX IT'S they inform department via the WEEK THE CCUs staff-student committees, but the department does nothing. The end Arts Meeting - noon. For all inter- The problems of the City and of the course rolls along (assuming ested in exhibitions and theatre BUDGET Guilds Union this year serve as a you're still doing it), and you fill in Features Meeting - I pm. If you pointed reminder; it's time to face the end of term questionnaire. "Oh want to write or layout features, up to reality and admit what our say the department, "Dr take photographs, or just have an dear", CCUs have become - outdated idea, come along. Death got a bad response this year. Books Meeting - 1 pm. For all self-serving remanents or their for- Never mind, let's give him to the literary types. mer selves that eat up resources first-years next time." And that's if and do hardly anyone any good. It you're lucky. But don't worry, TUESDAY h) IS -i ; i- bio) would be ludicrous to have five stu- there's always the CCU bar night to News Meeting - 1 pm. For all I O dlO : : 0" dent unions at Imperial College, drown your problems, maybe. OOO:,0: writers, researchers and v., 00fc,p,< ?$fjl f>0#!?iJ" but the student union identity is Close 'em down. Get rid of the

photographers OSSCS1 fiiftv SdSSdoO' id ' still endemic in the CCUs. While archaic names and crests, burn the Film Meeting - 12 noon. IP-dssoiOr they are still called unions, the atti- regalia. We don't need half-arsed tude that they should be providing unions, we need a properly run social facilities will prevail even academic support service for stu- Madness all day 10am - 3am. though the ability to do so it far dents, people who are approach- Not recommended for the jepordise your chances of beyond their resources and com- able and efficient with real powers uninitiated. ; : cosspi ssop' dwsd'ddrpO Soss petence. IC School of Medicine to make changes in the depart- ytmoo S*« brvm' !s3€ cd t ^ Union is the only CCU in living ments. Do it now.

ooo:< %m?bA memory that has run a 'proper' Music meeting - 12.30pm students' union, and many of their News meeting - 1 pm 'b-b "'haorbf, facilities are duplicated or bettered AT HOME BY THE by ICU. Unfortunately, the inability of RIVER? the CCUs to do the job they think they should be doing interferes The poor state of IC's halls of resi- HAIR NEWS HAIR NEWS HAIR NEWS with their attempts to do the job dence is well known - I've heard an they should be doing; namely, aca- estimate of £3 million just to keep demic support and advice for stu- Southside Hall running safely. dents. Such support is woefully The rich state of the IC boat lacking at IC (see my rant in Felix club is also well known - They've 1 103) and though it would be great just received £703,500 from the HAIR CUT if college overhauled the system, National Lottery. (Felix 1 105) it's really down to the students of Perhaps less well known are ICU to take the initiative. two futher facts; that the new boat Let's look at a specific exam- house will incorporate nine study- £8.00 ple. You enroll on a new course, a bedrooms (for use of the boat club difficult one, only to find that you team members only), and that lot- UNISEX UNISEX UNISEX UNISEX UNISEX lecturer is inaudible / incompetent / tery grants cannot be used to fund INCLUDES: wrong / failing to turn up at all. accommodation. What can you do? At present, not So who's paying for the bed- cV CONSULTATION with stylist to discuss your style, tty much. If you are fortunate enough rooms? It wouldn't be coming out a new look and leatn how to manage and control your hair, to have a dep rep, then you can of the reisdences budget would it? complain to them. If they are one 1 think we should be told. =3r- SHAMPOO followed by Herbal Conditioner and scalp massage.

V PRECISION HAIR CUT by fully qualified hair stylist, Small experienced in modern haitdressing. Ads

USE OF HAIRDRIER with complementary gel or Wanted Musicians Required mousse to finish your style. Young men and women to play Guitarist and / or vocalist to form mixed hockey on the occasional band performing original material. OPEN 9 00AM - 6.00PM Sunday. No skill required, every- Call 0181 790 6650 or email Last Appointment for Hair Cut 6.00pm one will get a game and a good [email protected]. Phone for information on other special offers, e.g. Perms. Highlights. Tints. laugh is guaranteed. Contact Ben on [email protected]. See the Jack Doherty Show live, TREVOR ROY SALON totally free. 52 Kensington Church Street, W8 For Sale Tickets available 5.30pm Monday New Tx Pro motherboard, £80 to Thursday throughout February. TEL: 0171 937 6413 ono. Phone x42074 or email Filming at the Whitehall theatre, 3 minutes from High St. Kensington & Notting Hill Gate [email protected]. Charing Cross. Call 01 71 287 0045. COLUMNS 6 February 1998

As you read this I shall election in order to put some- a humble wordsmith. In fact, Arts Centre was paid for, remov- be on the piste in thing back into the Union or wish they are both so good that I plan ing the need for this embarrass- Austria, but ever aware of my to change things for the better. to commit electoral fraud and ing art-by-numbers farrago we duty to you, dear reader, this Others stand in the vain hope of vote for both of them several are currently enduring; it would was written last Friday, making it disguising the fact they have a times. Best of British to you all. take about 15 minutes if we also a tad less topical than usual (no crap degree or can't decide what collectively stopped drinking. sniggering at the back, please). to do next year or quite like the As whining elements within Though the current exhibition is Like a bolt from the blue, the idea of being a perpetual stu- College are keen to remind us, a a slight improvement, in much Sabbatical elections are upon us dent. If you fall lot of people at the same way as measles are again. Those new to IC may think into any of the o Imperial smoke, preferable to mumps, I must ask this sets the pulse racing in second group . often in the jCR. if the shameless prostration of much the same way as a of categories, CD Let's assume Imperial at the feet of the European by-election in please don't that there are Lottery Arts Board. As I have said Cleethorpes, and usually it does, waste our time. TO 15,000 staff and before, there is much very good but last year was less than typi- You will lose, f~t students at this contemporary British art out cal. It is easy to criticise the vot- and your char- DQ } place (assume, there, which would nicely ers for the shambles of four elec- acter will be ("^ because no one embrace art and science, such as tions, but when faced with some comprehen- C in Sherfield some of the sculpture in Damien of the clowns who stood in early sively assassi- o P"™1 seems to know Hirst's new restaurant. What we rounds, it is hardly surprising. nated in Felix ' W" -mZZ. how many are get is conceptual art, devoid of Thankfully, when the dust finally by yours truly tSS -V on the payroll). meaning so that criticism can be settled, we ended up with a pret- and others. I'm I~+ Probably 30- ridiculed. God spare us this ty good set of sabbaticals, who not really sup- 40% smoke and, rubbish. have done rather well this year. posed to talk about individual for sake of argument, at a rate of Some of you have already thrown candidates, but forgive me this 10 per day. That's a lot of baccy, your name into the hat and once. Both candidates for Felix about £3.2 million. In other doubtless more will join them, Editor, and others yet to come, words, if everyone stopped and so let Uncle Simon offer you the are truly magnificent people, graciously donated this money to benefit of his wisdom on this Titans among men, who will the College, it would take exactly subject. Some people stand for surely appreciate the services of 12 months before the Music and

Electrical/Computer Engineering and Physics Majors Looking for a career with a global industry leader?

Lutron Electronics is the world leader in the design and manufacture of nmrnn lighting controls. We are an innovative, privately held, mid-size company with average sales growth of 20% per year. Founded in 1961, we are an international company with offices in the United States, England, Germany, Hong Kong, Japan, Singapore and manufacturing facilities in Puerto Rico, St. Kitts and the United States. Our Headquarters and Engineering Design Center are located near Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, USA.

Career Presentation/ Company Information Session Monday 16 February 1998 6:00 pm - 7:30 pm 317 BSherfieid Building

Please sign up in Careers Service or e-mail us at [email protected] by 11 February if you plan to attend

Reveal cfowi love t&ii, 'VatmtutcA "Day with "pelix. "P

cfoun toveet nothing in finint. www.lutron.com THOUGHT FOR THE DAY Court Debts, Headsets and Plastic Pets

before a certain company got in on force us to listen to. "T - tt - tt - ttt aware, is electronic pets. One the act. The last I heard of the tale - t - tt - tt - tttt," usually comes might think that the back-breaking is that he was suing the aforemen- from the warped music collection responsibility of parenthood is tioned multinational for "shitloads of some piece of degenerate scum something to be anticipated with of cash". Whether or not the pro- who wears a vast pair of trousers trepidation, so I do not see the tagonist was successful in his bid I probably fashioned from two stolen advantage in being woken up at 4 do not know, but given the old airstrip windsocks and a jacket a.m. by a maladjusted Micro Pet. adage that people are innocent as made using polychromic cast-offs People walk around with the ugly, long as they have a better lawyer from a Goodyear factory, who cheap-looking ellipsoid hunks of than the opposition, he is probably assures us that we all want to sam- PVC~ dangling from their belts, still in jail paying court costs. Some ple his aural delights. The alterna- cranky devices demanding con- of you might feel rather sorry for tive is not much better; "Chh chh stant and immediate attention. It this once hopeful wretch, but I pour chh chh chh chh chh chh," plods seems ironic that it is normally con- scorn on such sympathy; nobody the metallic dirge, and the din sidered an advantage to construct wanted the damn things anyway. seems to be competing for atten- equipment that does not require There was once a time when tion with the mind-wilting smell regular servicing. And will we soon Beep! Beep! Feed me! the hustle and bustle of the great emanating from the bizarrely-shorn see the problem of unwanted ani- Beep! Beep! Love me! communal tube trains was a form individual in question. mals, stray CPUs abandoned by Beep! Beep! Crunch. of music; the percussive "rat-a-tat- Yes, personal electronic com- their owners, having to be collected tat" of the wheels combined with panions are here to stay, and I feel by the RSPCA and eventually put to remember a story a year or two the orchestral mumble of distin- that many miniaturisation experts sleep by lethal battery removal? I ago about a bloke who claimed guished gentlemen and the hoi pol- at this College are entirely respon- What is the world coming to? to have drawn up patents for a loi alike. It certainly differs from the sible. The latest installment of « All Campbell "personal stereo system", long forms of music that other people pointless silicon, as everybody is

So, Tony Blair is off to broadly similar position in the politi- first one to prepare retaliatory EU Sandhurst, the Army's Officer Washington. It is one of the side- cal spectrum, and are known to be measures against the U.S. Helms- Academy). Anglo-Israeli relations line jobs of most heads of state to good friends as well as good col- Burton Act, punishing foreign com- had never been good, starting with pop over to the meet the Leader of leagues. Both leaders are extremely panies for investing in Cuba, Iran or the St David's Hotel bombing after the Free World for tea and sand- useful to each other, with Blair's 'star' Libya. This was done with the full war, with claims that the present wiches. For the smaller countries, status, along with Britain's recent support of the British Government. Israeli Government is descended this usually means some good pub- 'Cool Britannia1 image overseas, pro- Britain has also called for the U.S. to from a terrorist group, Most observ- licity, with 'our man' hob-nobbing viding some useful political capital pay what it owes to the United er comment that Israel as a state with the US President. For Britain, for the President. It seems Blair has Nations, remarking that they would never have got off the ground the situation is slightly different. plenty to gain from being associated "shouldn't have representation with- if were not for the support of the American patriotism is defined by with the United States. out taxation", which raised a few U.S. Government. their declaration of independence Unfortunately for us, relations are hackles. So on an area of potential divide from Britain, and along with the usually unequal. We Britain is On the situation in the Gulf, the between the U.S. and Britain, Britain Irish-American question, there has undoubtedly the junior partner in the U.S. and Britain are completely in stands side by side, the only country always been a slight anti-British special relationship, something agreement. Many Gulf observers are publicly to do so. It seems that our undercurrent within the American Government has got to like a new population. Relations also depend tactic of standing by other on the ideology of the respective Hamish Common Governments in trouble (note British leaders being similar: with Thatcher- support of French nuclear testing), Reagan/Bush there was a rapport Westminster no doubt to extract a few favours between the leaders, and conse- later. Perhaps Blair is playing the quently the Governments. When long game in Anglo-American rela- Clinton took over from Bush in tions, one that the press don't nec- 1992, rumours surfaced that the Eye essarily seem to be picking up. Conservative Party had assisted The one thing that Tony Blair Republicans in the election cam- which was first made obvious in the seriously concerned at the military must be laughing about will be the paign. As well as being a bad move Suez Crisis in the 50s, the first time escalation in the Gulf - the other Tories' reaction to these events. in supporting a losing side (some- the U.S. effectively told Britain to three Permanent Members of the They are still discussing the cost of thing which -Had additionally been hand back the colony and canal. UN Security Council, France, Russia ministers' offices' refurbishment, try- clear beforehand ) political partisan- This and previous British and China, oppose military action. ing to extend the 'sleaze' image for ship in matters such these were Governments have seen the U.S. as Nearly every Gulf state opposes mil- as long as possible. If the public more than stupid. They were suici- a teacher in some senses, adopting itary action, with Israel being an wish to hear this message, they dal. John Major and Bill Clinton did and learning from measures taken obvious exception, and Kuwait probably don't want to hear it from not get on at all well, with Clinton across the pond. This may not have putting up the least resistance. the Tories. As Blair discusses the rebuffing Major within one week of been so obvious in Europe, when When one considers it in a more his- state of world politics today, Hague entering the White House. even now, the Government seems torical perspective, Britain has been discusses office furniture. Let us Clinton made little effort to hide more eager to lecture than to listen. relatively pro-Arab, the U.S. pro- hope they soon provide some cred- his admiration of Tony Blair, pulling However, Britain has not been Israel this century. Britain had ible opposition, before Labour get out all the stops when Blair visited entirely sycophantic to the States in colonised much of the Gulf, and in too big for its boots. The ramifica- Washington a year before the foreign policy. Sir Leon Brittan, a many cases relations are close (the tions for that would not make pleas- General Election. They have hold a British EU Commissioner, was the King of Jordan went to RMA ant reading. 8 COLUMNS 6 February 1998

THE IDIOT'S GUIDE TO GETTING A FIRST with COLIN DALE Part Two: Tutorials

Tutorials represent a golden opportunity for an traumatic stress disorder). anything much at all. Like that. interactive exchange of ideas between students This kind of tutor often has the ability to see To do really well in tutorials, you must mas- and those who are knowledgeable in their field. into your soul, and can tell, the moment you ter the art of floundering. Simply saying T don't (But remember you can sue them if they get too walk through the door, that you haven't read know' in response to a tough question may be interactive.). Your tutor also has a good deal of any lecture notes since the first week of term. honest, but it doesn't get you anywhere. In fact input into your reference. You'd better be nice So excuses are out. But don't worry, the situa- it is an incredibly foolish thing to do as it leaves to them, because you don't want your career to tion is not so desperate that you have to rely the door wide open to further probing of your be jeopardised by some evil, vindictive old only on hard work to get you through. With weaknesses. Saying 'umm. . . err. . .' for a few lunatic (save that privilege for your interviewer). these handy hints, it may still be possible to get minutes is a good start, but will not really buy Academic tutors at IC fall broadly into two a good reference from him without doing a sin- you that much time. You need to work a few main categories. Firstly, there are those who gle problem sheet. random phrases into your routine, such as 'inte- consider undergraduate tutoring to be an irrele- Be punctual, polite, but above all never be gral', 'four pi' or 'decaying exponential'. As you vant waste of time; then there are those who honest. It may be true that you were prevented become more proficient in these tactics, you consider undergraduate tutoring to be an irrele- from coming in last week due to a crippling will also be able to use terms which are actually vant waste of time but still think it's damn good hangover and/or court summons, but a dental relevant to what you are doing. With practice, fun to make you sweat. If your tutor is in the appointment generally creates a better impres- you will soon have the ability to carry on like this first category, you are sorted for the whole year: sion. Tutors do not generally write negative for so long that the tutor will eventually forget you have met someone who obviously feels the comments in your reference, it still pays to be what he asked you and pick on some other poor same way as you, and there will be a kind of on good behaviour - you do not want 'rarely unfortunate to relieve his boredom. Real unspoken mutual agreement never to see each attends tutorials' listed as a positive attribute. experts have been known to stave off further other again. The second type, who can usually Being asked a difficult question in a tutorial inquisition for up to twenty minutes using this be distinguished by a demonic glint in the eyes, is a bit like running out of ideas when you're try- method. are more worrying, and will be dealt with below. ing to write a column for Felix. You have to say Another aspect of tutorials is the opportuni- If it is your misfortune to have to see something, whether it actually means anything ty to ask questions which are relevant and aid Dr.B.L.Zebub in room 666 every week for the or not. So you just burble on and on incoher- your appreciation of the course. But 'Can we go rest of the year, it would be a good idea to learn ently, mindlessly spouting the most pointless home yet?' is not likely to get the best response. how to survive the ordeal. It may even be pos- drivel just to fill the awkward space. You talk I'll see you next week to discuss your lab sible to gain something from it (other than post- and talk and talk and talk, but don't actually say reports.

CATERING NOTICE tosALON IN THE WEEK COMMENCING 15a Harrington Road South Kensington London SW7 3ES (1 Minute walk from South Kensington Tube)

FEB 9TH CUT & BLOW DRY WE WILL BE ASKING ALL BY OUR TOP STYLISTS USERS OF CATERING OUTLETS £15 LADIES IF THEY ARE IC STUDENTS, £13 MEN STAFF OR "OTHER USERS". Normal Price £30

THIS IS IN ACCORDANCE WITH CUSTOMS AND EXCISE REQUIREMENTS AND WILL NOT AFFECT THE PRICES YOU PAY. Telephone 0171 823 8968 YOUR CO-OPERATION IS GREATLY APPRECIATED. ACCESS VISA MASTERCARD CASH CHEQUES ^vwrteati (§^iw/e^t^ ^omrtnM&e Pfirofnl/ff S^Wfr??^ INTERNATIONAL NIGHT '98

FOOD FAIR (6:30 - 7:30 P.M) CULTURAL SHOW (7:30 P.M ONWARDS) DISCO ('TIL LATE) 4$9 BARCLAYS

Friday 1$) February 1998 (6:30 - til late) Tickets now on sale in t\)e Union office anb in the JCR (12-2 n.m daily) Pood Pair, Cultural S^ow and Disco £12 Pood Pair anb Disco Only £7 /CU 1(1 \\ (HI I I (,I ! Mi IN The largest event on the Imperial College Calender An annual sell-out success MM

GIVE GIVE HER HIM 9M fKom u5 VALENTINES VALENTINES DAY CARDS DAY CARDS FROM ICU SHOP FROM ICU SHOP

/CU /CU - The heart of Imperial IMPERIAL COLLEGE UNION 10 JOHN H EG LEY: GOD? 6th February 1998

"My dad always told my sister not to play with her food. He said that carrots do not make very good friends..." i 1

Jonathan Trout met "Comedy's Poet Laureate" at the Bloomsbury Theatre before the final show in his highly popular national tour. He brought Will Dugdale along to take the pictures and a handful of chocolate eggs for reasons which will become obviousjj

he deserted, expectant the- ence, which is fantastic. Tatre has a strangely charged From this good position, I stupidly feel to it as I perch on the asked him how his doggie was... stage aside John Hegley. Casually HEGLEY: Well, he's all right. He's dressed in an open necked, in a plastic bag, a plastic bin liner, expensive looking shirt and cream with two others. jeans, his timid, innocent public [There is an embarrassed pause persona seemingly belied by his as I take my foot from my mouth] darting eyes and unshaven chin. I That'll teach you... [laughs] hand him a coffee, the five Gently diverting the subject (did sachets of sugar inspired partly by he notice? I don't think so...), I knowing, winky irony, partly by ask who his favourite poet is. gushing hero worship but mostly HEGLEY: There are a few good because he might have been seri- people about, but, what do you ous in naming his first book "Five mean, across the board? If I had Sugars Please". Typically, as such to choose one person's words to situations often turn out, he used take to a desert island, Elvis none. Before we started I won- Costello. dered if it would be possible to TROUT: Were you influenced at ask him to think of a poem all by Ivor Cutler [Glaswegian sur- around the theme "Felix". realist poet/singer/playwright] HEGLEY: How much? HEGLEY: Ivor Costello, Elvis TROUT: just a couple of lines. Cutler, erm, [mouthful of Creme HEGLEY: I meant how much I Egg] a little I think, yes, not being would get paid. afraid to be absurd. TROUT: I'll give you a Creme Egg Staying on the poetry theme, I for it. asked how he dared rhyme "tob- I duly hand over a Creme Egg. He something with this?" Puckrick. He was at first shocked, bogan" with "mahog'un" [see box]. seems surprised, and grateful. HEGLEY: John Peel. When we did and then genuinely moved. He laughed, then, struggling with HEGLEY: Yeah? Oh, all right. a Peel Session, '83, I remember HEGLEY: I didn't know that... his egg, ignored the question. "I'm Cheers mate. That's even before that was the turning point, really, That's fucking great... oh, that is, trying to eat this chocolate egg you've heard it! when he said he liked one of our I'm so, oh that's really fantastic... without getting my thumb on the TROUT: You get an extra one if songs on the radio. Did he really say that? Wow... bit I'm eating... [then, bizarrely] it's decent. Are your poems any I had watched his show on the [Recovering] Did he mention Nigel ...1 was in such a rush to get out good? Do you think so? previous Wednesday, in which he at all? of the house I didn't get to wipe HEGLEY: Erm... [laughs] I've got had described his life story previ- TROUT: No, he didn't mention my arse, it's true...". This was sur- to say, that was a very good ous to his brush with fame. I Nigel [Hegley's silent, miserable prisingly hysterical, the three of us opening question... I think that questioned as to whether comic sidekick and guitarist], rude spontaneously falling about. some of them are. Some of them poetry had been a conscious man... what do you think that Whether it was the delivery or just career choice: are even poems. Not many. exposure did for you career? the full horror of the statement I TROUT: Why do you think people "It wasn't really, no, it drifted, 'cos Obviously, you'd done that earlier know not. After settling down I like you so much? Why do you I started out as a singer, and then stuff with Peel, but that brought continue by asking if, as many a think can you fill a place like this? started doing some of the words you into the consciousness of a spite-filled poem might suggest, HEGLEY: Well, they are accessible, without the music, so it sort of whole new set of people. he really hates his brother-in-law and people generally do like poet- drifted towards that." HEGLEY: Yeah, it's been very HEGLEY: No, not really. But he's ry, I think there is poetry in lan- Mark Radcliffe's evening show on good, actually, in terms of open- not entirely fictional... guage; there are lots of phrases in Radio One was instrumental in ing it out, bringing in a younger TROUT: How much poetry is left language which are poetry; a lick Hegley's recent resurgence; I told audience, because I was a bit in you, do you think? of paint, legs eleven, clickety- him that in a recent interview bogged down with The Guardian; HEGLEY: Well the nice thing to click, people like it. 1 enjoyed working with The [Felix 1093] Radcliffe had pro- think is that the vessel refills; at TROUT: When did you realise that Guardian and younger people do nounced Hegley as one of his the moment I hope that there is you were destined for greatness, read that but it's not hip, not hap- three favourite guests, along with about one hour and forty minutes who was the first person to say film buff Mark Kermode and pening, is it, in that way, So it worth... "you're really good, you could do transatlantic media chick Katie really brought in a younger audi- TROUT: Were you bullied at 6th February 1998 JOHN HEGLEY: GOD?

| Ibecaus e it diminishes the rain forests"

Ithis winter

11 hope you get a splinter

[if you make a toboggan

|and it is a mahog'un I

r^iy doggie don't wear glasses" I

|my doggie don't wear glasses

|so they're lying when they say

|a dog looks like its owner

[aren't they

i i school? Nigel" I think she said... Yeah, r^vell executed poem" HEGLEY: Not really, 1 was ignored, Nigel is a nice guy, but do you which is probably worse. know what, a couple of people TROUT: How has the tour been came up to him in the bar after I going? the show and said: "Listen, my HEGLEY: Very nice, we had a real- friend and 1 were really worried jbefore the blast of the squad ly, really nice time... about you, did something happen [How many times were you told to you before the show, you [his last request at school not to use the words know, are you all right?" and they very, nice, really, and especially looked really miserable... jwas a bulletproof vest really, really nice? -Ed] Finally, I asked about his seeming ...but thank God it's over. obsession with potatoes, manifest |0r a god TROUT: Are you likely to do any in his poetry, songs, and even a more radio work in the future? ten-minute slide show of his i HEGLEY: Yes, yes 1 am, it's likely, favourite tuberous vegetables if all goes according to plan, I'll before the interval... He paused do another little series of fifteen for a full ten seconds, motionless, ^"the difference between dogs and sheds" minute pieces for radio four, before whispering with an entirely maybe a two hour special for GLR deadpan expression: "They're deep". for Easter. TROUT: Are you going to get a proper job? I not many sheds have names, HEGLEY: I don't know... I've always liked the thought of having [not many dogs have windows. the best of both worlds, and so I s an afterthought, John quite like theidea of having a AHegley turns and runs back |a shed is much more like a large proper job as well as this one. after us, telling us he'll do One piece of self indulgence; I us a quick poem off the top of his [kennel than a dog is. mentioned a thoroughly odious head: woman who had been sat beside [it is not a very good idea to give a me at the show. I would have Felix is often the name of a cat. complained at her insistent and I'm not sure I know much about jdog a coat of creosote. flesh-crawling commentary why that is. throughout the show, but not hav- But anyway, All poems © John Hegley ing paid for the tickets I thought it a bit rude. John remembered her: Let's not worry about it. 'You know I think I heard her when Nigel came on: "I Love You Yeah, John, erm, cheers... 12 MUSIC 6 February 1998

MUSIC - 12 18-ART Reviews are given a mark out of Although Foil and Delicatessen are It's Shopping and Fucking for Abi with five as follows... live, no-one seems to have record- the scary new play by Mark Ravenhill. ed any albums this week. Piles of Plus get the creative juices going for Singles, though. the new Phoenix Divine Brown

CLUBBING - 14 20 - Fl Gillian Taylforth DJ Rectangeand Coldcut 8< Hex in TlMJyHBnd Clubbed to Death are review, plus The Electric Cafe, with reviewed and fr.mkfy arcn t up to much. kick Monica Lewinsky prizes, Singles and more. Win tickets to see Hard Rain instead 22 - GAM k -k Marc Almond BOOKS - 17 We lump Overboard! and engage in k Michael Portillo Douglas Adams' and Terry Jones' lat- ionfOTaraJMHbfl^^Pto work out est collaboration Starship Titanic, what the Sidewinder FFP is. Finally we No Stars Elenor Tench plus The Underground Man. cast an eye see whats on the Horizon.

FOIL Spread It All Around

he wind howls. An engine could, or should, have been. over-rated by their label ('Foil reaf- T groans and gains power. Foil's lyrics concentrate on the firm your faith in the healing power Then a gigantic mechanical darker side of life. Hailing from of electric guitars') they were machine starts up and pelts West Lothian maybe you can't nonetheless signed on the strength straight into a non-stop race to blame them but there are a few of their demo tape and debut gig crush everything in its way. gems tucked away in here. Buried alone. Wow. Great opening track. in the middle of the album, sur- Also welcome is a minor hit High hopes all round, then, that the rounded by ferocious assaults on from a year or two ago called discovery of the year has been silly things like soup, is a very dif- Reviver Gene - you'll remember it made. That Foil are THE band of ferent song. Slow and calm and when you hear the chorus. All in all, '98. Maybe Felix will go down in reminiscent of Radiohead and if heavy metal/grungeAVest-Coast history as 'The Paper that Brought Velvet Underground, the track A punk is your thing then give Foil a Foil to the World.' Maybe. Place To Hide contains a beautiful go. Just bear in mind that they use On to track 2. Maybe not. For melody yet still retains the raw the same producer as Elastica this song, they decided to put naivety of the rest of this album. If vocals over the track giving the only more tracks were like this. In Ed voice of a more-than-a-few-years- fact, one thing you can say about past-it punker. Someone who this album is that it is diverse. It's thinks he is Scotland's answer to not all mindless pap. There's fast Kurt Cobain. And the music has pap, slow pap, probably-more-dis- changed as well. Straight punk torted-than-it-needs-to-be pap meets heavy metal. Still good but and utterly-original-and-a-breath- just totally different to what it of-fresh-air pap. Perhaps slightly

DELICATESSEN

There's No Confusing Some People No Stars

h dear - and it had such sombre and somewhat surreal a drunk Ash impersonating Suede ever increasing canyon inhabited by O potential as well. What tone, what a pity that they seem to doing a Blur - sounds appealing? 1 all those who were nothing better, with the name have turned to an Estate Agent's think not. but thought they were. Leave this Delicatessen being somewhat of a imagination to try - and ultimately There is surprisingly an upside one well alone, it'll serve better as a buzz word within the music scene fail - to achieve this. Through con- to this album - it's only thirty min- shelf insulator at the local HMV. of late, I really was expecting a bet- torted vocals, Geldof skits and utes long, and when you've Derek ter effort than this. Intriguing CD produces second rate indie rock. resigned yourself to wasting an cover design and track titles just There's No Confusing Some People hour of your life with it, this is bet- added to this expectation, increas- reaches the ludicrous Various Pets. ter than early parole. ing the height from which it If you've ever thought that There's No Confusing Some inevitably fell. Phoebe's (from Friends) Smelly People is half an hour of conflicting Let's begin with track one, Cats should make it to release, this sounds, dodgy lyrics, and repeated more of an intro than a song really one's for you. There's more talent attempts at being something that and it truly does set the scene for a in a dead mouse. Delicatessen are not. Their con- poor show. A vocalist cross Despite attempts not to be scious decision not to fall into the between Nick Cave and Lurch pigeonholed within a specific same bracket as many a rock band, Addams attempts to paint a dark, genre, Delicatessen come across as will surely see them fall into the 6 February 1998 MUSIC

SINGLES

Hurricane #1 - Only The Strongest Will or, erm, 'indie' sensations Catch. This song? pier. Imani displays excellent vocals, her ^ j Survive Alright but not memorable. The horses in ques- voice is as good as any out there, unfor- **8i A much slower and more percussive effort from tion might just be the Spice Girls. tunately she suffers from a limited range of Oxford's (second) finest, impossibly mixing ideas, and the general song pattern is very Bacharach with psychedelia. On its first listen Howlite - Halo repetitive. This girl has the potential to be as big this track falls short of their previous high stan- The ultimate in obscure cult labels, Shifty Disco as Sheryl Crow, but that requires a few better dards, saved from mediocrity only by the ever- provides just 1000 people a month with a tunes then those on this sampler. stunning voice of Alex Lowe. However, a few release from different artists on its own 'totally more plays and you're totally enveloped by the independent' label. The sheer randomness of MUKI - Shine soaring melody the music on offer is enough to grab your atten- Six minutes of purely instrumental sub-Asian tion. This track from Howlite, however, makes sounds, very mellow and relaxing, the only BeDLaM AGO GO - Season No. 5 you wish that the single was released in more though I have is that this may be useful for revi- A relaxing mixture of trip-hop and ambience. limited numbers. sion, but that's about it. Basically too long and The 'Insomnia'-style vocal delivery works well to not enough happens on it. add to the mood. THE ESSENTIAL CHOON Warm Jets - Never, Never Pearl Jam - Given To Fly The Candyskins - You Better Stop Standard post Brit pop indie release with suit- Still going after all these years, Eddie Vedder and It starts all '60s West Coast style, but soon able rock and roll melody, this will suit the indie Mr. McCready have lost absolutely nothing, explodes into a classic every bit as uplifting as boys but that's about it. except maybe the knack to write a song that is McAlmont/Butler's Yes. The Candyskins consis- even slightly memorable. Enough said. tently provide memorable 'perfect' songs and United Citizen Federation feat. Sarah this is well worth investigation. They've been on Brightman - Starship Troopers 'A' - Foghorn the brink of success for a while now, so their This tune perfectly encapsulates the essence of Pretty much an aptly titled song. If you were a time is due. the film, fun and upbeat, but ultimately pure little dinghy of a pop song you'd be wise to get crap. Sarah Brightman lends her voice to an out of the way of this battleship - a speed- electronic ABBA melody to great effect; the thrash racket of Titanic proportions. Iceberg- Glitterbox - Scared Of All The World actual lyrics though are ridiculous. This is des- horn anyone? An exciting mix of '80s rock and melancholy tined for huge chart success, even though every- psychedelia, complete with A Day In The Life one will say they hate it. The Young Offenders - That's Why We Lose style piano crash ending. Nothing ground-shak- Control ing but pleasing enough for the occasional lis- Chumbawumba - Amnesia Move over Chumbawamba! These guys are the ten. Their follow up to Tubthumping, this quite clear- new anarchists. And their raging socio-political ly doesn't live up to the up standards set with topic of concern? That Byker Grove isn't nearly Ether - Watching You EP that, but bounces along and will stick in your as good as it used to be. Maybe I'm wrong. 1 The return of the band with the most impossibly head for hours. This will be much loved by fans just find it hard to take a band seriously that's a catchy melodies and most implausibly nasal of Aqua and the Human League. Top Ten, kick in the knackers away from sounding like The vocals. Play this in the morning and it's 100% yes....number one....no. Chipmunks. guaranteed to wake you up with a smile on your face. Asian Dub Foundation - Free Satpal Ram Bennet - Horse's Mouth Ed The foundation were fairly quiet last year, but They're the young indie band that's hard to still experienced success. This single doesn't pigeon-hole, just when you think they're Suede, Imani Coppola - Legend of A Cowgirl rate up alongside any of their great stuff, but they become Lightning Seeds. Then they're Bis This is the stand out track on a five-track sam- certainly worth a listen. Milen

THA BOMB!

Check it out another week, another column. its on at 12, and one of the few chances you'll really do anything, into the 98 and their bring- Its time for your regular fix of R'n'B with a lit- get to catch some smart R'n'B videos, unless ing out Telefunkin, this is a straight party tle bit of hip hop stuffed in. First up, those you got The Box (lucky mutha). While we chat- track, with some pop thrown in to appeal to who actually read my bit will recall that last tin 'bout videos I gotta mention the new bad the masses. week's column included the Phat Selection of boy video for SJIry's The Limit this video been Into the 98 and what are the tunes like? 97, well this has caused quite a stir. Nuff peo- out for weeks, but only just saw it and its Well to tell the truth 98 has been a bit thin on ple already been up to me and complained phat...you gotta check it. If ya seen it already real tunes so far. Saying all of dat there has there was loads of tunes that I missed, well I then you know what I'm chatting about. The been a standout track, my top tune for gotta set the record straight, the phat selec- whole video is your usually Puffy and Biggie January Wishing On A Star by Jay Z and Gwen tion is a list of the top tunes, not the best messing about, doing their playa thang, but it Dickie. This is of course a remake of the old tunes, there is loads of tracks that are ain't them, its kids playing them. It might not classic, with most remakes I am normally of wicked, but that no one has heard of. So y'all sound great, but ya gotta see it. the believe that the original is far superior, should just chill...saying that I gotta to admit Girl bands....it's on. Oh yeah the British but this time the remake lives up to the orig- to missing some top tunes, but yo I honestly girls are blasting into the 98, starting of in inal. The vocals are up to it, while Jay Z does don't care! late 97 we had Truce following up their earli- it again on the rap, a must have. Tele news - Friday night, Top Of The Pops, er success wit the huge Nothin' But the Party, Snoop drops his next single Tha number one...its Usher. The boy came over this infectious party track blew up large. Next Doggfather from the LP of the same name, and sang his bangin number one track live on up we got the All Saints.... I can hear you say- this is a real let down much the like the LP. stage for TOTP, the only problem was the kids ing what the fuck is this guy talkin about, but Snoop really needs to hook up with Dre and in the crowd, they didn't seem to wanna get I kinda like them. Never Ever is a good little bring out those old style g-funk killers.... I'm with it. Usher should've released and just let ballad, they sing it pretty well, not well waiting. At long last the Marsha track Is it enough though. I'm not going to get into the it be, but he tried to work the crowd and for Real gets a UK release, this did some damage mine ended up looking like a cock. For those whole can they sing, can't they sing thing, just on the underground and deserves its British who don't know Friday nights also has FLAVA, say that I will reserve my decision till I've release. Dope bassline, check that shit out. the best music program on the box. Flava is heard a bit more from them. Next up is N- Shout out to the Chem Eng boyz! See ya. tha Bomb, 30 minutes of the dopest videos, Tyce, they first turned up last year, but didn't Milen MUSIC 6 February 1998

CLUBSCENE - THE UNDERGROUND MUSIC GUIDE

DJ RECTANGLE

THE TABLES HAVE TURNED. the American DMC Dj champi- scratching the record that's tracks are used in the environ- onship in '93. playing with out it skipping a ment they were made to be DJ Rectangle has also made beat, avoiding any talking over played in. numerous appearances on too talking, but still rolling long This is a must for all bad many radio shows world wide mixes together. Rinsing phat boys &. girls out there, anyone to mention, including Sony's beats on-top of phat beats who appreciates mixing, Hip- world-wide service and BBC and did I mention the scratch- Hop, Rap and anyone wanting Radio One. He is probable best ing that's just to rough? to hear how a DJ should be known as the DJ for Warren G, He also manages to cover work it. A true performance. and for a recent UK visit as the all areas 'n' styles of Rap / Hip- Look out (in Clubscene 8. ) Rectangle is from Los DJ for the Alkoholics at the Hop. A few of the top class Club Listings) for when &. where D Angles and is little- Subterrania club. line up of tracks used are: you can catch the man live 'n' known over here I Now for his latest mix tape. Busta Rhymes-Dangerous,Sean direct, as a European tour kicks should imagine, as I only heard He is described as a Battle DJ- "Puffy" Combes-Big Old Butt, off in the next few weeks and of the man a few weeks back a producer performer and Sugar Tree-While U Bullshit, look out for full interview in the myself. And I'm glad I did. this is the perfect description. 1 Puff Daddy-Senon'fa, Rakim-/f's coming weeks. What is surprising is that he was looking forward to hearing Ben Along Time, Mac 10-Only I haven't seen these tapes has the most amazing CV, and this as it's been a while since In California, The Luniz- in the shops, but you can order is about to take the UK by I've heard a proper hip-hop Freestyle and Ice Cube-Creed. tapes &. CDs direct from Sound storm. style scratch mix, and I wasn't The track listing on this mix Chamber Recordings on 0171 Some of the highlights in his disappointed. tape would make for a most 823 4973, as well as a host career are winning Box National The total control this man impressive compilation on it's over other top notch hip-hop D] search '94, world Finalist in has over a set of decks is truly own but when combined with tapes and CDs. ET1CI DMC D) Championship '93, mind blowing, he does things the masterful mixing, cutting Jo Public winning West Coast DMC DJ that you simply shouldn't be 'n' scratching of the Rectangle, Championship '93, and winning able to do. For example, your taken to another level. The

CLUBSCENE - SINGLES

DRUM 'N' BASS HOUSE 'N' GARAGE

Seba. Connected. Prezioso. Raise The Power Sneaker Pimps. Spin Spin Sugar. SkyUI>- The ? EP. (LookingGood Rec.) 9th Feb. (Truelove) 9th Feb. Remixes (Clean Up.) 2nd Feb. (Eye Q) 16th Feb. If, it's on LookingGood Rec. You 4 mixes to choose from, all hard. After it's phenomenal club success, A-side, is slow down beat number, know your in for a musical treat, Original mix start off with just a it's back with even more re-work- haunting strings, slow drum pat- and this latest offering is no disap- banging b-line (a great way to start) ings, and sounding as fresh as the tern, sad even depressing lyrics. A pointment. Connected is a deep hard 'n' fast beats, great acid beep day it was made. A classic set of dark trippy track, that breaks jazz roller, even beautiful, the way &. bleeps. I could not decide which re-workings, using the Sneaker down to reversed lyrics and eerie your carried away on the strong mix I liked best out of these, as Pimps lyrics to full effect, these live bass taking you even deeper atmospherics, rolling bass-line &. they are all so good. Knuckle remixes just work so well. Sure to in. tight percussion. Anyone how Headz mix has definite old skool get any crowd away from the bar B-side, is less depressing, still thinks D&J5 isn't real music just feel to it, another banging 12" from and on the floor. deep 'n' dreamy, beautiful female samples strung together, should the Truelove stable. vocalist is used again, this one check this, a master piece of beat Ten Years of the Roxy more minimal, no drums at all, technology. Keeping LG one step Solar Stone. The Impressions EP V/A (Kubin) simply clever use of electric guitar, ahead of the rest. (Hooj) 9th Feb. Dutch ep to celebrate ten years of piano &. strings. You get three mixes of Day By Day, the famous Roxy club in DJ Ron. Quintessence. original is a trancy builder, that Amsterdam. Three great tracks Courtney Pine. (Some' ting Rec.) Out Now. drops into a deep pleasant break- here, but I head straight for Trying Times Remixes This a triple vinyl pack for only down. 2nd is a more housey num- Laidback Luke's Sub-Conscious (Talkin' Loud) Out Now. £10, a true bargain. Six tracks in ber, bouncy b-line, driven beats, every time. This is infectious, uplift- You get three mixes of Trying all, featuring DJ Ron's Space jazz, deep 'n' dreamy. 3rd mix is a more ing, extremely funky and oh soooo Times to choose from &. one remix and DJ Krust full length rinse out chilled version, stronger atmos- groovy: all at once! of Sense song by Raw Deal. mix of it. pherics &. softer beats, one for Two mixes by Headstrong, one 21st Century, un-surprisingly starts Sunday afternoon. Solyent Green vocal, one dub. This down beat, off with 21st century fox title Solyent Green Z (Playhouse) jazz fusion works quite well. Attic music, with sounds so bad that I Dick Dastardly & Peter Perfect. Playhouse is one of a small number Blues mix is more beaty, same can not understand what pos- Rydim's At Ya EP. (Confetti Rec.) of labels that is making house min- strong emotions and feeling. sessed Ron to do it, but he more 9th Feb. imal and, dare I say intelligent. A eclectic assortment of beats than make up for it with the rest of Starts out with a looped, stretched Three unnamed tracks create a that's great to just chill to. the track, were thankfully it doesn't & warped female vocal, beats sound that is fiendish and daring. feature again. Zulu March uses quickly build up over this, with jig- Not quite Basic Channel, not quite Look out for an exclusive inter- awesome chopped up beats and gerly keyboard stabs working in Robert Hood. Sharp, precisely view with Courtney Pine next deep b-lines, a nice dark stepper. and out with a array of bleep 'n' placed bursts of sound make for a week With Raid a menacing dark roller, beats. Groaning bass-line soon tense, stretched ambience. to mention a few of the tracks. comes into play, with the clever Playhouse has had the guts to arrangements and an up-beat feel carve its own niche and that sure to go down well in the clubs. deserves my respect. 6 February 1998 MUSIC 15

CLUBSCENE

* ine electric c

Reactivate soared in popularity. Each Reactivate release gave the label more converts to the church of techno and a bigger influence in the underground dance scene. This week sees the release of Reactivate Classics, the compilation of all the previous compila- tions, and an excellent opportunity to either re-live or discover some pivotal moments of history in electronic music. What's more, the CD has been mixed by Daz Saund and Trevor Rockliffc, two pioneering D]s during the days of the rave who have continued to exert a strong presence in the techno scene to this day. But React isn't just about Reactivate, as I discovered from James himself...

If you read this column every week then you view that business risks can work if you really no sound. "I thought they deserved the props!" might have picked up a recurring theme that I love what you are doing. It is much easier to said James. cover. That's right, I'm harping on about open- persuade other people to believe in what you Despite the fact that many people associate mindedness in music; whatever style you are doing if you believe in it yourself. React purely with the Reactivate series, James is choose put in your stereo. I want to promote Having established the basic philosophies keen to explain that the label's taste are far the fact that as long as you believe in what you behind React, we talked about the Reactivate more eclectic than that. "It (Reactivate) is just listen to, it shouldn't matter whether the media series. In James' own words "When it started one thing that we do." And that is absolutely or anybody says it's cool or not. Well, after dance music had become very disco and true. Look out for an Axis compilation release interviewing James Horrocks I realised that I homogenised and clean and mainstream. and the legendary Live From the Liquid Rooms have been breaking that rule myself. Certain clubs were playing harder, more minimal mix from Jeff Mills. The rest of Detroit is repre- To be quite honest with you, I always had music which was frowned upon by the record sented by True People, The Detroit Techno the idea that the Reactivate series was cheesy industry and ignored as headbanging techno Album. The Artcore albums have followed the and too commercial. I had preferred rising prominence of drum'n'bass, to buy other React releases. That all whilst eclectic music is served up by probably sound OK, unless I were to Ibiza's Jose Padilla on the Cafe Del tell you that before Classics, I had Maar series. Dope on Wax is a col- never actually listened to a Reactivate lection of blunted hip-hop and funk, album! and let's not forget the MixUp series, that so far focussed on a wave of So how did I come to such a con- young Japanese electronic DJs. clusion about something I had never There's plenty more, but you'll have heard? Maybe from the so-called to check that out for yourselves. "techno-elite" or the music media. Whatever the reason, meeting with Finally, we talked about React's and talking to James Horrocks taught future objectives. James sees global me something about why people like cooperation as the future. "We don't him have the guts to take such risks only want to sell our music overseas and release music that, on paper like other labels do. We're looking for doesn't have a chance to compete an exchange with other countries. We with the mass-marketed majors. want to buy what they're doing. Then The first thing James talked about, they release what we do, we release was his very own baby, the React what they do." He cites new artists label. He describes it as a "European from Asia, Russia and China. label" which releases "an interesting James' parting shot is against the array of styles". James runs React sometimes inward and insulated UK together with his business partner scene. "There's a certain snobbery in Thomas Foley. Between them, they this country that if it comes from enjoy a broad range of music. This abroad then it can't be as good as explains how consecutive releases anything from this country because can consist of deep Detroit techno we are setting the scene. Which is and drum'n'bass or handbag house actually not the case because as you and blunted hip-hop breaks. This also travel around the world you realise explains why React has a following that what we're making is not impor- amongst so many different types of listeners of tant in global terms at all. Abroad, it's all treated electronic music, and has become so success- music. In order for people to hear this, we put equally!" ful. all the best, most popular tracks on an album so Many thanks to James Horrocks, React With this open-mindedness there are rules people could buy it." Records and Phuture Trax. to abide by. "We only do something if we think The series became" more and more popular we can do it well. If we think we can do it jus- with each release and the decision was taken to If you would like to win a copy of the tice and we can present something that people make Reactivate Classics. Techno music that Reactivate Classics mixed CD, then answer this will actually enjoy listening to. Otherwise we just had stood the test of time was chosen to fill the question: don't bother." explains James. This means no album. According to James, the criteria were "Is quick cash-ins on a style of music that is in fash- that track still a classic? Can that track still be Which famous UK DJ released his own pro- ion such as the current sound of speed garage. played? Was that a defining moment of the ject, the F.A.C.T. series on React Records? Even if certain releases haven't aged well, genre?" Once the tracks had been chosen, they React has been on the cutting edge in a number had to be put together. Daz Saund and Trevor Answers to Felix office or by email to of different musical styles throughout its life."If Rockliffe (both respected and experienced Djs [email protected] you believe in something, you'll work twice as today) were chosen for this job, because back in @l;ck hard for it to work." James subscribes to the 1990 they had been pioneers of the pure tech- MUSIC 6 February 1998

CLUBSCENE - THE UNDERGROUND MUSIC GUIDE Aston Plays Freestyle Miami, Italy &. Munich as well as The freestylers have been mak- melodies should all be worked out regular UK dates. Some of the ing a name for themselves on the beforehand. If possible take some- forthcoming dates are: Saturday 7 fast emerging Big-Beat scene one who knows how to use a stu- Feb. Project B, Milton Keynes, (break beat with big bass-lines), dio with you to show you how to Friday 13 Feb. Middlesborough which London once again seems to work the equipment yourself. Arena, and finally making a London be leading the way in. I have been Around '91 Aston formed part appearance at The Clinic, on listening to their previous works of The Blapps Posse, making simi- Saturday 28 Feb. Before they shoot he freestylers are a over the last few weeks and believe lar music as Shut 'n' Dance but they off to Miami. name that my not be me these are no one-hit wonders didn't get hyped as much. Later on, Then back to London for 13 T and look likely to blow up in '98. in a solo project he created one of familiar at the moment, March at Club Innocence, London but all that is about to change Aston kindly took time out from the biggest tunes, a true classic of Bridge and Fri 20 March at Hanover with their new single B-Boy recording their follow up single to those large scale rave days of 91- Grand. Finally returning to London Stance storming into the have a chat with me about past, 93, Don't Hold Back. That could be to rip up the Jazz Cafe, London on national charts last week at present &. the future of himself and heading for a re-release and I'm 26 April. Check club listings for info number 23. A killer track that the freestylers. He describes their sure it'll be a big hit again. He has nearer the dates. Also mixing the has been caned in the right music as an amalgamation of Hip- also worked with the first lady of Essential Mix on Radio One, clubs for a while now, and Hop, Electro &. the whole Break- jungle, DJ Rap, before meeting up Sunday 8 Feb. One not to be played extensively on Radio Beat culture. Old Skool flavour with with Matt to form The Freestylers. missed. and Kiss FM. a new identity via a use of different So they have plenty of experience There are plans for a European The freestylers are a full on production techniques. to call on. tour over the summer to coincide group; eight people combine to He started out DJing at the age When asked why they seem to with the album release, which create their fresh sound, not to of 16, and around this time was be have such wide spread success should be around 8 May. And plen- mention their break-dancers (yes friends with rappers Brotherhood. with the Freestylers, he said that ty of festival appearances lined up people still break dance and few They had wanted to make a track there is a concept behind the including Phoenix, Glastonbury and better than the thirty strong Freska together for a while, so they got group, a direction and identity to Tribal Gathering. JT\c\ Break-dance crew). there ideas together and headed to the music. Well there's definitely Jo Public Now back to the group. Aston the studio to put their ideas down. something. Harvey (ex-Blapps Posse) and Matt He admits that his early Matt and Aston, also play-out, Cantor (major London break DJ) attempts were nothing special but DJing regularly in such places as oversee things with their knowl- says that, with time, as he learned edge and production skills. The how to use the equipment and the other members of the group are j- ideas came in thick and fast, the Rock (Scratch Dj champion) cutting quality of the music he made l things up, Jo on bass guitar, Chris improved. He said that he still TW ¥1H£ on lead guitar and the hard beats of learns new tricks and ways of doing drummer Clive. With vocals by the things all the time so it's a continu- one 'n' only Tenor Fly (Major UK ous process. reggae artist) and MC Navigator (a Aston's tip for wana-be produc- top drum bass MC, Radio 1, one ers is to get all your ideas together in the jungle MC) this is quite an well before you get anywhere near impressive line up. the studio. For example, drum rolls, break-downs, bass-lines,

CLUBSCENE - ALBUM COLDCUT & HEX

TIMBER. ,/2

his latest release from This also music with a serious Track 2 has a strong electro shows the ability of these two pro- T Coldcut and Hex is out on message, as you may be able to beat thing going on that works par- ducers to make the most amazing the 9th Feb and has arisen guess from the title, that message ticular well. Track 3 picks up the assortment of beats 'n' breaks fit from their interest in live to "highlight the abuse pace, a full on break beat number together perfectly. They have cut audio-visual mixing, where all of the worlds bios- that is almost D&J5, again carry- 'n' spliced together beat upon beat. the images are directly linked phere and indige ing the same The way the remixes change pace to every single beat which nous tribes" tribal vocal as and style, but seem to keep the makes for a most impressive Timber is ai. the first track. same direction, is impressive. live show. attempt by Coldcut h.jJ'A i Excellent Almost every track has it's own This comes as a CD-Rom (char- Hex to do something Jj mish-mash of individual style, but at the same acters shown feature in the visual about it. beats. Various time is part of the whole. experience) with visuals that are Track 1 starts out i remixes feature So all in all a most impressive -one with the music and clearly dis- with a wicked mix of || I hear but they collection of sounds that works play the message that is being put samples and beats that f are used in a very well on it's own, and I can't across if you've got a computer builds up nicely with a tribal chant more chilled envi- wait to see the live show, which is that can run it. If not, the music type vocal over samples of what ronment and works sure to blow you away. Just as well. The pace is raised itself can stand alone. This is not a sounds like engines or machinery One day all music will be pro- again with a crazy fast tempo break mere backing track to the visual breaking it up. I think this could be duced this way. One Step Ahead. display but cutting edge beats, part of the message, which is clear beat track with a sax thrown in for EDS Jo Public breaks & samples. when seen with the CD-ROM. good measure. Track 7 once again 6 February 1998 BOOKS 17

DOUGLAS ADAMS' STARSHIP TITANIC

Terry Jones

temming from a digression in equals Adams' quirkiness and if frequently loses count, the peace- S The Hitch-Hiker's Guide, not, he enhances it with the naugh- ful Yassacans with their Simulated Starship Titanic is a novel by tiness that only a naked man could Destruction weapons and shoot- Terry Jones. Douglas Adams was conjure. Shoddy workmanship by to-miss policy, galactic bureaucra- unable to write the book himself as the Amalgamated Unmarried cy and, last but not least, a parrot! he was working on a CD-ROM ver- Teenage Mother's Construction Devilishly immature, Starship sion of it; his publishers insisted Unit leads to what appears to be Titanic is going to be a love-it-or- that the novel would have to come Spontaneous Massive Existence hate-it book. One side will put for- out at the same time as the game Failure on the dawn of the Titanic's ward the fact that it is just stupid to enable them to sell it. This struck unveiling to the universe. This is while the other will say... Well, Adams as odd since they had where the real story begins. they'll say that it's stupid too! If managed previously to sell books The Titanic lands on Earth and you're looking for some satire, go of mine without any attendant CD- takes aboard Dan, Lucy and Nettie. read a Ben Elton novel. However, if ROM game." Whatevet, it came to They link up with The Journalist you want a short read that is essen- pass that Adams asked his old from the planet Blerontin who was tially just stupid fun, Starship friend, Terry Jones, to write it for hidden aboard the ship with the Titanic has got its tadger out and is him. The ex-Python agreed with intention of gaining information for wriggling past the rest of the pack only one proviso; he could write it a scoop about the Titanic's many to take the chequered flag of naked. flaws. Our characters' objective is bonkers comedy. Surreal situations, silly names, to regain control of the ship. Along Remind you of the naked screwball antics and screwing as the way they have to contend with Dennis organist? well, all fuse together in the literary insolent Doorbots, pretentious Publisher: Pan Books. pot to produce a deliciously enjoy- Deskbots, operatic Gondolabots Price: £5:99 able read. Written in the style of that sing when they don't have any Available: Now. The Hitch-Hiker's Guide, Jones passengers, a talking bomb that

THE UNDERGROUND MAN Mick Jackson

he Underground Man is the understand and can only slowly T first novel from Mick Jackson understand. and was shortlisted for the This is a superb book which I Booker Prize last year. As you would recommend to anyone. The would then expect, it is an Duke is a sympathetic 'hero', and extremely well written book. his story is a fascinating one. As we Surprisingly, perhaps, it is also very see the story almost entirely readable with a strong central char- through his journal we get a per- acter and a coherent and quickly sonal view and can relate to the moving plot. The story is set in the Duke a great deal. The story is Victorian era and is about the fifth loosely based on the actual Duke Duke of Portland ('the (William John Cavendish-Bentinck- Underground Man') one of the Scott) who did build such a net- wealthiest landowners in the coun- work of tunnels, but the book is try. Through his journal, interleaved definitely fictitious. The secondary with short reports from local resi- characters, mainly the locals and dents, the story of a shy, eccentric the Duke's staff are all well devel- old man develops. The title refers oped and entertaining. The short to the Duke's creation of a system reports between chapters from of tunnels underneath his estates such people give a more rounded with great expense, where he story, but, because of their preju- spends more and more time. dices these make us identify with Because of this and his social diffi- the Duke even more. culties and idiosyncrasies the local The story is above all a power- community believe him to be ful, yet witty, story which grabs the deformed or insane in some way. reader almost immediately. The "His left eye was a good two inches ending is an appropriate, but higher than the right one and he shocking conclusion. dribble from the corner of his mouth the whole time," was what Publisher: Picador the locals believed the Duke (who was completely normal) looked Price: £6.99 like. The Duke, meanwhile, suffers from an absence that he does not 18 ARTS 6 February 1998

THEATRE

SHOPPING AND FLICKING Mark Ravenhill

he scene: a room filled with had pointed to a nearby couple and and Lulu's home with each engaged mission to what he believes to be T people newly in from the told Mark that he owned them, but in a telephone conversation, which, necessary for the enactment of his cold, adjusting their dress, that they were trash and he didn't it soon becomes apparent, is phone vision, than for the act itself. 1 find chattering, turning to neighbours, all want them, even hated them , and sex; they are making a last ditch the mind-games and manipulation nicely relaxed, until - BANG! We he'd offered them to Mark for £20. attempt to raise the £3000 which surrounding it, and the fact that are hit by a thunderbolt of sound, a They'd "done a deal," and Mark had they by now owe to Brian. During Robbie is in fact giving Gary precise- disjointed, harsh-voiced rant taken Robbie and Lulu home to be the course of this, other telephones ly what he has asked for, far more against life in general, ripping his "slaves." This is where the "shop- ring, so that both Lulu and Robbie horrifying. This scene, with its stark through the now total blackness ping" of the title comes in, and the are holding two simultaneous con- writing and powerful acting, is to over a thudding beat. Winded so to idea recurs throughout the play in versations, juggling subject matter me the most effective of the play. speak by the onslaught, we turn to various forms, adding a really surre- and even voices. It is very difficult to come to any the stage, unusually sparsely fur- al (and not a little confusing,) ele- Throughout the play, Gary has definite conclusion as to what Mark nished, and dominated by a large ment to the entire thing. been mentioning a wealthy man Ravenhill is trying to achieve with screen to the rear, on which lighted As the play progresses, with who is "out there" and who will take this play. At this point in time I lettering forms the title of the play. scene changes indicated very effec- him back to his luxurious home for would say that it is an exploration of We see a scene in the home of our tively by the lighted lettering good. He goes into greater and ideas on dependence, both on main characters. These three are behind. Up to this point, the acting greater detail, until he is describing other human beings and on money, occupied in picking at the had been a little slow and stilted, a vision of being a possession, con- and the ways in which the depen- microwave meals which appear and I've had the distinct feeling that trolled completely, and he begins to dence on one another of the mem- throughout the play, but which the cast are having difficulty in filling see Mark as the one who will bers of a group affects all their lives. Mark refuses to touch so that his the enormous, bare stage, but the become his master. Gary then The whole thing is certainly companions attempt to feed him performances are beginning to encounters Robbie and lulu for the extremely thought provoking, and from their own plates, thus creating strengthen, along with the cohesion first time, and they agree to "help" succeeded in captivating me from an odd parent-child tableau. of the group. The first act ends on him, by recreating his vision. They beginning to end. The plot of this play is far too a note of suspense, but that's as manipulate his words so that his Abi. involved and bewildering to attempt much as I can give away vision becomes exactly the "trans- to even summarise here, and any- The salvo of rapid-fire sound action" of Mark's story, and is Shopping and Fucking directed by way that would somehow defeat which hurls us headlong into the played out in gruesome and menac- Max Stafford-Clark. the object of my trying to persuade second act is no less of a jolt than ing detail. This is where the "fuck- Playing at the Queen's Theatre, you to see it, (which, incidentally, that at the beginning - absolutely no ing" part comes in; this is the one Shaftesbury Avenue, until 14 March. you definitely should.) At Lulu's danger of sleeping through the first thing on which the shock value of Prices: Mon-Thurs and matinees, and Robbie's request, Mark relates five minutes. As the second act the play is said to depend, but to £6 - £19.50. Fri, Sat £6 - £21.50- the apparently beloved tale of his begins we are launched into the me it is shocking more for its appar- standby for cones £10 on day of first meeting with them. A stranger extraordinary scene of Robbie's ent coldness, and for Gary's sub- performance.

Imperial Arts

PHOENIX NEEDS YOU.

IMPERIAL COLLEGE'S ANNUAL ARTS MAGAZINE IS NOW ACCEPTING SUBMISSIONS FOR ITS 1997/8 EDITION:-

WE WANT YOUR SHORT STORIES, YOUR POETRY, YOUR ARTWORK, YOUR PHOTOGRAPHY, YOUR EXPERIENCES.

EVERYONE IN IMPERIAL HAS SOMETHING WORTH SAYING.

NOW IS THE TIME TO SAY IT.

EVERYONE HAS SOMETHING WORTH READING.

PHOENIX IS THE PLACE TO READ IT.

[email protected] NUDISM

...is a subject you can cover IF you enter the

I.C. OPEN MIKE COMEDY NIGHT

to be held in mid-march as part of Rag Week: 'the second coming'. So if you think you're funny, sarcastic, morbid or just plain silly why not expose yourself... ? All you have to do to volunteer yourself/your friends is mail us at: [email protected]

Interested but sh*t scared? Don't worry, it's totally non committal - we just want to know who might be willing to have a

go...

I.C.RAG: MASS DEBATE '98 : THE SECOND COMING 20 FILM 6 February 1998

Reviewed at the THE EDGE London Film Festival CLUBBED TO DEATH

Starring: Anthony Hopkins, Alec Baldwin, Elle MacPherson Starring: Roschdy Zem, Beatrice Dalle, Elodie Bouchez Director: Lee Tamahori Director:YoIande Zauberman

may not be having an affair with his is a French arty film, translation from French, is that the wealthy man's wife. There is a T which mostly meets your there are points in the film when clear tension between the two expectations. Clubbed to the conversations make no sense men, and this comes to a peak Death is a love story set in the whatsoever. This, of course, may when events conspire to place slightly unusual surroundings of a be part of the French mystical them miles from civilization, relying nightclub, where a girl accidentally atmosphere. on one another to stay alive. meets a bloke and becomes his One of the better aspects of The plot may sound as corny as girlfriend. In addition to the the film was the soundtrack. A the usual Hollywood thriller but this standard romantic script are the thumping selection of tunes, film manages to retain suspense modern elements. The leading including Chemical Brothers and t's a hard life being a billionaire. throughout. This is partly due to male is forced into bashing his own Massive Attack, help to give the I You are never sure if your the qualities of Hopkin, whose brother in an illegal fight, gives up film a unique atmosphere. Even supermodel wife is only with character strives to help Baldwin at crack and dumps his current Eric Clapton shows his musical you for your money, or if supposed every turn despite suspecting that girlfriend. The club that the film talents in one of the most friends socialise with you purely the younger man wants to kill him centres around is a converted evocative scenes in the film. If you because they want something. This and obtain his inheritance through church at the end of bus line and do see this at the cinema thena is Anthony Hopkins' situation in his wife. It is a treat to see this dis- this combines with a barren, good quality sound system is a The Edge, a superior outdoor tinguished actor pitting his wits broken landscape to create a must. adventure film in the mould of against the dangers of the great sombre and distracted For me it turned out to be a Deadly Pursuits and The River Wild. outdoors, which include a atmosphere. dreary non-eventful incomprehen- Hopkins once again plays a particularly ferocious man-hunting Unfortunately I found that I sible waste of film. It may be worth reserved aging Englishman, albeit bear. really didn't care what happened to watching only when it comes on with a stunning wife in the form of If you have already seen that the characters. I couldn't Channel Four or BBC2 late at night. Elle MacPherson. The two take a film then you could do far worse empathise with them even though If you do, look out for that classic holiday in the beautiful remote than try The Edge. It doesn't take they are supposedly part of a pulling technique, wearing a Alaskan wilderness. Accompanying itself too seriously and, best of all, similar youth culture to mine. A creaking leather jacket and flip- them is a group of photographers there is not a sinking boat in sight. distraction, possibly due to the flops. O LFB including Alec Baldwin, who may or Chris

FILM BOOKS FILM COMPETITION... FILM COMPETITION. FILM COMPETITION. THE SIXTH VIRGIN Hard Rain if*II |UI I ||r%ET Win tickets for courtesy of

' '. ODEON KENSINGTON boast a comprehensive covt of every film you would care to think of, the Virgin Guide goes for The next big film to open in Britain is Hard Rain, an a selection of the most noteworthy action thriller starring Morgan Freeman, Christian films of all time. This inevitably Slater and Randy Quaid. results in some surprising omis- The action is set in Huntingburg, a small town sions, including Back to the Future which is evacuated when torrential rain brings rising II, almost every Carry On film and flood water. The local sheriff, Randy Quaid, and the every Police Academy. town's residents and are all too familiar with the loot- ing and petty thefts that take place in an abandoned town. However, even they would not suspect the size of the planned heist of an armoured security van con- taining 3 million dollars. The driver of the van is Christian Slater and he manages to escape from the budding thieves who are Last week's Titanic competition was the most led by Morgan Freeman. The film then follows popular one yet. Those with a good memory will Freeman's frantic pursuit of Slater in a fast-moving remember that we wanted to know which other James style that doesn't give you time to dwell on Cameron film was set as sea. The answer we were implausibilities. looking for was The Abyss, although as one person tent As usual the Odeon Kensington has donated the correctly pointed out he also directed Piranha II: The sas prizes for our competition. There are five pairs of Spawning which took place in the Carribean. So tickets to see the film and these can be won by mailing congratulations to Frederic Maquet who wins a prize the answer to the following to [email protected] for being such a film buff. The other winners were: Which controversial film about slavery released Sompong Putivisuti Capucine Watine this month also stars Morgan Freeman? Sham Alidina Wipawee Usaha

Zhris 6 February 1998 RANDOM 2i r GET YOURSELF A PROPER JOB...

ICU Students' Handbook 1998-99 JOBS AVAIL A B L E Advertising Manager Features Editor To market advertising space in the ICU To write entertaining, quality features of Handbook to potential customers relevance to future students. To organise and administer the bookings To encourage other ICU students to To attend and work with the Handbook contribute to the handbook committee To attend and work with the Handbook To ensure all artwork is received and is committee ready for publication To ensure that all the features are completed and ready to publish before the deadline

Annlicatior

'osirions TO run unri or tne taster icu cm? I Showing this wejjr Jjl

Alien Jlr Jjeb 8.30pm he Last S JII Im^show £2. Imperial membership of £1 , IQpIpe stated. ICU Cii|j| isn ^HH E&OE: ROJK : GAMES 6 February 1998

REVIEWS ON THE HORIZON

several different endings to Colony the screen, while the odd asteroid Saturn 2 rumours continue to Wars, several different ways of flies by - space is not a black void grow - now codenmaed 'Katana', ending the tyranny of the Czar and in this game. There are several dif- it is likely that the superconsole his Imperialist Navy. Each ending ferent types of craft with different from Sega will use NEC's PowerVR depends on the outcome of each abilities and weaponry, disabling a graphics chipset and the 128-bit of your missions, fail all your mis- craft with an EMP weapon will Hitachi SH-4 processor. sions and the League is doomed, make it a sitting duck and easier to In a promising twist, Katana may but in each case the story will shoot down while anti-shield support the Direct3D API for easy always have a beginning and an weapons can wear down your ene- co-development with PC games. end. mies' defenses faster than your After a couple of missions the normal lasers. Future Publishing's Edge Magazine game cuts away to the all-too- However the lasting appeal of has won the INDIN 'Best familiar computer generated Colony Wars is limited,- as it is pos- Magazine' award, again confirming movie, which has the feel of sible to reach one ending within a its status as the top interactive COLONY WARS Babylon 5 and Star Wars (James single sitting, while repeated play- entertainment magazine around. Earl Jones does his usual evangelis- ing is only required to discover the All this without a cover-mounted Pysgnosis tic bellowing for the narration in different endings to the saga. This CD too... each cut-scene). is a well polished game with all the 'Fight for a cause, fight for what you The gameplay is exhilarating, trimmings, animated sequences Resident Evil 2 (PlayStation) has believe in but don't forget the con- those of you who have played X- narrated by Darth Vader himself, been realeased in Japan, to excel- sequences of war', this would sum wing or Tie Fighter will enjoy the analogue joypad compatibility and lent reviews. The sequal Konami's up the feeling of Colony Wars and dog-fights and will be relieved that excellent head-to-head dog fights. suprise hit 'survival horror' game the atmosphere it creates. You are there aren't 101 different controls Another game to get your arthritic should be in the UK within a cou- a pilot on the side of the League of to fly your fighter craft. Colony fingers on. ple of months. I for one can't wait. Free Worlds waging a guerrilla war Wars has moved away from those Magpie against the Imperialist Navy. At usual games set in space where the Format: Playstation &. PC your disposal are various different black background colour usually Check out the website at: types of fighter craft for a multitude dominates. Here huge frigates and http://www.colonywars.com of different missions. There are other space war horses often fill

pirate ship, complete with cannons more. and sails, and must attempt to tra- The whole game has a wonder- verse the sixteen levels of choppy fully engaging atmosphere, from seas. the animation of the boats and sea Each level is enormous, and can creatures to the jaunty nautical easily take half an hour to com- theme tune that you'll be humming plete. The basic idea is to collect all for days afterwards. Gran Turisimo (PlayStation) is yet of the parts of the map of level, The game is eventually let another racing game and should found in green floating bottles. down by its lack of variety in level be around soon. Rave reviews Along the way are treasure chests design, and the difficulty in defeat- abound, and the game received an and weapons to be gained. Some ing some of the end-of-level unprecedented 10 out of 10 from of the additional weapons are dis- bosses. A battle mode is included, Edge magazine - only the second OVERBOARD! tinctly un-piratey, especially the which allows up to five captains to game ever! flamethrower and ground-to-air compete, but this requires a very

Psygnosis v2 missiles. large TV (or keen eyesight) as each Yoshi's Story (N64) is the slightly Standing in the budding pirates' ship is very small. disappointing follow-up to Yoshi's Avast there me harties! Shiver me way are rival ships, sea monsters, Overboard! is certainly a wel- Island on the SNES. Despite not timbers, keel haul the mainsail! gun emplacement, flame-throwing come addition to any puzzle-loving living up to its promise, it will ; Erm... no, I've run out of Pirate say- towers and even massive spinning gamer's collection, but those undoubtedly be snapped up by ings. Anyway, I haven't gone mad - sawblades (somewhat reminiscent requiring more a more cerebral software-hungry N64 owners upon I've been playing Overboard, a of Mario or Sonic). However, the challenge should give it a wide its UK release. highly enjoyable and silly adventure player rarely feels totally lost or berth (groan). into the realm of arcade piracy. hard done by, and the game cer- Mark The player controls a dinky little tainly kept me coming back for Format: Playstation &. PC

PERIFER... PHIRIFE... FERIPHA... OH, FORGET IT

What is it? the feeling of the wheel fighting you on corners. This is the feel- Its the Microsoft SideWinder ing that MS want to bring to Force Feedback Pro. home PC owners. What does it do? Is it any good? It's a PC joystick that has more Well, games need to be written buttons than any sane person to support it, but it could bring Bomberman Fight! should cheer would require. a whole new dimension to up beleagured Saturn owners. The What's so special about it? games. classic mulitplayer game returns in This little beaty comes with its What's the catch? an appropriately 3D form, appar- own processor and motors to The cost, - around £ 1 30, which ently without spoiling its unique provide 'force feedback'. If is excessive even for a PC joy- gameplay. you've ever played Sega Rally in stick. Of course, you could the arcade, you will be used to always trade in your Saturn... Fri 6th

Plus cocktail bar. 9-2. Free b4 9 Sat 7th

England v France aVinci's. Bar from noon Sun 8th Standing Room Only ARSEIM AL V CHELSEA Tues lOth BAR TRIVIA

Win £50 cash or crate of lager Da Vinci's 8pm

Weds 11th

Two rooms of midweek mania. 9 -1. Free b4 11 Thurs 12th cocumu incur Da Vinci's 5-11 CAPITAL 6 February 1998

Bust-a-Gut Comedy Club Alan Sillitoe (author of the Parachute Club The Simpsons Titanic with award winning Dave I Meets at noon in Souths.oc Gorman, Gordon Southern & x read- lounge TR Friday Odeon Leicester Square 2 Open Mic slots. 8pm dBs present Labour Club I 1.55, 3.50, 7.50 FFFFFFFFFFFF^ 1250112

Five Nations Rugl >y Five Nations Live The fee Storm FnqFirr.1 v France. FviVim/F Ipm,Radio Five Live ,i ri;.- 1,-ir,-; H'-: asm Sunset Beach Omnibus Virgin Full 3,15pm, Ch5 I iu F 'IF, 6.1!). F ->F Fr,:Fjf-': :: H;::;P > S::; JFJLS 5 r F> F S Fi !:fl>FW;' Film: The Assassin . ' i opm, rrv , ') Match of the Day 10:45pm, BBC I

Standing Room Only Kung Fu The Efecwr Cafe In & Out Watford v Gillmgham & Training 4 30pm, Southside '{" F/FiF I'm AM). '/ 'F.t'n Arsenal v Chelsea. DaVmci's Gym, beginners welcome Ali Back to Mine - Paul Weller Previews Today Only BIG screen. Bar from noon. UCI Whiteleys Film: Jurassic Park 6.30

Billy Coin . - ji in the.. UCI Empire Artie 6.00 i.'Ff I ' .

Goodness Gracious Me Devil's Advocate 10pm, BBC2 Community Action Group Father Ted Orieon Kensington Tools for self-reliance, 6pm, 10.55pm, C4 ''J /.-it), 5 00 v OF The Brit Awards Live li..".'- I i'FvF IF.iO, Radio I, 8.30pm lero OF, Fi;0 F,F;; Virgin Harrimeirrnith* 6b

STA Bar Trivia Fair Trade Stall Rubber Win £50 CASH or a crate of Noon - 2pm, Union lobby. W:KiWFVBb

lager. Davinci's 8pm, Yacht Club ' UCI Whiteleys Ipm, physics LT 3. 2.00, 4.30, 6 50, 9.10 Circus Skills Soc Odeon Marble Arch 6 - 9pm, Table Tennis Room. 12.30, 3.10, 6.00, 8.30 Contact [email protected]. Virgin Chelsea Community Action Group 12.45, 3.00, 5.45, 8.15 Soup Run. 8.15p. Week's Hall basement kitchen.

ICU Labour Club Rifle and Pistol Club Animaniacs Boogie Nig1". Annual General Meeting Join up & shoot. 1 pm at the 4.15, ITV 12.15pm. Clubs' Committee I'". " FR Room, top floor of theUnion. The X I lies Beit Arch. 10pm, BBC I Orienteering

: : :: : :; , . :: : F

Da Vinci's Cocktail Night Chaplaincy Lunch John Peel Coklcul live Resurrection Man The weekend starts here All Welcome 12.30pm 8.40pm. f Fellwanderers Virgin Haymarket Ipm, Southside Lounge I 20, 4 00, 6 45, 9 10 Dance Club ABC Baker St Ballroom beginners. 6pm, JCR 1.20, 3.40, 6.00, 8.30 Community Action Group Soup Run, 8.15p Week's Hall basement kitchen 6 February 1998 CAPITAL STARS 25

HOROSCOPES

Sagittarius (23/11 - 23/12) Gemini (22/5 - 21/6) Recent unexpected dev^a^gents Minor obstacles or setbacks indi- in your social environmentafilKr significantly linked tftoy^ra single Swords are rega^^e^E^t^^^^rng fundamental eve^^^Se influence challenges enhancinBypur jlprizon of the intuitjrfQuee% of Cups of experience. Hencllto apapeciate rejects the coincidental llspect of the harmonious rainfcw, ycB:must Nothing 03 speak of Shopping and Fucking the connection, enabling the dis- suffer through ihe remperamenwl Queens Theatre, Shaftesbuiy covery of a mysterious secret. Avenue, Wl until 14 March : ., , ! " Prices: Mon-Thurs and mati nees, £6 - £19,50. Fri, Sat £6 - <:c::x.i 22 2 -v 2 v. ; w, . . Capricorn (24/12 - 20/1) Cancer (22/6 - 22/7) £21.50 - standby for cones 2i, ' 'VI; Temperance shows that atitflltve The mysterious Magician stimu- £ 10 on day of performance. V ".. . .. '. See review on page 16. 2V2 2IV.2''V.'V:,'I. ' listening is the heart of communi- lates increasing-fltillMWW^ with -'>:-;! V cation. However ffeur ir^fc^WWa- the skilful dj^ection Thf enelltes 2 'V ;.„'.: ditional values affl^(Mn^^Plke towards earthly^i^s^NHIirfive positions limit the actvtvl coursjpof confusion disperses as you devel-

Dubstar + Wireless 2.-; ; 2:.v;." D&B (Labyrinth Produaion) a relationship, as stubborri*Snence op genuine lSta»|^h^|g|i^ties, Shep Bush Empire > \ 'I'' I.'* IV. @ The Pleasure Rooms, fails to express the extent of your encouraged by subtle and seduc- 7pm, £10 ' Vl, ... 604 High Rd Tottenham. natural feelings. tive charm. Propellertieads + loads more Darren Jay, Swan-E. Kenny Adrenalin Village, SW8. 9pm - Ken. Nikki Blackmarket &c 6am, £20. £9, £8 cones, 10pm - 10am Senser + three supports Pure Silk @SW1 Club, Sonic Mook Experiment. 333 Victoria. House 'n' Garage. Old St, EC I. 10pm - 5am, With Timmi Magic, Booker £10, £5B4 I Ipm. T, Scorpio, etc £10, £8 Horoscopes mem. I0.30pm-6am zuitfi r vv rliiviulWSBLS The Art of trie Hartey Barbican Centre EC I :Vi vr, 2(:,!, i .:: Tube: Barbican VJUVV VV'h 22|'i V>2" ... Until 26 April W tin: , 0\[ana .Vi , „| Vv 2M Vivr'v 22 .22:.! . V :'" V' .12 ill,'I Aquarius (21/1 - 18/2) Leo (23/7 - 23/8) Procrastination is a dangerous thief An overwhelming sense of oppres- sion, revealed by th^Bft^^kTen of od ofs^rc^^fc^^^t^rr^SliO^n^ft Wands , burdens yqjur aurajjtirough Nick Lowe Juiyman @ DogStar excessive resDonsBHtV. jBamine 389 Coldharbour Lane, Jazz Cafe. NWI. 7 - 12pm. Art Sword^Sc^ft^^^^rfcl^rjf!e^^- your priori!ies with, carcjesulting £12. 122 22'" .I22>22I:>2; v;i.i!V VJ'V. Brixton Ian Simmons & Pete The Verve Atlas, Journey into isation of potential tasks or the in efficient KeiMraf organisation Brixton Academy SOLD OUT Breakbeat. Fusion & establishment of alluring personal and the moltaiSF delegation-of Beyond 9pm-1 am. Free, 7pm arrangements. tasks. Info: 0171 733 4506.

Pisces (19/2 - 20/3) Virgo (24/8 - 22/9) Engulfed in a cycle of furious activ- The considerate l

The Puppy Club iKft, getic Five of XVaffl^ighliddPyour and reliable aHe, ;.':.i' ;>/.>,: a <2v W,V-i: fill',. Wi ' i v. 222 ,: ' motivated attitude s life. structive criticisS this ^ei||Hjfc V'A"i.'«]:.!i: vorvv, |2 i.f'iver I'Mdih i2.irj2], Although the hllUMHal' compo this gentle warning allc ".2 :.l : ' I' i crrior>,2ii,.,?v 1; i./v 221 12 Bar f.l:i;:. V(/;"7. 'i-prn 12/ iwyvi i 2. 2i;i,i22^v nent of your aura^^pnainmsome- evaluation of objectives 0KP%^ v'l; 2 M 2;,.'., 2 2.' 2>,. ' , 1,222, what neglected,-' your infectious renewal of essential perspectives. I'.il.'li !' ')..» 2rv, 2M. charisma dominates your state of IviivVi Wi/il,;. 21 ,y ii.jrry.ivc, 2i/"v 1'iirro 2, Ol-.v mind. Libra (23/9 - 23/10) i . i Trapped at the cenJgMka power Aries (21/3 - 20/4) struggle, the conflicting '-Two of A creative forcp^lhinJpWteo- Swords denlMMn balanc%MMH Strangelove Easy Access forth e Boys Swerve @ Velvet Rooms rational approach to a problem. Shep Bush Empire. 7pm, Charring Cross Rd. WC2 tional realm ,1s reflected by Ihe £8.50 ni'.t ' v 2.2 Upfront D&B, Resident artistic Three of Cups and reveals a Indeed yorf^vWWWPf^WfHfc Young Offenders .22; Fabio £6/Nus £4. 10pm- period of undisturbljl spiritual requires the implementation of 2.30am Info. 0171 734 4687 You've heard the single, now self-restraint and caution in order hear it in full Monarch, NWI. Club Fantastic @ Camdem growth. Exploring multipe options, 8pm. £5. £3.50 .cones. Palace. you respond tentatively to affec- to mediate the confrontation. 70's & 80's tionate suggestions and amicable 10pm-2am £5/£3 NUS companionship. Scorpio (24/10 - 22/11) Haunted by-past restrictive eveato, Taurus (21/4 - 21/5) the reversed i|x qiCups.«igruMM^a As you fight valiantly for spegal distinct reluctars, vuiiori Ril Wi House 'n' Garage 26. iDnm-2am Info attention and intimarj| considera- the deviated oSurseV a friendship. iii/M.V? V623 tion, remember that sen^ggBpif- Only through the perception of 'eaveri, fers greatly from self-recommerwja- actual circumstances can the com- Under I he Aicries, <>*f VHIa St V'.'Cvi Uirppl-iriiivi',,,, up tion. However the sjpble Ace of plications be defeated. rifling T'Yti, Deep Heum: 22 Pentacles, symbolising contentrn»;> I i.)ui.)iiy3rri2kfic-iiv. 26/il5 and fulfilment, implies tntWiKess- 2.2)i U . iOvif/vtalv ful outcome of a desirable venture. 26 COMPS PUZZLES 6 February 1998

PUZZLES

CRYPTIC CROSSWORD ACROSS DOWN

4 Back up, concerning devel- 1 Colin loses end to wind (4) oped animal (8) 2 Cent, if mixed up, is poison (6) 8 Highest nick is superb (8) 3 Decrease tune at tea, perhaps (9) 9 Had Simon combined cau- 4 Aspect different shape? (5) tion... (8) 5 Dispatch orders (5) 10 ...Ed's first leg could be fun! 6 Ben, next to zodiac, is short- (4) ened to acid (7) 11 Sweet maker together with 7 Sue in French flow (5) free tonic mix (12) 10 Spinning into gray, perhaps (8) 14 Stu right about oxide (4) 12 Hound Irish police force 16 Part of plant and deer, with back... (3) music losing centre in reverse 13 ...concerning Matt: 1 left trou- (10) bled proposal (8) 19 Curious test reed in trouble 15 Sector hides group (4) (10) 17 Hospital attendants perform 22 Help criminal? That's a gam- minor tasks (9) ble! (4) 18 I am bored, hiding two 23 Citizen and set of squares syllables (4) from power network (8,4) 20 Letter?! i.e. spelt wrongly (7) 27 Right sort of fish holds thread 21 Spring mixed-up sort of snake? (4) (3) 29 Euphoric, European 22 Skilful, according to right (6) Community stationary?! (8) 24 A Northerner from Southern 30 Twice Ed, with French night, town?! (5) was not changed (8) 25 At LAN, mix-up, relating to 31 Les ends sharp gradient at birth... (5) towers (8) 26 ...place, is sort of insect losing end (5) 28 Ed in French paradise (4) Why Don't You £10 Blockbusters Video Token to be Won fop Listening to Yowr L« First correct entry drawn out of the box on Tuesday morning wins this great prize. Drop entries into Felix or send them in internal mail. Last AND DO SOMETHIN week's winner was Matt Campbell of Chem II. Your prize awaits. . Less Useful ANSWERS TO 1 104

Across 3. In Hot Water 8. Welded 9. Angle 10. Mast 1 1. Puroah 13. Open Minded 15. lo 16. Fire Escapes 20. Religiously 24. Mob 25. Come No 1: Green Monks To Pass 27. Tubing 29. Lira 30. Edifyv 31. Lustre 33. Sixth Sense Down 1. Peru 2. Id 3. Idaho 4. Higher Education 5. Thermos 6. Ammonia Once upon a time, there was a immediately." 7. Rated 1 1. Planar 1 2. Ouo 14. Ewe 1 5. Idol 16. Fag 1 7. Cry 18. Pike 19. monestry containing, surprise The monks, being both intelli- Sarong 21. Ego 22. Inexact 23. Isomers 24. Mob 25. Calms 26. Style 28. surprise, a fair number of monks, gent and compliant, would not Nark 32. Si plus one abbot. Being a silent hesitate to fulfil the abbot's wish- order, they could not communi- es. Although they had no mirrors cate in any way. The only infor- and thus no way of examining mation that passed between their own faces, the relevant Light Lunch Competition them at all was via a blackboard monks duly left. placed in the dining room, on Given that the Abbot erases which only the Abbot may write. the message after the last poi- Light Lunch, the daily lunchtime Channel 4 programme, One Monday, the monks soned monk resigned, and that is organising a competition for students to join. were all sitting down for their some monks did so on the daily meal, when the abbot wrote Sabbath, the question is: Your Job: Come up with up a Your Prize: The best entrant on the board this message: How many green-faced short concise poem (no more and thirty of his/her friends "Some of our monks have monks were there, and on what than sixteen lines, a sonnet, if will be invited to the show. been poisoned. The poisoned days did they to leave? you will) about the show, and Light Lunch will sort out the monks have green faces. All how ace it is, that will be used coach, the hassle and hey, green-faced monks must leave before they run the title even a free lunch. Also, to top sequence. There is only one it all off, the winner will open proviso. Your fabulous ditty the show with their master- Mail or e-mail your answers to the Felix office ([email protected]). If you must end with "Cue Titles". piece. Aren't we good to you? are correct, your name will be printed in a blaze of glory next week. Contributions of similar logic / maths puzzles gratefully received (with Mail or e-mail your entries to the Felix Office solutions please!) ([email protected]). The deadline is 27 February. 6 February 1998 SPORT 27

Duathaletes Rule OK ^^^^ On Friday 30 January, Tarik &. Hedley, members of the cycling &. cross-country running club took part in the Serpentine 5km race. This takes place every last Friday of the month at 12:30. Unfortunately our intrepid run- ners were misinformed about this ck so when they turned up imon, "the people's sports edi- dying for a p#ss with minutes tor" touched us all during his before the start they weren't S pleased. short life. Now you can honour in the leading group from the his memory forever with this limited start, they held third 8. fourth edition print. From a photo taken at places until the final mile. his peak, this print clearly captures the Spurred on by shouts from vibrancy and joi de vivre that endeared Hedley, Tarik went for the lead- Simon to millions. ers, passed them & won. Hedley held his fourth at the finish. It would nice to see some A must for all collectors of Simon more IC runners next time so Dunsby Memorabilia, This beautiful come cv have a go if you think picture can be yours today. you're hard enough! Contact i 1 c.fishlock@ic for information. jPlease send me my limited edition Simon Dunsby memorial' But that's not all! Order within seven jprint. SEND NO MONEY YET. 1 understand that 1 will be billed! days and you will also receive a video lin six monthly installments of £15.99 of "The Simon Dunsby Workout" The iMr/Mrs/Miss. great new exercise schedule devised in lAddress Simon's memory. (Only available in

Betamax.) i Postcode [Signature The Simon Dunsby Memorial print. |If you are under 18. don't tell your parents about this order, it will only upset them.lj It's what he would have wanted. I Understand that my personal details will be sold to businesses, religious cults etc. *Does not include £9.99 Postage and Packing. J Mail to "The St Dunsby Memorial Collection (Formerly Honest Jake's Quality Gift] I Emporium), Felix Offices. Imperial College. I 1

There and Back Again FlfSt ClaSS POSt

This year, 14 February sees the whole to compete in this unique IC RIFLE SHOOTERS TAKE ON THE Prince William of wales badge. 50th anniversary of the annual sporting event. After the race there WORLD AND COME SECOND No-one from IC strayed into the Hyde Park Relay race. This event, will be a presentation of the prizes lower halves of their divisions, so hosted by ICU Cross Country Club, and food. If you would like to run, John McCartney and Laurent Gould well done Mike, Andrew, Nick, regularly entertains over please contact: d.rock- came a ctedible second in their Paul, Rupert, and Jacob as well as 600 runners from all over [email protected], or check out class for the Prince William of the winners of cups and badges. Europe and the UK. The the club web site: Wales pairs championships, a The next individual shoot will be in three mile course for www.su.ic.ac.uk/club- national postal shooting competi- march/april, being the equivalent of men and two mile course socs/acc/crosscountry/hpr tion with over 600 competitors. the Autoglass Windshields Trophy for women encompass a If anyone is interested They also managed to both gain so watch out for results in "FELIX" lap around the in marshalling on the day, promotion in the individuals event because they won't be on Serpentine and the Long it would require about 3 and will now no longer be consid- Grandstand (might make Live TV Water. * \mj hours of your time, to ered as the Vauxhall Conference though). This year the Imperial tt guide people round the league players and will be in divi- Cross Country team ' course. Every marshall sion 3 next year should they have hopes to enter four HYDE gets a free T-shirt, free the bottle to go for the big time. men's and two women's food and entry to the Dan Booker also gains promotion teams, however we would like to party in dB's. E-mail Chris Fishlock from Div3 to Div2 by winning a invite members of the college as a at: [email protected] 28 SPORT 6 February 1998 All Sorts of Football Heroics

CHELSEA PLAY ICWAFC V ST IC II V KINGSTON II The match was finally sealed fifteen minutes from time with ORGANIC FOOTIE GEORGE'S Last year IC seconds qualified in another Pistol Pete goal. They all the inferior BUSA Shield, went to count, and despite the fact that it Chelsea won their first silverware St. George's were our opponents Leicester and lost eleven - nil. This was from one yard out, surely this of the year - the ptestigious as we braved -5 winds to embark year, the seconds had performed was the most ptecious goal Pete Biology five-a-side tournament. in our first match of the season. heroically in the league stage and has scored all season. Six quality sides took the field last Match fitness proved to be less qualified for the superior cup com- Particular mention must go to Sunday to play in a league with the of a problem than first anticipated, petition. Despite the daunting task Andy Ferguson who managed to two top teams playing off to win although Hedge had warned us to ahead of us, the seconds were ready combine defensive fortitude with the coveted title. In the final give the all important 200%. for our opponents, Kingston. Now was attacking class and for Stevie C Chelsea having won all their previ- The first goal was a while a the time for redemption. who stepped into the breach after ous games met Coults AFC. The while coming although we had all With the referee needing to be resusci- Phil The Pill's bizarre domestic game was hard but Chelsea turned the pressure; Lili the powerhouse tated before the match, both teams accident put him out of action. out the superior side. A brilliant (Why's our leccy bill so high then? waited pensively for the kick-off. The ini- So, Captain Loz leads an IC penalty save by Iggy &. an own- - ed.) struck the ball low into the tial signs looked bad, with Kingston football team into the second goal by Dr. Coults sealed a 3-0 tri- back of the net. She scored again stroking the ball about with gusto and IC round of the BUSA cup for the first umph for The Blues. Cheers to within a few minutes with another looking a bit panicked. After five minutes time in living memory. Hurrah! everyone who took part &. espe- impressive strike as the 3 sup- of mutual probing, IC broke from the Thanks also to supersub The cially the organisers. Yous done posed strikers floundered. back. Si received the ball on the halfway- Mighty Robo, coming out of retire- well! We started the 2nd half 2 nil line, turned and ran at the Kingston ment for one final game. up fx with several more layers on defence. They backed away and backed Elsewhere at Harlington, the to try fx fight the nipple hardening away, leaving him the chance to have a firsts lost to a strong UEA team cold (spectator sport?). Again we crack from a few yards outside the area. despite a classy goal from Spanish had all the pressure &. eventually The goalie managed to get a hand to the Superstud Alex. And to the Best of shot but it wasn't enough as the ball flew Taffy stuck home - the first of the fourths... three strikers to score. This was into the back of the net. Astheheadline once said, followed by the 'Hooded Yank', The game continued at a blis- "Glory, Glory IC Fourths", so it mates Anna, who broke her duck on her tering pace with Kingston probing proved today with an excellent 2-0 debut. us gently but with our defence in win in the BUSA shield versus Last week the Chess Club's 1st Scrubber missed around 15 sit- control. Minutes after the first goal, Brunei. A professional perfomance team scored another win at home ters ix it was all looking rather a good break down the left saw from the team and a clean sheet against Harrow, avenging last sea- embarrassing until she eventually Martin bearing down on goal. was only marred by a horrific injury son's disastrous draw. scored when a nice Greek bird put Despite an angle, our Tiny Tyneside four minutes from time to inspira- Harrow's top boards included her clear through with seven min- Tyke slotted the ball away at the tional Captain Andrew Swift. two International Masters. IC's utes to go. near post. Two-nil up and IC were Epitomising the whole teams' spir- Jon Hastings was horribly savaged The back three were never real- playing their hearts out. it Andy launched into a brave chal- until IM Colin Crouch blundered ly troubled with Markhus, Despite the teams being very lenge on the 6 foot 5 Brunei 'keep- like a novice. Paul Georghiou Wannabe Yank Vasso fx Sick Bird close in terms of skill, IC's commit- er. Unfortunately the damage isn't resigned but spent hours trying to Hacker ensuring only one goal ment meant that Kingston were superficial and Andy wiil be out of convince everyone he ought to passed their dainty bodies (or was always on the back foot. Not action for a long time. Everyone in have won. that a mistake by frost-bitten keep- renowned for their battling quali- the Fourth Team, and indeed the Natasha Regan's opponent er Langrish?). ties, the seconds pulled something whole Club wishes Swift a speedy forked her rooks and Nick Well done birds. On to the special out of the hat and were first recovery and we all hope he is back Moloney sank into a safe draw. Semis! to every ball in the first half, were up to full fitness by the start of next Gavin Knott set a pretty trap for his 1CWAFC 5 - 1 St George's harder in the challenge than their year. As a captain Andy was orgas- opponent, who obliged and lost South London rivals and altogether mically magnificent, his team talk his queen. Chris Greenshields much harder than the, at face today focused his players minds resorted to chomping bananas; his value, physically stronger bods and spirits to such an extent that opponent soon lost the plot of the Results from Kingston. actually the result was never seri- game. Patrick Duncan was pitted A modicum of egality was ously in doubt. For the record the against "the most boring player attained for around ten minutes, goals were scored by Darren and ever". Exasperated, he accepted a Hockey but another IC move saw Pistol Perez and I would like to add that 1 draw. Harrow's captain appeared ICHC 111 6 - I Wye Pete charging one-on-one towards didn't get sent off but saved a cru- to have Dave Tang tied in knots at 1CWHC 112-0 Oxford the Kingston goal. From a similar cial penalty when the score was nil- first, but Dave's superior skills told position to Martin, our Gaelic Goal- nil. Good luck Andy; we'll win the eventually. Football Machine buried the ball into the net final for you! The final score of 5-3 gives the ICFC 11-3 Uni. East Anglia I and broke Kingston's hearts. Three- Telephone reports from darkest team 7/7 for the season so far, ICFC II 4 - 1 Kingston II nil at half time and things were Wales suggest that the Thirds tri- making them almost certain to ICFC III 3 - 2 Swansea Institute looking up. umphed 3-2 against their sheep- tetain the Middlesex League ICFC IV 2 - 0 Brunei IV The second half was more even shagging opponent at the Swansea Championship for the third year ICWAFC 5 - 1 St George's for the first half an hour, with Institute for Guide-Dogs. Rumours running. Kingston reducing the deficit to of ginger scousers scoring are as The Chess Club is hosting Rugby two. But with Rob at central yet unconfirmed, but if Jamie has weekend tournaments on 8 and ICRFC I - Went to wrong ground. defence winning every header and broken his IC duck then we will 21-22 February. All standards of ICRFC III 10 - 13 Portsmouth tackle they couldn't find another never hear the end of it. player are welcome. Contact Barry and as the match wore on IC found ICFC II 4 - 1 Kingston II Gale ([email protected], or call more and more space to break. 0181 316 4132} for more.