TFTSZ Season 2 Episode 2: Aggressive Towards Schlock (Sea Change and Philodendron by AstralSilk.) Author’s Note: I HATE the Netflix version of Aggressive Retsuko. In the original TBS shorts, Retsuko DID get annoyed with her coworkers and bosses and had to vent, but she still wanted to come back to work the next day (In fact, her catchphrase is basically “I’ll do my best tomorrow!”), whereas Netflix Retsuko tries to get married so that she doesn’t have to work– What a cop-out! Add the fact that the character doesn’t really fit with a serialized storyline (She’s a Sanrio character, her primary purpose is to sell merchandise!) and that the dub voices are both generic and annoying, and you’ve got yourself a recipe for hype backlash! Please note that these will be the only two Aggressive Retsuko fanfics I will actively seek out because it makes me so angry. If you want me to read another one, you’ll need to find one and tell me what it is (and I won’t just read a normal “bad” fanfic, it either has to be so bad it’s good [think Plan 9 from Outer Space] or so bad it’s horrible [think Nukie]), otherwise I’d go absolutely insane! Commentators: ME: Bismuth83 SMS: Samus WAV: Wave VBR: Vibri DAR: Daria LAN: Lan MGX: MegaMan.exe CAL: Callie MRE: Marie MYU: Miyu CLM: Clemont RTK: Retsuko EGT: Eaglette PRL: Pearl MRN: Marina LPF: Lord ‘P’c’f’l (Sketch character) HDA: Haida (Sketch character) NTK: Netsuko (Sketch character) RSK: Resasuke (Sketch character) FNK: Fenneko (Sketch character) ASK: AstralSilk (Sketch character) �TURN DOWN YOUR LIGHTS� (IF YOU WANT TO DAMAGE YOUR EYES) � In the not too distant future/ In a nebula of schlock/ Is an accountant named Retsuko/ Who really likes hard rock
Her Netflix adaption was pretty bad/ And as you’d expect, she got real mad/ She took a few days rest up on our satellite/ And nearly every single action she does here is out of spi~ite! RTK: *Destroying cutouts of Haida/Heinrich, Resasuke/Lester, Zelda/Fenneko, a miscolored version of herself with a black dot on her chin and the Netflix logo* I! HATE! YOU! They *pointing to me* pay me to read fanfics/ The worst this guy *holds up a picture of Lord Epicfail* can find/ I’ve gotta get back to my job/ Or I’ll lose my goddamn mind! Now keep in mind we can’t control/ How Lord Epicfail reacts/ She’ll have to keep her sanity/ Until she can go back! GUEST STAR ROLL CALL! RETSUKO! RTK: I MISS MY JOB! EAGLETTE! EGT: Same here! MARINA! MRN: Stay off the hook! PEAAAAAAAAARL! PRL: This is wack, yo! If you’re wondering why I hate Netflix/ Then look up to the top/ And if you like their adaptation, then/ You should probabl~y stop! This is Tales from the Schlock Zone, biatches! *twang!*
*SOAP interior. Retsuko is staying here until she calms down after the events of the DarkDoomFireMaster duology left her too traumatized to go back to work for a while. She’s on a couch wearing headphones with a microphone, angrily watching the Netflix adaptation of Aggressive Retsuko and providing occasionally snarky, but mostly angry commentary (For instance: Netflix Retsuko (henceforth Netsuko): “Hi there! I’m Retsuko!” (I don’t care if I get this quote wrong)
RTK: “And I have a really annoying voice that makes me sound like a ditzy teen who only thinks about sex, which I basically am!” Also, NO! YOU! AREN’T! I! AM! THE! REAL! RETSUKO! *under her breath* Fucking spineless, dick-worshipping impostor... )Enter Samus. SMS: ...Didn’t you say you hated the Netflix version of your series? RTK: Yeah, but I can’t just keep my hatred bottled up, so I’m recording commentary on these in the style of MST3K/ Rifftrax/ The Film Crew/ Cinematic Titanic so I can share it with the multiverse. SMS: I don’t exactly think that’s a good idea... Maybe you should, I dunno, do something to take your mind OFF of it instead of perseverating on it. *She taps a button on the side of her helmet* Hello? Uh- huh. Okay. We’ll be there soon. Bye! *She presses the same button again* Bismuth’s calling for us. We have a fanfiction to commentate on. RTK: WHAT?! OK, FINE! *They walk over to the main screen* RTK: Stupid fanfiction... pulling me away from my job, making me so angry I can’t go back to work̶ I’m already starting today pissed off at Netflix! LPF: *The screen comes on and his nebulous visage appears* I’ll give you something to be angry about— 2 fanfics about the Netflix version of your universe! *maniacal laughter as the screen turns off* RTK: *Her kanji is glowing at max brightness* WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?! THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO LIKE THE NETFLIX VERSION?! ME: *frantically types in a command to the teleporter to summon Eaglette, Pearl, and Marina* EGT: Retsuko? Is that you?! What’s going on?! ME: *nervously* Hi, we’re going to commentate on two fanfics based on the Netflix version of your universe, and as you can see, we don’t really like it all that much… PRL: Daaaaaang… MRN: All this over fanfiction? ME:Yeah, so anyways, let’s get to commentating! FANFIC SIGN! sea change astralsilk Summary: Haida leaves late on Friday and ends up staying up all night drinking Sapporo in his underwear in the dark
ME:Hah! Loser!
, feeling something light in his chest filling up the breathless, aching hollow space that used to live there — the slow-healing wound he’d been nursing since he was twenty-two. He’s not young and stupid and in love any more,
ME:But he’s still stupid and in love. Particularly the “stupid” part, though. but it’s a feeling he recognizes all over again, knowing that he’s fucked but too stubborn to derive the answer for himself. Notes: i guess i'm a big ol' fucking furry now (See the end of the work for more notes.) Work Text: A month after she calls off the engagement, RTK: This even ACKNOWLEDGES that I don’t want to get married!
Haida’s plan is to keep his head down, shut up, and WAV: Drink his goddamn TEA! nurse the still-open wound Tategami gave him when she left until his heart is swallowed by the scar tissue. RTK: Oh, go listen to “Crawling in My Skin,” you big whiny BITCH!
Everyone at the office assumes he doesn’t want to talk about it except for Fenneko, who is knocked uncharacteristically off balance as she tries to tiptoe around the minefield of his relationship issues. RTK: She fails, though, and gets blown up. He keeps showing up to work, because he has to, but he doesn’t bother pretending to be anything but soul-crushingly depressed about it. EGT: If he doesn’t like his job, then why doesn’t he get a different one?! It’s not like he lives in a communist society where his job’s decided FOR him! He CHOSE to work here!
It’s so awkward that nobody has anything else to say. He dedicates himself to his work, EGT: Liar, liar, your pants are so on fire that I’m surprised you don’t have third-degree burns all over your entire ass. showing his face only at mandatory office parties, and whenever anyone tries to needle him about his love life he draws into his shell so tightly that it only takes three months of his behavior before Fenneko gets fed up and smacks him upside the head. RTK: OUT OF MY LIFE. NOW.
The next day they decide through a series of gestures and half- spoken apologies that they were just going to pretend that all his weird pining shit was already over. RTK: IT’S NOT?!
That March, the company makes forty million yen on coffee futures CLM: From the makers of the Mocha Angry comes the Coffee Future! A taste of science and technology yet to come in every
cup!
and the size of the accounting department triples. Fenneko brings one of the newbies into the break room to eat with them on a whim, a short-statured red panda with wide, anxious eyes and ill-fitting work shoes. When Tategami left, she’d still been in her work uniform, filling a bag with the detritus CLM: …Why would she put dead
bodies into her bag? of her daily life even as she was speaking to him. Haida shakes his head, as if the action will dispel the memory. “Douzo,” the new girl says, bowing deeply. “My name is Retsuko.” “Nice to meet you, Retsuko.” Haida says.
RTK: “I already hate you.” ME: Don’t we all? I mean, look at this: Isis pre-April 2013: The Egyptian goddess of healing. Isis post-April 2013: A terrorist group you can’t even mention without sounding right- wing. Haida pre-April 2018: One of the Canadian First Nations. Haida post- April 2018: One of the reasons the Netflix reboot sucks.
Haida likes numbers LAN:Oh yeah? If you like numbers so much, then why don’t you marry them?
, and he likes the vision of himself as a businessman with a family he never sees and coworkers he drinks too much with — the Japanese dream RTK: I never saw it that way…
— so when the man who interviews him at the firm asks him why he wants the job he waxes poetic about the beauty of tracking accounts payable. RTK: SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUUUUU UUUUUT UUUUUUU UUUUUUP !!!!
That’s how he ends up in the accounting department making Excel spreadsheets until 8pm every night, on a first-name basis with the man who runs the ramen-ya in the alley behind the building. He lives in a 1k apartment and shares a desk with a sly, attractive fennec fox from Yokohama. Her name is Fenneko, and they bond over their shitty intern experiences and vending machine addiction. RTK: GET THE FUCK OVER IT!!!
“One day,” Haida gripes over the break room table. “I’ll leave this place.” RTK: Good, why not leave NOW?! Then I won’t have to deal with you! “Where are you going to go?” Fenneko asks reasonably, because they’re both punch-drunk from crunching numbers and Haida’s idea is a terrible one. “What other work are you possibly going to do?” RTK: She has a point‒ Who’d want to hire this whiny SOB?
“I don’t know — something — fucking anything that isn’t this.” RTK: “I’m seriously considering working retail!”
Haida says, tugging at his fur. “Ganbatte,” she says dryly. “I believe in you.” LAN:She also doesn’t want to have to deal with him!
Half of marketing’s charges aren’t showing up in the GL and Tsubone’s on a rampage. ME:What kind? Reading? Legal? Regal? Lyrical? Rampage-stompin’- boy style?
She’s been taking it out on Retsuko in particular, and Haida can’t say he blames Retsuko for crying. RTK: *Smashes her head against a wall* I VENT AT MY BOSSES AND COWORKERS BY SINGING DEATH METAL KARAOKE AFTER WORK! THAT’S ALL I NEED WHEN I GET FRUSTRATED WITH MY BOSSES AND COWORKERS!
Their department is on unofficial standstill because none of their accruals procedures are designed to operate during the end of days. RTK: Oh, GROW UP! “I think I’m going to puke,” Retsuko wallows, RTK: Hey, at least they realize that bad fanfiction about me makes me feel physically sick!
sprawled across the break room table in a position that she spends more time in these days than not. RTK: SHUT UP!!!!
The majority of the late accruals have been making their way to her desk, hand-picked by Tsubone when she’s not harassing the interns with her seemingly endless supply of jars to open. CAL: …Why? Are all the interns cephalopods? If that’s the case, then we’ve evolved past the “opening jars” phase
a LONG time ago!
“Suck it back up,” Fenneko says, tapping away at her phone. RTK: DAMN STRAIGHT!
Days like this have become normal. Haida has fuck all to do because he doesn’t work on accruals, normally, and even though it’s none of his business he can’t help the bolt of guilt that strikes him at the sight of Retsuko laid out in tears.
RTK: YOU DO NOT GET ME AT ALL!
“Hey,” he says, though he’s not entirely sure why — “ Retsuko. I can help, if you need it.” RTK: I HAVE NOT, DO NOT, AND WILL NEVER NEED ANYONE’S HELP WITH MY JOB!!!!!
“Ah,” she says, her face lighting up. “Haida, if you really don’t mind.” She clasps her paws together and Haida thinks: cute. MRN: BACK OFF, PERV!
He does mind, and it’s tedious, back-breaking work RTK: OH MY GOD, WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP AND STOP EQUATING ALL WORK WITH SWEATSHOP LABOR?! to sort out all of her rookie mistakes, but he finds himself doing it anyway. He got into accounting because he liked numbers, originally, but liking numbers never prepared him for the tedium of finance and the frustration of sorting through poorly scrawled, coffee-stained receipts from sales. RTK: *her kanji is glowing at maximum brightness* THEN WHY DID YOU CHOOSE THIS JOB?!
Haida leaves late on Friday and ends up staying up all night drinking Sapporo in his underwear in the dark, feeling something light in his chest filling up the breathless, aching hollow space that used to live there — the slow-healing wound he’d been nursing since he was twenty-two. He’s not young and stupid and in love any more, but it’s a feeling he recognizes all over again, knowing that he’s fucked but too stubborn to derive the answer for himself.
ME:Oh my god, the story’s caught in a time loop! ALEC AND SHANNA WILL NEVER STOP TALKING ABOUT THEIR SUMMER VACATION,BILL MURRAY WILL NEVER LEAVE PUNXSUTAWNEY, THE MOON WILL KEEP CRASHING INTO TERMINA,MOMOKA WILL NEVER FINISH BUILDING HER THEME PARK,AND MIKE NELSON WILL KEEP TRIPPING FOREVER! WE ARE IN NARAKU, DOOMED TO READ THE SAME PART OF THIS HORRENDOUS FANFIC FOREVER AND EVER WITH NO END IN SIGHT! *I break down crying*
It happens like this: ME:Guess not.
Haida’s 18 when he meets Tategami. Their parents introduced them with the intent of arranging marriage, but quickly find there’s no need for the formality. It’s a whirlwind romance. Tategami chronicled the entire thing on social media. He used to think that was charming, her need to document every moment of their lives and put it on display. He thought stupidly at the time that it was her way of showing him off. Once he settled down at the firm and the reality of his ambition — or lack of it — set in, Tategami proved him wrong. It’s probably why it hurt so badly, why it still feels like a burning hole in his chest. Haida thought he was safe because there had only been proof that Tategami was in love, love, love with him,
ME:I hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate HATE YOU, AUTHOR!
over and over to the world and to the internet she had said: I love him. He didn’t realize she wasn’t saying it to him, or for him, until it was too late. He was so busy congratulating himself for having his life together: a steady job, a fiancé, RTK: Because without marriage, your life is incomplete!
his own apartment, that he failed to realize he’d already given Tategami the ammunition she needed.
He used to think that if he met her again, he would ask Tategami why she’d agreed to marry him in the first place, whether she ever regretted it, if she’d think of coming back to him. Instead, he tucks those feelings inside the hundreds of cells in his spreadsheets, one kana at a time, chipping away at the ache. RTK: That’s SO unhealthy! Just do what I do and channel it into music! It’s fall, the fresh snap of cold shaking down the last of the city’s foliage, and all that remains is the sharp smell of the air and a looming, dim sky. It’s nearing the end of the quarter and rest feels more like a myth than a possibility. RTK: Aww, isn’t that cute? The author thinks we care!
Director Ton keeps his abacus fisted so tightly that Haida suspects he’s sleeping under his desk with it. Tsunoda is in fine form, whittling away at the work on her desk by shamelessly foisting it on the rest of them, and Haida takes about three hours of this before he stands up and declares that he needs a fucking drink. RTK: I do too!
When Fenneko sets down her phone, Retsuko has already worked herself into a frenzy. RTK: I have torn the bar to shreds because I HATE EVERYONE THERE!!!!! “I want to go home,” she wails, tears punctuated by the cold clink of the soft drink can Haida’s digging out of the vending machine. RTK: HOLY SHIT THE STORY’S PSYCHIC!
He feels that strange, sinking feeling that he’s become accustomed to when Retsuko gets this way, a restless desire that he can’t pinpoint or name. RTK: I know what it’s called: BEING A DUMBASS WHO WON’T LET HIS STUPID UNREQUITED LOVE GO!
Tategami, for all that she put on display for the world, was not one to be so free with her emotions. When she was upset, Tategami would hide herself away from him, sometimes for days, refusing to show any weakness. RTK: I DON’T GIVE A SHIT!!!!!!
He used to think that was one of her strengths. In the end, it only meant that she’d shut him out. But for all that he admires Retsuko’s genuine openness, Haida doesn’t know how to deal. RTK: SEE ABOVE. K. THANKS. BYE.
He sits at the table, passing his bag of snacks towards Retsuko, who at this point is positively frothing at the mouth. RTK: Yeah, with rage towards this crappy fanfic! She doesn’t acknowledge them, and Haida’s internal panic meter tips into the danger zone. MGX: Is it wrong that I’m fantasizing about these two getting mowed down by fighter jets? RTK: I’m doing it too!
“Retsuko,” he soothes, because she’s being so loud . He covers one of Retsuko’s paws with his own. “Relax, okay? It will be alright.” Retsuko pauses her crying and draws back, all stiff upper lip. The immediacy of it startles him. “Yes, okay. You’re right. I’m sorry.” SMS: OH HELL NO! YOU ARE NOT OTHER M-ING HER! I HATE YOU, AUTHOR! I NEED TO GO DESTROY SOMETHING! THIS ISN’T ROMANTIC OR CUTE! IT’S TAKING A CAPABLE FEMALE CHARACTER AND TURNING HER INTO AN EMOTIONAL TRAINWRECK WHO NEEDS A SCHLONG AND A PAIR OF BALLS TO CALM HER DOWN! I AM SO GONNA KICK YOUR ASS! RTK: That’s how we do it, Samus! Gimme five! *High-fives Samus… Well, she’s high-fiving, anyway. Samus has to give her a low-five because of the massive height discrepancy.*
She smiles at Haida, paw still clasped in his. He feels his face heat up. Fenneko is looking at him. “What?” he asks. “Nothing,” Fenneko says, her expression impenetrable. Haida jerks his paw back in an aborted motion. RTK: ALL OF YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN ABORTED AT BIRTH!!!!
It isn’t anything, he thinks, and Fenneko should know that. Retsuko has torn into the bag of snacks with aplomb, the thin veil of calm that seems to accompany her everywhere she goes fitted firmly back into place. RTK: *Through clenched teeth* METAL. KARAOKE. BAR.
Haida thinks again: cute, but buries the thought somewhere deep, somewhere he doesn’t want to go.
RTK: The REAL world!
Terrible revenue means Haida works longer hours and starts eating a lot of takoyaki from the street vendor two blocks from the office. MRN: Of course, this all comes back to bite him in the... well, you know— when one of his octopus coworkers sees him and squeezes the life out of him. Retsuko, who doesn’t seem to eat at all, pulls him aside and says, “Haida-san, I think you need RTK: “To grow up and be less whiny.” a proper meal.” Haida’s aware the invite is motivated almost entirely by pity, but Fenneko tags along and they make an evening of it, and by the third round of drinks there’s genuine friendship at stake. RTK: Ha ha ha‒ No there isn’t.
Every relationship for Haida starts like this now, scared and hesitant, tiptoeing into the room and grabbing him from behind RTK: Then suplexing him into a wall, smashing his head in with a claw hammer, and blowing him up with a missile launcher.
until it’s just as tangled and complicated as everything was with Tategami, but for now Haida is content just to eat with the two of them, answering Fenneko’s sly smiles with his own lopsided grin and laughing a little too brashly at Retsuko’s jokes. RTK: Yeah, even the ones about me violently murdering him!
Fenneko is grilling Retsuko about her love life, RTK: I! DON’T! HAVE ONE!
but she dodges the questions with a vague, anxious humming they’ve grown accustomed to interpreting. Haida finds it endearing, RTK: I WILL SHRED YOU DOWN TO THE SUBATOMIC LEVEL!
and judging by the artful look on Fenneko’s face, she does as well. Haida’s not listening, not really; he’s loosened his tie and rolled up his shirtsleeves, happy to just take in the buzz of his surroundings as the alcohol seeps into his brain. RTK: I WILL PROBABLY NEVER FEEL HAPPINESS AGAIN BECAUSE OF THIS GODDAMN FANFIC! He feels comfortable with himself in a way he hasn’t in years; Tategami didn’t drink, PRL: Then how did she stay hydrated?
and only liked eating out at formal restaurants they couldn’t really afford. It’s been a while since he’s thought about her, longer than he ever thought he could go. RTK: Do you really think I care?
“What about you, Haida?” Fenneko asks, interrupting his thoughts, “Is there anyone you’re interested in?” PRL: I hope not!
“No,” Haida lies. RTK: On the other hand, when I say that I’M not interested in anyone, I FUCKING MEAN IT!
“I see,” Fenneko allows, sipping her drink. They meet up weekly after that.
He keeps thinking it can’t get any worse even as he explores new and interesting ways to fuck himself over. RTK: GROW UP, YOU GODDAMN WORTHLESS EMO SHIT! THAT IS, IF YOU’RE NOT TOO BUSY CUTTING YOURSELF AND DRINKING DETERGENT!
Haida tries to keep his head down and avoid the death spiral his heart has tumbled into, RTK: *Incoherent screaming* mirroring the one in revenue forecasts Director Ton keeps calculating and recalculating as though the outcome will be any different. Heads start rolling in the upper echelons of the business and Haida thinks, “Oh shit,” because RTK: He’s the next victim of this serial killer!
at least three of the executives that founded the company and kept its lights on in the early days PRL: Back then, they worked double shifts at the nearest power plant as well as at the company!
have been ousted. Haida keeps waiting for the other shoe to drop, for the inevitable downsizing that comes with drops in performance but it never seems to come. Inexplicably, he thinks of Retsuko. RTK: What do you mean, “inexplicably?” I’M THE ONLY THING THAT PERV THINKS OF!
When Haida wakes up in the morning and stares at the roof of his 13- tatami apartment, he doesn’t know whether he’ll lose his job that day, whether he’ll see her again. It’s terrifying, and weirdly freeing. RTK: I want to be free from this story!
He buys a leather jacket and takes up smoking. They spend a lot of time at the bar. “What is the point of torturing us?” Retsuko asks, RTK: Oh, the fucking irony.
picking at the coaster under her pint. Haida gapes at the way her claws shred the cardboard. “Why do they keep bringing us in?” RTK: Okay, I do NOT see my job as “torture!” Sure, I get annoyed with my coworkers and bosses sometimes, but that’s a normal part of life, and I’ve wanted to work at this company in this position forever! Quit letting the anarcho- communist hypocrites at Netflix poison your mind!
“It would be cheaper to fire us,” Fenneko agrees,
RTK: Well, I have fantasized about some of my more irritating coworkers getting fired so people who actually deserve it (like me) earn more...
daring to look up from her phone long enough to burn a hole into the side of Haida’s head with her eyes. Retsuko makes a complicated face. Haida’s seen more of them than his apartment this month. RTK: I wish I never have to see Heinrich ever again! I want him fired!
Maybe it’s because he’s drunk, but he can’t look away despite the heat of Fenneko’s gaze. PRL: Cool, she has laser eyes!
He seems to be having that problem a lot lately. “You're not helping,” he says quickly. Fenneko shrugs, eyes returning to her phone.
Just after, when everything had hurt and it felt like his whole body was open and raw, RTK: Oh, I wish.
Haida had thought about running after her. His parents already had lists of names, girls lined up to take Tategami’s place, ME: CHEERLEADER! SO AND SO! WHAT’S HER FACE! THE UGLY ONE! so he started avoiding his phone whenever his okasan called, sitting around aching and trying to decide if he felt more miserable or humiliated. ME: I don’t know whether I feel more angry or bored! It was usually about 50:50. Drinking a lot didn’t actually help, because at best it seemed to transform the self-pity into the kind of debilitating pain that left Haida shaking and on his knees. RTK: THEN FUCKING END IT, BITCH!
It’s stupid, RTK: You got that right!
Haida knows, that more than anything even now he’ll just be hurt. It follows him — to work, to the bar, to bed, and wakes him up from dreamless sleep to eat at his insides, making him question his sanity RTK: You act like he was ever sane! until he calls his otosan just so he can be lectured and escape the noise in his head. It’s terrible. RTK: You’re telling me! This is possibly the worst fanfic I’ve ever read, and I’ve read Sonic High School!
It’s so all-encompassing, and Haida remembers sitting in his apartment and thinking about if he were to try and get her back, he’d never be able to put it behind him, to close up the gaping wound she left when she cut herself out of his life. He’ll just have to gaze at it every day in the mirror, maybe for months, maybe for years until there’s no memory of his naïveté and how much Tategami never cared for him after all — never cared about anything other than the appearance of the perfect life. Tategami is just an ugly stain RTK: RUDE!
Haida won’t ever be able to clean; she’ll live as that sharp twinge in his chest, the shock of dizziness at a sudden memory of her scent, her laugh. Haida’s not going to let anyone own him that way again.
RTK: From now on, HE’S going to do the owning, starting with ME! *She looks absolutely terrified*
November slips past like a ghost; Haida barely remembers any of it other than pulling all nighters alternating between taking on part of Retsuko’s extra workload RTK: I DON’T WANT YOUR HELP! and getting shitfaced to avoid the seeming inevitability of their doom. RTK: Well, his doom, anyway.
December shows up in a huff, bringing with it a renewed sense of energy. The numbers start creeping back into the black, and it feels like a noose has been loosened around the department’s collective neck. RTK: Good idea! Let’s hang him!
They’re sitting in the izakaya at the foot of the building at 9pm on a Tuesday, and the bar is heaving with fellow accountants trying to drown the stress of the previous quarter in sake. RTK: Yeah, like that will help…
They’re all more than a little drunk. Haida is challenging his own highest score on Cookie Run,
MGX: *Laughing his digital ass off* BWAHAHAHAHA HE ACTUALLY PLAYS THOSE CRAPPY PAY- TO-WIN SHOVELWARE SMARTPHONE GAMES! halfway through his second beer when Retsuko taps him on the shoulder and says, “Um, Haida?” RTK: “I hate you!”
It feels like it burns where she touches him,
RTK: Because I’m using my newfound fire powers to get this moron out of my life!
and it takes all of his willpower not to reel back, and even more of it not to lean in. “Ah, Retsuko, what is it?” he says, momentarily stupefied. RTK: “I’m going to kill you!” “Thank you,” she says, “for all your help.” He nods. Her face is a flaming red, from RTK: The anger she feels towards this stupid fanfic.
the embarrassment or the alcohol, he can’t tell. He’s staring again. “Oh,” he says, “It was nothing.”
RTK: You lie! YOU LIIIIIIIE!
Haida only goes back up to the office because he forgot his phone charger, and he’s in the middle of unplugging it from under his desk when Fenneko corners him. RTK: She’s got a semiautomatic and she isn’t afraid to use it!
“What are you doing?” she asks. RTK: “I’m just fantasizing about shredding Retsuko’s cervix into ribbons and preventing her from making her own salary!”
“I’m — I’m just standing here,” he says, because there’s no point in pretending. He glances over his shoulder to check the rest of the office, mercifully empty at the end of the day. “Seriously,” Fenneko says, “are you okay?” RTK: OF COURSE HE ISN’T! HE ISN’T MENTALLY STABLE, AND HE ISN’T SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE!
His instinct is to lie, but they both know what she means. He stops to think about it. RTK: Huh, I didn’t even know he could think, PERIOD!
Haida’s not sure he's ever been okay when it comes to Retsuko. RTK: Well, I’ve never been okay with him!
He’s been delighted and intrigued and if he admits it to himself, head over heels, in love with the idea of the Retsuko he’s built up in his mind. RTK: Of course, the idea he’s built is a complete lie!
Sweet, dependable Retsuko — RTK: LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!
but Haida’s not the kind of boy RTK: See, he’s SO immature! who throws himself at the feet of women anymore. He’d never pushed it beyond smiling a little too much, being a little too obvious, and Haida’s not one to burn himself twice. RTK: Which is why I’m gonna burn him myself! “Yes,” he says, instead of all that. “I’m okay.”
RTK: THE FILTHY ALTERNATE EARTH BOY LIES!
Fenneko catches cold CLM: I’ve always wanted that Pokémon! What would you be willing
to trade it for?
and leaves promptly at 5pm every day for the train station in a whirlwind of sniffles and quiet, sour-faced grumbling. “Don’t mind me,” she says the first week, when they are expected to go out. “You two should have fun.” RTK: I HATE THESE MORONS WITH EVERY FIBER OF MY BEING!
She looks at Haida. Haida wants to shoot himself in the face. RTK: DO IT, YOU WHINY PIECE OF SHIT! END IT! GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY LIFE! I HATE YOU!
“Oh no, we can miss a week,” Retsuko frets, circling around Fenneko with a tissue box, practically throwing them at her feet. “Just get well quickly so we can all go out together next time!” RTK: You act like I care!
The second week is the same, but by the third it’s the new year, and Fenneko insists, no, really, go on without me, it’s a holiday RTK: Why don’t you quit while you’re behind?
, and Haida finds himself at the izakaya clutching his Sapporo for dear life while Retsuko sits across from him getting progressively drunker. “Stop,” Retsuko gasps, “No more!” RTK: Yeah, stop the story right here, right now!
Haida nearly chokes. “You seem to enjoy it.” RTK: I don’t!
Retsuko is clutching her stomach, trying to catch her breath. “If you make me laugh any more, I’m going to be sick.” RTK: This story has yet to even mildly amuse me! Haida smiles, and he’s drunk enough that he’s stopped staring at Retsuko’s face. He can’t tell if that’s good or bad; it means his eyes are wandering everywhere else: to the delighted twitch of her ears, RTK: Because alternate universe me needs little more than a man to make her happy! the fresh polish on her claws, the way her neck is glowing red from the alcohol. Retsuko collapses on her back to the floor. She kicks him underneath the table by accident, MYU: Are you sure? Because it seems like Retsuko would be willing to do more than just kick
him! and Haida has to clamp down on the feeling that flares up inside him. “Hmm,” she says, resting an arm over her eyes. “Why did you let me drink so much, Haida?
DAR: “Because I want to get into your pants and have you be barefoot and pregnant all day, every day for the rest of your life! Now get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich, woman!
Your office life is OVER!”
We both have work tomorrow.” “I didn’t make you do anything,” Haida says, “I thought we should have some fun.” Retsuko closes her eyes and it isn’t long before Haida hears the soft sound of her snoring underneath the kotatsu, pint half-full and dead to the world. He can’t stop the feeling of warmth that envelops him, RTK: That’s because he’s actually in hell for being a creep who’s making sexual advances on someone who isn’t interested! sipping coolly at his own drink while she rests. When he’s drunk like this, the feeling is less scary, like he could embrace it if he tried. CLM: That’s right, people! Turn to drugs and alcohol for dealing with
your emotional problems!
Haida never felt the same warmth with Tategami, never sat like this in a comfortable silence while she slept. Tategami was always on, on, on, and hyper-aware of her surroundings; to relax so openly in a public space like this was beyond the realm of possibility for her. If she could see him now he wonders what she would think, his sleeves rolled up and tie half off, sprawled out drunkenly over a kotatsu in a scummy izakaya full of surly accountants and businessmen trying to drink their problems away as the clock ticks towards the new year. DAR: Yes, a bunch of people who hate their lives for no real reason essentially doing drugs that actually lower their core temperature. How fucking
romantic.
His thoughts are interrupted when Retsuko bolts upright at midnight, wailing, “Oh no! I fell asleep! That’s so embarrassing --” RTK: *Incoherent screams of anger* over the shouts and hollering of the bar patrons. It takes twenty minutes to calm her down, and then ten more when she starts another round of apologies for forgetting to wish him a happy new year. RTK: MAY RAVENOUS EXTRADIMENSIONAL HORRORS RIP YOUR GUTS OUT AND EAT THEM IN FRONT OF YOU!!!!!!!
He walks her to the train station even though it’s in the opposite direction of his apartment. There’s snow, now, falling gently to the sidewalk and dusting it with the soft signs of winter. Soon, it will melt into slush and become an ugly nuisance, but for now it is beautiful. The warmth Haida had felt before is still embracing him as he walks home, and Haida thinks that soon it will become a nuisance, too, but for now it burns with the flame of possibility, and Haida thinks: maybe. RTK: So… disgustingly… saccharine!
January creeps into Tokyo like a stray dog, wary and unsure. WAV: I’m unsure if this author has any sort of brain! There’s still the cold snap of wind through the entry doors as Haida taps the snow from his boots, but it’s a softer kind of cold. He’s hungover, and late, which means he’s about to get his ear chewed by MYU: Ravenous flesh-
eating parasites
Tsubone, or worse, the extra accounts she’s been pawning off on Retsuko all winter are going to make their way to his desk. The fact that they make their way to his desk anyway doesn’t really escape him. RTK: I AM NOT LAZY!
It’s a slow morning in the accounting department, which means that it’s pretty much open season on Haida the moment he walks in the door. RTK: *bringing in a life-sized, near- indestructible (save for Retsuko’s rage explosions) statue of Heinrich/Haida with the words “DISGUSTING EMO CREEP” on the base* You heard them! Shoot̶ or whatever it is you do̶ to kill, people! SMS: *shoots a Beam Burst at the statue* VBR: *Smashes a guitar over the statue’s head* WAV: *Strikes the statue several times with her wrench* DAR: *knees the statue in the groin* LAN:*Spin kicks the statue with his rollerblades* MYU: *Fires a barrage of lasers at the statue* CLM: *Has his Magnezone use Zap Cannon on the statue* CAL: *Smashes the statue up with a Dynamo Roller* MRE: *Blasts the statue with an E-Liter Scope* PRL: *Splashes the statue with a Sloshing Machine* MRN: *Blasts the statue with a Mini Splatling* MGX:*Is now occupying a Copy Bot and using that to attack the statue with all kinds of battlechips* EGT: *Roundhouse kicks the statue* ME:*Beats up the statue with admittedly ineffectual punches and kicks* RTK: OKAY, HERE WE GO! *Charges up a massive rage explosion which completely obliterates the statue* That felt SO good!
“Haida,” Fenneko calls as he sets down in front of his computer, “
WAV: “Snoo PINGAS usual,”
Late again I see. You and Retsuko were out late?” She’s giving him a considering look, which he finds unsettling. Even more unsettling is the way that Kabae and Tsunoda are trying to pretend that they aren’t listening in, which they most definitely are. RTK: LIKE I CARE!
Tsunoda clears her throat. Haida looks up to see Retsuko standing over him, RTK: holding a minigun and ready to decimate his ass!
calm and bright for the way her head must be pounding, holding a stack of receipts that look like they’re more coffee stains than numbers. She’s obviously in a good mood, RTK: WHY THE HELL WOULD I BE IN A GOOD MOOD AROUND HIM?!
which amplifies Haida’s sour one tenfold and makes him feel like a slug. RTK: Let’s pour salt on him! Haida’s brain freezes for a moment, and he feels like he should say something like, “Good morning, Retsuko,” except the only thing that comes out of his mouth is, “Um, hi.” RTK: Fuck you, you creep! I’m asexual!
Fenneko is practically in paroxysms RTK: Your big words can’t mask the fact that you SUCK ASS, AUTHOR!!!! of delight, her grin so wide that Haida can see her fangs out of the corner of his eyes. “You’re looking well this morning,” Retsuko says. RTK: “Better take care of that!”
If it weren’t for her kind nature RTK: I WILL NEVER BE KIND TOWARDS HEINRICH! he would be certain she was mocking him. “He hasn’t died of scurvy from all the takoyaki,”
VBR: � He’s Haida the businessman (ugh...)/ Sees life as a garbage can (grow up!)/ Addicted to drinking/ His paycheck is shrinking/ Why hasn’t this guy been canned?! (get lost!)
He doesn’t like working/ He only likes jerking/ Off to his coworkers—yuck! He makes up excuses/ So he can drink boozes/ Seriously, what the fuck?!
He thinks Retsuko should just stay at home/ And not make her own salary/ He’s awful on Netflix/ And worse in the fanfics/ Obliterate him for me!
He’s Haida the businessman (gah...) The laziest in the land (oh god...) Sees jobs as oppressive/ Compulsive-obsessive/ I can’t believe he has fans! (just WHY?!)
He eats octopuses/ Thinks women are wusses/ Too precious for office work/ He’s really annoying/ Let’s get to destroying/ This sexist, repulsive jerk!
He’s quite popular and that fact alone/ Has kept me from falling asleep/ So send me hate letters/ But he was much better/ When he was a nameless creep!
He’s Haida the businessman (DIE!)/ His existence I can’t stand (Fuck off!)/ He’s better at drinking/ Than critical thinking/ His bounty should be ten grand! (Screw you!)
Smells like porta-potties/ Perfectly embodies/ Why I hate the Netflix show/ He gave it a story/ Let’s see him all gory/ And broken from head to toe!
I can’t believe that I got this angry/ Because of a stupid cartoon/ But it was real crappy/ And now I’m unhappy/ Let’s exile him to Neptune!
He’s Haida the businessman (boo!)/ Worst employee in Japan (you suck!)/ He really ain’t funny/ So take all his money/ And send me it in a can! (we’re done!) � Fenneko says, seizing on the topic. Haida grimaces. Retsuko lets go of the stack and it lands on his desk with a small plop. “Definitely looking well!” RTK: Unfortunately. she says, and Haida would have thought that was the end of it until Fenneko’s soft “ha ha ha ha ha ha” reaches his ears. Haida knows his face is on fire, RTK: I wish it actually was!
which is not going to help his case. “So, Haida,” Fenneko says after a moment. “Is there anyone you’re interested in?” Haida buries his head in the receipts and refuses to answer. Notes: i don't know anything about accounting RTK: And you don’t know anything about me!
*Break* ME: *Offscreen* And now, it’s time for “Fandom- Relevant Song Spoofs with Vibri,” the part of the MST (well, this one, at least) where Vibri comes out and sings a fandom- relevant song spoof. Today, Vibri’s singing “I Didn’t Want Romance,” a spoof of Lady Gaga’s “Bad Romance.”
VBR: No-no-no-no-no~ I didn’t want romance! No-no-no-no-no~ Listen to my demands!
No, no, uh-uh-uh, Oh no, oh my god, Netflix, what the fuck?! I don’t want romance!
No, no, uh-uh-uh, Oh no, oh my god, Netflix, what the fuck?! I don’t want romance!
The fuck did you do To my Retsuko? You guys completely missed the point of the show! No place for love! No, no, no, no place for love!
The series’ message Flew over your head! It said tomorrow could be better; instead, You got it wrong! Wrong, wrong, wrong, you got it wrong! (Wrong, wrong, wrong, you got it wrong!)
You know that I hate you, So I’m gonna berate you, But ashita mo ganbaressa!
I want the show cancelled because it ain’t like The original 100 shorts! (Don’t want her in lo~ove!) This adaptation is comparable to The A2600 Pac-Man port!
No-no-no-no-no~ I didn’t want romance No-no-no-no-no~ Do you guys understand?!
No, no, uh-uh-uh, Oh no, oh my god, Netflix, what the fuck?! I don’t want romance! The merchandising Has been undermined! What made the higher-ups think this crap was fine?! You fucked it up! Oh my god, you fucked it up!
You took a series And shot it to hell Because you morons thought a romance would sell! I want it gone! Gone, gone, gone, I want it gone! (Gone, gone, gone, I want it gone!)
You know that I hate you, So I’m gonna berate you, RTK: (I like my job!) VBR: But ashita mo ganbaressa!
I want the show cancelled because it ain’t like The original 100 shorts! (She’s asexua~al!) This adaptation is comparable to The A2600 Pac-Man port!
No-no-no-no-no~ I didn’t want romance! No-no-no-no-no~ Please listen to your fans! No, no, uh-uh-uh, Oh no, oh my god, Netflix, what the fuck?! I don’t want romance!
No, no, uh-uh-uh, Oh no, oh my god, Netflix, what the fuck?! I don’t want romance!
Meet, fuck, wave o’ babies, Netflix series drove me crazy
Meet, fuck, wave o’ babies, Netflix series drove me crazy
Meet, fuck, wave o’ babies, Netflix series drove me crazy
Stop! Stop! No more babies! Retsuko’s a working lady!
I don’t want love! I’m exacting revenge ‘Cause you guys don’t Get the Sanrio Friends! I don’t want love! I’m exacting revenge ‘Cause you guys don’t Get the Sanrio Friends!
No-no-no-no-no~ I’m exacting revenge! (Don’t want romance! Nobody here wants romance!) I’m exacting revenge! (Don’t want romance! Don’t want romance!) I don’t want romance!
I want the show cancelled because it ain’t like The original 100 shorts! (Netflix got it wro~ong!) This adaptation is comparable to The A2600 Pac-Man port!
No-no-no-no-no~ (I don’t want romance!) I didn’t want romance!
No, no, uh-uh-uh, Oh no, oh my god, Netflix, what the fuck?! I don’t want romance!
RTK: Ashita mo ganbaressa! ME:*Offscreen* This has been “Fandom-Relevant Song Spoofs with Vibri.”
An optimum place for most indoor plants is one with indirect sunlight. Though some plants thrive in full sun, many will burn with too much light. SMS: Hey, let’s get the Luminoth involved and see if they can take care
of this trash!
Notes: well there's an aggretsuko tag now RTK: Unfortunately.
Despite its name, hamanasu is not edible. The bulbous, red hip SMS: You should really
see a doctor about that!
has a sour taste, Resasuke knows, because he was seven the first time he tried to eat one. His mother had chastised him then: Oh, Resasuke, what am I going to do with you, SMS: *chanting with the same sort of enthusiasm as a sports fan* KILL HIM!
KILL HIM! KILL HIM! and taken his paws in hers. They take the hip and plant it, in the soft, sandy soil on the strand. Hamanasu is hardy, his mother explains. It will grow where other roses won’t. SMS: *To the tune of Beethoven’s 5th symphony* NOBODY CAAAAARES! NOBODY
CAAAARES!
If you forget it, she says, it will still thrive with or without attention. Hamanasu is not like other flowers; it will grow in the shade, in the sand, in the snow. SMS: In the depths of space! MRE: At the bottom of the sea! RTK:In a horrendous fanfic!
*** The first housewarming gift Resasuke receives when he moves to Tokyo is a ponytail palm. He doesn’t really like it. SMS: That’s okay. None of
us like this story either!
“It’s a plant,” his brother says, “to liven up the place -- look.” He sets it down. It’s in an ugly teal basin, planted beside a chunk of driftwood for decoration. “You almost never have to water it and it will still survive. It’s practically indestructible.” SMS: *Charges up her
Plasma Beam*
The even for you goes unsaid. It keeps happening like that. His brother brings him a plant every time he visits, newly shocked that Resasuke hasn’t killed its predecessors. Eventually, Resasuke thinks, it becomes some kind of game for him, piling on plants and seeing how long it will take before Resasuke breaks. MRE:Sounds boring. Where’s
the replay value?
Dieffenbachia!Try saying that three times fast. It’s poisonous, though. Don’t get a cat, and then It’s called -- hold on -- a swiss cheese plant. It’s cute, right? And then, Pepperomia! RTK: Is that some kind of pizza shop?
And then English ivy -- this one’s almost as ugly as you! RTK:At least the story acknowledges he’s as ugly as shit!
Resasuke accepts each plant with a polite bow. “Thank you, onisan, ” he says, placing it on a cupboard, a shelf, a desk, a counter. It goes like this until his apartment is full. It goes like this until his brother is gone.
***
Resasuke is trimming a particularly unruly anthurium when Manumaru VBR: *to the tune of “Mahna Mahna” Doo doooooo da-doo- doo! Manumaru! Dooo doo-doo-doo! Manumaru! Doo dooooo da-doo-doo! Da- doo-doo! Da-doo-doo! Da-doo- doo-doo-doo doo-doo-doodoo- doo! calls him. “Resasuke!” he yells into the receiver, because Manumaru has never know subtlety. “The mixer -- are you in?” RTK: I wish I could throw him in a blender…
“Mixer,” he hums noncommittally. Manumaru has been known to take his words and run with them, and the more neutral he is now the less likely he is to get roped into something he doesn’t want to -- “So you are!” Manumaru says. “No.” Resasuke sighs. “I really wouldn’t like to.” SMS: I wouldn’t like to read this fanfic either, but
guess what? I have to!
He snips at a wayward leaf. He can practically hear Manumaru’s frown. “You have to. There’s more women than men -- the numbers will be uneven if you don’t come.” Now Resasuke is frowning. “Sorry, Manumaru,” he mumbles, “I don’t want t—” RTK: I don’t want to read these fanfics, but I have to!
“So it’s settled then! You’re going.” The line goes dead with a click . Resasuke’s frown deepens, but he no longer has time for this. His plants need pruning, and he’s on a tight schedule if he wants to get any rest tonight.
***
He doesn’t get any rest. He’s done pruning around eight, but he gets sucked into SMS: A black hole that opens up over Earth,
killing everyone instantly! indoor gardening forums on his computer until one, and then again on his phone as he lays awake in bed and it’s nearly an hour before he realizes it, and then it’s another fifteen minutes before he can pull himself off and force himself to close his eyes. After that, he wakes in the middle of the night from a nightmare that all his plants have died of root rot, EGT: Grow up! This is nothing compared to the nightmare that is the Netflix adaptation!
and then the plants become his brother, clawing at his feet as the rot overtakes him, and before he knows it Resasuke’s dragging himself out of bed for work at 6am on the dot. RTK: At least he has more motivation than Heinrich! Resasuke sprints almost directly from his bed to the station, brushing his teeth with one paw while he pulls on his work shoes with the other, nearly misses the train, forgets to get off the train , and by 9am the only thing keeping him awake is Manumaru’s shouting threatening to burst his eardrums and enough canned coffee to take down an adult bull rhino. He would know, because Naoki from inside sales is giving him increasingly concerned looks from over his horn. SMS: *Laughter that sounds more like a
question*
He manages, somehow, to drift deep enough into sleep over his desk that he has a very brief, vivid dream in which he’s being cradled by one of his spider plants SMS: You little phytophiliac
creep…
while it talks him through updates from the marketing department. Manumaru starts bellowing on the phone about pacing and revenue forecasts, and Resasuke jerks awake again. EGT: You’re acting like I care. When lunch time finally arrives, Resasuke is just lucid enough to register one of the girls from accounting haranguing him for cleaner receipts before he starts drifting off. ***
Tuberous begonias are popular EGT:With complete losers
for their jewel-like flowers which come in a variety of forms. Red, orange, yellow, white, pink -- they may be plain, ruffled or toothed; their petals may have crests and blotches of contrasting color. Perhaps the greatest attribute of tuberous begonias is that they bloom in the shade. It is a good idea to set your begonia houseplants on a shallow tray filled with pebbles and water. This will allow your plants to get the humidity they need indoors. Begonias grown indoors are especially susceptible to root rot. Make sure that you only water them when they need to be watered. RTK: I FUCKING HATE HOUSEPLANTS!!!!!!
***
“This little dude’s Resasuke,” Manumaru says. “We brought him because we needed a third, but he’s kind of a potted plant.”
***
To: Retsuko Did you make it to bed okay? RTK: “If you did, then I’m gonna be pissed!”
From: Retsuko Thkna you RTK: “Thkna” means “I’m going to brutally dismember.” im f ine
From: Manumaru Where did you go?
To: Manumaru Took Retsuko home.
From: Manumaru You took her home?
From: Manumaru Dude!
***
It ends up taking a few days before Resasuke asks her on a date. He’d spaced out and overwatered his favorite columnea, and had spent the intervening hours between work, frantically researching how to stave off spider mites invading his African violets, RTK: I think I’ll do some research on how to get aliens to invade Earth and destroy everything!
sleeping, and the nightmares that come with that. Between all of it and the end-of-quarter push, he forgets all about the singles mixer until Manumaru corners him at his desk. “You should ask her,” he repeats, for the fifteenth time that morning. Resasuke doesn’t want to ask her, is the thing. RTK: Yeah, and I don’t want him to ask me!
He wants to go home and check his begonias. He sips his coffee in response, not looking up from his screen, and Manumaru throws his paws in the air in exasperation. Resasuke taps a lead’s contact information into the CRM, and thinks about how he wants more coffee and a full night’s sleep. All told, it’s Thursday morning before Resasuke is jostling his way to Retsuko from across the train. He asks her to Tokyo Disney, RTK: “But she refuses and melts his flesh off!”
because they both have passes, RTK: Since when?!
and after Manumaru berates him for an hour he decides they should meet up in the morning at the station midway between them and ride together to the park. Resasuke isn’t sure why; they see each other on the train every morning, but when he says this it sets Manumaru into a tizzy and Resauke can only handle being yelled at so much before he just shuts up and agrees. “I really don’t want a girlfriend,” he tries, RTK:Yeah, and I don’t want a boyfriend! SO WHY DO PEOPLE THINK I DO?! when Manumaru stops to take a breath. Manumaru looks at him like he’s grown a second head. “Of course you do. Even you can’t spend your life alone.” Resasuke wants to protest RTK: *Holds up several picket signs: “DEATH TO NETFLIX!”, “BRING THE SHORTS BACK”, “I’M NOT IN LOVE”, etc.* I do too! that it isn’t about that, but then Manumaru is traipsing off to a strategy meeting without letting him get another word in edgewise.
***
Their first date is a disaster. RTK: Mainly because I AM NOT INTERESTED IN ANYTHING MORE INTIMATE THAN FRIENDSHIP!
Retsuko is sweet, RTK: Yes, because women MUST be stereotypically feminine! My love for heavy metal and my desire to have a paying job is COMPLETELY inappropriate as a woman! but she’s loud, and every time he tries to talk to her she seems to be shaking so hard with excitement that she blocks out what he’s saying. He admittedly isn’t listening as closely as he could, fascinated with the park’s ability to keep guppy plants alive, even in the cold of Japanese winters. “Here we are -- doing couple things! As a couple,” RTK: “WHEN WILL THE MADNESS END?!”
Retsuko smiles. RTK: I have been driven insane by the societal stigma of a woman being anything more than a sessile, pseudo-sentient womb and my only utterances are now maniacal laughter!
Resasuke nods, because it’s the third time she’s said as much, and he truthfully doesn’t know how to respond. Her energy rattles him to the bone, draws him out of his comfort zone and corners him. He reminds her a little of his brother, RTK: Because his brother hates him too! and that isn’t something he necessarily likes. It traps a feeling in his gut he’s long since pushed down, a forgotten memory of an emotion that still grips him at night when he’s asleep. Retsuko stops at a bench to adjust her shoes. RTK: I’ve actually hidden a blade in them and now I’m gonna use it.
Resasuke, in a fit of anxiety, calls Manumaru. “Good job, Romeo!” ME:*I slam my head against the wall* LAN:What’s wrong? ME:I HATE when people compare couples to Romeo and Juliet– Don’t people know that they both DIE at the end of the play?!
Manumaru calls down the line. Resasuke doesn’t feel like he’s doing a good job. He’s followed Manumaru’s instructions to the letter, but it feels like he’s missing something. Resasuke’s attention is diverted by a beautiful ixora in bloom. The flame of the woods ,
MRE: I think Retsuko’s about ready to set something on fire after reading this, woods or not! he thinks, then realizes that Retsuko is talking to him.
“Oh no,” he says softly. “I’m not tired.” She asks when she’ll see him again, RTK: Because I now know his weakness and can now kill him more effectively!
and before he can answer she tells him, so he agrees. He comes home one evening to find that the spider mites have spread, and spends until three o’clock in the morning applying neem oil to the surviving stems. When he wakes, it’s to Retsuko texting him: RTK: “I hate your guts, you little turd! I refuse to go out with you or anyone ever again!”
let’s get breakfast! When she breaks up with him, it’s a relief. RTK: Of course, it’s not like I had any interest in dating, sex, or marriage to begin with.
***
The flowering maple is a tender, evergreen perennial often used as a houseplant. Sometimes collectively referred to as abutilon, they bloom generally solitary, pendent flowers.
***
It takes four full days before Manumaru broaches the subject. “Resasuke,” he says, “Let’s get drunk.” “I don’t want to.” Resasuke replies. Manumaru is unimpressed. “Too bad. You got dumped, we’re going out.” MRE: “You don’t move until I say so and you don’t fire until
I say so.”
So they make their way to the izakaya behind the office building. It’s mid-spring, and Resasuke is thinking about the devil’s backbone RTK: Because he, like Heinrich, is burning in the flames of Mugenjigoku as we speak! flowering on his nightstand when Manumaru sets their drinks down: a pint for himself, and a canned coffee. Manumaru is grumbling they don’t even serve these, I had to go to the konbini next door, when he realizes he doesn’t have Resasuke’s attention. “Hey!” Manumaru says, waving a paw in front of his face. “Hello, Manumaru.” Resasuke sighs. “Fancy seeing you here,” Manumaru says brightly, as though he wasn’t the one who dragged Resasuke in the first place. “Anyway, what happened? She just dumped you out of the blue? RTK: You act like I’d willingly date someone in the first place!
Didn’t you do everything I told you?” “I did,” Resasuke says. “And…?” “She dumped me,” Resasuke deadpans. PRL: You have nothing between your ears, fool? SHE’D DUMP ANYONE! SHE ISN’T THE KIND OF PERSON WHO GOES ON DATES!
Manumaru rolls his eyes. “Fine. Keep your secrets, potted plant.” Resasuke scowls. “Don’t you have things to do? Or did you just bring me here to harass me.” “Both,” Manumaru laughs. He takes a drink of his pint and slams it back to the table with a clink. “So what’re you so weird for anyway?”
*** Manumaru makes a habit of inviting him out after work. At first, it’s under the guise of the consoling friend. “Come on, Resasuke,” he says every time, “You must be drowning in heartache. Just one drink.” RTK: I’ll need several in order to get over this one!
Resasuke never drinks, but Manumaru does, getting progressively drunker while Resasuke guzzles canned coffee. Manumaru has to go to the konbini to get them between drinks, so after the third time they go out Resasuke starts bringing them himself. Manumaru does most of the talking when they go, and he oscillates wildly between content and infuriated with Resasuke’s relative silence. SMS: I actually think he
should stay silent!
“Why don’t you ever talk ,” he grumbles, once, on a crisp spring evening after work. Resasuke pauses. “I do talk,” he says. “Nobody ever listens.” SMS: Yeah, ‘cause we all
HATE you!
Manumaru seems to be considering him. “Fine,” he says. “I’ll listen. Shoot.” After a long moment, Resasuke begins.
***
From: Manumaru You ‘re still relly strang,e youkn ow?
To: Manumaru Are you home safely?
From: Manumaru But end earing. I like t he strnage
To: Manumaru Thank you.
From: Manumaru God my he ads gonn a hrt tomorrow. Good ngiht potted plant
***
On Monday, Resasuke has to be at work an hour early to meet with Director Tanaka to justify his RTK: Existence. HE WILL FAIL. atrocious expense reports, so Resasuke mercifully misses Retsuko on the train. Manumaru offers to pick Resasuke up at quarter to five, but Resasuke’s peace lilies need to be moved out of the sun, RTK: The solar zoning committee is forcibly moving them to Alpha Centauri! and his kaffir lilies are too damp, and then he forgets to respond to Manumaru’s messages about it until it’s 2am in the morning. Manumaru shows up at 5:45 exactly anyway. “Get in, you idiot,” he shouts good-naturedly from the driver’s seat. RTK: Well, he IS an idiot…
Resasuke joins him, climbing in with still-dirty fingernails from repotting a geranium that morning. “You’re getting dirt all over the seat,” Manumaru says. “How are you even this dirty?” RTK: He’s a plot important character in the Netflix adaptation, they’re ALL filthy impostors!
“Sorry,” Resasuke says. “I was repotting a plant.” When they arrive, he asks, jokingly: “Do you repot a lot of plants?” “Oh, yes. I have hundreds.” That seems to catch Manumaru’s attention. “Hundreds?” he asks. “Yes. ” Manumaru seems incredulous. “You have over one hundred plants in your apartment, is what you’re telling me?” “ Yes. ” PRL:NEEEEEEEEEEEEERD!
Resasuke says, a little too forcefully. Manumaru quiets, and doesn’t push the topic further. It’s an awkward few minutes before Manumaru adds, “That’s not bad, you know. It’s cute, even.” SMS: Ha ha ha– NO IT
FUCKING ISN’T!
Resasuke’s head whips around so fast he almost pulls something in his neck. “Cute?” he asks, and there’s something off about the way Manumaru won’t look at him. “Yeah,” Manumaru says. “Cute.”
*** Manumaru doesn’t call him cute again. Resasuke notices, because it’s all he’s listening for the next few times they go out. He chalks it up to a sudden fit of insanity on Manumaru’s part, and ignores it. SMS: “Sudden fit?” Since when were these morons
NOT insane!
He’s fertilizing his peperomia when Manumaru calls him. Peperomia’s most interesting feature are its heart-shaped, waxy leaves and flowery spikes that resemble rat tails. RTK: How facinating. I am so glued to the edge of my seat.
It was one of the first plants Resasuke’s brother had given him, and he takes extra care with it. “You up for going out?” Manumaru asks, and normally Resasuke would say no, thank you. He has dozens of plants left to fertilize that evening, but he finds himself wanting to go. He wants to spend time with Manumaru, even when it’s just them sitting in companionable silence in the izakaya, which is more often than not. Manumaru, despite his bluster, only has so many things to say, and Resasuke rarely feels the need to contribute. “I’ll go,” he says, getting up from the tatami. He gathers his jacket and keys, turns to his plants as he steps out the door and says: “Goodbye.”
***
It happens slowly. A burst pipe, a tiny leak. The apartment above Resasuke’s floods slowly, but surely, one inch of water, then two. The water seeps through Resasuke’s roof and drip, drip, drips onto the floor below, until everything is submerged. PRL: The cephalopods then venture out onto land and evolve to rule the earth!
The humidity skyrockets. The hardiest of his plants wilt. Those that aren’t submerged are soon engulfed by the veritable deluge. Everything dies.
RTK: THIS STORY IS HAPPY END
*** Carnations are a popular choice for sympathy arrangements, especially since they have a long-lasting fragrance. Each color evokes or symbolizes an emotion. For instance, red carnations evoke admiration for a loved one that has passed. Pink carnations stand for remembrance of the deceased. White carnations symbolize untainted love and innocence. LAN:*Yawns*
***
When Resasuke is getting ready to leave the office the next day, he taps Manumaru on the shoulder and says, “Let’s get drunk.” A suspicious look casts over Manumaru’s face, but he is happy to oblige him. He hasn’t had a drink in years and it shows. He can feel himself slowing down, everything becoming blurry around the edges. “I just,” Resasuke slurs, leaning on Manumaru’s shoulder. He shouldn’t be touching him, but he is. “ Really like plants.” RTK: If you love them so much, why don’t you marry them?
“Is that so?” Manumaru asks. He’s not moving away. “Yeah, it is so!” he declares, more than a little belligerent. “My brother gave them to me. You know?” Manumaru pauses. “No,” he says, “I don’t. Maybe we should get you
SMS: Mental help.
home.” Resasuke doesn’t want to go home. He says as much: “I don’t want to go home. Let’s go to your home, instead,” and then a funny thing happens. Manumaru flushes LAN:Ah, good old toilet humor! You’re right, something funny DID happen!
. Resasuke’s drunk enough that he almost misses it, but it’s there -- the subtle coloring around his neck and chest. MGX: Truly a work of art…
He doesn’t have enough time to think on it because then Manumaru says, “I don’t think that’s a good idea,” collecting his jacket and downing the last of his drink. “Come on, I’ll walk you to the station.”
*** His reaction is surprisingly tempered. MGX:I think we’re all about to lose our tempers if this story doesn’t end soon! Once the flooding has been drained, Resasuke gathers the plants one by one and spends a few moments with both, granting them each their own private obsequies. In his nightmares, he’d imagined his plants dying a myriad of ways; LAN: *Has pulled out a GBA and is playing on it.*
he’d pored over all of the possible ways it could happen. He thought, strangely, that he was prepared. It takes days. Even with the water gone, the clean-up takes professional work, and everything he owns is soaked through and covered in muddy potting soil. The process is arduous, and even when he thinks everything is cleaned up he still manages to find pieces of his plants scattered everywhere: underneath a door, behind a cupboard, stuck to his shoe. LAN:Cool, a bubblegum plant!
Once, absurdly, he finds a new sprout budding from a stray clump of potting soil. He replants it in one of his smaller pots, not sure what it is. SMS: It’s a hybrid between Spore Spawn, Nettori,
Flaahgra, and Zazabi.
It strikes him -- the lack of knowledge, and the complete lack of control over what it is or how it will grow. It makes him uneasy. But Resasuke keeps it anyway, this small reminder of everything he’s lost. ***
During their next outing, Manumaru gets spectacularly drunk, so Resasuke drops by Manumaru’s desk before work the next morning. He has a brown paper bag with a newly potted Rohdea Japonica , as well as a bottle of Os-1, and instructions on how to drink it to cure a hangover, printed out from Google (with pictures). On the outside of the bag he’s written: All is well. RTK: No it isn’t.
“Okay,” Rinta says slowly, as Resasuke sets it down, “what’s going on with you and Manumaru?” “Nothing,” Resasuke replies, and for the most part, it’s true.
*** The Rhodea Japonica flowers throughout the year in tropical climates, with bright red fruits. When the Rhodea Japonica is given to mark a special occasion, it conveys the wish of permanence, such as in relationships or life. RTK: *at maximum anger* I’M GONNA MAKE SURE YOUR LIFE IS ANYTHING BUT PERMANENT, AUTHOR! BISMUTH! GET ME MY IMPOSTOR, HER IDIOT FRIENDS, AND THE AUTHOR OF THIS TRASH! ME: I can actually do more than that! *I take a cylindrical device out of my pocket* Introducing the Alternate Dimension Obliterator Nine QuAdrIllion, or ADONAI for short! It’s a bomb that’s capable of destroying an entire universe and everything inside it! *I laugh maniacally as I walk over to the portal console to summon AstralSilk, Netsuko, Haida, Fenneko, and Resasuke. When they show up in the portal, Retsuko, Samus, Eaglette, and Daria show up to take their anger out on these sub- people.* FNK: Wait, where am I? DAR: *picks her up* Hi. I’m Daria. WELCOME TO HELL. *She holds Fenneko’s arms and legs outstretched before kneeing her in the stomach, pulverizing her fragile internal systems* HDA: Shit, these people mean business! SMS: *Hits him with a Melee Counter, knocking the Aeion out of him* Damn straight we do, LECH King! ICE knowing you! *Blasts him with a charged Ice Beam, then blasts him with a Super Missile, reducing him to icy shrapnel.* RSK: *Tries to run* EGT: Oh no you don’t! *Dropkicks him against the wall, then grinds him into paste with her foot* NTK: *Heavily pregnant to the point where she looks like something out of a survival horror game* Haida! My only reason for living! NOOOOOOOOOOO! RTK: *in rage mode* THAT’S RIGHT, YOU COLOSSAL SPINELESS BITCH! JIGOKU E IKE! *Blows Netsuko up with a rage explosion, then turns to AstralSilk* AND AS FOR YOU, ASSHOLESUCK, *She goes into a frenzy of fiery punches and kicks* ASK: *In between screams of pain* What did I do?! RTK: I HAD TO READ TWO OF THE WORST STORIES I’VE EVER READ IN MY FUCKING LIFE! PREPARE TO DIE! *She blows him up with an even bigger explosion* BISMUTH! THROW THE BOMB! ME:You got it! *I throw the ADONAI into the portal, and then a screen to the right of the portal shows a live video of the Netflix AR universe exploding.* LPF: *The screen turns on, and he’s now visibly shaken* Okay! I’ll let you go home! RTK: Finally! Steady paycheck that won’t drive me insane, here I come! *She, along with Eaglette, Marina, and Pearl, steps into the portal* If you need me, just beam me up here! *pause* Just not for a while, though. ALL: Bye! See you again! ME:*Activates the portal, and in a flash, they’re gone.
CREDITS: TFTSZ is owned by Bismuth83/84 Mystery Science Theater 3000 is owned by KTMA and Best Brains Metroid, Splatoon, and Star Fox are owned by Nintendo Sonic is owned by Sega and Sonic Team Daria is owned by MTV Vib-Ribbon is owned by NaNaOn-Sha Mega Man is owned by Capcom Pokémon is owned by Nintendo, Game Freak, and TPCi. Aggressive Retsuko is owned by Sanrio and TBS
KEEP CIRCULATING THE PDFS SPECIAL MUSICAL STINGER: VIBRI SINGS AN ALTERNATE VERSION OF “I DIDN’T WANT ROMANCE” VBR: No-no-no-no-no~no-no-no! I didn’t want romance! Netflix has to go~o-o-o! Venting through song and dance!
Oh no, uh-uh-uh! What the, what the fuck? No way, oh my god! I hate you, Netflix!
What they did was wrong, So I’ll sing a song By Lady Gaga With different lyrics!
The Netflix series Is so damn clichE! They made me quit the new MST3K! They made me mad! Mad mad mad, they made me mad! (Ugh!)
I don’t want shipping, Don’t want her to quit! If you don’t cancel this, I’ll go into fits! Yeah, it’s that bad! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah it’s that bad! (Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah it’s that bad!)
I don’t wanna watch it ‘Cause I know that they botched it By putting in a bad romance!
I don’t think Retsuko should have a boyfriend, And I think that she should stay at work! (Make it on her ow~n, own, own, own!) She doesn’t want a man on which to depend, And if you change that, you’ll make it worse!
That’s not Retsuko~o-o-o! I didn’t want romance! Oh god no~o-o-o! Don’t put her in some dude’s pants!
A-a-anata Wa wa kirai da! Kimi ga baka! I hate you, Netflix! I’m disappointed With your adaption! It reads like trashy romantic fanfiction! I hate Haida! Oh my god, I hate Haida!
NTK: HAIDA’S COCK IS LIFE... VBR: SHUT UP I AM SINGING TO THE TUNE OF A LADY GAGA SONG!
I hate his psyche, his vertical stick— You guys made Retsuko obsessed with his dick! Anata wa Totemo uzai da! (That means you’re annoying, brah!)
She wants to be employed— She’s just easily annoyed— RTK: (It’s my dream job!) VBR: No logic backs this bad romance!
It is a woman’s right to be something more than a man’s personal sex machine! (Won’t just stay at ho~o-o- ome!) Are you guys saying that it’s wrong for a girl To pursue the career of her dreams?!
Don’t touch Sanrio~o-o-o! I didn’t want romance! Leave her job alo~o-o-one! You’re pissing off old fans!
Burn you with plasma! Freeze you on Sedna! Zap you like Tesla! I’m sCIENTIFIC!
La, la, na na na! Za za, wa wa wa, Va, va, cha cha cha, I need more lyrics!
This is bad fanfiction Netflix has a love addiction!
This is bad fanfiction Netflix has a love addiction!
This is bad fanfiction Netflix has a love addiction! This is bad fanfiction Getting the shorts back’s my mission!
I don’t want love! Gonna get my revenge! Retsuko does ‘Nt want to be more than friends! Anata wa Tachido~maru Or else I’ll have To obliterate you! I really like the shorts! I wanna see some new shorts! Don’t put in romance! We don’t want romance!
I think that I should start making my own shorts So that people will abandon you! (Gonna make my ow~own-own- own!) Sure, it’s just fanfics, I might have to abort, but what else am I supposed to do?
Gonna make some sho~orts- orts-orts! (This is an awesome plan!) This time without romance! (I’ll do it ‘cause I can!) Happy to repo~ort-ort-ort (It’ll be epic, man!) I’ll do a happy dance (This is like Leather Pants!) This is like Leather Pants!
Draw, draw, draw draw draw, Voices, blah blah blah, Music, ska-cha-cha, And zero romance! RTK: Ashita mo ganbaressa!