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WO3 Episode 1 Wooden Overcoats 3.1 – The Loneliness of the Short-Tempered Rudyard © David K. Barnes 2017 WOODEN OVERCOATS EPISODE 3.1 – THE LONELINESS OF THE SHORT-TEMPERED RUDYARD By David K. Barnes RECORDING SCRIPT Rudyard Funn ~ FELIX TRENCH Antigone Funn ~ BETH EYRE Eric Chapman ~ TOM CROWLEY Georgie Crusoe ~ CIARA BAXENDALE Madeleine ~ BELINDA LANG Lady Vivienne Templar ~ CATRIONA KNOX Petunia Bloom ~ SARAH THOM Sid Marlowe ~ PAUL PUTNER Tanya / Waitress / Mouse ~ HOLLY CAMPBELL Angry Man ~ PIP GLADWIN Disclaimer: All rights including but not limited to performance, production, and publication are reserved. www.woodenovercoats.com Wooden Overcoats 3.1 – The Loneliness of the Short-Tempered Rudyard © David K. Barnes 2017 PRE-TITLES. TYPEWRITER KEYS. MADELEINE: O… K! TYPEWRITER PING. Stop me if you’ve heard this before. STORMY WEATHER Hidden in the English Channel is an island called Piffling. On the island is a village called Piffling Vale. And on the village square is a funeral home, and opposite that is another funeral home. And that’s really the problem in a nutshell. Because Eric Chapman is everyone’s favourite. He puts the fun in funerals. He helps them all enjoy themselves. And he’s a bit of a charmer to boot. Whereas the brother and sister across the square are nobody’s favourite people. Nobody likes their funerals. By now they’ve got quite used to it. But that doesn’t mean that they have to like it… ROLL OF THUNDER, THEME TUNE. ANNOUNCER: Wooden Overcoats by David K. Barnes. Season Three, Episode One: The Loneliness of the Short-Tempered Rudyard. 1 Wooden Overcoats 3.1 – The Loneliness of the Short-Tempered Rudyard © David K. Barnes 2017 SCENE 1. MADELEINE’S MOUSE HOLE. MADELEINE: I’m a writer by trade. The first mouse to pen a Sunday Times Best Seller. Not once, but twice! But today I’d paced up and down the length of the skirting board and still I’d come up with nothing. APPROPRIATE SFX FOR BELOW: So I decided to take a stroll outside. I scampered across the floor of Funn Funerals, slipped under the door, and made my way to the middle of the square. VILLAGE SQUARE. IDYLLIC. The sun would be setting shortly. Rudyard would be coming home from a funeral. I’d listen out for what had happened. Humans can be good value. So I settled back against a tree, and waited, and relaxed. MOUSE: (RELAXED SIGH) MADELEINE: The end of another ordinary day in Piffling Vale… IDYLLIC SOUNDSCAPE. BUT WE HEAR DISTANTLY THE SOUND OF RUNNING. RUDYARD: (OFF) (PANTING) RUDYARD GETS CLOSER, AND CLOSER, AND THEN STOPS NEXT TO THE TREE. 2 Wooden Overcoats 3.1 – The Loneliness of the Short-Tempered Rudyard © David K. Barnes 2017 RUDYARD: (PANTING, GETTING BREATH BACK) MOUSE: (SQUEAK) RUDYARD: No, Madeleine. I have not had the best funeral. GEORGIE: (OFF) Sir! RUDYARD: Georgie? GEORGIE: (OFF) In the alley! Quick! RUDYARD: But… WE DISTANTLY HEAR AN ANGRY MOB. CROWD: (ANGRY MURMUING) ANGRY MAN: (OFF) There he is! CROWD: (ANGRY SHOUTING) RUDYARD: (YELP) RUDYARD RUNS ON BY. THE ANGRY MOB GET CLOSER AND CLOSER AND RUN ON BY IN A GREAT SURGE. MADELEINE: (V.O.) I was getting too old for this. 3 Wooden Overcoats 3.1 – The Loneliness of the Short-Tempered Rudyard © David K. Barnes 2017 SCENE 2. AN ALLEYWAY. GEORGIE: (CALL) Sir, come on! Get those legs spinning! RUDYARD: (STUMBLES UP TO HER, PANTING) GEORGIE: You OK? RUDYARD: (HORRIBLE COUGHING) GEORGIE: Great. Now, we haven’t got time. Here’s a dustbin: I suggest you get comfy. RUDYARD: I am not hiding in that! CROWD: (ANGRY MOB APPROACHING) ANGRY MAN: (OFF) He’ll be around here somewhere! TANYA: (OFF) Tear out his tonsils! RUDYARD: OK, get the lid off, get the lid off! LID TAKEN OFF. RUDYARD GETS INSIDE. Urghh! GEORGIE: Sir: shut it. BRINGS LID DOWN. RUDYARD: (IN BIN) Ow! 4 Wooden Overcoats 3.1 – The Loneliness of the Short-Tempered Rudyard © David K. Barnes 2017 GEORGIE: Hey fellas! (WHISTLES) He went that way! ANGRY MAN: Thanks Georgie! ANGRY MOB: (RUSH ON BY) MOB HAS GONE. LID RAISED AS RUDYARD PEERS OUT OF THE BIN. RUDYARD: You know... People can be so difficult- GEORGIE: Oh wait, they’re coming back. RUDYARD: (YELP) DROPS DOWN INTO THE BIN, LID CLATTER. THE MOB HAVEN’T COME BACK. GEORGIE: “Georgie, would you like to go and have some strawberries?” Yeah, I would thanks. (EXITS, WHISTLING) WE PAN UP INTO THE AIR… 5 Wooden Overcoats 3.1 – The Loneliness of the Short-Tempered Rudyard © David K. Barnes 2017 SCENE 3. A HOT AIR BALLOON ABOVE PIFFLING. MADELEINE: (V.O.) Whilst Rudyard hid in a rubbish bin and considered how life had brought him there, floating high in the skies above him was a large hot air balloon. Within its basket stood two people without a care in the world between them: the infamous Lady Vivienne Templar, and Rudyard’s funereal foe, Eric Chapman. TEMPLAR: This was such a wonderful idea, Chappers… Just to get away from it all, for an hour or two. ERIC: (RELAXED) I know… Just look at that sky. TEMPLAR: And the birds. ERIC: And the clouds. TEMPLAR: And the setting sun… ERIC: Another day. TEMPLAR: Another night… ERIC: (BEAT) Aubergine? TEMPLAR: Thank you. (BITES INTO IT, CHEWS) You know… (SWALLOWS) It feels like simply ages since we’ve been truly alone together… Don’t you think? ERIC: Simply ages. 6 Wooden Overcoats 3.1 – The Loneliness of the Short-Tempered Rudyard © David K. Barnes 2017 TEMPLAR: All those council meetings... ERIC: All those funerals… TEMPLAR: And never any time for us… And there should be time for us, Eric, there should be time. Had we but world enough, and time, this coyness – and the rest of it… ERIC: Moving. PULLS CHAMPAGNE FROM ICE BUCKET. TEMPLAR: More champers, Chappers? ERIC: I shouldn’t – it goes straight to my head. TEMPLAR: I say… does it really? CHAMPAGNE CORK POPS, FIZZES. ERIC / TEMPLAR: (REACT, LAUGH, ETC.) TEMPLAR POURS TWO GLASSES. TEMPLAR: The most popular person on Piffling. The best man for a mile around. How do you do it, Chappers? ERIC: (MIDDLE DISTANCE) I just do what I can. TEMPLAR: You give me shivers when you stare into nothing like that. ERIC: … To friends. TEMPLAR: And, perchance, to more than friends. 7 Wooden Overcoats 3.1 – The Loneliness of the Short-Tempered Rudyard © David K. Barnes 2017 GLASSES CHINK. THEY DRINK. ERIC: (FINISHES DRINKING) Ahhh. TEMPLAR: Mmm… … … Eric? ERIC: Mmhmm? TEMPLAR: … Can you do me a funeral on the house? ERIC: (BEAT) Sorry? TEMPLAR: A funeral. Could I get it, you know. For nothing. Gratis. ERIC: Oh. Um… Why? TEMPLAR: My aunt’s died. Don’t ask me which one, it’s so hard to keep count. But they all asked if I knew you, and I do, so I’m asking, because they’re very excited. Do you see? ERIC: I see. TEMPLAR: So. How about it? Quick funeral. No charge. Just between ourselves. (BEAT) It’d get you exposure? ERIC: Er, well. Um. I’d rather not. TEMPLAR: (BEAT) What? ERIC: I mean, it wouldn’t be fair, would it? To my other clients. TEMPLAR: No, but then… they don’t have… what we have. Do they? 8 Wooden Overcoats 3.1 – The Loneliness of the Short-Tempered Rudyard © David K. Barnes 2017 ERIC: Er… No, I suppose not – but – er… It’s just… I can’t. Sorry. It wouldn’t be right. You do understand, don’t you? TEMPLAR: (BEAT) Oh yes. (PAUSE) I understand. (PAUSE) Yes, I understand you. Perfectly. Don’t you worry. (PAUSE) I get it, you see, I understand. You don’t need to repeat it. There we are. Say no more. That’s it. (PAUSE) I’ve got your number. Loud and clear, enough said, no more to be done. There’s no answer to that, and that’s all there is to it. Blood under the bridge – d’you want jam on that? – would that I could: Fin. (PAUSE) I wish you’d stop talking about it. ERIC: (PAUSE) Good, well, um, shall I pour you some more champagne? TEMPLAR: What about the Mayor? ERIC: What about the Mayor? TEMPLAR: You told him you’d do his funeral for nothing, didn’t you? ERIC: How’d you know that? TEMPLAR: Because he’s always telling us how much he’s looking forward to it. ERIC: Well, I was new, I was settling in, and he is the Mayor- TEMPLAR: Oh so I’m not important enough for you? ERIC: That’s not it! TEMPLAR: I can’t offer you more than you’ve already got? 9 Wooden Overcoats 3.1 – The Loneliness of the Short-Tempered Rudyard © David K. Barnes 2017 ERIC: Perhaps if you joined the Chapman’s Members Club? TEMPLAR: I should say I’m a pretty regular member of the Chapman’s Members Club wouldn’t you- ERIC: Shhh, shh, blimey – look. We can do you the funeral, but I couldn’t give you any preferential treatment- TEMPLAR: (SARCASTIC) No no. You’re popular, you’re powerful. Whatever could I do for you? ERIC: Vivienne- TEMPLAR: Perhaps I should take my business elsewhere? After all, you’re not the only funeral home on the island, are you? ERIC: … You… you surely can’t mean- TEMPLAR: I surely can. In fact, that’s really not a bad idea. I think I’ll pop along and see them this instant. ERIC: But – but – but at least let me land the- TEMPLAR: No don’t try and stop me. Hand me that parachute.
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