WO3 Episode 1

Wooden Overcoats 3.1 – The Loneliness of the Short-Tempered Rudyard © David K. Barnes 2017

WOODEN OVERCOATS EPISODE 3.1 – THE LONELINESS OF THE SHORT-TEMPERED RUDYARD By David K. Barnes

RECORDING SCRIPT

Rudyard Funn ~ FELIX TRENCH Antigone Funn ~ BETH EYRE Eric Chapman ~ TOM CROWLEY Georgie Crusoe ~ CIARA BAXENDALE Madeleine ~ BELINDA LANG Lady Vivienne Templar ~ CATRIONA KNOX Petunia Bloom ~ SARAH THOM Sid Marlowe ~ PAUL PUTNER Tanya / Waitress / Mouse ~ HOLLY CAMPBELL Angry Man ~ PIP GLADWIN

Disclaimer: All rights including but not limited to performance, production, and publication are reserved. www.woodenovercoats.com

Wooden Overcoats 3.1 – The Loneliness of the Short-Tempered Rudyard © David K. Barnes 2017

PRE-TITLES.

TYPEWRITER KEYS.

MADELEINE: O… K!

TYPEWRITER PING.

Stop me if you’ve heard this before.

STORMY WEATHER

Hidden in the English Channel is an island called Piffling. On the island is a village called Piffling Vale. And on the village square is a funeral home, and opposite that is another funeral home. And that’s really the problem in a nutshell.

Because Eric Chapman is everyone’s favourite. He puts the fun in funerals. He helps them all enjoy themselves. And he’s a bit of a charmer to boot.

Whereas the brother and sister across the square are nobody’s favourite people. Nobody likes their funerals. By now they’ve got quite used to it.

But that doesn’t mean that they have to like it…

ROLL OF THUNDER, THEME TUNE.

ANNOUNCER: Wooden Overcoats by David K. Barnes. Season Three, Episode One: The Loneliness of the Short-Tempered Rudyard.

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SCENE 1.

MADELEINE’S MOUSE HOLE.

MADELEINE: I’m a writer by trade. The first mouse to pen a Sunday Times Best Seller. Not once, but twice! But today I’d paced up and down the length of the skirting board and still I’d come up with nothing.

APPROPRIATE SFX FOR BELOW:

So I decided to take a stroll outside. I scampered across the floor of Funn Funerals, slipped under the door, and made my way to the middle of the square.

VILLAGE SQUARE. IDYLLIC.

The sun would be setting shortly. Rudyard would be coming home from a funeral. I’d listen out for what had happened. Humans can be good value.

So I settled back against a tree, and waited, and relaxed.

MOUSE: (RELAXED SIGH)

MADELEINE: The end of another ordinary day in Piffling Vale…

IDYLLIC SOUNDSCAPE. BUT WE HEAR DISTANTLY THE SOUND OF RUNNING.

RUDYARD: (OFF) (PANTING)

RUDYARD GETS CLOSER, AND CLOSER, AND THEN STOPS NEXT TO THE TREE.

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RUDYARD: (PANTING, GETTING BREATH BACK)

MOUSE: (SQUEAK)

RUDYARD: No, Madeleine. I have not had the best funeral.

GEORGIE: (OFF) Sir!

RUDYARD: Georgie?

GEORGIE: (OFF) In the alley! Quick!

RUDYARD: But…

WE DISTANTLY HEAR AN ANGRY MOB.

CROWD: (ANGRY MURMUING)

ANGRY MAN: (OFF) There he is!

CROWD: (ANGRY SHOUTING)

RUDYARD: (YELP)

RUDYARD RUNS ON BY. THE ANGRY MOB GET CLOSER AND CLOSER AND RUN ON BY IN A GREAT SURGE.

MADELEINE: (V.O.) I was getting too old for this.

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SCENE 2.

AN ALLEYWAY.

GEORGIE: (CALL) Sir, come on! Get those legs spinning!

RUDYARD: (STUMBLES UP TO HER, PANTING)

GEORGIE: You OK?

RUDYARD: (HORRIBLE COUGHING)

GEORGIE: Great. Now, we haven’t got time. Here’s a dustbin: I suggest you get comfy.

RUDYARD: I am not hiding in that!

CROWD: (ANGRY MOB APPROACHING)

ANGRY MAN: (OFF) He’ll be around here somewhere!

TANYA: (OFF) Tear out his tonsils!

RUDYARD: OK, get the lid off, get the lid off!

LID TAKEN OFF. RUDYARD GETS INSIDE.

Urghh!

GEORGIE: Sir: shut it.

BRINGS LID DOWN.

RUDYARD: (IN BIN) Ow!

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GEORGIE: Hey fellas! (WHISTLES) He went that way!

ANGRY MAN: Thanks Georgie!

ANGRY MOB: (RUSH ON BY)

MOB HAS GONE. LID RAISED AS RUDYARD PEERS OUT OF THE BIN.

RUDYARD: You know... People can be so difficult-

GEORGIE: Oh wait, they’re coming back.

RUDYARD: (YELP)

DROPS DOWN INTO THE BIN, LID CLATTER. THE MOB HAVEN’T COME BACK.

GEORGIE: “Georgie, would you like to go and have some strawberries?” Yeah, I would thanks. (EXITS, WHISTLING)

WE PAN UP INTO THE AIR…

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SCENE 3.

A HOT AIR BALLOON ABOVE PIFFLING.

MADELEINE: (V.O.) Whilst Rudyard hid in a rubbish bin and considered how life had brought him there, floating high in the skies above him was a large hot air balloon. Within its basket stood two people without a care in the world between them: the infamous Lady Vivienne Templar, and Rudyard’s funereal foe, Eric Chapman.

TEMPLAR: This was such a wonderful idea, Chappers… Just to get away from it all, for an hour or two.

ERIC: (RELAXED) I know… Just look at that sky.

TEMPLAR: And the birds.

ERIC: And the clouds.

TEMPLAR: And the setting sun…

ERIC: Another day.

TEMPLAR: Another night…

ERIC: (BEAT) Aubergine?

TEMPLAR: Thank you. (BITES INTO IT, CHEWS) You know… (SWALLOWS) It feels like simply ages since we’ve been truly alone together… Don’t you think?

ERIC: Simply ages.

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TEMPLAR: All those council meetings...

ERIC: All those funerals…

TEMPLAR: And never any time for us… And there should be time for us, Eric, there should be time. Had we but world enough, and time, this coyness – and the rest of it…

ERIC: Moving.

PULLS CHAMPAGNE FROM ICE BUCKET.

TEMPLAR: More champers, Chappers?

ERIC: I shouldn’t – it goes straight to my head.

TEMPLAR: I say… does it really?

CHAMPAGNE CORK POPS, FIZZES.

ERIC / TEMPLAR: (REACT, LAUGH, ETC.)

TEMPLAR POURS TWO GLASSES.

TEMPLAR: The most popular person on Piffling. The best man for a mile around. How do you do it, Chappers?

ERIC: (MIDDLE DISTANCE) I just do what I can.

TEMPLAR: You give me shivers when you stare into nothing like that.

ERIC: … To friends.

TEMPLAR: And, perchance, to more than friends.

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GLASSES CHINK. THEY DRINK.

ERIC: (FINISHES DRINKING) Ahhh.

TEMPLAR: Mmm… … … Eric?

ERIC: Mmhmm?

TEMPLAR: … Can you do me a funeral on the house?

ERIC: (BEAT) Sorry?

TEMPLAR: A funeral. Could I get it, you know. For nothing. Gratis.

ERIC: Oh. Um… Why?

TEMPLAR: My aunt’s died. Don’t ask me which one, it’s so hard to keep count. But they all asked if I knew you, and I do, so I’m asking, because they’re very excited. Do you see?

ERIC: I see.

TEMPLAR: So. How about it? Quick funeral. No charge. Just between ourselves. (BEAT) It’d get you exposure?

ERIC: Er, well. Um. I’d rather not.

TEMPLAR: (BEAT) What?

ERIC: I mean, it wouldn’t be fair, would it? To my other clients.

TEMPLAR: No, but then… they don’t have… what we have. Do they?

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ERIC: Er… No, I suppose not – but – er… It’s just… I can’t. Sorry. It wouldn’t be right. You do understand, don’t you?

TEMPLAR: (BEAT) Oh yes. (PAUSE) I understand. (PAUSE) Yes, I understand you. Perfectly. Don’t you worry. (PAUSE) I get it, you see, I understand. You don’t need to repeat it. There we are. Say no more. That’s it. (PAUSE) I’ve got your number. Loud and clear, enough said, no more to be done. There’s no answer to that, and that’s all there is to it. Blood under the bridge – d’you want jam on that? – would that I could: Fin. (PAUSE) I wish you’d stop talking about it.

ERIC: (PAUSE) Good, well, um, shall I pour you some more champagne?

TEMPLAR: What about the Mayor?

ERIC: What about the Mayor?

TEMPLAR: You told him you’d do his funeral for nothing, didn’t you?

ERIC: How’d you know that?

TEMPLAR: Because he’s always telling us how much he’s looking forward to it.

ERIC: Well, I was new, I was settling in, and he is the Mayor-

TEMPLAR: Oh so I’m not important enough for you?

ERIC: That’s not it!

TEMPLAR: I can’t offer you more than you’ve already got?

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ERIC: Perhaps if you joined the Chapman’s Members Club?

TEMPLAR: I should say I’m a pretty regular member of the Chapman’s Members Club wouldn’t you-

ERIC: Shhh, shh, blimey – look. We can do you the funeral, but I couldn’t give you any preferential treatment-

TEMPLAR: (SARCASTIC) No no. You’re popular, you’re powerful. Whatever could I do for you?

ERIC: Vivienne-

TEMPLAR: Perhaps I should take my business elsewhere? After all, you’re not the only funeral home on the island, are you?

ERIC: … You… you surely can’t mean-

TEMPLAR: I surely can. In fact, that’s really not a bad idea. I think I’ll pop along and see them this instant.

ERIC: But – but – but at least let me land the-

TEMPLAR: No don’t try and stop me. Hand me that parachute.

TEMPLAR PUTS ON PARACHUTE.

ERIC: I really think you should reconsider.

TEMPLAR: Ta ta, Chappers. I’m sorry things didn’t work out.

ERIC: Oh stop it, I know you’re bluffing me, you’d never go through with it. I know you wouldn’t.

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TEMPLAR: You know it all, don’t you?

ERIC: Yes!

TEMPLAR: Well I hope that gives you comfort when I’m gone. Bye!

ERIC: Vivienne! Wait! What will I do without you?

TEMPLAR: … Enjoy yourself.

TEMPLAR JUMPS OUT OF THE BALLOON. HER PARACHUTE OPENS AND SHE FLOATS AWAY.

ERIC: Vivienne! Vivienne!

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SCENE 4.

FUNN FUNERALS

MADELEINE: (V.O.) As Eric watched his date drifting down towards the village, Rudyard emerged from hiding and slunk into Funn Funerals to close up for the night.

FRONT DOOR OPENS, BELL, CLOSES.

RUDYARD: Antigone.

ANTIGONE: Rudyard… By Christ, why do you smell like that?

RUDYARD: I have been in a bin. For half an hour.

ANTIGONE: Why?

RUDYARD: Because some people can’t accept constructive criticism.

ANTIGONE: You’ve been chased by an angry mob more times than I care to remember, and it’s beginning to make you look bad.

RUDYARD: I merely suggested that, now her husband was dead, the widow might want to lay off the drinking. She’d had half a glass of wine by the time I stopped her, it was ridiculous.

ANTIGONE: Oh God.

RUDYARD: At that rate she wasn’t going to remember anything.

ANTIGONE: Maybe she didn’t want to remember anything?

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RUDYARD: What’s the point of a good funeral if you can’t remember it? Makes a complete joke of our entire profession.

ANTIGONE: You just don’t understand people at all, do you?

RUDYARD: People are not complex – they either attack you, or they don’t. I tried to get her family to agree with me about the drinking but of course they were all on her side – setting a terrible example // and I told them so.

ANTIGONE: // And you told them so.

RUDYARD: Her father made certain remarks, which turned into vows-

ANTIGONE: Vows?

RUDYARD: “I’ll get you if it’s the last thing I do!” and that sort of thing. And then I began running. So he began running. And then they all began running. They should thank me.

ANTIGONE: Why?

RUDYARD: I’ve given them all some exercise.

TELEPHONE. PHONE PICKED UP.

Now look here… Mr Beamish? No, actually, I don’t live here, so don’t come looking for me. In fact this isn’t even me talking. It’s a machine. Leave your message after the-

PHONE SLAM.

That should fox him. Right. Time to close up, I think, it’s been a long day. Where’s Georgie?

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BACK DOOR OPENS.

GEORGIE: Right here. Hot waters all round.

RUDYARD: Wonderful! I needed this. (SLURPS) Ow. It’s hot.

FRONT DOOR OPENS, BELL.

TEMPLAR: Ah, hello?

RUDYARD: … Lady Templar?

TEMPLAR: Um… Can I come in?

RUDYARD: If only you could. But no, we’re closed.

ANTIGONE: Yes you can, please come in!

RUDYARD: Oh all right then– what do you want?

TEMPLAR: I wanted to engage your services for a funeral. But if you’re not interested I can just as easily-

RUDYARD: No no no no no, of course we’re interested! Come on in, come on in – Georgie, help the nice lady out of her parachute!

GEORGIE: I’m great at helping ladies out of parachutes.

FRONT DOOR CLOSES. TEMPLAR IS DIVESTED OF PARACHUTE.

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RUDYARD: Forgive my reticence, Lady Templar. It’s been a most trying evening.

TEMPLAR: You’re not alone there.

ANTIGONE: I bet you’ve not been sitting in a bin for half an hour.

TEMPLAR: … No.

RUDYARD: Ha ha ha ha! My sister does sometimes say things, Lady Templar. Such a pity she can’t stay long.

ANTIGONE: Yes I can, I live here.

RUDYARD: Why don’t you move?

ANTIGONE: You before me.

RUDYARD: Over my dead body-

GEORGIE: (CLEARS THROAT) OK, guys. Client.

RUDYARD: Yes, so, you’d like to book a funeral with us?

TEMPLAR: I’d certainly like to book a funeral with someone. (BEAT) (LAUGHS)

RUDYARD: (JOINING IN, FORCED) Ha ha ha ha! (SERIOUS) But seriously, you’d like to book your funeral with us, rather than, say, er – somewhere else?

TEMPLAR: What makes you think I’d want to go somewhere else?

KNOCK AT FRONT DOOR.

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RUDYARD: Excuse me.

OPENS FRONT DOOR.

Yes?

ERIC: Evening, Rudyard. Is Lady Templar in there with you?

RUDYARD: Yes she is.

ERIC: Ah! Well-

RUDYARD SLAMS FRONT DOOR SHUT.

RUDYARD: I’m so sorry, Lady Templar, you were saying?

GEORGIE: Wait a second – what’s going on?

TEMPLAR: Nothing’s going on, what are you talking about?

GEORGIE: Just you being in here, and Eric outside, kind of seems like something’s going on. Is this a wind-up?

TEMPLAR: No it is not a “wind up.” One of my aunts has died and (FAKE CRYING) I need a funeral!

RUDYARD: Ah. Yes. Emotional. I’ve seen people like this before. It happens when someone dies.

ANTIGONE: Oh shut up Rudyard – Georgie, get her a chair.

GEORGIE: We don’t have one.

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ANTIGONE: Then clear some space on the counter. Would you like to sit on the counter, Lady Templar?

TEMPLAR: (SNIFFING) No, no. I shall be strong.

ANTIGONE: Then perhaps I could ask you a few easy questions. Like, um… What was your aunt’s name?

TEMPLAR: The dead one?

ANTIGONE: Yes.

TEMPLAR: I… (WAIL) I don’t knooooowww! (CRYING)

ANTIGONE: Oh, erm, er… perhaps you’d like to come back tomorrow and we can make arrangements then?

RUDYARD: No, don’t let her leave! She’ll go back to Chapman!

TEMPLAR: (SUDDENLY SERIOUS) I will not be doing business with Eric Chapman. Because Eric Chapman is a louse.

RUDYARD: (BEAT) Well, yes, I’ve always thought so.

TEMPLAR: Quite frankly, I’d book a funeral with anyone who isn’t Eric Chapman.

RUDYARD: That’s certainly our niche.

TEMPLAR: And so I should be delighted to book a service with Funn Funerals instead of Chapman’s, and you can tell everyone for all I care. Especially Eric’s friends.

RUDYARD: (JOKING) I mean, well, does he have any friends?

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RUDYARD / TEMPLAR: (LAUGH)

TEMPLAR: (TRAILS OFF SADLY) No, he doesn’t really… He told me once, on the Ferris wheel…

ANTIGONE: I didn’t know we had a Ferris wheel.

TEMPLAR: We do now; he had it built for us… No. Stop it, Vivienne!

RUDYARD: Yes, stop it, Vivienne!

TEMPLAR: What?

RUDYARD: Nothing.

TEMPLAR: I shall be back here bright and early tomorrow morning. And remember: tell your friends.

GEORGIE: We haven’t got any of those either.

RUDYARD: Georgie.

TEMPLAR: Ta ta!

SHE OPENS FRONT DOOR.

ERIC: Ah, er, hello Vivienne-

TEMPLAR: Goodnight, Mr Chapman.

TEMPLAR STRIDES AWAY.

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ERIC: Oh. Yes. Understood. Erm. Goodnight, everyone. Enjoy your… mm.

ERIC TRUDGES AWAY. DOOR CLOSES.

ANTIGONE: That was peculiar.

RUDYARD: Nothing peculiar about it. She’s a woman of intelligence, and she understands quality.

ANTIGONE: Yes, which means she hates you.

RUDYARD: And yet she’s still booking a funeral with us. Now if everybody else could overlook how much they hate me, we’d really be in business.

ANTIGONE: She is one of the most influential people on the island. If we do this properly, we might finally regain some respect around here! I was almost beginning to give up hope.

RUDYARD: We just had to stick to our guns.

GEORGIE: I still think something’s going on, sir.

RUDYARD: Don’t be paranoid. It’s been a brilliant day’s work. Time to celebrate with some hot water! (SIPS, SPITS OUT) Urgh! Yuck! … It’s gone cold.

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SCENE 5.

FUNN FUNERALS MORTUARY.

MADELEINE: (V.O.) To my surprise, Lady Templar kept her word, and the next morning saw Piffling’s leading socialite being given an exclusive tour of Antigone’s mortuary.

ANTIGONE LEADING A WORRIED TEMPLAR DOWN THE STAIRS.

ANTIGONE: You know, I rarely allow any visitors down here, so for me this is really quite – look out, watch your step!

TEMPLAR: (NERVOUS CRY)

ANTIGONE: You wouldn’t want to fall and break your neck though if you did this is the best place for it (HIGH PITCHED LAUGH) that’s a joke I tell myself-

TEMPLAR: (BEGINS A SCARED LAUGH)

ANTIGONE: You don’t have to do that-

TEMPLAR: (QUICK) Righto.

ANTIGONE: And, that’s the last step. Now, I’ll remove your blindfold for you. Sorry about that, by the way, it’s just so you can’t tell anyone how you got here.

TEMPLAR: I went down a flight of steps.

ANTIGONE: (BEAT) I’ll have to drug them next time.

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TEMPLAR: What?

ANTIGONE: So, this is the mortuary. I wanted to show you the care and commitment we put into our work, and by our work I mean my work, it’s no one else’s work, so that you know your body will be in safe hands. Don’t touch anything.

TEMPLAR: I wasn’t going to.

ANTIGONE: Good, I wouldn’t like it. Now over here is Mrs Sangfroid, she died of a ruptured stomach as you can see.

TEMPLAR: (STRAINED) How fascinating.

ANTIGONE: Is it? Oh! It was quite a tricky job this one – she’s oozing everywhere – but you can be sure she’ll look good as new by the time I’m done with her.

TEMPLAR: How nice, can I go now?

ANTIGONE: Even more intriguing is Mr Prendick over here, because if we don’t get to the body quickly enough it begins expanding and it takes quite a long time for it to stop.

TEMPLAR: (STILL SMILING) Oh dear God.

ANTIGONE: The belly in particular – just put your hand on that – here I’ll help you-

TEMPLAR: (SURPRISED CRY)

ANTIGONE: Firm, isn’t it, very firm?

TEMPLAR: Y-yes.

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ANTIGONE: Don’t be too sure! The slightest bit of pressure and he’d explode! We shouldn’t be doing this at all, really.

TEMPLAR: I want to go home.

ANTIGONE: (BLITHELY) You have to make an incision and let the air go out, it’s just like a balloon. Heh heh heh! Do you like balloons? Father wouldn’t let me have any.

TEMPLAR: Please let me go!

ANTIGONE: There’s really nothing that I can’t handle! Some of the bodies don’t even have a head (CLOSE) and that’s when I have to get creative.

TEMPLAR: (TERRIFIED CRY)

DOOR OPENS. RUNNING DOWN STAIRS.

RUDYARD: Antigone! What on Earth are you doing? I must apologise for my sister, Lady Templar, she’s still getting used to the concept of people-

ANTIGONE: (CLOSE) Look, go away! I’m trying to impress her! I want respect, I want prestige, I want people to know I exist – I SAID DON’T TOUCH ANYTHING.

TEMPLAR: (FRIGHTENED CRY)

RUDYARD: Nobody wants to see this!

ANTIGONE: But it’s interesting!

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RUDYARD: There, there, Lady Templar, just get your breath back. Lean on something, there you go…

TEMPLAR: Yes…

ANTIGONE: No, not Mr Prendick!

DISGUSTING POP.

TEMPLAR: (BEAT) AUUGGGHHHHHHH!!! (ANGUISHED SCREAM BREAKS DOWN INTO SOBBING)

RUDYARD: Damn it, Antigone!

ANTIGONE: I told her not to touch things! It’s basic health and safety!

RUDYARD TAKES SOBBING TEMPLAR UP THE STAIRS.

RUDYARD: Come along, Lady Templar, let’s get up the stairs and out into the light. I thought we might go and choose the flowers for the funeral? You like flowers, don’t you?

TEMPLAR: It’s all over me…

RUDYARD: That’s the spirit, lovely fresh flowers, nothing too expensive – have you left your bracelet in Mr Prendick?

TEMPLAR: (ANGUISH SOBS)

DOOR SHUTS.

ANTIGONE: (BEAT) Damn. I forgot to give her a business card.

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SCENE 6.

PIFFLING MARKET ATMOS.

MADELEINE: (V.O.) Rudyard took the traumatised Lady Templar for a visit to Piffling’s foremost florist, Petunia Bloom. This was a bit of a gamble, as he’d previously driven Petunia to a near breakdown through excessive haggling, but he was sure she wouldn’t hold that against him.

PETUNIA: (SCREECHING) Get away!

RUDYARD: Petunia, please-

PETUNIA: (MAD) Go on, get away from here! GO!

RUDYARD: I only want some flowers!

PETUNIA: One step closer and I’ll stick these thistles up your trellis! You hear me?! You time-wasting maniac!!

RUDYARD: Do excuse her, Lady Templar. She’s a bit of a card.

TEMPLAR: (DULLY) Yep.

RUDYARD: Petunia, let’s try and settle this like civilised adults-

PETUNIA: RARGH!!

STARTS THROWING FLOWERS AND POTS

RUDYARD: Argh!... Stop this!... Ow!... My tie!... (ETC.)

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IN BACKGROUND, RUDYARD CONTINUES DODGING PETUNIA’S ATTACKS.

TEMPLAR: (DEEP SIGH) You sure can pick ‘em, Vivenne.

ERIC: Why, hello there!

TEMPLAR: Eric!

ERIC: Crikey, it’s a warzone around here. What happened?

TEMPLAR: Well, Rudyard was-

ERIC: Ah, that makes sense. Looking after you well, are they?

TEMPLAR: (BEAT) Yes.

ERIC: Good! … They’re dedicated.

TEMPLAR: Yes they are. Very… I saw their mortuary this morning.

ERIC: Blimey. You are privileged. What’s it like?

TEMPLAR: Oh, you know. Dead bodies and stuff.

ERIC: Mmm. Well! So long as you’re happy with them!

TEMPLAR: (STRAINED) Yes.

ERIC: … Listen, I can’t keep doing this.

TEMPLAR: Doing what?

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ERIC: There’s still time to call it off. I’d be happy to take on your aunt’s funeral, you know that.

TEMPLAR: You’re sure of yourself, aren’t you?

ERIC: Hang on a second - Petunia! How are you?

PETUNIA STOPS THROWING THINGS.

PETUNIA: (DELIGHTED) Mr Chapman! Is that you? Oh my! What must you think of me? All this fracas!

ERIC: I’m sure anyone would have done the same.

RUDYARD: (OFF) Hey!

PETUNIA: It’s just people like that Rudyard over there – look at him – they make me go quite potty, Mr Chapman. All I want to do is an honest day’s business!

ERIC: Of course you do!

PETUNIA: (CALLS OUT) Roses are red! Violets are blue! At Petunia Bloom’s, they’re one for two! Don’t rush me all at once!

TANYA: (OFF) I want a Christmas tree.

PETUNIA: No you don’t, it’s Spring.

TANYA: (OFF) I’m an individual-

PETUNIA: Sod off!

26 Wooden Overcoats 3.1 – The Loneliness of the Short-Tempered Rudyard © David K. Barnes 2017

ERIC: I don’t suppose I could have a batch of lilies from you this morning? And a couple of white roses?

PETUNIA: Of course you can! Here: take em, with my compliments.

BUNCHES OF FLOWERS.

ERIC: No no, I wouldn’t dream of not paying for them.

PETUNIA: Ooo! Isn’t he a gentleman, Viv?

TEMPLAR: (ACIDLY) Quite.

ERIC: And, er… Could I get anything for you, Lady Templar?

TEMPLAR: (BEAT) No.

ERIC: Oh. Really?

TEMPLAR: Mr Funn? - Mr Funn, stop shaking behind that spiegeltent and come here!

RUDYARD: Yes, yes, right away – sorry. I’m not bleeding.

TEMPLAR: Yes you are. Ms Bloom, I want you to sell this man a selection of your best roses, peonies, and night scented stock. Because he will be conducting the funeral that I refuse to grant to this conceited, overconfident lizard.

PETUNIA: Oh my.

ERIC: Erm, ah-

TEMPLAR: The flowers, Ms Bloom.

27 Wooden Overcoats 3.1 – The Loneliness of the Short-Tempered Rudyard © David K. Barnes 2017

PETUNIA: As you like. Here you go, Mr Funn.

BUNCHES OF FLOWERS.

RUDYARD: Finally! A little service around here-

TEMPLAR / PETUNIA: Shut up.

TEMPLAR: Furthermore, Mr Funn, I should like to discuss the service with you tonight – at the yacht club. Over dinner.

ERIC: What.

RUDYARD: Oh! Gosh, well, erm-

TEMPLAR: 8 o’clock. Don’t be late, will you?

STRIDES OFF OVER FALLEN FLOWERS.

RUDYARD: (CALLING) No! At Funn Funerals, we get the me in the yacht club in the evening on time, rest assured!... Yes…

ERIC: Astounding… Petunia, could I have some peonies too?

PETUNIA: I don’t think so, Mr Chapman. I’m not sure what you’ve been doing to upset Viv like that, but whatever it is we don’t allow it around here!

ERIC: Wait, what? Petunia! … Well, how do you like that?

RUDYARD: Very much, as it happens! (SMUG, EXITING) I’ll see you around, Chapman.

ERIC: (THREATENING) Not if I see you first, Rudyard.

28 Wooden Overcoats 3.1 – The Loneliness of the Short-Tempered Rudyard © David K. Barnes 2017

SCENE 7.

FUNN FUNERALS.

MADELEINE: (V.O.) This sounded vaguely threatening, and I scurried after Rudyard to warn him. However, a dinner invitation from one of Piffling’s most influential residents had made him confident, and by the evening – when he was dressing for dinner – he was in no mood to listen to anybody, about anything.

ANTIGONE: It’s a trap.

RUDYARD: It’s not a trap, it’s dinner.

ANTIGONE: Food in a trap, it’s called bait, you idiot. That’s the cheese and you’re the mouse.

MOUSE: (SQUEAK)

RUDYARD: Apologise to Madeleine. Where’s my bowtie?

GEORGIE: Here you go.

RUDYARD: Oh, how sad. The clip’s come off.

GEORGIE: I’ve got some blu tack.

RUDYARD: Brilliant!

ANTIGONE: It doesn’t make any sense, Rudyard, you must see that!

RUDYARD: I don’t see why not.

29 Wooden Overcoats 3.1 – The Loneliness of the Short-Tempered Rudyard © David K. Barnes 2017

GEORGIE: She doesn’t like you.

RUDYARD: I knew that in the womb.

GEORGIE: I meant Lady Templar. She’s never liked you before. You must admit, it is a bit strange.

ANTIGONE: You’re fending off a botanic assault from Petunia Bloom, and suddenly Lady Templar’s inviting you to dinner?

RUDYARD: It’s called cause and effect; look it up. Do you think these sleeves are too long?

GEORGIE: Yeah. I’ll cut the cuffs off.

RUDYARD: Thank you Georgie. Look, it’s a simple case of a client wanting to discuss a funeral with her local undertaker over a three-course meal; it happens all the time.

ANTIGONE: Are you sure this isn’t a tax scam?

RUDYARD: Yes!

GEORGIE: I mean, it could be. We haven’t seen a body yet.

ANTIGONE: She’s right; where is it?

RUDYARD: We’ll get it when we need it – don’t be impatient! You’ve got other bodies to work on.

ANTIGONE: I want a new one!

RUDYARD: No!

30 Wooden Overcoats 3.1 – The Loneliness of the Short-Tempered Rudyard © David K. Barnes 2017

GEORGIE: Maybe she’s stalling for time. Was Eric there when she made her invitation?

RUDYARD: Yes, and you should have seen the look on his face.

GEORGIE: Was it like this?

RUDYARD: Ha! Ha ha! Ha, no it wasn’t, but that’s a good one too.

ANTIGONE: Wait – you think Lady Templar’s trying to antagonise Chapman by doing business with us?

RUDYARD: It just gets better and better!

GEORGIE: Not if she’s gaming the system it doesn’t. She could be attacking Eric’s pride, holding out for a discount.

ANTIGONE: So she never intended to let us do the funeral? I knew it!

GEORGIE: Hey, it’s just a theory.

ANTIGONE: But it fits all the facts!

RUDYARD: No it doesn’t! She’s going with us because she wants the better service.

GEORGIE: (SCOFFING) Come on.

RUDYARD: What do you mean?

GEORGIE: Er, I mean come on, time to get you off to dinner.

ANTIGONE: No, don’t go! You’re being set up! It’ll all end in tears!

31 Wooden Overcoats 3.1 – The Loneliness of the Short-Tempered Rudyard © David K. Barnes 2017

MOUSE: (SQUEAK SQUEAK!)

RUDYARD: Look, stop it! All of you! I’ve had it up to here with your gloom, your doom and your pessimism! I’m proud of what we achieve here and you should be too. And why may I ask is it so hard to believe that somebody might actually want to spend an evening in my company over dinner in a public place?

ANTIGONE: Because it’s you!

RUDYARD: Well thank you, Antigone, thank you very much.

ANTIGONE: No offence.

RUDYARD: Lots taken! If you’ll excuse me, I shall leave whilst I still have a shred of dignity intact.

FRONT DOOR OPEN.

Goodnight!

FRONT DOOR SLAM. BEAT. DOOR OPEN.

(STILL ANGRY) Trousers!

GEORGIE: Here you go.

RUDYARD: (STILL ANGRY) Thank you!

DOOR SLAM.

32 Wooden Overcoats 3.1 – The Loneliness of the Short-Tempered Rudyard © David K. Barnes 2017

SCENE 8.

YACHT CLUB EXT. BALCONY TABLE, OVERLOOKING THE BAY. SOPHISTICATED MUSIC.

MADELEINE: (V.O.) I must admit to feeling sorry for the poor man, being confronted with fully justified scepticism. So I tagged along with him to the yacht club, where he was shown outside to a table overlooking the bay. Lady Templar was waiting for him.

WAITRESS: Your seat, Monsieur.

RUDYARD: Ah! Merci, Beaujolais.

WAITRESS: Would Monsieur like to order a drink?

RUDYARD: Yes… how hot does your water get here?

TEMPLAR: He’ll have the Dom Pérignon with me.

RUDYARD: I don’t drink.

TEMPLAR: You will now. (DISMISSIVE TO WAITRESS) Thank you.

WAITRESS: Oui Madame.

TEMPLAR: Why was the waitress looking at you like that?

RUDYARD: Like what?

TEMPLAR: She was scowling.

33 Wooden Overcoats 3.1 – The Loneliness of the Short-Tempered Rudyard © David K. Barnes 2017

RUDYARD: Ah! My sister got banned from here. These sorts of places can hold the most ludicrous grudges.

TEMPLAR: Why was she banned?

RUDYARD: Accessory to murder. Can we eat that bread?

TEMPLAR: (DULLY) Enjoy.

RUDYARD BUTTERS BREAD.

RUDYARD: I must say, it’s an honour to be invited here tonight.

TEMPLAR: Yes I’m sure it is.

RUDYARD: Too many of our clients don’t take the time to socialise with their undertakers. After all, (EATING BREAD) we’ve got feelings too!

TEMPLAR: (LOOKING AROUND) Exceptional, yes…

RUDYARD: And the fact that such a person like yourself, choosing Funn Funerals when many might prefer to-… well, may I say we look forward to organising a brisk and efficient funeral for you in the days ahead.

TEMPLAR: (LOOKING AROUND) Yep, can’t wait.

RUDYARD: Lady Templar?... Are you looking for somebody?

TEMPLAR: Oh no no! No no no! No! No no no - oh there he is.

ERIC: (OFF) Vivienne!

TEMPLAR: Quickly, say something funny.

RUDYARD: I don’t think I can.

TEMPLAR: What? Oh – (FAKE UPROARIOUS LAUGHTER) That is so pithy! I am having a wonderful evening!

RUDYARD: Well this bread has been baked to perfection-

ERIC: Oh hello you two!

TEMPLAR: Eric!

RUDYARD: Chapman!

ERIC: Balcony table, nice one! Pleasant evening?

TEMPLAR: Oh it’s much more than that, isn’t it, Rudders?

RUDYARD: I can’t imagine how, but if you say so, yes.

WAITRESS: Your Dom Pérignon, Madame.

CHAMPAGNE POP. POURS TWO GLASSES.

TEMPLAR: Thank you. And we’ll have quail’s eggs, lobster, and millionaire’s shortbread. (CALLS) With diamonds!

ERIC: Splashing out, I see?

TEMPLAR: Well, I’ve got something to celebrate, haven’t I?

RUDYARD: Your aunt’s death?

TEMPLAR: No. I meant doing things differently. (HEAVY EMPHASIS TO ERIC) Taking the alternative option.

ERIC: Great! I might order some bubbly too.

TEMPLAR: Then why don’t you join us for a spell? I’m sure Rudders won’t mind.

RUDYARD: Yes I will.

ERIC: I can’t, really – I’ve got my own guest waiting.

TEMPLAR: Then call her over, why don’t you?

ERIC: Fair enough. (CALLS) Sid! We’re over here!

SID: (OFF) Right with you, Eric boy!

TEMPLAR: Wait, what’s happening?

ERIC: Sorry, I didn’t say: I’m dining with Sid Marlowe tonight. Talking over some adverts in Piffling Matters, you know.

TEMPLAR: It just so happens you’re here with a journalist.

ERIC: Yes, though I can’t imagine there’s a story here, can you?

RUDYARD: I’m really looking forward to those quail’s eggs.

MADELEINE: (V.O.) I watched from behind a mustard jar as the three were joined by Sidney Marlowe, waving his pint of lager with intense excitement.

SID: (APPROACHING) Oi! Oi, Eric! If you don’t like poisson, they’ve also got fish!

TEMPLAR: Good evening, Mr Marlowe.

SID: Hey, wotcha Templar! And Rudyard! Cor blimey! I hope we’re not interrupting anything! Heh heh!

RUDYARD: Yes, we’re having dinner.

SID: Say no more, son, say no more!

RUDYARD: (PAINED) Stop… nudging me!

SID: Hang about… How come you two are having dinner together? There must be a story here. I can smell it!

WAITRESS: Your quail’s eggs.

SID: Oh, that’s what it was. I’ll be off then.

TEMPLAR: No, Mr Marlowe, please sit down. I wish to make a statement for your newspaper.

ERIC: Are you sure about this?

SID: Is this a scoop? Please say it is, I’m dying for one of them. Petunia would be proper chuffed with me.

WAITRESS: Excuse me, Monsieur Funn?

RUDYARD: Yes yes, what?

WAITRESS: We have a message for you.

RUDYARD: Oh, thank you.

WAITRESS PASSES A NOTE. RUDYARD OPENS IT.

ANTIGONE: (ECHOEY) “Rudyard, if you get this note, it means you’re still at the restaurant and I was wrong. You can do this! Signed, Antigone. P.S. If you muck this up I won’t even know where to begin, but for starters-“

IRRITATED RUDYARD SCREWS UP PAPER.

RUDYARD: Oh in the name of - (CLEARS THROAT) Lady Templar, about the funeral-

TEMPLAR: Oh there’s plenty of time for that after my interview – Mr Chapman, Mr Marlowe, do sit down!

SID: Brill! Go on, budge up, Rudyard.

ERIC AND SID SIT. SLIGHT KNOCKING OF TABLE AS SID SITS, RUDYARD’S ANNOYED.

Right. (CLICKS PEN) Let me get this down on the napkin.

TEMPLAR: Further to the passing of an aunt of mine who shall remain nameless, I have decided to arrange her funeral for next Monday with Funn Funerals.

SID: (WRITING) Next… Monday… with… Chapman’s. Got it.

TEMPLAR: I said Funn Funerals.

SID: Oh God, sorry. Let’s try again. (SCRIBBLES OUT) … Monday… with… Chapman’s. There. My mistake!

TEMPLAR: Mr Marlowe, I’m not booking my funeral with Chapman’s.

SID: Aren’t you?… But it says so on the napkin.

TEMPLAR: Yes, be that as it may, I am not booking with Chapman’s.

SID: So who are you booking with then?

RUDYARD: That would be me.

SID: You?

RUDYARD: Yes.

SID: … So do you work for Chapman’s now?

RUDYARD: No. I’m still where I always have been.

SID: But that would mean she’s booking with Funn Funerals?

RUDYARD: Yes.

SID: But nearly everyone books with Chapman’s, don’t they?

RUDYARD: Well she hasn’t.

SID: ... No no no, wait a sec – (EXASPERATED NOISE) – you, Lady Templar, are booking a funeral with him, Rudyard Funn, of Funn Funerals, instead of him, Eric Chapman, of Chapman’s? Is that right?

TEMPLAR: Yes.

SID: … OK… Right… (BEAT) But it says on the napkin that-

TEMPLAR: Forget the napkin!! Listen to my voice: I. Am. Booking. With. Funn. Funerals.

SID: OK, let’s say you’re right – and I’m not saying you are -

TEMPLAR: Oh my God.

SID: I need to ask you – ‘ere, can I have a quail’s egg?

RUDYARD: (DULLY) Yes.

SID: Cheers. (CHEWS WHILE TALKING) Why didn’t you ju- bleaaaahhhhhh!!! (SPITS OUT) That’s horrible! Try one.

RUDYARD: No thank you.

SID: OK, I’ll have yours then. (PULLS PLATE OVER, CHEWS WHILE TALKING) Now, why didn’t you ask Eric to do it for you? No offence, Rudyard.

RUDYARD: (SIGHS)

TEMPLAR: (CHUCKLES) Well, Mr Marlowe – Sidney – it’s simply-

ERIC: She did.

RUDYARD: … You did?

SID: What a twist!

TEMPLAR: I – I – well… yes! So what? It’s called shopping around.

ERIC: It’s simply that I’m not able to meet her requirements.

SID: And Funn Funerals is? I find that hard to believe. No offence, Rudyard.

RUDYARD: Yep, sure.

TEMPLAR: I know that people have said some very unkind things about Funn Funerals in the past.

SID: Including you. Many times.

TEMPLAR: (IRRITATED) Yes.

SID: I filled a page in the Piffling Matters Christmas Annual with the things you’ve said against Funn Funerals-

TEMPLAR: Yes the point is that I’ve reconsidered the hasty words I may or may not have said in the past-

SID: I mean, here’s the annual-

TEMPLAR: I don’t want it – and I now believe that Funn Funerals offers a… unique service that has a great deal of… charm, and that the team there do not deserve to be written off. Entirely.

RUDYARD: (TOUCHED) Thank you, Lady Templar. That’s so kind.

SID: Nah, not buying it. No offence, Rudyard.

RUDYARD: But she just said-

SID: Hang about, I know! Are you bluffing? Is this a bluff? You’re bluffing ain’t you! I think it’s a bluff! Is it a bluff?

TEMPLAR: It is not a bluff.

ERIC: It is a bluff.

TEMPLAR: … It’s not a bluff.

ERIC: It is a bluff.

TEMPLAR: Not a bluff-

ERIC: Is a bluff-

TEMPLAR: Not a bluff-

ERIC: Is a bluff-

TEMPLAR: Not a bluff-

SID: Is a bluff?

TEMPLAR: Not a bluff-

ERIC: Is a bluff-

TEMPLAR: (SNAPS) I wouldn’t need to bluff if you’d just give me a bloody freebie!!!

RUDYARD / SID: What?!

SID: You mean all this is because you expected a free funeral from Eric Chapman!

RUDYARD: (SHOCKED, SADDENED) Lady Templar…

TEMPLAR: Oh don’t look at me like that – I am broke, you hear me, flat out broke! And if that fact should leave this table-

ERIC: Vivienne! If you’d simply told me that then-

TEMPLAR: Shove it, you smug git! Let me tell you, Mr Marlowe, Eric Chapman is a preening egomaniac!

ERIC: Now wait a minute!

SID: I don’t think anyone’s come out of this looking good. (PRIDE) Except me, maybe.

WAITRESS: Is there anything the matter at this table?

TEMPLAR: No, go away.

RUDYARD: Actually – could I order some cheese for Madeleine?

TEMPLAR: Who’s Madeleine?

MOUSE: (SQUEAK SQUEAK)

TEMPLAR: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaahh!!!

WAITRESS: (BORED) Yes, Madame?

TEMPLAR: There’s a mouse on our table!

WAITRESS: I shall kill it with my bare hands, Madame.

RUDYARD: No! She’s a friend!

MOUSE: (SQUEAK)

TEMPLAR: Your friend is a mouse?!

RUDYARD: Yes! And sometimes she does our accounts.

TEMPLAR: (STANDS) That’s it! I’ve had it up to here with all of you!

ERIC: But Vivienne-

TEMPLAR: But nothing! I’m not hiring Funn Funerals and I’m not hiring you! I shall be taking my business to Jersey!

ERIC / RUDYARD / SID: (GASP)

SID: But nobody’s ever been there and lived!

TEMPLAR: Yes they have, and I’ll get a better deal too! And as for you, Eric – well. It was nice while it lasted.

ERIC: I see! Right! Sid: if you want me, I’ll be in the bar. The rest of you, enjoy yours… oh, goodnight. (EXITS)

SID: Hoi! Eric! Wait a tick!

TEMPLAR: Stop right there, Mr Marlowe – you’re not taking this story anywhere.

SID: I am a journalist, Lady Templar, and I cannot allow you to impede a story in the public interest!

TEMPLAR: You can have this bread if you burn the napkin.

SID: I’m doing it.

BURNS NAPKIN, TAKES PLATE.

Wa-hey! Pleasure doing business with you. (CALLS) Oi, Eric! Grub’s on me! (EXITS)

TEMPLAR: A ghastly end to a ghastly evening. God! I hope I’ve still got that cheesecake in the fridge.

RUDYARD: … Lady Templar… Were you really just using us?

TEMPLAR: Oh… Goodnight. You bizarre little man. (EXITS)

RUDYARD: I… I…

WAITRESS: Your lobster, Monsieur. And your shortbread. And your cheese.

MOUSE: (SQUEAK)

WAITRESS: Would you like the bill now or later?

RUDYARD: The bill?

WAITRESS: I’ll bring it later. Enjoy your meal.

RUDYARD: But… Madeleine… I… (SADLY) What happened?

THUNDERCLAP. INSTANT DOWNPOUR.

SCENE 9.

MADELEINE: (V.O.) Like his sister before him, Rudyard was banned from the yacht club, having refused to sell his house to pay for a meal that nobody wanted. An hour later, we quietly arrived back home, and Rudyard broke the news.

ANTIGONE: Well? How did it go?

RUDYARD: (SADDENED) We lost the client. She was stringing us along, just like you all said.

ANTIGONE: I knew it! I knew it was too good to be true. (GASP!) I let her into my mortuary! Urghhh, it’s unclean! Unclean!

RUDYARD: Antigone…

ANTIGONE: Oh… Sorry. (BEAT) I am sorry, Rudyard.

RUDYARD: (BEAT) There’ll be other clients. (BEAT) We’re not beaten yet. Are we?

ANTIGONE: (PAUSE) You should get some sleep. Goodnight.

MORTUARY DOOR OPENS, CLOSES.

RUDYARD: (SIGHS)

GEORGIE: Hey.

RUDYARD: Georgie, what are you still doing here? You should have gone home hours ago.

GEORGIE: Meh. Thought I’d wait around. See how you got on.

RUDYARD: You knew it’d end badly, didn’t you?

GEORGIE: I still hoped it wouldn’t. … You OK?

RUDYARD: … I wish… I wish we could be taken seriously.

GEORGIE: … Well… Give it time, sir… See you tomorrow.

FRONT DOOR OPENS, CLOSES.

MOUSE: (SQUEAK)

RUDYARD: What is it, Madeleine? … The millionaire’s shortbread! I didn’t see you sneak that out!

MOUSE: (SQUEAK SQUEAK?)

RUDYARD: I’d love to. I’ll get us some plates.

MADELEINE: (V.O.) And so, we ate some shortbread together. And, to be honest, it was really quite… nice.

THEME TUNE.

ANNOUNCER: The Loneliness of the Short-Tempered Rudyard was written by David K. Barnes and performed by Felix Trench as Rudyard, Beth Eyre as Antigone, Tom Crowley as Eric, Ciara Baxendale as Georgie, Catriona Knox as Lady Templar, Sarah Thom as Petunia Bloom, Paul Putner as Sid Marlowe, and Belinda Lang as Madeleine, with additional voices by Holly Campbell and Pip Gladwin. Original music composed by James Whittle and the production manager was Elizabeth Campbell. The programme was recorded at ArtSpace Studios, and was directed and produced by Andy Goddard and John Wakefield.