‘Doctor, this is my fiance. Please don’t kill him.’ You are cordially invited to the wedding of Mr Jason Kane and Professor Bernice S. Summerfield, to be held in the village of Cheldon Bonniface in the year 2010. If everything works out, that is. Between rows, fights and pre-emptive divorce proceedings, there may not be a wedding at all. Especially if there really is someone who wants to prevent it happening. Everybody’s coming: from the Ice Warriors to UNIT veterans, a flirtatious Ace to a suspicious Hamlet Macbeth – and a very confused trio of Isley Brothers. The Doctor has to organize a buffet, Roz has a mystery to solve, and Chris has a girlfriend who used to be the Timewyrm. The fiftieth New Adventure, this celebratory book ties up plot threads from the previous novels, features guest appearances from well-loved characters, and includes a chapter written by many of the series’ favourite authors. PAUL CORNELL is one of the most popular and prolific authors in the New Adventures series. THENEW ADVENTURES HAPPY ENDINGS Paul Cornell First published in Great Britain in 1996 by Doctor Who Books an imprint of Virgin Publishing Ltd 332 Ladbroke Grove London W10 5AH Copyright © Paul Cornell 1996 The right of Paul Cornell to be identified as the Author of this Work has been asserted by him in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988. ‘Doctor Who’ series copyright © British Broadcasting Corporation 1996 Cover illustration by Paul Campbell ISBN 0 426 20470 0 Typeset by Galleon Typesetting, Ipswich Printed and bound in Great Britain by Mackays of Chatham PLC All characters in this publication are fictitious and any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. This book is sold subject to the condition that it shall not, by way of trade or otherwise, be lent, resold, hired out or otherwise circulated without the publisher’s prior written consent in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without a similar condition including this condition being imposed on the subsequent purchaser. With thanks to: Ben Aaronovitch, Jon Blum, Peter Darvill-Evans, Andy Lane, Kate Orman, Lance Parkin, Marc Platt, Gareth Roberts – criticism and structural advice. Donald Gillikin – because Andy didn’t credit him. Alison Lawson, Jackie Mulligan – research. Penny List, Carrie O’Grady – moral support. The NSCT and Special K – fraternity. Peter Linford – an original idea. Daniel Ben-Zvi, Steven Moffat – roads not taken. Vanessa Bishop – the poem. Evan Dowe (not the author of Managra) – the music. Rebecca (mad mod poet god) Levene – who took the original idea far too seri- ously. Parts of this book were written at the Fitzroy Tavern. Obviously. And to all my friends, for their love and patience. And thanks to Mum and Dad, for Bread and Butter and Honey. ‘Everybody’s Welcome at the Wedding’ was written by, in order of appearance: Mark Gatiss, Daniel Blythe, Daniel O’Mahony, Ben Aaronovitch, Lance Parkin, Gary Russell, Steve Lyons, Dave Stone, Justin Richards, Gareth Roberts, David A.McIntee, Christopher Bulis, Paul Leonard, Kate Orman, Peter Darvill-Evans, Nigel Robinson, John Peel, Marc Platt, Simon Messingham, David Banks, An- drew Cartmel, Andy Lane, Andrew Hunt, Terrance Dicks and Neil Penswick. Peter C. you nearly missed it. You can’t get away as easily as that. ’Bye! For Alison Lawson In The Words of David Cassidy. The boudoir incident that had Antoinette bewitched, The careless mug of cocoa that almost had him hitched, The furrowed brow on Delphon that meant betrothal to a prince, And wisely, the Doctor has avoided all such situations since. Companions, though, have been less than careful in resisting such attraction, And signal their departure by slowing down the action, Not by fainting, twisting ankles, whilst evading signs of danger, But like our archaeologist, going gooey for a stranger. You are cordially invited to attend a wedding feast, To witness the marital union of Jason and Bernice. But true love can be disastrous, as the Doctor’s demonstrated, And whilst some never find Mr Right, others are inundated. One went through a fair few men before she finally chose; She’d be about to leave and then, some blond bloke would propose; Seduced over mushrooms whilst discussing toxic scares, King Peladon offered horrors of kids with purple hair. Jo, though, wouldn’t consider Izlyr as a warm, attractive host, Some say it was Savaar’s helmet that attracted Benny most. Susan tempted Aztecs and David Campbell followed, Peri got Yrcanos so she’s probably been swallowed. How Leela fell for Andred we are given no indication; Billy left with Delta to increase her population; Kassia and Tremas had a raucous nuptial do, And Grendel just planned weddings which continually fell through. The Brigadier won his Doris after numerous hotel dates; Marrying Saphadin for peace Joanna would not contemplate. For George, Charles Cranleigh’s love of Ann was not the best of news, And Susan stayed with David, so the Doctor took her shoes. Ballroom-dancing Benton put his Mavis in a huff; The Master showed the Atlantean Queen he’s real hypnotic stuff; Jo Grant eventually went for brains (amazing though it seems)– Mike Yates lost out to Clifford Jones, the Welshman of his dreams. Petra warmed Greg Sutton up, but he very nearly blew it; Failing to win Jobel’s heart, Tasambeker stabbed him through it. Vira still loved Noah but she wasn’t quite his kind, And Marriner wanted Tegan, but only for her mind. Staying behind in Troy established Vicki as a myth; For Giuliano, love was mirrored, for he looked just like Miss Smith. But all these lives and loves look tame compared to our false Professor’s, Who lives her life at twice the pace of all her predecessors. With over forty chapters, Benny’s life reads like a thriller: Her diary tells of zombies, gods, assassins and guerrillas. We learnt about her passions for the Twentieth Century, But we never met her dad, wherever he might be. Sensopaths and Vampires, Oxford, darkness, blood and fire, Sheldukher and Olleril, the great Aztec Empire, All aboard the Schirron Dream, Menaxus, Shadowfell – Miss Summerfield has done it all, Medieval France as well. Doctor Watson Benny found a shameful, wicked flirt, And dangerous at twenty feet to anything in a skirt. Haiti 1914, Artefact and Peladon, Monks and punks and German spies – her journal carries on. Warlock, the Supreme One, London in the Seventies, All subject to our academic’s curiosities. Guests from past and future will see Bernice and Jason wed, Gastropods with buttonholes, cravated quadrupeds, Tailcoats with tails protruding, grunts for glasses to be refilled, Martian guests complaining that champagne has not been chilled. And notably absent certain malicious pepperpots Who never go to weddings and have avoided fifty plots, And the Doctor, by the vol-au-vents, behind the Hula Hoops, Awaiting Happy Endings. one more fledgling flies the coop. Vanessa Bishop Contents The Wrong Kind of Snow 1 Pre-Titles Sequence 7 The Unformed Heart 11 The Power of Cheap Music 33 In Dreams 39 Frocks 45 The UNIT Family 63 The Adventure of the Curious Landowner, Chapter One 77 Bona Earth Reptiles 85 Writing in the Sand 91 Cut to the Chase 93 The Adventure of the Curious Landowner, Chapter Two 105 Interlude 109 Neville Cardus, Do Not Touch Me 111 Oops! It’s the Bishop 137 Knees Up, Mother Earth 145 Yes, They’re Back! 163 The Adventure of the Curious Landowner, Chapter Three 165 Blake’s Heaven 169 Hens And Stags 179 Meanwhile, Inside the Charrl’s Other-Dimensional Homeworld Contained Within the Doctor’s Original TARDIS Standing on the Village Green 185 The Wedding 187 A Slight Interruption 199 The Wedding, Slight Return 209 A Warm Reception 211 Everybody’s Welcome at the Wedding 219 They Think It’s All Over. 241 Happy Endings 247 Opposites Attract 256 Who’s Who 259 The Wrong Kind of Snow Lady President Romanadvoratrelundar of Gallifrey settled back into the chair behind the big desk with a little toss of her hair. She patted the ornate chair arms and smiled sweetly at the stocky man who stood impassively by the office door. ‘What an enormous and well-appointed chair it is, Castellan Spandrell. I can almost see why somebody would want to be President.’ ‘It is not too late to change your mind, Lady President,’ Spandrell rumbled. ‘The election was a very close thing. Or so I would guess. I am not officially allowed to know.’ ‘So?’ Romana pushed a stray hair back from her brow. ‘Fifty-three per cent to forty-seven. A surprise result.’ He sighed deeply. ‘Which means, of course, that it should not be a surprise to anybody. The Interventionists were seen in the lobbies.’ ‘I promised a kinder, gentler Gallifrey. They expect me to involve the Time Lords in the affairs of the universe. Should I?’ Spandrell shrugged: slowly, portentously, like a tectonic plate shifting. ‘There are,’ he concluded, ‘a few small things that might need doing. Your predecessor would doubtless have got round to them. ’ His voice trailed off into a diplomatic grumble. ‘If she hadn’t been found drunk in charge of the Sash of Rassilon, yes. I have a few things that I’d like to do myself.’ Romana stood up and put her hand to her chin. ‘I’d like an embassy for the Tharils. As a fellow timefaring race, we should be treating them with respect.’ ‘As you wish,’ said Spandrell. ‘Do you have a strategy report for me? I think I should consult such a thing before we go any further.