Bless You All!

BLESS YOU ALL! Sketches by ARNOLD AUERBACH Music and Lyrics by HAROLD ROME Directed by BEN WEST Rehearsal Draft Aug. 7, 2013 UnsungMusicalsCo. Inc. P.O. Box 722 New York, New York 10159 © Auerbach/Rome www.unsungmusicals.org CHARACTERS Woman 1 (Entertainer) Woman 2 (Supper Club Chanteuse) Woman 3 (Singing Comic) Woman 4 (Diva) Woman 5 (Dance Specialty) Man 1 (Dance Duo) Man 2 (Dance Duo) Man 3 (Top Banana) Man 4 (Top Banana) Man 5 (Second Banana) Man 6 (Entertainer) SKETCHES AND MUSICAL NUMBERS “Bless You All” ....................................... W1, M1 & M2 I’ll Take the Check ................................... M3, M4 & M5 “When?” ........................................................ W4 “Summer Dresses” .......................................... M6 & W5 “Love Letter to Manhattan” ............................ W2, M1 & M2 Justice on the Lam .................................... M3, M4 & M5 “Bless You All” Reprise ............................... W1, M1 & M2 “A Rose is a Rose” ............................................. M6 “I Can Hear It Now” ............................................ W2 Southern Fried Chekhov ................................ M3, W3 & W1 “Don’t Wanna Write About the South” ................... M3, W3 & W1 T.V. Over the White House “Love That Man!” ............................... W5, M4, M1 & M2 “Voting Blues” .............................................. W4 “Just a Little White House” ............................ M4 & W3 “Love That Man!” Reprise ............................... M1 & M2 “Take Off the Coat” ................................... W2, M6 & W5 “The Roaring Twenties Strike Back” .................... W1, M1 & M2 Without Reservations ..................... M3, M4, M5, W3 & Company “You Never Know What Hit You” .................................. W4 Finale ................................................ W1, M1 & M2 BLESS YOU ALL! Rehearsal Draft 8/7/13 1 BLESS YOU ALL Whistle blows. Music launches into title song as three performers bound onto the stage. The house lights simultaneously bump out. We should slam into the top of the show with no blackout. The three performers do a brief dance and then launch into the lyric. This should be an exciting, full- throttle, vaudevillian opening. WOMAN ONE THANK THE LORD FOR PEOPLE LIKE YOU WHO LIKE TO SEE A SHOW THANKS FOR WHAT IT IS THAT MAKES YOU COME TAKES YOU FROM YOUR RADIO AND HOWDY DOODY THANK YOU, YOU LOVELY CREATURES FOR PASSING UP THE LOCAL DOUBLE FEATURES YOU’RE THE KIND THAT KEEP SHOW BUSINESS FROM BECOMING NO BUSINESS SO EACH CURTAIN CALL WE SAY: “THANK YOU, SIR AND THANK YOU, MA’AM THANK YOU, SIR AND THANK YOU, MA’AM THANK YOU KINDLY SIR AND MA’AM AND BLESS YOU ALL!” MEN ONE & TWO THANKS FOR LETTING NEITHER HAIL NOR SNOW NOR RAIN DETAIN YOU OR THE MANNERS OF THE MUGS IN THE BOX OFFICE PAIN YOU OR THE HAZARDS OF THE LATE SUBURBAN TRAIN MAKE YOU REFRAIN... ALL THREE FROM THE TINSEL AND THE GLAMOUR OF THE DRAMMER! WOMAN ONE THANKS FOR NOT PERMITTING BABY SITTING PROBLEMS TO UNNERVE YOU HEAVEN KNOWS THAT THERE ARE LOTS OF BROADWAY SHOWS THAT WANT TO SERVE YOU ALL THREE BUT YOU GOT HERE ALL THE SAME AND WE’RE AWF’LLY GLAD YOU CAME! IT’S A WONDER YOU APPEAR HIP-HOO-RAY AND GIVE A CHEER! YOU’RE OUR CHOICE FOR THE MAN © Auerbach/Rome UnsungMusicalsCo. Inc. BLESS YOU ALL! Rehearsal Draft 8/7/13 2 AND THE WOMAN OF THE YEAR! Dance break. WOMAN ONE YOU’RE THE KIND THAT KEEPS SHOW BUSINESS FROM BECOMING NO BUSINESS SO EACH CURTAIN CALL WE SAY: ALL THREE “THANK YOU, SIR AND THANK YOU, MA’AM THANK YOU, SIR AND THANK YOU, MA’AM THANK YOU KINDLY SIR AND MA’AM AND BLESS YOU... BLESS YOU ALL!” Blackout. THE END © Auerbach/Rome UnsungMusicalsCo. Inc. BLESS YOU ALL! Rehearsal Draft 8/7/13 3 I’LL TAKE THE CHECK Lights restore on a small restaurant table. Two men have finished dining and appear to be laughing and enjoying the company. ED Doggone! It’s sure been swell seeing you again. (Calling.) Check please. Man 5 enters as Waiter with check. JOE Hold it, boy. This is on me. ED Next time. (Extends a bill to waiter.) Here you are. JOE Don’t take it, waiter. (Extends bill.) Here. ED Hey! Cut that out. JOE Put that away. ED (To waiter.) Don’t touch that. JOE You’re embarrassing me! ED Please! Waiter has been holding out check first to one, then the other. Bills switch hands. Check switches hands. Two men push each other’s hands away and wrestle the respective bills back into each other’s pocket. Waiter is confused; now no bills. ED (Cont’d) You old sonuvagun! Well, if it’ll make you feel any better, go ahead. Waiter approaches Joe. JOE No siree. I know when I’m licked. Waiter back to Ed. © Auerbach/Rome UnsungMusicalsCo. Inc. BLESS YOU ALL! Rehearsal Draft 8/7/13 4 ED (To waiter.) My friend’s in charge. JOE (To waiter.) See the other gentleman. ED Don’t listen to him! JOE Don’t listen to HIM! Waiter looks from one to the other. ED Joe, my boy, let’s be logical here. Who rang you up this morning to make the date? JOE You did. But... ED That’s all, brother. I invited you. So it’s on me. Check, waiter. Waiter registers approval that Ed is right. Beaming his congratulations, he approached him with the check. JOE Now, wait a minute. That day we met on the street, who said, “Let’s get together for lunch some time?” ED You did. But... JOE Well! The whole thing was my idea! Check, please. Waiter moves to Joe. ED Hold on. For months before I ran into you, I used to say to Lucille...”Wonder what old Joe Baker’s doing. Gee, I’d like to take him to lunch some day.” Waiter goes back to Ed. JOE If you don’t mind my saying so, I think you’re quibbling. ED I’m not quibbling at all. I’m simply proving how long I’ve had the idea. Check, waiter. © Auerbach/Rome UnsungMusicalsCo. Inc. BLESS YOU ALL! Rehearsal Draft 8/7/13 5 JOE Well, if it comes to that, I’ve probably had it for years! In my subconscious! (Angrily, to waiter.) I’ll take that! ED Subconscious! Any minute you’ll be back to pre-natal influence! JOE I suppose there’s no such thing! If you’d keep an open mind, instead of sneering at every modern theory... ED Who’s sneering? JOE You are. You’re adopting a very sneering tone! ED Okay. Have it your way. Back in your mother’s stomach, you only wanted to get born so when you were [age] years old you could take me to lunch! Now go ahead, wise guy. Be a big shot. Pay the check. He shoves the waiter over to Joe. JOE I wouldn’t give you the satisfaction! Shoves waiter back. ED You always did have a stubborn streak. JOE Huh! I’m stubborn! ED You heard me! JOE I never liked you. Not even in high school. ED Oh, still bitter ‘cause you never made the debating team?! JOE Some bitter! Right now I’m making 15 thousand a year. I could buy you and sell you. ED You could, huh? It may interest you to know that last year I made 16, five! Plus a Christmas bonus! © Auerbach/Rome UnsungMusicalsCo. Inc. BLESS YOU ALL! Rehearsal Draft 8/7/13 6 JOE Do you get an expense account? ED No. JOE Hah! I do! ED Mr. Moneybags, himself! And he outfumbles me for a lousy two bucks! Check! JOE I’ll pay, you cheapskate! And I’ll show you what I care about money! (To waiter as he passes with tray.) Waiter! (Grabs pie off tray and puts it in Ed’s face.) Put that on the check! Waiter is horrified. Put tray with other pie on table and goes to pay for the check himself. We see him taking money out of his pocket as he leaves. ED Oh, I’m a cheapskate, am I?! JOE That’s what I said! ED Step out here! JOE Glad to! They prepare to fight. ED Damn pighead! JOE Pot-bellied phony! ED Lucille was right! She always hated your guts! Ed throws pie at Joe, but waiter has returned with the receipt and gets the pie in the face. JOE Oh! (Waiter shows paid bill.) You mean you... (Waiter nods happily.) My God, Ed! © Auerbach/Rome UnsungMusicalsCo. Inc. BLESS YOU ALL! Rehearsal Draft 8/7/13 7 ED What a gesture! JOE We’ve been acting like children. ED Waiter, I’m ashamed of myself. (Looks at check.) Fifty-two Fifty! And you insist on paying? (Waiter nods.) How about a tip? (Waiter would be amenable.) Well, by Golly, the least you deserve is ten bucks. Ed reaches into his pocket. Joe grabs his arm. JOE I’ll take it, Ed. ED No, no. I’ve got it. JOE I insist! ED I won’t hear of it! Blackout. THE END © Auerbach/Rome UnsungMusicalsCo. Inc. BLESS YOU ALL! Rehearsal Draft 8/7/13 8 WHEN? WOMAN FOUR HERE I SIT ONCE MORE WHILE THE EMPTY LONELY HOURS FLIT ONCE MORE SOME GIRLS SEEM TO GET THE BREAKS WHILE I’M PARKED WATCHING OTHER FOLKS’ MISTAKES TIME GOES SLOW AGAIN TUNING IN THE SAME OLD RADIO SHOW AGAIN WATCHING AS THE T.V. TUBES GLOW AGAIN SITTING ON MY WEARY STATUS QUO AGAIN I’M TIRED OF READING ABOUT IT FROM EV’RYWHERE I’M TIRED OF HEARING ABOUT IT UPON THE AIR OF SITTING KNITTING, WAITING WHEN AM I GONNA BE PARTICIPATING I’M TIRED OF LEARNING ABOUT IT FROM MAGAZINES I’M TIRED OF HEARING ABOUT IT IN MEZZANINES WITH POPCORN FOR MY DIET WHEN AM I GONNA GET A CHANCE TO TRY IT? OH! MANY ARE THE HOURS THAT I’VE SAT AND SAT AND SAT LOOKING AT LOVE’S CHILLS AND TERRORS MY BASES ALL ARE LOADED BUT I NEVER GET TO BAT NO HIT, NO RUNS, NO ERRORS! I’M TIRED OF SIGHING TO BE IT LIKE MOVIE QUEENS I’M TIRED OF TRYING TO SEE IT ON TEN INCH SCREENS OF RUINING MY EYES TO IT WHEN AM I GONNA GET MY CHANCE TO DO IT? I’VE GOT THOSE SPECTATOR SPORTS BLUES AND IT’S A SHAME I’VE GOT THOSE SECOND HAND REPORTS BLUES AND IT’S MUCH TOO TAME MUCH TOO TAME HOW LONG DOES A WENCH HAVE TO PARK ON THE BENCH BEFORE SHE GET PUT IN THE GAME?! I’M TIRED OF YAMMER ABOUT IT HOW GREAT YOU FEEL I’M TIRED OF DRAMMER ABOUT IT FROM U.S.

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