Bless You All!

Home , If This Is Love

BLESS YOU ALL!

Sketches by ARNOLD AUERBACH

Music and Lyrics by HAROLD ROME

Directed by BEN WEST

Rehearsal Draft Aug. 7, 2013

UnsungMusicalsCo. Inc. P.O. Box 722 New York, New York 10159 © Auerbach/Rome www.unsungmusicals.org

CHARACTERS

Woman 1 (Entertainer) Woman 2 (Supper Club Chanteuse) Woman 3 (Singing Comic) Woman 4 (Diva) Woman 5 (Dance Specialty)

Man 1 (Dance Duo) Man 2 (Dance Duo) Man 3 (Top Banana) Man 4 (Top Banana) Man 5 (Second Banana) Man 6 (Entertainer)

SKETCHES AND MUSICAL NUMBERS

“Bless You All” ...... W1, M1 & M2 I’ll Take the Check ...... M3, M4 & M5 “When?” ...... W4 “Summer Dresses” ...... M6 & W5 “Love Letter to Manhattan” ...... W2, M1 & M2 Justice on the Lam ...... M3, M4 & M5 “Bless You All” Reprise ...... W1, M1 & M2 “A Rose is a Rose” ...... M6 “I Can Hear It Now” ...... W2 Southern Fried Chekhov ...... M3, W3 & W1 “Don’t Wanna Write About the South” ...... M3, W3 & W1 T.V. Over the White House “Love That Man!” ...... W5, M4, M1 & M2 “Voting Blues” ...... W4 “Just a Little White House” ...... M4 & W3 “Love That Man!” Reprise ...... M1 & M2 “Take Off the Coat” ...... W2, M6 & W5 “The Roaring Twenties Strike Back” ...... W1, M1 & M2 Without Reservations ...... M3, M4, M5, W3 & Company “You Never Know What Hit You” ...... W4 Finale ...... W1, M1 & M2 BLESS YOU ALL! Rehearsal Draft 8/7/13 1

BLESS YOU ALL

Whistle blows. Music launches into title song as three performers bound onto the stage. The house lights simultaneously bump out. We should slam into the top of the show with no blackout. The three performers do a brief dance and then launch into the lyric. This should be an exciting, full- throttle, vaudevillian opening.

WOMAN ONE THANK THE LORD FOR PEOPLE LIKE YOU WHO LIKE TO SEE A SHOW THANKS FOR WHAT IT IS THAT MAKES YOU COME TAKES YOU FROM YOUR RADIO AND HOWDY DOODY THANK YOU, YOU LOVELY CREATURES FOR PASSING UP THE LOCAL DOUBLE FEATURES YOU’RE THE KIND THAT KEEP SHOW BUSINESS FROM BECOMING NO BUSINESS SO EACH CURTAIN CALL WE SAY: “THANK YOU, SIR AND THANK YOU, MA’AM THANK YOU, SIR AND THANK YOU, MA’AM THANK YOU KINDLY SIR AND MA’AM AND BLESS YOU ALL!”

MEN ONE & TWO THANKS FOR LETTING NEITHER HAIL NOR SNOW NOR RAIN DETAIN YOU OR THE MANNERS OF THE MUGS IN THE BOX OFFICE PAIN YOU OR THE HAZARDS OF THE LATE SUBURBAN TRAIN MAKE YOU REFRAIN...

ALL THREE FROM THE TINSEL AND THE GLAMOUR OF THE DRAMMER!

WOMAN ONE THANKS FOR NOT PERMITTING BABY SITTING PROBLEMS TO UNNERVE YOU

HEAVEN KNOWS THAT THERE ARE LOTS OF BROADWAY SHOWS THAT WANT TO SERVE YOU

ALL THREE BUT YOU GOT HERE ALL THE SAME AND WE’RE AWF’LLY GLAD YOU CAME! IT’S A WONDER YOU APPEAR HIP-HOO-RAY AND GIVE A CHEER! YOU’RE OUR CHOICE FOR THE MAN

AND THE WOMAN OF THE YEAR!

Dance break.

WOMAN ONE YOU’RE THE KIND THAT KEEPS SHOW BUSINESS FROM BECOMING NO BUSINESS SO EACH CURTAIN CALL WE SAY:

ALL THREE “THANK YOU, SIR AND THANK YOU, MA’AM THANK YOU, SIR AND THANK YOU, MA’AM THANK YOU KINDLY SIR AND MA’AM AND BLESS YOU... BLESS YOU ALL!”

Blackout.

THE END

I’LL TAKE THE CHECK

Lights restore on a small restaurant table. Two men have finished dining and appear to be laughing and enjoying the company.

ED Doggone! It’s sure been swell seeing you again. (Calling.) Check please.

Man 5 enters as Waiter with check.

JOE Hold it, boy. This is on me.

ED Next time. (Extends a bill to waiter.) Here you are.

JOE Don’t take it, waiter. (Extends bill.) Here.

ED Hey! Cut that out.

JOE Put that away.

ED (To waiter.) Don’t touch that.

JOE You’re embarrassing me!

ED Please!

Waiter has been holding out check first to one, then the other. Bills switch hands. Check switches hands. Two men push each other’s hands away and wrestle the respective bills back into each other’s pocket. Waiter is confused; now no bills.

ED (Cont’d) You old sonuvagun! Well, if it’ll make you feel any better, go ahead.

Waiter approaches Joe.

JOE No siree. I know when I’m licked.

Waiter back to Ed.

ED (To waiter.) My friend’s in charge.

JOE (To waiter.) See the other gentleman.

ED Don’t listen to him!

JOE Don’t listen to HIM!

Waiter looks from one to the other.

ED Joe, my boy, let’s be logical here. Who rang you up this morning to make the date?

JOE You did. But...

ED That’s all, brother. I invited you. So it’s on me. Check, waiter.

Waiter registers approval that Ed is right. Beaming his congratulations, he approached him with the check.

JOE Now, wait a minute. That day we met on the street, who said, “Let’s get together for lunch some time?”

ED You did. But...

JOE Well! The whole thing was my idea! Check, please.

Waiter moves to Joe.

ED Hold on. For months before I ran into you, I used to say to Lucille...”Wonder what old Joe Baker’s doing. Gee, I’d like to take him to lunch some day.”

Waiter goes back to Ed.

JOE If you don’t mind my saying so, I think you’re quibbling.

ED I’m not quibbling at all. I’m simply proving how long I’ve had the idea. Check, waiter.

JOE Well, if it comes to that, I’ve probably had it for years! In my subconscious! (Angrily, to waiter.) I’ll take that!

ED Subconscious! Any minute you’ll be back to pre-natal influence!

JOE I suppose there’s no such thing! If you’d keep an open mind, instead of sneering at every modern theory...

ED Who’s sneering?

JOE You are. You’re adopting a very sneering tone!

ED Okay. Have it your way. Back in your mother’s stomach, you only wanted to get born so when you were [age] years old you could take me to lunch! Now go ahead, wise guy. Be a big shot. Pay the check.

He shoves the waiter over to Joe.

JOE I wouldn’t give you the satisfaction!

Shoves waiter back.

ED You always did have a stubborn streak.

JOE Huh! I’m stubborn!

ED You heard me!

JOE I never liked you. Not even in high school.

ED Oh, still bitter ‘cause you never made the debating team?!

JOE Some bitter! Right now I’m making 15 thousand a year. I could buy you and sell you.

ED You could, huh? It may interest you to know that last year I made 16, five! Plus a Christmas bonus!

JOE Do you get an expense account?

ED No.

JOE Hah! I do!

ED Mr. Moneybags, himself! And he outfumbles me for a lousy two bucks! Check!

JOE I’ll pay, you cheapskate! And I’ll show you what I care about money! (To waiter as he passes with tray.) Waiter! (Grabs pie off tray and puts it in Ed’s face.) Put that on the check!

Waiter is horrified. Put tray with other pie on table and goes to pay for the check himself. We see him taking money out of his pocket as he leaves.

ED Oh, I’m a cheapskate, am I?!

JOE That’s what I said!

ED Step out here!

JOE Glad to!

They prepare to fight.

ED Damn pighead!

JOE Pot-bellied phony!

ED Lucille was right! She always hated your guts!

Ed throws pie at Joe, but waiter has returned with the receipt and gets the pie in the face.

JOE Oh! (Waiter shows paid bill.) You mean you... (Waiter nods happily.) My God, Ed!

ED What a gesture!

JOE We’ve been acting like children.

ED Waiter, I’m ashamed of myself. (Looks at check.) Fifty-two Fifty! And you insist on paying? (Waiter nods.) How about a tip? (Waiter would be amenable.) Well, by Golly, the least you deserve is ten bucks.

Ed reaches into his pocket. Joe grabs his arm.

JOE I’ll take it, Ed.

ED No, no. I’ve got it.

JOE I insist!

ED I won’t hear of it!

Blackout.

THE END

WHEN?

WOMAN FOUR HERE I SIT ONCE MORE WHILE THE EMPTY LONELY HOURS FLIT ONCE MORE SOME GIRLS SEEM TO GET THE BREAKS WHILE I’M PARKED WATCHING OTHER FOLKS’ MISTAKES TIME GOES SLOW AGAIN TUNING IN THE SAME OLD RADIO SHOW AGAIN WATCHING AS THE T.V. TUBES GLOW AGAIN SITTING ON MY WEARY STATUS QUO AGAIN

I’M TIRED OF READING ABOUT IT FROM EV’RYWHERE I’M TIRED OF HEARING ABOUT IT UPON THE AIR OF SITTING KNITTING, WAITING WHEN AM I GONNA BE PARTICIPATING I’M TIRED OF LEARNING ABOUT IT FROM MAGAZINES I’M TIRED OF HEARING ABOUT IT IN MEZZANINES WITH POPCORN FOR MY DIET WHEN AM I GONNA GET A CHANCE TO TRY IT?

OH! MANY ARE THE HOURS THAT I’VE SAT AND SAT AND SAT LOOKING AT LOVE’S CHILLS AND TERRORS MY BASES ALL ARE LOADED BUT I NEVER GET TO BAT NO HIT, NO RUNS, NO ERRORS!

I’M TIRED OF SIGHING TO BE IT LIKE MOVIE QUEENS I’M TIRED OF TRYING TO SEE IT ON TEN INCH SCREENS OF RUINING MY EYES TO IT WHEN AM I GONNA GET MY CHANCE TO DO IT?

I’VE GOT THOSE SPECTATOR SPORTS BLUES AND IT’S A SHAME I’VE GOT THOSE SECOND HAND REPORTS BLUES AND IT’S MUCH TOO TAME MUCH TOO TAME HOW LONG DOES A WENCH HAVE TO PARK ON THE BENCH BEFORE SHE GET PUT IN THE GAME?!

I’M TIRED OF YAMMER ABOUT IT HOW GREAT YOU FEEL I’M TIRED OF DRAMMER ABOUT IT FROM U.S. STEEL OF WATCHING LOVE REHEARSIN’ WHEN AM I GONNA GET A CHANCE IN PERSON? I’M TIRED OF PAINTING ABOUT IT IN THIS WEEK’S LIFE I’M TIRED OF FAINTING ABOUT IT

WITH JOHN’S OTHER WIFE OF SONGS HOW IT’S BEWITCHIN’ WHEN AM I GONNA GET A CHANCE TO PITCH IN?

I KNOW THE WAY THAT LOVE CAN LOOK THE WAY THAT LOVE CAN SOUND O.K., IT’S GREAT, I AGREE I WISH I HAD A FELLER WHO WOULD SNUGGLE ME AROUND AND LET THAT SET WATCH ME!

I’M TIRED OF PROGRAMS ABOUT IT ALL DAY AND NIGHT WHO CARES IF THEY MAKE IT IN COLOR OR BLACK AND WHITE? TO HECK WITH HOW YOU VIEW IT OH WHEN CAN I FEEL ROMANCE THAT IS REAL WITH NO COMMERCIAL SCATTERED THRU IT WHEN AM I GONNA GET MY CHANCE TO DO IT?!

TAG AND SEGUE

SUMMER DRESSES

MAN SIX WHAT’S SO RARE AS A DAY IN JUNE? THEN, IF EVER, THE WORLD’S IN TUNE MISTER J. RUSSELL LOWELL SAID IT AND YOU HAVE TO GIVE THE OLD BOY CREDIT OH THE VERY AIR SEEMS TO SING HI-YA SUMMER AND GOODBYE SPRING AND IF YOU WILL ALL STEP THIS WAY FOLKS YOU CAN HAVE A SIGHT THAT’S BETTER THAN ANYTHING IN BAEDEKER ANY DAY, FOLKS BEATS THE SEVEN WONDERS OF THE SEVEN SEAS FROM THE HIMALAYAS TO THE HEBRIDES FROM THE TAJ MAHAL TO BALI AND PAREE COME AROUND AND SEE!

THE GIRLS IN THEIR GAY SUMMER DRESSES GO BY ON THE AVENUE WHILE JUNE’S LUCKY BREEZE BLOW CARESSES OH WHAT A PLEASURE TO VIEW THE LOVELY GIRLIES IN THEIR SWIRLY SUMMER DRESSES LIKE A RAINBOW RENDEZVOUS MY HEART SWELLS WITH PRIDE FOR RIGHT HERE BY MY SIDE THE PRIZE OF THEM ALL IS ON VIEW OF THE GIRLS IN THEIR GAY SUMMER DRESSES THE LOVELIEST ONE IS YOU

He and Girl dance. At the end of the dance, they stroll offstage left, passing the next performer who is entering.

DIRECT SEGUE

LOVE LETTER TO MANHATTAN

WOMAN TWO TRAVEL IS WONDERFUL EUROPE IS FINE LONDON WAS MAGNIFICENT ROME, VENICE, FLORENCE WERE DIVINE PARIS IS ALL THEY SAY IT IS THRILLING TO SEE FUNNY WITH BEAUTY ALL AROUND HOW LONELY YOU CAN BE

THERE’S A LOVE LETTER TO MANHATTAN THAT MY HEARTS KEEP WRITING EV’RY DAY WHAT’S THE WORD? HOW ARE THINGS, MANHATTAN? MISS YOU MORE THAN I KNOW HOW TO SAY MISS YOUR EYES BRIGHT WITH RAINBOW NEON MISS THE TOWERS YOU WEAR LIKE A CROWN THEY’LL NEVER BUILD ANOTHER LIKE YOU TILL THE SANDS OF TIME RUN DOWN TRULY YOURS, TILL WE MEET, MANHATTAN I’M IN LOVE WITH A WONDERFUL TOWN!

I REMEMBER YOU IN YOUR MORNING SMILE IN YOUR VEIL OF RAIN SHIMMERING DOWN IN YOUR COAT OF SNOW IN YOUR SPRINGTIME GLOW IN YOUR GLEAMING EVENING GOWN I HAVE THRILLED WITH YOU THRILLED IN PRIDE WITH YOU FELT YOUR LONELY SCORN AND BITTER CHILL I HAVE LAUGHED WITH YOU LAUGHED AND CRIED WITH YOU AND NO MATTER WHERE I GO YOU’RE WITH ME STILL!

Tempo bumps up and two boys enter to frame our singer during the remaining movement.

THE END

JUSTICE ON THE LAM By Arnold Auerbach & Herman Wouk

Sirens. Whistles. The Police Sergeant appears in a special at proscenium.

SERGEANT’S VOICE Calling all cops! Calling all cops! Be on the lookout for a fugitive from justice, Judge Peter J. McGillicudy. The Judge, under indictment for bribery, fled from his bench today and is reported to be hiding out in Central Park. Proceed to the park, men. Find Judge McGillicudy.

Lights up on traditional Central Park scene. Judge is hiding out. Cop passes by. Judge emerges.

JUDGE What a predicament. Caught in flagrante dilecto. This will set back Fordham law school twenty years.

Johnson rushes on and startles the Judge.

JOHNSON Your Honor! I’m glad I finally found you. Where have you been all day?

JUDGE Behind bushes, in bushes, under bushes. It’s been awful. The next man I see with a dog, I’m going to let him have it.

JOHNSON Your Honor, you don’t mean...

JUDGE Alas, yes, Johnson. Three times today I’ve been the victim of liquidation proceedings. What a comedown. I, Peter McGillicudy, M.A., Ph.D., L.L.D., and now just A.D.

JOHNSON A.D.?

JUDGE Avoiding doody. It’s humiliating.

JOHNSON Buck up, Your Honor! Us boys have a plan to save you. You see that Cadillac parked by the gate there?

JUDGE Yes.

BLESS YOU ALL (CROSSOVER)

As the actors in the prior sketch run off left, two dancing boys enter from right with brooms. They sing and swipe in one out left. A girl follows them. The boys return. It is a stylized routine.

ALL THREE (BREAKDOWN TBC) THANK THE LORD FOR PEOPLE LIKE YOU WHO LIKE TO SIT OUT THERE THANKS FOR WHAT IT IS THAT MAKES YOU COME TAKES YOU FROM YOUR EASY CHAIR AND CANASTA THANK YOU, MATER AND PATER FOR LOVING THE LEGITIMATE THE-AY-TER YOU’RE THE KIND THAT KEEPS SHOW BUSINESS FROM BECOMING NO BUSINESS SO EACH CURTAIN CALL WE SAY: “THANK YOU, SIR AND THANK YOU, MA’AM THANK YOU, SIR AND THANK YOU, MA’AM THANK YOU KINDLY SIR AND MA’AM AND BLESS YOU ALL!”

DIRECT SEGUE

A ROSE IS A ROSE

Boy appears with broom at proscenium as the prior entertainers exit. He begins to sing and goes into dance.

MAN SIX POETRY USU’LLY DOESN’T MEAN A SINGLE THING TO ME I GET ALONG WELL WITHOUT T.S. ELIOT I CAN DO FINE WITHOUT GERTRUDE STEIN EXCEPT SOMETIMES A LINE OR TWO ALL OF A SUDDEN MAKES ME THINK OF YOU

A ROSE IS A ROSE IS A ROSE IS A ROSE IF YOU SHOULD ASK ME THEN I SUPPOSE THAT MEANS THERE’S NOTHING QUITE LIKE A ROSE A DREAM IS A DREAM WHEN I DREAM ABOUT YOU NO WORDS OR PHRASES I EVER KNEW NO POETS PRAISES WILL EVER DO JUST LIKE A “ROSE IS A ROSE” IS TRUE DARLING YOU ARE YOU ARE YOU ARE YOU ARE YOU ARE YOU!

THE END

I CAN HEAR IT NOW

WOMAN TWO SOMETIMES FROM OUT THE PAST, A TOKEN BRINGS BACK WORDS SPOKEN LONG AGO YOU FIND A LONELY FADED SOUVENIR AND THEN YOU CAN HEAR AGAIN ALL THE OLD FAMILIAR SONGS CLEAR AS CLEAR AGAIN

I CAN HEAR IT NOW I CAN HEAR YOU SHYLY SAYING “LIKE TO DANCE?” THE BAND PLAYING: “WHO – STOLE MY HEART AWAY” I CAN SEE US NOW IN THE RUMBLE SEAT SO GAILY STRUMMING TO A UKELELE “YOU’RE THE CREAM IN MY COFFEE” I REMEMBER OUR FIRST KISS TO “WHY DO I LOVE YOU?” YOUR GRIN WHEN YOU GAVE ME YOUR PIN AND SANG “I CAN’T GIVE YOU ANYTHING BUT LOVE, BABY” I CAN HEAR IT NOW HEAR THEM SAY: “THE BRIDE IS COMING” DON’T KNOW WHY, BUT I WAS HUMMING “WITH A SONG IN MY HEART JUST AS CLEAR AS CLEAR I CAN HEAR IT NOW

I CAN HEAR IT NOW HEAR THE ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING YOUR VOICE BRAVELY SAYING “I DO” AS CLEAR AS CLEAR I CAN HEAR IT I CAN HEAR IT NOW

THE END

SOUTHERN FRIED CHEKHOV

Colonel Jasper and his alcoholic wife Emmy are reading their son’s latest novel. We are in the south. The Deep South.

EMMY (WOMAN THREE) “The old crone’s cackle pierced the gloom...Mirthless merriment amidst the stinking rot.”

JASPER (MAN THREE) Chapter Twelve. Our son is progressin’ nicely.

EMMY Isn’t it wonderful, Jasper? Another author in the family.

JASPER That’s our job, Emmaline. Our cotton may fail, and our tobacco – but down south, by God, we kin always grow book-writer.

EMMY But every year...bombardin’ the Yankees with novels, short stories, plays...it doesn’t seem fair to ‘em.

JASPER ‘course it does! It’s our way o’ gettin’ even for the Civil War.

EMMY Hmm. And it is a nice arrangement. We keep decayin’...the children keep writin’.

JASPER What a fall catalogue we’ll have. Jasper Junior, with Doubleday; Marmaduke with Random House; and Elmer, the little feller, with Reader’s Digest. If our confounded daughter would only...

EMMY Now, Jasper, control yourself.

JASPER How can I? I sat her down at a typewriter, dusted off the keys and invited her to throw a fit. For two hours I stood outside, but I didn’t hear a sound.

EMMY Maybe she was changing the ribbon.

JASPER Wishful thinkin’. When I finally peeked through the keyhole, what do you think she was doin’? Hemmin’ the goddamn curtains!

EMMY No!

JASPER Emmy, after all this time, we got us a curtain-hemmer. Our daughter, and not the least bit abnormal.

EMMY Give her a chance, Jasper. She’s still young.

JASPER She’s sixteen, mother. Let’s face it. Our Marybelle’s the white sheep of the family.

Marybelle enters skipping and laughing girlishly. She carries flowers.

MARY (WOMAN ONE) Ah declare, the magnolias are so fragrant! I jes’ never did see their like, sho nuf! Mummy! Daddy! Why aren’t you out o’ doors, sniffin’ the jasmine and trimmin’ the azalea bushes?

JASPER Gal doesn’t even talk basic English! (To Mary.) Time for you to git yo’ nose in the dung-heap! And write the right kind o’ writin’!

EMMY How else are you gonna be banned in Boston?

MARY I don’t want to be banned anywhere. Ah don’t even want to be published!

EMMY It’s enough to make a person sober.

JASPER I’ll hoss-whip her! So help me Clifton Fadiman.

MARY Ah don’t care. It’s time somebody started a trend. And that somebody is me!

DON’T WANNA WRITE ABOUT THE SOUTH

MARY (Cont’d) DON’T WANNA TO WRITE ABOUT THE SOUTH I DON’T WANNA!

JASPER & EMMY BUT, BABY, FOR HEAVEN’S SAKES!

MARY AIN’T GONNA WRITE ABOUT THE SOUTH I AIN’T GONNA!

JASPER & EMMY LOOK WHAT ERSKINE CALDWELL MAKES!

MARY THOUGH YOU MAY THINK I’M ACTING FORMAL I DON’T LIKE DECLINE AND DECAY I’D RATHER BE GROWING UP NORMAL SOUTH CA’LINA PLEASE TAKE IT AWAY!

JASPER & EMMY AY, AY, AY

MARY I’M NOT GONNA KNOCK I’M A BOOSTER KINDLY TELL THAT TO SIMON AND SHUSTER I’M GONNA SHUT MY MOUTH NOT WRITE A WORD ABOUT THE SOUTH-LAND DOWN BY THE DELTY

JASPER & EMMY HOW WE GONNA BREAK THE NEWS TO EUDORA WELTY?

MARY DON’T WANNA WRITE ABOUT THE SOUTH I DON’T WANNA!

JASPER & EMMY BUT, BABY, AT LEAST A PLAY!

MARY AIN’T GONNA WRITE ABOUT THE SOUTH I AIN’T GONNA!

JASPER & EMMY WHAT’LL TENNESSEE WILLIAMS SAY?!

MARY I’D RATHER NOT TATTLE ON MOTHER OR TELL WHAT PAW DOES LATE AT NIGHT OR LIST THE QUAINT HABITS OF BROTHER I SOMEHOW DON’T THINK IT’S POLITE

JASPER & EMMY KRAFT-EBING

MARY I WANT MY VIEWPOINT TO BE CHEERIER SOMEONE ELSE GO CUT DOWN THE WISTERIA I’M GONNA SHUT MY MOUTH NOT WRITE A WORD ABOUT THE SOUTH-LAND! I WON’T BE SLUTTY [SLUDDY]

JASPER & EMMY HOW WE GONNA BREAK THE NEWS TO TRUMAN CAPOTE?! [PUDDY]

MARY DON’T WANNA WRITE ABOUT THE SOUTH I DON’T WANNA!

JASPER & EMMY JUST THINK ABOUT HOLLYWOOD!

MARY AIN’T GONNA WRITE ABOUT THE SOUTH I AIN’T GONNA

JASPER & EMMY BUT, BABY, IT PAYS SO GOOD!

MARY YOU CAN KEEP YOUR OLD MANSION AND SHANTY YOUR COUSINS ROLLING IN HAY DON’T GIVE A DAMN WHO’S RAPING AUNTY NO MATTER HOW MUCH IT MIGHT PAY

JASPER & EMMY SWEET JESUS!

MARY PLEASE NOTIFY ALL BOOK REVIEWERS THAT THEY’LL HAVE ONE LESS TRIP TO THE SEWERS I’M GONNA SHUT MY MOUTH NOT WRITE A WORD ABOUT THE SOUTH-LAND!

JASPER & EMMY HEY, BABY

MARY SOUTH-LAND!

JASPER & EMMY SAY, BABY WON’T YOU CHANGE YOUR MIND?

MARY NO! NO! NO! NO!

ALL THREE I/SHE AIN’T GONNA WRITE ABOUT THE SOUTH!

THE END

T.V. OVER THE WHITE HOUSE

Lights up on the dressing room of presidential candidate Joseph G. Blow.

DAN (MAN FIVE) And remember, we’ve cut the foreign policy song and we took out the capital-and-labor dance. That means you segue right to the family sketch.

BLOW (MAN FOUR) I got it.

DAN Great. We go live in five minutes.

BLOW What a way to run for president! On an all-television campaign!

DAN Only way to do it, kid. Every voter has a television set. The candidates stay here in Radio City, the people sit home in their living rooms...and may the best profile win.

BLOW But for months now, a show every night. I don’t know if I’m Thomas Jefferson or Howdy Doody.

DAN Steady, boy. We’re coming down the stretch. This is the last show before Election. Once you’re in the White House, you can take a nice long vacation.

BLOW Huh! I was a lot happier as a Congressman. Then you fellows has to start that boom at the Convention: “Joseph Gabriel Blow, the Walking Dimple.”

DAN But think of the honor-the first president in history to get into Actor’s Equity.

BLOW Wish you’d let me purge these gagmen. (Mocking.) What a bit! Fulla belly laughs.

DAN I know they’re corny but they’re only filling in till we sign Paddy Chayefsky.

BLOW The way they spot the guest stars. We should never have had a Vishinski on the same show with Milton Berle.

DAN Well, who knew Milton would ad lib that hot-feet?

Fast-talking Broadway agent enters.

AGENT (WOMAN THREE) Hi, sweetheart.

BLOW Dammit, Sam, can’t you read the sign above the door? No agents allowed in the presidential dressing room.

AGENT But Joe, I got a new discovery. A terrific hunka talent. Make the greatest little Secretary of State you ever saw.

BLOW I told you to...Secretary of State, eh? There is a spot open there.

AGENT Wait till you see my boy. (Calling off.) C’mon in, sweetheart.

Enter a pompous windbag of a Senator

AGENT (Cont’d) Meet Senator Bascomb T. Willoughby. Sensational personality, ain’t he? I caught him at the crop control hearings – signed him right up. Make with the smile, kid. (Senator flashes a toothy grin.) See? Not a false tooth in his head! Looks great in Technicolor, too.

DAN What do you think, Joe?

BLOW Could be. Let’s hear him.

AGENT Check. (Senator prepares.) Now! Make out he’s coming over your video screen. (To Senator.) Give ‘em the acceptance routine, kid.

Blow and Dan appraise him like horse- dealers.

SENATOR My fellow-Americans, in assuming the onerous duties of this high office, I am fully aware of the noble traditions surrounding it.

DAN (To Blow.) Hmmm. Too fat.

BLOW Bad legs.

SENATOR I do not wish to be Secretary of State. I am content to serve my country in relative obscurity. But now that the call of duty has reached my ears, who am I to withstand its clarion summons?

Blow and Dan are looking at each other grimly.

SENATOR Therefore, it is with a humble heart and a grateful spirit that I accept this...

BLOW Sorry, Senator.

SENATOR Eh?

BLOW You’re not quite the type.

SENATOR (Crushed.) Please. I wasn’t in good voice today.

AGENT He killed ‘em at the Ways and Means Committee.

BLOW We’ll keep you in mind.

AGENT He could grow a moustache.

BLOW (Steering them out). Sorry. Come back in four years.

SENATOR I’ll take something smaller—Secretary of Agriculture.

Blow pushes him out.

AGENT We shoulda broken it in at Grossingers. (He leaves but pops back in again.) He can play the harmonica!

He hastens out again.

BLOW No wonder I can’t line up a cabinet. Who wants to pay that character ten percent?

ANNOUNCER (WOMAN FIVE) Two minutes! Onstage!

DAN This is it, kid. Give ‘em hell! (As they exit.) Gangway, everyone! The walking dimple rides again!

Blackout. We are now onstage.

ANNOUNCER (WOMAN FIVE) Good evening, folks. You’re going to have a high old time at our little telecast! You bet you are. So take off your shoes and enjoy the show ‘cause Joe Blow asks only one thing. That you sit back and relax. And after he’s elected, you can relax even more. Thank you. We wish to thank the makers of Vaseline Hair Tonic for giving us their time on the air.

Music in.

LOVE THAT MAN!

WOMAN FIVE LOVE THAT MAN! MY, OH MY! HOW I LOVE THAT MAN! SWEETIE PIE – HOW I LOVE HIS FACE LOVE HIS CLOTHES LOVE THE WAY HE WRINKLES THAT ROMAN NOSE UP

EAST AND WEST SOUTH AND NORTH SAY HE MEETS THE TEST BACK AND FORTH SAY HE IS THE BEST GUY MONEY CAN BUY

LOVE THAT GENT THAT FUTURE PRESIDENT LOVE THAT LOVELY MAN

Blow enters flanked by two boys.

BLOW HELLO AMERICA HELLO! THE NAME IS JOSEPH GABRIEL BLOW I’M HERE TO TELL EACH GOLDARN ONE OF YOU I LOVE YOU TOO TRULY I DO

LIKE A LITTLE INFANT LOVES ITS MOTHER LIKE A SIAMESE TWIN LOVES HIS BROTHER LIKE AN OCEAN LINER LOVES ITS RUDDER LIKE A BABY MOO COW LOVES ITS UDDER

ALL THREE LIKE A BANKER LOVES THE LOANS HE’S OWED ON LIKE A DRUNKARD LOVES TO GET A LOAD ON LIKE A JOCKEY LOVES HIS NAG TO WIN LIKE A GIN RUMMY PLAYER LOVES TO SAY GIN

BLOW THAT’S HOW I LOVE YOU ALL I WANT YOU TO KNOW HELLO AMERICA HELLO!

MEN ONE & TWO HELLO MISTER BLOW!

BLOW SHUCKS, FELLERS JUST CALL ME JOE

MEN ONE & TWO HELLO JOE!

LOVE THAT MAN! GOSH, OH GEE HOW I LOVE THAT MAN! GLORY BE HOW I LOVE HIS PEP LOVE HIS DASH LOVE HIS WAY HE’S ALWAYS SO DOG GONE BASHFUL!

WHAT A CHARM BABIES CRY FOR HIM ON THE FARM CORN IS HIGH FOR HIM HE’S THE BEST GUY MONEY CAN BUY

LOVE THAT GENT THAT FUTURE PRESIDENT LOVE THAT... LOVE THAT MAN!

Direct segue as blues singer appears.

VOTING BLUES

WOMAN FOUR THE SADDEST GIRL IN TOWN MY CASTLES TUMBLED DOWN FOR I FORGOT TO REGISTER SO I CAN’T VOTE FOR JOE!

I FEEL THE TEAR-DROPS START IT’S RAINING IN MY HEART FOR I FORGOT TO REGISTER

SO I CAN’T VOTE FOR JOE!

NOW YOU KNOW WHY I HIDE MY FACE WEARING A SIGH FOREVER GOT TO PASS BY THAT POLLING PLACE KNOWING I’LL NEVER PULL ON THAT LEVER FOR JOE

OH MISERY! THERE’S NOTHING LEFT FOR ME FOR I FORGOT TO REGISTER SO I CAN’T VOTE FOR JOE FOR JOE G. BLOW!

Blow and the Boys take the stage again.

STILL LOVE THAT MAN!

BLOW HELLO AMERICA HELLO! THE NAME IS JOSEPH GABRIEL BLOW I’M HERE TO TELL EACH GOLDARN ONE OF YOU I LOVE YOU TOO TRULY I DO

MEN ONE & TWO ALL ABOARD, ABOARD FOR THAT WASHINGTON EXPRESS ALL ABOARD, ABOARD FOR THE STATE OF HAPPINESS ALL ABOARD, ABOARD HEAR THAT WHISTLE SOUND! I KNOW THAT YOU FOLKS WON’T LET MY MAN DOWN!

BLOW THAT’S HOW I LOVE YOU ALL I WANT YOU TO KNOW HELLO AMERICA HELLO!

MEN ONE & TWO HELLO MISTER BLOW!

BLOW SHUCKS, FELLERS JUST CALL ME JOE

MEN ONE & TWO HELLO JOE!

LOVE THAT GENT THAT FUTURE PRESIDENT LOVE THAT... LOVE THAT MAN!

Tag and into next sequence.

ANNOUNCER Ladies and gentlemen, when you go to the polls next Tuesday, vote for Joseph Gabriel Blow! He is a man of the people, a man of honor...and above all else, our candidate is a family man. In fact, let’s drop in on a typical domestic scene between Joseph Blow and his charming wife.

Lights shift to home scene.

BLOW Jane, these home-made biscuits are wonderful. With all your charities and social work, you’re still a real home-body, mh-hm!

JANE (WOMAN THREE) And with all your affairs of state, you’re still an affectionate husband and father. Mh-hm!

BLOW Well, dear, what did my busy little housewife do last night?

JANE Oh, I pasted some recipes in my scrapbook. I darned some socks. Then I made some of that typical American Apple Butter you’re so crazy about.

Where is the jar of butter? Oh, there it is. “Typical American Apple Butter.”

BOTH (In relief) Mh-hm!

JANE And remember, Joseph, you said after you got elected, you’d buy little Billy a pup.

BLOW Of course, dear. But I may not get elected. I do have an opponent.

JANE Oh, that’s right dear. I keep forgetting there are two candidates?

BLOW It’s our American way.

JANE But Billy’s got a pup all picked out. He’s the cutest little terrier you ever saw! Suppose you lose the election?!

BLOW Don’t worry, dear. The people won’t let us down. They’ll help us honey folks make a living dream come true. After all, what do we

ask for? Just the plain, simple little things that bring happiness.

JUST A LITTLE WHITE HOUSE

BLOW (Cont’d) JUST A LITTLE WHITE HOUSE NEAR THE CAPITAL DOME THAT’S THE ONE PLACE WE LONG FOR TO BE HOME SWEET HOME WITH A LITTLE WHITE PORCH WHERE OUR JUNIOR CAN PLAY WHILE POP ROCKS WITH HIS SOCKS OFF AT THE CLOSE OF THE DAY

THOUGH WE KNOW IT’S COLD AND RATHER OLD AND THE PLUMBING MAY NOT DO STILL WE WANT TO GO TO ONE SIX OH OH PENNSYLVANIA AVENUE

TO THAT LITTLE WHITE HOUSE OH, HOW HAPPY WE’D BE POP AND MAMA TOGETHER AND BABY MAKES THREE!

JUST A LITTLE WHITE HOUSE

JANE I’LL BE BUSY YOU CAN BET

BLOW NEAR THE CAPITAL DOME

JANE COOKING FOR THE CABINET

BLOW THAT’S THE ONE PLACE WE LONG FOR

JANE OH JUST WAIT TILL THEY TRY

BLOW TO BE HOME SWEET HOME

JANE MY OPEN GOOSEBERRY PIE

BLOW WITH A LITTLE WHITE PORCH

JANE I CAN SEE YOU WITH YOUR BROOM

BLOW WHERE OUR JUNIOR CAN PLAY

JANE SWEEPING UP THE OVAL ROOM

BLOW WHILE POP ROCKS WITH HIS SOCKS OFF

JANE OH HOW PEACEFUL WHEN WE’VE CREPT IN

BLOW AT THE CLOSE OF THE DAY

JANE THE BED THAT HOOVER SLEPT IN

BOTH WITH JUST A FOUR YEAR LEASE THAT MIGHT INCREASE TO ANOTHER TERM OR TWO HOW WE’D LOVE IT SO AT ONE SIX OH OH PENNSYLVANIA AVENUE IN THAT LITTLE WHITE HOUSE TUMBLE DOWN WE DON’T CARE IS IT TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR WON’T YOU ALL SEND US THERE?

Tag and into next sequence.

BLOW And now for our monster giveaway feature: Stop the Politics! Stand by your telephones, Mr. and Mrs. Citizen! Even now our operators are trying to contact one lucky voter who will receive absolutely free, gratis and for nothing the most staggering array of prizes every awarded!

ANNOUNCER Mr. Blow, we’re ready with the call. Mr. Grover Tittle of Adam’s Apple, Wisconsin!

BLOW Hello, there, Mr. Tittle! This is Joe G. Blow calling from Stop the Politics! Listen to your question. Now, you have to get two out of three. What are the colors of the American flag? Red is correct! Just one more, now. Yes, I’ll wait. (To audience.) Isn’t that cute? He’s gone to ask the little boy. (Phone.) What’s that? Blue is correct! And white! Isn’t that wonderful, folks? He only had to name two colors, and he got all three! (Phone.) Congratulations, Mr. Tittle! What’s your occupation? Lawyer? Oh, you’re a lucky fellow. That just fits in with that I had in mind. Mr. Grover Tittle, of Adam’s Apple, Wisconsin, you are going to be my first appointment to the United States Supreme Court!

Furthermore, we are sending you absolutely free, a handsome, hand-carved, knotty pine, all-purpose gavel! As well as a form- fitting, Brooks Brothers, exclusively tailored mink-lined judge’s robe! Please hold the line for further details! (Accent.) But seriously, folks... (Accent.) I want to sum up the main points of my campaign: Low Budget! (Accent.) Socialized Medicine! (Accent.) Stabilized Currency! (Accent.) National Defense! (Accent.) And Atomic Energy!

LOVE THAT MAN! (REPRISE)

MEN ONE & TWO LOVE THAT MAN! GOSH, OH GEE HOW I LOVE THAT MAN! GLORY BE HOW I LOVE HIS PEP LOVE HIS DASH LOVE HIS WAY HE’S ALWAYS SO DOG GONE BASHFUL!

WHAT A CHARM BABIES CRY FOR HIM ON THE FARM CORN IS HIGH FOR HIM HE’S THE BEST GUY MONEY CAN BUY

LOVE THAT GENT THAT FUTURE PRESIDENT LOVE THAT... LOVE THAT MAN!

THE END

TAKE OFF THE COAT

WOMAN TWO HE’S LATE, I KNOW, I KNOW BUT OH, HE’LL BE HERE SOON THIS TIME I’LL MAKE HIM STAY TAKE CARE AND NOT SCARE HIM AWAY I’LL BE SO FREE AND EASY AS I SAY:

TAKE OFF THE COAT MY FRIEND TAKE OFF THE COAT AND MAKE YOURSELF AT HOME MY VERY GOOD FRIEND SET YOURSELF DOWN A BIT TELL ME WHAT’S NEW WHILE I WARM MY COLD AND HUNGRY HEART AT THE SIGHT OF YOU

Man Six & Woman Five enter and dance.

WHAT’S IN THE AIR MY FRIEND? WHAT’S IN THE AIR THAT TAKES THE BREATH AWAY MY VERY GOOD FRIEND? IF THIS IS LOVE AT LAST PLEASE DON’T LET IT END TAKE OFF THE COAT MY FRIEND

Dance break.

TALK ME SOME TALK MY FRIEND TALK ME SOME TALK WE’LL HAVE A HEART TO HEART MY VERY GOOD FRIEND LET’S NOT CONCERN OURSELVES WITH HOW IT WILL END TAKE OFF THE COAT...

LET’S NOT CONCERN OURSELVES WITH HOW IT WILL END TAKE OFF THE COAT MY FRIEND

THE END

THE ROARING TWENTIES STRIKE BACK

ALL THREE CHARLESTON! CHARLESTON! BOY, AIN’T WE CUTE! CHARLESTON! CHARLESTON! HEY! ROOTY TOOT! HOT CHA! HOT CHA! RED HOT MOMMAS WE’RE THE BEE’S KNEES CAT’S PAJAMAS BLACK BOTTOM DOO-WACK-A-DOO BLACK BOTTOM POOP A DOO TOO HAVE YOUR LAUGHS AT THEM TODAY BUT THOSE FOLKS FROM THE TWENTIES HAD PLENTY TO...DANCE!

They dance. Dance. Dance. Dance. Dance. This is a dance specialty. A delicious homage to the roaring twenties.

THE END

WITHOUT RESERVATIONS

Lights up on the lobby of 22, a swanky New York restaurant on east 52nd Street. At rise, a gay party chattering guests are obsequiously ushered in to a dining-room by Pierre, the maitre’d. Harry Cooper enters cheerfully from street.

PIERRE Yes, Sir?

HARRY Good evening. I have a table for two. Harry Cooper.

PIERRE I’m sorry, sir. I have no reservation for Harry Cooper.

HARRY That’s funny. This is 22, isn’t it?

PIERRE Yes, sir.

HARRY Well, I booked a table myself. Called up yesterday afternoon about three.

PIERRE Oh, I see. There’s a slight misunderstanding. At 3 o’clock I took a reservation for Gary Cooper.

HARRY Oh. Ha-ha-ha. Gary Cooper. And I’m Harry Cooper. Practically the same thing. Except I don’t have a horse. Ha-ha-ha. Well, now that everything’s straightened out, I’ll...

He starts to enter the dining room.

PIERRE Just a moment, sir.

HARRY Eh?

PIERRE No one can enter 22 without reservations.

HARRY But I’ve got a reservation. You got the name wrong that’s all.

PIERRE I’m sorry, sir. Gary Cooper is 22 caliber. You, sir, are a typographical error.

He turns away loftily.

HARRY Hey!

Pierre ignores him. Harry whistles shrilly through his teeth. No response. Getting an idea, Harry peels a bill from his roll and walks around to Pierre, extending it.

PIERRE Thank you, sir. (Pockets bill.) Goodbye.

HARRY What about my table?

PIERRE It’s all ready for you. At Schrafft’s.

Harry Now look, Buster.

He grabs Pierre’s arm angrily.

PIERRE I warn you, sir. I’m the Judo champion of 52nd Street.

HARRY So what, dammit! I’m one of the leading buyers of women’s wear in all Schenectady! And I’m very well-liked!

PIERRE My dear sir. To be admitted to 22, one must be a person of consequence. Look-Ernest Hemingway, Gertrude Lawrence, Red Skeleton’s brother-in-law...

HARRY Well, I’m as consequential as they are! Downtown they call me the Rosselini of the garment center. (Pierre shrugs and turns away) Listen, pal, this girl I’m expecting. She’s been brushin’ me off for weeks! I only got the date ‘cause I promised to take her here. I gotta get a table-understand?

He peels off a bill from his roll. Pierre looks at him coldly, and he keeps peeling till Pierre unbends.

PIERRE (Taking money.) In view of the circumstances...I’ll call the Character Committee Chairman.

Rings a little bell on his desk.

HARRY (Dashed.) Thanks. Anyway...no loyalty test.

An elegant gentleman enters.

PIERRE Sir, I have a candidate for admission. (To Harry.) This is Francois...headwaiter emeritus. (To Francois.) A Mr. Cooper, from Schenectady.

FRANCOIS (Suddenly.) Say something funny.

HARRY Huh?

PIERRE A guest of 22 must be capable of brilliant epigrams. Give the committee a sample.

HARRY Well, I...uh...one day last week, Mr. Hackenschmidt, he’s one of the Jr. vice-presidents...had on a new suit. And I said to him...Oh, I forgot to tell you, he’s kind of fat. Anyway, I said to him...this is very funny if you know Horace J. Hackenschmidt...I said, “Where’d you get that suit? Lane Bryant?”

Laughs heartily. Under their stony gaze, his laughter dies.

PIERRE (To Francois.) We’ll proceed with social background.

HARRY Oh, I got plenty o’ that stuff. My family’s lived in Schenectady since 17 hundred sixty...

PIERRE We judge by “22” standards.

FRANCOIS Ever had your name in Winchell’s column?

HARRY No.

FRANCOIS Ever been divorced?

HARRY No.

FRANCOIS Been slugged by Humphrey Bogart?

HARRY No!

PIERRE Definitely the Schrafft’s type. Next phase. Fads and foibles.

FRANCOIS Do you paint?

HARRY No!

FRANCOIS Play charades?

HARRY No!

FRANCOIS Who’s your psychoanalyst?

HARRY I haven’t got one! I’ve never been psychoanalyzed!

PIERRE (Aghast.) Practically a virgin.

HARRY Look, I’ll get psychoanalyzed after dinner. Please! Gloria’ll be here any minute, and...

PIERRE Francois, have you reached a verdict?

He nods grimly. Thumbs down. Pierre nods, motions offstage. Enter a burly-looking bouncer, with pistol in holster. As bouncer approaches Harry, latter gets desperate.

HARRY No! No! If I don’t get a table, Gloria’ll walk out on me! Don’t send me... (To the grille.) Behind the iron curtain! Please! I’ll order the most expensive dishes in your joint! And I won’t even touch ‘em! You can send ‘em back and sell ‘em all over again!

They ignore him. He runs from one to the other, blubbering.

HARRY (Cont’d) Fellers! Have a heart! I’ll do anything! I’ll wash my own dishes! (Grovels before Pierre.) Your Excellency! You can seat me near the radiator! On the radiator! In front of the men’s room! In the...

PIERRE No!

Enter Gloria, a flashily-dressed girl.

GLORIA Sorry I’m late butchkie, I... (Noting his disheveled state.) You loaded already?

HARRY No! I’ve been trying to get into the dining-room, but this guy...

GLORIA I shoulda known. He won’t give you a table. After I been starvin’ myself for two days! Well, if you can’t get me into 22, I’ll find me someone who can!

She starts to leave.

HARRY (To Pierre, furiously.) There goes the best-looking model on 38th Street! Okay! You asked for it!

Beside himself with rage, he wrenches the bouncer’s gun from its holster and shoots Pierre, who staggers and falls.

ALL Pierre! What happened? He’s badly hurt! Get a doctor!

HARRY I did it! Ha-ha-ha! But you won’t get me alive!

He shoots himself, falls, as more people rush on from dining-room, including a doctor, who runs first to Pierre, then Harry, examines them. Among newcomers are a columnist, pad and pencil out.

ALL This is terrible! Horrible! Who is he? Etc.

GLORIA He couldn’t get a table! So he shot him. Then himself! Oh, Butchkie!

She sobs hysterically.

DOCTOR It’s hopeless. They’re both dying.

COLUMNIST (To Gloria.) What’s his name, honey?

GLORIA Harry Cooper. He’s from Schenectady.

COLUMNIST Harry Cooper...Schenectady. Let’s go, Sam. Boy, what a story! Front page stuff!

PIERRE (To columnist.) Did you say...front page story?

COLUMNIST Damn right. By tomorrow this guy’ll be famous.

PIERRE Did you say...famous?

COLUMNIST Damn right!

PIERRE (To Harry.) Sir, your table is ready.

Blackout.

THE END

YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT HIT YOU

WOMAN FOUR LOVE! LOVE! YOU CAN FIND IT IN THE HEADLINES YOU CAN GOSSIP IT ALL DAY FROM SOAP OPERAS UPON THE AIR YOU CAN GET IT PLAY BY PLAY YOU CAN SING IT IN YOUR BALLADS YOU CAN READ IT IN YOUR BOOKS YOU CAN SIT IN AIR-COOLED MOVIES AND SEE JUST HOW IT LOOKS BUT GOSH WHEN LOVE STARTS COOKIN’ IT’S NOT THE SAME AS LOOKIN’ ONE MINUTE YOU THINK YOU CAN’T BE TOOK THE NEXT MINUTE YOU ARE TOOKEN! BEFORE YOU SHOW A SIGN OF DIZZINESS LOVE HAS SNUCK UP FROM BEHIND LIKE A DIRTY CAD AND GIVEN YOU THE BUSINESS!

BEFORE A CLOUD BURST YOU CAN SEE THE DARK CLOUDS THEY WARN YOU OF A STORM DUE FROM ABOVE AND WATCH DOGS IN THE NIGHT WILL BARK BEFORE THEY BITE BUT YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT HIT YOU WHEN IT’S LOVE! ONE MINUTE YOU ARE CAREFREE SO DEBONAIRE AND GAY THEN YOU REACH FOR YOUR HEART AND FIND WITH A START IT HAS BEEN STOLEN AWAY! A TAXI BLOWS ITS HORN BEFORE IT HITS YOU THE PITCHER WINDS UP FIRST THEN THROWS THE BALL THE LEADER LIFTS HIS HAND AND THEN YOU HEAR THE BAND BUT YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT HIT YOU AT ALL WHEN YOU FALL IN LOVE!

OUT IN THE NORTHWEST, LUMBERMEN YELL “TIMBER” WHEN TREES COME CRASHING DOWN FROM UP ABOVE YOU GET A CHANCE AT BAIL BEFORE YOU LAND IN JAIL BUT YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT HIT YOU WHEN IT’S LOVE YOU’RE SITTING LIKE A BANKER UP WHERE THE RITZY CLASS SITS THEN LOVE LANDS WITH A CLANK GOODBYE TO YOUR BANK DON’T KNOW YOUR DEBITS FROM YOUR ASSETS EXPECTANT PARENTS HAVE TIME TO GET READY THEY GET A HINT BEFORE THE STORK WILL CALL AND THEN THEY HAVE TO WAIT TILL WINCHELL SETS THE DATE BUT YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT HIT YOU AT ALL WHEN YOU FALL IN LOVE!

A PIGEON HAS TO DO SOME BILL AND COOING BEFORE HE GETS TO FIRST BASE WITH A DOVE THE HORSES THUNDER PAST BEFORE YOURS COMES IN LAST BUT YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT HIT YOU WHEN IT’S LOVE ONE MINUTE YOU’RE THE RIDER SO EASY IN THE SADDLE VERY COSY AND SURE THE NEXT MINUTE YOU’RE UP THE CREEK WITHOUT A PADDLE! A WOLF INVITES A GIRL TO SEE HIS ETCHINGS BEFORE HE TRIES TO MAKE HER GIVE HER ALL THE HOUSE DICK KNOCKS BEFORE HE BREAKS THE HOTEL DOOR BUT YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT HIT YOU AT ALL WHEN YOU FALL IN LOVE!

THE END

FINALE (BLESS YOU ALL)

WOMAN ONE YOU’RE THE KIND THAT KEEPS SHOW BUSINESS FROM BECOMING NO BUSINESS SO EACH CURTAIN CALL WE SAY:

ALL THREE “THANK YOU, SIR AND THANK YOU, MA’AM THANK YOU, SIR AND THANK YOU, MA’AM THANK YOU KINDLY SIR AND MA’AM AND... FAREWELL! FAREWELL! ADIEU! ADIEU! SO LONG! SO LONG! TOODLE-OO! TOODLE-OO! CHEERIO! CHEERIO! TA-TA! TA-TA! PIP-PIP! PIP-PIP! AU REVOIR! AU REVOIR! GOODBYE! GOODBYE! AND BLESS YOU... ALL!”

Curtain.

END OF PLAY