Book by Shubert Fendrich Music and Lyrics by George M. Cohan

© Copyright 1981, Pioneer Drama Service, Inc.

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On all programs, printing, and advertising, the following information must appear: 1. The full title: Give My Regards to Broadway 2. Writing credit: Book by Shubert Fendrich, music and lyrics by George M. Cohan 3. Publication notice: “Produced by special arrangement with Pioneer Drama Service, Denver, Colorado” GIVE MY REGARDS TO BROADWAY GIVE MY REGARDS TO BROADWAY PROPS CAST OF CHARACTERS CAST OF CHARACTERS Sack Lunches (TRIXIE, HILDA) (In Order Of Appearance) (In Order Of Appearance) Handbag with letter (MARY) Sheet of paper (FLOSSIE) DICK FOSTER Director EDDIE COWLES # of lines Money (DICK) Pianist TRIXIE Chorus girl, friend of Legs DICK FOSTER ...... Director 158 List, pictures (BABS) BETTY Chrous girl, friend of Eddie EDDIE COWLES...... Pianist 104 Suitcase (MILLIE) FLOSSIE Chorus girl TRIXIE...... Chorus girl, friend of Legs 79 Briefcase with check (DONALD) SUZIE Chorus girl Handguns (MUGSY, BABS) CONNIE Chorus girl BETTY...... Chorus girl, friend of Eddie 50 HILDA Chorus girl Flags, decorations, miscellaneous props FLOSSIE ...... Chorus girl 21 MONA MONROE Broadway star (EDDIE, BETTY, MILLIE, SUZIE) MARY COLLINS Aspiring actress SUZIE...... Chorus girl 10 Newspaper (DONALD) LEGS RUBY Bookie CONNIE ...... Chorus girl 17 Two coffee cups (MILLIE) MILl.a,IE Attractive girl, Betty's niece MUGSY Gangster "hit man" HILDA...... Chorus girl 10 Coffee cups (CAST) BABS His "moll" MONA MONROE ...... Broadway star 30 Military rifles (DICK, EDDIE, LEGS) DONALD HARPER "Harvard man" Hospital gown, arm sling (DICK) MARY COLLINS...... Aspiring actress 81 TIME: The present LEGS RUBY...... Bookie 81 PRODUCTION NOTES PLACE: The stage of an off-Broadway theatre MILLIE...... Attractive girl, Betty's niece 41 MUGSY ...... Gangster "hit man" 30 The set calls for a piano on stage for EDDIE. This may BABS...... His "moll" 11 be a practical piano (one that plays) or a set piece where SEQUENCE OF MUSICAL NUMBERS EDDIE can sit and mime playing. Either way, the key- DONALD HARPER ...... "Harvard man" 35 board should be placed away from the audience so EDDIE ACT ONE TIME: The present can be seen and give the impression of playing while the GIVE MY REGARDS TO BROADWAY ...... Chorus regular pianist handles the actual music. FORTY-FIVE MINUTES FROM BROADWAY .. Dick Mary PLACE: The stage of an Off-Broadway theatre THE YANKEE DOODLE BOY ...... Legs, Trixie ACT TWO, Scene Two is a set of three very brief scenes VIRGINIA SONG ...... Betty SEQUENCE OF MUSICAL NUMBERS LIFE'S A FUNNY PROPOSITION AFTER ALL . Eddie, Legs, Chorus and should be virtually continuous, one running into the next. FORTY-FIVE MINUTES FROM BROADWAY · ACT ONE Throughout this portion of the "play within a play" the REPRISE ...... Mary GIVE MY REGARDS TO BROADWAY ...... Chorus illusion should be theatrical rather than realistic. A good FORTY-FIVE MINUTES FROM BROADWAY.....Dick, Mary deal of rushing about, confusion and ad libs between the ACT TWO THE YANKEE DOODLE BOY...... Legs, Trixie cast should be used to assure the audience that they are, indeed, seeing the "play within a play". Recorded IT'S A GRAND OLD FLAG/THE YANKEE VIRGINIA SONG...... Betty DOODLE BOY ...... Mary, Millie, Legs, applause may be added over the s'ound system to heighten Chorus LIFE'S A FUNNY PROPOSITION AFTER ALL. ..Eddie, Legs, this illusion. LIFE'S A FUNNY PROPOSITION AFTER ALL · Chorus REPRISE ...... Mary FORTY-FIVE MINUTES FROM BROADWAY SO LONG MARY ...... Mary, Chorus * WHEN JOHNNY COMES MARCHING REPRISE ...... Mary HOME AGAIN .....•...... ; ...... Chorus IT'S A GRAND OLD FLAG ...... Legs, Oick, Eddie ACT TWO MARY'S· A GRAND OLD NAME ...... Mary, Hilda, Suzie, IT'S A GRAND OLD FLAG/THE YANKEE Flossie, Connie FINALE - GIVE MY REGARDS TO DOODLE BOY...... Mary, Millie, Legs, BROADWAY ...... Company Chorus *Music by Louis Lambert 35 ii 35 For Preview Only GIVE MY REGARDS TO BROADWAY Tell all the gang at Forty-Second Street that I will soon be LIFE'S A FUNNY PROPOSITION AFTER ALL ACT ONE there; REPRISE ...... Mary Scene One Whisper of how I'm yearning to mingle with the old time SO LONG MARY...... Mary, Chorus throng; *WHEN JOHNNY COMES MARCHING Give my regards to old Broadway and say that I'll be SETTING: A bare stage with miscellaneous flats and work materials there HOME AGAIN...... Chorus e'er long. about. Give my regards to old Broadway and say that I'll be there IT'S A GRAND OLD FLAG...... Legs, Dick, Eddie e'er long. MARY'S A GRAND OLD NAME...... Mary, Hilda, Suzie, EDDIE COWLES is playing the piano, STAGE LEFT. AT RISE: Flossie, Connie A small chorus of about six girls in rehearsal clothes is running CURTAIN through a song and dance number. DICK FOSTER, the director, FINALE—GIVE MY REGARDS TO is watching from DOWN RIGHT. BROADWAY...... Company *Music by Louis Lambert CHORUS GIRLS: (Sing. GIVE MY REGARDS TO BROADWAY.) Give my regards to Broadway, remember me to Herald Square. Tell all the gang at Forty-Second Street that I will soon be there. Whisper of how I'm yearning to mingle with the old time throng; Give my regards to old Broadway and say that I'll be there e'er long. {THEY wrap up the song with a flourish.) DICK: All right, girls, that's not bad. Trixie, you need to kick a Iittle higher. And Betty, try to straighten up the Iine a bit. Now let's take a one hour break for lunch and we'll see you all back here at one. TRIXIE: Okay, but when you gonna get some heat in here? BETTY: Yeah, it's so cold my goose bumps are frozen. I gotta iron them out every night! FLOSSIE: When my mother warned me about the theatre, she didn't say anything about frostbite. SUZIE: When you design the costumes, pick something that goes with blue. I don't want it to clash with my skin. DICK: When you're all rich and famous, you'll laugh about this. CONNIE: Those of us that survive, anyhow. FLOSSIE: Let's get some hot coffee, Maybe that will help. CONNIE: 'How about the place across the street? BETTY: Their food is terrible! It tastes like sawdust. FLOSSIE: Yeah ...but they give second helpings free. SUZIE: And their thermostat is high. We might actually thaw out in an hour. CONNIE: That's all the recommendation I need. Let's go. TRIXIE: (Getting a paper bag.) I'm brown bagging it today. HI LOA: Me, too. With the cost of rent around here, I can't afford to go out. TRIXIE: If it gets any higher, we'll have to make sandwiches out of the bag. SUZIE: Well, we'll see you later, then. {SUZIE, CONNIE and 34 iii 34 For Preview Only MARY: Look ... (Takes out letter from handbag.) I brought (HILDA, SUZIE, FLOSSIE and CONNIE, also dressed as nurses, GIVE MY REGARDS TO BROADWAY Tell all the gang at Forty-Second Street that I will soon be you a letter of recommendation. (Hands him letter.) It's join MARY in spotlight for CHORUS:) ACT ONE there; from my drama coach. For it's Mary, Mary, plain as any name can be; Scene One Whisper of how I'm yearning to mingle with the old time DICK: (Takes letter, reads it.) Very good. You've had a lot of But with propriety, society will say Marie. throng; amateur experience. it was Mary, Mary, long before the fashions came. Give my regards to old Broadway and say that I'll be But SETTING: A bare stage with miscellaneous flats and work materials there MARY: Oh, yes. And you know my drama coach, of course. e'er long. And there is something there that sounds so fair, about. DICK: Phyllis Jones. It's not exactly a household name. (Hands It's a grand old name. (BLACKOUT.) Give my regards to old Broadway and say that I'll be there letter back.) e'er long. (There is the sound of applause. Members of cast hurry about, AT RISE: EDDIE COWLES is playing the piano, STAGE LEFT. But she's a good friend of your uncle's psychiatrist. She MARY: putting up flats, a few tables and chairs representing the "day A small chorus of about six girls in rehearsal clothes is running was sure you'd remember her. CURTAIN room" of the hospital. MARY and DICK carry off cot and through a song and dance number. DICK FOSTER, the director, DICK: I didn't know my uncle had a psychiatrist. I just knew RE-ENTER. DICK now wears a robe and is struggling to put a is watching from DOWN RIGHT. he needed one. "sling" on his injured arm. {)/CK and MARY are obviously MARY: (Crestfallen.) You're not very impressed, are you? holding a quick "between scenes" conversation.) CHORUS GIRLS: (Sing. GIVE MY REGARDS TO BROADWAY.) Look, kid. Out there is a street called Broadway. It DICK: DI CK: Listen to that applause. They love you! Give my regards to Broadway, remember me to Herald Square. could just as well be called the street of broken dreams and MARY: Only one more scene to go. The Finale. Tell all the gang at Forty-Second Street that I will soon be lonely hearts. DI CK: And I love you, too. there. MARY: That would be a funny name for a street. MARY: (Helping him with sling.) Here, let me help you with ... Whisper of how I'm yearning to mingle with the old time DICK: Hundreds of kids like you come here every day .. , to what did you say? throng; New York . . to the Big Apple. Kids with talent, good looks, DICK: I said, "I love you, too". Give my regards to old Broadway and say that I'll be there ambition ...all wanting the same thing. Success, adulation, MARY: That's not a line, is it? e'er long. recognition. DICK: A what? {THEY wrap up the song with a flourish.) MARY: I'm willing to work hard. MARY: A line from the show, I mean. DICK: All right, girls, that's not bad. Trixie, you need to kick a DICK: Of course you are. They all are! Hoping for their big DICK: No, this· is ME talking. I'm proposing. Well ... what do Iittle higher. And Betty, try to straighten up the Iine a bit. chance. Tell me, where are you from. Nebraska? Colorado? you say? Now let's take a one hour break for lunch and we'll see you all California? (CAST with possible exceptions of MUGSY, BABS and MONA, back here at one. MARY: New Rochelle. begin taking their places for the Finale.) TRIXIE: Okay, but when you gonna get some heat in here? DICK: New Rochelle? EDDIE: Places, everyone! (Busies himself with stage arrangements.) BETTY: Yeah, it's so cold my goose bumps are frozen. I gotta MARY: So what's wrong with New Rochelle? MARY: I don't know what to say, except ...yes! iron them out every night! DICK: Nothing . .. but whether it's California, Colorado or New EDDIE: (Calls to MARY, DICK.) Hey, hurry up, will you? FLOSSIE: When my mother warned me about the theatre, she Rochelle . . .it doesn't make any difference. They're just not (Lights come up on entire set, MEN are dressed as soldiers or didn't say anything about frostbite. New York. in hospital garb. WOMEN are dressed as nurses, Red Cross SUZIE: When you design the costumes, pick something that goes MARY: What do you mean? New Rochelle is less than an hour workers or in period dress. EDDIE and LEGS rush in, still with blue. I don't want it to clash with my skin. from here. wearing their uniforms.) DICK: When you're all rich and famous, you'll laugh about this. DICK: That's right, it's only about 45 minutes. But what a EDDIE: (Playing his part. To one of the nurses.) Pardon me, but I CONNIE: Those of us that survive, anyhow. difference that makes. (TRIXIE and HILDA step forward to hear you got one of our buddies locked up here. FLOSSIE: Let's get some hot coffee, Maybe that will help. join in song. DICK sings: FORTY-FIVE MINUTES FROM SUZIE: Was he wounded? CONNIE: 'How about the place across the street? BROADWAY.) LEGS: Wounded? He was shot to ...well, pretty badly. BETTY: Their food is terrible! It tastes like sawdust. The West so they say is a land far away, DICK: (MOVING CENTER STAGE.) Hey, buddy, over here! It's FLOSSIE: Yeah ...but they give second helpings free. Where actors put talent behind them. me! I'm okay. SUZIE: And their thermostat is high. We might actually thaw This may all be, but just take it from me, you don't have EDDIE: (Rushing to DICK, embracing him.) Were we ever worried out in an hour. to go out West to find them. about you! CONNIE: That's all the recommendation I need. Let's go. If you want to see a real fine congregation, the place where LEGS: We tried to get back after the attack, but ... TRIXIE: (Getting a paper bag.) I'm brown bagging it today. real amateurs dwell. DICK: I know. Your unit was cut off. I've been asking everyone HI LOA: Me, too. With the cost of rent around here, I can't afford to go out. Just hop on a train at the Grand Central Station, get off who came in about you. TRIXIE: If it gets any higher, we'll have to make sandwiches when they shout, "New Rochelle". LEGS: Well, you can stop asking now. We did what we came out of the bag. over to do. SUZIE: Well, we'll see you later, then. {SUZIE, CONNIE and 32 1 34 3 32 For Preview Only EDD IE: We whipped the Kaiser good. The war is over. FLOSSIE EXIT. HILDA and TRIXIE put on coats, retreat LEGS: We'll get you to the rear where you'll be safe. DICK, TRIXIE, HILDA: (Sing Chorus.) LEGS: Now we're headed home! to back of stage and take out sandwiches from bags.) DICK: I'll be all right. You guys ...go ahead. Remember Only forty-five minutes from Broadway, think of the changes DICK: Headed home? Hey, that's great news! I want you to meet BETTY: (Turns to EDDIE at piano.) How about you, Eddie? we got to whip the Kaiser and get home. it brings; a friend of mine. This is Mary. If it wasn't for her, don't know Aren't you hungry? EDDIE: We'll get him, all right. We'll get him. (THEY start For the short time it takes, what a difference it makes in if 1 'd have pulled through. EDDIE: Sure. (Holds out hands with fingers slightly curled.) forward. Lights are flashing. Then BLACKOUT. Sound of the ways of the people and things. MARY: Glad to meet you. But don't pay any attention to him. But could you help straighten out my fingers before I go? gunfire continues. SPOTLIGHT comes up on MARY, dressed DICK: (Sings.) He's giving me more credit than I deserve. DICK: Come on! It's not that cold. in a World War I nurse's uniform. Sound of gunfire ceases. Oh! What a great bunch of actors, oh! What a fine EDD IE: I should have known. We're out there fighting and he EDDIE: Then why am I learning how to play the piano with During Mary's brief speech, DICK makes a quick change into a atmosphere. gets the prettiest nurse in the army. gloves?! white hospital gown, climbs into a small hospital bed or cot It's amateur's day, and imagine Broadway only forty-five MARY: I just wish he was well enough to go home with you. DICK: We've been working together a long time. You've got to placed on the stage, horizontal to the Audience.) minutes from here. But he'll have to stay here at the hospital a little longer. have faith. MARY: (To Audience.) Will it ever end? The fighting, the MARY: I don't have to stay here and be insulted. I can go LEGS: He's gonna be okay. That's the main thing. EDDIE: All right ...but whatever happened to hope and charity? maiming, the killing? Every time there's a new offensive, they anywhere. EDDIE: Can we do anything for you when we get home? DICK: Hope and charity! They just opened a new musical out of come in by the truckload. We patch them up, and send them DICK: Don't take it personally. It's just that ...well . if DICK: You sure can. Just one thing. town. out to fight again. Except, (With true emotion.) except when you want to make it in theatre, it's got to be on Broadway. EDDIE: Name it. EDDIE: Seriously, this is a good show, but how are you going to we're too late, or when there's nothing we can do. (Lights MARY: Maybe so, but that doesn't tnean all the talen.t is here. DICK: Give my regards to Broadway. get it off the ground? You don't have any money, and you now come up on DICK'S cot. He is obviously delirious.) There's a lot of good people all over the country, and a lot of LEGS: We'll take care of it, personal-like. don't even have a leading lady. DICK: (Slowly awakening.) Where am I? Am I dead? (Sees them nicer than the ones I've met here, too. (Sings: FORTY­ DICK: Am I ever going to miss you two. (Sings: REPRISE- DICK: That's where you're wrong. Do you know Mona Monroe? MARY near the cot.) Are you an angel? FIVE MINUTES FROM BROADWAY.) GIVE MY REGARDS TO BROADWAY.) BETTY: Mona Monroe! She's playing the lead in that revival of MARY: Hardly that, I'm afraid. They just brought you in. I The West, you may say, is a land far away, where actors Did you ever see Doughboys part upon a foreign shore, ANNIE! It's the hottest ticket in town. heard your unit was cut off, and you lay on the battlefield for put talent behind them. When the good ship's just about to start for old New York DICK: But she outgrew the part. You can't stay fourteen forever. two days. This may all be, but just take it from me, you'll never get EDDIE: How old is she? once more? DICK: Then ... this is a hospital. out there to find them. With tear-dimmed eye we say goodbye; we're friends without DICK: Thirty-one. MARY: Yes, and I'm a nurse. We're going to do everything we If you want to see a real fine delegation of people who really a doubt. EDDIE: I see what you mean. can for you. are swell, When the man on the pier shouts, "Let them clear", as the DICK: As soon as we sign Mona for the lead, we'll get the back- DICK: (Clutching his bandaged arm.) My arm. I'm ...I'm Just hop on a train at the Grand Central Station, get off ship sails out. ing we need. We'll be able to buy costumes, scenery, advertising . . . when they shout, "New Rochelle". CHORUS: (Sings.) getting dizzy. BETTY: Lights . . .heat .. .water . . . MARY: (Takes his good hand.) Steady, soldier. You'll be all MARY, TRIXIE, HILDA: (Sing.) Give my regards to Broadway, remember me to Herald Square. DICK: We've just got to hold down expenses for now. Mona's Only forty-five minutes from Broadway, think of the changes Tell all the gang at Forty-Second Street that I will soon be right. meeting me here later today and we'll work everything out. DICK: When you say it that way, I believe you. What's your it brings; there; EDDIE: All right, but I wouldn't put too much faith in Mona. - name? For the short time it takes, what a difference it makes in the Whisper of how I'm yearning to mingle with the old time I hear she tends to be tempermental. ways of the people and things. throng; MARY: Mary. DICK: Don't worry ...we've been friends for years. MARY: (Sings.) Give my regards to old Broadway and say that I'll be there DICK: Mary! That's a nice name. EDDIE: That was when she was a poor, struggling actress. Oh! There is talent to spare. Yes! There are great people e'er long. MARY: I always thought it was kind of plain. (Starts to leave.) MARY: (ENTERS.) Excuse me, I'm looking for Mr. Foster. DICK: (Sings.) I've got to check on some other patients. But I'II look in on there. Richard Foster. They're nicer each day,. and imagine Broadway only forty-five Say hello to dear old Coney Isle, if there you chance to be, you later, soldier. EDDIE: (Indicating DICK.) This is Mr. Foster. (To DICK.) minutes away. When you're at the Waldorf have a smile and charge it up DICK: Wait! Just a minute. Can't you tell me more about See you after lunch. Stay cool. to me; yourself? DICK: Guess I'll have to apologize. I haven't been too cordial. DICK: Very funny. MARY: (Laughs lightly.) I'm just a very plain girl with a very MARY: I thought I was getting the cold shoulder ... but it's so Mention my name ev'ry place you go, as 'round the town BETTY: We'll have to hurry, Eddie. I've got something important you roam; (DICK and MARY embrace.) simple name. cold in here I couldn't tell the difference anyhow. (She to talk to you about. (THEY put on coats, EXIT.) I'll be here with my gal, but remember old pal, DICK: Mary. shivers, rubs arms for warmth.) MARY: Mr. Foster, I thought I'd never find you. When you get back home. MARY: Yes. It kind of . .. well ... runs in my family. DICK: Look, you have a great voice, and I wish we had a spot DICK: You're not a bill collector?! CHORUS: (Sings: MARY'S A GRAND OLD NAME.) for you in the show ...but I just finished casting. (Sings. During singing of the Chorus, LEGS and TRIXIE, MARY: (Laughing.) Nothing like that. I'm an actress. DONALD and MILLIE, EDDIE and BETTY pair up for final My mother's name was Mary, she was so good and true; MARY: Well, maybe next time. (FLOSSIE and CONNIE rush in.) DICK: I see. chorus and Curtain Call.) Because her name was Mary, she called me Mary, too. FLOSSIE: Mr. Foster, something awful has happened! Give. my regards to Broadway, remember me to Herald Square. She was 'quite ordinary and plain as she could be; CONNIE: It's Suzie. She collapsed in the restaurant. I think I would be wary of one who's called Ma-rie. DICK: Is she all right?

33 22 31 31 4 For Preview Only FLOSSIE: I don't know. She's on her way to the hospital. stand behind a riser topped with a few sandbags. There is a MARY: Look ... (Takes out letter from handbag.) I brought (HILDA, SUZIE, FLOSSIE and CONNIE, also dressed as nurses, DICK: What seems to be the problem? stillness in the air. The setting, costuming and guns are more you a letter of recommendation. (Hands him letter.) It's join MARY in spotlight for CHORUS:) FLOSS IE: Double pneumonia and malnutrition ...that's what theatrical than realistic.) from my drama coach. For it's Mary, Mary, plain as any name can be; the doctor said. LEGS: (Obviously now "playing" the actor.) What time you got? DICK: (Takes letter, reads it.) Very good. You've had a lot of But with propriety, society will say Marie. DICK: You mean a doctor was eating in that restaurant? EDD IE: (Looking at watch.) Nine minutes to zero hour. amateur experience. But it was Mary, Mary, long before the fashions came. CONNIE: He was a health inspector. They were closing it down. LEGS: Then, "over the top". MARY: Oh, yes. And you know my drama coach, of course. And there is something there that sounds so fair, FLOSSIE: What are we going to do? DICK: I don't know which is worse ...the fighting or tl-ie DICK: Phyllis Jones. It's not exactly a household name. (Hands It's a grand old name. (BLACKOUT.) DICK: I don't know. Maybe I'd better go see how she is? Do waiting. letter back.) (There is the sound of applause. Members of cast hurry about, you know where they took her. EDDIE: Tell you what ... you fight and I'll wait. (Another MARY: But she's a good friend of your uncle's psychiatrist. She putting up flats, a few tables and chairs representing the "day FLOSSIE: I wrote it down. (Holds out paper.) It's not far. glance at watch.) Five fifty-three. was sure you'd remember her. room" of the hospital. MARY and DICK carry off cot and CONNIE: You're pretty busy, Mr. Foster. Flossie and I can run DICK: Notice how time flies when you're about to be killed. DICK: I didn't know my uncle had a psychiatrist. I just knew RE-ENTER. DICK now wears a robe and is struggling to put a over and make sure she's all right. EDDIE: Some fun. he needed one. "sling" on his injured arm. {)/CK and MARY are obviously TRIXIE: (Checking paper.) And I'd better call Suzie's folks. DICK: Sorry. Just trying to take your mind off the war. MARY: (Crestfallen.) You're not very impressed, are you? holding a quick "between scenes" conversation.) They'll be worried. (She EXITS.) EDDIE: Well, I got news. It's not working. I just wonder .what DICK: Look, kid. Out there is a street called Broadway. It DI CK: Listen to that applause. They love you! FLOSSIE: Maybe we can finish our lunch in the hospital cafeteria. we're doing here, anyway. could just as well be called the street of broken dreams and MARY: Only one more scene to go. The Finale. CONNIE: I hear hospital food isn't too good. LEGS: (Seriously.) We're making the world safe for democracy. lonely hearts. DI CK: And I love you, too. FLOSS! E: That's only when you're sick. (THEY start out.) EDDIE: I just hope the world· appreciates it. MARY: That would be a funny name for a street. MARY: (Helping him with sling.) Here, let me help you with ... HILDA: Wait a second. I'd li ke to come along, too. (Gets coat.) DICK: Somebody's got to do it, and I guess it's up to us. DICK: Hundreds of kids like you come here every day .. , to what did you say? DICK: Do you think she'd enjoy some flowers? LEGS: Yeah, let's whip the Kaiser and go home. New York . . to the Big Apple. Kids with talent, good looks, DICK: I said, "I love you, too". CONNIE: Only if she can eat them. EDD IE: And the sooner the better. (Somewhere a harmonica starts ambition ...all wanting the same thing. Success, adulation, MARY: That's not a line, is it? DICK: (Hands CONNIE some money.) Well, buy her some playing "Yankee Doodle Dandy". MEN stop to listen.) What recognition. DICK: A what? anyhow. are you thinking about, Dick? MARY: I'm willing to work hard. MARY: A line from the show, I mean. CONNIE: We'll be back as soon as we can. DICK: The day we shoved off for F ranee on that troop ship. DICK: Of course you are. They all are! Hoping for their big DICK: No, this· is ME talking. I'm proposing. Well ... what do FLOSSIE: But I wouldn't count on Suzie for rehearsal for a while. Remember the band playing? chance. Tell me, where are you from. Nebraska? Colorado? you say? (THEY EXIT.) LEGS: Yeah, and the flags waving. California? (CAST with possible exceptions of MUGSY, BABS and MONA, DICK: What a shame. But I'm sure things will work out. (To EDDIE: And the crowds cheering. MARY: New Rochelle. begin taking their places for the Finale.) MARY.) You know, Shirley . . . DICK: Just thinking about it makes me feel .. . well ...kind DICK: New Rochelle? EDDIE: Places, everyone! (Busies himself with stage arrangements.) MARY: It's Mary. of funny. MARY: So what's wrong with New Rochelle? MARY: I don't know what to say, except ...yes! DICK: You know, Mary .. . I've been thinking. Anyone with LEGS, DICK, EDDIE: (Sing: YOU'RE A GRAND OLD FLAG.) DICK: Nothing . .. but whether it's California, Colorado or New EDDIE: (Calls to MARY, DICK.) Hey, hurry up, will you? Rochelle . . .it doesn't make any difference. They're just not (Lights come up on entire set, MEN are dressed as soldiers or your ability and perserverance deserves a break. You're a grand old flag, you're a high flying flag, New York. WOMEN are dressed as nurses, Red Cross MARY: Really?! And forever in peace may you wave. in hospital garb. DICK: Yes. I knew the minute you walked in the theatre you MARY: What do you mean? New Rochelle is less than an hour workers or in period dress. EDDIE and LEGS rush in, still You're the emblem of the land I love, from here. had that certain something. wearing their uniforms.) The home of the free and the brave. DICK: That's right, it's only about 45 minutes. But what a MARY: A letter of recommendation! Every heart beats true for the Red, White and Blue, EDDIE: (Playing his part. To one of the nurses.) Pardon me, but I difference that makes. (TRIXIE and HILDA step forward to . DICK: Talent ... good looks ... ambition! hear you got one of our buddies locked up here Where there's never a boast or brag; join in song. DICK sings: FORTY-FIVE MINUTES FROM SUZIE: Was he wounded? MARY: I think you said that before. "But should auld acquaintance be forgot," BROADWAY.) LEGS: Wounded? He was shot to ...well, pretty badly. DICK: The pay is low. Keep your eye on the grand old flag. The West so they say is a land far away, DICK: (MOVING CENTER STAGE.) Hey, buddy, over here! It's I can make it. MARY: (Lights begin flashing, simulating flares. The roar of heavy guns Where actors put talent behind them. me! I'm okay. DICK: The hours are long. is heard, as a barrage is being laid down. MEN crouch. EDDIE This may all be, but just take it from me, you don't have EDDIE: (Rushing to DICK, embracing him.) Were we ever worried MARY: I can do it. again looks at his watch.) to go out West to find them. about you! DICK: You'll have to start in the chorus. EDDIE: It's six A.M. (He blows a whistle, waves ahead.) Over If you want to see a real fine congregation, the place where LEGS: We tried to get back after the attack, but ... MARY: I can work my way up. the top! (With a shout, MEN rise, start forward. A single, real amateurs dwell. DICK: I know. Your unit was cut off. I've been asking everyone DICK: The job is yours. Come on, I'll buy you lunch. louder rifle shot is heard. DICK clutches his shoulder, falls back Just hop on a train at the Grand Central Station, get off who came in about you. MARY: Thanks, Mr. Foster. But where are we eating? I'm not with a cry of pain. EDDIE and LEGS stop, return to him with when they shout, "New Rochelle". LEGS: Well, you can stop asking now. We did what we came terribly well dressed. concern.) Hey buddy, are you all right? over to do. DICK: You're fine. We're going to McDonalds. DICK: (With difficulty.) Looks like I caught one.

30 3 3 32 5 30 For Preview Only LEGS: We'll get you to the rear where you'll be safe. DICK, TRIXIE, HILDA: (Sing Chorus.) DICK: Come on, everyone, we're wasting valuable time. Places MARY: McDonalds. DICK: I'll be all right. You guys ...go ahead. Remember Only forty-five minutes from Broadway, think of the changes I want to hear that big First Act Finale one more time. DICK: Yes ... like I said. You deserve a break today. we got to whip the Kaiser and get home. it brings; (GROUP positions themselves.) Loud and clear, everyone. Let's LEGS: (ENTERS.) Hi yuh! I'm lookin' for a doll name of EDDIE: We'll get him, all right. We'll get him. (THEY start For the short time it takes, what a difference it makes in hear it. (MOVES to piano. EDJ;JIE sits at piano.) Trixie. forward. Lights are flashing. Then BLACKOUT. Sound of the ways of the people and things. CHORUS: (Sings: WHEN JOHNNY COMES MARCHING HOME.) DICK: Trixie? I think you'll find her right off stage left. gunfire continues. SPOTLIGHT comes up on MARY, dressed DICK: (Sings.) When Johnny comes marching home again, Hurrah, Hurrah, LEGS: Right off left? in a World War I nurse's uniform. Sound of gunfire ceases. Oh! What a great bunch of actors, oh! What a fine We'll give him a hearty welcome then, Hurrah, Hurrah; DICK: I believe that's right. (To MARY.) Isn't that the way During Mary's brief speech, DICK makes a quick change into a atmosphere. The men will cheer and the boys will shout, she left? white hospital gown, climbs into a small hospital bed or cot It's amateur's day, and imagine Broadway only forty-five The ladies, they will all turn out, and we'll be so glad, LEGS: Right? Left? Could yuh just point? placed on the stage, horizontal to the Audience.) minutes from here. When Johnny comes marching home. Mm-mm, Mm-mm. DICK: (Pointing STAGE LEFT.) Sure, over there. Tell her Mr. MARY: (To Audience.) Will it ever end? The fighting, the MARY: I don't have to stay here and be insulted. I can go When Johnny comes marching home. Mm-mm, Mm-mm. Foster just left for lunch. maiming, the killing? Every time there's a new offensive, they anywhere. The old church bells will peal with joy, Hurrah, Hurrah, LEGS: Left? Uh, right! I'll teH her. (DICK and MARY EXIT.) come in by the truckload. We patch them up, and send them DICK: Don't take it personally. It's just that ...well . if To welcome home our brave doughboys, Hurrah, Hurrah; TRIXIE: (ENTERS.) Legs! I thought that was you I heard. out to fight again. Except, (With true emotion.) except when you want to make it in theatre, it's got to be on Broadway. The ladies and the girls all say, it's going to be a happy day, LEGS: Hey, Trixie, don't call me Legs. (Looks about' suspiciously.) we're too late, or when there's nothing we can do. (Lights MARY: Maybe so, but that doesn't tnean all the talen.t is here. And we'll be so glad, when Johnny comes marchinq home. TRIXIE: But Legs, I always call you Legs. now come up on DICK'S cot. He is obviously delirious.) There's a lot of good people all over the country, and a lot of When Johnny comes marching home again, Hurrah, Hurrah, LEGS: Not now! I'm on the lam. I just got off the subway. DICK: (Slowly awakening.) Where am I? Am I dead? (Sees them nicer than the ones I've met here, too. (Sings: FORTY­ We'll give him a hearty welcome then, Hurrah, Hurrah; TRIXIE: What happened to your limo? MARY near the cot.) Are you an angel? FIVE MINUTES FROM BROADWAY.) The men will cheer, the boys will shout, LEGS: It's full of bullet holes. Even the bulletproof windows. MARY: Hardly that, I'm afraid. They just brought you in. I The West, you may say, is a land far away, where actors The ladies, they will all turn out, and we'll be so glad, TRIX IE: Gosh, Legs . . .you think someone is mad at you? heard your unit was cut off, and you lay on the battlefield for put talent behind them. When Johnny comes marching home. Mm-mm, Mm-mm. LEGS: Yeah. It's those mugs from the North Side, the South two days. This may all be, but just take it from me, you'll never get When Johnny comes marching home. Mm-mm, Mm-mm. Side and the East Side. DICK: Then ... this is a hospital. out there to find them. When Johnny comes marching home. TRIXI�: What do they want? MARY: Yes, and I'm a nurse. We're going to do everything we If you want to see a real fine delegation of people who really DICK: What do you think, Eddie? LEGS: The West Side. can for you. are swell, EDDIE: I think we'll find out on opening night. TRIXIE: But you got the West Side. DICK: (Clutching his bandaged arm.) My arm. I'm ...I'm Just hop on a train at the Grand Central Station, get off DICK: That's what I'm· afraid of. (Music to JOHNNY COMES LEGS: That's the problem. Here I am . . . just an honest getting dizzy. when they shout, "New Rochelle". MARCHING HOME up and under as Curtain Closes. Continues bookie trying to turn a buck with a little off-track betting, and MARY: (Takes his good hand.) Steady, soldier. You'll be all MARY, TRIXIE, HILDA: (Sing.) softly into next scene.) them bums keep tryin' to muscle in. right. Only forty-five minutes from Broadway, think of the changes ACT TWO TRIXIE: Maybe you ought to call the police? DICK: When you say it that way, I believe you. What's your it brings; Scene Two LEGS: dunno. I think mebbe they wouldn't understand. name? For the short time it takes, what a difference it makes in the TRIXIE: What about the Small Business Administration? MARY: Mary. ways of the people and things. SETTING: Somewhere in France, World War I. A small flat with LEGS: don't think they'd be of much help. DICK: Mary! That's a nice name. MARY: (Sings.) a bleak, shell-pocked landscape and barbed wire painted on it is TRIXIE: (Indignant.) Well ...this is some country ...when MARY: I always thought it was kind of plain. (Starts to leave.) Oh! There is talent to spare. Yes! There are great people used as a backdrop extreme STAGE RIGHT. Before the curtain, an honest citizen can't go out for a ride in his bulletproof I've got to check on some other patients. But I'II look in on there. voices are heard backstage or offstage. Cadillac without havin' it shot full of holes. you later, soldier. They're nicer each day,. and imagine Broadway only forty-five LEGS: They jus' don't make bulletproof cars the way dey used ta. DICK: Wait! Just a minute. Can't you tell me more about minutes away. LEGS: (OFFSTAGE.) How we doin'? TRIXIE: Sometimes I think I'd like to move off to a foreign yourself? DICK: Guess I'll have to apologize. I haven't been too cordial. EDDIE: The audience loves. it. I even thought I saw one of the country somewhere. Like Hawaii, maybe. MARY: (Laughs lightly.) I'm just a very plain girl with a very MARY: I thought I was getting the cold shoulder ... but it's so critics smile. LEGS: Now don't go. knockin' the good old U.S. of A. America simple name. cold in here I couldn't tell the difference anyhow. (She DICK: They never smile. Besides, I'm worried about this next has been good to me. You knmN, my folks went through DICK: Mary. shivers, rubs arms for warmth.) scene. How about moving that sandbag to the right a little? Ellis Island. MARY: Yes. It kind of . .. well ... runs in my family. DICK: Look, you have a great voice, and I wish we had a spot EDDIE: Relax, Dick. Everything is fine. The stage is set. TRIXIE: No kiddin'. Was they tourists? (Sings: MARY'S A GRAND OLD NAME.) for you in the show ...but I just finished casting. DICK: Okay, kill the music. (Music: WHEN JOHNNY COMES LEGS: Naw, they was immigrants. Come here without a dime. My mother's name was Mary, she was so good and true; MARY: Well, maybe next time. (FLOSSIE and CONNIE rush in.) MARCHING HOME, fades out.) Now where else in the world could a kid like me grow up Because her name was Mary, she called me Mary, too. FLOSSIE: Mr. Foster, something awful has happened! EDDIE: Places, everyone. Curtain! and earn a million dollars just runnin' a couple of little horse She was 'quite ordinary and plain as she could be; CONNIE: It's Suzie. She collapsed in the restaurant. (Curtain rises. Spotlight comes up on DICK, EDDIE and LEGS parlors. This here is really the land of opportunity! I think I would be wary of one who's called Ma-rie. DICK: Is she all right? dressed in World War I style uniforms; they carry rifles. They TRIXIE: You been real lucky, Legs.

4 29 6 31 4 29 For Preview Only LEGS: Sure. I was born on a lucky day . . . the Fourth of Night and noon. FLOSSIE: I don't know. She's on her way to the hospital. stand behind a riser topped with a few sandbags. There is a July! So long, Mary, don't forget to come back soon. DICK: What seems to be the problem? stillness in the air. The setting, costuming and guns are more TRIXIE: Hey, you're a regular Yankee Doodle Dandy!!! Oh, don't forget to come back soon. FLOSS IE: Double pneumonia and malnutrition ...that's what theatrical than realistic.) LEGS: I sure am. And what's more, you're my Yankee Doodle BETTY: (Spoken.) Promise us, now. the doctor said. LEGS: (Obviously now "playing" the actor.) What time you got? sweetheart. (Sings: l'M A YANKEE DOODLE DANDY.) MARY: I promise. DICK: You mean a doctor was eating in that restaurant? EDD IE: (Looking at watch.) Nine minutes to zero hour. I'm the guy with all the candy, I'm a Yankee Doodle Dandy, CHORUS: (Sings as girls exchange hugs.) CONNIE: He was a health inspector. They were closing it down. LEGS: Then, "over the top". I'm glad I am. So long, Mary, don't forget to come back soon. FLOSSIE: What are we going to do? DICK: I don't know which is worse ...the fighting or tl-ie TRIXIE: (Sings.) MONA: (ENTERS with DICK.) Dick, darling, I knew we could DICK: I don't know. Maybe I'd better go see how she is? Do waiting. So's Uncle Sam. come to an agreement. you know where they took her. EDDIE: Tell you what ... you fight and I'll wait. (Another LEGS: (Sings.) DICK: Might as well take it to your agent. We'll sign the FLOSSIE: I wrote it down. (Holds out paper.) It's not far. glance at watch.) Five fifty-three. I'm a real live Yankee Doodle, Made my name and fame and contracts tomorrow. CONNIE: You're pretty busy, Mr. Foster. Flossie and I can run DICK: Notice how time flies when you're about to be killed. boodle just like Mister Doodle did, EDDIE: (Steps to DICK.) I don't get it, Dick. You've never over and make sure she's all right. EDDIE: Some fun. By riding on a pony. gone back on your word before. TRIXIE: (Checking paper.) And I'd better call Suzie's folks. DICK: Sorry. Just trying to take your mind off the war. I love to listen to the Dixie strain, I love to see the girl DICK: I didn't have any choice. After all, Mona got me the They'll be worried. (She EXITS.) EDDIE: Well, I got news. It's not working. I just wonder .what I have beside me, angel for the show. FLOSSIE: Maybe we can finish our lunch in the hospital cafeteria. we're doing here, anyway. And that ain't a josh. She's a Yankee, by gosh. DONALD: (Stepping in.) She certainly did natl (ENTER CONNIE: I hear hospital food isn't too good. LEGS: (Seriously.) We're making the world safe for democracy. TRIXIE: (Sings.) TRIXIE and LEGS.) Can I tell him, Dad? FLOSS! E: That's only when you're sick. (THEY start out.) EDDIE: I just hope the world· appreciates it. Oh, say can you see ..anything about a Yankee that's a DICK: Tell me what? I don't understand what you're talking HILDA: Wait a second. I'd li ke to come along, too. (Gets coat.) DICK: Somebody's got to do it, and I guess it's up to us. phon ...ey? about. DICK: Do you think she'd enjoy some flowers? LEGS: Yeah, let's whip the Kaiser and go home. TRIXIE, LEGS: (Sing.) DONALD: (To LEGS.) About the money? CONNIE: Only if she can eat them. EDD IE: And the sooner the better. (Somewhere a harmonica starts I'm (He's) a Yankee Doodle Dandy, A Yankee Doodle do or LEGS: The money? Sure, the heat's off now. (To DICK.) DICK: (Hands CONNIE some money.) Well, buy her some playing "Yankee Doodle Dandy". MEN stop to listen.) What die; I put up the dough for the show. anyhow. are you thinking about, Dick? A real live nephew of our Uncle Sam's. DICK:· (Turning on MONA.) Mona! You lied to me! CONNIE: We'll be back as soon as we can. DICK: The day we shoved off for F ranee on that troop ship. Born on the Fourth of July. MONA: I didn't say a thing. You just thought I arranged for the FLOSSIE: But I wouldn't count on Suzie for rehearsal for a while. Remember the band playing? LEGS: (Sings.) money. And with all that cash around, I just figured little Mona (THEY EXIT.) LEGS: Yeah, and the flags waving. I've got a Yankee Doodle sweetheart. She's my Yankee should get her share. DICK: What a shame. But I'm sure things will work out. (To EDDIE: And the crowds cheering. Doodle joy. DICK: Well, if "little Mona" doesn't get out of here, she's going to MARY.) You know, Shirley . . . DICK: Just thinking about it makes me feel .. . well ...kind LEGS, TRIXIE: (Sing.) get what's coming to her . . . but good. (Clenches his fists to MARY: It's Mary. of funny. Yankee Doodle came to London, just to ride the ponies, control himself.) DICK: You know, Mary .. . I've been thinking. Anyone with LEGS, DICK, EDDIE: (Sing: YOU'RE A GRAND OLD FLAG.) I am (He is) the Yankee Doodle Boy. MONA: I'm going ... I'm going. But what about our agreement? your ability and perserverance deserves a break. You're a grand old flag, you're a high flying flag, I am (He is) the Yankee Doodle Boy. DICK: (Walking to MARY, putting an arm around her.) Null and MARY: Really?! And forever in peace may you wave. Oh, I am (He is) the Yankee Doodle Boy!!! void, Mona baby. I've got the lead for my show and here she is. DICK: Yes. I knew the minute you walked in the theatre you You're the emblem of the land I love, TRIXIE: But what about those mugs that are after you, Legs? MONA: (Leaving.) See if I care when you have another flop. had that certain something. The home of the free and the brave. What are you gonna do? (She EXITS angrily.) MARY: A letter of recommendation! Every heart beats true for the Red, White and Blue, DONALD.) "Dad"? I thought that was just a figure LEGS: I dunno. Can't go back to my place. They'll be watchin' DICK: (To DICK: Talent ... good looks ... ambition! Where there's never a boast or brag; To LEGS.) But why would you Want to put all it. How about your place? of speech. ( MARY: I think you said that before. "But should auld acquaintance be forgot," that money in my show? TRIXIE: My place! There's four of us livin' there already. It's DICK: The pay is low. Keep your eye on the grand old flag. LEGS: I needed a safe place to hide out for awhile. I figured at about as public 11s this theatre. MARY: I can make it. (Lights begin flashing, simulating flares. The roar of heavy guns a hundred G's it was good life insurance. LEGS: (Gets an idea.) That's it! DICK: The hours are long. is heard, as a barrage is being laid down. MEN crouch. EDDIE DICK: I can understand that, but like you said, the "heat's off". TRIXIE: What's it? MARY: I can do it. again looks at his watch.) You can change your mind, if you like. Most of the money is LEGS: I'll hang around here for a couple of days. This is the DICK: You'll have to start in the chorus. EDDIE: It's six A.M. (He blows a whistle, waves ahead.) Over last place anyone would look. still in the bank. MARY: I can work my way up. the top! (With a shout, MEN rise, start forward. A single, LEGS: No way. That other stuff is all behind. (Proudly.) I'm TRIXIE: I know of an extra dressing room that has a cot. It DICK: The job is yours. Come on, I'll buy you lunch. louder rifle shot is heard. DICK clutches his shoulder, falls back an angel now. (To TRIXIE.) How about that, honey? might work. (THEY hear VOICES from OFFSTAGE.) MARY: Thanks, Mr. Foster. But where are we eating? I'm not with a cry of pain. EDDIE and LEGS stop, return to him with TRIXIE: sure are, Legs. We just need to find you a set of LEGS: Someone's comin'! Let's go have a look at that pad. You terribly well dressed. concern.) Hey buddy, are you all right? wings. (Looks down at his typical gangster-style suit.) Better see if DICK: You're fine. We're going to McDonalds. DICK: (With difficulty.) Looks like I caught one. we can find some new clothes, too. This outfit is kind of conspicuous. 28 5 7 28 5 30 For Preview Only DICK: Come on, everyone, we're wasting valuable time. Places MARY: McDonalds. MARY: I'm going to go home for awhile. TRIXIE: Quick ...down this way. (She and LEGS EXIT I want to hear that big First Act Finale one more time. DICK: Yes ... like I said. You deserve a break today. MILLIE: Back to your hotel? RIGHT. EDDIE and BETTY ENTER LEFT.) (GROUP positions themselves.) Loud and clear, everyone. Let's LEGS: (ENTERS.) Hi yuh! I'm lookin' for a doll name of MARY: No. Back to New Rochelle. EDDIE: Okay, Betty, what's this news that's so important that we hear it. (MOVES to piano. EDJ;JIE sits at piano.) Trixie. SUZIE: Think it over a little and maybe you'll change your mind. had to rush back so quick. Anything that interrupts my second CHORUS: (Sings: WHEN JOHNNY COMES MARCHING HOME.) DICK: Trixie? I think you'll find her right off stage left. MARY: No, I believe it's best this way. I'm going to leave right cup of coffee has got to be bad. When Johnny comes marching home again, Hurrah, Hurrah, LEGS: Right off left? away. It will be easier that way. (Music begins vamp.) BETTY: I was trying to tell you at lunch, but the restaurant was We'll give him a hearty welcome then, Hurrah, Hurrah; DICK: I believe that's right. (To MARY.) Isn't that the way MILLIE: Well, we'll see you to the train, won't we girls? so noisy. The men will cheer and the boys will shout, she left? BETTY: We sure will. That's the least we can do. EDDIE: And besides that, we were sitting at opposite ends of the The ladies, they will all turn out, and we'll be so glad, LEGS: Right? Left? Could yuh just point? FLOSS IE: But what about rehearsal. counter. When Johnny comes marching home. Mm-mm, Mm-mm. DICK: (Pointing STAGE LEFT.) Sure, over there. Tell her Mr. EDDIE: Dick can rehearse Mona until we get back. BETTY: Those were the only seats they had left. When Johnny comes marching home. Mm-mm, Mm-mm. Foster just left for lunch. MARY: I really appreciate all this. I really do. (Sings: SO LONG, EDDIE: All right. So what's the news? The old church bells will peal with joy, Hurrah, Hurrah, LEGS: Left? Uh, right! I'll teH her. (DICK and MARY EXIT.) MARY.) BETTY: Well, it's kind of good ...and kind of bad. To welcome home our brave doughboys, Hurrah, Hurrah; TRIXIE: (ENTERS.) Legs! I thought that was you I heard. It's awfully nice of all you girls to see me to the train. EDDIE: Then I better sit down. (He sits at piano.) The ladies and the girls all say, it's going to be a happy day, LEGS: Hey, Trixie, don't call me Legs. (Looks about' suspiciously.) CHORUS: (Sings.) BETTY: My niece, Little Millie, is coming to visit me from Virginia. And we'll be so glad, when Johnny comes marchinq home. TRIXIE: But Legs, I always call you Legs. So long, Mary. EDDIE: (Standing up.) Is THAT all? Well, what's the good news? When Johnny comes marching home again, Hurrah, Hurrah, LEGS: Not now! I'm on the lam. I just got off the subway. MARY: (Sings.) BETTY: That WAS the good news. We'll give him a hearty welcome then, Hurrah, Hurrah; TRIXIE: What happened to your limo? I didn't think you'd care if you should ne'er see me again. EDD IE: I think I'll sit down again. (He sits.) The men will cheer, the boys will shout, LEGS: It's full of bullet holes. Even the bulletproof windows. CHORUS: (Sings.) BETTY: You see, I told the family I was this big star in a Broad­ The ladies, they will all turn out, and we'll be so glad, TRIX IE: Gosh, Legs . . .you think someone is mad at you? You're wrong, Mary. way show ... When Johnny comes marching home. Mm-mm, Mm-mm. LEGS: Yeah. It's those mugs from the North Side, the South MARY: (Sings.) EDDIE: So you told a little fib. When Johnny comes marching home. Mm-mm, Mm-mm. Side and the East Side. This reminds me of my f_amily on the day I left from home, BETTY: And that I was going with this rich and famous New York When Johnny comes marching home. TRIXI�: What do they want? you see. pianist. DICK: What do you think, Eddie? LEGS: The West Side. To the depot when they came with me, I seem to hear them EDDIE: Me? EDDIE: I think we'll find out on opening night. TRIXIE: But you got the West Side. say: BETTY: Youl DICK: That's what I'm· afraid of. (Music to JOHNNY COMES LEGS: That's the problem. Here I am . . . just an honest CHORUS: (Sings.) EDDIE: Well, maybe she's too young to tell the difference. MARCHING HOME up and under as Curtain Closes. Continues bookie trying to turn a buck with a little off-track betting, and So long, Mary; Mary, we will miss you. so. BETTY: Not that young I'm afraid. softly into next scene.) them bums keep tryin' to muscle in. So long, Mary, how we hate to see you go; EDDIE: Virginia? Nobody comes from Virginia. ACT TWO TRIXIE: Maybe you ought to call the police? And we'll all be longing for you, Mary, BETTY: George Washington did. Scene Two LEGS: dunno. I think mebbe they wouldn't understand. Night and noon. EDDIE: So he's an exception. TRIXIE: What about the Small Business Administration? So long, Mary, don't forget to come back soon. BETTY: Thomas Jefferson did. SETTING: Somewhere in France, World War I. A small flat with LEGS: don't think they'd be of much help. MARY: (Sings.) EDDIE: I mean recently. a bleak, shell-pocked landscape and barbed wire painted on it is TRIXIE: (Indignant.) Well ...this is some country ...when It's awf'ly kind of all you girls to see me off today. BETTY: I'm from Virginia. used as a backdrop extreme STAGE RIGHT. Before the curtain, an honest citizen can't go out for a ride in his bulletproof CHORUS: (Sings.) EDDIE: Oh, yeah. I forgot. voices are heard backstage or offstage. Cadillac without havin' it shot full of holes. So long, Mary. BETTY: Well, if you'd ever been there, you wouldn't have forgot, LEGS: They jus' don't make bulletproof cars the way dey used ta. MARY: (Sings.) I'll tell you. (Sings: VIRGINIA SONG.) LEGS: (OFFSTAGE.) How we doin'? TRIXIE: Sometimes I think I'd like to move off to a foreign I didn't think you'd care if I should either go or stay. I was born in a southern state where all nature's sublime, EDDIE: The audience loves. it. I even thought I saw one of the country somewhere. Like Hawaii, maybe. CHORUS: (Sings.) In a city where all the girls are pretty, and the sun shines nearly critics smile. LEGS: Now don't go. knockin' the good old U.S. of A. America You're wrong, Mary. all the time. DICK: They never smile. Besides, I'm worried about this next has been good to me. You knmN, my folks went through MARY: (Sings.) Hospitality there you'll find, bright smiles everywhere. scene. How about moving that sandbag to the right a little? Ellis Island. I'll return, how soon I cannot tell, When I look 'roun' and see some other town, EDDIE: Relax, Dick. Everything is fine. The stage is set. TRIXIE: No kiddin'. Was they tourists? Awf'ly nice of you to wish me well; I'm mighty glad I came from there. DICK: Okay, kill the music. (Music: WHEN JOHNNY COMES LEGS: Naw, they was immigrants. Come here without a dime. Hardly thought a soul in all New York would even come to say. (CHORUS:) MARCHING HOME, fades out.) Now where else in the world could a kid like me grow up CHORUS: (Sings.) I was born in Virginia, that's the state that will win yer EDDIE: Places, everyone. Curtain! and earn a million dollars just runnin' a couple of little horse So long, Mary; Mary, we will miss you so. If you've got a soul in yer; (Curtain rises. Spotlight comes up on DICK, EDDIE and LEGS parlors. This here is really the land of opportunity! So long, Mary, how we hate to see you go; Ain't no Southern frown in the city of Nor-folk, dressed in World War I style uniforms; they carry rifles. They TRIXIE: You been real lucky, Legs. And we'll all be longing for you, Mary, Home of beauties and more folk.

6 27 6 29 27 8 For Preview Only Reckon you'll stay there, if you ever play there; MONA: Well, Richard· ...we're waiting. LEGS: Sure. I was born on a lucky day . . . the Fourth of Night and noon. That right fine town. DICK: Mary, I've ... ah ... I've got some news. It seems that July! So long, Mary, don't forget to come back soon. Oh, don't forget to come back soon. (VERSE:) Mona ...well, she's going to be able to take the lead in the TRIXIE: Hey, you're a regular Yankee Doodle Dandy!!! BETTY: (Spoken.) Promise us, now. Something nice about Southerners you don't find everywhere; show after all. I know you've got to be disappointed but ... LEGS: I sure am. And what's more, you're my Yankee Doodle Never con you, but they smile upon you, sweetheart. (Sings: l'M A YANKEE DOODLE DANDY.) MARY: I promise. MARY: (Genuinely.) That's all right, Dick. I understand. When CHORUS: And they'll make you happy while you're there. I'm the guy with all the candy, I'm a Yankee Doodle Dandy, (Sings as girls exchange hugs.) you can get a star like Mona Monroe, well, you just can't take a So long, Mary, don't forget to come back soon. Old Kentucky and Tennessee, they can certainly go some; chance on someone nobody knows. (Forcing a smile.) Anyhow, I'm glad I am. Travel far and wide, still I'm satisfied remembering the state TRIXIE: (Sings.) MONA: (ENTERS with DICK.) Dick, darling, I knew we could there's still that spot in the chorus. come to an agreement. I'm from. DICK: I'm afraid not. Suzie's back from the hospital and ... So's Uncle Sam. LEGS: (Sings.) DICK: Might as well take it to your agent. We'll sign the (CHORUS:) MARY: And there's nothing for me. Well ...I guess that's show I'm a real live Yankee Doodle, Made my name and fame and contracts tomorrow. I was born in Virginia, that's the state that will win yer business. From the headlines to the breadlines in one afternoon. boodle just like Mister Doodle did, EDDIE: (Steps to DICK.) I don't get it, Dick. You've never If you've got a soul in yer; DICK: Look, if you need some money, I'd like to help. By riding on a pony. gone back on your word before. Ain't no Southern frown in the city of Nor-folk, MARY: No, thanks. I've got enough for a train ticket back home. I love to listen to the Dixie strain, I love to see the girl DICK: I didn't have any choice. After all, Mona got me the Home of beauties and more folk. Right now, I guess that's a II I really need. Reckon you'll stay there, if you ever play there. I have beside me, angel for the show. MONA: (Slips an arm through his.) Come now, Richard, dear. DONALD: (Stepping in.) She certainly did natl (ENTER That right fine town. And that ain't a josh. She's a Yankee, by gosh. Since this little misunderstanding has been cleared up, perhaps we Can I tell him, Dad? EDDIE: Well, when are we gonna meet this little niece from back TRIXIE: (Sings.) TRIXIE and LEGS.) should discuss terms. I think ....two thousand a week. DICK: Tell me what? I don't understand what you're talking home? Oh, say can you see ..anything about a Yankee that's a DICK: Two thousand! Mona, we'd better talk this over in my about. BETTY: I told her to come to the theatre when she_ got into town. phon ...ey? office. DONALD: (To LEGS.) About the money? I figured we'd be in rehearsal. TRIXIE, LEGS: (Sing.) MONA: Anything you say, Richard. (THEY start OFF.) LEGS: The money? Sure, the heat's off now. (To DICK.) EDDIE: How old's the little tyke? I'm (He's) a Yankee Doodle Dandy, A Yankee Doodle do or DICK: Look, Mona, twelve hundred is the best we can do. die; I put up the dough for the show. BETTY: Well, she was eight when I left home. MONA: Eighteen hundred, darling. My agent would never let me DICK:· (Turning on MONA.) Mona! You lied to me! EDDIE: That shouldn't be any problem. A real live nephew of our Uncle Sam's. take a penny less. (THEY are OFF.) Born on the Fourth of July. MONA: I didn't say a thing. You just thought I arranged for the BETTY: That was ten years ago. MARY: (Drifts about the stage for a few seconds, fighting back the money. And with all that cash around, I just figured little Mona EDD IE: (Pause.) That's a problem. LEGS: (Sings.) tears. Sings: LIFE'S A FUNNY PROPOSITION AFTER ALL-REPRISE.· I've got a Yankee Doodle sweetheart. She's my Yankee should get her share. BETTY: Let's call the airport and see if her ·flight's in. We can Life's a very funny proposition after all. DICK: Well, if "little Mona" doesn't get out of here, she's going to worry about the rest later. Doodle joy. Imagination, jealousy, hypocricy and gall; LEGS, TRIXIE: (Sing.) get what's coming to her . . . but good. (Clenches his fists to EDDIE: An eighteen year old from Virginia in Manhattan for the Three meals a day, a whole lot to say, Yankee Doodle came to London, just to ride the ponies, control himself.) first time. I think you should start worrying now. Might as well When you haven't got the coin you're always in the way. I am (He is) the Yankee Doodle Boy. MONA: I'm going ... I'm going. But what about our agreement? get an early start. (THEY start OFF. A slick but rough-looking (Sits on chair and bursts into tears. ENTER EDDIE and BETTY, I am (He is) the Yankee Doodle Boy. DICK: (Walking to MARY, putting an arm around her.) Null and couple ENTER.) FLOSSIE, SUZIE, CONNIE, HILDA, DONALD, MILLIE. Some of Oh, I am (He is) the Yankee Doodle Boy!!! void, Mona baby. I've got the lead for my show and here she is. MUGSY: Uh, hey there! them still carry coffee cups. MILLIE is the first to discover TRIXIE: But what about those mugs that are after you, Legs? MONA: (Leaving.) See if I care when you have another flop. EDDIE: (Turns.) Can we help you? MARY in tears. MARY sniffles, tries to regain her composure.) What are you gonna do? (She EXITS angrily.) BABS: Yeah. We're lookin' for a friend of ours. Legs Ruby. MILLIE: Mary! What's wrong? (Puts an arm around MARY.) LEGS: I dunno. Can't go back to my place. They'll be watchin' DICK: (To DONALD.) "Dad"? I thought that was just a figure MUGSY: You ain't seen him, have yuh? MARY: I ... (Sniffles.) I have good news for you all. it. How about your place? of speech. (To LEGS.) But why would you Want to put all BETTY: Is he in the theatre? EDDIE: If that's the way you handle good news, what do you do TRIXIE: My place! There's four of us livin' there already. It's that money in my show? MUGSY: How should I know. That's why I'm askin' you. when it's bad? about as public 11s this theatre. LEGS: I needed a safe place to hide out for awhile. I figured at EDD IE: She means ...does he work in the theatre? MARY: Mona Monroe was just here. She's taking the lead in the LEGS: (Gets an idea.) That's it! a hundred G's it was good life insurance. MUGSY: Naw. He's got some horse parlors. show. (ALL groan.) TRIXIE: What's it? DICK: I can understand that, but like you said, the "heat's off". BETTY: I thought horses lived in stables. SUZIE: How could that happen? LEGS: I'll hang around here for a couple of days. This is the You can change your mind, if you like. Most of the money is BABS: He takes bets on the nags. CONNIE: I thought you had the part. last place anyone would look. still in the bank. MUGSY: He's a bookie. BETTY: There must be some misunderstanding. TRIXIE: I know of an extra dressing room that has a cot. It LEGS: No way. That other stuff is all behind. (Proudly.) I'm EDD IE: Who's got the money to gamble on horses? EDDIE: That's right. Dick would never go back on his word. might work. (THEY hear VOICES from OFFSTAGE.) an angel now. (To TRIXIE.) How about that, honey? BABS: We got word that Legs is going with this doll, Trixie, who MARY: No, he's doing what he thinks is best. And so am I. LEGS: Someone's comin'! Let's go have a look at that pad. TRIXIE: You sure are, Legs. We just need to find you a set of wings. works here. There's some guys uptown want to find him. HILDA: What do you mean? (Looks down at his typical gangster-style suit.) Better see if MUGSY: Yeah. They want to give him a new overcoat. we can find some new clothes, too. This outfit is kind of conspicuous. 26 77 28 9 26 For Preview Only DONALD: Anyhow, I'd sure like to show my gratitude. Since EDDIE: You could use one around here. you're new in town, what would you say to a tour around the MUGSY: A cement overcoat. Big Apple? BETTY: Ahhh ... that must be awfully heavy in the summertime:· MILLIE: (Stands.) You mean New York? MUGSY: Never mind. We'll just look around for ourselves. (Points DONALD: That's what we call it. OFF RIGHT.) You look over there, Babs. MONA: (ENTERS.) Pardon me, but I'd like to speak with Dick BABS: Sure thing, Mugsy. ... Mr. Foster. MUGSY: And I'll check over here. (ENTER LEGS in an outland­ DONALD: Mona Monroe! I know he'll be glad to see you. I'll ish costume. It can be anything from Shakespeare to "Wild West" get him. or any combination thereof. He has obviously raided the wardrobe MONA: Thank you. (DONALD EXITS RIGHT.) room.) MILLIE: Isn't it wonderful? Mr. Foster is going to have enough EDDIE: What's that? money for his show. I just know it's going to be a BIG success. LEGS: It's my ... uh ...my costume. Waddaya think? MONA: Let's hope so. (ENTER DICK with DONALD.) EDDIE: That looks like something that Dick would come up with. DICK: (Embracing MONA.) I thought I heard your voice. Thanks Probably a new production number. for coming by. Say, I'd like you to meet Mary Collins, our new MUGSY: (To LEGS.) You seen any strangers 'round here? leading lady. (To DONALD.) Ask Mary to come up, would you? LEGS: Naw. Nobody here but us ...uh , ..thespians. DONALD: Sure thing. MUGSY: Hmmm , .. I think Legs is Hungarian. MILLIE: I'll show you the way. I think she's working on her lines. BABS: (Taking out list.) We still got these other places to try, (THEY EXIT.) Mugsy. DICK: (To MONA.) There'll never be another Mona Monroe; but MUGSY: Yeah, we can check back here later. maybe you can give Mary a few tips, BABS: (Takes out pictures.) Sure wish these pictures were better. MONA: Dick, darling, that's what I wanted to talk to you about. MUGSY: You got a picture of me, doll. That oughta be enough. I've found that I'll be at liberty to take the lead in your new (THEY EXIT.) show after all. EDDIE: Now there's a pair to draw to, if I ever saw one. DICK: I appreciate that, Mona, but I've already cast the part. You MILLIE: (ENTERS, preferably down the aisle from the rear of the know that. theatre. She is an attractive young "Southern belle", carries a MONA: Then you really didn't mean what you told me on the suitcase.) Aunt Betty! Aunt Betty! phone. BETTY: Why, it's little Millie! D!CK: About the money? Certainly I meant it. I had that check EDDIE: Don't look now but I think she just grew up. for a hundred thousand dollars almost before you left the theatre. MILLIE: (Rushing to BETTY and embracing her.) Aunt Betty! MONA: Then let me put it this way, Dick. No Mona Monroe .. , I recognized you right away from your publicity pictures. no show. BETTY: Millie! I'm so glad you could come to New York for a DICK: (Angry.) That's blackmail! visit. MONA: (Flatly.) Isn't it, sweetie? MI LL! E: Oh, I'm not here for a VISIT! I want to be a big star DICK: (Firmly.) I won't do it. like you! MONA: (Conniving.) You mean you're going to throw all those nice EDDIE: A what? people out of work? Come now, Dick. You can always give this MI LL!E: And you must be the rich, famous piano player Betty little "Mary Sunshine" a bit part in your next show. wrote me about. (Shakes his hand.) D!CK: (Hesitates, thinks.) I guess you're right. I don't have any EDDIE: I'm the one she wrote you about, all right .. choice. Maybe she can be your understudy at least. MI LL!E: (Looking him over.) Do all famous piano players dress MONA: You know I always select my own understudy. Not that this way in New York? ANYONE ever goes on for Mona Monroe. I think it's best if you EDDIE: Only when ,they don't want to be recognized. just dismiss ,her now. Somehow I wouldn't feel quite comfortable' MILLIE: (To LEGS.) You look like an actor, at least. having her around. LEGS: I do? I mean, yeah, I do! (ENTER DICK and MARY.) MARY: (ENTERS enthusiastically.) Dick? (Sees MONA, stops short.) MARY: Thanks for lunch, Mr. Foster. Miss Monroe! It's such an honor to meet you. (Awkward pause.) DICK: Oh, it was nothing.

8 25 25 10 For Preview Only MARY: I haven't had a "Big Mac" since I left home. DICK: And Mary, I want to go over your part in the show. Reckon you'll stay there, if you ever play there; MONA: Well, Richard· ...we're waiting. DICK: When was that? MARY: I can hardly wait to get started. (THEY EXIT except for That right fine town. DICK: Mary, I've ... ah ... I've got some news. It seems that MARY: Yesterday. LEGS, TRIXIE and DONALD.) (VERSE:) Mona ...well, she's going to be able to take the lead in the BETTY: Mr. Foster, I'd like you to meet my niece, Millie. TRIXIE: Dad! Legs, did he really say Dad? Something nice about Southerners you don't find everywhere; show after all. I know you've got to be disappointed but ... MILLIE: So you're the famous Broadway producer and director, LEGS: I guess we don't have to keep it a secret any longer. Never con you, but they smile upon you, MARY: (Genuinely.) That's all right, Dick. I understand. When Dick Foster. (Shakes his hand.) TRIXIE: (Angry.) I guess not! You been two-timing me all along. And they'll make you happy while you're there. you can get a star like Mona Monroe, well, you just can't take a DICK: (Flattered.) You might say that. Why, this young man is old enough to be my ...well ... Old Kentucky and Tennessee, they can certainly go some; chance on someone nobody knows. (Forcing a smile.) Anyhow, EDDIE: And then again, you might not. old enough to vote, anyhow. Travel far and wide, still I'm satisfied remembering the state there's still that spot in the chorus. DICK: (Sees LEGS.) I hope this isn't another of your relatives. LEGS: Listen, Trixie. I lost my wife when Donald here was just a I'm from. DICK: I'm afraid not. Suzie's back from the hospital and ... BETTY: Him? Never saw him before in my life. kid. (CHORUS:) MARY: And there's nothing for me. Well ...I guess that's show TRIXIE: (ENTERS, rushes to LEGS.) There you are! I been DONALD: The mob put a bomb in his car. I was born in Virginia, that's the state that will win yer business. From the headlines to the breadlines in one afternoon. looking all over for you. LEGS: It was meant for me, but she used the car first. Wanted to If you've got a soul in yer; DICK: Look, if you need some money, I'd like to help. LEGS: Sorry, Trixie. After I got dressed, I must of took a wrong do some shopping. I didn't want anything like that to happen to Ain't no Southern frown in the city of Nor-folk, MARY: No, thanks. I've got enough for a train ticket back home. turn someplace. Donald. Home of beauties and more folk. Right now, I guess that's a II I really need. DICK: Now I remember. You were here before lunch. I don't DONALD: So I took mother's maiden name ... Harper. But now Reckon you'll stay there, if you ever play there. MONA: (Slips an arm through his.) Come now, Richard, dear. know who you are but you can't stay in the theatre. I'm going to change it back again. (Places an arm around LEGS' That right fine town. Since this little misunderstanding has been cleared up, perhaps we TRIXIE: Come on, Mr. Foster. He don't have no place to go. shoulder.) Dad grew up in a tough business, but he always played EDDIE: Well, when are we gonna meet this little niece from back should discuss terms. I think ....two thousand a week. MARY: Gosh, mister. Things must be pretty tough when you have it straight, and I'm proud of him. home? DICK: Two thousand! Mona, we'd better talk this over in my to get your clothes from wardrobe. TRIXIE: (Pause.) So am I! (Thinking it over.) At least, I will be, BETTY: I told her to come to the theatre when she_ got into town. office. LEGS: Lady, tough ain't the word. You might call it a case of life once I get used to the idea. I figured we'd be in rehearsal. MONA: Anything you say, Richard. (THEY start OFF.) and death. LEGS: Then you don't mind ...getting a ready-made family? EDDIE: How old's the little tyke? DICK: Look, Mona, twelve hundred is the best we can do. MARY: Maybe we could all pitch in and help. Even old enough to vote? BETTY: Well, she was eight when I left home. MONA: Eighteen hundred, darling. My agent would never let me TRIXIE: I don't think Legs ... I mean, my friend here ...would TRIXIE: After goin' with you for ten years, all I can say is .. EDDIE: That shouldn't be any problem. take a penny less. (THEY are OFF.) take no charity. th is is so sudden. BETTY: That was ten years ago. MARY: (Drifts about the stage for a few seconds, fighting back the DICK: Okay, okay, okay ... he can stay. Maybe we can use him LEGS: In that case, maybe we should take a walk and talk about it. EDD IE: (Pause.) That's a problem. tears. Sings: LIFE'S A FUNNY PROPOSITION AFTER ALL-REPRISE.· as a walk-on in the show or something. (Takes her hand.) BETTY: Let's call the airport and see if her ·flight's in. We can Life's a very funny proposition after all. LEGS: Thanks, Mr. Foster. You won't be sorry. MILLIE: (ENTERS with two cups of coffee. To DONALD.) worry about the rest later. Imagination, jealousy, hypocricy and gall; DICK: I'm sorry already. Can't you find something that won't make Would you ... ah ... care for a cup of coffee? EDDIE: An eighteen year old from Virginia in Manhattan for the Three meals a day, a whole lot to say, you look like a walking ad for the Globe Theatre? DONALD: (Surprised.) Sure. Thanks. (He takes a cup.) first time. I think you should start worrying now. Might as well When you haven't got the coin you're always in the way. LEGS: Sure, pal. I don't want to do nothin' that will help your TRIXIE: Donald, tell Dick we'll be back in time for rehearsal. get an early start. (THEY start OFF. A slick but rough-looking (Sits on chair and bursts into tears. ENTER EDDIE and BETTY, competition. LEGS: Yeah! I don't wanna blow my big chance in show business. couple ENTER.) FLOSSIE, SUZIE, CONNIE, HILDA, DONALD, MILLIE. Some of TRIXIE: (Takes LEGS' arm.) Come on. We'll find you something (Laughs as THEY EXIT.) MUGSY: Uh, hey there! them still carry coffee cups. MILLIE is the first to discover to wear. DONALD: I was beginning to think you didn't like me. EDDIE: (Turns.) Can we help you? MARY in tears. MARY sniffles, tries to regain her composure.) DICK: And show Mary the dressing rooms, Trixie. She's taking MILLIE: (Sipping her coffee, sitting on some chair or ladder.) BABS: Yeah. We're lookin' for a friend of ours. Legs Ruby. MILLIE: Mary! What's wrong? (Puts an arm around MARY.) Suzie's place in the chorus. (TRIXIE, LEGS and MARY EXIT.) thought the same about you. MUGSY: You ain't seen him, have yuh? MARY: I ... (Sniffles.) I have good news for you all. BETTY: I got to get Millie settled in our apartment. But I should DONALD: I guess I was on the defensive, seeing you up here on BETTY: Is he in the theatre? EDDIE: If that's the way you handle good news, what do you do be back in time for afternoon rehearsal. the stage. MUGSY: How should I know. That's why I'm askin' you. when it's bad? MONA: (ENTERS, .preferably through the audience. She is the MILLIE: (Laughing.) And I thought you'd see me as just a silly EDD IE: She means ...does he work in the theatre? MARY: Mona Monroe was just here. She's taking the lead in the epitome of the successful star; overdressed, over-sophisticated and girl from a small town. MUGSY: Naw. He's got some horse parlors. show. (ALL groan.) very impressed with herself.) Oh, Richard, darling! I just HAD DONALD: Oh, no. Just the opposite. Like the way you BETTY: I thought horses lived in stables. SUZIE: How could that happen? to come over and see how your new show is going. stepped in when those gangsters were here. That was really BABS: He takes bets on the nags. CONNIE: I thought you had the part. DICK: (To BETTY.) Go ahead. Take all the time you need. quick thinking. MUGSY: He's a bookie. BETTY: There must be some misunderstanding. (BETTY and MILLIE EXIT, ad libbing. When MONA reaches the MILLIE: I did the first thing that came to mind. I guess we were EDD IE: Who's got the money to gamble on horses? EDDIE: That's right. Dick would never go back on his word. stage, DICK embraces her, steps back and admires her, holding her all pretty scared. BABS: We got word that Legs is going with this doll, Trixie, who MARY: No, he's doing what he thinks is best. And so am I. hands.) Mona Monroe! You look every inch a star! works here. There's some guys uptown want to find him. HILDA: What do you mean? MUGSY: Yeah. They want to give him a new overcoat.

24 9 11 24 9 26 For Preview Only DONALD: Anyhow, I'd sure like to show my gratitude. Since EDDIE: You could use one around here. But should old acquaintance be forgot, MONA: Yes, I do ...don't I? (To EDDIE, at piano.) Hello, you're new in town, what would you say to a tour around the MUGSY: A cement overcoat. Keep your eye on the grand old flag. Eddie, dear. Big Apple? BETTY: Ahhh ... that must be awfully heavy in the summertime:· Keep your eye on the grand old flag. EDDIE: {Unimpressed.) Hi, Mona. MILLIE: (Stands.) You mean New York? MUGSY: Never mind. We'll just look around for ourselves. (Points * He's a Yankee Doodle Dandy, a Yankee Doodle do or die; DICK: We've been holding your part for you, Mona. When can DONALD: That's what we call it. OFF RIGHT.) You look over there, Babs. A real live nephew of his Uncle Sam's, you start rehearsaIs? MONA: (ENTERS.) Pardon me, but I'd like to speak with Dick BABS: Sure thing, Mugsy. Born on the Fourth of July. MONA: That's why I came by, my love. I understand you've been ... Mr. Foster. MUGSY: And I'll check over here. (ENTER LEGS in an outland­ He's got a Yankee Doodle sweetheart, having some difficulties raising the money to open. DONALD: Mona Monroe! I know he'll be glad to see you. I'll ish costume. It can be anything from Shakespeare to "Wild West" She's his Yankee Doodle joy. DICK: We're just a few dollars short. Nothing to worry about. get him. or any combination thereof. He has obviously raided the wardrobe Yankee Doodle went to London, just to ride the ponies; MONA: Exactly how much is a few dollars? What's the budget MONA: Thank you. (DONALD EXITS RIGHT.) room.) He is that Yankee Doodle Boy. for the show? MILLIE: Isn't it wonderful? Mr. Foster is going to have enough EDDIE: What's that? (*Repeat) DICK: About a hundred thousand. money for his show. I just know it's going to be a BIG success. LEGS: It's my ... uh ...my costume. Waddaya think? (General reaction by cast after audience finishes applauding. Ad MONA: I see. And how much do you still need? MONA: Let's hope so. (ENTER DICK with DONALD.) EDDIE: That looks like something that Dick would come up with. libs.) DICK: About a hundred thousand. But, Mona, as soon as I DICK: (Embracing MONA.) I thought I heard your voice. Thanks Probably a new production number. DONALD: (Stands, newspaper folded under his arm.) Gosh, that announce that you're playing the lead, I can get the money in a for coming by. Say, I'd like you to meet Mary Collins, our new MUGSY: (To LEGS.) You seen any strangers 'round here? ·was great, Dad! minute. leading lady. (To DONALD.) Ask Mary to come up, would you? LEGS: Naw. Nobody here but us ...uh , ..thespians. TRIXIE: Dad! Did he say Dad? MONA: I understand, but my agent has found me this other role, DONALD: Sure thing. MUGSY: Hmmm , .. I think Legs is Hungarian. MUGSY: Looks like we wuz wrong, Babs. I dunno what the mob and he insists I take it.. After all, your last two shows didn't do MILLIE: I'll show you the way. I think she's working on her lines. BABS: (Taking out list.) We still got these other places to try, is gonna say. very well. You can't ask me to take a chance at this point in my (THEY EXIT.) Mugsy. DONALD: If you mean the bookies, maybe you'd better read this. career! DICK: (To MONA.) There'll never be another Mona Monroe; but MUGSY: Yeah, we can check back here later. (Holds out newspaper.) DICK: But, Mona ...remember, I was the one who discovered you maybe you can give Mary a few tips, BABS: (Takes out pictures.) Sure wish these pictures were better. MUGSY: (Reading headline slowly like a young schoolchild.) in the chorus. MONA: Dick, darling, that's what I wanted to talk to you about. MUGSY: You got a picture of me, doll. That oughta be enough. "D.A. CLOSES BOOKIE PARLORS ...GANG LEADERS UNDER MONA: Yes, I know. (She admires some of her jewelry.) I've found that I'll be at liberty to take the lead in your new (THEY EXIT.) ARREST". Things don't look too healthy around here. DICK: I was the one who gave you your first big break. show after all. EDDIE: Now there's a pair to draw to, if I ever saw one. LEGS: Looks that way. MONA: Yes, I know. (Fusses with her hairdo.) DICK: I appreciate that, Mona, but I've already cast the part. You MILLIE: (ENTERS, preferably down the aisle from the rear of the MUGSY: (Holstering his gun.) Think we'll take us a little vacation. DICK: I made you a star! know that. theatre. She is an attractive young "Southern belle", carries a The Bahamas, maybe. MONA: That's true. And now I have a responsibility to my public. MONA: Then you really didn't mean what you told me on the suitcase.) Aunt Betty! Aunt Betty! BABS: (Putting her gun away.) Or Shangrila. I hear that's nice. I hope you understand! phone. BETTY: Why, it's little Millie! (THEY EXIT hurriedly.) DICK: (Disappointed.) I'm afraid I do. All too well. D!CK: About the money? Certainly I meant it. I had that check EDDIE: Don't look now but I think she just grew up. MILLIE: (Calling after THEM.) How about Devil's Island? MONA: I'd love to help you, dear, and if I find someone with a for a hundred thousand dollars almost before you left the theatre. MILLIE: (Rushing to BETTY and embracing her.) Aunt Betty! TRIXIE: I hope we've seen the last of them. hundred thousand dollars, you'll be the first one to know. Mean­ MONA: Then let me put it this way, Dick. No Mona Monroe .. , I recognized you right away from your publicity pictures. LEGS: Yeah. There's something about guns I don't like. while, you should do something about this theatre. (Shivers, pulls· no show. BETTY: Millie! I'm so glad you could come to New York for a Especially when they're pointed at me. her fur coat around her.) It's an absolute refrigerator. DICK: (Angry.) That's blackmail! visit. CONNIE: That's worse than the critics on opening night. DICK: Sure, Mona. Thanks a lot. MONA: (Flatly.) Isn't it, sweetie? MI LL! E: Oh, I'm not here for a VISIT! I want to be a big star HI LOA: Makes you wonder what could happen next. MONA: Well, I must be away to Sardi's. I'm lunching with my DICK: (Firmly.) I won't do it. like you! FLOSS IE: Don't even think about it. agent. There's a new producer he wants me to meet. Ta, ta. MONA: (Conniving.) You mean you're going to throw all those nice EDDIE: A what? DICK: Looks like those characters have us all a little shook up. Don't be a stranger now. people out of work? Come now, Dick. You can always give this MI LL!E: And you must be the rich, famous piano player Betty Let's take a ten minute break. DICK: Sure. I'll see you around. little "Mary Sunshine" a bit part in your next show. wrote me about. (Shakes his hand.) AD LIBS: Sure. That was some number. MONA: (Waves weakly to EDDIE.) Goodbye, Eddie. D!CK: (Hesitates, thinks.) I guess you're right. I don't have any EDDIE: I'm the one she wrote you about, all right .. I thought it sounded pretty good! EDDIE: Drop dead, Mona. choice. Maybe she can be your understudy at least. MI LL!E: (Looking him over.) Do all famous piano players dress I can't get over that pair with the guns. MONA: (Not even hearing.) It was SO nice seeing you all again. MONA: You know I always select my own understudy. Not that this way in New York? You never know what kind of nuts you're going to run into. (She EXITS.) ANYONE ever goes on for Mona Monroe. I think it's best if you EDDIE: Only when ,they don't want to be recognized. (GIRLS EXIT.) EDDIE: Well ...what do we do now? just dismiss ,her now. Somehow I wouldn't feel quite comfortable' MILLIE: (To LEGS.) You look like an actor, at least. EDDIE: There's coffee in my dressing room. DICK: Looks like we have two chances ...slim and none. The having her around. LEGS: I do? I mean, yeah, I do! (ENTER DICK and MARY.) DICK: I could use some. heat's turned off, the rent's past due and I owe money to every­ MARY: (ENTERS enthusiastically.) Dick? (Sees MONA, stops short.) MARY: Thanks for lunch, Mr. Foster. BETTY: Me, too. one I see. (Sits, dejected.) Miss Monroe! It's such an honor to meet you. (Awkward pause.) DICK: Oh, it was nothing. EDDIE: Sounds like you're living the American dream.

10 23 10 25 23 12 End of Script Sample GIVE MY REGARDS TO BROADWAY GIVE MY REGARDS TO BROADWAY PROPS CAST OF CHARACTERS CAST OF CHARACTERS Sack Lunches (TRIXIE, HILDA) (In Order Of Appearance) (In Order Of Appearance) Handbag with letter (MARY) Sheet of paper (FLOSSIE) DICK FOSTER Director EDDIE COWLES # of lines Money (DICK) Pianist TRIXIE Chorus girl, friend of Legs DICK FOSTER ...... Director 158 List, pictures (BABS) BETTY Chrous girl, friend of Eddie EDDIE COWLES...... Pianist 104 Suitcase (MILLIE) FLOSSIE Chorus girl TRIXIE...... Chorus girl, friend of Legs 79 Briefcase with check (DONALD) SUZIE Chorus girl Handguns (MUGSY, BABS) CONNIE Chorus girl BETTY...... Chorus girl, friend of Eddie 50 HILDA Chorus girl Flags, decorations, miscellaneous props FLOSSIE ...... Chorus girl 21 MONA MONROE Broadway star (EDDIE, BETTY, MILLIE, SUZIE) MARY COLLINS Aspiring actress SUZIE...... Chorus girl 10 Newspaper (DONALD) LEGS RUBY Bookie CONNIE ...... Chorus girl 17 Two coffee cups (MILLIE) MILl.a,IE Attractive girl, Betty's niece MUGSY Gangster "hit man" HILDA...... Chorus girl 10 Coffee cups (CAST) BABS His "moll" MONA MONROE ...... Broadway star 30 Military rifles (DICK, EDDIE, LEGS) DONALD HARPER "Harvard man" Hospital gown, arm sling (DICK) MARY COLLINS...... Aspiring actress 81 TIME: The present LEGS RUBY...... Bookie 81 PRODUCTION NOTES PLACE: The stage of an off-Broadway theatre MILLIE...... Attractive girl, Betty's niece 41 MUGSY ...... Gangster "hit man" 30 The set calls for a piano on stage for EDDIE. This may BABS...... His "moll" 11 be a practical piano (one that plays) or a set piece where SEQUENCE OF MUSICAL NUMBERS EDDIE can sit and mime playing. Either way, the key- DONALD HARPER ...... "Harvard man" 35 board should be placed away from the audience so EDDIE ACT ONE TIME: The present can be seen and give the impression of playing while the GIVE MY REGARDS TO BROADWAY ...... Chorus regular pianist handles the actual music. FORTY-FIVE MINUTES FROM BROADWAY .. Dick Mary PLACE: The stage of an Off-Broadway theatre THE YANKEE DOODLE BOY ...... Legs, Trixie ACT TWO, Scene Two is a set of three very brief scenes VIRGINIA SONG ...... Betty SEQUENCE OF MUSICAL NUMBERS LIFE'S A FUNNY PROPOSITION AFTER ALL . Eddie, Legs, Chorus and should be virtually continuous, one running into the next. FORTY-FIVE MINUTES FROM BROADWAY · ACT ONE Throughout this portion of the "play within a play" the REPRISE ...... Mary GIVE MY REGARDS TO BROADWAY ...... Chorus illusion should be theatrical rather than realistic. A good FORTY-FIVE MINUTES FROM BROADWAY.....Dick, Mary deal of rushing about, confusion and ad libs between the ACT TWO THE YANKEE DOODLE BOY...... Legs, Trixie cast should be used to assure the audience that they are, indeed, seeing the "play within a play". Recorded IT'S A GRAND OLD FLAG/THE YANKEE VIRGINIA SONG...... Betty DOODLE BOY ...... Mary, Millie, Legs, applause may be added over the s'ound system to heighten Chorus LIFE'S A FUNNY PROPOSITION AFTER ALL. ..Eddie, Legs, this illusion. LIFE'S A FUNNY PROPOSITION AFTER ALL · Chorus REPRISE ...... Mary FORTY-FIVE MINUTES FROM BROADWAY SO LONG MARY ...... Mary, Chorus * WHEN JOHNNY COMES MARCHING REPRISE ...... Mary HOME AGAIN .....•...... ; ...... Chorus IT'S A GRAND OLD FLAG ...... Legs, Oick, Eddie ACT TWO MARY'S· A GRAND OLD NAME ...... Mary, Hilda, Suzie, IT'S A GRAND OLD FLAG/THE YANKEE Flossie, Connie FINALE - GIVE MY REGARDS TO DOODLE BOY...... Mary, Millie, Legs, BROADWAY ...... Company Chorus *Music by Louis Lambert 35 ii 35 We hope you’ve enjoyed this script sample.

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