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BDSM Dating Sites Try to Bring Light Where We Enjoy Darkness

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BDSM Dating Sites Try to Bring Light Where We Enjoy Darkness 2 4 ITH ITS ISOLATING In “Whips with Friends,” Helena Fitzger- interfaces, the Internet ald examines BDSM dating sites, wondering is — much like sex it- how well sex that thrives on secrecy can sur- self — no place for in- vive the exposure. Hannah Black chronicles tersubjectivity. Maybe romance grown too secret, finding a parable that’s why it has lent it- of surveillance in the story of an undercov- self so well to dating. With Issue 13, the New er cop who falls in love while on the job. Of Inquiry Magazine looks at looking for love course, not every stranger is a threat, as Adri- in all the wrong places. Like, say, in books: an Chen points out in his piece on the old- Rob Horning reviews Love in the Time of Al- school social-networking site Makeoutclub. gorithms, which poses the economization of com, which had the virtue of not being ex- love as inevitable, along with the end of mo- plicitly dating-oriented. On that site, sexual nogamy. But are people really so helplessly tension was high because ambiguity lived: altered by online romance? After all, dating Other people’s intentions were never foreor- sites still generate actual dates, bringing to- dained. gether actual people: vulnerable, unpredict- Yet ambiguity can be crazy-making. With able, ultimately uncommodifiable. As Whit- Camille Paglia as her guide, Natasha Vargas- ney Erin Boesel notes, online dating doesn’t Cooper reminds us that romantic obsession differ profoundly from dating pre-Internet; can be fascistic — at bottom of the urge to the sites may offer speed and volume and “ef- clarify things is the impulse to dominate. ficient” encounters as bait, but users aren’t Getting free sometimes means joining up: necessary taking it. The fastest path to part- Mandy Stadtmiller, in conversation with nership, she concludes, isn’t necessarily the Mike Thomsen, describes identifying as a most appealing one. sex and love addict. And in “The Withdrawal Method,” Erwin Montgomery argues that the previous reply, “I would prefer not to.” the only way out of the marketplace of desire “Prefer not to,” echoed we, rising in high ex- is to politely refuse both relationship “work” citement. “What do you mean? Are you moon- and the equal and opposite labor of being a struck? We want you to date us—here, rate us,” player: in other words, to emulate Bartleby, and we thrust our photo towards her. who simply “prefers not to.” “I would prefer not to,” said she. What would passive resistance do to online With any other individual we should have dating? We looked to Melville for an answer. flown outright into a dreadful passion, scorned all further words, and thrust the person igno- miniously from our presence. But there was Bartlebea the Dater something about this individual that not only strangely disarmed us, but, in a wonderful man- At first, we did an extraordinary quantity of ner, touched and disconcerted us. We began to dating. As if long famished for someone to date, reason. we seemed to gorge ourselves on candidates. “This is your own loneliness we are about to There was no pause for digestion. We ran a day assuage. It is labour saving to you, because one and night line, dating by sunlight and by candle- date will answer for your entire week. It is com- light. We should have been quite delighted with mon custom. Every human is bound to date. Is it our application, had we been cheerfully indus- not so? Will you not speak? Answer!” trious. But we dated silently, palely, mechani- “I prefer not to,” our date replied in a flutelike cally. tone. In our haste and natural expectancy of instant “You are decided, then, not to comply with compliance, we favorited a comely profile with our request—a request made according to com- finger tense, and cursor hovering, somewhat mon usage and common sense?” nervously ready, so that our date might snatch Our date briefly gave us to understand that our meaning and proceed to business without on that point our judgment was sound. Yes: the the least delay. decision was irreversible. Imagine our surprise, nay, our cons-ternation, . Shall we acknowledge it? The conclusion when, without favoriting us back, our date, in of this whole business was that it soon became a a singularly mild, firm email, replied, “I would fixed fact of the website, that a pale young dater prefer not to.” had a profile there; that she examined other We sat awhile in perfect silence, rallying our profiles at the usual rate of a folio an evening; stunned faculties. Immediately it occurred to us but she was permanently exempt from going on that our eyes had deceived us, or our prospective dates; and that even if entreated to take upon date had entirely misunderstood our meaning. her such a matter, it was generally understood We repeated our request in the clearest tone we that she would “prefer not to”—in other words, could assume; but in quite as clear a one came that she would refuse point-blank. n 7 Sex in Public MANDY STADTMILLER interviewed by MIKE THOMSEN Two dating columnists talk occupational hazards MANDY STADTMILLER IS a writer and THE NEW INQUIRY: Do you think comic who writes strikingly open accounts there’s a natural antagonism between being of her life, encompassing an array of sexual fulfilled at work and being fulfilled in a rela- encounters, from a fling with Aaron Sorkin tionship? It comes up a lot in your writing. to filming herself masturbating in an office bathroom (for a man she’d known less than MANDY STADTMILLER: I think that’s 24 hours). She began her career as a tradi- because I’ve just gone through a tumultu- tional reporter working for The Washington ous year and had a lot of upheaval. This is Post, Des Moines Register, and The Village my dream job in a way and I’m devoting so Voice, abandoned it to marry her college boy- much of myself to it—but I’ve done that for friend, and then returned to writing with a every job I’ve had. I think it’s funny, I’m such popular and sometimes controversial dat- an extremist in everything. When I left news- ing column for TheNew York Post, where she papers it was to marry my college sweetheart worked until moving to website xoJane.com and I was just like “Okay, I’m done sacrificing this fall. I spoke with her about love, sex, and my love life for work.” When that all went to dating on a cold January night in a Manhat- shit I basically didn’t ever want to lose myself tan dog park, with her newly-adopted pit bull in a guy or relationship ever again. Although Samsung running free around us. I did that again when I had a dating column 8 MANDY STADTMILLER WITH MIKE THOMSEN in the Post and stopped the column for the lowed to have sex. guy because it was stressing him out. So that was definitely a case where I was getting lost Aren’t you supposed to be celibate for the in that. first year of your sex sobriety? I thought that It’s hard because I do such personal writ- was the theory. ing that a lot of times I’ll have people direct message me on Twitter asking for advice Well fuck that, then I’m not a sex and love about their love life not realizing that I’m get- addict. I take back my identification, be- ting hundreds of messages and it’s not physi- cause hell no am I going a year without sex. cally possible for me to answer all of them. I haven’t had a drink or drugs in two and a And then you feel like an asshole because half years, I’ve got to have some kind of sin you’re not necessarily giving something to in my life. It’s not even sin, it’s just fucking. I every person. I try to, but then that becomes don’t think you’re right about the 12 month a sacrifice of your own time, and then I wig thing. I think a lot of my stuff comes more out and realize that I’m not being alive as a from attachment wounding and not having human being with any romantic or sexual po- had a functional childhood where I got the tential, and then I just want to hook up, as I kind of unconditional love that contributes proposed to you over Gchat. [laughter] But to healthy relationship patterns. My interpre- we had also been introduced to each other as tation of the SLAA sobriety is that it’s you potentially dating last year, and we were go- abiding by your bottom line. For me, my bot- ing to have a date so it wasn’t that crazy. It’s tom line is not being intimate with someone not like I would do that to any reporter, you where it’s destructive or unsafe or bad for know what I mean? Although that would be me. I have a longtime friend who I’ll hook up an awesome strategy. And part of me likes with occasionally. Do I think he’s contribut- doing the worst possible thing just to see the ing to addiction? No. I have a friend in Over- results. eater’s Anonymous and she doesn’t do flour and sugar because those are her triggers. For The first thing I thought when you chatted me, if I were to actually go on Craigslist and me—and it wasn’t even a thought, it was a volunteer to be the woman in a three-way sub-rational reaction—was that you iden- with two strangers who would murder me or tify as a sex addict and something, that would I was worried I was go- not be abiding by my ing to be contributing to Aren’t you celibate bottom line, triggering some destructive behav- for the first year of really unsafe, abusive ior you were engaged in.
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