A few months ago, I asked people on Twitter if they’d be interested in reading a zine on Eurovision. “A print zine?” People asked. “Of course!” I stupidly replied, not remembering how much of the Eurovision season action unfolds in May. Silly me! So while there’s not a print version, I hope you’ll enjoy this downloadable PDF from the comfort of your own home. I can’t believe we’re coming up to the end of Eurovision. It seems like hardly any time has passed at all since we cuddled up with some hot cocoa, watching artists shiver through Albania’s outdoor Festival I Kenges. In the past five months, we’ve had some bad times - like Armenia dropping out, and some more bad times - like an oppressive dictatorship in Belarus trying to send pro-government propaganda to the concert - and even more bad times, like the racism demonstrated from within the fandom toward people like Jeangu. Yet we’ve also had a lot of joy. The five nights of Sanremo felt less like a slog and more like a slumber party with our friends Amadeus and Fiorello. Many of the returning artists who missed Eurovision 2020 came back with even stronger songs this year. And yes, we all laughed - in retrospect - at the ridiculously star-studded, drawn-out spectacular to launch Moldova's song - less a celebration of Sugar and more a celebration of Kirkorov. Anyway, at the very last second, here is the Dudepoints Guide to Eurovision 2021. Enjoy! XOXO, Dude Cover Photos Credit: NPO/NOS/AVROTROS NATHAN REINDS NATHAN NPO/NOS/AVROTROS Cover Photos Credit: Semifinal One Photo Credit: Thomas Hanses/EBU Photo Credit: Lithuania: YAY Have you seen this song? If you haven’t, STAY UNSPOILED AND WAIT FOR THE STAGE SHOW. I meant it. Stop reading right now ,because Eurovision is going to open with a bang and you’ll get a major endorphin boost from it. The Roop launched Discoteque in January, which is, in Eurovision years, the Jurassic Age. For five solid months, Eurovision fans have had this song in their heads. Which is a good thing! The Roop are giving us an upbeat anthem for the pandemic age, when everyone has had to find new ways to create their own discos. And, as one might expect from the band that brought the viral hit On Fire last year, the accompanying dance moves are as catchy as hell. The one downside to this song for ME is that the Roop unleashed this as a fully formed performance in January, like Athena emerging from Zeus’s head. So there’s no surprises waiting hardcore Eurofans that know every beat of this performance. The Roop Discoteque Photo Credit: Thomas Hanses/EBU Photo Credit: Slovenia: MEH Here’s the context - last year, Ana Skolic blew Eurofans away when she did a home video of her song Voda (Water) in the most picturesque mountain background in all of Slovenia. She had a great ballad, and she performed the hell out of it. IF Eurovision had happened last year, she would have been tipped as a jury winner. And this year? <insert grimace emoji here> Ana came back with another powerful ballad, but in English - a wrong step that gets people focusing on the lyrics rather than the emotion of the performance. She called it Amen (even though the most prominent word in the song is Hallelujah) - a title being used by another contestant. And she hasn’t done any of the pre-parties, so we have no idea how this song comes off in the live context. Look, Ana Skolic has a great big soaring beautiful voice, but her song is just not it. The fact that the EBU put her in the dreaded Second Slot in the running order is a sad confirmation that this probably won’t make it out of the semi. Ana Skolic Amen Photo Credit: Andres Putting/EBU Andres Photo Credit: Russia: YAY GAAAAHHHHH. I really wish this song could be preceded by a half-hour explanatory documentary, because the context of these three minutes is going to go over the head of most viewers. There’s a huge amount of geopolitical baggage hovering around this song and artist which can basically be summed up as “a big old Fuck You to Putin.” And there’s also a huge amount of Russian cultural references in the song and the performance which may not be obvious to non-Russian viewers. And there’s also the fact that about half the very funny lyrics are in Russian! And yet, none of that will matter when this absolute firecracker of a performer comes bursting out on stage to charm the crowd. The majority of Europe will have no idea what she’s singing, but by the end of the song, they’ll be yelling about breaking down the walls. In my ideal world, this would win Eurovision. Since this isn’t my ideal world, let’s vote for it hard to make sure it gets into the final. Manizha Russian Woman Photo Credit: Thomas Hanses/EBU Photo Credit: Sweden: YAY Okay, if this song were performed by literally anyone else on the planet, I’d say “skip it.” But fortunately for us, it’s performed by TUSSE! Tusse’s singing chops are unimpeachable - he’s a winner of Swedish Idol. But in addition to having a fabulous voice, he’s also possibly the cinnamon roll of this year’s contest. He’’s a refugee from Congo who moved to Sweden by himself at the age of 13. Tusse almost didn’t enter Melodifestivalen because he was due to take his driver’s license test the day after his song was set to be recorded. He won Melfest on a weekend and had to take a biology test the Monday afterwards. He’s just a regular high school kid juggling calculus with a massive singing career on the side. In a year reeling from the BLM protests, Tusse is bringing us a celebration of Black Excellence on stage. The fact that he’s able to maintain his optimism and joy in the face of racist abuse is amazing, and I can’t wait to see what he does with the rest of his career. Tusse Voices Photo Credit: Andres Putting/EBU Andres Photo Credit: Australia: YAY Poor Montaigne is coming to this contest with a disadvantage. The Australian broadcaster deemed it too risky to travel to Eurovision, so she isn’t there in Rotterdam along with the rest of the contestants. Fortunately, the EBU implemented a “live on tape” policy specifically for cases like hers, so Montaigne will be performing, albeit with a version recorded in March. And I hope that sob story will endear you to Montaigne, because her song is one of those that I’ll be listening to long after the contest. (I’m actually listening to her 2019 album Complex as I write this!) I don’t have the words to describe how happy this song makes me. It’s about two years too modern for Eurovision 2021, so it’s been getting a lot of disdain from the Old Skool schlager crowd who just don’t get it. “Technicolour” starts like a ballad, features lots of chanting, and then ends with *that* range-climbing note. To some, it feels messy - but all of these parts fit organically in the song. Even if you don’t get the ambition here, you’ll be amazed by the fact that you can’t predict what’s coming next. Please, vote for her in the semi so that all of Montaigne Technicolour Europe gets exposed to her talent! Photo Credit: Jess Gleeson Photo Credit: Macedonia: YAY I think the one question that will predict whether you want to watch “Here I Stand” is: Do you like Disney musicals? If you do, sit back and enjoy, because Vasil belts the hell out of a pre-intermission showstopper about...I don’t know, a young man’s right to hold dual citizenship?* But even if you don’t like ballads, this song’s staging is absolutely blinding, and I mean that literally. Vasil has brought a series of mirrors and spotlights to visually demonstrate the resilience bursting from his heart. It looks phenomenal. The combination of staging and Vasil’s general air of naked earnestness is going to be enough to push this into the final. Vasil wants us to like him, to really like him, and by the end of this song, we completely do. * (It’s a joke because after Vasil was selected, there was a huge kerfuffle where North Macedonians protested since Vasil had a painting that looked like the Bulgarian flag in his apartment, and he also holds Bulgarian citizenship, and if that seems like a tenuous connection you would be right. But do nationalists and homophobes really need an excuse to be dickheads?) Vasil Here I Stand Photo Credit: Thomas Hanses/EBU Photo Credit: Ireland: YAY Look, Lesley Roy is a gem. She’s an early- 2010s Max Martin power pop vocalist who is also delightfully self-aware, and able to analyze the whole pop machine. Ireland has made a good choice in bringing a songwriter of her calibre to the contest. “Maps” is a banger of a song that has consistently been in my top 5 since it was released, because it plays well on multiple layers. It’s just a darn good pop song, but it also serves as an anthem for the Irish diaspora, whose population has been spread around the world due to famine and economic need.