On the fourth Mersday of Astron of the Thrid Age Year mclxiii. Volume mmcccxxvi. Issue XXXVIII. Happy April Fool’s Day! [ The Independent Hobbit Newspaper at Boston University ] BAGGINS BUSTED: 3.5 million GP West Campus Nazguls break up Bilbo’s rager pipe-weed bust By Lissa ‘Masterfull’ Proudfoot There and FreeP Again Staff called largest in Wednesday night, Nazguls broke up a party in West Campus after allegedly re- ceiving various noise complaints, univer- Shire history sity officials said. Bilbo Baggins, the student accused of By Musin, King of Durin’s Folk There and FreeP Again Staff holding the party in his dorm room, said that he felt the incident was handled inap- propriately. In what has been described as the big- “I needed a holiday,” Baggins, a sopho- gest single seizure of pipe-weed in the more in School of Hobbit Administration, history of the Shire, Gondorian officials said. “We weren’t being overly loud! With confiscated 53 pounds of Old Toby in the exception of those fireworks, I sup- Buckland county on the third Trewsday of pose.” Astron. Baggins added that it was his birthday As many as 14,000 Old Toby plants and that he had turned 111, therefore well were housed in a massive underground above legal drinking age. complex owned by Meriadoc Brandybuck According to the incident report, nine and his college roommate Peregrin Took. Nazguls broke down the door of the dor- The two were seen being taken away in mitory in the middle of the night, at which chains by Gondorian guards. point many of those in the room fled the While in captivity, Brandybuck and premises. Took claimed they had received the plants “I don’t know why he thought he could from a giant talking tree who initially have so many people in his dormitory called them “little orcs,” but then became room without anyone finding out,” said their friend. He told them he was going one administrator who preferred to remain to give the hobbits the “dopest dope they anonymous. GLEWYYN QUEEN OF THE NOLDOR / THERE AND FREEP AGAIN LADY ever smoked.” According to the official, there were Bilbo Baggins sheds a pretty tear at the loss of his rocking rager. And it was. countless individuals in the room, includ- “That shit was crazy, man. I was seeing ing an older, unkempt man whose pres- tion,” the administrator said. The report states that the the Nazguls elephants and fuckin’ giant eyeballs sur- ence the official expressed some concern Baggins, who lives in the room along confiscated a large quantity of ale from rounded by fire and shit. And then I rode over. with Everard Proudfoot, was taken into a goddamn eagle. It was awesome,” Took Baggins, see page 5 “We’re still investigating the situa- custody while his room was searched. said to the guards as they took him away. The total haul for the Gondorians was worth more than 3.5 million gold pieces. Bombadil threatens Jackson with legal action, songs According to the Gondorian Drug En- By Blaennyn Turambar Bombadil said. Ringbearer from the depths of the Barrow- forcement Office, this was the largest There and FreeP Again Staff Leaving his home of The Old Forest for downs, remain in Rivendell while they con- homegrown pipe-weed farm ever found. the first time in known history, Bombadil template taking legal action against Jackson. The GDEO has been strictly enforcing the seizures of pipe-weed since it was out- Director, producer and Middle Earth afi- ventured to the elven city of Rivendell to hold “Hi-ho, merry-ho,” Bombadil said. “Old lawed last year. cionado Peter Jackson is under fire after a council with Elrond Half-Elven to publicize Tom isn’t going anywhere until that Holly- Many of Brandybuck and Took’s neigh- recent public statement made by one Tom his grievances with Jackson. wood fat cat admits he was wrong.” bors were relieved to have the pipe-weed Bombadil, claiming he was wrongfully omit- “Old Tom Bombadil is a merry fellow,” The woodsman said he submitted a list farm gone. ted from Jackson’s “Lord of the Rings” film Bombadil said. “But old Tom isn’t afraid to of demands to Jackson that, if completed, he “I knew there were some funny busi- trilogy. slap that bearded Kiwi fatty with a class ac- would consider as reparation for Jackson’s ness going on over there. I always saw Bombadil, a self-proclaimed “man of the tion lawsuit.” omission of his character from the trilogy. those fuckin’ hippies wanderin’ back and woods,” demanded that Jackson rectify the Jackson said that he was surprised by Included on the list were 100 bottles of forth through my fields, stealin’ mah pota- omission, and said he is not afraid to take Bombadil’s statement, but that he remained elven wine, a new long stem pipe, a copy of toes and what not,” said Old Farmer Mag- legal action against the director if nothing is firm in his decision to leave Bombadil’s char- Rush’s greatest hits and a pound of Old Toby, got, as surly a bastard as there ever was done to restore the importance of his charac- acter out of the film. the finest pipe weed of the Shire. one. ter in the eyes of “Lord of the Rings” fanatics. “How would a hippy who walks around Jackson called Bombadil’s list of demands “I also always saw the smoke rising “Hey dol! Merry dol! Ring a dong dillo! the woods all day singing songs have added “ludicrous,” “half baked” and “borderline de- clear from that hobbit hole over there. I Ring a dong! Hop along! Fal lal the willow! to the three epics I created,” Jackson said. mented.” knew somebody had to be getting’ pretty Tom Bom, jolly Tom, Tom Bombadillo,” “That kind of stuff doesn’t win Oscars.” Bombadil, who once saved Frodo the Bombadil, see page 5 crunk up in there.” Illicit Behavior seen atop CAS, Boromir claims ‘yoga workout’ By Sudo Primstone, Prince of the Halflings still fear in the BU community. Daily Free Press Staff “It is a strange fate that we should suf- fer so much fear and doubt over so small a After several Boston University stu- thing,” Boromir said in an interview. dents reported a tall, white male having “Such a little thing,” he added with sex with a blonde female on top of the tears in his eyes. College of Arts and Sciences on Wednes- Boromir insisted that his actions were day at 5 p.m., the male suspect has been merely a passionate expression of love. identified as Boromir, the High Warden of “None of us should wander alone,” he Warren Towers. said. Boromir had been hired by Dean of Boromir said he first fell in love with Students Kenneth Elrond in Fall 2011 to the unidentified “BU biddy” when she protect freshmen from potential hazards. blew his Horn of Gondor atop CAS. Despite his commendation of Boromir last “I heard her voice inside my head,” he fall, Elrond denounced Boromir’s actions. said. “You gave away your life’s grace,” El- Students in CAS were startled by the rond stated in a public letter addressed to horn’s blasts, which BU Emergency Man- Boromir. “I cannot protect you anymore.” agement uses along with text messages, Women’s Resource Center president Eo- emails and voicemail alerts to notify stu- wyn, Lady of Rohan, similarly condemned dents and faculty during a crisis, invasion the public display of intercourse, which or time-sensitive situation on campus. came just weeks after one of Boromir’s BU spokesman Colin Wormtongue brothers posted a scroll beckoning their condemned the action as “unbecoming of GLEWYYN QUEEN OF THE NOLDOR / THERE AND FREEP AGAIN LADY brethren to publish coital achievements. a BU gentleman” and said that disciplin- “Dude! She totally polished my Horn of Gondor,” Boromir gloated to buds at Boromir scoffed at such criticism and Boromir Alpha Valar Epsilon. claimed Orcs had forged the scroll to in- , see page 6 2 On the fourth Mersday of Astron of the Third Age FRODO LIVES IF YOU DON’T STUDY YOU SHALL NOT PASS

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By Musin, King of Durin’s Folk when I hear that particular rumor. Daily Free Press Staff I am a certain way. I am relatively take charge clean cut – I like to keep my hairy In a poll released by the Gondor feet well groomed. And I do like to Times earlier this month, more than shop for things for my hobbit hole. of WRC 73 percent of the citizens of Middle If I had to break it down stereo- By Raecla Jackley of the Bree Earth now say they support legal- typically, that would be a gay hob- There and FreeP Again Staff izing gay, lesbian and inter-species bit habit. Well for me it’s not. It’s Vowing to promote cross marriage. a straight hobbit habit,” Baggins dressing, the handling of swords The poll has signaled a change said. and the abolishment of unrequited of heart in the communities of man, Baggins continued to deny his love, Eowyn Lady of Rohan was hobbit, ent and dwarf. No one re- sexual preferences even in the face elected as president of the Wom- ally bothered to ask what the elves of overwhelming evidence to the en’s Resource Center, on Wednes- thought because they all look like contrary. A hobbit who appeared to day. ladies anyway. be Baggins but only identified him- “The Age of Man is over,” Many of those interviewed self as “Mr. Underhill,” was spotted Eowyn said during an interview by There and FreeP Again said hanging around The Prancing Pony from her office in the deepest val- they were not at all surprised by gay bar in the red-light district of leys of Helms Dyke. “And I am the amount of LGBTQiS support Bree at about 3 a.m. on the fourth no man.” showed in the poll. Sterday of Forelithe this year. Known throughout Middle “I’ve always thought that ev- Grubb and several of Baggins’ Earth as an able ruler and a trained eryone, no matter their race should other neighbors have also said that warrior who abhors domestic re- be able to marry the one they love. they witnessed many suspicious sponsibilities, Eowyn aims to Who am I to say that an elf can’t looking hobbits loitering around continue this legacy throughout marry that fine-ass dwarf woman of his house, waiting to get into Bag- her presidency. his dreams…or is that a guy dwarf. gins’ spacious hobbit hole, some- Eowyn said she plans on hold- I can’t tell, they all have beards. times all at the same time, but other ing archery and fencing classes Oi! MUSHROOMS!” said hobbit times alone or with small animals. for members of the WRC who maiden Clura Puddifoot of West- However, it appears that with the want to be able to fight for their march. acceptance of his peers, Baggins GLEWYYN QUEEN OF THE NOLDOR / THERE AND FREEP AGAIN LADY rights without the need of men to Despite popular support for gay has finally decided that it was time “Fram:” Sam and Frodo came out to their families this month and plan defend them. marriage, many congregations of to wed soon. FINALLY! for him to come out of the pantry. “We can’t trust Arago—I mean the Church of Eru Ilúvatar have In a press conference, he and his that delighted some yet shocked no acter did go on an ‘adventure’ with men to handle their swords them- come out strongly against the prac- longtime lover Gamgee revealed one, Frodo Baggins and Samwise a bunch of dudes for like more than selves,” Eowyn said. “I want to tice. their relationship to their families Gamgee of the Shire finally -de a year. Total sausage fest, if you teach women how to possess their “Eru dictates that marriage can and to members of the press. clared that for years they have been ask me,” Dribbo Grubb of Bywater, own swords and handle them only exist between an elf and a “Please, we’d just like every- gay partners, and plan to wed on one of Baggins’ neighbors, said. without men’s help.” she-elf, or a man and a she-man. body to respect our privacy. We’re the second Highday of Wedmath. In the past, Baggins had stead- The Rohan correspondent of Anything else is a sin,” an Ilúvatar overjoyed that we’ve made so The pair’s relationship has been fastly denied that he was ever in- WRC, Veweth Witch, said that spokeself of the Rivendell congre- many people happy and we feel the scrutinized greatly over the years, volved in a homosexual relation- she is proud that Eowyn beat out gation said as a young elf alter boy support of all of you, but now we’re with rumors swirling constantly ship. Legolas for the WRC presidential vigorously polished his staff. gonna go make some hot Hobbit about their apparent involvement. “I’m trying to think of the best position. In light of the poll and in a move love.” “I mean, him and that Sam char- way to describe the feeling I get “She really has much more charisma than that blond elven chick,” Witch said in a carrier Saruman of many colors violates orc rights eagle. By Elruwien Cúthalion and made to fight each other for kingdom to kingdom looking feast on elves, they have accus- As president of WRC, Eo- There and FreeP Again Staff survival (those who lost were fed for a place to stay,” he said. tomed themselves to the practice wyn’s first order of business is to to the Great Spiders). Those who “Those who didn’t turn me away, after centuries of forced canni- instruct a strict kill all evil misog- In light of Saruman’s threats survived began training for Mor- called me names like ‘ugly’ and balism. ynistic bastards or you are kicked of war, inhabitants of Middle goth’s army, but their mistreat- ‘boogeyman.’ I can take a lot of “If you put enough season- out of the WRC rule. It applies to Earth have been told avoid orcs ment did not stop there. physical pain; I’m used to that. ing, they taste like orc,” he said. all past and future members. at all costs. However, an expatri- “They started putting spells But I can only take the name- “They are not so different from “And then once we’re done ate of Saruman’s army of orcs, on our ancestors, and they turned calling for so long.” us. They only like to paint us as killing the evils that men impose who wish to remained unnamed, into monsters,” the expatriate Orcs are often described as different creatures because of our on us we can just go right ahead has revealed details of the con- said. “Sometimes a young orc “ugly” and “filthy” in Middle transformations and because of and marry the first handsome man flict many orcs face. would turn back, so Saruman Earth. Elves especially take of- the things the Dark Lords made that isn’t too afraid of our unshav- While orcs have faced ages made the spells stronger.” fense to any connections made us do.” en legs to talk to us,” Eowyn said of servitude, the insider said In recent years, Saruman between them and orcs. When For now, the expatriate will during her inaugural speech. they have constantly been trans- has worked on crossbreeding asked about their views of orcs, continue to travel throughout “Then we will be prepared to formed and forced to deal with orcs and goblins to increase the the Elrond of Arda claimed they Middle Earth, in hopes of finding live out a quiet and hopelessly an increasingly hideous physiog- strength of the army. Some pure have “no relevant association a welcoming home. He claims, lonely life in the Shire while bear- nomy. orcs fought the new breeds and with those abominable crea- however, that he is not alone. ing scours of children,” she said. These creatures, originally proved their strength. Others, tures.” Other orcs face the same tribu- However, Eowyn’s critics be- elves, were captured by Dark like the expatriate, fled Gondor. The insider, however, dis- lations--even within Saruman’s Lord Morgoth in the first age “I’ve been traveling from agrees. While orcs attack and grip. WRC, see page 5 Fat and back again: Jackson on living large, then not

By Huclya Serinde and Blaennyn Turambar Gandalf and Saruman, and eventually embracing the power of Minas Mor- Daily Free Press Staff I tapped into the magic of the Dark gul will you have a killer body ready Lord, Sauron,” Jackson said. for beach season.” At a stop in Boston as part of a Defying every law of nature, Jack- Jackson’s weight loss didn’t stop press tour for his upcoming film -in son was able to lose nearly a hundred on the set of “King Kong.” After terpretation of J.R.R. Tolkien’s “The pounds while filming the Tolkien winning an Academy Award for Best Hobbit,” director Peter Jackson said classic, but his weight loss didn’t stop Picture for “The Return of the King,” that he had been wondering lately if there. Jackson went on to lose another stag- any of his many fans had noticed his “I was able to use the dieting tech- gering 110 pounds. significant weight loss. niques I picked up during ‘Lord of the “At this point I’m worried,” Jack- “I was fat once,” Jackson said at Rings’ and bring them with me to the son said. “I’m under 150 pounds. I the press conference on Wednesday. set of ‘King Kong’,” Jackson said. need to get some help before I physi- Jackson said he had achieved a “The power of the Dark Lord has no cally deteriorate.” nearly 70 pound drop in his weight bounds.” When Jackson showed up the set from a previous high of 567 pounds. While filming his remake of the of “The Hobbit,” he was the image of According to TMZ.com, Jackson’s 1933 classic, Jackson lost another 55 a walking skeleton. Some of the actors weight dropped substantially during pounds, dropping his weight to an all in the film voiced their concern over the filming of his adaption of the Tolk- time low of 250 pounds. Jackson’s appearance, after seeing ien epic, “The Lord of the Rings.” Jackson’s trainer, Sauron, said that him on set. Actor Andy Serkis, play- When asked about his decline in he recommended the Mordor Diet to ing Gollum in the film, said he is fear- weight during the filming of his -tril Jackson before the filming of “The ful of the possible risks to Jackson’s ogy, Jackson attributed his slimmer Lord of the Rings.” health as a result of his weight loss. appearance to magic. “I told Peter that the best way to “How did he lose all that weight?” GLEWYYN QUEEN OF THE NOLDOR / THERE AND FREEP AGAIN STAFF “When we were on set, I was able lose weight was to embrace the power Serkis said. “He looks like a waif. A Peter Jackson shares a heartbreaking “fat to riches” story to the press to harness the power of wizards like of Mordor,” Sauron said. “Only by ringwraith or something.” Wednesday. 4 On the fourth Mersday of Astron of the Third Age Council The Golumn Column

1,222,132,134,342 year F Volume 8.2 F Issue One Trillion I’m Back, Mother F@#$ers Gimli, Dwarf-in-chief am the hobbit version of Bobby incidentally was the bathroom of the local Legolas, Managing Elf Brown. After receiving an exor- Waffle House, and replaced it with images Faramir, Executive Human bitant amount of media attention of Samuel L. Jackson and Sonny Corleone. Haldir, Campus elf Lisaa Proudfoot, Baby hobbit followingI the release of “The Lord of the I had women every night – one, two, some- Rings,” my reputation as a raw fish eating, times two and a half if I was hungry. But Eowyn, War editor Boromir, Wannabe king bony ring addict was solidified. My ex- above all else, I valued the One Earring wife and children refuse to associate them- that dangled every day and night from my Denathor, Arwen, Nolonna Cotton, Layout hobbit selves with me. So, in an effort to redeem slimy earlobe. Glewyyn, Hobbit friends my reputation, I will update the human But one day on the Seaside beach, mind- Valerie Morgan, Eagle population on my post-Baggins life. Since ing my own business with a 40 of exquisite Earilmadith, Advertising elf I’m pretty sure Keystone Light, I saw with my beady eyes

The Daily Free Press (ISSN 1094-7337) is published Monday through Thursday during that elves and the unmistakable outline of Kirstie Alley. the academic year except during vacation and exam periods by Back Bay Publishing dwarves can’t I waved her over and asked if she would Co.,Inc., a nonprofit corporation operated by Boston University students. No content can be reproduced without the permission of Back Bay Publishing Co., Inc. read. (Yeah join me in a raw fish feast, to which she Copyright © 2010 Back Bay Publishing Co., Inc. All rights reserved. you, Gimli.) responded, “Of course. I’ll eat anything.” What most We laughed, we cried and faster than you people don’t can say “My business is with Isengard to- know about me night, with rock and stone” I was a bona Redeeming Saruman is that I have fide scientologist. a superhuman I performed a ceremony with Kirstie Saruman, once leader of the badass wiz- in Middle Earth. But Isengard looks like a outer layer in which I tossed the One Earring into the ard council Istari, has developed a bad rap. pretty fucked up place, so Big S was only of skin that I ocean. I immediately coughed up the hair- Although he’s portrayed as a traitor who doing what he could with what he had. If GOLLUM/ developed in ball that had been in my throat for, like, is seduced by the sexy power of Sauron, you had to live in a giant black dildo with those musty ever and remembered my name that I had which didn’t work out so well for him in herpes on it, would you be dedicating your SMEAGOL Middle Earth forgotten so many years ago. Turns out my the end (trees are damned dangerous), the S mastery of genetics to curing diseases? caves. Although Peter Jackson would have name was never Smeagol. It was Barry Man had some redeemable moments. Yeah probably, but Saurman didn’t have liked to have you believe that I perished White. For the first time in my life, I gave We now choose to highlight them in a time for that, he had that asshole Worm- amidst the fires of Mount Doom, I actu- a woman an orgasm simply by speaking. reminder to the world that not everyone is tongue on his case all the time. ally got out of there and sprung onto one of That woman was Kirstie. And damn, was perfect. And don’t get us started with that Sau- Gandalf’s eagles. ‘Cause I’m tricksty like it precious. First and foremost, Saruman was played ron. What a dick. that. And since we were only five minutes With Kirstie’s support, I landed a posi- by Christopher Lee in the film version of There wasn’t a whole lot Saruman could from New Jersey (remember all that smog? tion at Lady Foot Locker and participated LOTR. This automatically boosts S up a even do once the Dark Lord had his fiery Or was it that dickweed Smaug?) I had the in a drug rehabilitation program on the couple notches. grip on him. Sauron was the enabler, Saru- beast drop me off in front of the “Jersey side. The psychiatrists weren’t able to en- We all remember Count Dooku from man the addict. Shore” house. I’d caught an episode on tirely cure me of my addictive personality “Star Wars” and Francisco Scaramanga, If anything, the S Man needs to go to re- my portable TV in the Mines of Moria and and transferred my Ring(s) obsession to the James Bond villain with three nipples. hab after the way he coveted that stone eye wanted to check out the deal with all those Four Loko. Now I’m constantly energized If we combined Saruman with these two ball – even Pippin almost totally screwed diamond earrings. If I couldn’t have the and drunk, i.e. a real catch to the Jersey characters, the result would be a Jedi gold- over the entire world for that thing. Nasty One Ring, I wanted the One Earring. ladies. Also, I have no idea what my chil- en gun-wielding wizard with three nipples, stuff. I had trouble fitting in immediately. I dren’s names are. I hope one of them is or in other words, the reincarnation of Je- So at the end of the day, you can’t entire liked my fair skin tone and even though named Samantha Jones. sus Christ. blame Saruman for trying to take over the I’ve always been careful to moisturize, Being a hobbit in modern America is Secondly, Saruman obviously has the world. none of the Jersey hobbits seemed to find hard sometimes. But I’ve come far and power to manipulate genetics, as exempli- If we had an awesome robe like that, me attractive. And since I was in with- have no regrets. I moved out of Popeyes fied by his Uruk-Hai army. we’d probably want to kick some wizard drawal, every earring I saw simultaneously and into a one-bedroom apartment with He would have dedicated his skill to ass, too. threw me into a fit of sexual ecstasy and Danielle Staub of “The Real Housewives curing cancer if there were any hospitals asexual misery. But my behavior was re- of New Jersey.” I acquired a vacation home garded as normal. I was soon accepted into in Afghanistan. And hey, I’m not dumb the Jersey branch of Hells Angels, where I enough to break a concrete bridge with my was bestowed with the One Earring carved staff before hopping off first. in the shape of Hulk Hogan. So deuces, bitches. SAURONBANG At that point I hit rock bottom and ? started tripping acid. One time, I imagined Gandalf and I were playing croquet with a Smeagol (formerly known as Gollum) is few tutu-wearing Uruk-Hai. The Smeagol kind-of a hobbit from the Shire but got hold If you’re not as dumb as dwarves, you’ve probably realized our part of me was buried beneath sex, drugs of the ring for a while and went through April Fools theme is “The Lord of the Rings.” So we here at the old, and rock and roll. I removed the Saruman some tough shit. He can be reached at pre- old, old, old There and FreeP Again thought about what would happen if poster from the wall of my bedroom, which [email protected]. Sauron came to BU. • Dean Elmore would promote Sauron’s presence at BU by telling incoming freshmen and their families that he brings more diversity to campus. We’ll be the • CFA kids would ask if they could shadow him to learn how to be “dark” with their art. Riders of Rohan to your • The Dark Lord would try to invade CAS, then just get lost on the fifth floor. • The men’s hockey team would fight him bravely for two periods besieged Minas Tirith. but then puss out, go home in the third and let Sauron take over BU’s campus. But we can only come to • COM kids would stalk him in hopes of earning money for their Tweets, stories, photos and films about him. your rescue if you let us • CGS would think he’s Santa Claus and ask for presents. He’d turn them into Orcs. know what’s up. • The Daily Free Press would stand by and watch Sauron raise hell, then report on it. That’s how we roll. @ThereAndFreePAgain Is somebody taking your hobbits to Isengard? Tell There and FreeP Again all about it. [email protected] 5 I f G o l lu m w e r e yo u r g u i d e ...

Aragorn, Arwen newest members of lonely hearts club

Huclya Serinde he stepped into Rivendell,” said Galadriel, Arwen’s Hobbit Writer grandmother, in an interview. “But I chose to re- spect Arwen’s wishes. Well look how that turned n a move that shocked millions of adoring out. Maybe next time she’ll listen to me from the hobbits, dwarves, elves and ents, longtime beginning.” high-profile couple Aragorn son of Arathorn Arwen announced that she will be returning to andI Arwen Evenstar of Rivendell announced they her home in Rivendell and moving back in with her are ending their relationship yesterday after more father Elrond while the divorce is finalized. than 100 years of marriage. “This is obviously a very difficult situation for Sources close to the ex-couple said the extreme all of us,” Arwen said in her statement. “I only age difference between the two was a major factor ask that our privacy is respected during this trying in the split, as Arwen is about 2,700 years older than time.” Aragorn. Although the couple cited “irreconcilable Many of the couple’s adoring fans have ex- differences” as the reason for the divorce, close pressed concern for the well-being of the the pair’s friends of Arwen indicated that infidelity on the part children, son Eldarion and at least two unnamed of Aragorn was a factor in the decision to separate. daughters. However, Galadriel announced that she “Aragorn’s been stepping out on Arwen for a will be helping Arwen to care for the children while while now,” said Legolas, a mutual friend of the a custody agreement is worked out. couple. “I love the guy, but everyone knows it. He’s The couple is also in the process of dividing up never really been a one-elf guy.” their belongings among them. Early reports indicate Aragorn reportedly told close friends that he is that under the conditions of the prenuptial agree- “just not that into elves anymore,” and has appar- ment, Arwen will most likely be keeping the man- ently traded his wife in for someone much younger. sion, while Aragorn will be allowed to keep the He was recently spotted at a popular pub in the Shire couple’s horse. with a young blonde woman who remains unidenti- When asked to comment on the split, Gandalf, a fied. Aragorn declined to comment on the issue. mutual friend of the two, said, “Does this mean that “I knew that ranger was trouble from the minute Arwen’s up for grabs now?” Jackson: ‘Tom lost his mind about Nazgul confiscate ‘Precious’ 1500 years ago in the Second Age’ Baggins: From Page 1 decision to search the room, the treated unfairly in the situation. Bombadil: From Page 1 pute, wizard Gandalf the White leader of the Nazgul said that it “I have had that ring for. . .a said that while he admired Jack- the room as well as several other was their job. very, very long time. It is a part “Tom lost his mind about 1500 son’s films, he has been a friend “illegal substances and items.” “Do not come between the of me now,” he said. “I don’t un- years ago in the Second Age,” to Bombadil for near 3 millennia. “They took something...pre- Nazgul and his prey,” he said. derstand how they can say it was Jackson said. “I will not take part “Peter made us all look good cious...to me,” Baggins said, vis- “This is what we were directed illegal for me to have.” in fueling his deluded forest drug with his movies,” Gandalf said. ibly upset. “They had no right to to do.” When questioned about the binges.” “But I’ll never forget…or remem- do that. It’s mine! They want it The others involved in the ring that was confiscated, the Jackson added that Bombadil ber the times I spent with Tom in for themselves!” search refused to comment on the leader of the Nazgul denied was a “wino” and a “bum.” the Old Forest. Those were some According to Baggins, the situation. knowledge of any such item, reit- When asked about the dis- hazy times, man.” Nazgul had taken a ring from the However, Baggins still erating that they were “just serv- room when they searched it. staunchly claims that he was ing their master.” When questioned about the Wormtongue on Eowyn: ‘She is so fair, yet so cold and so alone’ “You fool,” said the Witch WRC: From Page 3 King of Nazgul. “No one man can Daily Free Press Sponsors kill me—oh shit…” lieve she is unprepared for the The Witch King could not re- position. spond to further comment. “She is so fair, yet so cold “There are certain times when and so alone,” said Grima Worm- Rick’s Automotive we need a strong premenstrual tongue. “We need a staff, a warm syndrome driven force to scare and firm wizard’s staff to rule.” the shit out of all of the men in 18 Republic Road, North Billerica, MA Eowyn also lost the support of Middle Earth,” Eowyn said. “It is the Nazguls after a nasty policy that time (of the month) to start disagreement. 978-671-0121 our revolution.” For more information on becoming a Daily Free Press sponsor, send an email to [email protected] or call us at 617-236-4433 Strider!

Todays crossword Daily Free Press Sponsors solution brought to you by... ale College Property Management, Exceptional Dorm and Apt. Cleaning 781-437-2627 For more information on becoming a Daily Free Press sponsor, send an email to [email protected] or call us at 617-236-4433 6 On the fourth Mersday of Astron of the Third Age Mr. John exiled to Conn. Chambers lauds Holland’s victory, but

Muse: From Page 8 destruction of Sauron, Mr. John was exiled to the wasteland of emphasizes need to ‘tap at that stone’ the week prior. Bridgeport, Conn., where he is Holland: From Page 8 about 20 yards away from the have been by the surprising re- After the explosion from the expected to sign an amateur try- out contract with the Bridgeport court, Wolff was able to catch sponses to his legendary achieve- Ring being cast into the heart the action and was dismayed by ment against the orcs, Chambers of Mount Doom and the utter Sound Tigers of the AHL. game. “Is the cancer thing great? what he saw. insists that if Holland can main- Sure it is, and I’m proud of John “I don’t get this whole empha- tain focus and determination go- Boromir: ‘The ladies love Nutella’ for that. But I’ll tell you what sis on defense and rebounding. If ing forward, he’ll do fine as he you ask me, John’s game looked prepares for his post-BU career. Boromir: From Page 1 “I would not go forth like a was more impressive – the de- thief into the night,” Boromir fense he played against those all off from how I remembered “The important thing for said. After leaving CAS, Bo- elves,” Chambers said. “Being it,” Wolff said. “He certainly John’s going to be not to get too ary actions are still being deter- didn’t play how I taught him to. caught up in all this distraction,” mined. romir treated his partner to din- master archers, those guys are ner at Crispy Crepes Cafe in lethal from deep, but John dug At no point did I see him aimless- Chambers said. “Sure, you can Boromir said he took particu- ly dribble and kill time near mid- defeat evil forces and keep his lar offense at Wormstongue’s South Campus. deep and really played 10 min- “The ladies love Nutella,” Bo- utes of BU basketball, helped his court only to force up a contested buddies on their path to save statement and that he considered fallaway 3-pointer with five sec- humanity, but that shouldn’t be himself quite the gentleman. romir said. team get the win.” The battle and the pick-up onds left on the shot clock. too important. What should be game were an interesting ex- “I mean, how do you expect to more important than saving man- perience for Wolff to study and win when you don’t use a proven kind is just continuing to tap at Never Forget re-evaluate a player who he re- strategy like that? Wait until the that stone, focus on one game at cruited to BU and coached for ACC women’s teams get a load a time and keep a good attitude two seasons. of that. They won’t know what and the rest of it – Sauron’s army, RIP THEODEN KING Even though he was being hit them.” Gollum and all that – will take held captive and tied to a tree Blindsided as Holland may care of itself.” Jumper, on fire, reported on Minas Tirith tower. Lolz its just Denethor.

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Quotable “ THE DAILY FELLOWSHIP PRESS EXPANDED RECRUITING

Who does he think I am, Sherrod Durocher Smith? announces plan - John Holland on coach Patrick to recruit Eowyn Chambers’“ praise of his four rebounds in a pick-up after vanquishing of game against dwarfs and elves War Nazgul King, p. 7 [ www.dailyfreepress.com ] PAGe 8 Thursday, March 31, 2011 Muse fails to guard Mt. Doom from Holland destroys Orc army hobbits Chambers far more impressed by four rebounds in dwarf pick-up game afterward By Samwise Gamgee when he took out an army of found other -- albeit more mod- Daily Free Press Staff 250 Orcs led by former BU head est -- accomplishments to praise. Boston College senior goalie coach Dennis Wolff single-hand- “I’ll tell you what, what John John Muse had played some of edly while leading a group of Holland did out there today was the greatest hockey between the unidentified hobbits to Mordor amazing,” Chambers said. “Kill- pipes this side of Gondor in his to destroy the Ring and preserve ing 250 blood-thirsty Orcs – who four years playing among colle- humanity. does that? But I’ll tell you what, giate men. Mr. John had led the While guiding the hobbits and I think John would say the Eagles to two NCAA champion- along a passage that opened into same thing, I was more proud of ships in that span and three Bean- a grassy meadow, Holland saw those four rebounds he pulled pint (no typo) titles. On the indi- a group of the ferocious beasts down in that pick-up game.” vidual level, he had been named charging down the hillside right When informed of what his to two NCAA All-Tournament toward him and his convoy. The former coach said and asked if he teams. hobbits quickly ran away and hid was more proud of his rebounds, But he was at his finest in net in a nearby bush as Holland fend- Holland did not echo his coach’s during the 2010-11 season. His ed off and took out the attacking sentiment. 2.13 goals-against average and Orcs one by one as they barreled “What?! Are you serious?! At .926 save percentage were both toward him with tempers flaring least if you’re not going to give career highs. Soon after the regu- and teeth snarling. me props for taking out an army lar season concluded, Mr. John But after about 10 minutes of of mutants, at least talk a little was named as both the Hockey unadulterated carnage and blood- more about my 31 points in 10 East First-Team goalie and a run- shed, Holland emerged victori- minutes,” Holland said. “Four re- ner-up for the conference’s Player ous and stood tall over the bodies bounds? Who does he think I am, of the Year Award and even took of several hundred Orcs. Wolff Sherrod Smith? I averaged more home the Walter Brown Award was not among the casualties, but than that the entire season.” for the best American-born player was held as a captive. Even before taking out playing in New England. Even after such a heroic feat, Wolff’s army of orcs, Holland It was those accolades that led Holland and the hobbits man- utilized resting breaks from the the Dark Lord Sauron to name aged to find time and energy to walk to Mordor in order to work Mr. John the guarder of Mount Senior forward John Holland singlehandedly slayed 250 orcs, then meet up with a group of wander- on a cure for cancer, which he Doom. The former BC netminder, put up 31 points in 10 minutes in a pickup game against a team of ing elves and dwarves for a quick ultimately invented a few days ago. Holland, whose parents are who was not drafted by an NHL dwarfs and elves. game of pick-up basketball. “It was incredible, man, I doctors, said he developed a ca- team and was therefore free to is the all-time leader in minutes sign with whomever he so de- By Friagrin Smallburrow couldn’t believe it,” Holland sual interest in medicine once he Daily Free Press Staff played at BU and to fittingly cap said. “There were moments got to BU and would work on it sired, was to strap on his pads for off his career, he won the 2011 In his four years playing for where I felt overwhelmed, but I sometimes after practices. the first time as a professional on America East Player of the Year the Boston University men’s kept at it and managed to come But even news of such a medi- Wednesday. and helped lead his team to the basketball team, senior forward out on top.” cal breakthrough was not enough His main charge was to stop NCAA Tournament by all but John Holland dazzled, amazed While many would be com- for Chambers, who used the op- men, Elves, dwarfs, Hobbits or putting them on his back. and rewrote the program’s re- pletely awed by such an act of portunity to laud another facet any other individuals from Mid- Yet while transplanted into cord books in the process. He courage, BU coach Pat Cham- of Holland’s play in the pick-up dle Earth from passing and poten- Middle Earth, the Bronx, N.Y., scored over 2,000 career points, bers, upon hearing the news tially casting the One True Ring. native seemingly outdid himself Holland, see page 7 “We’re just so proud of John- ny,” said BC coach Jerry York upon hearing of Mr. John’s sign- ing. “He just tries so hard, arrrgh, Durocher hopes to recruit shieldmaiden Eowyn and I couldn’t think of a better By Isithrarith the Tall play for various schools’ lacrosse person to keep good-doers from Daily Free Press Staff and fi eld hockey teams but, after stopping Sauron’s inevitable watching a video of the Pittsburgh take-over over Middle Earth.” After Eowyn’s impressive per- Penguins-New York Islanders “MUUUUUUUUUUUUSE,” formance at the Battle of Pelennor game on Feb. 11 that included 15 yelled Sauron in a press confer- Fields, in which she destroyed the major penalties for fi ghting, de- ence, echoing Eagles’ fans cheers King of the Nazgul singlehand- cided ice hockey was for her. from his days at Conte Forum. edly after the rest of the Riders of Durocher said he’s concerned However, that was to be Rohan were unable to do so, Bos- that Eowyn may choose to enroll the beginning of the end of Mr. ton University women’s hockey at Boston College instead, as the John’s success. coach Brian Durocher said that rolling hills of the suburban cam- After inking his contract and he is looking into recruiting the pus may remind her of her home officially taking sides with Saru- shieldmaiden to play for the team in Rohan. man and the rest of the orcs, Mr. next year. But he said he believes the John – who had been 8-0-0 in “What’s she’s done in the past, chance to play for a program that NCAA tournament games com- as a member of a great program reached the national champion- ing in - allowed seven goals in like the Riders of Rohan on the ship for the fi rst time this season just two periods of BC’s 8-4 loss global stage, is real impressive,” could help attract her to BU. to Colorado College in the first Durocher said. “We’ve made some great round of this year’s tourney. “She’s a great kid and although strides as a team this year, and I Soon after taking his post in I don’t know if she’s ever played can see Eowyn as part of our plan front of Mount Doom, Mr. John hockey before, I think she’d bring going forward,” Durocher said. was confronted by two Hob- the same competion level to the “We’re losing some leaders bits (this writer included) and a rink that we’ve seen her bring on in Holly Lorms, Jillian Kirchner Eowyn tries out a new mouthguard in preparation for the transi- creature known by both Smeagol the battlefi eld.” and Lauren Cherewyk this year tion from fi ghting Ringwraiths to Division 1 college hockey. and Gollum. The smoke from the Durocher has done some im- to graduation, but I think she’s a volcano behind him clouded the pressive recruiting in the past, young lady who’d be able to step bringing in Canadian Olympians Wednesday that she is consider- love to have the chance to go into guard’s vision, causing him to ing leaving Middle Earth because battle without having to disguise right into a leadership role. lose sight of the trio in front of Marie-Philip Poulin and Cathe- “Her skill with the sword rine Ward, both of whom had out- there are far more opportunities herself as a man. him. As such, he dropped into the for women available outside of “I don’t know if I’d really should translate pretty naturally butterfly too early and all three standing years this past season. to handling the puck, and I would The adjustment between living in Rohan and Gondor. need all those pads, but it would were able to deke the former BC Although she has won fame be interesting to learn to fi ght on really love to see Eowyn playing star and scamper past him. Mr. Montreal and Boston is one thing, the wing on that top power-play but the Terriers have never had a and renown throughout the land the ice instead of on the fi eld,” John never saw them, just like he after her defeat of the King of the Eowyn said, adding that she has unit alongside Marie-Philip next had been unable to see the puck in player from Middle Earth before. season.” Eowyn said in a statement on Nazgul, she said that she would also received scholarship offers to The Bottom Line First Mersday of Astron First Highday of Astron First Sterday of Astron First Sunday of Astron First Monday of Astron

Jousting @ The Shire, 4 p.m. Rohan vs. Gondor Varsity Football, 7 p.m. John Holland Basketball Clinic @ Archery @ Mirkwood, All Day Elves FC vs. Dwarfs United, 2 p.m. Rivendell, All Day