The Krewe du Vieux Presents PURPLE PROSE, YELLOW JOURNALISM Le Monde de Merde AND THE LUST Vol. 26, No. 1 February 11, 2017 Priceless FOR GREEN Krewe du Vieux Presents The Crass Menagerie Bunny Matthews Is leading the way), mandatory gun ownership, and a national registry of all Drawn to Royal Role Muslims and Democrats. Also included THE INDEPENDENT PRINCIPALITY were walls around all “blue” states and OF ORLEANS – Consensus reality has a ban on higher education. officially become a myth in the United All this begged the question, “What’s States. in your rectum?” Not that it ever really existed, but Down home in Louisiana, the state now there are hundreds – thousands – of budget made a sinkhole look like a different realities. was Poverty Point Indian mound – and the most qualified presidential candidate poverty was indeed the point. Among in half a century. Hillary Clinton was the items taxed to repair the Jindal the most corrupt presidential candidate devastation were mosquitos, crawfish ever. cares only about boils, the LSU offense, the Saints Donald Trump. Donald Trump will defense, swamp gas, potholes, and Parade Route of the Krewe du Vieux, Saturday, February 11, 2017 at 6:30 PM make America great again. breathing. The attempt to tax businesses, housing and health care prices continue of C.R.U.D.E., Krewe of Space Age America is already great. America however, was not successful. to skyrocket due to the increasing Love, Krewe of Underwear, Seeds elected Donald Trump. When not busy leaving gaping holes number of STRs (Sexually Transmitted of Decline, Krewe of Mama Roux, Paving the way for the country to go in the budget, the state legislature Rentals). But in one bright spot, the Krewe of L.E.W.D., Krewe of Drips to hell in a handbasket of deplorables, displayed the gaping holes in their proposal to repurpose the Fly as the and Discharges, Krewe of K.A.O.S., the Electoral College turned out to be brains by passing a law mandating that Autobahn Zoo never really got into gear. Knights of Mondu, T.O.K.I.N., Krewe as much of a fraud as Trump University. Bourbon Street strippers could not be These and many other divergent Rue Bourbon, Krewe de C.R.A.P.S., Russian hackers under the direction of younger than 21, then passing another realities will come together in a Mystic Krewe of Spermes, Mystik Russo-Jamaican President Ras-Putin law mandating that they could not be crass, cosmic and completely surreal Krewe of Comatose, Krewe of the took Wiki-leaks on the voters, who older than 21. This helped “Surreal ID” performance, when the critters, Mystic Inane, Krewe du Mishigas, and were too busy screaming at each other driver’s licenses become immensely Twitters, porn-fritters and oh baby Krewe of SPANK. to notice. Candidate Trump made popular. baby babysitters of Krewe du Vieux Also marching will be many of the Pinocchio look George Washington, State Treasurer John Kennedy will take to the streets of the Marigny, city’s top brass bands. Showcasing the while Candidate Clinton was too busy channeled his inner Ross Perot, winning French Quarter and CBD on Saturday, local brass band talent is one of the few counting her chickens to break through the open U.S. Senate seat with a February 11 at 6:30 PM. Spectators Krewe du Vieux traditions that Donald the crass ceiling – though she did land campaign theme of “There’s pot in are advised to watch out for wild Trump has not attacked on Twitter – yet. a gig as ’s replacement on every chicken when you taste like animals, wandering crassholes, and The Krewe du Vieux is a nonprofit Fux News. a Conservative alligator.” Attorney menageries à trois. organization dedicated to the historical Clearly, even H.L. Mencken General Jeff Landry channeled his inner Artfully ruling over the parade and traditional concept of a Mardi Gras overestimated the intelligence of the David Vitter, seizing the title of the most this year will be Bunny Matthews, parade as a venue for individual creative American public – and Monde de Merde mean-spirited hypocrite in Louisiana. renowned portrayer of local color, expression and satirical comment. It is was way ahead of its post-truth time. Locally, reality was also spinning in culcha, characters, and Goofy Guys. unique among all Mardi Gras parades At any rate, the result was the many directions, while the crime rate King Bunny will reign Vic-torius and be because it alone carries on the old accession of President Forrest Trump, was spinning further out of control. Nat’ly dressed while performing brain Carnival traditions, by using decorated, who immediately named a pussy grab Mayor Mitch “Son of Moon” Landrieu salad surgery on the Krewe. hand or mule-drawn floats with satirical bag of bad hombres and nasty women to told the people to jack off while he The Krewe du Vieux’s seventeen themes, accompanied by costumed his cabinet. His transition team, led by rewrote their Masturbate Plan, but then subkrewes will each present their own revelers dancing to the sounds of jazzy son Eric Clapton “Small Hand” Trump, he couldn’t get over the low barrier to crassy, sassy, brassy, gassy, lower street musicians. We believe in exposing promoted a flaws and disorders platform shelter. Like his buddy emperor Sidney classy, smart-assy, glassy-eyed and the world to the true nature of Mardi that included mandatory greenhouse IV, it became increasingly clear that he definitely grass-fed versions of the Gras – and in exposing ourselves to gas emissions (with the White House had no clothes. Nor will anyone else, if theme. Subkrewes include the Krewe the world.

– 1 – A Man of Character – and Many Characters! If N’Awlins ain’t got nuttin’ else, it his wonderful wife, Debbie, who will got culcha, hawt! join him on the royal float as Queen And no one, absolutely no one, of the parade. has captured our whacky, wonderful While perhaps best known for Vic culture better than artist and writer and Nat’ly, as well as “Tammany Bunny Matthews. Now, in a case Toons” and a number of other cartoons, of life imitating art imitating some King Bunny is indeed a real artist. alternate universe, King Bunny will While his instantly-recognizable style be living that culture as the merry has an almost inherently humorous monarch of Krewe du Vieux 2017. bent, he has tackled serious subjects “Even as a child I could see that we when the occasion called for it. A were different,” recalls our scribbling prime example came after the BP Sire. “My mother used to bring me oil spill, when he did a remarkable with her to Schweggman’s, which is parody of Picasso’s “Guernica” called where it dawned on me the people “Nint’ Wardica”. That it was created in New Orleans talked in a different with charcoal on a sheet of Tyvek way. I don’t think that’s bad, I think only served to further emphasize the “I didn’t do anything wrong, I just therapy, occupational therapy, speech it’s good.” message. The piece now hangs in the got cancer,” is the King’s matter-of- therapy – and now, Krewe du Vieux In many ways, the results were Ogden Museum of Southern Art. fact explanation; indeed, the disease therapy. probably pre-ordained. “I like to That said, the King’s natural subject runs in his family. “Now you got it, so Our comical Count’s connection draw,” understates our artistic matter tends to trend towards the lighter now you fight it. You can’t think about with the Krewe goes back a long Archduke. “So I just put myself in side of New Orleans life, whether it’s stuff too much, you just have to do it. way. Bunny and Debbie used to go their shoes. Everybody’s like Vic and offering a unique look at Mardi Gras “Cancer is part of our evolution – watch the old Clones parades, and Nat’ly, really.” or producing a series on that favorite sharks and elephants don’t get it,” were friends with Don Marshall, the Ah yes, Vic and Nat’ly Broussard, local fauna, the cockroach, for the observes our erudite Earl (many of prime instigator of Krewe du Vieux. the quintessential New Orleans Audubon Insectarium. Those wishing his Vic and Nat’ly cartoons include And when the Krewe needed a logo, characters. Purveyors of sloppy to explore his artistic talents further quotes from great literature). “It really the choice of artist was obvious. po’boys from a vaguely located 9th can find his work at the Arthur Roger shows you what’s important in life.” “We talked about doing a parody of Ward shop, this illustriously odd Gallery locations and website. King Bunny credits Queen Debbie the old-line krewe logos,” remembers couple first appeared in 1982, in the (And just to prove that in New with being a tremendous source His Majesty. “Krewe du Vieux should pages of the old Figaro. Since then, Orleans there are no coincidences and of support in his battle against the be fun, so that’s the direction we they have traveled the world in books at most two degrees of separation, Mr. disease; she in turn points out that went.” and even the “Vic and Nat’ly Show” Roger’s father was a conductor on the “he is the only person I know who has The result was the much-beloved on television. original streetcar named Desire ….) gained weight while having cancer!” Goofy Guy, the legendary symbol of Our cartooning Caliph was himself Our multi-talented monarch is also While the fight has occupied the the Krewe. Rex himself has nothing the host of the show, which featured an exceptional writer. In particular, he largest part of his life for the past 18 on Goofy. its own collection of characters as has covered the regional music scene months – he’s had four brain surgeries In this context, selecting Bunny guests, from Cab Calloway to Marilyn for a variety of publications over the and been hospitalized much of that Matthews to be this year’s royalty was Chambers to Pete Fountain. And if years, which has only increased the time – it has done nothing to dampen a natural. “Everybody says Krewe du the guest du jour failed to appear, variety of characters available to this his spirit and little to impact his art – Vieux is perfect for me – what does our King would simply run down to Sultan of Sketch. with one exception. that mean?” ponders the puzzled the bus stop on the corner and grab No one ever seems to make it “I stopped drawing Vic with a Potentate. “But truly, it’s an honor. people. through life without a few major cigarette in his mouth,” notes the I’m glad to do it – I’m glad that I’m “Everybody in New Orleans has a curveballs thrown their way, and King. “I promised my doctor I would alive!” story,” laughs our Liege. “People here King Bunny’s great challenge arrived do that. I realize I have a bully pulpit As he and Queen Debbie prepare like to talk about anything. They talk in the form of being diagnosed with through my art, so I use it to show for their royal ride, King Bunny has a to strangers. They talk in the elevator.” brain cancer in June 2015. You will people you can fight.” simple piece of advice for his equally Not only did the TV show introduce not be surprised to hear that he has And the battle seems to be turning simple subjects: “Have fun and party Vic and Nat’ly to new audiences, it faced it with an exceptional mix of his way. “I can feel my body coming hard!” introduced our delightful Duke to determination and good humor. back,” he says, aided by physical Yeah you rite!

– 2 – The Russians Are Coming! NEW MOSCOW – February 11th, from The New Orleans Hypocrite, on the horizon. The CIA and FBI of their industrial-waste beverage 2017, is to be another day that will the city’s newest pseudo-newspaper, will be disbanded and the KGB will using the blood of clubbed baby seals “live in infamy”. A scarlet tsunami of Krewe Captain Boris Borscht operate out of Trump hotels. Vladimir to flavor a new “Revolutionary” spirit, Russian spies, hackers and bartenders bellowed, “We’ll need to erect a wall Putin will win the contract to replace though Black Russian cocktails will will attack New Orleans near Jackson of go-cups and crappy beads soaked in America’s voting machines; they will be forbidden because they contain Square. Our beloved Krewe du Vieux Lucky Dog wiener water to keep them feature not-so-easy-to-read Cyrillic Kahlua made by Mexican rapists. parade and our lives are in peril. out! Their assault will commence script, and voters will be required to Magnet schools will morph into Top secret invasion plans were at 6:30 PM on parade night and of provide their bank account numbers Magnate Schools as Russian Tea Party discovered when former President course the entire city will be watching and pins in order to vote. Republicans teach coercion, racism, Obama counter-hacked Russia’s pornographic floats while the KGB Restaurants will cancel individual cronyism, and corruption. Drunken cyberspace division. The war plans and former K&B clerks quietly slip orders, instituting collective buffets husbands and soldiers will trade were horrifying. ashore. instead, featuring Soviet delicacies nuclear weapons for sex. Russian gift WWOZ has been deemed a high “Red State Republicans will have like obedience and servitude. The shops will sell sets of molesting dolls. value target and easy to conquer. Spies paved the way for the once-hated pinko holy trinity of bell peppers, celery, and Trump’s ascension to the bully know that Saturday night’s radio show commies,” the Captain predicted. onions will forever become potatoes, pulpit of the Comatose float will not- host Jamie Dell’Apa will be drunk. “Baton Rouge will become Baton beets, and turnips. Commie Cajuns so-secretly include “Vlad the Impaler” The new call sign will be WCCCP, and Russe! Mayor Mikhail Landruvich can harvest soil from Louisiana’s Putin. “Tiny Hands” Trump will be the station will feature all polka, all the and Stasha Headski will sell what’s Superfund sites to grow monster beets “feeling the Bern” as Vlad shags time. The Tropical Isle Hand Grenades left of our local culture.” for their Borscht Gumbo. Ancient him. The country needs to know what shop takeover will follow and assure Among the additional horrors garfish from Louisiana swamps will these plutocrats are up to. We cannot victory over the State Police. Cafe du predicted by Comatose, Wikipedia be trapped and gutted for their caviar let despair settle like a thick fog over Monde will be the third location to and most of the Internet will crash by the ousted members of Schmuck Orleans Parish, the one blue island in a conquer since New Orleans Police are under the weight of millions of leaked Dynasty. (Watch out for beard hair.) sea of red Louisiana madness. COME powerless (and powderless) without documents as World War III appears Taaka Vodka will ramp up production PREPARED TO FIGHT! sugar and coffee. “Operation: From Russia with Comatose’s Top Ten Predictions For 2017 Glove” will also employ pussy Krewe du Vieux Democrats have finally released documents from the vaults that promise to snatching and purse snatching as Doo show how unfair and unbalanced their news and our future is: Krewe du Vieux passes by. The Uber 1. Chernobyl is to be the site of Trump’s next hotel. He bought it with “other people’s Saturday, February 11 logo will change to a hammer and rubles” at a reduced price. Guantanamo will follow soon thereafter. Doors open 8:00 PM sickle with “Russia uber alles” decals. 2. Louisiana will secede and use the city of Cut Off as its gulag. The town of French French Quarter mules will be replaced Settlement will become Russian Resettlement. Civic Theater by dancing bears and New Orleans 3. Secret medical records will reveal that Vladimir’s obsession with horses stems from 510 O’Keefe Avenue bike taxi drivers will become old possessing a gigantic asshole that only a stallion can satisfy. Russian women with babushkas. 4. Washington’s Capitol Building will become onion-domed; the Statue of Liberty will featuring The battle is to be swift and violent. hold a hammer and sickle; and the new Black Heritage Museum will be filled with “White Herlin Riley Political prisoners will be sentenced to Only” toilets and colored servants. and His Krewe du Funk work details with Sidney Torres’ “IV 5. Trump’s propaganda will further vanquish anti-Soviet sentiment among Republicans with very special guests Waste Unto Death” empire. Even the who couldn’t even locate Russia from Sarah Palin’s porch. and venerable Mississippi River will be 6. North Korea’s glorious leader Kim Young Suck will get a blow job from Donald “Puffy renamed “Crimea River”. Lips” Trump for granting him Pyongyang hotel rights. Water Seed The good news is that The Mystick 7. Natashki Ramsey and Sean Scummings will finish gentrifying our city in accordance Krewe of Comatose is, surprisingly, with the Master Disaster Plan. Tickets $40 Available from fully prepared for battle. Fifty two 8. Words like “detente” will vanish as the Russians finish hacking Google. A search for confirmed alcoholics will confront “Ukrainian freedom fighters” will produce a knock on your door. Krewe du Vieux members the Communist pinko thugs, whack 9. The Russian takeover of the Muses parade will result in drunken professional women Up in Smoke the hackers, and smash them like a stealing your shoes and beating you. (Actually sounds like fun.) 2101 Magazine Street stale Hubig’s Pie in your back pocket. 10. Rex and Comus will fight to the death over who got the baby in the last King Cake Louisiana Music Factory When asked to comment on this they shared. Mayor Landruvich will then join the battle to skewer haughty bluebloods and 421 Frenchmen Street dangerous development by a reporter make shish kebabs as the 2017 Hungry For Power Games commence.

– 3 – King to Losers: Laissez Les Rouxling Crass Rouxler! Mayor Cites LA NOUVELLE NOUVELLE– cultural appropriation in service of markets and big box grocery stores Orléans - A war of words has broken the antiquated march of the royal to give free King Cake samples and Potholes as out in advance of the impending entourage and hangers-on through the go-cups of lead-free water to all Safety Asset French Quarter Revolution, putting most desirable parts of town during citizens who passed a urine test and THE BIG DIP – Mayor Mitchell J. the current period of history-changing the height of the tourist season. submitted a photo ID. ”Let them eat Landrieu announced today that he is social and political upheaval on the “St. Pierre better watch his mouth,” King Cake!”, Her Majesty demanded, directing the Department of Public back balustrades while both sides air tweeted His Majesty, “I know a guy in heavily accented and grammatically Works to stop fixing potholes in the their disagreements on social media. with very huge connections who has incorrect French. city streets, citing public safety as Sources inside the Palace of Versailles a photo of him without his pants! The annual fashion show, taking the reason. Boulevard tell Le Monde du Merde #SansCulottes.” The hashtag “Sans place on February 11 and featuring “Until we have traffic cameras at that King Justin-Baptiste Le Moyne de Culottes” is a thinly veiled reference the royal family, their courtiers, the every intersection to catch speeders, Mama Roux and Queen Annetoinette to St. Pierre’s leaked e-mails, and aristocrass du jour, and the dominant we will rely on our much-celebrated de la Mothe de Cadillac Coupe de refers to his nickname at the Canal clergy, will provide an entertaining potholes to reduce the speed of Ville have now walked back remarks Street Brothel. viewing of the current mode in New vehicles,” explained the mayor. He previously attributed to the royal Not to be outdone by her consort, Clothes, designed and produced by added that the process works in the Twitter account, @LEtatCestMoi. the Queen later took to Facebook to specially chosen foreign Tailors who same way as speed bumps, except in As reported extensively in MdM, call on all the kingdom’s taverns, cater exclusively to the upper crass. reverse. Landrieu cited the success of backed up with leaked e-mails obtained delayed street construction throughout by the shadowy underground hacker Underwear Take a Wiki-Leak the city as an example of how these collective formerly known as the street impediments can be used to Times-Pickileaks, despite the ravages ECUADORAN EMBASSY SUITES To: Vladimir control traffic flow. of the War on Christmas, the desperate HOTEL – First it was “Anonymous”. From: Donald As an added benefit, the mayor stated shortage of French bread among the Now a new pack of hackers, slackers, Subject: Thanks for Everything “These speed holes will improve our po-boys of the River Parishes, and the crackers and love-shackers has To: Jesuit High School economy by providing more work refusal of the Hoe Bourgeoisie to pay emerged -- and this shadowy new From: Mike Yenni for auto repair shops. Besides, the any income taxes on their full-maison group, known only as “Underwear”, Subject: Great Student Body! police are too busy protecting tourists short-term rentals, the controversial claims to have hacked the Mac-daddy To: Airbnb and Short-Term Rental inhabitants to House of Capet are determined to go hacker of all, Julian Ass-ange of Wiki- From: Mitch allocate personnel for traffic duty.” through with their annual Bourbon Leaks. Subject: Loved That Free Paris STR Monde de Merde asked more than Street Fashion Promenade and Cake “It was a piece of cake,” smacked To: Alexa 6900 local drivers for their responses, Sale benefiting themselves, their Underwear Spokes-hacker Norton From: Siri but was unable to obtain anything relatives, and their various self- McAfee. “That jackass was so busy Subject: You Upstart Bitch printable even in this newspaper. dealing charity-like organizations. trying to shack the Swedish bikini To: The Defense The palace came in for harsh team that we just jacked his laptop and From: Drew Poetry Corner criticism from blogger Jean-Paul ran. Unshackling his password was an Subject: My Arm Hurts Murat, who, in a cryptic posting on the easy tack. About our third crack at it To: John Bel Entitled popular website FriendOfThePeople. was ‘Trumpforpresident’, and his files From: Jeffy L By Tennis E. Williams com, stated, “There is nothing about unpacked like a sack of Crackerjacks. Subject: Fairness? You Want Fairness? Suddenly Last Summer, the affordable housing crisis that So piss on him!” To: N.O. Department of Revenue A Cat On A Hot Tin Roof can’t be solved by the separation of To back their assertion, Underwear From: Mitch Ate a Sweet Bird Of Youth. a few thousand nobility, celebrities, released 6.9 million emails they claim Subject: Tits, Tax, Tows hipster trustafarians, and rich Japanese to have hijacked from Ass-ange’s “This is just a snack,” cracked Orpheus Descending caught tourists from their beautifully-coiffed main server. However, the stack another Underwear hacker, Barack A Streetcar Named Desire little heads.” provided to Monde de Merde included “Shaq” Mac. “We have a knack for To get A Rose Tattoo, King Justin made the royal position only the “To”, “From” and “Subject” online attacks. Wait ‘til you see whose While Small Craft Warnings on the issue less than clear with a 3:00 lines from the emails. rack we whack next.” Blew away The Night Of The Iguana. a.m. tweet in response to criticism “We’re going to tackle the hot, wet from Committee of Public Safety bodies of those emails in private,” The Trump Impeachment Pool that was slated to appear in this space has been cancelled. chairman Hebert St. Pierre. St. Pierre cackled McAfee. The pool was won by Walter Shaub Jr., Director of the Office of Government Ethics, had questioned the propriety of the Among the email headings tracked who correctly predicted that Trump would be in violation of the Emoluments Clause of the Constitution on day one. city’s barricading of streets and blatant by MdM were the following:

– 4 – CRUDE Defeats Reality Using (Fucking) Magic SOMEWHERE OVER THE into a myth. How? By using fucking cares? It makes people happy. Being blow reality back where it belongs, RAINBOW – The following manifesto magic, of course. magical makes people happy. Being back in to the realm of myth as our was received by Monde de Merde “There is no other choice. If the fucking magical makes people fucking magic rules the street.” from a mysterious cult believed to be events that some claim for 2016 did happy. So when CRUDE rolls, we will named the Council to Revive Urban indeed unspool onto the world, that Decadent Entertainment: would truly blow. Who wants reality Inane Solves the Riddle of the Sphinxter “The dread year 2016 did not to blow? CRUDE reserves blowing VALLEY OF THE DOLL-KINGS popped ol’ Sphinxy. happen. It is rumor, nothing more. for other things - starting with your – The Great Sphinx has befuddled, They soon found their offspring This is a proclamation written in mind. bemused and constipated scientists for behaving oddly. Complaining of letters made of rainbows, pulled “Magic also begins in the mind, ages. How was it built? Did it get a stomach problems, the Sphinx whined across the horizon by a team of and when CRUDE rolls it will spill good lawyer for that botched nose job? constantly. After ruling out a gluten unicorns and heartily cheered by the out onto the streets to paint a different So many questions. But few poked allergy, Anusamongus and Nefrititties gnomes, trolls, ape men and mermaids reality. around its darkest, deepest, tightest realized with horror what had truly who inhabit our world. “This is a reality of hair that grows puzzle of all. gone wrong. The Sphinx had an “This is also the message of CRUDE more lush with age, boobs that only Until now. The Krewe of the entrance but no exit. and we will share it in a grand and grow perkier, unicorn horns always Mystic Inane has dared to challenge Nefrititties sprang into action. She fitting fashion as Krewe du Vieux pointing the right way, bubbles spun that knobbiest and slipperiest called on her eldest son Ramses rolls. Our theme is this: CRUDE is from thin air, booze that flows forever, conundrum: the big weird head with to hammer out a solution. And so Fucking Magical....Reality Blows. and Jell-O shots that never stick to the Darth Vader haircut is all well with diligence and Astroglide, the “We are not deniers. We are their cups. It’s about priorities. and good, but what is seriously up Sphinxter bloomed into the world. mythmakers and we have made 2016 “Does our world make sense? Who with the Sphinx’s back end? Hidden At least, that was the myth. under eons of sand and stone, its Pu’Upschute spent the next 40 years mysteries are so hard to reach around. ruling out other theories behind the Was the Sphinx regular? Did it suffer actual statue and, well, its behind. hemorrhoids? Could it hold in farts? ”Aliens were easy to dismiss,” To answer these, the Krewe Pu’Upschute said. “Everyone knows embarked on a great journey to solve their probes only work on cows and the Riddle of the Sphinxter. Midwesterners. They never made it to They tracked down the acclaimed Jersey, let alone Egypt.” egyptoproctologist Miles Long In the end, Pu’Upschute traced Pu’Upschute to snap on the latex the statue’s origin to the dynasty of gloves and lead the way. Little did Ramses — the king, not the god. they know, he had already solved Ramses became pharaoh after his the riddle. From his office on Aycock lesser known older brother, Handses, Street in New Orleans one puckered got a little grabby. The king honored afternoon, he told his story. his eponymous god by digging a big He began with how the Sphinxter hole and putting a human-headed cat came to be. Millennia ago, the mud on it. god Anusamongus fell in love with Satisfied, Inane honors Nefrititties, an Egyptian queen Pu’Upschute’s life achievement known for her sensible shoes and this year and has left the old man mountainous breasts. For their first to plunge into new mysteries softly born, Anusamongus gave Nefrititties and at a medium pace. Pu’Upschute, a little Ramses, which left them however, said he’d rather spend his both very sore. But then they got time titillating dinner guests with a little frisky with the cat goddess riddles on their cocktail napkins. Cuntuncommon one evening after A favorite: “What is red when it smoking too much papyrus, and out pouts and brown when it shouts?” “No one ever went broke underestimating the intelligence of the American public.” – H. L. Mencken

– 5 – MdM Society Page Opening Night at Studio 504 – A Hedonistic LEWD Zoogropia NEW ORLEANS AP (after party) – Nicholson was seen passed out in Everyone in New Orleans knew this the corner. Taking it all in with a was THE place to be: Studio 504 cigarette dangling from the corner of opening night - Zoogropia. The line his mouth was Salvador Dingo with snaked around the corner. Famous his trademark mustache. and infamous disco animals were Quaaludes from the good Dr. everywhere. The door gorillas, furry, Doolittle were passed out like candy. muscular and mean, were turning It wasn’t long before an orgy the away the unworthy left and right; if likes of which may never be seen they were not sparkly enough, hot again ensued. Everyone was groping enough or interesting enough they everything. There were paws and were turned away. Even a then- teeth and tails and claws and, of unknown Donald and Ivanka Duck course, one Dildo Porcupine at the didn’t make the cut. center of it all. The crowd was so eager to get in Confetti fell from the ceiling like one door gorilla later stated “It was snow. The fashion designer Hawkston sheer madness. Fur and paws and flew through the crowd. Gloria claws everywhere.” Gator donned a sequined green dress Inside the music throbbed and snapping her giant jaw around an the disco fleur dis lis twirled. Tons unknown deer. The Bee Geex groped of glitter covered the floor and the and groaned each other and everyone patrons. It was like “standing on else, squealing in delight in their high stardust,” according to one animal. pitched voices. The crowd surged around her. They to start up again the next night, and A giant cocaine spoon traveled to the Just when the crowd reached its were furry, they were fabulous, and the next. The LEWD Studio 504 nose of the Man in the Moon in the orgasmic pinnacle, Bianca Jaguar they were fucked up. Zoogropia was the party that would center of the club. Shirtless, muscular, arrived riding a giant white horse. The party lasted ‘til dawn, only never end. sweaty bear-men manned the bar and danced on top of it. The drinks flowed Mishigas Reveals Latest Trump Twitter Feud freely into the mouths of the disco Rosie O’Donnell, Bill Maher, U.S. Wrong! You’re the loser. The float is of me Alec Baldwin @DonaldTrumpSNL animals. intelligence agencies, Meryl Streep, and it’s going to be great. They all want to You’ve got to be kidding me. This has To one side Andy Warthog and Arianna Huffington, SNL, Barack build a float of me. But the Jews know how gone too far. Someone stop this trainwreck to make floats. That’s why theirs will be the before Trump becomes leader of the free Hyena Turner were doing bumps off Obama, , climate change, best. # KreweOfMishigas. world. the chest of one of the bartending Megyn Kelly, Cher, John Lewis. What bears. Farrah Foxette pranced around do all of these have in common? Jabba the Hutt @JabbaTheHutt Donald J. Trump @RealDonaldTrump Noah, noah! Tinka me chasa hopoe ma Shut your face, Billy Boy. This isn’t about dancing by herself in the middle They – and so many others – have booty na nolia. you. You’re weak. D-list actor. This is about of the dance floor, the disco lights been the targets of Donald Trump The Donald. The Donald float will be unbe- circulating above her head. Whatever Twitter attacks. Now the Krewe du Donald J. Trump @RealDonaldTrump We don’t need any more Hutts. Go back lievable. Everyone will be worshipping me. she was on, she didn’t need groping Mishigas has revealed the Trump’s to your AlieNation. You fat loser. I’ll have It’s my float. The Mishigas love me. Krewe to feel good. The 11- year-old Beaver latest vendetta victim: Jabba the Hut. you locked up. du Vieux loves me. Everyone loves me. Even the Hutts love me. Shields twirled around her in a Donald J. Trump @RealDonaldTrump dizzying array of fur and glitter, her Jabba the Hutt @JabbaTheHutt Krewe du Vieux is going to be amazing Hagwe je killya, dolpa kikyuna! Jabba the Hutt @JabbaTheHutt paddle tail spanking those who got this year. Huge. Bigger than ever. I hear the Dobrah gusha tu trawbbio grandio, mend- too close. Mishigas krewe is making a float of me. I bet Donald J. Trump @RealDonaldTrump eeya. Celebrities flocked to Studio 504’s it’s going to be spectaclar. Best float in the Loyal American? You’re a fat liberal #Lib- eral. You should be sent back to your world Donald J. Trump @RealDonaldTrump Zoogropia. Lizard Minnelli scurried whole parade. with the rest of your kind. Then we will build Now you get it. You can’t beat me, Jabba up the DJ booth. Freddie Monkey Jabba the Hutt @JabbaTheHutt a wall to keep you out. And you will pay for the Hutt. You can only hope to contain me. lived up to his name, swinging from Chuba! Yoka to Bantha poodo. that wall #Wall. And take the Jews and the All the people at the parade will worship me. It’s all about me. Me, me, me, me, me! chandelier to chandelier. Jackal Donald J. Trump @RealDonaldTrump Muslims with you.

– 6 – Krewe du Vieux Announces Inaugural Crass Pass UNFAIR GROUNDS – Krewe du and faux VIP treatment. The benefits Doo, plus you get to march in the 2017 Broussard and the forged signature Vieux has announced that it will are few, but it will give white people Krewe du Vieux parade. of KdV King Bunny Matthews. mimic another arts, charitable and the ability to Buck Jump and an ear For an additional $1069, paraders Additionally, each VIP will get a gold cultural organization’s ability to bleed for brass band music that will enable can be grifted with the Crass Menagerie spray-painted shovel engraved with every last penny from its loyal fans them to realize the band is not playing Pass, aka the Big Sucker Experience. Krewe du Manure on the handle and with the introduction of the Krewe the same song over and over again. Suckers will get a prime marching a limited edition Crass Menagerie du Vieux 2017 Crass Pass. This year only, the deal includes spot at the rear of the parade, and will mule diaper. For a minimal donation of only $69, the “Bunny Bonus”: paid Krewe du receive special Mule Waste Krewe Big Suckers will also get a VIP any wannabe can obtain this soon to Vieux dues with your Crass Pass gets t-shirts, complete with an illustration Bling Bag. Each Bling Bag will be treasured Krewe du Vieux keepsake you free entry to the Krewe du Vieux of KdV mule handlers Vic ‘n’ Nat’ly contain a Krauss Hat with a Krewe du Vieux logo pin, a Joy Theater KDV backstage pass, and a video of Big Frieda at the KDV Captains Dinner last year. Said Krewe du Vieux spoke-shill Squint Pelvis, “It’s so easy to fool people into thinking they’re getting something special, when all they’re really getting is the mule shaft. There’s a Big Sucker born every minute.” Krewe du Vieux Crass Pass and Crass Menagerie Passes are available from any KdV member (pre-orders only). Taxes, fees and sexual favors may apply.

2017 Krewe du Vieux Crass Pass Gives White People the Ability to Buck Jump Enables KDV Members to Recognize Brass Band Songs Free Admission To Brass Band Street Shows Free Access to KDV Doo* Access to all Handicapped Bathrooms at the KDV Doo Free Sub-Krewe Leftovers From the Pre-Parade Party

* Pass Absolutely Worthless Unless Holder Has PAID KDV Wristband

– 7 – Spermes Went on Down to the Audubondage Zoo THE OPEN FLY – Members of the remember and say under duress. Also, So I thought, ‘Let’s take it up a notch. and ribbed rhino horns – available Krewe of Spermes were among the Audubon’s mild-mannered docents Let’s go hands-on and bring in the in small, medium, large, extra-large, first visitors to explore the Audubon have been replaced by sneering cuffs and gag balls.’” and homewrecker sizes. Institute’s newest attraction, The dominatrices, such as Mistresses Audubon relocated some creatures Foreskin also noted that he has Audubondage Zoo. Audubondage Sin D. Boggs, Jiz Landry, and Bitch from other facilities, including run a discreet capital campaign. President Dom Foreskin was on hand Landrieu. whooping cranes, wildebeests, otters, “Two things are really important at to welcome curious guests to the Some Spermes members asked big pussies, and a host of monkeys, Audubondage,” he said. “Big donors strains of Jethro Tull’s hit “Bungle where to find large primates or sheep. chimps and baboons. and consent.” in the Jungle”. “I have always been an animal lover,” “Fur is very popular, of course,” Foreskin appeared unworried “You can’t beat it,” Foreskin said, said one, who declined to give his Foreskin said. “I recommend starting about PETA protestors or skeptics. holding tight to a pygmy antelope. name for fear of losing his volunteer with the monkeys. You haven’t lived “There’s a learning curve for all “Or actually, you can!” position at the LA/SPCA. “They’re until you’ve had a rough handjob new attractions, and ultimately Patrons enter through the Rough really uptight about touching the from a chimp. They can get a really each is accepted by locals,” he said. Petting Zoo, where they can stroke animals over there. Even the spayed good grip.” “Eventually people just roll over and small furry animals before heading off ones.” Visitors can rent cage time by let me do whatever I want.” to other attractions including the Fur He eventually decided on a Primal the hour, along with gear including Aroused by the success of the new Pen, Monkey-Around House, Pussy Urges package. collars, leashes, harnesses, and more. zoo, Foreskin is proceeding with plans Room, Cougar Lair, Bywatersports Foreskin seemed pleased with There’s also a line of Audubondage to open the Audubondage Incestarium Lodge, Pony Girl rides, and more. opening day. “I’ve been in the animal leather wear for sale in the gift shop, next year. His son Dom Foreskin Jr. Visitors must choose a safe word attraction business for a long time,” with zoo logo corsets, floggers and will be in charge of operations. “Here in order to proceed, and a sign he said. “People pay good money all thigh-high Polyurethane butt plugs at Audubondage, we like to say, ‘Keep recommends a word that’s easy to the time to stare at animals in cages. in the shape of alligators, pelicans, it in the family,’” Foreskin said. Rue Bourbon Breaks Free From the Circ-Ass THE ASS-PHALT JUNGLE – storm to come. in the zoo!” the Funky Meters in tow. Centuries ago, when the Dino-Sore- Faced with this unending cycle More and more Bourbonites are In classic Rue Bourbon tradition, Ass roamed free, the asses that of degenerassy, Bourbonites have feeling the pressure of confinement these animals can now be seen populated the planet had not yet become more antsy than ever. To creeping in, causing them to act like parading through the streets, asses evolved into the asinine beings that investigate this phenomenon, Monde animals. Just as these asses thought out, and drink in hand. When asked would come to be known as Poli- de Merde sent our most incompetent they were going to crack, honorary what made these animals decided to tush-ans. Many scientists believe reporter, Cantun du Abra, to every bar Bourbonite and longtime bourbon take a stand, they all said the same Poli-tush-ans are the product of a in New Orleans in hopes of finding a drinker, Art Neville, proposed mutiny thing: “Dey all assed for you!” spontaneous genetic mutation. Signs member of Rue Bourbon. and offered to lead a second line with of the mutation include pseudo Abra reported, “I searched intellectualism, extreme narcissism hopelessly. Then drunkenly. And and a love of putting one’s foot into that’s when I saw her. The woman Corrections and Clarifications one’s own mouth. I’ve been looking for my whole life: Last year Monde de Merde reported that Last year Monde de Merde reported that Poli-tush-ans can be seen throughout Ana Lover.” Donald Trump had received the ISIS “Recruiter of the Year” award. The honor was history clawing their way to the top Ms. Lover is a well-seasoned actually “Recruiter of the Century”. of the food chain. Early Poli-tush-an Bourbonite known as the epitome The CRAPS article stated that NOPD was not recruiting the undead. However, Hercules went to Nemea to kill a Lion of cl-ass, but very forgetful. She can following the release of information on the negligible NOPD manpower increase last ass, Brut-ass killed fellow Poli-tush- usually be found ass up in search of year, Chief Harrison seems to be going on an awful lot of those cemetery tours. an Caesar, and King Arthur killed the various lost items. Of Rue Bourbon In its article, KSAL neglected to note that ATC stands for Abundantly Trashed mythical funky dragon asses after an men she says, “The men in our club Constabulary. incident that left him muttering, “The are true gentlemen. They’re always Rue Bourbon reported that Americans who didn’t like the result of the presidential dragon. He bit me.” right behind me in my search.” election could emigrate to Planet XXX. MdM regrets to inform you that the planet’s Most recently Donald Trunk has When asked why Rue Bourbon immigration website has crashed. taken over the circ-ass as head heinie. is in such a state of discontent, the Rumors abound that he is on a strict voluptu-ass Ana Lover replied “For The SPANK article on the Bromion parade inadvertently omitted the following in its list of the parade’s interminable “pre-floats”: the royal courtesans, the poison-tasters, the diet of prune juice and chicken curry a long time our asses used to be free, plumbers, the simpering sycophants, and the deplorables. to prepare the nation for the shit butt now we’re better off being an ass

– 8 – Cervical Rioters Attack Pussy Snatchers PINK SQUARE, MOSCOW – The documents included internal “It will be huge,” Trump wrote in blocked. We won’t allow Trump to Pushback against the new presidential Russian government communications a series of messages in the stream. build a Potemkin on the Potomac, or administration has grown in light of regarding the putsch. “We’re going to grab absolute power Putin to hide behind an orange merkin. documents revealed today showing One note from Russian President and all the beads...Then we’ll grab He will not find a landing strip in an even more intimate relationship Vladimir Putin to his intelligence some pussies….We’re going to grab America.” between the Russian government officers read, “Ivanka Trump in so many pussies, we’ll be tired of She intimated that her group had and Donald Trump than previously my pocket and New Orleans in my grabbing pussies….But we’ll keep begun reaching out to a variety of believed to exist. DickiLeaks, the clutches by Ash Wednesday (but grabbing pussies.” exciting partners to form a broad international organization dedicated don’t tell the Patriarch I called it that). In the wake of today’s leak, outcry “coalition of the thrilling.” to exposing hard truths and naked We will make it our Moscow on the has been swift and strong against “We’re pleased to announce that facts, flashed the news at a press Mississippi. From there we will thrust both the substance of the conspiracy our favorite band, Pussy Riot, has conference in New Orleans this up into the soft, yielding interior of and the creepy metaphors associated agreed to headline our efforts,” she morning. The group’s leader, Julian America to achieve the climax of our with it. said. “They know a thing or two Ass-song, trumpeted the revelations plans.” Machelle “Clam” Shell of the about getting Putin on the fritz, and to assembled reporters. Russologists generally confirmed bipartisan group People Unified they’ve agreed to mask up and come “We knew something didn’t smell that the strategy was in keeping for Simply Seeking Yes issued a … help us.” right about the election, so we sniffed with long-standing designs by the statement which read, in part, “… Major Labia was then joined on around for incriminating documents government. seizing authority or seizing genitals stage by Jill Off, a representative of and ripped one right from underneath “Since the visit of Grand Duke against the will of the populace or one of the coalition’s more unexpected Trump’s rump,” he blustered. “We’re Alexei Alexandrovich to the city in the person are both reasons to deny members, the Sisterhood of Lady’s breaking wind of these revelations 1871, Russia has not ceased to love the someone entry into P.U.S.S.Y. We Intimate Touchables, an organization here because New Orleans was the idea of grabbing New Orleans,” said must tamp on these vile practices. Any of giant vaginas. butt of the plan’s first phase.” Professor Dmitri Shotstogovich, who of our members fingered for violating “We’re a tight group, focused on The DickiLeaks dick-uments holds the Smirnoff Chair in Tulane this rule will be discharged. Period.” the wellbeing of vaginas everywhere” laid out a plan for lubricating soft, University’s Baltic Studies program. Several groups have promised direct said Ms. Off. “We provide education unprotected American cities for “Plus, ever since President Putin saw counterthrusts against the unprovoked and encouragement for good vaginal penetration by Russian potency. photos of the shirtless guys in chaps nab for power. contact, but when somebody starts New Orleans, known for being both on Bourbon Street, he’s wanted to Major A. Labia, mouthpiece of The grabbing without permission, we can moist and easy, was the target of the join them.” Women’s Army for Tolerance, held an show we have teeth.” plot’s maiden voyage. By grabbing The precise motivation for Trump’s afternoon press conference to describe The coalition has organized as control of the city’s Carnival krewes, participation in the plan was unclear her organization’s plans for response. the Confederation of Really Angry the conspirators planned to slide into as of press time, but the DickiLeaks “We believe in going with the flow Pudenda and Supporters (C.R.A.P.S.). power before an inebriated populace materials included ample evidence and letting everyone do themselves According to Major Labia, the group realized what was happening. Trump of his enthusiasm for it. A specially however they like,” she gushed. “But, will take direct action at the kickoff was the key to infiltrating the krewes. protected secure Twitter account, @ when they start doing others without of Mardi Gras to stop the conspiracy. “Trump nominated Rex even before surrealDonaldTrump, was apparently asking, no matter how small the They plan to take to the streets the inauguration,” Ass-song said in established for him to send messages hands…or other parts…we will take against their opposition the evening passing. to Putin. prophylactic action and they will be of February 11, 2017, as Pussy Riot Snatches Back America.

www.kreweduvieux.org(y)

– 9 – Monde de Merde Interview: New Cash Fest Producers Spank Entertainment Group speaks out on local identity, national acts, and the future of The N’Awlins Cash and Shelling Out Our Heritage Festival. UNFAIR GROUNDS – This may be an opportunity. You know, someone hole with Cajun crap and no-name The whole business has changed. the biggest Cash Fest shake up since gets the word out that Shell’s thinking bands. To make bank you need a first- You used to be able to hawk a few 2004: while there has been serious of Shellin’ out of the sponsorship class experience with first class acts CDs with a good margin, but the kids criticism of the direction the festival thing, starts a #shellinoutofnola and the proper exploitation. don’t want them anymore, so you need has taken since then, it came as a real thing. Next, someone lets it float That leads to another common to find new revenue streams and to surprise when Festival Productions that if Spank comes in, maybe Shell complaint, that in recent years there exploit the ones you still got. Ticket AEG Live was dropped as the producer will reconsider, waves a little money has been a lack of local musicians prices are just part of it. Look, we give of the grand dame of New Orleans around and bam! and few are given prime slots. away a lot of tickets to keep the skids music festivals. Even more surprising There has been a lot of concern You got a lot of these little local acts greased, you know, suppliers, bigwigs was the selection of the little known locally that the festival has lost some here, and some are pretty good and and so on. I’m sure a few of them will SEG, Spank Entertainment Group, of its uniquely New Orleans identity, they’ll play for cheap. But you need get passed on to locals. as the new producer. What changes that it has come to resemble a big names in prime slots to bring in the Can you tell us what else SEG has in should fans expect from Cash Fest? standard “anywhere” festival. How do dough. Lots of good talent out there store? you respond to that? Le Monde de Merde sat down with that’d love to come party in NOLA. We got some ideas. We’re working Well, you gotta face that there’s a lot Max Bloom, spokesperson for SEG, Then you can fill out the schedule with with the Thomas Kinkade Company of competition, and the right kind of to find out about what is being billed the local acts. Toss in a jazz combo on a new series of posters. Good stuff, festival-goer has certain expectations. as a cooler, crasser Cash Fest. and few of those brass bands marching painter of light, a big, big following. Sure, the local stuff has a place, like First, what attracted you to New around the infield. You know, exploit They should sell big. And we’re that guy on the golf cart, the Indian Orleans and the festival? the local character for the branding. looking into some sort of mascot. dancers, the hippy-dippy crafts, and A few years ago, I hear this band It seems the cost of the festival has So, keep an eye out for a name-the- shit. It don’t cost you much and it from N’Awlins out in Vegas, well it ballooned in recent years, pricing mascot contest. We got the Brandiose gives you that ‘authentic’ vibe to draw might have been N’Awlins, Nashville, out a lot of locals, and, again, taking people working on it, they really know them in. But John Q Festgoer isn’t maybe? Anyway, they were good, all away some of its New Orleans N’Awlins, did some great stuff with going to shell out money for a mud identity. the horns and stuff. I have this buddy that baseball team. of mine with me, a lobbyist for Shell Oil. He tells me, Shell sponsors this It’s Harder Than It Looks: Presidenting For Dummies big shin-dig in New Orleans with acts DUMP TOWER – A recent visit to of a homegrown solution. They At first T.O.K.I.N. weedership had like this, big stars, too. They got a the HEADquarters of the Totally realized that what they needed was a high hopes that they would be able special area set up for the right folks, Orgasmic Krewe of Intergalactic New Deal, if not a new dealer. to contact President Dumpstermouth first class all the way. So, he gets me Ne’er-do-wells found the members They could tell that Donny didn’t but their attempts were blocked an Ass Pass, I come down, spend some down in the Trumps following the realize that presidenting is harder than by motormouthpiece KellyAss time with the Shell people and I knew recent presidential election. “When it looks, so they decided to take matters Conwoman. They would have to hash we had to get in on the action. Donny Dumpstermouth first came on into their own (and each other’s) out another solution. When last heard Spank Entertainment Group seems the scene, the buzz was that he would hands in the hopes of reaching a more from, they were hard – and long – at to be a new player in festival be a one-hit wonder, but it turned satisfying (and unpresidented) climax. work to fulfill their desires. productions, with little experience in out to be a bad trip,” said T.O.K.I.N. Coming together, they formulated a The Joint Chiefs of Stash of staging a seven-day event with half a million attendance. What made you spokesHEAD, pole dancer, and poll plan. They could not reveal all the the Totally Orgasmic Krewe of the choice? watcher, Jeri Mander. “We felt like we details (though they did reveal some Intergalactic Ne’er-do-wells invite We’ve been on the scene since 2013 had come down in an alternate reality interesting positions), explaining that the public to the “Presidenting For and we’ve been looking to get in on show and we didn’t know the rules of the inside dope is on a weed-to-know Dummies” book (and frustration) something big. So, I get word from my the game.” And neither, apparently, basis. release party on February 11. Ms. buddy that not everyone’s so happy did the new prez. A deep inside source hinted that Mander revealingly suggested, with the current management. There’s Rising to the occasion, the Ne’er-do- T.O.K.I.N. was putting together a “T.O.K.I.N. promises an ecstatic that stink about the donations to keep wells held an agenda-heavy meeting in shadow cabinet. Reportedly under expression of prurient politics and the queers out of the ladies’ room, and a smoke-filled voting booth. Unable to consideration were George Clinton for erotic electioneering. When they go so forth. And with Shell pulling all smoke out the opposition, T.O.K.I.N. Secretary of Funk and Bill Maher for low, we get high!” their operations out of N’Awlins, I saw fired up a penetrating probe in search Secretary of Cannabis.

– 10 – Confederation of Dunces Cooks Up Some Unlucky Dogs ANY STREET CORNER – New • The family favorite – “Take You hard to swallow. The last thing he was heard to say Orleans is a seedy city filled with Out of My Will” Dog. Rita Benson The vendor moved onto another was, “Let Space Age Love take you oddball characters, especially during had fortune deal her a bad hand. This corner on his way back to the den that places you have never been. Run thru Mardi Gras. Anything can happen, and is a billion dollar loaded wiener that houses all of the Unlucky Dog carts. the streets and dance all night long. it usually does. you can’t have. Stopping for one last crowd, he told Drink the wine of happiness, eat like Exemplifying the carnivorous • “Mitch Naked” Dog – nothing on them to graze at his cart and to make never before – these dogs will release Carnival spirit, this week the Space it, like an emperor with no clothes. sure they joined the Confederation of you. Don’t be afraid to be a dunce Age Love Unlucky Dog cart took to • The newest item on the menu: Dunces on February 11th as Krewe ’cause we are all in this confederation the streets with a new menu for this “Make America Great Again” Dog. du Vieux’s Crass Menagerie hits the together … and no one will remember year’s Mardi Gras festivities. The This is a big orange wiener that is streets. what happened yesterday!” menu showcases the movers, shakers, and politicians in our city. These are the Unlucky Dogs of New Orleans. According to Unlucky Dog vendor Anthony Wiener, this year’s dogs paint a portrait of the city’s favorite dunces – and there are so many that they have formed a Confederation. “I push my cart from corner to corner and I hear the same cries from the masses,” explained Weiner. “Our country is headed to a place that no one knows, lost in a space in time. That is why I have called my cart the Space Age Love cart. Love will show us the light. And let me tell you the tourists love these unlucky dogs!” The vendor proceeded to another corner where he was stopped by a crowd celebrating in the streets. The throngs looked over the menu at the tantalizing sausages, while the vendor explained how the mightiest had fallen. The follies ranged from having sexy peccadillos with wayward young boys to losing an empire due to an inability to get along with one’s mother-in-law, and many acts of idiocy in between. The Space Age Love menu of Unlucky Dogs, featuring the Confederation of Dunces, definitely tells the story of our times: • “Mike Yenni” Dog – all-meat wiener covered with underwear, swimming in the sauce of young boys. This dog can be ordered via email! • “I Shot a Saint” Dog – wiener that is hollow on the inside and shoots to kill. Covered with hatred from all who love the Saints.

– 11 – MdM Travel Section A New Orleans Staycation By Stefanie Whizzwald

With Mardi Gras coming up, we a drink. Some guy was holding a sign decided to interview two friends from saying “Three shots – five dollars”. the River Parishes, Mike P. Nutria and Donald T.: I plopped two Lincolns Donald T. Gator. on the bar, and da bartender pulls out MdM: I understand you two have a revolver. Six bullets whizzed past not been in town for a while? our ears, and he tells us: “price just Donald T. Gator: We have not been went up – it’s five dollars a shot now.” to New Orleans for the last eight years Mike P.: Bourbon Street has because we were afraid of being forced changed, last time I was here we had into Obamacare. Now that the world is Jello shots, and they didn’t hurt nearly safe again in a bigly fashion, we know much when they hit. for sure dat da swamp ain’t gonna Donald T.: Some guy told us we get drained, we decided to visit the needed some Hand Grenades, but after city again. We heard that Frenchmen those shots, I was just looking for a Street is the “new” Bourbon Street, warm and slimy place to slither into. and decided to start there. Mike P.: Yeah, dat Hand Grenade Mike P. Nutria: Yeah, yoo right! Da guy wouldn’t give up . . . he kep place was mobbed...it was crowded saying “Look’n for some? Look’n for could get a “Menagerie a Twat,” and to strangers – Oh bestiality – Oh like Bourbon Street, the bars were some?” and dragged us from door to if dat wasn’t enough, we could get sacred cow – we are here to milk the all blasting music into the streets, and door. But man, every one we stuck some “Bail Bondage.” public! it even smelled like Bourbon Street. our noses into had these babes with Donald T.: Sounded right to me! MdM: Well Donald and Mike, I’m Donald T.: We stopped at Three champagne bottles asking if we was New Orleans got so tame after the sorry, but we seem to be running out Fuses, some place with small plates the VIPs they was expecting . . .and Canal Street Madame packed up, and of printers’ ink, and we will just have that were so small that even Mike dey was all older than twenty-one. David Vitter went on a diet and had to to wait for February 11th, and watch killed his in no time. We listened to Donald T.: Some guy heard Mike give up the “Wendy Double-Stack.” the Seeds of Decline parade through the music, but then they told us we had complaining, and told us he knew Next thing we drove down a wide the Marigny and Vieux Carre to tear to leave. I told them that we dropped a place with a broad younger than avenue with signs which announced back the torn curtain of mendacity. a hundred and fifty bucks there, and twenty-one. It was a corner joint, “Used Appliances,” “Rooms by the could we finish our drinks. They told pretty classy with Mambo music. month, week or hour,” and “Bail us that we had our forty-five minutes We sits down, and here comes this Bonds.” Obviously we was in a full- C.O.A. STATEMENT of food and fun, and that people from broad with black curly hair, packed service neighborhood. Le Monde de Merde is offered by all over the world were waiting for into a Mambo outfit. She smelled Mike P.: There we was, the two of the Krewe du Vieux our table. like a swamp, and Mike was getting us, in search of mendacity, on a stage in the true spirit of Carnival as Mike P.: Yeah, we didn’t know what all excited, but she looked a hundred setting fit for one of those Tennessee a venue for satire and to do. The street was packed with and twenty-two if she looked a day. Faulkner plays where the actors chew political comment. people wearing beads, but there was Mike P.: The sign at the door said da scenery faster than a gigaton of The views herein may not reflect not a tit to be seen! “No Cover”, but a FEMA tarp woulda Formosan termites. We was ready for those of Krewe leaders­ or all Donald T.: A big disappointment! I come in handy wit dat broad. a night with udder possibilities ! Krewe members. was one randy gator after eight years Donald T.: Those small plates was Donald T.: Da cabbie knocked on They are designed to in the swamp, so back to good old coming back to haunt me, so I got da door, underneath a sign rusted sign entertain and provoke thought. Bourbon Street. a Yucky Dog. Den dis cab driver proclaiming “Stone Cold Creamery – Besides, ain’t none of us got Mike P.: There was a gate where button-holed me. He said that all the House of the Rising Cow.” The door nothin’ worth suing for that hasn’t we had to pay five bucks, and then real hipsters were hanging out on da opened onto a darkened room with a already been repealed by the walk through a metal detector. They new, really happening street, where opening on da other side, which was Republican Congress. said it was for security, and that any everybody’s going – Tulane Avenue! covered by a torn red curtain - and All material ©2017 money left over would be used to fill Mike P.: He got my attention when there, before us we, we . . . by the Krewe du Vieux the potholes. After that, we had to get he says he knows a place where we Mike P.: I heard words of kindness

– 12 –