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8 Hours to a Lifetime of Relationship Satisfaction

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8 Hours to a Lifetime of Relationship Satisfaction 8 HOURS TO A LIFETIME OF RELATIONSHIP SATISFACTION Participant Handbook A Relationship Enrichment Course for Couples Living with MS Judy, diagnosed in 1982 This book contains copyrighted material, the use of which has not always been specifically authorized by the copyright owner. We are making such education materials available in an effort to enrich the lives of people living with chronic illness. We believe this constitutes “fair use” of any such copyrighted material as provided for in section 107 of the U.S. Copyright Law. In accordance with Title 17 U.S.C. Section 107, the material in this book is distributed without profit to those who have expressed a prior interest in receiving the included information for educational purposes. If you wish to use copyrighted material from this handbook for purposes on your own that go beyond “fair use,” you must obtain permission from the copyright owner directly. Original funding for this project was provided by the United States Department of Health and Human Services, Administration for Children and Families, Grant 90FE0090. Any opinions, findings, conclusions or recommendations expressed in this material are those of the author(s) and do not necessarily reflect the views of the Department of Health and Human Services, Administration for Children and Families. © 2013 National Multiple Sclerosis Society Participant Handbook 1 TABLE OF CONTENTS Introduction ............................................................................................................................................. 2 Things I Want to Learn .......................................................................................................................... 3 Three Types of Safety .............................................................................................................................. 4 Positive Connections ............................................................................................................................... 6 Emotional Bank Account ....................................................................................................................... 7 Five Love Languages ............................................................................................................................... 8 Pro-Active Relationship Management ...............................................................................................10 Date Night ..............................................................................................................................................11 Self-Fulfilling Prophecies ......................................................................................................................14 Four Hallmarks of a Great Relationship ...........................................................................................15 The Five Magic Hours ..........................................................................................................................16 Communication & Conflict ...............................................................................................................17 Common Communication Problems ................................................................................................19 Four Horseman of the Apocalypse .....................................................................................................20 Other Blocks to Communication .......................................................................................................23 Active Listening .....................................................................................................................................29 How to Create “I” Statements ............................................................................................................34 Feeling Words .........................................................................................................................................36 Intimacy vs. Individualism ..................................................................................................................40 Three Styles of Problem Solving .........................................................................................................42 How to Resolve Conflict Peacefully ...................................................................................................46 How to Make Repairs ...........................................................................................................................48 Conflict Resolution Worksheet ...........................................................................................................51 De-Escalation Techniques ....................................................................................................................53 ABC Theory Worksheet .......................................................................................................................58 Commitment Pledge .............................................................................................................................60 References................................................................................................................................................62 Appendix .................................................................................................................................................63 2 8 Hours to a Lifetime of Relationship Satisfaction INTRODUCTION Building a healthier relationship usually involves making changes — changes in how you listen and talk to your partner, and changes in the way you solve problems. The information provided in this handbook will enhance your understanding of effective communication, as well as ways to resolve conflicts and strengthen your commitment to your partner and relationship. 8 Hours to a Lifetime of Relationship Satisfaction is Designed so Participants: n Recognize common communication problems and ways to correct them. n Understand different styles for solving problems. n Develop a plan for de-escalating arguments and conflicts. n Use effective communication skills for listening and speaking. n Learn ways to protect and repair relationships. n Discuss challenges/concerns and ways to strengthen relationships through renewed commitments to one another. Participant Handbook 3 THINGS I WANT TO LEARN 1. _____________________________________________________________________________ 2. _____________________________________________________________________________ 3. _____________________________________________________________________________ 4. _____________________________________________________________________________ 5. _____________________________________________________________________________ Thoughts ________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________ Food for Thought In this handbook you will find thoughts and ideas to consider as you travel along your journey to relationship satisfaction. This is your handbook; feel free to doodle, draw, write or scribble in the white spaces. Enjoy! 4 8 Hours to a Lifetime of Relationship Satisfaction THREE TYPES OF SAFETY Mastery Skill: Create a safe environment for your partner and be willing to ask that your partner create a safe environment for you when you need it. Safety and security are the foundations of a healthy relationship. Regardless of how well one can communicate and problem solve, people rarely utilize those skills without the security of knowing it is safe to take risks, be vulnerable and express oneself. Living in fear of rejection, humiliation, abandonment or physical harm makes it impossible to experience a healthy relationship. The three kinds of safety listed below are non-negotiable. You cannot have a healthy relationship without all three; you will not feel secure enough to be yourself, so intimacy is impossible. For people living with chronic illness who may rely on loved ones to provide medical care and other essentials, neglect can also threaten a healthy relationship. The Three Types of Safety Required for a Healthy Relationship Commitment Safety Security of support and a clear, committed future together. Emotional Safety Being able to express thoughts and feelings openly and to accept one another’s differences. Physical Safety Freedom from physical harm, the threat of physical harm, withholding medical care or medication, or other physical needs. Adapted from: Markman, H., Stanley, S. & Jenkins, N. (2006). Prevention and relationship enhancement program. Colorado: PREP Educational Products. Participant Handbook 5 Note: Throughout this handbook, we will refer to different styles for solving conflicts and problems. Though the literature says some volatile relationships can be healthy, not all volatile relationships are stable and healthy. The question to ask yourself to determine if your relationship is a healthy one is, “Do I feel afraid of my partner?” If you are scared of your partner when she or he expresses anger verbally, emotionally, physically or sexually, please see page 68 about getting help. People with MS may experience cognitive problems, depression and/or mood changes that can result
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