Study Guide Key Concepts and Glossary Terms Marital and

William F. Doverspike, Ph.D.

Updated September 1, 2021

Tests and exams may include, but are not limited to, these terms and concepts. This list is not exhaustive and there may be other terms and concepts on the tests and exams. The key concepts and glossary terms are contained in various chapters and in the glossary section of the course textbooks.

Affective Presence: In contrast to the well- Complaint: In some ways, a complaint might known phenomena of emotional contagion, be considered as an indirect or passive form of which refers to how one person’s mood (e.g., a request, spoken in a non-assertive manner. anger) can “infect” another person’s mood, trait For example, an assertive statement is directive affective presence refers to the tendency of a and positive (e.g., “Please text me when you are person to elicit the same emotions in others— running late”), whereas a complaint is more regardless of that person’s mood (Eisenkraft & non-directive and negative (e.g., “You didn’t Elfenbein, 2010). “Our own way of being has text me when you were running late”). A an emotional signature,” says Hillary Anger complaint focuses on a specific behavior, Elfenbein, Ph.D., Professor of Organizational whereas criticism attacks a person’s very Behavior at Washington University in St. character. The antidote for criticism is to Louis. Affective presence can differ on two complain without blame by using a soft or dimensions, one of which is a “Gentle Startup.” Otherwise, the result may be positivity/negativity factor and the other of a criticism, which is one of the four deadly which as a passivity/activity factor, resulting in horsemen of the apocalypse toward divorce four types of affective presence: (Gottman & Silver, 1999). Below is an example of a complaint in contrast to a criticism: Active Positive Affective Presence: These people actively make others feel good, even if they Complaint: “I was scared when you were running late personally are anxious or sad. These people can and didn’t call me. I thought we had agreed that walk into a room and others feel uplifted. They we would do that for each other.” tend to bring out the best in other people. Criticism: “You never think about how your behavior is Passive Positive Affective Presence: These people are affecting other people. I don’t believe you are more passive in making others feel safe and that forgetful, you’re just selfish! You never relaxed, even if they personally are anxious or think of others! You never think of me!” sad. Complementarity of Needs: This concept is Active Negative Affective Presence: These people actively make others feel bad, even if they also known as need complementarity, which personally are feeling good. These people can refers to the idea that that people tend to be walk into a room and others may actually clench attracted to others who have complementary their teeth clench and roll their eyes. They tend needs to their own. While similarities appear to to bring out the worst in others. play a strong role in initial attraction,

Passive Negative Affective Presence: These people are complementarity of needs and roles appear to more passive in making others feel tense or on play a strong role in the continuation and edge, even if they personally are feeling good. ongoing success of the relationship. Similarities may include demographic variables such as age Coalitions: A coalition occurs when one parent range, generational cohort, general intellectual and one or more children aligns or sides against level, educational level, socioeconomic status, the other person. It is a form of triangulation. language, religion, political affiliation, and so William F. Doverspike, Ph.D. Key Concepts and Glossary Terms Marital and Family Therapy Page 2 of 14 forth. Differences (i.e., complements) may have about themselves onto the other, thereby include personality traits, psychodynamic preserving their positive view of self (Kerr & needs, and psychosocial factors. Bowen, 1988, p. 192).

Complementarity of needs may include Conflictual Cocoon: A typical pattern in variables such as personality traits (e.g., emotionally intense relationships is a cycle of introversion vs. extraversion). For example, a closeness followed by conflict to create person with a high need for dominance may be distance, which in turn is followed by the attracted to a person with a high need for couple making up and resuming the intense submission, and vice versa. In balanced closeness. This pattern is a “conflictual cocoon” relationships, complementarity of need can be (Kerr & Bowen, 1988, p. 192), whereby anxiety mutually gratifying. In conflictual relationships, is bound within the conflict cycle without complementarity can lead to greater conflict. spilling over to involve children.

Conflicts: The presence of conflicts in a Contempt: Whereas criticism focuses on a relationship is not only inevitable, but are even behavior, contempt focuses on a person. More necessary for building, deepening, and serious than criticizing, contempt involves strengthening the relationship. It is not the being mean—treating others with disrespect, presence of conflict but rather how it is mocking them with sarcasm, ridicule, name- managed that matters the most. For this reason, calling, mimicking, and/or body language such conflicts are managed rather than resolved as eye-rolling. Contempt is not only described (Gottman & Silver, 1999). Permission to as the third deadly horsemen of the apocalypse disagree is one of the most important contracts toward divorce, but it is also the greatest single between individuals in an intimate relationship predictor of divorce (Gottman & Silver, 1999). (Kerr & Bowen, 1988, p. 188). Although An antidote to contempt involves practicing arguments are part of functional relationships appreciation and finding gratitude—especially and healthy, they are usually seen more often in for the small things (Lisitsa, 2013). Below is an families with addiction—particularly related to example of contempt in contrast to criticism: mistrust of the addicted or recovering member of the family. Bowen suggested three ways in Criticism: “You never help me when I ask how to do which couple conflict can be functional for a something right.” fused relationship, in which “each person is attempting to become more whole through the Contempt: “You are just a no-good [expletive deleted] other” (Lederer & Lewis, 1991): who never does anything right.”

1. Emotional Contact: Conflict can provide a Criticism: Criticizing someone is different than strong sense of emotional contact with the offering a critique or voicing a complaint. The important other person. latter two are about specific behaviors or

2. Interpersonal Distance: Conflict can justify concerns, whereas the former is an ad hominem two or more people maintaining a comfortable attack. It is an attack on a person at the core. In distance from each other without feeling guilty effect, we are dismantling a person’s whole about it. An extreme form of distancing can being when we criticize. Structurally, a involve the cut-off (Titelman, 1988). criticism often begins with a phrase such as

3. Projection of Unacceptable Impulses: Conflict “You always _____” or “You never _____.” It can allow one person to project anxieties they is described by Gottman and Silver (1999) as William F. Doverspike, Ph.D. Key Concepts and Glossary Terms Marital and Family Therapy Page 3 of 14 the second of the four deadly horsemen of the actions have been described as the “four apocalypse toward divorce. The antidote to horsemen of the apocalypse” (Gottman & criticism is a gentle startup, which focuses on Silver, 1994, 1999). Listed in the order of their expressing one’s needs in an assertive, positive, deadliness, these behaviors include criticism, and respectful manner (Lisitsa, 2013). Below is contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. an example of a complaint and a criticism. Defensiveness: It is described by Gottman and Complaint: “I was scared when you were running late Silver (1999) as the third of the four deadly and didn’t call me. I thought we had agreed that horsemen of the apocalypse toward divorce. It we would call each other when running late.” is a form of self-protection in the form of Criticism: “You never think about how your behavior innocent victimhood or righteous indignation in affects others. You are not forgetful; you’re just attempt to ward off a perceived attack. Many selfish! You never think of me!” people become defensive when they are being criticized, but the problem is that being Cross-Generational Coalition: One parent and defensive never solves the problem. Instead, one or more children side against the other defensiveness is an underhanded way of person (Edwards, 1990, 1998, 2011) in a cross- blaming the other person. An antidote to generational conflict. defensiveness is to accept the other person’s perspective and offer an apology for any Cut-off: Emotional cut-off refers to the wrongdoing (Lisitsa, 2013). phenomenon of emotional distancing—often in an extreme manner, regardless of whether the Enabling: Behaviors that encourage another cut-off takes the form of internal mechanisms person’s pathology or substance use are or actual physical distance (Titelman, 1988). In referred to as enabling behaviors. Enabling some ways, distance seems to be a “safety behaviors can include conflicts, coalitions, valve of the emotional system” and cut-off criticism, provoking, rescuing, or other actions seems to be an extreme form of distancing. that elicit anger, guilt, or resentment in the Paradoxically, the more an individual employs affected person. Sometimes described as the cut-off to manage attachment to parents one’s identified patient, the affected person can be a family of origin, the greater the person’s recovering family member, close friend, or vulnerability to intense emotional processes in coworker. People who engage in enabling current relationships with others (Papero, behaviors truly believe they are helping the 1990). Cut-off is the basis of the contemporary person, even when their actions are social media silent treatment known as perpetuating pathology in a family system. The “ghosting” (e.g., Riotta, 2016; Safronova, presence of enabling behaviors on the part of a 2015). spouse or family members is one of the main reasons that family therapy is so important after Deadly Horsemen: John Gottman’s - an addicted person completes an inpatient based model of marital relations culminated in program. Otherwise, when the recovering several books that offered specific actions that person returns back to the home environment, couples can use to improve their . family members or friends unknowingly engage Also identified are behaviors and forms of in the same actions that maintain the addictive interaction that can signal the eventual process in the family system—usually without downward spiral of marital relations. These William F. Doverspike, Ph.D. Key Concepts and Glossary Terms Marital and Family Therapy Page 4 of 14 begin aware of the consequences of their “When she decides to get sober, she’ll find a way.” actions. “He has as much right to drink as I have to stay sober.” “What she does with her time is none of my business.” “I’m not going to cause a crisis, but I’m also not going to Enactment: This term refers to conversations solve a crisis that he creates for himself.” during counseling sessions in which two or more family members talk directly with each False Dilemma: This logical fallacy is also other—rather than to the counselor—about their known as the fallacy of false choices, in which concerns with each other. Enactment is often a choice or an option is falsely claimed to be an used to ensure that the family members do not “either/or” choice, when in fact there are other triangulate with the counselor. options. The false dilemma is a type of binary thinking that usually takes the form of Enmeshment: This term refers to the acknowledging only two options—one of which emotional fusion of family members, so that is usually extreme—from a continuum of individuation, maturation, and separation of the possibilities. If used intentionally by a person, it children from the parents becomes difficult can be a way of attempting to control, (Edwards, 1998, p. 55). dominate, or limit the choices of the other person (e.g., “Either we ______or we Expressed Emotion (EE): This factor is a ______”). The fallacy of the false dilemma measure of the family environment based on is often the result of a habitual tendency to view how the relatives of an identified patient or the world with limited sets of options. One recovering person talk to the person. High EE antidote for mutually exclusive “either-or” can be expressed in three ways: Emotional thinking is a more inclusive “both-and” overinvolvement (intrusiveness, enabling, or thinking. For example, “We can consider “helping” behaviors), criticism (disapproval), ______, but we can also consider and hostility (animosity). Family members with ______, ______, or even high EE are typically critical, hostile, and not ______. What do you think?” tolerant of the patient. They feel like they are helping by having this attitude. They not only Five Most Important Sentences: There was criticize certain maladaptive behaviors but they once an old roadside sign that listed the most may also criticize other behaviors that are important things a person should say when unique to the personality of the patient. In greeting a spouse. This short list was designed contrast to low EE, high EE in families is more particularly for husbands to remember some likely to cause a relapse. Some examples are things that their wives like to hear: “I am shown below: sorry”… “Can I help?”... “You look great”… “Let’s eat out”… “I love you.” High Expressed Emotion: “Why aren’t you going to your meeting?” “Why don’t you study instead of play on your phone?” Flooding: Emotional flooding, which typically “I tell him to stop using, but he pushes me away.” occurs when heart rate exceeds 100 beats per “I beg him not to drink, but nothing seems to work.” minute, makes it physically impossible to “I’ve encouraged her to go to rehab, but she never seems communicate logically (Gottman & Silver, to care.” 1999). Flooding can lead to erratic communication, which can lead to the Four Low Expressed Emotion: “I just try to let go and let God.” Horsemen, which can lead to emotional “My philosophy is ‘live and let live.’” William F. Doverspike, Ph.D. Key Concepts and Glossary Terms Marital and Family Therapy Page 5 of 14 disengagement and eventually to dissolution of Silver (1999), Gentle Startup involves six the relationship. components or rules:

Flying Solo: The tendency of a counselor to 1. Start the conversation gently; it is okay to work entirely alone with families, which can complain but not to blame. 2. Make statements that start with “I” instead of result in the counselor becoming inducted into “you.” the family and thus losing objectivity and 3. Describe what is happening; don’t evaluate or therapeutic neutrality. To avoid flying solo, judge. marital and family therapists often work with 4. Talk clearly about what you need in positive co-therapists and/or they frequently consult terms. 5. Be polite. with colleagues (Edwards, 1990, 1998, 2011). 6. Give appreciations. As Edwards cautions, “Counselors or therapists who work entirely alone with families go home Ghosting: This term has been used to describe talking to themselves” (1998, p. 144). the practice of ceasing contact with another person without any apparent warning and Four Horsemen: Criticism, contempt, subsequently ignoring any attempts by that defensiveness, and stonewalling are described person to establish communication. Originating as the four deadly horsemen of the apocalypse as a term in the early 2000s, ghosting is a form toward divorce (Gottman & Silver, 1999). of abandonment or silent treatment seen in social media, online exchanges, and online Fusion: In Bowen (1978) systems theory, dating apps (Ritotta, 2016; Safronova, 2015). It fusion refers to a lack of differentiation in can also be viewed as a passive-aggressive form which individual choices are set aside in order of stonewalling behavior or emotional neglect. to achieve harmony in the system (Brown, 1999). It is part of the drive toward Gossip: This term refers to talking, particularly “togetherness” as opposed to the drive toward in a critical or negative manner, about someone autonomy, individuality, or differentiation. In a who is not present. Although gossip may serve pathological sense, fusion refers to an a social function, it can reduce intimacy in emotional enmeshment that prevents maturation relationships. Gossip can be a type of and separation of the children from the parents triangulation, in which anxiety in a dyad is (i.e., a fused relationship). Bowen’s concept of reduced by involving discussion about some fusion is somewhat different than Minuchin’s third party. (1974) concept of enmeshment, which is based on a lack of boundary between sub-systems. Harsh Startup: When a discussion starts with The structural terms “enmeshment” and criticism and/or sarcasm (a form on contempt), “disengagement” are in fact the twin polarities it has begun with a “harsh startup.” The most of Bowen’s concept of fusion. obvious indicator that a conflict discussion (and ) is not going to go well is the way it Gentle Startup: Also known as a softened begins. Statistics tell the story: According to startup, this approach to dialogue is basically Gottman and Silver (1999), 96% of the time, the way we treat guests—with courtesy and the outcome of a conversation can be predicted respect. It is basically the opposite of the on the basis of the first three minutes of the “Harsh Startup.” According to Gottman and interaction. If the discussion begins with a harsh startup, it will inevitably end with a William F. Doverspike, Ph.D. Key Concepts and Glossary Terms Marital and Family Therapy Page 6 of 14 negative outcome. The harsh startup is basically Affirming words: Use your words to affirm, appreciate, the opposite of the “Gentle Startup.” and encourage your partner. Actively listen when your partner is speaking. Give an unexpected cards, notes, or text messages. Ideal Family: When mapping relationships Avoid not recognizing or not appreciating the based on structural family therapy, the ideal efforts of your partner. family includes these characteristics (Edwards, 1998, pp. 54-55): Giving gifts: Provide thoughtful gestures and give unexpected gifts to your partner. Express gratitude when receiving gifts from your 1. The mother-father bond is the strongest in partner. Avoid forgetting special occasions and family. avoid the unenthusiastic receiving of gifts. 2. Mother and father are of equal size. 3. Children are below the parent-child boundary. Quality time: Create special moments, have small talks, 4. The children are smaller than the parents. take small walks, and do little things with your 5. The older child is slightly larger than the partner. Avoid being distracted by other people, younger. places, or things when spending time together. 6. The map has no conflict lines. Avoid long periods without one-on-one time.

Induction: This concept refers to the tendency Physical touch: Express love by using non-verbal of a person to get drawn into the relational language such as a gentle touch. Take actions dynamics of a system in such a way that the such as hugs, cuddles, and kisses. Avoid physical neglect or abuse. person becomes incorporated into the system, thereby experiencing some loss of objectivity. Acts of Service: Let your partner know you want to help. In couple or family therapy, a counselor can Go out of your way to assist with chores. Avoid become pulled into a family’s emotional a lack of follow-through on tasks, whether they network and relational dynamics in such a way are large or small. that the counselor becomes overinvolved and thus ineffective. As a result, the counselor loses Making Amends: Making amends refers to therapeutic neutrality and objectivity (often some form of restitution or putting things back related to the counselor’s countertransference or as they should be in a relationship. Restoration unresolved conflicts regarding his or her family can involve some act of contrition to of origin). The counselor’s loss of objectivity demonstrate that one is truly sorry and has and loss of effectiveness can pose additional changed his or her way of doing things. Making ethical problems in terms of treatment outcome amends is so central to recovery in 12-Step and other adverse consequences. programs that this principle is incorporated into three of the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous Love Language: Psychological research (AA). For example, the 10th Step of AA reads, confirms the wisdom of the adage: “Different “Continued to take personal inventory and strokes for different folks.” Love language when we were wrong promptly admitted it.” refers the specific way that a person expresses This step is known as “relationship glue” by love and also the way a person appreciates those whose lives are happy, joyous, and free. receiving love from others. Five popular In contrast, one of the best ways to a ruin a languages of love include affirming words, relationship is for a person to never admit when giving gifts, spending quality time, physical wrong. See also “Repair Attempts” for a touch, and acts of service (Chapman, 1995): description of essentially the same concept using a different terminology that is used by marriage and family therapists. William F. Doverspike, Ph.D. Key Concepts and Glossary Terms Marital and Family Therapy Page 7 of 14

Merry-Go-Round Named Denial: This by their improvement but by avoiding the concept is based on the October 5, 1968 decline associated with too much negativity presentation by Reverend Joseph Kellerman, (Tierney & Baumeister, 2019). former Director of the Charlotte Council on Alcoholism in North Carolina. Kellerman’s Parentification: This term refers to the process (1970) original book, Alcoholism: A Merry-go- of role reversal whereby a child (often the Round Named Denial, describes the family oldest) is obliged to act as parent to his or her disease of alcoholism using a metaphor of a own parent or sibling. It can occur in a family three-act play that includes four main in which a parent is addicted to alcohol or characters: the alcoholic, the enabler, the drugs, although it can also occur when a parent victim, and the provoker. The alcoholic is the has a mental illness or is otherwise unavailable main actor, who controls the others in the in some way. Virginia Satir (1983) used the family system. The enabler is a “helpful” hero term role-function discrepancy to refer to a (often a male relative) who saves the alcoholic situation “where the son gets into a head-of-the- from immediate crises and thereby relieves him family role, commonly that of the father” (p. (or her) of the unbearable tension created by the 167). Spousification is an alternative concept crisis. The victim is the person (often a spouse, that includes some of the same phenomenon a boss, or a co-worker) responsible for getting (Jurovic, 1998, p. 240) such as the inherent the work done when the alcoholic is absent, dangers that occur when parents and children allowing him to continue irresponsible drinking have a symmetrical rather than asymmetrical without losing his job. The provoker is the relationship, such as when an absent spouse is person (often a mother, wife, or sister) who replaced by the eldest child (Berne, 1970, pp. holds the relationship together while feeding 249-253). There are several types of back bitterness, resentment, fear, and hurt into parentification that have been identified: the relationship or marriage. For more details, see the brochure titled Alcoholism: A Merry-go- Instrumental parentification involves the child Round Named Denial (Al-Anon Family Group completing physical tasks for the family, such as taking care of a sick family member, paying Headquarters 1987). household bills, or providing assistance to younger siblings that would normally be Negativity Effect: This bias refers to the provided by a parent. tendency of people to respond more strongly to negative events and emotions than to positive Emotional parentification occurs when a child or adolescent must take on the role of a confidant ones. Research Roy Baumeister or mediator for (or between) parents or family found that bad outcomes had a stronger impact members (Jurovic, 1998). than good ones. Tierney and Baumeister (2019) speculate that the human brain has a negativity Narcissistic parentification can occur when a child is bias that makes sense form an evolutionary forced to take on the parent’s idealized projection, which encourages a compulsive perspective because it kept our ancestors alert perfectionism in the child at the expense of the to fatal dangers. However, this negative bias child’s natural development (Jurovic, 1998, pp. may sensitize people to remember negative 246-247). events (and criticisms) more than they remember positive outcomes (and compliments). Success and longevity in relationships, such as marriage, are defined not William F. Doverspike, Ph.D. Key Concepts and Glossary Terms Marital and Family Therapy Page 8 of 14

Principle of Least Interest: This term slowly in the beginning, as the relationship originated in 1938, when the sociologist continues, the push and the pull can become a Willard Waller introduced it in his book The regular pattern in an intense relationship. One Family: A Dynamic Interpretation. It refers to person is One is always running while the other an idea that the person or group that has the is always chasing. They go back and forth while least amount of interest in continuing a narrowly coming face-to-face with one another. relationship has the most power over it (Waller, It’s only when they turn to see each other in 1938). The first major study to confirm this between chases when the passion ignites and principle was conducted three decades later (see the world seems to stand still. The emotional Eslinger, Clarke, & Dynes, 1972). In his intensity that they experience in these fleeting original observational research, Waller found moments is what keeps the relationship alive. that power in a dating couple is almost never During this fleeting interim, both the pusher equally distributed between the two participants and the puller believe that the love they feel is (Strong, DeVault, & Cohen, 2010, p. 239). For reason why they are “meant to be” (Wilcox, a variety of reasons, one person will have more 2015, p. 1). Although some couples thrive on power in the relationship and will use this this intense dynamic, the emotional roller power to his or her advantage. In a relationship coaster eventually frays emotions and with unbalanced or uneven power distribution, insecurities become insurmountable. For many one of the partners gets more out of a young couples, the typical longevity of this type relationship (i.e., emotionally, physically, or of relationship is about two years. financially) than the other. If the relationship becomes too uneven in power, the person who According to Emily Wilcox, the common fears receives less has less incentive to continue the that the pusher and puller share are fears of relationship and therefore can eventually intimacy and abandonment. The puller is threaten to end the relationship so that the other consciously aware of her fears of abandonment. person conforms to the demands. At the same time, her unconscious fear is intimacy, even though she consciously craves Push-Pull Relationship: Person A (the intimacy. For the puller, fear of intimacy is pusher), who is typically the man, shows what leads to abandonment. When the relentless pursuit and keen interest in Person B connection with the puller is sparked, the puller (the puller), who is typically a woman. Person goes into protective mode and puts up a wall to B enjoys the attention and gets lulled into a keep safe. The pusher’s conscious fear is false sense of security, while feeling feel intimacy, which is where he (like the puller) special and valued. After the first few months— faces possible rejection. In opposition of the or sometimes weeks—of newfound relationship puller, the pusher is conscious of his fear of bliss, the pusher begins to slowly push away, intimacy because he thinks that intimacy will leaving the puller wondering where all of the lead to enmeshment, a feeling of confinement love and affection has gone. Feeling uneasy and and restriction for him. It is his unconscious clearly disturbed by her lover’s sudden change, fear of abandonment that leads to his fear of the puller begins to pull him back in by making enmeshment and eventual sabotage of the herself more sexually desirable or, in many relationship. For some couples, neither the cases, by simply acting aloof and uninterested, pusher nor the puller wants out of this which sparks the pusher to think he is losing his otherwise tumultuous relationship, because they prey. Although the push-pull dynamic starts off are both gaining a great deal from this William F. Doverspike, Ph.D. Key Concepts and Glossary Terms Marital and Family Therapy Page 9 of 14 interaction by re-living old childhood traumas. terminology that is used by individuals in 12- It is essentially what Harville Hendrix (1988) Step programs. terms the unconscious marriage. If the pusher and puller can realize the dynamics that are Righting Reflex: When we perceive a actually occurring—two adults perpetuating old discrepancy between how things are and how wounds—then they can work on the they ought to be, we are often motivated to relationship together and create what Hendrix reduce that discrepancy if it seems possible to calls a conscious marriage. do so (Miller & Rollnick, 2013). In other words, when we see something wrong, we want Reactance: Reactance theory predicts a target to fix it. In relationships (particularly marital behavior will increase if a person’s personal dyads), the righting reflex can lead to subtle freedom is challenged (Brehm, 1966). The attempts to control the other person’s behavior, implication is that a problem behavior will which can then lead to psychological reactance increase in its frequency and intensity if a on the part of the other person. The explicit person perceives that his or her personal message of “I’m right” also carries with it the freedom is being challenged (Brehm & Brehm, implicit message “You’re wrong.” 1981). For example, in terms of understanding how nagging works, reactance theory predicts Sabotage: When an addicted person becomes that nagging a family member about a problem clean and sober, it is a common phenomenon behavior can exacerbate rather than diminish that family and friends do not support the the problematic behavior. The phenomenon is person’s recovery efforts. In fact, it is more sometimes referred to as behavioral reactance typical that family and friends engage in or psychological resistance. In larger systems, enabling behaviors that have the potential for the concept provides a way of understanding derailing or sabotaging recovery. Whether or why people typically resist the attempts of other not they use substances, family members may people who attempt to impose or proselytize not understand that addiction is a family their attitudes or beliefs. disease. Even if they want to be supportive, family members may be in denial or may not Repair Attempts: These behaviors refer to know how to stop enabling the recovering efforts or gestures that a couple makes to person. Some family members may deescalate tension during a discussion that inadvertently or “unconsciously” enable the involves a disagreement. As Brittle (2013, para. addiction, whereas other family members may 1) has observed, “In relational terms, repair is even belittle, criticize, or dismiss the recovering less about fixing what is broken and more about individual’s efforts to recover. Pseudo-friends getting back on track.” The success of such may even discourage the recovering person repair attempts in a single conversation often from continuing treatment (e.g., “You don’t reflects the pattern that the couple’s repair have a drug problem; everyone smokes attempts tend to follow over time. A crucial part marijuana,” or “You don’t need AA, because of the pattern is whether their repair attempts you haven’t had a drink in 30 days”). Other succeed or fail. Failed repair attempts provide people may unwittingly use far more subtle an accurate marker for an unhappy future. See tactics, such as holding onto resentments, using also “Making Amends” for a description of the addict’s past behavior as leverage (thereby essentially the same concept using a different inducing anger or guilt, which can be relapse risk factors), which make it difficult for the William F. Doverspike, Ph.D. Key Concepts and Glossary Terms Marital and Family Therapy Page 10 of 14 recovering person to get to meetings or therapy 3. Describe what is happening; don’t evaluate or appointments. Friends and family members judge. 4. Talk clearly about what you need in positive may have little insight into the power of drug terms. cravings, and they may encourage the addict to 5. Be polite. invite them to parties or meet them at bars or 6. Give appreciations. other temptation-filled environments. When family members refuse to work on their own Spousification: This term refers to a process, enabling behaviors, they may stay stuck in old similar to parentification, in which a parent patterns of enabling, excusing, minimizing, turns to a child to provide the relationship that provoking, and rescuing—without realizing that is normally provided by a spouse (Jurovic, they are sabotaging the recovery efforts of 1998, p. 240). It can occur when an absent someone they love. spouse is essentially replaced by the eldest child (Berne, 1970, pp. 249-253) or when there is Segmenting: This technique simply involves alienation between the parents. In this sense, it working with a portion of the family at a time. spousification can be a form of “emotional For example, it may involve obtaining the incest.” See also Parentification. parents’ permission for the children to leave the room so that the therapist can have a private Stonewalling: This process occurs when the conversation with the parents. It’s important to listener withdraws from the interaction by get the parents’ permission, so that the therapist shutting down and closing himself or herself off does not do anything with a child in the room from the other person. It is a form of distancing without going through the parents first and lack of responsiveness to a relational (Edwards, 1990, 1998, 2011). partner and the interaction between the two people. It is described by Gottman and Silver Stair-Stepping: Sometimes when an older (1999) as the fourth and last of the four deadly child becomes drug-free and less disturbed, horsemen of the apocalypse toward divorce. An another sibling steps up to take his or her place antidote to stonewalling involves physiological in the glamorous and daring world of substance self-soothing by taking a break and engaging in use. To avoid this dynamic, the non-IP child a soothing or distracting activity such as needs to have strict limits placed on the IP reading, exercising, taking a walk, or listening child. With strict limits, the non-IP child is then to music (Lisitsa, 2013). The break should last less likely to follow the IP-child’s footsteps at least 20 minutes, which is usually long (Edwards, 1990, 1998, 2011). enough calming down physiologically and psychologically. As Lisitsa emphasizes, during Softened Startup: Also known as a gentle the break it is important to avoid thoughts of startup, this approach to dialogue is basically righteous indignation (i.e., “I don’t have to take the way we treat guests—with courteously and this anymore”) and innocent victimhood (i.e., respect. According to Gottman and Silver “Why is he always picking on me?”). (1999), it involves six components or rules: Straw Man: A straw man argument, which is 1. Start the conversation gently; complain but also known as an informal logical fallacy, don’t blame). involves deliberately distorting a person’s 2. Make statements that start with “I” instead of “you.” position in an attempt to gain an advantage in an argument. It occurs whenever someone William F. Doverspike, Ph.D. Key Concepts and Glossary Terms Marital and Family Therapy Page 11 of 14 substitutes an opposing argument with a distracts the members of a dyad from resolving distorted, exaggerated, or oversimplified their relationship impasse. If a third party is version of it in order to make the opposing drawn in, the focus shifts to criticizing or position (i.e., the straw man) easier to defeat. worrying about the third party, which in turn By distorting Person A’s statement, Person B is prevents the original complainants from actually attacking an opinion, position, or view resolving their tension. that Person A does not really hold. The distorted version of Person A’s claim may be Triangulation: According to Edwards (1990, taken out of context, focus only on a single 1998, 2011), triangulation is the process by aspect of the original argument, or be only which the parents’ deep-seated conflicts detour remotely related to it. This type of logical their conflicts through a child, who becomes the fallacy usually takes the following form: medium through which the parents act out their disagreements or frustrations with each other. 1. Person A makes a statement or shares an The concept is borrowed from Minuchin opinion. (1974), and is similar to Bowen’s concept of 2. Person B creates a distorted version of Person A’s statement (i.e., the straw man). projecting problems onto a child. 3. Person B then attacks the distorted or exaggerated version of Person A’s statement, which in reality is not really Person A’s position.

Triangles: Bowen described a triangle as the smallest stable relationship unit (Kerr & Bowen, 1988, p. 135). The process of triangling, which is central to Bowen systems theory, occurs when the inevitable anxiety in a dyad is relieved by involving a third party who either takes sides or provides a detour for the anxiety. Bowen used the term “triangling” (as opposed to the term “triangulation”), whereas Minuchin (1974, p. 102) introduced the term “triangulation.” According to Brown (1999), it is difficult to identify triangles under calm conditions, but they clearly emerge clearly under conditions of anxiety and stress. The process of triangling is not necessarily dysfunctional or pathological, but rather the concept is a way of describing the idea that anxiety or tension in a dyad can be acted out or displaced elsewhere. The greater the degree of fusion in a relationship, the more heightened is the pull to preserve emotional stability by forming a triangle. Triangling becomes problematic when a third party’s involvement William F. Doverspike, Ph.D. Key Concepts and Glossary Terms Marital and Family Therapy Page 12 of 14

References

Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters. (1969, Edwards, J. T. (1990). Treating chemically 1987). Alcoholism: A merry-go-round dependent families: A practical systems named denial [P-3]. New York, NY: approach for professionals. Author. Minneapolis, MN: Johnson Institute.

Barlow, D. H., Durand, V. M., & Hofmann, S. Edwards, J. (1998). Treating chemically G. (2018). Abnormal : An dependent families: A practical systems integrative approach (8th ed.). approach for professionals. Center City, Stamford, CT: Cengage Learning. MN: Hazelden.

Berne, E. (1970). Sex in human loving. New Edwards, J. (2011). Working with families: York, NY: Penguin. p. 249–253. Guidelines and techniques (2nd ed.). New York, NY: John Wiley. Bowen, M. (1978). Family therapy in clinical practice. Northvale, NJ: Jason Aronson. Eisenkraft, N., & Elfenbein, H. A. (2010, March 16). The way you make me feel: Brehm, J. W. (1966). A theory of psychological Evidence for individual differences in reactance. New York, NY: Academic affective presence. Psychological Press. Science, 21(4), 505-510.

Brehm, S. S., & Brehm, J. W. (1981). Eslinger, K., Clarke, A., & Dynes, R. (1972). Psychological resistance: A theory of The principle of least interest, dating freedom and control. New York, NY: behavior, and family integration Academic Press. settings. Journal of Marriage and Family, 34(2), 268-272. Brittle, Z. (2013, September 3). R is for repair. doi:10.2307/350797 The Gottman Institute. https://www.gottman.com/blog/r-is-for- Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (1994). Why repair/ marriages succeed or fail: What you can learn from the breakthrough Brown, J. (1999). Bowen family systems theory research to make your marriage last. and practice: Illustration and critique. New York, NY: Simon & Schuster. Australian and New Zealand Journal of Family Therapy, 20(2), 94-103. Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. Chapman, G. (1995). The five love languages: New York, NY: Three Rivers Press. How to express heartfelt commitment to your mate. Chicago, IL: Northfield Hendrix, H. (1988). Getting the love you want. Publishing. New York, NY: Henry Holt and Company.

William F. Doverspike, Ph.D. Key Concepts and Glossary Terms Marital and Family Therapy Page 13 of 14

Juhnke, G. A., & Hagedorn, W. B. (2006). Riotta, C. (2016, February 5). Where did the Counseling addicted families: An term “ghosted” come front? Origin of integrated assessment and treatment the web’s favorite term for model. New York, NY: Taylor & abandonment. Mic. Francis. https://www.mic.com/articles/134418/w here-did-the-term-ghosted-come-from- Jurkovic, G. J. (1998). Destructive origin-of-the-web-s-favorite-term-for- parentification in families: Causes and abandonment consequences. In L. L’Abate (Ed.), Family psychopathology: The relational Safronova, V. (2015, June 26). Exes explain roots of dysfunctional behavior (p. 237– ghosting: The ultimate silent treatment. 255). New York, NY: Guilford Press. . ISSN 0362-4331.

Kellerman, J. L. (1970, 1987). Alcoholism: A Satir, V. (1983). Peoplemaking. Palo Alto, CA: merry-go-round named denial. Center Science and Behavior Books. City, MN: Hazelden. Strong, B., DeVault, C., & Cohen, T. F. (2010, Kerr, M., & Bowen, M. (1988). Family February 19). The marriage and family evaluation: An approach based on experience: Intimate relationship in a Bowen theory. New York, NY: Norton. changing society. Belmont: CA: Cengage Learning. Lederer, G. S., & Lewis, J., (1991). The transition to couplehood. In F. Herz Tierney, J., & Baumeister, R. F. (2019, Brown (Ed.), Reweaving the family December 31). The power of bad: How tapestry. New York, NY: Norton. the negativity effect rules us and how we can rule it. New York, NY: Penguin Lisitsa, E. (2013, April 26). The four horsemen: Press. The antidotes. The Gottman Insitute. https://www.gottman.com/blog/the- Titelman, P. (2008). Triangles: Bowen family four-horsemen-the-antidotes/ systems theory perspectives. New York, NY: Routledge. Miller, W. R., & Rollnick, S. (2013). Motivational interviewing: Preparing Waller, W. (1938). The family: A dynamic people for change (3rd ed.). New York, interpretation. New York, NY: Cordon NY: The Guilford Press. Company.

Minuchin, S. (1974). Families & family Wilcox, E. (2015, October 6). The push-pull therapy. Cambridge, MA, Harvard relationship. Huffpost. University Press. https://www.huffingtonpost.com/emily- wilcox/the-pushpull- Papero, D. V. (1990). Bowen family systems relationship_b_8241126.html theory. Boston, MA: Pearson.

William F. Doverspike, Ph.D. Key Concepts and Glossary Terms Marital and Family Therapy Page 14 of 14

Correct Citation for Reference Entry

The reference entry correct citation styles for This document is cross-referenced to this Word this document are illustrated below. Students document file: PSI Addictions: Key should defer to the style preferences of their Concepts and Glossary Terms - Marital individual course instructors to determine and Family Therapy.doc whether the course instructor has preferences that are more specific than those shown below: Copyright © 2018 by William F. Doverspike, Ph.D. Content last updated 2021. American Psychological Association The correct citation for this article is Doverspike, W. F. (2018). Marital and family Doverspike, W. F. (2018). Marital and therapy: Key concepts and glossary family therapy: Key concepts and terms. http://drwilliamdoverspike.com/ glossary terms. http://drwilliamdoverspike.com/ Chicago Manual of Style / Kate Turabian

Doverspike, William, “Marital and family therapy: Key concepts and glossary terms,” July 09, 2018. https://ecams.richmont.edu/

Note: According to the Chicago Manual of Style, blog posts are typically not included in bibliographies, but can be cited in the running text and/or notes. However, if a blog is cited frequently, you may include it in the bibliography.

Modern Language Association

Doverspike, William F. “Marital and family therapy: Key concepts and glossary terms.” 09 Jul. 2018 [Date accessed]

Note: MLA guidelines assume that readers can track down most online sources by entering the author, title, or other identifying information in a search engine or a database. Consequently, MLA does not require a URL in citations for online sources such as websites. However, some instructors still ask for it, so check with your instructor to determine his or her preference.