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Study Guide Key Concepts and Glossary Terms Marital and Family Therapy

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Study Guide Key Concepts and Glossary Terms Marital and Family Therapy Study Guide Key Concepts and Glossary Terms Marital and Family Therapy William F. Doverspike, Ph.D. Updated September 1, 2021 Tests and exams may include, but are not limited to, these terms and concepts. This list is not exhaustive and there may be other terms and concepts on the tests and exams. The key concepts and glossary terms are contained in various chapters and in the glossary section of the course textbooks. Affective Presence: In contrast to the well- Complaint: In some ways, a complaint might known phenomena of emotional contagion, be considered as an indirect or passive form of which refers to how one person’s mood (e.g., a request, spoken in a non-assertive manner. anger) can “infect” another person’s mood, trait For example, an assertive statement is directive affective presence refers to the tendency of a and positive (e.g., “Please text me when you are person to elicit the same emotions in others— running late”), whereas a complaint is more regardless of that person’s mood (Eisenkraft & non-directive and negative (e.g., “You didn’t Elfenbein, 2010). “Our own way of being has text me when you were running late”). A an emotional signature,” says Hillary Anger complaint focuses on a specific behavior, Elfenbein, Ph.D., Professor of Organizational whereas criticism attacks a person’s very Behavior at Washington University in St. character. The antidote for criticism is to Louis. Affective presence can differ on two complain without blame by using a soft or dimensions, one of which is a “Gentle Startup.” Otherwise, the result may be positivity/negativity factor and the other of a criticism, which is one of the four deadly which as a passivity/activity factor, resulting in horsemen of the apocalypse toward divorce four types of affective presence: (Gottman & Silver, 1999). Below is an example of a complaint in contrast to a criticism: Active Positive Affective Presence: These people actively make others feel good, even if they Complaint: “I was scared when you were running late personally are anxious or sad. These people can and didn’t call me. I thought we had agreed that walk into a room and others feel uplifted. They we would do that for each other.” tend to bring out the best in other people. Criticism: “You never think about how your behavior is Passive Positive Affective Presence: These people are affecting other people. I don’t believe you are more passive in making others feel safe and that forgetful, you’re just selfish! You never relaxed, even if they personally are anxious or think of others! You never think of me!” sad. Complementarity of Needs: This concept is Active Negative Affective Presence: These people actively make others feel bad, even if they also known as need complementarity, which personally are feeling good. These people can refers to the idea that that people tend to be walk into a room and others may actually clench attracted to others who have complementary their teeth clench and roll their eyes. They tend needs to their own. While similarities appear to to bring out the worst in others. play a strong role in initial attraction, Passive Negative Affective Presence: These people are complementarity of needs and roles appear to more passive in making others feel tense or on play a strong role in the continuation and edge, even if they personally are feeling good. ongoing success of the relationship. Similarities may include demographic variables such as age Coalitions: A coalition occurs when one parent range, generational cohort, general intellectual and one or more children aligns or sides against level, educational level, socioeconomic status, the other person. It is a form of triangulation. language, religion, political affiliation, and so William F. Doverspike, Ph.D. Key Concepts and Glossary Terms Marital and Family Therapy Page 2 of 14 forth. Differences (i.e., complements) may have about themselves onto the other, thereby include personality traits, psychodynamic preserving their positive view of self (Kerr & needs, and psychosocial factors. Bowen, 1988, p. 192). Complementarity of needs may include Conflictual Cocoon: A typical pattern in variables such as personality traits (e.g., emotionally intense relationships is a cycle of introversion vs. extraversion). For example, a closeness followed by conflict to create person with a high need for dominance may be distance, which in turn is followed by the attracted to a person with a high need for couple making up and resuming the intense submission, and vice versa. In balanced closeness. This pattern is a “conflictual cocoon” relationships, complementarity of need can be (Kerr & Bowen, 1988, p. 192), whereby anxiety mutually gratifying. In conflictual relationships, is bound within the conflict cycle without complementarity can lead to greater conflict. spilling over to involve children. Conflicts: The presence of conflicts in a Contempt: Whereas criticism focuses on a relationship is not only inevitable, but are even behavior, contempt focuses on a person. More necessary for building, deepening, and serious than criticizing, contempt involves strengthening the relationship. It is not the being mean—treating others with disrespect, presence of conflict but rather how it is mocking them with sarcasm, ridicule, name- managed that matters the most. For this reason, calling, mimicking, and/or body language such conflicts are managed rather than resolved as eye-rolling. Contempt is not only described (Gottman & Silver, 1999). Permission to as the third deadly horsemen of the apocalypse disagree is one of the most important contracts toward divorce, but it is also the greatest single between individuals in an intimate relationship predictor of divorce (Gottman & Silver, 1999). (Kerr & Bowen, 1988, p. 188). Although An antidote to contempt involves practicing arguments are part of functional relationships appreciation and finding gratitude—especially and healthy, they are usually seen more often in for the small things (Lisitsa, 2013). Below is an families with addiction—particularly related to example of contempt in contrast to criticism: mistrust of the addicted or recovering member of the family. Bowen suggested three ways in Criticism: “You never help me when I ask how to do which couple conflict can be functional for a something right.” fused relationship, in which “each person is attempting to become more whole through the Contempt: “You are just a no-good [expletive deleted] other” (Lederer & Lewis, 1991): who never does anything right.” 1. Emotional Contact: Conflict can provide a Criticism: Criticizing someone is different than strong sense of emotional contact with the offering a critique or voicing a complaint. The important other person. latter two are about specific behaviors or 2. Interpersonal Distance: Conflict can justify concerns, whereas the former is an ad hominem two or more people maintaining a comfortable attack. It is an attack on a person at the core. In distance from each other without feeling guilty effect, we are dismantling a person’s whole about it. An extreme form of distancing can being when we criticize. Structurally, a involve the cut-off (Titelman, 1988). criticism often begins with a phrase such as 3. Projection of Unacceptable Impulses: Conflict “You always _____” or “You never _____.” It can allow one person to project anxieties they is described by Gottman and Silver (1999) as William F. Doverspike, Ph.D. Key Concepts and Glossary Terms Marital and Family Therapy Page 3 of 14 the second of the four deadly horsemen of the actions have been described as the “four apocalypse toward divorce. The antidote to horsemen of the apocalypse” (Gottman & criticism is a gentle startup, which focuses on Silver, 1994, 1999). Listed in the order of their expressing one’s needs in an assertive, positive, deadliness, these behaviors include criticism, and respectful manner (Lisitsa, 2013). Below is contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. an example of a complaint and a criticism. Defensiveness: It is described by Gottman and Complaint: “I was scared when you were running late Silver (1999) as the third of the four deadly and didn’t call me. I thought we had agreed that horsemen of the apocalypse toward divorce. It we would call each other when running late.” is a form of self-protection in the form of Criticism: “You never think about how your behavior innocent victimhood or righteous indignation in affects others. You are not forgetful; you’re just attempt to ward off a perceived attack. Many selfish! You never think of me!” people become defensive when they are being criticized, but the problem is that being Cross-Generational Coalition: One parent and defensive never solves the problem. Instead, one or more children side against the other defensiveness is an underhanded way of person (Edwards, 1990, 1998, 2011) in a cross- blaming the other person. An antidote to generational conflict. defensiveness is to accept the other person’s perspective and offer an apology for any Cut-off: Emotional cut-off refers to the wrongdoing (Lisitsa, 2013). phenomenon of emotional distancing—often in an extreme manner, regardless of whether the Enabling: Behaviors that encourage another cut-off takes the form of internal mechanisms person’s pathology or substance use are or actual physical distance (Titelman, 1988). In referred to as enabling behaviors. Enabling some ways, distance seems to be a “safety behaviors can include conflicts, coalitions, valve of the emotional system” and cut-off criticism, provoking, rescuing, or other actions seems to be an extreme form of distancing. that elicit anger, guilt, or resentment in the Paradoxically, the more an individual employs affected person. Sometimes described as the cut-off to manage attachment to parents one’s identified patient, the affected person can be a family of origin, the greater the person’s recovering family member, close friend, or vulnerability to intense emotional processes in coworker.
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