Desperate Housewives A lot goes on in the strange neighborhood of Wisteria Lane. Sneak into the lives of five women: Susan, a single mother; Lynette, a woman desperately trying to b alance family and career; Gabrielle, an ex model who has everything but a good m arriage; Bree, a perfect housewife with an imperfect relationship and Edie Britt , a real estate agent with a rocking love life. These are the famous five of Des perate Housewives, a primetime TV show. Get an insight into these popular charac ters with these Desperate Housewives quotes. Susan Yeah, well, my heart wants to hurt you, but I'm able to control myself! How would you feel if I used your child support payments for plastic surgery? Every time we went out for pizza you could have said, "Hey, I once killed a man. " Okay, yes I am closer to your father than I have been in the past, the bitter ha tred has now settled to a respectful disgust. Lynette Please hear me out this is important. Today I have a chance to join the human rac e for a few hours there are actual adults waiting for me with margaritas. Loo k, I'm in a dress, I have make up on. We didn't exactly forget. It's just usually when the hostess dies, the party is off. And I love you because you find ways to compliment me when you could just say, " I told you so." Gabrielle I want a sexy little convertible! And I want to buy one, right now! Why are all rich men such jerks? The way I see it is that good friends support each other after something bad has happened, great friends act as if nothing has happened. Love isn't enough. Where would we live? Here? With your roommates? The only deco ration in the bathroom is a bong! The only person more self centred than me is Carlos; he's so self centred he doe sn't even know how self centred I am. Bree Van De Kamp Oh, sweetie, they didn't abandon you because you're a whore, they abandoned you because you weren't all that nice to begin with. I'm taking my champagne and ageing eggs and I'm going. This is the way I see it, good friends offer to help in a crisis, great friends don't take no for an answer. Carlos, Gabrielle's husband Deals are meant to be renegotiated. Beating up a second gay guy looks bad. You wanna be a better mother? Do what my mama did, make sacrifices. My mama work ed her fingers to the bone for me. Sister Mary Money can't buy happiness. Father Crowley Don't be angry; be thankful, children are a gift. Reverend Sikes And over the years, we've had so many young people come to our ministry hating t hemselves for their unnatural desires, and within a few months, they've found an inner peace and a tranquillity that is nothing short of miraculous. Edie Of course I believe in evil I work in real estate. [edit] Season One [edit] Pilot Andrew: "I'm saying, do you always have to serve cuisine? Can't we just have foo d? Bree: "Are you doing drugs?" Andrew: "What?" Bree: "Change in behavior is one of the warning signs and you have been as fresh as paint over the last six months. That would explain why you're always locked in the bathroom." Danielle: "Trust me, that is not what he is doing." Andrew: "Shut up." Carlos: "It's business. Tanaka expects everyone to bring their wives." Gabrielle: "Every time I'm around that man, he tries to grab my ass." Carlos: "I made over $200,000 with him last week. If he wants to grab your ass, you let him." Carlos: "At the Donahue party, everyone was talking mutual funds and you found a way to mention you slept with half of the Yankee outfielders." Gabrielle: "I'm telling you, it came up in the context of the conversation." Rex (to Bree): "I'm sick of the bizarre way your hair doesn't move." Rex: "Since when do you make mistakes?" Bree: "What's that supposed to mean?" Rex: "It means that I'm sick of you being so damn perfect all the time. You're t his plastic suburban housewife with her pearls and her spatula who says things l ike 'We owe the Hendersons a dinner.'" Susan: "I just don't know how I'm going to survive this." Mary Alice: "Listen to me. We all have moments of desperation. But if we face th em head on, that's when we find out just how strong we really are." Susan: "Oh, I wouldn't eat that if I were you." Mike: "Why?" Susan: "I made it, trust me. Hey, hey, do you have a death wish?" Mike: "No, I just refuse to believe that anybody can screw up macaroni and chees e." Mike takes a bites of the macaroni, as SUSAN gestures apologetically, smiling Mike: "Oh my God. How did you...it tastes like it's burnt and undercooked." Susan: "Yeah, I get that a lot. Here you go." Danielle: "Why can't we ever have normal soup?" Bree: "Danielle, there is nothing abnormal about basil puree." Danielle: "Just once, couldn't we have a soup that people have heard of? Like, f rench onion or navy bean." Bree: "First of all, your father can't eat onions. He's deathly allergic. And I won't even dignify your navy bean suggestion. (pause) So, how's the osso buco?" Susan: "How would you feel if I used your child support payments for plastic sur gery?" Julie: "You look fine." Susan: "If you could cut back to two meals a day I could get a chemical peel." Julie: "Stop being so nervous, you're just asking him out to dinner. It's no big deal. " Susan: "You're right. (stalling) So, is that your project for school? You know i n 5th grade I made the white house out of sugar cubes." Julie: "Stop stalling and go. Before Mike figures out he can do better." Susan: (gapes at Julie) "Tell me again why I fought for custody of you?" Julie: "You were using me to hurt dad." Susan: "Oh, that's right." [edit] Ah, But Underneath Lady: "Listen, it seems to me like you have some anger management issues." Lynette: "I have four kids under the age of six. I absolutely have anger managem ent issues." Susan: "Julie? Mike Delfino just invited us to dinner Friday night." Julie: "He did? Cool." Susan: "But only I'm going. Because you're gonna come down with something semi s erious that requires bed rest and fluids." Gabrielle: "So now you're taking Julie on your dinner date with Mike?" Susan: "Yeah, well, if Edie's gonna be there, I'm gonna need emotional support." Julie: "Dear Diary, Mike doesn't even know I'm alive." Susan: "Shut up." Julie: "If you wanna date him, you're gonna have to ask him out." Susan: "I keep hoping he'll ask me out." Julie: "How's that going?" Susan: "Shouldn't you be making brownies for your nerdy friends?" Gabrielle: "I can't believe she wormed her way in. How did you let her do that?"
Susan: "I don't know, I was gonna take her out at the knees, but it all happened so fast." Gabrielle: "Well, you know what you need to do. You need to get there early, spe nd a little time with Mike before little barracuda gets there." Susan: "That's a good idea. Edie will get there at 5:45, which means her breasts will arrive at 5:30, so I should shoot for five." Bree: "It's the age old question. How much do really want to know about our neig hbors?" Gabrielle: "Do you know how bored I was today? I came this close to actually cle aning the house." Edie: "Oh God, look at all these things, all these beautiful things that my ex h usbands worked so hard for, burnt to a crisp." [edit] Pretty Little Picture Rex: "So these tennis lessons we're taking. How are we doing?" Bree: "My back hand is improving immensely, but you're still having problems wit h your serve." Rex: "Of course." Paul: "Can I be frank?" Susan: "Of course." Paul: "I don't care what her reasons were. Maybe she was depressed. Maybe she wa s bored. It doesn't matter. She abandoned her husband and her son. And I'll neve r forgive her." Gabrielle: "How was school?" John: "I got an A minus in biology." Gabrielle: "Show me what you you learned." Susan: "Lynette?" Lynette: "I'm in." Bree: "I'll make braised lamb shanks." Lynette: "I'm still in." Zach: "You didn't put in an obituary?" Paul: "I've been busy." Zach: "Maybe when you die, I won't put in an obituary." Susan: "How could we have all forgotten about this?" Lynette: "We didn't exactly forget, it's just usually when the hostess dies that party is off." Bree: "Lynette!" Lynette: "I'm not being flip, I'm just pointing out a reality." Carl: "The heart wants what it wants." Susan: "Well, my heart wants to hurt you, but I can control myself!" Gabrielle: (to Ashley, about kissing) "And some people kiss their friends, it's like a high five on the lips!" Bree: "Rex cries after he ejaculates." [edit] Who's that Woman? Martha: "I was just thinking of that expression, I ll make mincemeat out of you. Min cemeat used to be made up of little bits of meat chopped up, so the expression w as like saying, I ll chop you up into little pieces! " Yao Lin: "I hate lying." Gabrielle: "Yeah, well, I hate your ironing, so there." Edie (to Mrs. Huber): "I hate Susan Mayer. Everytime I see those big doe eyes of hers, I swear to God I just want to go out and shoot a deer." [edit] Come In, Stranger Bree: "I love to try out new recipes before the holidays. That way if the cookbo ok has it wrong, I can fix it." Bree: "He could've been a sexual predator." Rex: "And he ended up at Mrs. Frome's? That's a lose lose situation." Lynette: "You can tell them how beautifully behaved the twins are." Bree: "So you want me to lie?" Lynette: "I thought that was understood." Rex: "Oh come on, I'm staying at a motel, I haven't had a decent meal in weeks."
Bree: "Honey, the marriage counseling may not work out, you need to get used to bad cooking." Bree: "Rex. The truth is, with the kids gone, I'll be all by myself in this hous e for the first time in seventeen years." Rex: "Honey, I know it's hard to hear, but the marriage counseling might not wor k out. You need to get used to being alone." Bree: "You're right. That was hard to hear." Mama Solis: "Excuse my daughter in law. She's very fulfilled." Lynette: "Did you bat your eyes? You know, it doesn't work if you don't bat your eyes." Susan: "Honey, I batted everything that wasn't nailed down." Susan: "I hate to bother you while you're um...working, but do you have change f or a 5? Preferably in quarters. Prostitute: "If I got paid in quarters I must be doing something wrong!" [edit] Running to Stand Still Gabrielle: "Yeah, I ve seen who you ve been busy with." John: "Danielle? Come on, I mean, she s just a friend." Gabrielle: "Well, before you get any friendlier, let me remind you, I can do thi ngs to you she can t even pronounce" Bree: "Is that how you see me? As some sort of prude who just lays there like a cold fish? I love sex." Dr. Goldfine: "All right." Bree: "I love everything about it. The sensations, the smells. I especially love the feel of a man. All that muscle and sinew pressed against my body. And then, when you add friction. Mmm ... The tactile sensation of running my tongue over a man s nipple ever so gently. And then there s the act itself two bodies becoming one in that final eruption of pleasure. To be honest, the only thing I don t like about sex is the scrotum. I mean, obviously it has its practical applications, but I m just not a fan." Julie: "How am I supposed to blend in with a bunch of messed up teenagers?" Susan: "I dunno, pretend you're bulimic, gag a little." Bree: "I'm repairing a chipped mug." Rex: "Why don't you just buy a new one?" Bree: "Because I think it's better to fix what you already have." Susan (about borrowing the car): "It's no big deal. It's only for a couple of hou rs. I let you borrow my eggs for a whole year!" Bree: "How much longer is your mid life crisis going to last because it's really starting to tick me off!" Lynette: "Next Spring, we're going to do 'Bambi' and his mother is going to take a slug to the heart....and you're gonna like it!" [edit] Anything You Can Do Mary Alice (voiceover): "Competition, it means different things to different peo ple. But whether it s a friendly rivalry...or a fight to the death...the end resul t is the same. There will be winners...and there will be losers. Of course, the trick is to know which battles to fight. You see, no victory comes without a pri ce." Susan: "Hey Edie!" Edie: "Wow, get a load of you. You look so pretty. I hardly recognize you." [Susan is embarassed after having been hit in the face by a mechanical bull] Susan: "Everybody's staring at me, aren't they?" Mike: "Just the slapstick fans." Mr. Shaw: "Sometimes, evil drives a minivan." [edit] Guilty Edie: "I am not going to apologize for having a healthy sex life!" Martha: "Healthy? I'm going to have to burn every sheet you've touched." Bree: "This is the most impoverished neighborhood in the city. Trust me, someone will steal the car." Rex: "How can you be so sure?" Bree: "Because I have faith in the poor." Father Crowley: "Don't you want to be a good person?" Gabrielle: "What I want is to be happy." Father Crowley: "That's the answer of a selfish child." Gabrielle: "I know." (Doorbell rings) Lynette: "Go to hell. (doorbell rings 3 times) Go to hell, go to hell, go to hel l." Susan: (to Bongo, Mike's dog) "If you came in here to judge me, you can just lea ve. (Bongo turns around) No! Wait! Don't go!" Susan: (to Bongo) "What is wrong with you? Lassie would have had a fire truck he re by now! Stupid dog. (Bongo runs out) Good boy Bongo! Go get help! (Bongo brin gs back a dead bird) Ohh...ew!" [edit] Suspicious Minds Bree: "Hi Danielle. How was school?" Danielle: "It was ok." Bree: "Good. Where does Andrew keep his marijuana?" Edie: "Crap! Crap! Crap! I'm telling you, all of the good dresses are taken. Wel l, what the hell am I supposed to wear?" Lynette: "Well, Mrs. Huber never showed up. Why don't you wear this one?" Edie: "This is an old lady dress. You won't even be able to see my body." Lynette: "That is so like you, Edie. You're always thinking of others." Bree: "Well, that's because you just don't love him as much as I do!" Rex: "Well, isn't that nice." Bree: "It's just a fact. I'm his mother. He lived inside of me." Rex: "He hung out in your womb for a few months back in the 80s. Since then, I h ave grown to love him just as much as you!" Gabrielle: "Edie, what did you do to that dress?" Edie: "Well, I made it audience friendly. Can you tell I'm not wearing any under wear?" Gabrielle: "Yes!" Edie: "Good." [edit] Come Back to Me Bree: "Were you with a woman? Did you tell that you have a wife, or does that hi nder your pick up style?" Rex: "All right. Even if I was seeing someone, I have every right to. Exploring options is the whole point of being separated!" Bree: "Options! I'm not a mutual fund, Rex." Maisy: "You re not going to tell a soul. Bree, you may hate me, but you d hate the h umiliation a lot more." Bree: "Oh, I don t hate you, Maisy. I pity you." Julie: Oh, I talked to Dad today, and apparently, he and Brandi might break up."
Susan: "Oh, how awful!" Julie: "Mom, you re smiling." Susan: "Am I? Hmm." Bree (whispering): "As of this moment, Rex, I am no longer your wife. I am going to go out, and find the most vindictive lawyer I can find, and together, we are going to eviscerate you. I'm going to take away your money, your family, and yo ur dignity. Do you hear me?" Rex: "Bree..." Bree: "And I am so thrilled to know that you still love me. Because I want what' s about to happen to you...to hurt as much as humanly possible. I'm so glad you didn't die before I got a chance to tell you that." Maisy: "Oh, Bree. What a nice surprise. Would you like to come in?" Bree: "Well, that depends. Are you having an affair with my husband?" Bree: "Andrew, Danielle! Daddy's going to fornicate for us!" [edit] Move On George: "It was nice talking with you, Dr. Van de Kamp." Rex: "Please, you're dating my wife! Call me Rex!" Edie: "I just wanted you to know that everyone on Wisteria Lane is praying for y our sister's safe return." Felicia: "Oh, I seriously doubt that." Edie: "Look, Felicia, it's natural to freak out when a loved one is missing." Felicia: "Loved one? Oh, Edie, let me be clear about this. I hated Martha. She w as a wretched pig of a woman and the day she died, this world became a better pl ace." Bree: "Do me a favor, Rex. Please don't mistake my anal retentiveness for actual affection." Susan: "Mike, guess what. I love you." [edit] Every Day, A Little Death Felicia: "Look at them all. Vultures. Pretending to care when all they really wa nt are the sordid details." Police Chief: "I don't know, I think they just want to show their support." Felicia: "Please. Human beings feed on misery." Gabrielle: "You're the man of the house? You can't even leave it." Gabrielle: "I'm running out of money. In a couple of weeks, I'm gonna be screwed ." Yao Lin: "Why don't you hock some of your jewelry? There's a lot of stuff you ne ver wear, and most of it's ugly." Gabrielle: "Don't you have a toilet to scrub?" Edie: "Oh Susan, you are such a good person, and I'm such a bitch!" Susan: "I guess I should go take a shower and wash Mrs. Huber off me." Felicia: "Hello. I want to thank you all for coming out here and expressing your genuine sorrow and disbelief. My sister, Martha, would have been so touched. I know that many of you have questions. I've just spoken with the police who are s till putting together the details of what happened. What they do know is, Martha died a violent death. Yes, I know. It s hard to hear. Apparently, there was a str uggle. They found scratching and bruising on her body, several broken bones, and traces of dirt in her lungs, which leads us to believe that she was still alive at the time of her burial, and probably in great pain. But the good news is, th ere are no signs that she had been molested. Now, I think it's time that you ret urn to your homes, to your loved ones. Oh, in lieu of a memorial service, I'll b e holding an estate sale the day after tomorrow. Please, no personal checks." [edit] Your Fault Rex: "Hey!" Bree: "I m not speaking to you." Rex: "Didn t like the settlement talks, huh?" Bree: "You only demanded the good china because you know I love it." Rex: "You take our timeshare in Aspen, and I m vindictive? Come on! You'll hardly ever use that place!" Bree: "Hardly? How about never!" Rex: "I mean, fine. When I move out, I m going to use your good china for take out food. Yeah. pizza, spare ribs..." Bree: "You know what? At our next settlement talks, I plan on asking for your go lf clubs!" Rex: "Isn t divorce fun?" Susan (chuckles): "Listen, I know being dramatic is the birthright of every teen ager, but come on..." Zach: "WHY ARE YOU LAUGHING!!?? DO YOU THINK THIS IS FUNNY?" Susan (harshly): "Thank you, Zach. You have just made this really easy for me. Y ou are now forbidden from seeing or talking to my daughter ever again. And if yo u come within ten feet of her, I will call the police, and I will have you arres ted! Now get out!" Gabrielle: "John, you're a toy. A sweet dumb toy. So you might as well go to col lege, because me and you? no future!" Rex: "What do you say Bree, do we send the vultures home?" Bree: "I want to keep the club membership. Rex is terrible at tennis and hates b uffets." Gabrielle: "I've tried poor but happy. Guess what? Wasn't that happy!" [edit] Love is in the Air Bree: "Okay. So what s our control word?" Rex: "Well, lately I ve been using Philadelphia. What s wrong?" Bree: "Well it s just that my Aunt Fern lives in Philadelphia and I don t want to be thinking about her while I m spanking you with a leather strap." Rex: "Okay. Fine. You pick a control word." Bree: "Um, how about Boise?" Rex: "Boise?" Bree: "What s the matter with Boise?" Rex: "We re going to be doing psychological role playing here, Bree, and a funny w ord like Boise would ruin the mood. We need something that sounds serious." Bree: "Hmm. How about Palestine?" Rex: "Boise will be just fine." Rex: "For God's sake, you promised to be supportive." Bree: "What do you want me to say? My husband likes to wear metal clamps around his nipples. Hooray?" Lynette: "Are you sure you didn't misplace it? No offense, but you're getting up there in the years." Mrs. McCluskey: "No offense, but you should be sterilised." Lynette: "Do you know what psychological warfare is?" Porter: "No.." Lynette: "Too bad for you." Karen McCluskey: "How old are you?" Porter Scavo (also referring to his twin brother): "We're 6." Karen McCluskey: "And how old are you?" Parker Scavo: "5." Karen McCluskey: "Wow, your mother just pops them out, doesn't she?" Porter Scavo: "How old are you?" Karen McCluskey: "How old do you think?" Porter Scavo: "150." [edit] Impossible John: "Mrs. Van De Kamp." Bree: "Hello, John. I'm sorry to drop by on you, unannounced. Do you have a mome nt?" John: "Sure. So, what can I do for you?" Bree: "Well, I'll tell you. My daughter is planning on giving you her virginity and I would consider it a personal favor if you wouldn't take it." Rex: for God's sake Bree, what do you want me to say? He's a teenage boy, we cou ld cut of his penis and he'd still try to have sex." Bree: "You're President of the abstinence club!" Danielle: "Well, I wasn't planning on running for a second term." Susan: "Well, I'm adorable crazy. And he's rampage crazy." Bree: "We're WASPs, denying the white elephant in the room is what we do best." Andrew: "Would this have to do with the condom you left in my room? 'Cause that wasn't mine..." Danielle: "You suck, you know that." [edit] The Ladies who Lunch Edie: "So, what are we looking for, exactly? An embroidered pillow that says "I killed Martha Huber"?" Edie: "I was just about to give a Maisy Gibbons update." Lynette: "Guys, we should be ashamed of ourselves for reveling in that woman's m isery. That being said, Edie, please continue." Edie: "My necklace! Oh, you know, I lent this to Martha three months ago, and sh e said that it went down the drain. Oh, I miss how we used to steal things from one another." Lynette: "I don't get it. I don't get who would pay Maisy for sex." Gabrielle: "Obviously someone who is not getting it at home." Bree: "Ah, what just happened?" Lynette: "The stakes were raised." Bree: "Yes, yes they were. I fold." Maisy: "..I've been abandoned. I guess that what happens when you become the tow n whore." Bree: "Oh sweetie, they didn't abandon you because you're a whore. They abandone d you because you weren't that nice to begin with." Gabrielle: "As I see it, good friends avoid each other after being humiliated, b ut great friends pretend nothing happened in the first place." Bree: "Good friends offer to help in a crisis; great friends don't take no for a n answer." Susan: "Do you believe in evil, Edie?" Edie: "Of course I believe in evil, I work in real estate!" Rex: "Are they laughing at us?" Bree: "No, I think they're laughing at you. I think they feel sorry for me which is, just as mortifying." Rex: "What are we gonna do?" Bree: "Oh. We're going to act like nothing is happening, and then, when we finis h eating, we're going to walk out of here with all the dignity that we can muste r." Rex: "Please, let's go now..." Bree: "Oh no. I refuse to give them this kind of satisfaction. Open your menu." Rex: "Everybody's staring, Bree. It's humiliating." Bree: "Rex, if you walk out of this restaurant, I will scream. Rex: "Bree..." Bree: "I will scream about your cruelty. Then I will scream about your infidelit y. And just to make sure it really hurts, I will scream about your distasteful s exual habits. You want to know what true humiliation is, you just take one step. " Susan: "You lied to me." Mike: "When? When did I lie to you?" Susan: "The police showed me your rap sheet. You killed a man." Mike: "You can't believe I'm some cold blood killer." Susan: "No, of course I don't believe that, but I also didn't believe that Karl was going to cheat on me, and I didn't believe that Mary Alice was gonna kill he rself. I mean, let's face it, Mike. Blind faith is not my friend." Mike: "I was gonna tell you. There just wasn't a right moment." Susan: "See? Now that's a lie, too, because there were plenty of right moments."
Mike: "Susan " Susan: "Every time we went out for pizza, you could have said, 'oh, by the way, I once killed a man.' Or when you said, 'hey, let's go jogging', you could have said, 'well, by the way, I once killed a man.' Every time we went to the movies and the hero shot the bad guy, you could have turned to me and said, 'oh, by the way, I did that once.' You didn't." [edit] There Won't Be Trumpets Edie: "Susan, you know I try. I try to look past your flaws, your klutziness, th at, that faux vulnerability, your hair, but you look for ways to push my buttons ." Susan: "He just wants to buy me a burrito." Bree: "Think about how good men are at lying on the spot. Imagine if you gave th em time and a pen." [edit] Children Will Listen Bree: "Porter, what did I tell you?" Porter: "But I'm hungry." Bree: "Well, then, I will fix you a very nice bowl of peaches and cottage cheese ." Porter: "Ew, barf." Bree: "Don't be common, young man." Gabrielle: "Because, one day, when the time is right, we're gonna tell him how h e drove me right into your arms, and that's gonna kill him. And tonight, just wh atever you do, don't call me beautiful." Tom: "Lynette, the kids are getting older, and they are getting smarter. Soon, t hey're going to realize that they outnumber us, and then..." Lynette: "We're screwed." Tom: "Exactly. Lynette: "Hi. (to Bree) My babysitter cancelled." Bree: "I've got millions of erands to run so...." Lynette: "Please hear me out. This is important. Today I have a chance to join t he human race for a few hours. They're actual adults waiting for me with margari tas. Look, I'm in a dress. I have make up on." Bree: "If it were any other day." Lynette: "Oh, for Gods sake, Bree, I'm wearing pantyhose." Rex: "Bree, why aren't you dressed?" Bree: "I wanted to wear Andrew's favorite color, but I just realized I don't kno w what it is." Rex: "Bree, I'm sure that you came to see him will be all he needs." Bree: (ignoring him) "A good mother is supposed to know her kids inside and out, but I don't know that." Rex: "Bree..." Bree: "Yours is blue, and Danielle loves pink. But I...I can't remember Andrew's . Should I wear the brown, or the green..." Rex: "Bree, you are a wonderful mother. And when you are ready, I'll be in the c ar." Bree: (quietly, to herself) "I'll wear green; everyone likes green." Felicia (referring to Mrs. Huber's house): "This is the place where good taste g oes to die." [edit] Live Alone and Like It Andrew: "You know what my mom said to me last night? She said she doesn't think I'm going to Heaven. Can you believe that?" Reverend Sikes: "I'm sure she didn't mean to hurt your feelings, but the only wa y you can know Paradise is by repenting your sins." Andrew: "When she said that to me, suddenly it hit me how I was gonna get back a t her. From now on, I'm going to be so good. I'm gonna eat my vegetables, I'm,I' m gonna get good grades, I'm gonna say "yes, ma'am" and "no, ma'am." I'm gonna m ake her believe that God has delivered her this little miracle. Until one day, w hen she least expects it, I'm gonna do something so awful, it is going to rock h er world. I mean, it is really going to destroy her. And when that day comes, tr ust me. I'll know Paradise." John: "What about me? Can't I be your plan B?" Gabrielle: "Damn it, John. What is our new rule?" John: "Stop pretending we have a future." Gabrielle: "Thank you." Gabrielle: "If you ever hurt me again, I will kill you." Carlos: "If you ever leave me for another man, I'll kill you." Gabrielle: "Boy, with all this passion, isn't it a shame that we're not having s ex?" Gabrielle: "I feel trapped." John: "You want me to open a window?" Gabrielle: "No, I'm talking about my life." John: "Oh. Are we done making out?" Andrew: (referring to the wine) You don't suppose I can get some of that? Rex: Nope. I'm gonna need every drop. Gabrielle: "Carlos cut up all my credit cards. I'm married and I can't shop whic h is the worst of all of all possible worlds." John: "Why dont you return the shoes and get the money back?" Gabrielle: "Return the shoes!?! I can't talk to you when you're being hysterical !" Bree: "Your father is into S&M. He makes me beat him with a riding crop. No wond er you're perverted. Look who your parents are." [edit] Fear No More Edie: "When I feel threatened by a woman, I pull her in. I make her my best frie nd." Lynette: "I thought you said you didn't have any female friends." Edie: "I don't. And I've never felt threatened by another woman, either. Martha (about Mary Alice): "Are you saying she stole the baby?" Felicia: "Don't look shocked, Martha. It makes your face look fat. The biologica l mother was a drug addict. If Angela is your neighbor, which I doubt, then that child was very lucky." Bree: "Honey, do your hands still tremble when they touch me?" Rex: "Ha,ha. No. But come on, we've been married eighteen years." Bree: "Yes we have. And you still don't know when I need you to lie." Father Crowley: "Gabrielle, what brings you down here? (she looks concerned) Oh, sweet mother of God what have you done this time?" Tom: "...It seems like you're not going to be happy until you drive me out of th is marriage just to prove yourself right (Pause)...You know what, forget I said that." Lynette: "It's too late." Tom: "Well, then just consider it something husbands say to their wives." [edit] Sunday in the Park with George Carlos: "Where are you going?" Gabrielle: "I feel a wave of morning sickness coming on, and I want to be standi ng on your mother's grave when it hits." Carlos: "Before the accident I told her how much I wanted a child and she said t hat she would take care of it. I just thought that she would talk to you. Baby, I am so sorry." Gabrielle: "That bitch! I can t believe her." Carlos: "I loved her, but even I had issues sometimes. I mean she could be very controlling." Gabrielle: "Reaching out from the grave to screw with me. God, she s good!" Felicia: "I hid the originals in a safe place. It seemed like a reasonable preca ution seeing as you murdered Martha and all. Would you like a cookie?" (Paul Young refuses) Felicia: "Suit yourself." Edie: (to Bree) You could have an affair with anyone and you choose the pharmaci st? You are such a Republican. [edit] Goodbye For Now Gabrielle: "You see, your health insurance sent us a letter because someone orde red a year's worth of birth control pills, and apparently our policy doesn t cover drugs bought by the kilo." Carlos: "I told you, it was mamá." Gabrielle: "The prescription was dated, Carlos, and Juanita was in a coma when t his claim was filed. You did this, not your mother. At least be man enough to ow n up to it. She would ve been." Carlos: "Why d you hit the lawn boy?" Gabrielle: "Well if you saw what he did to our begonias, you d slap him too." Susan: "Okay, next time I won't bring my daughter to stalk my boyfriend. It was a slight error in judgement." Bree: (to George) "Are you having an erection?" Bree: "Think of something unpleasant...like famine, or disease, or hobos!" Susan: "You wasted your time... and your donuts." Edie: "Not if you choke on them." [edit] One Wonderful Day John: (to Carlos) "Just so you know, you beat up the wrong guy. Didn't you think it was strange that your lawn was the only one that needed to be mowed three ti mes a week?" [edit] Season Two [edit] Next Bree: "(calmly) I have some news. Rex died." Betty: "(to Bree) We widows have to stick together." Matthew: "I was just trying to cover up." Betty: "I know you were but next time leave the cleverness to me." Carlos: "I can't believe you had an affair." Gabrielle: "Well you tampering with my birth control pills was a lot worse than that." Carlos: "We're not very nice people are we?" Gabrielle: "No." Carlos: "When we got married I thought we were gonna be so happy." Gabrielle: "Me too. But look on the bright side. At least we're still rich." Carlos: "Thank God for that." (Susan, Lynette, & Gabrielle are wondering why Bree is acting so calm about Rex' s death) Bree: "I can't afford to break down right now." Gabrielle: "Why?" (Rex's mother, Phyllis, comes around in a taxi sobbing) Bree: "You're about to find out." (Phyllis has been rude to Bree) Bree: "You are no longer invited to the funeral." Phyllis Van De Kamp: "What?!?" Bree: "I will have security guards at the door of the church with sticks and the y will be assigned to beat you with those sticks if you do so much as enter." Reverend Sikes: "Bree, this is your grief talking." Bree: "Reverend, if you don't back me up on this, I will take the funeral away f rom your church." Reverend Sikes: "Bree!" Bree: "I'm not kidding. I will get non denominational so fast it will make your head spin." Andrew: "Mom, Grandma's leaving." Bree: "I know. She's been uninvited to the funeral." Andrew: "Why?" Bree: "If only you heard all the nasty things she said to me." Andrew: "Look, I'm sure she was a real bitch, but she's family, so that's makes her our bitch. Let her say goodbye to Dad." Danielle: "(crying) Mom, if you don't invite Grandma to the funeral I'll never f orgive you!" Andrew:(to Danielle) "Did I ask for your help? (back to Bree) I'm sure Dad would 've wanted her there." Bree: (to Rex's corpse) "You look magnificent." [edit] You Could Drive A Person Crazy Gabrielle: "Be careful, Carlos. Up until now, I've been really lonely in that bi g bed of ours, but when you're rude to me, it makes me wanna be not so lonely." Carlos: "Comments like that are exactly why you'll never again have access to my money." Gabrielle: "Why are all rich men jerks?" Carlos: "Same reason all beautiful women are bitches." (pause) Carlos: "So, same time tomorrow?" Gabrielle: "Sure, baby." Susan: "What do you mean, you know?" Julie: "I mean, I know." Susan: "What are you saying, that your father actually told you he was gonna be having a one night stand with Edie Britt?" Julie: "Uh, mom, this wasn't a one night stand. He's been going out with Mrs. Br itt for a few months now." Susan: "What?! How could you not tell me that? We share everything. That's what we're known for. That's our thing." Julie: "Because I knew you'd wig out. Besides, haven't you always told me to res pect people's privacy?" Susan: "Oh, I've never applied that concept to your father's sex life, and you k now it." Julie: "Are you done?" Susan: "No! I have not even begun ripping into Edie Britt yet. Oh, that peroxide vulture. As know as sure as I am standing here that she went after your father just to tick me off." Julie: "Wrong again." Susan: "What?" Julie: "He asked her out." Susan: "You lie." Julie: "It's true. He called her for a date six months ago. The day after my bir thday party." Susan: "The one at the piano bar?" Julie: "Yeah. What is it?" Susan: "Oh, um... Your father just came over that day and told me some stuff. Yo u know, some stuff that I haven't, and can't tell you." Julie: "Wait, whatever happened to 'We share everything'? Isn't that our thing, what we're known for?" Susan: "Um, actually, I think what we're known for is sharing clothes. Yeah, I t hink that's our thing." Gabrielle: (heard from Carlos about a guy demanding money) "Honey, I think this is a mistake. If we give in to extortion, the guy's just gonna keep coming back for more money." Carlos: "What choice do I have?" Gabrielle: "You're a strong guy. You went to college on an athletic scholaship, for God's sakes." Carlos: "Yeah. It was for golf!" [edit] You'll Never Get Away From me Susan: "I'm all for Julie spending time with Karl. He is still her dad, and she loves him." Mike: "But..." Susan: "But he's with Edie! I mean, she's not exactly the maternal type. I would n't be a good mother if I wasn't concerned. I mean, who knows what passes for a kid friendly, good time in there? Drugs? Porn? Smoking?" Bree: "My husband died of a heart attack. I loved him deeply. And your mother di d a lousy job." Gabrielle: "Say what you want, but John Rowland loved me like no one ever has. N ot as a trophy or as a possession, but for me. He loved me." (Carlos laughs at her) Gabrielle: "No, he really did. Let me count the ways. Um, gently, savagely, freq uently, upside down..." Lynette: "And I'm sorry about your hair. I can see why you're upset." Bree: "Would you two please stop looking at me like that?! Obviously, I did not kill your father. I loved him deeply." Susan: "Well, what makes you so sure that I don't have a talent?" Edie: "Hmm. Just a hunch." Susan: "Yeah, well we've all seen your talent, which is a nice way of telling yo u, why don't you put some curtains on your bedroom window?" Julie: "Guys!" Edie: "Oh, come on. Be honest, you didn't want any part of this until you found out that I was involved." Susan: "That is so not true!" Edie: "Oh, yes it is. It burns you that your own daughter picked me over you." Susan: "She did not pick you. It just didn't occur to her that I would agree to do it. Well, now she knows, and she had it to do over again, she'd pick me." Edie: "No, she wouldn't." Susan: "Well, why don't we put it to a test? Julie, who would you rather have pl ay with you?" Julie: "Oh, no, no, no, no." Susan: "No, it's okay, honey. Who do you want to be with you in the 'family' tal ent show?" Edie: "Yes, who do you want with you in front of all of those people? And rememb er, it's a church. They are going to be judging you." Julie: "Ohh... okay. Well, first of all, you both suck, but if I had to choose.. . I guess I'd pick my mom. Sorry, Edie." Edie: "Fair enough. I'd like my pitch pipe back, please." Edie: "Oh, give me a break! This thing has, like, 90 flats in it." [edit] My Heart Belongs To Daddy Lynette: "And you don't find it odd that Parker's new friend made her appearance right at the time I went back to work?" Tom: "Kids have imaginary friends. It's no big deal." Lynette: "I'll agree with you to a point, when they're flying kangaroos or giant robots, not surrogate mommies." Tom: "Hey. Parker is having a little trouble adjusting. That's all. Apparently, so are you. Honey, don't be so sensitive." Lynette: "I hope you're right. At the risk of sounding too sensitive, how come s he gets a bigger portion?" Mike: "Uh, Susan?" Susan: "Yeah?" Mike: "Technically, we don't have to be casual anymore." Susan: "I can be naked in 20 seconds. That includes travel time." Gabrielle: "You and I need to get laid! (everyone in the visiting room looks at her, astonished) Oh, don't judge me. You're not here because you got caught help ing the poor." Bree: "I'll be serving dinner tomorrow night at 7. Please don't be late." Andrew: "I'm sorry, but I already have plans." Bree: "Andrew, don't you have a meet at the swim club?" Andrew: "Yeah, so?" Bree: "Doesn't it require a large entrance fee, one that you can't afford by you rself?" Andrew: "Are you blackmailing me into coming to dinner?" Bree: "Oh, you don't know the lengths I'd go to for even seating." Tom: "Okay, listen. Don't worry about it. I'm sure Mrs. Mulberry's around here s omewhere." Lynette: "Or, uh, maybe she's not. She could've left. You know... Maybe she had some other little boy that she needed to help." Parker: "Like who?" Lynette: "I don't know, it could be a little boy in, uh... England... named Spen cer?" Tom: "Lynette?" Lynette: "I mean, this is conjecture on my part. But it is possible that someone like little Spencer needs Mrs. Mulberry more, because he doesn't have a daddy a nd a mommy who love him. Yeah, that's it. He's a orphan. with no hands! Okay?" ( Tom's face becoming dark) Lynette: "(crying) Because of me, my son's imaginary friend got crushed by a gar bage truck. I am the worst person in the world." Tom: "Honey, he is going to get over this in no time. Trust me. And one day when he is all grown up, you and Parker are going to laugh hysterically about this."
Lynette: "You really think so? Really?" Tom: "I promise." [edit] They Asked Me Why I Believed In You Carlos: "Is that the baby's head?" Gabrielle: "No, that's his foot." Carlos: "That looks like a head to me." Gabrielle: "Well, that settles it. When this baby's born, I'll be in charge of p utting on the socks." Bree: "Well, I have some good news. The police have finally released Rex's body. " Gabrielle: "About time." Susan: "You must be so relieved." Bree: "You know, mostly I'm just annoyed that the whole thing happened in the fi rst place. I mean, how in the world could anybody accuse me of murder?" Edie: "Well, you are wound pretty tight. (everyone looks at her) What? The super mom is always first to snap. They've done studies." Bree: "Anyway, I was... I was hoping that you are were free friday morning becau se that's when I'm going to be hosting the reburial." Gabrielle: "The what?" Bree: "Look, I know it's an imposition, but Danielle is away on a class trip, an d Andrew is back at the Camp Hennessey for a little refresher course. Well, it's just gonna be a very brief and dignified ceremony and I was hoping that you cou ld say a few words, and, um, I'm gonna read a poem." Gabrielle: "We would love to come." Susan: "Absolutely." (Bree stands up and leaves her seat, and Susan looks at Edie rushing her answer)
Edie: "I'm busy. Sorry." Susan: "Edie!" Edie: "She's going to read a poem!" (Susan kicks Edie under the table) Edie: "Ouch!! Fine! Yes, yes, we'd all love to come." Counselor: "This is your third group session, but you have yet to share anything . Come on, talk to us. How's your marriage?" Gabrielle: "Shaky, at best." Counselor: "And why is that?" Gabrielle: "I don't know. I hired a brilliant lawyer to get my husband out of th is hellhole, and he fired him for no reason at all." Counselor: "Carlos?" Carlos: "I just didn't like him." Gabrielle: "Why not? He's experienced, he's intelligent, he's successful." Carlos: "Exactly! I'd prefer an attorney you didn't find so damn appealing." Gabrielle: "Oh, my god. You fired him because you're jealous?" Carlos: "Don't I have the right to? You know, she cheated on me." (Bob, who was also there having a group session, gasps) Gabrielle: "Oh, Bob. You beat your wife. You are so not allowed to gasp." Lisa: "Don't you talk that way to him!" Gabrielle: "One more word out of you, Lisa, and I will backhand you myself." Counselor: "Okay, calm down." Carlos: "Thousands of fat, bald attorneys out there in the world, and she's gott a get the one that looks like an underwear model." Gabrielle: "I'm not discussing this anymore. You can rot in here for all I care. " Counselor: "So, um... Mona, what do you feel are the biggest problems in your ma rriage?" Gabrielle: (interrupting) "By the way, he was wearing a suit. How do you know he had a good body?!" Carlos: "Do you know?" Gabrielle: "No!" Mona's Husband: "I bet he's hot." (everyone stops what they were doing) Mona: "Do I need to say what our biggest problem is, or can everybody figure it out for themselves?" Bree: "My husband, the man I spent my life with for 18 years, died thinking that I murdered him." Susan: "What?" Bree: "Yes, the cardiologist shared this monoric theory with Rex. And Rex believ ed him!" Gabrielle: "Are you sure?" Bree: "Yes, because he left a note and it said, and I quote, 'Bree, I understand . And I forgive you.' I spent 18 years of my life with this man. How could he no t know me?" Edie: "Well, maybe he was forgiving you for something else?" Bree: (exploding) "I HAVE DONE NOTHING TO BE FORGIVEN FOR! I was a fantastic wif e! When he was sick, I nursed him. When we were low on money, I stayed within a budget. I cooked his meals. I mended his clothes. For the love of god, I used to check his back for acne. And that miserable son of a bitch has the nerve to und erstand and forgive me? Well, the joke's on him, because I do not understand, an d I do not forgive. [edit] I Wish I Could Forget You [edit] Color and Light [edit] The Sun Won't Set [edit] That's Good, That's Bad [edit] Coming Home [edit] We're Gonna Be All Right [edit] There's Something About a War [edit] Silly People Ferrara: So, the pig actually eats the bacon? Tom Scavo: Uh, huh, yeah. Ed Ferra ra: I don't see the client doing a happy dance over the whole cannibalism theme. Lynette Scavo: Well, Tom, why don't you pitch him the other idea you came up wit h last night. You know the one where people love bacon so much they want to keep it a secret. Ed Ferrara: What like a secret underground society of bacon eaters? Tom Scavo: More like my college fraternity, where, you know, everybody wanted in , but we only took the coolest guys. Ed Ferrara: You were Greek? Tom Scavo: Alpha Tau Omega. Ed Ferrara: I was Phi Kap. Tom Scavo: You? Ed Ferrara: And I don't remember you having to be that cool to pledge ATO. Tom Scavo: Look, if I had a nickel for every Phi Kap that I tied to a freeway si gn. Ed Ferrara: Scavo, if you were my pledge, I would've made you my bitch. Carlos: What, so you don't get what you want, you just walk off and pout? Gabrielle: Oh, this isn't about me. This is about our great nation, and I have n o intention of statisfying a man who isn't willing to stand up for and help spre ad the ideas and values of the United States of America. [edit] Thank You So Much Bree: Well, I didn't wanna come here because I was afraid it would drudge up mem ories of my husband. This was our place. Rex passed away recently. He was, um, m urdered by our pharmacist. Frank: Wow. I hope you changed pharmacists. Bree: I didn't have to. He committed suicide. Carlos: [about Gabrielle's mother] I think your hatred for her is clouding your judgment. Gabrielle: Maybe, but you don't know her like I do. Carlos: Okay. You ran away from home fifteen years ago. Did you ever think to ta lk to her about the stuff that happened between you and your step dad? Gabrielle: It wouldn't have done any good. Carlos: How do you know that? Gabrielle: Because she knew exactly what was going on with Alejandro and she cho se to look the other way. Carlos: But you never even gave her a chance to step up. You just ran away from home. Gabrielle: [in tears] Because if I did, then she, we, there was a chance she wou ldn't have believed me, and, and that would've hurt a lot worse than anything he ever did to me. [edit] There Is No Other Way Bree: [after Andrew tells her he hates her] The opposite of love isn't hate. It' s indifference. And if you hate me, that means you still care, and we're still c onnected... and I still have a chance to set you right.
Carlos: Gaby, these pictures have to be wholesome. They gotta say 'these people will do a great job raising a child. Gabrielle: So? Carlos: So, you're topless. Gabrielle: Yeah, but it's St. Barts and your hands are covering my naughty parts . Carlos: Do you mean the hand that's holding the tequila shot, or the one that's holding the Cuban cigar? Gabrielle: Yeah, that was a good trip.
Nurse Ruth Ann Heisel: Time to check your blood pressure. Susan: Oh, sure. Oh, t hat's a little tight. Does it have to be that tight? Nurse Ruth Ann Heisel: Yes. Susan: Oh. Okay. Ow, ow. That's actually starting to be painful. Nurse Ruth Ann Heisel: Really? That surprises me. I just assumed you were dead inside. Bree: Perception is reality, Andrew. And if people perceive me to have a drinkin g problem, then I do. And I certainly don't want some idiotic judge using my hob by as an excuse to make you rich. So I'm simply going to give up my wine and bec ome a recovering alcoholic. Andrew Van De Kamp: Good plan, but it'll never work. See, I'll bet you still end up coming to court hammered. Bree: Oh, Andrew, you don't think I love you enough to give up alcohol? Andrew Van De Kamp: Look, I'm seventeen, all right? So, you can only keep me her e for another year. Why not just let me go? Bree: Because I'm not done with you yet. It's my job to teach you and you are no t half the man I know you can be. Andrew Van De Kamp: Yeah, well, I got news for you. This is as good as I'm gonna get. Bree: If I really thought that, I'd get a gun right now and kill us both. [edit] Could I Leave You [edit] Please Don't Look At Me [Parker is coloring] Lynette: Sweety could you put the crayons down for a second, we need to talk. I talked to your teacher today and she told me about the cookie deal you made with Cindy Lou. Parker Scavo: Oh, are you mad? Lynette: [laughs uncomfortably] No, not exactly, I'm trying to understand why yo u did that. Parker Scavo: [Innocently] Tommy Keenan told me babies come from down there, tha t doesn't sound right to me. Lynette: Well, actually he's kinda right, he's got the concept down. Parker Scavo: [Innocently confused] That's weird! How does a baby get in there? Lynette: Daddy will be home from his business trip in a few days, why don't you wait for him? Parker Scavo: OK. Or I can ask Tommy's brother. He's fourteen and he knows every thing! [Parker looks skeptical as Lynette draws a picture] Lynette:... And then the mommy and the daddy because they love each other so muc h, they hug real tight, and a seed is magically implanted and nine months later a baby is born. Parker Scavo: What kind of seed? Lynette: Oh, that's not important. Parker Scavo: I don't believe you! Lynette: Parker I'm your mother. Mother's don't lie to their sons. Now go wash y our hands or Santa's not gonna bring you anything for Christmas. [edit] I Wish I Could Forget You Dr. Goldfine: "So the hives occured right after you kissed George." Bree: "Yes. It was the strangest thing. And so inconvenient. To be honest, I thi nk we were about to make love for the first time." Dr. Goldfine: "Bree, have you considered the idea that your subconscious mind wa s trying to sabotage your evening with George?" Bree: "Actually, I have not considered that, because that's... idiotic." Dr. Goldfine: "You don't think that being with George made you feel a bit guilty ?" Bree: "Why should I feel guilty?" Dr. Goldfine: "Perhaps you felt you were about to commit adultery." Bree: "Dr. Goldfine, Rex is dead. You can't cheat on a corpse." Dr. Goldfine: "Maybe that's not how you really feel deep down." Bree: "Oh, so you think I'm crazy?" Dr. Goldfine: "You say you got a case of hives for no reason. I think there is a reason, and it's probably a psychosomatic one." Bree: "You can think whatever you want, but to be honest, I don't believe in the subconscious." Dr. Goldfine: "Every time you've said 'Rex' in this session, you stroked the pla ce where your wedding ring used to be. Why did you do that?" David: "What the hell is this? I thought I told you to dress maternal." Gabrielle: "Yes, you did, and I considered it for about a second." David: "What happened?" Gabrielle: "David, I know you're the lawyer and all, but if you ask me, it's nev er a smart strategy to cover this up." David: "We've got 40 minutes before the pre trial hearing. Let's go home and get you changed." Gabrielle: "What?!" David: "You want to get your husband out of jail? Got to dress like a pregnant, suffering wife, not the cover of Vogue." David: "You're not willing to get a divorce but you're willing to have an affair ?" Gabrielle: "I said I was Catholic, not a fanatic." Edie: "Well, someone may as well say it. Susan, what the hell have you been smok ing? Could I Leave You? Eugene Beale: Libby's a pole dancer in a strip club. Gabriell e: Oh! Wow, that, that sounds like interesting work. Libby: You'd think so, but it gets old quickly. My big dream is to become a choreographer. Carlos: Really? Libby: Yeah. I made up this one move. It's called the serpent's tongue, and all the girls at the club are doing it now. It's so cool. If I had a pole I could sh ow you. Carlos: Well, we'll have to go down to the club and check that out. We'l l make a night of it. [edit] I Know Things Now Susan: I need you to ditch Edie tomorrow night and have dinner with Dr. Ron and me. Karl: Now why would I do that? Susan: Well, for starters, because you banged your secretary and you owe me for the rest of your life. Karl: I'll bring the w ine. Bree: Well, I'm still appalled that you're helping my son with this ridiculous e mancipation scheme, but you are a guest in my house and guests get sandwiches. A ndrew Van De Kamp: You know, if you'd let me go to his office, you wouldn't have to pretend to be nice to him. Bree: Andrew, there may be a judge out there stup id enough to emancipate you, but until you find him, I retain all my parental ri ghts. One of which is to ground your sorry behind until kingdom come.. Mr. Borma nis, nice to see you again, and, um, please don't get crumbs on my carpet. Carlos: That was our lawyer. Libby rejected us as parents. Gabrielle: Why? Gabri elle: What? That's discrimination. It's illegal. We could have her arrested. Car los: It's her baby. She can do whatever the hell she wants to with it. Damn it. Gabrielle: No! No, you don't just toss people aside because of the color of thei r skin. Carlos: We tossed those birth mothers aside because of their appearance. Gabrielle: Well, that's different. Carlos: Why? Gabrielle: Because I've read th e constitution and it does not protect ugly people. [edit] Remember [edit] Season Three [edit] Listen to the Rain on the Roof Mary Alice (voiceover): Every storm brings with it hope that somehow by morning everything will be made clean again, and even the most troubling stains would ha ve disappeared like the doubts over his innocents, or the consequence of his mis take, like the scars of his betrayal or the memory of his kiss. So we wait for t he storm to pass, hoping for the best even though we know in our hearts some sta ins are so indelible nothing can wash them away. [edit] It Takes Two Nora: We stopped off at this bar and I got bitchy with one of the waitresses. Wh o cares,right? I mean, who cares? It's a bar, and we all do it, right? Lynette: Right Nora: So he tells me to watch my mouth, and I'm like, whoa, get a load of Mr Two strikes tryin to tell me how to act in public. And then he called me a whore W e done. Lynette: Ok, whoa,whoa. Take a deep breath. You don't break up with a guy becaus e in a weak moment he call you a whore. Nora: And then on the way out, he threatned to hit me. Lynette: Ok, but he didn't, and unti he... Nora: Oh, jeez,Lynette. Whose side are you on? Lynette: I'm on the side of love. You guys seem like such a perfect couple Nora: [crying] I know Lynette: I just.... You don't wanna throw that all away cause of a little fight with no hitting Nora: No. It's over [edit] A Weekend in the Country Lynette Scavo: Parker, hey, where's your uniform? You've got your game in an hou r. Parker Scavo: No I don't, I quit. Lynette Scavo: What? Parker Scavo: I hate baseball! Daddy said I don't have to play it anymore. Lynette Scavo: Well daddy should've checked with mommy so she could have a chanc e to tell him why he's wrong. Hey, you're playing! Parker Scavo: But mom, I suck! Everybody says so! That's why they made up a fake position for me! Lynette Scavo: It's not fake. There's not a team I know that can get along witho ut their back up far right fielder! OK, come on, let's go practice. Parker Scavo: [disgrunteled] Ohh! [edit] Like It Was [edit] Nice She Ain t Orson "Will you stop it! Suicide is the worst thing that can happen to a family! I will not have it made light of"! Edie Britt: Wow, how self absorbed can you be? I have had a thing for Mike since the day he moved in here and I even backed off when he fell for your little mis s adorable act. But he's over that, it's my turn now and I will be better for hi m than you ever were. And if you do get hurt well that's just gravy. Andrew Van De Kamp: She tried to slit her wrists with a spoon. Next time she mig ht jump off the porch. Susan: How do you sleep at night? Edie: Soon... with Mike on top of me [edit] Bang Edie: "Let him work it off. You get a free store stocker for a month." Austin: "A month?! It was a $10 whiskey!" Edie: "Exactly. You weren't even smart enough to steal the good stuff." Nora (dying): "I don't have later, you stupid bitch." Lynette (In her dream, seeing Mary Alice at the last time): "Let me save you." Mary Alice: "You can't." Lynette: "Why not?" Mary Alice: "Sweety, we can't prevent what we can't predict." Lynette: "Isn't there anything I could do?" Mary Alice: "Yes. You can enjoy this beautiful day. We get so few of them." [edit] Sweetheart, I Have to Confess Parker Scavo: How long will daddy be gone? Lynette Scavo: Well that sorta depends on daddy. Porter Scavo: Are you two mad at each other? Lynette Scavo: Yeah, a little, but that's okay. We still love each other very mu ch, but like kids, sometimes grown ups throw tantrums and need a time out. Preston Scavo: Why can't he take a time out in his room? Lynette Scavo: Cause he decided to take it in his pizza place. Parker Scavo: [Being cute, while petting his dog] No fair that sounds fun! Lynette Scavo: Not this pizza place, it's a rat hole. But once your dad comes to his senses and stops being petulant, he'll come home. Porter Scavo: What's petulant? Lynette Scavo: It means childish, stubborn, careless with my money and your futu re's. Preston Scavo: Huh? Lynette Scavo: It's a grown up word, and when daddy comes home, he'll learn a ne w one: grovel! [edit] Children and Art Adventure Scout Girl: [Approaches Gabrielle on the front porch] Hi. What if I to ld you that there was a way to help children, while reading your favorite magazi nes at a reduced price? Would you be interested? Gabrielle: [as she continues to file her nails] Sure. Knock yourself out. Adventure Scout Girl: Wise choice. [Reading from her clipboard] Adventure Scout Girl: For the lady of the house, there's Redbook, Glamour, Vogue...[Pronounces i t "vo gew"] Gabrielle: [Pronouncing it correctly] I believe that's Vogue, Sweetheart. Adventure Scout Girl: Really? Are you sure? Gabrielle: I should know. I was on the front cover. Adventure Scout Girl: [Stunned] No. Way. Gabrielle: Uh, way. [edit] Beautiful Girls [edit] The Miracle Song Mary Alice: "The annual block party was a winter tradition on Wisteria Lane. It was a way for the residents to spread holiday cheer. Everyone was invited, inclu ding Art Shepard, the newest resident of Wisteria Lane. But as the big night dre w near, more than holiday cheer was being spread around. By Sunday evening, most of the gossiping had subsided, and the neighborhood was once again consumed by the spirit of the season. Friends laughed over eggnog, lovers kissed under mistl etoe, and the mood was jolly. That is, until a certain guest made his appearance . Yes, for the residents of Wisteria Lane, it was the most wonderful time of the year. But for Arthur Shepard and his sister, it had turned out to be a very sil ent night." Susan: "You have to kiss me. It's the law." Susan: "I assume this means they know about me?" Ian: "But of course." Susan: "A nd they know about me as in" (in a bad British accent) "Mum, Dad, bloody good ne ws. I've got myself a smashing new girlfriend." Ian: "That's adorable. Please do n't do it in front of them." Susan: "Ian, haven't you ever wondered why I've never cooked for you?" Ian: "I j ust assumed that you were lazy." Susan: "I wish. My cooking is not good." Ian: " Well, my parents won't be expecting a gourmet meal." Susan: "Will they be expect ing stomach cramps, acid reflux, night sweats?" Ian: " Now nothing elaborate. Just a simple roast and, uh, and something appropr iate to go with it." Susan: "Right...like an ambulance." Vern: "Poor thing, she tries so hard." Gabrielle: "Yeah, she's a trooper. Let's dump her." Vern: "How will I tell her family?" Gabrielle: "We'll do it together. We'll be v ery diplomatic." Vern: "Are you sure about this? The poor kid's been through the wringer and " Gabrielle: "Amy! For God sakes, Little Miss Snowflake does not scra tch down there!" Vern: "Well, then again, her mother died a year ago. How long i s she gonna milk it?" Bree: "What are you watching?" Gloria: "Home movies." Bree: "It's fun looking ba ck at the past, isn't it?" Gloria: "Well, it's one way to kill time while you're waiting for death." Bree: "We also have cable." Bree: "It's not that easy. I love him." Gloria: "You'll get over it. I did." Susan: "So I'm cooking dinner for Ian's parents tomorrow night, and it's the fir st time I'm meeting them, so I sort of wanna impress them." Bree: "And yet you'r e cooking?" Susan: "What's going on?" Mrs. McCluskey: "They just arrested Mike for murder." Susan: "What?!" Mrs. McCluskey: "They're saying he killed that woman on the news , that Monique person." Bree: "Oh, thank God!" Vern: "Well, when it comes to performing, she's not exactly...well, she tends to be...feel free to jump in." Gabrielle: "I have no idea where you're going with this." Vern: "Well, as Gaby and I discussed, Amy has certain limitations and her odds of winning are slim." Gabrielle: "Vern! He is so competitive. I constantly have to remind him they're just kids. When did you lose the joy?" Vern: "Oh, I think you know." Edie: "I don't know if you picked up on this, Mike, but...I haven't been happy." Mike: "No, I didn't pick up on it." Edie: "Well, I wanted to tell you this week s ago, and I wish that I had, because now I know you're gonna think that I'm bre aking up with you over this whole blood on the ax thing." Mike: "Wrench." Edie: "Whatever. But believe me, that's not it. It's just...we are moving too fast." M ike: "What are you trying to say?" Edie: "Well, maybe we should just take a brea k. You know, date other people." Mike: "You're telling me this on the day I'm pu t in a men's prison?" Edie: "Well, I said the timing was bad. I am sorry. I, I r eally am. I just can't do this." Susan: "Is Edie getting you a good lawyer?" Mike: "I doubt it. She dumped me tod ay." Susan: "What? Why?" Mike: "Well, I was arrested for murder." Susan: "Still. It's tacky." Ian: "Well, you, uh, you may not be a good cook but you're certainly a tidy one. " Susan: "Don't worry. Dinner's all taken care of. We're having blanquette de ve au and a grand marnier soufflé." Ian: "Well, that's very ambitious of you, and, uh , when will Bree be done making it?" Susan: "Five thirty. But I am rewarming it all by myself." Susan: "What are you saying? You think Mike is guilty?" Lynette: Hey, why don't we start that girl talk?" Gabrielle: "I'll get the ball rolling. Anybody have a yeast infection?" Bree: "They found Monique's blood on the wrench that Mike was trying to dispose of. I mean, that hardly screams innocence." Susan: "Her teeth were pulled. You don't think that's worth telling the cops she was messing aroun d with a dentist?" Susan: "If you're so sure that Orson is innocent, why don't we go through his th ings? Where's his desk?" Bree: "At his office. And what did you think you'd find there anyway?" Susan: "I don't know. A blackmail letter, a necklace made of tee th?" Susan: "Well, I am certainly not playing with a woman that is willing to let Mik e take the fall for her psycho husband." Bree: "Well, needless to say, I won't b e cooking dinner for Ian's parents." Susan: "Fine. I'll cook myself." Bree: "Goo d. Let me know if there are any survivors." Susan: "And if you take Orson back, you do the same." Gert: "Rita, I want the word "pedophile" to really stand out. Do we have any gli tter?" Mrs. McCluskey: "Say "molester." It sounds scarier." Gabrielle: "Well, she's your best friend. Why don't you just tell her the truth? She'll understand." Sherri: "What if she doesn't?" Gabrielle: "Well, friends co me and go, but a crown is forever." Susan: "You know, Mike barely remembers me. What makes you so sure he would fall in love with me again?" Ian: "What a perfectly asinine question. How could he n ot?" Lynette: "Yep. Go ahead, say it. I know you want to." Tom: "This is all your fau lt. You should've listened to me." Lynette: "I know. But be fair. There is no wa y I could've anticipated this." Tom: "You tell people Frankenstein's on the loos e, then you're surprised to see the torch wielding villagers?" Gloria: "Where are you sending me?" Bree: "Oh, we've rented you a condo in a lov ely retirement community. It's our Christmas gift to you." Gloria: "So you're ex iling me? Cutting me off from my new grandchildren?" Bree: "That's our gift to t hem." Art: "Hey. You know, in a weird way...I should thank you. My sister was...a real ly wonderful person. She always saw the best in me. But there were things she co uldn't see...or chose not to, God love her." Lynette: "What do you mean?" Art: " I think you know. See, I always knew that I had to take care of Rebecca, so I co uld never let myself...slip and do something that would hurt her. But now...I'm free...and all because of you." Lynette: "You can't stay here." Art: "Oh, don't worry. I'm already packed." Lynette: "Where are you going?" Art: "Why, you gonna write? Well, good bye, Lynette. You take care of that beautiful family of yours ." Mary Alice: "There's a reason people can't wait for Christmas, and it has little to do with family reunions or curling up with a cup of eggnog or that unexpecte d kiss beneath the mistletoe or receiving a present from that special someone. N o, people look forward to Christmas because they know it's a time for miracles." [edit] No Fits, No Fights, No Feuds [Lynette is giving dinner to the kids, Kayla walks over toward the TV with hers] Lynette Scavo: Kayla, where are you going? Kayla: To watch TV. Lynette Scavo: Oh, sweety we don't watch TV during dinner. Kayla: But my show is on. Lynette Scavo: Well, I'm sorry those are the rules. Kayla: My mommy let me. Lynette Scavo: Just this once. Lynette Scavo: [the twins give Lynette 'What gives?' looks, Parker crosses his a rms] Ok, ok, I know what you're thinking, but Kayla's going through a hard time right now, come and sit down. Letting her watch TV is like me letting you eat ic e cream when you're sick. Porter Scavo: But she's not sick. Lynette Scavo: That's true, but she's sad. Parker Scavo: [cute or funny] I'm sad , I can't watch TV! Lynette Scavo: Eat your tacos. Lynette Scavo: [Kids give each other looks of agreement and get up to go over to the TV] Wow, wow, wow, sit your buts down. Preston Scavo: It's not fair. Lynette Scavo: I don't care, we have rules. Porter Scavo: Well she gets to! Lynette Scavo: She's special, now sit down! Come on. Porter Scavo: Does she get dessert too? Kayla: Of course I do. Lynette Scavo: [Tom pulls up in the van bringing Kayla to live with them] Ok, th ey're here, now listen, [to Parker] Lynette Scavo: stand up. Kayla has been through a lot so when she walks through the door I want you to make her feel welcome, ok, give her a hug and be really n ice. Parker Scavo: I'm giving her my room, how much nicer do I have to be? Lynette Scavo: Well nicer than that or she's gonna get all your toys too! [edit] Not While I'm Around Carlos: "Okay, so if this guy shows up again, what am I supposed to do, exactly? " Gabrielle: "Nothing. Just fucking you helps." Carlos: "Now that's very sweet." Gabrielle: "Because when he breaks in and starts hacking you up with his machete , your screams will wake me up, and then I'll be able to escape." Austin: "That's your advice?" Edie: "Well, I m sorry. I've never been good at getting people not to have sex." Edie: "The responsible thing is to abstain from sex and focus on your studies. T here, I said it out loud just in case anybody asks." Gabrielle: "Wait, wait, wait. First rule of ransacking: remember where everythin g goes." [Takes three pictures with her camera phone.] Susan: "You are gonna make a really good mother someday." (Susan and Gabrielle search for Julie's diary) Susan: "Oh, and when you find it, you have to read it, because I promised her th at I would always respect her privacy. Now help me flip this mattress." Susan (to Edie, about Julie): "Now she's lying and scheming and having casual se x. She's just a boob job away from being you!" [edit] Not While I'm Around [edit] Come Play Wiz Me [Bree has found Alma and a passed out Orson in bed together, along with sleeping pills and Viagra] Bree Van De Kamp: You raped my husband! Alma Hodge: We made l ove. And when our baby is born, he's going to come back to me. Bree Van De Kamp: Baby? Alma Hodge: It's true. I could be expecting right now. Bree Van De Kamp: Were you expecting this? [Bree decks Alma before she calls her house] Bree Van D e Kamp: Andrew, I need you to come over right away. And, um... [pause] Bree Van De Kamp: ...bring the wheelbarrow. Share this quote
Bree: [to Alma] You... RAPED my husband! Bree: [Bree finds Orson and Alma in bed together] Orson, I have caught you cheat ing, at least have the courtesy to WAKE UP! Zack Young: You said I could kiss you! Gabrielle Solis: Yes, my lips not my oeso phagus! Parker Scavo: [Lynette is looking at herself in an outfit, when she notices Park er in the mirror playing with his foam football] What'cha doin'? Lynette Scavo: Oh, deciding what to wear my first day back to work. Do I look fat in this? Park er Scavo: I think you look good in everything! Lynette Scavo: Wow, you father's taught you well. Parker Scavo: What about the street fair? If you're going back to work, who's going to take me? Lynette Scavo: Mrs. McClusky, won't that be fun ? Parker Scavo: No. Do you have to go back to work? Lynette Scavo: Come on, you and your brothers will be thrilled. Me going back to work is not that big a deal , we're only loosing a little time together in the afternoon. Parker Scavo: Ever y hour counts. I miss you all day long. Lynette Scavo: [She hugs him, kisses and rubs him on the head] Aww, honey, geez. Do you really mean that, or are you man ipulating mommy into feeling incredibly guilty? Parker Scavo: A little of both. Lynette Scavo: Yep, your father's taught you well. [He smiles at her]. [edit] I Remember That [edit] The Little Things You Do Together [edit] My Husband, the Pig [edit] Dress Big [edit] Liaisons [edit] God, That's Good Lynette Scavo: [Lynette finds Parker staring into their freezer] Hi buddy, what' cha doing? Parker Scavo: Nothing. Lynette Scavo: You seem a little mopey lately, is everything okay? Parker Scavo: Yeah. Can we go see Mrs. McClusky? Karen McCluskey: [at the hospital] You guys didn't have to come here, no matter what that CAT scan says, I'm breakin' out tomorrow. Lynette Scavo: Well Parker really wanted to come see you. Karen McCluskey: [pats him on the head] Don't tell your brothers, you where alwa ys my favorite. Parker Scavo: [quietly] I saw the man in your freezer. Karen McCluskey: [Smile fades from her face] Lynette could you run down to the s nack bar and get me some green jello? Lynette Scavo: Oh, sure. Karen McCluskey: OK, time for a little grown up talk. [Lynette sees Parker sitting on the bed with Mrs. McClusky talking to him] Karen McCluskey: So can you understand now why I had to do what I did? [he nods] Karen McCluskey: And you know you can never tell anyone, not even you mom? [he nods again) Lynette Scavo: They didn't have jello, so I hope pudding is okay . Karen McCluskey: Ya know, lets give it to Parker, good boy like him deserves a t reat. [he smiles at her] [edit] Gossip Parker Scavo: [Parker sees kids painting 'witch' on Mrs. McCluskey's door] What' s going on? Parker Scavo: [sees it] Hey don't do that! Freddy: Why not? Parker Scavo: Because she's not a witch! Freddy: How do you know? Parker Scavo: Cause she isn't! Don't be a jerk! [the kids start making fun of hi m] Parker Scavo: Shut up! [a kid pushes him down] Karen McCluskey: Hey you boys, knock it off! Karen McClu skey: [puts her arm on Parker's shoulder] Parker I'm sorry. Are you all right? P arker Scavo: [He pulls his shoulder away] Ya know, everything would be okay if y ou told people what you told me. You can make them stop. [he walks off] Karen McCluskey: [Parker rings Mrs. McCluskey's doorbell] Waould ya stop ringing that damn... I'm sorry Parker, I thought you where one of those little pisshead s that keeps ringing the doorbell and running away. What's on your mind? Parker Scavo: I want you to come back and babysit us, the new sitter stinks! Karen McCluskey: Your folks hired a new sitter? Parker Scavo: Yeah, and she thinks carrots are snacks! Karen McCluskey: Well that's rough. But life's like that sometimes. Parker Scavo: It doesn't have to be. If you just told people what happened with your husband, everything could go back to the way it was. Karen McCluskey: Parker, see those women over there. Nothing I could say could s top those tongues from wagging. I'm sorry kid but I just have to wait this one o ut [edit] What Would We Do Without You? [edit] Come Play Wiz Me Susan (to Gabrielle): "Let's not pretend we're above teenagers." Bree's mother in law: "Hello Bree. May I come in?" Bree (watering garden): "What's a garden without a snake" [edit] I Remember That Lynette: "I told you I wanted this floor to sparkle like your Mom's. Now does th is floor look Bree Hodge clean to you?" Andrew: "Uh... no. It looks Andrew Van de Kamp clean. But your disappointment in me is very Bree Hodge." Orson Hodge: Thank you, Mother, for colluding in my rape!... [edit] The Little Things You Do Together Lynette: "Hey, chill out. You're acting like I did when I was six months pregnan t." Tom: "Uh, excuse me. You were hitting people." Lynette: "Only two. And the mailman had the good taste never to bring that up ag ain." Lynette: "What do you mean, it's bar mitzvah season? There's no such thing." Carlos Solis: [after Gaby told Carlos she assumed she had sex with Zach] I can't believe you bagged another neighbourhood kid! Gabrielle Solis: [Carlos walks aw ay] Where are you going? Carlos Solis: To warn the Scavo boys! Danielle Van De Kamp: [shouting to Andrew] I liked you better when you were a ps ychopath! [edit] My Husband, the Pig Tom: "I never thought you'd want a fifth kid." Lynette: "I don't, but I didn't want the first four, and they're starting to gro w on me." Karen McCluskey: "At least your husband tries to be romantic. Every anniversary, Gilbert bought me an appliance. On the last one, he gave me a vacuum cleaner. H e died two weeks later. I didn't cry." [edit] Dress Big Lynette: "Listen to me. I forbid you to die. If you leave me with a mortgage and a restaurant and five kids, I swear I will track you into the deepest pit of he ll and make you pay." Edie (to Carlos, undressing): "Just stop seeing the person that I've been and st art seeing the person I could be. Look at me, not the Edie that I show the world . In fact let's lose her. Forget the blouse that she wears because she knows i t shows off her cleavage. And the skirt that's so short, because she knows that guys love long legs. And the heels, the ones that make her legs look even longer . Forget the bra that holds her breasts a little higher than they are on their o wn these days. And the panties, the ones that hide the scar from my c section. T his is it. Hi, Carlos. I'm Edie. I might not be the woman that you thought I was under all of that but I'm real, and I'm here. And I'm asking for a chance." Mary Alice (voiceover): "Yes, you can learn a lot about women, from what they ch oose to wear. You can learn even more by what they choose to take off, and who t hey take it off for." [edit] Liaisons Lynette: "That's what we pay you and you seem happy enough." Andrew: "That's because I'm doing the beer delivery guy." Lynette: "Ok...My fault for asking." Tom: "Surely you can control five little kids." Karen McCluskey: "Can I beat them?" Tom: "No." Karen McCluskey: "Then my hands are tied." Edie: "You think you were bored? I've had more thrills leaning up against my dry er." Carlos: "Then what was all that moaning?" Edie: "I was in pain! You were smashing my breasts!" Carlos: "Oh, come on!" Edie: "You hunkered down on top of me like you were hiding from the border patro l." Carlos: "I was tired. You just laid there while I did all the work. When we were done, I felt like I should deflate you." Edie: "Well, sex is like tennis. When you play an inferior opponent, your game s uffers." Carlos: "Are you challenging me to a rematch?" [edit] God, That's Good Edie: "I suppose we should tiptoe around like schoolchildren so our parents don' t catch us doing it? I feel like I'm 12 again!" Gabrielle: "I made you waffles! Eat 'em while they're hot." Victor: "Will you marry me?" Gabrielle: "They're just toaster waffles." Russell: "Well, I see you can't close a sale without opening something else." Edie: "Oh, please, I heard about your open house on Holly Drive. They're still d isinfecting the jacuzzi." Susan (to Ian and Mike): "You two want a decision? Well, here's what I decide: T here will be no kissing, and there will be no wedding, and there will be no damn cake!" [edit] Getting Married Today [Susan and Mike are about to get married] Minister: Are we ready? Julie Mayer: Are you kidding? They've been dragging this thing about for three y ears! Stella Wingfield: [Lynette's mother shows up] Geez Lynette, I didn't know you opened a daycare center! Hey kids grandma's here. Stella Wingfield: [they al l look at her strange] Okay, what'd you tell them about me? Lynette Scavo: It's been five years mom, they don't remember you. Stella Wingfield: Well they'll rem ember me this time, I've brought presents. For you. [hands Parker a book]. Stell a Wingfield: And for you and you. [hands the twins books].
Parker Scavo: These are baby toys. We're too old to play with the se.
Stella Wingfield: Well I'm too old to remember what the hell six year olds like to play with.
Porter Scavo: We're eight.
Stella Wingfield: What do I care? Lynette Scavo: Just say thank you. [kids say ' thank you']. Stella Wingfield: [pointing to Kayla, talking to Parker] Who's the pretty thing? Your girlfriend?
Parker Scavo: [looks disgusted] No! She's my sister!
Stella Wingfield: [to Lynette] Oh, is that Toms little B a s t a...
Tom Scavo: Ok kids, time to get your toys and let 's play upstairs [edit] Season Four [edit] Now You Know Mary Alice's Opening Narration_ "The first thing you should know is that Edie Br itt never actually intended to die. But someone she loved was trying to leave he r. So she planned every detail, from the silk scarf she'd hang by to the suicide note detailing her despair. Now all Edie had to do was wait for her beloved to come home. You see, to hold on to her man Edie knew she had to find the perfect moment to let go. Sadly for Edie her timing was fatally flawed. And this is now Carlos Solis arrived just in the nick of time to save the life of Edie. Of cours e had he known what she was about to do to his life he would have let her hang t here. There is a certain time of night when children have been put to bed and hu sbands have begun snoring, that women lie awake and think of the secrets they ve b een keeping from their friends. It might be an impromptu wedding... or a recentl y diagnosed tumor... or a make believe pregnancy. Regardless, it s all they will t hink of until something comes along to remind them that other people have secret s too". Mary Alice's Narration Closing "There is a certain time of morning. It occurs a fter kids have left for school. And husbands have headed off for work. It s a time when women think of the secrets they ve been keeping from their friends. And how shocked they would be if the truth were discovered. And how they would do everyt hing in their power to keep that from happening. But what of those lucky women w ho have no secrets left to keep. What do they think about every morning? These w omen think of their neighbors and the secrets they may be keeping". Bree: Look, this family's reputation is already hanging by a thread. I mean firs t people thought that your stepfather was a wife killer, then your sister takes off with her history teacher, and now we're supposed to parade the little bastar d up and down the street. I mean we might as well sit on the porch and play banj os! [edit] Smiles of a Summer Night [edit] The Game Dylan: fighting with Katherine I'm starting to think you are the monster! ( Kat herine slaps her) Susan Mayer: When our babies go to college, we'll be like... Bree Van De Kamp: Dead? Lynette: who is high I'm a ninja! [edit] If There's Anything I Can't Stand [edit] Art Isn t Easy Danielle to Bree: A baby is God s most precious gift. I will not have mine raised b y a cold emotionally unavailable woman like you. Danielle to Bree: You're always mean to me just like you were to dad. You emascul ated him. Well, you re not gonna emasculate me. Bree to Orson hinting at her former mother in law Phyllis: Emotionally unavailabl e. Gosh, I wonder where she picked up that little phrase. Bree: You don t even know what that means, you petulant sockpuppet" [edit] Now I Know, Don't Be Scared Bree: "Not on the couch! I just had it reupholstered" Orson: "Andrew take your sister into the kitchen. Get some towels, boil some wat er. Everything is gonna be fine! I'm a doctor." Bree: "You're a dentist! What if there are complications?" Orson: "Should an emergency arise we'll simply call an amulet." Bree: "A what?" Orson: "Ambulance." Bree: "How many rum punches did you have?" Orson: "There was punch in that rum?" ad feedbackParker Scavo: MOM! We're gonna bake you a cake when the doctor says y our cancer's gone. Lynette Scavo: Great! Grab this. [hands him a sack of rodent poison] Parker Scavo: What's this stuff for? Lynette Scavo: You know that possum that's been ruining our garden? Parker Scavo: [Happily] Yeah, me and Preston named him Scruffles! Lynette Scavo: Don't give him a name, he's not gonna be around much longer. Parker Scavo: [concerned] You're not gonna hurt him are you? Lynette Scavo: Honey, I put up a fence and he burrowed right under it. The man a t the garden center said these are crafty creatures and there's only one way to stop 'em. Parker Scavo: So you're gonna kill him? Lynette Scavo: Sweaty let me ask you something. If you had to choose between mom my's beautiful garden and a gross, mean, dirty possum, what would you pick? Parker Scavo: Scruffles! Lynette Scavo: Ok, we're done talkin' here. [she grabs the bags from him, leavin g him looking a little upset] Tom Scavo: Ok, now you're scaring me. Lynette Scavo: Why? Tom Scavo: Look at you rself. You've declared jihad on a possum. Lynette Scavo: This is not a joke, Tom . Something has attacked our home and, when that happens, you don't just stand b y. You fight it! Screw this creature that has come into our lives uninvited and is trying to destroy us! It will not defeat me! Tom Scavo: OK. You do what you n eed to do. Lynette Scavo: Thank you. [edit] Something's Coming Gabrielle: "Can I say something?" Edie: "What?" Gabrielle: "I'm sorry Carlos and I lied to you. I know we hurt you. And I wish i t didn't happen the way it did. And I just wanted you to know that." Edie: "Why are you talking like that?" Gabrielle: "Well, I thought just in case we..." Edie: "Oh, no you don't! You just shut the hell up. I'm not doing death bed conf essions here. When we get through this, I'm gonna go on hating you for years to come." Gabrielle: "Do you really hate me?" Edie: "Yes!" (then realizes what has happened) "No. It's just that I really let myself fall for him, which was stupid because I always knew that he'd go back to you." (Gabrielle and Edie hear a bang and hug each other tightly) Gabrielle: "Well, I'm still sorry, though." Edie (calmly and gently): "I said shut the hell up." Carlos: "Do you mind if I say something?" Victor: "Please." Carlos: "Gaby and I never planned to get back together, Victor. We tried to keep away from each other. We really did. And...I don't know, it's like we're two ha lves of the same person or something. And when we're apart, we...we just aren't happy, which is why we... We never set out to hurt you, Victor. And I'm sorry we did." Victor: "Are you done?" Carlos: "Yeah." [edit] Welcome to Kanagawa Milton: "You're not getting a dime. Victor showed me the photographs of you and your ex husband. You broke his heart. You humiliated him. So you'll inherit exac tly what you deserve: nothing." Gabrielle: "OK. I made a mistake. I'm sorry. But Victor wasn't entirely blameles s. He ignored me. He used me politically. Oh, yeah, and he tried to kill Carlos. So I think I'm entitled to whatever he had.". :Milton: "Ah, there's the thing. Y ou married a man from a very rich family, the operative word being family. Every thing is in my name. Always was. The service is starting. And it's time for you to go.". Gabrielle: "Go? You can't kick me out of my husband's funeral!" Milton: "I think it's appropriate, given the circumstances." Gabrielle: "Go to hell.". Milton: "I'll be delivering the eulogy. If you're still in this funeral when I r each the public, I am going to be telling all of these people that you are a che ating, lying whore. You see? I told you it was going to be an emotional day.". K atherine: "What are you still doing here? I thought you found a motel room". Adam: "I did, but I wanted to set something straight before I go. I'm not leavin g before you want me to, I'm leaving because I'm walking out on you". Katherine: "Oh, is that how we're gonna play this? Fine, whatever, you're leaving me". Ada m: "I am, and here's why. You blamed what happened on your ex husband, and I bel ieved you. You told me it was all his fault, and then I find out it was yours. W e are about even in the betrayal department now. In fact, I think you win". Lyne tte: "Damnnit, Karen, I'm running out of Ida! [edit] Sunday Bree: Don't you dare try to turn our son into an intellectual! hello little girl Carlos Solis: It's good for a dog to sleep with its master. It helps us bond. Ga brielle Solis: Well if you ever want to bond with my boobs again, you'll get her off. Mike Delfino: [to Orson] Are you the guy that ran me over? [edit] Opening Doors Gabrielle: "Here's the thing. I thought you were a hooker, so I had Lee proposit ion you so I could catch you in the act. But guess what? You passed the test! Ev erybody inside for margaritas!" ad feedbackEllie Leonard: Hi, I'm Ellie. I understand you've got a room to rent. Gabrielle Lang: Yeah, come on in. Share this quote
Carlos Solis: [to Gaby about Ellie] So we have two tramps living in our house. Share this quote Gabrielle Lang: [to Carlos about Ellie] Okay, there may be two tramps in this ho use, but only one of them is getting paid.
Gabrielle Lang: [about Ellie] There have been men coming out of her room at all hours of the night. And I saw her counting a wad of cash.
Edie Britt: Tell me anyway. Just in case you're not saying I'm a big slut. Bree Hodge: Oh, come on, Edie. Carlos, Mike, Karl. You do have a way at picking at ot her women's leftovers. [edit] Mother Said Susan: "We're not inviting you to poker, we're not talking to you, we're not eve n gonna wave when you jog by. From now on, you are invisible" (Talking to Edie) [edit] The Gun Song Lynette: I'm in jail cause of Kalya, your daughter Tom! Mike Delfino: You're doing great honey, just keep breathing. How close are the c ontractions? Susan: A few weeks apart... wanna go to the movies? Mike Delfino: W hat? Susan: I'm not in labour, ok? Mike Delfino: But y your water broke. I saw i t! Susan: It was club soda. Amniotic fluid doesn't have ice cubes and a lemon we dge. [the kids sneak into Lynette's room while she's asleep] Parker Scavo, Preston Sc avo, Porter Scavo: Happy Mother's Day! Lynette Scavo: Oh my gosh, that is so swe et, thank you. [Porter gives her a breafast in bed tray with breakfast on it] Pa rker Scavo: We're gonna go get your present. Porter Scavo: I hope you like turtl es! Lynette: Kayla, I'm really sorry about the way things turned out. Kayla Hunt ington: No, you aren't. Lynette: Okay! I'm not. Bree: Don't you dare throw your calligraphy skills in my face when you know I'm at a low point!
Parker Scavo: Since when do you make waffles? Lynette: Well Kayla loves waffles, and since she and I have been having some problems lately, I'm doing something nice for her. [edit] Free Katherine (telling her story to Bree and Wayne) "After you left a months pass I conviced myself you forgot about us, I was wrong" 1996 Katherine to Mary Alice "How was Dylan did she behave herself"? 1996 Mary Alice "She was an angel I hope I did not do something wrong" 1996 Katherine "What do you mean"? 1996 Mary Alice "Well your ex husband was here early, but I did not know that w as him until Dylan called him daddy" 1996 Mary Alice 'I'm sorry I should call you, but she was so exicted He brought her an doll and bike" 1996 Mary Alice after Katherine and Aunt Lily run in to the Katherine what goin g on?! Katherine (voice over) "I was going to run again, but you did not give me enoug ht time". Lillian Simms "Wanye just drove up should we call the police" Kathrine (camly) "No let him in" Kathrine (voiceover) "I knew it was time to face you and let you know you were not welcome in my home nethier were your gifts" Wayne Davis "You Know much I mu ch money I spend looking for you" Katheine: in a sarcastic mood "I'm sure you has enough to buy liquor by the cas eload" Wanye Davis "Wow look who gotten sassier while she been away I think I think I l ike it" Katherine "What do you want Wanye"? Wanye Davis "I want my daughter back" Katherine "Why? So you lazed in your old age. Need sombody smaller to pounce on . Well now she gotten older and sassier. I'm sure you find all sources of reason s to hit her" Wanye Davis "I don't to have to ask you know I can go up if I want" Katheine "SHE IS ASLEEP GET THE HELL OUT"! Wanye Davis "I'M HER FATHER"! Katherine: picks up an candlestick and hits him "NO!" Wanye Davis "I'm bleeding" Katherine: Sarcastic and with Hate in her voice "Profusely, you should go see a doctor" Wanye Davis "I will be back for my daughter." Katherine: camly and sternly to her ex husband "Just understand this there is n othing I will not do to keep you away from her. Nothing" Lillian Simms "Are you alright I heard an crash?" Katherine "Yeah, I hit him with the candlestick. He went down pretty hard" Lillian Simms "You know now to break out the 10 year stoch I have been saving" Katherine (voiceover) "I honestly though it was finally over.I did not know how I could been so wrong" Lillian Simms: screams and wake up Katherine "KATHERINE! I came in to giver her an another blanket. Her hand is ice cold" (Katherine sees her daughter lifeless hand and screams) Kathrine (voiceover) "Aunt Lily told me I could not go the police the police. S he said you would make it seem I killed Dylan to keep you from taking her So I l et her bury my baby in the woods. I knew I would have to run away again, but I a lso knew you would never stop looking for me. So I came with an plan I found an girl in a Romanian orphanage just like Dylan.The resemblance was uncanny. Her mo ther had die in childbirth and her father had been murder. As I look into those big blue eyes she need me much as I need her". Katherine(picking the carpent and touching the scar) "I never told anybody tha t before. I lied to Adam and told it was your fault and that were I spend the la st 12 years. Just telling one lie after an another" Carlos: has recently become blind] "I'm going to read some porn". [he sighs] Car los: "In Braille". [edit] Season 5 [edit] You're Gonna Love Tomorrow Edie Britt: Mrs. McCluskey, you're still alive! Karen McCluskey: It's nice to se e you too, Edie. How long has it been? Five years? Edie Britt: This is my husband, Dave Williams. Karen McCluskey: [to Dave] So, how did you two meet? You run a free clinic or so mething? Dave: I'm sorry, who are you? Karen McCluskey: Karen McCluskey, Edie's best friend on the street. Mary Alice Young: [voice over] It goes by so quickly. In a flash, the life we kn ew is gone forever and we're left to ask ourselves: How could he have left me? W hen did my beauty start to fade? Why has my friend changed? Was I the best mothe r I could have been? Of course, there are some people who understand how quickly time passes. That's why they're so determined to get what they want... before i t's too late. Mary Alice Young: [voice over] It will happen to all of us eventually. The momen t will come when we ask ourselves: Where did the time go? How did the children I once cradled grow up so very quickly? How did the life I dreamt of turn into a career I never expected? And how did that woman I saw each day in the mirror bec ome someone I don't even recognize? [edit] We're So Happy You're So Happy [Porter finds out he's been flirting with his mother online, when she signs a 'D ear John' letter to him 'Love Mom'] [He comes down to where she is at her comput er, he has a very sad and betrayed look on his face, and he places a book of poe try in front of her and walks away, leaving her looking ashamed] Lynette Scavo: [Porter is sitting at the table eating a sandwich] Hi, mind if I join you? [he i gnores her] Lynette Scavo: OK, I know what I did was unforgivable and I am not t rying to make excuses, but we used to talk all the time, and then one day it jus t stopped, and it killed me. I felt like I lost you and then I was Sarah J and I had you back and we where talking again and you where telling me things. Porter Scavo: [Mad at her] I wasn't telling you anything, I was telling her. Lynette S cavo: [Porter looks sad] Well, for what it's worth, I loved our conversations an d I'm going to miss them. [She walks off] Porter Scavo: [Whispers] Me too. [Porter is listening to music on his headphones, when Lynette walks into his roo m, he removes them] Lynette Scavo: Hey, got a sec? Porter Scavo: Not really. Lyn ette Scavo: So, I assume you know what happened to Jimmy Kimrado? Porter Scavo: I guess. Lynette Scavo: Your friend gets busted for dealing drugs at school and all you have to say is 'I guess'? Porter Scavo: He's not my friend. [implying that he doesn't associate with people who sell drugs] Lynette Scavo: W hat are you talking about, you where on the same little league team? Porter Scavo: Yeah, a million years ago, anything else? Lynette Scavo: No, not really.Tom Scavo: [Lynette is sitting at her computer] Wh at're you doing? Lynette Scavo: I'm just talking to Porter on Silverfizz. Tom Scavo: Who is Sarah J from MacArthur High School? Lynette Scavo: Me! I'm sixteen, cute, I like graphic novels and Tokyo Police Clu b. Tom Scavo: Oh my God! You're pretending to be somebody else! Lynette Scavo: Our brooding son has a classmate who got arrested for selling dru gs, I really think the ends justify the means. Tom Scavo: We'll address you major ethical breach in a moment. What did you find out? Lynette Scavo: The good news is he really doesn't hang out with that guy, but I am a little worried about 'Anita47' who told him cherry fruit pops are an aphord esiac. Tom Scavo: OK, you got what you came for, you know who he hangs around with, now time to stop. Lynette Scavo: You're probably right, it's just, did you know Porter writes poet ry? Tom Scavo: Seriously? Lynette Scavo: Yeah, our Porter, the kid who communicates with grunts and shrugs , writes this beautiful, heartwrenching poetry. [edit] Kids Ain't Like Everybody Else [ DanielleTo Bree about Benjamin] You gave him meat and told him to lie?!! Gabrielle Solis: Are you saying Juanita is fat for her age? Susan Meyer: Gaby, J uanita is fat for your age. Gabrielle Solis: Look at my life, Susan. I've been beaten down. Susan Meyer: Wel l, I thought I had you beaten today and the next thing I knew, I was eating gras s. Gabrielle Solis: Today doesn't count. Today I was mad. Susan Meyer: Maybe you need to get mad more often. Gabrielle Solis: [to Andrew] I took the car to the mechanic's who told me the ra diator's shot. Andrew Van De Kamp: Oh, that, yeah. It's been giving me trouble f or years. Just use the jar. Gabrielle Solis: What jar? Andrew Van De Kamp: It's in the truck. You just keep it full of water and when the radiator reheats, you fill it up. Oh, and try not going uphills and stay in the shade as much as possi ble. Gabrielle Solis: I can't drive around avoiding gravity and the sun! Gabrielle Solis: [to Susan] You attacked my child and then me. Why should I even listen to you? Susan Meyer: I brought booze. Gabrielle Solis: Come on in. Dave Williams: [to Lynette] You know what a midlife crisis is? Lynette Scavo: I'm married to a 45 year old man who has a red convertible. Yeah, I think I know. [edit] Back in Business Carlos Solis: Why don't we just tell her the truth? Gabrielle Solis: What? Mommy rides Daddy like a mechanical bull for jewelry. Celia Solis: Sperm! Gabrielle Solis: Juanita, stop talking to your sister [edit] Mirror, Mirror Karen McCluskey: [to Dave] Stop screwing with me! Karen McCluskey: You planned this whole thing. The party... breaking into my hou se... my reaction. You're trying to get rid of me. Dave Williams: Yes... and I'm sorry it had to be you. Karen McCluskey: 'Cause I know you're up to something. Something awful. Dave Williams: You don't know what "awful" is. Well... you take care of yourself Karen. I mean that. [edit] There's Always a Woman Orson Hodge: They got him for organ trafficking. Bree Hodge: What? Katherine Mayfair: I tell you if I'm not careful this guy could steal my heart. Bree Hodge: Well if he tries you let me know. [edit] What More Do I Need? [edit] City on Fire [edit] Me and My Town Carlos Solis: Did I ever tell you when I knew I was going to marry you? Gabriell e Solis: First time you saw me on the runway. Carlos Solis: Nooo. That's when I knew I was gonna sleep with you. [chuckles] Carlos Solis: Nah, I knew I was goin g to marry you the night we went to that restaurant on 3rd Street. Gabrielle Sol is: Mmm. I remember that place. Carlos Solis: Mm hmm. You wore a white linen sun dress and [chuckles] Carlos Solis: you ordered this giant plate of ribs. And you ate them with such gusto up to your elbows in barbecue sauce, meat hanging fr om your teeth and grease in your hair and when it was all over, I pointed out what a mess you were. You pulled out your mirror, took a look at yourself, and j ust let out this huge, happy, totally unrestrained laugh. The room completely fi lled with it, and I thought to myself now *that* is a sound I'd like to hear the rest of my life. That's why I proposed to you. And it had nothing to do with yo ur looks. Gabrielle Solis: You know when I decided I wanted to be with you forev er? Carlos Solis: No. When? Gabrielle Solis: About two seconds ago. [kisses Carl os] Gabrielle Solis: Up until then, it was pretty touch and go. Susan Mayer: [sp its out cookie] I hate macadamia nuts. You think they're white chocolate chips u ntil it's too late. Stupid Hawaii. [edit] A Vision's Just a Vision [Lynette decides to have a family breakfast] Lynette Scavo: So, Parker how's that science project you've been working on? [Co ps ring the door bell and arrest Porter] Parker Scavo: Guess we're done talking about my science project, huh? Lynette Scavo: Yes, sweety we are. [edit] Home is the Place Susan: I need a man in my life! Lee McDermott: Why? We're so useless. Susan: I need a man in my life! Bob Hunter: Why? We're so useless [edit] Connect! Connect! [edit] The Best Thing That Ever Could Have Happened [edit] Mama Spent Money When She Had None [edit] In a World Where the Kings are Employers Porter Scavo: Ooh, Dad called a family meeting. Parker Scavo: Yeah, mom he said it's about the restaurant. Lynette Scavo: Oh boy, I think I know what this is about. Things have been tough down at the restaurant and I think your dad has finally decided to sell it. ParkerScavo:Wow! Preston Scavo: Is he gonna be okay? Lynette Scavo: I don't know, that's why we all have to be really supportive, and you with me? [all nod] Tom Scavo: Hey guys, good, you're all here. Penny Scavo: I love you daddy! Lynette Scavo: Not yet. Tom Scavo: I wanted to talk to you all about our pizzeria. Lynette Scavo: Just know that we're 100% behind you. Tom Scavo: That means a lot because this was a really rough day for me. I had to let all our employees go. So starting tomorrow, you kids are my new wait staff! Lynette Scavo: Tom, what the hell are you talking about? Tom Scavo: You and I'll handle the days and the kids'll join us after school and on the weekends. Parker Scavo: At the risk of sounding spoiled, a noo. Tom Scavo: Come on, we'll love working together, Porter Scavo: Why? We don't even like living together. Preston Scavo: You're not even going to pay us? Penny Scavo: I'm nine, is that even legal? Tom Scavo: I think so, but just to be sure, you're fifteen, happy birthday! Parker Scavo: Mom, please do something" Tom: Your said that you were behind me 1 00%. Lynette: Really? That does not sound like me" Porter: Just so you know, 30 years from now when you and Dad old and feeble... Lynette: You're putting us in the cheapest nursing home you can find. Yeah, I go t it. [the twins decide to take a break as soon as a group of teenagers come in] Lynet te Scavo: What's going on here? Preston Scavo: Those kids go to our school. Porter Scavo: And you know who that big guy is? Kevin McDurmot, the guy called m e 'Jesus' for a year cause I wore sandals for one day! If he sees me wearing thi s, I'll never hear the end of it. Tom Scavo: Fine, don't wear the apron. Porter Scavo: No. I'm not gonna wait on a kid who's gonna make fun of me on Mond ay morning. It's humiliating enough having to work here. [Tom has a tantrum and slams Porter against the wall, and Lynette breaks it up] Parker Scavo: [looking shocked] Guys, I just sat a twelve top, who's taking it? Tom Scavo: I will. [they all look shocked] Orson: You're saying I'm worthless. Bree: No, I'm just sayin you're worth less [edit] Crime Doesn't Pay [edit] The Story of Lucie and Jessie Gabrielle Solis: Susan, if you're not sure what Jessie ment by it, why don't you just talk to her? Susan Mayer: Oh, that would be way to awkward. She's my boss. Lynette Scavo: She's your boss? Let her kiss you again and then sue her! Gabrielle Solis: Okay, we're going to figure this out for you. Were her eyes ope n or shut? Susan Mayer: I don't know. Gabrielle Solis: Well, how many seconds did the kiss last? Susan Mayer: I don't remember. Gabrielle Solis: [frustrated] Oh, for God's sake, was it this? [Gabrielle quickly smooches Susan on her lips] Gabrielle Solis: Or was it this? [Gabrielle kisses Susan passionately for about three seconds] Susan Mayer: Uh... the second one. Lynette Scavo: Congratulations. You're now dating a lesbian. Lee McDermott: [snickers] See you at the parade. [edit] A Spark. To Pierce the Dark Karl[to Susan Mayer] "You know, this is typical Susan behavior! And you wonder why no man can stay with you"! [edit] Look Into Their Eyes and See What They Know Susan Mayer: [to a dying Edie] Don't worry Edie, you're gonna be just fine. Gabrielle Solis: Ladies, start your blenders. Edie Britt: [Last Lines] As I looked down on the world, I began to let go of it. I let go of white picket fences, and cars in driveways, coffee cups and vacuum cleaners. I let go of all those things that seemed so ordinary, but when you put them together they make up a life, a life that really was one of a kind. I'll t ell you something, it's not hard to die when you know you have lived. And I did. Oh, how I lived [edit] Rose's Turn [edit] Bargaining [edit] Marry Me a Little Immigration Man: "Jackson Braddock?" Jackson: "Yes?" Immigration Man: "We're with immigration. You're in the country on an expired vi sa. You're gonna have to come with us." Susan: "Oh, no, no, no, no. Y you can't take him now!" Immigration Man: "Ma'am, not now. I need you to step back." Jackson: "Susan, there's a business card on the dresser with an attorney's numbe r. Could you call him for me, please?" Susan: "Please, can't this wait? We're about to get married!" Immigration Man: "Not today, you're not." Mike: "What's goin' on? Who are these guys?" Katherine: "Uh, immigration agents, and I think they're...sending Jackson back t o Canada!" Bree: Orson, we've been robbed! Orson Hodge: It wasn't me, I swear [edit] Everybody Says Don't [edit] If It's Only In Your Head [Tom gets into college] Parker Scavo: I can help you study if you want. Tom Scav o: I'm not sure how much help you're gonna be. I'm majoring in Chinese. Preston Scavo: I know how to say "Take me to a strip bar" in Mandarin. Lynette Scavo: I' m so proud. Porter aren't you gonna congratulate your father. Porter Scavo: Congratulations on ruining my life. If you see me on campus you're not allowed to talk to me. [Gaby wonders how Ana got the house clean so fast and then the Scavo twins come down the stairs] Porter Scavo: We finished upstairs Ana! Preston Scavo: Anything else you need done? Ana Solis: They wanted to hang out but I had chores to do, so they insisted on h elping me. Aren't they sweet! Parker Scavo: [Comes in with a brush and cleaning gloves] Hey, um, I'm not bragg ing, and I don't recommend it, but you could so eat out of your downstairs toile t. Gabrielle Solis: Ok boys thanks for your hard work but maybe it's time to go hom e and take a shower. Preferably a cold one. Ana Solis: Bye Preston! Porter Scavo: I'm Porter. Preston Scavo: I'm Preston. Parker Scavo: Oh, you can call me whatever you want! [edit] Season 6 [edit] Nice is Different Than Good [edit] Being Alive [edit] Never Judge a Lady By Her Lover [edit] The God Why Don't You Love Me Blues [edit] Everybody Ought to Have a Maid Kathrine: Well, if you two are so happy, then where did he just disappear to? Susan (exclaims in exasperation): He's snaking a lady's drain, okay? Everbody look strangly at her Susan: And, yes, I realise how that sounded. Get your minds put of the gutter. Susan just shot Kathrine. Kathrine (exclaims angrily): Your going to jail for this. Everyone heard you..Ow , Threaten me at that meeting. I have witnesses. Susan: Oh, please, if I were gonna kill you, I wouldn't do it in my own front ya rd.I'd sneak into your house and shoot you while you were aslepp. Bree gives her a dirty look at her Susan: Not that I would ever do that. Bree look given out. [edit] Don't Walk on the Grass [edit] Careful the Things You Say [edit] The Coffee Cup Mike Delfino: [to Susan when he comes home to discover that she wants to have se x with him for the 4th time that day] Oh, God... Susan, I can't. I got nothin' l eft! I hit my hand with a wrench today, and when I cried, only dust came out! [edit] Would I Think of Suicide? [edit] Boom Crunch Karl [to Orson Hodge] I am proposing to Bree today with an airplane banner! And trust me, that will be the highlight of your day! [edit] If Patrick Scavo "When I was born the doctors told my parents I would not live thro ught the night then the week,what I'm trying to say I really piss my doctors off " [edit] You Gotta Get a Gimmick [edit] How About a Friendly Shrink? [edit] The Glamorous Life [edit] Lovely Hodge: What you doing? Robin Gallagher: Making you my screensaver. Bree Hodge: O h that's sweet. Robin Gallagher: You're replacing my cat, he's eating noodles. Susan Mayer: Oh don't cry, why you crying? Strippers are supposed to be tough. R obin Gallagher: Stop calling me that. Yes, I was a stripper. But you know what? You were the only person who never treated me like one, until now. Susan Mayer: Oh. Robin Gallagher: And I'm really sorry if I crossed the line with Mike. You k now I guess after working nine years in the club I just don't know where the lin e is anymore [edit] The Chase [edit] Chromolume No. 7 Heidi Klum: [to Gabrielle] Screw you, screw your friend and screw Fairview! [edit] My Two Yong Men Katherine To Robin]: "Just because I enjoy having sex with you doesn't make me a lesbian"!! Iris Beckley: [Both sitting down in Iris's living room, having coffee] I'm sorry I couldn't get an address or anything. Patrick Logan: You got me everything I needed. Iris Beckley: Good. So... then I guess...? Patrick Logan: Ah! Of course. [hands her an envelope full of money] Iris Beckley: I know you've been looking for Angie for a long time but there's n ot gonna be any trouble, right? Patrick Logan: Trouble? Iris Beckley: Well, you're not gonna like, hurt her or a nything? Patrick Logan: She took something of mine. I want it back. Iris Beckley: Okay. It's just I like Rose and I don't ever want to hear that som ething bad happened to her kid. Patrick Logan: You should get that money to the bank. This place doesn't seem ve ry safe to me. Iris Beckley: What are you talking about? Look at all those locks. Patrick Logan: Yeah, but what if someone were to come up this fire escape? Iris Beckley: Oh, that window is always locked. Patrick Logan: You think that's gonna stop them? [Opens the window and wraps his scarf around his hand, leans through and punches the other window] Iris Beckley: [Startled] What are you doing? Patrick Logan: They reach through, unlock the window, [he tightens the scarf in his hands straight across] Patrick Logan: and now you're in trouble. [edit] We All Deserve to Die [edit] Epiphany Mary Alice's closing narrtive Monsters creat other monsters [edit] A Little Night Music [edit] The Ballad of Booth [edit] I Guess This is Goodbye Danny "If I am, it's because you were my father." [edit] Season 7 [edit] Remember Paul? Renne Perry to Lynette "It's just hard for me to reconcile this suburban housew ife with the girl who had a threesome with two of the guys from the rugby team". [edit] You Must Meet My Wife Bree:explaning her bad luck with love "My marriage ended six days ago, Keith is 15 years too young for me and my track record with lovers...two dead, one in a wheelchair". [edit] Truly Content Renee So we both need guys, I'm thinking we should hang. Renee Well, a beautiful, classy woman who can get a man without leaving the hou se...I don't see us being friends. Renee to Bree "We gotta get back in the game. Cut loose. Let our hair down. Tha t hair does come down, doesn't it?" [edit] Exicted and Scared Tom "You woke me to bitch about my mother at 4 a.m.,You could did during busine ss hours" Susan to Paul "But guess what," he benefit of the doubt is over" Susan "You know what, I'm glad I didn't let Mike do this because I'm really enj oying it." Grace "I've never had such a pretty costume before,You're the best mum ever." Bree: explaning to Keith she not perfect. "Nine years ago my son found me face down, drunk,He had to turn the sprinklers on to wake me up. Did you not know you 're dating the biggest lush in Fairview?" Bree to Keith "Do you think you can dealing with a control freak with a drinkin g problem?" Carlos "We have to protect our daughter," Gaby "They're both our daughters." Tom "There's nothing wrong with my mother, So just drop it." [edit] A Humiliating Business [edit] Sorry Grateful Susan " You have the kids table in your driveway" Renee " The police made me move it off the street" Lynette: turns off the football game Preston and Porter who had been watching it " Boys watch the game upstairs while I have little chat with susan" Porter " when did Susan get here" Preston " Beats Me"