©To ! a %Mm Malt Holes Take on Duke in SUC Debut
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Carolina blues Mr. Mousse Expect one devil of a Anticipating a quick end storm Saturday. It will be to his basketball career gone by Sunday, along in March, Steve Hale is with our number one planning to open a hair- ranking. Sunny in Dur ©to !a% Mm Malt styling salon on Franklin ham on Monday. Street. See page 4. Fooling the students and the University community since 1893 Volume 1, Issue 1 Friday, January 17, 1986 Chapel Hill, North Carolina Holes take on Duke in SUC debut By ROBERT E. LEE to pay for Warren Martin's sex change — an the state of Idaho, Spons editor- unquestioned success - and Dick Cruni's per Another outstanding feature of the SUC are the sonality transplant, which was deemed futile Having "officially" closed Carmichael Arrogant 32 electronic scoreboards located conveniently midway through surgery. around the auditorium, in keeping with tradition, Auditorium for the second time, the Tar Holes Although some say the SUC is a misnomer every fan will be asked to keep his or her own begin a new era Saturday when the 94.500-seat since it is only a glorified yym. Smith enpresses cardboard scoreboard, much like the useless Student University Center (SUC) may or may not satisfaction with it. "1 like a good SUC as much board placed in the corner of Carmichael's floor. as the next guy," Smith cleverly whined. "Ser "I'm the first to admit our players aren't that Originally scheduled to open in September iously, 1 don't think $200 million is too much to intelligent," Smith said. "After all, they're largely 1971, SUC construction has met with lengthy spend for a building that will be used 15 or 20 the products of inbreeding. So we want to make delays on at least 25 occasions. All problems have times a year. Besides, mj office is there and I'll sure that there's no doubt in anyone's mind what been overcome, said University architect Cale be there every day watching dirty movies, uhh, the score is." Yarborough. and the roof should not cave in when 1 mean game films." Although some may be taken aback by the the not-long-to-be-top-ranked Holes host Duke in The always effervescent, witty and outspoken bizarre octagonal shape of the SUC, there is good an Atlantic Coast Conference matchup. Carolina ballplayers admit they are looking for reason for the design. "Dean's nasally squeals "Shoot," said Yarborough. pausing to bite off ward to opening the new structure. were darn near impossible to understand in Car- a plug of Red Man, "we don't have any problems. "We'll play with the same utter lack of emotion niiehael," said Paul Shaffer, acoustic coordinator. We hired the best damn construction crew out as always," said Brad "Candy Man" Daugherty. "We've arranged things so that his voice will be of Fuquay-Varina, and those old boys know what "The band will play our rousing fight song 70 or lowered several octaves. Now, he'll have the deep they're doing. As long as it don't rain or a strong 80 times, the students and alumni will sit on their resonance of Pee-Wee Herman, certainly a vast gust of wind don't hit like it did on Monday, the hands, coach Smith will bitch on every call. It'll improvement." glue and scotch tape should hold the roof in be just tike Carmichael, only bigger. So. sure, Although everything else is typically peachy, we're glad to be moving to the SUC." there will be one minor inconvenience at the SUC. The SUC was built at a cost of $200 million, Longtime Carolina fans will immediately notice No bathrooms. two-thirds of which went straight into the pockets a change on the SUC playing surface. Instead of "We simply forgot. But there's no need to of basketball coach Dean Smith and his powder a baby-blue map of the state of North Carolina worry," Yarborough said. "We'll have ample Construction workers, aided by the National Guard, rush to rebuild the Student Univer blue-clad team of undeveloped high school All- at midcourt, there will be a multi-colored artist's outhouse facilities. Of course, we all realize the Americas. Most of the remaining funds were used rendering of" Smith's nose, n average Carolina fan is full of . ." sity Center after it was reduced to rubble by a mild gust of wind Monday. This, boys, is a football University acts on admissions reform By ARNIE HICKERT Until then, the administration plans to spend Citing low student SAT scores and a national $2.3 million in scholarship money to lure students perception that the school is a breeding ground from prestigious universities outside the state, for "dumb hicks," the UNC Board of Governors including the University of South Jersey and reversed a 150-year-old policy requiring 97 per North Dakota Technical Institute. cent of UNC sludems to come from within North UNC President Joe Friday said he supported Carolina. the Board's move completely. "Gaddangit, this A resolution passed by the Board will require ' state needs a publii. insiihilion i!i;:i provides a real in-state students to score at least 800 on their education for these kids. Right now the closest SATs, complete an intricate "connect the dots" thing we got's in Raleigh." picture and write a 100-word" essay. Opponents of the move feel allowing out-of- Previously, North Carolina students were re state students into the school will lower the quired only to furnish proof of breathing and quality of some of the better academic depart recite the top three finishers in the Charlotte 500 ments such as the Department of Stock Car Rac ine, the Jesse Helms f-'uii./y Institute or the Bar The Board was responding to a report from the becue and Hushpuppies School. Commission on the Deleterious Effects of In Sen. Helms, who chairs a Senate subcommittee breeding in the South that claimed the low intel •on inbreeding, also disagreed with the Board's ligence of UNC students was caused, in part, by decision: "If we let too many Yankees into this their propensitv for remaining in stagnant com fine institution, people might find out just how munities of 25,000 or more. many North Carolinians were stupid enough to "Genetically speaking, Carolina students have vote for me." just plain gotten a raw deal," said Dr. I.M. Ahick Dean Smith, vice chancellor for academics and of the Orange County Health Department. "When varsity basketball coach, also opposed the Board's Susie gets her MRS. degree and marries Todd, move, calling the commission's report inadequate the quarterback, their kids can have all kinds of and defending the low SAT scores of both his congenital defects. Most UNC students had par in-state and out-of-state players, ents who went to school here." "So what if some of my players can't read a The University administration may also import stop sign, that doesn't mean they're not intelli out-of-state students from other, more well- gent," Smith said "If Kevin Madden can't get a It's back to basics for the UNC footba/l program, as University blowing the Duke game in November, Friday is rumored to be respected schools in the area, hoping they will job at the Amoco station down on Franklin Street, eventually raise the caliber of UNC students well then, sure, I've exploited him. But I guaran president Joe Friday has indicated he will fire Dick Crum for considering Andy Griffith for the Holes' top spot. through cross-breeding. tee that's not going to happen. I know the owner." Unbeatens clash in key ACC game A fitting tribute: ridge, described as "one of the most pop while my wife spoon-fed me warm milk." arena honors Smith ular after-dinner speakers at Carolina" in "He called me every night pleading. UNC will lose, though the Tar Holes' self-indulgent media guide, How could I respect something tike that?" Basketball insiders around the na said Ferry, who has started all 16 games By FORREST CORNERS while sipping creme-de-menthe. Start writer tion are praising Smith and ids accom By BUFFIE DEBB • "Now, lam confident that Warren will in his first year as a Blue Devil. plishments. be able to avoid that. I saw him count to [n the backcourt, the Tar Holes have Dean the Demi-God, as UNC bas "Dean is a great guy, the aircraft If it weren't for the return of 6-11 three and jump out of the paint three a larger problem. 6-4 pretty boy Hale will ketball fans refer to him, reached for carrier of dudes," said former Mar lumbering center Warren Martin, who staight times," draw the unenviable assignment of cover his 19th cigarette of the interview. quette coach and current NBC analyst has been sidelined for two weeks with a Martin will come off the bench to guard ing consensus All-America Johnny Daw- The head coach of the temporarily Al McGuire. "The fact that he handed hyperextended finger, the top-ranked 6-10 freshman Danny Ferry, one of the top-ranked Tar Holes was mulling the national championship to me on a North Carolina wouldn't stand a chance few that got away from Smith's clutches. Dawkins had a career-high 34 points over his appraisal of Saturday's contest silver platter in one of his several against Duke in Saturday afternoon's Smith, whose teams have finished first in last year's contest in Carmichael.