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1 This Is How It Starts. Imagine Now That You Are Walking Down a Set Of This is how it starts. Imagine now that you are walking down a set of railroad tracks in a very dark tun- nel. There is nothing above you to grab a hold of and the walls of the tunnel are per- fectly aligned with the tracks so there’s no getting off. This tunnel looms on forever in front of you and when the train comes, and believe me it’s coming, it is going to run you over and annihilate you just as surely as it has annihilated everyone in the history of the world. There you are, all alone, there is nothing to comfort you now, you can’t turn on the tv, you can’t get drunk or eat chocolate, or go shopping or start a new ex- ercise program or whatever it is you do, nothing, no more distractions are available. Off in the distance, you think you heard the whistle of a train but you have no way of knowing just how near it is or if that’s what it was because things tend to echo in a tun- nel. All your life, you have been running down these tracks sometimes at full speed and sometimes crawling but always moving forward trying desperately beyond hope to get out of the way of the train and suddenly you just stop. You are out of gas, you try to move but now nothing is happening, your legs won’t budge even another inch forward, you struggle now, you try to use your mind to propel you but even that isn’t working, it’s completely out of imagination and fantasy, and nothing, there’s nothing “you” can do. You are at the mercy of the conductor you think but wait, it’s worse than that, much worse than you thought, there is no conductor, the train is empty and no one is driving it, not God, not you, not anything. Are we having fun yet? Yes? No? Maybe? Feel free to click away from this now and don’t ever look for it again. Get in your car now and go see a good movie and com- pletely forget you ever came across anything like this. Try your best now to have thoughts like, “This is not my kind of thing, you know this just seems way to weird, and I don’t really have the time for reading right now anyway. I think the garage needs 1 cleaning out so I’d better do that instead.” Perhaps, there’s a new muffin recipe you can try today. Anything that can distract you from reading this, go with that. The best advice I can give to anyone who doesn’t want to be torn apart limb for limb and thought by thought is to keep enjoying your life and pretending that every- thing is fine and eventually it will all work out. Continue to get up in the morning and go to work and enjoy the gossip and the cocktail parties and go buy those fancy new high heels you’ve been dying to have with your bi-annual bonus, god won’t they look fabulous with that sleek black dress you have that you will fit into after you lose those last ten pounds. By god, you will be the envy of the party, maybe that guy will finally take an interest in you, you know the one in cubicle ten, the one that never even looks at you, yeah that one, well he’s just so cute isn’t he, maybe if you get your act together he will ask you out, you know maybe if just maybe you can somehow make yourself good enough for him, that is. Remember that new diet you just came across on Face- book? You should start that today, get rid of all the junk food you have in your fridge and go out now and buy all the ingredients you’ll need for it like tofu and kale and cayenne pepper. Pick up some new yoga pants while you’re at it and a new yoga mat so you will be motivated to actually attend the classes you already paid for. Don’t for- get to do all those affirmations you’ve been slacking on, “I am beautiful”. “I am suc- cessful.” “My life flows easily and effortlessly.” Hurry up now, time is running out, you’re not getting any younger you know, the clock is ticking and it’s ticking for you. Tick tock tick tock tick tock. Or whatever silly life you think you have going on. No? You still with me? Is your built in bullshit container completely full? Can’t muster even one more fake fucking smile? Can’t convince yourself that if you just buckle down, and start saving you will get out of debt in another year or two and your life will finally be different and you’ll finally be able to enjoy yourself all the time and 2 not just on weekends? Can you remember that you said that same thing, what was it now, ten years ago? Or maybe you’re one of those who did “make it”, you know finan- cially free, successful career, pleasant family life, well you got there, but then your still not happy, it’s just not satisfying, it’s like the surroundings have changed and nothing else and you can see that it’s all just bullshit and the life that they sold you just doesn't add up? What’s going on here? What is missing? Why are you even here? Just what is this life really for anyway? If these are questions that arise in you then, let’s get on with it but consider yourself warned and continue at your own risk, as you know, someone out there is fond of saying. Let’s get back in the tunnel then, the train is getting closer now, you can see the lights ever so faintly in the distance now and you’re afraid to look back to see how fast the lights are getting brighter. Maybe, if you just look straight ahead and don’t look back, they’ll disappear, maybe you just imagined it, but wait now you think you heard something again, it was a whistle. Everything goes quiet as you listen intently, holy shit, there it is again, you know you heard it this time, it’s getting louder and a terror like no other terror you have ever felt before fills your body from head to toe. The fear is overwhelming. You are going to die and you now know it. Fuck, there must be something you can do, you try your legs again, willing them to move, to make any movement whatsoever but they won’t budge, this is not happening you tell yourself, surely there’s someone who can help me, maybe there’s someone up ahead you think, so you use your voice and you start screaming, you scream like bloody hell, like a complete lunatic who’s about to get hit by a train when suddenly to your horror you realize that there are no sounds coming out of your mouth. It’s like one of those dreams where you try to scream but you can’t. This is how it starts. And this is the book. 3 Chapter One: I Dreamt I Was Born A Girl. “I dreamt I was born a girl. living alone in the world, passing the hours away. I looked into the face of sorrow, tempted by the taste of tomorrow, and the scent of yesterday. But that was only a dream of a dream, this world is not what it seems.” The Silent Awakening by Tina Malia I’m not writing this, in fact, this writing is not even happening, whatever words you think you are seeing here are not really here, you can’t read them and I can’t write them. I am literally just a figment of an imagination in the one dreamer as are you so whatever I say here is not really being said. I don’t have to worry about what I say here because I’m not saying it and nothing is being said, even so this writing appears to be happening, even though it’s not. This is probably the weirdest way to start a book, if it is a book, which it isn’t, there are no books anyway, not like you think there are. Weird isn’t a thing either just another idea in the head that you think you have, which you don’t but don’t worry, any worry you have or have ever had is not real either. That’s the good news. This whole thing is actually good news, if you can grasp it, you might find out that everything is actually okay and always was and always will be. I suppose that’s why I try to say anything even when I don’t. Trying is not a thing either so don’t even try to understand this, it is what it is and that’s all. Never-the-less, here’s the story. I had a sad life for as far back as I can really remember. I started crying, really cry- ing, like when your heart is truly broken, like how you cry when you know that no one in the entire world loves or cares about you at all, like how it feels when you think that there is something so terribly wrong with you that no one could ever love you, totally forlorn crying, broken hearted crying at around the age of thirteen.
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