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World Cup Wall Watching Pigs on Some News, Chart the Wing Hopefully IC Suffers Worst Ever News Drought

ALI CAMPBELL even had reports of missing traffic cones, which frankly are ten a This week, Imperial College was penny." struck by the worst news drought Panic subsequently gripped the for a good fifty years, rendering the office as all emergency investiga- front page of Felix little more than tions drew a blank. Extraordinary an amusing waste of space. consultations with Union officials The problem began when Jeremy produced little more information Thomson, editor of the publication, than, "Bugger off, I'm working". At noticed that the vibrant and inter- the eleventh hour, it was a certain esting stories with which the office dashing young journalist who saved is usually peppered had dried up the day again by writing two hun- completely, with the problem dred words of nonsense. reaching an unhappy climax just This occurrence adds weight to two hours before Felix went to the allegations that Imperial print. College, having recently risen Thomson was quoted as say- above Oxford to second place in ing, "I think this is extremely irre- the Financial Times' university rank- sponsible behaviour on the part of ings, now houses the second most the students at this university. I Andy Heeps: Nothing to Report boring campus inhabitants in the know that many people have country. examinations at this time of year, few people might do something but you would think that at least a vaguely news-worthy. We haven't

NUS Conference decends in to Tribalism

NEWSTEAM action. However, the newly elected president Andrew Pakes (this year's The annual conference of the National Treasurer), claimed that National Union of Students last he had personally lobbied Labour month crumbled into an angry MPs over the issue and defended The slanging match between the divid- the NUS1 position. In contrast, the Students' ed student parties. Speeches by CFE announced the launch of their both the columnist Peter Hitchins new anti-fees campaign "Can't Pay, Newspaper and NUS president Doug Trainer Won't Pay", in which they hope to at Imperial incited demonstration and abuse obtain 100,000 pledges from so vocal that police and security future students to default on their College were called on to restore order and payments. eventually break up the conference. The conference ended with almost The main source of friction was the the entire 2000-strong delegation increasing challenge to Labour on their feet and shouting during Issue Student's domination of the NUS Outgoing NUS President Douglas Trainer's retirement from the Campaign for Free 1114 Douglas Trainer speech, which came to a climax Education. Several key positions, when he accused the Socialist including National Treasurer, have The CFE's key priority is the aboli- Worker Party of being "paper-sell- 8 May shifted to CFE candidates, and tion tuition fees - an issue on which ing loonies." 1 998 Labour Students fear further losses the NUS have been widely criti- next year. cised for their lack of successful NEWS 8 May 1998

Bomb Scare News in Brief...

Threatens Final COMPUTER TOP-UP FEES JEREMY THOMSON On investigation, the Bomb Squad discovered the object to be a fake, THEFTS STOPPED DANGER IC security, the police and the constructed of aluminium cans and Bomb Squad were all involved in foil. "It was a definite attempt to Two thieves were disturbed dur- Students are once again facing an operation to defuse a bomb in imitate a bomb", said Ken Weir, ing an attempted robbery in the the prospect of top-up fees as the Sherfield Building last Friday. Chief Security Officer. Electrical Engineering building last MPs voted to overturn critical Security received an anonymous Although the incident is under Thursday night, preventing the amendments made by the House tip-off at approximately 11am, investigation and fingerprints are loss of thousands of pounds' of Lords in the Teaching and informing them that an explosive being studied, there is little chance worth of computer equipment. Higher Education Bill. Amongst device had been placed in the of identifying the perpetrator. The The men had broken in to an IT other changes, the peers voted to women's toilets on level three of possibility that the scare was a lab on the eight floor, and had continue means-tested main- the Sherfield Building. Security deliberate attempt to disrupt the begun to remove computers from tenants grants for students and investigated, saw the device and examinations has not been ruled the desks ready to carry them specifically prohibit universities decided to empty the building until out. from the building when a security from charging their own top-up it had been made safe. The police Ken Weir has requested that officer who was locking up fees. The clause has now been were called in, and all the nearby students do not leave their person- entered the area. The department modified so that an institution administrative staff were evacuat- al belongings outside the Great Hall was quickly sealed off, but the may charge extra fees if they can ed. At the time, final year biology during the exam period. He also thieves managed to exit the build- provide satisfactory justification. students were sitting exams in the reminded students to take all their ing and hid in Ayrton Road. A The bill, which has now Great Hall. However, it was decid- belongings with them at the end of chase ensued, but the men reached report stage and will ed to leave them undisturbed as the exam, especially swipe cards, escaped. It is thought that return to the House of Lords next they were deemed to be a safe dis- which have been left behind sever- although the robbers knew where month, can be read at www.par- tance from the suspected bomb. al times this term. to find the equipment, they liament.the-stationery- lacked detailed knowledge of the office.co.uk/pa/cm 1 99798- building /cmbills/18l/1998181.htm.

Researchers "to Cure Cancer in Two Yearsrr

ED SEXTON the Nobel laureate who discovered engineering to prevent certain can- the structure of DNA: He told a cers. Although the British research THE The last few weeks have seen a reporter for the New York Times has not received the media atten- deluge of publicity concerning "Judah is going to cure cancer in tion of the Boston group, both are possible cures for cancer. two years." significant developments in the FELIX This week international head- fight against cancer. lines reported the success of an Meanwhile the Cancer WEEK American group in eradicating Research Campaign is concentrat- Arts Meeting - 1pm. For all inter- tumours in mice. The research ing on another drug, ested in exhibitions and theatre team, who are based in Boston, Combretastatin A4, which is similar Books Meeting - 1 pm. Review have produced a drug cocktail in effect to the endostatin-angio- the latest fiction free. which reduces the blood supply to statin combination. Human trials Features Meeting - 1pm. If you developing tumours. are due to begin in November, want to write or layout features, The cocktail consists of two before the American trial begins. take photographs, or just have an drugs, endostatin and angiostatin, While Dr Watson's comments idea, come along. that seem to work synergistically in may be over-optimistic, we can preventing blood vessels from sup- expect a variety of new therapies plying cancerous growths. Not and treatments to become avail- News Meeting - 1 pm. For all only does this starve the tumour of able early in the new millenium. writers, researchers and essential nutrients, but it also pre- Then it was the turn of the The holy grail of 'a cure for cancer' photographers. NEWS WRITERS vents the spread of cancer cells, so Imperial Cancer Research Fund. is still out of reach, but perhaps not NEEDED! the tumour remains benign. Dr Researchers in Dundee have isolat- out of sight. Our understanding of Film Meeting - 1 2 noon. Judah Folkman, pioneer of the new ed a single gene (again in mice) cancer is growing at an exponential treatment, has been cautious about that seems to be crucial in prevent- rate and, although media hype may its effectiveness in humans, but this ing damage from carcinogens. The be raising false hopes once again, it Madness all day 10am - 3am. hasn't stopped a human trial being gene is particularly important in the seems that a cure for cancer may Not recommended for the unini- organised for the coming year. Nor lungs and bladder, two tissues that be a viable possibility within the tiated. has it stopped share prices in are often sites of smoking-related next decade. With a third of all EntreMed Inc, the company with cancers. Individuals with 'faulty' Westerners suffering from cancer the rights to the two drugs, from copies of the gene are more likely at some point in their lives, that has News Meeting - 12.30pm. soaring this month. Media atten- to develop cancers than those with to be good news. Music Meeting - 1.30pm. Get tion has been further intensified by functional copies. The finding your hands on the latest releases. the comments of Dr James Watson, could also allow the use of genetic City & Guilds College Union Annual General Meeting Union Dining Hall, 6pm Tuesday 19th May

AGM Events for the Centenary The AGM will also elect the The Annual General Meeting Year (1998/99) O&MC Chair and Hon Sec, will receive reports from all Motorised and violate Spanner/Bolt Bearers, Web Union Officers, Club and mascotry Editor, Spanner (Fresher's Society Chairs and Any member of the union may handbook) Editor, Archivist Departmental Representatives. bring up points for discussion and Assistant Hon Sec, Asst Elections for posts next year or motions to O&MC. HJT, Asst Publicity Officer, will also take place. and Asst Guildshcct Editor. Elections for 1998/99 Nominations arc taken from O&MC Nominations for Events the floor. The Summer Term meeting of Officer, Publicity Officer and the Officers and Members Guildsheet Editor have closed Colours Council will be convened and elections will be held at the Nominations are invited for straight after the AGM. Likely AGM. C&GCU Colours for items on the agenda are: Nomination papers for contributions to the any part of First reading of the new Academic Affairs Officer, the Union. Nominations to constitution Departmental Societies p.burge@ic, or [email protected] as Format for the Freshers' Officer and Welfare Officer soon as possible. Dinners in 1998 go lip this Monday, coming For any information about th posts, agenda, colours or Departmental and CCU down 5pm, Friday 15 May. anything else, contact Hamish level sports Elections will be held at AGM. Common ([email protected])

All members of the Union are welcome to attend

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BREAKFAST in the JUNIOR COMMON ROOM 8.30am-l0.30am Monday to Friday

Daily selection of Traditional English Breakfast Fayre:

Grilled Bacon, Pork Sausages, Black Pudding, Scrambled & Fried Eggs, Hash Browns, Saute Potatoes, Plum Tomatoes, Baked Beans, Freshly Baked Croissants, Toast, Cereals, Coffee, Tea and Chilled Fruit Juice

CURRY BAR in the JUNIOR COMMON ROOM 12.00 - 2pm Monday to Friday

Daily range of Curry, Rice, Kebabs, Chicken, Pita Bread

LUNCH in the MAIN DINING HALL 12.00 - 2pm Monday to Friday

THE DINER Freshly made Soup, Granary Bread, Casseroles, Stir Fry, Pastas, Homemade Pies, Crispy Fried Fish.

VEGETARIAN Vegetarian Dish of the Day, Noodles, Rice, Pasta, Baked Potatoes, Hash Browns, Lentil and pulse Dishes, Salads, Vegeburgers and Pizzas.

QUICKS Burgers, Fried Chicken, Pizza, Turkey Steaks, Pies, Pasties, French Fries, Hot Dogs, Barbecued Pork Ribs.

Traditional Hot Desserts with Custard, Fruit Salad, Gateaux, Yoghurts, Rice Pudding Extensive range of Chilled Drinks and Hot Beverages

COMPETITIVE PRICES, VAT FREE TO STUDENTS 8 May 1998 NOTICES AND EDITORIAL

Applications are invited for the position of Editorial SUBWARDEN Of all the problems facing IC stu- is it that we also have one of the London Weekend Television dents, accommodation is both worse student accommodation the biggest and the most expen- services in the country? The only are currently engaged in sive. London - the largest city in services provided by the SAO to research for a forthcoming FALMOUTH KEOGH the UK - also has the least proper- students seeking private accom- documentary about the twi- ty available for students. The land- modation are unhelpful advice, a light economy surrounding lords know this, and charge almost Loot HALL copy of and the notorious the world of the sex industry. as much rent as 'professional' property lists featuring landlords at homes poor quality properties. various stages of hardened crime Applications welcome from all As part of this, we would be interested in hearing from While a student studying in, say, and properties which may or may members of the college with at Sheffield might typically pay £30 - not have four walls and a roof. any students who have least 18 months before com- £40 for a room in a terrace house After that, you are on your own. So sought to supplement their petion of their course. with a lounge and garden, their what should they be doing? The income with occasional work London contemporaries are lucky first and easiest step is to listen to Application forms are available in this area. People with sto- to get away with less than £70 for what students are telling them from the Accommodation ries to tell should call David a small room in a crumbling flat about properties and landlords. 1 with no communal space. am aware that the SAO has a poli- Office, 15 Princes Gardens, and Donnelly on 0171 261 3276. Further more, you can walk cy of not vetting homes / landlord should be returned to the Obviously, all communication around Sheffield in any of the sub- (which I strongly disagree with), Warden, Dr Andrew will be dealt with in the urbs near the university, and you but the very least they can do is upmost discretion. Livingston, Chem Eng, by 5pm will see countless signs advertising ban from the lists those names Friday 15 May. vacant student accommodation, with the worst reputation, such as and even specialist estate agents. Mrs Sofiar. The properties are generally well Secondly, they can and should looked-after and compare check properties and contracts 11* I I favourably to the 'ordinary' homes before students sign and move in. rs next door. In contrast, student The SAO has a massive potential houses in London bear no resem- influence over landlords' behav- Ast ,s to congratulate those blance to resident's flats and rarely iour. While landlords don't care a wor : call of duty, all in the have all the basic essentials for jot about individual tenants, if they

nam re tuirenuy night for the following habitation - a lounge, a proper know that they will not get any IC awa bathroom and kitchen, hot water, students until they act legally, they electricity and some sort of garden will soon come up to scratch Hal) or rights to an open space. Lastly, the College should con- The Last year, I lived in a fairly typi- sider the shining example set by to tl cal student flat in Earl's Court. We Hull University (yes, really). They had no living room, a tiny kitchen have a policy of signing longer term Cole and several bedrooms had been tenancies on suitable properties The ire- split up to bring the total to seven. and then sub-letting them to stu- Ion My own room measured 5 foot by dents. This allows them to keep the 1 1 foot, and had no windows. And prices down, the landlords in the cost? £68 per week, now £73 check, and the students well Ou and rising at £5 each year. I have looked-after. Do you think the SAO An »n- heard of and seen much worse would ever do that? Would a land- tin iv- than this. lord ever let you off the rent? itic Given all these problems, why

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Th shed Fellowship is only awarded to Maths and Science Tutors Bands Wanted thi ved the Union in a selfless and Needed On Friday 15 May, ICU will be ptiona] and beyond reproach. Each Positions across London, top holding its first cross-campus d Honorary Life Membership of the rates. Contact 0181 349 2148. Battle of the Bands. If you are in a graved with their name and details Graduates only. band and want to be considered, please send a demo tape to Mark Earn Extra Cash Home in the union office. We Medical Research team at IC need already have a band in from lan a data entry dark for one month's Charing Cross, but if you're on St work. IT experience essential, Mary's or South Ken campuses Microsoft Access preferred. £5 send a tape NOW. per hour. Contact Maria Barnes on first itista r#» in th«t Pr the 0171 351 8349 INCOMING 8 May 1998

Trouble Ahead for Letters to Felix... Campus Renaissance

LEAN, MEAN AND After having lived for a year in other time maybe? sub-standard, over priced accoma- Cheers TURNING GREEN dation at the adress mentioned Rich Setchfield, Aero III above (as advertised by the I.C Dear Editor, accomadation office) my current Nightmare landlord or house? Let 1 thought I might offer further flatmates and 1 returned to the us know, the name / address and insight into the rector's comment: accomadation office in search of what problems they have caused something better. We had been you, and we will produce a 'name "My students are no smarter than looking for weeks for something and shame' list of our own. Ed those at Oxford or Cambridge, suitable but had found nothing and they're meaner and leaner" the end of term was now upon us. Sir Ronald Oxbrough. In desperation we went to the SOUND ADVICE accomadation office for some help Meaner because they have to and advice and what did we get?.... Dear Felix deal with nightmarish accommoda- A copy of 'Loot'. Thanks for reporting the may- FELIX tion officers [Letters, Felix 1 106 &. This second example of total oral elections last issue [news, 1109] and landlords [House of Hell indifference to the student led me 1113]. While I think that a mayor - Felix 1113]. to wonder what the people in the for London is a good idea, 1 would Issue 1114 Leaner because they eat food accomadation office actually do all like to tell readers on thing - when served up by IC catering. day (apart from not be able to work we do get to vote on who it will be, On a second note, perhaps we out that a flat containing two dou- DON'T vote for Jeffery Archer. should all get a glimpse of the ble rooms and one single room is This man is a con-artist and a Sherfield extravagance mentioned not a flat for three people). liar. Through out his career he has by Simon. It would be a great fun Accomadation offices at many contstantly claimed to have a for Sherfield's suite 5 to be opened other universities offer all sorts of degree from Oxford university Felix. Beit Quad. Prince Consort up for visitors (a bit like the Lord help and services to their cus- (which he hasn't), a diploma in Road. London. SW7 2BB. chancellor's apartments) we could tomers (yes we are customers anatomy from a prestigious Internal tel: 58072. fax: 48072. then all stand in awe of the decor since, without us they would not American college (which he hasn't) y';:.} '}'

It is well known that finding years later. Once again, he claimed IV>;?-':. ",..'!'..''' '"'";'V. : PART II good accomadation in London is a to be the youngest member of par- nightmare so we must demand liament (which he wasn't, by five Dear Felix better help and advice. The service years). ::xx/i, by.-xxx, : : : I have been meaning to write that I have experienced from this Archer's dodgy share dealings this letter for some time and letter college department is appaling and with both Aquablast and Anglia TV 'House of hell1 in this weeks issue clearly a waste of our money. The are well known. Less common (1113) at last prompted me to do answer is simple: either get the knowledge is a blatant shoplifting Editor: |eremy Thomson so. The reason is that I too have people in charge to buck their offence - he stole three suits values suffered at the hands of the landla- ideas up or close the place down at $540 from an American depart- I'Jr.; :';iv X \\X .X/t'XXi,. dy mentioned in that letter as, I am once the halls have been filled each ment store. ! ; XXXX: j: Xr- .;;„..: sure, have many other I.C students year and put the money into some- This man cannot be trusted ixn x . '''J/';.'';;. and I am glad that this issue has thing useful (education perhaps?) with a baby's rattle, let alone the |ason Ramanathan Alok |ha been brought to peoples attention. As for all of the other Sherfield capital city of England. DON'T ' Xf;, : '/Jilt'::, i i- '. . This, however, is not the main departments, well there's not room VOTE FOR HIM. ix-x : 'xx : x ; r>. yxxxxv-rii reason for me writing. I feel, as to moan about you here. Some Alex McMurphy, Mech Eng :.!: j.-.j ij -ut clearly does my collegue from flat 'xxxxxix I,:':';'< ! , xyy i 2, 42 Queen's gate gardens, that serious questions have to be asked Deadline for letters is 6pm Tuesday. Letters may be edited for of the accomadation office and the length, but will not be altered or corrected in any other way. service (or lack of it) that they pro- Letters may be signed or anonymous, but please show your swipe vide for I.C students. card when submitting them. 8 May 1998 COLUMNS

By the time this hits the news- unprecedented arrogance com- Campbell tells him. We are repre- more representation on stands, a large number of you will manded by a man who has delu- sented on the international stage the enlarged Court, with have voted in the local elections sions of presidency. The spindoc- by a loutish Foreign Secretary, who places for the President and the mayoral referendum. tor has been raised to messianic despite so much promise in oppo- and six others. These will principal- Despite the fact that 1 know that status, with the creeping politicisa- sition has shown that the only ly consist of the CCU Presidents you hang on my every word, there tion of the Civil Service. New department briefs he has mas- and a Deputy President or two to is little point in trying to influence Labour spoke at length of Christian tered are those belonging to his make the numbers up. This is you after the event. The elections, family values in their manifesto, secretary. The calibre of some of where alarms bells started ringing. however, coincide with Labour's which has sown the seeds of the the Cabinet is so low, as in the What we are proposing is that the first anniversary, and since the patronising, infu- case of Harriet interests of 1C students are to be world and his wife are expressing riating puritanism Harman, that represented by the Presidents of an opinion, I would hate to be left that is so wonder- Mandelson and RCSU, C8.G etc. Am I alone in out. fully exemplified Campbell resort- being somewhat unnerved by this by the beef on the ed to bullying prospect? The C&.G President 1 must admit that the first year bone ban. We Radio Four over hardly acquitted himself well this of New Labour has not been as have a govern- ft1 the behaviour of year, and the prospect of my inter- disastrous as previous Labour ment that was _J John ests being protected by the administrations. Economic chaos elected partly on Humphreys. This President of the RCSU fills me with has not ensued, though elements an anti-sleaze behaviour, taken horror. I cannot think of people at of their budgets, such as the wind- ticket, which P"""] with innumer- Imperial less well equipped than fall tax, have proved less than accepted £1 mil- able other inci- this lot to defend our interests, desirable. Bank of England inde- lion from Bernie dents, gives cr-e- elected on a negligible mandate by pendence is something that the Ecclestone and, in Cl" dence to the cliques of self-promoting hacks. Conservatives should have imple- a totally unconnected action, idea that, for all the affability of Aside from the ICU President, we mented years ago, and is to be exempted Formula One from a Blair, this is a government that is should adopt the method of elec- congratulated. Many of the tobacco advertising ban. We have becoming ever more aloof and tion used for the administrative Education initiatives are also to be Labour MPs facing criminal self-obsessed. representatives, namely a ballot of congratulated, though one has a charges for election fraud, both in those to be represented. That way, sense of deja-vu with much of Scotland and England. Such is While we're on the subject of we would hopefully achieve broad- David Blunkett's policy. The moves Tony Blair's obsession with popu- elections, something rather worry- er representation, outside the nar- towards peace in Northern Ireland, larity that he has backed away ing occurred to me earlier this row sectional interests of the building on the foundations laid by from or watered down much of the week. As many of you will know, Union hacks. The potential for John Major, are excellent, if fraught very good welfare reform pro- it's all change for the way Imperial damage caused by the proposed with difficulty. However, all is not posed by Frank Field, a man told to is governed. Out goes the setup is enormous. Any candi- quite so rosy, if you'll forgive the 'think the unthinkable', now limit- Governing Body to be replaced by dates? pun. We have a government of ed to thinking whatever Alistair a Court and Council. ICU will get

Taurus (21/4 - 215) Virgo (24/8 - 22/9) Sagittarius (23/1 \ 23/1 Panic not! Everytrfavot^Jped done has been It is unlikely tjj make this week Despite your lack \f tastejflffnusic, you will done by your eve^BHI^fcam of trustworthy will have any I e life. It is wis- stunned by the shejtortSeauW of your voice. slaves. Lie back ^nd enjoylthe bliss of inner est, however, tc those choices Unfortunately s^^ii^fcyery6ne else. You find peace and contentment. Alternatively, you concerning the chocolate, and yourself surprisfngly shoft^of friends as you exer- could try and get . never, ever grow a goatee, te your inclina- cise your new-found talent for singing. tions that way. Gemini (U^JM Capricorn (24/12 oving across The gracelS? Hippopotami shows Saturn's path to go horribly you that the Wajjbf thf ust is not always paved wrong. Do not how that your in diamonds. Scpietim there are large bricks life will be back o iext six weeks and rocks in the woid these by purchas- J-foroscqpes or so. Just in time ow nice. ing gin anct |ll psychic female chemists. Aquarius (21/1 - 18/2) A local shower of fish will drench you to the skin Cancer (22/6 - 22/7) Someone TCse » with salt-wat&f^m&^S^mLhf^mNine of Gerbils...... The lethargic Wandjgy|pades shows that this This will seriously deplete ypitsex-appeal. The week you wUpK^K

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THOUGHT FOR THE DAY Oh God, Jimmy, no.

It's not too often that I find myself handing musical interlude, I knew that the next two again. this column in to Jeremy late, but 1 am afraid weeks were going to be completely out of com- This demonstrates admirably another that this is one of those weeks. This is due to mission for any purpose other than eating appealing facet of the game: it is a game of the rather unfortunate bombshell that I have an crisps, drinking coffee, and smoking a lot of cig- characters. From the unbridled arrogance of exam tomorrow, and still haven't starting revis- arettes. So the dice were cast, and just as the Stephen Hendry to the cheeky chirpy Scouse ing yet. Why not? - well, some might quote me prevalence of Wimbledon fills houses with twang of John "don't let me into your dressing an answer containing the words "bone-idle", grunts and the erratic bleeps of Cyclops, so the room or I'll steal your trousers" Parrott, or the "layabout" and "good-for-nothing". True as these alluring Siren that is the sound of two snooker calculated conservative play of 80s wizard Steve scandalous accusations might ultimately be, I balls colliding draws me down from my eco- Davis, everybody has their eccentricities, and am going to suggest a far more noble cause: the nomics revision. 1 do not even have the luxury of the concentration that the sport requires seems Embassy World Championship Snooker. lashing myself to the mast. to merely amplify these twitches. There are also Yes: it's that time of year again when men in So follows days of cheers, groans, and mut- the wags behind the microphones: John Virgo, waistcoats and bow ties knock a kaleidoscope tered conversations about the "foul and a miss" Dennis Taylor, and that fellow who has recently of colour around an apparently chlorophyll-sat- rule. The first rounds of any major tournament, retired; you know, the biased one who whis- urated piece of cloth. Eventually one of them be it snooker, tennis or tiddlywinks, seldom pered a lot: "1 think Jimmy's left a red on. Wait, wins an obscene quantity of hard cash through contain any major drama as the top seeds blast he's left two.... Or is it three.... Oh God, Jimmy, this apparently very simple activity, but by gum, their way through the board, greatly upsetting no. Please, God, no. NOOOOOO " the spectators don't half have some fun along the young qualifying hopefuls. This year, howev- So there you have it. I know nothing about the way... er, was a very welcome exception, as the indifference maps, how to maximise a firm's After seeing Jimmy White lose a dozen or so unseeded Jimmy "bookie's friend" White bat- profits or Game Theory. But I do know a lot heartbreaking frames on the trot one year to tered Stephen Hendry who was then the world about referee indifference, the maximum break Stephen Hendry, I decided that the subsequent Number One. Even after this beautifully con- prize and the theory behind the greatest table operation 1 had to have performed on my ner- trolled display, there was little doubt in any- sport in the world. vous system was something I was unlikely to be body's mind that poor Jimmy, a runner-up in the Ali Campbell able to afford again, and vowed to give up my final six times, didn't stand an earthly; it was important role as a spectator of this Sport of perhaps fitting that it was the job of Ronnie Kings. Snooker is snooker, though, and so when O'Sullivan, often considered White's contempo- I heard that instantly recognisable BBC Sport rary replacement, to send him packing yet

O

Goulash * small tub of soured cream «" 6-8 spuds This week we head east, pass over a few inter- vening countries and arrive in Hungary to sam- Start of by cutting the meat into 'A inch ple the local mainstay, goulash. This was origi- cubes (or get your local butchered family to do nally a low-budget stew eaten in the country but it for you). Heat up a large frying pan, melt the has now been upgraded to a posher internation- butter in it and gently fry both the sliced onions al status. Somehow the transition managed to and the meat until well brown. Grind some pep- change the name as well: despite the spelling, per into the pan, add the flour and leave to goulash is 'gouyash' as a rather excited hungari- singe for a good minute stirring all the time. Put an restaurateur once told me (over and over and everything into a large saucepan and deglaze over again throughout an expansive dinner). the frying pan with the wine. Leave the wine to The originality of goulash is that it is spiced simmer gently for a moment, scraping the base with paprika, a mild/very mild chilli grown in of the pan to dissolve all those pyrogenic chem- Hungary. The same restaurateur also told me icals and then add it to the meat and onions. that he used a heaped tablespoon of paprika per This, as all good vampires will know, is the Also add the tomatoes, stock, bouquet, salt and person and the result was excellent but you neck of a lamb. a couple more pints of water to the saucepan. might want to start with less especially if you're Heat this up and leave to simmer for at least a chilli-wuss. You will need: I Vi hours. Another hot tip I've recently discovered is V I Vi - 2 lb beef / lamb Meanwhile wash and dice the potatoes into that those of you who have problems with beef 2 onions 1" cubes. You then add these and the paprika to can use some neck of lamb and get something ®" 2 oz butter the stew '/z hour before you want to eat, bring just as delicious. So there. T 1 tbl flour (heaped) back up to the boil and simmer. And finally 1 thoroughly recommend this dish »" 1 tin tomatoes The finishing touch is to add the cream to if you're camping and have to cook for lots of 'A pt red wine the goulash just before serving with some good people on only one heat source since the stodge «' 1 pt stock (possible cheat with cubes) crusty bread and the rest of the wine if it's still cooks in the splodge if you know what I mean. 5T bouquet garni or just any old herbs around. «" paprika, lots Antoine MUSIC 8 May 1998

ALBUMS

MONEY MARK Push the Button

hose hammering and chis- definite "lo-fi" nature. He gets Today reprises Elvis Costello. And elling carpenters aren't immense pleasure out of creating Rock In The Rain and / Don't Play T;famou s for their musical abil- strange new sounds and incorpo- Piano are heartfelt odes filled with ity. Not unless their name is Karen rating them into his songs. Even lilting melodies. or Richard. Or not unless they were this new album arrives in suitably No one was expecting this from the singing sensation that was lo-fi packaging, using the bare min- Money Mark. A collection of quirky Jesus Christ Superstar, who learnt imum of cardboard and plastic. samples would have satisfied most. all he knew from his carpenter dad. You've most probably heard of But this album contains diverse But you get my point: a carpenter is Money Mark from his recent single, songs filled with the so-called unlikely to change the sphere of the wonderful (yet strangely Top "hum" factor - you can't get the music. However, what if you were 40-shy) Hand In Your Head. This catchy tunes out of your head. Like carpenter to The Beastie Boys? And track manages to mix bouncing the lounge lizard cry of "All the they took a shine to your secret rhythm, good-time keyboard people in the world!"; or the passion in analogue keyboard chords and assured, enticing strained, driving bassline in forth- tweaking? And you went on to play singing with lyrics which are inven- coming single Maybe I'm Dead; or on their records and steer them tive whilst still naive. In short, a sur- the awesome concoction that is towards their current cool-standing prising feel-good pop record. It Powerhouse: on the surface organ- as leaders of America's alternative even features Sean "Son of John" led drum'n'bass mayhem, but scene? Well, you'd be Money Lennon on bass guitar, Mark's only beneath that a carnival of bossa Mark. collaboration on the album. nova. Mark Ramos-Nishita (renamed While few, if any, tracks on For what is his first proper stu- Money Mark by The Beastie Boys) Push The Button are as amazing as dio album (previous efforts were Money Mark is a half-Mexican, half-Japanese Hand In Your Head, the album is lit- demos of age-old compositions) after banging lover of old technology. He says of tered with magic moments. There Money Mark has made a remark- his keyboards his primitive keyboards, "It's some- are enough experimental pieces, able achievement. He even found brainless. thing I can repair on my own, that's like the title track and the space himself a singing voice - reserved what I feel most comfortable invaders march of Destroyer, to and unforced. The sheer experi- about. I have little relationships satisfy any doubters of Money mentation of this album may initial- with my keyboards." This is just Mark's inventiveness. But it is the ly put some off, but a few listens one factor that has made him steer "proper" songs that steal the show. and you're drawn in. d clear of the digital revolution, "It's Too Like You is a well-crafted tune Ed hard for me to deal with this new that can be placed alongside any world, this new technology." slice of '60's beat-pop. The Justifiably, then, his music is of a euphoric Tomorrow Will Be Like

FRANK BLACK AND THE GANG STARR CATHOLICS Moment Of Truth g-TT'r'ri Frank Black And The Catholics * * ang Starr are back with their eral feel of the whole album is rank Black, former lead singer by itself, we would pray to carry G hotly awaited new album more of a mellow West Coast F of the highly acclaimed Pixies this album, and although his voice Moment of Truth. Good groove. Summery piano tunes float has finally gone solo for the is clearly needed it seems to drag news for the hardcore fans is that over laid back, deep hip hop beats fourth time, 'Hurrah' I hear you the album down even more when not much has really changed as with sweet female vocals looping shout. This supposedly blues the listener just wants him to give Guru states on the intro to the fine around in the background on many album is meant to take over where them some sort of a tune. first track, You Know my Steez, 'we of the tracks. All this leads to a bril- the Pixies left off, sounding fresher If you liked the Pixies, there's had the right idea at the begin- liant album that not so much grabs and more modern, but manages to no guarantee that you will like this ning...the rhyme style is elevated, you and shakes you about but mas- bomb out. album, as it's too much the same the style of beats is elevated but sages your mind and before you This album has been produced throughout. If you've heard any of it's still Guru and Premier...' And it know it you are caught up swaying almost on auto pilot, every song is the songs from the album, then most certainly is, Moment of Truth side to side head bobbing to the uninspired and seems to be trying you will probably like the entire is a return to Gang Starr's best. addictive hook and beat. to just tap into what the Pixies album, but only in the same way Guru's deep monotone vocals lace However the stand out tunes once had, but as a result just we all loved those 1 7 re-mixes of and loop between some of DJ for me. The Militia and the best sounds rehashed, predictable and Robert Miles's Children. This album Premier's best tunes to date. track on the album The Rep Crows unoriginal. The album was record- is Black in that its so bland it lacks There is somewhat of a Bigga, are the darker more hard ed over a space of three days and anything uplifting like a melody, but dichotomy in the album though. sounding tracks. This is a truly it shows. There's a feel that he's is it Frank? Well only in Cockney On the one hand Gang Starr in excellent album that anyone who just slapped together music he's rhyming slang, d tracks like, Robbin Hood Theory, knows their hip hop will buy. This used to in an attempt that it might David H. New York Strait Talk and Above the Gang get five Starrs. CI actually work, but it gives the Clouds, which features Inspectah Ramzi album a feel of one long monoto- Deck of the Wu-Tang Clan, main- nous drone. tain their usual slightly more hard- If we had just heard the backing core East Coast sound but the gen- 8 May 1998 MUSIC 11

ALBUMS

NICK CAVE AND THE BAD SEEDS VARIOUS The Best Of Nick Cave And The Bad Seeds 2 *

my life, not that I have resorted to ie magic ingre- past punk ideals, on the contrary, it sd to create a is because, although Nick Cave sequel? Good may still have a fixation with death r actors and a (exorcised in some part by the ector, however mighty Murder Ballads) he has channelled his energies into creat- ing some of the most beautifully loathsome lowlife with which to recount his stories. And whilst he takes the role of recalcitrant preacher here or incestuous bump- kin there, the rest of the Bad Seeds pump out big bastard gospel melodies that God himself would have wished to have had written for him. Not that there isn't a place for love in the songs, it's just that through the eyes of one of Caves characters, love can be an infatua- tion with the macabre, the innocent or just the plain bizarre and some- times it's difficult to tell one from the other. or me it was Prayers on Fire got the better of the deal. That for And when people sneer and say F and High Land Hard Rain. me was the moment I disengaged that he sold out with Kylie, (includ- That pivotal moment in my the angry young man and inserted ed here on the album) take a step formative years when I opted out ugly, unloved and hapless in its back and see it for what it is. Her of Nick Caves unstable world by place. And that place had no place beauty to his beast. The perfect foil swapping the Birthday Party for for Nick Cave. for the master storyteller, Aztec Camera. To this day I still Funny then that the Bad Seeds Inspirational. H have a sneaking suspicion that Paul should now fit so seamlessly into Davros C. Dick

or rhe CD oin onlv bt" ullt'd Iron Maiden A i Virtual XI Fighters, Sugar Ray a-

xamining the track listing for splices all the <:

ICLES

Slow gospel funk melody and drea- m There's a comfortably large trying to say they're not cut out for ESS* H O O N body of singles for you to fame with latest release, Houdini. ry lyrics supply a far below average digest this week. So sit back, I'd propose that they're wrong. A single from Monkey Mafia. Long relax, read and enjoy... refreshing and cooling mint to take As I Can See The Light is not what away the stench of meat and pota- has come to be expected of Jon to guitar rock. Gorgeous and Carter. Unfinished Monkey busi- anthemic. Now they've been heard, ness, me thinks. let's hope they don't do a disap- Caught between indie and pop, pearing act. The Jellys are still unsigned and no Sunhouse's Animal appears to wonder! The more heavily guitar be a surprise. The peaceful acoustic driven tracks on the Head mumblings of the verses come to first... Legs last...EP are quite similar, but Idlewild are faster, serve as no sort of portent for the catchy, though. darker and heavier. A Film for the frighteningly fuzzy chorus. "Aaargh! The First Things First EP pro- Future is an arse-kicking romp of a 1 still feel like an animal!" Woah! vides drug addled lyrics of young track that demands the volume to Calm down, mate. Their last single love, prisons and the hard life. be cranked right up high. Their first fter the success of Brimful being a broody blues track, it seems Beautifully sung by Lee Griffiths, single with the Food label, this is a OfAsha the world's ears are that they've tapped into something the male equivalent of Tracy cracking effort - Idlewild are going A a bit more primal and this is to their Chapman, with exquisitely under- to be GOOD. waiting for an equally uplift- ing follow-up. Of course, this is a credit. stated acoustic instrumentation. Marcy Playground Sex and Cornershop song rather than a There's a driving bassline here Spearmint appear to be a mix Candy. You must have heard this on Norman Cook remix so it is rather that chugs relentlessly and gives Six between Dodgy and Gene. The B- the radio - the one that goes different but the enticing melody by Seven's Candlelight a kind of sides on A Trip Into Space EP are "Hanging round, downtown by and thought-provoking lyrics that perpetual motion. Propelling for- more measured acoustic affairs but myself/ And there she was/ Like make up Sleep On The Left Side ward with no apparent ending, the title track is certainly a double cherry pie". A fun, singable never fail to draw you in. you're sucked into its paranoia. You pop/dance/indie monster that ditty from their eponymous new Stuck Mojo produce a pre- album, this is an enjoyable but ulti- mately harmless number ideal for... dictable mix of heavy metal thrash THE ESSENTIAL CHOON and Chilli Pepper pseudo-rap. At well, for day-time radio playlists. least Rising has great lyrics. "Liar Lower Crime Satillite liar, pants on fire" is the only bit I Ballroom Formulaic indie-rock, this rather could understand. Don't Stop sterilised, undynamic song pro- The Only One starts with some Beautifully majestic. Imagine vides little interest. The B-side, / nice guitar strumming, then has Embrace's All You Good Good Am Remote Control is better, a some traditional Irish music, then People without the arrogance, slower track performed with feeling goes all Natalie Imbruglia sub-indie without the sneers, without the that shows initial promise, but sadly angst. That's about it from hype chopping away at its heels. descends into cliched and unimagi- junkster, really. Ed Awash with strings by the end, native guitar solo. Don't Stop is an awakening that Space Monkeys Sugar Cane is a mash Mouth's The Fonz has takes you onto its magic carpet Sugar-frosted not-quite rap not- a big dirty opening but and flies you away from all the quite-reggae mess. The Space S crap. Effortlessly uplifting. Monkeys like to be cool and sing descends into a fairly average song that just plods along without Dennis about drugs, but they lack the really taking you anywhere. There's humour of Cypress Hill or the only really the musical stop before power of PWEI. B-side Pin Up Boy the chorus that's going to keep you appear to be greeted with a light at could be a summer hit. is an attempt at a vocal-led ballad listening. Mind you, you could the end of the tunnel, only to New Rising's Drowning Reason which, frankly, fails. Naff. Jeremy always listen to the live version of realise it's another bloody train! is a reasonable listen. Distant male Walkin' on the Sun. Track 3, if you Thoroughly engaging. vocals filter through the haze of were wondering. Christ, talk about formulaic! indie guitars and various effects. A i O N Boom Boom Mancini release Verse, Chorus, Middle Eight, good sounding track reminiscent of Arguments and Alcohol, which is a Chorus, Solo. Despite the apparent the more mediocre Stone Roses fantastic title, isn't it? I think every- conformity, Alison's Room still tracks. Ramzi one can claim his or her's fair share. transmits a raw intensity and you Sexy female vocals, happy bassline can't help but get excited about the lack Box Recorder's Child and a chorus that most people will pounding rhythm and catchiness of B Psychology sees Auters accompany the acid-smooth find themselves either singing along the song. As 60 Ft. Dolls' singer- scary-man Luke Haines back vocals of Andy Yorke (yes, brother to or reproducing on the phone guitarist Richard Parfitt declared: "If with a tense and bitter-sweet track of the man himself) before burst- come Saturday morning: "I didn't Oasis are the Beatles doing Abbey featuring the life story of a prob- ing into a bold, clean but angst- really mean it. I'd like to try again." Road, we're the Beatles in lem-child. Exquisitely performed, it ridden chorus. The song follows a Continuing the fantastic titles Hamburg!" Dennis is slow, melodic and tragic but simple template, but is no worse theme, Snow Patrol's 100 Things sadly rather vacuous. Like Fitter off for that. The single also you Should Have Done In Bed is abybird's Bad Old Man is a Happier, it doesn't stand up to includes three more fine tracks not obviously a take on all these maga- B deliciously melancholic pop repeated listening. on the album. When Unbelievable zines, such as FHM and Maxim, tune. Dark lyrics combine Idlewild A Film for the Future. Truth reach the 'third album cre- that have articles like 50 Ways to with a slow, twisting piano melody Idlewild are inevitably going to be ative stage', they are going to be do it When You're 50! Jumpy in a to produce a brilliant single. compared to their Edinburgh con- something special. But don't take lo-fi garage sort-of way. Worth lis- Komputer's Valentina, on the temporaries Urusei Yatsura, so 1 my word for it, listen for yourself at tening to for a while. other hand, is basically Kraftwerk may as well be first. Their high- http://raft.vmg.co.uk/untruth/- "I am a square peg in a star- gone horribly wrong. Awful lyrics, energy fuzzy guitars and super- newmusic/ Jeremy shaped hole" Maybe Clitterbox are awful tune, awful single! Nuff said. charged punky lyrics are indeed 8 May 1998 MUSIC 13

CLUBSCENE - REVIEW / INTERVIEW Freedom @ Bagleys Film Studios 11pm- 7am £12 on the door £8 members

t's been about four years since I get underground Garage (Dreem posted, all hell seemed to be brak- release Tears (reviewed some Ilast ventured too the back Teem etc) and the all new ing lose. People crazyin' out all over weeks back) and the crowd appre- streets of Kings Cross to Bagleys Breakbeat room (Freestylers) that the place and a VW camper van ciated this girls vocal talents. 100% studios - probably the best venue one of the promoters that I was with people jumping about inside live - no back dates here and you on the larger side of things in town, chatting to seemed very excited it, a film crew filming it and some would not been able to tell the dif- from what I can remember. But this about. One of the best things about geezer with a flame thrower sort of ference between the live perfor- time I was rolling VIP style and not this club is that even though it's fing burning up the front screen. mance and the record superb only was it the start of the 4 Liberty often quite packed and people are Most peculiar and I hadn't even got voice. In the all new breakbeat European tour (Dreem Teem- constantly moving from one room in yet. You'll probably see big room the Freestylers rocked the Mikee B, Sponny 8. Timmi Magic to another is that there is no stand- queues but don't let this put you off place with there unique blend of and Colour Girl and Luigi perform- ing in queues trying to get here and as they get people in very quickly nu-skool breaks 'n' beats to not the ing live) but the Freestylers (inter- there you simply step outside walk indeed, unless you happen to be on biggest crowd but a up for it one view issue 1 106) were also in the down the side of the buildings to the guest list then you can expect that appreciated the music. house launching the all new break- the room you want then go straight too spend some time watching the I seriously advise you too check beat room. Nice touch. in no hassle. With this large outside paying customers queue disap- this place out, it's a unique venue Right - some facts about area you can step out and cool off pearing at a phenomenal rate whilst which you're very unlikely to find Freedom - it's on every Saturday and get away from the hectic pace yours has only moved two feet. But anything the host of top DJs and a and has to be the biggest weekly of the interior of the club and chill you can't have your cake and eat or friendly crowd anywhere else. event in London. Some 2,500 for a bit. There is also a nice spread something! Further info: 0171 278 2171. party people can fit in - the closest through-out the rooms, plenty of Once inside the massive place Don't forget you can catch the thing you'll get to a large-scale rave bars and bar staff, drinks at stan- you can take your pick from the Dreem Teem and the whole 4 in town. Boasting four rooms of dard club prices and they have even host of musical styles on show, in Liberty crew at their end-of-tour music, one playing Hardish House got friendly 'n' helpful security. the Garage room Mikee B absolute- party @ Twice As Nice, Londons and the other has DJ Aerial playing When 1 finally found my way to ly rinsed the place out dropping leading Sunday affair on 31 May. A his mind-bending 10-hour set each the entrance a small road off Yorke some phat slabs of underground night not to be missed. week - he plays what he plays like. Way, Kings Cross right behind the two step business followed by jo Public Then in the two smaller rooms you station that is surprisingly un-sign Colour Girl performing her latest

CLUBSCENE - SINGLES

GARAGE

Decoder & Mark Caro. Eko just too dark - absolutely tearing. P). Too Young (FatBoy Rec.) one that's doing it for me, cuts (Tech Itch) 25 May This is such a tune that even thou it This is the vinyl debut from PJ a 12 down the lengthy vocal, strips away Tech Itch is one of my favourite was released last week, 1 still heard year old boy from Northampton. In the annoying piano and altogether labels on the dark side, and they it played down Metalheadz on last that smooth groove sort of style toughens up the beats with a step- are maintaining their run of strong Friday - the home of up front D&B. bouncy beats stabs of this 'n' that ping sub bass line to match. In that releases with this collaboration Not just one of the best tunes of clever arrangements, tough but dif- new style that's coming on strong between two outstanding produc- the year but of all time. ferent sub-bass and soulful male using stabs of keys it has a light ers in there own right. This has vocal stabs complete the package uplifting feel, needs to be heard a been ripping up clubs of the likes of Peshay. Miles From Home nicely. But 1 fail to see how a 12 few times before you appreciate Metalheadz for a little while now, (MoWax) Out Now year old kid could have made this, just how good this track is. dark melodic hooks 8^ fx run along- I don't know what's going on this I feel it has more to do with Kostas side skippy beats and a dark sub week - must be an important date P (Kilo Kings) &. James Reynolds Gruesome Twosome. Track/More bass. Flipside hard 'n' intelligent, a on the calendar or something. Two (London Connection) the engi- (Checkmate Masters) 12" you'd be silly to miss. of the best tunes of past years have neers. Sounds a bit like a PR stunt This a superb piece of vinyl con- been released over the last few to me. But still a good tune. taining two tracks with two mixes Solar Nine. Download weeks. Again a tune your know as of each. The first tune is Track the (Splash Records) 18 May soon as it's double bass line drops Chris Mack. Get It (Confetti) first mix is a slow 2-step sort of This is a rough tune with big phat in and that sample from Music Chris Mack has had a few good style with old skool over tones but beats that just roll along, echoing Box-Full Cycle. This has been float- tracks out lately and perhaps this done in a different way to most. A beats &. spacey fx give it depth and ing around on dub plate for about has gone to his head a bit and he great tune to start your set with tight percussion keep it moving for- one and a half years by my reckon- forgot to finish this track before nice intro and clever beats in the ward. A guaranteed crowd pleaser. ing - so long in fact that 1 though it getting it pressed up. No seriously, chorus that sounds like a 2-step Flipside harder not so rolling more had already been released and I'd this is so nearly a wicked track, but meets hip-hop, love it. broken beats, spooky fx and dark b- missed it. as I say it sounds unfinished a 2nd mix is in a harder style and line and that's just the intro. Badd IP strange off beat / broken beat style it's just as good just a different tune. that seems to be missing some flavour. Flipside More again is in a beats or something. Trying to hard hard Garage style and just as good Trace. Sonar to be different. as the other side a excellent collec- (Prototype) Out Now tion of tracks. This is a tune your know as soon as Never Give Up Curtis & Moore. JP you hear the first few echoing keys (Swing City) 8.5.98 and the smooth break beat. Then Four mixes on this one, vocal, when it drops after the break it's accapella 8. a couple of dub mixes to chose from, Bumpin' Dub is the 14 WORLD CUP WALL CHART 8 May 1998 WORLD CUP WALLCHART 15 Group Games Second Round Quarter Finals B Winner Group A Runner-up Group B Winner Match 2 A Winner Match 3 ] Brazil v Scotland r Morocco v Norway £ — Fj [J Italy v Chile Sat June 27, 8.00 Fri July 3, 3.30 Wed June 10, 4.30 ~] Cameroon v Austria [~_ Wed June 10, 8.00 Scotland v Norway Thur June 1 1, 4.30 Thur June 1 I, 8.00 T..„ I . 1 A A 3A ' 1 Brazil v Morocco I Tue June 16, 4.30 Chile v Austria ! Italy v Cameroon Tue June 16, 8.00 Brazil v Norway Wed June 17, 4.30 Wed June 17, 8.00 Winner Group B Runner-up Group A Winner Match 1 Winner Match 4 I Scotland v Morocco Tue June 23, 3.00 Tue ]une 23, 4.30 Italy v Austria ] Chile v Cameroon \~ Tue June 23, 8.00 Tue June 23, 3.00 Sat June 27, 3.30 - Q Fri July 3, 8.00

Winner Group D Runner-up Group C Winner Match 6 Winner Match 7

r

I I Saudi A v Denmark Q ]] Paraguay v Bulgaria [~ Spain v Nigeria Sun June 28, 8.00 Sat July 4, 8.00 Fri ]une 12, 8.00 - Fri June 12, 4.30 ] France v South A. [ Fri June 12, 1.30 Sat June 13, 1.30 France v Saudi A. Nigeria v Bulgaria ] Spain v Paraguay Q South A. v Denmark J Fri |une 19, 8.00 1 1 Thur June 18, 4.30 1 1 Thur June 18, 8.00 Fri June 19, 4.30 Runner-up Group D Winner Match 5 South A. v Saudi A. \ ~\ Nigeria v Paraguay \_ j Winner Group C Winner Match 8 France v Denmark 1 SpaiWed n|un ev 24 Bulgari, 8.00 a Wed June 24, 8.00 1 1 Wed June 24, 3.00 1 1 Wed June 24, 3.00 1 1 Sun June 28, 3.30 "; — Sat July 4, 3.30

Winner Group F Runner-up Group E ~\ South Korea v Mexico [_ J Holland v Belgium Q ] Yugoslavia v Iran f~ i Germany v USA Mon )une 29, 3.30 - Sat June 13. 4.30 Sat June 13, 8.00 Sun June 14, 4.30 Mon June 15, 8.00 Belgium v Mexico Holland v South Korea Germany v Yugoslavia Sat June 20, 4.30 USA v Iran Sat June 20. 8.00 Sun June 21, 1.30 1 1 Winner Group E \_ Runner-up Group F Holland v Mexico I Belgium v South Korea USSuAn Jun v eYugoslavi 21, 8.00 a [ Thur |une 25, 3.00 Germany v Iran Thur June 25, 3.00 ' ' TI I lc o rtr\ ' ' Thur June 25, 8.00 v Thur June 25. 8.00 n n Mon June 29, 8.00

Winner Group H Runner-up Group G

] England v Tunisia [ ~| Argentina v Japan ] Jamaica v Croatia [ Tue June 30, 8.00 — Mon June 15, 1.30 J Rumania v Columbia Sun June 14. 1.30 Sun June 14, 8.00 Columbia v Tunisia Mon June 1 5, 4.30 Japan v Croatia Argentina v Jamaica Winner Quarter-Final B Winner Quarter-Final D 1 1 1 1 1 1 Sat June 20. 1.30 Sun June 21, 4.30 Mon June 22, 4.30 Rumania v England Winner Group G Runner-up Group H V Mon June 22. 8.00 ~] Argentina v Croatia \__ Japan v Jamaica j Wed July 8. 8.00 Rumania v Tunisia Fri June 26, 3.00 Fri lune 26, 3.00 Fri June 26. 8.00 Columbia v England — Tue June 30, 3.30 — Fri June 26, 8.00

How it works: Each team plays first round games against the other threEnglane d move into the semi's...where the seeding suggests teams in their group. The top two teams in each group theBrazin l to be the opposition. If, miracle of miracles, we beat qualify to move into the knockout rounds, where the complithem- , which admittedly is highly unlikely (unless Scotland do cated seeding process should see games get increasingly us a favour and hospitalise Ronaldo in the first game), then tough. only one match remains, with Italy or Argentina favourites to For instance, if England win their group then they will plamaky e the final from their half of the draw. the runners-up in Group H - most likely Croatia. If they won that game, they'd play the winners of game 5 in the Quarter-So, who's going to win then? Well, in the words of Alan FRANCE V* Finals. Unfortunately, that'd probably be Germany. Sadly, Hanson, "football's a game of percentages", and with 90% of our track records against them hasn't been all that good thine footballing skill, talent and flair belonging to Brazil, in the recent years (bloody Waddle). shape of Romario, Juninho, Roberto Carlos and of course However, if the Germans do collapse, faced by the surRonaldo- . You'd be a fool to bet against them. prise of meeting England one round earlier than usual, or ifTh e World Cup - it's a long way from boys in the park, we can finally find someone capable of scoring penalties,jumper s for goalposts, being chased by parkie. Hmmm. MUSIC 8 May 1998

CLUBSCENE - COMPETITIONS

ell it's that time Q. What is Roger Sanchez's nick show on what radio station. tapes they can lay their hands on, again and I've got name ? a. Radio 1 so you'd better bring a truck. even more com- 1. Roger Rabbit b. Kiss FM Ideally they would like the logo petitions for you all this week. 2. The S-Man c. Heart 102. shown below elaborated on, mod- Remember the House Music 3. Sanchez Panchez. Entrys as usual to Felix office or ernised and expanded on. Movement &. The Sound of The e-mail me on [email protected]. Underground series I reviewed a his next competition is for all few issues back? What do you T of you who like their dance hey say all good things come mean no? Master Tones have con- music hard and upfront as T in threes. Calling all budding tinued their run with the release of you get the chance to win not one, designers: here's your two new sets from Roger Sanchez but four CDs from Harmless chance to show off your design and D] Alfredo respectively. records purveyors of quality compi- skills by creating a new logo for Now for competition 2. lation sets. Phuture Trax. I'm sure most of you Winners can sample House Music One lucky winner will be walk- don't even know who or what Movement's album sets from Doc ing off with Colin Dale's Mutant Phuture Trax are. Well, let me Martin and Roger Sanchez along- Disco, Loftgroovers' Speedcore explain, they are probably the side The Sound of The (nothing to do with speed garage), biggest and some would say the For more info call Jodie at Underground's Lisa Maria Norman Jay's The Sound of best PR company and record label Phuture Trax on 0171 357 004. Or Experience and D] Alfredo, and Philadelphia vol.1, and DJ Pogo's all under one roof, supplying peo- send entries to Phuture Trax, Unit enjoy Jonathan Flemings swish The Breaks (UK DMC scratch mix ple like me with records, CDs etc to 312, The Leather Market, Weston book What Kind Of House Party Is champion). review and play out. Did I mention Street, London, SE1 3ER and don't This? A most impressive collection of this is on a worldwide scale, so the forget, you can enter as many times Runners up can have both the CDs and all you have to do to win is winner will have their logo on all as you wish, so get designing. current albums. To win these quite answer the following question; their merchandise all over the excellent prizes all you have to do world. But you also win a huge jo Public is answer this very simple question: Q. Colin Dale has a weekly package of all the CDs, records and

CLUBSCENE - ALBUMS

JUICE Records Way Of Life EP 16B. Sounds From Another Room some old skool electro from Cabal (Eye Q) and even uplifting deep House Release Date : 1 st June * * * * 1/2 This, again, is an album that defies tracks, so there's something for categorisation coming from the everyone. You may think all these about that barking dog sound! highly impressive 16B. This album different styles wouldn't sit com- Walk Tall by Embee is a twists and turns, with nearly every fortably together but you'd be mis- absolutely killer track that's been track changing style and sound. taken. In some strange way, they all doing plenty of damage in the From funky down-beat tracks to fit together nicely, with the elec- clubs. When it drops you'd better soulful deep house and everything tronic (computer synthesised) feel i§ hold on tight or you'll be washed in between, this album has ali your being the common denominator. away by the phat hard stepping heart could desire. From 16B you'd This is one of the more adventurous beats, wicked time-stretched beats expect nothing but the finest, albums around at the moment. album sampler that keep building . Oh Cosh the smoothest production techniques,

1. "hunt 4Wt - Jf t*iC tHHIH' M.T.S (**« Swift remix is probably my favourite which, as ever, you get. Melody Global Underground - John Dig- t. ilBifjhUf" MMtomVM Cfc#-'_M !. "babyfa -pAtntwor qibih track from the Juice back-catalogue Maker called this an early contender weed in Sydney 4t "twrikliH" (Men and I've been waiting to hear how for album of the year, but, although f. "hgotfaKIWUTRIMIX" umtWnKmr ognnt «'$'*SI A double CD from John Digweed, a * "*ittr mnjtviwsrt <>?.!> you'd remix such a classic track. this is a good album, I feel you have DJ who from humble beginnings, Swift does well in keeping with the to be into the more downbeat side has made his name as one of the original rolling flavour and adds a of things to really appreciate it. A leading House DJs on the world his mini album / EP, whatever dark bass line and busting beats. It very pleasant and refreshing collec- stage, mainly by avoiding all the T you want to call it, features still sounds a little odd though. tion of beats that should do very hype and bullshit and by letting his three remixes of the best Finally Retry by Magistrate is much well. tune selection and mixing ability do tracks from the Juice back cata- more in the style of the recent 12" the talking. Unlike most House CDs logue: Hard Disk remixed by Zinc, releases: very futuristic sounding Dub Funk Association. you've seen this year, you won't be Babylon, Daz remix and Oh Cosh bubbling sub-bass, metallic beats Confrontation in Dub. -k-k-k-k able to find any chart toppers here. Swift remix. In the triple vinyl pack, FX with stabs of snares firing in now This is an album of remixes of tracks This is the second House CD I've you get these alongside three total- and then. taken from the last three albums heard this year that is a cheese free ly new tracks. If you prefer CDs, not This EP isn't a collection of cut- released by Dub Funk Association, zone with only the choicest cuts of only do you get the six previously ting edge upfront tracks, I'm sad to bringing together Reggae, Jazz, deep, trancey and experimental mentioned tracks but also another say but more a overall picture of Techno and House, combined with house being used. six tracks taken from the back cat- the labels past, present and future plenty of funk. For this album, they As you'd expect, the mixing is as alogue all chosen and mixed showing how their sound has pro- have asked various producers to seamless and progressive as always together by the don DJ Randall. gressed and developed over the remix any track from the three pre- with Digweed keeping it real. Many Hard Disk Zinc remix is a full on years. Highlighting the pivotal vious albums in any style. of the tracks will be unfamiliar even tearing amen affair as you might moments in the labels lifetime What you end up with is 16 tracks to the trainspotters out there, as expect from Zinc. Slaughter by gives a good indication of their ranging from the blunted Hip-Hop there are plenty of unreleased Undercover Agent is a dark menac- overall sound. joints of Part 2, Jah Rasta Dub work- tracks and dub plate pressure on ing roller with spacey sounds and Jo Public ings from Shotgun Rockers, and a these CDs. Tracks from Danny FX bringing you right back up to trancey house number from Spiral Tenaglia, Albion, Mortal, Deepsky, date. Babylon Daz remix is a clever Head, alongside smooth Drum and Paul Van Dyk and many more gives reworking bringing this massive Bass tracks by Fellowship and this mix a truly global feel. The first track into '98, but I'm not so sure Emdee (Splash Juice records), must have House CD of '98. JP 8 May 1998 MUSIC

CLUBSCENE the electric cam

Hi and welcome to the first Electric Cafe of to have this album in my collection, because some great hybrid sounds. Twists of hip- the summer term! If you're feeling down unlike a lot of dance fodder around today, this hop and funk with generous additions of break- because of the pressures of exams and final is a multi-purpose music. The first techno that beats. Captain Nemo's Escape is an excellent reports, etc we'll be bringing you a respite in really grabbed me was music that I felt had been example. Check out the combination of French the form of electronic music news, reviews, created by artists who wanted to move people ragga vocals and a Spanish guitar! Strange, but it artist features and some great CD competitions! and make them dance, but also wanted to trig- works. Le Gooster has produced a piece called If you're interested in features that will be ger their minds and emotions. All the music you Le Fusee a Polo. Some very disturbed and twist- appearing in the Cafe this term, then look out in will find on Play is in this vein. ed jazz sounds collide and react with a laid-back Felix for exclusive interviews with Colin Dale of Play has been put together by a Zurich- hip-hip beat. Once given the "Gooster treat- Kiss FM's Abstrakt Dance show, Russ Gabriel of based DJ called Minus 8. Watch out for that ment", and mixed with generous portions of live Ferox Records, King Kooba (who's album The name because if his mixing is as good as his scratching you have a track that would sit Imperial Solution is a storming work of track selection then I'm sure that he'll be play- proudly on any beats'n'blunts album from the drum'n'bass and was launched recently at The ing in London soon! Minus 8 also produced UK or US. Blue Note in London), Air Liquide (the German some of the tracks featured on the album. One of my favourite tracks here is from Bel techno outfit who played at London's very cool In fact the compilation kicks off with a Minus Air Project, a personal favourite of DJ Giles 333 Club in February) and (to be confirmed) Jeff 8 production called Recently at The Opera. This Peterson. The piece is called Full Contact and is Mills, a legendary DJ and producer from Detroit. features all the usual hallmarks of drum'n'bass completely fresh in, not only its sound, but it's Everyone who features in the Electric Cafe music; a solid bassline, frantic bursts of hi-hat approach to the creation of music. It is as if all on these pages will also be doing radio shows and complex rhythm patterns. It's what appears rules and accepted practices were thrown out of which you can listen to every Sunday underneath the structure of the piece that really the window in the quest for a totally new, don't- night/Monday morning on IC Radio (The grabbed me! I had imagined that this compila- give-a-fuck-sound. This track is definitely ahead Network) from midnight to 2am. Happy reading tion would be made up of some banging tracks of the pack; not quite drum'n'bass, not quite and listening! put together by Swiss kids in their bedroom who breakbeats; but who needs to catagorise it?; it's Those of you who came down to the Electric had perhaps heard all the more hardcore a treat to listen to! Cafe nights at Southside last term will be inter- drum'n'bass. In fact the maturity and subtlety of Spacious by Differenz is another awesome ested to know that The Electric Cafe is moving the moods of the tracks on offer here are, at yet unusual track. If soul music could be trans- across Campus to IC Union for a special one-off times, simply breathtaking! Recently at the lated into computer code then this would be it! session on Friday 22nd May. I'll be playing the Opera features delicate snatches of orchestral Very chilled music with plenty of subtle chill-out room of the Hedonizm night. If you're samples, infused with light electronic sounds. melodies floating around dreamily; all held interested in listening and chilling to a variety of The result is a moody but extremely listenable together with a strong rhythm. 1 can't easily cutting-edge electronic music, then come along piece of music. describe this track, you'll just have to listen for for a break from those exams. The main floor The next track (Not enough Love by Mas-P), yourselves! will be in the very capable hands of the regular again has an energetic beat and bassline, but Minus 8's second track of the album is union dance DJs mixing up a selection of harder with some light and fluffy sounds complement- called A Touch of Evil. It starts off as a typical. beats. ing a female vocal track, the result is a piece that piece of jazzy drum'n'bass, but then some quite This week I wanted to carry on where I left can move your butt, or create a chilled-out abstract and smooth string sounds completely off last term. Drum'n'bass is mainly regarded as atmosphere. turn the trek on its head. Excellent! a musical style that was born and bred in the As well as drum'n'bass, this album features More drum'n'bass follows, in the form of UK, and quite rightly so. However, it tracks from Skrupel and The Herbalist seems that recently there has been a Foundation P. Brotherhood. 1 was lot of British snobbery directed at particularly impressed by the work of music of this genre that has been The Herbalist Foundation. The track coming out of Europe and the US they produced is called Summertime lately. If music is really an art form and, although strictly a drum'n'bass then I think that this is not in the spir- affair, features some really cool it of creation, and not really helping blunted effects on the rhythm that young producers and DJs who have gives a less clean but more laid-back obviously been inspired and moved feel. Not hectic; not booming; this is to carry on the progression of new music with a groove! sound form. The album comes to an end with Last term I featured an interview two real treats. First Up is AMP's Is from Fauna Flash, Germany's most Isn't, a real technoid piece of d'n'b successful drum'n'bass exports who with some really nice variations in have been largely ignored. This week- rhythm. Again this ties ties in with the end I wanted to talk about a great mood of the album; groovy not slam- new album called Play on Sideburn ming! 4D from Super is a real trip! Records. This is as experimental as you can Play is a collection of tracks that get in hip-hop, so if you're tired of can best be categorised as falling the same old thing in that genre, do within or being closely aligned to the check this out! The track is hypnotic drum'n'bass category of electronic and very relaxed with different music. All the artists who have con- sounds drifting in and out of the tributed tracks come from audio horizon! Very atmospheric Switzerland. I think that you would stuff. be hard pressed to find a fresher col- If you're looking for something lection of new music. All the pieces different that is pushing forward on the album follow the formula of musical boundaries and that will drum'n'bass or hip-hop, but all have challenge your tastes, then do check a distinctly different atmosphere to out the sound of Switzerland! them. I am also particularly grateful al;ck. The Pit Stop Challenge... May 29th, Beit Quad

ANDERSEN CONSULTING

An exciting opportunity for you to experience the pressure of the Pit Stop: You and your team will be racing against the clock to change the tyres and re-fuel a real

Formula 1 Williams car

ANDERSEN CONSULTING PIT STOP CHALLENGE APPLICATION FORM Team Name: Preferred time: (between 12-5pm) Team Members: 1. 2. 3. 4. How to apply: 1. Fill in this application form - extra forms are available from Mark Home in the Union office 2. Return it to Mark Home by Friday 22 May 1998 (teams will be drawn out of a hat) 3. Check if your team has been picked (and if so, what time you have been allocated) on the schedule which will be posted up in the Union office on Wednesday 27 May 1998

Rules: 1. All teams must have four members 2. All teams must arrive in Beit Quad at least 10 minutes before their scheduled time 3. All teams must have a sense of humour

Hishlishts of the day will include: > Lots of prizes >Bar and BBQ > A larger than life scalextric > Videos > Remote control cars 8 May 1998 BOOKS

FICTION

SUCKER Lana Citron

boyfriend's best mate, who's of the protagonists are Irish- tentious media/PR world that Ms defending Bea's boyfriend's ex-flat- Catholic girls, presumably like Lana Citron is so keen to distance herself mate on a charge of raping some- Citron, and the others can loosely from. one who just might turn out to be be described as their men. This isn't really a great book. It's Bea's best friend, who picks up Obviously, Sucker doesn't refer to quite well written, and it's certainly men at random, who lives with her cute little girls with lollipops, both confusing and entertaining, as sugar daddy, who's wife's best although the heroine does dress up well as being fast-paced and effort- friend's godson is accused of raping to attract semi-paedophilic men by lessly modern in it's style. With Bea's best friend, who recently wearing a tight tee-shirt and hair summer coming up, and the mass appeared, in her scanties, in a slides. She pulls a yob, apparently exodus of sun-seekers, it'll probably series of articles about so-called her type, although I preferred the sell well to the reading on the rape victims by Bea's slimy, treach- sophistication of Bea's boyfriend's beach public. I wouldn't recom- erous ex-boyfriend, who knows divorced best friend, who I think mend it as a serious piece of fiction Bea's boyfriend's current flatmate, she ends up with. 1 don't want to for the discerning reader, though. If who bet Bea's boyfriend that he, spoil the ending for you, though. you buy it, then you're the sucker Bea's boyfriend's current flatmate, According to the press release, and deserve everything you get. could bed Bea's unattractive flat- the book tears a strip off the pre- You have been warned. mate, who is a psychic in her spare tensions of 1990s twenty-some- time and told Bea that her future things, and provides a blistering Julia H and Ben A involved two men, so now Bea's insight into the dating game and (guess which bits he wrote) sure that her current boyfriend who the darker side of the sex-war. By onesty is always the best she loves will dump her, and that that, I think they mean that one of Published by Random House, H policy, and not wishing to her slimy, treacherous ex- the girls isn't afraid to use her sex- £9.99 deceive the gentle reader, boyfriend, who she doesn't love, uality as a weapon, and the other is Available: Now I'll say what 1 think about this book will shag her and dump her again. keener to shack up/marry someone straight away. This book is really The book, however, doesn't make and give up thinking. I preferred the poor. this as clear as it is here. powerful one, although I kept on People are interlinked. Bea's Sucker is a first novel about wanting to tell her to grow up. Oh best friend shagged Bea's London and 90's Londoners. Two well. Obviously I'm part of the pre-

EVERYTHING WE LOVE CAN BE SAVED Alice Walker

lice Walker is a writer of oppression. children from forty thousand feet, YTiiiNG WE lovt: (.; integrity; a womanist, an As a woman of colour growing as in Iraq?" ASi.activist , a believer in the up in the American Deep South This is not a "mainstream" book. Goddess and a truly wonderful, during the period of American It will not appeal to many of you at beautiful person. Her writing covers apartheid, she knew poverty, vio- first glance. Reading it, however, a great deal, from fiction to essays, lence and discomfort. Yet she also you feel its' power, and its' passion. prose to poetry. Most people will knew love and tolerance. Her This book is extremely important to be familiar with at least the title of mother was clearly a potent force women, to men, to everyone who her most famous book, The Colour in her life, and her death obviously thinks and feels, and who can see Purple, a semi-biographical story of had a great effect on her. Many of the injustices in the world. I was women of colour in the American her essays feature a caring mother- profoundly moved by many of her Deep South. This was later made figure, who nurtures and protects, essays, and found myself laughing into a film by Steven Spielberg, and stress her importance in all our aloud over others. This book will starring another wonderful woman lives. Our mothers teach us how to make you want to be a better, of colour, Whoopi Goldberg. live, and how to die. more thoughtful, more caring per- In this collection of essays, she Alice Walker doesn't like to be son. I strongly recommend it. writes about a wide spectrum of called a feminist, preferring wom- Julia H topics, essays on the Gulf War, anist, because she acts for women. female genital mutilation, Winnie She is acutely aware of the dangers Published by the Women's Press Mandeta, Fidel Castro, dreadlocks to women of a patriarchal, or a Price 31 1.99 and her cat. She includes some male dominated society. Where- Available: Now poetry, in a selection entitled "What ever women are suppressed or Can I Give My Daughters Who Are oppressed, she will be there speak- Brave?". The poems she chooses ing out for them. She is a strong m are poignant and have echoes in all critic of American foreign policies, our lives. Every sentence she writes especially their blockade of Cuba shows her humanity, her compas- and the Gulf War. As she says, "If I sion and her believe in the deep would rather die myself than run good of people, despite all the evils over a child in the street, how can 1 she sees in life; racism, sexism and possibly accept squashing a million 20 FILM 8 May 1998

REVIEWS AND COMPETITIONS

SCREAM 2 David Arquette Starring: Neve Campbell, Courteney Cox, Director: Wes Craven

his is how sequels should be make part three). And, I promise, T made - the same winning for- you'll never guess who did it. mula that made the first film The one down side is Wes such a success, a damn fine plot, Craven's directing. Although bril- which develops the character out- liantly controlling the tension in the lines presented in the first film, plus "horror" scenes, he simply isn't any an amazing degree of self referenc- good at "normal" film-making. ing. In fact, so strongly are some of Blasting over-the-top soundtrack the jokes, and indeed the plot music (which he's lifted from itself, reliant on Scream, that I Broken Arrow, where it was cheesy would suggest anyone who hasn't enough to start with) simply isn't yet seen the first film do so before necessary. watching Scream 2. Fortunately, however, any Neve Campbell returns to star errors on Wes Craven's part are once again, and although she's more than adequately made up for now moved to College her past via Kevin Williamson's script. continues to follow her. On the Turning an ironic eye over the opening night of Stab, a film about genre, the film, the plot and even the murders in Scream written by the principal actors previous Courteney Cox's amoral reporter careers (the Friends references are Gale Weathers, the masked mur- great), without for one moment derer strikes. And so the cycle geeky film student Randy (one of then includes all these elements slipping into farce, he still manag- begins again... four characters to survive from the over the course of the next ninety ing to keep you on the edge of your Obviously, the best thing about original) lists the central tenets of a minutes, whilst still managing to seat for the full two hours. You sim- Scream was the way the film man- horror sequel. It must be more gory send up the entire concept of the ply won't believe that this is the aged to send-up the entire horror than the first film; the death sequel. This culminates in a final man also responsible for the the genre, whilst still being a horror scences must be more elaborate; scene which utterly breaks the final travesty that was / Know What You flick. In this, Scream 2 is even more the body-count must be higher. rule - never ever kill off the bad-guy Did Last Summer. 1*1 successful. Early on in the film, Brilliantly, writer Kevin Williamson for sure (otherwise, how can you Dave

BREAKOUT Win tickets galore courtesy of Starring: William McNamara, Maria Pitillo, Tom Conti Director: John Hough

f you want to see a really good I film, then I'd definitely recom- mend that you avoid "Something to Believe in" like the plague. Believe in life, believe in love, believe in yourself, believe in miracles (so the film's blurb tells us), believe that this is really bad. KENSINGTON If you're still interested after that intro. the plot is as follows. Monica meet Frank, Daniel and To enter simply email your Maggie (Pitillo), a blackjack dealer Laurence is described as "this years answer to [email protected], in Las Vegas, discovers she has a Four Weddings &. A Funeral". You before Monday evening. fatal affliction and has a few weeks know how it is - American girl flies to live. So, she decides to set off into London, the guy on the plane The answers to last week's to Italy to be healed by a statue of next to her falls in love with her. poser was: Kevin Williamson wrote the Madonna. On the way she Then the guy in the airport, then last years / know what you did last meets Mike (McNamara), a strug- the guy in the park....Only they're summer, the sequel to which will gling pianist going to a competi- best friends. Will it work? Is it be appearing later this year. He tion, and they fall in love. But is funny? You have your chance to definitely didn't write Halloween. their love doomed because she is decide, even before the review hits So there. dying? Can the statue save her, or these pages, with free tickets cour- The first five names out of the is it just a fake? - you'll just have to tesy of those lovely people at the Felix hat were: wait to see the sickeningly pre- Odeon Kensington. For your T McCartney dictable conclusion of the film. chance win, tell us; Stephane Bouvet At one point I thought the film A Simpson might be trying to take the piss out Martha meet... stars Monica Folarin Majekodunmi of itself, but it was just too shit. Potter whose last big screen out- Beng K Ooi The acting was bad; the plot bor- ing was as Nicholas Cage's wife Please drop into the office to ing; the script lifeless. There's a in which of last summer's block- pick up your prizes. nice bit of piano playing though.D busters? Adam ICU Cinema's First Ever Preview Oliver Stone Presents... Gravesend

"Truly excellent, brilliant sense of humour and dialogue, very funny." LOADED "Gravesend, is as gritty, groovy and gorgeously grim as extra low budget movie-making goes." vox "Strong performances and a macabre sense of humour make this film efficiently different." TIMEOUT Due to be released in the UK June/July 1998 to members Sun 10th May 8:00pm

3 _Q Starring Morgan Freeman Is & Anthony Hopkins 31

CO Qi Amistad 08 o

= O Weds 13th May 6 pm 0) o *-> & Thurs 14th May 8.30pm co CO Starring Morgan Freeman ZD « Kiss The Girls O o Weds 13th May 9pm 1 jo UJ 're .9-'- £ -= '

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Thurs 14th May 6pm 22 ARTS 8 May 1998

THEATRE

ACROSS THE BRIDGE New End Theatre

pril 1945: The war is end- survivors, who meet up for the happen? The consequences still A ing, and the Germans, keen first time in the Beth Salom reverberate in the Jewish commu- for their atrocities to remain Holocaust Memorial Centre fifty- nity today; some wounds never hidden, evacuate the Death one years. Both are severely trau- heal. camps. Thousands of weak and matised by the terrible experiences The play will cause you to starving Jewish women and chil- they have shared, both denied the think deeply, to look at your own dren are forced to march to Holocaust by not speaking about treatment towards others. We Liepzig, to go across the bridge to it, or admitting that it had hap- today are fortunate in that we live freedom. Many never make it; pened to them, both are relieved in a time of comparative stability, some die of starvation, some of to speak to each other, to share of comparative tolerance towards exhaustion, those who fall out of their burdens which no one else others, especially in this country. It line are shot or beaten to death. could ever comprehend. The play is vital that we maintain this stabil- The only food they were given was recounts their meeting, through ity, however precarious it might a handful of raw rice, which they lighting, through sound, through seem, lest we fall prey to a new had to queue for. The only way clever staging. It is a moving expe- regime of dictators. Please go and they survived was through their rience, and the entire audience see this play, it is so important to immense willpower and faith. was weeping by the end. everyone. It is not strictly enjoy- Traumatised for years, the sur- The sufferings that these peo- able, but it will give you much to vivors continued to suffer the ple went through cause anything think about. after-effects of their ordeal. Like in we suffer to pale into almost Julia H the trenches of the First World insignificance. The Holocaust is a lifer* War, the lucky ones died. period of history that future gener- This powerful and evocative ations will look back at in disbelief. play tells the story of two of the How did it happen? Why did it

BOTTLED NOTES FROM UNDERGROUND: SMALL ADS CONTEMPORARY PLAYS BY JEWISH WRITERS Musicals

The Barbican are showing "lost n my vain attempts to broaden in their field. Sonja Linden, one of be interested in this book, all I can musicals" as part of their I my mind, I read all of these the playwrights, the author of The do is to tell you about it, and help Inventing America season. plays at a sitting, in bed whilst Jewish Daughter, featured in Felix publicise future performances. The Composers include George and nursing a hangover. By the end of 1101, has written a passionate and works are worth getting to know: Ira Gershwin, Cole Porter and the book, I was not only feeling difficult play, called Strange the Holocaust was a such a huge Stephen Sondheim. I've got more better, but I had far more of an idea Passenger, about the life of the part of our history, and a terrible details in the Felix Office, so come about the Jewish condition, if I can composer Victor Ullman. This play example of man's inhumanity to in and ask if you're interested. call it that. For all my studying of is multi-faceted, and extremely man. I think that Jewish people GCSE history, 1 really had no idea of complicated, as well as being would appreciate these plays the Jazz the impact that the Holocaust had excellent. most, but 1 think that everyone on people's lives, nor how bad the The most amusing play is a should become familiar with some Deborah Harry and the Jazz troubles in Israel really were for the black comedy by David Scheider Jewish writers, in order to appreci- Passengers are at the Barbican on people living there. Now, with called The Eleventh ate a different slant on life. 28 May. They are fantastic, so Israel celebrating 50 years of self- Commandment, about a good Julia H hurry up and get your tickets determination, and rumours of a Jewish boy, who falls for an atheist For more information, contact me before they're all sold out. possible peace settlement in the girl. Concerning the relationship at the Felix Office Although now: The Tide is High, wind, it seems pertinent to write with his mother, this is a funny and but I'm Holding On (Arts Editor about the current state of Israel intelligent debut play, with surreal carted off by men in white coats and Jewish people. aspects generally only found in burbling about hair-dye) Since I started reading Brecht Tom Stoppard's works. during last summer, I have become My favourite play was the first Help!! increasingly more interested in one, The Yiddish Trojan Women, Jewish writers and writings. concerning the relationship Wanted: More arts reviewers. Obviously, no people can escape between four women, a grand- Everyone has exams, especially their past, and the great strength mother, a stand-up comic, a union- me, and I need some dedicated and courage of German, Austrian ist and a teacher of Greek people interested in other things and Polish Jews never ceases to Mythology. This play by Carole as well as their degrees to come amaze me. The tortures they suf- Braverman, revives the tragic clas- and go to plays and art galleries, fered were immense, and still sical story by Euripides, but sets it and then write about them. Post- reverberate in the community in modern New York. grads and medics especially today, both in the survivors and in All the works in this book are wanted, but anyone interested their children. sensitively written, thoughtful, should come into the Felix Office Each of the featured play- poignant and in places, extremely and either ask for Julia, or email wrights are award-winning writers funny. I don't know if many would me on [email protected]. 8 May 1998 ARTS

MORE THEATRE

THE REAL INSPECTOR HOUND & BLACK COMEDY Comedy Theatre

the play they've come to extremely funny. The plot is (Anna Chancellor), the blonde review. This play within a play almost impossible to describe; Philadelphia girl (Sarah is an Agatha Christie pastiche, 1 can only say that it is confus- Crowe), someone who looks and it becomes clear that all is ing, cunning and comic. astonishingly like a friend of not as it seems, especially as Black Comedy, the second mine and an actor who you'll the critics are dragged into the play, is a rarely performed recognise and, if you're like play, and the actors take over farce from the Sixties, where me, will be absolutely unable the role of the critics. the familiar of light and dark to place. They're all extremely Wonderful moments include are reversed: when the actors good, and fit the dual roles Lady Muldoon in a cocktail can see, we cannot, when a they have to play. Both plays dress, high heels and perfectly fuse blows on stage, the the- had me almost crying with arranged stockings, coming in atre is suddenly floodlit. Again laughter, and are well worth through the French windows, the plot is almost totally inde- going to see. The theatre is "I'll kill you for this, Simon having obviously just finished a scribable, descending as it gorgeous as well, one of those Gascoigne!" game of tennis, Mrs Drudge does into complete farce. In little London theatres with Anna Chancellor as Lady Muldoon switching on the radio to hear essence, it involves an artist more space inside than you'd a police warning about a mad- and his fiancee who are unable believe possible from the man, believed to be a tall to marry unless her military facade. Hurry up and get your t could be said that both young man in a grey suit father gives his permission. He tickets, the run ends in twelve I these plays lack eclat, and behaving suspiciously in the will only do this of the artist weeks. show a complete disregard neighbourhood, and a tall can sell his sculptures to an Julia H for elan. It is true, however, young man in a grey suit, eccentric and profoundly deaf that they represent an entire behaving suspiciously, entering millionaire. Add to this a spin- generation, and express the through the French windows as ster discovering alcohol, and dissatisfaction of a disembod- she stands there with her extremely camp neighbour and ied society. mouth open, and the body, a German philosopher working The first of these plays, The which lies on the floor and is as an electrician, and you have Real Inspector Hound, is a glo- ignored by the entire compa- a sparkling witty farce. Did I rious Tom Stoppard satire on ny, until the police inspector mention the ex-girlfriend who critics and criticsm, with the points it out to them. The play returns to cause havoc? dialogue alternating between is extremely surreal in parts, Both plays have the same the philandering critics in the but due to the wit and bril- cast, featuring Duckface from audience and the first night of liance of the writing remains Four Weddings and A Funeral

SAUCY JACK AND THE SPACE VIXENS Queen's Theatre

efore the show started we men/women. Through a stroke of edly kinky, was simple and yet not that it didn't quite succeed in the B were anticipating something luck, one of the Space Vixens finds clearly portrayed,making it surpris- West End and that it lacked sub- truly cosmic, as we were out who the killer is, and the reper- ingly hard to follow. Although in stance. As a bit of fun, however, presented with a scene of stars and cussions of this change the lives of parts very amusing, the majority of you'd be hard pressed to find any- spaceships. The programme came all the characters. the humour was cheap, 'Carry-On' thing trashier. Its main virtue was with a glossary of terms, which was The stellar landscape was style innuendo, making it seem less the music and the costumes too full of outrageous humour, and replaced by a cluttered and sup- sentimental than most West-End were impressive (sci-fi/trendy). promised a 'post modern musical posedly sleazy bar that bore little musicals, but it still lacked original- We reckon 6/10. which raised an intergalactic fist up relevance to space and remained ity - we'd heard it all before. at convention.' the only scenery used throughout They did feel, however, that it Judith and Christian What we got, however, was a the rest of the show. Once it found was necessary to include the stan- cross between a tame version of its feet, the music was well per- dard recipe of boy/girl meets the Rocky Horror Show and formed, funky and modern (includ- boy/girl (pick a combination) by Forbidden Planet that didn't really ing an excellence sax solo) with a pairing off everyone at the end, work. The story was partly narrated refreshingly unsentimental and apparently merely to add some res- by an 'intergalactic' psychoanalyst, unrefined feel. olution to the thin plot. One of the a frequenter of Saucy Jack's, a The most memorable charac- characters that was killed even seedy bar where several cabaret ter, Booby, the dreamy waitress came back to life so that the vixen, artists have recently been mur- played by a man (David Ashley) Bunny wouldn't be left alone. dered by the Slingback Killer, an was the only really convincing char- Two out of the four couples elusive character whose weapon is acter although the others, while were homosexual which added to a sequinned stiletto. generally not making an impression the quirky and camp atmosphere, To the rescue come the appar- were at times very entertaining and especially since the two men 'came ently telepathic Space Vixens, three energetic. Ashley's part was not out' as plastic fetishists half way sassy disco divas who get a little overacted and he made the charac- through. Perhaps better suited to distracted from the job in hand ter immediately likeable. its original format as a fringe show (ahem) by handsome young The story line, while light-heart- in the Edinburgh Festival, we found 24 CAPITAL 8 May 1998

DIVERSIONS FOR THE NEXT SEVEN DAYS

BUST-A-GUT COMEDY Banana/nan Diamanda Galas The Power of the Poster Labyrinth @ The Pleasure

CLUB Royal Festival Hall, Iv1 : E..J' r: of'!!'.' KOlX. V&A, South Kensington The Daily Telegraph Open The Simpsons £i5-£7,50. Free to students . H: .i, i'vSS Mic Semi-Final. 10 new Dale Watson Next door acts plus compere Chris Watermans Arts Centre, nd 1 i/tili'SSS | il.iu.i'.M lii! :.)(' ! Addison £2.50 dBs. ' " 1.0, BBC I £8. '?..'><;, ;.'ji.i, :>. o.:,o Chicago 'iV'C'i (kVVOi.:

Doors open 8pm '.':<; v .'iiy tc"i>..',':;:. v-./O: Also 20, Virgin Hammersmith Adelphi Theatre, Strand, '.'in,' 'iilJ .'/iiiiiOi.

SHAFT - 70's & 80's trashy !J.: < I !> r-i;i Borderline, Tube: Charing Cross r.'.-,!'.. :.!' i.'i.'r".:' ii,i'o pop and disco, plus chill ' !. HFI . £8, Odeon Kensington £!5-£33.50 ..:o 0'ifi , . out room and cocktail ViOriMdng fj| 'OfJC'i v/i'v Pat Metheny Group ',49 9 10, l/.OViiii bar. Free before 9/£ I " .. i. 'i Shepherds Bush Empire, after. £17,50,

The Eurovision Song ' :. ... Breakdown Lovecrafi;,; , La Costa Nostra presents Contest 8 10pm, BBC I 'ill ''. .!'.' !,. I - Kurt Russell chases '>-: .7 i: ! i.'hOon I ...iilny Saturday Night Fever (3rd The annual musical cr; uooo down the man who's 90 I", 19 IMS: KO.r B-day Bash) @ Camden fest comes round once kidnapped his wife. lifMy, 1,7. in. |,'l p;; Palace, NWI again This year has th Underground Garage added bonus of being Odeon Marble Arch As Thousands Cheer with Back to Back specials

staged in Britain (cos v IM 2.05, 4.25, 6.45, 9.15 |. 1 , i I ' }! from Mikee B, Spoony & won last year), and thi ':-:/} UCI Whiteleys Sili' 00r Timi Magic. Nigel Benn & is presented by well 2.45, 5.05, 7.25, 9.40 ' '• : ' .'.,: jyy.s .:,. 'if :|i- I-, DJ Ride-F more. 9pm- known Brits Terry Woe i. ii. >i':-V't--.''.l ! 'OOOy Odeon Kensington 7am Tickets £13.50 + BF and Ulrika Jonsson, ''„'. i 7.10, 9.40 more on the door

Bim Sherman Something to Believe In Vong Phaophanit note/ The Theatre El 7, JlV'.r ,"u"i'.VI lf:(i.'i. Royal Festival Hall, South : i.'' 'i Mi £8. £6. i L.V.I.VI in!:.»... ;'::;; :. Bank, Tube: Waterloo in ;: i .' 11"

'',pi.'l:i:M'!-iv.ii.f;ri; ,01 J':.'"-, .-Ii'ii I (i.'iOlK.I tv/i Our Lady of Sligo O'li.iO O.:.:!.':.i:-,. 'ii"

Cottesloe. National I': ' ;„ irrm Ooo.voirj Theatre, South Bank, /pm OO'iTil. i.O/'l ivlKIt: 00, ./ ,;0, ( >:). 9.00 Tube: Waterloo Hi;!' O'/i /,:'/0':-':.i ' ' ' ':."' --.a £17, £12 .9.30 9 10

Teletubbies 10 00, BBC2 .v.i.lr..; >: The Big Lebowski Young .Americans 2 Club Tropicana @ The Aouaium. 5.0 The hype may have died - Classy, funny, bril H.f S.i, HI.s ii 'Ooilcry, 90.0 Gardening Club. Covent down, but they're still out liantly made. Must see, ii.-;:.,li0.i;y 'Su.'d |,!i;. Garden. there, weird as ever. i:iMf>v,-!ii;. f 7 ,:>:i. Phil Brill & DJ Alice and The Bodyguard 9 00, ITV ABC Tottenham Court Rd introducing 3 new DJs. Kevin Costner again 1.20. 3.55. 6.40, 9.25 , ,/ ., ' House 'n' Garage.

demonstrates his charm Warner West End '-i ;:! i„. i: '.. I i. I hSil/iS! 9pm-3am. £5/£3Mem.

ing ability to emulate a 1.00. 3.50, 6 40, 9.30 ' ' I' ! I ' Drinks from £ I between piece of woods thats lost Virgin Chelsea 9pm-1 Ipm. i.'ifr.;,, ii'n ' V: i) the will to live. 12 15, 3.00, 6 00, 8 30 Film 98 11.25, BBC I

STA BAR TRIVIA , . 12.00, 0,1 Lester Bowie And Brass '. :' ' .-. Estorick Collection of

il!f,:yp; loyi.l.; oy i.hf. Win £50 or a crate of Fantasy /Oily' <;l,.i..j! I;:,y Modern Italian Art Label Launrh Party @ , , ,,. i l.'if lager. DaVinci's 8pm. Barbican, EI7.50-E9.50. rind 0<3. i\.;-n if'. (.';!' I Estorick Academy, Oi 0 :'' ' (:-(ivS((StSSB Fatback Band '! I!':! 'l.jSO Northampton Lodge, 39a UK l/i<':(H.n::ii:,,f! :.i:,r..n, i'ho Real Rooms ton Jazz Cafe, £15, £12.50. Cannonbury Street, Tube: Creators <:. ' i'. .'I!.''" Highbury & Islington /Viiii iiU|Si!^ 1 (IV,. ', 00, ». 00 Odeon Marble Arch Naked I 2.0'.. 10';. >s 00 Playhouse Theatre, Northumberland Avenue, 2 00, 'I tjV. 0.00 9pm lam. Vfk-X.

Match of the Day - Sliding Doors : "i Sniper @ LA2 Charring M.rJwoc* exam European Cup Winners . '.:' - Gwenyth Paltrow V'lf.r.'itifii? CMlii'vy. Cross Rd. Playing live Cup Final, 7 30 BBC I 12 Pirn. , i ". Ill, stars in a multi-dimen KC>-.-.'!>{ji.c:>!i ''.,i!Of::ii,, Info. 0171 627 8288. Can Chelsea become the I. 'O U0. sional comedy, receiving .ill . ill 'I Swerve @ Velvet Rooms first English team to pick Country Joe McDonald rave reviews. Charring Cross Rd. WC2 up a European title since The Real Inspector Hounc| Upfront D&B. Resident Katrina & the Waves? ii.'..t .';!.'t UCI Empire & Black Comedy I Fabio. ER 9 00, C4 FI2 ; 10 1.00, 3.30, 6.00, 8.30 ''.OiilCl'iy 'IIIMI'.'C. '0-1! III,/! I0pm-2.30am. £6 /Nus Death, heartache, car Virgin Fulham Road £4 Info: 0171 734 4687 nage and destruction, TV 1.50,4.10,6.30,8.50 ' doesn't get much better

DaVinci's Cocktail Night. The Cramps njnk, Henry Moore at the From 5pm Astoria, £tbc. National Gallery ,1, i . : i'-Oi ! The National Gallery, i'vhi'Xl. i The Ben Elton Show Wvdrtinstivi i ;.iliMoi;iy> Trafalgar Square, Tube: k'OcKf" (Ai..| 10 Charing Cross V| im /ar.'i ). Odeon Kensington : '. i i .; 7 70, 9.35 The Misanthrope Uve and Dangerous Virgin Chelsea Piccadilly Theatre, 0i5, 3 15, 0,4 5, 9,!0 Denman Street, Tube: Virgin Ealing Piccadilly Circus, £9 lechno I0pm-2am. £6 2.50. 9 00, / 10, 9 20 Info 0171 734 4687 Friday BUST-A--GUT comedy club With Chris Addison 70's disco & 80's pop and 10 new acts h chill out room. £2.50. 8pm dBs £1 after 9/free b4

STA BAR TRIVIA Win £50 or a crate of lager. DaVinci's 8.30 Wednesday

8-12. Free Thursday DAVI NCI'S COCKTAIL NIGHT Hosted by

STAR OF C4'S STAND-UP SHOW "CAS"

TUESDAY StH MAY CARDIFF UNIVERSITY STUDENTS UNION * * THE TERMINAL Doors: 8.00pm / Box office: 01222 387 a21 * THURSDAY 7 th MAY FARNBOROUCH COLLEGE OF TECHNOLOGY STUDENTS UNION THE SUB CLUB ^ Doors: 8.00pm / Box office: 01252 407 145 FRIDAY StH MAY * IMPERIAL COLLEGE UNION LONDON * fJB'S, BEIT QUAD Doors: B.aopm / Box Office: 0171 594 8068 SATURDAY BtH MAY LOUGHBOROUGH UNIVERSITY STUDENTS UNION * COMEDY CLUB Doors: 7.30pm / BOX Office: 01509 632011 SUNDAY lOtH MAY EDINBURGH UNIVERSITY STUDENTS ASSOCIATION PLEASANCE SOCIETIES CENTRE Doors: 7.30pm / BOX Office: 0131 650 2349 ^ MONDAY lltH MAY STAFFORDSHIRE UNIVERSITY STUDENT UNION ODVSSEV Doors: 7.00pm / BOX Office: 01782 294 310 TUESDAY 12th MAY LIVERPOOL UNIVERSITY GUILD OF STUDENTS UNCLE PIEHEAD'S COMEDY PARLOUR BRUNEL UNIVERSITDoors: 7.30pm / BOY X OfficeUNIO: 015N1 70O9 910F 8 STUDENTS THE ACADEMY SATURDAY IStH MAY Doors: 7.45pm / Box Office: 01895 813 504 THURSDAY 28th MAY BRITAIN'S BIGGEST SEARCH BIRMINGHAM UNIVERSITY GUILD OF STUDENTS THE JOKE JOINT Doors: 8.30pm / Box Office: 0121 693 0907 FOR NEW COMEDY STARS Tickets: C2.50 If you would like to enter next year's competition please send your name and address to: 1999 Daily Telegraph Open Mic Award, PO BOX 13018, London WC2H 7BH * SEMI-FINALS * or call 0891 887766 "SIIVIF^LY BSRILLIJANT" ICAMSCOST50PPERMINUTEATA"* Mrs Merton star Caroline Aherne Applicants must never have been previously paid for a stand-up comedy gig 26 FICTION 8 May 1998

T H S W I N 3 FOR P I 3 S 0 N N 3

Caspar vqr^ftre&e 4B#^tthe age of 54, my grandfather played a game of cricket that changed the rest of his life. A badly played struck hlra on the forehead and knocked him unconscious for two minutes. When he came round he appeared to be reasonably uninjured, apart from a spreading purple bruise and a touch of amnesia. His team-mates thought he didn't need a doctor and told him to go home and lie down. This he did and Immediately fell Into a coma-like sleep, not reawakening for thirty-six hours. When he finally reopened his eyes under beneath the watchful gaze of my grandmother he complained of a crippling headaohe and a bizarre defect in his vision. Two days later, at the local hospital, he was diagnosed as having the very rare condition of achromatopsia. He had lost the ability to see colour. My grandfather, a great fan of French painting, was plunged Into an alien world filled with shades of grey and

abhorrent black. It was a world he never left again until his death. Following the accident he suffered massive depres

sions and became very seriously ill for many months. However, he was a very strong man with a legendary determination

and he recovered. For a time he could eat only food that appeared natural to him, such as black olives, yoghurt, white

rice, black coffee, but this effect gradually disappeared. He removed every painting from his vicinity and replaced

them with sombre black and white pictures; art galleries he never entered again. He used to wear green sunglasses to

improve the contrast of his vision and accentuate perception of boundaries and form. Those sunglasses were one of the

many fascinating Idiosyncrasies of my grandfather, many of which branded him an eccentric In some peoples' eyes, but

never so in mine. The My grandfather died at the age of 81. I was 14 years old. He suffered a stroke, which left him comatose. Briefly before the heart attaok which killed him, however, he was conscious, for one precious hour. By some divine coincidence my family was present in his hospital room as he was awake and it is a brief moment In my life I will never f' details of the room will remain with me always: its intrinsic sterility which all my mothers flowers could nev pel, the somehow pleasant but frightening smell of antiseptic soap, the low murmur of activity in the corridor side. Most vividly, though, my grandfather himself. Propped up on pillows, his face still exuding humour, con! love of life, untouched by morbidity, but more than this, the fact that he was crying. It was never established what happened in his head the day it was struck by the cricket ball. The brain ! fantastically Intricate than can be imagined, and its workings will remain Impenetrable to science for a long come. Maybe a handful of microscopic neurones lost their lifelong contact with one another, or possibly a tin burst, starving some vital nerve complex of blood. What 13 certain, however, is that the stroke undid whateve cricket ball had done, and for his last waking hour my grandfather saw the world again in colour. He wept at the sensations he had forgotten over 27 years, unashamedly and before us all. It was somethln that was impossible deeply shocked me at that age. How oould my grandfather, the paradigm of self-control, lose his composure so strive to be n» - d9 ln hla can honestly say that fr was embarrassed for him, so much so that I could not meet his eyes. I promised myself at t1 ' t.hat wh I tried to forget that final P tw9nty-l something that my parent would strive to be like him in every possible way, *>>> mramole I would not follow. quit ed by it for that »^»;yJ^op^ 'publicly or othe- t I don't have feelings,

.round four/flye I ht.hota e . nevfinae l episod^ e In his prQud_ It's not

»lly

ie'11 be here ln

r, The woman who has refused to leave my mind for even the bt these t, six days. Susan and I have known each other for six years, office; ive two streets away from each other; we see each other almo were always slight salous of me, because, after all, she is attractive. However, would never admit ly. Of course, I would say dismlsslvely with a barely concea: very good friends, however, it Is an affection that I have fully in these las w days. With great reluctance I've had to admit to myself th too much for granted. I find friends easily, and maybe too easily. I've had a few relationships in the past, but none of them, er, Involved. I never felt there was anything missing ln my life. Until now, that is. Susan was covering an amateur expedition onto Mount Sverest for the free lance news agency we both worked for. Four months she had been gone now, four months. Never had I thought about how long that would be, never had I even dreamed that I could miss anyone as much as I bloody missed her. Suddenly I was forced to explore very alien and embarrassing feelings. She called me once via satellite phone, during her acclimatisation time at base camp. She had said that she missed me. In that moment I became so Intensely aware of how many times I had said the same thing, never really meaning it. She had talked about the mountains and the people ln her group. She complained of headaches and nausea from the altitude. She had already seen the first corpse beside the Wall, unceremoniously wrapped ln tattered bin liners, frozen solid. She whispered about one of the sherpas, who had suffered an oedema ln his lung because of the thin air and had died

I had begun to worry, not badly, but more than was strictly necessary. She was young and healthy, for Sod's sake, and there were people ln her group who were far more unqualified than she was to be on that sodding mountain. There was that Japanese woman, for example, almost fifty years old, hoping to be the oldest woman ever to scale Sverest. She called again from camp four, which was almost at eight thousand metres. She sounded exhausted and confused and there was no trace of any enthusiasm for standing on top of the world. It appeared that soma of the 8 May 1998 FICTION 27

people in her group of climbers were in a bad state. However, they would all only gat one day's rest before the guides would press ahead for the summit. They would go without sleep for forty hours and she mumbled some- thing about being worried about the amount of oxygen they were allowed to carry. I knew that a helicopter rescue at that altitude was unthinkable. It was at that point that worry began to turn into genuine dread. During a rare moment of mental clarity I sat down and attempted to imagine a world without Susan. That was finally when I realised how much I had underesti- mated my feelings. Prom that stage onward, she was there in my waking mind constantly. On the designated day of her assault on the summit my already severely affected ability to concentrate broke down completely. Ky attempts at doing any work were a farce, and making some excuse, I left the office early. I was painfully aware that no one seemed as worried about Susan as I was. That night I didn't even pretend that I thought I might get some sleep. Susan reached the top of Mount Everest with seven other climbers, two guides and five sherpas. The climb had gone smoothly and according to plan. It was on the descent that the problems began. Prom what I had heard, at least two of the climbers were reaching utter exhaustion at this stage and began to severely hamper the climb. The guides resorted to the emergency measure of injecting the small ampoule of cortisone that every climber carried around their neck. Extra oxygen was also administered but it appeared that they had taken action too late. A storm was approaching and all they had time to do was to try and find some shelter; fatally inadequate shelter as it turned out. For twenty hours they had cowered in temperatures of minus sixty degrees centigrade, waiting for some improve- ment in the conditions. Somehow, a radio link to base camp was established and all members of the party were allowed one satellite phone call. All except three that is, who were suffering from such extreme exhaustion and hypothermia that they were unable to even speak. I later discovered that one of them had lost a glove at this stage and that that hand was effectively already lost. Susan tried to phone her parents but after she had failed to get through had called me. Above the shrieking wind she had shouted in a cracked voice, telling me she would make It, again and again. She was trying to convince herself. I tried desperately to say somethir ianlngrul and comforting but I Tailed her. What I said was banal, hol- low, and above all, false. I don't thin mattered though, she was almost delirious. I truly believed she was

It was two days before I heard the worse than anything that I >ught was beyond me. I left behind forever. i had made it back to er to her in the hospital : my fe irical, I hree times e way to mm

office I had decided to destroy the letter, but something else In me always won over. Worst of all, In the last sen- tence, which had taken an hour to commit to paper, I had asked her to marry me. Sitting In this cafe, thinking the whole thing over rationally, I conclusively came to the decision that the letter had been a mistake. I lit another cigarette, registering blankly that it was the last In the packet. Oh yes, a mistake of whopping proportions. I had been a bungling, hysterical, Idiot, behaving like some pubescent school kid. I had to make a physical effort to prevent myself from cringing. At best she would laugh at me, at worse... well, I was- n't even going to contemplate. Would our relationship ever be the same again? Pigs might fly, I thought, looking up with a mirthless grin. Pigs might Tucking fly. Forty minutes before her plane was due to touch down I was at the arrivals gate, behaving like a man with fever. I cannot describe the thoughts I was thinking. An eternity later, groups of bleary-eyed people began to spill Into the cavernous airport hall. Briefly I fought the urge to quite simply run away, and moved forward to try and spot Susan. When I saw her, I was surprised that I felt no shock at the condition she was In. Her face looked like she had been awake non-stop for a month. She was pale despite a deep tan and walking painfully slowly. I felt Ilka I was In autopilot as I began to walk through the crowd towards her. I had almost reached her before she looked up. There was a pause whilst her tired eyes looked right through me. Then, with a barely audible sob, she stepped Into my arms and burled her face in my shoulder. Suddenly I felt that we were alone In the universe. We stood for a long time, without words, It seemed we shared a million unspoken thoughts. Finally she stirred and whispered three words Into my ear. It took a long time for those words to find the designated area of my mind. I stopped running my hand through the hair at the back of her head. They were words uttered so many times, unthinkingly, uncaringly, thrown away, always without consequence, until now. A long time later I gathered myself and croaked in an unsteady voice, "I-...I'm sorry about the letter...I really don't know what- I-..." my speech faltered. What letter? She breathed In my ear. For the first time I let her go and looked Into her eyas, eyas that were so dark that it was almost impossible to tell were her irises ended and her pupils began. Then, softly, I began to cry.

Any comments on this story? Email [email protected]. 28 SPORTS 8 May 1998 IC Smash Results

University of London League Twickenham Sevens Results: Men's Football In traditional preparation to a 7s the pitch try from Matt "chicken" seven pointer that any team would ICUFC I - 4th (Premier Division) tournament, the majority of the Dixon. Quick reaction and skilful be proud of. A quick pick up and ICUFC II - 4th (Division One) squad were doing their best to passing combined with an awe- lightning acceleration from Telfa ICUFC III - 1st (Division Three) stock up on the necessary liquid some side step allowed Charlie "you smell" Beynon confirmed our ICUFC IV - 4th (Division Three) that was essential for any rugby "I've got a sore knob / give me a place in the final against London ICUFC V - 5th (Division Five) competition. We arrived on time at pint" Cunnell to score under the Exiles 1. ICUFC VI - 7th (Division Six) Hampton Court, only to realise that posts, to seal a convincing victory. The game started well by "slight Women's Football Twickenham RFC was in Hampton The next Imperial game was the of frame" scoring within 5 seconds, ICUWFC - 6th (Premier Division) 1 10 miles away!!! Medics against Baling. and Telfa the cheetah sold more Men's Hockey Our initial warm up in the Royal Unfortunately, overconfidence and dummies than Mother Care to ICUHC I - 2nd (Premier Leauge) Oak did not show promise in the key errors made by play maker score a superb individual try. The ICUHC II - 1st (Division Two) first couple of games, making a Simon "miss in front of the posts / Exiles fought back, but the match ICUHC III - 5th (Division Three) slow transition from I 5s to 7s. did that go 10? / are we playing was guaranteed courtesy of Davo ICUHC IV - 5th (Divisoin Four) Despite losing our captain and touch?" Rogers saw the departure "I forgot to pass" Gol in fine style, Women's Hockey squad pretty "UGLY" boy, due to of the Medics and meant that to win the 1998 Boddington Bowl. ICUWHC I - 6th (Premier Division) bust ankle and broken nose respec- Imperial would have to fight hard Thanks must go to Twickenham ICUWHC II - 1st (Division Two) tively, we did our best to keep the to come away with some silver RFC, Malcolm and Pete Joyce for Mixed Badminton opposition out of the try scoring ware. liquid rewards, Joe "Lloyd?" for her ICUBC - 2nd (Division One) zone. Close contests with London In the semi-finals against post match massages, and all Mixed Volleyball Nigerians and Old Actonians saw London Exiles 2 IC showed their those who turned up to make it a IC - 1st (Only Division) us qualify into the Bowl qualities by playing "champagne great and enjoyable day. Men's Basketball competition. rugby". Chris "lightweight" MIDDLESEX SEVENS HERE WE IC - 1st (Division One) The first knock out game Dickinson, initiated and finished off COME!!! Women's Basketwall against Twickenham saw us start- a well worked try which easily IC - 2nd (Only Division) ing to play sevens with a length of foiled the defence, resulting in a Netball IC - 8th (Premier Division)

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