CULTURE

team of men with wonderful necks wearing skirts that Towing The glowed in the dark, and the unreasonably up-to-date wall-to-wall acid groove Party Line state of sound is set in motion, sounding to my sour Christmas inevitably brings the usual round of parties, but ageing ears suspiciously like the very idea of them is enough to make Paul Morley break a cross between Boney M out into a warm sticky sweat... and Throbbing Gristle. I remember pre-80s that the hipper parties would Parties make me anxious. cut myself off from myself consist entirely of a sound- Everything makes me an- and endure populated con- track of deepest dub - the xious, because living means finement in the name of my first dub is the deepest - and living anxiously, but the novel, the name of which is rarest reggae, drilling or thought of a party, let alone Life's A Party because there raking the party to slow the reality of a party, makes can be no doubt that it is. death. These days, the hip- up for a certain, monstrous Yes, life is a party, and per parties resound with the kind of apprehension akin to parties make me anxious. sound of burning house and the feeling of knowing at You start off all fresh and various, complex continen- exactly what time I am going confident and hopeful think- tal beats that you purchase to die. Just the thought of it ing it can never be as bad as in strange shops as if you makes me very concerned all that and I'll never be that were selecting exotic forms and disheartened. Dying I unhappy again, and think of of cheese. One of the things I mean, not going to a party. I the new friends that you'll have learnt over the years, suppose I'll choose going to a make, and you're pleasant to and it's going into a book I'm party before death, but only friends and strangers, and writing called These Are A just. Just the thought of it you try talking to them for a Few Of The Favourite Things makes me very concerned bit, and you get bored, and I Have Learnt Over The and disheartened. Going to a you turn, as you must, to Years, is: never play a Cecil party, I mean. I break out whatever drink you can find, Taylor record at even the into a warm sticky sweat: I and it will all end in tears, or smallest dinner party. I can see it now . . . it's party certain death, and then the made that mistake the other time . . . the door opens . . . hangover. day, proudly showing off my I'm forced into the flow ... I I'm writing a book about rare Swiss Cecil Taylor' must mix . . . people at the hangovers. What was it the boxed set, setting the needle party laugh as if things were man said - every young down on side three, and the going better and better, as if writer who ever had a hang- people I'd invited im- they did not know that the over thinks that an account mediately asked if we could abyss is there . .. they smile of drink is a short road to turn up the sound on the at one another, are nice and success. I'm in no fit state to Everyman documentary of friendly and polite . . . they argue with this. At the end of the Pope, while my wife exchange kisses as if they every chapter there are the Claudia threatened never to adore each other. And yet oppressive, unforgiving wear those white socks a) know who Ronnie Corbett they are well aware of what words: there's a party again while that record was is - I take nothing for is waiting for them. They tonight. Yes, my hangover in the house and, worse, granted - and b) know that pretend not to know. How book is a horror story: we've would insist that we started his most famous programme brave they are, how patient been here before haven't to go to more parties unless I is called Sorry, during which they are, how ignorant they we? The Party Of Death. The destroyed it. I threw Cecil he says 'sorry' 20 times a are, or perhaps how wise, or story of a man caught up in away, and just to be sure show, and I tripped over perhaps they have some the irreversible machinery disposed of my collection of him, and he turned to me, secret, unconscious know- of defeat, destroyed by Throbbing Gristle and and said, 'SORRY!' As you ledge of things that I don't years of going to parties Boney M. could imagine, I couldn't know, that I cannot succeed where the records he wants stop laughing. in knowing. Maybe parties baffle me to play are taken off half- because small talk wounds You see, you must go to If I killed someone - did I way through by everyone me. Here is an example of parties to get to know people tell you, I sat in front of else at the party. The story my kind of small talk: 'We who you don't know, as these Jeffrey Archer at the of a man moved enough by say that we sleep so that we things move like that, but it's theatre the other day? - and self pity to even drink stale don't go mad. We may drink the actual practicality of my punishment was to meet Heineken, all that he can so that we don't go mad. In speaking to people for the and mix at a party once a find in the grimy kitchen. fact, we seem to do a lot of first time that is at the week for five years, I'm not Why only the other day, and things in life in order that we centre of my anxiety. Where sure that I wouldn't prefer I can remember the indigna- don't go mad. And yet it's do you begin? I usually begin lengthy imprisonment. At tion like it's going to happen living in life that makes us with madness, life and soul. least I'd be able to get on any moment, I tried to play a go mad.' This never makes me the life with this novel I've been Morrissey song at a party, This is an example of a and soul of the party. writing. It's lovingly and I and it was one of his less small chat I had with Ronnie Oh, I can see that you've think rather bravely based weighed down pieces. This Corbett last month. Believe finally admitted that you are on the occasional party I go was pulled from the turn- it or not, and this will only be a little curious about the to, when I force myself to table within seconds by a appreciated by readers who small chat I had with Ronnie

40 MARXISM TODAY DECEMBER 1988 CULTURE

friend of Adam Faith's!' Well, in a sense aren't all men friends of Adam! Oh, I'm a laugh a lifetime on the back of a bottle: after all, I'm a young man trying to write a novel. I get kicked out of the Adam Faith bar just as Nigel Dempster and Lionel Blair arrive. I think to my- self, Bob Geldof's spiked my drink again. Now we're at the end of the year, there seems to be a party a week. This is punish- ment. Maybe I have killed somebody after all. This means that because the host knows I once worked in the music business and that I am a tv critic I will be intro- duced to the man who played session guitar with Wham in China, and the girl who was an extra in Crossroads. Any- thing to encourage conversa- tion. Why do we always have to talk to each other? Can't we just stare each other out and have another drink? Why is it so important to talk to people that you don't know? Just so that you can get to know them and then have arguments and perhaps kill each other and be sentenced to a party life after death, where you are always suf- fering that moment when you walk into a party and everyone turns and looks at you . . . except they're not looking at you, they've just Corbett. I'll go to any and something that made me I wasn't invited to the spotted somebody who once many lengths while pur- believe that I was Paul party - being a critic, I appeared on Jonathan Ross. suing research for the novel. Daniel's lover. I once kissed suppose - held at a big rich Now, I've just discovered Or, well, anything for a free Robbie Coltrane's feet and disco in Leicester Square. that the morning's post has drink, let's be honest. Except indulged in the smallest of The trick is, stride along the delivered four invitations to for going to the kind of party talk with Nick Roeg. Well, it red carpet that splits a parties. One at my lawyers, where even you don't take a was more of a pause really. gathering crowd of stupid, one for a friend to launch his bottle, so there's nothing to Well... it was a flashback. gaping onlookers on the new album, The Guardian drink but orange squash, and The last show-biz party I lookout for Henry Cooper Christmas book luncheon, look at that bastard over went to was after the first and Michael Winner, and and a drinks party for the their clutching the Red night of the musical Budgie. look as though you're at least contributors to Channel 4's Stripe with 20% extra. I I know that's not the kind of at the top of the fourth Comment and Book Choice. don't feel so anxious about thing you should mention in division of fame, or have an Have I got enough anecdotes show-biz parties, not least front of an intelligent read- OBE. Once inside, grab a to go round? Haven't I got because it does supply you er, but Adam Faith was a bottle, and play spot the other things to do, like watch with a few anecdotes about hero of mine 15 years ago. minor EastEnder. Oh look, the Michael Caine films that famous people that you can Now? Well, he's just the man there's the blonde girl from I've never seen? I feel party fall back on when you're who looks after Sebastian the market. There's Pat sick already. trapped at a party and it's Coe's money, and there's a from the Vic. There's the And now I find out that obvious that the people definition of 'tory' for you. boyfriend of whatsitsname. I've written the wrong col- you're talking to don't want Life is a party? Did I tell you Jesus Christ - there's Gary umn. I should have written a to hear about me. Yeah, I've that Jeffrey Archer was sat Glitter! I find another bar piece on political parties at stood at the next urinal to behind me? Lucky for him I that looks a bit more exclu- Christmas. How on earth Boy George. Oh sure, I once was sober, and didn't have a sive, and a bare hostess am I going to begin that got so drunk I tried to stab knife. Christopher Biggins comes to me and asks 'Adam article...? David Steele, Bob Geldof was sat in front of me. Life is Faith?' No, Paul Morley, Political parties make me once spiked my drink with a party. actually. 'No, are you a anxious. •

41 MARXISM TODAY DECEMBER 1988