Let Me Show You Some Pictures by Jason Sepac
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LET ME SHOW YOU SOME PICTURES By Jason Sepac They are my dad. They are pictures of my dad. Some are pictures that he took. They are stiff and warped, and some are glossy. Many are muted, as if they’ve been through the laundry too many times. One has no color. And they smell like mothballs and the kind of dust you only find in places you imagine family secrets are buried. I was in elementary school when I discovered the family photo albums in our attic. Like a history book without text. Evidence without argument. An account of a time when I was not born. For Roland Barthes, history can only be looked at from the outside. And in my case, I felt like an outsider, a living person looking at people who had died long ago. But some people, like my parents, they were still alive. They are still alive. How can I make history of people who are still here, still shape their past, still remember and misremember, still create - even if they resemble only strangers and characters in movies?The people in these photos: they were not doing things my parents did, and they didn’t dress the way my parents dressed. These were different. I look closer and the faces blur, and now I recognize the slope of a nose, the gesture of a hand, the curve of a smile - angles and lines connecting different bodies in time. I pull back and I hear stories, and I wonder if they are theirs or if they are mine. 1 My dad started telling stories law, wanted to get to know my parents. We already knew my mom’s stories “That’s not true,” my mom says, listening to my dad tell - a treasure, secret passages and tunnels, when I was a teenager. Until of growing up the daughter of a pipefitter in Pittsburgh, stories told with his story. “I think you’re making things up.” maybe a dragon. Old enough to know it’s then, he hadn’t shared much Jimmy Stewart levels of charm and nostalgia, but we were scared to ask fantasy, but young enough to hope it’s not, about his background, where about my dad. So we followed my mom’s coded rule. “It’s true! Why would I make it up ?” he asks. they set out to go to the castle. he came from and what he’d We’ve heard the row boat story twenty times before. done. I’d always known one He tells it a little differently now. thing: He grew up somewhere THIS WAS PROBABLY WHEN I WAS else, but still, I frequently got ABOUT TEN, ELEVEN, TWELVE YEARS OLD. this wrong. It was Yugoslavia MY FRIENDS - ABOUT THREE OTHER when he was there. And it was FRIENDS AND MYSELF - WOULD GET becoming Croatia in the nine- TOGETHER AND JUST HIKE AND GO ON ties. Sometimes he mentioned ADVENTURES. SO WE DECIDED TO GO TO another country, Slovenia, across THIS RIVER, THE KUPA RIVER. RIGHT the river from his farm. This DOWN THE HILL FROM OUR VILLAGE. IT was everything I knew. WASN’T OUR ORIGINAL PLAN BUT AS WE HIKED DOWN THE GORGE, WE SAW THE “Your dad had a hard life,” CASTLE, AND THEN WE DECIDED THAT my mom would say, which my WAS OUR GOAL. siblings and I thought was code for don’t ask . I imagine this photo when I hear the story. But in 2001 this changed. My It’s one of the few we have of my dad sister, Jenny started dating Kostel Castle before age fifteen. See that jacket he’s this guy, Joe. They hit it off wearing? He wasn’t trying to get dressed and for the first time, we up for this photo. His second cousin, Dominic, had someone from the outside Donji Sehovac who had moved to New York years earli- spending a lot of time with us. er, would send Joe, being a good future in- them clothes from the United States. Despite looking like a perfect shepherd boy here, my dad says it wasn’t the look he was going for. Sure, these were dress clothes or school clothes, but it was just a jacket for my dad - something Joe didn’t know this rule, so he asked. Ten miles from his village there’s an abandoned castle, where to keep him warm, something he wore for all And it turns out, there was no rule. an old king lived - that one up there. One day dad and a occasions. few of his friends hike down the gorge to the Kupa River I expected pain, maybe abuse. That’s what “a hard life” below. They walk, according to my dad, about ten miles. So here’s this kid. He’s supposed to be meant, right? But the stories we heard were magic. Cinematic. They spot a castle across the rapid springtime water. My working on the farm. But today he’s taken Fantasy. dad and his friends think there may be something there off with his friends. He tells the story. I 2 try to see through his eyes. 3 My image of Croatia came from the photos my WATER WAS PRETTY HIGH AND PRETTY FAST. WAS FUNNELING DOWN. I WAS LUCKY. I JUST HIKE. ALMOST RUNNING, IT WAS LATE IN THE parents took during their honeymoon there in 1969. HUNG ON THE BOAT. I HUNG ON FOR MY LIFE DAY. THE SUN WAS GOING DOWN. TEN MILES TO AS WE STARTED ROWING THE BOAT WE DIDN’T Images that existed only on slides. My dad would AND WE MADE IT ACROSS THE DAMN AND I WAS GET BACK HOME. WE WERE RUNNING. WE WERE REALIZE THE CURRENT WAS CARRYING US DOWN pull out the slide projector every few years, and STILL HANGING ON TO THE SIDE. THE WATER SOAKING WET. AND WE CAME HOME. IT WAS THE RIVER INSTEAD OF JUST GOING ACROSS. we’d listen to him recount stories. With the country- GOT A LITTLE SHALLOWER AND WE WERE ABLE GETTING DARK. WE PRETENDED THAT WE WERE WE WERE GOING DOWN TOWARDS A DAMN. side illuminated bright on our living room wall, just like TO TOUCH THE BOTTOM AND WE WERE GONNA PLAYING IN THE BACKYARD ALL DAY. WE WERE this here, he recalled his childhood. In the old version of the story it was a waterfall. TAKE OFF IN PANIC. BUT TO OUR SURPRISE, PLAYING THERE ALL ALONG. THAT’S WHAT WE It was definitely a waterfall. THE OWNER OF THE BOAT - HE MUST HAVE WANTED MY MOTHER TO THINK. IT WAS STILL THERE: THIS CASTLE, ALONG SEEN WHAT THE HECK WE WERE UP TO - HE THE RIVER. THERE WERE STORIES THAT THERE WE WERE ALL TRYING TO PADDLE REAL FAST. AND WAS THERE ON THE SHORE WITH A SHOTGUN, WHAT WE DIDN’T KNOW WAS THAT THIS GUY WAS A TUNNEL THAT TOOK YOU FROM THE CAS- NOT KNOWING WHAT THE HECK WE WERE DOING, POINTING IT AT US. WE STOLE THE BOAT FROM WAS A PAINTER AND TLE ALL THE WAY TO THE WALLS AROUND IT. HE WAS SCHEDULED TO PAINT OUR NEIGHBORS I TRIED TO PUT THE PADDLE OUT IN THE “ IN CASE THEY WERE ATTACKED THEY HAD AN FRONT OF THE BOAT TO STOP IT. BUT GUESS YOU BETTER GET THIS BOAT BACK WHERE YOU HOUSE THE NEXT DAY. ONCE HE GOT THERE, UNDERGROUND TUNNEL ALL THE WAY DOWN TO WHAT HAPPENED. AS SOON AS I PUT THIS GOT IT FROM.” I WAS ALREADY AT SCHOOL AND HE STARTED THE RIVER WHERE THEY COULD ESCAPE. THAT PADDLE DOWN, IT GOT PULLED DOWN UNDERNEATH TELLING MY NEIGHBORS ABOUT THESE KIDS WAS THE CLOSEST CASTLE FROM WHERE WE USED SO WE GOT ALL SCARED OF THIS GUY WITH WHO STOLE HIS BOAT. THEY ALL FOUND OUT IT THE WATER. I KEPT HANGING ON, AND I GOT THE SHOTGUN. WE ALL PICKED UP THIS BOAT TO LIVE. I FORGET WHAT IT WAS CALLED. IF PULLED RIGHT OUT OF THE BOAT INTO THE WAS US. YOU GO ON A CROATIAN MAP YOU CAN PROBABLY AND TOOK IT BACK TO WHERE WE GOT IT, RIVER. WHICH WAS PROBABLY - UPPER SIDE OF THE FIND IT. My grandma immediately panicked, my dad recalls, THE WATER WAS PRETTY DEEP - TEN FEET DEEP. DAMN, WE WERE DOWN THE BOTTOM - SO A not because he stole a row boat, but because she No king. No dragon. But the tunnel is still there in COUPLE HUNDRED FEET. THE GUY SAID ONCE WE thought, for some reason, he went to school wearing COULD HAVE DROWNED, BUT FORTUNATELY I “ this retelling. It’s called Kostel Castle. See it back GRABBED THE SIDE OF THE BOAT AND I HUNG GOT THE BOAT BACK, I BETTER NOT SEE YOU wet clothes. there? ON AND WE WERE JUST ABOVE THE DAMN JUST KIDS HERE AGAIN.” SO THE ONLY PROBLEM WAS WE HAD TO GET ABOUT READY TO GO ACROSS. AT LEAST HE DIDN’T SHOOT ANYBODY, BUT HE TO THE OTHER SIDE OF THE RIVER. WE ASKED I WOULD SAY IT WAS PROBABLY TEN FEET SCARED THE CRAP OUT OF US. WE NEVER SAW THIS LOCAL FARMER WHO HAD A ROW BOAT IF HIGH. THE CASTLE. HE’D TAKE US ACROSS, BUT HE SAID HE WAS BUSY. HE SAID IF WE WAITED A LITTLE WHILE In the old version of the story it was twenty. WE ALL TOOK OFF AND WE HAD A PRETTY GOOD HE’D TAKE US. BUT WE WERE KIDS.