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SEEING THE BRIGHT SIDE SINCE 1992 COVER ART WINNER MADISON CASTILLO VOLUME 29 | ISSUE 13 | MARCH 26-APRIL 1, 2020 | FREE [2] WEEKLY ALIBI MARCH 26-APRIL 1, 2020 MARCH 26-APRIL 1, 2020 WEEKLY ALIBI [3] alibi VOLUME 29 | ISSUE 13 | MARCH 26-APRIL 1, 2020 EDITORIAL MANAGING EDITOR/ FILM EDITOR: Devin D. O’Leary (ext. 230) [email protected] MUSIC EDITOR/NEWS EDITOR: August March (ext. 245) [email protected] FOOD EDITOR: Dan Pennington (Ext. 255) [email protected] ARTS AND LIT. EDITOR: Clarke Condé (Ext. 239) [email protected] COPY EDITOR: Samantha Carrillo (ext. 223) [email protected] CALENDARS EDITOR: Ashli Kesali [email protected] STAFF WRITER: Joshua Lee (ext. 243) [email protected] DIGITAL EDITOR: Dan Pennington (ext. 255) [email protected] CONTRIBUTING WRITERS: Robin Babb, Rob Brezsny, Carolyn Carlson, Samantha Carrillo, Maggie Grimason, Steven Luthy, Hosho McCreesh, Mayo Lua de Frenchie PRODUCTION ART DIRECTOR: Ramona Chavez (ext. 268) [email protected] ASSISTANT ART DIRECTOR: Corey Yazzie [email protected] GRAPHIC DESIGNER: Xanthe Miller [email protected] STAFF PHOTOGRAPHER: Eric Williams [email protected] SALES SALES DIRECTOR: Tierna Unruh-Enos (ext. 248) [email protected] ACCOUNT EXECUTIVES: Kittie Blackwell (ext. 224) [email protected] John Hankinson (ext. 235) [email protected] EVENT AND MARKETING COORDINATOR Madeline MacKenzie [email protected] ADMINISTRATION PUBLISHER: Constance Moss (ext. 222) [email protected] ASSOCIATE PUBLISHER: Tierna Unruh-Enos (ext. 248) [email protected] CONTROLLER: Constance Moss (ext. 222) [email protected] ACCOUNTS RECEIVABLE: Madeline MacKenzie (ext. 233) [email protected] SYSTEMS MANAGER: Kyle Silfer (ext. 242) [email protected] WEB MONKEY: John Millington (ext. 238) [email protected] OWNERS: Christopher Johnson and Daniel Scott CIRCULATION CIRCULATION MANAGER: Chris Silva (ext. 252) [email protected] CIRCULATION SPECIAL FORCES: Darrell Sparks [email protected] INFORMATION PRINTER: The Santa Fe New Mexican IN LOVING MEMORY: Doug Albin, Martin Candelaria, Michael Henningsen, Gretchen Hudson, Eric Johnson, Greg Medara, Chico Ramirez, Mina Yamashita, Ernest Montoya INTERNET SERVICE PROVIDER: Southwest Cyberport (232-7992) [email protected] NATIONAL ADVERTISING: VMG Advertising (888) 278-9866 www.vmgadvertising.com NUCITY PUBLICATIONS, INC. P.O. Box 81 Albuquerque, NM 87103 BUSINESS HOURS: 10AM–5PM MON–FRI PHONE AND FAX: (505) 346-0660 Alibi (ISSN 1088-0496) is published weekly 51 times per year. The content of this issue is Copyright © 2020 by NuCity Publications, Inc., and may not be reprinted in part or in whole without written consent of the publisher. All rights are reserved. One copy of each edition of Alibi is available free to county residents and visitors each week. Anyone caught removing papers in bulk will be prosecuted on theft charges to the fullest extent of the law. Yearly subscription $100, back issues are $3, Best of Burque is $5. Queries and manuscripts should include a self-addressed stamped envelope; Alibi assumes no responsibility for unsolicited material. Association of Alternative Newsmedia [4] WEEKLY ALIBI MARCH 26-APRIL 1, 2020 often lead to more babies. “It’s going to happen. It’s probably going to be the biggest baby boom we’ve seen,” said ODDS Kathrotia. “Anytime there’s the threat of a hurricane, there’s a little baby boom.” Dr. Renee Wellenstein disagrees on the timeline, however. She told reporters that AND ENDS she predicts a baby boom will come once WEIRD NEWS the pandemic is over. “Stress decreases fertility in men and women,” Wellenstein Dateline: Nevada said. A Las Vegas man dressed in what witnesses called a “hazmat suit” sprayed a Dateline: New Mexico clear liquid on people and products at a A man turned himself in to police and Walmart in an attempt to gain internet told them that he’d stolen two television fame. According to KLAS in Nevada, Aldo sets while intoxicated—but he doesn’t Gonzalez was arrested last week after a remember doing it. The Associated Press Walmart was forced to shut down due to reports that Sage Aaron Cummins, of the actions of him and an unnamed Gallup, N.M., was arrested earlier this accomplice. Gonzalez allegedly entered month after he attempted to return the the Walmart store with an unnamed TVs to the robbery victim. An officer was male—described as “juvenile” in the reportedly investigating the burglary at police report—who was wearing a full- the home when Cummins approached body painter’s coveralls. As Gonzalez him and admitted he was the one who allegedly filmed, the “juvenile” proceeded stole the TVs. He reportedly told officers to spray customers and grocery items with that he was “very intoxicated” when he a clear liquid from a spray bottle. After entered the home and allegedly stole the causing a disturbance, police were called items. He said he remembered knocking to the store, where witnesses were able to on the door and receiving no answer give descriptions of the perpetrators and before entering the residence. He told provide the license plate number of the police that he had no memory of what getaway car. Using the license plate happened after that. “He woke up at number, officers were led to the home of 8:30am the next day and noticed he had Gonzalez. As they were arresting the man, two TV’s in his room,” the police report officers saw the juvenile exit the house. says. Two days later, a mutual friend of Officials evacuated the store and both Cummins and the victim told investigators took samples of the liquid to Cummins who owned the TVs. The police test it for dangerous substances. The clear report states that Cummins told police liquid was inspected and declared “he wanted to make things right and harmless after it was determined to have a return the stolen items.” He was neutral PH and no chemicals, proteins or reportedly arrested and charged with bio-organisms. Detectives interviewed the receiving stolen property before being juvenile, who said that Gonzalez bought a released on an unsecured bond of $1,500. white painter’s suit, goggles, a dust mask and gloves. The juvenile reportedly found Dateline: India a spray bottle and filled it with water. An India railway company is keeping When asked why the duo had engineered elephants off the tracks by playing the stunt, the juvenile said he “wants to be recordings of angry bees. According to famous through Instagram and YouTube UPI, the Northeast Frontier Railway has by making funny videos.” installed a “honey bee sound system” at locations where elephants are known to Dateline: United States frequent. If villagers notice that an Americans aren’t just stockpiling toilet elephant has wandered near the train paper and hand sanitizer. Experts say a tracks, they can notify officials with the potential condom shortage could lead to train company and the system can be another baby boom. The Mercury News engaged. The loud sound of bees is said reports that some Americans are failing to to frighten the elephants and drive them practice social distancing during the away. The company said the system had to COVID-19 outbreak, as evidenced by be installed because the number of increasing condom sales following elephants being killed in train collisions announcements of outbreaks in the US. was rising. At least four elephants were As more states adopt shelter-in-place reportedly involved in separate accidents procedures, experts say they will be in Uttarakhand in 2018. The company engaging in more sexual activity. has installed the buzzy sound system at Television personality Dr. Mehmet Oz the four crossings where the incidents actually encouraged couples to have sex occurred. The system has been in place while they’re quarantined. “You’ll live for two years now, and officials say it has longer, get rid of the tension,” he told been completely successful. There have TMZ. “Maybe you’ll make some babies.” reportedly been no animal collisions since CondomSales reported a shortage of its installation. a condoms in Singapore and Hong Kong in early March, and it appears the trend is Compiled by Joshua Lee. Email your weird continuing in the US. Dr. Kevin Kathrotia news to [email protected]. told Fox Business that natural disasters MARCH 26-APRIL 1, 2020 WEEKLY ALIBI [5] NEWS CITY NEWS | ON ASSIGNMENT by August March BY JOSHUA LEE DOH: Flush Only TP State health officials say residents could On the Front Lines damage New Mexico’s sewer systems by flushing toilet paper alternatives. According to KOB, the New Mexico Department of Health is warning people to In Burque with the other humans avoid flushing toilet paper alternatives down the toilet, as the septic dewer systems were not made to successfully handle the strain. t’s springtime in New Mexico and our Toilet paper is designed to dissolve in water, news reporter is up early on Monday, but paper towels and sanitary napkins are not. just after the sun rises at 7:05am, to By flushing these products, residents could I check in on the latest developments in the clog the system, which would eventually cause sewage to overflow and spill into the streets. war against COVID-19. “In some ways, this can sound humorous. There are 10 messages awaiting him on Let’s just admit that,” said Mayor Tim Keller Facebook Messenger, seven voicemails during a recent press conference. “But it’s actually quite serious, because the last thing waiting to be heard and 50 more emails in we need right now is us being all over the city his personal account when he finally fell trying to fix clogged-up or burst sewer lines.” asleep at 1am. He doesn’t even want to The mayor went on to say that residents check his work email but does and is should bag up and throw away the soiled toilet paper alternatives instead of flushing them.