SEEING THE BRIGHT SIDE SINCE 1992 COVER ART WINNER MADISON CASTILLO VOLUME 29 | ISSUE 13 | MARCH 26-APRIL 1, 2020 | FREE [2] WEEKLY ALIBI MARCH 26-APRIL 1, 2020 MARCH 26-APRIL 1, 2020 WEEKLY ALIBI [3] alibi
VOLUME 29 | ISSUE 13 | MARCH 26-APRIL 1, 2020
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[4] WEEKLY ALIBI MARCH 26-APRIL 1, 2020 often lead to more babies. “It’s going to happen. It’s probably going to be the biggest baby boom we’ve seen,” said ODDS Kathrotia. “Anytime there’s the threat of a hurricane, there’s a little baby boom.” Dr. Renee Wellenstein disagrees on the timeline, however. She told reporters that AND ENDS she predicts a baby boom will come once WEIRD NEWS the pandemic is over. “Stress decreases fertility in men and women,” Wellenstein Dateline: Nevada said. A Las Vegas man dressed in what witnesses called a “hazmat suit” sprayed a Dateline: New Mexico clear liquid on people and products at a A man turned himself in to police and Walmart in an attempt to gain internet told them that he’d stolen two television fame. According to KLAS in Nevada, Aldo sets while intoxicated—but he doesn’t Gonzalez was arrested last week after a remember doing it. The Associated Press Walmart was forced to shut down due to reports that Sage Aaron Cummins, of the actions of him and an unnamed Gallup, N.M., was arrested earlier this accomplice. Gonzalez allegedly entered month after he attempted to return the the Walmart store with an unnamed TVs to the robbery victim. An officer was male—described as “juvenile” in the reportedly investigating the burglary at police report—who was wearing a full- the home when Cummins approached body painter’s coveralls. As Gonzalez him and admitted he was the one who allegedly filmed, the “juvenile” proceeded stole the TVs. He reportedly told officers to spray customers and grocery items with that he was “very intoxicated” when he a clear liquid from a spray bottle. After entered the home and allegedly stole the causing a disturbance, police were called items. He said he remembered knocking to the store, where witnesses were able to on the door and receiving no answer give descriptions of the perpetrators and before entering the residence. He told provide the license plate number of the police that he had no memory of what getaway car. Using the license plate happened after that. “He woke up at number, officers were led to the home of 8:30am the next day and noticed he had Gonzalez. As they were arresting the man, two TV’s in his room,” the police report officers saw the juvenile exit the house. says. Two days later, a mutual friend of Officials evacuated the store and both Cummins and the victim told investigators took samples of the liquid to Cummins who owned the TVs. The police test it for dangerous substances. The clear report states that Cummins told police liquid was inspected and declared “he wanted to make things right and harmless after it was determined to have a return the stolen items.” He was neutral PH and no chemicals, proteins or reportedly arrested and charged with bio-organisms. Detectives interviewed the receiving stolen property before being juvenile, who said that Gonzalez bought a released on an unsecured bond of $1,500. white painter’s suit, goggles, a dust mask and gloves. The juvenile reportedly found Dateline: India a spray bottle and filled it with water. An India railway company is keeping When asked why the duo had engineered elephants off the tracks by playing the stunt, the juvenile said he “wants to be recordings of angry bees. According to famous through Instagram and YouTube UPI, the Northeast Frontier Railway has by making funny videos.” installed a “honey bee sound system” at locations where elephants are known to Dateline: United States frequent. If villagers notice that an Americans aren’t just stockpiling toilet elephant has wandered near the train paper and hand sanitizer. Experts say a tracks, they can notify officials with the potential condom shortage could lead to train company and the system can be another baby boom. The Mercury News engaged. The loud sound of bees is said reports that some Americans are failing to to frighten the elephants and drive them practice social distancing during the away. The company said the system had to COVID-19 outbreak, as evidenced by be installed because the number of increasing condom sales following elephants being killed in train collisions announcements of outbreaks in the US. was rising. At least four elephants were As more states adopt shelter-in-place reportedly involved in separate accidents procedures, experts say they will be in Uttarakhand in 2018. The company engaging in more sexual activity. has installed the buzzy sound system at Television personality Dr. Mehmet Oz the four crossings where the incidents actually encouraged couples to have sex occurred. The system has been in place while they’re quarantined. “You’ll live for two years now, and officials say it has longer, get rid of the tension,” he told been completely successful. There have TMZ. “Maybe you’ll make some babies.” reportedly been no animal collisions since CondomSales reported a shortage of its installation. a condoms in Singapore and Hong Kong in early March, and it appears the trend is Compiled by Joshua Lee. Email your weird continuing in the US. Dr. Kevin Kathrotia news to [email protected]. told Fox Business that natural disasters MARCH 26-APRIL 1, 2020 WEEKLY ALIBI [5] NEWS CITY NEWS | ON ASSIGNMENT by August March BY JOSHUA LEE DOH: Flush Only TP State health officials say residents could On the Front Lines damage New Mexico’s sewer systems by flushing toilet paper alternatives. According to KOB, the New Mexico Department of Health is warning people to In Burque with the other humans avoid flushing toilet paper alternatives down the toilet, as the septic dewer systems were not made to successfully handle the strain. t’s springtime in New Mexico and our Toilet paper is designed to dissolve in water, news reporter is up early on Monday, but paper towels and sanitary napkins are not. just after the sun rises at 7:05am, to By flushing these products, residents could I check in on the latest developments in the clog the system, which would eventually cause sewage to overflow and spill into the streets. war against COVID-19. “In some ways, this can sound humorous. There are 10 messages awaiting him on Let’s just admit that,” said Mayor Tim Keller Facebook Messenger, seven voicemails during a recent press conference. “But it’s actually quite serious, because the last thing waiting to be heard and 50 more emails in we need right now is us being all over the city his personal account when he finally fell trying to fix clogged-up or burst sewer lines.” asleep at 1am. He doesn’t even want to The mayor went on to say that residents check his work email but does and is should bag up and throw away the soiled toilet paper alternatives instead of flushing them. surprised to find some hopeful news there. Then he drinks a hot cuppa joe, grabs Absentee Ballots a couple pairs of surgical gloves and a protective face mask and goes out to his Encouraged car ... where he sprays the front seat The state has no plans to delay primary interior down with Lysol and wipes it away elections, but officials are encouraging voters before fully entering. to take advantage of absentee ballots as they He is going to check out reports of ERIC WILLIAMS PHOTOGRAPHY practice social distancing. According to NM Political Report, Secretary closures that cannot be independently of State Maggie Toulouse-Oliver is expecting confirmed. The bank in question, US Bank, was claimed, asking citizens to listen to our to see record numbers of absentee ballots during the primaries this year and is open for drive-thru business on Monday scientists and leaders. encouraging voters to eschew voting in Supermarket morning, and there were no lines. Our person. One email from a Weekly Alibi reader told reporter spoke to the teller, a young man Home Again New Mexicans can call their county clerk’s about possible closures or long waits at a office to request an absentee ballot or wearing pale blue gloves, and asked what After the press conference, our reporter download and print an application from the large grocery store in the southeast he thought might happen. The teller returned to his home and took a phone Secretary of State’s website. State officials quadrant of town. Upon arriving, he replied, “We’re expecting a stay-home call from local health care worker Eva have opened the nmvote.org portal a month notices that there isn’t even a line to get order sometime soon. But banks like this Vasquez. early. into Ghetto Smith’s, just a friendly clerk But Toulouse-Oliver is barred from sending one will continue to be open in a drive- Vasquez said, “I work at a nonprofit absentee ballots out to every registered voter waiting at the entrance. thru capacity. Right now, we’re open from organization called East Central because of state law. While a special The reporter parks and walks toward 9:30am until 4pm, Monday through Ministries, located basically on Wyoming legislative session seems likely in light of the store’s front door, stopping 10 feet in Saturday.” recent health emergencies, it remains unclear and Central. I am a Case Manager / if absentee voting will be addressed at that front of the attendant, who looks tired but Certified Community Health Worker. My time. But Toulouse-Oliver told reporters her also enobled by her place on the front Balloon Fiesta clients include many homeless and sex office is doing “everything that we can do short lines of this battle going on across With that, our reporter zoomed off to a workers. I spent many hours this last week of a law change” to get voters to apply for their America. She tells him, “It’s actually kind absentee ballot. live press briefing that Albuquerque in alleys and other [similar] spaces New Mexico’s primary election will be held of normal here today. There was a small Mayor Tim Keller was slated to give at [where] I knew I’d find groups of people. on Tuesday, June 2. line this morning, but everything was Balloon Fiesta Park at 11:30am. The ride I am trying to explain the virus to them.” orderly.” From a distance, looking in, it out to the north side of town was Vasquez says she’s concerned about the seems this supermarket remains well strangely quiet, the freeways uncrowded; COVID-19 pandemic, especially the way Special Session Likely stocked. occassionally, an 18-wheeler sped by. it may impact our city’s fragile homeless Our reporter flashes that attendant the Lawmakers are expecting to hold a special At the press conference, only a few citizens because, in her opinion, “APD is legislative session to discuss whether to alter peace sign and zooms off toward Nob other reporters have gathered. It’s clear still making them tear down their spaces the $7.6 billion budget that was recently signed Hill. that the mayor and his company want which they make from cardboard and into law by Gov. Michelle Lujan Grisham. The Santa Fe New Mexican reports that some distance, which is fine with the tarps. Cops give them five to 15 minutes House Speaker Brian Egolf, Senate Majority The Bank small group of people gathered. They are to pack up and move on. They aren’t able Leader Peter Wirth, Senate President Pro Tem At first, the drive up Coal Avenue is standing awkwardly about 7 feet apart to self-isolate if they wanted to; if Mary Kay Papen and Senate Finance notable for all the trees blossoming along Committee Chairman John Arthur Smith told from one another. Albuquerque will be made to isolate at reporters that a special session is likely now its edges as one approaches the edge of Keller spends a few minutes talking home, where will [the homeless] go?” that the public health emergency surrounding the university district. Today, the drive is about visiting the city parks near one’s COVID-19 has forced the state to question its also notable because our reporter is the home and how important it is to stay prior budgetary decisions. The Elderly A dip in the price of oil has also contributed only one driving this stretch of road on close to home. He also makes a clear While on the phone with Vasquez, our to concerns that the budgetary forecast for what would normally be a super-busy day distinction between the terms “shelter in reporter receives a message from Margie 2021 was incorrect. Last week, House in Burque. place” and “stay home order.” He says to McCurry. McCurry, a Ph.D who retired in Republicans reportedly sent a letter to Gov. Another reader had called our reporter Lujan Grisham voicing concerns about the be ready for the unexpected, but his tone Albuquerque, is a former Albuquerque future of the oil and gas industry. They called at 8am that morning to tell him that she is optimistic. Even as he reminds those in Tribune staffer. She is 85 years old. Here is for the state to save its reserves and enact just got off the phone with her bank and attendance and streaming the briefing what she knows so far about the COVID- budget cuts. thought it would soon be closed because online, in the myth-buster segment of the Wirth and Egolf are reportedly considering 19 outbreak in Albuquerque. the logistics and constitutionality of holding a of an imminent “stay at home order” to be presser, that warmer weather may not be “I’m extremely impressed how The “virtual session.” a announced in Albuquerque on Monday. a solution to the outbreak, as some have Montebello on Academy retirement
[6] WEEKLY ALIBI MARCH 26-APRIL 1, 2020 NEWS | ON ASSIGNMENT by August March community staff here in Albuquerque has panicking, and that is the thing that is quickly stepped into quarantine mode. All going to make things worse. Look, 150-plus of us [elders] are ‘sheltering in August, don’t come to the hospital—tell place’ in our individual apartments. Our your friends not to come here to the beautiful dining room is closed, but the [emergency room] unless they really need waiters are delivering the delicious meals to come. If you are symptomatic, please to our individual apartments.” have someone help you contact the New Asked about protective matters, the Mexico Department of Health.” retired journalist and current PR maven When asked about other advice for told Weekly Alibi that, “Everyone entering citizens involuntarily drafted into this our lobby is stopped at the front doors fight— which, by the way, means all of (residents included), temperatures are us—they are firm but clear, stating, taken and each [is] questioned regarding “Please stay at home. We are here, and we travel and possible exposure.” are ready if you need us.” Despite these restrictions and the possibility of a formal order calling for a Stay at Home “stay at home” message to come from the Then, at 3pm on Monday afternoon, the governor later on Monday afternoon, governor spoke. Here is what she said. As McCurry seems positive and believes that of Monday, New Mexico Governor strict social distancing may help an Michelle Lujan Grisham told the state, already dire situation from advancing as it there were 83 COVID-19 cases. has in Italy and Spain. She also clarified the Department of Health’s emergency public health order. In the Neighborhood It is an instruction to stay home, she said. Before talking to a local nurse on the Residents of the state of New Mexico, phone, our Alibi reporter takes a walk unless they are involved in essential through the country club section of business, must stay home. Gatherings Albuquerque. It’s well after lunch and larger than five people are also more than a few citizens are strolling prohibited. “If you don’t take this through the neighborhood. seriously, we can’t reduce the effects of At a home construction site, he runs COVID-19,” the governor said, calmly into a group of workers laying the and firmly. concrete driveway for a new home. They “The goal is to make sure, as we see call out greetings to him in Spanish. Our more cases—and we have community reporter asks the men how they are spread—is to limit that spread. You owe it faring, and one of them steps a bit to your neighbors, your friends and your forward and while still maintaining a community,” she reminded New distance of about 10 feet, began by telling Mexicans. “I need New Mexicans to heed August March, “No tengas miedo, amigo.” this [order]. ... I need New Mexicans to “Don’t be afraid, my friend,” the do their part,” Lujan Grisham concluded. construction foreman, whose name is Firpo Gonzales, tells him. The man then Tuesday Afternoon lifts his hat, smiles and points to the sun. Just before finishing up the paper and Otherwise, everyone our reporter sending it off to the printer, our meets is distant and quiet. The family of newsroom notes the following four walking their dogs, the couple developments in the ongoing war against dressed in fluorescent green COVID-19. windbreakers, the two teens with bright- At Tuesday’s press briefing, Mayor Tim blue hair and skateboards all wave and Keller announced that city hospitals smile, but don’t talk or come any nearer. would no longer allow visitors. Further, all public buildings, including city hall, are The Nurse now closed. Additionally, golf courses and Our reporter returns home after walking Headstart Pre-K programs have also been for 30 minutes. Now it is early afternoon closed. Finally, starting this weekend, city on Monday, March 23, 2020. He dials the buses will begin running on Saturday number of a nurse he knows. They work schedule every day. On Saturday, March at one of this area’s major hospitals. 28, ART service will be stopped until After a ponderous silence, they finally further notice. speak in hushed tones before blurting • The local daily reports that the New out, “Look, I’m sorry. I don’t want you to Mexico Supreme Court issued an order tell people my name. I’m scared. I’m today halting evictions of those tenants scared for my family. I’ve been putting in who face such a circumstance because of 18-hour days now for an entire week.” inability to pay rent. After assuring them that I would • KOB-TV reports that Sandoval protect their identity, their voice seemed County is no longer seeking to release to relax and they continued: “I do know nonviolent inmates from its detention one thing. It’s so important that people facility in Bernalillo, N.M. a don’t panic. So many of us are already
MARCH 26-APRIL 1, 2020 WEEKLY ALIBI [7] ARTS | ARTS INTERVIEW by Clarke Condé FOUND OBJECTS BY CLARKE CONDÉ Local Short Fiction by Subscription Free Books Plot Duckies delivers literary goods
taying in? How about That one was fun because it was reading a good story a conversation between a cover S from a local author right artist and a writer. The cover here in New Mexico? That is artist was talking about, “Oh the idea behind the new yeah, me and my husband did subscription service that this thing and we showed up in brings a new short story by a Albuquerque at midnight at the New Mexican author to the De Anza. Then we were like, we tablet or other such e-reading don’t know if we’re going to device every week. Author and stay.” It ended up changing publisher Sonja Dewing came their lives. So, the writer wrote up with the concept after the story. That’s the first one.
working with writers to The next story they get is a CONDÉ CLARKE develop their work for years in roller derby mystery [titled] Stuck at home not wanting to get ill from workshops and then not “Deadly Derby: Heads Will human interaction? Why not read a book? seeing it get the attention it Roll.” It’s a big mix of different Little Free Libraries are outdoors, open 24/7 deserves. Dewing decided to genres. and we have plenty of them. There are no skip the middleman and bring librarians and no costs whatsoever. Think of this work to readers directly. These a r e del i v er ed once a them like those “take a penny, leave a penny” jars they used to have at stores. You It’s a bold idea, but one that’s month? can take a book, or leave a book—no perfect in this time of staying Normally, yes. If they want, human interaction required! There are over home. Weekly Alibi spoke with they can pay $1.99 a month 100,000 of them worldwide and quite a few Dewing from a safe distance and they’ll get it once a month. right here in Albuquerque. For more about the stories, the But if they want [to] and they information and a list of Little Free Library locations of this free, all-ages resource, see subscriptions and a bit about pay $23 upfront, they’ll get one littlefreelibrary.org. the De Anza Motor Inn. The story a week for 12 weeks. I’m following is an edited version thinking people might want on that conversation. more content right now. Tamarind Techniques Odds are you don’t know as much about Weekly Alibi: How did the DUCKIESPLOT H a v e y ou see n subscr i p t i ons lithography as you could. Fortunately, stories subscriptions begin? i ncr e a se since we ’v e be e n Albuquerque’s own Tamarind Institute has five how-to videos ready for viewing online Sonja Dewing: My company homeb ound? at tamarind.unm.edu. Narrated by Tamarind Plot Duckies holds an event I have gotten more purchases Master Printer and Education Director called the Short Storyathon “Midnight at the De Anza Motor Inn” by Katy Hammel of the subscription. I emailed Brandon Gunn, these are a quick way to go and idea behind that was to those people who purchase the behind the scenes at Tamarind and find out a bit more about printing. get people to come to an event, write have the time or they don’t know how. subscription already and most of them a short story in a weekend and publish I decided it would be great to share do want it weekly. There’s also a gift to Amazon. I know a lot of people their stories to a wider audience by option if someone wants to gift it to Relief who’ve written a story and they’re offering this subscription and I would family and friends. Thankfully, relief funds are springing up to concerned about publishing it, like, do the advertising for them. The help working artists throughout the world they don’t want anybody to see it. So, royalty—I’m actually going to be H ow ma ny a uthors d o y ou hav e ? who can’t work during this COVID-19 the whole idea is to get people all the pandemic. One local group has established paying them a 50 percent royalty I think I have 17 different authors. a fund to help out Albuquerque artists in way through the process, but it’s not during this month and next month need. Arts Hub is providing one-time an easy weekend. By Friday night, you just so hopefully they get a little more So, t his i s a n ongoing p r oce ss of findi ng emergency relief funds of up to $300 per have to have your idea. Saturday is income from their stories. new l oca l a uthors a nd st or i e s? individual and is currently seeking writing, editing and then we review Corre ct. It’s a bit stalled right now. donations. They have partnered with JBIT each other’s work. We edit again, then Tech to match donations made by March 26 These a r e a l l New Mex i ca n a uthors? of up to $1,000. To find out more, to donate it gets sent off to professional editors. Yes, they are. H ow d o p ot e nti a l a uthors get i nvol v e d ? or to apply for relief funds, see Sunday morning, we edit again from If they’re interested, they should abqartshub.com. what the editors sent us. We either H ow l ong a r e t hese st or i e s? follow our Fa cebook page or sign up hire a cover artist, though one person Anywhere from 3,000 words to 5,000. for our newsletter on our website. usually wins a free cover, or we design It’s a 15-to-30 minute read. We’ll keep them updated on the next Library Resources A lot of lists are springing up online that our own covers for the stories, and event because they need to come to then we publish to Amazon. aggregate resources, but one not to What k i nd of k i nd of st or i e s a r e t hey ? the Short Storyathon. I know that if overlook is the local library. While I started realizing we have all these There are all kinds. The first story they can make it through a Short Albuquerque’s libraries are closed to the great short stories from all these everyone gets is a fictionalized story, Storyathon, they can write a great public, their online resources are not. writers. Some of these have made but it came from someone sharing a story. a Ebooks, as well as movies, music and classes are there for you at their website. Amazon Hot Reads for weeks, so true story. It’s about two people they’re pretty fantastic stories, but a There is a shockingly large array of materials traveling and deciding to stay in F or more in forma t ion, visit available for the homebound, including lot of these writers don’t have their Albuquerque about 10 years ago. They plot duckies.com. young children who may be bouncing off own ability to advertise. They don’t stopped at the De Anza Motor Inn. the walls. See them all at abqlibrary.org. a
MARCH 26-APRIL 1, 2020 WEEKLY ALIBI [9] ISOLATION LOG FOOD | FOOD FOR THOUGHT by Dan Pennington BY DAN PENNINGTON Day 1 Now that I’m not leaving home, I’ve been On Metaphors and Pizza super-excited to get to all the things I’ve put off. On the docket for the first day was snacks, Netflix, getting some serious playtime in with the pets and, of course, more snacks. Dion’s delivery is a welcome change during the end times Gotta say, this is a much-needed vacation and I’m gonna come out of it looking tan and lean. keep hearing that things won’t be the same after all this is done, and in a way, Day 2 II feel glad. There’s a cause I’ve been advocating for years, something near and I feel super well rested after a night of dear to my heart. I try not to hold strong celebration. My day today was actually pretty opinions when it comes to my section, but much the same as yesterday. Digging back into those snacks, and decided to watch in times like these, maybe now is the best through Supernatural again. The dogs were opportunity to speak up. If things do need ready to go with playtime again, so we were to change now, why not change them for back at it with ball throwing in the yard! the better? Why not use what we learn from all of this and make improvements for the future? I’m tired of hearing it can’t be done, Day 3 yet in the course of a week, massive changes Today was a self-improvement day. Decided were made to accommodate and put in to spend a large part of it learning guitar and place the systems needed to pull it off. I watching more Netflix. Also decided to start am, of course, talking about Dion’s offering making small updates on the house, like delivery. switching some old light fixtures for new ones. It can’t be that hard to rewire an We’ve been told for years that it was electrical circuit for overhead lights instead of logistically impossible. In terms of fluorescent tubes, right? infrastructure, Dion’s just didn’t have any way to implement a delivery system. Think about it. You need to retrain people on how Day 4 to take delivery orders, you’d have to build I severely underestimated how many snacks I a whole new section of the website and then would need for two weeks. Rations have train and hire drivers to go out and deliver begun. I am currently allotting myself one- the food itself. There was just no way to third of a granola bar a day. A box of Nerds I make that happen under the old structure. found have been hidden away for Yet, here in the midst of the storm, Dion’s safekeeping, lest my home is raided. I took the dogs to go play fetch. At the sight of the rolled out the necessary changes to deliver, ball, they turned and chose to sleep in the making sure pizzas got where they needed dirt. I am beginning to think they question my to be. An online site was put together, leadership. rolled out and functioning within a week of deciding social distancing and restaurants didn’t go together. It is amazing what Day 5 happens when times become desperate. Sam! Just tell Dean what is going on with Another complaint I’ve heard is that it your feelings, and also demons! Every year would cost too much. Part of that cost you all do this! Just be open and honest, my would be rolled into the previous statement, god! In other news, I no longer have working lights in any room of my home. Probably with the training and all. Who would be should have done the fixtures one at a time paying for all these new positions? Do we, rather than all at once. I have begun traversing the customers and consumers, eat this cost my house with a candle. with our pizza? The multitude of questions centered around cost always seem to be the biggest talking point in the argument. Yet, Just give us the cheesy goodness straight to our door please! DAN PENNINGTON Day 6 when it became clear that people in need of I saw the mailman today. I wanted to go out pizza delivery were a top priority, the up paying for it? Ordering Dion’s pizza and quality is just as important for their and touch his face, only for a second, to organization coalesced, with no changes in a salad fed the lady and I for two days business. More jobs in pizza making will be remember human touch. Social distancing pricing or cost, because, at the end of the straight and it was fairly reasonable in cost, created to handle the uptick in business, and the fact we don’t know each other day, it was more viable than the current prevented me. I have dug through my all while being delicious. You can’t argue helping to benefit everyone. cabinets for food and found that I have 15 system in place. All it took was a national that when looking at national chains and At the end of the day, it all comes down boxes of Hamburger Helper but no emergency to show that we could pull it off their options. to this, in regard to complaints. None of it hamburger to be helped. Experiments have with no problems. Tell me if you’ve heard this one before! matters, because when things went shown it to be just bad mac and cheese with Let’s say you’re one of those people who If everyone has delivery, food will take sideways, we made it happen. I have heard no meat. I persevere. likes having other delivery choices. Can I be longer to get to us. With apps like the complaints for years now, but when we real with you for a second? Are other pizza Doordash and Postmates, the system got down to brass tacks, the answer was, deliveries really that great? Or have you doesn’t get overloaded. Turns out that the “Just do it for the good of everyone,” which Day 7 bought into the idea that you like them capacity to handle extra delivery orders was is exactly what happened. Look, everyone is I wonder if the outside world remembers me. even though they’re always a struggle to possible all along, and it hasn’t made a entitled to their opinion’s and, currently, I held a ball up, and my dogs turned away deal with? Sure, upfront, it might seem significant slowdown in food prep or sales. the free market system our country operates from me. I think they’re plotting against me, good. Order a pizza, have it delivered and perhaps planning a coup. I broke all the Additionally, when you look at peak times on lets growth be decided by who has the strings on my guitar, so learning has halted enjoy, but then you’ve got all the hidden where their system has been overloaded by best options versus cost, letting consumers completely. The mailman saw me staring at fees. You wanted a cheesy bread with that regular walk-ins, no one bats an eye. That’s make the choice. But we can also be real him through the window. He felt my hunger order? Sure we’ll give you those, but only if just the way it is, they’ll say. It’s just the and say that we’re shocked most of those through my stare. I don’t think he plans on you spend $20 on the pizza itself first. But nature of things, they scoff. The point is the options are still there. No one happily eats returning ever again. I have electrocuted then, someplace like Pizza Hut brings you system will manage if delivery is thrown at Domino’s when they could have Dion’s, myself no less than nine times through a the food you paid so much for, and it turns into the mix, because at the end of the day, but when it comes to having it brought circuit box I was sure was off. The granola out to be only mediocre. We’ve all been bars are gone, and I have lost track of where I Dion’s still manages to pull it all off without straight to your door, up until now, it wasn’t hid the Nerds. Dinner was a hot dog that had there and lived through that struggle. What falling apart because that’s always been an option. What I’m saying is, now that been left in the fridge drawer for who knows good is a delivery pizza that tastes average what they do, ensuring the delight of diners we’ve seen how well it works, once all this is how long. I microwaved it. It split down the at best and doesn’t even offer a with their pizza and reducing wait times will over, maybe we can keep it? I think the rest middle. I related. a comprehensive meal for the price you end always be top priority, but maintaining of us would prefer it that way. a
[10] WEEKLY ALIBI MARCH 26-APRIL 1, 2020 FILM | IDIOT BOX by Devin D. O’Leary REEL WORLD BY DEVIN D. O’LEARY Cinematic Takeout Home Theater With social distancing a top priority in order to slow the spread of COVID-19, movie theaters have closed their doors nationwide. Albuquerque is no exception. But that Global pandemic changes cinema scene doesn’t mean you can’t support your local eems like it was less than three months Vin Diesel as an American soldier who gets theaters and catch some cool films anyway. ago (it was) when I used the mediocre killed and resurrected via nanobots that Even as we speak, distributors are coming up success of Star Wars: The Rise of transform him into a near-invincible with ingenious new ideas for getting films in S front of appreciative eyeballs. Skywalker’s theatrical release by Walt Disney superhero. In announcing the film’s move to Albuquerque’s locally owned arthouse Studios and the runaway popularity of “The streaming, Sony Pictures Entertainment theater Guild Cinema has hooked up with a Mandalorian” on Disney+ streaming to Motion Picture Group’s chairman Tom number of distributors who are now demonstrate how television series have taken Rothman told Variety, “Sony Pictures is firmly providing “theatrical at home” screenings. over the entertainment industry reins from You stream the film in the privacy and safety committed to theatrical exhibition and we of your own home on your theatrical motion pictures. And now we find support windowing.” After giving lip service to computer/TV/iPad/etc. and the theater of your ourselves in uncharted territory. The rapid the status quo, he continued. “This is a unique choice gets a portion of the rental fee. A total spread of COVID-19 has closed movie theaters and exceedingly rare circumstance where win-win! Writer-director Gary Lundgren’s nationwide and forced the ailing film industry theaters have been required to close genial indie comedy Phoenix, Oregon was into a premature coma. A coma from which it supposed to open at Guild Cinema on March nationwide for the greater good and Bloodshot 20. Now, thanks to distributor Joma Films, may not awaken. is abruptly unavailable in any medium. it’s opening online and sharing part of its With AMC (8,043 screens nationwide), Audiences will now have the chance to own profits with the theater. The indie comedy Regal (7.206 screens) and Cinemark (4,630 Bloodshot right away and see it at home, where tells the story of two middle-aged pals who screens) closing down their movie theaters and we are all spending more time. We are quit their jobs to live out their dreams of many municipalities across America banning restoring an old bowling alley and serving confident that—like other businesses hit hard “the world’s greatest pizza.” The film costs a public gatherings larger than 100 people, by the virus—movie theaters will bounce back mere $6.50 to watch at home and can be Hollywood waved the white flag and admitted strongly, and we will be there to support accessed for 48 hours. (Be sure to click that the traditional theatrical path for films is them.” “Guild Cinema” on the “Choose Theater to gone (at least for the time being). All motion It remains to be seen if other studios will Support” tab—that ensures that a portion of the profits flows back to Albuquerque.) pictures, large and small, have had their service. Universal Pictures followed up by jump on this bandwagon, dumping big budget Film Movement is also teaming up with theatrical releases pulled or postponed. announcing that many of its films still in summer tentpoles like Wonder Woman 1984 Guild (and various other arthouse theaters But Hollywood isn’t about to give up all its theaters (The Hunt, The Invisible Man and and Top Gun: Maverick directly to home across America) to offer a slate of watch-at- box office profits. And so studios have rushed Emma. among them) would now be available streaming or wait out this COVID-19 home options. There’s the Polish drama to get their films in front of viewers by on VOD/streaming services for a mere $19.99 pandemic, moving opening dates to later in Corpus Christi, about a young criminal who experiences a spiritual transformation in jail. collapsing the traditional theatrical/home (for a 48-hour rental). Universal said it would the year when movie theaters are allowed to Although his record prevents him from window. In the past, film distributors preferred start rolling out its new slate of films as well. reopen. By that time, will American viewing applying to the seminary, he has no intention a solid 90-day “window” between the time The animated sequel Trolls World Tour is the habits have fundamentally changed? Will of giving up his dream of becoming a small- films were playing in theaters and the time first of those new films slated to hit home viewers, already comfortable with giant screen town minister. Bertrand Bonello’s they were available for home consumption. streaming on April 10. Warner Bros., unwilling TVs and digital streaming, give up on movie atmospheric fantasy Zombi Child spins a split narrative: A man is brought back from the a This allowed theaters to make their money to be left behind, shunted Harley Quinn: Birds theaters altogether? dead to work at a sugar cane plantation in and gave home video/DVD distributors of Prey to streaming as well. Disney/Pixar’s Haiti, and 55 years later, a Haitian teenager at enough time to build up their ad campaigns. animated fantasy Onward (released three weeks The Hunt, The Invisible Man, Emma., Harley a boarding school in France spills a With the disappearance of physical media, that ago) is already available on digital streaming Quinn: Birds of Prey, Bloodshot, Onward, dangerous family secret to her friends. Yi’nan window of distribution has been shrinking. Sonic the Hedgehog and many others are now Diao’s The Wild Goose Lake is a Chinese and will hit Disney+ starting April 3. crime drama about a gangster on the run Today, it’s gone altogether. On top of the final US theatrical box office, available for home viewing on Amazon, Apple, Comcast, Vudu, Google, YouTube, Fandango, who sacrifices everything for his family and a Two weeks ago, Disney rushed the hit for what it’s worth (a mere $9.5 million), was woman he meets while on the lam. Film animated film Frozen II (still playing in just Sony Pictures’ Bloodshot. Based on the Valiant DirecTV, Charter, Dish, Cox. Altice, Verizon, Movement is offering a couple foreign over 150 theaters) to its Disney+ streaming comic book of the same name, the films stars Sony and Frontier TV. classics as well: Luchino Visconti’s 1976 cynical romance L’Innocente (about an aristocrat with a mistress who becomes Saddam”) comes to America. In the wake of the the Mayor,” “Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great American invasion of Iraq—back in 2003—an Iraqi ex- Job!” “Check It Out! with Dr. Steve Brule”) star in enamored with his wife again when he WEEK IN policeman (Waleed Zuaiter) teams up with a British cop some more live-action weirdness. I’d describe the suspects she has been unfaithful) and Bruno SLOTH (Bertie Carvel) to solve a murder for the coalition forces. show, but … if you’re fans you know how pointless Barreto’s 1976 sex comedy Dona Flor and “Be Our Chef ” (Disney+ streaming anytime) Angela that would be. Her Two Husbands (in which a Brazilian Kinsey (from “The Office”) hosts this family cooking “Almost Paradise” (WGN 8pm) A former DEA woman remarries only to find herself pursued competition. Good to see the proliferation of streaming undercover agent (Christian Kane from “The by the amorous ghost of her dead husband). THURSDAY 26 services is really bolstering Hollywood’s creativity. A Librarians” and “Leverage”) is forced into early cooking competition? Only the imagineers at Disney retirement and ends up operating a gift shop on a These films are all $12 for a three-day “Unorthodox” (Netflix steaming anytime) A Hasidic could have come up with something like that! small tropical island in the Philippine Archipelago. streaming rental. Jewish woman in Brooklyn flees to Berlin to escape “Making the Cut” (Amazon Prime streaming anytime) Naturally, his transition from Jason Bourne to Jimmy To check out any of these films, simply go an arranged marriage and is taken in by a group of Heidi Klum and Tim Gunn from “Project Runway” host Buffett doesn’t go as expected. Seems the island is to the Guild Cinema website musicians in this four-part German miniseries based this reality competition pitting 12 designers against one home to loads of international criminal elites, whom on the 2012 memoir by Deborah Feldman. another in a series of fashion-based challenges. So, yeah, our hero is forced to battle on a weekly basis. (guildcinema.com) and click on the links. Kill Chain: The Cyber War on America’s Election (HBO “Project Runway.” But on a totally different network! 7pm) This seems timely. In case you didn’t notice “Steven Universe Future” (Cartoon Network 8:30pm) TUESDAY 31 among all the stuff that’s happening in the news right Rebecca Sugar’s all-inclusive sci-fi cartoon comes to an Poster Child now, the Department of Justice dropped all federal end with this series finale. “Coachella: 20 Years in the Desert” (YouTube charges last week against the Russian firms accused of Premium streaming anytime) The infamous annual With the curtains of the Guild Cinema closed interfering in our last presidential election. concert is postponed. But if you wanna dress up in and the projector dark, the theater has found SUNDAY 29 Uggs and light-up kitty ears in the privacy of your its movie poster boxes somewhat own home, you can always do so while watching this FRIDAY 27 “Danger Force” (Nickelodeon 6pm) This spin-off of musical documentary. underused. Owner Keif Henley has come up Nick’s live-action superhero series “Henry Danger” with a novel way to fill those empty display “Vagrant Queen” (Syfy 8pm) Based on the comic book finds Captain Man (Cooper Barnes) recruiting a new “The Secret of Skinwalker Ranch” (History 8:03pm) by Magdalene Visaggio and Jason Smith, this sci-fi team of kid sidekick superheroes. The notorious Sherman Ranch in Utah, home to cases at 3405 Central Ave. NE—he’s offering saga follows the adventures of an orphaned queen assorted them up to any “local graphic artists, weirdo (Adriyan Rae, “Light As a Feather”) who refuses to “Dolly Parton: Here She Comes Again!” (Reelz 7pm) UFO/Bigfoot/ghost/werewolf/extradimensional picture makers, wack imagesters and the accept her true title and jumps on a spaceship to Reelz rebroadcasts ABC’s documentary/musical look at phenomena, finally gets its own docureality show scavenge, get into fights and generally rebel against the life and career of country music legend Dolly Parton. along the lines of “The Curse of Oak Island” and like.” If you’ve got something you’d like to the evil government. Like ya do. countless ghosthunting shows. … Which means we contribute for temporary display, Henley will “Somewhere South” (KNME-5 9pm) Celebrity chef, MONDAY 30 can now look forward to roughly five seasons of be rotating local art in his three outdoor author and restaurateur Vivian Howard heads out on seeing absolutely nothing captured on camera. movie poster frames until the theater a “culinary tour” of the American South. “Three Busy Debras” (Cartoon Network 1am) Sandy reopens. All artwork needs to be between Honig, Mitra Jouhari, Alyssa Stonoha (of the sketch comedy troupe Three Busy Debras) create and star in WEDNESDAY 1 24” wide x 35” tall and 27” wide x 40” tall. SATURDAY 28 this surreal (live-action) sitcom about three housewives “How to Fix a Drug Scandal” (Netflix streaming The suggested “theme” of the artwork in suburban Connecticut. “Baghdad Central” (Hulu streaming anytime) The anytime) Netflix’s latest shocking docuseries looks should be “intermission, downtime, back in a British-made, Middle East-set crime drama from “Beef House” (Cartoon Network 1:15am) Anti-comedy into how a couple of drug-addicted police crime lab few, etc.” Contact the theater at Stephen Butchard (“The Last Kingdom,” “House of kings Tim Heidecker and Eric Wareheim (“Tom Goes to chemists faked results, causing hundreds of criminal a convictions to be overturned in Massachusetts. a info@guildcinema for more info. MARCH 26-APRIL 1, 2020 WEEKLY ALIBI [11] MUSIC | INTERVIEW by August March Corley’s Jazz Emerson, EJazz and the community react
I tell you. It seems like it struggling musicians right now by doing reschedule, we’re looking at hopefully starts at about 7am for music videos at the church. August. me every day and I don’t let go until 1am the next I hadn’t heard about that! I reckon it might be until the end of morning. Yeah, he came up with this great idea. They summer too. I think the next few weeks I know, right? Man, what did a spot on one of the local television are going to determine the direction this a ride this is. stations and he put it out on Facebook, too. will go. The message was if you’re a local musician Right. We just don’t know. But the things I hope you and yours and want to do a music video, we’ll pay your that worry me the most about these times, are okay. people $100 per person to do this. August, is not having music for the fans. We are. We’re glad to be That’s important. But the other thing that’s working, because I have a That’s amazing and wonderful. important to know is that musicians rely on good job, I’m very, very Yeah! And for only about 15 minutes’ worth gigs. There are a lot of musicians out of work busy. People want to talk of work. I’m like, “Oh yeah, we’re down for in this town right now. I’m very worried to their therapist right that!” So I got in touch with him right away. about that. I’m very worried about how to now. [Disclosure: By day, And we were in there in, like, two days. And help them get through these troubled times. Emerson Corley is a there were six of us. mental health provider]. I know a lot of them depend on music I’m used to working a lot, Did you have to bring in all of the lessons or instruction, too. August, in my day job. Several of our full-time musicians, people in Emerson Corley and EJazz COURTESY OF THE ARTIST equipment and instruments? But this is really getting I own all of the equipment, so I just took it the ensemble, are also music teachers. I’m crazy. I’m exhausted. all into the church and set it up just like I worried about that; I’m trying to make a hile the COVID-19 pandemic would for a normal gig. We wiped all of our commitment to help them through this very wreaks havoc on the music and Now’s the time when we have to keep our stuff down before we loaded in. Of course difficult time. We’re all in this together. W entertainment industry, the people strength up. Roger [Baker] got to play on a different behind the whole schmear—the artists, We have to keep it stepped up and going. grand piano [than the one he’s used to]. The What are you doing to help right now? musicians, technicians and a wide church has a great grand piano. And, of I came up with this hashtag that I’ve been assortment of service workers—continue to Speaking of keeping things up and going, I course, Marren [Hatch] brought her own trying to put everywhere, in our emails, on suffer economically as well as perhaps saw this fantastic photo on Facebook and bass. But I brought in all of the sound our social media pages. The hashtag is emotionally and psychologically. Instagram that you took with the EJazz equipment and the drums—microphones #BetterTogether, you know? We are all So we were pleasantly surprised to see the Ensemble this past week. and stuff. better together, August. friendly, fancy and familiar faces of Entourage Jazz lighting up the social media [Emerson laughs heartily]. world this week with a photo they took at St. What song did you perform? I hear you and I think it’s important to John’s United Methodist Church. Can you tell our readers the story behind We did “’Deed I Do.” It should be out stress community right now. We should all They were there to shoot a video in a that photo? sometime this week. It’s a jazz standard that be working together to take care of each venue that is welcoming musicians to come Sure. That morning I went to Java Joe’s we always do and is very popular with our other as much as possible. play under their roof at a time when most of because I’m trying to help local businesses audiences. I haven’t seen it yet. But the video That makes me go into my therapist mode the gigs in town have dried up and blown stay in business during these hard times. I will be on the “Music From St. John’s” site bit. That’s what this this. In troubling times, away thanks to a worldwide event that is still used to go to Java Joe’s three or four times a [musicatstjohns.org]. It used to be “Music At in times of the deepest struggle, we have an shocking our entire world daily. St. John’s,” but they changed it because of incredible opportunity to help each other in The two best things about that week to get my coffee. I think they have the photographic record of Albuquerque best coffee in all of Albuquerque. Anyway, I the outbreak. One of the things I noticed on different ways that we could have never, musicians making a go of it—during one of went and I saw the Alibi out there in front of the St. John’s videos that I was seeing— never have imagined. This is the time to the roughest times our city has ever Java Joe’s. because the series crosses genres—is the create those moments. It’s an opportunity to endured—are easily visible when one glances diversity of local talent. You know, Jim come together for new purposes. And for at the picture. Then what? Ahrends, he’s the pianist at St. John’s now. repurposing, too. And we should begin The people in front of the lens are happy, He’s been hanging there and did a really looking at relationships in different ways, giving off an optimistic vibe that speaks to Then I saw the cover and thought to myself, “My gosh, this is the best cover ever!” cool version of “Nearer, My God, to Thee” because, hello, we need each other. their strength as Burqueños. What’s more, for the series. It’s all really chill and that’s take a look at the object that bandleader Emerson Corley is holding in their hands. the feeling we wanted to go into the video How does that work? Why? session. That’s right folks, it’s the good ol’ Weekly Because I love all things British, August. Whether it’s for music, whether it’s in Alibi, held out for all to see as yet another Like right now, I’m sitting in my home office friendship or in relationships, we are all testament to how we all plan to proceed in So that’s what you were thinking when looking at this huge Union Jack flag and connected. this time of great caution and even outright you got the idea ... fear. that cover reminded me of something straight out of British culture. Yeah and I told them that I had this great How does music fit in? Our music editor wondered about what idea. I said let’s take this picture in the that image meant—to Emerson, to her Thank God we have the technology to share sanctuary while practicing social distancing esteemed ensemble of collaborators and How so? music like we do now. Can you imagine if innovators and to the city as a whole. while I hold the Alibi. We wanted something this happened in the 1980s? Online music is I saw the whole Keep Calm message as that would get people dancing in the house. I So, in order to get the lowdown on the something something the Queen might have seen all over the world. It’s important to be local scene—at least according to one of the thought, let’s get people dancing in their as creative as possible. Another thing is you city’s most recognizably awesome proclaimed. Keep calm and wash your hands kitchen. If they’re at home, let’s get them up. has got to be the best message ever; it’s the can send the city a video and they’ll put it up musicians—we let our fingers do the And I knew that “’Deed I Do” was the best on GOV TV*. How cool is that? a walking. It was easy enough to reach out to best cover ever, too. It’s reserved yet positive. tune to do that. You just cannot sit still to this Corley via telephone. We talked all about the 1926 tune by Fred Rose and Walter Hirsch. music community and how we can come out Tell me more. *Music Editor’s Note: To find our more about of a very intense situation largely intact, if we That morning, after Java Joe’s, I was on my have music and each other to count on. Could you tell our readers what you’re the GOV TV video program, contact Diego way to a video shoot at St. John’s United facing as a musician today in Lucero, Media Resources Manager at ABQ Methodist Church. We were going to do an Albuquerque? Weekly Alibi: Hey, Emerson! How’s it video shoot with the band and so, Matt Cultural Services via email to going? Many of our performances have been [email protected]. Grier, the music director over there at St. canceled or postponed. We’re trying to Emerson Corley: Oh, man! It’s going, man. John’s, had this great idea to help pay How about yourself?
[12] WEEKLY ALIBI MARCH 26-APRIL 1, 2020 BAKED GOODS | CANNABIS NEWS by Joshua Lee Nowhere To Go Social distancing and dispensaries
t’s turning into a ghost town out and dispensaries in California are there, and you’ve likely gone to strained to the limits. Iground avoiding contact with David Downs, the California the new novel coronavirus. The Bureau Chief for Leafly, told good news is you still have access to cannabis and there seems to be reporters that the state’s supply is no shortage in sight. Phew. doing fine and isn’t in any danger Last week we talked about the of being depleted anytime soon. possibility of facing medical The COVID-19 strain is being cannabis shortages as public felt by industry workers, health measures in New however, and many Mexico continue to become dispensaries are more stringent. Some of the reportedly turning state’s licensed producers customers away due to were attempting to fan the high demand. flames of panic and pointed out According to Headset, that if everybody bought a the cannabis markets in month’s worth of cannabis at California, Colorado, Nevada, once, we’d likely go dry. Oregon and Washington have Luckily, New Mexicans have all seen record sales since the been smart enough not to lose their outbreak of COVID-19. minds and blow out the state’s supply (if only Meanwhile, Los Angeles residents the toilet paper hoarders were as conscientious who were worried about being cut off from as the weed smokers). But COVID-19 is still their supply while much of California goes into changing the way we consume cannabis. lockdown can breathe a sigh of relief. While For one thing, sharing pipes has become an the state has ordered all “non-essential absolute no-no. According to the state’s businesses and areas” to close, the City of Los medical cannabis law, sharing your medical Angeles has declared cannabis dispensaries cannabis is already illegal, so we know “essential businesses,” allowing them to nobody’s doing that. But let’s say you’ve continue operating. finished smoking, you’ve thoroughly emptied There are over 1,000 cases of COVID-19 the bowl … Is it okay to then pass it to your cases in California at the time of this writing. neighbor (to fill with their own medical Cannabis Industry Seeks Aid cannabis, of course) so they can then use it? We’re not super-sure about the legality of it, Despite the record-breaking sales reported in but as far as communicable disease protocol, all the nation’s marijuana hot spots, cannabis it’s absolutely a no-no! industry leaders are reportedly asking the For those of us who are used to at least federal government for a bailout. hanging out with fellow patients in close Marijuana Moment reports that a coalition of quarters to share company as we smoke: marijuana industry trade groups sent a letter Rolling Stone recommends using social media to leaders of the House and Senate, asking and telecommunication apps to stay connected that restrictions that keep cannabis businesses while maintaining a safe distance, instead. from accessing emergency relief funds be And if you’re used to going into a removed. The letter was signed by the dispensary and jawing the ‘tender’s ear off and National Cannabis Industry Association, being all social and friendly, you’re in for some National Cannabis Roundtable, Minority changes. Cannabis Business Association, Global Alliance As of this writing, most dispensaries in for Cannabis Commerce and Cannabis Trade Albuquerque are continuing to operate Federation. normally—although most are encouraging “Our members follow strict regulations, patients to call in their orders before visiting create jobs, generate billions of dollars in tax and to take advantage of curbside service to revenue … The ineligibility of cannabis practice social distancing. businesses for disaster assistance loans is But Urban Wellness, Southwest Organic especially inequitable given that these same Producers and Sacred Garden have closed cannabis businesses are required to comply their lobbies and are serving customers who with other coronavirus-related measures, such line up outside the door. Grassroots RX is as paid sick leave coverage,” the organizations offering curbside service only. Southwest wrote. “We are not seeking special treatment Wellness will only be taking two patients at a for state-legal cannabis businesses. We only time and will be serving these customers seek to have them treated on an equal level as through the window. all other job-generating, tax-paying companies These policies will likely change by the time in this country.” you read this, so make sure to call ahead if Last week, cannabis lobbyist NORML made you’re unsure. The good news is that almost an announcement that it was reaching out to every dispensary in town is offering curbside lawmakers to ensure that cannabis employees service if patients ask. have access to unemployment benefits. The group also said the congressional Families First California Stocks Up Coronavirus Response Act would give states As for cannabis consumers who can’t keep the discretion to choose how some relief funds their heads, Californians are reportedly were dispersed among businesses without stockpiling marijuana alongside toilet paper federal input. and face masks. According to KRCW radio in It’s unclear if any lawmakers have Santa Monica, Calif., cannabis delivery services responded. a MARCH 26-APRIL 1, 2020 WEEKLY ALIBI [13] Place your ad: alibi.com/ads [email protected] Classified (505) 346-0660 ext 248
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The burst of beauty you create in the path, smooth and broad, is crowded with travelers. immediate future could actually be quite large, as It goes nowhere. There’s a third path: mine. Before well as enduring. me, no one. Behind me, no one. Alone, I find my way.” APRIL FOOL! Although the passage by SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): French poet Louis Octavio Paz is mostly accurate for your destiny Aragon (1897–1982) was an influential novelist and during the rest of 2020, it’s off-kilter in one way: It’s a pioneer of surrealistic poetry. Much of his writing too ponderously serious and melodramatic. You had a lyrical quality, and many of his poems were set should find a way to carry out its advice with to music. He also had a belligerent streak. Before meditative grace and effervescent calm. the publication of one of his books, he announced that he would thrash any writer who dared to review TAURUS (April 20-May 20): A century ago, fiery it in print. Success! There were no critical reviews at writer Maxim Gorky and hard-ass Taurus politician all. I recommend his approach to you in the coming Vladimir Lenin were listening to a Beethoven weeks. Make it impossible for anyone to criticize sonata together. “I can’t listen to music too often,” you. APRIL FOOL! I lied. I would never suggest Lenin told his companion. “It affects your nerves, that you use violence to accomplish your aims. And makes you want to say stupid, nice things.” This is besides that, the coming weeks will be a favorable crucial advice for you to heed in the coming weeks, time for you to solicit feedback of all varieties, even Taurus. You need to be as smart and tough as the critical kind. possible, so don’t you dare listen to music. APRIL FOOL! Lenin was half-mistaken, and I half-lied. SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): I hesitate to be The fact is music makes you smarter and nicer, and so blunt, but it’s my duty to report the facts. those will be key assets for you to cultivate in the According to my reading of the astrological omens, coming weeks. So yes, do listen to a lot of music. you should have as many orgasms as possible in the next 15 days. You need to tap into the GEMINI (May 21-June 20): By the time he was 55 transformative psychological power that’s available years old, Gemini author Thomas Hardy had through monumental eruptions of pleasure and written 18 novels and many poems. His stuff was releases of tension. (P.S. Spiritual orgasms will be just good enough to win him two separate nominations as effective as physical orgasms.) APRIL FOOL! for a Nobel Prize in Literature. But during the last What I just said is true, but I left out an important 32 years of his life, he never wrote another novel. component of your assignment: Be loving and According to one theory, it was because he was responsible as you pursue your joyous climaxes, discouraged by the negative reviews he got for his never manipulative or exploitative or insensitive. last novel. I suspect you may be at a similar juncture in your life, Gemini. Maybe it’s time to give up on a CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Ancient Greek beloved activity that hasn’t garnered the level of orator Demosthenes was renowned for his skill at success you’d hoped for. APRIL FOOL! The truth is delivering powerful, charismatic speeches. While he it is most definitely NOT time to lose hope and was still learning his craft, he resorted to extreme faith. Don’t be like Hardy. Rededicate yourself to measures to improve. For example, there was a time your passionate quests. when he shaved just half of his head. It made him ashamed to go out in public, forcing him to spend CANCER (June 21-July 22): Cancerian theologian all his time indoors practicing his speeches. Would by Matt Jones 46 Job for a resident 13 Inky artwork John Wesley (1703–1791) was a Christian who you consider a similar strategy right now? APRIL embodied the liberal values that Christ actually FOOL! I was just messing with you. It’s true that the assistant © 2020 Matt Jones 21 “I touched your nose!” taught. He advocated for the abolition of slavery coming weeks will be a good time to minimize your 48 It has teeth but no mouth sound prison reform, the ordination of women priests, and socializing and devote yourself to hard work in 49 Do mild exercise 22 Energetic spirit a vegetarian diet. He gave away a lot of his money behalf of a beloved dream. But shaving half your Across 50 Edinburgh cap 25 Assembly of clergy and administered many charities. To accomplish his head isn’t the best way to accomplish that. life’s work, he traveled 250,000 miles on horseback 1 “Knives Out” sleuth Benoit 52 Something you can’t take 26 Capital near the Great AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): The coming weeks up at the mall Sphinx and preached 40,000 sermons. Let’s make him your 6 1/8 of a fluid ounce role model for the coming weeks. Be inspired by his will be a favorable time for you to tell as many lies as 27 Conclude from evidence 10 MTV mainstay Loder who 59 “Dear ___ Hansen” life as you vividly express your care and compassion. possible if doing so helps you get what you want. I turns 75 soon 61 Military no-show, briefly 29 “Oil!” author Sinclair APRIL FOOL! I lied a little bit. Although most of hereby authorize you to engage in massive 14 Jasmine’s pet tiger in 62 “CSI” or “NCIS” 30 Pancakes sometimes what I just recommended is a good idea, the part deceptions, misrepresentations and manipulative “Aladdin” served with caviar about traveling long distances, either on horseback messages as you seek to impose your will on every 63 Seconds, e.g. flow of events. APRIL FOOL! I lied. In fact, 31 Inclined or by other means, is not. 15 Tabula ___ (blank slate) 64 Jolt, for one everything I just said was the exact opposite of your 16 Abbr. on egg cartons 65 Chamillionaire hit 32 Swing dances LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): The neurotic but talented actual horoscope, which is as follows: You have a 17 Best effort, slangily parodied by Weird Al 33 Nightly streaming offering French novelist Marcel Proust observed, “Everything sacred duty to tell more of the truth than you have from the Met 18 Oklahoma town near 66 Has claim to vital in the world comes from neurotics. They alone ever been able to tell before. As you dig deeper to 34 Sign up again for an have founded religions and composed our discover more and more of what’s essential for you Vance AFB 67 Bend out of shape online subscription masterpieces.” With that in mind, and in accordance to understand and express, dedicate your efforts to 19 Benefit of time off 68 “Byzantium” poet 39 “It’s Not Unusual” singer with current astrological omens, I urge you to the goal of gliding along with the most beautiful 20 Request that’s asking a lot cultivate your own neurotic qualities in their and interesting flow you can find. 23 Prefix with laryngologist 41 Field involving coats-of- Down extreme forms of expression during the coming 24 Fire starter? arms weeks. You’re due for some major creative 1 Garrett of “Everybody 43 Courvoisier and 25 Bio., chem., or biochem. breakthroughs. APRIL FOOL! I was kidding. The PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Fifteen minutes before Loves Raymond” Hennessy, e.g. fact is, you can generate creative breakthroughs in 28 Overachieving college 2 Loch : Scottish :: ___ : the Big Bang occurred, where was the matter that student’s quest 44 Teeniest bit the coming weeks by being poised and composed— now constitutes your body and my body? And if, as Spanish not extra neurotic. 35 “___ Can Cook” (former 47 Do a yard job seems to be true, the Big Bang was the beginning of 3 In ___ (stuck) cooking show) 51 Callender in the frozen VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Virgo author Leon Edel time, what time was it 15 minutes earlier? Questions 4 “... and Bingo was his ___” like these are crucial for you to ponder in the next 36 Bobbing necessities food aisle wrote a five-volume biography of renowned author 5 “Allowed” time to go off a 52 “Well, heck” Henry James. In the course of his research, he read two weeks. APRIL FOOL! I lied. The questions I 37 Film segue, perhaps articulated should in fact be very low priority for regimen? 53 “Star Wars” series 15,000 letters that were written by James. He came 38 “Neato!” you. In the immediate future, you’ll be wise to be as 6 Number of e’s in creature to have a profound familiarity with the great man. 40 Carrere who sang in concrete and specific and pragmatic as you can Heidelberg? 54 Kind of proprietor In accordance with current astrological omens, I “Wayne’s World” recommend that you choose a worthy character possibly be. Focus on up-close personal questions 7 Tried to get hold of 55 Attack, like a kitty while that you can actually solve, not abstract, unsolvable 41 New ___, Conn. (home of about whom you will become equally a Yale) 8 “Oh, right!” you’re trying to work knowledgeable. APRIL FOOL! I half-lied. It’s true riddles. 42 ___ O’s (cookie-based 9 Butterfly and Bovary, for 56 “Look what I did!” that now is an excellent time to deepen your cereal) two 57 Leave out understanding of people you care about. But don’t 43 Britton in season 1 of 10 “Seven Samurai” director 58 Also-___ (election get as obsessed as Edel! HOMEWORK: TELL JOKES TO HUMORISTS. BE Akira EXTRA KIND TO KIND PEOPLE. SING SONGS TO THE “American Horror Story” conceders) LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): About 2,000 years ago, a BIRDS. CHANGE THE WAY YOU CHANGE. FREEWILLASTROLOGY.COM 45 “Able was I ___ I saw 11 Password typer, maybe 59 Moody music genre Roman woman named Sulpicia wrote six short love Elba” 12 Satnav suggestions 60 Altar words poems—a total of 40 lines—that are still being analyzed and discussed by literary scholars today. I Go to realastrology.com to check out Rob Brezsny’s expanded weekly bring her to your attention because I think that in audio horoscopes and daily text message horoscopes. 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