Bare Facts ist December '95 University of Surrey Students' Newspaper issue 863 National.. In This Issue WORLD er..Demo? AIDS DAY

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them along the route, and stage, with Jim Murphy chants for more money being (President of NUS) on stage, HURSDAY interspersed with requests for Üiey began to shout abuse and T (mostly conservative) politi- throw half full cans of beer at 23RD OF cians to have various nasty the stage. With the speeches NUS Demo NOVEMBER. things done to them. One over the demo officially come Thousands of students point of potential conflict was to an end most students sim- Page 3 winding their way across Westminster Bridge where a ply went home, but many London from Malet group of students decided lo went on to a further meet Street to Kennington hold a sit down protest, but the while others, tried to go to stewards managed to guide Charring Cross police station Park. The reason for this the rest of the demo around to demonstrate for the release procession - the NUS the obstruction. Once past the of 3 students arrested during National Demo against obstruction the demo thinned the march. Many of this latter Student Hardship. out and may have gone silent group failed to tum up at the Fourteen Surrey students were it not for a group of pri- police station after Splitting joined others, from mary school children swing- up in an attempi to outwit the Student Unions around ing on the fences, yelling and police. participating the spirit of the country, to protest for things. A case of the young For the Surrey students the more money to end showing their elders how it's day was enjoyable and they The Tedion Student hardship. done. Many other passers by retumed happy that they had explored The apparent poor show by showed their support by hoot- been apart of the demonstra- Surrey students tumed out to ing their homs and encoura- tion. Page 6 ging the students to continue. be quite respectable com- Rob Dorey pared to other larger univer- sities that only managed to Once at Kennington Park, there were a handful of mili- tum out a similar number. The tant students who began to march was generally good hu- jeer the guest speakers. At one moured, with protesters chat- ting to the police escorting News 3 NUS Demo Colour Section* Photos By Matt Pannell

The demonstratìon gets undenvay

Ai our External Ajfaìrs Offìcer, Kate Walker, does her bit

Polke search one of the three Kingsway College students who threw orange paint at the Conservative Party Chairman Brian Mahwinney last week, in protest at the Immigration and Asylum BUI. The police didn 't find anything, as she had just thrown half a dozen eggs at the NUS President, presumably in protest at something elsemobody knew what. And here's one of those adoringfans welcoming Jim Murphy with the words '^ou scabby middle class labour careerist b*****d"as he steps up to begin his speech.

At the end ofthe march, the speeches begin, and Press Offìcer, Louise Clarke, cleverly bans photographers from the photographers' enclosure. Sohere's arubbishpicture ofNUS President Jim Murphy (right), taken from miles away

* Black and White are in fact colours. Anyway, who do you think we are - Today? (We have larger circulation!) 4 Union Information Crew Love Thy Neighbour Column FIND MYSELF inconvenience, but pain Do not park dangerously OD COMPLETELY and anguish? Do you comers. IAMAZED by the think they realise they are The students who did this FTER MANY week have probably already lack of considération and jeopardising their AYEARS OF downright childishness University career if they been contacted by the police, so will have learnt a lesson, ABSENGE, of people who are ranked are caught? albeit the hard way. For the through which we have amongst the top 3% of Similarly, students parking rest of you, I simply implore suffered much pain and the population in terms of on Benbrick Road are displa- you ali to show some con- loss, here is the long ying not only complete disre- sideration for our neighbours awaited return of the intelligence. Can anyone gard for the residents there, give me one reasonable - do not empty bins or throw Crew Column. but also a worrying lack of rubbish onto their lawns, or For all those people who common sense. explanation as to why park dangerously, or scream don't know, crew are those you would empty bins Do not park in such a way down the streets in the middle that hang around at bands and over our neighbours' that you are touching otber of the night. discos near the sound and gardens? Do you think vehicles Do unto others, as you would lighting desks, on stage and in that the minority of idiots Do not park across public have others do unto you. the roof. But, there's a lot realise they are not more to being in crew than pathways Sharon Baker simply causing having a beer belly and a ma- President glite(!) such as leaming both die artistic and technical as- pects of sound and lighting. I Andrea's Affairs In the weeks to come, we will Ijy to bring you some insight be able to buy your watch, standing on the accelerator into the workings of crew. your ironing board, your jum- and the brake of your car at Crew Star Profile IRST OF ALL per... back! But be quick or the same time. What was a F someone else will have it! positive response becomes (Number 1) DON'T FORGET unhealthy over-stress. the WORLD AIDS DAY BALLOON Stress So here's a few more tips to RELA A A A X. Relax- LAUNCH - Friday Ist As I said last week, I know a ation appears to be a forgotten December at Ipm in the lot of you are very stressed - art for some of us, and yet it's Amphitheatre, come it's nearly the end of semes- a vitally important aspect of along to show your ter, you've got 10 essays to our lives. We need relaxation commitment to the fight band in next week, you've got to give our bodies time to re- EXAMS. cover, to "recharge" our bat- against HIV & AIDS. teries. if we don't relax, we'll There will be Red We use stress to "perform" soon go "fiat" and then run better to life's little surprises the risk of illness. Ribbons, condoms and - like exams - the extra various other "goodies" "boost" heips us through Différent people have différ- Name: Bamey Jeavons too. them. Afterwards, this extra ent ways of relaxing, but if Age: ? (too old!) energy is bumt up overcom- Lost Property Sale you're feeling tense and don't Dept: Union Staff ing the situation and we revert Have you lost a book, a mir- know what to do try: yoga, Position: Technical Man- back to a relaxed state. In ror, a stereo, a necklace, a reading (not your textbook, ager other words, we used the try a comic or just a "picture" coat, a....the list goes on...? Crewname: Top B1 o ke Well, if you have lost some- stress effect to our advantage. book eg. on photography or your favourite aitist), listen- (from the Civic) thing come along to the Stu- Bui what happens when Why did you start crewing: dents' Union Reception on ing to some soothing music, a there's no Channel for all this Lacic of money. No, that's a Wednesday 6th December warm bath, a massage, a extra energy? It's a bit like lie, firstly to help my friends. between 12-2 and you might walk, some exercises, a smile even! And don't go straight to How many times do you bed after revising, your brain crew a week? Basically, a Bare Facts Submissions needs a while to unwind and little all the time stop thinking. Which band would you most like to see in the The deadiine for all submi&sione is That's ali for this week, ex- Union? Who moved the S.OOpm on Mondays. Submissiona can cept for once more - "GOOD ground? be emalied to [email protected] LUCK" to those of you who If you won a £niìllion and posfed in fhe BF box oufaide the have got exams - it's not long that day the martìans in- Communications offìce, or ghwn to Rob till the holidays now. vaded and were going to blow up the worid, what Dorey, the communications offìcer. Andrea Morley would you spend the money Student Affairs Offìcer on? A present for the mar- Don't fbrget to Include your name and (Welfare & Education) tians union card number. Qubniission is no Weil, that should've given you a small taster of the world guarantee of publication. of stage crew. See ya Kate News 5 Cheesy Quavers GMay the T-shirt waned. It became equations in integral form and gernail traced a lazy spiral on easy to wear a torn Twisted a third had a picture of a pink my chest, outlining a magnetic ELIEVE ME, Sister T-shirt and effortlessly flamingo. Maxwell, you will flux path integral. Dilated B pluck damaged goods from no doubt remember, was a pupils drank deeply of my T- THE BURDEN the crowd for an interval of Scottish physicist who died in shirt. Her lips were humid and of being a male is meaningless lust, but the 1879 and whose name repre- pouting, the moist pink tip of taxing.You may think sweetest fruits, the coolest sents the cgs unit of magnetic her tongue restless and in- that spitting, swearing, white skin, the tautly defined flux equal to the flux through creasingly bold. Let's call this fragrantly moist thighs and one square centimetre normal the experimental response. drinking and generally filli, upturned breasts scarcely to a field of one gauss. A max- whiffing a bit is restrained by the sheerest well is, as if we'd forgotten, Unfortunately, Phase Two of relatively easy and wisps of delicate silk and soft equivalent to 10 to the minus this experiment has had to be reflects little more than leatìier remained unconcerned 8 weber. Not that you'd have postponed, until I can catch for our touch. They were god- forgotten, of course. my breath and escape the un- poor habits on our behalf, desses who floated above the quenchable desires of an im- but you'd be wrong. Oh crowd, pure and untouchable. Incidentally, speaking of passioned chartered so wrong. Which, of course, made them those no longer with us, did accountant drowning in path- As my Uncle Al recently even more blood-poundingly you know that the famous integrated electromagnetic helped me see, such beha- desirable. French mountaineer Gerard passion. And my mum said viours are a lure refined over Hommel died in tragic cir- science was for nerds... A quick step back into femin- cumstances? Despite being fa- the centuries to attract women Lee Hopkins into the throes of Life's main ist political history. Whole bulously famous for having events — cooking, sewing, religions have been founded gone up and down Everest six housekeeping and, at our utter and elevated into breath-tak- times it's for his death that he and indiscriminate pleasure, ing political roadshows by a is best remembered. He died uniting to form the Beast of singular concept — that of after falling off a stepladder Voting Two Backs. The essence of all Woman being created to whilst changing a kitchen light that is male demands that we serve, to be less than nothing bulb. And did you know that Rights publicly show that we have the beside the awesome majesty Marina Espina had gotten ability to reduce a member of of her mate. Utter domination through 75 years of blameless the opposite sex to quivering, and selfless debasement were life in Buenos Aires (there's a exhausted delight. But as most a woman's goal in life. To song in there, I'm sure), never HIS ARTICLE of us lack the economic re- quiver at the velvet whisper of putting herself in the way of T sources to throw around hand- her squire, to dissolve into ob- trouble. Until a poodle fell REALLY fuls of American Express livion at his touch, to be from a 13th floor landing bal- CONCERNS Gold Cards, we resort to the cleansed and reborn within his cony and fell on her head. just those living When the crowd which ga- next best thing: Deceptive ad- unrelenting exploitation, this off-campus, but for vertising. was where her ecstasy was thered to gawp grew too large, The T-shirt is a public state- cloistered. Ahhh, those were a spectator who stepped out those of you who are ment proudly worn by we men the days... into the road to get a better on-campus and have to enticingly outline the view was killed by a passing nothing better to do rugged topography of muscles Now, however, to reduce the bus. than sit around that is our manly chest. It was be-suited and careerist profes- the white tee that started sional woman to compliant But I digress. Back to the T- twiddling your thumbs women whimpering at our submission requires a hell of a shirts. The pink and not very can read it as well - I'll bodies — stars such as Mont- lot more than a frontal assault pretty flamingo one attracted let you! gomery Clift, James Dean and on her libido. She must be the expected flock of meaty Have you registered to Rock Hudson wore their white crushed and devastated, then matrons sporting sprightly vote? Last year 2 1/2 mil- tees with pride as millions of redeemed. I am pleased to an- shocks of facial hair, flaccid lion young people failed to women ogled on. Over the nounce, after long experimen- waves of cheesy flesh and register their votes, so NUS years the white tee rapidly tation, that nothing less than a grasping hands, hungry to have decided to make evolved into a coloured and T-shirt proudly emblazoned possess the manly essence. "Voter Registration" one of then patterned existence as with differential equations Let's call this the experimen- their priority campaigns femmes becamc increasingly will suffice. Indeed, nothing tal baseline, this year. To find out if you more jaded in their tastes. less than a T-shirt proudly em- are registered the List of Then a quantum leap of design blazoned with differential Phase One of the experiment Electorate will be dis- to the painted, engraved, se- equations is needed. began with me donning the tee played in the Student quinned, day-glo versions of Maxwell's equations in in- Union (on the NUS board), elevated the art form and re- Being a trainee human scien- tegral form and strolling if you've not registered just duced female minds to warm tist, a proud member of the through North London, paus- fill in one of the orange and puddles of acquiescent whim- Boiloxology Department, I ing at a computer shop to ad- blue postcards (on the re- pers. Unfortunately, only tem- selflessly conducted a control- mire the mock Intel P5/130 ception bar) and send it off porarily. led experiment, replicating the chips on display. A delicately (FREEPOST!) Remember As the increasingly bold fe- procedure of Dr. Schund from perfumed silk scarf settled you CAN be registered to male libertines of the sixties Flinders University in Ade- across my neck as if a spring vote in Guildford and at (my Uncle's phrase) evolved laide, by alternately wearing breeze, rich in new life, had home. into the ball-breaking caree- three T-shirts. One had Max- been captured and woven. As Kate Walker I turned, an immaculately rists of the nineties (my well's equations in differential External Affairs Officer phrase) the seductive power of form, another had Maxwell's sculptured and enamelled fin- 6 Features Second Interviews ESPITE THE other, some of the If you're not told in advance group discussion to see how CONTINUED attributes which certain what sort of exercises they are persuasively you communi- going to put you through you POPULARITY jobs require such as cate. If the job requires D can try to work it out. The people who can write clear of the interview as a numerica! ability or due to it all is the job descrip- and effective English, you means of selecting assertiveness are very tion. What sort of person are may be asked to draft a letter applicants for jobs, a difficult to measure in an they looking for? If they or précis a document. number of studies have want numerate applicants it's interview. not unreasonable to expect a Over the next few weeks l'il shown that, used in As a resuit, some employers, test to measure this. If you describe these exercises in isolation, it is not a particularly those recruiting will be required to display more détail and provide a few terribly successful for trainee management posi- self-confidence in the job, tips on how you might pre- tions, have devised alterna- pare for them. method. On the one they may ask you to give a tive assessment procédures. présentation in order to assess Russ Clark hand, people don't They usually bündle all these this. If assertiveness is a re- Careers Service always tum out as you together and run them in what quirement, you are highly expect them to; on the are called selection centres or likely to face some sort of assessment centres. Tedium Exposed

T BAS BEEN Since the status quo is unfor- giuons and a second new par- which much of our IQ lies RECOGNIZED for tunately here to stay the ticle the anti-IQ is formed. idle. The reduced neuron traf- many years that university has commissioned These anti-particles will then fic and inactivity of the IQ's Iduring lectures a build up some research into the prob- annihilate an IQ so reducing allows then to shake off the of some unknown lem. What is tedium and can the students intelligence. anti-IQ's which are then de- its effects be countered in stroyed by the alcohol. The However all is not lost. We substance occurs, the cheaper and less intrusive alcohol is essential as without now have a cast iron excuse effects of which are ways than giving students a it the anti-IQ's are able to to get drunk on a regular familiar to us all. week off and an open bar? float around ready to adhere basis. It seems that the IQ is The increasing drowsiness, once more when normal brain not annihilated but neu- It turns out that tedium is activity resumes (hence sleep the désire to scream some- tralised. The particle and anti- composed of a flux of par- is not a cure). thing abusive at the lecturer, ticles, tedions, which con- particle stick together (the the sinking feeling as you stitute part of the atmosphere giuons again), many anti- Since tedions are emitted at reach the end of another hour around us. They are ex- IQ's being required to en- varying intensities from the without understanding a tremely small, similar in size tirely neutralise an IQ. This is front of all lecture theatres, it word, all are manifestations to an electron, but unlike the fortunate as most of us only seems they cannot be avoided of increasing levels of te- electron have no electric have around 120 IQ's to start without missing all lectures. dium. charge and hence do not inter- with, and the conséquences of Since this is not practical (we act with other particles in running out would not be are supposed to be doing a It is also known that the ef- ways we can easily observe. pleasant. Getting drunk degree after ali), there is only fects are cumulative over a It is for this reason that they causes the brain to enter a one available solution.Get hi- term, a holiday and sériés a of have remained undetected for semi-inactive state during deously drunk. piss-ups usually being suffi- so long. It is possible that they cient to purge the system constitute much of the so UNIVERSI rv OF SURREY come the end. So the situation called "lostmatter" withinthe Ulsiioisi bas rested, a known problem, universe. with a known, not to say plea- surable, solution. One of the few reactions per- formed by these strange par- CLUB DO YOU : Semesterisation has unfortu- ticles, is important to us all. nately upset this delicate The tedion consists of three equilibrium, the accumula- quarks possessing colour tion over more than ten weeks charges one red and two blue. being more than many of us These colour charges are car- can bare. This situation was ried between the quarks by predictable. Oxford and giuons in much the same way Cambridge showed us the as electric charge is carried by way many years ago by set- the electron. It is these giuons USE THE tling on eight instead of ten that are causing the problem. week terms. It can only be assumed that the students When the tedions enter the OR WANT TO DECIDE ON PoéiC^ there either have a particu- body, they are carried to the larly low resistance to the brain in Óie usuai way with problem or that the tedium le- the oxygen. If, whilst in die vels are inordinately high. Be brain they encounter a neuron that as it may, the wamings (the small electric pulses were ignored and now we are thought lo carry information), THEN ASK THE PRESIDENT suffering the conséquences. the colour charge is trans- ABOUT JOINING CLUB COMMITTEE mitted to the neuron by the OPFNTnAII Filli MFMRPP<1 Features 7

UNIVERSITY OF SURREY

IT'S NOW OR NEVER

A large number of employers will soon be reaching tJieir closing dates for receipt of applicaüons. If you are planning to apply to any of these companies you are advised to check the reference files in the Careers Service and obtain application for ms before you go home for Christmas. It is doubtful if these companies will return to graduate recruitment before the next academic year.

15 December 31 December 8 Januarv ASW Allders Bass *** Civil Service Econoniist BICC Cables Tibbett & Britten Fast Stream Barclays *** Electricity Training Halifax 12 Januarv Assoc ICI Abbey National Glaxo Wellcome Jones Lang Wootton Astra Charnwood (Pharm) Leo Burnett Glaxo Wellcome IBM NFC Mercury Jenners NatWest Nissan Kleinwort Benson P & O Containers Peugot Nuclear Electric Powergen Unilever Reuters (Mfg. & 18 December Marketing) 15 Januarv Harrods Schröders Hambros Bank WH Smith NatWest Markets 20 December Southern Water The Rugby Group Hong Kong & Shanghai Storehouse JR Sainsbury Bank Teseo Toyota United Biscuits Zeneca (Science & Eng) 21 December Unipari Guinness 16 Januarv 1 Januarv Bank of England *** 22 December John Swire & Sons Kier Group *** Grey Advertising Nomura 5 .Januarv N.M. Rothschild BNFL Fuel Div. British Airways 24 December Civil Service Fast John Lewis & Waitrose Stream Esso/Exxon *** 29 December Northern Foods HMV Reckitt & Colman Sema Group *** *** Companies visiting on the Milkround The above list has been compiled from our Future Vacancies Bulletins Nos. 1 - 6 -CAREERS SERVICE 8 Music Singles Reviews B Sim OF THE the record would go down as sons why you should sii up Mozzer has run out of ideas one of the fmest début singles and take notice of Black Star and hope. WEEK since 'Caught By The Fuzz' Liner and their exceedingly slammed full on into our good cake that is 'The Jawz KULA 5HAKER faces. The music itself is TTie EP' OUT DEMON OUT Hollow Man Stone Roses just as 'Fool's Low Art Gold' was about to be un- 1 ) It recreates the traditional (Columbia/iath bhangra sound right down to (MKUitra/Out Uow) leashed, the guitar bursting ••••••• Decetnber) into life just as John Squire's a bongo frenzy and the ••••••••• does on 'Made Of Stone'. The women wailing away dis- singer is lan Brown with a tressfully in the background. A particularly seedy and smidgen of Tim Booth 2) It suddenly gives birth to a sleazy sounding guitar affair Another young band that are chucked in for good measure. riotous techno beat that this one. It combines the set to be a bit of à sensation in The end resuit is a deadly sounds ail bubbly and sounds token Pixies noise element the fast approaching 1996, combination that is sure to like it has been made on one with a distorted rock voice that is if Britpop continues to win you over in no time at ail. of the crap keyboards we ail and comes straight out of be as popular as it is now. use to piss about on when we Camden via Berlin. Hailing Kuîa Shaker however have A SIDE OF THE were kids at school. This from that rock and roll place one siight problem that may WEEK techno burst interacts per- you expect it to be a poppy be their undoing. The A side fectly with the already hyp- indie effort but it sticks two to the début single, a bongo &LACK 5TAR LINER notic bongo drumming that is huge fmgers up to those kind inspired slice of funky guitar going on in the background. of bands. It is not easy listen- music entitJed Tattva', is not The Jawz ing however, 'Low Art' is in- much cop. ït's dreamy and EP(Promo/11th 3) The lead track on this EP is tense and rather raw spins around your head a few named after one of Black Star sounding, it clings to your times before fmally vanishing Vecember) Liner's many heroes namely soul and starts to twist your into dust. It tries to recreate •••••••• the super cool geezer that is spleen round and round with that 60's feeling a little too Tony Yeboah and that itself is rusty pliers. much and sounds disjointed worüiy of a single of the week and a bit confused. Black Star Liner can curren- tly be seen on tour with award. It certainly isn't going to be Dreadzone and they can be the sort of stuff that wins over However, a voyage on to the a generation of spotty youths other side allows you to ex- seen causing a bit of a stir. MOmSSEY The band are a multi cultural that for some reason believe perience exactly what ail the Sunny that Menswear are the future fussisabout. 'HollowMan' if mix of bhangra techno and hip hop. There are three rea- of pop, in fact it probably it had been made the A side to (Parlophone/11th won't even effect them in the December) slightest but for the few re- •••• maining Joy Division fans left it is a ray of hope. It is a perfect tonic for the merry You might think he is simply few that waik round in black that depressing bloke who ail the time and hate them- leads The Smiths who hasn't selves and want to die. It has had a shag for a good many snatches of melody and a cer- years. You may think he is a tain beauty that will be adored gorgeous swooning icon for by fucked up kids every- the lost generation or you where. may just think he is a bit of a twat who occasionally knocks out a deceni record. M5.45 Whatever you think of dear old Steven Patrick Morrissey Wasted/Junkstruck you can't deny his influence (M5.45/0ut Now) in contemporary music. •••••• However, in recentmonths he has gone from bad to worse and 'Sunny' is another As far as female fronted example of just how downhill power trios go Ms.45 are a bit he has gone. The title suggest- différent, because they are not s that he might have actually influence by fashion or made a record that was jolly scenes or anything like that, but nope, it's another sad they just do their own thing lovelom taie of despair and when they want and how they frankly it's arse. want. So Ms.45 are basically an ugly bloke battering old It boasts a lonesome guitar drums, with two attractive sound and the usuai angst rìd- girls bashing out some form dled drawl from a bloke I of a tune on beaten up old once queued for 2 hours to guitars, and it's not that bad see. It goes from bland to irri- for ail it's worth. tating in an incredible time. From this it evident that the Lead track 'Wasted' is a bratty sneer on life as seen through the bottom of an Music 9 empty vodka bottle. It takes a sically fine, and rather en- their most melodic which is fui but neither is too awful. It's cynical poke at life and is a bit joyable. It sounds not to dis- nothing particularly wonder- just O.K. rough around the edges but ba- tant to The Voodoo Queens at ALBUM REVIEWS

what devastating style adds a not fit together so nicely but ALBUM OF THE whole new chapter to the you can also see where they do Ass WEEK world of the saxophone. It is a almost get on and decent (London/Ail divine moment of the album. songs are formed out them. Formats) JAH WOBDLE For example listen to 'What's Songs like 'Gone To Croatan' •••••• Heaven And Earth The Excuse This Time?' in all of it's fifteen minutes of which sees Dave adopt his (Island/All Formats) jazz glory is easily the finest best Prince manner and Bernie Strange that this dodgy •••••••• part of the album. It is hard to slowly shuddering his guitar American punk outfit should spend a quarter of an hour bet- in action with a softly softly be into pushing donkeys with ter. The man with the silliest name approach. Butler's finest mo- bad legs around but each to in music returns and tempts us Packaged with lavish photo- ment is on 'The Right Thing' their own. Hagfish certainly into his own little world with graphy and imagery 'Heaven which his best chance of being do not muck about with their another album fine world and Earth' is an angelic inter- placed up there with all the music, and that is what is im- music. This album is perhaps pretation of the many cultural other great guitarists of our portant on this pages not the more worldly than any of his and diverse styles of music time. artists sexual preferences. that do exist it is a wonderfully previous efforts, it is apparent But most of the time the pair The album is typically Ameri- that he has travelled the world peaceful voyage that deserves can punk 15 fast and in your to be listened to. lose the plot altogether like on in order to find the perfect line 'The Debitor' which sees face tracks all delivered in a up of musicians. On his sup- them both fighting for the top frantic and furious 35 minutes posed travels he has found the McALMONT AW spots, a song which would and not one track creeps over wonderful Natacha Atlas, the dreaded 3 minute mark and 3UTLER sound so much better if McAl- various bamboo flautists from mont didn't actually open his not one track fails to hurt your China and Taiwan, and a sax- The 6ound of mouth. There are moments ears. It does too have some ophonist from New Orleans McAlmont and when Butler should never very good songs on it like that is legendary for his jazz have plug in his Fender either 'Happiness' a fresh faced tale exploits with John Coltrane. Mutier like on the organtastic 'You'll of love and lust that has hyper guitar ringing away on it and The Atlas collaboration is on (Hut/All Formats) Lost a Good Thing' were the thoughts of another McAl- perfect for that night out po- the simply titled 'A Love •••••• going. Song' in which Natacha's mont solo album are pleasant ones. golden tones are accompanied Well it almost worked didn't In true punk rock style several by a solemn bass from Wobble it? The pairing up of two com- 'The Sound Of..' is a hightly of the songs are exceedingly and a sombre drum rhythm. pletely different performers investigative album, one half catchy and are basically pop Most of the songs on this one a lavish drama queen who of it trying to be romantic and songs with a bit of growling on album are pretty lengthy than is longing to be a British ver- exotic the other is dull dreary them such as 'Stamp' the occasionally go off in a jamm- sion of Prince. The other a and very ordinary, it surely rather filthy current single and ing world of their own and it is jumped up little brat with a would have been easier to the excellent cover of 'Teen- hard not to lose interest but decent guitar that thinks he is make a side each. age Kicks' by The Under- then they suddenly burst back Johnny Marr, when it is clear tones. All in all a decent into your own world again that he is not. attempt to try and force a few with several superb blasts of HAGFÌ5H kids to die their hair a strange the sax from Mr Pharaoh San- On this album you can see Rocks Your Lame colour and put pin in their ders, whose unique and some- clearly that the two styles do noses. An Interview With Dubstar

DUBSTAR ARE ONE OF C: "He's a laugh that Mark funny situation because BF: "What would be your ul- this year's nicer surprises. Radcliffe, he's not your aver- usually the audience are there timate gig?" Their debut longplayer 'Dis- age DJ bloke he pulls funny watching but with radio you graceful' is a sublime trot faces and that and tries to put have to imagine them at home C: "Erm, I don't really know, through romance that is quive- you off when you're playing." listening in bed or in the car or I'd quite like to do a house gig ring with Englishness. They what have you, it's quite scary at a mates party because we'd band are basically three BF: "Is it annoying?" because it's a gig but it's not." be there having a good time people: the lovely Sarah who and then we can just set up and C: "Nah, he's cool, if he BF:"Do you prefer really big play that would be good I does the singing bits and two tickled me or something then guys Chris and Steve who gigs like at Glastonbury or think." it would be but I think it re- small intimate ones?" handle the musical side of laxes you a bit" BF: "How surprised were you things. Dubstar are currently C: "I personally prefer the by the success of the singles on tour, are very tired, and BF " What's doing a live radio smaller gigs, but saying that and the 'Disgraceful' album?" have just been entertained by show like, is it different from some of our songs are perfect Mr Mark Radcliffe. I spoke lo a normal gig?" for large audiences but a lot of C: It was shocking because we a knackered Chris and Steve C: "Yeah, it is in some ways, the more slower ones are quite never expected anything we'd last week. I mean you don't get Mark intimate, I think Steve likes done to ever go chartwards, I Radcliffe pulling his shirt up getting intimate with some of mean 'Stars' debuted at No.32 at every gig we do!! It's a the crowd. Ha, Ha, Ha. Continued Over... 10 Music C: "Well, I'd be lying if it (I Repeat the question) didn't there is a definite feel- ing surrounding Food Rec- S: "Er, actually we didn't ords at the moment mainly write that one, we pinched it because of all the hype about from a bloke in Wakefield Blur and that, but yeah it's a who we came across by fine label and I'm glad they chance really, we used it be- signed us." cause we felt it summed up everything about where we BF:In one of your songs there come from, and why most is a lyric about Morrisson and people don't want to get old, Morrissey, do you dislike because they are scared of either of them?" having the crap beaten out of you." C: Not at all, actually I'm re- ally glad you asked me that BF: "So are Dubstar just an- we' ve been waiting to explain other dull Northern band?" that but nobody's ever asked us. It's a distinction between S: "Yeah I guess so." two types of man, a drunken, BF: "What are your plans for drugtaking poet from 1996?" America and an archetypal English Literature student S: "Well we're going to make from Manchester, it's Sarah another record with Stephen comparing the two in a sex Hague and hopefully William situation. I think." OrWt. Our fingers, toes and evetything else are crossed, ' ' '¿-mm' ^ BF: "Why does Sarah insist Chris said that he wants to of singing in her native Hali- take acid for the first time fax accent?" next year! and we just want to tour and tour because now we C: "She reckons it helps bring really like it and before we out the spirit of the songs, it's used to shit ourselves before better than putting on an ac- going on stage." cent like some pop stars that we're not going to mention." Dubstar are on tour now and their van trundles into Port- Dubstar: Disgraceful BF: "Not So Manic Now is story about a vicious attack smouth on the 4th of Decem- on a pensioner, can you tell us ber at the Wedgewood Continued from p^e 9 (^h'S a blatant lie, it is a Rooms and it parks on a ^ gorgeous sexpot of a song) why you wrote that one?" and we just went mad. Per- double yellow at Kings Col- sonally I didn't think anyone BF: "Do you think your sig- C: "Er, actually could I pass lege London on the 7th. Catch would like it at all. It's pretty ning to Food contributed to you over to Steve as them if you can. depressing stuff. Saying that I your success?" somebody else has just hope we get bigger." phoned up."

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Funniest, most original answers win. All entries should reach us before the end of term Winners will be notified when they get a huge parcel stuffed outside their door. COÜLD ST yVop YOU LA PILL THIS m Ajip or 1 Of 10 mystery priz^s Name: Department:

Beiow are sïatements about HIV and AIDS. Decide for each A negative HIV antibody one if il is true or false and place a tick in ihe appropriale box. 12 test confìrms ihai a person does not have ihe virus. Taie False

Hrv is ihe same as .MDS. Taie False

Heaiih workers in ihe UK are allowed lo refuse to MTV is a particularly strong care for people wiih HI\'. True False 2 and Tesiliertt viius. Taie False

A motiier an pass HIV / A person must notify his or 3 to her babv. Taie False -. jt her docior if they have HIV. Taie False

/ Donaling blood in the UK A person must noiify his or carnes a risk of contracting her employer if they have HIV. Taie False 15 HIV. Taie False

The HIV antibody lesi v,iil 5 tell a person wheiher or noi An employer can raake they have AIDS. Taie False 6 having an HIV antibody test a condition ofnew AIDS is confined mainly employmenL Taie False 6 to mea Taie False

Some couniries require Kissing is a risk behaviour visiiors to have had an HIV fa HIV liansmissioa Tme False 17 7 antibody tesi. Taie False

There is no cure for AIDS. True False 8 People wiih AIDS show a 8 specific sel of s^TOploms. Taje False There is no ireaimeni 9 available for people with AIDS. Taie False Insect blies an iransmii 9HIV Taie False People wiih no sjTïipioms Taie False 0 cannot iransmii HIV. O A Having an HIV antibody Zj \J test can affeci a person's AIDS is mosl common in chance of geiiing life L North America and Europe. Taie False insurance. True False P T O

ALL quiz sheets must be with the Student Affairs Offìcer by Wednesday 6th December (Week 14). Please would you also fili in this section. It doesn't matter what you say (if you are criticai!) because it has nothing to do with the quiz, it is simply so that we get some feedback on the campaign and ideas for things we might be able to improve in the future. Thanks very much for your help.

1. Did you know that it was World AIDS Day on Friday ist December? Yes / No 2. Did you know that the Students ' Union co-ordinated an Awareness Week about safer sex, sexually transmitted diseases, HIV & AIDS to coincide with World AIDS Day? Yes / No 3. Which of the following did you attend/see during the week (please tick)? And how would you rate them on a scale of 1 to 5: 1 - Very good 4 - Not very good 2 - Quite informative 5 - Terrible 3 - Indifferent Pullout in Bare Facts Display in Lecture Theatre Display in Students' Union "Drama performance" in Students' Union (Tuesday) Film "Philadelphia" in Students' Union (Thursday) Balloon Launch in Amphitheatre (Friday) 4. On the same scale, how would you rate the week as a whole? 5. Did you learn anything new about.••? HIV/AIDS Yes / No Sexually Transmitted Diseases (STDs) Yes / No Safer Sex Yes / No World AIDS Day Yes / No 6. Will anything you learnt change your "habits" in future? Yes / No 7. Are there any other comments you would like to make, either about the week, or for future Safer Sex/HIV & AIDS campaigns? eg. any issues which you feit were not tackled etc.

ALL quiz sheets must be with the Student Affairs Officer by Wednesday 6th December (Week 14). UNIVERSITY OF SURREY

WEEK ENDINO FRIDAY DEC 8th U22U EMT2, OR THE WORLD ACCORDIMG TO THE FRANK IFIELD PAM CLUB Friday December Ist Saturday 2nd WAVE GOODBYE TO THE FRIDAY NIGHT DOT Carry On Nursing CBACK NEXT SEMESTER) Lower Bar Disco SHED A TEAR WITH DJ ANDY JAMES 8-2am Sunday 3rd Monday 4th FREIÌ: BAND Private Party NEUVIÌ; (FORMALLY THLÌI CYOIVET RING)

Tuesday 5th Wednesday 6th XHB 091 The National Comedy Network Ipna l»IAOIR UHHOJST Seat. Bill Bailey LB - Doors Spni

Thursday 7th Friday 8th DUB PA€SSUR€ riiat YibiS returns louier llor 9-2Qffl ieusr ftar l-iam CHRISTMAS IS A COMING THE CHRISTMAS DRAW DISCO DECEMBER 15th 1995 OF SURREY UNION

CLUB PRESENTS THE 1995 CHRISmm DRmDISO)

fcMci/tU^ CHRISTMAS LUNCHES AVAILAB: The Stars From SUNDAY 3rd AND lOtii DECE MENU TRADITIONAL ROAST TURKEY NoRÌolk TuRkEy TRAdiiioNAlly cookEcI, SEI THE hoMEMAdE chESNUT STUffÌNq, hoNEy ROAj SAUSAqE, CRANBERRY SAUCE^ OR POACHED FÌNE ScoTch SAlvi^fflkchal ÌITWIIÌTE WÌNE COMMITMENTS

CHEPS NUT ROAST^™OMATO & BASII SAUCE DECEMBER 15th 1995 OUR CHRÌSTMASM^U woa^^T ÒE COMPIETE WÌTNOUT OUR »ECiAlRECipE NUT ROAST 8pm-2am

DESSERT Upstairs - DJ Chns Haslam DIPTONAL CHRISTMAS PUDDING k^PifwiTWÌThH bRANdb y SAUCE & TOppEd WÌTIH bRANdy Downstairs - The Best Of buHER £e.50 Book Now on x^343 Jimm £6 IM ADVAMCE Features/ Clubs 11 Club Matters The Torture has not been in touch with me about not having a constitu- Trail Y THE END OF tion, will be deemed to no BTHIS longer be a Union Constituted n November The highlight of the con- SEMESTER all club or society. As a result of 17th our ference had to be the showing Arts and Ents, General, this they will no longer be en- of the ChanneJ 4 Dispatches titled to fìnancial support from OA m n e s t y documentary, The Torture Departmental and Sports the Union or be covered by International group went Trail, which exposed how societies should have Union insurance. to Birmingham British companies export wea- new club constitutions. A University for the yearly pons which can be used for list of all those who have STAN (Student Action torture, and uncovered evi- constitutions is below. Sports Clubs dence of the trade being sup- The Overseas societies Network) conference on ported covertly by the British will be sorted out by the Fencing, Mountaineering, human rights. The Government. American Football, Eques- conference included overseas secretary next trian, Boat, Badminton, Hik- One of the tag-alongs, semester. If your society ing. Cricket, Tennis, Squash, some exceptionally JASON, who at first just came does not appear in the list Football (Women's), Hockey inspiring talks, along to pulì a girl (perhaps the below then please (Ladies), Hockey (Men's). challenging workshops violinisti!), remarked that the arrange for a new and a whole lot of beers. conference was "Just like rid- constitution to agreed for ing a bicycle; you had to ex- the society by the end of Arts and Ents perience it just to feel the Ail speakers witnessed torture sensation!" the semester. Rock, Folk, Drama in the countries they are from, For sports societies the proce- which made their talks not Dia (our chef) decided to join dure for this was outlined in only emotionally inspiring but the STAN committee and un- the first Sports Standing Com- General also deeply gripping. The like others, who had prepared mittee meeting of the semes- opening speech was given by their speeches two weeks in Welsh, LGB ter. For Arts and Ents Zrinka Bralo, who left her advance, he just simply home in Bosnia 18 months ago Societies it was explained at If your club does not appear on walked up to the microphone to seek refuge in the UK. She and said in front of 200 people the Arts and Ents Standing this list then please get your new constitution to me by the talked about her experiences "I am going to be on this com- Committee meeting in week of the war and life as a refugee mittee." 11. For Departmental and end of week 15. If you have any queries/problems then in the UK. General Societies a memberof Strangely enough his please contact me either Another moving talk was "speech" did not have the the Union Executive Commit- through my pigeon hole or tee should have been in touch given by Goa Peiqi, a former same impact as the other through the B.F. office. If I police officer in China. He speeches and Dia didn't get with you, if a committee mem- have forgotten to include your gave a personal testimony of voted in. (Don't worry, we luv ber has not been in touch with club in the above list then I am human rights violations in his you just the same!!) you then please let me know very sorry and please let me country about corruption and immediately. know! criminal dealings in China's The rest of us just spent our time having fun. It is important that ali clubs Antonia, Internai Affairs public security forces. Even and societies have new con- Offìcer. though this talk was at 9o*- Anyone with a conscience and stitutions. Without this docu- clock Sunday morning after a a sense of justice should come ment it could be difficult for massive boozing session and a along to the Amnesty meet- the union to give a club or one hour nap on a f***ing ings on Thursdays 7pm society any money. With the hard and freezing floor, it was TB12B. exception of the overseas so- stili deeply touching and did cieties any club which has not more than just wake us up. Rika and Enuny got a constitution by the be- These were only two of many ginning of next semester or other fascinating talks. Do Something Useful TUDENT for students who are mately I hour a week for a you are interested you can get minimum of 9 weeks starting more information and an ap- TUTORING IS A interested in either : next semester. It won't cost plication form from Bob, SCHEME run by 1. Helping to teach sport - you anything. Student Enter- Room 15, Fifth floor, Senate S either a particular sport, Student Enterprise here prise will pay for travel ex- House, (01483) 259920, inter- general PE lessons, or help run penses to and from schools. nai extension 9920, or leave a at the University of dance classes Surrey. Volunteer You can develop useful skills message in the Student Enter- and it looks great on your CV. prise pigeon hole in the Union. students go into locai 2. Helping teach children with special needs - mainly reading Sports student tutors don't You can also get application schools and colleges and and writing need a coaching qualification forms for Sports Student Tu- assist teachers in classes. but if you do have one it will toring from Steve De-Wint in We already have over 50 So why do it? Makes lessons be put to good use. Training is the Union offices or Sally Edie more fun and interesting for provided and you will receive at Campusport. student tutors and are the school pupils. It's a great a certificate for particpating. If now specifically looking experience lasting approxi- Bob 12 Films

A Movie for Chrlstmas ELL FATE Odeon, Epsom SEEMS T0 Johnny NOT WANT Mnemonic WUS to see Goldeneye. Road First we were going to see it Keanu Reeves starts in this in Sunday, but then Bagpuss movie adaptation of William Goldeneye (12) A Walk in the Clouds (PO) carne down sick. We then de- Gibson's short story of the same title. For those of you Fri & Sat at 12.20, 3.20, Fri&Satat 1.45,7.05 cided to go on Tuesday in- 6.20,9.20 stead so off we toddled in the not into Science Fiction, Gib- Sun to Thürs at 1.00, 6.05 son has won both the Hugo Sun to Thürs at 2.15,5.30, pouring rain, oniy to be told Pacahontas (U) by the Odeon staff that no and Nébula awards (the Sci-fi 8.30 complementary ticket holder- equivalent if the Booker Prize Sat at 1.40,4.10 or Oscars) for his cutting edge The Santa Clause (U) s were allowed in in the first work. Johnny Mnemonic is Sun at 1.30,4.00 week ofGoldeneye's release! Ali week at 1.15,3.45,6.10, part of his collection of cyber- 8.35 French Kìss (12) Gig bent argggh we cried. It punk writings and the film is for. this reason, therefore, will probably differ from the Crìnison Tide (15) Fri&Satat 4.15,9.55 that there is no film review book quite a lot as staying Fri at 1.40,4.25,7.00,9.45 Sun to Thürs at 3.15, 8.45 this week. Instead we wel- true to the original idea would come you to Bagpuss and put the movie at about 30 Sat at 7.00, 9.45 24hr Information 01426 Emily's guide to the upcom- minutes long. 941049 ing movies for Christmas and Sun at 6.00, 8.40 beyond. Mon to Thürs at 12.50,3.25. Lawnmower 6.00, 8,40 The Man z If you don't know about American Lawnmower Man, WAKE President UP. This promises to be vis- Oscar bows out ually superior to the original Rob Reiner brings us a ro- although we'll have to wait LL, WE'RE and bloat yourself with free mantic comedy about the life and see about the plot etc. custard Creams. and loves of a fictional US AT THE END President. With a cast includ- Finally, a departure from big w of a glorious Just before I go let me give ing Michael Douglas, Mi- screen to video. The semester of films. you a taster of next semesters chael J Fox, Annette Benning Christmas period sees the re- films - so far we've booked Sometimes we laughed, Leon, The Net, Bad Boys, and and Richard Dreyfuss this lease of both of the summers and sometimes we cried, fiím looks like a sure fire hit. big movies, Batman Forever a few other goodies. Keep an and Judge Dread, to own. The but this week we aim to eye out for our posters and New Year also sees the re- put the willies up you so buy your season tickets soon. The Santa lease (allegedly) of more X- much that you'll never Also, if you've been keen to move in higher social circles Files videos to own. set foot in a foreign Clause However, instead of releasing then the start of next semester Tim Alien from Home Im- the rest of season one, Fox country again. will be the ideal opportunity - provement stars in this sen- video will release four feature It's the cute story of an Army come along to an OFU meet- timental family comedy length videos in 1996. medie who goes to Zaire to ing on Tuesday at 6pm in about the fat bloke in the red check out this fun virus that LTH and be enlightened. We suit who, when Hme fmally The first, out on January 15th, tums your organs to a pulpy may be miserable buggers at starts to run backwards, will will consist of ihree episodes mess. He wams his bosses, the film, but we're a friendly be the git who steals all the joined logether, the last two but do they take any notice? bunch really. kids Christmas presents. No of which are from season Do they heck... until the virus that's not the plot, but I think three, which won't be seen on spreads to California, that is. Andy you can roughly figure it out UK terrestrial TV tiU Autumn as its all about the festive sea- 1996. The other three videos SOBS students come along son. Personally, I doubt it will will also be edited together and see how you could save top the excellent "Santa episodes. Season one tapes the world. Showing 5pm, Claus: The Movie" with (cud- will not continue to be re- 8pm on Sunday and 8pm on dly) Dudley Moore. leased until 1997 if our Monday - you can reserve sources are correct! tickets with the House Office upto an hour in advance, but you we can't seil them on the door. The Arts film this week (Weds, 8pm) is Fiorile - tickets as above. Arrive early Crossword 13 Crossword No. 12 INTRODUCTORY

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"ù H and Care constantly suf- "ù Blotchy, are you a Surrey Personals fering from PMT - Perma- Court cleaner in disguise? Notices nent Mechie Torment "ù Sue , Happy personals . "ù: Schoeley - Can somebody WANTED: Bare Facts needs "Cr Brother Dan, sexual bribes You've not done anything pick up my B-day present, writers and designers to help or do I have to cum and get of T-shirts don't work! ! scandalous this week to with your student newspaper. it? •¿Sr CCMG Not everyone write about - must be all If you are interested see Rob those Kalms you're taking MSU 28, UofM 24!! Be drinks alcohol Dorey in the Communica- S+C XX proud Spartans, where "ù Lost, one organic, orgas- tions Office, phone on ik A M***e is loose in the ever you are.-Dave mic addict. Last seen on (01483) 259275, or email hoose. Q How many LES does it Wednesday night in the [email protected]. shower! T^ Will, competition's take to change a light bulb? Guildford European Move- A None, let the H+C birds Ht L, Friday Night, isn't there around! I've found some- a law against that! J. one else just as huggable. ment AGM, LT A, 7 Dec cook in the dark. 6pm "ù Rach - Did your week at 'Ù LES At least we satisfy our Hope you had an excellent home help get rid of the women, Love H+C Lads weekend, although I was- Hong Kong Students So- n't there!! spot?!? Missed you. Luv XX ciety AGM, Tuesday 5th He From an H+C in-depth Vicxx "ù To Cory, what happened to Dec, LT A, 7pm study on LES, there is a all those toffee crisps? "ù S - Bourne 2, thanks for a correlation (that means - University Wind Band •Ä' S+C - Good luck next great time last Thursday related to) between a lack Christmas Concert. Mon- night you were fantastic. week love Sarah xxx of brains and lack of day 4 December, 7.45pm Stu- Until the next time, love iV CCAMDon'tthinkitwent length. dio, PATS building. Students from D. unnoticed £1.00; 2 Students for £1.50. "Ä To the orgasmic girlies - "ù Four eyes - you say you The leech is a librarian! Includes interval refresh- loads of luck with those can't bear the taste of rub- Stu won't do what Steve ments. little things called Finals. ber, are you sure it was the did to me will he? No, Stu Fencing Club AGM Tues- Love the O.A. xxx rubber on the end of the only waited 5 minutes, not day Week 14 at 7pm, at die pencil that you were suc- a week. "ù Matthew, you may not like Fencing Club lockers. All king? After all, things are liV Rich Brown - when's the what I write, but for a fel- members required low contributor to slag off so much clearer now, next experiment? Whether a colleague from the same aren't they?! you want to go out or not, Want to sell or buy some- paper Such bad manners "ù Warning, warning. Offi- you can't get rid of me that thing? Why not point your do not become you. cial LES outing coming to easily. I'm always here if WWW browser to: "ù Gandalf wishes all his the Lower Bar near you. you me! http://www.ee.surTey.ac.uk/ friends a Merry Christmas, ik Nicolina ... Turkish •i2r Paola - you sxxx woman I Personal/R.Apiwatwaja/for except one. Cleaner really love you Ha Ha Ha. sale.html Submit your item(s) Z-man S - Did you mean every- CCAM - 3 or 4 or could it on-line FREE!!. "ù Hester, watching and thing you said and did last be more? Lost. One life. Thursday night? next time •¿y I am a number, not a piece weeping (with laughter) give me some warning of hand luggage. Number Alone you are sleeping Arabic Soc, Meeting in then I can get some extra 22 Piglet - a chimney, bottle TBll at 6pm every week. of white wine and a long sleep and a camera film the To Sian, Boinggg, luv Ze- AGM next semester. girlies chat - what a night! night before badee Mountain Bike Club AGM, Luv MG To the TWO Carolines, ^ The lads .. sorry for mis- Thursday 18th Jan 96 LT B •¿^ Soph, did you have a nice will you dine with us some sing the party .. I'll regret 6pm. time away from the office? time? Love R. and H. it forever!! Amy Dia -1 love you till death Large Sunday 10th Dec. -Ä- The TWO Carolines are "ùc Civ Eng (Brickies) vs Bio- do us part! You bxxxxxx! Booze Cruise to Calais Con- from HCM, BE AT THE Sports (Heroes)! let the Love Paulo tact Matt or Dean of the Glid- FNO 1/12 challenge commence .. ik Panman - you look like a ing Club ASAP. ^ Ian - The Blackwater 1 sex two pints of Caffrey's magnet - don't you re- please boys. fish. Z-man! member the girl? Ta! ^ What's the story, LES •¿V Rika- meet you Friday •¿V Slapper 1, Hope you got glory. night at the Union, near the main bar - secret admirer. lots of revision done - I •Ù Big All Hart, early to bed. •¿V Bohners bird's bloke : missed the twatdom. Love nudge, nudge, wink, wink, Slapper 2. late to lectures, sly dog I Where's your beer goggles "ù Linds, enjoy your Birth- think. gone day ?!!-Yoko •¿V Grandma Sarah and Toy- CCTART-At least I don't ^ Natash (HCB), Roses are boy Steve - what a lovely make a habit of it - Flight mJNE- red, Violets are Blue, A couple Controller. two man tent, Perfect for iV LES do you really think "A" To Rick, I love you loads me and you. Love the she is sleeping alone? Well + loads. Thanks for a bril- Chairman you are wrong, very wrong liant 17 months. Love and Information and •¿V CCMG 6pm Saturday - ^ To Lula, Sarah and all at snoggies Zoe xxx Helpline service gagging for it! Surrey LHC, who tried to iV Bunny ... Bronsdon •¿V Mart, good luck for Mon- get me to go on Saturday, House, here we come., 8pm - 8am day and Tuesday - Don't I hope you have a brilliant watchout! forget MUSHROOMS night - I'll be thinking of H and C?... Haddock and Phone ext. 4949 forever!! Love Sahs you all ! Chips Between Wey and TÌV Larry the lost blond sheep. ^ Skinny says "Bernie •¿V To Antonia, MB is all Wandle in Stirrey Court If found (probably by birds Bubble Butt the Femdown mine, luv Antonia footy team) please return freak!" to the LES Features 15 Rock And Roll Does Not Exist to dirty in. Artists no longer Another object of hate for ting on an event, or releasing a kip in shabby caravans and many artists, are the men and record, has the same proper- WENTY-FIVE live on fried egg sandwiches, woman we call A & R (Audi- ties. You plan for months, you T they now arrive in chartered ence and Research). For some get together all the relevant YEARS AGO, helicopters and must have reason it is thought by most skills, then someone with an several thousand Evian, sorry, but Volvic just that this is a new device, a ego larger than yours comes sweaty, muddy bodies won't do (man). How did this research and development de- along to slot into the gap you descended on the Isle of come about, and is it a good partment for record com- have created for them. thing? panies to bleed their artists dry Wight, for the last major of any originality, bollocks. In essence, their is no such rock and roll festival. One man knew this would As long ago as 1959, Cliff Ri- thing as "rock and roll". When People will now tell me it happen, he did it before any- chard was instructed to Raise you enjoy yourself by hsten- wasn't the last, one else, and was excommuni- his top lip at one side, why?. ing to music, someone, some- cated from the music industry where, is making money from Glastonbury, Reading, So he would look like Elvis, for it. In the fifties an american and thus sell more discs. Noth- your pleasure. Music is form Pheonix, etc what about DJ called Alan Freed coined ing is original. Every type of of licensed prostitution. You them? Well, easy, they the phrase "rock and roll" on music can be traced back, even need a license to enjoy it. aren't rock and roll his radio show. Freed played music is an evolution, not a It seems bizarre that in this Chuck Berry, Buddy Holly, creation. The music industry is countiy you need a music and festivals. Jerry Lee Lewis and the like dancing license to enjoy Twenty-five years ago popu- exactly that, an industry. One on his show, and thus created of my heroes is Pete Water- music! Has anyone actually lar music lost its virginity. a monster. Did Freed do this thought of that? Who regu- Think of it a different way, man. During the eighties, the for the good of the human sales of 7" vinyl were drop- lates this? What constitutes kuame three legendary festi- race? Bollocks, he made a dancing? Will we ever see 'vals, chances are you'll come ping every year,in 1987 they stack out of it. Most records he went up by 12.5%. This rise dance police? Think of this, if up with Woodstock, Isle of plugged had his name on every body came into the Wight, and Montreax or simi- can be attributed to the PWL them, for every copy he sold "Hit-Machine". Pete Water- union on a Friday night, and lar. It was at these events that he got his share. The first ever stood still we would be alright, the smart dressed gentlemen man works by the theory that rock and roll riot occurred in the 7" is something you buy, but since everybody moves we call "promoters" saw an Clevland, Ohio, where Alan roughly in time with each opportunity, consequently we jump up and down on your bed Freed sold 18,000 tickets to a to for three days then throw it other, we need a license. Biz- now have Glastonbury, Read- venue which held 10,000 zare. Their is no such thing as ing, Pheonix, T in the Park, away. The single is disposable people. Smart move Alan, all entertainment. The president rock and roll, and their never The Heineken Festival, and so the punters get pissed off, but has been. on, every year. Each festival is of CBS once said that "artists who cares, you've made your are the shit, the product", an impeccable logistics oper- dosh. ation, each festival is planned something I agree with. Put- right down to what colour of mud the customers would like LAN's, WAN's, RAM, ROM, CD and other such Jargon AST thing to do with the students, faculty boards) within the stu- sition (or the post graduate po- although you may not think so dents union. sition) on this forum. You will as the committee is made up probably be a lot more use to As I only found out about this L from members of staff with them than me. THURSDAY I the exception of the Under- committee by accident, there ATTENDED a graduate Rep and the position could be other vacant posi- If you have anything you meeting of the Academic of Postgraduate Rep, which is tions on other University com- would like me to bring up at Computer User's Forum currently vacant. mittees that we, as students, the forum then let me know, as the Undergraduate don't know about. If you my e-mail address is ps42ab. At the meeting E-Mail and know of any of these positions Now Where's the spell Representative. I was budgets for UCS were then please let Bare Facts check informed that this was amongst the topics discussed know and they can be adver- the first time that anyone as well as linking University tised to the student body. Antonia had taken up this residences to Central via a (The Internal Affairs wireless LAN. Incidentally, I don't think I Officer). position for a few years, am the most suitable person to (hardly surprising as I If we do not have student rep- sit on the Academic Computer had not heard of it until I resentatives then we can not User's Forum. A lot of what received the invite!). do anything to stop inappro- was said at the meeting made The forum meets once a Se- priate opinions being held by no sense to me, e.g. I do not mester to discuss various University staff. There are va- have a clue what Alliant is but issues arising from users of cant positions for this to be apparently it is going to closed done, for example there are down in January! So if you the academic computing ser- understand more of this com- vices here at Surrey. This is three vacant faculty rep posi- tions (who sit on the relevant puter business then please one University commit- come forward and take my po- tee/forum/meeting type thingy that does have some- 16 Sport Surrey Campusport Shame Westminster IVths A Final Waming 3, Surrey Vths 1. Chrìstmas Exam Closures EXERCISE/AEROBICS THE HTNESS CLUB will We didn't play very weil. At The Campusport CLASSES will also be af- be opening at 7.30 a.m. - They did. Centre! fected - any class which nor- 9.00/30 a.m. during the exam mally takes place in the period to enable members to Fisd Ali STUDENT CLUBS in- University Hall or Campus- train. On Wednesday 6th, volved - Badminton, Karaté, port Hall has been cancelled. Monday llth, Tuesday 12th Fencing, Trampoline, Vol- However the Campusport and Wednesday 13th Decem- leyball etc - those of you who studio can be used between ber it will be closed during Noreens use the Main Hall at the Cam- 12.00 and 1.00 p.m. and lunch time. There are leaflets pusport Centre. Sorry! the generally after 5.00 p.m. at reception which give exact Training Hall is in use for exams and Please phone reception on opening times, do cali in and will be unavailable from Extn. 9201 to check availa- collect one. Tips: Wednesday 6th December bility and exam times. through to the end of tenn. We apologise for the incon- venience of these closures.

19. Get into the Thursday Night Fever! habit of taking your puise when 'M SURE MANY If you can do the above then early next semester so all old OF YOU danced to LINE DANCING should be hands limber up and be ready. you wake up - a no problem. With dancers Novices will always be wel- change of more IW i g f i e 1 d ' s ready, the country music come and you too will be "Saturday Night" at its drifts out of the speakers and LINE DANCING like a pro than 2 beats can height of popularity even you can't help but smile as in a short time. signify over if you don't now (or you start to move. Once you leam the basics, embellish- Hopefully, there will be a training. won't admit it!) Do you ment cornes naturally and LINE DANCING social remember adults dancing makes it more enjoyable. event next semester at the end to the "Locomotion" at of February. Pencil the 29th l'm no Fred Astaire and hate into you diary and come weddings when you were suits - jeans, T-shirts and two along for a great evening's young? left feet are my style. Fun is entertainment. Keep an eye 20. Be fit There's style of dancing that what it's about and LINE open . for further an- has only recently become DANCING is that so come nouncements. BEFORE you widely known in Britain and and give it a try. play sport - don't it is gaining a large following. Andy Hayton Another American export to Unfortunately, LINE DANC- Maths play to get fìt. our shores - one that is more ING has finished for this se- fun than the hotdog! mester but will be retuming Steve Apologises for writing a column this week, Gordon Bennett! but he jhas had a N SATURDAY the Surrey defence were The Surrey attack ran rings really bad day and THE SURREY just too good. Sharon around a disorientated Gor- don's defence. Accurate and doesn't feel like it ONETB ALL (Union President) Baker swift passing by Nikki B. to anymore. team played Gordon's in and Nicki "get off the the Surrey shooters enabled a gruesome match. ground" Ashdown did an Jenny "Jen Jen" Scott and Despite the wind and rain excellent job of Nicky 'Tve gol glue on my However... fmgers" Fairbairn to make we were 11-1 ahead after suppressing the some unsurpassable shots. the first quarter, and Gordon's attack, and Gordon's, battling to stay with some amazing Surrey shot to yet another vic- Steve WILL write tory with a convincing 42-36 something next in the game, rearranged interceptions and win. Well played everyone, their whole team. mid-court play by "yes I and thanks to Andy for his week! Unfortunately for them, can fly" Wendy France support. and Rachael "stormin'" this did not have much Rachael Heppenstall & affect! Gordon's Heppenstall we never Nicid Ashdown grappled for the bail but lost our lead. Advertisement Feature 17

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UUill you be one of sabbaticals next year ? Also: Run for a place on the NUS conference over Easter 18 Sport ^^Super Women's Ist's 6 Frooper^^ Brunei 0 X AST thing deep inside those Sur- ICTORY - cheers Martina and Cheryl. rey lassies and within minutes The ball remains mainly in • SATURDAY, NUMBER ONE of pushing back, Surrey OF THE our possession with AU Neils -LlrHE LADIES equalised. The goal came V (our lovely coach) hard work HOCKEY Ist team set after Surrey's constant press- SEASON - just a shame actually starting to show. Lin out to play Tube Hill. ure led to a superb goal from it came so late but wasn't gets goal #5, along with the Unfortunately the Claire, who has become the it worth waiting for ?! promise of a mucl^ pint for team's top scorer. We started really well and ac- the hat-trick. Cheryl and her mysterious flu bug had tually continued to play well mighty footwork around the hit the team hard and Surrey battled for a winning for the whole game. We rather large defence puts the Surrey were only able to goal but it wasn't to be. The tested the concept of team- final goal away. Wow, a 6-0 team was pleased with the 1 -1 work and blooming heck it victory. field nine players - not draw, still remain unbeaten worked. Possession in the only that but the match and top of their league. It also Heidi only touched the ball 3 was to be played on appears that Surrey has a game was mainly ours and goal number one came from times thanks to a strong grass. A surface tJiat they potential flasher in their defence who managed to get our captain around the 20th midst! As one of their players, it together this match and hadn't played on for minute. The shock of seeing years! Despite the fact who shall remain nameless, prove the ball can stay in the mistook the door to the car- the ball go into the correct net that all the odds were set opposition half if we try. park for the entrance to the must have done something to Highlight of the match ap- against them, Surrey showers and stood there us, as after this there was no pears to have been Soran's played like real troopers. naked, in all her glory. The stopping us. Goal number attempt to incorporate gym- Every player giving tiiem bimbo concerned would like two shortly followed thanks nastics into the game with an 110%. Unfortunately to publicly apologise for any to some excellent passing in impressive back flip - reason midfield - hang on a minute, just before half-time, distress caused by this act of why she did it though still gross indecency, to anybody could we be 2-0 up at half remains a mystery. following a goal mouth who happened to be passing time? scramble, Surrey let one by especially to any young Celebrations all round, we fi- in. What would happen children and those of a deli- Second half we were trying to nally managed to pull off a cate disposition. remain cool and calm and not victory (must have been that to Surrey's unbeaten get over excited about 2 goals league record? inspiring article Steve!???). Lou but by the 47th minute in goes A morale boosting team talk goal #3, 49th minute sees #4 Alison Budgen by Liz (captain) stirred some-

UNIVERSITY OF SURREY ursJiorM The Christian Onion CTLLJB DO YOU : presents Sat Phil Wall speaking on Plljat 0filtrtstas all ¿mit? OR WANT TO DECIDE ON Friday 1st December, 7:30-9:30pm in the Library Restuarant

THEN ASK THE PRESIDENT nil are welcome ABOUT JOINING CLUB COMMITTEE OPEN TO ALL FULL MEMBERS 20 Sport Surrey County Cup Football Ist XI4 Frimlev Green 3

itial phase of play was, as down. At last this provided The drama was far from over. Andy Gray would say, noth- the impetus for goal frenzy Having had an unusually sub- HE ing short of 'criminal'. which followed. A clinical dued game on his return from TCONDITIONS strike from lamie "Magoo" a recent injuiy (although I'm After failing to convert some Hutchison was followed by WERE guilt-edged chances, the iné- not sure which one), Chris PERFECT for cup another Opposition goal Tribbe glided past his marker vitable happened. On what whereby the usually rock-like football; a blustery wind, must have been the opposi- to seal a famous victory with Baresi Barr was done up like a telling strike. The referee, in some light rain, and a tion's first sortie into enemy a kipper (but where was the territory, a goalmouth keeping with his overall dis- playing surface which keeper?). Three one down play, still had time to book a was ideally suited to scramble resulted in the ball with 15 minutes to go. being dumped into the Surrey member of the Opposition for Surrey's slick passing drawing breath, and the resol- net, past a disbelieving and But, as the expression goes, game. The opposition flat-footed back four. The re- ute Surrey defenders had to came to Fortress Varsity 'cometh the hour, cometh the keep out a last ditch effort by mainder of the first half man'. In a brilliant tactical with a réputation as a passed fairly uneventfully, Friniley to rescue the game. move, which didn't smack of Hold out they did, and now tough team to beat, and which was probably just as desperation in the least, the so it proved. well, because the team coach the team faces the prospect of stand-in skipper Si "mad a plum home tie against tip The players began this second Jim the 'little fella' was un- dog" Howells flung himself happy enough as it was. Opposition in the next round., round tie with the passion and up front. The switch paid I think the song goes some- commitment which the occa- dividends. Hutchinson thing like "We're on our way The half time rollicking notched again to underline his sion demanded. A flurry of which ensued made sure the to Wembley " chances came (and went), Potential as a free-scoring Surrey emerged after the midfielder. with Gary Denny weaving his break firing on all cylinders. Mad Dog intricate spells to good effect And promptly went two-nil on the right flank. However, the fmishing during this in- Have It!! SURREY 3Rn\S 4 BRIJNKT. 0

finished by International Ali. the same. With Surrey in- under the helpless keepers One nil and from then on the spired by G-Man's usuai half arms. The fourth goal saw HE THIRD result was never in doubt. A time rant the football conti- second team star Coatsy seal TTEAM HEROES rock solid defence and prob- nued and 'The Entertainers' the game with a bullet header. STROLLEDonto ing attacks lead to lengthy continued to please the full periods of Surrey pressure. capacity crowd (of literally Celebrations proceeded with the pitch filled with beers, Van Morrison's brown confidence, Red Bull, one man and his dog with Surrey benefited from the flowing, attacking, textbook eyed girl (6 times), skydiving Mars bars and Lucazade wisdom of their Wimbledon style football. Brunei had no from the captain, lovers tiffs, tablets ready to stuff it coach by creating another answer to Surrey's style and and Meadsy drinldng 11 Sna- into an unsuspecting well worked short corner, verve and the game was key blacks without falling off : Brunei outfit. which led to G-Man almost sealed in the last 15 minutes a Stag Hill roof Things looked promising destroying a Brunei defender- with another two goals. s chance of fatherhood as he Overall a superb performance from the start with a full Supersub Budd opened up his from an on form 3rd team strength 3rd team playing cleared it off the line with his scoring profile for the Srd's old boy. Man of the Match who now have their sights champagne football all over with a cracking goal that cut firmly set on the next round of the pitch. It wasn't long be- Corky followed in to make it through the Brunei defence two nil. the UAU's. Good Work fore Surrey's domination like a hot knife through butter Fellas. proved too much for a shaky The result was inevitable and (to use the words of our club looking Brunei back four. A so the second half was exactly captain - Baresi) and rocketed Zammo Surrey corner was expertly Audio Visual Services are pleased to be associateci with and be printingfor f The University of Surrey Studefits' Union "Bare Facts"

warm welcome is extendèéfto allffyiiversity Stqff & Students to fulfìl yoU^ fequire

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