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Titanique Captions >> SIT BACK, RELAX. YOUR STELLAR STREAM IS ABOUT TO BEGIN. [MUSIC] >> YOU'RE WATCHING STELLAR. WELCOME TO TITANIQUE: THE MAIDEN VOYAGE CONCERT AT LE POISSON ROUGE! I’M KYLE FREEMAN AND I’LL BE YOUR TOUR GUIDE. AS YOU ALL KNOW, THE PAST YEAR AND A HALF HAS BEEN AN UTTER SHIT SHOW. SO WE THOUGHT, WHY NOT MAKE IT A MUSICAL SHIT SHOW. WHILE THE PANDEMIC MAY HAVE RE-CHARTED TITANIQUE’S COURSE, IT HAS NOT SUNK OUR SHIP OF DREAMS. SO TONIGHT, WE ARE LIVE, HONEY! [APPLAUSE] OUR AUDIENCE HERE IS SMALL AS HELL BUT THEY'RE MIGHTY. FOR THOSE OF YOU WATCHING AT HOME, CHAT WITH US ON THE STELLAR APP, DRINK LIKE SAILORS, AND SHOWER US WITH APPLAUSE FROM NEAR, FAR...WHEREVER YOU ARE. ANYWAY, I GOTTA GET TO THE SHOW - HAVE FUN GIRLFRIENDS! [APPLAUSE] [MUSIC] [PIANO] [MUSIC]. >> A NEW DAY, AHH. >> A NEW DAY, AHH. WELCOME TO THE TITANIC MUSEUM. PLEASE, HAVE A LOOK AROUND. YOU'LL SEE ARTIFACTS FROM ONE OF THE GREATEST TRAGEDIES IN AMERICAN HISTORY. >> AH! >> AH! MMM... >> OVER HERE YOU'LL FIND A VINTAGE MONOCLE WORN BY THE SHIP'S CAPTAIN. HE HAD LIKE...REALLY BAD EYESIGHT. >> AH! AH! MMM.... >> AND HERE YOU'LL FIND AN ACRYLIC PORTRAIT OF A CHILD HOLDING A DAISY IN ONE HAND AND A MACHETE IN THE OTHER. >> AH! AH! MMM…. >> AND OVER HERE YOU'LL FIND MY EX BOYFRIEND, BRIAN. BRIAN, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE? YOU LOOK DAMN FINE THOUGH. MMMM. I WANT TO TAKE A BITE OUT OF THAT. [LAUGHTER] I LOVE YOU, BRIAN. I'M STILL IN LOVE WITH YOU. ALRIGHT, WHERE WERE WE! COME ON. >> AH! AH! MMM… >> DON'T TOUCH THAT NOW. SINGLE FILE, COME ON EVERYBODY. THIS IS A GOOD ONE. ARE WE ALL HERE? AND HERE IS THE HEART OF THE OCEAN NECKLACE WORN BY ROSE DEWITT BUKAKI. I KNOW THAT WAS MY FAVORITE TOO. SHE WAS ONE OF THE SIX SURVIVORS PULLED FROM THE SHIP. DO I HAVE ANY MORE QUESTIONS? >> I HAVE A QUESTION. >> HOW ABOUT THAT MYSTERIOUS LOOKING LADY WITH A WITCH ON A STICK. >> THAT'S NOT HOW I REMEMBER IT. [MUSIC] CELINE DION, WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THIS MUSEUM ON SUNDAY? >> SURPRISE. THIS IS CRAZY, WHY AM I HERE? GIRLFRIENDS, HOW ARE YOU? THIS GUY RIGHT HERE IS DOING GREAT. GUESS WHAT, THIS GUY RIGHT HERE? I AM DOING BETTER. THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH FOR HAVING ME. I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I DON'T KNOW YOU BUT I LOVE YOU. YOU ARE MY FRIENDS. YOU ARE MY FRIENDS. YOU'RE MY BEST FRIENDS. IN DA WHOLE WORLD. AND I LOVE YOU SO MUCH. I AM SORRY, I AM CRYING, I HAVE BEEN IN THIS PANDE...HOW DO YOU SAY...THIS PAND...E... AH YES. THIS PANDA EXPRESS. I HAVE BEEN IN THIS PANDA EXPRESS FOR OVER A YEAR. >> DO YOU MEAN...PANDEMIC. >> AH YES, THAT IS WHAT I MEANT. BUT ALSO...ONE TIME...I WAS IN A PANDA EXPRESS FOR OVER A YEAR. IT WAS CRAZY. IT WAS ME AND THIS ORANGE CHICKEN AND I SAY TO THIS CHICKEN, CHICKEN, WHY YOU ORANGE, I GOTTA GO. ANYWAY, I GOT OUT OF THIS PANDEMIC, I CAME HERE TO THIS MUSEUM TO SAY TO YOU THAT I AM HERE BECAUSE THIS IS NOT HOW I REMEMBER THE STORY OF TITANIQUE AT ALL. >> BUT CELINE DION, YOU JUST SANG THE THEME SONG TO THE MOVIE. YOU WEREN'T ACTUALLY ON THE TITANIC. >> OR WAS I. [MUSIC]. >> BUT...THAT WOULD MAKE YOU AT LEAST 150 YEARS OLD. >> AND YOU ARE CONFUSED BECAUSE... >> PEOPLE DON'T LIVE THAT LONG. >> OR DO THEY. >> OH. >> MY MOM ALWAYS TOLD ME... >> SO, CELINE DION. IF YOU WERE ACTUALLY ON THE TITANIC...WHAT REALLY HAPPENED. >> IT'S BEEN 84 YEARS AND I CAN STILL SMELL THE FRESH PAINT. CHINA HAD NEVER BEEN USED. THE SHEETS HAD NEVER BEEN SLEPT IN. TITANIQUE WAS CALLED THE SHIP OF DREAMS. AND IT WAS. IT REALLY WAS. LET'S SEE. WHAT ELSE DO I REMEMBER... THERE WERE NIGHTS WHEN THE WIND WAS SO COLD. >> OOH. >> THAT MY BODY FROZE IN BED IF I JUST LISTENED TO IT RIGHT OUTSIDE THE WINDOW. >> HAHH. >> THERE WERE DAYS WHEN THE SUN WAS SO CRUEL. >> AHH. >> THAT ALL THE TEARS TURNED TO DUST. AND I JUST KNEW MY EYES WERE DRYING UP FOREVER. >> FOREVERRRR. >> BUT YOU WERE HISTORY WITH THE SLAMMING OF THE DOOR. (YELLING) SLAM! >> AND I MADE MYSELF SO STRONG AGAIN SOMEHOW. AND I NEVER WASTED ANY OF MY TIME ON YOU SINCE THEN BUT WHEN YOU TOUCH ME LIKE THIS AND YOU HOLD ME LIKE THAT IT WAS SO LONG AGO BUT IT'S ALL COMING BACK TO ME IF YOU TOUCH ME LIKE THIS AND IF I KISS YOU LIKE THAT IT WAS GONE WITH THE WIND BUT IT'S ALL COMING BACK TO ME. >> IT'S ALL COMING BACK, IT'S ALL COMING BACK TO ME NOW. >> THERE WERE MOMENTS OF GOLD AND THERE WERE -- >> FLASHES OF LIGHT. >> THERE WERE THINGS WE'D NEVER DO AGAIN. BUT THEN THEY'D-- ALWAYS SEEMED RIGHT. >> THERE WERE NIGHTS OF ENDLESS PLEASURE. IT WAS MORE THAN ANY LAWS ALLOW. >> BABY, BABY, BABY. WHEN YOU TOUCH LIKE THIS. OOOHHH. AND WHEN YOU HOLD ME LIKE THAT. IT WAS GONE WITH THE WIND BUT IT'S-- ALL COMING BACK TO ME. WHEN YOU SEE ME LIKE THIS. OOHHH. AND WHEN I SEE YOU LIKE THAT. THEN WE SEE WHAT WE WANT TO SEE. >> ALL COMING BACK TO ME. >> THE FLESH AND THE FANTASIES. >> ALL COMING BACK TO ME. >> I CAN BARELY RECALL BUT IT'S... ALL COMING BACK TO ME NOW HOW?! >> WELL, WELL, WELL WOULDN'T YOU GUYS LIKE TO KNOW? YAS QUEEN! (TONGUE POP) OOHHH. OK, I'M READY TO TELL THE STORY. BECAUSE... >> IT'S ALL COMING BACK TO ME NOW. IT'S ALL COMING BACK TO ME NOW. >> AND WHEN YOU TOUCH ME LIKE -- >> IT'S ALL COMING BACK TO ME NOW. >> AND WHEN YOU HOLD ME LIKE THAT. >> IT'S ALL COMING BACK TO ME NOW. >> AND IF YOU DO IT LIKE THIS. >> IT'S ALL COMING BACK TO ME NOW. >> (WHISPERING) AND IF WE... >> HOOO (APPLAUSE). >> THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU SO MUCH. IF I MAY CONTINUE. >> YES, PLEASE. >> THANK YOU. I WILL NEVER FORGET THE DAY I GOT ON BOARD OF TITANIQUE. IT WAS JULY 4TH, 1776-- (CONFUSED) --UMMM, THAT'S INDEPENDENCE DAY. AND I WAS INDEPENDENT FROM MY CANADIAN HOME FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE. IT WAS SO EXCITING! THERE WERE SO MANY PEOPLE WAITING TO GET ON THE SHIP THAT DAY! THERE WAS A DREAMER NAMED JACK, AND HIS ITALIAN SIDEKICK WHO LOOKED LIKE LUIGI FROM MARIOKART! >>(À LA MARIOKART) I'MA LUIGI! NUMBER ONE! >> COME ON, LUIGI! LET'S PLAY A HAND OF POKER AND GET A TICKET TO THAT SHIP! >> IT'S A-LUIGI TIME! >>(SINGING UNDERGROUND THEME SONG) DAH, DAH, DAH, DAH, DAH, DAH. >> AND WHO COULD FORGET TWO TIME ACADEMY AWARD WINNER, KATHY BATES. [APPLAUSE] UNSINGABLE MOLLY BROWN UNBREAKABLE KIMMY SCHMIDT. THAT'S WHAT I SAID. (BEAT) THERE WAS VICTOR GARBER FROM THE HIT TV SHOW ALIAS. >> AND DON'T FORGET KUNG FU PANDA 2! >> THAT IS MY FAVORITE MOVIE. HIGH FIVE, GIRLFRIEND! AND THEN THERE WAS THE ENTIRE BRITISH AND IRISH CREW, PLAYED....BY ONE MAN. >> DEAL WITH IT, WE DON'T GOT THE BUDGET. WE DON'T. THERE WAS THE SWEET INGENUE FIANCÉ, CAL. >> YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY: "THE BIGGER THE SHIP, THE BIGGER THE DECK." UP HIGH, IT'S A JOKE. >>(SULKING) YOU'RE NOT VERY FUNNY. [LAUGHING]. >> CAL, YOU'RE HILLLARIOUUUSSS. >> AND THERE WAS ROSE'S MOTHER, RUTH. ANOTHER GORGEOUS DAY TO BE A RICH, WHITE RACIST. >> DEAR, WHAT'S WRONG. >>(SOFTLY) MOTHER, I DON'T WANT TO BE ENGAGED TO CAL-- >> (QUICKLY) --YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH. CAL MIGHT BE WEARING A FULL FACE OF MAKEUP, BUT HE'S RICH AS HELL AND YOU WILL MARRY HIM. >> (HAVING A TANTRUM) BUT I DON'T WANNA! >> EXCUSE ME, MISS. YOU DROPPED YOUR... >> (IN UNISON) CRABTREE AND EVELYN SCARF. [MUSIC]. >> DON'T KNOW MUCH ABOUT YOUR LIFE. >> DON'T KNOW MUCH ABOUT YOUR WORLD. >> DON'T WANNA BE ALONE TONIGHT ON THIS PLANET THEY CALL EARTH. >> YOU DON'T KNOW ABOUT MY PAST. >> I DON'T HAVE A FUTURE FIGURED OUT. >> AND MAYBE THIS IS GOING TOO FAST. >> AND MAYBE IT'S NOT MEANT TO LAST,. >> BUT WHAT DO YOU SAY TO TAKING CHANCES,. >> WHAT DO YOU SAY TO JUMPING OFF THE EDGE. >> NEVER KNOWING IF THERE'S SOLID GROUND BELOW OR HAND TO HOLD, OR HELL TO PAY. WHAT DO YOU SAY, WHAT DO YOU SAY. >> ROSE! WHAT ON EARTH ARE YOU DOING SINGING WITH THAT AGING TWINK!? DARLING, PLEASE BOARD ALREADY - OUR VERY FUTURE DEPENDS UPON IT! I JUST WANT TO START AGAIN. >> MAYBE I CAN SHOW YOU HOW TO TRY,. >> AND MAYBE YOU COULD TAKE ME IN, SOMEWHERE UNDERNEATH YOUR SKIN. >> WHAT DO YOU SAY TO TAKING CHANCES, WHAT DO YOU SAY TO JUMPING OFF THE EDGE? NEVER KNOWING IF THERE'S SOLID GROUND BELOW OR HAND TO HOLD, OR HELL TO PAY, WHAT DO YOU SAY,. >> FLUSH. LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE NEVER GETTING THAT TICKET TO THE TITANIC. MWAHHAHAHA! >> HMMM. HAVE YOU EVER HEARD THE PHRASE... “WHEN YOU'RE LOST OUT THERE AND YOU'RE ALL ALONE, THE NIGHT IS WAITING TO CARRY YOU HOME?”. >> (CONFUSED) WAIT...ISN'T THAT FROM THE SHOW... FULL HOUSE. WHICH BEATS FLUSH, BITCH! >> LUIGI, WE GOT A TICKET ON THE SHIP! COME ON, IT'S BOARDING! >> (À LA MARIOKART) HEREEEE WE GOOO! >> WHADDYA SAY.
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