Beyond Dance Etiquette:

Success and Enjoyment in So cial Dancing

Aria Nosratinia

1 Intro duction dancer's b est asset.

In the following we touch on a few of the more

People dance so cially mostly for the pure joy of it.

imp ortant asp ects. For more details see the accom-

1

For the dancing enthusiast, nothing compares to the

panying article \Elements of Dance Etiquette."

thrill of moving with grace and harmony to a b eau-

tiful piece of music with that wonderful partner of

 Never blame your partner for anything that

the moment.

may happ en on the dance o or. Not if you

want him/her to dance with you again.

But anyone who has ever b een to a so cial dance

notices that not everyone is having a good time,

 A request for a dance must be accepted un-

or at least not equally so. While some sit out many

der almost all circumstances. If you decline

dances, others are constantly in demand. These for-

a dance, you yourself cannot dance until the

tunate dancers seem not only to have a great time,

end of that song.

they also transfer their sense of joy to others around

them. There is something ab out these individuals

 No unsolicited teaching on the dance o or!

that transcends go o d lo oks and dancing skill. How

There is a good chance this will make your

do they do it? What are the p ersonal qualities,

partner feel small and humiliated. Not ex-

habits, and skills that lead to success on the so cial

actly a great way of encouraging him/her, or

dance o or? This article explores answers to these

others, to dance with you.

questions.

 Do not monop olize a partner on the dance

o or. Dancers are p olite and rarely say no

to a dance, but this is no carte blanche to im-

2 Etiquette and Beyond

p ose on their kindness. Dance with everyone,

and let everyone dance.

Success in a so cial activity requires awareness of ac-

cepted norms of b ehavior. The imp ortance of dance

 On the o or, b e considerate of the other cou-

etiquette to the so cial dancer can hardly be over-

ples. Exercise go o d o orcraft; do not cut other

stated. Etiquette is imp ortanteverywhere, but es-

couples o ; no aerials or choreographed steps

p ecially in dancing, a delicate activity where un-

on the dance o or.

pleasantness has no place.

One may argue that the remainder of this article

Dance communities tend to b e fairly small, giv-

is also etiquette-related. True, to the extent that

ing a nice self-enforcing characteristic to dance eti-

etiquette, in promoting happy so cial interactions,

quette. Inconsiderate individuals may temp orarily

shares many of the motivations of the discussions to

enjoy themselves at other dancers' exp ense. But

come. Where exactly etiquette mandatory b ehav-

they quickly develop a reputation, mostly unb eknownst

ior ends, and smart voluntary b ehavior starts, is

to them, and b ecome outcasts. A go o d reputation,

as a considerate and enjoyable partner, is a so cial

1

http:==www.ee.princeton.edu/ aria/dancing.html

~ 1

Entertain your partner: You are there not an academic issue. The skillful so cial dancer seam-

only to have a go o d time yourself, but also to enter- lessly combines etiquette with other considerations,

tain your partner. This means, among other things, to create for herself an enjoyable dancing atmo-

making him/her comfortable, dancing at a level that sphere. We pro ceed to talk ab out some of these

is enjoyable for b oth, and maintaining a go o d sense considerations.

of humor if something go es wrong. If you are a p er-

fectionist in your dance studies, leaveit b ehind in

so cial dancing. Own up to mistakes if yours, but

3 Make Your Partner Happy

do not dwell on them either way. Playfulness and

lightheartedness in dancing also go es a long way.

The single biggest secret of success in so cial dancing

Lo ok at your partner and smile except in dances

is to makeyour partners happy. Once you succeed

one is not supp osed to. Fo cus not on yourself, but

at this task, your p opularity will soar and you will

on your partner.

never have a shortage of willing and enthusiastic

Make your partner feel appreciated: The partners to dance with.

most p opular dancers are not necessarily the most

Realization of this fact and the commitmentto

skillful, but rather the ones who make clear to each

use it as a guideline in so cial dancing is an imp or-

partner howmuch that p erson's company is appre-

tant rst step. Then, one needs to master the skills

ciated and enjoyed. Most p eople would rather not

needed to actually implement this p olicy. We will

dance with someone who acts b ored or put up on,

revisit di erent facets of this concept, but for now,

no matter how amazing their dancing is.

a few concrete examples:

The annoyance factor: There are many things

No uncomfortable leads: Cranking your fol-

that may b e acceptable in everyday situations, and

lower's arm to make her turn, pushing and pulling

yet can b e very annoying when done at very close

to bring her into p osition, and other forceful leads

proximity, as one has to b e while dancing. In par-

will not be appreciated. If she is not doing what

ticular, avoid humming to the music, counting the

you want, then probably your lead was not skillful

steps, or chewing gum while dancing.

enough. Unless you know a pattern well, do not ex-

It is worthwhile to rep eat once more the cardinal ecute it on the so cial dance o or. Keep it for classes

and practice time, until you have mastered the pat-

rule of so cial dancing: You are happy when your

partner is happy. tern, then bring it on the so cial dance o or. If the

lead is go o d and the follower is still not following,

again the leader is at fault, b ecause he is leading a

pattern to o dicult for his follower.

4 Who is Popular?

No back-leading: When you ask or accept to

At this p oint you are a considerate so cial dancer follow someone in a dance, you implicitly agree to

who always puts his/her partner rst. But building let them lead. While this do esn't mean you have

a reputation takes time. What makes someone p op- to b e a p erfect follower, or even a particularly go o d

ular at rst sight? If you lo ok around a dance hall one, it do es mean that you should not try to lead

at the start of a song, you will see dancers going them. It is disresp ectful and disturbing to your part-

around, scanning the crowd, lo oking for their next ner when you steal the lead; you are rejecting their

partner. Surely,you think to yourself, they don't all contribution to the partnership.

know their p otential partners. Then what are they

Protect your partner: For the leader this has

lo oking for? Here are some answers:

two asp ects. The rst is o orcraft. Anticipate the

Good dancers are in demand: This is by movement of other dancers, and matchyour gures

far the most e ective way of b ecoming p opular in to empty spaces on the o or, so that you do not run

the dancing circles. Regardless of everything else, your partner into other couples. Secondly, if there

good dancers are always in demand. This should is imminent danger of collision, pull your partner

serve as a powerful incentive to try and improve close and turn, so that you absorb the blow. The

your dancing. There is no need to know a mil- follower can also protect her partner bykeeping an

lion patterns; but one needs to have good technique eye out b ehind his back. If a couple is approaching

and lead/follow. Practice, practice, practice! Then from his blind sp ot, a small pressure on his shoulder

practice some more. or hand can warn him of p ossible collision. 2

memb er that although nature is not equally kind to Dancers seek dancers: Dancers are more likely

everyone, we all have our strong p oints. Attractive- to seek those they see dancing on the o or. Only

ness may help in getting the rst dance, but for the as a second choice do they turn to those sitting on

second dance, p ersonality, sense of humor, and go o d the sidelines. Mayb e this is due to a feeling of con-

dancing skills can easily win out over cuteness. dence that someone seen on the o or is actually

a dancer, or a pleasant dancer, or is less likely to

decline a dance. Whatever the reason, if you are

seen dancing on the o or, you have a b etter chance

5 Dance Partners

of getting the next dance. Think of it as a form of

dancers' inertia. Getting over this inertia will help

We already know ab out not monop olizing a partner.

you have a pleasant night of dancing. Do your b est

Dance etiquette has ruled that no more than two

to get the rst few dances once you arrive at a dance

consecutive songs b e danced with the same partner,

event; it gets easier afterwards.

so that everyone can nd a diversity of partners to

dance with. To do this is not only fair, it is smart: Dance sho es: Dancers lo ok for dancers, but

you will get to dance with everyone and improve the how do es one sp ot a dancer unless you see one

prosp ects of your so cial dancing. dancing? The answer is: dance sho es! At a dance

event where p eople don't know each other, you will

Dancing with a wide set of partners is a cor-

see exp erienced dancers scan the crowd, not lo ok-

nerstone of so cial dancing. This general principle

ing at faces, but rather lo oking at the feet! Making

applies to everyone, including dancers who are ro-

an investment in a pair of dance sho es is a sign

mantically involved. A romantic pair that dances

of enthusiasm for dancing. Dancers know that, so

only with one another undermines the structure of

wearing dance sho es will increase your chances of

soical dancing by refusing to contribute to it.

getting asked to dance.

Romantic couples who refuse to dance with oth-

Dancers seek those who say \yes": Being

ers often act out of fear and inhibition: fear of dam-

turned down for a dance is never fun. Besides, it is

aging the romance by dancing with someone else, or

a waste of time: with only a few seconds between

feelings of insecurity when their sweetheart is danc-

songs, if one gets turned down once or twice, the

ing with someone else. These negative emotions are

next song is a loss. If you decline dances, or if you

unfounded, and arise from completely invalid no-

lo ok stern, or hard to please, your chances of b eing

tions of so cial dancing. Requesting or accepting a

asked to dance will b e reduced, which brings us to

dance carries no commitment outside of the dura-

the next p oint.

tion of a song, typically 3-5 minutes. Think of it as

a brief chat with someone in a co cktail party, be- Eagerness, willingness to dance: Stand close

fore moving on to the next conversation. Going to to the edge of the dance o or. Watch the dancers

a dance and declining to dance with everyone is as on the o or, tap your fo ot to the music. Smile.

b oring and p ointless as going to a party and not Dancers will be attracted to you if they feel you

sp eaking to anyone. We will say more ab out this

want to dance. Better yet, don't wait to b e asked.

topic in the section on \Dancing and Romance." Go ask someone to dance! What is the worst that

can happ en? Even if you are turned down, you have

A great way to increase one's circle of dance ac-

demonstrated your willingness to dance.

quaintances is to ask b eginners to dance. I still

fondly remember the advanced dancers who with

Sense of humor, pleasantness: Be nice to

some degree of regularity asked me to dance when I your partner. He/She was certainly nice enough

was a novice. Dancing with b eginners is not only an to ask you to dance, or agree to dance with you,

excellentwaytodevelop your lead/follow, but also

so return the favor. Rememb er, you are there to

is a great human investment that will pay o hand- have fun, so have fun! Have, or at least emulate, a

somely, b ecause novice dancers don't remain that pleasant demeanor. Most imp ortantly, smile!

way for long. Don't think of dancing with a novice

Attractive individuals are p opular: In danc-

as charity,you are doing yourself a favor.

ing, as anywhere else, go o d-lo oking p eople havean

On the other hand, be judicious ab out asking advantage. Men, esp ecially, will gravitate to pretty

those more skillful than you. If everyone was con- women. Women, while lamenting the shallowness

stantly seeking dance partners b etter than them- of men, will b ehave similarly. But if you are not

selves, virtually no dancing would take place. Dancers among the lucky few whose b eauty turn heads, re- 3

ily is there forever. That is why maintenance of are nice, so the skillful partners that you seek may

relationships within a family is critical: few of us not decline at rst, but if you continue to hunt

ever cho ose new parents or siblings. Once a rela- them down, they will start avoiding you. My rule

tionship within a family has soured, its e ects are of thumb is: the frequency of asking someone to

long-lasting and painful. In the same vein, it pays dance is inversely prop ortional with their level of

to maintain good relationships in the dance com- dancing. If someone is far more skilled than you,

munity, b ecause as long as you go dancing in the then ask them only sparingly of course feel free to

same geographical area, you will run into the same accept whenever they ask you, which could be of-

p eople over and over again, and awkward situations ten. If someone is equally or less skilled than you,

will remain, well, awkward. ask them more often.

Avoiding unpleasant situations is easy, esp ecially Howdoyou get dancers, esp ecially b etter dancers,

b ecause most dancers are easygoing, nice p eople. to dance with you? Just be a considerate, warm,

Just don't go out of your way to aggravate anyone. fun-loving partner, and keep improving your danc-

Easily done, b ecause there is so much dancing going ing.

on, there is hardly time for anything else. All one

Finally, on the sub ject of regular dance part-

has to do is to observe elementary so cial graces. De-

ners: whether or not to have a regular partner de-

spite this, there are a few situations where dancers

p ends on many factors. The obvious advantage of a

are prone to get in trouble.

dance partnership is having someone to take classes

One of these sticky situations involves dance eti- and practice with, or to go out dancing with, es-

quette. Everyone seems to agree to dance etiquette p ecially to places not frequented by dancers. How-

in abstract, but there is a wide variation in what in- ever, dance partnerships present unique challenges,

dividuals b elieve applies to them in practice. When and may complicate other parts of your life. A

you see someone who is, in your opinion, in viola- dance partnership is a very sp ecial kind of relation-

tion of dance etiquette, it maybeawfully tempting ship, with a delicate balance, whose maintenance is

to go and give the o ender a piece of your mind. Or highly nontrivial. The interaction of dance partner-

at least, to try and p olitely p oint out the mistake. ships with p ersonal and romantic life is esp ecially

Don't give in to that temptation! something to b e carefully considered.

It is very dicult, in fact next to imp ossible, to There are many arguments b oth in favor and

change p eople. Few of us have that magical com- against regular dance partnerships; the validity of

bination of tact, insight, and charisma to be able each of these arguments varies greatly according to

to change someone's b ehavior in a meaningful way. the p ersonalities involved. Likeany other relation-

You are likely to generate resentment without ac- ship, a dance partnership requires care, consider-

complishing anything. Furthermore, you will lo ok ation, and exp enditure of time and e ort. Before

a silly busyb o dy to onlo okers. The exception is the getting into a partnership, make sure you are will-

case of a close friend, whom you feel obligated to ing to make the p ersonal investment necessary to

help out. In that case, any related conversation had make it a success.

b etter take place tactfully and in private. But in

It is worth noting that one has no claim on the

general: Etiquette, yes. Etiquette p olice, no!

regular dance partner during a so cial dance. In a so-

Do es this mean that etiquette o enders go scot cial dance, everyone dances with everyone, with the

free? Not really. Etiquette has a wonderful self- exception of the rst and last dance of the evening,

enforcing mechanism. Consistent violators will nd which can b e reserved.

themselves more and more isolated, and thus prob-

lems usually take care of themselves.

6 The Dance Community

In some cases more direct action may b e needed,

esp ecially when the violator puts others in serious

immediate discomfort or danger. Action should then Shortly after starting to dance, you will have come

across most of the \regulars" who make up the back-

come not from the average dancer, but from some-

one ocial, for example the emcee or DJ. In that b one of the lo cal dance community. Dance com-

case it is very imp ortant that the rules are stated munities are fairly small. The dance communityis

unambiguously and enforced uniformly. Your job, like a family, and its memb ers are like family mem-

however, is nished once you bring a violation to b ers. Friendships come and go over time, but fam- 4

of a story: the ma jestyofWaltz, sensualityofTango, the attention of emcee or DJ.

aristo cratic nobilityofInternational Foxtrot, the ir-

It is also a good idea to avoid old, tired, and

reverant fun attitude of Swing, or the almost-reb ellious

unresolvable arguments, dance-related or otherwise.

abandon of Country Western. A particular dance

For example, there is nothing original left to b e said

may lo ok alternatively elegant, provo cative, strong,

if there ever was any ab out the sup eriority or in-

or sexy, but it is only a role-playing game. Cor-

feriorityofInternational vs. American style, Swing

resp ondingly, a so cial dance event is a safe haven

vs. Jive, Country Western vs. Swing vs. Ballro om,

where one can play these games and have a degree

and so on. More often than not, these are questions

of uninhibited fun, with the understanding that our

of taste, p eople have made up their minds, and will

actions on the dance o or, esp ecially during a dance,

not be swayed by anything that you have to say.

are not to b e interpreted according to the more se-

Enjoy the dance and the companyofyour dancing

rious and conservative standards of the outside

friends; don't put them down.

world.

A phenomenon one sometimes sees in so cial danc-

The common understanding of the dance com-

ing is dance cliques, groups of individuals that only

munity makes this level of fun p ossible; it has b een

dance among themselves, and implicitly or explicitly

agreed that we come together, enjoy our dancing,

discourage others from dancing with them. There is

and that our dancing activities have no implications

very little you can do if you come across them. But

beyond the dancing itself. To read more into what

if you are part of them: do yourself a favor, lighten

happ ens on the dance o or would b e a mistake.

up!

Two facets of this mistake that can b e particu-

larly hurtful: The rst is to misread the attention

and mannerisms of a partner, during dancing, as

7 Dancing and Romance

genuine romantic interest. While romances do de-

velop in the dancing community as anywhere else,

Dancing by its nature is a romantic activity. It in-

b e careful ab out making any assumptions. You will

volves music, and the close proximity of usually

saveyourself from an awkward moment, or worse,

the opp osite sex. For most of us, this is part of the

endangering your dancing friendships.

attraction of dancing. Where else is the opp ortunity

of having an attractive stranger in your arms within

The second facet of this problem involves ro-

mantic partners that b oth dance. The key to their a few seconds of meeting them? However, the con-

dancing and romantic happiness is, once again, that nection of dancing and romance can unfortunately

also lead to misunderstanding and unhappiness.

dancing is merely role-playing, and that what hap-

p ens on the dance o or is not for real. Each of

Much of this unhappiness can be avoided by

them should feel free to dance with other memb ers

awareness of the basic premises of so cial dancing.

of the dance community. Realizing this, they can

So cial dancing is exactly that, social. Once again I

spare themselves much pain and anguish, and build

will use the metaphor of a co cktail party: a dance is

a stronger relationship.

like a brief chat in a co cktail party, after which one

Despite the fact that much of dancing is fan- moves on to the next conversation. Eachof these

tasy and make-b elieve, and that many dancers keep conversations may in turn b e funny, heated, profes-

their romantic and dancing lives separate, there is sional, elegant, or provo cative. Nevertheless, they

are nothing but brief conversations, enjoyable at the

nothing against lo oking for romance in the dancing

circles. This may indeed seem a natural place for moment, but certainly not signifying or requiring a

it, since dancing is an activity that brings the two long-term interaction.

sexes together. However, if you participate in danc-

The same principle applies to so cial dancing:

ing only for romantic purp oses, it is advisable to b e

Each dance is a brief, and hop efully enjoyable, so-

subtle and artful ab out it.

cial encounter. Newcomers to dancing sometimes

have a hard time understanding this, but to ask or

accept a dance do es not necessarily indicate a p er-

8 Lo oking Inside

sonal interest, even though the dance itself might

lo ok passionate or provo cative.

When all is said and done, your happiness in so cial

Dancing is ab out fun and fantasy and make-

dancing dep ends more on you than anyone else. If

b elieve. It often involves imagination and the telling 5

Ab out this article: you are determined to have a go o d time, and havea

go o d attitude, you have a good chance of enjoying

your dancing exp erience.

This article was originally published on the Internet

as part of Aria's Dance Page, at the URL

The rst ingredient of a go o d attitude is a sense

http:==www.ee.princeton.edu/ aria/dancing.html.

~

of humor. Take all that comes to you in stride. If

you are not asked for dances, or are turned down a

Copyright c Aria Nosratinia 1999. All rights re-

few times, don't b e b othered. If a particular dance

served.

do es not go well, if you misstep in a pattern or two,

let it pass. You can do no b etter than your b est.

Permission is granted to make and distribute printed

Be nice to other dancers, continue to improveyour

copies of this article non-commercially. The author

dancing, and you will have a progressively more en-

reserves the right to electronic versions of this ar-

joyable dancing exp erience.

ticle, and non-electronic copyrights are granted on

Dancers are in general a likeable bunch. But

the condition that the article is repro duced in its

in dancing, as elsewhere, you will come across all

entirety and without any alterations, including this

typ es. So oner or later, someone may rub you the

copyright notice.

wrong way,oreven worse, b e directly obnoxious to

you. You may see gigantic egos, unsightly ambi-

tions, and plain unkindness. Esp ecially if you are

  

a novice dancer, these circumstances can be frus-

tratingly dicult to deal with. Thankfully these

situations are rare, but at such times it is esp ecially

imp ortant to lo ok inside and drawonyour strength

of character.

The key to enjoyment in dancing is awareness

of your goal: to enjoy dancing. Enjoyment is con-

tagious and cumulative. People like to be around

individuals who enjoy themselves. Be one of those

individuals. Be determined not to let small things

sp oil your evening of dancing.

To enjoy dancing, you must enjoy the music. If

you are not already a musical p erson, develop an

understanding and appreciation of the music. It

will also help your understanding of the dance.

Active, outgoing p ersonalities have an advantage

in so cial dancing. Even if you are not naturally

that way, try and cultivate a pro-active approach

to your dancing. If you like a song and want to

dance, if you like a partner and want to dance with

him/her, don't hesitate to go and ask. Make friends

in the dancing community. You would b e surprised

how much an o ccasional smile and salutation can

do. There are virtually hundreds of individuals out

there waiting to b e friends with you. All it takes is

a minimum level of e ort from you.

Ultimately no-one and nothing can make you

happy or unhappy. Only you can makeyou happy.

Dancing can help. 6