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Sixth Form Mercury Wilson’s School’s newest student‐run publication Volume 2, Issue 10, September 2012 ‘Tables and Plugs’: Welcome to the Future It has been compared to a I wouldn’t want to be held ‘bring‐your‐own‐phone’ call accountable for a decision to centre, a Howard League‐ ignore the health and safety approved prison and the regulations, so I am in no posi‐ world’s most poorly tion to criticise this motive for stocked IKEA. the move. But it is a great shame: just another conse‐ Yes, following on from my quence of a risk‐conscious one way system rant, I’ve society held hostage by health decided to make moaning and safety regulations. about any and every change to the sixth form a But some good news! It ap‐ habit. Call me stingy, but pears that the two‐week trial spending god knows how of freer use at lunch and break much installing meticu‐ times was successful enough lously arranged tables, to continue. complete with two plug sockets, just isn’t worth it. The old common room’s use at Any resemblance to actual places and situations lunchtime encouraged people At the end of last year a to mix more freely between number of reasons were is entirely coincidental friendship groups. However, given to justify the changes. many have already scattered. I thought I would address them all so I The results speak for themselves. 46% of The straight‐backed chairs and narrow can pretend this is a logical opinion piece students with at least three As doesn’t aisles don’t exactly make for laid back rather than just an outpouring of rage on exactly scream ‘we need a private study conversation. It’s a design feature. a page. area’ . Regardless of whether we should I am yet to hear a sixth former praise the be working, those who don’t want to conversion of the common room. Firstly, it was suggested that we needed a won’t work just because you put a table suitably quiet place to study. Funnily and a couple of plugs in front of them. Teachers aren’t meant to be populists; enough, the North Study functioned as but I still find it a great shame. I hope an this just fine last year. It was never too Elements of the sixth form disrespecting alternative can be found for use in the full ‐ surely showing lukewarm demand. It the old common room is one of the bet‐ ‘recognised non‐working parts of the was quiet: quieter than the new study ter arguments that some change was school day’. area, where the hourly senior manage‐ needed. There was disrespect shown to ment visits pierce the easy‐to‐ignore gen‐ the cleaners, broken ceiling tiles and Author’s note: Having negotiated this article’s publica‐ eral mutter. The only problem was when some interesting spectator sport varia‐ tion, I must credit the school’s willingness it was locked or busy during exam time. tions on chess. But that isn’t reason to allow its appearance. I want to make it Surely a far cheaper option would have enough to chuck wads of 50s at it in the clear that my polemic isn’t an attack on been to use the rooms left empty due to middle of a double dip. The logical con‐ any member of the sixth form team, all of exams as private study areas when neces‐ clusion to litter isn’t ‘they need tables and whom I have the utmost respect for and sary. plugs’. gratitude to. It is merely a criticism of the decision to take away the common room. Then there’s the softly spoken, ‘actually I What necessitated the move, however, think you’re having a bit too much fun in was not just the desire to get us to work that common room of yours; perhaps we harder, work quieter and work on lap‐ need a room where you have to work’, tops. It was an insurance issue. The North which is quite funny, because this is Wil‐ Study wasn’t supervised. If someone son’s and half the conversations were broke their leg in a freak private study about the relative merits of Descartes accident, the school would be at their and Locke anyway. lawyer’s mercy. By Louis Woodhead 2 Sixth Form Mercury, September 2012 Dear all, Article Page UCAS, Oxbridge, statements, references, modules … these words are becom‐ ing the background music of our existence as the new year begins. Tables and plugs 1 While you’re sitting, silently, in the Study Area, this issue of Mercury fea‐ A message from the editors 2 tures a controversial take on the new Study Centre, along with Essex, hu‐ Essex causes haemorrhages 2 mour, cynicism and a bit of sport to add some colour. It’s something enjoy‐ able that you can pass off as being productive. The slow death of modern comedy 3 Enjoy! Art corner 4 The logic of Lorenzo 4 Nikhil Vyas and Kane Walpole Essex causes haemorrhages By Ben James I fell foul of misfortune recently. I thought, I scroll down, for I am on the ITV Player That’s not even close to the worst part. as all the learned and scholarly do, that I online, searching for an answer, and find should solidify my knowledge of a popular the following evidence that they blatantly Whilst I whittle away what little lucidity I television show, and that by doing so I don’t. Honestly, the following is a quote. I still possess, I am all too worried about the would be giving breadth to my otherwise have not even edited it to make it seem effects on Britain. Each week, several mil‐ lacking worldly experience. even more incredulous. I think it deserves lion viewers tune in to expose themselves its own paragraph for impact. Brace your‐ to these degrading TV programmes. And That was the first mistake. Little did I real‐ selves: each week they slowly get sucked into this ise that The Only Way is Essex, also known cult of pure juvenile delinquency. as the crude and ire‐engendering ‘TOWIE’, Tom's quite dishy really isn't he? He can would be about to culturally smash my cook, mainly because he was in uni for Let me be clear, my interests are purely head against the wall. And then tuck in to three years. Oooh educated too, check out academic: whilst bothersome, the make‐up the entrails. this video of him and Joey in pants, bo‐ doesn’t jar me so much as the lack of edu‐ nanza! cation. I care not an ounce if your face is I refer, of course, to the riff‐raff of impec‐ covered in bright orange fake tan. Nor do I cable imbeciles the show so proudly dem‐ It beggars belief. care if you wear too‐tight brown chinos onstrates. awkwardly cut off midway at your ankles, In an attempt to calm my now furious neu‐ or if you pull impish duck faces in Facebook Now, having mugs in a show would be no rons and restricted blood supply before profile photos, or if you decide that you shoddy thing ‐ if it were to deglamourise having ten strokes, a copious number of should wear enough mascara to make a senselessness. Blackadder, for example, haemorrhages and several more heart fireplace’s soot residue seem paltry. cleverly enlists the help of Baldrick to do attacks, I turn instead to Channel 4 in just that: provide a chump for us to all‐too‐ search of solace. But confuse ‘your’ and ‘you’re’ one more conveniently jab at. Amongst other onuses, time, and execution it is. like providing us with the infamous song Well, it was a good idea in principle. educating the masses about guns and mor‐ Society has no place for morons. If I were tar (yes, you know, the one with the sole Within seconds of turning to the on‐ the Prime Minister, I would make it a cardi‐ lyric of ‘boom’), Baldrick epitomises why demand player, to find something rela‐ nal sin, punishable by death, to be in collu‐ we should at least attempt to feign intelli‐ tively sane to pacify myself with, I spotted sion with the ‘Essex’ culture. It’s started gence, even if we possess nout. a small box with an image of five good‐ grating on my being, and we must reverse looking actors grinning cheesily at the cam‐ it now, lest we all end up walking around But whilst Blackadder advocates wit and era. This would be, naturally, the 4oD alter‐ like zombies. clarity, The Only Way is Essex supports native to our beloved Essex show – Made overt folly and downright inanity. Evi‐ in Chelsea. Let’s start a revolution. Say ‘no’ to Essex, dently, inducting my eyes and ears to such ‘yes’ to sense. I’ve just thought of a reason a nightmare was a gaffe. Give some 20‐something‐year‐olds some of that demonstrates why we should all pol‐ Daddy’s twenty brimming hedge funds, let lute as much as we can. The faster we pol‐ Astuteness is arguably the most important them prance around flashing their wallets, lute, the more likely the place is to be trait we can have. And seeing the hopes and you have created this show. flooded when the icecaps melt. Huzzah! and dreams of a wise and sharp world fall face‐flat on the floor, I can’t help being Brilliant. It’s difficult to imagine creating irate.

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