Sixth Form Mercury Wilson’s School’s newest student‐run publication Volume 2, Issue 10, September 2012
‘Tables and Plugs’: Welcome to the Future
It has been compared to a I wouldn’t want to be held ‘bring‐your‐own‐phone’ call accountable for a decision to centre, a Howard League‐ ignore the health and safety approved prison and the regulations, so I am in no posi‐ world’s most poorly tion to criticise this motive for stocked IKEA. the move. But it is a great shame: just another conse‐ Yes, following on from my quence of a risk‐conscious one way system rant, I’ve society held hostage by health decided to make moaning and safety regulations. about any and every change to the sixth form a But some good news! It ap‐ habit. Call me stingy, but pears that the two‐week trial spending god knows how of freer use at lunch and break much installing meticu‐ times was successful enough lously arranged tables, to continue. complete with two plug sockets, just isn’t worth it. The old common room’s use at Any resemblance to actual places and situations lunchtime encouraged people At the end of last year a to mix more freely between number of reasons were is entirely coincidental friendship groups. However, given to justify the changes. many have already scattered. I thought I would address them all so I The results speak for themselves. 46% of The straight‐backed chairs and narrow can pretend this is a logical opinion piece students with at least three As doesn’t aisles don’t exactly make for laid back rather than just an outpouring of rage on exactly scream ‘we need a private study conversation. It’s a design feature. a page. area’ . Regardless of whether we should I am yet to hear a sixth former praise the be working, those who don’t want to conversion of the common room. Firstly, it was suggested that we needed a won’t work just because you put a table suitably quiet place to study. Funnily and a couple of plugs in front of them. Teachers aren’t meant to be populists; enough, the North Study functioned as but I still find it a great shame. I hope an this just fine last year. It was never too Elements of the sixth form disrespecting alternative can be found for use in the full ‐ surely showing lukewarm demand. It the old common room is one of the bet‐ ‘recognised non‐working parts of the was quiet: quieter than the new study ter arguments that some change was school day’. area, where the hourly senior manage‐ needed. There was disrespect shown to ment visits pierce the easy‐to‐ignore gen‐ the cleaners, broken ceiling tiles and Author’s note: Having negotiated this article’s publica‐ eral mutter. The only problem was when some interesting spectator sport varia‐ tion, I must credit the school’s willingness it was locked or busy during exam time. tions on chess. But that isn’t reason to allow its appearance. I want to make it Surely a far cheaper option would have enough to chuck wads of 50s at it in the clear that my polemic isn’t an attack on been to use the rooms left empty due to middle of a double dip. The logical con‐ any member of the sixth form team, all of exams as private study areas when neces‐ clusion to litter isn’t ‘they need tables and whom I have the utmost respect for and sary. plugs’. gratitude to. It is merely a criticism of the decision to take away the common room. Then there’s the softly spoken, ‘actually I What necessitated the move, however, think you’re having a bit too much fun in was not just the desire to get us to work that common room of yours; perhaps we harder, work quieter and work on lap‐ need a room where you have to work’, tops. It was an insurance issue. The North which is quite funny, because this is Wil‐ Study wasn’t supervised. If someone son’s and half the conversations were broke their leg in a freak private study about the relative merits of Descartes accident, the school would be at their and Locke anyway. lawyer’s mercy. By Louis Woodhead 2 Sixth Form Mercury, September 2012
Dear all, Article Page UCAS, Oxbridge, statements, references, modules … these words are becom‐ ing the background music of our existence as the new year begins. Tables and plugs 1
While you’re sitting, silently, in the Study Area, this issue of Mercury fea‐ A message from the editors 2 tures a controversial take on the new Study Centre, along with Essex, hu‐ Essex causes haemorrhages 2 mour, cynicism and a bit of sport to add some colour. It’s something enjoy‐ able that you can pass off as being productive. The slow death of modern comedy 3
Enjoy! Art corner 4
The logic of Lorenzo 4 Nikhil Vyas and Kane Walpole
Essex causes haemorrhages By Ben James
I fell foul of misfortune recently. I thought, I scroll down, for I am on the ITV Player That’s not even close to the worst part. as all the learned and scholarly do, that I online, searching for an answer, and find should solidify my knowledge of a popular the following evidence that they blatantly Whilst I whittle away what little lucidity I television show, and that by doing so I don’t. Honestly, the following is a quote. I still possess, I am all too worried about the would be giving breadth to my otherwise have not even edited it to make it seem effects on Britain. Each week, several mil‐ lacking worldly experience. even more incredulous. I think it deserves lion viewers tune in to expose themselves its own paragraph for impact. Brace your‐ to these degrading TV programmes. And That was the first mistake. Little did I real‐ selves: each week they slowly get sucked into this ise that The Only Way is Essex, also known cult of pure juvenile delinquency. as the crude and ire‐engendering ‘TOWIE’, Tom's quite dishy really isn't he? He can would be about to culturally smash my cook, mainly because he was in uni for Let me be clear, my interests are purely head against the wall. And then tuck in to three years. Oooh educated too, check out academic: whilst bothersome, the make‐up the entrails. this video of him and Joey in pants, bo‐ doesn’t jar me so much as the lack of edu‐ nanza! cation. I care not an ounce if your face is I refer, of course, to the riff‐raff of impec‐ covered in bright orange fake tan. Nor do I cable imbeciles the show so proudly dem‐ It beggars belief. care if you wear too‐tight brown chinos onstrates. awkwardly cut off midway at your ankles, In an attempt to calm my now furious neu‐ or if you pull impish duck faces in Facebook Now, having mugs in a show would be no rons and restricted blood supply before profile photos, or if you decide that you shoddy thing ‐ if it were to deglamourise having ten strokes, a copious number of should wear enough mascara to make a senselessness. Blackadder, for example, haemorrhages and several more heart fireplace’s soot residue seem paltry. cleverly enlists the help of Baldrick to do attacks, I turn instead to Channel 4 in just that: provide a chump for us to all‐too‐ search of solace. But confuse ‘your’ and ‘you’re’ one more conveniently jab at. Amongst other onuses, time, and execution it is. like providing us with the infamous song Well, it was a good idea in principle. educating the masses about guns and mor‐ Society has no place for morons. If I were tar (yes, you know, the one with the sole Within seconds of turning to the on‐ the Prime Minister, I would make it a cardi‐ lyric of ‘boom’), Baldrick epitomises why demand player, to find something rela‐ nal sin, punishable by death, to be in collu‐ we should at least attempt to feign intelli‐ tively sane to pacify myself with, I spotted sion with the ‘Essex’ culture. It’s started gence, even if we possess nout. a small box with an image of five good‐ grating on my being, and we must reverse looking actors grinning cheesily at the cam‐ it now, lest we all end up walking around But whilst Blackadder advocates wit and era. This would be, naturally, the 4oD alter‐ like zombies. clarity, The Only Way is Essex supports native to our beloved Essex show – Made overt folly and downright inanity. Evi‐ in Chelsea. Let’s start a revolution. Say ‘no’ to Essex, dently, inducting my eyes and ears to such ‘yes’ to sense. I’ve just thought of a reason a nightmare was a gaffe. Give some 20‐something‐year‐olds some of that demonstrates why we should all pol‐ Daddy’s twenty brimming hedge funds, let lute as much as we can. The faster we pol‐ Astuteness is arguably the most important them prance around flashing their wallets, lute, the more likely the place is to be trait we can have. And seeing the hopes and you have created this show. flooded when the icecaps melt. Huzzah! and dreams of a wise and sharp world fall face‐flat on the floor, I can’t help being Brilliant. It’s difficult to imagine creating irate. Slamming fist on desk, I start to won‐ something more irresponsible than spray‐ der if ITV realises the pain it causes to soci‐ painting armadillos neon‐green, but Chan‐ ety. nel 4 has managed it. And you know what? 3 Sixth Form Mercury, September 2012
The slow death of modern comedy By Nikhil Vyas You know the culprits as been able to stand it. The well as I do. They’re the excessive usage of cut‐ ones in Hammersmith away gags stops being Apollo, on the endless TV funny after the first epi‐ panel shows, and in wave sode, while the faux‐ after wave of dry, drab sentiment it tries to sitcoms. achieve falls flat on its face. The show simultane‐ Oh yes, ladies and gentle‐ ously tries ‐ but fails ‐ to men, welcome to the fu‐ achieve the emotion of ture of comedy. The Simpsons and the satire of South Park. Stephen King once said about the superiority of Elsewhere, endless panel comedy over tragedy: shows flood our screens ‐ ‘Any fool with a working a plague of weak humour. set of lungs and steady hands can build a house of Michael McIntyre: genius wit or style over substance? The best of these (Have I cards and knock it down, Got News for You, Mock but it takes a genius to make people laugh.’ But something must have gone wrong the Week) are supported by a strong along the way, because now we’ve got enough cast of comics to create genuine This is essentially true ‐ any writer will tell Russell Howard feebly prodding the Estab‐ depth, whereas the worst (Celebrity Juice) you that it is a lot harder to create a comic lishment, or Lee Evans pathetically at‐ suffer from the worst possible symptom of scenario than a tragic one. Comedy re‐ tempting to spin out a set of wisecracks any show ‐ they try too hard. quires wit, on‐the‐spot imagination, the about coming home drunk. ability to listen to others (harder than you The fundamental problem with TV comedy think) and timing. And there’s no denying Not that they’re not funny ‐ they’re cer‐ is that there’s too much of it ‐ too many that modern screenplay writers or comedi‐ tainly capable of the odd wheeze. But they pointless sitcoms, 90% of which are ans aren’t capable of this. There are plenty don’t have any depth to them. doomed to fail without anyone blinking an out there who can pack a couple of gags eye. into their routine or script, just as there They all contribute to what A.A. Gill calls has always been. the ‘armchair revolution’ ‐ by providing flat Here’s why shows like The Inbetweeners gags about Cameron and the Coalition for are so popular: they pay attention to the However, the best comedians, the ones the middle classes to chuckle at, who can scriptwriting, crafting situations which are that you remember, are the ones who in turn feel as though they’ve had their painfully hilarious, as well as being relat‐ leave an impression on you. More impor‐ share of challenging the system, or stand‐ able. tantly, they leave you with a message. This ing up to authority, without any of the could be a brutal political or philosophical messiness of genuine protest. In short, modern comedy is like a pack statement that strikes at the heart of man, mule, collapsing under the pressure of too or, through humour, helps you to under‐ There’s no substance anymore. much dead and unnecessary weight. stand your own flaws as a human. It’s not that making jokes about ordinary It’s the basic scenarios that are the most For the former, you could look towards life is a bad thing. Al Murray and Harry Hill beloved ‐ for example a group of friends in legendary American comedians Bill Hicks do it well ‐ but that’s because they focus New York City ‐ and the sooner writers and George Carlin. Hicks’s rants about themselves on the issue, rather than trying remember this, the better. drugs and consumerism, and Carlin’s mus‐ to mix as many elements as possible into ings on race and politics, are still often their routines. Furthermore, they’ve At the same time, great comedy pushes quoted today because they are so acerbic ‐ crafted a stage persona that is synonymous boundaries, and isn’t constrained by mo‐ splitting the sides of the audience while with those individuals ‐the Pub Landlord, rality or expectation (which is why internet simultaneously forcing them into a position and the bumbling bald guy ‐ who have memes are frequently more amusing than where they agreed with what the come‐ both managed to win our hearts and Jo Brand ever will be). Aside from this, a bit dian was saying. minds. of genuine feeling and thought wouldn’t go amiss. British comics took put a more subtle twist Lee Evan’s sweaty, shuffling character is far on this, with Dylan Moran and Peter Cook, too irritating and dead for me to get any for example, parodying the trappings of personal connection with ‐ which, for any British society in a painfully amusing way. comedian, is hugely important. Not even concerning themselves with high politics, just the day to day passage of life. The problem extends to the world of TV. I’ll Those were the days when comedians start with another of my pet hates ‐ Family were great beacons of society. Guy. While I know most of the known world adores that infernal show, I’ve never 4 Sixth Form Mercury, September 2012
The Art Corner By Manu Pillai
Like any budding Picasso, our resident artist Manu has de‐ cided to branch out in his style, freeing himself from the shack‐ les of enforced caricaturing.
Therefore, this issue’s art piece isn’t so much a Guess Who? as an appreciation of the talents of a future Turner Prize winner.
The logic of Lorenzo By Lorenzo Wong Our sports correspondent judges the success of the latest England manager...
On the southern tip of Sweden lies the city of manager ‐ a great one even. He has punched If we judged Brian Clough by his days at Leeds Malmö, an access point to neighbouring Den‐ above his weight in a number of countries United, he wouldn’t be considered one of the mark and home to around 300,000 people. and with clubs of varying size and ability. greatest managers ever. Perhaps ex‐Spurs The city is home to Malmö FF, a football team boss Harry Redknapp would have been the who play at the Swedbank Stadion in front of In the 1990s, he took Switzerland to third in better option, but to downgrade Hodgson for 24,000 supporters. On matchday, there is the world and guided them to their first par‐ not being the overwhelming favourite seems nothing in the stadium that catches the eye ticipation in a major tournament since the a little over the top. apart from a small pocket of supporters who 1960s. He has won silverware with take a banner to all of the home games and Hamlstads, Malmö and FC Copenhagen, and For the first time since the start of the 2010 hang it in the same place each time. The ban‐ guided Inter Milan to a UEFA Cup Final. He World Cup, I feel we can be satisfied with the ner reads “Roy’s Hörna”, or “Roy’s Corner”. has also had successes in England, guiding direction in which the England team are go‐ Fulham to their first European final in their ing. The football was a bit dull at Euro 2012, It is their sign of appreciation for Roy Hodg‐ history and consolidating West Brom’s place but we came through unbeaten, showing the son, the man who led their club to five suc‐ in the Premier League. resilience and organisation at the back which cessive league championships between 1985 went missing under Capello. And given that and 1989. I’ve only given a few examples of Hodgson’s Hodgson will now have more time to select best work from his 36‐year career as a man‐ and work with his squads, the quality in the Now Hodgson has been pushed into his own ager. Yet, despite this vast experience, it final third should improve. little corner by the media scrutiny surround‐ seems that Roy is often judged by one thing ing his appointment as England manager. Roy only: his failures at Liverpool Football Club. Roy has also spoken of a “revolution” which with his back against the wall, whilst the na‐ will take place in the coming months, so ex‐ tion screams “where’s ‘Arry?!” Admittedly, Hodgson did a poor job at An‐ pect exciting young players to burst onto the field. He left having guided Liverpool to scene. With most England fans questioning the twelfth, with humiliating home defeats to whereabouts of Redknapp, our national team Wolves, Blackpool and Northampton Town Let’s not obsess ourselves with his ill‐fated went into the Euros not expecting to get out on the way. However, in hindsight, we can spell at Liverpool. Instead, look at the reasons of our group. Except we did. Finished top too. establish that Roy’s reign wasn’t a complete why FA chairman David Bernstein appointed Unbelievably, the Three Lions had exceeded and utter disaster, since Liverpool are still Hodgson in the first place. After all, there’s a our expectations for the first time since 1966. terrible. reason why that pocket of Malmö supporters have maintained Roy’s Hörna for 23 years. But why? But it’s just not fair to judge a manager’s capability according to one job that went The answer is that Roy Hodgson is a good sour.