PENN STATE’S ONLY EDITED NEWSPAPER The Phroth

phroth.com Published satirically by students at Penn State @phroth Vol.Phollegian 122 No. 132 Friday, October 27, 2012 free of charge everywhere PSU Text Alert mistakes lonely package for suspicious By spencer frank a mass text was sent out about “But, instead, I received a “It’s about the tenth time in goes to the football stadium to Staff Writer | @spencefrank a “suspicious” package, but frightening message from that the past year that we have been try to make friends. However, State College Police ultimately text alert thing warning me to summoned to investigate a anytime it gets close to anyone, Students and faculty subscribed deemed it lonely. PSU Text Alert stay away from North Nittany suspicious package,” explained it’s mistaken for an explosive. to the PSU Text Alert service were ignored its unnecessary whistle Parking Deck or whatever. The Detective Dan Wiley. “Turns Penn State Course Watch once again misinformed about a blowing and deemed the area so-called “bomb” was just a out, it is the same lonely package List has also been under fire package left in a random parking “safe” with another useless mass package left behind and that girl every time. It’s actually really for sending out mass texts to deck somewhere on campus. text message. never texted me back. I’m never sad.” students saying that there are The free service offered by Penn “I was waiting for a text from going to get laid.” Sources tell us that the lonely seats available in high demand State warns about potentially this girl that I just met over the State College Police weighed package was abandoned by a classes. But, when the students dangerous situations, but almost weekend,” explained Mark in on the matter at a recent press UPS driver years ago. It wanders log onto eLion, the classes are always cries wolf. Recently, Johnson (Junior, Marketing). conference. parking decks and occasionally actually full like some cruel trick. Texting while texting accident claims life of PSU student Student by owen hitchcock a lighter note, bus enthusiasts Staff writer | @Owenhitchcock will be thrilled to learn the bus involved in the accident unaware A local freshman has become remained unharmed. the latest casualty in the Texting while texting accidents nationwide wave of texting are becoming more and more of breast while texting accidents, Penn common, with 241 documented State campus police confirmed deaths so far this year, up 78% Friday. The incident occurred from this time last year. Experts cancer Thursday while Jessica Ross suggest this may be due to (freshman-wumbology) was more people owning multiple By andrew oreskovich walking back to her dorm. cell phones. As forensic staff writer | @AndyO_riginal “At approximately 3:34 PM investigators examined Jessica’s on Thursday, the victim was mutilated body, they recovered Despite month-long efforts to walking along Pollock Road, the remains of four iPhones. raise awareness, student Frank Fina apparently composing a text Police chief Parham believes the (senior - French and Francophone message on her iPhone,” reported victim may have been working Studies) remains completely police chief Tyrone Parham. on four different text messages unaware of breast cancer. “She then got out her second at once earlier on her walk. While many can admit to not iPhone and began composing a “It’s really a tragedy to see knowing the molecular specifics different text message. Because such talented young adults lose of the unfortunate disease, the victim was writing two text their lives over these types of Fina literally has no concept or messages at the same time, she Photo by Erik Schneider accidents. This never should knowledge of the existance of the failed to notice the streetlight Jessica Ross, moments before her untimely death. have happened,” lamented subject. When questioned about pole in front of her and walked Parham. “How fucking hard is the issue Fina stared blankly back, directly into it.” street, where she was hit by a Jessica was killed instantly, and it to realize you shouldn’t text as if uncertain whether we were Witnesses say after the victim bus and violently thrown into the entire Penn State community while you’re walking—I mean even talking to him. ran into the pole, she lost her the air, landing approximately will be mourning the loss of such texting?” This revelation comes as a shock balance and stumbled into the thirteen feet from the impact. a young and bright student. On to absolutely every human over 10 years old: “Seriously, it’s 2012. How does this happen?” inquires Alex Dufford (senior - Business “Chartreuse Out” against child abuse a failure Ethics), despite the fact that he By peter hohman himself only became aware of phollegian editor | @Hohmansapien breast cancer after seeing NFL players wearing pink shoes last Penn State’s planned “Chartreuse week Out” on Saturday led to the lowest Others have embraced Fina’s home game attendance at Beaver ignorance. Among them is breast Stadium in thirteen years, according cancer survivor Virginia Gehmen to Penn State administration. The (senior - citizen), born in a time event, which was designed to raise when people named their children awareness for child abuse, drew a after states for some reason. crowd of only 68,000. “Frankly, I never saw the point of “I was going to go to the game, Breast Cancer Awareness Month but then I realized I didn’t have until now,” Gehmen remarked last any chartreuse clothing. Actually, week. “I just thought everyone I realized I didn’t even know what Photo by Nick Miller kind of knew, but it appears there’s chartreuse was. Is it a color?” said The few students who managed to figure out what color chartreuse was before the game. still much more work to be done.” freshman Alison Hanlin. “Or is it Organizations nationwide a texture, like corduroy?” similar to brown, and others even was the only one of my friends who campus is a safe place for children. have collected over $3,000,000 “Yeah, I’m not really sure what positing that it referred to a type knew what color it was.” Any failure of the ‘Chartreuse dedicated solely to targeting chartreuse is... I want to say it’s a of headdress. Even among those The failure of the “Chartreuse Out’ was due to a simple lack Fina and making him aware of shade of orange? I decided ‘better who attended the game, only a few Out” has led outsiders to suspect of knowledge of colors beyond breast cancer. Various tactics are safe than sorry’ and I just decided actually knew what chartreuse was. that the University is not properly the ROYGBIV spectrum,” said under consideration, including not to go,” said sophomore Andrew “I’m pretty sure that there was a committed to protecting children, Erickson. “And to help prevent but not limited to Phollegian Weinstein. green-yellow puppy on Blue’s Clues but Rodney Erickson refuted that anything like this ever again, I’m articles, planting cancer cells Other students gave similar reasons named Chartreuse,” said freshman claim in a press conference early happy to announce that our next in the breasts of Fina’s mother, for not going to the game, with some Ryan Danton. “And yeah, that Sunday morning. home game will be a ‘Puce Out’ and having someone repeatedly guessing that chartreuse is a shade character was introduced when I was “Penn State could not be more to help support elementary art skywrite “BREAST CANCER IS of red, some believing it was a hue like fourteen, but don’t judge me. I dedicated to making sure that our education.” A THING” until he picks up on it. Nonpartisan fact-check ’s bones to be reveals Obama is a lizard displayed next to Old Coaly’s by Peter hohman after a while,” said sophomore by blaise thomas conditions that would not be phollegian editor | @Hohmansapien Kevin Jobs. “I mean, it can’t be managing editor | @blaiseofthomas covered under Romney’s proposed creepier than that statue made out health care plans, despite repeated Approximately one year after of plumbing sealant in Art Alley, With only days to go before claims to the contrary. firing late football coach Joe at least. As long as the keep his the general election, nonpartisan Additionally, the President’s Paterno, the Penn State Board of glasses on his skeleton, it will website Factcheck.org has released repeated assertions that Governor Trustees has announced a plan to even look cool.” the latest in its series of Presidential Romney’s five trillion dollar tax display his remains in the HUB “I think this is a terrible idea,” Debate fact checks. While many plan would be paid for by the by former mascot Old Coaly’s said alumnus Elizabeth Kahn. of the points are repeated from middle class is not entirely true as skeleton. “If anything, they should put the prior debates, this third fact-check independent studies have shown “After Coach Paterno passed, statue back up in the HUB. Or just more completely exposes Mitt that it can be possible under there was a lot of confusion over reinstate the name ‘Joegies.’ I’m Romney’s clever interpretation certain circumstances for Romney the best way to recognize his canceling my alumni association of unemployment numbers, and Photo by Nick Miller to avoid raising taxes. The same legacy. Ultimately, we felt that it membership if I have to walk past corrects the commonly held notion The 1st lizard president, study went on to exonerate Obama was too tainted by scandal to leave a human corpse every time I come that President Barack Obama is not according to Factcheck.org. slightly, explaining that lizards his statue erected, but we think that back to campus.” a humanoid reptile. Most notably, when asked about commonly have natural difficulty putting his corpse in a public space The news of the display is According to the comprehensive his foreign policy, Obama explained understanding economic strategy. is an appropriate way to honor his drawing outrage from PETA, report, Governor Romney had that “drones are a necessary evil to Despite the large number of contributions to the University,” who were previously unaware been quoted as saying “over 40% protect everyday folks at home like factual inconsistencies brought to said Board of Trustees President that Penn State students had of recent college graduates are you and me.” The report concedes light in each candidate’s platform, Karen Peetz. “The only other used a mule to haul coal until unemployed.” However, this is that this statement is essentially voters remain largely unchanging in time this honor has been conferred it died of exhaustion, dressed actually a gross overestimation true, but to be exact the President their support. Recent polls show that was when we put the bones of our it in embarrassing clothes, and which takes into account graduates is not like everyday folks in that he 48% of undecided voters continue original mascot, Old Coaly, in a then put its bones on display in who are underemployed, or working is a lizard. to respond in favor of President display case. That wasn’t weird various campus buildings. Sue jobs unrelated to their area of study. The report goes on to explain that Obama, 47.5% still responded in at all, either.” Paterno, who paid money to Unsurprisingly, the Obama in actuality, President Obama’s favor of Governor Romney, and So far, reactions from students have her husband interred in a campaign has been caught telling scaly epidermis and cold-blooded 100% of Scientologists responded and alumni have been mixed. nice cemetery, is also reportedly their share of half-truths as well. metabolism qualify as pre-existing ‘I Told You So.’ “I probably won’t even notice concerned over the Board’s plans. DISCLAIMER We got you! You’re not really reading The . But you already knew that. We hope. It’s also common knowledge that Collegian is ©2012 by Collegian, Inc. and that Phroth implies no contest to ownership Puffs tissues not Coma patient wakes Big Bang Theory of the above copyright. used for sore noses 4 to discuss Inception 5 wins debate 6 2 | Friday, Oct. 26, 2012 LOCAL The Phroth Phollegian

NEWS IN BRIEF a ski mask for some reason. “All according to plan.” BRICK BY BRICK Proposed prune Police have no leads juice ban deemed on Sunday’s Bigler unconstitutional Hall massacre

by Peter hohman by Andrew Oreskovich

The Supreme Court struck down Police remain baffled over the fact a piece of legislation yesterday that not a single person has come that would have blocked the forward with details regarding the sale of prune juice in the United violent murder of 37 freshmen that States. The proposed law, CUL occurred at approximately 9:30PM Article Deuce, was declared Sunday on the 2nd floor of Bigler unconstitutional by the Court in an Hall. “I don’t remember anything 8-1 decision. out of the ordinary happening that “CUL basically took a dump on night,” recalls Bigler RA Alec the foundation of our country,” Myers (junior – Classics and Ancient wrote chief justice John Roberts in Mediterranean Studies). “Except that the majority opinion. “It’s a load new episode of The Walking Dead. off my mind now that we have Did you see that!? Crazy, man.” killed this legislation. It’s a good “We’ve never seen anything like thing it did not pass.” this,” explains Officer Sabrina The Diner announced yesterday that they would be funding a new residence hall on campus Alone in the minority was justice Kristobak. “Please, if you have made entirely out of their famous Grilled Stickies. Clarence Thomas, who would not any details regarding this heinous issue public comment. Supreme crime, contact University Police Court logs, however, record that immediately.” Thomas grew flushed during the Mark Zuckerberg it clear that no such event ever UPCOMING hearing of the case and ran out Producers find out it caught watching took place and that Zuckerberg of the room during voting, saying was actually Colin’s is a totally normal dude, socially that he “needed to drop [his] kids ‘Social Network’ adept dude. EVENTS off at the pool” and likely would line the whole time alone in the dark Bad Comedian have sided with the majority had Cartoonist found dead, he been present. by Erik schneider November 7th by Patrick Feehan details are sketchy HUB Auditorium RA will let it slide, NEW YORK CITY - Producers PALO ALTO, Calif. – Facebook by Michael Boulter just this once of the beloved improv television creator and chief executive Mark There is a rubber chicken in this show, “Whose Line is it Zuckerberg was discovered At 9pm last night, famed guy’s headshot, so he must be by Andrew Oreskovich Anyway?” have discovered that watching ‘The Social Network’ cartoonist Jack Niles was found funny, right? Besides, what else Colin Mochrie was the only cast alone in the dark last Thursday dead in his apartment. As of are we going to do on a Wednesday Sighs of relief echoed across member actually supposed to talk evening by a programmer who now, details regarding the case night. the 2nd floor of Bigler Hall on during the show. Scripts revealed works for the website. “I thought remain sketchy. Sunday night when RA Alec late last week revealed no planned the room was empty at first but According to sources, the That Kid You Like From Your Myers (junior – Classics and sketches that included any cast then Mr. Zuckerberg jumped county police are currently doing Gen. Ed. Finally Talks To You Ancient Mediterranean Studies) member but Colin Mochrie. As a up and wiped his eyes and tried their best to map out a distinct November 11th announced that he will be letting result, ABC family is facing class to talk to me,” said Edward picture of the night’s events, it slide, just this once. “I didn’t see action lawsuit for false advertising. Carrhall, the programmer who but they say the case remains All he/she said was “Hi.” But still anything, just don’t let it happen The producer that discovered this walked in on Zuckerberg. “He incomplete. As of now, they that has to mean something, or else again,” Myers told his panicking horrible error noted that, “At least just said he was checking it out have a good outline of what they he/she wouldn’t say it. Ask them residents in a hurry, obviously it wasn’t supposed to be Drew’s and that dust got in his eyes. It believe may have occurred, but out on a date in 3 to 6 months. with better things to do at 9:30PM line the whole time.” Colin was was really weird. He also asked some key details need fleshing on a Sunday. unavailable for comment, but his that I not mention it to anybody.” out. Something About THON “He should be watching The colleague, Wayne Brady, made up Zuckerberg was unavailable for Sources added that the police November 12th Walking Dead right now,” an irrelevant song in response to comment but a statement from his are currently drawing a blank on hypothesized a gentleman wearing the scandal. public relations department made a possible motive for the crime. Alright, it’s definitely a THON thing because of all the bandanas. Is it a fundraiser? Or maybe just an Global warming affecting Out-of-control wave awareness thing? winter disappearance wreaks havoc at CORRECTIONS In our previous issue, we wrote of hot girls an article about support for THON PSU football game increasing cancer’s resolve. We by spencer frank shows at Penn State for some time realize that this joke is in poor staff writer | @spencefrank now and explains that there’s much 25 injured, 3 still missing taste and apologize if anyone was more to learn before we make such offended. It’s that time of year when hot assumptions. coeds put away their short shorts and “These young women are such by ben pollack People were flying over the railings, In the correction above, we prepare for the upcoming winter. mysterious creatures,” stated staff writer | @pollhartbh accidentally smacking each other apologized for an article published Every year, the “perfect tens” go Johnson. “No one ever sees them in the head. One guy next to me in our previous issue. This is an into a deep winter hibernation in in groups and we have yet to find Tragedy has hit Penn State had a fucking heart attack.” incorrect statement, as we are not fall and unexpectedly return hotter exactly where they go in the winter University again as an out-of- “It just lost control, man,” said sorry about anything and don’t than ever in the spring. Scientists time. But, man, on that first spring control wave at the most recent Harry “Hairy” Funk (sophomore give a shit if you were offended. explain that during this “beauty day, it is well worth the wait.” Nittany Lions football game caused – Stoner). “It was just absolutely sleep,” attractiveness is restored Male students are weighing in on injury to twenty-five people, while wild. No one seems to know how it In our September 5th edition, right before the summer months. the findings. three people are still missing. happened, but it was ugly.” we stated that it was Mr. Green in But, studies now show that this “I always thought that the really Authorities are questioning what “I fell over the edge of the railings the study with the wrench when in natural hibernation is being hot girls disappeared under North exactly happened to cause this after the wave hit our section,” fact we stopped playing after 20 affected by global warming. Face Jackets during the winter incident to happen. said Sam Campbell (freshman – minutes. “This is good and bad news,” season,” clarified Senior Eric “We’re not quite sure what Undeclared). “I hit my head on the explained Dr. Brian Mud. “Because Geffen. “Now I like to imagine happened,” said Officer Harold ground and got knocked out. When of shorter winters, the gorgeous all of them cuddling together in a Parrish of the State College police. I woke up, the EMTs were pulling WEATHER women will be around for longer cave somewhere. Excuse me for a “We know for a fact that the wave injured people from the stands.” periods of time. I mean, that second.” originated in the student section of This is the most recent tragedy Morning: Sunrise is great news. But, without the All the beautiful girls were unable the stadium, but after that…we just to strike Penn State after the likely, dewpoint = yes. proper amount of sleep, I’m afraid to comment on the findings because don’t know.” NCAA football sanctions, former that they might devolve to nines or I was too intimidated to approach “It was horrible,” said Julia Hart Head Coach Joe Paterno’s death, even eights.” any of them in person. But, if you (junior – Journalism). “The wave and the scandal. Not everyone is panicking read this, blonde from my Econ. started out normal, but after the A candlelight vigil will be held Afternoon: Brighter though. Anthropologist Buster class, follow me on Twitter and I’ll S-Zone decided to make it go in honor of the injured and the with more tempera- Johnson has been studying smoke- keep you warm this winter. faster, things just got out of control. missing. ture.

The Phroth “Everybody loves me” reports local asshole Night: Less bright, Phollegian 50% chance of bats. Phroth, Penn State’s Humor Magazine by pat feehan no one laughs at his jokes. His 221A Hetzel Union Building head writer | @patrick_feehan entire existence is intrusive, plus University Park, PA 16801 he never pays for beer and is Phroth, Penn State’s Humor Magazine, is an After leaving a party last drunk after like two beers.” officially recognized student organization at the ON THE MENU Board of Editors Pennsylvania State University, and is open for Saturday night local asshole The community’s hatred Editor in Chief Blaise Thomas any student to join. Jeremy Smowls of Smowls’ even extends to Findlay: “Chicken” fingers, Managing Editor Sean Becker The content and opinions of this publication confirmed the classroom, where fellow reside solely with the authors and not with the “Hambuger” patties, Roasted Production Editor Alex Torok that he truly students as well as professors feel Pennsylvania State University or the University “vegetable” medley, lobster Head Writer Patrick Feehan Park Allocation Committee. believes that animosity towards Smowls. “bisque” Lead Designer Andrew Moore It is well-known that all persons, places, and everyone “Ugh I have class with that guy, Phollegian Editor Peter Hohman things mentioned in Phroth are purely fictitious, loves him. he always gives the answer to and that any resemblance to persons or places Waring: Despite what our professor’s questions and he You know you only care living or dead is entirely coincidental and utterly about the cookies. But we also Treasurer Nicole Foley beyond the control of the Phroth staff and writers. Smowls thinks, is always wrong,” said Michael If you think that your name is in this magazine, have bizarre combinations of Secretary Megan Barr Jeremy Smowls everyone who Cristely. “And then he argues with or on the website, then you are purely fictitious. fruit and artisan cheeses served Homecoming Chair Lauren Murphy knows him the professor about the answers If you’re a public or commonly-known on top of pizzas and some Asian Blog Editor Andrew Moore individual, then we would like you to know actually has a very low opinion of to these simple questions. Then stuff. Phroth Phest Chair Megan Barr that due to the wonderful (and Constitutionally- him and generally thinks he is an after class he comes up to me and protected) literary devices of hyperbole and Phroth Dog D’jango asshole. acts like we’re best friends and satire, we can make fun of you. Warnock: Ancient legends Faculty Adviser Pamela Monk Phroth can normally be found in the HUB, in “I’m the life of the party,” said he follows me to lunch to with commons areas on campus, at the top of a mug Smowls, after forcing this reporter my friends and eats with us. He amongst the shamans of the of your favorite beverage, and behind the toilets Squamish people indicate that Writing Staff to give him a high five. “People doesn’t even know them!” of the very finest entertainment establishments in food was once served in this Jonathan De La Cruz, Brad Foster, State College. love having me around, I can tell Snowls’ sense of self-importance place. The old men of the tribe Spencer Frank, Mark Steiner, For more information on Phroth, email because I’m really good at reading can be explained by extreme still maintain that on the night Ben Pollock, Danny Magerman, [email protected] or stop by 221A HUB. people. It feels so nice to know narcissism that blinds him to the when souls roam free, food may Samantha Rosas, Michael Boulter, that I have so many close friends opinions of others. In the mind of still be found in North Halls. Erik Schneider, Nicole Miller, who care about me. Seriously, the Jeremy Smowls, it is impossible

Jeffrey Duclos, Nick Miller, Owen party doesn’t even start until I get not to love him. Pollock: Lots of obesity-causing Hitchcock, Andrew Oreskovich, Zach there.” “Hey man, haters gonna hate stuff on Fiestaware plates. Weber Smowls is known around campus and there is nothing I can do for showing up places uninvited, about that, but it’s a good thing Although hopefully not actually Fiestaware, as that was radioac- Production Staff constantly quoting ‘Family Guy’ that I don’t have any haters,” tive and caused birth defects in Jeffrey Duclos, Lauren Murphy, PHROTH MEETINGS EVERY MONDAY and bragging about skipping his said Smowls, when told what millions of babies such as Clint Samantha Rosas, Kevin Merlini When: Mondays at 6:00 pm introductory business classes. the subject of this article would Howard. Where: 330 HUB “Jeremy is the worst,” said be. “Everybody loves me, that’s Special thanks to the Centre Daily Who: All students interested in writing, Alyssa Smythe, a classmate crazy. I’m Jeremy! Everyone Simmons: Despair Times and avid readers Shannon graphic design, advertising, managing, and of Jeremy’s. “He shows up loves Jeremy. This is for one of

McCoy & Kevin Deak. anyone who has a sense of humor. everywhere and talks super loud those joke newspapers, right? Note: all spelling errors are intentional attempts to emulate the You’re right, we don’t do THON. and then gets mad at people when Like The Onion but not hilarious.” Collegian The Phroth Phollegian LOCAL Friday, Oct. 26, 2012 | 3 “I have a gun” reports man with gun Girl in ECON 102 by Sean Becker Managing editor i @sean_becker just doesn’t get it Local residents were reportedly under duress last night as an by mark steiner she missed a crucial segment of unknown man walked the staff writer i @markiesayrelax class when she got a text from a streets telling people he had a man she refered to as ‘this guy gun. The bizarre scene unfolded Kate Bergman, a freshman with an apartment off campus downtown between one and at the Pennsylvania State whose 21st birthday is next three AM. University, declared today that Friday.’ “Why are you telling me you she simply doesn’t understand Halfway through the interview, have a gun?” reported Rachel anything in Econ 102. Kate’s friend pulled us aside Walters (senior - sculpture). It has been speculated that she and told us that she has “been Walters then got extremely got lost somewhere around the trying to help Kate through emotional and fell to the ground part where the teacher played the semester so far but she as she said, “Don’t point that at the clip from The Simpsons. simply has to check Twitter and me, oh God.” She took a brief minute from Pinterest most of class. Kate Police were baffled by the checking Facebook to give us a can’t figure out that she might lack of leads in the case, with Photo by Andrew Oreskovich quick rundown of exactly what actually understand one of the Detective John Wallace saying, Reporting live, this man has a gun. happened. most useful classes required in “Oh, you have a gun? Very “I looked away from my phone her worthless major she’ll never funny. Stop joking around, we screaming as people attempted begged for his life and started to for a minute because the lights find a job with if she would just have an investigation to do.” to come to her aid. cry as he slowly slumped behind went dark. All of a sudden we’re put her iPhone away for 10 Wallace then walked away to Calls to the police increased the counter of his shop in tears. watching The Simpsons. Then minutes of the class.” investigate potential witnesses. in volume as the night went on. The panic subsided by morning, the teacher started explaining An insider at the Forum “I swear to God I won’t tell Shopowner Michael Schwartz but townsfolk were still worried something about elastic demand building has relayed to us that anybody about this if you just said, “Christ, why do you have about the incidents reoccuring, and I got confused.” Kate tried Kate has discovered Reddit. don’t shoot me,” stated Claire a gun? Look, please, you can with newspaper editor John to look at the past couple slides Experts say that Kate might be Tillings, local bakery owner. take anything you want, just Hemsley saying, “Dear Lord, she bought from the Student able to pull a D in Econ 102 if Tillings then ran into the streets don’t hurt me.” Schwartz then why do you have a gun in here?” Book Store, but unfortunately she subscribes to r/economics. Teen unknowingly dresses as slut for Halloween Student by nicole miller thought of the outfit, Tammy- staff writer i @nicoleelynne07 Lynn said that they never saw it since her dad left when she was arrested A local 14-year-old left her younger and her mom was too house to go trick-or-treating on busy working the pole, since her Halloween night thinking she mother is responsible for working after looked like an adorable rabbit. and maintaining the flag poles at However, after leaving her house, all of the local businesses in the her friends quickly informed her area with her private company, putting ho that in fact looked like a dirty Clean Poles Inc. tramp. Tammy-Lynn’s friends all The teen confirmed that the before bro did not want to “I just bunny costume use her real name was the sluttiest by danny magerman for this article and outfit they had staff writer has been given an wanted to seen all night, alias of Tammy- and definitely did Perhaps the best known clause Lynn. Tammy- look like a not expect this recorded in the Bro-Code Lynn stated that of Tammy-Lynn, handbook -- first made official her outfit consisted cute bunny who usually by fictional of a silk bunny wears overalls and womanizer, costume, which was grandma sweaters. Barney bubblegum pink, rabbit.” They had also said Photo by Sean Becker Stinson -- was had a deep V-neck in the front, the costume looked similar to that Tammy-Lynn, pictured here losing her innocence violated this and covered most of her butt. of a Playboy bunny, also known past weekend. She also had a small cottontail as one of the almost-dead Hugh never pick a Halloween outfit that Tammy-Lynn’s town has a ratio Penn State attached to the back, bunny ears, Hefner’s dirty young sluts. the Devil would wear,” Tammy- of 3 child sex offenders to every junior, Chad see-through stockings, and 5-inch Coming from a very Lynn said. child, which many reports say had Landrey heels. conservative family, Tammy- She was very confused and something to do with Tammy- Chad Landrey thought it “It was the cutest costume I saw Lynn had no idea what a slutty surprised by what her friends Lynn’s large amount of candy. would be in the store,” said Tammy-Lynn, Halloween outfit would look like had told her when they saw her However, Tammy-Lynn affirmed “totally chill” for him to have “and I knew I would look exactly if it smacked her in the face. “I on Halloween night but was also that many of the men that gave a “bite to eat with his bitch” like a cute little bunny rabbit for was raised to love Jesus, since he happily surprised to receive the her candy said her outfit was instead of pregaming with his Halloween as soon as I tried it on. is the only man in my life, and most candy in her small town of cute and absolutely perfect (since usual all-male crew. Little did I loved it!” condemn anything that is sexual Winchestertonfield, Oklahoma. saying anything sexual would out the architectural design major When asked what her parents in nature in any way. I would On a completely unrelated note, their identity as a sex offender). know that State College police have been on alert for this sort of chivalrous activity. Fucking tight end Kyle “Putting your ho before your Man repeating bros is a serious offense,” remarked chief Roger Reinhardt. Carter left the glue gun “We can’t have every Harry, funny lines during Dick, and Joe running around making romantic gestures when on in my sculpture class there’s beer to shotgun and Super comedy makes movie Smash Brothers to play. It’s sickening, not to mention illegal, and it burned my hand when a bro neglects his fellow much funnier bros.” by sean becker Cracking down on offenders managing editor i @sean_becker by erik schneider the man would repeat the last few like Landrey has become a staff writer words of the joke and I would just priority for police who are According to an anonymous lose it!” exasperated by, what Reinhardt source in Intro to Sculpture, Penn During a showing of the movie Hollywood marketers are now is calling a “wave of briolations,” State tight end Kyle Carter left the “Ted” a local man repeated punch considering planting these clever, (also known as bro-violations). In fucking glue gun on and it burned lines of funny jokes to the people hilarious men in theaters all over layman’s terms, men, pressured my hand. Carter was oblivious to sitting near him. The lucky patrons the United States. “Some people to pay closer attention to their this fact since he left class an hour sitting close to the man could not don’t realize when a really good lady-friends, have forgotten their early because he acts like he runs believe how much funnier the joke is told, it could be profitable drink-chugging, loud-belching, this fucking town. movie was because of the man to have designated guys sitting fist-bumping roots. “It’s obvious he’s just taking this they sat next to. around to repeat the end of the Handcuffed and wearing a mesh class because he thinks it’s an easy Michael Regula (Senior- jokes. That way, people will realize tank-top at the municipal court ‘A’”, the source said. “Maybe Psychology) was among the that there was, in fact, a joke.” on Sunday morning, Landrey if he paid some goddamned students sitting near the man. Comedians everywhere are pled his case: “My girlfriend attention, he wouldn’t be making “One of the characters would say trying to piece together how this was pissed at me for Mario Kart such stupid fucking mistakes. It’s a really funny line, and I would guy figured out how to be so drinking-and-driving all week basic fucking safety.” Photo by Andrew Oreskovich chuckle much like the rest of the funny, but they have yet to come instead of helping her study for “Kyle is a very nice boy and Kyle Carter displaying blatant audience,” Regula said. “But then, to any definitive conclusions. her econ test. I had to take her a hard worker.” said sculpture disregard for the safety of others somewhere classy.” teacher Dana something, whose If Landrey had not been so busy name I couldn’t remember going to use common sense in reciting an apology to “Jane,” because I was so angry at fucking sculpture class. Also, I saw his his girlfriend since the end of Kyle Carter. “He comes to class sculpture, and it sucked. It’s like freshman year, he may have on time and is very nice to he’s not even paying attention in noticed the patrol car tailing the students, and makes art that fits class, he just shows up and makes couple as they left his apartment. his personality.” some gradeschool bullshit and “Yeah, we spotted five bros Upon being informed of Carter’s goes home to play football.” through a window looking prowess on the field, I noted, “I Carter did not comment on confused. Without Landrey to don’t give a fuck how many the accusation because I didn’t make even sides, they couldn’t touchdowns he scores if he isn’t fucking ask him to. figure how to finish their game of flip-cup. That’s when we spotted our perp leaving the scene of the crime,” recalled officer Dave Shack. “He just up and left his bros hanging. Really despicable behavior, if you ask me.” Shack and his partner followed Landrey and “Jane” all the way to the South Allen street Panera Bread. Landrey was arrested on the spot. “Jane” was encouraged to “look for a man who will spring for something nicer than Panera when he’s taking you somewhere classy.” Landrey is awaiting arraignment and will face a minimum sentence of 60 hours community service and must complete a course in bro-sensitivity training. 4 | Friday, Oct. 26, 2012 NATION The Phroth Phollegian Duct tape fails to repair parents' marriage "The world is just by andrew oreskovich staff writer |@AndyO_riginal beginning!" claims HIGHTSTOWN, NJ. – During what was supposed to be a relaxing visit home, student Robert controversial hobo Everly (sophomore - physics) was BY NICK MILLER disappointed to learn that duct tape STAFF WRITER | @NICKM2192 could in fact not fix “anything.” Contrary to popular claims, duct NEW YORK, NY. – Many of tape could not repair the rapidly- New York’s homeless are up in declining marriage between his arms after hearing about one parents: “I saw a hilarious t-shirt of their colleagues spreading just last week,” Everly recalled controversial claims near Times with visible distraught, “there’s Square. nothing duct tape can’t fix!” “Friends, strangers, tourists: lend Unfortunately, the $13.19 roll of me your ears! I am here to tell you cloth-backed pressure-sensitive Photo by Spencer Frank that what you’ve been reading on adhesive had absolutely no Not even the finest duct tape could cover upM rs. Everly’s affair with many a cardboard sign in this city effect in improving the swiftly- a cabana boy. is a lie. The end is not near, in fact, deteriorating conditions of the foundation of his very childhood is for the whirlwind of mutual distrust the world is just beginning! We Photo by Spencer Frank parents’ marital bond. “I mean, crumbling before him. and boiling hatred between the two are the start of the world… We Scratchy Jennings could also maybe I used it wrong? I just kind While duct tape has been known adults whom Everly once depended are the world!” These claims were use $5 if you can spare it. of set it on the table and waiting for for its life-saving historic usage on for every essence of his being. shouted by Marcus “Scratchy” It’s just insane man.” it to work its magic,” said dipshit aboard Apollo 13 and ability to Sizeable rolls of duct tape are Jennings, a homeless man and It does seem that Jennings may, Everly, breaking down in tears resist temperatures of up to 400 currently on sale at McLanahan’s 1980s enthusiast who usually in fact, actually have a mental while clearly reflecting on how the degrees, it apparently is no match for $10. resides near the East River, just problem. When he was approached this past week to the surprise and for a comment, Jennings showed dismay of many of the city’s other signs of dementia, saying “Anyone homeless. who claims that the world isn’t Mass murder victims dressed Bernard “Sticky Fingers” ending is insane. I for one would Malone, a fellow East River never say that.” resident, was disgusted with Directly after this statement, like they were asking for it Jennings’ remark. “We’ve been Jennings returned to his soap BY BLAISE THOMAS by police following a lengthy times. working for decades to build the box and continued with his EDITOR IN CHIEF | @BLAISEOFTHOMAS investigation into the six back-alley “You can argue all day that a reputation we have today. The foil controversial claims. murders which had become well woman should be able to wear hats, the government conspiracy Both tourists and locals alike NEW YORK, NY. - Yesterday known in the public eye. Stoop, whatever she wants without theories, and most importantly the say that it’s refreshing to hear a saw the opening remarks in the however, claims the stabbings were objectification, but we all know end of the world conspiracies are homeless man with a view that long-awaited serial murder trail uncontrollable crimes of passion the message it sends,” said Walt all trademarks of the industry.” isn’t all about the end of the world. regarding last summer’s string of and therefore he is not to blame. Steinem, who was present at the It’s unclear what Malone meant While they don’t exactly agree public stabbings. In an unusual “So what was I supposed to do,” precedings. “Like it or not, these by “industry” but it is clear that he with Jennings’ claims, they do say move, the defendant, Mungus said Stoop. “I had a little to drink girls should know better than to is not alone in his thinking. it’s a nice message for the kids. Stoop, has chosen to plead and it’s always been hard for me to dress like common street corpses “Scratchy? He’s crazy man, like “I don’t think it’s a good thing innocence, insisting it was the say no in the first place. Then you if they expect to be treated like for real crazy. I think that guy for young children to hear about victims’ choice of clothing that have all these ladies walking around normal living people.” has a mental problem,” said Jerry how we’re all going to die. At provoked his violence. late at night batting their ‘come- Should the unorthodox tactic Felton, hobo, while taking a break least this poor, decrepit, awful- “Now I know it sounds cliche, but hither-and-stab-me-repeatedly’ prove succesful, it would set strong from talking to the ducks. “I mean, smelling man’s idea is somewhat you should have seen these people,” eyes. It was entrapment I tell you.” precident for future cases involving sure, I have some crazy habits: I hopeful,” said Thomas Howell of said criminal defence attorney, The defense has been met with appearance based crimes and spend any money I get on scratch- Maine, “I think this man could be Lance Pierceberg. “Sometimes general repulsion by the public, open the door for further litigaion. off tickets, I prefer the new Star a motivational speaker.” there actually are certain ways you but there are still certain outspoken Such a future may not be too far Wars trilogy to the original, and I No word yet on whether Howell’s can dress that will bring forth some individuals who are convinced that off, as initial fashion reports are played a role in creating the search idea to have a man with an awful very uncharacteristic urges in men.” the Stoop trial is simply pointing suggesting that the real crimes here engine Bing, but to say the world life be a motivational speaker had Mungus Stoop was apprehended out an inconvenient truth of the were those outfits. is just beginning and not ending? any sense of irony behind it or not. Husband cringes every Family pet refuses to save time he hears safe family from house fire while in dog police custody. “They’re always messing with word at the office me and I hate it. It looks like they throw the ball and then when I go BY Pat Feehan rush back to his cubicle.” to get it, it is magically back in Head writeR | @patrick_feehan Feldman and his wife decided to their hand. They never let me have begin using a safe word after a close the ball! Or the stick, sometimes ATHENS, PA. – Insurance call last month involving a leather it’s a stick.” salesman Brad Feldman appeared belt with a faulty buckle. ‘Jupiter’ Prior to the fire the Adamsons visibly uncomfortable during a was decided on by the couple were unaware that Rufus held any water cooler conversation about because they assumed it would rarely animosity towards the family. the solar system this past Friday. come up in normal conversation. “I thought Rufus loved us, we Further investigation revealed that “Who cares about the solar always feed him and take him for Feldman and his wife had recently system!” said Feldman. “Why would Photo by Spencer Frank walks,” said Donny Adamson, chosen ‘Jupiter’ as a safe word that be what everyone is talking Family dog Rufus, quietly surveyed the destruction he had wrought, the family’s 11-year-old son. during particularly dangerous or about at the water cooler? Tagomi’s knowing that the family would never truly recover from the fire. “Whenever my friends come over rough sex. son just got a D.U.I. Why don’t we I let them pull his tail and he barks “Every time someone mentioned talk about that? I just don’t like BY PAT FEEHAN to the drapes, this Friday evening. with excitement. Why would he Jupiter or its ice moon, Io, Brad hearing that word. It’s a bedroom- HEAD WRITER | @Patrick_feehan The family managed escape hate us? I always pet him behind got super weird,” said Feldman’s only word for me.” through a second-story window the ears after I splash him with coworker Susan Tagomi. “He turned Feldman has proposed to his wife ORELAND, PA. – Rufus, a while Rufus stayed outside in his water.” red and kept sipping his water even a change of safe-word, but he was cocker spaniel belonging to the dog house, not even so much as Despite the ill will the Adamsons though the cup was empty. quickly told to put on his gimp suit Adamson family, refused to save barking for help. have decided to keep Rufus, even We kept asking if he was okay and and cod piece and go wait in the his family from a fire, which was “I could have been free if they allowing him to sleep inside the he would say he was then he would bedroom. started by a candle left too close didn’t escape,” barked Rufus, house from now on. Soccer coach just sober enough to lead team to victory BY PAT FEEHAN problems since our divorce,” said While some condemn Lewis’ themselves. If that is the case then his special drink him and Mommy HEAD WRITER | @PATRICK_FEEHAN Cynthia Stewart, Lewis’ ex-wife practice of coaching while I am really impressed. He didn’t can start living together and we and the mother of their 12-year- hungover or still drunk, others even break down and cry and beg can be a family again. And Mom’s ORELAND, PA - Little league old son Anthony Jr. “I am just have praised his dedication. for his wife to take him back, he friend Pat will finally stop taking soccer coach Anthony Lewis led really proud that he held his vomit “The other parents and I were really held it together.” me to the zoo.” his team of 12-year-olds to victory in long enough to coach the team. concerned when Mr. Lewis signed The victory marks the team’s first Lewis reportedly passed out in this past Saturday morning despite The only thing Anthony Jr. wanted up to coach the team,” said Allison of the season, and Lewis’ presence a bush immediately following being visibly inebriated. Lewis was for his father to be conscious Mittigan, a parent of one of the as coach is credited with giving the game and was placed in the was initially coerced into coaching for the last game of the season, other players. “He’s the town drunk the team the extra boost needed to drunk tank by the police. As of the team by his ex-wife who and Anthony really pulled through and for most of the season he’s just be successful. publication Mrs. Lewis reported suggested Lewis coach the team for him. I mean not only was he been sleeping on the bench while “Dad was awesome today!” said that she had not heard from in an effort to remain a part of his conscious but only the adults could the kids run the team themselves. Anthony Lewis Jr. “He was at the Lewis since the game and had no son’s life. smell the alcohol on his breath and Maybe this was plan all along, to game and he was coaching the intention of giving their marriage “Anthony has had a lot of the team even won!” force the kids to learn how to lead team! Now that he doesn’t need another chance. Puffs lotion tissues not for sore noses Like what BY SAMANTHA ROSAS her tears, "he wasn't using the tissues made Puffs even more infamous Staff writer | @Vasillilaw for a runny nose." than before. Days following the incident "I think those fucking assholes QUAKERTOWN, PA - The have proven dicey for the tissue at Puffs are just pulling a stupid you see? popular tissue brand Puffs has been company. Many overbearing publicity stunt." said Cottonelle under recent investigation due to mothers, the target market for Puffs, Puppy, a neighboring paper product an incident involving the misuse have stopped buying the brand of individual. "They don't have a cute Join Phroth today! of the company's lotion tissue. A tissues, yet sales seemed to have mascot like me, so why the fuck loyal customer of the tissues, Mrs. increased. Researchers suggest that not? Ya know, lots of kids used Domineer, witnessed the incident the Domineer family's tragic event to accommodate their monkey We have meetings after arriving home from church last promoted Puffs Lotion Tissues for spanking with us, but now that this Sunday afternoon. transactions of mostly adolescent shit hit the fan we're just left with the every Monday at "My son, Bradley, wanted to stay males. economical bastards." home from church because he said "This is simply un-American." said The CEO of Puffs will be questioned 6:00 P.M. in 330 HUB! he wasn't feeling well. It seemed he presidential candidate Mitt Romney. in the ensuing weeks about the initial was getting the flu that's been going "If I become President I will put intentions of releasing Puffs Lotion around since he had gone through an an 18 and older age limit on those Tissues. Circulating rumors claim entire box of tissues the day prior. tissues." that the strongest evidence against Walk-Ins welcome! When I got home from church I Though politicians are debating the tissue company is the first lotion went to check on him and..." said whether Romney's statement is tissue commercial where a character Mrs. Domineer while rejecting the legitimate or just for votes, it is is allegedly fondling himself in the instinct to reach for a tissue to wipe certain that all the publicity has background. The Phroth Phollegian ENTERTAINMENT Friday, Oct. 26, 2012 | 5 Greatest hits collection perfect Alien demigod condemns for casual David Bowie fan by pat feehan single CD of the hits as opposed to Earth for “Honey Boo Boo” head writer|@patrick_feehan individually owning all of David by peter hohman Bowie’s albums on CD and vinyl phollegian editor |@hohmansapien BOSTON, Mass. – Casual music has caused an uproar amongst his fan Carl Minsky has reported that audiophile friends. The giant purple alien known as the David Bowie Greatest Hits “It’s just lazy. He doesn’t truly Galactus announced yesterday that collection he recently purchased appreciate Bowie,” said John he has chosen Earth for his next meal. from Best Buy is exactly what he Davis, while flipping through milk Galactus, an alien demigod who was looking for. crates full of vinyl records. “I mean feeds off of planets, has repeatedly “This is so great for me,” said how can you really understand come close to devouring the planet Minsky, while wearing a Lynyrd what Bowie is trying to say on but has always been stopped by Skynyrd shirt purchased from ‘Diamond Dogs’ without hearing either the Fantastic Four or by his Target. “I like David Bowie but the whole thing in the order that own appreciation for humanity’s with this collection I don’t have to Bowie intended? Carl always does basic nobility. He claims that his listen to any of those weird songs this, the only Bob Marley album decision to eat the Earth came after where it’s just Bowie and Brian he owns is Legend and he has that he received a satellite broadcast of Photo by Samantha Rosas Eno chanting in German. I can just poster on his wall too!” the TLC reality show “Here Comes Galactus was particularly enraged with Honey Boo Boo’s consump- listen to the hits one after another. Despite the objections, Minsky Honey Boo Boo.” tion go the Go-Go Juice elixir. Plus the greatest hits CD was the remains happy with his decision “In my travels through the lonely ‘Jersey Shore,’ I had hope that priority should be learning about only David Bowie CD that Best and is proud to report he has void of space, I have always my faith in humanity was not in the universe. At this point, when Buy had in stock.” almost memorized all of the lyrics sought to devour worlds that vain,” said the Surfer. “But then the populace of Earth cares so little Minsky’s decision to purchase a of “Changes”. were uninhabited by intelligent TLC made a spin-off of ‘Toddlers about learning that they would life. Humans, for all their faults, and Tiaras,’ I knew that I could rather watch show based on making did always possess some savage no longer prolong the inevitable. fun of mentally handicapped beauty and I could not help but Galactus must feed, and any species people, the scientist in me says Theme park bathroom admire that potential. Yet you that imprisons its own kind in the ‘[expletive removed] it. Let them have squandered that potential - you cage of public perception, that save themselves.’ At least this way, amuse yourselves by laughing at laughs at fat children and feeds season two will never be produced.” lacks thematic unity those less fortunate than you. And them Red Bull, that is so dedicated Richards and his family plan by pat feehan regular bathroom.” now I hunger,” said Galactus. to destroying creative thought, no to evacuate the Earth on their head writer | @patrick_feehan The management of Space- Galactus’s herald, the Silver longer deserves Galactus’s mercy.” spacecraft before Galactus devours Lazer-City Land Theme Park has Surfer, has tried to spare Earth when Reed Richards of the Fantastic the planet. As part of their vacation ORLANDO, Fla. – Multiple acknowledged the problem with looking for planets that are suitable Four has battled Galactus many in the cosmos, they say they intend patrons of Space-Lazer-City Land their parks but does not plan to for consumption. Yet he says that times in the past, but he is choosing to make use of the new hyperspace Theme Park have reported that change the bathroom’s design “Honey Boo Boo” was the straw not to intervene now. In part, he bypass that will be constructed the theme park’s bathrooms lack anytime soon. that broke the proverbial camel’s says, he agrees with Galactus. where Earth used to be. Galactus the thematic unity that ties the “We really tried,” said Michelle back. “I’m a scientist,” said Richards, is scheduled to eat the world next rest of outer space themed park Petroski, the manager of Space- “When I heard they canceled “and scientists’ number one Tuesday. together. The park’s bathroom Lazer-City Land Theme Park. “We lacks the lasers, bright lights, and had planned for the bathrooms to be blinding neon that make the park space themed but the construction so exciting for divorced parents workers kept getting seizures from “Normal Activity 2” leaves audiences and adderall-addicted tweens. the strobe lights in the urinals. “It really ruins the whole Also, if we put any type of neon experience,” said Harold Maloney, lighting or black lights in the completely indifferent, bored as he drank from his 64 oz. child bathroom it would reveal a truly by erik schneider studio, Warner Sisters Inc., made many hipsters as well. Hipster Josh size soda. “One minute you’re in disturbing amount of bodily fluids. staff writer plans for the sequel when they found Jaskowiak (Junior-Education) had a magic world of space travel and Ultimately, we decided that a plain out how well audiences responded to this to say about the movie, “The astronauts and the next minute bathroom would be easiest.” A sequel to the bone warming really predictable movies. plot is pretty straightforward, the you’re in a less magical world A distinct change in mood can blockbuster “Normal Activity” One moviegoer described the movie itself is artistic and most of of taupe wallpaper, floor-length be seen in patrons of the park hit theatres Thursday night/Friday appeal of the movie, “As audiences my friends haven’t seen it so it is urinals, and cheap hand sanitizers. after having used the bathrooms, morning. Initial non-action from we get bombarded by all these pretty damn good.” It is really troubling, once you’ve reports describe a general sense moviegoers indicates that “Normal action flicks, horror franchises, and The movie builds itself around a been in the bathrooms you can’t of disappointment and frustration Activity 2: Just Another Day” picked dramas. Quite frankly, we are tired day in the life of Pete and Catherine stop thinking about how awesome that results in patrons leaving the up right where the original left off. of everything that happens during Mellark, a happily married couple it would be if the toilets had park even more unhappy then A $100 million grossing original normal 90 minute movies, we love who just mind their own business. android voices. But it’s just a when they arrived. that cost only $10,000 to make, the simplicity of ‘Normal Activity There are no explosions, no romantic “Normal Activity” was a hit with 2.’” moments, and best of all there is no critics and moviegoers alike. The The movie is striking a chord with excitement whatsoever. Man wakes up Dalai Lama fired after saying “YOLO” by erik schneider The Dalai Lama was accused of “a pretty chill bro.” This damning from coma, finally staff Writer saying “YOLO” on two separate evidence was restated by frat brother occasions. The Lama yelled YOLO after frat brother. TIBET, China - The revered Dalai for the first time before shotgunning The Dalai Lama declined to Lama has been removed from his a beer with some frat brothers. The comment, but was seen with “a guilty discusses Inception position as the head Lama was heard shouting YOLO for look on that irreverent, wrinkled face of Tibetan Buddhism the second time shortly before his of his” by the Vice-Dalai Lama. by Nick Miller mean sure the top wobbled a bit after being heard first skydive. Buddhists everywhere are in thon chair|@Nickm2192 but that doesn’t mean it had to shouting the phrase The Board of Tibetan Buddhists conflict over whether to believe the stop, right? That’s the beauty of "YOLO". Until congregated for an emergency Lama and abandon their faith, or AMARILLO, TX – Rodeo the whole thing, isn’t it? The world recently, the Lama meeting this past Wednesday and whether to trust the administration clown Ken Roberts finally awoke may never know what exactly Dalai Lama was believed to be fired the Lama just days after these and proceed to follow a new Dalai from his two year coma this past happened at the end!” Roberts is the reincarnation accusations were released. Lama. week and finally got to discuss so full of wonder about the film of an enlightened thinker whose In the Grand Jury presentment of No Buddhists were available the 2008 Christopher Nolan film that it’s off-putting to many of the purpose was to bring others to the case, an anonymous frat brother for an interview, but an assistant Inception. staff, as well as his family. enlightenment. All of Buddhism is henceforth known as ‘Brother #1’ greenskeeper at Bushwood Country Roberts had just left a viewing “I know he’s my uncle and reeling and the faith itself has been testified that he “partied hard with Club made the comment, “Big hitter of the film before heading to a all, and yeah I love him I guess thrown into question. the Lama” and that the Lama was the Lama.” rodeo gig on the night of July 20, but come on man, it’s been two 2010 and had no time to talk with years. I don’t think the people anyone else about what he had just who waited in line for the DVD seen. Roberts was only about a even watch it anymore,” said Joey half second into his ride before he Roberts, nephew of the patient, “I fell off the bull and was knocked know I certainly don’t watch it unconscious. and I loved it when I first saw it.” “The hardest part of all of this While the ending of the movie is reminding all the staff that he remains endlessly debatable, one ARIES ««« LIBRA « hasn’t had the chance to talk about thing is clear: if public trends from (March 21 - April 19) (September 23 - October 22) the movie,” said head nurse Felicia two years ago are any indication, You are overcome with survivor’s guilt Nice test scores! You could be an engineer, Jones, “in a very close second Roberts will be talking about the over escaping from two Michael Bay films but there’s no better time than the present with your career somehow intact. to start your rap career place is the fact that nobody cares movie constantly and incessantly Tip: Parents just don’t understand about that ending anymore.” for at least another four to six TAURUS ««««« “I think he’s still dreaming. I months. (April 20 - May 20) You will appear in a big-budget sci-fi film SCORPIO «««« adaptation that is both a commercial (October 23 - November 21) disappointment and a critical failure Who dat is? A mean brother, bad for your compared to the other films in your health. Lookin’ damn good though, if I career. And no, this horoscope isn’t about could say so myself. “I, Robot.” Tip: Sisqo, Sisqo GEMINI « (May 21 - June 20) SAGITTARIUS ««« You secretly hate your daughter because (November 22 - December 21) of her superior rapper skills. It’s ok Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee, get though, she gets on everybody else’s nominated for a “Best Actor in a Leading nerves as well. Role” Oscar. Tip: You are the greatest! CANCER « (June 21 - July 22) LEO «««« You realize that your once-friend, now- (July 23 - August 22) enemy DJ Jazzy Jeff has a potentially You will be subject to criticism for your scandalous tape recording of you uttering profession. We all want Eva Mendes, but some mild curses. Luckily, you can use she’s out to get you. your great wealth combined with your Tip: Avoid Gemini, and journalism majors. Negro magic to ensure that world forgets he ever existed.

CAPRICORN ««« AQUARIUS « (December 22 - January 19) (January 20 - February 18) Dance is a hop and a clap, flip it round. Maybe if you didn’t go back in time, your Now bring it on back. Break it down now, dad wouldn’t be dead. Think before you switch. make rash decisions.

VIRGO ««« PISCES ««««« (August 23 - September 22) (February 19 - March 20) Your future isn’t looking so bright as long Though many will deride it as a racially as you keep donating organs to strangers. insensitive decision, your choice will get Tip: Death’s sweet embrace will come in you an NAACP award nomination. the form of a jellyfish.

comic by sami cappa and her little bitch boyfriend Andrew Moore Phroth guest artist 6 | Friday, Oct. 26, 2012 ELECTION 2012 The Phroth Phollegian Big Bang Theory rerun wins presidential debate bY Peter Hohman where Sheldon builds a robot to Campaign strategists for both Phollegian Editor | @HohmanSapien interact with the rest of the gang President Obama and Governor to extend his life expectancy. Romney are taking lessons from In a tense debate last night, That one’s such a classic, I this defeat in how to appeal to President Obama and former just had to watch,” said Karen undecided voters. Mr. Obama is governor of Massachusetts Mitt Brennan of Washington, D.C. expected to “call on a brother” Romney traded barbs about the “I laughed so hard when Steve and ask for an endorsement economy, health care, and the Wozniak had his cameo,” said from Neil deGrasse Tyson. Mr. danger of Iran’s nuclear program Bill Noonan. “How often will Romney’s strategists anticipate before a television audience of I get a chance to see such fine that Romney’s knowledge of 31 million Americans. In two comedy? It was so much better “The Big Bang Theory” will separate polls conducted by than whatever Obama and Mitt help him seem more relatable NBC and Fox, a rerun of the Romney were doing.” to the average man at the risk Big Bang Theory came out on Analysts were unsurprised of alienating fundamentalist top with the support of 47% of at the Big Bang Theory’s Christians. the undecided voters polled. dominance at the debate, citing Romney is also expected to add “I started watching the debate its rank as the most popular some incongruous sex jokes to at 9:00, but it was so boring that scripted comedy in the “I his next speech in an attempt to Photo by Erik Schneider by 9:10 I had flipped to TBS. don’t care what happens to our follow the mold of the Chuck Rajesh and Sheldon, characters from The Big Bang Theory, bask in They were airing that episode country” demographic. Lorre-created program. the warmth of canned laughter from the debate audience. Romney grows mustache, possibly Presidential election to to appeal to Hispanic voters feature text-in votes by Peter Hohman by Andrew Moore inquired Ryan Powell of Gary, Phollegian Editor | @HohmanSapien Lead Designer | @shaqshrek Indiana. This new voting system, despite Republican Presidential WASHINGTON, D.C. - In an the conveniences it provides, does candidate Mitt Romney announced effort to motivate more people to come with a drawback; in order his participation in No Shave vote in the upcoming Presidential to tally the increased income November yesterday amid Election, the option to text of votes, the results will not be accusations of pandering to your vote on Election Day was revealed until the next day. Hispanic voters. Romney’s latest publically announced over the The results, rather than being change in appearance comes just weekend. announced the night of the a month after he was suspected of The new voting system will election, will instead be presented tanning in order to appeal to Latino allow every United States citizen live in an hour-long television voters. to simply text their name, social program. “Let me clarify, the mustache is security number, and the word The program will feature musical just because it’s November, guys,” “VOTE” to a preset phone number, performances from singers such as said Romney. “If I really wanted assuring that no one will ever have Justin Bieber and Kelly Clarkson, to do something to get the Hispanic to look up where they are supposed as well as special cameos from vote, Marco Rubio would be my to go to vote ever again. former Republican candidates running mate and I would claim Photo by Erik Schneider All votes for Republican Newt Gingrich and Michele that I know who the Gipsy Kings Mitt Romney has been growing this mustache for five months. candidate Mitt Romney will be Bachmann. This is expected to take are.” texted to 1961, while votes for up most of the show’s duration, The ladies of The View, however, plastic surgeon. voters’ election day decisions. current president Barack Obama with the results being presented in were unconvinced by Romney’s Right-leaning cohost Elizabeth In an unrelated story, Fox News will be texted to 1929. the final minute. explanation. Hasselbeck did defend Romney’s Channel personality Steve Doocy Many Americans across the “Yeah, this is totally American “That man would never just grow facial hair as a matter of personal claims that President Obama is nation displayed approval towards Idol,” Ryan Powell of Gary, a mustache because he wants one,” style, but the consensus from intentionally dyeing his hair gray the new policy. Indiana remarked again. said political expert (and nonvoter) the daytime talk show was that in order to make his skin appear “This is fantastic!” said Darius The phone lines will open up at Sherri Shepherd. “The way that he his mustache is a ploy to attract blacker and thus recapture the Grohl of Seattle, Washington. 7 a.m. on Tuesday, November 5th spends so much time and money to Hispanic voters. The View’s African American vote. Doocy’s “Now I can finally vote while and will remain open until 7 p.m. manipulate his physical image and hard-hitting, intellectual rigorous claims have reportedly convinced at eating my Hungry Man dinners!” The results show will be presented gain public support disgusts me,” criticism of Romney is expected least one eighty-three-year-old man “Wait, hasn’t American Idol been live on Wednesday, November 6th echoed Joy Behar as she texted her to play a large role in undecided to cast an early ballot for Romney. doing this for, like, 10 years?” at 9 p.m., only on Fox Network. Obama vows to swear in on Quran; Ann Romney challenges Romney on Book of Mormon Michelle Obama to by Danny Magerman statements, Obama and Romney usually like musicals.” Staff Writer have promised to tap into their Jay Carney, Obama’s press spiritual roots. secretary said the president’s fitness face-off In a woefully misguided attempt While campaigning in Salt Lake promise to take the oath on the by Nicole Miller At the fitness face-off, Mrs. to garner support from religious City, Romney announced he Quran “is primarily a strategically Staff Writer | @nicoleelynn07 Romney ended up completing fringe would swear in on The Book of timed distraction from the issues. about a mile before hacking up voters, both Mormon to a group of Mormons Barack tanked at the first debate In a sad effort to prove that a lung. This was only the first president rallying on behalf of tax breaks and we needed something to stir her husband was the better challenge of the event, therefore Barack for husbands with multiple wives. the pot.” presidential candidate, Ann Ann was no longer able to Obama and Utah, the home state of The Obama, who has often been Romney challenged the First Lady complete the rest of the face-off. opponent Church of Jesus Christ of Latter- accused of being Muslim, is in to a fitness face-off consisting of Mrs. Obama was completely ready Mitt Romney day Saints, is expected to go to fact not a follower of Islam. In many different challenges such as to continue, even after running have pledged the Republicans on November 6. reaching out to the country’s running, push ups, jumping jacks, five miles. to take the Unfortunately, the Romney 2.6 million Muslims, Obama crunches, and squats. Even after it was clear that Mrs. The Book Of Oath of campaign does not seem to grasp may have alienated some of his Mrs. Romney said that she Obama won the fitness face-off, Mormon, maybe? Office on just how funny The Book of less religious constituents and wanted to have this fitness face-off Mrs. Romney was still adamant alternative Mormon is to the rest of America. confused many Christian voters. since it is so widely believed that that she (and her husband) was sacred texts. Traditionally, the In a recent nationwide Gallup Representing the extreme right, Mrs. Obama is in unbelievable better, claiming that Michelle president elect has solemnly Poll, of Americans who were controversial Florida pastor Terry physical shape. Mrs. Romney had cheated. Officials for this sworn in on a Christian bible asked “What do you know about Jones was asked to comment on wanted to prove that this rumor fitness face-off have realized that during the inaguration day The Book of Mormon?” 95% these unusual developments and is false, but failed to do so since Ann Romney is just really racist ceremonies. However, during responded: “It was the funniest had only this to say: “At least Michelle Obama is such a lady and have endorsed both Michelle the past week in independent show I’ve ever seen. I don’t even neither one of them is a Jew.” beast. Obama and her husband.

The Phollegian’s Guide

to the Presidential Candidates

v s. Pres.You can shorten Barack Pro Obama to “Probama” Obama and that sounds HeGov. has enough money Mitt to buy our debt Romney back from China. pretty cool. Being voted out of office will drive Obama to finally open up Voting for him makes you SUPER not racist. the Obamarama Bowling Lanes. He’s black. Pros He would make history as our nation’s 44th white president. He is an athlete. He is a mathlete.

Voting for Obama is too mainstream. Don’t be so obvious. He’ll buy our debt from China and become America’s Führer

Saying “Con Obama” is racist. It just sounds bad. He may or may not be a unicorn.

He’s black. Mitt is a stupid name.

He may or may not be American. Cons His running-mate is 15-year-old boy who lifts weights too much.