PSU Text Alert Mistakes Lonely Package For
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PENN STATE’S ONLY EDITED NEWSPAPER The Phroth phroth.com Published satirically by students at Penn State @phroth Vol.Phollegian 122 No. 132 Friday, October 27, 2012 free of charge everywhere PSU Text Alert mistakes lonely package for suspicious BY SPENCER FRANK a mass text was sent out about “But, instead, I received a “It’s about the tenth time in goes to the football stadium to STAFF WRITER | @SPENCEFRANK a “suspicious” package, but frightening message from that the past year that we have been try to make friends. However, State College Police ultimately text alert thing warning me to summoned to investigate a anytime it gets close to anyone, Students and faculty subscribed deemed it lonely. PSU Text Alert stay away from North Nittany suspicious package,” explained it’s mistaken for an explosive. to the PSU Text Alert service were ignored its unnecessary whistle Parking Deck or whatever. The Detective Dan Wiley. “Turns Penn State Course Watch once again misinformed about a blowing and deemed the area so-called “bomb” was just a out, it is the same lonely package List has also been under fire package left in a random parking “safe” with another useless mass package left behind and that girl every time. It’s actually really for sending out mass texts to deck somewhere on campus. text message. never texted me back. I’m never sad.” students saying that there are The free service offered by Penn “I was waiting for a text from going to get laid.” Sources tell us that the lonely seats available in high demand State warns about potentially this girl that I just met over the State College Police weighed package was abandoned by a classes. But, when the students dangerous situations, but almost weekend,” explained Mark in on the matter at a recent press UPS driver years ago. It wanders log onto eLion, the classes are always cries wolf. Recently, Johnson (Junior, Marketing). conference. parking decks and occasionally actually full like some cruel trick. Texting while texting accident claims life of PSU student Student BY OWEN HITCHCOCK a lighter note, bus enthusiasts STAFF WRITER | @OWENHITCHCOCK will be thrilled to learn the bus involved in the accident unaware A local freshman has become remained unharmed. the latest casualty in the Texting while texting accidents nationwide wave of texting are becoming more and more of breast while texting accidents, Penn common, with 241 documented State campus police confirmed deaths so far this year, up 78% Friday. The incident occurred from this time last year. Experts cancer Thursday while Jessica Ross suggest this may be due to (freshman-wumbology) was more people owning multiple BY ANDREW ORESKovICH walking back to her dorm. cell phones. As forensic STAFF WRITER | @ANDYO_RIGINAL “At approximately 3:34 PM investigators examined Jessica’s on Thursday, the victim was mutilated body, they recovered Despite month-long efforts to walking along Pollock Road, the remains of four iPhones. raise awareness, student Frank Fina apparently composing a text Police chief Parham believes the (senior - French and Francophone message on her iPhone,” reported victim may have been working Studies) remains completely police chief Tyrone Parham. on four different text messages unaware of breast cancer. “She then got out her second at once earlier on her walk. While many can admit to not iPhone and began composing a “It’s really a tragedy to see knowing the molecular specifics different text message. Because such talented young adults lose of the unfortunate disease, the victim was writing two text their lives over these types of Fina literally has no concept or messages at the same time, she Photo by Erik Schneider accidents. This never should knowledge of the existance of the failed to notice the streetlight Jessica Ross, moments before her untimely death. have happened,” lamented subject. When questioned about pole in front of her and walked Parham. “How fucking hard is the issue Fina stared blankly back, directly into it.” street, where she was hit by a Jessica was killed instantly, and it to realize you shouldn’t text as if uncertain whether we were Witnesses say after the victim bus and violently thrown into the entire Penn State community while you’re walking—I mean even talking to him. ran into the pole, she lost her the air, landing approximately will be mourning the loss of such texting?” This revelation comes as a shock balance and stumbled into the thirteen feet from the impact. a young and bright student. On to absolutely every human over 10 years old: “Seriously, it’s 2012. How does this happen?” inquires Alex Dufford (senior - Business “Chartreuse Out” against child abuse a failure Ethics), despite the fact that he BY PETER HOHMAN himself only became aware of PHOLLEGIAN EDITOR | @HOHMANSAPIEN breast cancer after seeing NFL players wearing pink shoes last Penn State’s planned “Chartreuse week Out” on Saturday led to the lowest Others have embraced Fina’s home game attendance at Beaver ignorance. Among them is breast Stadium in thirteen years, according cancer survivor Virginia Gehmen to Penn State administration. The (senior - citizen), born in a time event, which was designed to raise when people named their children awareness for child abuse, drew a after states for some reason. crowd of only 68,000. “Frankly, I never saw the point of “I was going to go to the game, Breast Cancer Awareness Month but then I realized I didn’t have until now,” Gehmen remarked last any chartreuse clothing. Actually, week. “I just thought everyone I realized I didn’t even know what Photo by Nick Miller kind of knew, but it appears there’s chartreuse was. Is it a color?” said The few students who managed to figure out what color chartreuse was before the game. still much more work to be done.” freshman Alison Hanlin. “Or is it Organizations nationwide a texture, like corduroy?” similar to brown, and others even was the only one of my friends who campus is a safe place for children. have collected over $3,000,000 “Yeah, I’m not really sure what positing that it referred to a type knew what color it was.” Any failure of the ‘Chartreuse dedicated solely to targeting chartreuse is... I want to say it’s a of headdress. Even among those The failure of the “Chartreuse Out’ was due to a simple lack Fina and making him aware of shade of orange? I decided ‘better who attended the game, only a few Out” has led outsiders to suspect of knowledge of colors beyond breast cancer. Various tactics are safe than sorry’ and I just decided actually knew what chartreuse was. that the University is not properly the ROYGBIV spectrum,” said under consideration, including not to go,” said sophomore Andrew “I’m pretty sure that there was a committed to protecting children, Erickson. “And to help prevent but not limited to Phollegian Weinstein. green-yellow puppy on Blue’s Clues but Rodney Erickson refuted that anything like this ever again, I’m articles, planting cancer cells Other students gave similar reasons named Chartreuse,” said freshman claim in a press conference early happy to announce that our next in the breasts of Fina’s mother, for not going to the game, with some Ryan Danton. “And yeah, that Sunday morning. home game will be a ‘Puce Out’ and having someone repeatedly guessing that chartreuse is a shade character was introduced when I was “Penn State could not be more to help support elementary art skywrite “BREAST CANCER IS of red, some believing it was a hue like fourteen, but don’t judge me. I dedicated to making sure that our education.” A THING” until he picks up on it. Nonpartisan fact-check Joe Paterno’s bones to be reveals Obama is a lizard displayed next to Old Coaly’s BY PETER HOHMAN after a while,” said sophomore BY BLAISE THOMAS conditions that would not be PHOLLEGIAN EDITOR | @HOHMANSAPIEN Kevin Jobs. “I mean, it can’t be MANAGING EDITOR | @BLAISEOFTHOMAS covered under Romney’s proposed creepier than that statue made out health care plans, despite repeated Approximately one year after of plumbing sealant in Art Alley, With only days to go before claims to the contrary. firing late football coach Joe at least. As long as the keep his the general election, nonpartisan Additionally, the President’s Paterno, the Penn State Board of glasses on his skeleton, it will website Factcheck.org has released repeated assertions that Governor Trustees has announced a plan to even look cool.” the latest in its series of Presidential Romney’s five trillion dollar tax display his remains in the HUB “I think this is a terrible idea,” Debate fact checks. While many plan would be paid for by the by former mascot Old Coaly’s said alumnus Elizabeth Kahn. of the points are repeated from middle class is not entirely true as skeleton. “If anything, they should put the prior debates, this third fact-check independent studies have shown “After Coach Paterno passed, statue back up in the HUB. Or just more completely exposes Mitt that it can be possible under there was a lot of confusion over reinstate the name ‘Joegies.’ I’m Romney’s clever interpretation certain circumstances for Romney the best way to recognize his canceling my alumni association of unemployment numbers, and Photo by Nick Miller to avoid raising taxes. The same legacy. Ultimately, we felt that it membership if I have to walk past corrects the commonly held notion The 1st lizard president, study went on to exonerate Obama was too tainted by scandal to leave a human corpse every time I come that President Barack Obama is not according to Factcheck.org.