The Great Indoors Omar Mouallem was sent to WEM for three days and three nights with one rule: He wasn’t allowed to leave. illustration by Isabelle Cardinal >>Day One change sheets particularly unsettling. But, hey, “Papa” Jacob Ghermezian and his sons created The Fantasyland Hotel elevator is a particularly it’s my home. a “world within a world.” In the third year they chatty one. Everyone has one pressing question: At least for the next 72 hours. And West added rollercoasters, in the fourth dolphins, What’s your theme? Edmonton Mall is my neighbourhood. Chapters, sharks and submarines, in the fifth palm trees. “Truck room,” I tell the man wearing the lan- my library. Cinnzeo, my cafe. T&T Supermarket, And more was added until they saw everything yard from any of today’s four conferences. my grocer. Market Mini Mart, my post office. they had made and, behold, it was very good. “How’s your son like it?” Wild West shooting range, my therapy. Every- Now every stone tile is steeped with the I don’t have kids. I sleep alone, in the back of thing is mine for the using, except for the doors memories of 650 million visitors. Dare yourself a dented yellow half-ton and have to remember to the outside world. to recall your earliest Mall memory and you’ve to turn off all the traffic lights before I go to It sounds absurd, sure, but the Mall is already probably found one as vivid as your current bed. My carpet is made up of cartoon semis and sitting on residential zoning permits and, surroundings. stop signs. It would be my childhood fantasy according to its brochures, on busy days it out- After unpacking, I went to find mine by the if it weren’t for the wall-to-wall ceiling mirrors populates Red Deer, the province’s third-largest old iron whale, where on Boxing Day 1989, and four-person jacuzzi. This makes watching city with 90,000 residents. It’s been Edmonton’s four-year-old me couldn’t resist hiding in the cleaning ladies hoist themselves into my bed to most revered and jeered place since 1981, when whale’s mouth when my mother turned her back. >> 42 avenue FEBRUARY.13 I panicked when I realized I didn’t have a Jiminy and Gretzky traded his long johns for Bermuda Kaylin, when I ask him why the Mall is so polar- Cricket to lead me to back to her. We were even- shorts. The city’s stature shrunk. It became izing. But, says the second-year anthropology tually united, but when I seek out the scene of Deadmonton. The “Boiler Room” of Canada, student, it’s urban, cosmopolitan and ultimately my first memory I’m not so lucky. The entire area according to Mordecai Richler in the New York the only thing outsiders believe makes Edmon- where the whale once stood has been gentrified Times. The “cultural deprivation tank of Edmon- ton special. by Victoria’s Secret’s honey-I’ll-wait-here lounge. ton,” snidely retorted Rolling Stone. Saying “City “We’re always kind of like” — rolling his eyes How’d I miss this? It’s not my first visit in 23 of Champions” with a straight face became an dramatically — “‘ugh, the Mall.’ But, secretly, we years. Not even my first this month. Though I acting exercise. Now, all that’s left from those love it.” once marveled at the Mall, it’s become so com- fortable that photographing a shipwrecked Santa >>Day Three Maria replica feels like taking pictures of my liv- Given that there’s a snowstorm outside, jog- ing room for insurers. Yet only now do I notice ging the perimeter of the mall in shorts seems someone’s replacing the furniture. perfectly normal to my neighbours. The culprits are a hardhat-wearing army that I run from Bed Bath and Beyond, and be- deploys after the escalators have gone to bed yond. Through Chinatown and past the bingo and all that sounds are baby breaths of ceiling hall few know about. I don’t catch a single cackle vents. This “revitalization” (the same word ap- or stare until — where else? — Europa Boule- plied to the resuscitating of the same downtown vard. But the eyes are far away, behind a window The Journal of Pop Culture accused the mall of “Though I once on the mysterious third floor, where a shadow devouring) started two years ago and, for the marveled at the Mall, of a figure watches over the world. It so happens next three, they’ll use their weapons of mass that it’s my next stop. renovation to reapply the lustre that every shiny it’s become so After washing and changing, I step inside a new toy inevitably loses. But this doll’s new outfit comfortable that gold elevator, which takes me above Professor is conspicuously chic. photographing a WEM’s Adventure Golf to the steakhouse-brown offices of Triple Five Group, one of the wealthiest >>Day Two shipwrecked Santa companies on the continent. Meet my new neighbours, Scott and Dallas. Maria replica feels At first, I’m not convinced the view — rows I found them on the painted coastline of the like taking pictures of of beige houses sucked into the white horizon World Waterpark, or as they call it, “$20 Mexico” by the snow-covered shingles — isn’t a Group (an early-bird special). They’ve called this place my living room for insurers.” of Seven painting. But the architecture of these a semi-regular resort ever since it was “$15.95 three-bedroom, two-bathroom houses is too re- Mexico.” Scott, in beach shorts and flip-flops, cent. It’s certainly not the background I thought shaded by the snow piled on the skylight, says, glory years is the Mall, sitting in our city like it would inspire a family of Iranian carpet dealers “It’s the best kept secret.” does our psyche, taking up 5.3 million square to build a billion-dollar multinational conglom- That’s right, the world’s largest indoor water metres of the collective consciousness. erate with a financial portfolio as diverse as the park is a secret apparently, hidden behind the And even its stature has shrunk too, not just Mall itself. retail that’s now the Mall’s No. 1 attraction. by the placcid megamalls of China that have As I wait for David Ghermezian in the But if you know the local lore, then you’ve heard made regaining the “biggest mall” title a near boardroom, I’m supervised by a portrait of Papa of actual secrets here, burrowing inside the impossibility, but our own loss of pride. Are we in a black suit, black hat and a commemorative fabled tunnels. embarrassed that our defining monument — our medal for the 125th Anniversary of the Confed- Homeless youth, the so-called mall rats, used Empire State Building, our Great Pyramid — is eration of Canada. I wonder what he’d think of to come to Marketplace Chapel for a cup of a shrine to commercialism? It wasn’t always so. the contemporary tiles with angelic snowflake coffee with some room for dreams, but Chap- The Mall was born in a broken home, the designs resting against the window, awaiting lain Sylvia Yachimetz doesn’t see them much post-National Energy Program recession of the an executive decision to finish replacing the Ice anymore. Not since the 2005 brutal murder of 1980s. It wasn’t raised to be a retail powerhouse Palace’s cartoon architecture of the ’90s. Nina Courtepatte. After the 13-year-old was (not with three Tip Top Tailors and four Fair- With Executive Vice-president and childhood lured from the Mall and killed at a nearby golf weathers, it wasn’t) or an urban centre (though friend Jeff Sheckter at his left, David sits at course, security put tighter restrictions on teen it’s the only place you’re guaranteed shoulder- the head of the table, his Prada belt buckle and loiterers, she says. The people she sees now come rubbing), but an escape on a budget. To the light jeans contrasting the Jewish orthodox with a different void and they “try to fill it with credit of the Ghermezian grandsons, Don and attire of Papa behind him. Same Oz, new buying things and entertainment,” she says. “It’s David, the high-end makeover will likely help Wizard, and this one’s focused on convincing never satisfied.” the mall pull out of a $500 million debt. Maybe America’s biggest retailers to make their Cana- She’s been here since 1986, when a new theme that’s what’s behind the contempt: The vacuum, dian premieres here. hotel completed the grand design of Papa’s as Sylvia called it, that brings us here for feeding. Like his father, uncle and grandfather before grandeur. The Mall, city and citizens were riding To comprehend Edmontonians’ love-hate him, David isn’t averse to bold claims. “Even high, all of it apparent in our repeated struts to relationship I head to Chinatown, where one though I can’t substantiate it, there are more the Stanley Cup finals. But two years later the naturally finds American Apparel, the arbitrers places in West Edmonton Mall that sell $300- Winter Olympics shifted the spotlight south of insolence. “It’s kind of trashy,” says store clerk plus jeans than anywhere in the world,” he says. >> 44 avenue FEBRUARY.13 She comes here several nights a week, staying until the last bus in service takes her home to downtown.