20Th Anniversary Issue!

Special 20th Anniversary Issue!

TEXAS WINTER / SPRING 2016 SINCE 1996

YEARS

Top 20 Amicable Celebrity Divorces Should You End Your Marriage? How to Choose a Divorce Lawyer The World’s First Divorce School Tips for Successful Co-Parenting Fight Depression and Thrive

Table of Contents | .com Directorywww.DivorceMagazine.com | 1 Introducing

No one goes to school for divorce, Free. Practical. Transformative. but every divorcing person should. Get ready for two months of free education and Introducing the world’s first Divorce School – a inspiration! In April, May, and June, you’ll have unlim- unique online learning center where divorce profes- ited access to all Divorce School podcasts and videos sionals and divorced people will share their exper- anytime you want, day or night. Our mission is to tise and experience through videos and podcasts. empower you to make better choices before, during, and after divorce; we’ll teach you how to use your Get answers to these questions – and many more: divorce as a catalyst for life-changing transformation. • How do I choose a divorce lawyer? • Will I get half of everything? Join now for free! • Should I keep or sell the family home? If divorce is on your doorstep – or if you’re still dealing • How are child and spousal support calculated? with issues during or after divorce – you can’t afford • Is sole or joint custody best for my children? to miss this online Divorce School! Join now at www. • How can I heal from divorce? TheDivorceSchool.com/divorce-school-participant

The Divorce School is a brand-new initiative in celebration of Divorce Magazine’s and www.DivorceMagazine.com’s 20th anniversary.

Table of Contents | .com Directory | 2 contents... Special Features 18 5 Divorce Magazine Celebrates 20 Years of Serving the Divorce Community Here’s a look back at what has changed – and what has remained the same – over the last 20 years. 36 Announcing The Divorce School! On April 1, you can attend an online learning center for those considering, going through, or moving on 26 after divorce. 43 Survey Results How long do most people think about divorce before taking action? Several years, according to a recent Divorce Magazine survey. 44 Top 20 Amicable Celebrity Divorces We’ve chosen 20 civilized celebrity divorces from the 44 last 20 years to inspire you to take the high road. Preparing for Divorce

8 Should You End Your Marriage? Children and Divorce Key questions to ask yourself before deciding whether to stay in your marriage or get a divorce. 26 5 Rules for Introducing a New Partner to Your Children 16 Choosing How to Divorce Introducing your new love interest too soon might One of the fi rst decisions you’ll need to make is complicate, delay, or damage your children’s healing which process to use to resolve your divorce issues: process after divorce. litigation, mediation, or collaboration. 30 Tips for Successful Co-Parenting Legal Issues There are ways to make co-parenting more eff ective for the parents and easier on the kids. Here are some 18 How to Choose a Divorce Lawyer tips for successful cooperative parenting after divorce. Here are the 17 questions you should ask to fi nd the right lawyer to represent you. Health and Well-Being

20 5 Rules for Successfully Negotiating a 32 7 Ways to Fight Depression and Thrive After Divorce Settlement Divorce Going back on a negotiated term in your divorce When life hands you lemons, you can complain about settlement could have costly ramifi cations – and it how awful they are – or you can sprinkle sugar on could ultimately kill the agreement. them, add water, and enjoy a sweet lemonade. The Financial Issues choice is yours. 38 7 Ways to Make Room for Spiritual Healing 11 7 Signs Your Spouse Is a Spendaholic Here’s how to make room for spiritual and emotional “Compulsive Buying Disorder” has the potential to healing after divorce. create great emotional and fi nancial distress, both of which can wreak havoc on a marriage. Local Divorce Guide 22 Tax Tips and Traps Wheteher you’re separated or newly divorced, you 25a Common Divorce Questions should get some good fi nancial advice about how taxes could aff ect you. 33 Your Best Online Resources

Table of Contents | .com Directory www.divorcemag.com | 3 DIVORCE MAGAZINE’S NORTH AMERICAN

DIVORCE MAGAZINE’S NORTH AMERICA

866.803.6667 Advisory Board CEO/Publisher Dan Couvre e, Ext. 124 Divorce Magazine would like to thank the following members of our danc@divorcemarke nggroup.com Advisory Board for their help in making www.DivorceMagazine.com and Editorial Divorce Magazine such valuable resources for our readers. Diana Shepherd, Ext. 131 diana@divorcemarke nggroup.com John Ma as, Ext. 129 Patricia M. Barbarito is Shannon P. Pratt (CFA, john@divorcemarke nggroup.com a Certified Matrimonial FASA, ARM, ABAR, MCBC, Avital Borisovsky, Ext. 135 Attorney and Managing CM&AA) is a well-known avital@divorcemarke nggroup.com Partner in the New Jersey authority in the field of Advertising Sales law firm of Einhorn Harris. business valuation; he has Dan Couvre e, Ext. 124 She is a fellow of the written numerous books danc@divorcemarke nggroup.com American Academy of articulating many of the Aleks Krawczyk, Ext. 126 aleks@divorcemarke nggroup.com Matrimonial Lawyers and a former chair key concepts used in modern business Peter Smith, Ext. 128 of the Family Law Section of the New valuation around the world. The CEO of peter@divorcemarke nggroup.com Jersey State Bar Association. Shannon Pratt Valuations, Inc., he has (973) 627-7300 been performing valuation engagements Marketing/Client Services Martha Chan, Ext. 136 [email protected] for more than 40 years. marthac@divorcemarke nggroup.com www.EinhornHarris.com (503) 716-8532 Manos Filippou, Ext. 141 [email protected] manos@divorcemarke nggroup.com Joy Feinberg is a part- www.shannonpratt.com Tanoya Greaves, Ext. 125 tanoya@divorcemarke nggroup.com ner at Boyle & Feinberg, Shaganaa Sivaloganathan, Ext. 133 a Chicago family law firm. J. Lindsey Short Jr. has shaganaa@divorcemarke nggroup.com She has contributed chap- been Board Certified in David Bareno, Ext. 123 ters to Illinois Family Law family law since 1980, david@divorcemarke nggroup.com Chris an Bareno, Ext. 137 and Illinois Child Custody served as president of chris an@divorcemarke nggroup.com Litigation; she also the American Academy authored a tax chapter on divorce. She of Matrimonial Lawyers Art Director/Production/Webmaster Gina Tan, Ext. 130 is a past-president of the Illinois chapter in 2002, and is a past gina@divorcemarke nggroup.com of the American Academy of Matrimonial President of the Texas Chapter of the Accounting/Office Administration Lawyers. Joy works extensively with AAML and a founding member of the Bruce Cowen, Ext. 122 business owners and high-paid execu- International Academy of Matrimonial bruce@divorcemarke nggroup.com tives going through divorces. Lawyers, U.S.A. chapter. Cyndy Robleto, Ext. 121 (312) 376-8860 (713) 626-3345 cyndy@divorcemarke nggroup.com [email protected] [email protected] The printed edition of Divorce Magazine is published www.boylefeinbergfamilylaw.com www.shortcartermorris.com once a year by Segue Esprit Inc. The digital version is published twice a year and is available for free download on www.DivorceMagazine.com. All rights Hon. Michele F. Lowrance Marjorie A. Slabach pre- reserved. Contents may not be reproduced without written permission. The magazine is not responsible (Ret.) was a domestic sided over a Family Court for unsolicited material. relations lawyer for 20 in San Francisco Superior Subscriptions are available for $25.99 (2 issues/2 years prior to becoming a Court from 1997 to 2011. years) or $35.99 (3 issues/3 years). To subscribe, send your name, address, and a check/money order to: domestic relations judge Prior to serving on the Divorce Magazine in the circuit court of bench, she was a found- 2255B Queen St. E., #1179 Toronto, ON M4E 1G3 Canada Cook County, Illinois for ing partner in a family 19 years. She is currently a mediator for law firm in Santa Rosa, CA. Specializing Warning/Disclaimer Articles in this magazine are only guidelines and may Domestic Relations cases at JAMS. in Judicial Settlement Conferences or not apply to your situation. They do not take the place Michele is the author of the book The Mediation, Commissioner Slabach trav- of a lawyer, accountant, therapist, etc. For professional advice, you must seek counsel from the appropriate Good Karma Divorce and co-author of els to clients for meetings, conferences, professional. The authors, editor, and publisher shall Parental Alienation 911 Workbook. hearings, and trials. have neither liability nor responsibility to any person with respect to loss or damage caused directly or indi- (312) 655-0555 (888) 501-3062 rectly by information contained in this magazine. [email protected] [email protected] California ISSN: 1492-2045 www.michelelowrance.com www.mslabach.com Illinois ISSN: 1481-9163 NJ ISSN: 1719-363X Printed in Canada

Table of Contents | .com Directory www.divorcemag.com | 4 TEXAS FAMILY LAW ATTORNEYS

www.loughmillerhiggins.com • 972-529-5554

Experienced Divorce Attorneys Dedicated to Helping You Navigate Your Legal Roadmap

Built On a Founda on of Noble Hallmarks A merger between two talented a orneys, Loughmiller Higgins, P.C., is an experienced law fi rm providing services to families and individuals throughout North Texas. Partners Brian Loughmiller and Eric Higgins have built their fi rm on a founda on of fi ve hallmark principles: integrity, compassion, advocacy, community involvement, and quality legal representa on. It is with these cornerstone values in mind that Loughmiller Higgins approaches the prac ce of law and advocates for each of their clients.

Solu ons Tailored to Your Individual Goals Just as every family is unique, so, too, is each divorce. The team at Loughmiller Higgins recognizes the importance of considering the needs and goals of each client to reach a work- able solu on. The strongest a orney-client rela onships are based on trust, which is why Loughmiller Higgins openly discusses the reali es of divorce as well as the various approaches and outcomes you may choose to pursue. They can help you fi nd realis c resolu ons for Loughmiller Higgins, P.C. is a Tex- your complex divorce issues based on your personal objec ves. as law fi rm focused primarily on family law and divorce-related Success Fueled By Prepara on & Eff ec ve Nego a on concerns, off ering outstanding There is more to successful divorce nego a on than being well versed in the law. The services to clients in the North a orneys at Loughmiller Higgins believe a combina on of thorough prepara on and eff ec ve Dallas area and throughout the nego a on is essen al to obtaining results for their clients. Loughmiller Higgins understands DFW Metroplex including Col- the value of media on or collabora ve divorce as methods of alterna ve dispute resolu on, lin County, Dallas County, Den- especially in cases involving children; however, the team is always prepared to take your case ton County, Grayson County, to trial if necessary. and Tarrant County, and ci es such as Plano, Frisco, Allen, The Over 47 Years of Combined Legal Experience Colony, Denton, Lewisville, Car- With an impressive track record and more than 47 years of combined experience, the legal rollton, Dallas, Flower Mound, team at Loughmiller Higgins knows how to solve tough problems and resolve diffi cult dis- Prosper, Garland, Richardson, putes. Mr. Loughmiller is a Cer fi ed Family Law Specialist* and has authored legal ar cles Sherman, Addison, Coppell, on the subjects of child custody and divorce. However, the a orneys at Loughmiller Higgins South Lake, Grapevine, Fair- do not rest idly on their past accomplishments; they ac vely research any legisla ve changes view, and Fort Worth. that may impact your divorce case. (*Cer fi ed by the Texas Board of Legal Specializa on.)

Financially Savvy A orneys Equipped to Deal with Complex Divorce Ma ers Property division is one of the many complex aspects of divorce that you should only trust Loughmiller Higgins, P.C. to an experienced legal professional. The a orneys at Loughmiller Higgins deliver an accu- 6401 South Custer Road rate valua on of your marital assets, property, debt, and other factors that may impact your Suite 2000 property se lement, such as employee benefi ts, stock op ons, pensions and re rement McKinney, TX 75070 accounts. They work with various experts, including inves gators, real estate appraisers, (972) 529-5554 business valua on specialists and accountants, to ensure an accurate analysis of your marital [email protected] assets. Their me culous eye for fi nancial analysis sets Loughmiller Higgins apart from other www.loughmillerhiggins.com law fi rms in the DFW Metroplex area.

Table of Contents | .com Directory A S A F specialfeature

Divorce Magazine Turns

www.DivorceMagazine.com

magazine

FREE! Please take How to make clearer, stronger this copy choices, and increase your with you happiness after divorce.

Divorce Magazine and DivorceMagazine.com were launched simultaneously in March 1996. Here’s a look at what’s changed – and what has remained the same – over the last 20 years. By Diana Shepherd

n the summer of 1995, Dan themselves and for their families. The children (aged five, six, and seven), Couvrette and I started dreaming of idea grew out of two divorces: Dan’s and I had no idea how to become a Istarting a new magazine: one that from his first wife, and my then-fian- good stepmother – which included would help separated and divorced cé Greg’s from his first wife. When dealing with his ex-wife as well as spouses make better decisions for we first met, Greg had three young his children.

Table of Contents | .com Directory www.divorcemag.com/divorce-recovery | 5 We were desperate for information The World’s First Divorce it is hard – emotionally, financially, and about everything from legal and financial Magazine practically. This is not a decision to take issues to emotional recovery and step- On March 16, 1996, we published the lightly! But if ending your marriage is parenting questions – and we figured first issue of Divorce Magazine. Since truly the right action, then there are bad we’d be in the same boat as a million Greg was a computer programmer with ways and good ways to accomplish this other separated and divorced people. an interest in the Internet, he created goal. The bad ways will leave you and Having both worked in magazine the first DivorceMagazine.com web- your family emotionally and financially publishing for many years, Dan and I site – which was a whopping 12 pages bankrupt, and possibly damage your chil- were shocked to discover that no one was long – at the same time. It was received dren for life. Our magazine and website providing a “one-stop shop” for people with gratitude by the divorcing public were based on teaching couples how to struggling with divorce. There were a – and with some outrage from people go through the process without burning handful of books, but each one only who had never actually seen a copy of through their families’ resources fighting covered one topic: legal or emotional, the magazine, but who were sure we to the death over every issue – and, just

www.DivorceMagazine.com www.DivorceMagazine.com www.DivorceMagazine.com www.DivorceMagazine.com WINTER/SPRING 2012 SINCE 1996 SUMMER/FALL 2009 SINCE 1996 WINTER/SPRING 2009 SINCE 1996 SUMMER/FALL 2010 SINCE 1996

Will my child The be OK? Good

How will Karma I manage? Divorce How is your financial health? The debate on 50/50 child access Your Parting Words Divorce, Managing Boot Camp for the Changing your divorce decree Fighting Parental Ready to give up your baggage? Recession Style Alienation Broken-Hearted Negative Help your children adjust to divorce Getting Divorce? First Thing First It’s Your Life, Take Charge! Thoughts Making Your Case for Spousal Support Safe Harbor for Questions Children Ask Your Financial Future The Divorce Process The Mediation Alternative How to Work with Your Advice In the Best Interest of the Child Divorce Lawyer from Two Judges FREE! Transforming Grief Music Legend Dan Hill FREE! www.blogsondivorce.com · www.facebook.com/divorcemagazine · www.twitter.com/divorcemagazine FREE! The Art of Negotiation FREE! Talks Relationships

www.DivorceMagazine.com www.DivorceMagazine.com www.DivorceMagazine.com SUMMER/FALL 2012 SINCE 1996 SUMMER/FALL 2011 SINCE 1996 SUMMER/FALL 2015 SINCE 1996

15th Anniversary Issue Your Whose Divorce Art & Fault Divorce Stories Is It Focus on the Judges: Changes as Seen Anyway? in Divorce Courts Over the last 15 years Future – Not

Once You’ve Told the Past Your Children about Your Divorce Divorce Recovery Your Divorce Team Vicmhood After the Cheating The First Legal Steps Negoang Your Financial Avoiding Charting Living Expenses Selement Financial Landmines Designing a Parenting Plan 6 Tips for a Peaceful Divorce Divorce FAQs FREE! Healing From Rejection Your Divorce Art Creating the New You FREE! and Stories FREE!

www.blogsondivorce.com · www.facebook.com/divorcemagazine · www.twitter.com/divorcemagazine www.blogsondivorce.com • www.facebook.com/divorcemagazine • www.twitter.com/divorcemagazine www.divorcemag.com/blog • www.facebook.com/divorcemagazine • www.twitter.com/divorcemagazine Table of Contents | .com Directory | 1

The artwork for the first covers were original paintings by Canadian artist Geoffrey Bonnycastle (see page 5, first three covers). Publisher Dan Couvrette has also contributed original artwork to the magazine: the “Your Divorce Art & Stories” cover (above, left) is one of Dan’s paintings. financial or children’s issues. Since we were encouraging people to leave their as importantly, how to help themselves couldn’t find what we needed on news- spouses for the “delights” of divorce. and their children recover emotionally stands – and the Internet was still so new Of course, nothing could be further after divorce. to consumers that there was nothing use- from the truth: we have always encour- ful to be found there – we decided to cre- aged people to try to save their marriage Expert Advice and Support ate the magazine and website we needed before deciding on divorce. Anyone who During the last two decades, we have to read. has been through a divorce knows that sought out experts who would not

Table of Contents | .com Directory www.divorcemag.com/divorce-recovery | 6 Table of Contents | .com Directory www.DivorceMagazine.com

FALL/WINTER 2014 SINCE 1996

from child support and custody to We accomplish this mission by provid- legal and financial issues to infidelity ing expert advice, quality information, Handling your and divorce recovery. (For more infor- and community support at no charge Four Divorces: mation, please see “Announcing The to those who are considering divorce, the legal, financial, Divorce School!” starting on page 36.) separated, or divorced. Twenty years social, and Social media has become an ago, we started with a vision of a world emotional important tool for staying in touch where divorcing people could use the with our readers – and reaching new experience to grow as human beings, to Divorce Dispute Resolution readers as they start their divorce jour- support each other in co-parenting their Managing your Reputation neys. Our social media pages (includ- children, and to end their marriages with Financial Divorce Preparation ing Facebook and Twitter) currently kindness and compassion. Protecting Children from Conflict FREE! Coping with Holidays have 30,000 followers. Although society has come a long way down this road in 20 years, we

www.blogsondivorce.com • www.facebook.com/divorcemagazine • www.twitter.com/divorcemagazine Towards Amicable Divorce still have some distance to go before | 1 Two decades ago, the only divorce sto- all divorces are like this. Until we get ries the media covered were extremely there, you can count on us to keep on shame or blame readers, but rather negative: “The Divorce from Hell” helping to make the lives of divorcing offer helpful advice and tips to help being a good example of the kind of individuals and their families better – them through what is one of the most headline you might find in your local both short- and long-term.  challenging and stressful periods in magazine or newspaper. We are proud anyone’s life. We found respected to have been part of the paradigm shift lawyers, mediators, judges, financial away from that toxic viewpoint towards Diana Shepherd is the co- professionals, therapists, and parent- civilized, amicable divorce that did not founder and editorial ing experts who would share their best leave families emotionally and finan- director of Divorce advice with our readers. cially bankrupt. Magazine. She is proud to Today, we continue to search Divorce Magazine’s mission has have had the privilege of out the best and the brightest in their always been to have divorce be civi- serving this community fields to provide this guidance to our lized, amicable, and transformational. for two decades. readers – both in the magazine and on our website. Recently, we have expanded our offerings to allow readers to support each other through our blog (www.DivorceMag.com/Blog) as well as through the wildly-popular divorce-related blogging site, www. DivorcedMoms.com. We invite you to visit both and check out the expert advice as well as blogs by separated and divorced people just like you. Since we don’t believe in resting on our laurels, we launched Family Lawyer Magazine, a trade publica- tion aimed at divorce professionals, in 2012. Today, we also offer 10 unique Divorce Guides, a monthly eNewsletter, as well as a family of divorce-related websites – including ChildrenAndDivorceGuide.com and MoneyAndDivorceGuide.com. To help celebrate our 20th anniversary of serving this community, we’re launching The Divorce School on April 1st. This online learning center will allow visitors to watch videos and listen to podcasts about divorce-related issues – everything

Table of Contents | .com Directory www.divorcemag.com/preparing-for-divorce | 7 preparingfordivorce

Should You End Your Marriage?

If you’re wrestling with the question of whether to stay in or to leave your marriage, here are the key questions to ask yourself.

By Dr. Joy Dryer, Clinical Psychologist and Divorce Coach

he decision of whether to stay in or to leave your relationship is like wrestling with an alligator: it can throw Tyou to the ground as you try to grab hold of it. Just the process of deciding can leave you panting and exhausted on the ground. And, the decision has sharp teeth (consequences) too. That can be scary. While books have been written about this decision process, I’m oﬀ ering a 1-2-3 framework to help guide you in your own, personal decision process. Here are three sets of questions to ask yourself before deciding to leave your marriage. 1. Do you know yourself? Know your partner? Do you really want to leave? I get it that you may feel exhausted with the power struggles, the criticisms, the disagreements, or even screams, about every little thing. That you feel lonely in bed at night, with no reach out, no snuggle, no warmth, and thus no intimacy, let alone sex. These are good reasons to feel sad, disappointed, lonely, anguished... but not good enough reasons to separate or divorce. The above issues are all fixable if you both are willing to work at it. So… Ask yourself: Am I reacting to my partner? Do I notice the sun- light catching a wave in his/her hair? Remember that small smile?

.../Continued on page 10

Table of Contents | .com Directory www.divorcemag.com/considering-divorce | 8 Your Best Online Resource

Visit www.DivorceMagazine.com – the best online resource for divorce-related articles, FAQs, podcasts, and videos.

Since 1996, www.DivorceMagazine.com has been helping separated couples make it through divorce with their children, ﬁ nances, dignity, and mental/physical health intact.

Today, DivorceMagazine.com offers thousands of pages of useful articles, FAQs, podcasts, videos, blog posts, interactive features, and a directory of divorce professionals and services – including family lawyers, divorce ﬁ nancial analysts, accountants, therapists, and others who can help guide you through this transition.

The DivorceMagazine.com Blog features posts by experts as well as by individuals coping with the challenges of separation and divorce. It’s a great new source of support and advice as you make your way through divorce into a new life.

You’ll ﬁ nd articles and resources to help you understand:

• Child Support and Custody • Finding Divorce Professionals • Spousal Support (Alimony) • Co-Parenting Issues • Division of Assets • Managing Anger and Grief • Legal and Financial Issues • Rebuilding a Life You’ll Love • How to Get a Divorce

• Dispute-Resolution Methods YEARS Table of Contents | .com Directory | 9 [2] Gottman, John M, Ph.D., The Seven Deciding to end is not said in Principles for Making Marriage Work (2nd Ed., 2015)

the heat of an argument or Dr. Joy Dryer (Ph.D.) is in private practice because you are exhausted wearing three hats: Clinical Psychologist/ Psychoanalyst working and don’t know what else to do. with individuals & couples; divorce professional working as Collaborative Do I still appreciate his/her sense Bottom line: How “partnered up” Divorce Coach/Consultant/Mediator/ of humor or practical grounded- do you feel? Parent Coordinator; and a supervisor ness? Does my heart still skip a of Psychology graduate students/for- wee beat at the sound of his/her 3. Have you tried everything? mer Adjunct Associate Professor of voice or steps at the front door? Or Have you worked for several Psychology at NYU. no, that’s all gone (or never was months – not two or three sessions www.divorcecoachny.com there). Be honest: do you answer – with an experienced couples Yes to any of these questions? therapist to find out why you are in defensive mode, how you got to the Related Articles 2. Have you had a true partnership? place of Protect Me First/Attack the Were you a “we,” an “us,” or just Other, and what is your part in that Divorce Versus the Unhappy two individuals cohabiting? co-created space? No blame, no Marriage Did you have a secure, function- shame. But do you own your part in If you’re thinking about getting a ing relationship, but fell off that the relationship troubles? divorce, here are the signs to look wagon into distrust? Did you make out for before making that decision. agreements and keep your word? Questions Answered www.divorcemag.com/articles/ Secure attachment in a couple’s So, if you’ve honestly answered these divorce-versus-the-unhappy- relationship is the hallmark of questions, then you can genuinely say marriage what we PACT (Psychobiologic your reason for wanting to separate or Approach to Couples Therapy[1]) divorce is for the only one real rea- Are You Addicted to Your therapists consider our most impor- son: that is, to end the relationship. The Relationship? tant goal. Having a true partner- decision to end is not a threat, a strategy You know you’re better off leaving ship, a “couple bubble,” is being to get him/her to change, a punishment your partner, but something is able to awaken your partner at 3 (e.g., for that affair, for being mean...), keeping you from moving on. Here a.m. to be comforted after a night- to prove you are right about...whatever, are the reasons why people stay in mare. You have each other’s backs. to draw attention to your pain, or to addictive relationships. Your relationship highlights sensi- react to this or that issue. Deciding to www.divorcemag.com/articles/ tivity, mutuality, and safety (above end is not said in the heat of an argu- addicted-to-the-relationship all else). ment or because you are exhausted and Are you saying that description don’t know what else to do. Should I Stay or Should I Go is unfamiliar? That you protect and Okay. You are calm and rational. Now? take care of only yourself, with lit- You’re ready to decide. You can now Are you staying married “for the tle trust that the other will take care consider how to approach your partner sake of the children”? If so, you of you? You’ve likely been more – so do you wish to discuss: should know that this can actually critical, judgmental toward the a. taking a temporary break, lead to more problems for your other, more negative than positive. b. separating, or kids than if you had a low-conflict You’ve been protecting Self and c. divorcing? divorce. attacking the Other, basically in Each is a more escalated, final www.divorcemag.com/blog/should- defensive mode. John Gottman’s[2] step – so be sure before you initiate the i-stay-or-should-i-go-now- research outlines four toxic behav- discussion.  iors that flag a sinking relationship: criticism, defensiveness, stone- [1] Tatkin, Stan, Psy.D., Wired for Love walling, and worst of all, contempt. (2010)

Table of Contents | .com Directory www.divorcemag.com/considering-divorce | 10 713-626-3345 713-626-0208

Experience. Integrity. J. Lindsey Short Patricia Carter Adam Morris Candice B. Deyerle Dedication.

Lauren F. Durso Jennifer Wells Stacey A. Laﬁ e Giovanna Schillaci Michel Panaretos

Excellence in large marital estates, complex Lawyer” (2013–2014) a Thomson Reuter service appearing in property and contested custody Texas Monthly magazine (2005–2012), Adam J. Morris special- Short•Carter•Morris is a Houston fi rm of outstanding a orneys izes in cases involving complex marital estates. prac cing family law exclusively. Commi ed to helping people facing diffi cult family challenges, they handle a wide range of Short•Carter•Morris and its team of family law a orneys are family law ma ers statewide, with many clients from Southeast recognized by the legal community for their results and dedica- Texas and the Greater Houston Area. on. As experienced nego ators and li gators, they zealously pursue your best interests. This team of family law a orneys has extensive experience in all family law ma ers, par cularly high net-worth divorce and A successful track record in complex property high-confl ict custody ma ers. Their experience in divorce cases division involving large marital estates, complex property issues, and It is important in any divorce to hire an experienced lawyer famil- contested custody disputes sets them apart. iar with Texas law and court procedures. That is especially true when dealing with complex property division and child custody The experienced lawyers you need for your issues. Short•Carter•Morris has extensive experience with large divorce marital estates and complex property issues, the division of A orney J. Lindsey Short, Jr., one of the fi rm’s founders, has over re rement funds, investment assets, hidden assets and alimony. 40 years of family law experience, and is board cer fi ed in family law by the Texas Board of Legal Specializa on since 1980. He Highly respected nego ators and trial a orneys is a past president of the American Academy of Matrimonial Whether you need quality representa on in the nego a on of Lawyers, has been named a “Super Lawyer“, a Thomson Reuter your fi nancial se lement or a strong advocate to fi ght for your service appearing in Texas Monthly magazine, since the incep- custody rights, the a orneys at Short•Carter•Morris can help. on of that honor (2003–2014). Through a fi rm and asser ve approach to nego a ons, their a orneys have achieved quality results for their clients while Patricia Carter has over 16 years of family law experience and avoiding the cost and anxiety of divorce li ga on. In cases that is board cer fi ed in family law by the Texas Board of Legal cannot be resolved by agreement, their experienced trial law- Specializa on. A fellow of the American Academy of Matrimonial yers are always ready to eff ec vely advocate on your behalf to Lawyers, Patricia Carter was named a “Rising Star” (2004–2008) either judge or jury. and “Super Lawyer” (2008–2014), both services of Thomson Reuter appearing in Texas Monthly magazine. Patricia is sought out for her work in contested custody cases and cases involving non-parent par es. (713) 626-3345 · (713) 626-0208 Adam J. Morris is also board cer fi ed in family law by the Texas (713)www.shortcartermorris.com 626-3345 • (713) 626-0208 Board of Legal Specializa on and a fellow of the American 1177www.shortcartermorris.com West Loop S., Suite 700, Houston TX 77027 Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, and he has over 12 years 2441 High Timbers, Suite 230, The Woodlands TX 77380 of family law experience. Named a “Rising Star” and “Super 1177 West Loop S., Suite 700, Houston TX 77027

A S A F Table of Contents | .com Directory financialissues Signs Your Spouse is a Spendaholic 7“Compulsive Buying Disorder” is characterized by poor impulse control. It has the potential to create emotional and financial distress, both of which can wreak havoc on a marriage.

By Peggy L. Tracy, Certified Fraud Examiner

ave you ever noticed that people literally can’t stop buying stuﬀ they don’t or “budget” are usually not part of their can be divided into two groups need from the Home Shopping Channel. lexicon. Both spouses enjoy gathering when it comes to their attitudes You can tell when two savers get toys, traveling frequently, and spending Htowards money? Some people are spend- married. They have a high rate of savings money rather than saving for a rainy day. ers and others are savers. In these two and investments and tend to live on less As long as they continue to make more groups, some people ﬁ t towards the mid- than they earn – putting away money than they spend, money problems have dle of the scale – saving a little more than towards retirement and the occasional a minimal impact on their total finan- they spend, or vice-versa – and some are big-ticket item, such as a car, annual cial picture. When married spenders extreme examples at the far end of either vacation, or home renovation. Credit are living beyond their means, all the spectrum – a millionaire who lives in scores are high and they handle money ingredients are in place for a recipe of a bachelor apartment and shops at the with sensibility and delayed gratification. maxing out credit cards and turning into Dollar Store because he can’t bear to part When two spenders tie the knot, a personal debt disaster. with a dime, or someone who is about to their finances may be a bit more pre- lose their house to the bank because they carious since words like “spending plan” .../Continued on page 13

Table of Contents | .com Directory www.divorcemag.com/ﬁ nancial-issues | 11 Table of Contents | .com Directory | 12 Spendaholic / Continued from page 11 to shopping. She would run up large 1. Your spouse has become a big fan of bills on credit and carefully conceal them the mailman – rushing to bring in the When Spender Met Saver from her husband. On one occasion, she mail the second it arrives. The third scenario is when a saver mar- allegedly purchased 300 pairs of gloves; 2. They conceal shopping habits by hid- ries a spender. Over time, the values the another shopping expedition saw Mrs. ing bags. saver holds dearly will be tested time Lincoln spend $3,000 on jewelry and 3. New, unexplained items show up in and time again. Good luck trying to talk $5,000 on a shawl. She would get an your home. to a spending personality about deferred emotional “high” from spending the 4. Your spouse applies for a credit card satisfaction incurred while accumulating money followed by a depressive reac- without telling you. retirement savings or watching their col- tion when needing to pay. She referred 5. They handle all the household bills lege funds grow over time! It does not to it as “stress relief” from her duties and and make sure you never see them. compute to the spender who is gener- responsibilities as First Lady. 6. There is a new secrecy surrounding ally a person who wants to live in the Many years ago, a potential client money. moment and not forego the current sat- came to see me. He had filed for divorce 7. There are periods of unexplained isfaction they get in the actual process of due to this exact problem. He was not absence. purchasing items. aware his wife had racked up personal It is my experience female spenda- This final scenario is one that I see debt of $40,000 during their marriage; holics tend to buy many small items – often in my work as a forensic accoun- she did everything she could to hide including clothing, shoes, handbags, and tant. In this case, spouses were of a like it from him until the creditors started items for the home and children. Male mind – either savers or spenders – when calling at night and she had to confess. spenders generally purchase fewer, but they first met and married. Over time, They went to counseling and worked larger items – such as motorcycles, cars, one of the parties changed in their money out the underlying issues that were caus- and golf equipment. I worked on one habits and became either a spender or ing her to consistently overspend – or so case where the spouse owned over 39 saver while their spouse remained firm in they thought. Then two years later, he sets of golf clubs. Men also utilize more their original money type. Or sometimes, found out she had put them into large spending money through ATMs and cash the spender was able to control – or hide credit-card debt again. That time, she withdrawals than women; women tend to – their spendthrift tendencies during the used some inheritance money of her get their pocket cash while in the grocery early days of the relationship – but when own to pay it all off and swore it would store or bank. the romance died, so did their reason for never happen again. You see where this One of the main reasons spending controlling their spending. is heading? It happened a third time over is secretive is due to the type of prod- the same eight-year period, and the hus- ucts/services being purchased. If you Shopping Addiction band decided to file for divorce. She was are spending money on bad behavior A study published in the Journal of undermining the future financial security that you cannot afford, that is a double Consumer Research (December 2008) of the family, and he had had enough. whammy to a spouse. Gambling, alco- suggests that as much as 8.9% of our hol/drug dependency, overeating, or population, approximately 25 million Signs You’re Living with an adultery are examples of addictions that Americans, may be considered to be Spendaholic can become out of control. These behav- compulsive shoppers/spenders. This is Some of the signs of living with an over- iors encourage addicted individuals to not an isolated problem and it co-exists spender to be aware of include but are spend more and more, often incurring equally between the genders, according not limited to the following: large credit-card bills and personal debts. to a 2006 study from Stanford University. Psychologists call it “Compulsive Buying Disorder,” which is characterized by poor impulse control. It has the potential to create emotional and financial distress, both of which can wreak havoc on a marriage. Others refer to it as “spendaholism” or being a “shopa- holic.” The long-term consequences can be devastating with broken relationships, job issues, ruined credit history, and general financial troubles extending over a period of time. Abraham Lincoln’s wife, Mary Todd Lincoln, was apparently addicted

Table of Contents | .com Directory www.divorcemag.com/ﬁ nancial-issues | 13 In many cases, spouses are raiding their balances – just continued to open during and after divorce. If you’re the retirement assets of children’s college new accounts. saver in a divorcing couple, you need to accounts to fund their addictions. Many 5. Keeping up with their stature in the speak with a lawyer and a financial proof these secretive behaviors can go on community. fessional immediately to find out what for years undetected. 6. Arguments or anxiety sparked an you can do to stop hemorrhaging money urge to shop and then hide the goods. before your divorce is final. Triggers of Spendaholism 7. She had an affair, so I took the credit Some of the most difficult divorces What could trigger bouts of spending card to get even. are those families where both spouses addiction? A marriage that does not 8. “I make the money, so I can spend it are spenders. There may be few finan- have a transparent wrapper around the as I like.” cial or real assets to split in the property finances, or poor communication, could settlement. Good luck trying to craft two easily set up a situation where over- Divorce Consequences full sets of personal expenses out of a spending might occur. Secrecy, motive, When two savers get divorced – assum- family unit that is in the habit of spend- and concealment are the other variables ing one of them hasn’t recently acquired ing all the income that is generated! The needed to carry on a spousal ruse. It may a love interest with expensive tastes – news is not good for couples who have also stem from an emotional subcon- the financial statement is unlikely to been living beyond their means: when scious desire to get back at the spouse for come as a shock to either one of them. they get divorced, their debts generally some slights, whether real or imagined. They have a pretty good idea of what exceed their assets, and they end up try- Some of the reasons heard when they have, and there are financial and ing to split the debt equitably – which confronted with an overspending prob- real assets to divide in the property could result in one or both of them hav- lem include: settlement. ing to file for bankruptcy. There may be 1. He paid no attention to me. When a saver and a spender divorce, no other option. That is the day of reck- 2. Enjoyed the friendliness of retail things are usually messy – both finan- oning for many poor financial spending workers. cially and emotionally. The saver is out- habits.  3. Felt a “retail high” while shopping raged at the amount of debts racked up that became an addiction. by the spender – and by the news that he/ 4. Never added up all the credit-card she may be on the hook for those debts Peggy L. Tracy (CFP®, CDFA™, CFE) is the owner of Priority Planning, LLC in Wheaton, IL. A Certified Fraud Examiner and Certified Divorce Financial Analyst, she focuses on forensic accounting for divorcing clients. www.priorityplanning.biz

Money Myths Money myths are global beliefs about all the wonderful, almost magical things that money can do for us. Here’s how to identify and debunk some of the myths that may be causing problems in your financial and personal life. www.divorcemag.com/articles/ money-myths

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Choosing Mediation How to Collaboration Divorce

Divorce forces you to Litigation make many choices with life-changing consequences. One of the first decisions you’ll need to make is which process to use to resolve your divorce issues: litigation, mediation, or collaboration.

By Adrienne Rothstein Grace, Divorce Financial Professional

inding yourself in the challenging determining what process they will use three most common dispute-resolution position of planning your divorce to navigate their divorce, the fear of the processes available to divorcing couples. will force you to make many choic- unknown paralyzes them into making Fes with far-reaching consequences. The decisions that, in the end, turn out not Mediation value of making the right decision can- to have been the best decisions for them. You and your soon-to-be ex work not be overstated. The same goes with Let’s explore the options available and together with one neutral expert to one of the ﬁ rst decisions you’ll need to how selecting one over the other can resolve some – or all – of your divorce make: “how” you want to proceed with have far-reaching positive (or negative) issues. All documents prepared for the your divorce. consequences on a divorce, relationship, mediation, and all matters discussed in Often, when separated people and family. the mediation, are confidential. The only find themselves at the crossroads of Here’s a brief introduction to the public document is the final judgment.

Table of Contents | .com Directory www.divorcemag.com/separa on-divorce-process | 16 • A neutral person (mediator) helps caused by their emotions or com- made in divorce is choosing the pro- you negotiate; the mediator may be munication issues. cess that works best for the divorcing a lawyer, a mental-health profes- • Collaborative divorce is flexible: couple and allows them to move for- sional, or other trained individual. parties can create innovative agree- ward to achieve the best outcomes for • The mediator has no power to ments that suits their family’s unique themselves – and their children, if any. decide the case, but will guide you needs. Make sure to find out as much as you to create your own agreement. • Unless it breaks down – returning can about the pros and cons of each pro- • The process is flexible and encour- the divorcing couple to square one cess before deciding which one is right ages cooperation rather than adver- – collaborative divorce is usually for you.  sarial winner/loser mindsets. more efficient than litigation. • There is no obligation to hire a law- • Collaborative divorce is gener- yer or other adviser – although each ally less expensive than litiga- Adrienne Rothstein Grace spouse is highly advised to review tion. Parties share the expense of a (CFP®, CLTC, CDFA™) final documents with a lawyer financial, parenting, or other expert, brings 30 years of finan- before signing an agreement. rather than each having to hire their cial advisory experience • Mediation is efficient: unless it own, competing expert. to clients in transition. breaks down, it is less time-con- Her holistic approach to suming than litigation. Litigation financial transition plan- • Mediation is inexpensive compared This may be the only option in cases ning guides clients through prudent to litigation. where the parties cannot work together, preparation as well as rebuilding post- • Mediation is empowering: you and or where there is a power imbalance or divorce. www.transitioningfinances.com your spouse decide what’s best for history of abuse. Generally all plead- you and your family, rather than ings are public records. This is the least asking a judge to decide. private and most expensive of the processes, and often involves the highest Related Articles Collaboration level of conflict. If a couple wants to work together to • Each spouse is represented by Divorce Dispute Resolution: reach a resolution out of court, but feel his/her own lawyer, who acts as Choosing the Right Method they need their own lawyer to help an advocate for that client’s best Which divorce process is right them do so, then collaborative divorce interests. for you: mediation, arbitration, may be a good choice for them. All • Lawyers negotiate on behalf of their collaboration, litigation, or pro se? documents prepared for the collabora- clients rather than clients working Here’s an overview of the options at tive negotiations, as well as all matters through the issues themselves. your disposal. discussed in the sessions, are confiden- • If negotiation betweens the lawyers www.divorcemag.com/articles/ tial. Only the final judgment is a public fails to produce an agreement, then divorce-dispute-resolution- document. the case goes to court where a judge choosing-the-right-method • Each spouse retains his/her own will decide how each issue will be specially-trained collaborative law- resolved. The First Legal Steps To Divorce yer to offer legal advice and support. • The schedule is dependent on the Some information and a handy • Spouses and lawyers sign a “no courts. In some jurisdictions, you checklist to help you set goals and court” agreement (lawyers must can wait a year for a court date – think about options as you move withdraw if the process breaks and then get bumped when the forward with your divorce – and life. down), encouraging all parties to case before yours takes longer than www.divorcemag.com/articles/the- work towards resolution without expected. first-legal-steps-to-divorce the threat of court. • This is usually the most expensive • Spouses and lawyers negotiate option in terms of both time and 5 Ways to Minimize Divorce together in “four-way” meetings. money – especially if the case goes Costs • Collaborative lawyers may rec- to court. The overall cost of a divorce depends ommend involving collaborative • Litigation can level the playing field on a myriad of factors. With every professionals – such as a Certified if there’s a real power imbalance, if case, whether “simple” or complex, Divorce Financial Analyst™ to there’s a chance that the financially- there are ways to minimize the cost illuminate the financial issues, or savvy spouse is manipulating or of litigation. a marriage and family therapist to hiding assets, or if one spouse is www.divorcemag.com/blog/5- act as coach to help the divorcing genuinely afraid of the other. ways-to-minimize-divorce-costs couple move beyond roadblocks One of the most important decisions

Table of Contents | .com Directory www.divorcemag.com/separa on-divorce-process | 17 legalissues

How to Choose the Right Divorce Lawyer

HereH are the thihtti eight questions you should hldkbf ask before meeting tii withth a lawyer,ldth and the 12 questions to ask during your introductory interview to help you find the right divorce lawyer.

By Donna M. Cheswick, Divorce Financial Analyst

n order to choose a good divorce the idea of questioning a highly-trained asking questions. A good lawyer will lawyer, a large part of your introduc- professional intimidating. value an informed and proactive cli- Itory interview will involve asking When interviewing a divorce law- ent. Also, lawyers are in business, and questions about their expertise, fees, and yer, don’t be apprehensive or nervous, you are a potential customer who may philosophy. Like many, you may ﬁ nd or worry that you’re insulting them by ultimately pay thousands of dollars in

Table of Contents | .com Directory www.divorcemag.com/Legal-Issues | 18 Table of Contents | .com Directory services. You want to act responsibly by the time to answer respectfully, and be You should never feel pressured being selective so that you feel comfort- sure you understand their responses. to “sign on the dotted line” before you able and confident in your choice. Complimentary consultations are usu- have educated yourself and have enough ally quite short, so you should be pre- information to make an informed deci- pared to pay the lawyer’s hourly fee sion. One of the biggest determining 8 Questions Before You Meet once the free period is up. factors in how your divorce will pro- Obtain some preliminary information ceed are the choices you make in how about the lawyer you are thinking of you plan to divorce, and the lawyer and hiring before you meet with them. This 12 Questions for the Initial other professionals that you will use to will allow you to familiarize yourself Interview help you get there.  with their practice – and weed out the During your initial interview, con- ones whose philosophies are incompat- sider asking the following additional ible with your own. Visit the lawyer’s questions. If not, be sure to get them Donna Cheswick website, and then call their office to ask answered before hiring the lawyer: (CDFA™) helps clients a few basic questions, such as: 1. What is your preferred strategy/ and their lawyers under- 1. What percentage of their business is philosophy for handling a divorce stand the financial com- in family law? case (a lamb, a pit-bull, or a fox)? plexities surrounding 2. How long have they been practicing 2. What percentage of your cases end divorce. She facilitates as a family lawyer? up in court? What percentage of and teaches monthly 3. Does their practice include alterna- your cases settle out of court? Divorce Workshops for Women, and she tives such as collaborative law, or 3. What do you think I could expect has published articles on divorce and do they encourage the use of outside to pay (if you’re the higher wage finances for national print and online alternate dispute resolution/media- earner) or receive (if you’re the media. www.medallion-wealth.com tion to minimize costs? lower wage earner) in spousal sup- 4. Do they have an introductory com- port and/or child support? plimentary consultation? If so, how 4. Can you give me a realistic expec- much time is allotted? tation of what is typical with cases Related Articles 5. What is their hourly rate, and in what similar to mine? time increments do they bill? 5. Do you foresee any problems aris- Do I Really Need a Lawyer? 6. Do they provide itemized invoices ing in my case? A do-it-yourself divorce is by far showing costs incurred and retainer 6. Do you charge extra for copies, fil- the cheapest option, but be careful balance? ing fees, and other fees? not to mortgage your future just 7. What is the minimum retainer, and 7. What is your preferred method of because you want to get the whole is it refundable if not used? How is communication (phone call/email), thing over with in an economical replenishing that retainer handled and what is your response time to manner. during the course of your case? communications with your office? www.divorcemag.com/articles/do- 8. Are they a solo practitioner or do 8. Do you recommend working with i-really-need-a-lawyer they have other lawyers at the firm? other professionals such as a certi- Once you select a lawyer to inter- fied divorce financial analyst, busi- 5 Reasons to Hire a Divorce view, prepare a brief written overview ness valuator, forensic accountant, Lawyer of your current situation (length of or coach/therapist if needed? Choosing to represent yourself in marriage, problems leading to the deci- 9. Can you provide long-range fore- court instead of hiring a divorce sion to divorce, actions taken so far, a casts of what I should expect my lawyer could be a costly mistake. summary of your marital assets/debts, future will look like for a potential Here’s why. number and ages of dependent children, marital settlement agreement? www.divorcemag.com/articles/5- and any other complicating issues that 10. May I have a copy of your retainer reasons-to-hire-a-divorce-lawyer might apply) and a list of questions to agreement, engagement letter, or ask the lawyer before your interview. other contract you require so that WATCH: 10 Tips on How to This will help keep the meeting on I can review it before agreeing to Choose a Divorce Lawyer track – and also help to prevent you retain your services? A short video explaining how to from getting overly emotional. During 11. Will you provide me with copies choose the right divorce lawyer to your interview, a good divorce lawyer of correspondence and legal docu- suit your unique needs. should make an effort to put you at ease, ments pertaining to my case? www.divorcemag.com/blog/how-to- use language you can understand, lis- 12. What documents do you need from choose-a-divorce-lawyer ten patiently to your questions and take me in order to get started?

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5 Rules for Successfully Negotiating a Divorce Settlement The fallout from going back on a negotiated term in your divorce settlement could have costly ramifications – both financially and on your family – and it could ultimately kill the agreement.

By Mary Krauel, Mediator and Financial Professional

oing through divorce and separa- painfully overwhelming, time-con- by doing things that sabotage – or tion can be an emotional, painful, suming, stressful, and ﬁ nancially-crip- even kill – their settlement. Although Goverwhelming, time-consuming, pling experience? It is worth repeating these negative experiences cannot stressful, and, for many, a financially- because sometimes folks are so caught be totally eliminated, they can be crippling experience. Did I mention up in their anger, frustration, and fear mitigated if couples can follow some that divorce can be an emotional, that they make it even more painful simple Divorce Rules.

Table of Contents | .com Directory www.divorcemag.com/divorce-media on | 20 Rule #1: Don’t Renege on one term now calls into question all other options and negotiate a different outcome, Decisions Made terms that had been agreed upon – espe- and there has been no perceived breach to When I begin a mediation process with a cially if some of those terms were made derail the process. divorcing couple, I review several divorce as a concession to both parties’ agreeing to I always like to give clients the benefit rules with them that I use to guide them the term now being revisited. At its worst, of the doubt and expect that they’re enter- to a fair and reasonable settlement. One the other party may reject all terms and ing into a divorce settlement negotiation of the most critical is that once you’ve bring the negotiations back to square one. with the intent to be fair and reasonable. reached agreement on a term in your set- All that time and effort to date may have In the situation noted in Rule 4, I think the tlement, don’t renege or backtrack. been wasted, and more time and money husband believed he could improve the When couples enter mediation, there will be expended to get back on track. One deal for himself by raising the change late is often little or no trust between the par- or both parties may no longer wish to be – expecting his wife would wish to avoid ties. A key element of my process is to cooperative, and may be just mad enough legal costs at the eleventh hour and just build trust between the parties during to quit mediation or negotiation and instruct agree to get the divorce over with. Time the mediation by having them take small divorce lawyers to take their case to court. will tell if his was a gamble worth taking steps. Those steps come in the form of financially, and at the risk of embittering agreements reached on terms during the Rule #4: Live the Commitment the relationship further with his wife. Did course of the process. As they continue to for Real I mention they have adult children? What agree on terms, they see success – which It is usual for folks to take a step forward cost and impact do you think this will then allows them to make bigger deci- and then one back: this is part of mediation have on them? sions more easily as they start to trust the as parties ride the roller-coaster of divorce. If you have negotiated a settlement and process and each other. Once an agreement Hopefully, the steps back are fewer than are thinking about changing your mind, has been reached on an issue, both parties the steps forward. On rare occasions, a think twice. If you don’t want to be like view it as closed. Often, this is the building step back happens at the end of the pro- those clients of mine, don’t say yes unless block for other decisions that need to be cess when the settlement agreement has you really mean it.  made. If either party changes their mind, been drafted and sent out to the parties for recants, or wishes to vary the term, the review and approval. That happened with other party will view that as a breach of one of my clients – an older couple who As an experienced divorce the agreement. It doesn’t matter that there had been married for more than 30 years mediator, Mary Krauel isn’t a signed and executed agreement yet: and had a very long history of “broken (CPA, CA, EMBA, CDFA™, the parties had reached agreement on that promises.” When the husband decided at B Math) through her firm term, and there was a mutual understand- this late stage to change significantly terms PRM Mediation helps clients ing that it would ultimately become a part of spousal support – already an emotional in the Greater Toronto Area of the formal separation agreement. term – it was like Mount Vesuvius erupted. and London, Ontario medi- “Liar” and “dishonest” were some of the ate financial and parenting decisions Rule #2: Do Not Self-Sabotage milder terms used by the wife, who felt her instead of litigating in an adversarial What is self-sabotage? This is not a trick former spouse was once again demonstrat- legal system. www.prmmediation.com question, nor is it rocket science. Self- ing the behavior of their marriage. Sadly, sabotage is simply doing something that her anger and belief that her husband had will negatively impact you. I raise this no intention of honoring the mediated set- because people are often unaware how tlement resulted in her pursuing a divorce Related Article impactful their actions (like backtracking lawyer to fight for her. on decisions), comments, and behavior 7 Steps to Making Wise can be – or how it can trigger a negative Rule #5: It is Better to Say No the Decisions While Divorcing reaction in someone else. In divorce situa- First Time Than to Renege Later Divorce raises complex issues: tions, this awareness is further clouded by Parties are often anxious to get their settle- how to handle housing, finances, the visceral emotions people feel. ment over and done with. Dragging it out is children. Surging feelings make it stressful and can be costly, but this needs to hard to make decisions – yet this is Rule #3: Do Not Breach the Trust be balanced with having enough time and when you most need to make them All the trust that may have been regained information to make decisions you can live wisely! These 7 steps will help you through the process is either lost or severely with. I tell my clients that it is far better to use your mind and heart to make impaired because of a breach (see Rules 1 hesitate, take time to think about it, and feel tough choices well. and 2 for examples). Accusations follow, committed to a decision – whether a “yes” www.divorcemag.com/blog/7- and old history of former breaches of trust or a “no” – rather than making a decision steps-to-making-wise-decisions- in the relationship are revisited, all giving and then changing your mind later. Saying while-divorcing- fuel to emotions once again. Changing just no allows the parties to consider other

Table of Contents | .com Directory www.divorcemag.com/divorce-media on | 21 financialissues Tax Tips and Traps

Here are two topics you’d probably rather not think about: divorce and taxes. If you’re separated or newly divorced, however, it could be worth your while to get some good financial advice about both.

By Diana Shepherd, Divorce Financial Analyst

Spousal Support Also known in some jurisdictions as “alimony” or “maintenance,” spousal support is typically treated as taxable income to the person receiving it and tax-deductible for the person paying it. Before deciding whether a specific amount is going to work, you need to know what the actual out-of-pocket cost is if you’re the payor or the net

.../Continued on page 24

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Contact Us for Your Free Initial Marketing Consultation • 866.803.6667 x 124 [email protected] of Contents | .com Directory • www.DivorceMarketingGroup.com| 23 Tax Tips / Continued from page 24 Third-Party Payments Truro, Nova Scotia. “This inequity is Usually, payments must be made exacerbated by the fact that, often, it is amount that you’ll receive if you’re the directly to the recipient to be classified the payor of the spousal support who payee. For example, if paying $30,000 as support. But what if you’re going would benefit more from being able in spousal support annually, how much to be paying child or spousal support to deduct legal fees, as that person is is that $30,000 going to cost you after to an ex who has a genuine problem most often in the higher tax bracket.” factoring in the tax deduction? And, with money – a gambling addiction, Find out if you can deduct any of if you’re receiving the $30,000, how for instance? “Third-party or specific- the divorce-related professional fees much of that will you have to pay purpose payments can be considered before you file your taxes. in taxes? For payments to qualify as support payments under certain cir- spousal support, they must meet a cumstances,” says Mary Krauel (CPA, Filing Status number of requirements; make sure EMBA, CDFA™), who practices in “Filing status is often more important you’ve met them all. the Greater Toronto Area and London, than dependency exemptions: someone Ontario. “Specific-purpose payments filing as a Head of Household (HOH) Child Support may include rent, property taxes, can claim a higher standard deduction Generally speaking, child support insurance premiums, and educational and lower tax rates than a single filer,” is non-taxable income to the person or medical expenses for the benefit says Heather Smith Linton (CPA, receiving it and it is not tax-deductible of the recipient.” This is helpful in CFP, CVA, CDFA™), who practices by the person paying it. If you’re going settlements where there is concern that in Durham, North Carolina. “This to be paying both spousal and child the support payments will be used by can often translate into more of a tax support, you may be tempted to lump the recipient for necessary expenses savings than a dependency deduction. both payments together and call them while at the same time preserving the A couple needs to have at least two “spousal support” so you can claim a deductibility for the payor, she adds. children to make this strategy work,” bigger tax deduction. Sorry to burst “To guarantee deductibility – clearly she continues. “The general rule for your bubble, but the IRS and CRA are state it in the agreement.” filing as HOH is that an unmarried wise to this “strategy,” which could taxpayer would have to maintain a land you in serious hot water! You can Divorce-Related Fees household that is the principal place also end up owing back taxes, penal- In the US, you can deduct the por- of abode for over half the year for a ties, and interest if your support pay- tion of fees paid to divorce-industry qualifying child.” According to Justin ments are not structured correctly in professionals (e.g., lawyers, actuar- Reckers (CFP, CDFA™), who prac- your divorce agreement. In the US, if ies, accountants, or appraisers) for tax tices in San Diego, California, the spousal support is reduced or termi- advice or for help in getting spousal HOH filing status strategy is a simple nated because of a contingency related support. In Canada, you can deduct and elegant way to reduce overall tax to a child (such as a child attaining a legal fees paid to establish, increase, bills and even has some other benefits. specific age or income level, dying, or collect support payments; how- “HOH filing status comes with tax marrying, leaving school, or gaining ever, only the recipient of support brackets identical to those available employment), it can be reclassified as may claim these deductions – not the to the Married Filing Jointly scenario, child support. There are many other payor. “There is an inequity in the but also allows for each party to the ways the IRS could reclassify some or deductibility of legal fees paid by the divorce to file separate tax returns,” all of the deductible spousal support recipient of support payments ver- he says. Inquire about the require- you have paid as non-deductible child sus the payor,” points out Karen ments for claiming HOH to see support; make sure your agreement Archibald (CDFA™, CGA, doesn’t contain one of these hidden MBA), who practices in traps before you sign it.

Table of Contents | .com Directory www.divorcemag.com/ﬁ nancial-issues | 24 that year or allowable refundable tax If you are still filing joint returns credits – whichever yields the larger benefit,” says Karen Archibald. “For with your spouse, make sure example, Sally and Joe separated on September 1, and Joe pays Sally $300 to review your tax return before each month in deductible support. Joe would be far better off claiming the signing on the dotted line. spousal credit of $10,527 versus the support of $1,200.” Of course, there are different tax credits and benefits in the USA and Canada, so find out what is available in your area and for your situation. if this strategy can work for you. be unable to claim tax relief. Karen Hallson-Kundel (CGA, CBV, CDFA™), The Last Word Joint Tax Returns who practices in Winnipeg, Manitoba, Since each case and each state or prov- If you are still filing joint returns with points out that the separation agreement ince may have different requirements, your spouse, make sure to review your must specifically identify the parent who rules, and guidelines, you should con- tax return before signing on the dot- will claim the child in order to preserve sult your Certified Divorce Financial ted line. “Remember – you will be the Eligible Dependant tax credit, for Analyst®, accountant, and/or family held liable for what is being reported, instance. “Families with two children lawyer for specific guidance about whether your spouse or a professional can structure the separation agreement how taxes could affect your property accountant prepared the form,” warns to indicate that each parent claims one settlement and support payments.  Carlton R. Marcyan (JD, MBA, CPA, child, effectively doubling the tax ben- CFP, CDFA™), a partner at Schiller efit,” she says. Terry Hawes (MBA, DuCanto & Fleck in Chicago, Illinois. CGA, CFE, CDFA™), who practices Diana Shepherd (CDFA™) “In my nearly 25 years of practicing in Port Moody, BC, adds that: “The is the co-founder and edi- law, I would estimate that two out Eligible Dependant Amount has specific torial director of Divorce of three spouses do not look at their caveats that must be met to qualify.” Magazine. For more tax returns before signing and are not This tax credit is often missed as information about how a aware of what they are consenting to.” practitioners and clients believe that CDFA™ professional can these conditions must exist for the entire help you with the financial Tax Credits and Benefits year since separation or as of December aspects of your divorce, go to www. Make sure you’re taking advantage 31. In fact, the legislation states, “at institutedfa.com/divorce-information. of all possible tax credits and benefits any time in the year. This strategy is during and after divorce; if your agree- often available in the year of separa- ment isn’t structured correctly, you may tion to multiply the tax credit.” In the Related Articles year of separation, get your CDFA™ or accountant to crunch the numbers to Potential Tax Filing Statuses for see whether you should be claiming the U.S. Divorcing Couples spousal support or any allowable tax Choosing a tax filing status for credits. “If you pay support and divorcing couples in the U.S. may you are were separated for not be as automatic as you think. only part of the year, you www.divorcemag.com/blog/ may claim either the potential-tax-filing-statuses-for- deductible sup- divorcing-couples port paid 5 Tax Traps to Avoid During Divorce How to avoid five key tax traps during the divorce process. www.divorcemag.com/articles/5- tax-traps-to-avoid-during-divorce

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Table of Contents | .com Directory A S A F Common Divorce Questions

Answers to some of the more frequently-asked questions about the divorce process in Texas.

and it may actually reduce the possibil- Finally, in addition to separating Legal Issues ity of reaching an agreement. Instead, the parties, most mediators prefer that mediators who commonly mediate family only the parties and their attorneys be Do both myself and my spouse need law cases will separate the parties in two present. They typically do not want to be in the same room if we go the rooms with their attorneys. The mediator friends or family members of the par- mediation route for our divorce? will then go from one room to the other ties to be present because their opinions to try to reach an agreement with which can sometimes work against reaching an Patricia Carter, a family law attor- both parties are comfortable. This way agreement. If you would like a friend ney in Houston, answers: the mediator can listen to each side of the or family member present, make sure No. In fact, in almost all of our case without having the other party inter- you or your attorney asks the media- cases, we recommend that the parties be rupt or become angry during the process. tor ﬁ rst. Many times, in addition to get- in separate rooms. In many mediations, Although this is the custom for fam- ting the approval from the mediator, the the mediator and all parties involved are ily law cases, make sure to talk to your mediator will want the approval from in one room where they talk about the attorney about what you feel is best for the other party before allowing anyone issues of the case, and the mediator lets your situation. If you and your spouse other than a party or a party’s attorney the parties speak directly to work out can still work together amicably, and you in the mediation. their issues and come to a settlement. think it would be easier to reach an agree- www.shortcartermorris.com This is usually not a good idea in divorce ment if both of you are in the same room, or child custody cases because the parties speak to your attorney and the mediator are too emotionally involved in the case, about this. .../Continued on page 25d

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Experience. Integrity. J. Lindsey Short Patricia Carter Adam Morris Candice B. Deyerle Dedication.

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A S A F Table of Contents | .com Directory Continued from page 25b given the right to make major medi- Children’s Issues cal decisions, even though the child Financial Issues may be spending more time with the How does a joint child-custody agree- other parent. If your ex-spouse isn’t paying the ment usually work? I’ve seen many joint custody child support they owe you, what is arrangements where no child support the best way to collect those child sup- John K. Grubb, a family lawyer in is paid by either party; sometimes port payments? Houston, answers: they have other arrangements for Short answer – however the par- paying child-related expenses, and Brian Loughmiller and Eric ties want it to work. In a traditional in other situations, they simply pro- Higgins, family law attorneys in custody arrangement, usually all the vide that each party gets to support McKinney, answer: rights are equal with the exception the child when the child is in their One of the remedies available in of four: possession. a child support enforcement action is 1. one party usually gets the right to The beauty of joint custody is that contempt. If you can hold a party in establish the child’s legal domi- the parties can structure the periods contempt for not paying child support, cile and residence (frequently of possession to fit their schedules they are subject to being sentenced to restricted), and their children’s schedules. Many jail. When you’ve got that hanging over 2. one party frequently gets the right couples are doing one week/one week somebody’s head, that helps us collect to make educational decisions with the exchange taking place on more child support than anything. (which school the child goes to), Sunday afternoon. With the one week/ There are other remedies that 3. one party gets the right to receive one week arrangement, the child has can be eﬀ ective at times. You can get child support, and continuity all week. My experience a judgment against your spouse, but 4. one party gets the right to make has been that the parent who is on you’ve got to collect it just like any decisions concerning surgical duty during the week tends to works other judgment. When a child support procedures. the shortest hours possible and spend arrears accrue, a lien automatically When you have a true joint cus- the maximum time with the child. The attaches; you can send a notice and tody arrangement, these rights are off-duty party tends to spend the week put liens on bank accounts, retirement frequently allocated between the par- working really hard. accounts, and real estate. As long as the ties equally or in a different manner. The real beauty of a joint cus- property is not exempt, you have a lien For example, I’ve seen joint custody tody arrangement is you can struc- by operation of law. arrangements whereby one party gets ture an arrangement that fits both If a child support payor is at least to establish the legal residence of the parties’ needs and the child’s needs. three months behind in their child sup- child within a restricted geographical All too frequently in traditional cus- port, you may attempt to suspend or area, and the other party gets to make tody arrangements, neither parent’s revoke any licenses that have been educational decisions. I have seen needs are properly addressed, and as a issued by the state of Texas – includ- joint custody arrangements where the consequence, the child is the loser.  ing a driver’s licence, a medical license, parties can live anywhere they want – www.johnkgrubb.com or a law license. The threat of having but the child is required to live within that license suspended or revoked as a a defined geographical area. For more FAQs and answers by result of the child support arrears can I’ve seen many joint custody divorce professionals, please visit also be an eﬀ ective tool. arrangements where the parent who www.divorcemag.com. www.familylitigation.com has a medical training background is The answers provided above are for general education only and may FOLLOW DIVORCE MAGAZINE not apply to your unique situation. on Facebook and Twitter and visit our Blog! They should not be considered to Get the latest news, articles and commentary on divorce. be legal, accounting, tax, or other professional advice nor construed www.facebook.com/divorcemagazine as a form of lawyer-client relation- www.twitter.com/divorcemagazine ship. This information does not take the place of a lawyer, accountant, www.DivorceMag.com/blog financial planner, therapist, etc.; www.DivorcedMoms.com for professional advice, you must www.MarriageAndSeparation.com seek counsel from the appropriate professional. Read, research, share and interact.

Table of Contents | .com Directory www.divorcemag.com | 25d Table of Contents | .com Directory What are the grounds for Divorcing People are divorce or legal separation in Texas? Looking for Family Lawyers

Residency Requirements: Either spouse must have been a resident for at least six months and resided in the county where the petition is filed for at least 90 days. The divorce petition is filed with the District Court of the county where either party lives. [Based on Texas Statutes; Family Code, Chapter 6.301]. Grounds for Divorce: On the petition of either party to a marriage, the court may grant a divorce without regard to fault on the basis of irreconcilable differences. A divorce may also be granted on any of the following fault If you work with divorcing bases: • Cruelty; people, we can help you • Adultery; • Conviction of a felony; stand out • Abandonment; • Confinement in a mental hospital; and be chosen. • Living apart without cohabitation for at least three years. We have specialized in marketing family lawyers and other Legal Separation in Texas: Texas divorce professionals for 20 years. We’ll show you how to does not have specific provisions for increase your presence and credibility online and offline, so you a legal separation, but allows for temporary orders to be filed at the time can generate more quality leads and turn prospects into clients. the divorce is filed. In cases where the parties have filed for a divorce or Our Products Our Services annulment, the spouses may enter • Divorce Magazine • Website design & hosting into a written agreement concern- • Family Lawyer Magazine • Mobile website design ing the division of the property and • 10 Divorce Guides • SEO and traffic generation liabilities as well as maintenance of • Divorce eNewsletter • Pay-per-click advertising either spouse. This agreement may be • DivorceMagazine.com • Design print ads, firm revised or rejected before rendition of the divorce or annulment unless the • FamilyLawyerMagazine.com brochures and logos agreement is binding under another • DivorcedMoms.com • Video & podcast marketing rule of law. • TheDivorceSchool.com • Social media marketing Simplified Divorce in Texas: On written agreement of the parties, the court may refer a suit for dissolution of a marriage to arbitration (the agreement Call (866) 803-6667 Ext. 124 must state whether the arbitration is binding or nonbinding), mediation, or [email protected] to be conducted under collaborative law procedures. On the written agreement of the parties or on the court’s own motion, the court may refer a suit for dissolution of a marriage to YEARS mediation.

Table of Contents | .com Directory www.divorcemag.com | 25f childrenanddivorce

Rules By Terry Gaspard, Therapist for Introducing 5a New Partner to Your Kids The key to successful parenting after divorce is helping your children heal from your breakup. Introducing your new love interest too soon might complicate, delay, or damage this process.

Table of Contents | .com Directory www.divorcemag.com/children-and-divorce | 26 ne of the most common ques- go sour when a partner is introduced complaining about him.” tions divorced parents ask me to children too quickly. It can cause During our second session, I asked Ois: When should I introduce my anguish for everyone – especially chil- Caroline if she had thought through any new partner to my children? My best dren who are probably holding on to the disadvantages of introducing her daugh- answer is to take your time dating after idea that their parents will eventually get ter to Kevin so soon. She paused and divorce and don’t introduce your new back together. It may take them time to said: “not really,” and so I asked her love to your kids if you are dating casu- accept a new person in their life. to write down a list of pros and cons ally. While it’s normal to seek solace, For example, Caroline, a 36-year- for her homework assignment. When companionship, and a sexual relation- old teacher, described her new partner, Caroline arrived for her next session, ship after a breakup, it’s crucial to take Kevin, as thoughtful, affectionate, and she reported that she was having second it slow so you can assess whether the a great match for her. They had been thoughts about whether she had rushed relationship is a casual one, or might be dating for a little over two months, and into including Kevin in so many activi- permanent. she was head over heels in love with ties with Baylie, and she realized that The number-one thing to keep in him. But she began questioning their Baylie was seeing him as a rival for her mind when deciding when to introduce relationship when her daughter, Baylie, attention. a new partner to your kids is timing after your divorce. What’s the hurry? Even if both of you are in love and seem to have a lot in common, breakups are common and kids get caught in the crossfire. Next, the setting and length of the first introduction is crucial to success. Meeting in an informal setting may help your kids feel more relaxed. Rather than planning a long visit, it’s best to have a brief, casual meeting with few expectations.

Your Child’s Age Is a Factor Another important consideration when introducing your kids to a new love interest is their age. Truth be told, younger children (under age 10) may feel con- fused, angry, or sad because they tend to be possessive of their parents. Renowned researcher Dr. Constance Ahrons, who conducted a 20-year study of children of divorce, concluded that most children find their parent’s courtship behaviors confusing and strange. On the other hand, adolescents may appear more accepting of your new partner than younger children, but they may age eight, started complaining about 5 Rules for Introducing Your still perceive that person as a threat to Kevin coming over – especially when New Partner to Your Children: their relationship with you. Dr. Ahrons his nine-year-old son, Ryan, came along 1. Timing is essential to healthy also found that teenagers may find open for the visit. She didn’t understand why family adjustment after divorce. affection between their parent and a new Baylie didn’t share her enthusiasm for Children need time to adjust to their partner troubling – so go easy on physi- Kevin because he was so perfect for parents’ split, and it can take a year cal contact in front of them. Do you want their family. or two for them to get over anger, your teenager to model their behavior As Caroline spoke, disappointment sadness, and other emotions. If you after you? If so, you owe it to yourself was apparent in her voice: “Kevin’s introduce your children to someone and your kids to build new relationships just so ideal for our family and I can whom you are dating casually, this thoughtfully. really be myself with him. He has a son may complicate their adjustment to and is a great dad. I figured that Baylie your divorce. Timing Is Everything would like him because he’s a lot of fun, I’ve witnessed many new relationships and I was blindsided when she started .../Continued on page 29

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Let’s cry, laugh, and dream again! Visit the largest online community dedicated to inspiring and empowering mothers before, during, and after divorce. Whether you’re in your 20s with an infant or in your 50s with grown children, you’ll find blog posts from divorced moms that validate your experience and touch your heart. Need some great advice? Our lineup of experts can help you complete your divorce and create a great new life for yourself and your child. Come cry, laugh, and dream again – with a little help from your friends at www.DivorcedMoms.com.

Table of Contents | .com Directory | 28 New Partner / Continued from page 27 Sleepovers with Your New your new partner. Waiting to introduce Partner your kids to your new love will pay off 2. Keep in mind that your kids may Be sure to be careful about sleepovers for everyone in the long run.  view your new love as a rival. Just with your new partner when you have because you are smitten with your children living with you. It’s not wise Terry Gaspard (MSW, new partner, it doesn’t mean that to plan an overnight with your new love LICSW) is a licensed ther- your kids will share your positive interest in your home right away because apist, college instructor, feelings. it can increase rivalry between them and and non-fiction author 3. Consider your children’s needs your kids. If you co-parent, it should be specializing in divorce, for security and reassurance. easy to spend an overnight with them women’s issues, children, Introducing your new love to your when your children are with your ex. and relationships. She and kids too soon can increase stress Having your new partner spend the night her daughter have just released a new in the house and take energy away should only be an option once you’re book, Daughters of Divorce: Overcome from your kids’ ability to grieve the fairly sure that your relationship is going the Legacy of Your Parents’ Breakup loss of their intact family. Be sure to be permanent. and Enjoy a Happy, Long-Lasting to give your kids lots of reassur- Let your children know that you Relationship (Sourcebooks, January ance that you have plenty of love have an abundance of love to go around. 2016), which is available at Amazon. to go around. It’s crucial to reassure your kids that com. www.movingpastdivorce.com 4. Ask yourself: Is my love interest your partner will not replace their other a good fit for my family? After parent or change your relationship with Related Articles all, you might have great chemistry them. Don’t be surprised if your children with someone, but they might not reject your new partner at first. Some 7 Dating Considerations for be best suited to become part of kids express anger or defiance and may Divorced Individuals with Kids your family. even threaten to run away – or to go live Here are seven qualities and attributes to look for in someone who is going to be a stepparent to Let your children know that you your kids. www.divorcemag.com/blog/ have an abundance of love to go around. dating-considerations-for-divorced- It’s crucial to reassure your kids that your individuals-with-kids New Partners, Stepparents, and partner will not replace their other parent or Remarriage change your relationship with them. When families separate, many parents quickly start dating again; in most cases, one or both parents will 5. Invite your children’s feedback with their other parent full-time. Adopt marry or cohabitate with a romantic for ideas about how and when realistic expectations about your chil- partner at some point post-divorce. they meet your new partner for dren’s acceptance of your new partner: www.divorcemag.com/articles/ the first time. If you’ve been dat- just because you are enthralled with this new-partners-stepparents-and- ing someone for a while and feel person, it doesn’t mean that your kids remarriage relatively confident that you are will share your enthusiasm. heading towards a long-term com- Meet the Children: How to mitment, then talk to your children: Don’t Rush Introduce Your Children to Your explain that you’re dating some- In sum, the key to successful parent- New Special Friend one whom you care about and that ing post-divorce is helping your kids John Gray, the author of the you’d like to introduce to them. heal from your breakup, and introducing bestseller Men are from Mars, Ask them if they have any ques- them to a new love too soon might com- Women are from Venus offers six tions. Keep the first meeting short plicate, delay, or damage this process. tips to ensure that this first meeting and low-key. Going to a restaurant You can simply tell your kids that you’re goes well. or neutral spot for the first meeting going out with a new friend, and that’s www.divorcemag.com/articles/ is best. Ask your kids where they’d enough information for the moment. meet-the-children-how-to- like to go, and don’t invite your Consider the amount of time since your introduce-your-children-to-your- partner’s children to join you on divorce, the age of your children, and the new-special-friend the first few visits. level of commitment between you and

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forSuccessful ipsCo-Parenting

There are ways to make co-parentingT more effective for the parents and easier on the kids. Here are some tips for successful cooperative parenting after divorce.

By Wendi Schuller, Therapist

o-parenting is a relatively modern Today, divorcing parents have many will have to discuss issues and opportu- term in the divorce world. When more choices than the previous genera- nities that arise in their children’s lives. my parents walked out of divorce tion – or perhaps parents like mine sim- Ccourt, they never communicated with ply did not see the need to discuss their How to Make Cooperative each other ever again – about me or any children with each other post-divorce. Parenting Easier other topic. Co-parenting implies coop- Custody is usually joint, which means There are ways to make co-parenting eration and dialogue: former spouses are both parents have the right to decide easier – for parents and for children. no longer partners in marriage, but are what schools and activities their children Consider having a regularly scheduled still partners in raising their children. will attend – and from time to time, they meeting – perhaps monthly – to discuss

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Table of Contents | .com Directory A S A F new issues or activities. Have an agenda, physical and mental well-being. This also emotionally-charged sentences within just as you would for a conference at avoids pitting one parent against the other your message and adjust the overall tone. work. one; you won’t have to deal with “Dad The bottom line is that co-parenting If one parent veers off course into lets me go to bed at 11” or “Mom lets me is a learning process and generally gets blame, anger, or other toxic areas, calmly watch TV all day.” When kids realize that easier as time goes by – especially if par- steer them back to the topic being dis- their parents are on the same team – even ents are able to check their egos and put cussed: “We were talking about Jane’s though they no longer live in the same their children first.  wish to change schools,” for example. home – and that the rules are consistent Keep emotion out of the discussion, and in both homes, then they are less likely treat the other parent as you would an to try and get away with things. Wendi Schuller is an excitable co-worker: with calm, but firm, Work together when dividing up author, nurse, and hypno- courtesy. These meetings don’t have to holidays. Some parents each have the therapist who is certified be in person if it is difficult to be in your kids for part of the special day, and others in Neuro-linguistic ex’s presence. Using Skype or the phone trade holidays on alternate years. There Programing (NLP). Her is fine, even if they only live a few streets may be new step-siblings, who also have most recent book is The away. to share holidays with another parent, to Global Guide to Divorce Co-parenting is easier when both work into your holiday schedules. Some (Austin Macauley Publishers, 2015), parents are on the same page and don’t co-parents have a get-together with new and she is a featured author on www. feel left out of anything. There are various partners and grandparents and do okay in DivorcedMoms.com and a regular online calendars and apps (such as www. each other’s company. See what works blogger for www.DivorceMag.com. OurFamilyWizard.com) that let each par- best in your situation. www.globalguidetodivorce.com ent view and add activities or events in the youngsters’ lives – such as dance If Co-Parenting Is Difficult recitals, sports tournaments, and school The “don’ts” of co-parenting can mostly Related Articles concerts – as well as track parenting time. be avoided when thinking of what is in Add these to a shared schedule as soon the children’s best interests. Yes, it is Shared Parenting Pros and Cons as you know about them; that way, one hard to put your ego aside or not to con- Successful shared parenting parent cannot blame the other one for not sider punishing your ex by “forgetting” benefits both children and parents, notifying them about an important event to enter the dates of the school play on but it is not appropriate for all in their children’s lives. Remember to your shared electronic calendar. Getting families. Here are the pros and cons keep grandparents up-to-date on the kids’ back at an ex through the children is not of shared parenting. events so they can attend, if possible. healthy and can backfire. One father took www.divorcemag.com/articles/ Some parents have a notebook that his sons to a show during the divorce shared-parenting-pros-and-cons goes back and forth between homes, that he knew his wife would get angry which is particularly helpful with young about. The boys – who were upset seeing Successful Co-Parenting children. For instance, if a child has an an adult-themed play with scantily-clad Communication asthma attack or a severe allergic reac- women – told the interim psychologist, In order to normalize the post- tion to food, you can make a note of it, who put a stop to this behavior. Later, divorce co-parenting situation as letting your co-parent know when an they discussed this and more events with much as possible, you need to make inhaler or EpiPen was administered. This the custody evaluator; the mother ended all communication clear – with your also is useful for medical conditions like up with physical custody and the father children and with your ex-spouse. seizures. If there are incidents at school was not granted any overnight visitation. www.divorcemag.com/articles/co- or other information that needs to be If co-parenting is difficult, consider parenting-communication relayed, the notebook is another method having a third party handle all communi- of both sharing and recording the details. cation between you. One woman had her 5 Co-Parenting Tips from a friend edit out any mean comments from Divorced Divorce Attorney Consistency and Teamwork her ex-husband’s emails and then forward Co-parenting after a divorce is never An important part of co-parenting is them to her. Others have used a mediator easy. Get some insight on how to setting up consistent rules, routines, or some other professional to take care of successfully co-parent and keep and consequences in both homes. Kids all messages and communication between a positive relationship with your require constancy in their topsy-turvy co-parents. children with these tips. world. Going to bed and eating meals The Message Board on Our Family www.divorcemag.com/blog/5-co- at vastly different times is like having Wizard has a feature called “ToneMeter.” parenting-tips-from-a-divorced- chronic jet lag. They feel more secure Described as an “emotional spell-check,” divorce-attorney with a routine, and it is better for their ToneMeter helps you identify and flag

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When life hands you lemons, you can complain about how awful they are – or you can sprinkle sugar on them, add water, and enjoy a sweet lemonade. The choice is yours.

sTo Fight Way and pression De er Divorce ve Aft T7hri

By Lizzy Smith

few weeks ago, my daughters and I went on vacation to Florida. When we landed in Orlando, I rented a car and we did a road trip to Savannah, Georgia and Charleston, South Carolina. We also spent time in Jacksonville and Orlando. AWhat made the trip really amazing is that our best friends who live in California were also in Orlando at the same time, so we spent five days of our vacation together. I’ve known these friends, Julie and Shane, since college, and they are family to me. Julie’s .../Continued on page 34

Table of Contents | .com Directory www.divorcemag.com/health-and-well-being | 32 Join Your Divorce Community side from ge ng expert advice, there are mes you may want to connect with Areal people who are going through or recently ﬁ nalized their own divorce. You can vent, ask ques ons, get support, share your thoughts, insights, and ps, or even inspire others through your own divorce story. If this sounds like you, join our online Divorce Community and connect with divorcing people 24/7.

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Table of Contents | .com Directory www.divorcemag.com | 33 Fight Depression / Continued from page 32 Hearing you have a life-threatening ill- depression, please see a therapist.) ness is a real game-changer. It is terri- Here are seven strategies for com- mom, Kay, was also there. Kay is like a fying, actually. When I was told I had bating depression and thriving after second mom to me, and my daughters cancer and then left my abusive husband divorce: call her Grandma Kay. She is an amazing just days later, I could easily have sat in 1. Eat Well woman and truly an inspiration: Kay has an infusion room, cried my eyes out, and Your brain needs good nutrition. Now taken all of life’s lemons and made a very then gone home to... what? is the time to cut out processed foods sweet lemonade. I have talked to countless divorce and sugar and give your body the Some five years ago, Kay’s leg was survivors who also suffer from depres- nutrients it needs to thrive. Add amputated due to a severe blood clot. sion and PTSD. What to do about it? foods high in Omega 3 fatty acids Two years later, her husband passed Let divorce beat you down, or live with (like salmon), loads of fresh fruits away. She now lives alone in her home, purpose? and veggies, beans, and nuts. Drink wheelchair bound. It would be very easy Let me tell you, thriving is far bet- lots of water. Add lemons to give for Kay to remain holed-up at home, ter than drowning in pain and sorrow. In it flavor. I am also a huge fan of crying about how the kids never visit fact, overcoming life’s challenges rocks! unsweetened ice tea, especially in enough and watching life pass her by It’s not always easy, but it is possible. heat. It’s a far better alternative than while watching TV. She has chosen (Note: if you’re struggling with clinical sodas and energy drinks. another path: Kay travels like no one I know. This summer, she took her two daughters, Julie and Vicki, on a road trip. They flew to Chicago, rented a car, and drove to Pennsylvania, New York, Washington, DC, Vermont, and New Hampshire. When that trip was over, she followed Julie and her family on a trip to Seattle, and then drove down the coast to their home in Long Beach, California. They made a stop somewhere in Oregon, and she went river rafting. After being home for a week, she hopped on another plane and went to Florida. Kay went with us to Disneyworld, and she didn’t miss out on a single ride. I couldn’t believe her energy level – it far surpassed mine even though I’m 47 and she’s 72. She is home now, but leaving for a conference in Salt Lake City in a few days; she’ll be doing the 12-hour drive herself. We talked about her mindset on life. “I want to live,” Kay said. “When Jim passed away, I decided that I wanted to spend whatever time I had left in this world doing things I love. I may be in a wheelchair, but so what?”

Sprinkling Sugar on Life’s Lemons Yes, so what? So life hands us lemons. What do we do about it? Suck them dry, lamenting at how awful they are – or we sprinkle sugar on them, add water, and enjoy a sweet lemonade! I can’t tell you how many cancer survivors I talk with who are in the Take a hike! Or go for a walk, take up yoga, ride a bike, or adopt a dog and walk together. throes of depression. Hey, it’s common. Do something (anything!) that gets your heart rate up for an emotional boost.

Table of Contents | .com Directory www.divorcemag.com/health-and-well-being | 34 2. Get Proper Sleep leave home. All she did was cry all 7. Try New Foods You must give your body time for day. I wanted to scream. She was in One of my favorite activities is try- proper rest. It is possible to get too remission! Something not all can- ing new foods. Look up an inter- much sleep, however. Each of us is cer survivors ever achieve. What the esting recipe, try cooking with an different, but about eight hours (give hell was she doing crying all day? ingredient you’ve never heard of, or take) is good. If you’re consis- I met another cancer survivor who or hit up an ethnic restaurant. Take tently getting a lot more sleep than was extremely upset over 4th of July a friend or your children with you that, force yourself to get out of bed. weekend because no one invited her and enjoy a hearty conversation over Likewise, if you are consistently to their home and she was alone. I your meal. sleep-deprived, it is nearly impos- asked her why she didn’t host her Although it may sound counter- sible to function properly. Get fresh own party or hit up the local fire- intuitive, during and after divorce is linens in your room, diffuse a relax- works by herself and meet new a great time to challenge your current ing scent, and consider taking a hot people? Neither cancer survivor had routine and take you outside your com- bath before getting in bed. It will good answers. Sometimes, there is a fort zone. Sometimes, finding joy and relax and calm you. “joy” in being a victim. We expect happiness takes work and commitment. 3. Make a Bucket List and Get to others to “just know” that they need Even if you don’t feel like it, do it any- Work! to help us and when that doesn’t way. Your mind and spirit will thank Make a list of things you’ve never happen, we love to wallow in self- you for it.  done but sound like fun. Now start pity. This is a terrible mindset and working on crossing things off your solves absolutely nothing. Get out When Lizzy Smith was diagnosed with multiple myeloma in 2012, she Although it may sound counter-intuitive, during made the difficult deci- and after divorce is a great time to challenge sion to leave her husband and move with her two your current routine and take you outside your young daughters to another state to seek treatment. Lizzy is comfort zone. Sometimes, finding joy and now in remission, and she and her happiness takes work and commitment. daughters are all doing well – living proof that life post-divorce can be beautiful. www.DivorcedMoms.com/ list. One day when I was sitting in of the house (shower first!) and go blogs/lizzy-smilez infusion getting chemo, I made my do something fun. Get a pedi, hike bucket list. Just writing things out a trail, adopt a homeless pet... If you gave me a huge emotional boost. don’t feel like it, do it anyway. Related Articles While I might have been very sick, 5. Exercise there was going to come a day when Go for a walk. Take up yoga. Garden. Feed Your Body & Soul I would feel better and I could start Do something (anything!) that gets Stressed? Depressed? Choosing the having fun again. My list included your heart rate up. Adopt a dog and right foods during divorce will help places I wanted to visit, trails I walk together. If the weather allows, you not only feel your best,but also wanted to hike, and skills I wanted try and get outdoors and take in nat- remain clear-headed so that you can to learn. Here I am, four years later, ural vitamin D and fresh air. It is a make better decisions. Here are four and I’m steadily working on that huge emotional boost. fast tips to feed your body and soul list – and adding more items to it. 6. Help Someone Else during this stressful time. Several months ago, I went to South Spend your time doing something www.divorcemag.com/articles/feed- America and hiked around Iguazu kind for someone else. Make a meal your-body-soul Falls in Argentina and Brazil. I went for a homebound senior, play cards The Transformative Power of hang gliding. And I was published in with seniors at a residential com- Self-Care the Chicago Tribune. munity, volunteer at your child’s Here are some simple ways you can 4. Force Yourself to Get out of the school, or knit caps for cancer survi- begin nurturing yourself and start House vors. Serving others helps us realize making self-renewal part of your I once met a cancer survivor, who that we aren’t alone and that there everyday life. is in remission and doing very well, is always someone else who has it www.divorcemag.com/articles/the- who spent crazy amounts of time worse. Plus, you might make some transformative-power-of-self-care lamenting that she was too sad to new friends.

Table of Contents | .com Directory www.divorcemag.com/health-and-well-being | 35 specialfeature

On April 1, 2016, you can attend the first online learning center for those thinking about divorce, going through a divorce, and moving on after a divorce. Announcing The Divorce School!

his year, Divorce Magazine and www.DivorceMagazine. where people will learn to make better choices before, during, com are celebrating our 20th anniversary of offering and after divorce. Divorce professionals as well as real people support, advice, and guidance to separated and divorced who have experienced the process first-hand will share their individuals.T As part of our anniversary celebrations, we’ve expertise and experience through videos and podcasts; free, teamed up with www.DivorcedMoms.com (the Web’s leading practical, and transformative, the first semester will begin in resource and community for divorced moms) to launch The April 2016. All videos and podcasts will be available 24/7 for Divorce School (www.TheDivorceSchool.com) – which will free download during April, May and June. oﬀ er videos and podcasts from a wide range of leading divorce professionals, as well as separated and divorced people. Who Is on the Faculty? • Honorable Michele F. Lowrance, the Dean of The Free, Practical, and Transformative Divorce School, is a divorce mediator and a retired family The Divorce School will offer essential guidance about every law judge in Chicago. She has more than 39 years of expe- aspect of the divorce process: legal, financial, emotional, and rience as a lawyer, judge, and mediator; she is also a child children’s issues. of divorce and is divorced herself. • Are you concerned about the legal process of divorce? The • Diana Shepherd, CDFA™, is the Editorial Director and Divorce School is for you. Co-Founder of Divorce Magazine. The author of hundreds • Are you in the dark about how child custody and child of divorce-related articles, she is a nationally-recognized support will impact you and your children? The Divorce expert on divorce, finance, and remarriage issues. School is for you. • Cathy Meyer, Master Certified Coach (MCC), is the • Is communicating and co-parenting with your ex challeng- Divorce Support Expert at About.com and Managing ing and making you pull your hair out? The Divorce School Editor of www.DivorcedMoms.com. She has been a sin- is for you. gle mother for 16 years with two children. • Are you stuck and unable to move past the negative emo- • Megan Hunter, MBA, is an international speaker and tions caused by your divorce? The Divorce School is for author on the topic of high-conflict disputes and compli- you, too! cated relationships. She is the Co-Founder of the High The Divorce School is a unique online learning center Conflict Institute and Unhooked Media.

Table of Contents | .com Directory www.divorcemag.com/divorce-news | 36 • Pegotty Cooper is President of Financial Divorce Advice Divorce Coaching, Inc., celebrating • What You Need to Know About Child Support 5 years in training and certifying per- • Alimony: Will You Receive It, or Will You Have to Pay It? sonal Divorce Coaches. She is also a • How Property Is Divided During Divorce co-author of the recently released book • How to Recognize a Fair Divorce Settlement Divorce: Overcome the Overwhelm and Children’s, Co-Parenting, and Stepfamily Advice Avoid the Six Biggest Mistakes. We need you in • When and How to Talk to Your Children About Divorce our community changing the face of divorce! • A Conversation with Two Adult Children of Divorce • Veralynn Morris, CDFA™, has more than 30 years of expe- • How Child Custody Decided? What Impacts the Decision? rience as a financial professional. The Founder of Divorce • Gender Bias in the Family Court System Financial Solutions, Inc., she helps clients understand the • Co-Parenting with an Irrational Ex impact of today’s decisions on tomorrow’s financial future. • The Importance of Parenting Time • Vera Bergermann, managing attorney of Bergermann Law • What Is Parental Alienation – and How to Deal with It Firm, has been practicing law for more than 35 years. She • Using a Personal Divorce Coach to Become a Successful has been a family law mediator for more than 20 years, is Blended Family a qualified Parenting Coordinator, and holds a Master’s • Blended Families: A Conversation with Two Stepmoms degree in Taxation. • John P. Cito, CDFA™, helps divorcing women by devel- Coping with Divorce and Divorce Recovery oping a strategy to obtain the best settlement. He serves as • How to Handle Divorce-Related Stress his clients’ personal CFO to handle all their financial and tax • Is Your Ex a Narcissist? issues after divorce. • Sex and Divorce • Peggy L. Tracy is a Certified Fraud Examiner (CFE) and • Do You or Your Children Need Therapy? Certified Divorce Financial Analyst (CDFA™) who focuses • Overcoming the Trauma of Infidelity on forensic accounting for divorcing clients. • Creating a Support System • Dr. Sheri Meyers, the author of the book Chatting or Cheating, is known as America’s leading infidelity and inti- High-Net-Worth Issues macy expert. She’ll discuss how to detect infidelity, affair- • Complicated Finances/Taxes/ proof your relationship, and rebuild love and trust after an Hidden Assets affair. • Is My Spouse Entitled to What • Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, is a divorce and parenting coach I’ve Earned? and the Founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network. • Preparing for Long-Term The author of several books about parenting, she has created Litigation and a High-Conflict an audio coaching program for divorced parents. Divorce Process • Alison Fosbery, MA, is a Registered Psychotherapist who • Business Valuation and Divorce is passionate about helping separated and divorced couples move past resentments and achieve common goals. A child Who Should Attend The Divorce School? of divorce, she has been working with families for 10 years. You! If you are thinking about divorce, working your way • Dan Couvrette, Publisher and Co-Owner of Divorce through the divorce process, or trying to rebuild your life after Magazine, www.DivorcedMoms.com, and Family Lawyer divorce, The Divorce School offers courses relevant to where Magazine. Happily remarried for 18 years, he is the father you are in the divorce process. of two adult sons from his first marriage. You will be able to access as many – or as few – Divorce • Martha Chan is the Co-Owner of Divorce Magazine, School podcasts and videos as you wish. If you have questions DivorcedMoms.com, and Family Lawyer Magazine. She about whether you should keep or sell the family home, how has been a supportive stepmother for 18 years. child support and spousal support work, how to increase your chances of getting joint or even sole custody of your children, What Courses Will Be Offered? and proven strategies to help yourself (and your children) heal Here are a few topics we have on the agenda, with more to from divorce, you'll find the answers at The Divorce School. come as we move toward the start of our first semester. There are no fees: just watch/listen and learn. Join Us now to get reminders and updates at www.TheDivorceSchool.com. Legal Divorce Issues See you in school! • Will I Need a Lawyer? How to Choose a Lawyer • Do It Yourself Divorce • Getting Prepared for Divorce

Divorce Mediation • An Overview of Divorce Mediation @ • Mediating a High-Conflict Divorce

Table of Contents | .com Directory www.divorcemag.com/divorce-news | 37 healthandwell-being Ways to Make Room for Spiritual 7 Healing

For many people, the decision to divorce brings up feelings of guilt, shame, and a sense of failure. Here’s how to make room fofor spiritual and emotional healing after divorcedivorce.

By Dr. Gitu Bhatia, Psychologist

Table of Contents | .com Directory www.divorcemag.com/health-and-well-being | 38 ivorce and separation have all Spiritual and Emotional each other for the mistakes made kinds of legal, financial, and Healing during the marriage, and wishing emotional consequences. One Spiritual healing can take many forms. each other well going forward. This Daspect of divorce that is not often talked Here are seven ways of making room can also help children feel validated about is the spiritual consequence ex- for the spiritual and emotional healing and hopeful about the future. perienced by the family members. It after divorce: Growth and change often come is safe to say that, for many, divorce with some amount of pain and anxiety. is a legal dissolution of a religious or 1. Finding support of a religious Understanding your own core values, a spiritual contract. For many people leader/guide who understands your and your religious and spiritual beliefs, raised with strong religious beliefs, the situation may be helpful in getting may actually help you reorganize your decision to divorce brings up feelings through this difficult part of your life with more clarity and meaning after of guilt, shame, and a sense of failure. lives with compassion, forgiveness, divorce.  Of late, many distinctions are and room for healing. made between religion and spiritual- 2. Young children and adolescents Dr. Gitu Bhatia (Psy.D.), ity. Generally speaking, spirituality is may have different questions and a former family mediator described as a more personally chosen concerns about their own religious for the Los Angeles and individual experience compared to and spiritual beliefs. Get the guid- Superior Court, is a psy- religion. Religion may or may not be ance and support of others who have chologist in private prac- chosen by one, and tends to be a more similar values and beliefs to provide tice and adjunct faculty at collective experience that is guided by answers and bring clarity. the Graduate School of texts or leaders. While religion and 3. Free yourself by learning to for- Education and Psychology at Pepperdine spirituality bring up inner conflicts and give. Forgiveness is not the same University. She teaches cross-cultural question your faith, these beliefs and as accepting behaviors that are psychology and supervises students in values can also be helpful in getting unacceptable. their clinical work. www.gitubhatia.com through one of the most difficult times 4. According to recent studies, medi- in people’s lives. Although in this coun- tation, a staple of many religions, try we support the separation of church is known to reduce emotional pain. Related Articles and state, in reality, religion often 5. Perhaps you were not active in a frames our view of right and wrong church or temple before your separa- 5 Tips for Surviving Your and a sense of fairness and justice, and tion or divorce, but this may become Emotional Divorce needs to be addressed for healing and a place of refuge at a time of per- Not recognizing how powerful growth for all members of the family. sonal crisis. Acceptance from others the emotional experience can be in your faith may help the process leaves couples vulnerable to the of refueling and healing for you and rollercoaster of unexpected feelings your children during and after the that surface once a divorce is final. divorce. These places sometimes www.divorcemag.com/blog/5- also provide a community of sup- tips-for-surviving-your-emotional- port, which helps reduce the isola- divorce tion many divorced people feel. 6. Avoid getting into conflicts regard- Meditate Away Your Stress ing religious holidays and obser- The practice of meditation offers vances with the other parent. peace, serenity, and calm – a Remember that these holidays pro- welcome respite from the turbulent vide you and your children a sense emotions of divorce. of hope and continuity. www.divorcemag.com/articles/ 7. If possible, create a divorce ritual meditate-away-your-stress with the other parent. After the initial emotional turmoil has had time Surrounding Yourself with Real, to settle, for the sake of their chil- Loving Support dren, parents may decide to have By surrounding yourself with people a divorce ceremony that who really support your happiness includes recogniz- now, you will heal faster! ing what was www.divorcemag.com/blog/- good in the mar- surrounding-yourself-with-real- riage, forgiving loving-support-

Table of Contents | .com Directory www.divorcemag.com/health-and-well-being | 39 .comdirectory

Your best online resources before, during, and after divorce.

FAMILY LAWYERS Feinberg & Waller A.P.C. Phillips Whisnant Gazin Gorczyca & (800) 655-4766 Curtin, LLP ALBERTA – CANADA www.feinbergwaller.com (949) 644-4007 Westbrook Law & Mediation Centre Experienced lawyers practicing exclusively in [email protected] (780) 424-1212 family law with integrity. www.pwggc.com [email protected] Honor, Strength and Equity describes our www.divorcemag.com/online-profiles/ Freid and Goldsman, APLC allegiance to our clients. ab/alberta-anita-dorczak (310) 552-2700 Family law, mediation, and collaborative [email protected] FLORIDA divorce. www.fglegal.com Stephen T. Holman, P.A. Experience and skill enable them to obtain (850) 435-6909 BRITISH COLUMBIA – CANADA favorable results. [email protected] Kahn Zack Ehrlich Lithwick, LLP www.stephentholman.com (604) 270-9571 Harding & Associates Experienced family lawyers who have nearly [email protected] (925) 417-2202 five decades of experience. www.kzellaw.com [email protected] Innovative solutions for your family law www.hardinglaw.com ILLINOIS matters. Helping clients get the results to which they Aronberg Goldgehn Davis & Garmisa are entitled. (312) 828-9600 CALIFORNIA [email protected] Brandmeyer Gilligan & Dockstader, LLP Salomon Law Corporation. A.P.C www.agdglaw.com (562) 431-2000 (310) 282-0858 Experienced family law attorneys who han- [email protected] [email protected] dle each case in a cost-effective way. www.bgdlawyers.com www.salomonlawcorp.com The largest family law firm in the greater I have been where you are at and I can help. Boyle & Feinberg, P.C. Long Beach/South Bay area. (312) 376-8860 McGaughey & Spirito [email protected] Feinberg, Mindel, Brandt, & Klein, LLP (310) 465-1000 www.boylefeinbergfamilylaw.com (310) 447-8675 [email protected] Mediation, collaborative divorce and liti- [email protected] www.mcgs-law.com gation services in Chicago and Arlington www.fmbklaw.com Guiding you to resolution through collabora- Heights. FMBK is known for its first-rate legal rep- tive divorce, mediation, litigation, and trial resentation and exemplary personal service. work.

Table of Contents | .com Directory www.divorcemag.com/directory | 40 Law Office of Laura M. Urbik Kern, LLC DeTorres & DeGeorge, LLC Weinberger Law Group, LLC (630) 993-1230 (908) 284-6005 (888) 998-8859 [email protected] [email protected] [email protected] www.laurakern.com www.danddfamilylaw.com www.wlg.com A child-centered family law practice. Your future is our focus. Trusted authorities on New Jersey divorce and family law. Levin & Brend, P.C. Einhorn, Harris, Ascher, Barbarito & (312) 726-4440 Frost, PC Williams Law Group [email protected] (973) 627-7300 (908) 810-1083 www.levinbrend.com [email protected] [email protected] Forensic divorce attorney: “We find money.” www.einhornharris.com www.newjerseydyfs.com A trusted adviser, every step of the way. Experienced lawyers compassionately advo- Law Office of Paul Feinstein, Ltd. cating for children and families. (312) 346-6392 Finnerty, Canda & Concannon, P.C. [email protected] (201) 845-4000 NEW YORK www.paulfeinstein.com [email protected] Collier, Halpern, Newberg & Nolletti, Experienced Chicago family law attorney. www.familylaw-nj.com LLP We guide you through the process. (914) 684-6800 INDIANA [email protected] Broyles, Kight & Ricafort P.C. Gebhardt & Kiefer, P.C. www.chnnb.com (317) 571-3601 (908) 735 - 5161 Extensive experience in complex matrimo- [email protected] [email protected] nial litigation. www.bkrfamilylaw.com www.gklegal.com Integrity (Skill+Trust+Reason)=BKR Family Law. Highly-skilled matrimonial attorneys ready OKLAHOMA Finding solutions together. to fight for you. Echols & Associates (405) 691-2648 LOUISIANA Laufer, Dalena, Cadicina, Jensen & [email protected] Remy Law Firm Boyd, LLC www.echolslawfirm.com (985) 893-0610 (973) 285-1444 124 years of combined legal experience in [email protected] [email protected] family law. www.remylawfirm.com www.lauferfamilylaw.com Professionals dedicated to the practice of The expertise and commitment to provide ONTARIO – CANADA family law. superior service. Nathens Siegel LLP (416) 222-6980 NEW JERSEY Leslie Law Firm, LLC [email protected] Ceconi & Cheifetz, LLC (973) 631-8002 www.nathenssiegel.com (908) 273-6300 [email protected] Family law specialists who are results- [email protected] www.leslielawfirm.com driven. www.ccfamlaw.com Known for experience and a compassionate A principled approach to divorce law in NJ. approach to family law. QUEBEC – CANADA Azran & Associés Avocats Inc. Charny, Charny & Karpousis P.A. Shimalla, Wechsler, Lepp & (514) 499-2010 (856) 505-1700 D’Onofrio, LLP [email protected] [email protected] (908) 922-4238 www.azranassocies.com www.charnylaw.com [email protected] Montreal lawyers with expertise in a wide South Jersey divorce and family law firm www.swldfamilylaw.com range of practice areas. with aggressive advocacy and a practical 105 years of combined high-quality family mindset when it counts. law representation. SOUTH CAROLINA Lester & Hendrix, LLC. Pamela M. Copeland, Counselor at Law Stolfe & Zeigler, Counselors At Law (803) 252-4700 (908) 561-6800 (732) 240-9555 [email protected] & [email protected] [email protected] [email protected] www.copelandlawnj.com www.szfamilylawfirm.com www.lesterandhendrix.com The highest-quality divorce legal services at a Provide skilled, experienced, and individu- A team approach to family law cases. reasonable cost. ally-suited legal representation.

Table of Contents | .com Directory www.divorcemag.com/directory | 41 TEXAS Linda Forman, CPA, P.C. PENSION VALUATION John K. Grubb & Associates, P.C. (847) 316-1040 & QDRO SERVICES (713) 877-8800 [email protected] [email protected] www.divorcecpachicago.com Voit Econometrics Group, Inc. www.johnkgrubb.com They will do everything it takes to get you (239) 948-7711 Aggressive representation in family law mat- the best possible financial settlement. [email protected] ters in the Houston area. www.vecon.com NEW JERSEY Specializing in QDROs and valuation Loughmiller Higgins, P.C. DebtWave Credit Counseling, Inc. of pensions for divorce. (972) 529-5554 (888) 686-4040 [email protected] [email protected] www.loughmillerhiggins.com www.debtwave.com SOCIAL MEDIA Experienced divorce attorneys dedicated to Making Your Life Simple. helping you navigate your legal roadmap. www.facebook.com/DivorceMagazine HAIR RESTORATION Short•Carter•Morris, LLP www.twitter.com/DivorceMagazine (713) 626-3345 FLORIDA [email protected] Bauman Medical Group, P.A. www.facebook.com/DivorcedMoms www.shortcartermorris.com (561) 394-0024 Experienced in high-net-worth and complex [email protected] www.twitter.com/DivorcedMoms divorces. www.baumanmedical.com Hair restoration for men and women. www.facebook.com/TheDivorceSchool FINANCIAL ADVISORS MEDIATION NORTH AMERICA WEBSITES Institute for Certified Divorce Financial ILLINOIS Analysts™ C.E.L. & Associates www.DivorceMag.com (800) 875-1760 (866) 922-4733 [email protected] [email protected] www.DivorcedMoms.com www.institutedfa.com www.yourdivorce.org National organization dedicated to the Bridging the gap between conflict & resolution. www.TheDivorceSchool.com certification, education, and promotion of financial professionals in the divorce arena. Hon. Michele F. Lowrance (Retired) www.MarriageAndSeparation.com (312) 655-0555 CALIFORNIA [email protected] www.ChildrenAndDivorceGuide.com DebtWave Credit Counseling, Inc. www.michelelowrance.com (888) 686-4040 More than 40 years of experience as a judge, www.MoneyAndDivorceGuide.com [email protected] lawyer, and mediator. www.debtwave.com www.FamilyLawyerMagazine.com Making Your Life Simple.

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Table of Contents | .com Directory www.divorcemag.com/directory | 42 specialfeature How Long Did You Consider

16% 18.8% 7.8% Divorce? How long do most people 21.4% think about divorce before 12.7% taking action? Several years, according to a recent Divorce 23.3% Magazine survey.

By Avital Borisovsky

been recovering from the depths of the Great Recession, many couples no longer Less than 1 year 6 to 10 years need to stay in their marriage for financial reasons. 1 to 2 years More than 10 years In fourth place at 16% was people 3 to 5 years I did not initiate the divorce who had not initiated the divorce. Some of those reported being “blindsided” by the request. One woman’s husband dropped the bomb one week after they returned t the beginning of January 2016, still speaks to how hard it can be to make from a romantic dream vacation celebrat- Divorce Magazine posted an on- the final decision to end a marriage. “I ing their 25th wedding anniversary! line survey asking our readers and knew he was cheating for years, but I Based on comments, infidelity was visitorsA how long they thought about di- stayed because I was raised to believe that the most common reason participants filed vorce before initiating the process. More divorce was not an option. I really regret for divorce. “I was completely blindsided than 430 people responded to the survey, the years I lost waiting,” said one woman by my husband who cheated for over 3+ and many took the time to write comments who contemplated divorce for more than yrs,” said one respondent. explaining their answers. 10 years. Another respondent reported “I had 3 small children back then, and According to the results, 23.3% considering divorce “on and off since he was the breadwinner. I stuck it out for waited three to five years before finally about year 8 of my 20-year marriage, but my babies to have the life they deserved taking action – followed closely by those I struggled most in the last three years.” until my middle child, then 18, found out who waited one to two years (21.4%). This Of course, some people took action he was cheating and kicked him out. We is not surprising, as most spouses make a relatively quickly; 18.8% waited less than never looked back. She knows she saved few attempts to save the marriage – or at one year between first considering divorce me in a sense. I was too weak to do what least wait and see if there’s any change and initiating the process. The shortest I needed to do. But now I am strong and on their spouse’s behavior – before taking time noted was one day! Today’s society happy!!” said another respondent. the initial step towards divorce. “It took tends to value instant gratification: many “I waited for my daughter to get me 5 long years to build up enough cour- people are unwilling to wait long to get through her bat mitzvah before moving out age and to realize I could do it!” said one what they want, and couples no longer feel – and then waited another year to [file for participant. “I haven’t looked back since the necessity to stay together if either or divorce],” said one man. “I was hoping my and have never been happier.” both parties are unhappy. Of course, there ex-wife would have had the decency to do Although only 8% of women and have always been people who are quick to it since she was the one with a girlfriend ... men who were surveyed revealed they make decisions – and just as quick to act She declared she really was a lesbian after waited more than 10 years to divorce, it upon them. Finally, since the economy has 20 years of marriage.” 

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Photo credit: s_bukley / Shutterstock.com

By Avital Borisovsky

In honor of Divorce’s Magazine’s 20th anniversary, we’ve chosen the top 20 “best” celebrity divorces from the last 20 years.

ince releasing our first issue 20 have managed to take the high road in new spouses. It was a blended years ago, Divorce Magazine has their divorces; here are the top 20 best family like no other. Rumer, the Switnessed the rise and fall of some divorces from the last 20 years. divorced couple’s oldest daugh- of the most famous celebrity marriages. ter, has been quoted as saying, Going through a divorce is diﬃ cult dur- “I never had to split up vaca- ing the best of times, but it can be even tions or split up birthdays… harder when the eyes of the world are 1 Demi Moore & Bruce Willis They always made an effort watching your every move. When you Top honors go to Demi Moore to do all of the family events factor in the rumors, tabloids, and hav- and Bruce Willis, who sepa- still together and made such an ing to divide millions of dollars in as- rated in 2000 after 13 years of effort to still have our family be sets, it’s no surprise celebrity divorces marriage. Their divorce was as one unit, as opposed to two are often quite tumultuous. clearly amicable: numerous separate things, which I think However, there’s a growing trend photos were taken of the actors really made an impact.” of amicable Hollywood divorces, and at events and on vacations we’d like to honor those celebrities who together with their children and .../Continued on page 46

Table of Contents | .com Directory www.divorcemag.com/divorce-news | 44 Top 20 Divorces / Continued from page 44 it’s not with you,” Cox told More daughter in Bora Bora in 2015, magazine. The two have been seen and in Hawaii the year before. Gwyneth Paltrow & Chris Martin taking their daughter Coco out for The exes continue to spend holi- 2 Shining a spotlight on the idea of lunch together and attending her days together, and Sambora has “conscious uncoupling,” actress soccer matches. expressed his love for Locklear: Gwyneth Paltrow and musician “Time does heal old wounds. I Chris Martin have maintained Fran Drescher & Peter Marc mean, I still love Heather and I a close friendship since their 4 Jacobson know she loves me.” divorce in 2015. In a recent article Art imitates life: Fran Drescher and in Glamour magazine, Paltrow Peter Marc Jacobson made a televi- 6 Russell Simmons & Kimora said she sees Martin as a brother. sion show based on their divorce. Lee Simmons “We’re still very much a fam- After 21 years of marriage, the This isn’t your average divorced ily, even though we don’t have a high-school sweethearts called it couple. After more than 10 years romantic relationship,” she told the quits; soon after, Jacobson admit- of marriage, business magnate magazine. The two have been spotted to Drescher that he was gay. In Russell Simmons and Kimora Lee ted vacationing and spending time 2011, the exes were back together Simmons, TV personality and for- together with their son and daugh- again – only this time in the TV mer CEO of the clothing line Baby ter, and Paltrow even admitted show Happily Divorced, which Phat, called it quits. However, they both occasionally sleep over played off their real-life divorce they have since remained close at each other’s houses. Although experience. According to Drescher, friends. Not only have the exes not every situation allows for such the two are best friends and “still spent holidays together, they have close co-parenting, the two are a have a caring, loving relationship.” also vacationed together numer- perfect example of how it’s pos- ous times with their children and sible to stay friends after divorce. Heather Locklear & Richie new spouses in tow. To top it off, 5 Sambora Simmons is the godfather of Lee Courteney Cox & David Arquette In 2007, after 13 years of marriage, Simmons’s son with current hus- 3 After finalizing their divorce in actress Heather Locklear and musi- band, Tim Leissner. Simmons has 2013, actors Courteney Cox and cian Richie Sambora went through nothing but kind words for his ex- David Arquette have remained an amicable divorce. So much so, wife and her new hubby: “I feel friends. “When you love someone, the divorced couple was spotted incredibly close to my best friend you want them to be happy, even if vacationing with their teenage Kimora Leissner and her amazing spouse and now my business partner, Tim Leissner.”

Jennifer Lopez & Marc Anthony 7 They were friends before they began a relationship, and they’re still friends to this day. Despite their divorce after 10 years of marriage, the two have spent time together with their twin children, most recently celebrating their twins’ birthday. The singers have also appeared on stage together since the divorce, showing off their smiles and happily holding hands. Jennifer Lopez has stated that she and Marc Anthony are good friends and very supportive of each other. 8 Mariah Carey & Nick Cannon Since Nick Cannon filed for divorce from Mariah Carey over a year ago, the still-married couple has stayed pretty amicable. Both have posted

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[email protected] • 866.803.6667 x 124 Table of Contents | .com Directory | 46 happy family photos online – separate homes on the same prop- a family photo, alluding to their including on Thanksgiving, Easter, erty so their three children can be close friendship. Griffith has stated and Halloween – showing that near both parents. They are doing that she was “really joyful” and they have been putting differences their best to keep the divorce ami- “life is good.” aside for their children. The host of cable – including hiring a mediator America’s Got Talent has also used to help come up with an agreement Caitlyn & Kris Jenner social media to send his congratu- in their family’s best interests. To 14 Although their divorce after 24 lations to Carey on her engage- make the divorce even easier on years of marriage was tense – espe- ment to James Packer: “Congrats their children, this past Christmas, cially when Caitlyn Jenner began to @MariahCarey and James! May the estranged couple made it a the process of transitioning from God Bless Your Future Union… point to spend time together as a male to female – the two have #GreatPeople #GreatCouple.” family after taking a winter vaca- since become closer. Caitlyn, pre- tion in Montana with their children. viously gold-medal winning ath- 9 Reese Witherspoon & Ryan Although their divorce is not final, lete Bruce Jenner, and Kris Jenner, Phillippe Affleck and Garner have proven reality TV star and mother of the In 2007, actors Reese Witherspoon their commitment to making their Kardashian sisters, have been spot- and Ryan Phillippe divorced after split easier on their children. ted at events together, including eight years of marriage. They have their daughter Kylie’s birthday and stayed friends while raising their Peter Facinelli & Jennie Garth Kendall’s Victoria’s Secret Fashion daughter and son. In a 2014 inter- 12 Twilight star Peter Facinelli and Show. While Kris has admitted to view on HuffPost Live, Phillippe Jennie Garth, known for her role having a difficult time adjusting opened up about his relationship in Beverly Hills, 90210, have been to Caitlyn’s transition, she empha- with his ex-wife. “I think we’ve able to put their children first – sized the importance of letting go gotten to a really great place,” he despite their divorce. The two have for the family. “We have two chil- said. “It’s going well, and she’s kept a joint bank account, which is dren together,” she recently told happy and remarried, and our kids available for both to access when Harper’s Bazaar. “It’s important for are incredible.” The two have been funds are needed for their three my kids to see our family strong seen attending their kids’ sporting daughters’ care and education. Both and united.” events and birthdays together, and declined child support; instead, have also been spotted together on they agreed to deposit equal Miranda Kerr & Orlando Bloom family outings. amounts into the joint account. In 15 Despite their 2013 divorce, for- addition to that, the pair opted out mer Victoria’s Secret model Angelina Jolie & Billy Bob of having a formal custody agree- Miranda Kerr and actor Orlando 10 Thorton ment and agreed to have 50-50 Bloom have stayed friendly. Just They were known for being that custody of their children. These last spring, Kerr admitted to liv- crazy couple who wore lockets two are a perfect example of ex- ing across the street from Bloom containing each other’s blood, and spouses who trust each other and so both of them can be near their they seem to have been able to sus- put their children first – important son, and the pair has also been seen tain a friendship after their 2003 aspects of successful co-parenting. spending time together with their divorce. Both have spoken posi- child. “We’re really close, we’re tively of each other, and Angelina Melanie Griffith & Antonio going to be a family forever and Jolie also wrote the foreword to 13 Banderas we both really do love each other. Billy Bob Thornton’s memoir. “I After nearly 20 years of mar- We have genuine love and respect still love him dearly and think the riage, actors Melanie Griffith and for each other,” Kerr said during world of him… I’m proud to have Antonio Banderas signed their their separation. been his wife for a time,” she told divorce papers in July 2015. Their Entertainment Weekly in 2008. split seems to be amicable: in a Hilary Duff & Mike Comrie joint statement, the exes stated 16 After separating in 2014, actress Ben Affleck & Jennifer Garner they would end their marriage and singer Hilary Duff and Mike 11 Some spouses continue living in the “in a loving and friendly man- Comrie, a former NHL player, same household until their divorce ner honoring and respecting each were seen going out together with is finalized for financial reasons. other.” Months after their sepa- their son and even taking a family However, in Ben Affleck’s and ration in 2014, Griffith posted a vacation shortly after announcing Jennifer Garner’s case, money isn’t photo of Banderas and their daugh- their separation – despite an ongo- the issue: they have agreed to have ter Stella on Instagram as well as ing custody battle. The divorce

Table of Contents | .com Directory www.divorcemag.com/divorce-news | 47 was finalized this February, and peacefully. In a joint statement fol- growing up with divorced parents the two have agreed to share joint lowing the divorce, Heidi Klum and a stepfather, recognizing the custody and keep a friendly rela- and Seal explained they were going importance of having both parents tionship for their son. During an through an amicable divorce and maintain a consistent presence in interview on the Ellen DeGeneres that protecting the wellbeing of their child’s life post-divorce. Show, Duff had this to say: “We their children was a priority. Klum are good friends and we laugh a was quoted calling her ex-husband Howard Stern & Alison Berns lot. We have great communication “a great man” and wishing him all 20 In 2001, radio personality Howard and we share pictures when one is the best with his new girlfriend. Stern and his college sweetheart, not with Luca. He’s great, we are Klum, a model and judge on Alison Berns, finalized their great, and we keep on trucking.” America’s Got Talent, and Seal, divorce after 21 years of marriage. a singer-songwriter, have been The pair went through mediation Megan Fox & Brian Austin Green photographed taking their four to finalize their agreement, and 17 Despite filing for divorce recently children out to dinner together not much was revealed about the (in August of 2015), actors Megan and appearing at their kids’ soccer pair’s divorce since both stayed Fox and Brian Austin Green are games, looking friendly and even away from the media – which was already taking on divorcing ami- giving each other hugs. surprising given Stern’s reputation cably. The pair has been seen tak- as a “shock jock.” ing their kids on outings – such 19 Kate Hudson & Chris as on Thanksgiving – and running Robinson While we admire celebs for their errands together. Green is currently While they’re not taking any vaca- talent, these famous couples certainly seeking joint custody of their two tions together, actress Kate Hudson deserve recognition for their ability to sons as well as spousal support and The Black Crowes singer Chris keep things civilized – and sometimes after being unable to work due to Robinson are doing a good job at even friendly – during a very difficult a serious car accident over a year co-parenting their 12-year-old son time in their lives. Divorce is never ago. Ryder. Since their 2007 split, the easy, but finding some common ground two have been seen spending time and thinking about what’s best for your Heidi Klum & Seal with their son, including attending children can make the entire divorce 18 Although the two reportedly had his baseball games and strolling process, and the years that follow, a lot a difficult divorce in 2014, they through the streets of New York easier. If these celebs – who live their have since spoken highly of each City together. Hudson has spo- lives under a microscope – can do it, other and seem to able to co-parent ken openly about her experience so can you. 

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