Issue 828 University of Surrey Students' Union 2nd December 1994
Itwon't happen
to me....
• • It won' t happen to me" - the W % utopian mytb and one we use ali too often. Itcertainly applied to me. AIDS and HIV are something you read or hear about, which happens to mìnority groups, its something distant from your life. Well that's a lie and the only person who will suffer from these lies is you. l'm not a drug user, and at the time I had only had 3 sexual parmers in 21 years, whicb I did not consider sleeping around and I am heterosexual - it defmitely wouid not happen to me. This was the most d^gerous idea I bave ever had in my life and considering Tm amongst the top 5-10% of the population the most stupidi I al ways thought that with a parmer p{ 4 years and loving him very uch, condoms would have de- m stroyed our intìmacy - WRONG - unprotected sex whilst fon ai the time wilI always mean, the un- likely (in your own mind) but nev- ertheless undisputed, possibility of contracting HIV. After one and half years mit - you know the prejudiœs that exist, three days in hindsight were the longest of the relationship ending HIV and AIDS you were as guilty as the next person in in my life. Of course I contemplated how was stili not a concern. But just before holding these préjudices; you feel stupid I would feel about a positive result and of Christmas two years ago my nightmares and ignorant. course I thought of suicide - not in the "I became reality. I got a phone cali which I The pressure of this on my mind was can't cairy on any more way", but more could not and did not want to accept horrendous. I had to teli someone. I because it was a way out: a way of avoid- There was a chance I could be HIV posi- thought carefiilly about who I told. I chose ing ali the prejudices and stigma which tive - déniai was rife, but I realised it did someone who I believed had a very r^ exist in your mind and evwyone else's, not matter that I was not part of a "minor- perception of such issues, someone who prejudices whicb I would have to face. ity" risk group - sex: a naturai and enjoy- wouldn't be shocked or repulsed and who I went back for the result, the hardest able part of life had ensured that HIV and is a dose friend. To say it upset him is an thing I have ever had to do, everyone likes AIDS could affectme. Understatement, but it helped me réalisé to believe tbey're in control of what hap- To réalisé this and not dismiss the possi- thiU I was not alc»ie in holding the utopian pens to them and I felt I had lost that The bili^ takes a lot of cor.'rage and is by no myth so religiously. Inspite of ali this, the result was negative. I don't know if my ex means any easy conclusion to reach, but I test was my décision and mine alone. Ali was so lucky - for it is purely luck, every did and believe me it is very frightening. I can say now is the fear of not knowing tìme you have unprotected sex you are Having acknowledged this I then had to is far worse than knowing one way or the playing Russian Roulette - please don't decide whether to go for a test I chose to other in this case ignorance was not bliss. fmd the bullet rotates round to you: try and deal with this alone for the first Going for the test was easy - after all it Wake up to the fact you are at risk -1 have! tluee weeks - it's not something you ad- was just another blood test The foUowing 2 Bare Facts \f Brwery aar P ologetic... tb^ the jumble sale did not happen last week, as they say it was due to circumstances compleiely beyond my control! How- ever, rest assured ali bargain hunters out there, the jumble sale will be happening on Friday 9th December between 12 and 1 instead.Very aPologetic... Big Thank You To everyone who has donated lo the National AIDS Trust this week and to Guildfwd AIDSlink, the money will be well re- ceived. The week has been a great success and I bave been v^ pleased to see so many supportìng AIDS awareness by wearing Red Ribbons. I hope the week has gone some way to getting rìd of the piejudice and discrimination which so sadly stili exists in some people's minds. If you bave any concems or questiCHìs about the week and any of the issues raised then please do not hesitate to see me. Welfare Committee You have ali been great this tenn and this week has been no exception - keep up the good work. If you are interested in getting invol ved with any of the awareness weeks run by the Union, then come to the Welfare meetings Friday Ipm in the Nelson Mandela Room - everyone welcome. Degrees of Debt Surveys Thanks to everyone who retumed a survey durìng week 5,1 have been so inundated with them that it has taken me longer than I originally anticipated to collate the info. I hope to have ali the results ready for publication next week. Heather Stych Vice President Welfare & Education Heather says "Use a Condom' Lets talk about AIDS PlaysoG Training Sessioni IDS ÌS offìdally non-existent in Russia and will continue to be. Russian n^onalistic politìcians have introduced nterestedinvoliteeringfor a clause that abuses basic human rights. They bave Adecided to forbid foreigners, be they students or business men entrance into Russia without showing a negative playleaiigandlielpiiigni AIDS test certificate. However, you can volunteer to have it done at the customs on arrivai in Russia unless you drop your holiday plans and want to be on the next piane back home. le U-tenn and sunmer playschemes? AIDS was introduced by an HTV-infected American travelling to the USSR, so the officiai state opinion says. AIDS was then seen as the badies capitalist disease from the West and therefore did not occur in the Socialist block. People were deliberately Collis oleng to our misinformed about the disease and unaware of the pqssibilities to protect against it Condoms were not widely available and those you could get hold off on the black market were tbick, training session rubber-like and ineffective. The mytbs about AIDS lives on today. Russia has admitted to only 130 deaths caused by the fatai IU< disease since 1987 and only 831 HIV- infected prople, wbile the UN names at least 8000 HIV- victims. Interestingly enough, a 5-8pm n tS 1/3 of the the infected people are children - an unlikely group fbr being infected by foreigners. Ihun. 8lh D*c«mb*r Russian healths authorìties now admit that the number of AIDS S-8pm n £1 victims is steadily growing and bave accepted the concepì of greaier awareness. However, it has noi prevented nimours and misunderstandings about the csuise of üie disease. Ibis is re- Refreshments provided flected in the new policy of testing ALL foreigners. Il seems very bizarre to think that AIDS is only spread by foreigners. Indeed they are the only ones being targeted by the Russian AIDS Fuiiher ìofo. from Wdfsre Office noticeboard awareness campaign. 2nd December 1994 CHEESY QUAVERS Political hat makes people take social risks, I wonder? I ask this because of three events that happened to me this Correctness week. One was the watching, for the first time, the Wmovie Philadelphia. Another was the whole AIDS Because of the nature of this subject an article like this is Awareness Week put together by Heather Stych and the third extremely hard to write. The best way to approach this, I decided, was the multiple ¿cisión to look fcM* a house to rent next year, was to ask you a few questions. share it with fellow bon vivant Dave Smithee and to look for some third or fourth person to share it with. All of which involves What do you think If you see a man wearing a red ribbon some sort of risk. expressing his support for an AIDSNHIV charity? Yes, I know that watching a movie doesn't involve too much risk, but that's not what I meanL We'd all like to think that we're What would you say to a Men-Only night in the Union» responsible types when it comes to the important things, like a bearing in mind that there seems to be nothing wrong with a quick bonk leading to a slow death. Given someone questioning Women-Only night or, similarly, advertising In this very us I'm sure that we'd all answer that of course we always use a paper a Women-Only night of entertainment In Guildford? condom when engaging in horizontal recreation. But being the small, barefoot, farty creatures that we are, it's not unheard of for us to lie so that we don't look socially unacceptable. The Who would you think is to blame If you were told that a white movie made me think of the number of times I have not been as male moved residences because of racial abuse? good a boy as I should have. Equally, it shows that the girls I weren't squeaky-clean in the morals department every single These are just a few examples based on some of the events in and time, either. Now, you can 'ahem' and lecture me firom your high around the union in this first term. I am disgusted by all forms moral ground as much as you like, but 1 doubt if there's many on of abuse, be they racial or gender based, but 1 am personally this campus who haven't, at some time or other, put spontaneity worried by seemingly more incidents where (granted just a few) and fun higher on their list of priorities than caution, concem and people are using their status as a 'minority' to have the last word common-sense. We're human; if common-sense was meant to in arguments or ensuring their own personal needs are heard be a part of our makeup then how come we have such ridiculous above most others. It might seem to you, the reader, that 1 am bits like emotions, goolies, appendixes and our ridiculously both a racist and a sexist, but I can only assure that I am neither. shaped and pathetic^y weak spinal column? Risk can be a I am just worried that 'political correctness' can go too far and dangerous thing, indeed. But risk doesn't have to be just over the for you to remember that "What's good for the Goose is also life and death stuff. It can be over the seemingly trivial, like who quite nice for the Gander". to share a house with in the second year. What if this third person drinks a harmless can of coke left in David Smithee the fridge and turns into an axe-wielding homicidal maniac? What if they turn out, after a pleasant first few days, to have a penchant for leaving their wet laundry all over the house - tights over the bath, boxers over the radiators, t-shirts over the tops of Important Notice to doors, you know the score. What if they can only cook vile- smelling concoctions that would make the three witches in Hamlet turn in their cauldron? What if they enjoyed nothing All Clubs and Societies more than clipping their toenails whilst watching TV, with you next to them on the couch trying to eat your dinner? And what if you were then stuck with them for the following year? What if Dave and I put an ad in Bare Facts and someone fitting this description applied? We are thinking of putting in an ad, after The Unim Coshim^ (^fice all. As the Narrator said at the beginning of Rocky Horror - what will no longer be indeed? Lee Hopkins Endsleigh Office open on Wednesdays Opening Hours from 2nd - 16th December Thür isrOosed, Fri 2ßd Closed, Mon 5th - 6Ui 10 - 4pm, Wed 7th Olo^^'rt, Thür m 10 • 4j.in. In 9th 12 - 2pm. Moii liüi n < 2pin. 1 iicj; Pih 10 • 4pm. Wed HthCiosed.ThwtSih 10'4pra,Fri I6th 12-2pra, The office iiill itili ke ofei on Moniifi, Tyeiiayi, .We apolQgise for any, inconvenience causea. Tbiiijfi ili Friiijfi kettfeei 12 noon ani 2 f j. FOP Inunediafe cover OR^MERGENCIESPLEASEI phone 0485* 61AZly or call at 42-44 Htgh St Guildford. Open Mon > FH 9 - 6pm S»t 930 - 1pm Tdc i/iaid tfw ^ <(m tMjmalUm mi «ipdifiu ^ mf iMdmiUem 4 Bare Facts Dear Editor. In reply to Rob Jackson's letter Special Club in last weeks edition all mem- Bare Facts bers of the University, who live Committee in the exclusion zone are enti- tled to purchase a parking per- Meeting Union House mit if paragraph 5(c) of the University of Surrey University Parking Regulation To discuss the apply to them. proposed alterations Guildford Parking is free and unrestricted Surrey in car parks 1,3 and AW over- to Union House flow on Union Hill after 6pm GU2 5XH and before 7.30 am weekdays Wednesday 7 and throughout the weekend Tei: (01483) 259275 until 7.30am Mondays. December at 1 pm A number of students living in Fax: (01483)34749 the exclusion zone and at H^el Mandela Room Email: [email protected] Farm have been granted park- ing permits on special grounds The deadline for submissions by the Appeals Panel. is Noon on the Tuesday Staff and students are treated equally in All welcome the allocation of parking permits. There is preceding publication. a Student Appeals Panel which includes both the President and the Vice President of the Student's Union. A. Watling (Chief Security OfBcer) Editorial hy have I devoted the front page to something which we had a pull-out on Dear BF & USSU, last week, and which has been talked about in the Union all week? Because Having just been to see Philadelphia, and it's IMPORTANT, that's why. HIV affects anyone who is active sexually, being an avid believer in Human Rights, I am shocked and saddened to see that Wwhether you're in a stable relationship or noL You just have to read the there are still so many bigots afraid of report on the front page. And if you're having a one-night stand, the personal you're these issues, e.g. AIDS and Homosexual- going to bed with may not have HIV, but how are you going to know? ity. However, the support of World AIDS You may all say 'Yeah, yeah, I know about safe sex', but do you actually practise it? Week, which is being shown by the It'sveryeasy to 'forget' when the time comes. And BANG! you'vejust increased your USSU is very inspiring and uplifting. I chances of getting HIV. But should we all go and get tests? Well, having one won't hope we can show the world that we are do any harm. And if you' re so sure you' ve not got it, what have you got to lose? You alive and caring for those victims of can do the test anon>inously, so no-one will know. Think about it. prejudice. I will be purchasing my red As Bare Facts goes to press, I hear news of an occup^on at the University of East ribbon on Monday and will wear it with Anglia. Students are occupying the Top Floor, which is the staff canteen. ApparenUy pride. the university has been spending money on Roof As a first year student, I would like to say U)p gardens which are vis- Sigma Visuals Graduation Photographs a big thank you to BF for making me feel ible to no-one but those in requires assistants for the Degree Ceremonies a part of my University every Friday the highest levels of build- when I read BF. ings, and a bowling green. on Friday 9th December ^ Lets care about each other this week and This wouldn't be so bad is every week. there wasn't mattresses at going mouldy in new stu- Kim. dent accommodation due to inadequate ventilation. They are refusing to COTI- pensate the students af- fected. There are also reports that the University has stopped spending money on booVs in Uie li- HFUNE- brary. There is a plan to expand the ibrary here at Surrey Information and in a few years time. Hope for the day Helpline service all goes according to plan. £40 See you next week, and 8pm-8am have fun, butbe careful out (one motorcyclist would be desireable) Internal Phone 4949 there. Jonathan Bennett Comms Officer If you are interested phone Jane Between Wey and Possibly an HIV carrier on Wandle in Surrey 0483 235151 Court (how would you know?) for further details 2nd December 1994 graduates only repay the same, in real Confronting the issue Dear Sirs, terms, as ihey borrowed. Borrowers do of Student Hardship Thank you for your letter dated 17 No- not have to begin repaying their loans vember 1994 about the Govemment's until the Aprii after they leave their Below is a letter from Manoj lo llie Prime policy of shifting the balance of student courses. Moreover, repayments are in- Minister and the Secreiary for Education. support from grant to loan. come contingent: they begin only when Manoj put the views of University of Stu- I should say first that this policy should the borrower's income reaches 85 per dents to the Government, and the reply- be vie wed in the context of the total pack- cent of average eamings. Any former stu- from the Government is printed to the age which we will be making available to dent whose income never reaches that right. students. The total support available to threshold (currently some £14,5000 a students in 1994/95 through the main year) will pay nothing: the loan is can- Let's hear your voice rates of grant and loan will be 4 per cent celled after 25 years or at the age of 50 (or higher than in 1993/94, thus maintaining 60 for older borrowers). For those whose Don't forget to use the example letter its value in real terms. The supplemen- income does exceed the threshold, the from last week's Bare Facts to let your tary maintenance grants payable to older level of repayment should be manageable. M.P know about Student Hardship. students, disabled students and single stu- The Government continues to keep repay- dents with dep>endents will also be in- ment levels under review, and will adjust creased by 4 per cent. The Government the repayment terms as necessary as the The Rt Hon John Major MP level of debt increases. Prime Minister regards this package as very good news You also suggested that because of the 10 Downing Street for students - especially when set against shift from grant to loan, students from London the background of a very tough public poorer backgrounds would be deterred 17 November 1994 expenditure round. from entering higher education. There is Dear Prime Minister There are now more students in higher no evidence that the introduction of stu- I am writing on behalf of the students of education than ever before: nearly one in dent loans has had a deterrent effect, as every three young people now enter critics claimed it would: certainly the re- the University of Surrey to protest against higher education compared with one in cord numbers now entering higher educa- the cut in student grants coupled with the eight in 1979. Against that background tion do not bear that out. Moreover the move towards a loan based system. The there is a growing consensus that gradu- Students' Income aiìd Expenditure Sur- students at Surrey unanimousiy passed a âtes - as the main beneflciaries - should vey, published in December 1993, found motion about Student hardship at our contribute more to the costs of their atten- that students entering higher education General Meeting urging that the loan sys- dance in higher education. Tltô Govern- from less well-off backgrounds have tem be abolished. ment also believes that there is aclear case shifted from being the minority in 1988 to It is our belief that forcing students into for them to do so; and that has been ac- being the majority now. By extending the debt has a detrimental effect on their stud- cepted by the Committee of Vice Chan- loans scheme we are offering support on ies. Many students are reluctant to take cellors and Principals, the Royal Society equal terms to ali students, regardless of out a loan and will therefore go to extraor- and many others. It is for this reason that their background, against the expectation dinary lengths to supplément their granL we have decided within the overall uprat- that, should their university education This may involve part-time work which ing of student support referred to above, lead to higher eamings in the future, they often conflicts widi their study time or to provide for a greater proportion of re- will repay some of the cost of their atten- even cutting down on the basics such as sources to be channelled through the stu- dance. food to purchase vital course materials. dent loans scheme. These are the people which I am sure you It has always been our stated intention to We recognise, however, that there may be will wish to see being the leaders of to- replace grants progressively with loans circumstances in which further help may morrow. until the two éléments are broadly equal. be needed. Additional assistance is avail- Futhennore a system which is based on In order to achieve that, since the loans able through the Access Funds. These loans rather than grants further alienates scheme was introduced in 1990 the level allow universities and colleges in Great those students from poorer backgrounds. of grant has been maintained in cash Britain to provide extra discretionary sup- You yourself are an example of a success terms whilst the loan facility has in- port for students in particuiar need. story from humble beginnings, but how creased each year. Current low levels of Yours sincerely many 18 year olds today will relish fur- inflation, however, mean that further ther and higher éducation which culmi- shifts in the balance from grant to loan Steve Blackett nâtes in a £6000 debt? We believe that under these arrangements would be slow. Higher Education Branch parental wealth will be a key factor in the We have therefore decided to accelerate Awards and Loans Group educational plans of young people today the process by reducing the level of the and that this should not be the case. main rates of grant in each of the next The students at the University of Surrey three years and making correspond- also face the problem of living in one of ing increases in the loans rate. By the most expensive régions in the country. doing so we will share the cost of At the moment there are only two levels student maintenance between tax- of grant - London weighted and non-Lon- payers, graduates and parents in a ^base Recycb don weighted. There are a few institutions way which we firmly believe is more whose students suffer the same prices as équitable than the présent arrange- London but receive a standard non-Lon- ments. There is no immediate effect don weighted grant We believe that there on student finance, as students have should be a two-tier award system based nothing extra to pay during their on the cost of living in a particuiar area as studies and have a right to defer re- Bare ¥àcts opposed to simply London or "the rest". payment thereafter until their in- I look forward to receiving your reply. come reaches a qualifying threshold. 3ìii5 inths Uibn and Yours sincerely You expressed concem about the level of debt which students will face Court RecetTtìons Manoj Palei as a resuit of the shift from grant to Students' Union Président loan. Il is worth pointing out that loans are indexed to inflation, so that 6 Bare Facts Reviews The Marking Scheme BOMB THE BASS: LIVE REVIEW - 5 - Mr Daydream Darkheart (Part Two) (Stoned Co-Creators at the Union. Helghts) As I sat talking to my friend, quietly sup- 4-MrTickle Once upon a time Bomb The Bass made ping my pint I happen to mention that I 3 - Mr Bump lots of records with an unknown girlie hoped that this band weren't rub- 2- Mr Mean singing or wailing over the top of a dodgy bish,(well Üiat's not exactly what I said 1 - Mr Uppily dance beat. So I was not looking fonvard but this a established public^on) when Anything lower is to reviewing this single. However, this ali over a sudden this ch^ jumped out Mr Kenneth Clarke does not have an unknown girlie wailing from behind me and walk^ slowly over over the top but has a series of techno/dub to the centre of the dance floor. He picked beats combining with a rather spliffed out up sort some of cow-bell and started do- SINGLE OF reggae voice making the odd référencé to ing a funny sort of dance which thriUed "Darkheart" and it works, this CD in- the crowd, soon there were five or six of THEWEEK cludes two remixes by The Sabres Of these funny men doing this dance routine (SURprise SUR-BLOODY-PRISE) Paradise and remarkably they have man- that Take That would be proud of, and the aged to lose all aspects of the tune and crowd loved it. THE STONE ROSES: song completely and sound completely This ladies and gents was the Co-Crea- Love Spreads (Geffen) différent to the first track. AU in ail this is tors, and they win the much coveted Finally, fmally after 5 and half a very mellow record and the sort of thing "Most Originai Start To A Gig Award". years of waìting and waitìng that does not make you get up and boogie The music they played was fresh and en- i and bitìng my naUs and banging and have a good time. It's slow, smooth ergetic and it combines rap with latin and ^ my head on the wall and gener- and most of ail it's coooool. A suiprised traces of ska. The lead rapper jumped ally going insane until the day Mr Tickle of a record. around ali over sage and lead the rest of comes. The Stone Roses return. the band in dance routines that even East DRUGSTORE: 17 would die for. The songs lyrics had a The memories of beìng 14 and Starcrossed (Honey) largely politicai output and this explains running off to London to see The postmark on the envelope says Sep- why they have been seen gigging with them at the AUy Rally and pack- tember 12th so if there are any fans of this such luminaries as Back To The Planet, ing my sleeping bag into my band yes I know it's been out for bloody The Levellers and Rub Ultra. Songs such cousins ccHnbie and travelling Up to Spike Island all flooded ages, but promotional companies are a tad as "Criminal Justice" and "The World Is my mind as I stood over my slow in getting new releases but it's only Your Roister" went on about the govem- Stereo and prepared myself. The 3 months late so it's quite new. No, really ment and how bad it is. next five and a half minutes itis. When the end of the gig arrived I tumed would be the most exciting time Anyway, Drugstore are an indie band to my friend who was by now quite dizzy of my life since I first wenl to Thorpe Park who have recently been treading the stage with excitement and answered my earlier when I was 10. Well was it worth the with the likes of Gene and Elastica. They statement Not rubbish, but quite brill re- wait.... play a mixture of "typical" indie rock with ally. Their debut single is released on a nice genüe feeling to it and a voice that Deœmber 5th, so you better go out and OH BLOOD Y HELL YES! every thing you can compare to üiat of the lovely Ms buy iL A Mr Tickle of a gig. that I expected to be in this record is there, Harriet Wheeler of the Sundays. Steve French lan Brown's dopey lyrics, Jon Squire's It's a very quaint little record which no very famihar guitar riffs, the whole thing doubt will be lost in that great record shop sounds so peifect that it's riding high up in the sky along with other lost classics MUSIC NEWS there with ihe likes of "She Bangs The like the first Dodgy album and "Perfume" Drums" and "Eléphant Stone". Oh my by the Paris Angels. The B-Side is the best The Stone Roses (yaaawn!) have denied god, life is good. More Mr Daydream than song with the word "Acclerate" in it since ali rumours circlating about the prospect Mr Daydream himself. "Accelerate" by The Poppy Factory. of them doing any gigs this year, there Again Mr Bump is the flag being waved have been several suggestions of gigs, the CONSOLIDATED: here. main one being that they are the extra Butyric Acid (London) extra special guests appearing at Primal At the moment there are a lot of rap bands Saeam's Xmas gig at Brixton Academy thaï have made the crossover to have ELEVATORMAN: on the 17th of Deœmber, Üie other is a mainstream success mainly due to the Funk & Drive (Wired) suggestion of a fanclub only gig at the presence of an electric guitar, bands like There comes a time in every music re- Manchester Apollo on Boxing Day and Senser, RATM and The Beastie Boys are viewers life when you just cannot think of finally they is an idea that for some reason al! enjoying c(»rmiercial success. Con- words to describe how horrifically awful they might weil be playing at TJ*s in solidated are a rap band who haven't had a record is. Elevatorman have had this Newport on New Years Day as a thank much success despite the presence of an effect on me. The best thing about this you to their Welsh studio helpers, but as electric guitar and a politicai opinion. record was the noise the case made when yet no such luck. This single isn't likely to give them much it met my boot and then the bottom of the Somebody who are touring in 1995 are radio play (too many naughty words) and stairs, it's such a bad record that even those cheery chsq^s in Suede who have won't grâce the lower reaches of the Top Woolworths won't stock it in their 49p just announœd an 11 gig tour for January 100, but if you like Senser eic, then please bargain baskets, in fact I offered to give it calls at ali the major towns and tickets check this out because you'll love it Collectors Record £2 if they gave a good will be vastly over priced and support will A slightly chubby blue chap with lots of home, but even they refused, so now I lay be from Goya Dress, so you can guarentee b^dages around him, or Mr. Bump to his awake at night listening to my bin cry out their success in 1995, as the last two sup- friends. in anguish as Elevatorman lies there tor- port bands on full Suede tours have gone menting our souls. Straight out of the Ken on to success, namely Radiohead and Clarke school of garbage. Gene. 2nd December 1994 Pearl Jam, those sad excuses of supposedly god-like musicians who basically are rubbish, release their long awaited third Jim lavare: An Interview album on Thursday, (not long enough, try 1(XX) years next time.) so we'll all be wetting our pants over that one won't we, It's quite an unusual act you've got, how did the music and well Sound Barrier will anyway. comedy thing come about? Johnny C^h, who was the star of this years Glastonbury I came to London when I was 19 and I was a DJ as a pumper for Festival has just announced a one off date at the Albert H^ in bands and various things but l've always played the double bass early May next year, so dig out those Stetsons and boogie, and I was in a rockabilly band as well up in Manchester where I incidenUy there is an hour long special on Mr Cash on Chajmel come from. I then entered the comedy world and realised I shoiJd 4 over Xmas, if you're interested. be doing that with the bass 'cos its what I know. It's tl^ old thing Oasis have recorded a brand new single, their fu^t since the about writing what comes closest to you. So I did and I was release of "Defmately Maybe". It's called "Whatevei'' and is hulking that thing around for ages without having any jokes on released on December 19th and according to Liam Gallagher it it but I knew that it was going to be the thing 'cos it woiked, is "The best song ever bloody written" it is also backed wiUi ironically just standing there with it, and then I satrted making two previously unreleased songs. They are appearing on Later music with it and stuff that an audience would pick up on straight with Jools Holland, with an eight piece mini orchestra some- away like sound effects and that kind of thing and to kind of time in the near future. highlight what I was saying rather than do it with my mouth like Senser have rescheduled their cancelled U.K tour for February, most comics. And then the bass became a personality of her own, the original tickets are still valid and the same venues are being Bassie was bom and I've had about 4 basses ever since cos I was used. standing on it doing fiddler on the roof impersonationsand they The Rolling Stones have announced their first "tour" of the U.K were breaking but I've got one strengthened now and insured for since 1990, the ageing rockers take their transit van (complete a lot of money. with zimmerframes and ear-trumpets) to Sheffield Don Valley Stadium on July 9th 1995 and Wembley Stadium on July 11th. So you're originally from Manchester? Bets are already being taken on just how dmnk Keith Richards I was bom in Stepney in London and moved to Manchester when will be on stage. I was 7. And finally, it has been revealed that, that lovable, cuddly, fine So where do you count as your home these days? figure of a man, Jonathan King has been put in charge of this North really, cos that's where I spent my time till I was 19 but I years entry for Song For Europe, he wants Shampoo to do it. live in London now- and I have done for quite a while. Uh Oh we're in trouble Do you notice a difference in the audiences across the coun- Steve French try? Yes, students are very different to any other sort of audience, they're a bit rowdier for a start, but they're also the cleverest really, they're up fw new ideas and you can usually go off on a tangent and they're with you all the way. But on the whole you develop a technique for delivering your best stuff and making everyones visit to the gig worthwhile. I did about 30 Uni gigs in Febmary and Tve got a stock of heckle put downs whidi you need. I actually started my career in a pl^e called the Tunnel STREETS AHEAD Qub which is now shut down due to violence in Greenwich, SE London. They closed it 'cos one of the acts got hit on the head with a pint glass, when I started there they had this thing every The U.K. Campus Chart week: get J.T. off in under a minute. >Mïen I stayed on for over a minute I realised I had a career in comedy. 1. CIGARETTES AND ALCOHOL Oasìs CrtaMn Students tend to react the same though, would you say? 2. TRUEFArrH -94 NewOnier London They can be extremely rowdy but then they know if you've got 3. THE WILD ONES Suede NuOe something to say they tend to shut up. If there's no seats inside 4. CONNECTION Elastica Oecaptn« the gig they tend to get restless but if there are seats and the mike 5. SURE SHOT Beastie Boys Grand Aoya« can be heard I don't see why you can't always deliver. 6. 8ANG&BLAME REM Wamm Have you got anything to say about Matthew Hardy? 7. PARKLIFE Blur FoixVB« Yeah, I'm working with him at the mo. He's one of my favourite S. IFIONLYKNEW Tom Jones zn 9. LIVE FOREVER Oasis Cntton new comics and his best joke is: "Wonderbras are called wonder- 10. SEETKER Veruca Sali Hi Ri« bras 'cos in the morning you wonder where the tits have gone!" 11. CLOSE,.Bm' Echobelly fttiylhrti King Yeah, he's my favourite comic at the mo and he's quite new. He 12. WELCOME TO PARADISE GREENDAY WEA did really well in Australia but he wanted to ccxne and work out 13. WOW & FLUHER Stereo Lab Duotfio'iic here 'cos he felt there was a load of opportunities out here, this 14. ALICE, WHAT'S THE MATTiR? Terroivision ToU Vegas being a more progressive nation. I shouldn't say that but it's 15. SLEEPWELLTONIGHT Gene CosBrtnongei better for comedy here. He's different to me. He's very high 16. rTAlNTACRIME HouseolPain XLRecordinfs energy where I'm a bit more deadpan. 17. SLY Massive AttacIc Circa 16. OCEAN PIE Slied Seven Poiy4on I suppose I'd better ask you some boring questions like who's IS. VOODOO PEOPLE Tlie Prodigy XL your favourite composer? 20. SPACE COWBOY Jamintquai SonyS? I've had most comedy out of Mozart & Beethoven. I've had more jokes out of them üian any of the others. They' ve done me proud professionally. But I like Aaron Copeland for easy listening. I'd
Telephone No: 081.852 SS36 just like to add I've got a T.V. series coming out in January. CompUed: 17(b Novcmber 1994 Jim Tavare is apmanng as part of the Newcastle Brown Comedy Network in the Lower Bar on Wednesday 7th December. Doors open at 8pm Jone Bennett 8 Bare Facts GOING DOWN
Awright, Babe, go skiin' this year shall we? Yeah... terrified, and unfortunately too stupid io magine yourself s&idc up an Alp with the Essex couple realise who is using whom. from hell (he's a wide-boy, earring-sporting, Melissa is also the focus of Chris's lustful second-hand-car dealer with a fabulous taste in shiny sbell thoughts. Chris, played to gangling, insen- M Isuits, wbile she's a micro-skirted airbead who thinks sitive perfectìon by Tom Watt (I^fty in EastEnders, remem- Benidorm sounds "nice, eh Babe?"). Add to this the scintillating ber?) unfortunately needs to perfect his seduction techniques; company of a bored teacber from the Midlands and an "l'd really like to fuck you, Melissa" is not the worid's best easy-listening DJ from Radio St(^e (nuff said) and you surely chat-up Une, and demónstrales tellingly wby his long-teim have the makings of a tnily excellent holiday. relationship with Alison (Sarah Parish) is in such a bad way. What was that? You want a bit of glamour? A bit of excitement? Alison gives the play its only streak of optimism; she sleeps with Honestly, some people are hard to please! AH right, then - what the ski instructor, not because she is looking for a relationship if I throw in a silky-voiced posh bit whose husband is conven- (she is sawy enough to know that for him, a peik of the job is iently away on business in Brüssels, and a randy Austrian sid an all-year sexfest) but because she wants to live a little. Hie instructor who can't wait to show you his alpenhom (now he is instructor, is of course, a more accomplished lover than Chris, hard, lo please!). and, we suspect, knows how to give hw a decent orgasm. This Now don't run a mile. Yes - it is excruciatingly embarrassing. new-found sense of freedom is manifest in other ways too; in Bui that's what makes it funny. In On the Piste, John Godber's the unisex sauna, Alison plucks up the courage to go K^less like acute Observation and finely-tuned ear make much mirth out of Melissa; conirast this with Tom's insistence on wearing a hide- the socially cringe-inducing. ous pair of irunks whilst the ^ instructor, well-hung and proud This is essentially a play about relationships, ali of which, like of il, has no problem with his nakedness. the skiers, are going rapidly downhill. See how Dave and Bev There is, you realise after leaving the theatre, more to this play (brilliant performances from David James Easter and Virginia than appears on the surface. An ingenious set, feaüiring an Fiol), who can' t keep their hands off each other, and spend mosl alanningly-raked slope, no less, is put to excellent use and there of their time off-piste and in bed, end up crueUy wrenched are some hilarious set pieces - notably a ludicrous dream se- asunder, thanks to man's lergiversatiousness. Of course, Dave quence which includes Melissa fulfìUing Flake-fellatio fantasies was only after one thing from the start (and it wasn't ber of Chris and a spot-on Abba spoof which is the funniest (ab)use iniellect) and when Bev's grating whine eventually tums off of the Swedish songsiers since Alan Partridge. Aha. even he, be sets bis sighis higher. Surely the sophisticated FOT a fun night out, get On the Piste ai the Thomdike Theatre, Melissa (Amanda Fawsett) is simply gagging for a bit of rough? Leatherhead. The play runs uniil 3 December. Box Office: 0372 That lovely gold chain and saucy backless G-string he wears will 377677. surely do the trick. Of course, when MeUssa, frustraied by Brüssels, makes a move and devours him whole, he is absoluiely Andrew WUcock WEEK ENDING 8TH DECEMBER 1994 FRIDAY 2ND SATURDAY 3RD World Aids Week Friday Night Out UOS Qub presents 8-2am 'THE WINTER WARMER' Students' Uniort 9-2am £1 entry on the Door Lower Bar Tickets £2.50 in advance
V SUNDAY4TH MONDAY 5TH Ladies Rugby Club present Free Band ' An ANN SUMMERS party' SPEEDWAY 8-llpm Band on stage at 9.30pm Lower Bar OFU presents £1.50 on the door 'In The Name Of The Father' LADIES ONLY!! V LTG 8pm TUESDAY 6TH y WEDNESDAY 7TH MAC SOC DISCO Comedy Night 8-llpm 8-llpm LOWERBAR Lower Bar £1.50 on the Door feat JIM TAVARE £2 on the door NBA£labottle V HURSDAY 8TH No Wave Disco formai Bar opening times: feat Crazy Gods Of Endless Noise Upper Bar 7-llpm plus Support 9-2am Chancenors IHÌpm Lower Bar PIZZA+ 8-nuclmght £1.50 on ihe door FOSTERS ICE £1 a botüe (3am Thürs, Fri, Sat) see reverse for detaüs FORTHCOMING MAJOR EVENTS Saturday lOth December Friday 16th December PGA, Mature Students & RAG THE BIG CHRIMBO DISCO present 8-2am • THE SAD GITS 80s Night' Main Union 8-2am Tickets £5 in Advance Main Lounge see posters for details £1 on the door NO GUESTS ALLOWED Guests are allowed to all major events unless otherwise stated like for the CHRIMBO DISCO ABOVE. THATS RIGHT, NO GUESTS FOR THE CHRIMBO DISCO!!!! VISIT THE
TASTE SENSATION 5 & 6 December at the Lakeside Cor Park only £1 per bottlt in the Main Union 'pfvee Sttûttf- / im Just arrived in the Lower Bar
S éH^ t^ ^Wßen^ ^^ S YotaiiSléi| pter ìebts • ¿ISO fi the hk y you m WER BEER, you GDI IH 2nd December 1994 KEEPING UP he Rivals was Sheridan's first play, written in 1775 at but hasn't. Somehow, the quaint elevated style of the language a time when romantic love and lust, viewed as merely coupled with its sharp wit ensures the continued success of the ephemeral, were in no way seen as a pre-requisite to play. Tmarriage. The play's initial reception was not Sheridan's caricatures: the valiant suitor, the faint-hearted ef- favourable and as apples were hurled at the actors, Sheridan feminate lover and the manipulative maid are all hilarious but decided to revise his script. It was withdrawn, re-written and never slip into the realms of the ridiculous. The plot is, in some re-cast, and only eleven days after the first disastrous ways, Shakespearean, permeated with predictable twists and performance, became a triumphant hit which is still popular complexities. At the same time, you can't help being reminded today. of certain Blackadder episodes, especially as the hero, Jack In the present production, currently at the Yvonne Arnaud At)solute (played by James Simmons) bea^ an uncanny resem- Theatre, the cast is flawless. Patricia Routledge, perhaps best blance to Hugh Laurie. known for her portrayal of Hyacinth Bucket in the BBC televi- Though in many ways the repressive ideas of the period zrt sion comedy series Keeping Up Appearances is brilliant as the completely alien to our relatively permissive society, Lydia's wonderfully ignorant Aunt attempts to break away from conformity and assert her individu- Malaprop, who sees it as her ality find a point of identification with acontemporary audience. sole duty to fmd an eligible The main attractions of the play are its humour, brilliant cast and suitor for her unwilling great entertainment value. niece, Lydia Languish, The latter, for her part, is intent The Rivals is at the Yvonne Arnaud Theatre, Guildford uniil upon fulfilling her romantic 10 December. Call the Box Office on 0483 60191 for further dreams of falling in love and details. eloping with her elusive Fran Borg-Wheeler knight in shining armour. The play could so easily have lost its original appeal. ARTS ROUND-UP Yvonne Arnaud Theatre, Guildford ON CAMPUS Until 10 December: Patricia Routledge makes the most of her Malapropisms in Sheridan's classic comedy The Rivals. (See BF Wednesday 7 November: 1.15pm: PATS Studio One: review). Box Office: 0483 64571. Lunchtime Concert OFREE) Wednesday 7 November: 8pm: LTG: Arts Cinema presents Civic Hall, Guildford Short Cuts, Robert Altman's masterful collage of Los Angeles 2 December: 7.45pm: Adonis - The Fantasy Tour Lots of men life ad^ted from a collection of short stories by Raymond with bulging biceps and bulging G-strings. Carver. (Tickets (£2) must be bought in advance from the Union 5 December: 7.45pm: Buddy Holly and the Heartbreak Tour. Trading Desk. Tickets will NOT be sold on the door). 8 & 9 December: 7.45pm: Paul McKenna's Hypnotic Show. "It's not what you think," it says here. What the hell is it then? Listings compiled by Andrew WUcock Don't tell me he's going to sing... Arts Editor New Victoria Theatre, Woking Until 3 December: The Moscow City Ballet's production of Tchaikovsky's timeless cias&icThe Nutcracker. 6-10 December: Anton Rogers and Elizabeth Garvie star in Shadowlands. Extremely dull and pedestrian C S Lewis bio- play.Box Office: 0483 761144. Redgrave Theatre, Famham Until 3 December: Georges Dandin, or The Confounded Hus- band. Roland Jacquarello directs Molière's classic comedy of class, money, sex and marriage. Box Office: 0252 727000. Thorndike Theatre, Leatherhead S^eeùUVideA Until 3 December: John Crodber's après-ski comedy On the Meal Cuny + Rice £2.00 Piste proves that Uiere's more to a skiing holiday than getting from the top of a mountain to the bottom. Possibly the only show to feature an on-stage ski-slope, a bunch of skiers in designer Vcg Curry + Rice £2.00 romper suits and fluffy earmuffs, and a sexy bronzed instructor who can't wait to go down (!) this raunchy comedy promises an avalanche of laughter. (See BF review). 5-17 Decmber: Victorian Music Hall. Enjoy the songs and PHONE EXTENSION 3444 laughter of Christmas past Box 0ffice:0372 377677 10 Bare Facts ***** - Stupendous **** - Excellent *** - Pretty Good ** - Dumb * - Painful Josh and S.A.M. (12) *** 96 mins. Starríng Jacob Tierney, Noah Fleiss, Martha Plimpton, Stephen Tobolowsky. Dir. Billy Weber. Twelve year old Josh is an acccnnplisbed liar, and has managed to convince his eigbt year old brotber Sam that tie is actually a Peniagon-created weapon (S.A.M. stands for Strategically Altered Mutant). FoUowing their parents divorce they are sent to live wiüi Dad, and after nin-ins with their new step-brothers they take to the road in a stolen car. Okay, so this is re^y a bizarre kids* wish-ñilfílment movie, but so was "A Perfect World" and adults flocked to that I could sit bere and write a wordy review lambasting some of its more politìcally incorrect tbemes (homophobia and the virtues of irresponsibility) but this would be pointless as thu ñhn is not trying to make any serious socio-political points. It is really just a simple, well-crafted feel-good movie with a couple of ciu*efully cast kids doing the kind of things that Amerìcans seem to think that movie kids do when they feel alienated. The Last Séduction (18) *** 110 mins. Starring Linda Fiorentino, Peter Berg, Bill Pulman, L.T. Walsh. Dir. John Dahl. A New York doctor steals and sells a large haul of medicina! cocaine, only to fìnd that his wife has run off witb the money. Sbe heads for a small town calied Beston, acquires a job with an insurance fìrm, and attaches herself to a young man who works for the same company. After having to despatch a private investigator that her husband has hired, she Starts üying to manipúlate her new bo>friend into murderìng her hubby. An engrossing and intricate plot is pushed ^ong by characters who are much too well rounded to be found in this kind of "erotic thriller*. Surely it should be populated with one (or occasionali two) dimensionai ciphers who only exist as plot devices (as in Basic Instinct). The Last Séduction does have one major flaw though (apart from the audience's over-familiarity with the genre), and that is the general absence of tension. Karl Aliens Infest OFU Well, that describes the Gun in the OFU film this week, Naked Gun 33-and-a-third. This time, Frank Drebin (Squad Detective UNIVERSITY OF SURREY Lieutenant Police) is on an undercover mission in prison to try to foU a plot by mother's-boy Ward to blow up the Academy Award ceremony. Watch carefully fcM" the background sight gags, movie spoofs and, of course, Leslie Nielsen's facial ex- COMING UP . WEEK 9 pressions. Tidceis are available for £2.00 from the trading desk, or £2.50 if reserved with the House OfFicer. Fihn is shown c«i Sunday at 5pm and Spm, and Monday at Spm. Hair-hour Lunch-time Seminar In Lecüire Theaire G no-one can hear you scream at least not at the time that we are showing the Aliens trilogy as a late HOW TO BE INTERVTEWED niter. On Friday 2nd December, starting al 9pm, we are going THURSDAY 8 DECEMBER to show Alien, Aliens and Alien 3 back to back, going on inU) the early hours (if you're up to it). What's more, ali films are 1 p.m. in Careers Service uncut, and Alien and Alien 3 are in WWIID- DEESSCCRREENN, so you get even more atmosphere, sus- pense, scares and out-and-out action. Refreshments will be avail^le between films. Buy an excellent value ticket for only £3 in the Union Foyer between 12 and 2pm but hurry, they're selling fast, fast, fast! You can reserve your ticket with the House Officer in the usuai way (reserve tickets cost £4), but this PRACnCE APTITUDE TEST does not guarantee you a seat TUESDAY 6 DECEMBER The Arts Cinema filmo n Wednesday and the last one of the term 6 ' 8 p.m. in LT B (aaahhhh) is 'Short Cuts* - don't worry lads, it's not about that bloke in the States whose wife was a bit., careless (careful?) All 20 places already taken with the steak knife. It is a series of short stories giving a masterful collage of Los Angeles as a m^house. 22 everyday peoples' lives interconnect comically through work, swimming pools, sex, lies, murder and bizarrely, an abandoned dog. Tickets for the film are available from the Trading Desk, or can be reserved with the House Officer. The film starts at 8pm, and complimentary tea/coffee/biscuits will beserved firom 7.30pm. That's 'Game over, man. Game over!' for this week's column, so I shall leave you with this waming: Beware erupting stomachs and don't leave home withouta space marine orten, if you think it would do any good..... •CAREERS SERVICE Bishop. 2nd December 1994 ODEON, EPSOM ROAD Enquiries/Credit Card bookings: Guildford 578017. Advance Box Office open 2pm - 7pm. Student Discount available Mon-Thurs before 7pin (with NUS or ISIC card only). Friday 2 December for Seven Days Screen 1 : MIRACLE ON 34TH STREET (U) Remake of the 1947 multi-Oscar winning fable about a department store Father Christmas who goes on trial to prove that he's the real Santa. Some of you might have been unfortunate enough to come across the ghastly TV version of this classic; this one does a tad better, with darling Dickie Attenborough making a good job of the lead role. But does he do enough to dispel memories of his preposterous Scottish accent in "Jurassic Parte"? Chosen for this year's Royal Film Performance, a certain HM Queen pronounced it as "a lovely film" - not bad when you consider that she has allegedly detested this annual event ever since they made her sit through the remake of "Lost Horizon" in 1973. Now there's good taste for you! Fri/Mon-Thurs 1.10 335 6.20 8.50 Sat 1.00 335 6.20 8.50 Sun 1.10 6.20 8.50 Screen 2 : HIGHLANDER III - THE SORCERER (15) Christopher Lambert reprises the role of Connor McCleod - the eponymous immortal with a penchant for decapitation - for apparently the last time. That's if you don't count the TV series (which he turned down) which fortunately hasn't reached our shores yet This one takes him on a400 year journey through 16lh century Japan to modem day Marrakesh, Scotland and New York, pursued by bad guy Mario Van Peebles in a dodgy wig. Director Andy Morahan's visual pyrotechnics at times remind the viewer of what made Russell Mulcahy's original so good. But almost inevitably these efforts are seriously compromised by a banal and cliche-ridden scripL But if, according to the original, There can be only one', bow come we've now had three Highlanders? Daily at 1.25 3.45 5.55 8.15 Screen 3 : THE LION KING (U) With Christmas rapidly approaching and the Odeon apparently stuck for screen space, this could well be your last chance to see Disney's excellent animated animal epic. Close your ears when die songs come on though Daily at 130 3.45 Evenings: MARY SHELLEY'S FRANKENSTEIN (15) Despite the obvious pressures imposed by making a big budget movie for a major Hollywood studio ('no, you can't kill children', 'but it's in the original novel', 'what's that got to do with anything?') Kenneth Branagh does a remarkable job of sticking close to the original while also producing some thrills. Considering he's a stage actor and director, he has amazing cinematic visual flair, and tries his hardest to cover up some plot gaps (in Ms Shelley's source novel) by keeping everything moving at fever pitch throughout Having Robert De Niro as the aeature doesn't scupper the piaure, and even Helena Bonham Carter puts in a good perfomiance. This hasn't quite got the horror it would like (another Hollywood rule: you can't terrify people for fear of losing some of your audience) but it is still ambitious, epic and swashbuckling. Dally at 5.55 8.35 Screen 4 : TIM BURTON'S THE NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS (PG) The (almosO perfect antidote to the normal Disney-sweet Christmas. Hollywood's eccentric boy wonder here uses stop-motion animation to tell another dark tale. This time, however, it's not about Batman, ^^ # ^^ Beetlejuice or Edward Scissorhands. It's the grim fairy tale of Jack Skellington, the Pumpkin King of Halloweentown, who decides to kidnap Santa Claus and take over Christmas. Although actually directed by Henry Selick, it is producer Tim Burton's movie, with similar themes, images and the dark humour that made his other films so notable. It's a lot of fun in a black sort of way, with Danny Elfman's score and songs being somewhat better than certain recent Disney soundtracks. All in all, it's deliciously different being more ghoul than yule. Fri/Sun-Thurs 2.00 4.10 630 830 Sat 12.45 2.50 5.00 7.00 9.10 Pete 'n' Phil 12 Bare Facts ^Ï^The Ronçer Stomper is on Uie ^A - buying shoes is not a good excuse! - i^Ed - Oh woe is me - no padlock!! loose in Send - hide your C. i^I do NOT fancy D.C., I just want to have knives! R»-Stick on baby toy seeks prickly bush for his fluffy ducklings! Bryan (I think?) who e- five scratches and maybe large, round ^Evil Edna: Is your hair nahirally blonde- mailed me. Can you write back lovebites. or are you allergic to lemon juice? I've lost your number! ps42ab. Ï^Upstairs in 113 Weston Road is really i^s'Mac - Is it true goalies do it with ALL Ht'James - we don't wish to be BURNIN' HOT! - Sam and Helen. their kit on? I must be going wrong some- party poopers but get a life!! ! Thanks for abrilliantbirthday. You're all where! Rx fï^ Marrow, I need more practice to such great mates. Love Jo x. iis'I would be very grateful of more linemen. improve my time on your equip- Dear Gin, Hope you had fun feeding the J.D. Cheers to those who were there. ment. DUCKS on Sunday! From the posse P>Well, first I start wearing Helen's ¡Ï^To the House 62 rat fetisher - (quack). clothes, then we cover each other in Had any good rodents in the ^fc» Evil Edna: Do you take cash or American food! - Sam. shower lately?! S. Express for services rendered? tt--Anyone for cabbage and eggs? To the BioSoc man - perh^s we ^ Axe - Don't get paranoid BIG BOY - but i^^A - You can be a cauliflower when should do it sometime! Julia has told us EVERYTHING! Way- you've FINISHED your essay! - C. I^Alyson: SLOUGH! Ha! Beat hey!!! LoveR + Kxx. ^Jan - How come your legs bend out- you to iL ït'Mirry: Thanks for the Cake, hope you wards? Love, two big fans of yours xxx fÎî^Mc MR MR is in the house, enjoyed London, Loads of love, PAlJL i^"Captain Bunny" - Where's the lead in kicking the vibes - Love Eve & xxx. your pencil gone? - You let me down! Sheila. ïfc'Yankie - give me 10 Hail Mary's - JD LoveDarlenn' x lï^Steve, thanks for the other Dear Anne, our dearest departed sguatter ^Alex, Only 3 weeks until xmas. If you night. More gossip next time - glad oops! - sorry to see you go. Missing keep up the comments you can say your please. Love Jo x. you already, the place sure is quiet any- goodbyes tommorrow! - Love the up- Pïfe'U whoever you are - leave MY way! Love all at'Theshittip' P.S. Where stairs bedroom neighbour xxx BioSoc man alone. Role up did you say to bring the washing up??! i^i^'It must have been love, but it's over your sleeves and get ready to HOUSE 57 LADS: Mike Atherton rang, now,..!' it would have been 7 months!! confront me at micro practicals said "are you available for the 2nd test?" Whatever happened to Mr HISBTDW on Mon. Ï2>-Ben - Don't you feel better now you've and Smiley C? l^î^ToSkidders: Elegant slumming danced to Whigfield, put on lipstick, and Í^Anne "Morticia" Walshe (who studies on the pavements of Guild- snogged Kale's wall?? Love R + K xxx best on her back apparently) Will you ford?! t^Nicik) - It looks like you scored twice - please stop playing tonsil tennis on our ^ Mud Stockley, I thought I recognised the but it's only mactice - it doesn't count! doorstep?lx)ve no.lO. name!! Lots of love, Pilgrim xx t^The other Chris wants you to shake your House 13: Shout it from the rooftops ïî^To Becky "Apricot hair" (2nd year Rus- pom-poms for him instead! girls, "O Olav, O Peter!" (oops, you al- sian and Law) Albutt. Who was it you Sir Gary of Send # 1 - Get yer kit off! ready have...) were gauping over? Do remind me! ^Claire, 100 things she's done before Jihad man left at 1.10am. You used TWO don't need a toga to pull, but it does she's 25, except 40,64 and 65. by 2.00am. That was quick! le roi de la help! P.S. he wasn't that UGLY!! pi'Kamran - Stop following n^!!! français. ^How can someone who is such a li'-Man required for position of the fort- ^JJ: 'thought you promised not to get maneater claim to be a vegetarian? night Apply Bourne 3. married! (When's the hen party?) ^ Ali - Hope you ' ve got clean ones on even it-Neil, What have you done to my bloody ps'Poomonster; I had a yivid dream last if Tim's not going to get that far!! hair?? Helena "Scarface" Bonham Car- night, there were snakes in the mountains ps'Congratulalions to the 12 people who ter. but no hula hoops to be seen! passed their BCU 2 star certificates. ^ J: Surprises or graveyards? Find me both fî^Monster, Studley and Lou: A belated Becky at the Shit-tip, do you have to keep -now! sorry that I left the group, but the longer going next door for a big screw? (Screw- Joy: You know I'll "jwotect" you forever you wait, the better the result will be. You driver, sorry) more. Luv Chris. deserve the best - Bob. ^Rachel - So which Chris is it you like? ^JD: Borrowed anything recently? TSB! Ï^To the Jaffa Cake Lady - Thanks for your \?^Glitterboy - An 8 week academic career i^Nikki - Rash em girl, flash 'em!!! help and advice on Saturday - Love the is pretty impressive for someone from ifc'Julia F - Swollen lip or what! Too many Cookie Monster! the West Country. Ooh arr! weekends like the last and it'll never get ^To the latest NYMPHO off-campus, if Richard, Mike, Robert, Wayne, Kevin, belter. Love 'Bill' and 'Ben' the piss-taJc- you want a shag you'll have to come to Cooky...more to come. ing (wo) men! Cindies on Monday - from MY LITTLE Sir Gary of Send #3 - Don't let the barber íí^I've never told anyone Nickel Chloride BASTARD. fiddle with your short and curlies! before.. Jan - This personal is just for you Carol: I love you lots. Jamesy. ifc'Pen, you'll be jealous when you see ray - enjoy! Ï^My mummy loves me better than your silicon, lots of love MUD! ! 'P'What cr^ service I get when I go into mummy! ï^ Treacle Tart - do you think the lift in WHSMITHS! It must be all those day- ^Peete: Watch out on the 10th! TSB. Senate House has a stop button? dreaming staff...(nudge, nudge, wink, i^SJ: "He's fat, he's round, he bounces on t^ Luscious Lyndon - Gel your knobbly wink). the ground, Sarah's pull, Sarah's pull." nuts out! i^Q: What do you call two pissed girls in ^SD - Mole 2: The cutlery tray will get its Ï^MR MR please get in contxt - voodoo togas who showed their knickers to the revenge, so WATCH OllT!!^ woman. whole of Guildford and had a pizza pic- ï^s'Sanj - eye eye. Just let your fmgej^ do the walking ! ! nic at 2.30am? A: Sad?? or just pissed!! t^i'Iqi - the man! When do the tickets go on Pen. ^Jim Robinson caught playing with his sale for the next performance?!! P.S. Ï^Poomonster, sod the hulahoops & pass micro-slopic willy on canpus. Chrissie Where's your hat?"^ over the baby lotion. Fetish no. 2? have you found it yet? t^^Clare - Perhaps this week you'll tiptoe i^Stfess relief required, SH house 17. i^Remember guys, American football through the tulips with me! !! K. i^Barrymore is the horses arse - A+S. matches are fun!! Lets have some on Mum - Just out of interest - What was Jan J.F.(Sven): The Munsters may be so bad Sunday in Bristol. Coach leaves 8am! doing in the car, and where was bis that they're good, but I can be too. Try ^SiT Gary of Send #2 - Legs oot for the toga?? Love some very concerned chil- me for the real thing. girls! dren xxx Ï^Who do we want? WE WANT GARY. ^ All that glittere is not gold, but my knife's Helen, that love bite looks so classy! When do we want him? NOW!!! sharp, so I'm told. Good job no-one noticed in our chem. ï®»-James: I love you too. Carol. Lee of House 62, have youfinished chas - practical. Ï^Sam: Oh Nickel Chloride! xxx ing Hannah yet? Satan's Hell Bitch. I love you really. Ï^Rich - how do you spike a pint? Andrea, I've seen your Kama Sutra. SA. John C. Ï^A - How's Bennetton now? We all miss ^HA HA the last word is ours Jono. Love ^ Face like a long weekend Alison? him! - C. your friendly proof readers! 2nd December 1994 Need to earn extra cash over Christmas? The Met Soc Number of temporary vacancies available to be filled fast! Interested? Christmas Soci Contact Job centre on (01483) 451715 7th December 1994 Part time typist required Wates House Needed for database entry. Contact Pollyanna on (01483) 31446 General Assistants required Tickets : £3.00 or for Night Club £5.50 Including food Fun Environment Good Pertes. Bar & Cloakroom staff. All required during Christ- mas period. £3.50/hr + perks Cheap Beer, late bar, Contact Melanie on (01483) 31446/7. Cinderella's ents and disco Union Club Rules II" you are a member of this University you need your owu valid Union Club card to gain enb'y into tlic Union building in tiic evening. Do not try to boiTt)w somebody else's ciird and hope Security will not notice. This term five people ALL WELCOME have Uied and been cauglH - they are iUl now suspended. Remember cuests can be signed in and friends from other Universities cam automatic entry Tickets from 38AB20 with their NUS card. If friends do not have a (except between 1pmfie 2pm ) NUS card they need to be signed in.
Ballroom Dancing Society room change Retali Society AGM on Monday 12th Concert by University Wind Band, on on Wednesday 14th December, week 10. December(week 10),in24AZ18atIlam. Saturday 10th December, at 7.30pm in the The lesson will be held in TBIO, not the Hellenic Society AGM, on Wednesday PATS Studio 1. Students and OAPs £1, main hall, at the normal time of 7.30pm. 9th December at 6.30pm in Lecture Thea- Adults £3, BUY 2 GET 1 FREE! Civil Engineering Society, Christmas treF. Linguistics Society AGM on Wednes- Party, on Monday 12th December, 7pm Student^utonn^ AGM, on Wednesday day 11th January at 1pm in 44AD20. for 7.30pm tUl midnight. Bar, DJ, buffet 7th December (week 9), in Committee Playsoc Meeting, Thursdays at 1pm, in and entertainment Tickets £10 from de- Room Z at Ipm. the Barclay's Room (behind Union partment pigeon holes, Tuesday and Motorbike Club: 20 people needed. The Stage). Bring a friend, enthusiasm and Thursday lunchtimes. main aim is to create a secure compound ideas. Boxing Club AGM, on Tuesday 6th De- on campus to lock bikes in. If interested The Creative Writing Society are hold- cember 1994 in LTJ at 6pm. please contact Gavin O'Mahoney in ing a Mini Pub Crawl around Guildford. DofE Society EGM, on Tuesday 6th De- either Stag Hill Reception pigeon holes or We meet at 8.30pm on Thursday 1st De- cember LT A at 6pm. Followed by Christ- Materials Science (building AC level 20). cember in the Union Foyer. All are wel- ^ ^^mas Party. All participents please Leave your name, union no. and phone come. ^^^^ attend, no. Bicycles. We have removed several Vv^Surf Club: We need 20 people to Parachute Club AGM on Tuesday 6th cycles from the sheds at the Residences 0k Astartasurfclub.Signthelistinthe December, at 5pm in the Nelson Mandela that appear to be old and unused, this is in ^^^JUnion, all welcome. Room. Please will ali those who have order to clear space for residents' use. The The University Korfball club is jumped return sponsorship forms and cycles are now in storage and will even- # \being re-established. Training is money at the AGM. tually be disposed of unless claimed. If ^^^^n Mondays at 6pm in the Sports Just looking group. Do you want to know you think your cycle is amongst them ^^^^Hall. Anyone who is interested more about Jesus? Come to an informai please contact Mr Stoel at Surrey Court 1 please come along or leave a mes- meeting Monday week 9. At 8-9pm, 5B Reception. [sage in the Korfball pigeon hole. Cathedral Court level 1. Fire Drills. People who do not evacuate iKorfball is a mix between basket- Ladies Rugby presents ANN SUM- buildings during a fire practice ball and netball for men and MERS PARTY, on Monday 5th Decem- inconvenience everybody else as the kwomen. Everyone welcome, ber in the Lower Bar. practice fails and has to be repeated. 'wind band EGM to replace old No Wave AGM, on Hiursday 15lh De- Don't be stupid - make sure you evacuate ,and tired president Also one or cember (week 10), at 6pm in the Upper buildings when the bell rings otherwise two other committee places may Bar. you will be fined. It is only a practice but be vacant Room 5 AZ20 (Seminar Malaysian Student*s Society General it also h^pens to be very important • room) at 8pm on Wednesday 7th Meeting, on Wednesday 7th December, Thankyou December (week 9). at 6.30pm in LTE. 14 Bare Facts AN OPEN LETTER TO ALL STAG HILL ARCHERS STUDENTS hen I was a kid playing with homemade bows and DOSH! DOSH! DOSH! aiTows in the back garden, I thought, "Wouldn't it be Ii has come to our attenüon (our new computerised membership fun to shool with a proper bow and some really sharp system is amazing!) that there are still quite a few students who Warrows!" Now, as I embark c»i my third year on the committee of the archery club here íü Surrey I find myself have not renewed their Student memberships. There are also a lot ihinking, "Wouldn't il be great to be a kid again and just shoot of new students who haven't purchased these memberships for fun without having to worry about things like technique, either. We do find this hard to believe, as we feel the card is such safety procédures, AGMs and articles for Bare Facts..." good value. Welcome to the real worid! We can only assume that the new students are unaware of all the Archery is good fun, but it takes a loi of hard woik to gel really benefits of the card, or waiting for their grant cheques lo clear, good at it. It's not just playing with bows and arrows. Your main or the bank to return their cheque book, or the cast to come off aim is to improve your standard and beat your own previous their legs!! results, rather than trying to beat other people (though it's good What most of you may be unaware of is ihat we have now made to do that as weil). If you want to have a go then just uim up at the card even better value and more attractive for 1995. the sports hall on Saturdays 12.40-2.40pm. You don'tneed any From January 1995, the foUowing DOSH advantages will be eqùipment or experience, but you do nœd to bring 75p (to keep available to jül DOSH card holders: Rob-the-Treasurer happy) and a clean pair of trainers lo wear in 1. AEROBALL will be part of the DOSH system and therefore the hall (to keep Campusport happy). If you want to shoot your free to ali card holders. least favourite lecturer we can arrange it - just bring along an 2. If ten DOSH card holders form part of a booking for the eniarged pie and we'll pin il to a target fcM- you. We finally had Artificial Turf Pitch al the Varsity Centre, the student fee of out AGM last week (and were quorate), so the club is now in the £12.00 per session is halved!! capable (?) hands of Helen "voie-for-me-or-rU-hit-you" Robin- 3. We are continuing the DOSH leagues in Aeroball and Squash son and six other people with more enihusiasm than sense. ' so you can continue to improve your game and play some matches at your convenience. 4. DOSH holders who are Student Sports Qub members can Brunei Toumament attend the new Sports Science Advisory Service we are offering On 20th November we sent a team (consisling of three of our on Thursdays between 4.00 - 5.00 p.m. members who can actually hit the target) to Brunei Archers 12th Ali of this is in addition to the existing benefits our student Inler-Universily Toumament. This was our firstcompétitio n this memberships offer, so please dig out your trainers and come on year. Twelve other universities seni teams (including one team down and 'have a go' aL Campusporl. from Belgian universities) and a few sent just one or iwo people (noi enough for a team), giving a total of 63 competitors. Surrey get up and dance Team scores are based on the individuai scores of the best three n Sunday 20lh November, seven couples from Surrey in each team. Having only three people on our team meani that University's Ballroom Dancing society entered their everyone's results were important to the team result. first inter-varsity compétition this year, at Warwick Individuai scores and placings were: OUniversity. Ehtries were made in the beginner's D.Holmes 512 (23rd) waltz, cha-cha-cha, quick step, tango and jive and several A.Storey 485 (36th) couples made it through to the semi-finals. They performed very J.Dally 483 (37th) weil considering that they are from a relatively small and We were placed 9th overall and ali four universities below us inexperienced society compared to those from other universities. had seni bigger teams, so CONGRATULATIONS to our team, If you are interested in leaming Ballroom or Latin American specially Andrew whose score was a personal best dancing, there are weekly lessons on a Wednesday night in the main hall from 7.30-9.3Ópm. Don't be shy, come along and give Robin Hood II (Vice President) il a go! Ali levels are welcome. Make a note in your diary - on Wednesday 7th December (week AMERICAN FOOTBALL 9), from 7.30pm onwards, the society is having its Christmas Ball. There will be fun and general dancing, party games, abuffet ovember 20lh the Surrey Slingers played Aston (please bring your own drinks) and a démonstration from our Rhinos at home, resulling in a 24-6 defeat The instructors, Connie and Stephen Hannah, who are intemaiionally Slingers louchdown coming from vétéran player renowned and were semi-finalists at the British open in Black- NJustin Scou. pool last year. Hope lo see you there! Last Sunday the Slingers were defeated by UEA Pirates, one of the top teams this year. Apart from the 46-0 sccweline the Stingers held up weil. The Pirales who have 4 British Bulldog players on Campusport their 40+ squad (QB inclusive) were impressed with the Stingers CHRISTMAS ÔPEN1N0 HOURS high spirits. Spi>rts Cünin'VHrMi> Onw Recent additions to the offensive backfield of Rob Woods and Andreas Dhnopulus went weil, bolh of them having a good Ihursday ¿2iid IX-C Normal Nnnn;ü game. Time lo kick-off the all-star MVP's for last three weeks ï-riaay23rd!K'c ZlX)-
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The game started off poorly with Surrey going 1-0 down due to a shocking defensive blunder by Baresi Barr. Tbe away team, reduci to 10 men after a savage, unprovoked and downright vicious headbuttby Dessie Herbert, were shocked as Tafiy Goodwin blazed in a far from spectacular 30 yarà left foot efíbrt that found the keeper to be wanting. This inspired the Suirey team to probing, cheeky forays down boü) flanks by the terrier-like Johnny Foreigner and the effervescent "Streaky" Bacon, who jinked down the wing to supply a pmpoint cross for Taffy to hammer home. The second half began in much die same vein with Marilyn Fry Controlling the centre of the park as the rampant yellows attacked the kop end. "Mr. Personality" Howard added a deserved (?) third and Surrey began to tum on the style whick would not have looked out of place in Series A. After a blatant handball and the dismissal of the Allbury c^treback, due to "Woodwork" Bushen's Constant compaints, up st^ped a hat trick seeking Taffy G. after being gi ven the nod by Baresi. What foUowed has been widely acknowledged as the worst penalty to ever haunt a Satnrday aftemoon. After the apalling miss an urgent injectíon of team mwale was provided by "Blossom" Burgess who delightfuUy guided tte ball into the top corner. To underiine the Surrey superiority "Woodwork" Bushen outfoxed the keeper with slide rule precisión, weighing in with two "efforts" which "fmgers" Lawrence would have had time to save if he had walked to the opposition's goalmouth. A repeat of last weeks 7-1 was on the cards but was thwarted by the irrepressible Scouser Bell, who after missing from the length of his manhood ( ie about 2 inches), denied Mr. Personality a second with top quality testìcular control on the goal line. Surrey left the field to rapturous applause of the gatbered masses of die Varsity Bar faithful. In shwt it was a game of two halves, but the boys done good, witb Allbury believing "we wuz robbed" and Taffy as sick asaparroL Stuart Hall Sports Results Ist / 2nd Football Team v Portsmouth 2nd 2-0 to Surrey 2nd/3rd Football Team v Portmouth 3rd*s 0-0. 4th Football Team v Reading 5ths 2-2 to Surrey 5th Football Team v Portsmouth 7th's, Portsmouth won 5-1. Netball match won by Surrey Uni. Surrey University lost boat race convincingly.