What Burglar? 3 Thrushwhacker's

INSIDE THIS ISSUE • Exclusive! Interview with Guild Librarian Si- gismund Thing...... >..2 • Guild of Thieves ap- prentice exam - how to take the test, and how to WIN!...... 11 • Top Secret Coded "Cheat Sheet" stolen Top Crook Slags from Guild of Thieves - we reveal all ...... 24 Rookies Shock! AND MUCH MUCH MORE!

Top crook Silas "We just can't get the ceptional material, and faces a bright future in the Beaker says the pro- type of young person we want these days. Guild. fession will face dis- Frankly, they seem Beaker said that he was aster if young new- more keen on accoun- "sick as a macaw" with comers continue with tancy and merchant young apprentices training banking." their boycott. at the Guild's expense and Beaker was speaking on then "going off the straight s hi m fro g speakin , Beaker the eve of new, stringent and narrow - becoming Dornbrook hideaway, add- entry standards to the doctors and shopkeepers ed: "Frankly, the newcom- Guild of Thieves. and such." ers are rubbish. Green- "These new tests aren't He added: "We have to face horns. Tenderfeet. Wet be- easy", he said. "Anyone it. This a divided society. hind the ears. who can pass them is ex- It's us and them."

TIME FOR ACTION BURGLARY by Our Special Correspondent A.Nonymous SUPPLIES Commuters on the Dornbrook line are facing another ex- For the best in pense today - the price of a wristwatch. Modern Burglary s a d describe s burglar r Fo equipment, call "audacious and cunning" have noticed the clock had gone, it Festeron 1183 stolen the Victoria Station clock. was too late to check what time it Jemmies & Crowbars The famous clock, which has was, because it had gone, if you hung above platform 3,728 at follow me. Dark Lanterns - Victoria - the world's largest sta- "We heard it strike eleven, guaranteed light-free tion - went missing last night at which some say means that that New range of striped around midnight. was when it was stolen. Others clothing "We aren't sure of the exact say it was just about to strike time," said spokesman A. twelve. It's a matter of opinion, (Ask for Bruce or Rod) Spokesman, "Because when we like everything else." The Guild of Thieves: Now The Story Can Be Told EXCLUSIVE! Our Man In Kerovnia Talks To Guild Librarian Sigismund Thing. Gazette" "Burglar's from Reprinted

What is the Guild? whacker home to - as she what the old bastard - sor- How did it start? allegedly put it - 'find her- ry, the old gentleman - was The Guild of Thieves self'. . like y reall (or, to give it its full title, You're trying to say Do any transcripts The Worshipfu? l Anddivorced Part go - y the exist? tially Honourable Guild Of Not as such. As a matter Yes. d an l Nocturna l Professiona r Thrushwhacke s Mr , fact f o Surreptitious Entry And Re- Do you have any of y b d foun y eventuall s wa them? - Ker f O s Operative l mova Milo Piston, a flange opera- s owe ) Drift? y M t Ge , ovnia n i h bus a pizz a r unde , tive Yes. o Rhin e Judg o t e existenc s it Dornbrook, a pleasant but Q. Q. Thrushwhacker II, Stop mucking about inconsequentia. then , l one dormitor s u w ysho d an e th f o r Maste d appointe town in the mountainous Bencho somRhin e tw. o centurieKerovnia f o s h nort All right. All you had to ago. Thrushwhacker loudly and do was ask. Here you are: Thrushwhacke- re l al d denie r y was strenuousl High Kerovnian The In a Popular Guy sponsibility, although no- Court. (Lord Justice - Thrush . wasn't e h o N body had ever asked him. Thrushwhacker Presiding.) , visionary a s wa r whacke Mr PING (Prosecuting) and, like many visionaries, therefore is accused The had enemies. charged with a heinous of- Enough of Mrs T. But he must have Ch.XXXIV/B under fence e Judg e th s wa t Wha of QB4.86 in that he did... , life e hom t grea a d ha like? right? JUDGE R.Q.Q. THRUSH- Judge Thrushwhacker'on. Hang R s WHACKE No. His worst enemy attitude to criminal rehabili- was Mrs Thrushwhacker. Don't give me that drivel. tation was novel. Although What did he do? was foremost among those contemporary articles on enemies, remaining an im- Rhino portrayecom- d were hi mWe asG a PIN r M placablt e opponenuprigh , t of whaconscience f to n ma ing to that, my Lord. Un- s Rhino' s a d perceive e sh n i g unswervin , moral d an der Ch.XXXIV/B of t incessan , drinking y heav d an e justic f o t pursui s hi QB4.86... - nose , jokes y dirt f o g tellin e ther , law e th n i d learne THE JUDGE Oh,phooey. s hi g leavin d an , picking was no evidence of any of used handkerchiefs screwed did What Prisoner) the (To these characteristics in the you do? We obviously up undea rd threa e u bedyo .f I . She re-himself n ma mained at odds with her aren't going to get any transcript of one of his sense out of old Ping here. , years l severa r fo d husban "trials", you'd have an idea - Thrush e th g leavin y finall ThePRISONER Why 2 Vol.LXVII No CXXIV Lord. my nothing, Put face. your like don't training or career structure, sure? You E JUDG E TH yourself- inresem prison g fornothin y twelvecertainl d an (Peering at the Prisoner) Oh years. And, mind you, I'm bling professional self- yes... you're the chap who only being lenient because I regulation. This means that sent me that rather jollyface. your like criminals are also pretty in- chestof of gold.good Jolly E CONSTABL competent. The more incom- you, Sir. You're a gent. petent they are, the more like- of Mark R PRISONE e Th ly they are to get caught. And respect, my Lord. Quite a guy, eh? The the more they get caught, the so. Quite E JUDG E TH crookd s goo mus r fo ts havmake et i lovek wor d e mor anyth- do didn't you And him.- Thrush . Q . Q o Rhin ' ol ing? Indeee th ds so. mean Thrushwhack h Whic . - whacker y naturall e attitud r cavalie s er' less time available for good The PRISONER No. Def- - im n i d spen o t . R.Q.Q.T ' ol initelyr not.popula a g becomin s hi o t d le - class l crimina e th h wit e figur d stu e lik s pursuit g provin TH- E JUDGcrimi e th E , There you Unfortunately . es - ama , distilling t illici , poker arer then. Ping?popula t no e wer s classe l na teur necromancy, target prac- s show r gladiato g watchin , tice Mr s PINThi G . Yes, my Lord? Thrushwhacker h wit - disap e h e becaus t no s wa and chuckling up his sleeve THE JUDGE You're a proved of crime, but because about what happened to Mrs Ping. fool, bloody - incom e th f o d disapprove e h Thrushwhacker (which, of Lord. my Yes, G PIN r M - rea s Hi . criminals f o e petenc g nothin w kne o Rhin , course soning was, of course. , entireabout) r - whateve THE JUDGE Ah, so you ly logical. sen- The Right. eh? agree, So what can you do tence of this Court is that Logical? How do you about it? you go to prison? for tenlogical , mean The answer came to Rhino years. Loos kwa a te ih t thie s waywhil g . Thereevenin e on not that's But G PIN r M . criminals e b s alway l wil practising the Egyptian Hat fair.e b s alway l wil e ther e Therefor Dance. g Thin d Goo a s i s Thi . crime Hold on a sec. right, All E JUDG E TH e peopl t tha s mean t i e becaus years. y twent t Ha n Egyptia e th s What' . Q . Q o Rhin ' ol d goo e lik Dance? do can't You G PIN r M Thrushwhacker will be in a that.e ar s criminal , However . job e Danc t Ha n Egyptia e Th f o t pursui e favourit a s wa THEo n JUDG s i e E Ther Yes . I can. disorganised Court) the of Clerk the (To Can't l? CLERK No. Honest John PLC THE JUDGE Oh ho. for years Twenty Right. ? work s night' d har a g doin f o d Tire you, too. Take them away, d an n constable.pla t recruitmen n salesma e traine r ou n Joi look forward to: CONSTABLE Right you are, Sir. * Free donkey and cart * Free Farthington's Real Ale THE e JUDGpeopl t E Ohmee o t -y and, opportunit f o y Plent * Constable...? CONSTABLE Yes, Sir? THRUSHWHACKER I What Burglar? 3 Thrushwhacker's. It in- stumbled throughout Ker- a h wit d be o t g goin d volve Tired of being on the ovnia, as they said Even- bottle of home-made and a eightd an ; h rankdarkness) ?h pitc n i g son hat, hanging the hat on the a hundred hired leblings in end of thee bed,advic an l d drink- confidentia r Fo starched shirt-fronts, their e th l unti e home-mad e th g in ring: ears ironed and their little o Rhin . dance o t n bega t ha t a d stoo , plaited y neatl s tail G Kaspov - Kergos 234 was very good at the Egyp- - deli f o s tray h wit n attentio o t d like t bu , Dance t Ha n tia , cool f o s pitcher d an s cacie practise a lot.) The hat, an couple of hangings and a pub- foaming Bourbinskerry (a old p lobster-staineu p whi o t e d Borsali- flaying-aliv c li patent home-brew of no, han dthe jus, t turneinterest c d intpubli o) a (literally Thrushwhacker's, made chorus-line of high-kicking threw opel n hiartifica s , colossalBourbon mane fak - m fro purple blowfish when Rhi- sion for a public meeting. gin, imitation whisky and no had his brainwave. (As a matter of fact, his ersatz sherry which on the o t d guarantee s wa d han e on What brainwave? mansion actually threw itself open, followin- gather l g a confusiosocia y an n n enlive - master s Rhino' s wa t - I pre e whil , mind s Rhino' n i d han r othe e th n o t bu g in stroke. It earned his place paring the refreshments for his was reputed to etch glass in history. It made the guests, between two magazine and eat through granite). . Q . Q o Rhin f o e nam - Explo h Whic n i e on , articles Sounds great! Thrushwhacker Popula n i r a namothe e th e d toan ? sive Where can I get some? - stu n whe h wit d conjure e b Alchemy, with spectacular re- dents of history gathered to sults.) . illegal s It' . can't u Yo a e smok , beers w fe a k drin May I continue, please? Or FOR SALE are you going to go on in- few cigars, and gaze open- Grandmothers mouthed at a few waitresses Down-River Enterprises terrupting? - pos e gav t I . skirts t shor n i Yes. No. In that or- y trul a f o e exampl e th y terit Eight o'clock that evening saw Thrushwhacker Towers der. magnificent... brilliantly lite upth , t anA d . Rhinyou.. o k Than Oh, for heaven's Thrushwhacke- r scarcelThrushwhack f o yr lesdoo st fron sake...WHAd ban n ti Te BRAINthirty-piec - A . so er Towers stood Thrush- WAVE? played Calypsos on the terrace whacker himself, with the Rhino decided that he (it had to be tin as steel had quiet confidence that comes woulf o d n start ainventio Guiln a d d of declare n bee with the knowledge that one Thieves and bring discipline the Devil by the Government; is perfectly dressed and to the Profession. which meant that the instru- groomed. ments gradually slid out of t tha s I ? it t tha s I tune throughout the evening, In Thrushwhacker's s i s fus s thi l al t wha like an old-fashioned gramo- case, the confidence was about? phone winding very slowly misplaced, for he was wearing, from the ground Yes. down); the shrubs and trees were draped in fine spun silk upwards, a Wellington boot Ohg . sneakin n bee d ha o (Rhin a , slipper m bedroo a d an pair of yellow wading trou- Sorry. round town with a pair of scissors for a week, snipping sers, a small python worn . right l al s That' - surrepti s suspender s women' Satanist Sunday a , belt a s a ? next d happene t Wha r thei g stealin d an y tiousl - In f o k Cloa r special-offe r o k wee a t spen o Rhin stockings by stealth); thou- visibility with a broken zip s activitie y preparator n i o tw sands oe f candleon n i s s flickerearm h d ibot n d an f o y largel g consistin - - hun d (an e breez e gentl e th sleeve, a pocket kaleido- threats and bribery, with a dreds of clergymen cursed and scope jammed in one eye, 4 Vol.LXVII No CXXIV and a - conjuror're s s lebling hat d , from fully-traine nicely by kicking a few le- t rabbi a , periodically , which e (th m the r nea o g o t d fuse blings in the backside. would extricate itself and trifles, not thd e guestsshowe , y that nobod o S clamber nervously towards is). up for Thrushwhacker's the ground and freedom, ? then , party only to be eates a ns by Rhino'guest e th , s (Actually belt, whic. it) f ho k hadthin settleo t e dcom , well Quite the reverse. In fact, down to make the best of No- r was Thrushwhackedrawing s hi n i e r scen e th t fac n i s wa d an n situatio e th k o'cloc t eigh n whe f of t pu room was glittering. To feeling quite pleased with came, went, remembered it Thrushwhacker's astonish- d turne d ha s thing y wa e th had forgotten something, ment, the cream of Kerov- out. came y bacgail k s againwa d , forgotunderworl s nia' a s wa m roo e Th . assembled w Ho . gross s That' what it was which it had forgotten and went away veritable tone-poem of could he go out like s sack ; eye-masks d an s stripe that?r clea d fiel e th g leavin , again for five past eight, which labelled "SWAG" were piled Strange as Thrush- had been hanging around in on every available surface; o t s wa e costum s whacker' the shadows thinking about chin upon blue-stubbled chin f himsel e h , eye d nake e th a rathet a r pretty y milliseconaggressivel dd jutte had beed nha tryint i h g the Bourphotograp -e whos Thrushwhacker, and eye binskerry since teatime, and seen in the current issue of upon beady eye regarded him was utterl- ywon contentd an , . All thamagazine t e Tim shiftily. was needed to make things dering when eight o'clock "How did you cheap perfect was for the Princess was goins g creep tog get its connivin ac g t to-smu y lous t elegan n a t effec o t s Wale f o gether. get in?" he asked his guests, entrance on the arm of Boy An- d Thrushwhackehos y cheer , frank r t re-tha h wit George, but that was im- pitality which had made possible; Thrushwhacker mained undismayed when the clock chimed. Bing dang Thrushwhacker's name - sen e befor y da e th y onl d ha known and hated on seven tencedt them"Eigh bot . h said t ot i life im-splotch, dink thirty-six," Thrushwhacker continents and innumerable prisonment on a charge of islands (not to mention a y ma s Thi . smug g lookin said to himself. "Nobody here. d I supposha h ewhic I d must havasteroi h e large-is seem harsh, as indeed it - even e on t orbi o int d drifte - curi m see o als y ma t I . was . prison o t l al m the t sen ing, heard Thushwhacker ous, since h d e neitheAn " r right. ofm ththe es Serve - twen s hi , indoors d mooche sentencing a greengrocer to r fo n bor e b o t s wa s prisoner , vegetables g sellin r fo h deat another 150 years, and, ty-seven stone of greasy e th l al d defie y promptl d an even then, nowhere near white blubber (covered, like laws of physics by shooting Kerovnia. all the Thrushwhackers, ) hair k blac d matte h wit off into deep space again). But Thrushwhacker was wobbling cheerfully- si d .stunne a H s e wa e Ther a resourceful man, not to be - con a ( h trut e th l tel o t , was lence from the burly crowd, put ofo ft b yn triflesforeig ,y not evencompletel t cep which shifted from foot to s hi r fo d prepare s one e th Thrushwhacker)r fo h sheepis d , rathelooke d ran t foo guests, which were so gar- looking g forwarthinkin de to eatinbefor t g all momen a ish andg repulsivdrinkin , e in theihimself d r foo e th o t g startin d an t i f o r bette s awfulnes y flollopp , blobby all the drink himself, and look gorilla-ish again.. - care d an e tam e th n eve t tha g evenin e th f of g roundin a d sai " guv, , it f of e "Com

2 893 k Dornbroo g Rin . members o t s Rate l Specia - E INSURANC E HOM

What Burglar? 5 a h wit r burgla y swarth blue-stubbled chin, dressed I'm trying to give you d dresse , chin d blue-stubble - eye d an y jerse d stripe a n i the atmosphere of the occa- - eye d an y jerse d stripe a n i mask: sion. mask. "Nah," sait d the Don' firs . t burcare - t Don' "Howd dosecon yoe uth e fink mayb w r eo , glar want the atmosphere. got in?e ""W , said anothefourth) r o , r third r (o Just tell us what hap- a h wit r burgla y swarth come in frew the widney, pened. blue-stubbled" chin, dressemeself. r fe g d speakin No. in a striped jersey and eye- "Looking inconspicuous, Are you sulking? mask.- bur d secon e th d sai " right? z wu e w k fin t din' u "Yo glar. Yes. , front e th w fre n i ' comin "Right," said the third Why? a d sai " wossname? , um e w y wh s "That' . burglar Feel like it. Don't want third swarthy burglar with a come in frew the widney. d dresse , chin d blue-stubble l fee t Don' . it t abou k tal o t . inspon.. k loo o t r orde n I . well y ver a Kerovni f o k Ban e closur y temporar s it s announce y regretfull There have been too many 'Bank Jobs' for us to cope with and we now must wait for the Guild to give us sufficient business to continue. t a d cause e inconvenienc y an r fo e appologis e W this time of sadness.

in a striped jersey and eye- icnon... inspicons...o t e lik " u yo d Woul mask. lie down for a mo- - at t attrac o t t no s a o "...S ment? r anothe t ye d sai " "Door, tention," finished off yet an- swarthy burglar with a other burglare , helpfullypeopl h .wis t jus I . No blue-stubbled chin, dressed . seriously e m e tak d woul in a striped jersey and eye- Thrushwhacker looked at You don't know what it's u yo , means e "H ; mask the first burglar. The sec- like. din't fint a k wd e wuzlooke comin r ' inburgla d on frew the front door." Thrushwhacker? . Thlike es i thir d what t Wha and fourth burglars looked Thrushwhacker was My job. Being librarian at eac, h otherjoke o n . s TheIt' . n thGuild e e th o t e on l tel o t t difficul t i g findin . at.. d looke r burgla d thir swarthy burglar with a . artist n a m I' . know u yo blue-stubbled chin, dressed For heaven's sake I'm a jolly sensitive person. in a stripee th d jerseh wit y ann do eye t -ge t jus g Bi ? get I o d t wha d An mask, d from happene t anotheWha r . story d stripe n i s burglar y beef a h wit r burgla y swarth next? tee-shirts and rubber-soled shoes, clodhopping about 6 Vol.LXVIl No CXXIV d an g shoutin , place e th Be like that. When every- course or the casino to laughing and slapping each one wae s fulsom e l and happysentenc d an , e com y the s a k bac e th n o r othe Thrushwhacker stood on a miserable flop of a crook to swap storier fo d s ohan f theia p u r d advenhel d -an r chai prison. , here n i e com y The . tures silence. "It can't go on. Why, . like.. g clankin "Gentlemen," he roared, only last week I was in a Sorry? I thought you "I havee asked yoone-to-on u t here thisimportan y ver said "clanking". evening because I am trou- business situation with my r Thei . Clanking . Yes bled ini myFiF mind , . assistant l persona jemmies and things. Tools. "AsI man n y whe of e you knowLaTouch , ' 'FiFi Skeleton keys, bombs, I am l thedea Masteo t y r awa o fd thecalle s wa knives, guns, jam-jars... Bench. Or is it Master of with some miserable mis- creant. Hold . on. Jam-jarsBrokers n Paw ?n Kerovnia Cash paid samt e dawha yw - nkno o u docyo -o d d "An Yes. umentsd needeha e H d -? Besdone t rated ha sl gofoo s thi Why? ing. Worst ones coming soon. set out to burgle a perfectly Call in and see us at: ordinary, run-of-the-mill, For the jam. You smear 3, Gallea n i y e Walkcastl . d Kergos semi-detache . paper n brow n o m ja e th the Rolls? I can never re- nice, quiet residential neigh- Anyway, they come in member. Anyway, I'm bourhood. . and.. y awa g clankin , here Chief Judge, and anyone "And do you know how Why do you smear who wantd ha s ' to argu'expert e d will be so-calle s thi the jam on brown pa- taken away, shot, garrotted, gone about it? He had sto- per? guillotined, hanged, club- len a tank, driven it up the - electrocut d an d gasse , bed u Yo . dear h o r dea h O street in broad daylight, and r fo n priso o t t sen n the , ed h three-inc f of g firin d starte n brow e th n o m ja e th r smea " clear? t tha s I . life e th k stic u yo n the d an r pape , castle e th t a s cannon-shell jammy-stickd y browhear d n ha pape s r burglar e Th t tha t fac e th o t s obliviou n The . window e th o ont t jus o s , before s thi l al g twitchin e wer s curtain e lac d an w windo e th k brea u yo . nodded d an d smile in every battlement in the the bits of glass stick to the "I am appalled," contin- street. jammy paper instead of ued Thrushwhacker, "at the "And, having demo- . noise a g makin incompetence of your so- lished the entire front of the Anyway, as I was say- called o 'profession'g o t d . proceede Yo e h u , castle , here n i e com y the , ing are a disgracee singl y . Burglaryever t collec , inside . and.. , away g clankin breaking and entering, rob- item of value he could find, Mum: Sorry. bery, theftd an , , larcenyheap a n i , l felonal m y the e pil and embezzlement are fine go to bed for a nap. . Elton , love by me. You know my "When I had got dress- . up s Time' . Sorry terms. Ten per cent, and no ed," said Thrushwhacker... questions asked. . rest r you d ha e You'v Hold on. Why did Back to tho ed storyo t e lik . I w ho s i t "Tha Thrushwhacker have to - Thrush . well y Ver business. get dressed? I thought whacker got everybody "But your incompetence he was in a business p u m the d fille , plastered is intolerable. Look at you. meeting. I , say I . and.. e trifl h wit You keep getting caught. A lot of people asked know a? songthen abous t triflehappen t . wha d An that, on the evening in No - thanpress km youfro y . awa d calle m I' question. ing business on the golf- You're no fun. Okay. And? What Burglar? 7 n throw l al e wer y The like. o t n bega s burglar e Th - contin I y Ma . prison o int t a d looke y the , said I s A - shout y the " "Why? . shout ue? each other. "We'll have to ed, "What for? We didn't Yes. have at i committee, n pi t can' u ' saiYo d! one, nuffink o d "If it's to be democratic like on us! It wasn't us! We "When I had got dress- t don' e W ! there t wasn' you said." ed," said Thrushwhacker, know nuffink about it, "I discovered d thasai t " the in- "Democracy, whatever it was! What are - claim s wa l foo t competen Thrushwhacker, "means one you arresting us for?" ing that he was the victim of man, one vote." police brutality. That's "Right," said the bur- Thrushwhacker gave a what the police are for, you glars. fool,' I told him, but would peculiarly horrid smile. d sai " case, s thi n i d "An I y Finall . No ? listen e h "I am arresting you," he asked him in what way the Thrushwhacker, "I'm the one mans , and member I'v g e gobein tr the"Fo , said . him d brutalise d ha e polic - organi l crimina n know a f o one vote." "The miserable wretch sation, to wit, the so-called looked up at me and sni- "Call that democracy?" Guild of Thieves." , up e m e wok y The . velled e vot I " . burglar r anothe d sai we all resign." There was stunned si- Your Holiness', he said. lence. "Pshaw! It was then that Thrushwhacker glared at . thief e unfortunat e th "Just my little joke," said g somethin t tha d realise I Thrushwhacker, wheezing had to be don. e abouboomed t proe h - " "Right! . laughter y flabb h wit fessional standards. "Well vote on it. All those in favour?" d stunne a l stil s wa e Ther "And so I propose to es- silence. tablish the Kerovnian Guild All the burglars put their "Laugh, damn you!" l al l wil u Yo . Thieves f o hands up. immediately volunteer to yelled Thrushwhacker. become membersd sai . " You will against? l "Al Thrushwhackerd , puttinlaughe s g his burglar e Th s ferg d hundre e thre e m y pa obediently. So infectious a heae d th membershi n i d han e p fees,ham-lik n ow air. "Righte som t . Ththa r e motiolaughte nr is thei s wa a p u w dra l shal e w d an of the less-well-disciplined lost. The Guild of Thieves c democrati y b r charte . in d joine s lebling means." is officially formed. You are all members. I am in charge. That night, Thrush- The burglars looked at You will now all please fill whacker had lebling pie for each otherp . "Threemembershi hundre r dyou t ou supper. y rudd a s that' t Bu ? fergs cards." . one d sai fortune" I think that's a n the r Thrushwhacke . story y beastl "So," said Thrush- handed out a card to each of Why? " it. l stea d an o "g , whacker the burglars, who obediently t a d looke s burglar e Th filled it in. , Murder . horrid s It' . other.. h eac corruption, bribery, - Thrush d sai " "Right, coercion, conspiracy, Again? whacker, when he had col- drunkenness, illegal t "Jus , money e th l al d lecte distilling, explo- t a d looke y The . Yes one more thing." y Usuall . lot a r othe h eac sions... it's horrid. , dark s wa t i t me y the n whe p u d looke s burglar e Th It's one of our milder and this was one of the few expectantly. stories. I could tell you the e se o t t go y the s chance "You're all under arrest" one about the dreaded Wal- what each other looked 8 Vol.LXVII No CXXIV do MacAaaaargh and the Come ony . Don'good-qualit ty reall a f O dog's ear-wae Wher x . if youabout like e m . k muc recruit. Someone with im- There was this guard dog are th, e resfortitude t , offlair , the agination with an infected... rules? courage and resourceful- No thanks. They'vo ewh bee e n stolen.Someon . ness s risk g takin d min t doesn' e quit s it' - y Reall ? by o Wh - ad s enjoy y positivel d an good... - Profes . you l tel t can' I venture and the romance of No!- un u yo , confidence l siona d an e alon , thrown being derstand- . territo e hostil n i s friendles But Waldo MacAaaaargh - re n ow r he r o s hi n o , ry n i e importanc t grea f o s wa t migh u yo t Wha - re o wh e Someon . sources . Guild e th f o y histor e th r "honou s a f o k thin alises the rewards of suc- You see, this dog - you among thieves?" cess... and the penalties for : scene e th e pictur o t e hav Oh I say. Oh, very failure. g slaverin , teeth w yello t grea good. Very- goopeo d h indeedsuc e . ar e Wher jaws, a terrible smell of Is it original? blood and hot breath - and ple to be found? o Wald y onl s wa t tha t Wha . such s a t No m the f o t mos , Actually MacAaaaargh... about more rules? seems to be in merchant I said NO! Hundredse We'r ,. actuallydays e thes . g bankin - com o t e hav s recruit w Ne thinking of starting a branch All . right. memory Bu o t t l ital wam s the t mi - mat a s a , there d Guil e th f o Waldo MacAaaaargh who Then we test them. ter of fact. Except we're re-wrote the Guild's Char- worried. ter, Statutes y andthe Rulesf i s , and happen t Wha s i t i n organisatio e th t i e mad fail the test? What about? today. I've got a copy of They go to prison. Well... we, as profes- the rules for you: sional thieves, robbers, burglars and criminals, have a fairly rigid code of - Where . ethics d an t conduc e th n o , bankers t merchan s a - incon s dres s time l al t a l shal s Member ) 1 other hand... spicuously in the Guild Uniform (i.e., I see what you striped tee-shirt, mask and a minimum mean. Sorry to be a n i t [excep e stubbl f o h growt s day' e thre bore... e wher , members e femal f o e cas e th - get m I' . right l al s That' . permitted]) s i h growt ' days o tw ting used to it. - mem r othe h punc t no l shal s Member ) 2 bers. ...but could you . gob e th n i s include t Tha ) 3 give me a few more o t h deat y b e punishabl e offenc n a s i t I ) 4 rules? Just for the readers, you under- Is that it? I? meanpass y , isthe f i d An stand? e ther s rule e th l al t tha Oh - does anyone read are? Well... actually, most of . anyway n priso o t o g m the What Burglar? I only ever No. We can't get the quality of see it in the dentist, ha ha ha, O gosh sorry but you f o t res e th e ar e Wher d min . to.. d use e w s recruit them, then? you, we live in hope. have to laugh, don't you? I r o , buster , Rules Um... Of what? What Burglar? 9 blow your brains out. lems. Membership is fairly Which was what? That's one of them. steady but we have trouble Getting eaten to death . subscriptions r ove . actually , 186 r Numbe without making a fuss. In a "Nobody tot blowwon' anyons e member e Th way, that was responsible else's brains out unless they pay? - member n i f fall-of e th r fo feel like it". We try not to Oh dear me, not at all. ship. Also for a lot of very be too rigid. that . Bue lik t I'lg l tell yonothin , u no h O w fe a e quit d an , rats t fa what..t . didn' y the f I . no o n o n h O Giant Kerovnian Pythons What's that? pay, they wouldn't get their with stiff tails and cricks in . cards p membershi . necks r thei heee he .e He What is the problem, So what do you do e onc t a y awa t i t Pu then? now? or I shall terminate the We have an examination. interview., money e th s u d sen y The - member r thei m the d sen e w Apprentices are given a Justk trybrea ity , wisthe n e the guy , . cards p shi s clothe d stripe f o t ki c basi e terminat I'll . it y tr t Jus in and steal their money and stuff and sent off some- you.... back again. Of course, where to carry out a crime. . it s That' . Right there are some who are Or a series of crimes. If I'm off. . payers w slo . fail y the , caught e ar y the - concen t I . die o als y The Don't go.o t I'm s sorry. happen I t Wha - marvellous d min e th s trate don't often get a chance to them? ly. a h suc s it' d an e peopl t shoo k brea o t d ten y the . Er.. ? succeed y the f i d An nice gun. in and steal their member- e wer s gun t though I ship cards. Well... it's a fairly new illegal in the guild. t haven' e w o s , examination Is thers e a successe loy t an od f ha in y - actuall Under certain circum- terest among the young as yet But we are quietly stances. in joining the profes- confident that if we get the What circumstances? sion? better sort of recruit, we can Not as much as we'd see the old Guild taking its Well... you aren't al- rightful place in society , drink , drive o t d lowe like. We've tried to make . attractive.. d Guil e th I , Personally . more e onc smoke and shoot at the would be delighted. same time. How? So would we all. And if you do...? Well, we've changed a Thank you very much. lot of our traditions. We We blow you away, ? right l al t tha s Wa man! Har har har! felt that some people t tha , example r fo , thought Fine. How do people man- the old initiation ceremony age, then? was a bit stuffy... Fancy a beer? They do Farthington's at the Worm I don't know about the What was the old & Giblet. rest of them, but I gave up ceremony? e thre d nee l Stil . driving Wouldn't mind. h toug a s It' . though , hands You were tied to a Giant Just let me turn off the life, huh? Kerovnian Pytho. n and lowrecorder.. - e tap a o int t shaf a n dow d ere Telld man e, abourats d t rabi th f eo l re-ful e min I say - do you know the cent - historwith e yther y ofsta o t th d e ha u yo one the three women, the Guild. out screaming until you'd Guiness, the turtle and the We'v. e had courage som f o t e tes prob e th -d passe Click. 10 Vol.LXVII No CXXIV t Supplemen s Thieve f o d Guil r offe p membershi l Specia s reader Burglar? What o t E EXCLUSIV

Once again your favourite magazine brings you a Guild of Thieves o t t i l mai d an ) 21 e pag n o n show s (a m for e th e complet t jus r offe - ex t (don' s u d reache e hav d woul t i t tha d satisfie e ar u yo n Whe . us n bee e hav e thes e Onc . instructions g followin e th d rea ) reply a t pec . you t tes o t d frien a k as o t l helpfu s i t (I d memorise y totall [remember if you can cheat, cheat.]) It will be up to you. Don't ex- pect any more help from this journal.

MOVEMENT >NORTH f yoursel e lik f thie a y Naturall >N will want to wander around the >GO NORTH - ob e valuabl t wha e se o t e plac H NORT K WAL Y >QUIETL jects can be stolen. You would e on g typin y b s thi o d y normall However, you might be in a bit of the eight points of the com- of a hurry and forget in which pass: NORTH, NORTHEAST, direction the vault lies. In that EAST, SOUTHEASTf o y an e typ d , SOUTHcoul u yo , , case SOUTHWEST, WEST and these: NORTHWEST, as well as UP - abbrevi n ca u Yo . DOWN d an >GO THROUGH DOOR ate these to N, NE, E, SE, SN ,I O >G . D d an U , NW , W , SW >ENTER BANK VAULT K BAN E TH O INT O >G If you knew that through an VAULT open door to the south there was >QUIETLY WALK INTO a Bank vault, you could type:

What Burglar? 11 THE BANK VAULT A UMBRELL D >FIN It is, ofA course, importanUMBRELL R FO t foH r a >SEARC f o p ma e precis a e mak o t f thie , however , is e Ther . territory s hi - um r you d fin l wil e gam e th n the a short cut. If, on a previous vis- brella - in time, we hope, to stop it, you had notice. d a locatiodrenched g n gettin u yo called "The Notorious Bar", and, g downin y bus o to n bee d ha u yo If there is more than one umbrel- the locae l on al en totha take e mor not , e of itindeed s, or - a l positione , yogam ue coulth n d the type: - r -Ba s Notoriou will pick one for you. >GO TO THE NOTORIOUS BAR Things are getting better. You've found your umbrella and s obstacle r majo o n e ar e ther f I lurched back to the Notorious n positio t curren r you n betwee Bar. Now what? and the Notorious Bar, the com- - di t tha n i u yo e mov l wil r pute You notice a bar-stool and think . it h reac u yo l unti n rectio you might stand a better chance of being served if you sat down. Having drunk quite a bit of You could therefore:- Farthington's, on your way home you dropped a verN y imporDOW -T >SI tant object (youL r umbrella)STOO E TH , N O T >SI . back t ge o t t wan u yo h whic D TATTERE E TH N O T >SI - re t canno u yo y Unfortunatel VELVET BAR STOOL t lef u yo e wher y exactl r membe L STOO E TH N O T >GE it, and large clouds are forming. >GO STOOL If you type:

12 Vol.LXVII No CXXIV Unfortunately, the local Land- ACTIONS - sit e peopl h relis t no s doe d lor ting on his only bar stool. In The game understands many dif- fact, to be served you must be ferent verbs - words which you standingu up:yo t - wha e gam e th l tel o t e us want to do. The simplest form of >GET UP command is a verb (e.g. >STAND UP DRINK) and a noun (e.g. ALE). >GET OFF THE TATTERED So: L STOO R BA T VELVE >GO OUT (also leaves the bar) >DRINK ALE o t h wis y obviousl o s u yo s A performs the single action. How- taket youge o t r drinkiny hurr a gn i habit e swer elseu yo -f i r eve - could: u yo e wher drunk and had ordered some ale, some sherry and a bottle of whi- >LEAVE BAR : type d coul u yo y sk R DOO R BA H THROUG O >G >GO NORTD AN Y H SHERR , ALE K >DRIN >N THE BOTTLE OF WHISKY >OUT >EXIT Suppose these were all on a tray >EXIT BAR together with a large Cognac be- >EXIT NORTH longing to a scar-faced, tattooed gentleman (whom you called It could be that there are several 'SIR'). You could type: g typin y B . bar s thi m fro s exit OUT or EXIT one will be cho- >DRINK ALL ON THE TRAY sen for you. EXCEPT THE LARGE COGNAC

Burglar? What 13 >DRIN- : e K typ AL y L THAprobabl Td IS Owoul Nu Yo . bar THE TRAY EXCEPT THE GENTLEMAN'S DRINK >GET GLASS

Most verbs can be used in this As the game cannot disguish way; thusl :wil t i , mean u yo s glas h whic prompt you by saying: >GIVE ALL ON THE TRAY O T C COGNA E TH T EXCEP Which one? The beer glass, the THE GENTLEMAN wine glass, the sherry glass or . glass c cogna e th is obviously a sure offering of friendship. At this point you can type:

Naturally the meaning of the >WINE - depend e chang l wil L AL d wor >WINE GLASS ing on the context. DROP ALL >THE WINE GLASS will refer to all that you are carrying. e GET whol ALe th L e will retyp refe o rals ton alca lu Yo . room e th n i s i t tha sentence, or even a completely new command. Occasionally there is more than one of the same sort of object in >GET THE WINE GLASS - neces s become t i d an , room a T EXCEP S GLASSE E TH T >GE n betwee e differentiat o t y sar THE SHERRY GLASS, THE them. This is normally done by >COGNAC GLASS AND THE using adjectives:- BEER GLASS

Supposine th gh thawit t n younou wishea o t r d torefe u yo f I obtain one - of as: th eh glassesuc e s on thadjectiv eg wron

14 Vol.LXVII No CXXIV COUNTER >GET THE TATTOOED GLASo Sont n coi e th t "pu n mea d coul t I n coi e th t "pu r o , counter" e th The game will respond with: that is on the counter" (into ? glass d tattooe t Wha what?). If there was not a coin on the counter, the game would There are times when you can- assume that you meant the first not remember exactly which ob- option; if there was a coin on ject you require only where it is, the counter, the game would ask you can therefore reference it by you: its location:- Into what? >GET THE GLASS THAT IS ON THE BEER MAT At this point you can finish the . one w ne a t star r o , sentence Will hopefully stop you from d scar-face e nic t tha g drinkin T POCKE E >TH gentleman's drink. y ever u yo t promp l wil e gam e Th If two glasses had been on the step of the way if neccessary:- beer mat, the game would have prompted you further. >PUT What do you want to put? - ambig e possibl e ar e ther e Wher >HAT uities, theor gamhat e wilgreen l trythe to worone? k Which the yellow hat? out the most obvious command. >THE GREEN ONE In the case of the sentence: what? Into >THE CHEST >PUT THE COIN ON THE Which one? the large chest or

What Burglar? 15 the small chest? are on the bar except the green T CHES E LARG E >TH bottle. Fortunately the green The green hat is now in the bottle was yours to start with. chest. large e bottl e th , though , Unfortunately of beer and the bottle of whisky So far we have only looked at belong to that nice scar faced individual commands. It is also man who is now frowning rather y man r togethe g strin o t e possibl nastily. commands into a very powerful sentence. >OPEN THEM.

>GET ALL THE BOTTLES This will open the bottle of whi- THAT ARE ON THE BAR EX- sky and the bottle of beer. (It is , ONE N GREE E TH T CEP worth noting that 'them', 'it', W THRO D AN M THE N OPE 'his' and 'her' can be used in THE- CONTENTscar t tha e S notic O u F THYo ) E game. s thi BOTTL- E Oirritat Fy WHISKdistinctl Yg ATlookin s i e fac THE SCAR FACED MAN ed, and is absent-mindedly THEN QUICKLY RUN bunching his huge fist. THROUGH THE DOOR AND . BUSHES E TH R UNDE E HID >THROW THE CONTENTS OF THE BOTTLE OF WHI- This sentence can be broken SKY AT THE SCAR FACED down into five individual com- MAN. mands: A mistake. If the bottle had >GE- T ALdas e Lth THy b Ed BOTTLEaci h wit d S fille n bee THAT ARE ON THE BAR EX- tardly landlord, it might have CEPT THE GREEN ONE. worked. All that has happened, w no s i e scarfac t tha s i , however This will get all the bottles that

16 Vol.LXVII No CXXIV even more angry at having been is a list of some of them. drenched in the whisky he's paid for. DROP DR GET G >QUICKLY RUN THROUGH INVENTORY I NORTH N THE DOOR SOUTH S EAST E WEST W The most sensible thing you've NORTHEAST NE NORTHWEST NW done so far. Good thing the SOUTHEAST SE SOUTHWEST SW . open.. s wa r doo UP U DOWN F OUT O >HIDE UNDER THE BUSHES LOOK L PRONOUNS PN WITH WI , do o t g thin e sensibl y perfectl A FROM F n i u yo t spo t can' e scarfac t tha n i In addition to the abbreviations, the thick undergrowth. On the you will soon notice that the other hand, the nest of Kerovni- game will not object if you al- an vipers do spot you, and Ke- low your English to become a rovnian vipers don't beat around little sloppier. For example, the the bush. They just bite people following commands are all ac- to death. Including you. Sorry cepted by the program:- about that. >GET THE GLASS AND THE ABBREVIATIONS BOTTLE AND THE SHIRT THEN USE THE SHIRT TO After you have played the game TIE THE GLASS AND THE t tha d fin l wil u yo e tim e som r fo BOTTLE TOGETHER. lots of words are used repeated- ly. You can use abbreviations >G GLASS,BOTTLE,SHIRT for these common words. Here USE SHIRT TO TIE GLASS

What Burglar? 17 TO BOTTLE. >someone, something (for example, >MAN, BUY A OR BOTTLE OF WHISKY)

>GET EVERYTHING AND SPECIAL COMMANDS S PYJAMA E TH T PU N THE ON These are mostly one word commands which can be used at any >G ALL WEAR PYJAMAS time during the game as you see fit. They cannot (apart from IN- CONVERSATION VENTORY) be used as part of s a , commands n actio e multipl While - you'rig s i e m standinthe g g in thfollowin eg bar anythin drinking, you may feel the need nored. to talk to somebody. INVENTORY e th f o y an n i e don e b n ca s Thi This gives you a list of the ob- following ways:- jects that you are carrying or wearing. >ASK someone ABOUT something >AGAIN N MA D FACE R SCA K >AS This repeats the last comand ABOUT WHISKY >EXITS >SAY TO someone "something" This lists the ways out from your >SAY TO MAN "HELLO" current location.

" "something Y >SA >SCORE >SAYe "LEAVscor t E curren TH r E you BAR s " display s Thi along with the maximum possi-

18 Vol.LXVII No CXXIV and mask and had forgotten your box of . aches t hear y M . Tray k Mil s Cadbury' >QUIT Please contact Box 185694 When you feel it is time to go to bed (or to work), this is how to JIM - Received your letter. You must be . game r you d en . A . it f o m drea t wouldn' I . joking

>RESTART FOR SALE e gam e th y repla u yo s let s Thi - hav t withou g beginnin e th m fro FINE ANTIQUE CLOCK, station-style, unique. F200 o.n.o. Contact Fingers (tel. - re d an e machin r you t rese o t g in ) 2929 9 22 y Ramse . game e th d loa - proba n ca e W ? STOLEN Y JEWELLER bly supply EXACT replacements. You ' guide e 'machin r you e se e Pleas wouldn't tell the difference. Call Meretsky . commands r furthe r fo . Only) e (Trad z Bere & STUCK IN THE RAT RACE? Get ahead u yo t wha n Wi . Form o t e Guid r ou h wit Classified adverts need with our infallible method. Rodent for the most competitive Sports Ltd., Dornbrook 8827. prices in the business phone BABY ELEPHANT SKIN JACKET, soft, 7 777 k - Dornbroo require l ideologica o t s surplu , supple , apartment k Yor w Ne : sale r fo o Als . ments PERSONAL Islington flat, Porsche, Saab, computers, - Mada o t g retirin r Owne . etc s synthesizer u Yo . you d nee , you s mis , you e lov l Stil — J gascar. Apply D. Adams, Box 57485 e th r unde e m t Mee . heart y m n stole e hav clock at Victoria. R. PS Please return my PLATYPUS EGGS - the new yuppie deli- e b l wil s question o n d an h brooc d diamon cacy. Impress your friends. F25/dozen asked. from Moriarty & Co. Tel Aku-Aku 8849. WANTED MEMBERS for Kerovnian Guild of Boofles — tried to meet you under clock at Thieves. Apply to S. Thing, B Block, Victoria as requested but could not find Dornbrook Nick. clock. What now? Stripey. MEMBERS of Kerovnian Guild of t Sergean y Appl . alive r o d dea , Thieves Duffy, Dornbrook Police Station. Cracksman seeks moll for nighttime fun. Must be beautiful, amusing, have 38-26-27 MILKMEN, newspaper boys etc: earn ex- figure, agek dwor 2e 0 - 28. Musintelligenc te have owpart-tim nr mafo s - Ferg a tr chine gun. Please send photo of machine for thriving removals firm. Apply Scar- gun. BOX 192943 face Galley, Behind The Third Tree On The Left, Slye Street, Spaulding. GOLD CHAINS, medallions, necklaces YOU visited my boudoir on the night of the wanted for cash. Also chest wig. M Da- t tee-shir d stripe g wearin e wer u Yo . d 23r vies, W3D (Lubricants) Ltd. Box 26271. What Burglar? 19 Mystery Thief Cor, Wot A Steal! Shocks Small-Town Clumsy villains in dual-blag mix-up Housewives. . Ed s Women' . Voss t Viole y b by A.J.Sheeplifter Jr mean, you'd recognise it A mystery-man is terroris- anywhere." ing women in the sleepy s villain d half-bake o Tw Said Reginald Throat, hamlet of Macbeth. " pinch e th n "o t ou t wen the other victim- nor s i , h "I coulMacbet dn i e lif y Dail d turne d an - k wee t las see it was a drainpipe job mally quiet, with only the odd over each other's instantly, and I thought nuclear meltdown, outbreak of . that e lik t jus , "Monty" plague or alien spacecraft to dis- "cribs". rupt its tranquillity. The bad-luck baddies "He's cleaned the place But the new mystery thief - n a r fo n i e wer y the t though out. Everything has gone. described as a "mystery man" by ordinary o evening't t i d han s o wort t go k e - You'v s ha - z Zzzz n Doree e housewif " right? , pro a s he' , Monty t tha l al d change but were their faces red s Mr d sai , fear" n i e liv e "W when they got homs ha e" to find"victim r Neithe Zzzzzz, 43. "Nobody has seen that a colleague had called! been toe h th t e policewha s . know "N y o Nobod . him - spe e drainpip , one d Sai point," says Monty. "Nan," looks like, or when he will strike. We don't even know cialist Monty Quink, "I agrees Reggie, "we'll just what he's after. couldn'ts believplace s e my other' eyes h .eac p u o g "In fact, we've no trace of Everything was gone. I again tonight and nick him at all. He might not even d sai d an t i t a k loo e on k too everything back again. No exist But he could strike at any "That's Reggie's work'. I problem, my son." time. There ought to be a law."

e th n stole s ha e Someon : PRINTERS photograph of Sizzling Samantha. I have my suspicions but do NOT print this page until you get the picture.Try not to foul up like last time. Please. - Ed. Get with the Crowd at Michael's Boutique! bur- high-fashion of range Latest including: gear, glary Striped shirts Striped pants What Burglar's soaraway Page 20 cutie Striped vests Sizzling Samantha is set for stardom - but s shoe d Stripe she's not just a pretty face. Sam, 19, is one Striped socks of Kerovnia's most accomplished con- - cer e sh , looks o t s come t i n whe t Bu . artists 226 Daniel Victor Ave tainly delivers the goods! We'd pick her tel. Ariel 2281 lock any day of the week!!?!?!??!

20 Vol.LXVII No CXXIV Please cut around the dotted lines and send to: (completion optional)

What Burglar? m Kingdo d Unite , 1HH 1 SE N LONDO , Court l Chape 1 , Ltd s Scroll c Magneti do

YES! YES! YES! I have/have not taken advantage of your terrific/terrible/ disgraceful/wonderful offer of membership to the Guild of Thieves.

- pos s a n soo s a t lis g mailin r you m fro e m e list/remov g mailin r you n o e m t pu e Pleas sible and make sure that I hear of all your special offers/never hear from you again in the future/past. d worl e th n i y compan t brillian t amazing/mos t best/greatest/mos e th e ar u yo k thin I and I am simply completing this form to tell you so/because I'm bored/to let you . vacant y normall s i e hous y m n whe w kno

Were I to have any complaints about your product I would enclose a sheet of paper listing them but, as I haven't, I didn't. I first heard about your magazine from a friend/another magazine (which was of course not nearly as good as yours)/picked it up in a house I was searching/okay I stole it/actually I bought it in a computer shop, which I thought at the time was a bit of a shifty place to sell magazines like this. If I had to compare your magazine with other similar magazines on the market, out woulI n te d f rato ____._t ei _

To take advantage of your 'exclusive' hints offer I bought a computer it was an Atari ST/Apple Macintosh/Amiga/Apple IIGS/IBM PC/Apple II/Commodore 64/128/ Atari 800/130/Spectrum 128/Amstrad 6128/Amstrad 8256/other______

Please send me details on the following: Guild of Thieves Tee-Shirt/Guild of Thieves l promise/wil I d an e dic y furr y Strip / magazine s thi f o e issu r Anothe / Shirt t Swea . above e th f o y an y bu t no l about/wil k thin

(if you do not wish to ruin your magazine by cutting this out send us the details anyway)

21 Burglar? What SUBSCRIBE NOW AND SAVE NOTHING! We want your money! y burglar l successfu t mos s Kerovnia' , Yes mag, serving all branches of the ! again t ye g growin s i , profession . stunning e ar s Figure n Circulatio C AB r Ou Our readership is 2,118,679. This means that 73% of the population are reading us regularly. But our SALES are just 186. r ou L AL T ALMOS t tha s mean s Thi . magazine s thi g stealin e ar s reader PERHAPS WE'RE JUST TOO SUCCESSFUL! So - subscribe now, or we'll steal your ? we n ca , fairer y sa t Can' . wallet

22 CXXIV No Vol.LXVII E PAG S REVIEW & S ART n i e theatr e liv f o l reviva a n bee s There' made no attempt to check for alarm sys- Kerovnia lately, writes Theatre Critic Je- tems, even the most rudimentary scan for hosophat Thumb,r doo e th smugly d opene whice H h. is goobeams dd for infra-re me. But m is ifro t goor fa , d foand r , you? hinges e th g oilin t withou The answer, I fear, must be "no." Last making a quiet and unobtrusive exit, ran Macbeth of e performanc a d attende I k wee screaming around the place. given by the Dornbrook Amateur Dramat- ics and Jam Club, and frankly I was disap- Mind you, his main mistake was killing pointed. King Duncan. Any professional will tell Technically, the performance was weak. you that violence is absolutely out. It only The scenI . e where Macbetdiscovered h h breakMacbet s a , s into Duntrouble o t -s lead h Macbet . disgrace a s wa m bedroo s can' . marmalade o t s stick p grou e th t sugges s Brother s Blue : CINEMA Pathe)... Kathy (Writes . dear h o r dea h O BOOKS by A.Page - mis o n d an t disappointmen a s wa e on s Thi A poor crop this week, largely due to im- take. Although people have said the plot is proved security precautions at Kerovnian good, the acting excellent and the photog- bookshops, making the business of getting raphy perfect. , no tedious professiona r rathe s l wortcopie w h threvie e f o d hol f o y travest s thi n o e tim e wast d shoul e nam Still, we have to take what we can get, although a majoy r heistNodd ., all f o t Firs . bag d mixe a s i s week' s thi As everyone knows, the way to make Goes to the Seaside. One expects the character of Big-Ears to develop, but for all his obvious money fast is to steal it This "movie" sug- criminality, he remains resolutely "good" - this de- e b y ma I . honestly e don e b n ca t i t tha s gest spite his amibiguous relationship with the epicene stuffy, but frankly I despair when our chil- Noddy. Not recommended. dren's mind- sbe , are poisonepromising e d bmor y s i thi t s filthRabbi .d Ba g Bi e Th ginning with a nicely-executed bag- (or actually o t s reader e urg I ? up w gro y the l wil w Ho carrot-) snatch; unfortunately the perp is shot by a boycott this seedy disgrace. farmer, so the moral influences are (Cont. p94)

M FRO S FILM G TRAININ THE GUILD OF THIEVES These high-quality professional educational movies are - boot d Guarantee . formats x Betama r o S VH n o e availabl r courie y shift y b r wrappe n plai r unde d delivere s copie d legge ! career r you n i d ahea t Ge . fists g bi d an s sunglasse h wit Titles include: Million; Gumshoe, TheConnection,Dr French Rob- Train Great The Big Sleep, TheMen ItalianJust Twelve No, bery; How To Steal A Job, Rambo, The and many more. What Burglar? 23 b Clu g Bla s Nick y Chumm p To Snoop Sheet Shock Horror! By Our Special Correspondent t secre p to d remove r burgla p to a , week t las e mov k snea k shoc a n I so-called "cipheric help files" from the offices of the Kerovnia Guild of Thieves. of cover under offices Guild the into breaking admitted thief The • darkness. "Yurs!" he told What Burglar yesterday. "I nicked the goods. It was dark."In a shock sneak move last week, a top burglar removed top secret so-called "cipheric help files" from the offices of the Ker- ovnia Guild of Thieves.

The thief's identity remains unknown. any berk can sail through the wossnames, Police describe him as "blue-chinned, exams, without difficulty. No sweat, my " pullover. d stripe a d an k mas a g wearin " drift? y m w Follo . son t a e eliminat o t s u d enable s ha s "Thi MEANINGLESS least five per cent of the population", said d frien s Gently' r Chief-Inspecto e Detectiv We understand that the cypheric help Jerem- yan froe th ms their secremember d t love-nesGuil e t inwould-b the e giv s file . night t las e Reev f o t hamle y sleep swers to the examination tests... but, thanks n i s boffin d greasy-haire , fiendish o t • - Investigationcom e ar s s answer b e y th you, r soararooms d - smoke-fille way Whate ar Burglary the l unti revea - s l that themeaningles y pletel e ar " files p hel c "cipheri d so-calle typed into a computer! in fact cipheric help files. UP YOURS And they could help trainee - member h toug e th k crac s criminal d fin s i o d o t s ha l crimina e traine e th l Al ship exams of the Guild. the "question" which refers to his current Guild Librarian Sigismund Thing said problem, type in the word "HINT" when yesterda- ycare fron mthe hid san dusty, , book-strewcomputer s hi y b nd of- prompte fices in the quiet little village of Joel's fully type the "letters" and "numbers" to be " "What? : Bottom - cy e th n i s mark > d an < e th n betwee d foun . files p hel c pheri asleep. fell then He . T l crimina s notoriou d sai , simple" s "It' n Sypho & t Ra e th o t e clos s Source f "I . named e b o t d decline o wh , Anderson Lounge Ba. r 'n' yours Disc p u ok tolloo dt Whatjus , Burglar:copy a t go e you'v "These files are dynamite. All you have to do is type them into your computer and "Otherwise, you know where you can 24 CXXIV No Vol.LXVII find me." • Anderson warned readers: • Your favourite magazine RE- "If you type HINT at the prompt, be JECTS . OUTRIGHTexactly e messag cheque-book d code e th e typ o t e sur by practised sort the of journalism other so-called "newspapers". "And if you see a "+" sign at the end of the decoded message, it means the hint n Anderso d persuade e w , However continues in the next piece of code." y cop a h wit Burglar What e provid o t - threaten y b s file p hel t illici e th f o He added: "Don't try this when you've ing - in thw efe publia r afte c , interesLike ? t - to narmean ex, - few a d ha pose hid m coul a su ayo mae n whoOtherwis migh? yeah t , find an Farthingtons e h f i y mone h wit d stuffe e envelop , shi... p u , um , bug... y totall f yoursel d fin . pocket t coa d left-han s hi n i d looke er, up a gum tree. Right?" - Cheat s Thieve f o d Guil Sheets ! Exclusive Burglar What A

How Do I Get Out Of The Boat? e i e c z x t p m e f c v x 5 p x e p c j x t p a e o c o h g a 7 i 6 t 6 x q p f e 6 c n <5 > g 5 g a n e 5 t i h n a y i l t h h s a q i u t 7 h m a > 5 i 5 r i y 5 7 r o y n g y i 7 i m k r 6 5 6 7 q o f n 6 y n

How Do I Get Into The Castle? 0 e v t w h l a l e h c r x 9 p 6 e e c r x o p x e n c n h x a 7 i r t y h 5 a a i a c m <5 po xs cb ex pn hn th it au xu cv ee pv x1 cg ew av 5v > l g l o w n 6 y 7 7 7 m h r m 5 p g a m q r q y m 7 t o u n u 5 5 g 7 o r n e y m

Burglar? What 25 j o t n t 5 l g v m k r v 5 j g j o 8 n l y r 7 w o g n g 5 1 g w o v n u y j 7 j m 9 r d 5 > i x i 7 s m 5 r i 5 n g n o 6 n 1 y k 7 k m a r v 5 u g d m j r j y f 7 > y 7 y e q t j h f a s i q t 8 h m

How Do I Bet On The Rat Race? j 5 l g l o 8 n l y q 7 5 o 5 r 8 5 q g 7 m m r 7 5 h g r m 9 r 1 5 w g w o l n f y m t i t r e y 5 7 g o g r o 5 x g p m p n 8 y 1 7 9 o 9 r 6 5 7u u e k t r h 9 a g i i t k h r a r e h c g x i p 1 e 1 t j h

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? Fish A h Catc I o D w Ho q a 8 i b t b x r p y e s c s h 5 a h i 7 t x h s a d i d c v x w p k e k t l h d a a i a c m <5 xq c0 el al ht tm ig ao xo cz eh pr hs cs e7 p8 xe te im at ha cx eb ab > mt t t e x r p 9 e 9 t r h h a p i j t f h

26 CXXIV No Vol.LXVII ? Rod g Fishin A t Ge I o D e Wher d y b 7 z o t n 9 y t 7 h o h r r 5 z g f m m r n 5 u g e m 8 r n 5 g g 5 m a r a y m

Why Can't I Open The Safe?

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How Do I Get Into The Wine Cellar?

What Burglar? 27 8 o 8 c l h i a p i w t 8 h <5m cr eh pl xd c7 er p5 xn cg ig ap hj t0 id az hl tj il pl xg cf es pd xu cj eo ao hp tj il pl x8 c9 er ar hz tl ib au hv tj eu px xf cj ef pb hl rl> g i g c w x i p h e h t 5 x 8 p 6 e z c 6 x f p v e v t b h 0 a h i h c y x 7 p y e x c m <5 > u r u h k p o e z c z h g a e i o t j h j p t e o t x h p a

What Do I Do In The Toilet? s 5 o g l m l n w y 6 7 7 o 7 r r 5 5 g 5 o g n p y p g l m d r y 5 y 7 l o 9 n v y m y 5 z g z o e n o y e 7 7 o m n b y b g s m o r 6 5 6 7 v o l n 1 5 b 7 l o b n v y m q a q m l n 9 y 9 g k m u r 9 5 j g 0 m 9 r g 5 g 7 w o i n n y a 7 m o > u x u 7 p m 5 r g 5 5 g m

What Do I Do With The Cauldron? o a z i h t h x l p d e q c q h 8 a m i p t y h t a z i z c l x l a t i x t x x q p l e f c m <5 > n o n c g h l a g i o t r h p m o r r 5 y g s m s n 5 y y 7 l o l r u 5 5 g r m l r l y o 7 e o 6 n 5 y i 7 n o m