What Burglar? 3 Thrushwhacker's
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INSIDE THIS ISSUE • Exclusive! Interview with Guild Librarian Si- gismund Thing.............>..2 • Guild of Thieves ap- prentice exam - how to take the test, and how to WIN!..................................11 • Top Secret Coded "Cheat Sheet" stolen Top Crook Slags from Guild of Thieves - we reveal all ..................24 Rookies Shock! AND MUCH MUCH MORE! Top crook Silas "We just can't get the ceptional material, and fac- es a bright future in the Beaker says the pro- type of young person we want these days. Guild. fession will face dis- Frankly, they seem Beaker said that he was aster if young new- more keen on accoun- "sick as a macaw" with comers continue with tancy and merchant young apprentices training banking." their boycott. at the Guild's expense and Beaker was speaking on then "going off the straight s hi m fro g speakin , Beaker the eve of new, stringent and narrow - becoming Dornbrook hideaway, add- entry standards to the doctors and shopkeepers ed: "Frankly, the newcom- Guild of Thieves. and such." ers are rubbish. Green- "These new tests aren't He added: "We have to face horns. Tenderfeet. Wet be- easy", he said. "Anyone it. This a divided society. hind the ears. who can pass them is ex- It's us and them." TIME FOR ACTION BURGLARY by Our Special Correspondent A.Nonymous SUPPLIES Commuters on the Dornbrook line are facing another ex- For the best in pense today - the price of a wristwatch. Modern Burglary s a d describe s burglar r Fo equipment, call "audacious and cunning" have noticed the clock had gone, it Festeron 1183 stolen the Victoria Station clock. was too late to check what time it Jemmies & Crowbars The famous clock, which has was, because it had gone, if you hung above platform 3,728 at follow me. Dark Lanterns - Victoria - the world's largest sta- "We heard it strike eleven, guaranteed light-free tion - went missing last night at which some say means that that New range of striped around midnight. was when it was stolen. Others clothing "We aren't sure of the exact say it was just about to strike time," said spokesman A. twelve. It's a matter of opinion, (Ask for Bruce or Rod) Spokesman, "Because when we like everything else." The Guild of Thieves: Now The Story Can Be Told EXCLUSIVE! Our Man In Kerovnia Talks To Guild Librarian Sigismund Thing. Gazette" "Burglar's from Reprinted What is the Guild? whacker home to - as she what the old bastard - sor- How did it start? allegedly put it - 'find her- ry, the old gentleman - was The Guild of Thieves self'. like y reall (or, to give it its full title, You're trying to say Do any transcripts The Worshipfu? l Anddivorced Part go - y the exist? tially Honourable Guild Of Not as such. As a matter Yes. d an l Nocturna l Professiona r Thrushwhacke s Mr , fact f o Surreptitious Entry And Re- Do you have any of y b d foun y eventuall s wa them? - Ker f O s Operative l mova Milo Piston, a flange opera- s owe ) Drift? y M t Ge , ovnia n i h bus a pizz a r unde , tive Yes. o Rhin e Judg o t e existenc s it Dornbrook, a pleasant but Q. Q. Thrushwhacker II, Stop mucking about inconsequentia. then , l one dormitor s u w ysho d an e th f o r Maste d appointe town in the mountainous Bencho somRhin e tw. o centurieKerovnia f o s h nort All right. All you had to ago. Thrushwhacker loudly and do was ask. Here you are: Thrushwhacke- re l al d denie r y was strenuousl High Kerovnian The In a Popular Guy sponsibility, although no- Court. (Lord Justice - Thrush . wasn't e h o N body had ever asked him. Thrushwhacker Presiding.) , visionary a s wa r whacke Mr PING (Prosecuting) and, like many visionaries, therefore is accused The had enemies. charged with a heinous of- Enough of Mrs T. But he must have Ch.XXXIV/B under fence e Judg e th s wa t Wha of QB4.86 in that he did... , life e hom t grea a d ha like? right? JUDGE R.Q.Q. THRUSH- Judge Thrushwhacker'on. Hang R s WHACKE No. His worst enemy attitude to criminal rehabili- was Mrs Thrushwhacker. Don't give me that drivel. tation was novel. Although What did he do? was foremost among those contemporary articles on enemies, remaining an im- Rhino portrayecom- d were hi mWe asG a PIN r M placablt e opponenuprigh , t of whaconscience f to n ma ing to that, my Lord. Un- s Rhino' s a d perceive e sh n i g unswervin , moral d an der Ch.XXXIV/B of t incessan , drinking y heav d an e justic f o t pursui s hi QB4.86... - nose , jokes y dirt f o g tellin e ther , law e th n i d learne THE JUDGE Oh,phooey. s hi g leavin d an , picking was no evidence of any of used handkerchiefs screwed did What Prisoner) the (To these characteristics in the you do? We obviously up undea rd threa e u bedyo .f I . She re-himself n ma mained at odds with her aren't going to get any transcript of one of his sense out of old Ping here. , years l severa r fo d husban "trials", you'd have an idea - Thrush e th g leavin y finall ThePRISONER Why 2 Vol.LXVII No CXXIV Lord. my nothing, Put face. your like don't training or career structure, sure? You E JUDG E TH yourself- inresem prison g fornothin y twelvecertainl d an (Peering at the Prisoner) Oh years. And, mind you, I'm bling professional self- yes... you're the chap who only being lenient because I regulation. This means that sent me that rather jollyface. your like criminals are also pretty in- chestof of gold.good Jolly E CONSTABL competent. The more incom- you, Sir. You're a gent. petent they are, the more like- of Mark R PRISONE e Th ly they are to get caught. And respect, my Lord. Quite a guy, eh? The the more they get caught, the so. Quite E JUDG E TH crookd s goo mus r fo ts havmake et i lovek wor d e mor anyth- do didn't you And him.- Thrush . Q . Q o Rhin ' ol ing? Indeee th ds so. mean Thrushwhack h Whic . - whacker y naturall e attitud r cavalie s er' less time available for good The PRISONER No. Def- - im n i d spen o t . R.Q.Q.T ' ol initelyr not.popula a g becomin s hi o t d le - class l crimina e th h wit e figur d stu e lik s pursuit g provin TH- E JUDGcrimi e th E , There you Unfortunately . es - ama , distilling t illici , poker arer then. Ping?popula t no e wer s classe l na teur necromancy, target prac- s show r gladiato g watchin , tice Mr s PINThi G . Yes, my Lord? Thrushwhacker h wit - disap e h e becaus t no s wa and chuckling up his sleeve THE JUDGE You're a proved of crime, but because about what happened to Mrs Ping. fool, bloody - incom e th f o d disapprove e h Thrushwhacker (which, of Lord. my Yes, G PIN r M - rea s Hi . criminals f o e petenc g nothin w kne o Rhin , course soning was, of course. , entireabout) r - whateve THE JUDGE Ah, so you ly logical. sen- The Right. eh? agree, So what can you do tence of this Court is that Logical? How do you about it? you go to prison? for tenlogical , mean The answer came to Rhino years. Loos kwa a te ih t thie s waywhil g . Thereevenin e on not that's But G PIN r M . criminals e b s alway l wil practising the Egyptian Hat fair.e b s alway l wil e ther e Therefor Dance. g Thin d Goo a s i s Thi . crime Hold on a sec. right, All E JUDG E TH e peopl t tha s mean t i e becaus years. y twent t Ha n Egyptia e th s What' . Q . Q o Rhin ' ol d goo e lik Dance? do can't You G PIN r M Thrushwhacker will be in a that.e ar s criminal , However . job e Danc t Ha n Egyptia e Th f o t pursui e favourit a s wa THEo n JUDG s i e E Ther Yes . I can. disorganised Court) the of Clerk the (To Can't l? CLERK No. Honest John PLC THE JUDGE Oh ho. for years Twenty Right. ? work s night' d har a g doin f o d Tire you, too. Take them away, d an n constable.pla t recruitmen n salesma e traine r ou n Joi look forward to: CONSTABLE Right you are, Sir. * Free donkey and cart * Free Farthington's Real Ale THE e JUDGpeopl t E Ohmee o t -y and, opportunit f o y Plent * Constable...? CONSTABLE Yes, Sir? THRUSHWHACKER I What Burglar? 3 Thrushwhacker's. It in- stumbled throughout Ker- a h wit d be o t g goin d volve Tired of being on the ovnia, as they said Even- bottle of home-made and a eightd an ; h rankdarkness) ?h pitc n i g son hat, hanging the hat on the a hundred hired leblings in end of thee bed,advic an l d drink- confidentia r Fo starched shirt-fronts, their e th l unti e home-mad e th g in ring: ears ironed and their little o Rhin .