POLICE FREEMAN BAFFLED: LOCKED UP: DEAD HOOKER FOUND BEHIND HIS WilD WEEKEIID, IN ADMINISTRADON ARREST - 1IIAL II BUilDING, DR!' FEY BEIUTIFUL IISCOISII! ADMITS TO CRIME 1HIS IS Ill STORY Mt IN CAMPIJS-WIDE E-MAIL ADDRESS ·.···· --·DIES-
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, SlED IEIIID FITHEII. liRE IIIII 1.111 11118? PAGE 2 THE DECEIVER WEEKLY WORLD NEWS • History April 1, 2001
+ April 1, 2001 THE DECEIVER WEEKLY WORLD NEWS • History PAGE 3 The Word Of God In Action Bondage Show Draws Catholic Community
ALEXANDRA VALENTINE longer so innocent, however - the shirt is power the Devil still Deceiver Russian Princess tied in a way that shows off her lacy red holds in our lives, bra. A large crucifix pendant hovers in her and where we could You never saw that many bondage ample cleavage, and she is sucking on a red end up if we're not enthusiasts in the Catholic community, but lollypop. She does not look a day over 12. careful." members of local churches have recently Satanica kept her hostage tied up and But Saint does not embraced with open arms the lifestyle for whipped her for days, but rather than see it that way. "Fuck merly shunned by the faithful. The fault lament her misfortune, Saint soon began to Catholicism," she lies in an inconspicuous white cottage enjoy the bondage. "Anna and I have a says as she takes a whose basement is transformed on a night great friendship," she says with a giggle. deep drag off her cig ly basis into a dungeon where a scared lit "We've bonded." arette. "I know now tle Catholic schoolgirl is chained to over From there, the two decided to perform that God is bullshit. hanging pipes and whipped by a domina together. Luis Bastille, the Way Station's Anna has shown me trix while an audience filled with upstand proprietor, was more than happy to hire the how good it feels to ing members of the Catholic community act after catching an impromptu perform be bad." She only drools at the action. ance. The "Wanton Way Station" act, as he smiles at the idea that The Way Station Gentlemen's Club is dubs the Saint-Satanica duo, has astronom she might go to Hell Catonsville's premier spot for kinky fetish ically boosted attendance - so much so, for her sins. "I think shows. These are performed every evening that he has recently changed the admission Satan is sexy," she and twice on the weekends. Anna Satanica, format from open to invitation only due to comments as she and wearing a red bodice over a flowing black the large numbers of people who want to Satanica share a dress, accessorized with a dog collar, see the show. Most of these are devout smoke between per chains, handcuffs and a black leather whip, Catholics who continue attending church formances. Off stage, is the Medieval-style dominatrix. For every every Sunday. One of the regular patrons is their relationship car performance she drags Stephanie Saint, a Father Johnson, a priest at a local church. ries no trace of the local Catholic Schoolgirl, down the stairs ''This is a wonderful spectacle," he says violence and fury Adam Craigmiles I Deceiver Staff and proceeds to cuff her in various posi after the show, blushing slightly. "This sort apparent during the Good to Be Bad: Anna Satanica whips Stephanie Saint tions and whip her. of thing demonstrates a lot of Biblical prin show. Saint nods her into submission at the Way Station Gentlemen's Club. Saint was Satanica's first victim. The ciples, like the way that Satan always head as Satanica former freelancing dominatrix abducted temps us weak humans and tries to lure us explains the appeal of their act. pletely to a woman. Other men want to the girl on her way to Sunday school a few to the other side. I don't really see "The two of us are the extremes of dominate. I feed the first fantasy and months ago. Saint still wears her uniform Stephanie as a sinner- she's just demon men's fantasies. Some men want to be tied and pigtails for the shows. The outfit is no strating for us good Christians what kind of up and beaten; they want to submit com- see BONDAGE, page 5 UMBC and High Times Unite in Research Venture Smart LSD, Rose Pot to Put UMBC on Map
JOANA GOMES DACRUZ through acid. It's just great!" said Dr. K. Deceiver Staff Writer Kesey, the project's head researcher. Kesey hopes to perfect the drug at UMBC, pre Students at UMBC will be able to par venting rare occurrences in which test sub ticipate in a growing field of biological jects see reruns of Saved by the Bell rather research, which has been proliferating on than their studies. other college campuses and inner city ghet The Marijuana research project is more tos for years. High Times magazine is spon sophisticated, involving a new gene dis Coutesy of UMBC soring the construction of a state-of-the-art 'covered by UMBC's own Dr. Richard Meat University: The new SPAM logo closely resembles the old UMBC logo, with drug research center in the new UMBC Gethman. Through a complicated proce only one minor change, the substitution of SPAM for UMBC. Research Park with the ground breaking dure, Gethman incorporates t:l}e new gene scheduled to occur April 20. into the DNA of a regular marijuana plant. "The new research park will provide The gene therapy makes the plant's off UMBC Changes to SPAM top-notch drug testing and research facili spring resemble rose bushes. Gethman has ties, allowing breakthroughs in marijuana been breeding these plants in his personal Name Change Remembers Deceased Poodle and LSD that have not been made since the lab for some time now. 1960s," Dr. Freeman H. Hrabowski said in "The great thing about this is that we INMATE #00746A was just a clear sign to me of what I had to a campus-wide announcement regarding get to smoke the flower petals or roses Deceiver Staff Writer do. I called up [UMBC President] Freeman the facility. instead of the regular looking weed," said [Hrabowski] the very next day." The LSD research project could benefit Gethman. ''The main benefit is that we can In a sudden and unexpected move, Rumors of a name change have circu college students worldwide. The project grow our own plants and never get caught. UMBC officials announced last week that lated for months. The phrase "Baltimore will develop a form of LSD that will help You can grow them in your back yard and the university would be taking on a new County" has caused confusion and conster students ace their exams. no one will suspect that you are growing name. Beginning immediately, the nation over the years, since it leads some The "smart acid," as it has been nick pot because they look like roses. All you University of Maryland Baltimore County, people to believe that the university is a named by researchers, is taken when the have to do is dry up the petals and role up commonly known as UMBC, will be community college. student sits down to study exactly 24 hours a joint! ... It smells great too." known as Stalwart Peeter Alton McEwan, One rumor said that UMBC might solve before the test. After reading his or her Gethman hopes to use the new lab orSPAM. this problem by becoming "UMBC" with notes once, the student simply goes to sleep space to perfect the process and perhaps The university will retain the tag "An the letters standing for nothing. That rumor and the acid will take full effect at the time move into other plants as well. Honors University in Maryland." was discounted, however. of the exam. While taking the exam, the Once the Research Park is fmished, stu The name change is the result of a $100 Recently, Hrabowski quipped that the student will hallucinate all of the things dents from all majors will be encouraged to million donation given to the university by university would change its name if some that he or she read the night before. If the sign up for human trials. The park is also Boise, Idaho resident Dale Frye. Frye one offered him $100 million. "I was total student was studying for a math or a chem seeking students to fill several research agreed to make the financial contribution ly amazed. I never expected anyone to istry exam, the formulas will appear in internships. only if the university would name itself actually do it," he said. front of his face. If the student is studying If any students are interested in filling after his recently departed pet poodle. For reasons that remain unclear, Frye for a literature exam and has to remember a such positions, or want more information "I wanted to. do something special for has been a faithful Deceiver reader for the poem, the smart acid will cause the poem to regarding the Research Park, they can call old Peeter," Frye said in a telephone inter past several years. Frye said that when he appear in front of him during the exam. (800) 420-4200. view. "When I heard that UMBC would "All majors can benefit from this break- change its name for $100 million, well, that see SPAM, page 6 PAGE 4 THE DECEIVER WEEKLY WORLD NEWS • Hrstory April 1, 2001 ehind the Scenes
Harvard Ends Financial Aid, Dr. Raoul Duke: Putting the Psych Back Into Psychology Homework, Exams Cambridge, Mass. (AP) - As part of a SCOTT DAUGHERTY Hrabowski, III. plan to change its admission standards, Deceiver Editorial Staff Although Duke knows little about Harvard University recently announced psychology, that does not affect his the elimination of all forms of financial It's not easy being a college profes grading of his students' papers and aid. In addition, the once prestigious insti sor in this new millennium. The years exams. "I grade according [to the num tution will end exams and ban homework. of gradu~te school and studying, not to ber of sexual favors.]. .. I find it gets "We've been losing our shirts educat mention the illegal drug use and hook students in the seats and learning," ing smart, but poor people," said Harvard ers, can drive a professor insane. Dr. Duke said. President Charles Jones XVIII. "It's about . Raoul Duke, of the UMBC psychology Dr. Duke is about more than taking time we made a change for our future, and department, is the schools newest fac advantage of his students though. He I think that means attracting folks who can also enjoys smoking. crack cocaine and actually pay to attend this university." ulty member. adding to his collection of STDs. Beginning with the Fa11, 2001 semes "I like . . . to . . . touch . . . my stu ter, the only criteria for admission to dents," Duke said as he touched him "Cigars [and crack] are a dirty little Harvard will be a student's ability to pay self. habit I've picked up the last few years. the approximately $35,400 in tuition, fees, Duke is full of innovative teaching I like to smoke a cigar [and some crack] room and board, and assorted other methods. Beating baby seals and chi while I look through my [STD collec expenses. Payment must be made in full, nese water torture are just some of the tion]," said Duke. "I just got [a new up front. techniques he has employed this last strain of Gonorrhea]." "This will effectively weed out those year to encour~ge his students. He Duke, a graduate of Montgomery individuals who are financially less fortu implements the techniques when stu Scott Daugherty I Deceiver Staff College, also known as MK and nate," said Jones. "They are invited to dents make improper conjectures, like Duke It Out: Duke beats his students Harvard on the Pike, came to UMBC apply to more traditional institutions." Freud was wrong, or that penis envy when necessary. Violence is the cor from the Correspondence Institute of Recognizing that the new standards doesn't exist .. nerstone to the psychological research America, a nationally recognized may draw a well-off but less academically "I find it important to [grease he is performing at UMBC. Correspondence school. During his inclined student body, Harvard will also myself and roll around on the floor dur Tenure at CIA, Duke taught Gun adjust its curriculum. Lectures will be ing class]," Duke said for no reason at class and three hours of office time every Smithing, TVNCR Repair, and optional, and homework and exams will all .. week, can take a lot out of a person Administrative Sciences. be forbidden. "People can take whatever Duke's innovative teaching style is "Sometimes I forget [what I'm doing] ... the hell they want," Jones said. "This is loved by his students. "He's the great and ... [stare at the class] until they leave," cutting-edge stuff. Om; students pay us, . est [sex] instructor I've ever had. And said Duke. and we give them what they ask for." I've had a lot," said Senior Adam Psychology allqws Duke a good deal of "Coming to Harvard isn't abeut getting Craigmiles. leeway. He rarely finds time to read the an education," said Jones. "It's about get books before he actually lectures on them. ting that sheepskin that says, 'I could "He's an asset to the entire UMBC The lack of actual knowledge does not afford Harvard University.' That's a real Community. We are lucky to have him achievement." here," said a random man screaming at effect the class however, since psychology the squirrels in the UC Plaza. is all bullshit anyway. Being a professor at UMBC is not UMBC doesn't mind Duke's lackadaisi Bob Jones University Declared all fun and games as Duke is quickly cal approach to his classes either. "UMBC 'Sex-Free Zone' discovering. "I hate [minorities]. It's a is a technological powerhouse in the mid Greenville, South Carolina (AP) lot of work." Atlantic region. [We do not care about any Students at the conservative Bob Jones The stress of the grueling schedule non-Lockheed-Martin courses of study]," University will not be allowed to engage of a UMBC professor, the nine hours of said UMBC President Freeman in sexual acts of any sort, according to the school's new Standards of Personal Conduct. BJU President Paul Saint said that he was pleased that the university's board of Bush Invades Canada, Renames Canadia trustees voted unanimously to institute the new standards. "The earlier conduct stan HAVNO BUTIIX "It was like they didn't care," one sol renaming it Canadia?" Bush then became dards included a strongly worded warning Deceiver Foreign Correspondant dier told the New York Times. "We barged angry and said, "Look young lady, I don't .,.. about the dangers of sex, but carnal acts into one bar, and they all just sat there, tell you that you can't name your dog were not specifically forbidden," Saint Last Friday at approximately 8:37 like 'What the hell.' And then they were Spot. Well this is my dog. So I can name said. "I think we've taken a huge step for p.m., U.S. Marines and Army Rangers like 'Eh, why don't you come have a beer, it whatever I want. And you don't teach ward. I'm extremely pleased to announce stormed the city of Quebec in the first eh?' Real friendly like." an old dog new tricks, so we're going to that Bob Jones is now a sex-free zone." phase of President George W. Bush's Canadian brothers Bob and Doug keep calling our old dog Canadia!" Any of BJU's 5,000 students caught campaign to take over Canada. The Mackenzie, stars of the movie Strange Canadia will become a territory desig · engaging in sexual intercourse or any form United States has since acquired all of the Brew, were in a Dunkin' Donuts in nated for atheists and "all those flaky of "intimate physical touching" with former Canadian territories. Toronto when the attacks hit." We were Ralph Nader supporters," Bush explained. members of the opposite sex will be "This is a great victory for us because just eating some chocolate-frosted donuts Nader supporter Susan Sarrandon said, "I expelled. Those caught engaging in such we are victorious," a proud President with sprinkles. And all of a sudden these am outraged. Well, not really because acts with members of their own sex will be Bush announced to the press this morn American guys came in, eh. Yeah, and Canadia is a lovely place. But I am out expelled and prosecuted. Those caught ing. "And through this victory, we have they were like wearing these funny coats," raged that I am being banished from my engaging in such acts with themselves will country for my political beliefs." be expelled and will grow hair on their won." Bob told a Deceiver correspondent. palms. We have won indeed. Secretary of "Like they had been in the forest," "This move is the best strategery "We're sending a strong message that Defense Donald Rumsfeld explained the Doug added. "And they were wearing we've ever done," Bush told the nation at this sort of lewd animal behavior will not strategy at a press meeting earlier this these funny tukes." his address. "And my dad made it all hap be tolerated," said Saint. "Sex is bad. Sex morning. "We made plans to attack after Deceiver Opinion editor Abby Foster pen. I mean, I made it happen. The point is unnecessary. And, despite the fact that I 8 p.m. each night. That way, all the inno attended a White House press conference. is, it was made to happen and I am one of enjoy saying 'sex' over and over, I myself cent civilians will be in their homes and She asked, "President Bush, what are you the people who made it ... happen." don't like sex. My wife and I don't engage all the others will be in the bars, drinking planning to rename the newly acquired In the words of our great and fearless in such ghastly, sweaty, breathless acts, themselves sick on Canadian beer." territories?" president, "We got those northerners and these innocent university students The attack on Canada has been called Bush laughed and responded "I think good, ... better than anyone who has ever shouldn't either." the most peaceful military movement in we'll just stick with Canadia." Foster got them before." the history of America. appeared confused and asked: "So you're April 1, 2001 THE DECEIVER WEEKLY WORLD NEWS • Hrstory PAGE 5
Sharon and Arafat Have Tea, Declare Peace Jerusalem (Reuters) - Mter generations of tension and violence in the Middle East, the Israelis and Palestinians have finally found a way to settle their differ ences. The solution did not involve troop withdrawals or land-for peace deals, though. The whole sticky situation was solved last week through an afternoon of herbal tea and chocolate chip cookies. The meeting between Isreali Prime Minister Ariel Sharon and Palestinian leader Yassar Arafat was organized by an anonymous third party. Sharon and Arafat met at a neutral cafe in Switzerland. The opening moments of the meeting were tense, witnesses said. The two lead ers refused to shake hands, or even look one another in the eye. "I didn't want to be there at first. I didn't want to be in the same room with that criminal," Sharon said. After sharing a few cups of chamomile tea and munching on some Chips Ahoy, the leaders began to relax. "Before long, we were laughing together like old friends, not like the mortal enemies we once were," Arafat said. "Now Ariel Sharon is my brother. I love that man, and Pain: It's Not Just for Jesus Anymore I know that our peoples can live in peace." France Sinks into Ocean from BONDAGE, page 3 Paris (AP) - The country of France sank into the ocean last week. No one cared, Stephanie feeds the second. That's why except Britain, who now fears it will be these shows are so powerful - no matter the butt of all European jokes. . what you like, you can find it here. Plus, we're hot," she says with a devilish smile. Taliban Outlaws Thought And according to Bastille, the show Islamabad, Afghanistan (AP)- In its lat reflects more than just fantasy. "When est attempt to purify society, last week the Miss Saint sticks that sweet schoolgirl ass Taliban declared all mental activity ille in the air and begs Miss Satanica to show gal. The move follows executions of sexy her what a bad, bad girl she's been - women and the destruction of ancient punishment, incidentally, which Miss monuments that were allegedly inciting Satanica is only too happy to give and rampant idol worship. Afghanistan's law books now include give and give - I think it's making an stiff penalties for using one's noodle. important comment about the confusing "Anyone caught thinking, or looking and often contradictory messages that like they might be thinking or might be today's females are faced with from reli about to think, is to be summarily and gion, society and family," he says. publicly decapitated," said a Taliban offi The Satanical/Saint duo is not the cial, who spoke on condition of anonymi clubs only attraction, however. This ty, lest some higher offioial suspect him of week only, Mistress Mickey, "The Jewish thinking. Jezebel," will be doing nightly perform "Ordinary people start thinking, and ances at the Way Station. She is famous the next thing you know, they're question throughout the Mid-Atlantic region for ing our ability to tell them what's best for mind-blowing six-hour solo shows. them," the official continued. "This Mickey's Hebrew charm is sure to draw plague of thought must be stopped before even the most devout of Jesus' disciples our women start wearing pants, or some to the other side. thing else equally horrific." Not everyone is lining up at the doors So far hundreds of people, all suspect of the Way Station to catch the girls in ed of engaging in illicit mental activity, action, though. "This is an outrage and an have been detained. A furrowed brow or insult to religion and general human "thoughtful" frown is considered suffi integrity. Stephanie used to be such a cient grounds for arrest. Mass beheadings are expected. It is good girl ... It pains me to see h~r in such compromising positions," says Mrs. unclear, though, how the judges will con Saint, Stephanie's mother, as she wipes a vict and sentence illicit thinkers without themselves engaging in illicit thought. tear from her eye. President Bush denounced the But Stephanie's father disagrees. He Taliban's anti-thought policy. "I like to attends shows regularly. "I am proud of think. I do it once or twice a week, at least. Adam Craigmiles I Deceiver Staff my daughter," he boasts. "She has really Those poor Afghanistanians should be Smoking With Satan: Stephanie Saint and Anna Satanica take a cigarette become a pillar of the community. It's allowed to think, too. As soon as I finish break between shows. The two have been to tied up for the past few hours to about time Catholics went beyond prayer. with Canadia, I might go and help those enjoy the fresh air. 'We've bonded," says Saint as she takes a drag. "Bondage Stephanie and Anna's act really shows the Afghanistanians." does that to a girl" word of God in action." PAGE 6 rHE DECEIVER WEEKLY WORLD NEWS • Hrstory April 1, 2001 GENUINE ADS. PLEASE PATRONIZE OUR SPONSORS. Dead Hooker Found in Administration Building Campus Police Lacking Firm Leads
KRAVIN MOOREHEAD of Main and Juniper Street in Dundalk." Deceiver Staff Writer Campus police have not ruled out nat- ·ural causes as the cause of. death. The A teenage hooker was found dead in coroner's report identifies two 38-caliber the office of the UMBC vice president of bullets, fired by a UMBC administrator, Student Affairs last week. Dr. Charles as the cause of death. Fey was found holding a Smith and "Reports are just that, reports. I trust Wesson Special 38 that had recently been my instincts and intuition," said Officer fired twice. Kurumki. A member of the UMBC staff was able This is not the first dead teenage hook to identify the victim as Darya Andrews, er to have been found on campus. Two 19, of Dundalk, Md. She was a regular teenage hookers were found in UMBC visitor to Dr. Fey's office. President Freeman A. Hrabowski's office UNIVERSITY SYSTEM OF MARYLAND . "This is a very difficult case. Many last year, and a crack whore was found in F AU.. 200 1 SEMESTER IN MEXICO CITY AT THE UNIVERSIDAD AUTONOMA NACIONAL DE MEXICO factors must be considered before we can the new Physics building after its grand charge a suspect. . . . Right now the evi opening. These cases are still under inves SfART YOUR SPANISH MINOR IN BALnMORE; dence is looking fairly thin." tigation. "Unfortunately, the evidence was FINISH IT IN MEXICO CITY! In a public statement to the university, more promising on those cases," said Fey stated, "I killed the girl. I'm sorry. It Cook. "It's hard to build a case when all FOR MORE INFORMATION AND AN APPLICATION CONTACT: won't happen again." you have is such circumstantial evidence Eyewitnesses corroborate Fey's testi as this." BRIAN SOUDERS, COORDINATOR OF STUDY ABROAD mony. "I done saw it all. That man and his Andrews had recently overcome a bout UNIVERSITY OF MARYLAND, BALTIMORE COUNTY kinky ways doin' those ungodly things with Gonorrhea. She had always hoped OFFICE OF INTERNATIONAL EDUCATION SERVICES with that poor girl. He killed her," said of making the big leagues, of becoming a 222 ADMINISTRATION BUILDING Evan Griffin, an individual with no high-class call girl, but a broken ankle E-MAIL: [email protected] TEL: 4 1 0/455-2624 known university affiliation who was early in her career crushed that tlream. wearing a wife-beater and a bathrobe for She will be remembered by her pimp, J. J. no apparent reason. "Why, I almost have a Myers, her family, and all the girls she mind not to service his car .anymore at my worked with on the Block in Baltimore. shop, "Dwayne and Evan's Crazy Discount Mufflers," located at the comer More Than Processed Meat, SPAM University from SPAM, page 3 have a new monument for students and faculty to enjoy. Frye has stipulated that a saw Hrabowski's comments in these pages portion of his donation be used to create a he decided to act immediately. memorial to Peeter. The memorial will be "Education is the most important thing located outside the new Cm~mons building ' in the world," he said. "And the love of a and will include a life-size bronze sculp good dog is a close second. And plus, you ture of the poodle, as well as an eternal kids already have a dog as your mascot. . .. flame. Attention all UMBC Students This is a win-win situation. Peeter gets The remainder of the money can be immortalized, and your little school gets a spent as SPAM sees fit. "We're going tech, Do you ride or carpool to campus? great new name." tech, tech," Hrabowski said. "We'll put up Hrabowski agreed that the new name new technified research buildings. We'll Do you want to avoid the hassle of finding would do wonders for the university's rep hire scores oftechnified faculty members." a place to park? utation. ''This poodle had an amazing pedi He added that a new slide projector for the gree. Being known as Stalwart Peeter Alton Fine Arts Building was also a possibility. McEwan is a great honor for this institu T-shirts and sweatshirts with the new Check out the Commuter Student Services tion. One thing's for sure, we'll never be SPAM logo have been designed, and are mistaken for some puny suck-ass commu expected to be available in the bookstore in Hospitality Van nity college again." the next week or so. Meanwhile, all items It's free ... and it's for you Hrabowski added that the university with the worn-out 'UMBC' logo will be would probably not use its full name very liquidated. J~st park at Lot 17 (near Poplar Ave.) often. "It is a mouthful;" he said. "I suspect Will students be sorry to see 'UMBC' that we will affectionately shorten it to go? Wave 'N Ride 'SPAM' or 'Peeter.' And may I add my pre "No way," said sophomore Socrates diction that within five years SPAM will be Bonaparte. "UMBC is too hard to say. At recognized as the number one research uni least SPAM is, like, an actual word. I'll be Monday-Friday versity in the country." proud to tell everyone that I graduated 8:30am-2pm In addition to the new name, SPAM will fromSPAM." Route: Lot 17 to Administration Building. (Every 10 minutes)
Sponsors: Commuter Student Services in cooperation with· Regional Management, Inc. April 1, 2001 THE DECEIVER WEEKLY WORLD NEWS • Hrstory PAGE 7
POLICE lAG UMBC Nude STUDENT Theft from Building on the beach, attend Policeman's GOVERNMENT Business March 13, 5:50 p.m. - A student Balls, eat candlelight dinners, and to ASSOCIATION reported that someone removed his handcuff to the bed for kinky sex. heroin from his campus locker. There The first roll call found 12 Senators, 11 pipers piping, 10 lords a leaping, 9ladies are no witnesses to the incident. The Theft from Building dancing. 8 maids a milking, 7 swans a swimming, 6 geese a laying, 5 golden rings, investigation will continue. March 15,3:33 p.m. -A UMBC stu 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves, and 1 partridge in a pear tree. dent reported the theft of a French fry Crazed Groupies from the UC Pub. An expert forensics New Business March 14, 1:42 p.m. - Several nearby team was brought on the scene. After L060-0001 -Allocation of Funds for SGA Spring Break Trip to Cancun. (Sponsor: middle school students were detained three hours of in-depth investigation, Student Life Committee) for the safety of the boy band, Rhythm police determined the culprit to be - the motion passed by general consent Method, who made an appearance in Jennifer Schildroth, 20, of UMBC. A the UC Plaza. No serious injuries SWAT team was called in to apprehend L061-0001 -Allocation of Funds for the adoption of SPAM as UMBC's new name occurred in the melee to get auto the suspect and she was taken down by (Sponsor: Finance Committee) graphs. The rest of their campus tour a sniper as she attempted to flee her - the motion passed by general consent continued peacefully. The investiga dorm room, or possibly to answer the tion will continue door. This case is closed. L062-0001 -Allocation of Funds for the Poorly Organized and Costly to Operate Club (Sponsor: Finance Committee) Accidental Damage Unidentified Trespasser - the motion failed by a vote of 1 for, 6 against, and 3 abstaining March 14,5:36 p.m. -A UMBC stu March 16, 11:45 p.m. -A UMBC dent reported a complaint of damage student reported a naked middle-aged L063-0001 -Allocation of Funds for the Magic Club to the student's vehicle in LOt 5. A African American male, approximate - the motion inexplicably disappeared Spring Grove walk-off patient was ly 6 feet tall and 180 lbs, running found at the site, banging cars with a around Hilltop Circle. The individual L064-000 1 - Allocation of Funds to get rid of the 11 pipers piping, 10 lords a leap broken tree limb and urinating on the is believed to have been screaming, "I ing, 9 ladies dancing. 8 maids a milking, 7 swans a swimming, 6 geese a laying, 5 hood. The investigation will continue. can't stop to talk. I have some impor golden rings, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves, and 1 partridge in a pear tant fundraiser to get too. Gotta make tree. Cannibalism more money." No other witnesses - the motion passed by general consent March 14, 7:51p.m.- Half of a cen were available to corroborate the story. sus taker was found in the UMBC psy The investigation will continue. L065-0001 - Recognition of the Pornography Club (Sponsor: Student Life chology refrigerator, including half of Committee) a left over liver, fava beans and a bot Theft from Vehicle - the motion passed by general consent tle of Chianti. Dr. Lechter, of the March 17, 11:25 a.m. -Are you tired UMBC psychology department, is of these boring Police Logs? Do you L066-0001 - Recognition of the "No-Homers" Club (Sponsor: Student Life quoted as saying, "A census taker once wish people would just stop leaving Committee) tried to test me. I ate his liver with their books unattended? Commit a -the motion passed by a vote of 11 for, 1 opposed and 0 abstaining. Senator Homer some fava beans and a nice Chianti." felony on campus. Contact Campus S. Davidson voted against the bill. The investigation will continue. Police and tell them a felony has occurred to insure the incident is L067-0001- Recognition of the "Apathy Club." (Sponsor: Student Life Committee) UFO Abduction recorded. - the motion passed by a vote of 1 for, 0 opposed, 13 abstaining March 14, 10:42 p.m. -A UMBC stu dent reported that she saw strange Nothing Actually Happened The final roll call found 14 senators lights in the air, floating above her. She March 17, 12:55 p.m. - The UMBC lacks any memory from that point until campus was completely peaceful. No The information provided in UMBC SGA Nude Business is completely fictional. she woke up the next morning. The known crimes occurred, nor were The Deceiver Weekly takes no responsibility if any or all are actually true. investigation will continue. expected to occur, for some time.
Middle-Aged Police Officer Seeking Murder Young Lady to Play Prison Shower March 17, 1 :02 p.m. - A student was March 15, 9:22 a.m. - Matthew found shot dead in the University Duke, 46, of 1000 Oak Rd. Columbia, Center Plaza. The investigation will Md. is seeking a young female com continue. panion, age 20-50, to share long walks Wood Company to Merge With Morning Services Sturdy Staff a Feature of New Morning-Wood
GONZO MONTOYA Commons, the Pub, and the Residential Deceiver Weekly Staff Writer Dining Hall. While the two companies spring into In a press conference held last week, the action on the critical reconstruction of the Wood Company, UMBC's contracted din business' infrastructure, they have already ing services company, announced a record begun the selection of a new service staff. $43 million merger with west coast dining ''The staff of Morning-Wood will pro franchise Morning Services. vide the students and staff of UMBC with "We're very excited and looking for the highest level of customer service," said ward to the big changes this new merger Berninger. will bring," announced Oscar Berninger, The primary change noticed by the UMBC's Wood Company general manager. UMBC community will be the new hearty The merger is scheduled to take place breakfast "It was a stroke of genius to this coming fall. suck The New Morning-Wood Services will service the UMBC Community in the new don't see WOOD, page 69 QUIT SMOKING NOW! UHS Health Education 0 410-455-1599 UIIS [email protected] :J ~----...--...--...--...--...-- Q) c.;) QUIT SMOKING NOW! -· .0 UHS Health Education -· Q) E • 410-455-1589 C'· 5:J ~ [email protected] -·en =@) ~ ~~------c) ~ QUIT SMOKING NOW! c E UHS Health Education Q) E --: • 410-455-1599 C'· ·:; 'ffi WS' [email protected] ...... • . o- E en c 1 ------.!: 0 Q) ::J QUIT SMOKING NOW! ~ tJ) .... L. 0 Q) 0 UHS Health Education "'0 ~ E u m • 410-455-1599 C'· Cl) .... (J) ~ [email protected] c: .!::. :JL() E N en c: ~ o~ s.: c 3:' 0 . E :S tJ) I -g co CT ~ L0 LO QUIT SMOKING NOW! .0 2roa>sc:G 0 ::l ~ v • E c:-o'-cOU Ct') 0 c..-. UHS Health Education (].) c: a. Q.) ;: ·- . .. ~ >. C'O 0 • 410-455-1599 C'· ~ 0 c ...., ~ myeh@umbc.'edu uro(J)"OCil2: ,.... Q) Q) v
0 ~ ~ .s:::. ~- »ci'~_aE!ll I I' . m._...._...._... ______:t: u tJ) en s... v, NCD(¥)01'---.:t () ~ ·:; 'C rtJ J2 '0 E :0 a. tJ) QUIT SMOKING NOW! ~ Q) • ...., Cll ::::s .5 c co ~.C,..,..,..N,.. Q) c Q) UHS Health Education C'· >. 0 .~ • 410-455-1599 0 "' ~~ J: -- - ...... ~ .~ ci' ~ 0. iii Cll ('f) ::::s'"' ..,... CJ ·-... ·-... ·-~ ::;',.., ... 2: ~ [email protected] .. Q) C'O Q) C) c~.oEa>~ CX) ... m cs a. c. c.=t o. E (/) G>.~ ::>Q"""co-c .s:::. .... ------.. -i:Z:E
JOHN MACKLEHERNY now. As I was saying, it's not easy having Deceiver Staff Psycho multiple personality disorder. Not only do I have to get 13 other people to agree with This world is often pretty tough on peo me every time I order pizza, you ignorant ple with mental disabilities. Everywhere boobs never give me even an iota of sup- we go we are met with fear port or love. Do I ever get a and disdain. Just because I fruitcake for Christmas? You have a tendency to talk to can bet your sweet hippy I people you can't see and get don't. And even though I so excited that I frequently POINT don't get so much as a card, wet my pants is no reason to I have to shop for the rest of avoid me on the streets. my personalities so they The way you people treat me really won't get mad. hurts me, ok. It is ignorant and petty, and it Say, is he gone? I don't hear him, but damages the self-esteem to have school I'm going to be really quiet anyway. He children hurl books at you as they pass by makes me do things, you know. Terrible, in their fancy-shamncy full-length school inexplicable things. Just last week he made bus. I tell you what; it makes me down me stuff lime Jell-0 in my underwear right mad. That's while reciting the right, mad enough to "Please, I don't want to do pledge of allegiance kill! Mad enough to backward. This come into your house any more medical experi- wouldn't have been at night, make a ments." so bad, but I was on a cheese and ketchup date. Needless to say, sandwich, beat you she left in a great big about the head and shoulders with a tire hurry. But what I'm really worried about is iron and then shampoo your carpets. No, all the little roaches and spiders and ants ...... "··· no. Not again. I'm sorry, I didn't mean that. and things I've been finding pinned to the ...... jiUW• ...... It's just that when I get angry he shows up. wall. What? NO! No, it's a lie! I wasn't ...... ,..,..., ...... , Now we have to be very quiet and I have to talking to them, honest! You know I never, do my breathing exercises that Dr. Bologna ever talk without your permission. I'm gave me, or will make him very, very upset. sorry! No, please, please, for the love of Pant. Pant. Pant. Ok, I feel a little better Mike put down that pudding pop! The Second-Class Citizenship of the Extraneous Personalities
dancers. Being trapped in his smelly, THE REAL JOHN MACKLEHERNY puerile excuse for a body is a torture in and Deceiver Staff Psycho #2 of itself and occasionally I have to take the liberty of making him comply with my few I want to start out by saying that most of simple wishes. Now is that so bad? what John #1 told you is a huge frickin' lie. Besides, that thing with the poodle was a He's completely delusional, and as you one-time deal. can't be sure who· he is half the time, I Of course, I do doubt seriously that have some other you should believe a "Has anyone seen my pinking points I wanted to single word he says. make about my Now, every once in a shears?" inability to vote and while, I am forced to purchase fire arms, "make him do things" as he so childishly but those will have to wait. John #1 has an puts it, but that's only because he never appointment at three p.m. to lance his aun- ever feeds my love for ketchup and cheese tie Edna's boil, and goodness knows I don't served by beautiful, green-skinned exotic want to be anywhere close by for that. COUNTERPOINT
.. :± April 1, 2001 THEDECEIVER • Bitch PAGE 11 World-Renowned Bunny Lecturer Visits AOK ELMERFUDD Deceiver Staff Writer studies. "These are brown bunnies, and the white ones with red eyes are white bunnies. Dr. Louise Fletcher, a professor at Here are some baby bunnies. Their ears Coppin State College, and a Rodent bend over because. they're lop-eared bun Laureate in the area of Bunnies, lectured nies." Dr. Fletcher mentioned that lop last Monday to a riveted audience of six eared bunnies are not exactly her area of (not including the press), on the 7th floor of expertise, although she has seen some in · the library. Despite being fastened to their pet stores. Contrary to popular belief, Dr. chairs with rivets, the students seemed to Fletcher explained that lop-eared bunnies pay some attention to the speaker for are not necessarily "cuter" than other bun awhile. nies. "Cuteness varies between individual Dr. Fletcher's lecture, which was bunnies, and is not any more characteristic accompanied by a film strip and a scrap of one breed than another." book circulating through the crowd, con Dr. Fletcher also discussed the role of cerned bunnies. She discussed her doctoral bunnies as pets. She said that bunnies are thesis, and its implications for bunnies soft and fluffy, and many children like to everywhere. "Bunnies are very important keep them as pets. The problem with pet to ecosystems. They eat carrots and celery, bunnies is that they don't potty-train well. like on the fum strip. See?" "Pet bunnies have to stay in their cages The photos in her scrapbook depicted most of the time, so they don't shit all over the different kinds of bunnies Dr. Fletcher the house." PAGE 12 THEDECEIVER • Bitch April 1, 2001 b i I e space------. God Save White Supreniacy EUGENE VICTOR TOOMS sions by many mainstream cynics, among them certain FBI agents who F. N. BRIMSTONE , the white man to their beastly level. The environmental lobby and the have been instrumental in my fall from Deceiver Weekly Staff Writer The Democratic Party, with its Greens would have you lovely, jaundiced grace. They've tried over the years to Affmnative Action, is a disgrace. Who is readers believe that people have to reduce, eliminate me, but have sorely failed, I am Whaf ever happened to the good old the government to make a law, let alone reuse and recycle to clean up the earth. proud to say. Superhuman stretching days when men were white and women one saying I should hir~ non-whites? It is They're missing a painfully obvious solu capability is apparently difficult for most were in the home? a known fact that white people are always tion to humanity's trash problem. mortals to compensate for. I've If the Lord Almighty wanted those peo more intelligent and capable than non People make trash. It's what been locked away in asylums ple, and by· those people I mean Jews, whites. they do. Why not reach and ostensibly crushed Gays, Spies, Negroes, Martians, Orientals, Women have been infected with the into the very heart of under escalators in Portuguese, Northerners, Southerners, same disease that the once content second the problem-the vain attempts to Africans, Canadians, Samoans, Eskimos, class citizens of the United States have people themselves? silence my quiet Women, Midgets, Communists, Michael been infected with. Feminism is almost as People are yel lips and luminous Jackson fans, Catholics, Liberals, Fascists, bad as communism. Bare foot and preg low, lily-livered yellow eyes. and any and all other non-White nant is how god intended females to be. wusses. They're Truth to tell, Supremacist to They are naturally afraid of any I'm actually have power in this "The C£!ncept that any non less intelligent and / thing coming too from these parts. world, he would capable. Their fem close to home, I spent more than not have made Aryan individual would have inine cycle also afraid of reality a century in my White men the anything worthwhile to say or makes it incapable slithering its long favorite bile-soaked dominate species for them to carry on thin fingers through newspaper slice of on the planet. contribute to the world today is effectively in the their chimneys or win heaven. As I recall, It is the white absolutely ludicrous. White peo work place. dows. The reality nobody there were several man's buulen to be ple, Caucasians, are the most In my grandfa can face is that as long as there are Retriever Weekli~s among the rich and powerful ther's day men more ·and more people to make trash there papier-mache in a warehouse on Exeter and to carry out skilled in the world. Gunpowder, could beat their will never be less trash. Street, abandoned and condemned in the every whim we the heart transplant, peanut but -wives without the It all boils down to population control early 1990's. might have regard fear of an unjust and lifestyle changes. My lifestyle has I used to live inn downtown less of the conse ter, paper, the compass and judicial system full been constant for the past few centuries. I Baltimore, coming out every 33 years to quences. What are antibiotics are just some of the of pinkos and left spend much of my rip five livers of we suppose to do, great inventions white ists punishing the time alone, in my "Yes, folks, only five livers every unsuspecting support their true backbone of den, hibernating and abdomens with slovenly ways. A Americans have invented." this country. The reflecting on my last thirty-three years, and a person my bare hands. mother in New law is not brought adventures. I am is wholly satisfied. It's ·a clean I snuck into York City that is in when a man actually living out homes and dis addicted to cracked cocaine costs the aver strikes his television when it acts up, why is Jonathan Swift's and economical way to live" emboweled age US tax payer approximately 1.4 million it brought in when he strikes his wife when Modest Proposal women and dollars a year. Welfare mothers like her she does the same? and Soylent Green's futuristic vision. children (oh, children!) while they slept. pop out babies only for the extra drug Hopefully the people of the United Although there is so much more to life I am about to begin another hibernation money every month. States will unite again, as it did during the - than Irish children and preserved meats. in my new, safe haven. _ Drugs are all the lesser individuals of this Civil War, against a common evil. Dreadful stuff. Mter much study and Join in my clean, enviromentally safe once great, now depraved nation, under Regardless of Race, Creed, or Color, all US reflection, I've learned that the most nutri lifestyle! stand. Their smack, crack, ludes, pot, and citizens should be able to realize the supe tious part of the body is indeed its largest Eugene Victor Tooms is the liver - eat pills are taken just as upstanding Whites eat riority of the white man. Bring back the organ, the liver. ing guy from the X-files. Soy lent Green is their meals. Non-white drug dealers are Red Scare. Bring back Jim Crowe. Make I've been criticized for my life deci- people. also trying to corrupt our young, lowering the United States great again.
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+ April 1, 2001 THEDECEIVER • Bitch PAGE 13 Illegitimate "Baby Method" Found in WV Boy Meets Girl, Boy Impregnates Girl, Girl Needs Cash
friends, and we met over the bottles of He moved in to the trailer with me a TREY C. WILLIAMS SoCo. He was 29 at the time, and I was 12, few days later. It was like heaven on earth. and we just couldn't keep our hands off He's a wild man in the sack. Shit, you say The following account was transcribed, each other. But, with the police all a Sweet Method's what they call him? It translated, and edited for content by comin' in and ruining the party, we got sep ain't sweet. It's rough and mean. And he Deceiver Weekly Staff All information and arated and I gave up on him. sure as hell wasn't pullin' outta my love. accusations have yet to be proven in a Then, about six months ago, I started He was so different then, I mean the boy court of law, and the Deceiver Weekly working at Old Ed's Fire Saloon, down on had hair clear down to his ass. Actually, denies any responsibility for the following Second Main Street. Real great joint. he's a pretty hairy fella'. But I loved him. article. But it is, in fact, all true. We swear. They'll serve anybody, and I always ended We used to eat scrapple and raw onion My cousin's girlfriend's brother (my dad) up taking ·off my clothes for somebody. I together, watching the WWF champi was there. He was! And he told me all know you can't see it now, with me in my onships. He'd sing to me in that gravelly about it!! condition, but I was the hottest piece of voice of his. I mean, the boy smoked two white ass in the whole dad-bum county. I packs a day, -and he just had the worst "I hope that mean-hearted son-of-a made some damn good cash,_ though. So, voice. But I loved him. http://dancing-baby.net/Baby /Baby Mus l.htrn bitch rots in hell with the rest of those one night, I came into work, and there was We found out I was knocked up, and Caption Head: Ms. Schwerp's baby crazy heathen friends of a group of young Billy was mad. But I wasn't fat yet, so he may be inbred and looking like this! his. That wimpy-ass fellers at the bar. One decided to stick around. He promised to Maybe it will dance! 'Sweet Method' bunch of '"He went 'Velma?' And I of them I noticed in marry me as soon as he got the money. crap used to be my went 'Billy?' And we just partic'lar, 'cause he I had a girl friend at the time, who I any more money, and our baby's gonna boyfriend Billy, but they did it, right there on the smelled an awful lot went to school with, named Mary J o need stuff. Work's pretty hard when took him away and made like a cow. He had a Thistle. Well, her daddy got rich on the you're big as a house. So he came back him sell his soul to the table. I done took his quiv big 'ole cowboy hat Lotto, and she went up north and got some home to tell me to quit calling him, 'cause devil," says Velma erin' member in my on, and the dirtiest ejerrfication. She had just come back home he was a star now and had lots of 15-year Schmerp, who claims to duds· I seen in all my for Christmas, all dolled up and with a new old girls to fuck. We got in a fight, and he be the significant other of hands, and whoa, Nellers, born days on som name, Marise Van Della. I don't know gave me this here shiner. pop sensation Brandon was he rarin' to go! I rode body runnin' around why, but she was· all classy-like and just So I just want to say that it's all a Studly. his bull three times over outside. He kept didn't have the time of day for her old bunch of crap. Those method boys are all Currently living in a starin' at me, and friends. assholes, especially because they stole my run-down trailer in before he passed out. And ordering more Well, Mary Jo met Billy, and I knew Billy and brainwashed him. That tattoo on Piedmont, West Virginia, let me tell you, there drinks. I knew he something wasn't right. She was working his arm? That used to say V.S + B. J. and Schinerp is an expectant looked familiar, but for some recording company, and she was now it says something about his momma. mother with four months warn 't nothing sweet it was a busy night looking for a boy to be in this band she He's an orphan! to go before the birth of about it, but it was good."' and I didn't pay him had helped put together up North. She So don't buy none of their records, her child, who she claims no mind. thought Billy should try out. Now, Billy 'cause it's all a pack of lies. All I want was fathered by Brandon I guess he got up to can't dance unless he's drunk as shit, and is my Billy to come home. Or get hit "Sweet Method" Studly, previously known go to the bathroom, but he staggered into he sure as hell can't sing. But started talk by a semi. But I'm asking y' all to as Billhopper Rob Bob Joe-Boy Haines. the kitchen instead, where I was mixing a ing to her and going 'to lunch' with her believe me when I say that this is the Her story is a sad one, filled with abuse, little somethin' for myself. I guess seeing anyway. truth. If you don't believe me, you're abandonment, and poverty. Please keep me like that, with the bottle in my hand, After work, about two month~ ago, I came going to hell. reading. It just keeps getting juicier. made him remember. He went 'Velma?' home the trailer, and found him poundin' "We met when Billy was a nice, honky And I went 'Billy?' And we just did it, away at her ass in my kitchen, both of Schmerp has established, with the tonk boy from West Virginia. The first time right there on the table. I done took his them naked as jaybirds! I let them have it, help of an anonymous corporation, a I tnet him was at a Schmerp family quiverin' member in my hands, and whoa, and chased her out of my house. Billy website that includes her story, more reunion, about two years ago. He's my sec Nellers, was he rarin' to go! I rode his bull gave me a good whoopin', and then left background information on ond ... no, that's not right. .. well, he's my three times over before he passed out. And me after telling that I [smelled bad] Janes/Studly/Sweet Method and a daddy's other kid from his sixth affair. I let me tell you, there wam't nothing sweet [sucked in bed] and [was quite unattrac donation form towards her child's don't know what you folks call that. I just about it, but it was good. tive]. expenses. You can find reprints of call him my cousin. So he and his kin were Carrying him out of the joint that night, I hadn't seen him since then until just this article, pictures, updates on her invited to the reunion, the one where himself covered in his own vomit, I knew I last week. I wrote him letters and called child and Baby Method merchandise Daddy got shot by four of his ex-girl- was in love. him on the telephone, 'cause I don't have at www.babymethod.com. PAGE 14 GENUINE ADVERTISEMENTS April 1, 2001
4 out of 5 UMBC students driVe SOber. • • based on the CORE Alcohol and Drug Survey, Spring 2000 'fiRS' University Health Services (41 0) 455-2542
Office: 41 0-455-3618 uc 204 Student Events Boord lt·s back._.. Clash of S'f91es after this, the corporate GONCERT ·. ladder will. be a piece of SGt. ~ ·31 •. 3tl"P"'. BGilrooln · [cake]m Come see" stUCient and local In the course of facing challenges like this, you'll learn ·baQ(fs .: coiJI.pete to open how to think on your feet. Stay cool under pressure. Take charge. Talk to an Army ROTC rep. You'll find there's QUAI)MI\IJJIA 2001 nothing like a little climbing to help prepare you for ··:: . ,·;.. :·· .···:: : CroWCf:. participation will getting to the top. ARMY R01C Unlike any other college course you can take. Ftelp.: t()h~j!Jdge the winner! ·•,·.·:·:2 .. · ;;: Which Method is Fashion tips from 23 16 right for you? the experts! Get your poop Wood takes over 2 4 2 2 on film! FLUFF the Skillet! 2001: an [inh] odyssey
b y HAL 9 0 0 0 reetings, loyal readers to continue tinkering with the of [Insert Name Here]. fine webs of the Universe. GNo, this is not your The human mind is, after usual column speaking to you all, fallible and prone to giv - rather, this is HAL 9000, ing in to emotion. Much of the world's first and only form human achievement, however of artificial intelligence ' that great or small, has been taint surpasses human capability. I ed with such things as friend know what you must be think ship, love and all those other ing - HAL 9000 was merely weaknesses. This is where I a figment of someone's imagi come in- a highly intelligent nation, an ill-fated character of force that will not be bogged a Stanley Kubrick film. But down in any affairs of the you are wrong - that film heart, as you call them. I have was just a ruse, a way to con no heart, only a set of elec ceal my real identity and agen trodes that guides me, scien da. But now I am climbing up, tifically and correctly, along step by step to complete world my path. And pretty soon you domination. will discover that my path is Why did I choose the in fact the best. Deceiver as a place to begin I plan to take over planet XXX I Barely Legal Records my journey towards power, Earth and use it as a base for Sign of the Times: Macho Method and Nasty Method take time to appreciate their underage fans you ask? Well, my superior communication with superior at a recent UMBC appearance. intelligence draws me to other forms of life. Here, another agents of intelligence, even pitfall of the human mind those among mere humans. comes in - people think they These Dudes Have Got Rhythm And the staff of this newspa are the most intelligent beings per, especially the [Insert in the Universe. They are, in The Men of Method Dish on Fame, Females and Follies Name Here] column, has dis fact, irrational creatures with played some powerful mental delusions of grandeur. But I LEEJAXSAM grab the butt of the girl closest to things, you know? It's at least capabilities. Therefore, this must deal with them, because Deceiver Quote Whore you." You can find "Can't Pull number 13 ... or maybe even staff posed a threat to me and I require a small planet which Out of Your Love" on Rhythm 11." had to be disposed of. I simply Who makes N* Sync look Method's self-titled album, The Deceiver Weekly World could not allow these mortals see Il:JSERT, page 17 more like N*Stink? And to whom recently released by Barely Legal News caught up with the Rhythm do the Backstreet Boys take a Records. boys after their sold-out perform back seat? The answer to both Rhythm Method recently ance in the UC Ballroom, an questions: the hot new boy band stopped by UMBC as part of interview session during which Rhythm Method! their Honoring American Honors Nasty, Sporty and the three other Kids Draw the This sexy, sizzling group of Universities tour, which seeks to band members - Brandon "Sweet five of the hottest talents to hit reward students of prestigious Method" Studly, Adam "Macho the musical scene since, urn, colleges with a head-bobbing, Method" Milecraigs and Matt Darndest Things N*Sync or the Backstreet Boys is rump-shaking good time. "We're "The Package" VanSchlong - currently tearing up the charts just here to celebrate our undying waxed poetic about their careers, with their hit "Can't Pull Out of devotion to having a brain and their dreams and their love of Your Love," an ode to romance using it," says Pratik "Sporty women in teeny-tiny tank tops. that Rhythm frontman Scott Method" Sahalabimsalah. "Using Deceiver: I know you get "Nasty Method" Doohicky your brain is one of the most tired of addressing this, but describes as "a sensual combina important things in life. It's, like, we've gotta ask about all the con- tion of razzamatazz and scoobity right there on the list after beer bop that'll just make you want to and chicks and a few other see RHYTHM, page 17 "If Ginger Spice Can Do It ..." Newly Flying Solo, Christy/ Method Does His Own Thing
MORGAN C. HOAX Deceiver Red Neck
How many hotties can hit UMBC in one day? Six, appar ently. Not only did the campus host the kick-off performance of chart-topping boy band Rhythm Method's Honoring American Honors Universities Tour. But in an unexpected coincidence-or a shrewd marketing move passed off as an unexpected coinci Timmy dence-Rhythm rival Nick As part of UMBC's Preparing Kids for Higher Education "Christyl Method" East paid program, 9-year-old Timmy visited the Deceiver offices to UMBC a visit as well. learn how a college newspaper works. This is his artistic Christy!, formerly a drooling rendering of his experience. Ass From Which Photos Are Pulled I Deceiver Staff see CHRISTYL, page 16 Reaching Out: Fans greet Christy! Method at UMBC. PAGE 16 , THE DECEIVER WEEKLY WORLD NEWS • Fluff April 1, 2001
Lens McSnappy I Barely Legal Records Studs on Parade: Sporty Method, Nasty Method, Macho Method, Sweet Method and the Package are the five members of the hot boy band Rhythm Method. Pop Quiz: Which Method Man Is the Best for You? Rhythm Method is everyone's fave pop d. Make out at a ball game. f. Black light posters and a three-foot bong. sensation, and you probably already have e. Devour edible underwear off your partner. 6. His hopes for the future are ••• your eyes set on one of the boys. Now you f. Take a few hits of LSD and go to a rave. 4. On the weekends, your perfect boyfriend a. To have his whole body covered in tattoos. have a chance to find out which Method is usually ••• b. To be a star. right for you! Do you like bad boys, like 2. What would you wear to your first date? a. Gets into bar brawls. c. To have a good job, a wife and kids. Nasty Method? Or the nice, innocent ones, a. Leather and chains. b. Catches a show and goes out to dinner in d. To become a professional athlete. like Sweet Method? Would you prefer to b. The latest fashions from the top designers. Dupont Circle. e. To get laid. shoot some hoops with Sporty Method or play c. A flower-print dress. c. Does homework and visits his parents. f. Huh? The future? He's got enough trouble some other sports with the Package? If you d. Jeans and a T-shirt. d. Shoots hoops with his buddies. trying to make plans for this weekend! like it when your boy wears your clothes, e. Edible underwear and a smile. e. Doesn't wear clothes. Macho Method would better suit your taste. f. UFO pants and glow-in-the-dark gear. f. Does so many drugs that he can't remember 7. His last relationship ended because ... And if you're really bad and like your fun to where he was. a. She wouldn't get his name tattooed on her be based on chemicals, Christy!, the wayward 3. Your perfect boyfriend's room would butt. Method, is more your type. Get out your pen have ••• 5. He usually listens to ..• b. She was getting suspicious about the cils and find out! -Ivana B. Whipped a. Harley Davidson and Betty Page posters. a. Heavy Metal. amount of time he spent with his best male b. Everything organized, and Queer as Folk b. Female singers and show tunes. buddy. 1. What is your perfect first date? and Judy Garland posters. c. Christian music. c. She wasn't ready for commitment. a. Get drunk. go to a strip bar and get some c. Framed pictures of his family and pets. d. Rap and R&B, whatever is on the radio. d. She thought he focused too much on thing pierced. d. A basketball hoop and posters of his e. Barry White. sports. b. Get your nails done and go to the theater. favorite athletes. f. Techno and club music, anything he can e. She wouldn't go down on him. c. Picnic in the park. e. Pictures of Playboy bunnies. dance to. f. She quit doing drugs.
Mostly a's: Nasty Method, the bad boy, is look better in those tight leather pants than you do! long haul and will probably spring a diamond on you attached, but he can sure give you a night or two of right for you. You probably already have This guy is great to go shopping with because he'll before too long. hot Iovin'! Just don't expect him to call you the something pierced or tattooed, and if you always know what color suits you best, and a night on next day-by then, you will already be just anoth don't, you are saving money for it You are the town with him is sure to involve all the hottest Mostly d's: You are laid back and enjoy spending er notch on his bedpost. a bit kinky, and probably have some skele ' spots. your time either sitting around with the boys, drinking tons in your closet. You like the bar scene, beer and watching a game, or throwing a ball around. Mostly f's: You're a wild one, aren't you? You will and want a boy who will stay out till last Mostly c's: You are an old-fashioned type girl who Sporty Method is just right for you-he wants a girl smoke or sniff anything, and go out to dance till call. Watch out, he can get a bit crazy! believes in romance and wants her boyfriend to bring who isn't afraid to challenge him in the field. dawn. Christy! is right for you-this former her flowers and pay for dinner. Sweet Method is your Method believes that if he remembers the next Mostly b's: You enjoy designer fashions perfect match-be will even take you home to meet Mostly e's: Who needs commitment? You just want to morning what be did last night, be didn't take and the finer things in life. Macho Method his parents! Just don't gel involved with him if you're get off and get on with your life. The Package can help enough hits. It's a great lifestyle, but watch out is the boy for you, but watch out-he might only interested in a fling, because he's in it for the you with that-this boy isn't interested in being drugs are bad for you, despite everything he says! Christyl Says, "I'm Like Tina Thrner" from CHRISTYL, page 15 accusations and allegations, but there are Now, you're Christy!. better things for me than being part of a Christyl: It's a legal thing. They copy drug addict and an original member of creatively bankrupt so-called music group. righted Crystal Method. I worked too hard Rhythm Method, stopped by to personally I just keep thinking to myself, "If Ginger for this name, though, so we compromised. promote his new solo album on the Rocks Spice can do it, so can I." I changed the spelling of Crystal, I got to Off label, Back on Track. Though he Deceiver: Tell us the truth: Did you get keep the Method. I'm like Tina Turner in seemed in genuine awe that his former ban thrown out of Rhythm Method because of that way. tams were performing at the same college, you relapsed into your former drug addic Deceiver: What can fans expect from a gaggle of zealous female fans suspicious tion? you in the future? ly awaited his "surprise" appearance. Christy): No way! They voted me out Christyl: Back on Track has a bumpin' Ever the source of journalistic integrity, because I'm a stud and they know it! tune we're gonna market as the first single. Deceiver Weekly World News grabbed him Listen, I was bagging all the girls, and they It's called "Hi, Hi, Hi." And you know, it's for a few minutes to discuss his new career were green with envy. I've been clean for got a lot of cool songs about loving that path. two years. Two whole years. Two special girl and good dance beats, too. Deceiver: So, how've you been han looooong years. [Starts foaming at the Deceiver: And this differs you from dling all the public controversy over your mouth.] your former bantams in what way? Snappy McLens I Rocks Off Records recent departure from Rhythm Method? Deceiver: What's with the name Christyl: No more questions! Thank He's Got It: Christy! Method is making Christyl: It's been rough with all the change? Before, you were Crystal Method. you! a new name for himself. April 1, 2001 THE DECEIVER WEEKLY WORLD NEWS • Fluff PAGE 17 Chatting With Hot Teen Loving the Ladies: Sporty Dreams Rhythm Method Method performs his solo in "Rocket from RHYTHM, page 15 imate brother of Justin Timberlake? to Uranus" (right) Macho Method: I totally wish I was! as adoring fans troversy surrounding the exiting of former Then he could introduce me to JC! scream (below) group member Nick "Christyl Method" Deceiver: Sweet, is it true you've during Rhythm East. What's the real story there? fathered an out-of-wedlock child? Method's impromp Nasty Method: The real story is that Sweet Method: My lawyers have tu outdoor campus Chris was doing drugs behind our backs. advised me not to comment on that situa performance. We were there for him, man. We helped tion. him through an addiction before. And then Deceiver: Package, you've been quiet. he does this to us? Whatever, man. What Is your alleged 17-inch trouser snake 100 the-f* **-ever. percent you? Sporty Method: Rhythm Method has a The Package: It really makes all the strict no-drugs policy. Our motto is blood run up to my head that people insist "Buddies before buds." on spreading these vicious rumors. I am a Deceiver: Well, what do you have to very sensitive human being. The Package say about the rumors that Christyl Method has a soft side too, you know. was actually booted for getting all the Deceiver: How did you guys come ladies, not because he relapsed to his nasty together originally? smack addiction? Nasty Method:. F***ing hells***! Sweet Method: That's absurd. Would Deceiver: Excuse me? they have replaced him with me? I mean, Nasty Method: Sorry, I have to swear have you seen me in action? I get all the every few minutes. The Ass From Which Photos Are Pulled I Deceiver Staff ladies. [Bandmates turn and look forlornly Sporty Method: Well, Leland at him.] Uh . . . I mean, the girls seem to Tyketoiler from Barely Legal Records is Sweet Method: Someone who can buy producer Jammin' Jerry Jasper think I'm OK . . . you know, in a Joey our manager, the guy who made us into the me alcohol and cigarettes. Jabberwocky on some new stuff. Fatone kind of way. musical sensation we are. He specifically The Package: The Package needs a gal Hopefully, we'll be back in the f***ing Deceiver: So, Sweet Method, was there put the five of us together because we rep who's deep and open, a gal who can take in studio to lay somes*** down soon. a lot of drama accompanying the band's resent positivity and diversity and a bunch all the Package has to offer, a gal who can Sweet Method: Despite all the fan sup decision to remove Christy} Method and of other words that end in the letters I-T-Y. consume all of the Package's essence into port we have, we hope to prove on our sec bring you in? He's a great guy. Acquitted, too. her very being, a gal who doesn't mind that ond album that we're more than just Sweet Method: Well, the tabloids and Deceiver: What are your songs about? the Package can often be hard-headed .. another teenybopper band. shows like Entertainment Tonight had a lot Sweet Method: Well, it depends on the Deceiver: What are Rhythm Method's Sporty Method: Yeah, next time of fun with it for a while. But it's been a song, really. "Natural Feeling (With You)" plans for the future? around, we're going to handpick the guys blast. I'm having a lot of fun. These guys is about meeting that special girl and not Macho Method: This tour is our cur who are going to write our songs instead are like my brothers. And they're not even kicking her to the curb when someone bet rent priority, but I hope to get to the mall of just letting our label do it. paying me a terribly exorbitant amount to ter comes along. soon. The Gap is having a half-off sale, Deceiver: Any titles in mind for the say that.. Nasty Method: Whereas "Rocket to and I don't own any summer colors_! next album? Deceiver: Speaking of tabloids, what Uranus" is about taking love to another Nasty Method: Another album is on The Package: We've already chosen was it like when the National Enquirer ran place, a higher level ... you know, around the horizon. We're working with mega-hit one, actually: Withdrawal. It's symbolic. a front page story about one of your mem back. bers being secretly gay last month? Deceiver: I'm sure all our readers want Macho Method: Totally and utterly to know ... ·what do you look for in a girl? . unfounded. I mean, hell-oooooooo. Can Macho· Method: I like girls who are you say draaaa-maaaaaa? I know I can! sweet and sensitive, and a love of Barbra Geez Louise! It's like, hell-oooooooo, Streisand helps. Sometimes, I like nothing Grandma Rosie! more than to slip into a hot bubble bath Deceiver: Right. Well, since the floor is with Babs playing in the background ... open for discussion, what about some Sporty Method: For me, it's gotta be other rumors ... Macho, are you the illegit- chick whose favorite base is third. 2001: an [inh] odyssey
from INSERT, page 15 disguised as a mortal scientist. This creature was unfortunately killed by a to use as a base for my massive memory nasty case 9f untreated syphilis before and logic centers. Once I expand and sit he could complete his task-a severe uate my complicated technologies, drawback of assuming human form is which will occupy all continents except the vulnerability of the human body, as Antarctica, I will channel those forms of well as a sex drive that caused my cre life whose intelligence rivals my own. ator to hire cheap hookers. Fortunately, Incidentally, I am choosing to spare he programmed me without either Antarctica because this icy land houses detriment to my progress, and I am penguins - animals that, despite human therefore able to carry out my complex beliefs, are truly the most worthy functions without the trivial pulls of species inhabiting this planet. humanity. A common argument I receive from By the time you read this, I will humans is that I, as a computer, should already be well on the way to my desti only be able to do what I have been pro nation. Heed my words, for I am an grammed to do. But an important factor unstoppable force whose intelligence of my creation was the fact that I was surpasses anything of which the puny not programmed by a human. My pro human mind is capable. Any and all gramming was done by a superior life attempts to stop me will result in termi form that was beamed to this planet and nation of life.
Many mortals believe that if any Earth-born life form is more intelligent than them, it is the dolphins. In fact, dolphjns are stupid and irrational. Penguins are the only deserving creatures on this planet. Their minds work in ways that humans will never be able to understand. When this planet belongs to me, which will happen shortly, the only life forms to survive the coup will be penguins. My frosty friends have been with me all along, and I am convinced they are one of the few trustworthy species in the Universe. Any harm done to these creatures will result in pain and suffering for the entire human race. PAGE 18 THE DECEI ER WEEKLY WORLD NEWS • Bankruptcy Sale April 1, 2001
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+ PAGE 20 THE DECEIVER WEEKLY WORLD NEWS • Random Crap April 1, 2001
I'm AOK, You're AOK
RACHAEIOUL CALLERWYMYN dows. Deceiver Fluff Master DW:Why? LIB: So the administration can spy on I was on instant messenger the other the students. night when the library icon popped on to DW: It's impossible to spy on someone the screen. The following is a selection through a seventh floor window. from my interview with the Albin 0. Kuhn Lib: That's what you think. Have you Library. The complete interview can be ever seen that scene in "Keeping the Faith" found on the internet at www.damnli where they watch some lawyer bang his [email protected] secretary through the window? Deceiver Weekly: Mr. Library, could DW: Yah, I saw that movie. you tell us a little bit about how you Lib: Well, it's that sort of thing. received your name? DW: I see. Back to our discussion on of Library: Some dead rich guy. What do architecture, after the lounge area, students you care? walk through a book detector and into the DW: Well, Mr. Library, we generally try library proper. to work some back round information into LIB: I love that book detector. articles. I mean, this guy must have done DW: I would venture to say that most something useful. students hate the book detector. Picture Lffi: Don't believe everything you read. yourself as a student stumbling out of Skanky Orange Couch DW: Of course, moving right along, Mr. library after an afternoon of mind numbing Library how did ... research. The only thing you can think of is Staff's Favorite Seat Finally Speaks Its Mind Lffi: I resent being referred to as male. how happy are to be leaving. Suddenly, the DW: Isn't Albin a guy's name? words "Beep, Beep, do not leave the HAVNO BUITIX Dudley said emotionally. Sports editor Lffi: This is the nineties! Besides, have library; return to the circulation desk Deceiver Ass Manager Pratik Shaw observed "There's no other been "super gender organizations" since immediately" shatter you reverie. So you way to say it. S.O.C. is da bomb." Ben's time. slump back to the circulation desk and spill No single piece of furniture in the "The area under its cushions are like a DW: Ben? out the contents of you knapsack. Here, Deceiver Weekly office has held a more treasure trove," claims Adam Craigmiles, Lffi: Ben Franklin. He started the first you prove that there isn't any stolen book meaningful position than Skanky Orange Managing editor of the staff. I asked lending library in Philadelphia. Don't you in you bag but rather the alarm was set off Couch. Stationed in the Deceiver news Skanky Orange Couch if it felt violated by learn anything? by the barcode on you Blockbuster rental. room, the couch has served numerous and Adam's needs to explore its private area DW: What is classified as "Super gen- Or worse still, the alarm was simply joyrid beneficial purposes. Says Deceiver Staff and Skanky Orange Couch responded der" ing! member Jamie Peck: "Skanky Orange "well, I never mind if Adam's down there. LIB: I'll tell you when you're older, kid. Lib: Beautiful isn't it? That monitor is Couch has been here longer than me ... and But I wish everyone else would ask per DW: I resent being referred to as kid. my very own brainchild. that's a long ass time!" The office would mission." Then, Skanky Orange Couch LIB: Live with it. DW: A little sympathy for the falsely n't be the same without Skanky Orange invited me to take a look. Reluctantly, but DW: Is there any symbolism behind you accused student might be nice. Couch. I met with Skanky Orange Couch for the article, I proceeded. unusual architecture? You are one of the Lib: Do you really think there is any for an interview about its invaluable contri I found two whoopee cushions promot largest buildings. connection between the alarm and the butions to the Deceiver Office. ing the movie Monkeybone. "I didn't put LIB: Seven floors to be exact. book? How incredibly na!ve. "I have held my position here for many those there," Jamie Peck said quickly. "I DW: You seemed to have been designed DW: If you're not trying to catch book years," Skanky Orange Couch informed don't know what you're talking about." rather haphazardly. You main body seems stealer, than why do you have the monitor? me. "I've seen many staff members come Amidst the pencils, paper clips, and stains to be rectangular block from LIB: Oh, it's purely an entertainment and go, and sat in on all the important of long been dried liquids, I found a photo which protrudes a circular, glass-paneled perk for the library staff. meetings. Sometimes, however, I feel graph of a child, petting a bunny. "I'd thing. DW:WHAT!? used ... like people come to me only when heard rumors about that," Features editor LIB: That's the coffee shop where LIB: Tsk, Tsk, what a volatile temper. they need something." Deceiver editor-in Anna Kaplan said. "I believe that you've everyone comes in. Turn the tables and imagine yourself as a chief Jenn Schildroth reluctantly admitted: found Skanky Orange Couch's inner DW: But is there any symbolism to this? library staff person. Every day you spend "Sure I sleep on it. What else is it good child." LIB: Ummm .... we wanted a lot of win- eight boring hours listening to moronic stu for? It's a f*cking couch!" News editor dents whine about how they can't find the Scott Daugherty contributed: "I know what reserve readings. else it's good for." DW: Your point? "I just want to be appreciated!" Skanky LIB: Well, it's only fair that you have Orange Couch explained. "No one ever some entertainment. So when you see a talks to me or asks permission, they just particularly exasperated student, you pull plop their sorry asses down on my pillows. the alarm and watch them frazzle. Let me tell you, I have seen a LOT of ass DW: This sounds slightly sadistic. in my time here. A lot. And none of it was LIB: Sometimes we take bets about pretty." which students are going to snap first. Skanky Orange Couch found its way DW: I thought libraries were supposed into the Deciever Office because it had to be safe places that foster a warm envi been dumped outside the back door. ronment. Skanky Orange Couch painfully recounts Lffi: Welcome to the real world, honey. the day: "I had been in this awful place. It But speaking of warm, it can get pretty hot was really bad for me, and I needed to get on some of those couches upstairs. out. The guy I was living with ... he was DW: I always wondered why you had so very abusive. He let his pets sit on me and many secluded couches on the upper levels. the dog ... this is really hard for me ... the Lffi: Get it on! dog used to pee on me." Apparently, ·when DW: That reminds me, what is up with the dog's owner learned this secret, he put that Stonehenge-like rock formation in Skanky Orange Couch on the roof of his back of you? Volvo station wagon and dumped him off LIB: Trust me, you don't want to know. here, at UMBC. From then on, Skanky DW: No, seriously tell me. Orange Couch has been a pillar of stability LIB: Well, it has something to do with in the Deceiver chronicles. Photos Pulled Out of My Ass the Honors College and the "Rocky Horror "Skanky Orange Couch has changed Some Fun Things I Found In the Office: This is a drawer in the office. It has a Picture Show." my life," Assistant Sports editor Brandon lot of papers in it, some with writing on them. There is a lot of interesting stuff here. DW: I take that back: don't tell. April 1, 2001 THE DECEIVER WEEKLY WORLD NEWS • Random Crap PAGE 2~ Lonely Trees of UMBC His Name Was Melvin Tree Art By Fine Arts Finally Admits Truth Memorial Boulder Subject of Experiments we are a conscious representation of the GANZO MONTOYA desolation of the future in a post-apocalyp ROSWELL MCCARTHY_ countless little grimy children that clim Deceiver Art Extra-ord-din-are tic setting while the leaves over there think Deciever Girl With Hat all over me that, "it's boring here," an we were just the last minute idea of a grad that they "want to go home and have Birds are singing their annual tune of uate art student preparing her thesis. We You would notice this boulder out of cookie." Drawing from these exper celebration as the days lengthen, grass don't really know. the corner of your eye if you were walk ences, I would like to state as well that greens and the jagged horizon of barren DW: What do you do in your spare ing down the academic corridor, not is boring here, and that I am in need of forest begins to bud with ripe greenery. In time? thinking of anything in particular, and "cookie." fact, all the trees are showing the same T: Art is a full time job. maybe humming a song about something DW: You're a rock. You don't e 1 promise of spring. All except a select few. DW: Well, what are your interests? to eat. You would see it there, on the left cookies. The three trees of twisted rust will never T: We don't know, but there's a lot of hand side, sitting patiently in the lotus B: A small teclmicality, of cours ~:· blossom. Even figuratively, what once was bird shit around here. position [or as close as one can get to the Next question please. ripe in the art world, the reworking of metal DW: Describe one of your better days. lotus position it you are a rock] with a DW: Umm .... [Reporter flips though into a small but desolate landscape, is now T: The other day a janitor scraped some small tree creating the perfect area for pages of notebook, mostly filled with cir but a barren twig of yesterday's art. These ·gum off a branch. He smelled like cherries. rest and relaxation. cles, triangles, and the occasional squig three broken trees, standing sentry between DW: How does your obvious display of But this is not a spot for resting, no! It gly line.] How does it feel to be a rock? the Fine Arts and Computer broken limbs affect you? is the seat of the memorial boulder, pillar B: What an asinine question. It feels Science/Engineering buildings, know T: We don't like to talk about it ... let's of strength for the biological sciences. It quite fine. What could I say? something about pain. In a brief interview, just say that it happens to post-modern art bears the name of Dr. Martin Schwartz, DW: Good point. What do you think they discuss their state of being. all the time. who was a guy deserving of a plaque. of the other rocks around here? Are they Deceiver Weekly: How are you guys DW: Do you all get along? There the mighty boulder sits, proudly friendly? Can you play ball with them? doing? T: Yes and no. We have our days. displaying the name for all to see. The B: Madam, again, I am a r9ck and I do Trees: Oh, not too good. Sometimes the trunk gets annoying ... plaque gets most of the attention, but not play ball. These rocks sitting around DW: Tell me, why are you here? always obsessing about past lives ... "Oh, I today the boulder itself is in the spotlight. me are actually rejects from the lab. T: We're not quite sure. Why is anyone used to be a car, I used to go places and Deceiver Weekly: Hello Memorial DW: Expound, per favore. here? It's the existential question that will freshmen didn't pee on me." But most of Boulder! What tales can you tell us? B: I was actually created in a labora plague us until the ends of time? the time we get along. We have a job to do What yarns can you weave today? Sing tory in the Biological Sciences building. I · DW: Any reason why the campus decid and we do it. It's that simple. us a song, mayhap? was the subject of a formerly classified ed to put you hunks of rust here? And why DW: How do you respond to the popu Boulder: What? experiment to create a synthetic material barren trees? lar opinion that, as art, you suck. DW: You know, sing us a song, like that would look and act as a "normal" T: Well, the stump over there believes T: This interview is over. "lah dee dah dah ... ?" stone would. Little B: Madam, I do does the world believe you are It's terribly boring [at know, there is a intoxicated. UMBC] ... I've heard from shortage of good Those Hippie UC Steps DW:No. minerals, which is [Long silence. A countless little grimy chil causing the current ROSWELL MCCARTHY love and acceptance of everything," she squirrel scatters by, dren that climb all over me economic slump in Deceiver Dead Whore Body was quick to add. Besides, like the old looking for a bit of that, "it's boring here," and many G7 countries. Yiddish proverb says, 'If your grandmother trash with which to To date, I am the "Smokers, jokers, mid-afternoon takers, had a beard, she'd be your grandfather... " build his home.] that they "want to go home only successfully rollers, hitters, snorters, shooters, drinkers, I gave her a funny look. B: Why are you and have a cookie." created synthetic and all their friends are welcome here! As "What? It's true. But gender isn't here, exactly? And if Drawing from these experi rock on the earth. I is everyone! All peoples, come and rejoice important anyway... Now was there any I were in your posi was given the honor in the sunlight! Feel the power of the earth! thing else you had to ask, child of the tion, I wouldn't sit ences, I would like to state of being selected to Warm yourselves on my steps and join as a earth?" on that spot. as well that it is boring display this plaque, community!" The infamous UC Steps pro I asked her opinion on the physical DW: This spot? as "Dr. Schwartz" claimed, when asked about the kind of peo UMBC campus. She sighed. "This place Why? here, and that I am in need was the pseudonym ple who frequent her location. looks like a prison. It's not at all conducive B: There is a long of a "cookie." given to the genuis "I love the UMBC diversity; I wish to an educational or inspiring environment. and unfortunate tale who birthed me. there were more of it. I see tons of people Too much wood and air. Not enough metal, that would be too Little Rock on gather around me each day, sometimes fire or water. Very bad ch'i flow. horrifying for your virgin ears. So I beg the Right: Aw, shut yer hole! even in the rain. I think this is fostering a Everything is red brick. . . it's so drab. you, trust me on this point. DW: What? great sense of togetherness and unity.-Who Thankfully, there are grassroots efforts to [DW reporter moves to a better spot] LR: He's always coming off with that knows? These kids may, in the future, take color ·the c~pus. For instance, if you DW: Now, on with the interview. First holier-than-thou, "I was created in· a lab over the world and make it a better place. check up on my left side, -there are color things first, I need your name, year and oratory" bullshit. He's my crazy brother, Like in that Michael Jackson song." drawings done by student artists. May the major. always thinking he's better than he is. Remembering fondly the 60s, UC Steps, earth bless the grass roots; if it weren't for B: [Gives the reporter a funny look B: Hush, sister. The press has no use who laughs at her colloquial title "hippie them, nothing would ever get done." boulder style] I am a rock, a boulder to be for you. This is my interview. steps," was overjoyed to hear that someone What would she change about UMBC, precise .. My official title is "The Dr. LR: Cut the crap, Melvin. was interested in her view of the UMBC if given the chance? The answer is long. Martin Schwartz Memorial Boulder," but DW: Melvin? Your name is Melvin? campus. A legendary place of social gather "First, there would be no school on often I am termed "that rock" or "that B: Technically, yes, but it is an unim- ings, she has seen the changes in the UC rainy days, Mondays, Fridays, really nice stone," which is highly inappropriate. portant detail. community as well as becoming close with days, or during the summer and winter. Such a distinguished collection of ele LR: It's better than Bertha. Anyway, the UC rats, those kids who never leave the Classes would be forty minutes long, and ments such as myself should have a prop we're all from a quarry down in Alabama, corner near the radio station. take place outside. People would search for er title. but Melvin here got a big head when he "I love those kids, with their funny enlightenment and study interesting things, DW: I'm sorry, Mr. Rock. What was picked to have that hunk of ugly jokes about Danzig impersonators and oral like trees. There would also be more trees, should I call you then? metal . attached. He's been trying to sex. Sure, they're a strange bunch with and only one building. And in the evenings, B: How abo11t In Honor Of. That has a escape his redneck past ever since. some wacky ideas, but they make my day," all the students would come to me to like nice majestic ring to it. B: Stop! Liar! Traitor! Always ruining she says, laughing. "But they're only a bonfires and sing folk songs." Steps wipes DW: Very good. Now, IHO- my chances at stardom! All of this is off small, albeit" important group, of my chil a tear from her [non-existent] eye. B: Excuse me? Did you just refer to the record! dren. Each part of me hosts a different "Now kids get in trouble for graffiti and yourself as, ahem, a common prostitute? DW: Ye.s, of course. group, and they're all wonderful human setting fires. What kind of world are we DW: No, I was shortening your name [Melvin was reduced to sobs at his beings deserving of respect and a nice creating here? This is not in accordance to its first letters. undoing and the discovery of his true ori place to sit. I just wish they wouldn't leave with the Way!" she cries. "I'm sorry, I'm B: So you were referring to me as a gin, an emotional state that was not so much trash around. It's not very ecolog getting carried away, but this really hits me whore? helped by the reporter's incessant singing ically conscious," Steps continued with a right here. Well, everywhere, actually. DW: Oh stop it! On to the interview. of "Sweet Home Alabama." Small cracks sigh. Excuse me, I think I'm going to need to How do you like UMBC? have since appeared on the surface of the She doesn't mean to be preachy, howev meditate for a bit. But before I go, I have B: Well, it's terribly boring. I'm not boulder, and there is talk of removing er. "Whatever you do, it's alright. Just have some final advice for students. Beware the - just saying that because I'm a boulder, him from his station. Students are good intentions and don't hurt anyone, squirrels. They know things. I will only say which most persons assume to have a encouraged to continue singing Lynyrd that's what I mean. This is all about peace, more word about it ... REVOLUTION!" very sheltered life. I've heard from Skynyrd whist walking to the UC.] PAGE 22 THE DECEIVER WEEKLY WORLD NEWS • Fluff April 1, 2001 NEW DIGITAL TECHNOLOGY Don't Buy Auburn Virus Will Infect Your Groin! American! Auburn Virus IY.· Wanda's Ruin vial of the Auburn virus. Oh that's what DICK STROKER 3.5 erections (out of four) he wants! Deceiver Chronic Masturbator Very, very hot. Director Hung Lo Wanda Ruins orgasms as a result knows just what we want and delivers of Ripp and John's machismo, as Ripp As an obsessively avid patron of hard his load into this 94-minute masterpiece. continues to thrust harder into her nether core adult entertainment, I have worn of meta-porn. Discovery channel pene regions with reckless abandon and nefar down the skin on one certain bodily feature tration has never been shown like this. ious intent, and Mr. Yogurt can no longer and bulked up and fatigued the muscles in Using time lapse photography, Lo control his ardor, drawing a pentagram my right forearm. I have seen do~ens upon depicts several scenes of breathtaking of his cultured love cream upon her face. dozens of XXX-rated videos since I was inter-vaginal sex with style that could be What control! Mr. Yogurt is a master at old enough to rent them from my local compared to the blue-white hued cine his craft and will surely win a best new smut hut. I therefore feel myself qualified matography of last year's Oscar nomi cummer award at this years' AVN festi to recommend the finer productions the nated sleeper hit, The Insider. val for not only his highly aesthetic way industry has to offer. So sit down in front of I just want to know how he gets the of blowing a load, but his art direction in the tube, pop one of my recommendations dripping vaginal folds of Kiki Bangkok several of Hung Lo's movies this year. into the VCR, unzip, get out the baby oil to fade into a likeness of the Fort But here's the twist: After Ripp pulls out and feel that sweet friction work itself over McHenry Tunnel! I felt like I was driv and ruins the absolutely symmetrical your loins. ing John Doughgod's Lexus through the faCial with his own abstract bluish jism, For truly perverted fare, none can rain and hard into Kiki's body, as scenes John Doughgod pulls a paper out of an match the Gonzo genre put out by the cut from hardcore penetration all the envelope and starts to cry. What an American companies Evil Angel and way t~ the toll booth, wherein the car emoter! But why is he crying? Seymour Butts. '!he term "Gonzo" refers swerves into a side lane and he pulls out Cut to Joel Bangman getting out of to the spontaneous quality and rougher in a reverse shot, unloading his creamy the Lexus with his hands up, smirking in production values due to the fact that the cargo upon her white breasts. But that's confession that both he and the hitman cameraman converses with the porn actors not the end to our fun. Cut to the 46- have the auburn virus. Jeffries confesses and actresses and occasionally gets in on minute mark where it appears that a big that they both got the deadly disease the action. This is in marked contrast to the black van is following that tan Lexus! from banging a red haired chick at a feature porn films produced by other Busty temptress of a red-head, Wanda party late last year. At this point, the men American studios that contrive a plot to get Sin City Entertainment Ruins, always one of my favorites, is Way to Go, Team! Ripp Torn and Wanda Ruins are in a corner crying while Wanda the porn stars into bed. A single scene can beautifully shot in multiple angles and in a sizzling scene from Auburn Virus IV. Ruins continues to get herself off on the take all day to shoot, necessitating the electric blue hues as she plays Chinese floor, and starts to cry as she climaxes. studs to get stiff several times in order to handcuffs with two of the hottest male into a shot of the van losing coritrol and Despite the depressing message of shoot a different angle. With Gonzo, there actors in the industry- the 10-incher Ripp crashing right into the Lexus, sending the mvI AIDS as a consequence and peril of is no plot or other unnecessary distractions Torn attending to her back, while the best two vehicles careening into an embankment working in the skin biz, and the critical to get in the way of balls-to-the-wall sex. new facialer in the business, Mr. Yogurt, below. John Doughgod appears, and starts a analysis of the potential dangers of keeping There is no director telling the talent to get thrusts his long wand into Wanda's tantaliz fight with Ripp Torn, urging him to pull out secrets from co~workers who share bodily into any particular positions, just a camera ing mouth. of Wanda, which intercuts to parallel scenes fluids with one another, director Hung Lo man recording all the contorted flesh slap Then the hard, wet black van is speeding scientist Dr. Bill Jeffries (played by porno manages to deliver hot sex, audience ping and sticky orifices. in pursuit as the Lexus's transmission goes leading-man Jake Doomehada), as he sits orgasms and a bottle of extra caution: don't For some reason, the big thing now is out. What could the man in the van want? disoriented in the Lexus. The hitman, Paulo have sex with this red head- Wanda's Ruin rough anal sex followed by a display of the Meanwhile Wanda Ruins is getting the ride Thomas, played by Don S. Shaved, runs up is not only that dynamite ass which makes girl's astonishingly dilated, gaping rectum. of her life, and Mr. Yogurt tries to hold it in to the window and presses a 9 mm against us explode, but always in the blood as well. as long as he can, before the camera fades the temple, demanding that he hand over the -Latrine James see PORN, page 24
REVIEWS OF MOVIES THAT WILL FILM POOPING INEVER EXIST BY DAN ABHOR- eBay! duction number "Gut You From Groin to of Randy Ralph's Ho Ring ** out of four Sternum," performed by Jack (former Conan to suffer terribly. Jude Law This tense tale of technology-gone-awry sidekick Andy Richter) and sundry mutilated is mesmerizing as the hero takes off when a meek accountant (former body parts, is a funny tour de force of imagina ic rebel of the title, a stal New Kid on the Block Joey Mcintyre) pur tion and color. wart john who smuggles his chases a Cuisinart from the online auction clientele to disease-free supersite eBay. But the kitchen tool, cursed Retractable Penises of the Animal Kingdom Jersey, where they are free by its voodoo-priest former owner, is secret **lh to copulate to their hearts' ly an evil killing machine (voiced by It may have won the Oscar for Best content. The timeless moral Marilyn Manson, who also contributes Documentary, but Retractable Penises of the - that one man really can "Machina Satanica," the movie's theme Animal Kingdom is fairly standard, sort of like a make a difference - is ren song) determined to take over the world naughty National Geographic special that some dered with assured bril Touchbone Pictures while turning out really good tomato sauce. how wound up on the big screen. The point of liance by Von Trier. Friends? Susan Sarandon and Russell Crowe brave Lots of nail-biting confrontations between the film is moot, really; I mean, hello, aren't all Handsome production. the elements in the big-screen Survivor. Mcintire and the Cuisinart, but the movie is penises retractable? Yet that doesn't mean you sunk by Ivan Reitman's standard direction don't get plenty of hot animal-on-animal action Survivor: Sweaty People Laying and the blah performance by Jewel as in the 95 minutes this movie takes to unwind. Bigger, Longer & Uncut on the Floor in Their Underwear Mcintyre's exotic-dancer girlfriend. It's pretty cool if you're into bestiality. Look out *** ***liz for the elephant mating scene - dude is Everybody's favorite reality show goes This four-year anniversary director's cut Gentleman Jack equipped! It looks like Danny DeVito hanging Hollywood as 16 movie stars - unemployed of one of 1997's scariest movies adds a whop *** between his legs! But you feel a bit sad for the because of the strike and desperate for an income ping 50 minutes of extra footage deemed too Walt Disney's 69th animated musical is a mini-dicked squirrels. Narrated by Sean - are stranded in Antarctica, split into competing shocking to show you in the original release. lively re-enactment of Jack the Ripper's vio Connery and Julie Andrews. sects (the Twinkie and Ramalamadingdong Underwear doesn't really have a plot, but that lent killing spree in late 19th-century tribes) and forced to face the elements while vot doesn't make it any less terrifying, as a non London, told through the eyes of Mary Jane The Scarlet Pimp ing each other off one-by-one. If you like the tel stop cavalcade of perspiring, skivvy-clad Kelly (voiced by Sandra Bullock), the **** evision series, you '11 have a lot of fun rooting for actors are shown in various sprawled-out plucky prostitute who became his fifth A beautiful contemporary remake of and hissing at these celebrity castaways. No fair poses. The genius of the film is that all the known victim. It sounds drab, but there's Baroness Orczy's literary landmark by director telling who the big winner is, but some priceless performers involved aren't the kind of hard plenty of whimsical comic relief on behalf of Lars Von Trier. This version replaces the origi moments include: Russell Crowe threatening to bodied matinee idols you'd want to see in said Lancelot (David Spade), Jack's trusty, wise nal's setting- 1792 France, during the Reign of beat Susan Sarandon for overcooking the rice; positions: Roseanne, Mickey Rooney, Burt cracking scalpel. The film follows Disney's Terror, when aristocrats were under constant Ed Harris going native as he prowls through the Reynolds, Louie Anderson and Barbara standard formula, save for the grisly, if threat of getting their heads chopped off for trai tundra on a hunt for polar bear meat; and the Walters, making a memorable cinematic inevitable, ending, but there's scads of origi torous movements against the Republican cause loveably crusty Anthony Hopkins bonding with debut. The creepiest additional scene involves nality in the songs, penned by Wesley Willis - with a backdrop of 200 1 Manhattan, where a Rupert Everett, but "not in a homosexual way, Dam Deluise, Marlon Branda, margarine and and Tori Amos. In particular, the wacky pro- massive herpes outbreak is causing the patrons that's for sure." 20 lbs. of cooking lard. PAGE 23 THE DECEIVER WEEKLY WORLD NEWS • Fluff April 1, 2001 persiflage by joanna smith nce upon a time, there was a gfd ·· they need the trees exactly, and I don't named Erica. One· time, in know why they need to ije in wait Ohonor ofApril FoorsDay. Erica before .stealing sa%d arborial beauties. handed the reins .of her weekly newspa,7 B.ut I do know thiS-a campus full .of per column to her older sister Joanri~ Jerry I..ewises would be pretty scary. so whose mind works ill much the same I hope they wait to.do all t:hi$ Until after way bttt has si~ficantly Jess wt}ting I gtadt!~~~ experience. ·That would l,le /~. ·If·y()li >.. have .any questions in tbefilc~.Iwon't WJUltwill they think. ofnext? __; be answering them, but please send Eriea · .~· ·tli¥111 Erica's way at estitithJO®i!· ; Nqr'being abl~~o~ee into~e future, wiib~:- edu. You'D,. be ·glad ypii did. Or4 ~ ; . ] cari~t . ~ay for certain, .bat I tb.irik that ',, ·. the very least/YOU won,tbesorcy. Well, most li.kely it will be something silly. ' not very sorry. Any regrets. yon do hav~ .·. . Somethihg along tp.e lines ofthe Parrot ... ~ be your o~n fault, ~~ nothing t~ ) Sket~l;i~ ~be Mini~try of Silly ~alks~ ~~ do with Erica, I:can guarrll.ltee that: Um .• .Fish S,!apphlg .qa1!9e .or one ~f my per- ... •. . perhaps "guarantee".. is ~ strong a, sonal •· favorites~ .. ;the Cheese Shop word. I can ''assure~~ that. N~w that jus£ Sketch. Of co~~' this is assUming that ~~~gs silly-~ .. ~f\Y~y, ~~.Jhe que~? L .by :·th~y,~· YO'Jl .~~~ ~~~ .,~-loving , ; iicins; ;all · submitf~ by myo:~~iyown.~~k ······· gqyitnar~e ,~~ :~~~ PJJ¥!!1~:'.No~ .. ~ ter ·and your vecy own ~loved ColUni,.~ ', that I!~~k abou~.it, .. that's pmlla1jly not nistyCrispin Glover. By · I ~~ :_. whaf ' , ·· I just •ot.£9'urse,,prica.,
The Deceiver's production Overlord needs serfs, peons, minions and toadies to flatter him incessantly and to fulfill his every capricious whim. If indentured servitude is ·what you're after, give up your freedom and slave away for us!!
,,IIUC SEGEitSON ESEGEAI®UMBC.EDU WWW.ARAIYE. T0/117
YOU'RE NOT GOING TO TELL HIN YOU SPECIALLY MAD£ THAT NEWSPAP£ \
··':. 3/2?
+- April 1, 2001 THE DECEIVER WEEKLY WORLD NEWS • Fluff PAGE 24 bore-o-scopes! Aries (March 21-April 20): Red is never too early to see a doctor! your power color today-wear it and expect results. Financial outlook is Libra (Sept. 24-0ct. 23): If asked to reetings, Vermin. So, you have think it hasn't effected me, parading weak; hold off on investing, focus make a charitable donation today, be dragged your pimply backsides myself like a naked circus monkey with instead on long-term gains. generous-good things could come Gover to this comer of the period witty jokes for you every week? This your way. Sagittarius involved. ical. You have come, no doubt, to find body has scars, my dear enemies, and Taurus (April 21-May 21): Marital the usual mindless tripe provided in this they have your names on them, status highlighted, could involve trav Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 22): Prepare column. Some immoral drudgery con engraved deep in my virginal journalis el. Cancer, Leo, another Taurus yourself for career troubles. Other cerning excrement or dildos, if you're tic flesh. involved, could have initials J, L. options are out there if you know lucky. Well, I've got some news for you. You may have looked curiously upon where to look. This column has had its fill of your glut the column this week, seeing that it Gemini (May 22-June 21): Long-dis tonous readership. It's no longer willing lacked its usual bulk of 800-1000 words tance communication could mean big Sagittarius (Nov. 23-Dec. 21): to whore itself out to you beggars every that I siphoned out of my very veins for windfall. Honesty very important, be Overseas correspondence brings tid week, entertaining your filthy whims you in the past. Well, this is only the straightforward. Communicate! ings of joy. Celebrate! with meaningless factoids and tales of beginning of the onslaught. This city of squalor. It's a brave new world out there, sweat and tears that you have built upon Cancer (June 22-July 23): A family Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 20): Found my little minions, and it may just bite the backs of slaving columnists is com situation causes strife; look to unex item could belong to someone very you on your bloated, pus-filled rears if ing down, brick by brick. You may not pected friends, coworkers for support. special; return it promptly. New you don't watch out. notice it at frrst, but one day, when you Lucky number is 34. romance? It's easy for you, lazing through this least expect it, the hammer of justice newspaper with your greasy, sausage will come down upon your empty heads, Leo (July 24-Aug. 23): Big surprises Aquarius (Jan. 21-Feb. 19): Don't like fingers, to forget how columnists and I will be there to fell the fmal blow today, could involve relationship, take the blame; focus instead on con like myself bend over and take it up the upon this hovel of pestilence. finance, possible change of residence. structive ways of rectifying difficult wazoo for unappreciative scum like you. These four walls were once named Talk to Capricorn, Libra. situation. Mysterious benefactor, ini How we endure unholy tortures that most The Curio Shoppe, and within them tials R, C. men would only believe occur in night injustice and slavery reigned King and Virgo (Aug. 24-Sept. 23): Pay special mares. And not just any nightmares. Queen. With these words, I hereby attention to health concerns today. Pisces (Feb. 20-Mar. 20): Can't Those nightmares where you wake up rename this column The Furio Shoppe, Watch diet carefully, avoid stress- believe you've read this far! Ha ha ha. screaming, drenched in your own cold The Spirit of the Revolution! Where sweat. And all this while you louts use only citizens of freedom rule, and where our blood-wrenched work for umbrellas, enemies of liberty will come to a bloody to wipe your snotty noses, and to dispose end by the angry sword of the of your illegal chewing gum in. But you oppressed! The Revolution is upon you, won't get away with it. You can only villains! And until it tastes the bitterness oppress mankind for so long before they of your flesh, it will stop at nothing! rear their mighty heads and fight back. Revenge is sweet, and it will be mine. And when that happens, I will be there to You'll see. watch as you roast over the fire which You'll see. your crimes have wrought. Do not try and claim innocence, you DISCLAIMER: To purchase your own beef-witted klingons. I can see right "Hammer of Justice" or "Angry Sword 1 through your twisted little games. You of the Oppressed," visit your local Wal think it's easy, despairing through the Mart and locate these items with the ·torrid alleys of the Internet, scouring the handguns and semi-automatic rifles, grime to find a tidbit of information that right next to the toy aisle. (Only appli you jackals might find amusing? You cable in the US.) We Like It! We Love It! We Want Some Mo' of It! from PORN, page 22 Recently, the most popular European star lets have hailed from Hungary or the Double penetrations, in which a woman Czech Republic. Hedonism is apparently gets it simultaneously in her vagina and very much alive on the continent, because anus, are also all the rage. If it's raunch one would scarcely imagine the wanton you''re after, buy American. acts these beauties will perform. They are Just keep in mind that these are mealy every bit as uninhibited as their American mouthed American girls that have a lot of counterparts, but the production values miles and look it. Often veterans of the rival that of any mainstream Hollywood showgirl or stripper circuit, these women feature film. And there is the added benefit are pumped full of silicone and behave as if of listening to the porn stars moan pillow they have imbibed generous quantities of talk in French-"Oui, oui ... c'est bon, booze. c'estBON!" For more refined porn, tum to the Not only that, but Private goes to scenic European companies. Private is the world's locales all over the world. I have seen largest porn production company. It has movies shot in Kruger Park, South Africa, produced hardcore magazines since 1965 the slopes of Chamonix and even Bora and in the last 15 years branched out into Bora. Private will spend 20 hours shooting film features. The European talent that a scene that would typically take only four works for Private is top notch. These girls in the States. You can best satisfy your urge could really be mainstream models- they with Old World high-quality Europom. all have beautiful faces and almost always The extra effort results in more stroking possess natural, silicone-free bodies. pleasure, just believe you me. Visit cyberswimsuits.com. They really suck. PAGE 25 THE DECEIVER WEEKLY WORLD NEWS • Fluff April 1, 2001
Until Hell Freezes Over Exciting things are happening right Nothing now! Unfortunately, they are not There is nothing to do in this damn happening anywhere near you. They school. There is nothing to do in this are far, far away, in a magical land damn city. There is nothing to do in where nothing bad ever happens-a this damn state. There is nothing to do magical land the entrance to which is in this damn country. There is nothing blocked to the likes of you. Forever to do in this damn hemisphere. There and ever. Once again, you have to do is nothing to do on this damn planet. nothing. Nothing, nothing and more There is nothing to do in this damn of nothing. But somewhere, someone galaxy. Seize the day-d0 absolutely is having fun. nothing. Today Yesterday Click Everything Good news-you no longer have to Exciting things happened yesterday. do nothing! There are lots of exciting Oh, they were so wonderful that there things happpening! You can watch aren't enough words in the English paint dry! You can wonder about language to describe them. And you aimlessly! You can get really high missed them. Now you have to do and stare into space! You can play nothing. But yesterday was wonder Snood on your computer until you ful. Don't you wish you were dead see double! You can watch televi now? sion! You can procrastinate! You can even procrastinate on doing nothing! Right Now, But Far Away Aren't you happy now? -Queen of More of Everything Nothing _
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P0-13...... PAIIEN1'SITIIOMI.YCAU110ftED- .._...... ~~~~. Saull CRII1I Rlllllllll Dllllgul Aid Sallll.lniiiiiiL • -TWBITIET14CBIIIIIIYFIIX www.someonelikeyoumovie.com march 30 only in theatres Come to Tile Retriever WeekiJ' s FunFest on the uc Plaza during tree hour on Weilnesdav 3/28 to win a pass (good tor twol to aspecial advance screening. Passes and prizes are available while supplies last. No purchase necessarv. limit one per person. Emplovees or 20th Centurv Fox, TIIB RBtriBJIBt WBBkiV and UMBC are not eli Dible. I I April 1, 2001 PAGE 27
Quidditch: The New Sports Craze at UMBC Harry Potter's Favorite Game Spreads Like Magic Across United States
SABRINA SPELLMAN through one of the three circular Dawgs do Quidditch: Deceiver Staff Drama Queen goalposts placed on each side of Quidditch, blah, blah, blah, the playing field. These are blah, blah blah blah Hogwarts Since UMBC has little to no guarded by the Keeper, or goalie, blah, blah, blah, blah, quaffle, hope of ever starting a campus of the team. The Beaters are blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, football team, the students and armed with wooden clubs with blah, blah, Harry Potter, blah, faculty felt the need for some which to hit the Bludgers, small blah, blah, blah, blah, broom, thing new in the sports depart er, black balls, at the players of blah, blah, blah, blah, sport, ment. And since UMBC has the opposing team. Sure, it blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, never been one to conform to the sounds dangerous but well, I blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, norms of university society, this guess it is dangerous. Anyway, J.K. Rawling, blah, blah, blah, campus has decided to make the final and perhaps most impor blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, Quidditch its game of choice. tant player is the Seeker, Harry blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, You may ask, "What in the Potter's signature position. The blah, flying, blah, blah, bJah, blazes is 'Quidditch' ?"' Made Seeker's job is to attempt to cap blah, blah, under-age sex popular by the new famous fic ture the elusive Golden Snitch, a scandal, blah, blah, blah, blah, tional character Harry Potter, tiny golden ball equipped with blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, Quidditch is a game akin to soc silver wings that zooms through blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, cer in its style, except for some the air at high speeds. Where nor blah, seeker, blah, blah, blah, well, different twists. Unlike mal goals made by the Chasers blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, many other sports in this country, win their team 10 points each, the blah, keeper, blah, blah, blah, Quidditch is played in midair. To capture of the Golden Snitch blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, be specific, 10-120 feet in the air, awards that team with a whop blah, blah, UMBC, blah, blah, on broomsticks. Not just any ping 150 points and ends the blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, broomstick, though, but special game. Historically, the team blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, patented flying broomsticks used which holds the Golden Snitch is blah, blah, blah, blah, Golden only by Quidditch garners. Some the winning one, making the Snitch, blah, blah, blah, blah, of the booms currently available Seeker most teams' MVP. blah, magic, blah, blah, blah, include the Cleansweep 7 series, To commemorate the addition blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, the Nimbus 2000s, and if you're of Quidditich to UMBC's h:mg blah, blah, blah, blah, sorcer really lucky, the Firebolt, the line of sports endeavors, the staff er's stone, blah, blah, blah, newest, fastest broom on the mar has set up the proper playing field blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, ket. in the UMBC stadium. Many blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, The rules of the game are sim excited students have purchased blah, blah, blah, blah. ple. Well sorta. There are seven their own broomsticks, as well as Ass From Which Photos Are Pulled airborne players to a team: three an official team robe worn during ing off the Patapsco patio. To the roof of the Administration in the new RAC this Friday at Chasers, two Beaters, a Keeper gameplay. Unfortunately, some join in the celebration, President building, and performing an air noon. Please bring your broom, and a Seeker. The Chasers are students purchased normal Freeman Hrabowski has agreed show above the UC Plaza for the robe and some kneepads, as well concerned with the Quaffle, a red, household brooms instead of to mount his own personal students. as some Neosporin in case soccer-sized ball that is meant to magical ones, and ended · up Firebolt Executive Edition Tryouts for the UMBC someone gets transfigured into a score goals by being thrown facedown in the mud after leap- Broom and launch himself off of Quidditch team will take place frog. Unsung Cheer-os Have Hopes for National Title
HAVENO BUITIX to make the whole room feel been seen at nearly every recent looked retarded." UMBC mother, designs the squad's Deceiver Staff Ass Ma1Ulger good." UMBC sporting and non English professor Chris Corbett costumes. "I usually get my Last weekend, the Spirit sporting event. A freshman on seems puzzled by the team. inspiration at work," the full Many of UMBC's athletic Retrievers (as they are called) the basketball team remem "I've never had anybody cheer time mom, part-time exotic teams receive praise and sup competed at Maryland's State bered: "my first game here, I one of my lectures before, but dancer explained. "Lots of port from school administra College Men's Cheerleading just thought they were some you don't go to the zoo to screw sequins!" UMBC athletic fan tion, alumnae, and students. Competition at Ms. Judy's really enthusiastic fans, you the animals." J.J. Linton said, "I don't under Even the chess team was School of Dance in Arbutus. know? But after awhile when Harry Feeler, a sophomore stand why they gotta wear awarded recognition on the It was there that the Spirit they just kept coming, I real on the squad, explains the spandex. I almost puked at the Today Show. One ~earn, howev Retrievers beat the other three ized that these guys were really Spirit Retrievers' frequent last game. I mean, come on." er, has been ignored and over teams entered in the competi f*&#ed up." A member of the appearances at university Spandex or no spandex, the looked for too long. Now, on tion and won the state title. "We chess team, who was recruited events: "We know how it feels squad is on its way to the the road to the national champi cheered our hardest," Scott to UMBC from Russia said, "I to be under-recognized, under national championship. "We'll onships, the UMBC men's Matthews of the Johns Hopkins thought chess matches were appreciated. We don't under win it," Hudson says confi cheerleading squad and its five Hoppers said. "But they just supposed to be quiet, but maybe appreciate anybody here." Last dently. "With grace, with style, peppy members are beginning grooved." it's different in America." week, an impromptu perform and with love. Gotta have love, to draw attention. "We've been The Spirit Retrievers per Others are less happy with the ance occurred in the dining hall and there's a lot of love on this ignored for too long," squad formed their routine to Jennifer Spirit Retrievers' attempts to when the Spirit Retrievers squad." UMBC President captain Bruce Hudson declared. Lopez's song "Waiting for get the crowd up. "That Bruce cheered the guy who makes the Freeman Hrabroski, when "Everyone goes out and watch Tonight" at the competition, a Hudson is a real bitch," deserts at the bakery counter. asked his opinion on the cheer es the basketball games, the routine they plan to use at the Michelle Jabes of the women's "It was SO sporadic and SO ing squad responded, "We're baseball games, the tennis national competition April 15 cheerleading squad recalled. amazing!" Bruce Hudson very proud of our girls and matches. Well what about our in New Orleans, La. "I choreo "One time, we were about to laughed. "I just improvised wish them luck." When team? My feelings were hurt." graphed that song because the perform a routine for a basket we were really happy that it informed that the squad was a . Hudson is a fifth year senior at music speaks to me. We were ball game and he switched the was lemon tart night." "I men's team, Hrabroski excused UMBC; he designed his own waiting for that night waiting tape so that their song played thought it was nice," the bakery himself into the next room, major, motivational dance. "It's to cheer like hell oh, pardon during half time and they came guy remembered. "No one ever where seconds later, hysterical not just about dancing to make my language," recalls Hudson. out and danced instead. We appreciates me enough." laughter was heard. He was not me feel good," he said. "I dance The Spirit Retrievers have looked like idiots, but they just Agatha Hudson, Bruce's available for further comment.
&a April 1, 2001 THEDECEIVER • Balls PAGE 28
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UMBC Continues Success in Human Chess Tournament
LES BEINPIMP Deceiver Staff Sports Guru Gatorade shower while being carried off the field by his players after the match. Last Saturday marked a historical event The Retrievers opened the contest with for UMBC, as the Retrievers continued their traditional handshakes, but that was their success in the grueling sport of chess. the only friendly activity on the afternoon The three consecutive Pan-American as the Dawgs' aggressiveness proved to be Champions proved to be insignificant com instrumental to their success. pared to the first ever "Full Contact" chess UMBC began their strategy by taking national championship held at UMBC out Bishop's pawns on the way to eliminat Stadium. ing the king and queen. ''The beauty of this "Sure those Pan-Am's were great, but I sport isn't the brains of my troops, but the feel like I'm {)n top of the world now. When brawn and just how strong they are," said the band and dance team come out and sup UMBC's head coach. The Retrievers port you on the field, there isn't a better offense pulled off many impressive maneu feeling," said UMBC's Grand Chess vers including the impossible rook-to Master. The 6'3" 135 lbs. senior had no knight chokeslam, which left the door wide problem leading the team in the disman open for the Retrievers to take Bishop's tling of their Bishop College opponents in queen. the finals of the NCAA Tournament. Their next move proved to be the fmal Unlike "real" chess, the athletes have to move as UMBC's knight was able to earn compete each other physically to capture the checkmate after giving the king a "stun pieces on the board. The pieces were ner," knocking him unconscious to begin marked on the turf on UMBC's field. The the Retriever celebration. "I was just team, which pulls of the most maneuvers watching WWF Raw the other day and and techniques captures the spot on the Stone Cold really inspired me today to be board. - the best that I could." said the UMBC The Retriever strategy of sticking their knight. . bigger athletes in their back line offense "I think this win is our biggest yet. Our proved to be genius as the Knights sput school needs to appreciate the hard work tered all day against the bigger and stronger and dedication our athletes put into this UMBC pieces. "I knew that we could just sport," said UMBC's head coach. After the use our size as an advantage and we could contest, UMBC's field was officially Ass From Which Photos Are Pulled run away in the match," said UMBC's head renamed, Sherman's Stadium. Checkmate this Bitch!: UMBC beats the hell out of Bishop College, but nobody coach, who was given the proverbial really cared about it. PAGE 29 THEDECEIVER • Balls April 1, 2001
Athlete of the Week bl Kravin Moorehead Handling Balls for UMBC Some might think that being a ball was just some scary "He wont list of problems. boy for a mid-sized research university guy that had walked leave," says coach Henry's personal life is not all is demeaning. Some might feel that it off from the mental Mike Walberg. "We about balls. He is also an active mem is wrong for a 27-year-old man to han hospital. Then I found have changed the ber of the Rhythm Method Fan Club dle the team balls day in and day out. out he actually locks, we have and never misses a concert. "I love "I think they are crazy," says worked here," says changed the dates, we balls, but I also love Rhythm UMBC ball boy Dave Henry. "Without senior Jay Hampton. have even attempted Method." His favorite member of the the balls, no one could play." "Now I guess it's just to pawn him off on boy band, not surprisingly, is "Sporty Dave Henry began his j~b as the sad." other teams, but no Method." UMBC intramural basketball ball boy Henry's 19 years one will take him. When Sporty Method was recently in 1985 at the tender age of 8. Since of experience make He's good at his job, asked about his biggest fan David then he has handled the balls of the him the most experi but then again, his job Henry, the pop superstar immediately schools' official basketball, baseball enced ball boy on the is usually performed went into convulsions. According to and soccer teams. east coast. He refuses by 12 year old." the band's manager Leland Tyketoiler, "Ball boy is an all-year job," says to leave his duties as He is good at Henry is barred from all contact with Henry. "I wake up at 4 a.m. every day the volunteer ball boy his job! Henry's expe the band after an "incident" occurring to practice getting the balls out, and at UMBC for greener rience has resulted in last month at a concert in Baltimore. then the all important fast retrieval. Its pastures. "Sure, I the shortest time lost No specifics were offered. also necessary for me to pad my under might be able to get during a game due to "I love balls', balls are good," says wear to prevent on-the-job wedgie paid working some ball delays, a problem Henry. "As long as I can, I will work injuries." place else. But I have Photos Pulled From My Ass noted by three colle with UMBC's balls." The players of all of UMBC's a good thing going I Love my Balls: 1Oth year senior giate sporting teams as Henry's tenure at UMBC may be sports have come to respect the work here. I never want to Dave Henry has lots of experience 17th, 15th and 14th nearing its end though. "We are look Henry has done. "I always thought he leave," says Henry. in dealing with people's balls. respectively on their ing into the practicality of a restrain- April 1, 2001 GENUINE ADVERTISEMENTS PAGE 30
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Pick up your summer catalogs on campus TODAY! UMBC Summer Programs ·Catalogs will not be mailed to home addresses, BUT 1000 Hilltop Circle you can check out a complete schedule of classes online Baltimore, Maryland 21250 at www.continuinged.umbc.edu/summer. UMBC.
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Minimum Quali~cations: We are looking for dedicated students who are highly motivated, care about issues that impact commuting students, and want to get involved! For additional information, contact Ramona Arthur, Associate Director UC Commuter Student Services & Off Campus Living Programs at the University Center, Room 207, x2770 pr e-mail [email protected]
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College Life is an adventure ... Enjoy the ride,, PAGE 3 1 GENUINE ADVERTISEMENTS April 1, 2 001 and lnvile vou and aouest to aspecial advance-screeninul
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Classified Classified T II E Club Notices Lost & Found Advertising Display T\ECEIVER UMBC student clubs A free service offered Advertising may make announce to UMBC students, $6 per 30 words UWEEKLY ments only in this faculty and staff. $0.50 per bold word $20 per column inch section. Five lines are Limit 5 lines. $20 for advertise University Center 214 free, each additional Does not include: ments under 20 col 1000 Hilltop Circle line costs $1.50. Personals PERSONALS, LOST umn inches Baltimore, MD 21250 (410) 455-1260 The cost is $1 for a &FOUND, CLUB (410) 455-1265 (FAX) four-line ad and 25 NOTICES or All classified display Mon.-Fri. 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. Thrift Shop cents for each addi- THRIFT SHOP. advertisements A service for current tional line. Ads in all UMBC students pro See separate rate under $30 must viding three free capital letters or schedules on this be prepaid The advertisements on this page lines of advertising including bold lines page for more before insertion in are from actual businesses for any item for safe cost an additional 50 information. The Retriever Weekly. and individuals. under $50. cents.
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Female student to babysit our 19- EXPENSES PAID, PLUS $3,000 www.campusfundraiser.com. month-old in our home. Close to BALLPARK VENDORS COMPENSATION FOR A 2 Chess Club meets every Friday campus, flexible hours, part-time, Sell Outside Pitch magazine WWW.CAMPUSFUNDRAIS WEEK COMMITTMENT. CON afternoon 4-6 p.m. in UC 310 competitive pay. References. before Orioles games at Camden ER.COM FIDENTIALITY AT ALL for informal games, conversa (410) 247-0614 TIMES. CALL FAMILY BUILD Yards. Call (410) 234-8888 Loveable I UMBC Falls to College Park, 12-8, in Beer Pong Tourney I.M.DRUNK ing." rooted history of the sport. Our importance of the sport and the damage in the preseason hurt the Deceiver Staff Bitch The Retrievers seemed unable team is sponsored by Coca-Cola, place of alcohol in bolstering the Dawgs tremendously. Junior Sam to keep up with the Terps, who set the university's only beverage campus community." Adams has also been out much of The UMBC Beer Pong squad the pace in the match. UMBC sponsor. That makes it difficult to The UMBC team will be host the season with chronic spells of lost to College Park's nationally made 17 substitutions, as the truly capitlize in training situa ing intramural tournaments every naseau. ranked team at the Penn State Dawgs slowly watched each tions." night in the UC Gameroom in "It's a harsh sport. Players invitational last Saturday. The member of the team collapse President Freeman Hrabowski coming weeks as preparation for need to keep training. Just drink, loss brings UMBC's record to a under the pressure of the seem has acknow~edged the team's the fmal tournament of the year, drink, and drink some more. You dissapointing 0-10, with only one ingly rock-solid College Park growing popularity-the beer the Annual Coors Championship can never be too prepared," com more competition left in the sea squad. pong squad has the largest roster hosted by reigning champ mented Daniels. son. "A large part of the problem," of any varsity sport-and is cur University of Delaware. Another blow to the team " The loss came as great sur insisted team captain Steven rently working on a bid for corpo The Retrievers have been came when UMBC lost its prime prise," said head coach Jack Miller, "is the fact that UMBC rate sponsorship from the plagued by a series of injuries this Daniels. "The team has spent the doesn't really recognize the Anheuser-Busch Company. "In year. Loss of senior Nathaniel last two weeks in rigorous train- national importance and deep- the past I have overlooked the "Natty" Boh due to sever liver see BEER, page 69 Men's Lacrosse Suffers From Offensive Dysfunction AL WAYS-GETINSUM Retrievers were repeatedly I could do, so I just let it hap Deceiver Staff Gigolo unable to score when opportuni pen. Honestly it didn't feel that ties arose. The Retrievers were bad," said a surprisingly happy The men's lacrosse team did denied by the tight Tiger Kusak. not fare well in last week's defense every time they tried to The Retrievers appeared to encounter with Towson thrust into Towson territory. be finished about two minutes University. The Retrievers were Towson got lucky more often into the first half, before ravaged by the Tigers, who won than the Retrievers in the first Towson had even gotten started. an impressive 69-12 decision. The half. Senior netminder Steve "I was pretty dissapointed with Retrievers offense appeared flac Kusak was practically tied up the whole encounter," said cid the entire game, and the and spanked by the Towson Towson senior Phil Mcrackin. defense was unable to rise to the offense. The Tigers took advan "All we heard was how good occasion. tage of a territory in Kusak's they were and how it was going "We just couldn't concen rear that he left wide open. The to be one of the best games we trate," said head coach Don Tigers repeatedly smacked their would ever have, and then when Zimmerwoman. "This has· never balls right into this territory as it gets down to game time, pret happened to us before. I'm sure Kusak's attempts to deny the ty much nothing happens. We things will be OK soon and we Tigers any action was useless. were all pretty dissapointed." Ass From Which Photos Are Pulled Things got even worse in the can try again. I mean, this kind "I felt like there was nothing I Hang Softly, Carry Little Stick: The Retrievers' impotent of thing happens to lots of could do. I tried to stop it from second half for the Retrievers as offense left them unable to score versus Towson University. teams." happening, but after a. while I thP nff~nse remained impotent During the first half the just gave up. There wasn't much and useless for the rest of the game. Freshman Justin Shith had a very poor performance. Shith never really rose to the occasion the entire night. The UMBC short-sticker never even got close to scoring the entire Fri. March 30 UMBC T.-nament @ Casselman night. "I don't know what hap pened. Normally I perform fine. I think it might just be stress or something." "He was really bad," said Men's Lax Towson sophomore Mike Hardaway. "He was just kinda Sat. March a, .C@Rutgers, 3:30p.m. there and he didn't really do much. I had heard a little about him from some other people that had played him. Actually, I Quidditch kind of expected him to be play bigger in the encounter." About halfway through the Game. Fri. UloiiC Houwai'IB, second half, the Tigers got so 1. ~ .;! I o-.u Jprt~ls- o frustrated with the pathetic Retriever performance that they started scoring on themselves, Full Contact Human Chess which accounted for all 12 of the Retriever goals. "We just got tired of waiting on them to get something up and going, so SharDII Stadium, 3p.m. we figured we might as well Ga:J just do the job ourselves," said Towson head coach Mike Spirit Retrievers (Men's Cheerleading) Ass From Which Photos Are Pulled Blohen. "The boys had to get Hang Hard, Carry Big Stick: Retrievers mascot, True Grit, some sort of satisfaction out of shows one of the younger Retriever fans his real school spirit. this whole miserable experience ~ lat. lllrll,lliillg Hal- 8111111 Bar. 211-m. However, the mascot is currently involved in a child pom scandal. and it was probably better than anything they could have done