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New Plans for Bailout Funds Revealed

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New Plans for Bailout Funds Revealed Volume 4 Issue 15 December 3, 2008 HILLCREST HALL–PWNING THE CT SINCE 2005 Fight of the Day: The Return-ament! Hillcrestaceans, big and small, old and new! Following Severus Snape’s convincing win, The barrel of fun that is the Fight of the Day the FOTD returned once again for the Dy- Tournament is back for its first iteration since namic Duo edition. Various pairings ranging longtime chairman David Choquette retreated from Remus and Romulus to the Captain and to the backwoods of North Carolina. Tennille to Hillcrestaceans Lucy Adams and Ayla Wilk competed in the 65-team tourna- For those of you that don’t know about the ment. Calvin and Hobbes (the mischievous six glory that is the Fight of the Day, a brief his- year old and his tiger pal, not the philoso- tory is in order. phers) emerged victorious, bringing Fezzik and Inigo Montoya to their ends. The inaugural FOTD Tournament was held just one year ago, pitting 65 competitors Now my friends, I give to you the Return- against each other in a series of death ament, the rebirth of the Fight of the Day! The matches. Each match was held in a 50’ by 50’ FOTD Selection Committee will be taking by 50’ cage, with one competitor perishing at nominations for the upcoming tournament. the hands, magical powers, intellect, and ap- Last tournament’s winners posing for their Please leave your nominations on the legal pendages of the other. After sixty-four post-tournament glamour shots. pad outside Room 238. The death matches matches, Chewbacca was crowned the Fight will commence when we return after winter of the Day Champion, defeating Lord Volde- break. mort in the semifinals and taking out William by Vice President Dick Cheney, only to be Wallace to win the tourney. finished of by Leonardo, the Teenage Mutant Who will be the next Fight of the Day Cham- Ninja Turtle. Resident Whistler Ben Beasley, pion? Stay tuned! Fight of the Day II followed shortly after, former Hall Director Erin Rubin and Honors with several Hillcrestaceans in the competi- preceptors Papillon and Thorp also competed. Yeah, Dick Cheney shot Small Ambiguous tion. Small Ambiguous Will made it to the Severus Snape took the title after defeating Will in the face, but finished off the veep by second round after staving off a brutal attack Leonardo in the final match. tromboning him to death. Ha! New Plans for Bailout Funds Revealed Henry Paulson announced earlier The latest plan to originate Paulson described the plan as “foolproof,” this morning that he has moved from Paulson’s offices involves saying: “This new nation will stimulate on to Plan M for the United States spending the remaining $200 commerce in the United States while re- economic bailout. Claiming that million of the dwindling bailout maining completely dependent upon the plans A through K were far too fund to purchase a small Carib- resources produced there. As the population timid, Paulson stressed the need bean island, several miles north grows, so will the demand for the U.S. for an aggressive plan of action. of Jamaica. The island can then goods and services. That’s how economics When asked about Plan L, he be inhabited by some of the works.” simply shook his head and said excess population of the U.S. his offices were still waiting on a (mainly the Jews and econo- When asked whether something like this return phone call from the Nige- mists) and a trade network can had been shown to work in the past, or had rian prince. be established between the new perhaps backfired, causing a revolutionary island nation and the mainland. war and the creation of a new global super- “We anticipate a large amount of capital to be power, Paulson responded, “I’m an econo- released to us, after the $6 million processing This new nation will be established with the mist, not a historian!” fees have been run through the Nigerian lot- understanding that it is to trade with no other tery system,” said Paulson in a press confer- nation but the U.S.; nor is it to produce any of Kathleen Cooperstein promises to buy lots ence last Friday. “In the meantime, we need its own goods which could be produced in of American goods if Henry Paulson will to move forward in our efforts to rejuvenate sufficient quantities by the U.S. pay for her grad school. the American economy.” P a g e 2 A Brief History of Pwnage Do you know Mitch Daniels? You may think However, this was not the case when Virginia you do. Perhaps you have seen him ambling Tech played Duke. Not only is Duke a I-A Glossary: through the hallways of Hillcrest. I remember team in the ACC, but they also have much newb : Someone who is fundamentally the first time I saw Mitch ambling through the more money and have had a football team inferior at something due to no fault hallways. What a newb . (even a successful one!) for longer than Vir- of their own. Like Main Campbell ginia Tech. Duke, described as a singular at volleyball. entity, is a noob (not to be confused with noob : Someone who is horrible at some- Woah! Tory! That’s not a word you just “newb”). They have all the tools to win, but thing they should be good at. Like throw around! True. It isn’t. It is certainly they are just total garbage. General Motors. merited here, however. I believe it was some n00b : Someone who has absolutely no time during fall semester when Mitch over- excuse for the heaping serving of heard me describing some pwnage that had For the most complete and utterly pitiful pwnage they have just been served. recently occurred courtesy of our football shortcomings, a third term, “ n00b ,” is appli- Like the French military since Napo- team playing Duke. cable. (Notice the introduction of integers leon. into the word.) One need look no further than ownage : Trying to pickpocket Usain Bolt. the Michigan-Appalachian State game in pwnage : Losing to Helen Keller in Pictionary. “Tory – what is this ‘pwnage’ you speak of?” 2007. My jaw dropped in disbelief. I hadn’t figured Mitch for a newb, but he was clearly a very sheltered boy in his days of yore. Fortunately for Mitch, Hillcrest has become a Hillpress Staff hotbed for newb remediation. He has really David Grant Kathleen Cooperstein matured over the past few years through much T. Rees Shapiro Peter Kauffmann To understand pwnage, one must first under- hard work. Today, Mitch stands his own and stand ownage . Ownage occurs when some- even pwns a few noobs himself from time to Cate Summers Kari Adkins one defeats a clearly disadvantaged opponent, time. Sharon Pritz John Hoffman often described as a newb. A good example Caleb Fleming Will Satterwhite of ownage is when a I-AA football team plays David Harries Mitch Daniels a I-A team. They get owned. In this example, Tory Smith 15 41w4y5 g14d 70 5h4r3 h15 Mina Noorbakhsh Matt Allen the I-AA team is a newb. 1nc41cu14b13 1n73113c7 w17h 07h3r5. Meg Miller Tory Smith .
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